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Ashley Hebert and The Quest for Unconditional Love – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 7 Recap

It’s been a long time, you thought I left you without a dope beat to step to. Pardon the Aaliyah reference. Things are pretty bleak over here at SE. First off, The Bachelorette is slowly sucking at my will to watch TV and second, I’m reconsidering my commitment to ‘Love in the Wild’ and thinking of throwing my Wednesday night recaps to The Challenge: Rivals. Thoughts?

I'm Waaaiting. (Abc/Kenny Ting)

I do have one positive to report this (sweltering) Tuesday morning – we made it through an entire episode without hearing about he who must not be named (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out this week! what what! Sorry got to sneak those references in when I can).  I even made a cocktail prepared to finally give the drinking game a go and once again, Ashley disappoints me (but this time in a kind of good way and at least I had a cocktail to drink away the disappointment).

So the whole gang is heading over to Taiwan. And by travel, I mean they jaunt across a cartoon map of the Orient (hey, they played the semi-racist music, not me) to the Hidden Jewel of Asia. Ashley uses her montage voice-over to discuss how amazing Taiwan is, how it is the perfect place to fall in love and that it is the most beautiful, romantic, amazing, awesome place to fall in love (I think she had at least 6 other superlatives but you get the point).

Do you ever wish they would come on be like “Yeah, we’re going to this place. It sucks. It’s crowded, gross, the people are mean and the food is nasty. Basically it is the worst place ever to fall in love but we’re going to give it a go.” I think this would add some nice realism to the show. Yeah, it’s easy to fall in love when everything is all market dates and fake weddings but what about when you’re surrounded by dirty homeless people and rude commuters? That’s the true test of love. Okay, enough of my blabbering. On to the show.

Ashley gives us a detailed account of why she likes each guy. The only one with any truth was her Ames analysis, “He is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” You can say that again.

There are six dudes left when we get to Taipei. Only four will have the chance to introduce Ashley to their creepy relatives and awkward friends back home.

There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones. Game on.

As the brahs settle down into their bachelor pad everyone is loving the new digs with one exception: our resident hipster hottie JP. He’s showing that he is certainly Ashley’s perfect match by allowing his insecurity to slowly creep in and eat him from the inside out. He silently seethes in the corner while the first date goes to…

Constantine – Let your love light shine. Love, Ashley.  

Ashley shows up in her standard issue outfit: half top (this time the back is missing, this turns out to be a trend this episode. A frightening and alarming trend), jeggings and stripper shoes. The two meet up at a train station and while this date clearly doesn’t involve dancing, Ashley tries to sneak in a little shimmy much to Ben’s Constantine’s displeasure.

Note: How has it gone unmentioned, this ENTIRE SEASON, that Ben and Constantine are doppelgangers? Not even one funny comment in the credit bloopers. Nothing. This aggression will not stand.

All aboard the True Love Express for Constantine (his name is entirely too long. I will call him Consty from here on out) and Ashley. Viewers experience the train ride with some sensual Thomas the Train music accompanied by some PG petting (mostly from Ashley) capped off by the phallic train-in-the-tunnel moment. Once that’s over we’re in the “adddooooorrable” Ping Shi Village. I wish Ames had been on this date. We could have heard some insightful commentary on the history of Taiwan and this specific village rather than hearing Ashley describe the world like a 7-year old girl talking about kittens.

To continue their tradition of painting things on dates (wait, that’s Ben isn’t it? This look alike thing is getting out of hand) the two paint a love lantern for the ceremonial release later that night (not meant to be a dirty sentence but came across that way. sorry!) These  dodo birds attempt to paint something of meaning (How do you draw marriage? What would commitment look like? What shape is a heart?) while the locals look on condescendingly.

We learn later that this lantern has little to no meaning after a stray dog provides it with its true meaning – “I piss on your love.”

Back at the suite the dudes are having an intense staring contest while waiting for the date card to arrive. The Hunchback leaves everyone in surprise (or maybe he is still concussed and just talks like that now) until he announces Constantine Ben is the winner of the date card lottery. Ben pretends to be excited while Ryan is all “Awww Man!” pouting about how outdoor dates are his thing.

I think the Constantine Ben back-to-back dates are a deliberate attempt by the producers to confuse the shit out of Ashley. She’s got to get them confused, doesn’t she?

Back in Ping Shi, Consty

It's Addooorrrable.

gets real with Ashley and in the one moment of truth on this show, let’s her know that (shocker!) he’s not in love with her yet. Hallelujah it appears real humans may still populate The Bachelorette. Ashley isn’t buying this and aggressively rest her hand near Consty’s package while he keeps his neatly folded and far away from her.

Ashley is in total surprise to find out that Consty actually listens to what she says since she doesn’t listen to what anyone says except for “You’re so pretty!” or “You’re so skinny!” She’s far too busy listening to her own insecure thoughts to pay attention to what the guys are talking about.
This revelation scores big for Consty and they are letting their love light shine and open mouth kissing in no time.

This date decidedly trumps Ashley’s last “most romantic date ever” while Consty adds that “he’s never been happier” as they sway in the glow of the lantern light.
Next up: Constantine Part Deux or Ben as they like to call him on this show. 

We know this date is an outdoor date since Ashley shows up in some booty shorts and another ill-fitting top, this time a men’s XL t-shirt.

After these two sway and stare awkwardly in each others eyes  for what seemed like 3 minutes, she finally tells him what the date is and they skip on over to their … Moped!

As the scoot off into the mountains, Ben gets some serious bonus points with his ‘Dumb and Dumber” reference. Although I am quite certain the reference was entirely lost on Ashley. I don’t know if it was the moped or the mountains or Ben’ calling Ashley kiddo or Ashley’s tween sized arms holding tight to Ben but these two crazy kids are falling in love. Don’t be fooled though, Ashley still sneaks her insecurity into this date when she asks Ben – while riding the moped- “But you’re happy right?” Oh Ashley, what are we going to do with you?

Back at the swanky hotel, the dudes find out that Ashley is grooming Ames, Lucas and JP for the big day. This mean Ryan finally gets his one on one date. Praise the Sun Gods – the day is near!

Did someone say pose? (ABC/Kenny Ting)

Back to the love birds, Ben shows up for dinner in his chambray shirt ready to get down to business. This is especially apparent when Ashley compares their dinner wine to the one Ben brought her. He slams down his glasses, throws the other in her face and yells “Are you f-ing kidding me? This swill doesn’t even compare.” AW man, I wish that had happened. Instead, Ben acts mildly annoyed and mumbles under his breath something about Ashley being an idiot.

This dinner is mildly painful. Ashley manages to ask Ben to reassure her 19 times before she believes that he really likes her and Ben uses his words to spit out that he can’t wait for her to meet his mommy and daddy.

As Ben strings together sentences pouring his love out for Ashley, she sits there oddly staring at him like there is spinach in his teeth. I start to complain about how she doesn’t respond to him but then I realize we’ve made it an entire minute without having to listen to her whiny voice. Point Ben.

We think the date ends with an open mouth kiss but apparently there was more and Ben does his walk of shame into the penthouse the next morning. This makes JP’s blood boil and right before I think he is going to lunge across the sofa and smother Ben with his beanie, he exits the room.

Group Date: Awkward Wedding Photos with Ames, JP and Lucas. 

The dudes met up with Ashley at a Thai Olin Mills where they find out they’ll be taking wedding pictures. Yay! Ashley is so excited about this that she dug out one of her old cheer-leading skirts so she could play real life Ken & Barbie with these three saps.

While Ashley looks as excited as her sister in front of a pile of coupons, the guys look less than thrilled. And by less than thrilled, I mean terrified. While the guys try to regain composure, Ashley tells America that this is an important date where she will learn if they’re ready for marriage, if they can commit and most importantly, if they look “cute”  in wedding pictures. We’re creating true love here folks.

The photo sequence goes down pretty fast.

Basically, Lucas gets set up to look like an old Thai lady for the traditional pics (cause he’s a traditional southern gentleman ya’ll!). They take the least romantic, most awkward pictures ever and he is pissed about it.

Let's play dress-up!

Ames, who has no idea where he is, takes it like a good sport and wears his baby blue tux with pride. He and Ashley take pictures in a fake tree for no apparent reason and as soon as it begun, his photos are over.

JP, who pouted more effectively than a 3-year-old girl, gets his way and dons a James Bond style black tux. He looks smoking hot but his new attitude stains his look. Ashley eats it up and they stand in front of a $3 backdrop while being SOOOO HAAPPPY!

The awkward wedding photo date ends with them checking out their best shots. They leave behind their 11 x 14’s so they can grace the entry of this Sears Portrait Studio for years to come.

The dinner portion of the date is a mix of each guy chest puffing for Ashley’s affection. Actually, this is a total lie. The rest of the date is a competition between JP and Lucas on who can be the bigger whiny brat. http://itsnotavespa.tumblr.com/

Little Amesy.

Side Note: Where on earth did Ames sneak those family photos in from? All of a sudden we’re looking at 12-year-old Ames and I’m thinking, “Have those been in your suitcase the whole time?” Seriously, he’s just been holding on to those waiting for the perfect time to drop them on Ashley. I’m guessing there was one of Ames’ parents monster sized house and Ashley is like, “Well hell. I gotta see that place.”  Poor Ames, unpopular til he was 26, I mean 16.

