As I settled into last night’s episode of The Bachelorette I was hopeful. Hopeful that we’d turned the corner on Bentley, bad dates, boring dudes and Ashley talking about how surprised she was that all the guys could pick her up. I was really looking forward to liking this season. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed. Like the most disappointed you can be.
I knew we were off to a rough start when we had to relive the entire Bentley drama in one dreadfully long montage. This would be the first of many moments when I had to fight the urge to fast forward. After reliving the whole “dot dot dot” exchange, Ashley ponders out loud “How can I do this?” Well Ashley, the first step is putting down the purple comforter. I’m sure the second step involves putting some sort of bare midriff shirt on. And last but not least, get your open mouth kissing on with every guy that’s left. Spoiler Alert (not really): Ashley does all of these things this episode. (I know, shocking right?)
p.s. – there is no two-part re-cap this week. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up to you.
So Chris Harrison is on the scene, cuffs rolled up, ready for business. He tells all the guys that this “process” (of elimination) is really serious and they need to take it seriously. Hey Chris – this is a reality TV dating show. It is the opposite of serious. Serious is brain surgery or the war in Afghanistan or tackling unemployment issues. This is a show about a vapid, insecure former cheerleader looking for love by dating 25
former Mickey Mouse Club members guys over a six-week period. Not serious.
Chris “what am I doing with my life” Harrison tells the hipsters in henley to pack their bags, we’re going to Thailand. Cue the excited brah’s giving each other high fives and man hugs.
I imagine Nick is pumped to catch some sweet waves. Ryan (wearing his favorite Hawaiian Hardee’s manager shirt) wonders what the solar profile is like in Thailand and Ames is bored because he’s been everywhere and knows everything. All the while West sits in the corner looking creepy and being boring.
Ashley tells us that she’s never been to Thailand and that she is SOOOOOO excited. (Ugh, Ashley we know. You would be excited to take the garbage out.) The first of many cringes (that turn to angry outbursts) comes when she talks about how much she misses the Mormon tool bag.
After some home video footage (We’re going to Thailand Brah!”) we get to Thailand with Ashley. What the what is she wearing? Hey Ashley, 1999 called and it wants its cut-up and tied wife-beater back. How in the world is Possessionista going to do a wardrobe post about this outfit? In another unfortunate development this season, it appears Ashley is single-handedly trying to bring back the tie-up top/bare midriff.
Ashley bellys up to the front desk and asks the barely fluent in English concierge what they should do while in Thailand. Hey Sunshine and Rainbows – the producers have already planned every minute of your existence for the next 6 weeks. You will do what they say, go where they tell you to go and open mouth kiss who they tell you to kiss. Stop this charade and get to the date already.
What I’m really hoping Ashley will ask is “Do you all have a hot tub on the premises? I’m on this crazy American dating show and the viewers really love it when there are hot tubs involved.” Sadly, another one of my hopes and dreams is crushed when she skips this important detail.
The dudes arrive and quickly stretch out single file across the balcony showing their tight tee’s off proudly to the citizens of Thailand.
Date Card Time. Constantine, “Let’s sea Phuket together.” Aw, how cute is Ashley. See how she did that? She spelled sea like the ocean. What a little doll. And in case those dunces in the suite didn’t know – it’s a clue!
Too bad for Constantine (aka the wonky eyed Ben F.). His island date with Ashley is spoiled by Mother Nature. So it’s off to the market to shop for some chotchkes and run through the streets in the rain. I’m a little pissed about this because I thought the standard back-up plan was a hot tub and champagne but oh well.
Did anyone else think this was the most boring date ever? Ashley, who is usually as hyped up as those pixie-stick addicted prima donnas on Toddlers & Tiaras, sounds like she’s on prozac. Instead of her over the top giggles, she appears to be sleeping (and dreaming of Bentley) her way through this date.
I had stopped listening for a couple minutes (someone was speaking Thai and there were no subtitles) then I hear this gem – “Love is not about winning.” Well that may be true in real life. But this is not real life and on this show Love actually IS about Winning. What a conundrum for these two platonic shopping pals.
Back at the hotel (thank god, I needed a break from that boring sad-sack of a date), we find out who is going on the group date. Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan will be helping Ashley “Make this world a better place.” Cut to a shot of West looking confused since he clearly has no idea how to do go about doing that. It’s just not in his nature.
While the dudes blabber on about how awesome it will be to hang out with Ashley, my mind wanders to Ames. What is he? I feel like looking at him directly is like staring at the sun, I’m afraid I’ll go blind. Thankfully, a friend and loyal reader send a well-timed text alerting me to the fact that Ames is the second coming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (wow, two cartoon look alikes this season – well-played ABC).
