It’s been a long time, you thought I left you without a dope beat to step to. Pardon the Aaliyah reference. Things are pretty bleak over here at SE. First off, The Bachelorette is slowly sucking at my will to watch TV and second, I’m reconsidering my commitment to ‘Love in the Wild’ and thinking of throwing my Wednesday night recaps to The Challenge: Rivals. Thoughts?
I do have one positive to report this (sweltering) Tuesday morning – we made it through an entire episode without hearing about he who must not be named (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out this week! what what! Sorry got to sneak those references in when I can). I even made a cocktail prepared to finally give the drinking game a go and once again, Ashley disappoints me (but this time in a kind of good way and at least I had a cocktail to drink away the disappointment).
So the whole gang is heading over to Taiwan. And by travel, I mean they jaunt across a cartoon map of the Orient (hey, they played the semi-racist music, not me) to the Hidden Jewel of Asia. Ashley uses her montage voice-over to discuss how amazing Taiwan is, how it is the perfect place to fall in love and that it is the most beautiful, romantic, amazing, awesome place to fall in love (I think she had at least 6 other superlatives but you get the point).
Do you ever wish they would come on be like “Yeah, we’re going to this place. It sucks. It’s crowded, gross, the people are mean and the food is nasty. Basically it is the worst place ever to fall in love but we’re going to give it a go.” I think this would add some nice realism to the show. Yeah, it’s easy to fall in love when everything is all market dates and fake weddings but what about when you’re surrounded by dirty homeless people and rude commuters? That’s the true test of love. Okay, enough of my blabbering. On to the show.
Ashley gives us a detailed account of why she likes each guy. The only one with any truth was her Ames analysis, “He is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” You can say that again.
There are six dudes left when we get to Taipei. Only four will have the chance to introduce Ashley to their creepy relatives and awkward friends back home.
There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones. Game on.
As the brahs settle down into their bachelor pad everyone is loving the new digs with one exception: our resident hipster hottie JP. He’s showing that he is certainly Ashley’s perfect match by allowing his insecurity to slowly creep in and eat him from the inside out. He silently seethes in the corner while the first date goes to…
Constantine – Let your love light shine. Love, Ashley.
Ashley shows up in her standard issue outfit: half top (this time the back is missing, this turns out to be a trend this episode. A frightening and alarming trend), jeggings and stripper shoes. The two meet up at a train station and while this date clearly doesn’t involve dancing, Ashley tries to sneak in a little shimmy much to
Ben’s Constantine’s displeasure.
Note: How has it gone unmentioned, this ENTIRE SEASON, that Ben and Constantine are doppelgangers? Not even one funny comment in the credit bloopers. Nothing. This aggression will not stand.
All aboard the True Love Express for Constantine (his name is entirely too long. I will call him Consty from here on out) and Ashley. Viewers experience the train ride with some sensual Thomas the Train music accompanied by some PG petting (mostly from Ashley) capped off by the phallic train-in-the-tunnel moment. Once that’s over we’re in the “adddooooorrable” Ping Shi Village. I wish Ames had been on this date. We could have heard some insightful commentary on the history of Taiwan and this specific village rather than hearing Ashley describe the world like a 7-year old girl talking about kittens.
To continue their tradition of painting things on dates (wait, that’s Ben isn’t it? This look alike thing is getting out of hand) the two paint a love lantern for the ceremonial release later that night (not meant to be a dirty sentence but came across that way. sorry!) These dodo birds attempt to paint something of meaning (How do you draw marriage? What would commitment look like? What shape is a heart?) while the locals look on condescendingly.
We learn later that this lantern has little to no meaning after a stray dog provides it with its true meaning – “I piss on your love.”
Back at the suite the dudes are having an intense staring contest while waiting for the date card to arrive. The Hunchback leaves everyone in surprise (or maybe he is still concussed and just talks like that now) until he announces
Constantine Ben is the winner of the date card lottery. Ben pretends to be excited while Ryan is all “Awww Man!” pouting about how outdoor dates are his thing.
I think the Constantine Ben back-to-back dates are a deliberate attempt by the producers to confuse the shit out of Ashley. She’s got to get them confused, doesn’t she?
Back in Ping Shi, Consty
gets real with Ashley and in the one moment of truth on this show, let’s her know that (shocker!) he’s not in love with her yet. Hallelujah it appears real humans may still populate The Bachelorette. Ashley isn’t buying this and aggressively rest her hand near Consty’s package while he keeps his neatly folded and far away from her.
Ashley is in total surprise to find out that Consty actually listens to what she says since she doesn’t listen to what anyone says except for “You’re so pretty!” or “You’re so skinny!” She’s far too busy listening to her own insecure thoughts to pay attention to what the guys are talking about.
