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Ashley Hebert and The Quest for Unconditional Love – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 7 Recap

It’s been a long time, you thought I left you without a dope beat to step to. Pardon the Aaliyah reference. Things are pretty bleak over here at SE. First off, The Bachelorette is slowly sucking at my will to watch TV and second, I’m reconsidering my commitment to ‘Love in the Wild’ and thinking of throwing my Wednesday night recaps to The Challenge: Rivals. Thoughts?

I'm Waaaiting. (Abc/Kenny Ting)

I do have one positive to report this (sweltering) Tuesday morning – we made it through an entire episode without hearing about he who must not be named (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out this week! what what! Sorry got to sneak those references in when I can).  I even made a cocktail prepared to finally give the drinking game a go and once again, Ashley disappoints me (but this time in a kind of good way and at least I had a cocktail to drink away the disappointment).

So the whole gang is heading over to Taiwan. And by travel, I mean they jaunt across a cartoon map of the Orient (hey, they played the semi-racist music, not me) to the Hidden Jewel of Asia. Ashley uses her montage voice-over to discuss how amazing Taiwan is, how it is the perfect place to fall in love and that it is the most beautiful, romantic, amazing, awesome place to fall in love (I think she had at least 6 other superlatives but you get the point).

Do you ever wish they would come on be like “Yeah, we’re going to this place. It sucks. It’s crowded, gross, the people are mean and the food is nasty. Basically it is the worst place ever to fall in love but we’re going to give it a go.” I think this would add some nice realism to the show. Yeah, it’s easy to fall in love when everything is all market dates and fake weddings but what about when you’re surrounded by dirty homeless people and rude commuters? That’s the true test of love. Okay, enough of my blabbering. On to the show.

Ashley gives us a detailed account of why she likes each guy. The only one with any truth was her Ames analysis, “He is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” You can say that again.

There are six dudes left when we get to Taipei. Only four will have the chance to introduce Ashley to their creepy relatives and awkward friends back home.

There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones. Game on.

As the brahs settle down into their bachelor pad everyone is loving the new digs with one exception: our resident hipster hottie JP. He’s showing that he is certainly Ashley’s perfect match by allowing his insecurity to slowly creep in and eat him from the inside out. He silently seethes in the corner while the first date goes to…

Constantine – Let your love light shine. Love, Ashley.  

Ashley shows up in her standard issue outfit: half top (this time the back is missing, this turns out to be a trend this episode. A frightening and alarming trend), jeggings and stripper shoes. The two meet up at a train station and while this date clearly doesn’t involve dancing, Ashley tries to sneak in a little shimmy much to Ben’s Constantine’s displeasure.

Note: How has it gone unmentioned, this ENTIRE SEASON, that Ben and Constantine are doppelgangers? Not even one funny comment in the credit bloopers. Nothing. This aggression will not stand.

All aboard the True Love Express for Constantine (his name is entirely too long. I will call him Consty from here on out) and Ashley. Viewers experience the train ride with some sensual Thomas the Train music accompanied by some PG petting (mostly from Ashley) capped off by the phallic train-in-the-tunnel moment. Once that’s over we’re in the “adddooooorrable” Ping Shi Village. I wish Ames had been on this date. We could have heard some insightful commentary on the history of Taiwan and this specific village rather than hearing Ashley describe the world like a 7-year old girl talking about kittens.

To continue their tradition of painting things on dates (wait, that’s Ben isn’t it? This look alike thing is getting out of hand) the two paint a love lantern for the ceremonial release later that night (not meant to be a dirty sentence but came across that way. sorry!) These  dodo birds attempt to paint something of meaning (How do you draw marriage? What would commitment look like? What shape is a heart?) while the locals look on condescendingly.

We learn later that this lantern has little to no meaning after a stray dog provides it with its true meaning – “I piss on your love.”