The moment Ryan’s been waiting for…. the one-on-one. 

I know this date is off to a bad, bad SE start when these two start running (if that’s what you call that) towards each other in the open square. If a little piece of you didn’t die while watching then you haven’t truly felt the effects of SE. Ps. – Did anyone else notice that Ashley wasn’t wearing shoes as she walk/ran across the square?

This is when Drew throws in his important comment of the show. “I’m no fashionista (yup, I taught him that word) but really what the f** is up with that shirt?” Love it. Glad to know that he has also noticed Ashley’s new trend of backless tops.

If we’re using superlatives, this meet up has got to go down as the most awkward in Bachelor(ette) history. I covered myself up in sofa cushions and asked Drew to let me know when Ashley found a normal shirt. I am currently writing this post from my cushion fort.

So, other than the mountains of SE this date was pretty boring. Basically, the two of them walk around and talk. As they wander and watch people do Thai chi, Ryan quizzes Ashley on what she’s doing to help the environment and when they are going to get married. These topics of convo clearly make Ashley uncomfortable and I can see this date taking a bad turn.

I know that it’s a bad sign when they play the game for the match making gods and the blocks don’t match up right. Ashley silently jumps for joy while Ryan begins to hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, at any minute is seems like he could either laugh or break down into tears. He seems a little mentally unstable to me.

The sun comes out and Ryan uses its energy to tell Ashley about the most boring topic of all time – Water Heaters. At this point, Ashley throws the brakes on this date and lays it out for Ryan. “Look dude, you’re nice and you love our planet but this thing isn’t gonna work out.”

The worst part is that Ryan thought this date was going AMAZEballs. Like he was not just on cloud nine, he jumped over that cloud and went straight to 10. This is what makes it all the more awkward when Ashley “breaks up” with him.

As she lays down the law, Ryan looks like Ashley shot his puppy or the sun. And in the most epic line in SE history he says “So you don’t want to meet my family?” Oh god, oh god. I steal Ryan’s paper bag idea and start hyperventilating myself. Ryan’s so awkward and so weird and so bad yet so naive and I almost feel bad for him. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now since it looks like he’s about to go drown himself in that koi pond.

As Ashley drags out the break up (don’t hold hands when you are breaking up with someone), Drew notices there is a giant jungle cat lurking in the background. Snap. She is about to just leave his ass to get eaten by a giant jungle cat. Are they at the zoo? Doesn’t seem like it, that cat is roaming pretty freely.

As Ashley leaves him she notes that Ryan “Really likes me and he’s a really smart guy.” This is clearly a ‘If, Then” statement for Ashley. If he really likes me, then he is really smart. Oh Ashley and her insecurity.

Hugging or groping - that is the question.

The pair drop hands and go their separate ways but not before they get one last hug (is it groping if she’s wearing only half a shirt?). Ashley back to cocktail filled dates and Ryan to his destiny with the jungle cat (Drew says he is just as nervous for Ryan now as he was for Casey when Ali left his ass on a mountain in Iceland.)

Ryan stuffs his hands in his pockets, hangs his head and walks straight into the jungle cats lair.

Poor guy stutters and cries awkwardly into the camera and I try to leave the room but am paralyzed with SE. I almost feel bad for the guy but then he makes me so uncomfortable.

Our closing shot if of sad Ryan wandering Taiwan. And to add insult to injury they can’t even give the dude a lift to the airport – they make him hail his own cab.

End Scene.

Rose Ceremony:

This post is way too long so I am going to wrap this up.

Ashley stares at the dudes pictures longingly while Ames provides expert commentary on this episode. I honestly wish we could have him do commentary the rest of the reason. He gives us a nice recap of the guys state of mind. I love it.

Ben and Constantine sit down next to each other and seriously THEY ARE TWINS.

Heart to Heart with CH. Boring except that Ashley ONCE AGAIN kills the cocktail party. The producers need to put their foot down on this bull.

Rose Ceremony:

CH gives them all the sympathy break-up speech and it’s on.

  • JP already has a rose.
  • Constantine
  • Ben
  • Ames (Who looks like he has been propped up. I think someone’s been doing that ever since he got concussed. When his name is called, he is like “where am i?”)

Lucas is sent packing. The dudes all stand around and are like “I totally didn’t expect that” which is code for “Ames, how the f are you still here?” Lucas leaves with dignity and without crying which i appreciate. He’d make a good bachelor.

Ashley starts getting emotional in her solo interview. Despite wanting to keep all the guys in her polly pocket case she takes with her everywhere she is not emotionally prepared to let them go. “I never knew there would be this much pressure.” Are you serious? What did you think you got to keep them all. Woof.

Drew pipes in with another insightful thought when he says, “Do you think every time she talks the producers are like ‘Oh god, why did he pick her?'” I whole heartedly agree and will no wrap this post up.

I know Emily came on afterwards and to wrap that up here goes: Crying, Broke up with Brad, Lip Quiver Crying, Being Cute as a Button, Crying, Being Precious, No more Brad and Emily. That’s a wrap.

So what did you all think of this episode? I know I left a lot out (mainly Ames’ outfit choices) so feel free to leave your favorite parts in the comments.

Until next time… stay tuned.



Filed under The Bachelor, The Bachelorette

Adventures in Insecurity – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 5 Recap Part II

And we’re back. Sorry to split this episode up but I had to take care of some business. Now I’m back to the important stuff. Like which desperate wannabe Ashley will send packing.

Rolling on a River.

Two-on-one time people. Are you ready? Two men will enter. It’s up to our girl Ash to decide how many will leave (well at least one but that’s no guarantee). Ashley has a soft spot in her heart for the two-on-one as she survived this disaster of a dating scheme last season. And by survived, I mean sent her bestie home crying. I’m looking at you Ashley S. 

For this date ABC combined two classic fan favorites – the elephant/jungle date and the two-on-one. Classic. Who doesn’t love the jungle date? Isn’t it where Brad and Emily cemented (actually like rubber cemented) their love last season. Elephant riding = reality romance. (After I wrote that, I realized how dirty it sounds. Totally unintentional so I am leaving it.)

So this date is a show down between the Muppet Lookalike (Ben C.) and the Muppet Act-alike (William. I just made that work up. You like it). Does anyone else think that William has put on a few lbs. over the course of filming. Is he this season’s kool-aid man  Chantal?

So William is up front pouting and rowing while Ashley and Ben C. spend some quality time on the back of the raft. During this time, William is scheming about things he can do to make himself appear cooler (not many options there) and/or ruin Ben’s chances of getting the rose. You can almost see the Grinch-like smile spread across his face when he devises his dating website plan.

This plan comes from the same cell-phone salesman that is Mystery Man #1 on Bachelor Pad. Yup, you read that right. William will be joining the cast and bringing his tourettets-style mix of self-love and self-hate to the BP. Better start preparing yourself now.

While the two guys row, Ashley talks about how cool this is while also wondering aloud how the two guys are strong enough to row her down the river.

The ride ends and it’s awkward picnic time. Ben C. decides to leave William and Ashley alone to take a quick nap. Little does he know that will be the last nap he ever takes… on The Bachelorette.


William does one of the most annoying things I think any human can ever do. The ‘ole “I don’t want to throw [Insert Name] under the bus but [proceed to throw them immediately under the bus].” This technique also works with the phrase “No offense but…” Whatever you’re going to say after but is most certainly going to be offensive.

With the bus fast approaching, William throws Ben underneath and tells Ashley that our boy Benny is telling all the dudes how hyped up he is to troll the internet dating sites when he gets home. Um, really? Like seriously? First off, I am no big fan of Ben C’s looks (I only have eyes for JP) but come on – this guy can for sure get action by just showing up at a bar and saying he was on The Bachelorette. Wouldn’t that be a more effective use of his time rather than sitting alone at his computer weeding out the ugly’s and stalkers on Match.com?

Because this show has turned this otherwise intelligent and confident girl (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here) into a bumbling ball of insecurity and anxiety she takes the bait. Hook Line Sinker.

Ashley is having none of it (in between her anxiety induced panic attacks and stomach pains).  She’s all like “Aw hell no” and stomps over to that blanket. She’s giving Ben the business and he just looks half asleep/half surprised. Ben is clearly caught off guard but doesn’t really seem all that disappointed. Maybe mildly bummed at best. I think he was just sad that he wasn’t going to get to travel the far east (we’re not supposed to call it that anymore are we?) anymore.

William is standing in the background quietly gloating about his evil plan – thinking that this leaves him in the clear. Little goes he know that roses can be set on fire.

Ben sails off into the jungle. He goes quietly and with dignity (sounds like the copy for a hospice ad). I’m sure he’ll be back home, macking on Bachelorette groupies in no time (take that William!).

William has no idea that giving your massively insecure date a panic attack is not the way to her heart and thinks he’s in the clear. I really dislike William and his skeezy, cocky attitude. While the two of them traipse through the jungle on their elephants, I wonder out loud what a girl has to do to get Ames on this date. (yeah, it’s come to that)

We move on to the dinner portion of the date. Ashley has borrowed a dress from a Thai prostitute which was hand sewn out of the hide of a drag-queen tiger. I mean really. This dress is horrible. Almost as horrible as William.