This revelation scores big for Consty and they are letting their love light shine and open mouth kissing in no time.
This date decidedly trumps Ashley’s last “most romantic date ever” while Consty adds that “he’s never been happier” as they sway in the glow of the lantern light.
Next up: Constantine Part Deux or Ben as they like to call him on this show.
We know this date is an outdoor date since Ashley shows up in some booty shorts and another ill-fitting top, this time a men’s XL t-shirt.
After these two sway and stare awkwardly in each others eyes for what seemed like 3 minutes, she finally tells him what the date is and they skip on over to their … Moped!
As the scoot off into the mountains, Ben gets some serious bonus points with his ‘Dumb and Dumber” reference. Although I am quite certain the reference was entirely lost on Ashley. I don’t know if it was the moped or the mountains or Ben’ calling Ashley kiddo or Ashley’s tween sized arms holding tight to Ben but these two crazy kids are falling in love. Don’t be fooled though, Ashley still sneaks her insecurity into this date when she asks Ben – while riding the moped- “But you’re happy right?” Oh Ashley, what are we going to do with you?
Back at the swanky hotel, the dudes find out that Ashley is grooming Ames, Lucas and JP for the big day. This mean Ryan finally gets his one on one date. Praise the Sun Gods – the day is near!
Back to the love birds, Ben shows up for dinner in his chambray shirt ready to get down to business. This is especially apparent when Ashley compares their dinner wine to the one Ben brought her. He slams down his glasses, throws the other in her face and yells “Are you f-ing kidding me? This swill doesn’t even compare.” AW man, I wish that had happened. Instead, Ben acts mildly annoyed and mumbles under his breath something about Ashley being an idiot.
This dinner is mildly painful. Ashley manages to ask Ben to reassure her 19 times before she believes that he really likes her and Ben uses his words to spit out that he can’t wait for her to meet his mommy and daddy.
As Ben strings together sentences pouring his love out for Ashley, she sits there oddly staring at him like there is spinach in his teeth. I start to complain about how she doesn’t respond to him but then I realize we’ve made it an entire minute without having to listen to her whiny voice. Point Ben.
We think the date ends with an open mouth kiss but apparently there was more and Ben does his walk of shame into the penthouse the next morning. This makes JP’s blood boil and right before I think he is going to lunge across the sofa and smother Ben with his beanie, he exits the room.
Group Date: Awkward Wedding Photos with Ames, JP and Lucas.
The dudes met up with Ashley at a Thai Olin Mills where they find out they’ll be taking wedding pictures. Yay! Ashley is so excited about this that she dug out one of her old cheer-leading skirts so she could play real life Ken & Barbie with these three saps.
While Ashley looks as excited as her sister in front of a pile of coupons, the guys look less than thrilled. And by less than thrilled, I mean terrified. While the guys try to regain composure, Ashley tells America that this is an important date where she will learn if they’re ready for marriage, if they can commit and most importantly, if they look “cute” in wedding pictures. We’re creating true love here folks.
The photo sequence goes down pretty fast.
Basically, Lucas gets set up to look like an old Thai lady for the traditional pics (cause he’s a traditional southern gentleman ya’ll!). They take the least romantic, most awkward pictures ever and he is pissed about it.
Ames, who has no idea where he is, takes it like a good sport and wears his baby blue tux with pride. He and Ashley take pictures in a fake tree for no apparent reason and as soon as it begun, his photos are over.
JP, who pouted more effectively than a 3-year-old girl, gets his way and dons a James Bond style black tux. He looks smoking hot but his new attitude stains his look. Ashley eats it up and they stand in front of a $3 backdrop while being SOOOO HAAPPPY!
The awkward wedding photo date ends with them checking out their best shots. They leave behind their 11 x 14′s so they can grace the entry of this Sears Portrait Studio for years to come.
The dinner portion of the date is a mix of each guy chest puffing for Ashley’s affection. Actually, this is a total lie. The rest of the date is a competition between JP and Lucas on who can be the bigger whiny brat. http://itsnotavespa.tumblr.com/
Side Note: Where on earth did Ames sneak those family photos in from? All of a sudden we’re looking at 12-year-old Ames and I’m thinking, “Have those been in your suitcase the whole time?” Seriously, he’s just been holding on to those waiting for the perfect time to drop them on Ashley. I’m guessing there was one of Ames’ parents monster sized house and Ashley is like, “Well hell. I gotta see that place.” Poor Ames, unpopular til he was 26, I mean 16.
The moment Ryan’s been waiting for…. the one-on-one.
I know this date is off to a bad, bad SE start when these two start running (if that’s what you call that) towards each other in the open square. If a little piece of you didn’t die while watching then you haven’t truly felt the effects of SE. Ps. – Did anyone else notice that Ashley wasn’t wearing shoes as she walk/ran across the square?