Back at the suite the dudes are having an intense staring contest while waiting for the date card to arrive. The Hunchback leaves everyone in surprise (or maybe he is still concussed and just talks like that now) until he announces Constantine Ben is the winner of the date card lottery. Ben pretends to be excited while Ryan is all “Awww Man!” pouting about how outdoor dates are his thing.

I think the Constantine Ben back-to-back dates are a deliberate attempt by the producers to confuse the shit out of Ashley. She’s got to get them confused, doesn’t she?

Back in Ping Shi, Consty

It's Addooorrrable.

gets real with Ashley and in the one moment of truth on this show, let’s her know that (shocker!) he’s not in love with her yet. Hallelujah it appears real humans may still populate The Bachelorette. Ashley isn’t buying this and aggressively rest her hand near Consty’s package while he keeps his neatly folded and far away from her.

Ashley is in total surprise to find out that Consty actually listens to what she says since she doesn’t listen to what anyone says except for “You’re so pretty!” or “You’re so skinny!” She’s far too busy listening to her own insecure thoughts to pay attention to what the guys are talking about.
This revelation scores big for Consty and they are letting their love light shine and open mouth kissing in no time.

This date decidedly trumps Ashley’s last “most romantic date ever” while Consty adds that “he’s never been happier” as they sway in the glow of the lantern light.
Next up: Constantine Part Deux or Ben as they like to call him on this show. 

We know this date is an outdoor date since Ashley shows up in some booty shorts and another ill-fitting top, this time a men’s XL t-shirt.

After these two sway and stare awkwardly in each others eyes  for what seemed like 3 minutes, she finally tells him what the date is and they skip on over to their … Moped!

As the scoot off into the mountains, Ben gets some serious bonus points with his ‘Dumb and Dumber” reference. Although I am quite certain the reference was entirely lost on Ashley. I don’t know if it was the moped or the mountains or Ben’ calling Ashley kiddo or Ashley’s tween sized arms holding tight to Ben but these two crazy kids are falling in love. Don’t be fooled though, Ashley still sneaks her insecurity into this date when she asks Ben – while riding the moped- “But you’re happy right?” Oh Ashley, what are we going to do with you?

Back at the swanky hotel, the dudes find out that Ashley is grooming Ames, Lucas and JP for the big day. This mean Ryan finally gets his one on one date. Praise the Sun Gods – the day is near!

Did someone say pose? (ABC/Kenny Ting)

Back to the love birds, Ben shows up for dinner in his chambray shirt ready to get down to business. This is especially apparent when Ashley compares their dinner wine to the one Ben brought her. He slams down his glasses, throws the other in her face and yells “Are you f-ing kidding me? This swill doesn’t even compare.” AW man, I wish that had happened. Instead, Ben acts mildly annoyed and mumbles under his breath something about Ashley being an idiot.

This dinner is mildly painful. Ashley manages to ask Ben to reassure her 19 times before she believes that he really likes her and Ben uses his words to spit out that he can’t wait for her to meet his mommy and daddy.

As Ben strings together sentences pouring his love out for Ashley, she sits there oddly staring at him like there is spinach in his teeth. I start to complain about how she doesn’t respond to him but then I realize we’ve made it an entire minute without having to listen to her whiny voice. Point Ben.

We think the date ends with an open mouth kiss but apparently there was more and Ben does his walk of shame into the penthouse the next morning. This makes JP’s blood boil and right before I think he is going to lunge across the sofa and smother Ben with his beanie, he exits the room.

Group Date: Awkward Wedding Photos with Ames, JP and Lucas. 

The dudes met up with Ashley at a Thai Olin Mills where they find out they’ll be taking wedding pictures. Yay! Ashley is so excited about this that she dug out one of her old cheer-leading skirts so she could play real life Ken & Barbie with these three saps.