I am getting really tired of Williams tired doofy nice guy routine. Thankfully, it appears Ashley is as well. For once Ashley doesn’t look excited at all to be on a date. It looks like she may be asleep, I point this out to Drew and find that he has actually fallen asleep. Yup, that’s what happens when you don’t invite Ames on every date.

When does Bachelor Pad start filming?

I’ve officially decided that I dislike William more than Bentley (I didn’t think it was possible) when Ashley sends he’s 30-year-old kid ass home. She burns that rose like nobody’s business and decides to call it a night.

In a moment of classic SE, William doesn’t take his marching orders happily and cries his way into the sunset. This Columbus-bred cell-phone slanger is a self-proclaimed loser and jackass (who can disagree). It appears that our boy has a bit of a split personality. One minute he is telling the world that he hung the moon, the next moment he is telling us all that he is a giant piece of s**t (I’m agreeing with the latter). I’m hoping there is someone on the Bachelor Pad who is making sure William is taking his meds and staying in his happy place.

Ashley ruins her moment of guts and glory by sinking back into her pit of self-loathing and insecurity and we finally escape from this heart of darkness.

Rose ceremony.

Well at least Ashley has one thing going for her, she finally found a cute dress (see I said dress not long blouse). To continue our pattern of tumultuous rose ceremonies, the producers stage  Mother Nature makes it rain.

A few well-timed thunder claps let us know how serious she when she asks the guys to be true to themselves (i.e.- tell her they’re not digging on her so she can send their sorry asses home).

Since Ryan knows just what a desperate, insecure girl needs to hear, he grabs her and makes sure she knows how he’s “totally into her.” Totally.

Constantine pulls Ashley aside to let her know that his shirt matches his eye shadow and to remind her that he’s not Ben F. I like Constantine. It is nice to know that at least one person on this show isn’t a robot. He may be boring but at least he isn’t a giant phony. It’s official, I am a fan of this Geico Caveman/Jason Schwartman/Josh Groban/Ben F. lookalike.

Side Note: Do you think Constantine and Ben F. look at each other and wonder how the ABC producers found their Doppelgangers?

It’s at this point that I want to fast forward through all of Ashley’s insecurity. I wish a little warning ticker would come across the bottom of the screen (like during thunderstorms) and let us know when she’s about to spout off about how no one likes her.

On to JP TIME aka SEXY TIME. I heart him. You know she just wans to jump his bones (can you blame her?). Ashley acts all  goofy and weird around JP though. Look Bia, if you are thinking about Bentley while looking into JP’s dreamy eyes, you have some serious problems.  If you say Bentley one more time and ruin an on-screen moment with JP, I am going to come smack you all the way back to Salt Lake City.

Ashley sits down with CH to break it down and by break it down, I mean can’t keep crazy under control. She’s been anxious thinking of Bentley non stop. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t even want to tell CH about it. She knows he is judging her along with the rest of the world. I wish CH would lean across the coffee table and knock her backwards in her chair. Maybe then she would realize what an idiot she is.

Chris Harrison stands up for the dudes and is like bitch, get your shit together. CH is PISSED. You can tell he is so annoyed with her. Thankfully CH is playing the role of the American Viewing Public. Way to represent . He is like “how the hell do we end this? How do we get you to stop acting crazy?” More importantly how do we get you both to never say “dot dot dot” again?

Chris tells Crazy No Pants to get her s**t straight, there is a rose ceremony to attend to.

Get it together.

Behind Chris Harrison’s back Ashley blabbers on about Bentley. At this point Drew even says “I hope I never hear her say Bentley’s name again.” We all know that is not going to happen but I appreciate the sentiment. That’s why I married him – he knows when chicks are acting all whack and crazy (and mostly because he’ll watch trashy reality tv with me. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – it’s the little things in life).

Rose Time: 

Blake and Ben F. already have stems. One dude is packing up. Who will it be? Cue the sad “Thai” music (is there a pandora station for that?)

Side Note: Does Ames know where he is right now? More importantly, does Wall Street know where Ames is right now and what this dentist is doing to him? Who is keeping our economy afloat while Ames is looking for love? Who is babysitting the stock market? Is this why are economy is going down the tank? Get this man back on WALL STREET! Stat!

  • Constantine
  • Lucas
  • JP
  • Ames (“I have no clue who I am or wear I am. But yes, I will accept the flower from the pretty midget.”)
  • Mickey

Last rose time. Who will it be? I’m hoping Nick but I know that won’t happen.

  • Ryan harnesses the power of the Sun and snags the last rose.

Unfortunately for me Nick is sent packing. I wish he would be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad but apparently it’s not in the cards for him.

Nick says goodbye to love but hello to mindless hook ups and $2500 per appearance fees.

Now on to a subject I wish we were not discussing. The return of Bentley. They’ve been dragging this crap out since he left (2 episodes ago!!!!). I am 100% officially pissed at ABC. STOP IT!!!!!!  I thought he was gonna be back this episode, you jerks are making this drag out a whole other episode. I am pissed. You’ve done it this time producers. If I have to look at this turds ugly mug after next weeks episode, I am going to …. well, I’m not going to do anything but rant about how mad I am at you on my blog. So there.

The only saving grace is that is looks like the remainder of the guys stage a revolt and make Ashley feel like poo. Serves her (and the show) right. These previews just gave me hope for some sort of entertainment next week (and at least Ames will be there).

So save that Pepto. You’ll be needing it next week now.

Until next time… stay tuned.


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Filed under The Bachelorette

“Last Minute is the Best Minute” The Bachelorette Episode 4 Recap

As I settled into last night’s episode of The Bachelorette I was hopeful. Hopeful that we’d turned the corner on Bentley, bad dates, boring dudes and Ashley talking about how surprised she was that all the guys could pick her up. I was really looking forward to liking this season. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed. Like the most disappointed you can be.

I knew we were off to a rough start when we had to relive the entire Bentley drama in one dreadfully long montage. This would be the first of many moments when I had to fight the urge to fast forward. After reliving the whole “dot dot dot” exchange, Ashley ponders out loud “How can I do this?” Well Ashley, the first step is putting down the purple comforter. I’m sure the second step involves putting some sort of bare midriff shirt on. And last but not least, get your open mouth kissing on with every guy that’s left. Spoiler Alert (not really): Ashley does all of these things this episode. (I know, shocking right?)

p.s. – there is no two-part re-cap this week. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up to you. 

So Chris Harrison is on the scene, cuffs rolled up, ready for business. He tells all the guys that this “process” (of elimination) is really serious and they need to take it seriously. Hey Chris – this is a reality TV dating show. It is the opposite of serious. Serious is brain surgery or the war in Afghanistan or tackling unemployment issues. This is a show about a vapid, insecure former cheerleader looking for love by dating 25 former Mickey Mouse Club members  guys over a six-week period. Not serious.

Chris “what am I doing with my life” Harrison tells the hipsters in henley to pack their bags, we’re going  to Thailand. Cue the excited brah’s giving each other high fives and man hugs.

Let's do this brah!

I imagine Nick is pumped to catch some sweet waves. Ryan (wearing his favorite Hawaiian Hardee’s manager shirt) wonders what the solar profile is like in Thailand and Ames is bored because he’s been everywhere and knows everything. All the while West sits in the corner looking creepy and being boring.

Ashley tells us that she’s never been to Thailand and that she is SOOOOOO excited. (Ugh, Ashley we know. You would be excited to take the garbage out.) The first of many cringes (that turn to angry outbursts) comes when she talks about how much she misses the Mormon tool bag.

After some home video footage (We’re going to Thailand Brah!”) we get to Thailand with Ashley. What the what is she wearing? Hey Ashley, 1999 called and it wants its cut-up and tied wife-beater back. How in the world is Possessionista going to do a wardrobe post about this outfit? In another unfortunate development this season, it appears Ashley is single-handedly trying to bring back the tie-up top/bare midriff.

In case you all forgot, I have a really awesome stomach.

Ashley bellys up to the front desk and asks the barely fluent in English concierge what they should do while in Thailand. Hey Sunshine and Rainbows – the producers have already planned every minute of your existence for the next 6 weeks. You will do what they say, go where they tell you to go and open mouth kiss who they tell you to kiss. Stop this charade and get to the date already.

What I’m really hoping Ashley will ask is “Do you all have a hot tub on the premises? I’m on this crazy American dating show and the viewers really love it when there are hot tubs involved.” Sadly, another one of my hopes and dreams is crushed when she skips this important detail.

The dudes arrive and quickly stretch out single file across the balcony showing their tight tee’s off proudly to the citizens of Thailand.

Date Card Time. Constantine, “Let’s sea Phuket together.”  Aw, how cute is Ashley. See how she did that? She spelled sea like the ocean. What a little doll. And in case those dunces in the suite didn’t know – it’s a clue!

Too bad for Constantine (aka the wonky eyed Ben F.). His island date with Ashley is spoiled by Mother Nature. So it’s off to the market to shop for some chotchkes and run through the streets in the rain. I’m a little pissed about this because I thought the standard back-up plan was a hot tub and champagne but oh well.

Did anyone else think this was the most boring date ever? Ashley, who is usually as hyped up as those pixie-stick addicted prima donnas on Toddlers & Tiaras, sounds like she’s on prozac. Instead of her over the top giggles, she appears to be sleeping (and dreaming of Bentley) her way through this date.