Back to the most boring date of the season (that’s a superlative I can get behind) Constantine and Ashley talk incessantly about how good of a time they are having. Um guys, why don’t you all stop talking about having a good time and just have one.
In the mean time, Ashley tells America that on this date “I got a little bit of my heart back and now I’m ready to give it out.” SERIOUSLY Ashley? Seriously you knew Bentley for like 10 days. Are you really THAT heartbroken?
We move to the dinner and tongue kissing portion of the date. Ashley is laying on the beach bed blabbering on about how insecure she is when I notice that Constantine is wearing socks on the beach. C’mon dude. I mean really? What is wrong with these people. Other than the offensive white socks, I find Constantine less-offensive than I thought I would. Probably because he is boring and this date is like watching Brad Womack button his plaid shirt (actually, that may be more entertaining).
We cut back to the hotel to find Ben F., JP and Blake giggling like 12-year-olds at a slumber party wondering if Constantine and Ashley have kissed yet. This oddly endearing moment is ruined when they all realize they have open-mouth kissed the same girl. Which in turn is like open-mouth kissing each other. “Gross!” They all yell in unison and then jump into their sleeping bags to watch a scary movie.
The most boring date in the history of boring dates end with the spine-tingling SE moment.
Ashley: “I felt like you could get me back on my feet again and you DID!”
Constantine: “I did?”
Ashley: “You did!”
Constantine: (cheesy, awkward grin) “YES!” ( I also think there was an arm motion involved here.)
First off, this conversation is 100% real. Second, I am not joking when I say that I had secondary embarrassment goosebumps during this exchange. My body physically reacted to this awfulness.
Constantine gets the rose and Ashley tells us for the 7344354358 time that she had a really great time. (Could have fooled me?)
We end with this classic line, “I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again” Symbol Crash Music. End Scene.
GROUP DATE: After a much-needed commercial break, we’re back and Ashley is still moaning about her heart aching from Bentley leaving. I know this is getting incessant because Drew chimes in with “If she says Bentley one more time I’m going to vomit.” (For the record, she said Bentley about 19343 more times and he did not vomit. What a liar.)
For this date, Ashley has tied up another t-shirt so she and her bare-midriff are all set to help the kiddos. The group date involves all the dudes and Ashley sprucing up a Thai orphanage. I’ll give it to the producers on this one. I thought there was no way to make this group of phonies do anything worth while but I am pleasantly surprised at all the great work these douches do to help out the kids.
The dudes mistakenly praise Ashley for arranging this awesome date (um, do you all not know you are being filmed and that someone is coordinating it? They are called producers and they control your life).
We learn two important facts on this date. 1. Everyone hates Ryan. 2. Ryan has no idea how to paint.
Something we already knew that continues to be discussed is how much Ashley loved Bentley. She is like a 16-year-old girl with a crush (or any aged girl). You know how they try to incorporate their loves name into every sentence? Bring them up for no reason? Ashley is doing all of this and it is annoying and desperate. I want to push her.
To distract her from her anxiety inducing thoughts of Bentley, she goes to hang out with Constantine who is painting a mural. She’s all like “I had so much fun on our date yesterday” when she realizes it’s Ben F.
Part one of the group date ends with some soccer and hugs and it’s on to part two. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for a hot tub.
At the let’s get drunk and go swimming party, Ashley and Ben F. settle in for some one-on-one time. All you need to know about this is that they open-mouth kiss and in between saliva swaps, Ben F. says “Ruh roh.” And there goes my dinner.
I lose the rest of my meal when Ryan calls Ashley “freaking rad.” Thankfully, it was dark so he couldn’t accompany that phrase with any sun hand motions but I still get the SE goosebumps.
During his discussion with Ashley, the dudes, led by West, devise a plan to “get rid” of Ryan if he wins a rose. Okay, I made that part up. But they do talk about how much they hate him.
Finally, JP gets some screen time and he romantically takes Ashley down to the beach where they get down to business.
(Side note: JP + Rain + Open Neck Button down – Ashley = Dreamy)
I want to step through the TV, kick Ashley out-of-the-way and sit down under that umbrella. This day-dream is ended when I look up at the screen and see Ashley and JP rolling around in the sand open mouth kissing.
At this point, a little bit of my soul is dying as I watch them open mouth kissing (and not because I heart JP) . Seeing someone’s tongue enter another’s mouth is something I don’t want to see on network tv. I literally buried my head in my couch and waited until Drew told me it was over.
When they are done fornicating on the beach, JP carries Ashley (“Oh my god! I can’t believe you can carry me!”) back to the party.