While Ashley looks as excited as her sister in front of a pile of coupons, the guys look less than thrilled. And by less than thrilled, I mean terrified. While the guys try to regain composure, Ashley tells America that this is an important date where she will learn if they’re ready for marriage, if they can commit and most importantly, if they look “cute”  in wedding pictures. We’re creating true love here folks.

The photo sequence goes down pretty fast.

Basically, Lucas gets set up to look like an old Thai lady for the traditional pics (cause he’s a traditional southern gentleman ya’ll!). They take the least romantic, most awkward pictures ever and he is pissed about it.

Let's play dress-up!

Ames, who has no idea where he is, takes it like a good sport and wears his baby blue tux with pride. He and Ashley take pictures in a fake tree for no apparent reason and as soon as it begun, his photos are over.

JP, who pouted more effectively than a 3-year-old girl, gets his way and dons a James Bond style black tux. He looks smoking hot but his new attitude stains his look. Ashley eats it up and they stand in front of a $3 backdrop while being SOOOO HAAPPPY!

The awkward wedding photo date ends with them checking out their best shots. They leave behind their 11 x 14′s so they can grace the entry of this Sears Portrait Studio for years to come.

The dinner portion of the date is a mix of each guy chest puffing for Ashley’s affection. Actually, this is a total lie. The rest of the date is a competition between JP and Lucas on who can be the bigger whiny brat. http://itsnotavespa.tumblr.com/

Little Amesy.

Side Note: Where on earth did Ames sneak those family photos in from? All of a sudden we’re looking at 12-year-old Ames and I’m thinking, “Have those been in your suitcase the whole time?” Seriously, he’s just been holding on to those waiting for the perfect time to drop them on Ashley. I’m guessing there was one of Ames’ parents monster sized house and Ashley is like, “Well hell. I gotta see that place.”  Poor Ames, unpopular til he was 26, I mean 16.

The moment Ryan’s been waiting for…. the one-on-one. 

I know this date is off to a bad, bad SE start when these two start running (if that’s what you call that) towards each other in the open square. If a little piece of you didn’t die while watching then you haven’t truly felt the effects of SE. Ps. – Did anyone else notice that Ashley wasn’t wearing shoes as she walk/ran across the square?

This is when Drew throws in his important comment of the show. “I’m no fashionista (yup, I taught him that word) but really what the f** is up with that shirt?” Love it. Glad to know that he has also noticed Ashley’s new trend of backless tops.

If we’re using superlatives, this meet up has got to go down as the most awkward in Bachelor(ette) history. I covered myself up in sofa cushions and asked Drew to let me know when Ashley found a normal shirt. I am currently writing this post from my cushion fort.

So, other than the mountains of SE this date was pretty boring. Basically, the two of them walk around and talk. As they wander and watch people do Thai chi, Ryan quizzes Ashley on what she’s doing to help the environment and when they are going to get married. These topics of convo clearly make Ashley uncomfortable and I can see this date taking a bad turn.

I know that it’s a bad sign when they play the game for the match making gods and the blocks don’t match up right. Ashley silently jumps for joy while Ryan begins to hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, at any minute is seems like he could either laugh or break down into tears. He seems a little mentally unstable to me.

The sun comes out and Ryan uses its energy to tell Ashley about the most boring topic of all time – Water Heaters. At this point, Ashley throws the brakes on this date and lays it out for Ryan. “Look dude, you’re nice and you love our planet but this thing isn’t gonna work out.”

The worst part is that Ryan thought this date was going AMAZEballs. Like he was not just on cloud nine, he jumped over that cloud and went straight to 10. This is what makes it all the more awkward when Ashley “breaks up” with him.

As she lays down the law, Ryan looks like Ashley shot his puppy or the sun. And in the most epic line in SE history he says “So you don’t want to meet my family?” Oh god, oh god. I steal Ryan’s paper bag idea and start hyperventilating myself. Ryan’s so awkward and so weird and so bad yet so naive and I almost feel bad for him. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now since it looks like he’s about to go drown himself in that koi pond.