I had stopped listening for a couple minutes (someone was speaking Thai and there were no subtitles) then I hear this gem – “Love is not about winning.” Well that may be true in real life. But this is not real life and on this show Love actually IS about Winning. What a conundrum for these two platonic shopping pals.

Back at the hotel (thank god, I needed a break from that boring sad-sack of a date), we find out who is going on the group date. Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan will be helping Ashley “Make this world a better place.” Cut to a shot of West looking confused since he clearly has no idea how to do go about doing that. It’s just not in his nature.

Ames is that you?

While the dudes blabber on about how awesome it will be to hang out with Ashley, my mind wanders to Ames. What is he? I feel like looking at him directly is like staring at the sun, I’m afraid I’ll go blind. Thankfully, a friend and loyal reader send a well-timed text alerting me to the fact that Ames is the second coming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (wow, two cartoon look alikes this season – well-played ABC).

Back to the most boring date of the season (that’s a superlative I can get behind) Constantine and Ashley talk incessantly about how good of a time they are having. Um guys, why don’t you all stop talking about having a good time and just have one.

In the mean time, Ashley tells America that on this date “I got a little bit of my heart back and now I’m ready to give  it out.” SERIOUSLY Ashley? Seriously you knew Bentley for like 10 days. Are you really THAT heartbroken?

We move to the dinner and tongue kissing portion of the date. Ashley is laying on the beach bed blabbering on about how insecure she is when I notice that Constantine is wearing socks on the beach. C’mon dude. I mean really? What is wrong with these people. Other than the offensive white socks, I find Constantine less-offensive than I thought I would. Probably because he is boring and this date is like watching Brad Womack button his plaid shirt (actually, that may be more entertaining).

We cut back to the hotel to find Ben F., JP and Blake giggling like 12-year-olds at a slumber party wondering if Constantine and Ashley have kissed yet. This oddly endearing moment is ruined when they all realize they have open-mouth kissed the same girl. Which in turn is like open-mouth kissing each other. “Gross!” They all yell in unison and then jump into their sleeping bags to watch a scary movie.

The most boring date in the history of boring dates end with the spine-tingling SE moment.

Ashley: “I felt like you could get me back on my feet again and you DID!”
Constantine:  “I did?”
Ashley:  “You did!”
Constantine: (cheesy, awkward grin) “YES!” ( I also think there was an arm motion involved here.)

First off, this conversation is 100% real. Second, I am not joking when I say that I had secondary embarrassment goosebumps during this exchange. My body physically  reacted to this awfulness.

Constantine gets the rose and Ashley tells us for the 7344354358 time that she had a really great time. (Could have fooled me?)

We end with this classic line, “I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again”  Symbol Crash Music. End Scene.

GROUP DATE: After a much-needed commercial break, we’re back and Ashley is still moaning about her heart aching from Bentley leaving. I know this is getting incessant because Drew chimes in with “If she says Bentley one more time I’m going to vomit.” (For the record, she said Bentley about 19343 more times and he did not vomit. What a liar.)

For this date, Ashley has tied up another t-shirt so she and her bare-midriff are all set to help the kiddos. The group date involves all the dudes and Ashley sprucing up a Thai orphanage. I’ll give it to the producers on this one. I thought there was no way to make this group of phonies do anything worth while but I am pleasantly surprised at all the great work these douches do to help out the kids.

The dudes mistakenly praise Ashley for arranging this awesome date (um, do you all not know you are being filmed and that someone is coordinating it? They are called producers and they control your life).

We learn two important facts on this date. 1. Everyone hates Ryan. 2. Ryan has no idea how to paint.

Something we already knew that continues to be discussed is how much Ashley loved Bentley. She is like a 16-year-old girl with a crush (or any aged girl). You know how they try to incorporate their loves name into every sentence? Bring them up for no reason? Ashley is doing all of this and it is annoying and desperate. I want to push her.

To distract her from her anxiety inducing thoughts of Bentley, she goes to hang out with Constantine who is painting a mural. She’s all like “I had so much fun on our date yesterday” when she realizes it’s Ben F.

Get to work now suckers.

Part one of the group date ends with some soccer and hugs and it’s on to part two. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for a hot tub.

At the let’s get drunk and go swimming party, Ashley and Ben F. settle in for some one-on-one time. All you need to know about this is that they open-mouth kiss and in between saliva swaps, Ben F. says “Ruh roh.” And there goes my dinner.

I lose the rest of my meal when Ryan calls Ashley “freaking rad.” Thankfully, it was dark so he couldn’t accompany that phrase with any sun hand motions but I still get the SE goosebumps.

During his discussion with Ashley, the dudes, led by West, devise a plan to “get rid” of Ryan if he wins a rose. Okay, I made that part up. But they do talk about how much they hate him.

Finally, JP gets some screen time and he romantically takes Ashley down to the beach where they get down to business.

(Side note: JP  + Rain + Open Neck Button down – Ashley = Dreamy) 

I want to step through the TV, kick Ashley out-of-the-way and sit down under that umbrella. This day-dream is ended when I look up at the screen and see Ashley and JP rolling around in the sand open mouth kissing.

At this point, a little bit of my soul is dying as I watch them open mouth kissing (and not because I heart JP) . Seeing someone’s tongue enter another’s mouth is something I don’t want to see on network tv. I literally buried my head in my couch and waited until Drew told me it was over.

When they are done fornicating on the beach, JP carries Ashley (“Oh my god! I can’t believe you can carry me!”) back to the party.

The hottie and the nottie.

Here’s how the rest of the night goes down: Dudes get mad that JP carried Ashley. Ashley decides it’s rose time. Ryan decides its Ryan time. Lucas yells “GOOOBER!” at Ryan (best line of the season). Ryan and Ashley talk awkwardly under an umbrella. It’s for real rose time. Ben F. gets the rose. No hot tub. End Scene.

Famous Amos one-on-one.  

I wonder if William didn’t get any dates this episode because they know how umbrella-impaired he is and wanted to pair the audience the embarrassment of watching him attempt to operate one.

Before this date gets under way, we take a moment to freeze frame on Ames. He is an odd-bird. There’s the self-tanner and the uber white teeth. Then I wonder if he is wearing make-up (not just camera make-up but make-up make-up). And then I take a long look at his face. What is wrong with it? Is it the wonky eye or the fact that his lips don’t budge when he’s talking. I don’t know but things aren’t right.

On the boat ride, Ames let’s Ashley know that he has been everywhere, including Thailand, twice. He also has twice as many degrees as everyone in your family (all from the Ivy League), so get over it. He also tells Ashley that he is super spontaneous because “Last minute is the best minute.” And with every sentence, Ames is sounding more and more like a well-traveled Andy Bernard.

As the boat heads into the caves, I am reminded of Brad’s cave date with big-boobs Alli and wonder if she will abandon Ames on a deserted cave beach. I girl can dream.

All the while, Ames is telling Ashley that he’s been to a million countries.  How do I know this? Because he never misses an opportunity to talk about how much better he is than everyone. He’s smarter than you too in case you had forgotten already.

In case you needed another angle.

At the beach picnic, Ames and Ashley try to one-up each other talking about their exes. Ames talks about a girl he legitimately dated while Ashley talks about Brad Womack and loving Bentley.

When we break before the night portion of the date, Ashley comes on-screen to tell America (again, I know) how much she misses Bentley. I aggressively jump up and yell at the TV that he is gone. Like seriously gone. Gone like the N’Sync song (I’ve been listening to some N’Sync pandora lately. I blame it on this show and their motley crew of boy band under studies).

At dinner, Ashley talks about how different (aka weird) Ames is. It is at this point I decide that this is the most boring episode I’ve seen of this show. This date is like watching two people you never want to hang out with. As a friend and loyal reader texted me last night, “Ashley is so ordinary… I may as well watch my neighbor.”

At this point, I’m guessing her neighbor is more interesting. Anyways, they don’t kiss, Ames gets the rose and we’re done(all the while I am wishing I could push both of them in the face).

Rose Ceremony Time. 

Ashley talks more about Bentley and her dark place. Thankfully, it’s been a week which is like 6 months on this show and she’s gotten some meds, so she’s feeling much better.

Ashley shows up in a bedazzled burlap sack and is ready to get done to business.

She talks to West (dead wife) and Lucas (divorced wife) and I am very tempted to fast-forward to the “good part” aka the end of the show.

I am bored to tears. I never thought I would long to watch Brad “The Plaid” Womack and Michelle “Baby I Got Your” Money but sweet lord above, bring them back! This season is MIZZ.

The only mildly entertaining part of the rose ceremony is Ryan’s montage about the Seven Dwarfs. “Sorry I’m happy. Sorry I’m not Grumpy. Or Sleepy, Or Doc.” Since Ryan knows everyone hates him, he tries to make military reference hoping that this will make American love him. It doesn’t. I’m pretty sure Ryan himself is solar-powered and that’s where all his positive energy (aka douchebaggery) comes from.

Chris Harrison or “This Guuuuuuy!” (whoever said that is awesome and should for sure get a rose. my money is on nick) is in the house and it’s rose time. (Actually, it’s not but I fast forwarded through the Ashley/Chris sit-down).

Don't make me make you give me a rose.

There’s a twist. Ashley has decided to only eliminate one guy this week. Awkward (please imagine me saying this under my breath with every syllable stretched out).