Here’s how the rest of the night goes down: Dudes get mad that JP carried Ashley. Ashley decides it’s rose time. Ryan decides its Ryan time. Lucas yells “GOOOBER!” at Ryan (best line of the season). Ryan and Ashley talk awkwardly under an umbrella. It’s for real rose time. Ben F. gets the rose. No hot tub. End Scene.
Famous Amos one-on-one.
I wonder if William didn’t get any dates this episode because they know how umbrella-impaired he is and wanted to pair the audience the embarrassment of watching him attempt to operate one.
Before this date gets under way, we take a moment to freeze frame on Ames. He is an odd-bird. There’s the self-tanner and the uber white teeth. Then I wonder if he is wearing make-up (not just camera make-up but make-up make-up). And then I take a long look at his face. What is wrong with it? Is it the wonky eye or the fact that his lips don’t budge when he’s talking. I don’t know but things aren’t right.
On the boat ride, Ames let’s Ashley know that he has been everywhere, including Thailand, twice. He also has twice as many degrees as everyone in your family (all from the Ivy League), so get over it. He also tells Ashley that he is super spontaneous because “Last minute is the best minute.” And with every sentence, Ames is sounding more and more like a well-traveled Andy Bernard.
As the boat heads into the caves, I am reminded of Brad’s cave date with big-boobs Alli and wonder if she will abandon Ames on a deserted cave beach. I girl can dream.
All the while, Ames is telling Ashley that he’s been to a million countries. How do I know this? Because he never misses an opportunity to talk about how much better he is than everyone. He’s smarter than you too in case you had forgotten already.
At the beach picnic, Ames and Ashley try to one-up each other talking about their exes. Ames talks about a girl he legitimately dated while Ashley talks about Brad Womack and loving Bentley.
When we break before the night portion of the date, Ashley comes on-screen to tell America (again, I know) how much she misses Bentley. I aggressively jump up and yell at the TV that he is gone. Like seriously gone. Gone like the N’Sync song (I’ve been listening to some N’Sync pandora lately. I blame it on this show and their motley crew of boy band under studies).
At dinner, Ashley talks about how different (aka weird) Ames is. It is at this point I decide that this is the most boring episode I’ve seen of this show. This date is like watching two people you never want to hang out with. As a friend and loyal reader texted me last night, “Ashley is so ordinary… I may as well watch my neighbor.”
At this point, I’m guessing her neighbor is more interesting. Anyways, they don’t kiss, Ames gets the rose and we’re done(all the while I am wishing I could push both of them in the face).
Rose Ceremony Time.
Ashley talks more about Bentley and her dark place. Thankfully, it’s been a week which is like 6 months on this show and she’s gotten some meds, so she’s feeling much better.
Ashley shows up in a bedazzled burlap sack and is ready to get done to business.
She talks to West (dead wife) and Lucas (divorced wife) and I am very tempted to fast-forward to the “good part” aka the end of the show.
I am bored to tears. I never thought I would long to watch Brad “The Plaid” Womack and Michelle “Baby I Got Your” Money but sweet lord above, bring them back! This season is MIZZ.
The only mildly entertaining part of the rose ceremony is Ryan’s montage about the Seven Dwarfs. “Sorry I’m happy. Sorry I’m not Grumpy. Or Sleepy, Or Doc.” Since Ryan knows everyone hates him, he tries to make military reference hoping that this will make American love him. It doesn’t. I’m pretty sure Ryan himself is solar-powered and that’s where all his positive energy (aka douchebaggery) comes from.
Chris Harrison or “This Guuuuuuy!” (whoever said that is awesome and should for sure get a rose. my money is on nick) is in the house and it’s rose time. (Actually, it’s not but I fast forwarded through the Ashley/Chris sit-down).
There’s a twist. Ashley has decided to only eliminate one guy this week. Awkward (please imagine me saying this under my breath with every syllable stretched out).
Remember Famous Amos and the Twins already have roses. So the remaining buds go to:
- Lucas the rich smelling mute
- Ryan (blech)
- JP (hubba hubba)
- Nick (I think he may be my new favorite)
- Mickey (where has he been the last 2 episodes)
- Blake aka the aggressive dentist
- William (double blech)
- Ben C. aka Flashdance
West has to pack his bags and head home to the Star Magazine accusations back home. And the rest of us now have a week reprieve from this show.
The previews with Bentley’s return already have me annoyed for next week.
Thankfully, the credit scene with Nick makes up for that and I am perplexed as to why that wasn’t included in the actual show because it was awesome and not boring.
How are you all handling this season? I am struggling through it. Bachelor Pad and this blog (and my loyal readers. all 8 of you) are all that is keeping me going. How much better would Michelle have been as the Bachelorette?
Let me know what made you crawl under your couch (or bed or any other piece of furniture).
Until then… stay tuned!