This is when Drew throws in his important comment of the show. “I’m no fashionista (yup, I taught him that word) but really what the f** is up with that shirt?” Love it. Glad to know that he has also noticed Ashley’s new trend of backless tops.
If we’re using superlatives, this meet up has got to go down as the most awkward in Bachelor(ette) history. I covered myself up in sofa cushions and asked Drew to let me know when Ashley found a normal shirt. I am currently writing this post from my cushion fort.
So, other than the mountains of SE this date was pretty boring. Basically, the two of them walk around and talk. As they wander and watch people do Thai chi, Ryan quizzes Ashley on what she’s doing to help the environment and when they are going to get married. These topics of convo clearly make Ashley uncomfortable and I can see this date taking a bad turn.
I know that it’s a bad sign when they play the game for the match making gods and the blocks don’t match up right. Ashley silently jumps for joy while Ryan begins to hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, at any minute is seems like he could either laugh or break down into tears. He seems a little mentally unstable to me.
The sun comes out and Ryan uses its energy to tell Ashley about the most boring topic of all time – Water Heaters. At this point, Ashley throws the brakes on this date and lays it out for Ryan. “Look dude, you’re nice and you love our planet but this thing isn’t gonna work out.”
The worst part is that Ryan thought this date was going AMAZEballs. Like he was not just on cloud nine, he jumped over that cloud and went straight to 10. This is what makes it all the more awkward when Ashley “breaks up” with him.
As she lays down the law, Ryan looks like Ashley shot his puppy or the sun. And in the most epic line in SE history he says “So you don’t want to meet my family?” Oh god, oh god. I steal Ryan’s paper bag idea and start hyperventilating myself. Ryan’s so awkward and so weird and so bad yet so naive and I almost feel bad for him. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now since it looks like he’s about to go drown himself in that koi pond.
As Ashley drags out the break up (don’t hold hands when you are breaking up with someone), Drew notices there is a giant jungle cat lurking in the background. Snap. She is about to just leave his ass to get eaten by a giant jungle cat. Are they at the zoo? Doesn’t seem like it, that cat is roaming pretty freely.
As Ashley leaves him she notes that Ryan “Really likes me and he’s a really smart guy.” This is clearly a ‘If, Then” statement for Ashley. If he really likes me, then he is really smart. Oh Ashley and her insecurity.
The pair drop hands and go their separate ways but not before they get one last hug (is it groping if she’s wearing only half a shirt?). Ashley back to cocktail filled dates and Ryan to his destiny with the jungle cat (Drew says he is just as nervous for Ryan now as he was for Casey when Ali left his ass on a mountain in Iceland.)
Ryan stuffs his hands in his pockets, hangs his head and walks straight into the jungle cats lair.
Poor guy stutters and cries awkwardly into the camera and I try to leave the room but am paralyzed with SE. I almost feel bad for the guy but then he makes me so uncomfortable.
Our closing shot if of sad Ryan wandering Taiwan. And to add insult to injury they can’t even give the dude a lift to the airport – they make him hail his own cab.
This post is way too long so I am going to wrap this up.
Ashley stares at the dudes pictures longingly while Ames provides expert commentary on this episode. I honestly wish we could have him do commentary the rest of the reason. He gives us a nice recap of the guys state of mind. I love it.
Ben and Constantine sit down next to each other and seriously THEY ARE TWINS.
Heart to Heart with CH. Boring except that Ashley ONCE AGAIN kills the cocktail party. The producers need to put their foot down on this bull.
CH gives them all the sympathy break-up speech and it’s on.
- JP already has a rose.
- Ames (Who looks like he has been propped up. I think someone’s been doing that ever since he got concussed. When his name is called, he is like “where am i?”)
Lucas is sent packing. The dudes all stand around and are like “I totally didn’t expect that” which is code for “Ames, how the f are you still here?” Lucas leaves with dignity and without crying which i appreciate. He’d make a good bachelor.
Ashley starts getting emotional in her solo interview. Despite wanting to keep all the guys in her polly pocket case she takes with her everywhere she is not emotionally prepared to let them go. “I never knew there would be this much pressure.” Are you serious? What did you think you got to keep them all. Woof.
Drew pipes in with another insightful thought when he says, “Do you think every time she talks the producers are like ‘Oh god, why did he pick her?’” I whole heartedly agree and will no wrap this post up.
I know Emily came on afterwards and to wrap that up here goes: Crying, Broke up with Brad, Lip Quiver Crying, Being Cute as a Button, Crying, Being Precious, No more Brad and Emily. That’s a wrap.
So what did you all think of this episode? I know I left a lot out (mainly Ames’ outfit choices) so feel free to leave your favorite parts in the comments.
Until next time… stay tuned.