Remember Famous Amos and the Twins already have roses. So the remaining buds go to:

  • Lucas the rich smelling mute
  • Ryan (blech)
  • JP (hubba hubba)
  • Nick (I think he may be my new favorite)
  • Mickey (where has he been the last 2 episodes)
  • Blake aka the aggressive dentist
  • William (double blech)
And the final rose goes to…. (this is the least suspenseful rose ceremony ever)
  • Ben C. aka Flashdance

West has to pack his bags and head home to the Star Magazine accusations back home. And the rest of us now have a week reprieve from this show.

The previews with Bentley’s return already have me annoyed for next week.

Thankfully, the credit scene with Nick makes up for that and I am perplexed as to why that wasn’t included in the actual show because it was awesome and not boring.

How are you all handling this season? I am struggling through it. Bachelor Pad and this blog (and my loyal readers. all 8 of you) are all that is keeping me going. How much better would Michelle have been as the Bachelorette?

Let me know what made you crawl under your couch (or bed or any other piece of furniture).

Until then… stay tuned!


Filed under Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette

“The First Day of My Love Story” The Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap Part II

It’s on to part deux of the recap. The second hour of the show had a lot of lows (Bentley, insecure Ashley, more Bentley) but a few highs (JP one-on-one and abbreviated rose ceremony cocktail party). Let’s discuss.

So every preview in the history of this season has led up to this breakup showdown so why not kick it off with Ashley acting reflective in the rain. First off, she is walking/strutting like Pocahontas. No one walks like that. Second, it is raining. Was it really that important to get this too-cheesy for words footage? This footage outrages me so much that I almost miss her lovey-dovey diatribe about Bentley. “Today makes the first day of my love story.” Yikes. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the story you were planning on writing. (Maybe she’s referring to that sad movie that everyone loves with Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw. Doesn’t she die at the end of that?) Kuddos to producers on that set-up.

The only thing better than that set-up is that Bentley was able to borrow the exact plaid shirt Brad Womack wore to break-up with Ashley. So Bentley shows up and Ashley smothers him in desperate hugs. The settle down in her rustic mansion to talk it out. Little did I know at this point, that I would be subjected to conversation that focused primarily on using punctuations as nouns.

Period. No. Dot dot dot.

This whole back-and-forth is interspersed with Bentley’s side douchebaggery. At first its mean in that mildly amusing way (similar to this blog but more douchey) and then it just turns annoying, dull and flat-out boring.

Bentley tells Ashley: I’m going home to be with Cozy.

Bentley tells America: I can’t stand this bia.

Bentley tells Ashley: I just work up this morning and realized I need to be with my family.

Bentley tells America: I woke up this morning and realized I won this little charade and now I’m tired of it.

Bentley tells Ashley: I really care about you.

Bentley tells America: I don’t give a s**t about Ashley or her small boobs.

During this whole back and forth, the thing that made me most annoyed was that Bentley thinks he’s the first person to ever do this. Um, no you’re not. Just like everything this season, you are a rerun too. They only thing that is special about you is that you’ve managed to be the most, annoying and the biggest tool. Actually, the thing that made me the most annoyed was that he used missing his daughter as an excuse but did not say he legitimately missed her once. Not once.

Getting on my high horse: Bentley, do you think this is the way to treat a lady? I’m guessing you wouldn’t be such a big fan of a guy treating your little Cozy the way you’ve treated Ashley. [Steps off high horse and continues with regularly scheduled blog post]

I’m sure Cozy will love learning that her dear Dad used her as an out but never mentioned missing her once in three episodes. I’m thinking we can expect Cozy as a contestant in about 15 years.

The conversation turns to the merits of a “dot dot dot” versus a “period” and I have to take a break from writing to run and vomit. Honestly, having to relive this entire experience is upsetting my stomach.

This whole segment runs about five minutes too long. A few too many crying shots (you know how I feel about crying on camera) , too much Bentley side-commentary, too much Bentley trying to seem sincere, too much Bentley period (definitely no “dot dot dot” there).

Does anyone else think it’s absurd for Ashley to be this upset about a guy she’s been on 3 GROUP DATES with? Not even one-on-ones, GROUP DATES. Be real. You were not in love with him. He was not your future husband. You’ve got like 6 more weeks to convince yourself you’re in love with someone else.

My secondary embarrassment was at an all-time high. The final minutes of this exchange almost caused a panic attack of embarrassment. Drew’s nausea levels were so high that he almost had to switch to the NBA Finals game so we could remember what real life was like (because aren’t super-skilled, unnaturally tall humans making exorbitant amounts of money what real life is all about?).

Just when I’m about to quit this season for good, JP swoops in to save the episode.

In another unoriginal twist, they have an at-home date where they just kick it at Ashley’s pad.  They relax by the fireplace while JP acts perfect, says perfect stuff and just generally acts like the hottie hipster he is. This date is progressing nicely when Ashley has to break in with her sad sack whining, saying “How do I know you’re not gonna break up with me?” Um, Ashley you’re on a dating show. You are “breaking up” with people every week. How the hell does he know you’re not going to break up with him? You don’t. Move on.


Ashley’s only moment that’s mildly bearable comes when she says “I can’t believe you’re single.” Neither can I Ashley. What’s more, I can’t believe he’s trying to not be single with you.

JP and Ashley throw on their PJs (bow chick wow wow) and hang out fireside. This date has allowed my mind to rest and focus on the dreaminess that is JP.

JP + Fireside + PJ’s – Ashley = Good TV.

End of story.

I think it goes without saying, he gets the rose.

Rose ceremony:

Raining. again. For some reason the rose ceremonies wear me out.  I think this can be attributed to the fact that my attention span is spent after a two-hour show with Bentley hogging the majority of the screen time with his awfulness.

Ashley stares longingly at Bentley in his plaid and thinks about all her misadventures with douchebags in plaid (there’s a reality tv show idea for you TLC).

Chris Harrison scares Ashley into a chat. Chris and his skinny tie reassure Ashley and tell her there are no rules so she can just cut to the chase if she wants. Um, if there are no rules, why do you explain them to the dudes at the beginning of every episode?

CH brings some value by mocking Bentley’s gay-ass dot dot dot line. It seems Chris has hit his face time quota and it’s on the rose ceremony (Thank the lord. I could not take a cocktail party at this point.)


Sun God, Ben C. and JP all have roses.

The other 9 roses (sounds like rules to me) go to:

1.  Constantine.

2. West.

3. Mickey
Where have these dudes been the whole episode?

4. Ben F.  in the bow tie.

5. Dentist

6. Water Polo Nick

7. Ames – Okay, what is with that outfit? His shirt is cutting off circulation to his overly tanned head. And he has a wonky eye.

8.  Lucas. Rich smelling dude.

9. William. He get’s the warning rose. It’s the proverbial – don’t blow it again rose.

Then Chris Harrison steps in and says “If you did not get a rose pack your mask and get the hell out of here.”

The normal dude thankfully takes it like a man and leaves with dignity aka no crying. Ashley apologizes for not being her normal robot cheerleader self. Cheers and we’re out.

That was a marathon. A marathon of embarrassment. I don’t think I can deal with another episode like this anytime soon. What did you all think of the Bentley fiasco? More importantly, how mad are you that JP didn’t get more screen time?

Until next week… stay tuned!

ps. I cannot even deal with the end of show footage of Jeff pooping (in his mask) while Bentley fixes his hair. Just call them the Bachelor Odd Couple. Why didn’t we know these guys were so close until they were both gone?


Filed under The Bachelorette

Make it stop. The Most Painful Season in the History of The Bachelorette. Episode 3 Recap Part I

And we’re back. Back to repeat dates, insecure Ashley (wait, you’re all here for ME!) and douchey dudes or what I like to call an awesome Monday night (yes, my life really is that lame). I will say though that half-way through this episode I considered throwing in the towel on this show. What was once an entertaining train wreck of a dating show is turning into a re-run taken over by Backstreet Boy wannabes dancing around a desperate cheerleader. It’s getting ROUGH to sit through two hours of this.

Chris Harrison, professional reality TV contestant herder rounds-up the dudes (lots of  cowboy, dude ranch references this season – wonder where that is coming from?) to tell them how the show works. Again. Chris, we get it. They go on dates every week. And every week Ashley gives out roses. Can we just skip this part next time?

The guys look mildly excited at best with the exception of JP who has a huge grin on his face (don’t ask my why I love this guy, it’s unexplainable other than his good looks. Normally I would be ripping the excited dude in a v-neck tee. This season, I love him).  Despite his excitement, JP does not get the first date instead it goes to our friend Ben “I just want to dance” C.

Before heading out, William (my new least favorite) is acting like the goofy uncle always pulling your leg at the family Christmas party. “She doesn’t like it when you open the car door for her.” “Make sure you don’t compliment her.” Ugh, if I was Ben C. I would have pushed him in the face and left already.

Shocker, behind-the-scenes Ashley is talking about how she can’t believe the guys are here for her. I’m guessing the 987 times she’s said this up to now has been foreshadowing the insults coming at the comedy show but honestly enough already. The shows about you. You’re the Bachelorette. If these guys aren’t here for you (which they’re not, they are there for fame with a chance of hooking up), then you send them home. That’s how it works. Chris Harrison should be explaining the rules to Ashley each episode, not the guys.

Snap if you think I'm a good dancer! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

On to the date, you know this one is gonna be a doozy. We head over to a dance studio where Ashley, once again, shakes her groove thing in an effort to show us how hot and sexy she really is (“I’m a good dancer! Let me choreograph some sexy dance moves so you’ll think I’m really pretty and then you’ll like me… hopefully.”) We get it, you’re a good dancer. But is it now required for every episode to have you in a Flashdance-style outfit baring your midriff while you sway your hips seductively?

Ben tells her they make a “cute team” (what straight man says that?) while he practices his dance moves. After mastering some steps, the duo head over to that mall in LA where they film ‘Extra’ (where’s Mario Lopez when you really need a good dancer?). Instead of doing something original (like stage a fake wedding) the producers opt to rip-off an episode of ‘Modern Family’ and thousands of You Tube videos by creating a flash mob which in case you didn’t notice from the 67 product plugs was created by Flash Mob America.

Side Note: Are flash mobs that big now where there is a company dedicated to their creation? Also, is Flash Mob America opening franchises? If so, I want one.

So Ben and Ashley are having a really weird picnic in the middle of the mall (cause isn’t that the best place for a romantic picnic?) while hoards of people watch them. Despite the fact that there are obviously at least 1000+ people watching them, Ashley tries to reassure that no one cares about their picnic and that they should practice their dance moves.

SURPRISE! I taught you the electric slide! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

C’mon dude. You’ve got to know something is up. I mean, really? Wasn’t he even like a little suspicious. I thought you had a law degree Ben, you’ve got to be smarter than this. Apparently not though, because he looks insanely surprised when the music starts (Ashley’s face when the music started gave me enough SE that I wanted to change the channel that moment).

Cue the contrived flash mob. Now, as a pretty big fan of a well-done flash mob (see here and here and here) I thought this could be promising from the previews. Instead this was the worst, most awkward and embarrassing flash mob ever. What made it even worse was the dancing white dude in the center of the action. Horrible.

As I try to contain me secondary embarrassment, Drew (the hubs in case this is your first time here) looks over at me with a giant grin on his face and confesses that he REALLY wants to be in a flash mob. I’m a little worried that he may be looking to join any Louisville-based flash mobs ASAP or even worse, he could be in the process of orchestrating his own right now. Hopefully he knows a good dancer to choreograph cause it sure as hell won’t be this gal (or the flash mob would be even worse than the one we all just watched).

Oh and in case you all forgot, Flash Mob America put this whole thing together. Sometimes ABC is so shameless with the plugs that I wish they would take it one step further and just put the company’s phone number and website on the screen.

Then in another boring twist,  a band performs on the date. Not only did they do this last season (and the one before that and before that and before that into eternity) but they did it LAST EPISODE!!!!! This time the performers were those other guys from the Black Eyed Peas. Ben C. grinds on Ashley with his white-man overbite while the crowd chants, “Kiss Kiss Kiss” like they’re the royal couple.

I think the producers have thrown in the towel on dates after the wedding date ridiculousness. They are clearly out of any original ideas that could take place within the confines of the continental 48. So rather than anything new, we get another dinner date on the top of a building.

Plotting ways to get Ashley to his love bubble. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Ben C. is for sure that guy you meet that seems nice and cool and normal who then drops the creepy, desperate, clingy bomb on you a couple dates in. Even Ashley seems a little caught off-guard with his ‘live in a love bubble’ monologue. Slow down Carrie Bradshaw, I know you’re not settling for anything less than butterflies but pull-up a little on the reins. This is after all, your FIRST DATE.


Back to the date, Ben C. is chatting like a nervous 14-year old on a date with Brad Pitt. I think it can’t get any worse and then he says “Do I put an emoticon?” Um no. Do not ever put an emoticon. The fact that you said the word emoticon makes me want to crawl underneath my couch and never come out.

The date ends as all Bachelor/Bachelorette dates do, with an uncomfortable open mouth kiss. (stop smothering her in your sport coat!)

I am considering tuning out on this commercial break but then I’m sucked back in by the preview for  “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show.”  Don’t act like that doesn’t look entertaining.

We’re back with the group date. You know Jeff is gonna be on this one since they are playing the creepy vampire music. Jeff is sulking around the mansion acting weird and makes an appearance on the balcony to lord over his creepy domain. All I can think is, little balcony big creep.

During these dumb monologues, I wish ABC had put a countdown to the MASK reveal in the corner of the screen. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2, AHHHH. He finally takes the MASK off and Ashley is all, “you’re kinda old.” The charade is over, just like that. (Side note: Why were there cut aways to a hawk and a squirrel multiple times during this segment? Are the animals just as confused and embarrassed as we are?)

On to the date.

Ashley asks who the funniest guy in the house is and everyone says William. This means there can’t be anyone in the house with a decent sense of humor if the best you’ve got is a guy doing lame old George W. impersonations.

We get to the comedy club where I pray that Jeffrey Ross will single-handedly roast the entire cast and crew. Instead, the guys get to roast Ashley. This seems like a great plan. Let’s have a bunch of dudes make fun of the insecure girl. What fun! This is going to be the best date ever in the history of the world and the sea and the sky (just had to throw in some Bachelorette-hyperbole for you).

The jokes are pretty tame and lame. Although we do find out that Constantine is a big Baywatch fan ([Jeff Ross] is known for roasting Pam Anderson, David Hasselhoff and….”)

This part was pretty boring. Yes, the SE was through the roof. Bad comedians are bad enough. But coupled with the fact that they are contestants on a reality tv dating show, it makes it unbearable. I grit my teeth and attempt to make it through these next few minutes without fleeing the room, arms flailing, in embarrassment. (During this time, I do realize that Ryan P. is the human personification of Prince Charming from Shrek.)

Let's all make fun of the girl we're being paid to like! Yay! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Until William takes the stage. William has set this up off camera as his big break. Clearly he thinks we’ve crossed over onto Last Comic Standing. By roasting Ashley he’s hoping Jeffrey Ross will be amazed with his talent so he can leave his lucrative cell phone sales job behind. So long T-Mobile Columbus!

William decides that he isn’t settling for dumb Brad Womack and boobs jokes he’s going straight for the jugular (we know this because in his interview he says that he “doesn’t give a f**k.” damn you’re tough). So he makes fun of Ashley for not being Emily or Chantal (thank god for that, those bare midriff scenes would have been ROUGH).

William tries to advance his career while simultaneously advancing his chances of getting sent home. Even Bentley, the resident shoulder Satan,  knows this is a bad idea. No one laughs, everyone cringes, I cover my eyes and pray for it all to go away (my stomach literally turned, the SE was so horrendous).

The show ends and Ashley goes off to cry alone in the corner. She may be sad but she is still makes sure to adjust her shirt, just so, making sure to show enough just the right amount of skin and, of course, no boobs (she’s flat remember? every guy said so in their roast).

At this point, William is still trying to act tough and is all “I don’t care.” Bentley sees the opening and swoops in with his Pantene Pro-V Volumizer hair and his mesmerizing plaid shirts to comfort crying Ashley. I think he does this because Bentley knows that crying on TV is not attractive. Finally, there’s something we can agree on.

While trying to console/emotionally damage Ashley, Bentley comes off like a 15-year-old valley girl . Giggling awkwardly and saying “yeah” weird. Just writing this I am getting SE chills. It’s just as awful to re-imagine as it was to watch the first time.

Ashley is touched by Sweet Valley High Bentley and tells us that she “loves the way he thinks.” I’m not sure if Ashley still feels that way this morning since she got to see Bentley tells the audience, in detail, how much he dislikes almost every aspect of her. This whole segment was brutal. I am personally embarrassed that I dedicate a large portion of my free time to this show. But at this point, I’m committed (unlike any of the 14354534 contestants who have appeared on this show).

At the cocktail party, William flees in shame (thank god we at least get a few minutes without his doofus face filling up my television) but not before the producers expertly film him sitting in solitude in front of a Mobile PCS Free Cellphone sign (just when I thought they didn’t care anymore!) finally realizing that he’s not on Last Comic Standing. At this point, I’m hoping he’ll leave and go back to the Verizon kiosk in the Columbus mall. Unfortunately, we were not that lucky.

I've come to save you Princess Ashley!

Ashley thinks no one can comfort her but that’s because she hasn’t let the Sun God use the solar rays of love to warm her heart. I thought it couldn’t get much worse than making hand puppets around the sun but I was wrong. Ryan P. drops about 5 corny lines in succession before going in for a big sloppy open mouth kiss. I cover my eyes like I’m 12 years old watching Scream for the first time.

Thankfully, I am saved when we find out that JP gets the next one on one date (did you all notice his tan? seems like a little tanning does a hipster good).  Thank the lord above. I need some JP camera time to relax after an exhausting hour of secondary embarrassment. Little did I know, I would have to sit through an eternity of Bentley acting a fool time before getting to sweet, sweet JP.

So now it’s time to get down to business with Bentley. Ashley breaks it down about Michelle “man i wish you were the Bachelorette” Money giving her the 411 on bad news Bentley (there I did it, I used the name everyone has given him). Bentley acts all appalled at the accusations and tries to say that Michelle is unreliable (oh no you didn’t).

Ashley tells Bentley that she heard he only wants to stay a couple of weeks and promote his business. Uh, duh. He wants to stay a couple of weeks (check), make a name for himself (check) and get casted on Bachelor Pad (hopefully check).

In a scene that had to be scripted, Ashley tells Bentley that she can’t bear to lose another plaid lover (bear, plaid. get it?)  and if he leaves her it will be worse than anything last season. Ruh roh. This is gonna be bad. Ashley snuggles into Bentley’s mid-section while he does his best Mr. Burns “egggggcellent” impression to the camera.


Uh oh. Ashley drops the bomb. if you leave it will be worse than anything last time. This is gonna be bad. Just trust this. Yikes, yikes, yikes. she is about to jump those mormon bones.

Sun dude steals the rose and this date is a wrap.

I’ve got to take a break on this recap for now. I need to get back my strength to write about the nausea-inducing Bentley break-up segment.

Until then… stay tuned.

p.s. – because of the more awful than normal turn this season has taken, after this week my recaps will be shorter. Last season I started taking notes while I watched the show. I am going to go back to pure viewing in hopes that it will help. I know it will help take up less of our free time.


Filed under Bachelor Pad, The Bachelorette

Flip in the Name of Love. – The Bachelorette Recap Part II

And we’re back. Today, I’m gonna skip my normal intro and get down to business.

So it’s the last one-on-one date (how do I know? because Chris Harrison says so. duh!). Since the producers are all about making this the most uncomfortable and odd episode yet, they make two dudes flip for it. Normally, I use a coin toss to decide who is going to take out the trash or what shoes to wear but why not up the stakes a little bit and use it for dating purposes. And while we’re at it, let’s use it for ALL decision-making purposes. Ahh, indecisiveness. Isn’t it grand?

So JP aka the Hottie Hipster (or if you prefer, the well-to-do American Apparel model) and Mickey (who I am paying attention to for the first time) flip for it. You’d think ABC would be able to come up with a more realistic coin than what appears to be two pieces of circle paper cut out and glued together but who am I to question the details.

Unfortunately for everyone, Mickey wins. I was so looking forward to JP’s uninterrupted screen time that I actually yell “Boo!” at the television.

Mickey hops a plane and is greeted by Ashley, who while waiting demonstrates the proper coin flipping technique in case you all weren’t sure exactly how it works. She typically opens with a ridiculous comment (no, not how surprised she is that he can pick up her 72 lb body), telling Mickey “You’re more attractive than I am.” She laughs as she says this like it almost hard for her to believe that is possible.

For a type A decision maker, this date was extra painful for me. Just make a decision already. Is it really necessary to flip for everything. Should I rappel for wine? Should we jump in the shark tank? (Please yes) Should I tell you a sob story about last season on the Bachelor? (Please don’t cue up a montage)

What? Do I have something on my face? (ABC)

Back at the Ranch, Jeff is predictably acting as weird as possible in front of everyone. The mask was ridiculous by itself but now his taken the look to a new level by pairing it with a ridiculous looking beanie which he is wearing backwards. Probably because the itty-bitty brim would interfere with his mask. Um, aren’t you all in L.A? Isn’t it a little warm for a wool cap? Can you imagine how sweaty his forehead is under that mask? When he finally decides to take it off Ashley is going to run away from the stench alone.

We’re back in Vegas now and it’s time for the evening portion of the date. During dinner, we get the standard convo. ‘Tell me EVERYTHING!” And we learn that Mickey’s mother has passed away. (Rant Time: Okay, seriously. Do every single one of these guys have a dead parent/spouse? I understand we need a few sob stories but every time I turn around one of these guys is telling Ashley about their dead relatives. What’s wrong with casting a few people with living parents who don’t have a drinking problem or daddy issues? Are they that hard to find?) Ashley steals another line from Brad Womack and tells Mickey “Thank you for sharing that with me.” Barf. To make matters worse, Ashley tries to put on her poker face (see how I did that there, threw in a Vegas reference. bam!) and tell Mickey that they will flip for the rose. Mickey’s about to be like “aw hell no!” when she says “Just kidding! I finally decided to make a decision like an adult on this date and I’m giving you the rose.” Okay, she didn’t actually say that but I wish she had.

As they head out towards the beach, Ashley throws in the requisite product place (“Gosh, I just LOVE the Mandalay Bay Resort!”) and SURPRISE! there is a performance set up for just them! Wow, this is so unexpected. They’ve never done anything like this before.

When I see it’s Colbie Caillat I get a little sad for her. Has it really come to the point for her where making appearances on The Bachelorette is necessary? C’mon Colbie, you’re better than that.

Wait, who is that? (ABC)

I’m not really sure at this point, if Mickey knows who Colbie Caillat is but he plays along and acts like it is just the greatest date he could ever ask for.  (Side note, Train is performing at the KY State Fair this summer. I know it’s that bad for them. Do you think that means Colbie will be here next year?)

The date ends with Ashley waxing poetic about how perfect the date was. How’s a girl ever to choose which one was the MOST perfect? I know! Flip a coin.

Rose Ceremony 
So it’s game time now. Which I’m hoping means, Mask reveal time. Thunder strikes which is a cue from above letting us know how dramatic this is really going to be.

Constantine, our resident genius, tells us that “Unless you got one of those red things on” you need to bring it. Um, you mean a rose Constantine? Have you ever watched this show before? Thankfully that brilliance is interrupted by the beauty that is JP. He swoops in and steal Ashley away for some face time. At this point, I’m hoping she likes him enough to keep him around for a while but not enough to actually pick him. (PS – if you want a spoiler on this season, head over to RealitySteve. He’s got the full scoop now.) As much as I hated the coin tossing before, it is mildly endearing coming from JP and I oddly find him going in for a kiss not cheesy. What is happening to me? Ashley clearly thinks he’s as hot as we all do, since she gets all flustered and can hardly speak. No judging here.

As she works her way through the dudes (ew, not like that dirty minds), I realize that Ashley has learned a lot of tricks from Brad Womack. And by tricks, I mean over-used catch phrases. Just trust me on this.

Water polo Nick is teaching Ashley how to line dance which is kind of cute in a different way when the Columbus comedian cuts in like an awkward kid at prom. I am annoyed. This annoyance is only lifted when Nick calls William a ‘Ding Dong.’ I couldn’t agree more.

William goes in for another kiss (c’mon stop hogging her. you already got a one-on-one. don’t you know how this works. back off and give the other guys time to work their mojo) while telling Ashley their date was the most romantic date of his lifetime (this comment is so odd and weird that I can’t even comment). All the while, MASK Dude is stalking from above. Creeper much? You’re not helping dispel the Phantom of the Opera comparisons.

As the dudes talk trash about William, I wonder aloud why they haven’t brought up the fact that he’s a cell-phone salesman (or as he puts it “someone who brings communication to the masses”). When they’re bored with William they move onto bashing Mask Dude while he watches and plans their demise from above.

Mask Dude finally pulls Ashley aside and of course, he picks the weirdest place to have a conversation – the dark stairwell. He tells us his sob story (I know, ANOTHER one) and Ashley, looking uncomfortable for once, listens hoping he’s finally going to do the big reveal. It’s just … about… to… happen… when Matt interrupts and we’re stuck with the Mask for one more week. BLEH. (I’m pretty sure the producers set that up, they know that Mask is creepy reality tv awesomeness.)

Ben C. acts like a normal human being (they have those on this show?) and is relatively funny and charming. Ashley, on the other hand, still acts like a robot cheerleader.

Then the moment you’ve all been waiting for. As William brags some more about his weird ass date, Bentley give us his opinion. “I’d rather be swimming in pee than go on that date.”

Bleh. (ABC)

Cue Bentley saying he would “rather be swimming in pee” than be on that date. And with that comment, Bentley continues to raise the bar on what it means to be a douchebag in America. Then, because he’s just so cool like that, he decides to take Ashley aside and carry her to the fireplace. I hold back the urge to barf as he open mouth kisses her (while providing commentary about how gross it was. Well at least he’s right about one thing). I’m wishing that a secret cell-phone would ring at this moment and our girl Michelle would be on the line telling Ashley to get right and kick this tool in the junk ASAP.

Ashley, let’s have a quick heart to heart (HtoH from here on out), you need to 1. Stop acting so desperate in front of Bentley. 2. Stop acting like a 13-year-old girl who scribbles I heart Bentley in her notebook. 3. Stop stealing catch phrases from Brad Womack.

If you can follow those rules, this season will be just as horrible but maybe a little less annoying.

The clock strikes midnight, Bentley turns back into a possum and scurries away into the night and they all live happily ever after.

Since that didn’t happen, here’s who gets the roses.

William, Mickey, Bentley already had those red things. The rest go to:

  1. West
  2. Constantine
  3. Sun God aka Ryan P.
  4. Ben C.
  5. Nick
  6. Dr. Degree aka Ames
  7. Lucas (who is that guy? Where did he come from? Swear, I’ve never seen him.)
  8. MASK Dude.
  9. JP (That’s what im talking about.)
  10. Chris
  11. Ben F. (Constantine was worried he wouldn’t get more time to bond with his twin but now they have at least one more week. So happy together.)

Final Rose. Dun, dun, duuun. Who will it be. The hairstylist. The baby face, the dentist, the nice dressed dude. (The hairstylist is so nervous he has flipped his hair like 19 times.) And the final rose goes to…

  1. Blake. The dentist with the bad outfit.

Matt calls his mom to boo-hoo about getting kicked off (um, and you wonder why you’re still single.) Stephen flips his hair and acts bummed out and Ryan texts his buddies to find out where they should meet up for brewskies bruh.

Previews for next week further confirm that Bentley is a huge tool/douchebag/horrible person/scum bucket/loser/rotten head/doody monster/douche.

And then it happens. The BEST. MONTAGE. EVER. Seriously, they’ve really done it this time. Mask Dude – He’s just like us! He swims! He snacks! He poops! (eww!) He vacuums!

Yummy! (ABC)

So there we have it, episode two is in the books. Who is your favorite? How long do you think Mask Dude will keep on keeping on?

Until next time…. stay tuned!

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I think I wanna marry you! – The Bachelorette Re-cap Part I

Hello friends. Hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend and what better way to end a three-day fun fest than with an episode of The Bachelorette. Definitely a great way to cap off a great weekend.

After the requisite montage of what has happened and what will happen, they throw it to Chris Harrison who is at the house to explain how the show works to the dudes. Um, how many seasons have there been? Like 20. If these guys have signed up for this show and don’t know how it goes down, they should leave now. And if you’re watching at home and don’t know how this show plays out, you should change the channel. I’m guessing they are just desperate for ways to make Chris Harrison work for his salary.

This is so fun and normal. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The first date card gets played and the one-on-one goes to our umbrella-impaired, Columbus comedian William. Sun dude is pissed (and thankfully, the producers give us a hiatus from hearing him compare the suns rays to his love for Ashley). And since we’ve all been wondering what Ashley is up to at this exact moment, we cut to her sitting oddly alone on a tree stump gazing longingly into the sun (don’t you know that can cause you to go blind!) and down at the ground. (Why ABC why? Do we really need to see these people acting reflective every episode? We know they are self-absorbed and need time with their thoughts. We get it. Enough.)

Back at the OK Corral – Ashley pulls up in The Bachelorette company car, the navy blue Bentley convertible. Cue dudes making really corny comments about how good-looking she is. Don’t know who said this, but I definitely heard someone say “She’s boiling today, she’s so hot.”

William hops in the passenger seat (ps – did you all see how close Ashley was sitting to the steering wheel? Cheerleader is SHORT) while Ashley tells him how much she loves to drive. Well Ashley, I’m pretty sure I’d love to drive too if I had a Bentley to roam around in. Oh and where do you ask is she driving this Bentley to? Just the neighborhood private airport where they’ll hop on the jet for a jaunt to Sin City.

Cut back to the mansion where all the dudes are sitting around plotting how they can kill William. (I’m not saying, I’m just saying.)

Back in Vegas, Ashley and William get recognized as they roam the hotel.  William tells us all, “We’re like a celebrity couple.” Umm, what celebrity couple are you referring to? Oh yeah, the ones where the famous girl is dating some dude no one has ever heard of, like Christina Aguilera and that Jordan Bratman guy or Britney Spears and K-Fed (I’m seeing a Mickey Mouse Club trend and I like it).

So far we’re on a pretty standard Bachelor/Bachelorette-style date until s**t gets awkward. FAST. (And I’m not talking about the fact that they’ve been holding hands since the moment William got in the car.) Rather than going to see a show, or going shopping or playing poker with a famous poker player (that would be a good one, they should do that), ABC has them pretend (or is it) to plan their wedding. I can’t help but wonder why they are doing this. Is it the producers ultimate goal to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible for 120 minutes?

As I watched, I couldn’t even contain the secondary embarrassment. The one saving grace is that William realizes how awkward and weird this date is. He looks like a deer in headlights and is on board with everyone at home who are yelling “WTF” at their television, at least I think he is. More on that later.

Is this real life? (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

I am torn between crawling under a blanket to wait out this awfulness and staring flabbergasted at the TV yelling “Are you serious?” I go for the later and almost explode when he hands her a potted plant to use as a bouquet (why is she wearing white? why are they doing this? make it stop!?)  This cannot be a real date. Why aren’t they seeing cirque du soleil or blue man group?  Or going on a gondola ride or watching fireworks or playing blackjack or DOING ANYTHING ELSE????????

Ashley finally taps the brakes on this date after William agrees to marry her. (Yeah I know, I thought he was creeped out tooT? How can this be a first date? Was the pop-up carnival not available?) She doesn’t seem completely weirded out though and goes as far to say that this is “the best first date I’ve ever been on.”  I, for one, would have run away, far far away as fast as I could.

Instead, Ashley says she is falling in love. This season is starting out odd as hell. I think the producers have become so bored of safaris and helicopters that they are now like “What do you think we can legitimately get away with?” What haven’t we done? I’ve got an idea. Since none of these couples actually get married in real life (i know, i know, except Trista and Ryan) so let’s make them get married now. Maybe they won’t realize it’s real.”

Things are spiraling out of control when we are returned to our normal programming and back to regular Bachelorette-style dates. I think William is going to break the news that he’s a cell-phone sales man (He “brings communication to the people.” Swear, he said that) but instead veers off into heartbreaking family drama (Side note: do you think his watch really stopped at the time his dad passed away? If so, that brings out the paranormal enthusiast in me and I’m intrigued). The heartbreak nails it for Ashley and before you know it, the fountains are going off, they are open mouth kissing and Ashley is telling us that she is “holding onto this date and locking it up in my memory box.” I dry heave but then hear William top that comment with, “My heart is soaring higher than the fountains here.” Unfortunately, that comment is now stored in my memory box permanently.

End Scene.

Now it’s on to THE EVERYONE group date.
Basically every dude (except JP, tear) packs up their gear and hits the friendly skies to Vegas. We know they are having fun because they are showing this part home-video style.

They’re met in Vegas by Hoe-down Ashley. You know, she’s just a country girl hanging out in a tied-up gingham tee. A modern-day Ginger (if Ginger wore jeggings and high heels by Jessica Simpson on Gilligan’s Island). Ashley starts laughing as they pull up. Why is she laughing? She can’t hear them in the limo. This is a little crazy and helps explain the country get-up.

So at this point, you’re probably thinking you’re in the clear. I mean, what could be more awkward than forcing two people to get married on their first date? Well, those fine folks at ABC one-up themselves and decided to force a bunch of white dudes (in plaid)to come up with choreography. Why the Jabbawockeez agreed to this is beyond me.

In a serendipitous twist, Constantine (or is it Ben F.? Seriously, those guys are twins separated at birth)  decides to combine both dates and create a dance that looks like a wedding ceremony. (Has your mind been officially blown? Mine has.)

There are no words. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The dancing is so bad that they bring in Bentley to act like a douche bag. What’s worse is that Bentley is the worst variety of douche, the kind that thinks he’s super cool but then tries to act like he doesn’t care. Ugh, those douche bags are the worst.

Yadda yadda yadda Bentley acts douchey, Stephen aka the hairstylist flips his hair and predictably is the best dancer and Ashley shakes her booty in a sports bra.

Rhythm Nation wins the dance off and the Best Men Crew head back, all bummed out, back to LA.

During this uninteresting time, my mind wanders to what would have happened if Mask Dude had been on this date? Would he have used his own mask instead of the Jabbawockeez mask? Would he have swapped back and forth. Would the ruse have been over?

Get it girl. Get it, get it girl. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The dudes practice while The Jabbawockeez cry back stage and then it’s go time. Thankfully, this portion of the date ends and it’s time for the pool party. Wait, what? There’s no pool party? What kind of Bachelorette is this?

Here’s the part where Bentley cements his status as biggest douchebag currently on television. But before we really get to the good stuff, she sits down with the dentist where they compare cavity horror stories and West.

West finally acts emotional about the death of his wife and takes his spot as this season’s Emily. (Except not as lovable. C’mon you know you all loved Emily. And you know you love her even more now that she dumped the caveman Brad).All he needs is his own little Ricky-Tick.

I’m still not so sure about West. I know people out there just love him but I’m not sold. We’ll see how this whole thing plays out.

Back to Bentley who is trying so hard to be cool and mean but doesn’t realize that we can all see him adjusting his horrible hair every 16 seconds. He and Ashley sit down for a one-on-one and I wonder aloud why he is wearing 6 layers of clothing. Is that what the hipsters in Utah are wearing these days?

Ashley acts BEYOND desperate with him. Did she totally forget about the helpful texts from our girl Michelle? (Who I wish would pop-up in a picture in picture and offer her own personal commentary.) She is coming off as totally insecure and really lame. Is ABC making her act this way in front of him? It’s inexplicable. I’m also confused as to why she is using all of Brad’s lines from last season, “I just need you to trust me.”

And MOST importantly, why isn’t this a pool party?

To add insult to injury, Ashley gives Bentley the rose on this date. WOOF.

The first hour ends and I am almost astonished at how much SE they’ve managed to cram into this show so far. This is going to be a long season.

I’ll be back later with a re-cap of the coin toss date with Mickey (damn you for stealing face time from JP) and the rose ceremony.

Until then… let me know what you all thought was Bentley’s most supremely douchey comment. Or provide your own comment to that horrible picture of the dudes on stage. I am so embarrassed I can’t even come up with one.

(Also, sorry for saying douche bag so much. I promise to incorporate tool, scum bucket, withering rot of a human and more in the next post.)


Filed under The Bachelorette