As Ashley drags out the break up (don’t hold hands when you are breaking up with someone), Drew notices there is a giant jungle cat lurking in the background. Snap. She is about to just leave his ass to get eaten by a giant jungle cat. Are they at the zoo? Doesn’t seem like it, that cat is roaming pretty freely.

As Ashley leaves him she notes that Ryan “Really likes me and he’s a really smart guy.” This is clearly a ‘If, Then” statement for Ashley. If he really likes me, then he is really smart. Oh Ashley and her insecurity.

Hugging or groping - that is the question.

The pair drop hands and go their separate ways but not before they get one last hug (is it groping if she’s wearing only half a shirt?). Ashley back to cocktail filled dates and Ryan to his destiny with the jungle cat (Drew says he is just as nervous for Ryan now as he was for Casey when Ali left his ass on a mountain in Iceland.)

Ryan stuffs his hands in his pockets, hangs his head and walks straight into the jungle cats lair.

Poor guy stutters and cries awkwardly into the camera and I try to leave the room but am paralyzed with SE. I almost feel bad for the guy but then he makes me so uncomfortable.

Our closing shot if of sad Ryan wandering Taiwan. And to add insult to injury they can’t even give the dude a lift to the airport – they make him hail his own cab.

End Scene.

Rose Ceremony:

This post is way too long so I am going to wrap this up.

Ashley stares at the dudes pictures longingly while Ames provides expert commentary on this episode. I honestly wish we could have him do commentary the rest of the reason. He gives us a nice recap of the guys state of mind. I love it.

Ben and Constantine sit down next to each other and seriously THEY ARE TWINS.

Heart to Heart with CH. Boring except that Ashley ONCE AGAIN kills the cocktail party. The producers need to put their foot down on this bull.

Rose Ceremony:

CH gives them all the sympathy break-up speech and it’s on.

  • JP already has a rose.
  • Constantine
  • Ben
    AND…
  • Ames (Who looks like he has been propped up. I think someone’s been doing that ever since he got concussed. When his name is called, he is like “where am i?”)

Lucas is sent packing. The dudes all stand around and are like “I totally didn’t expect that” which is code for “Ames, how the f are you still here?” Lucas leaves with dignity and without crying which i appreciate. He’d make a good bachelor.

Ashley starts getting emotional in her solo interview. Despite wanting to keep all the guys in her polly pocket case she takes with her everywhere she is not emotionally prepared to let them go. “I never knew there would be this much pressure.” Are you serious? What did you think you got to keep them all. Woof.

Drew pipes in with another insightful thought when he says, “Do you think every time she talks the producers are like ‘Oh god, why did he pick her?’” I whole heartedly agree and will no wrap this post up.

I know Emily came on afterwards and to wrap that up here goes: Crying, Broke up with Brad, Lip Quiver Crying, Being Cute as a Button, Crying, Being Precious, No more Brad and Emily. That’s a wrap.

So what did you all think of this episode? I know I left a lot out (mainly Ames’ outfit choices) so feel free to leave your favorite parts in the comments.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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“I just want a friend.” Learning to Love on The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part II

Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”

So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)

Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing

Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.

Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.

As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.

These guys. (ABC/Victor Fraile)

The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.

It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.

Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.

Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).

Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).

As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.

So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.

Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.

After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)

Aren't crop tops just the cutest?!? (ABC/Victor Fraile)

Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)

As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.

The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…

Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.

Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.

At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?

I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.

So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)

Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.

JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)

Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!

Ashley is all dolled up and ready to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.

A Wooo Ga. A Woooo Ga.

Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.

Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.

Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.

After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.

Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.

Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)

  • Ben F.
  • Constantine

AND…

  • Ames

I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.

Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!

I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?

Until then… stay tuned!

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Shut up! – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part I

After watching last night’s episode, it is taking everything I have to write this blog post. We all know The Bachelorette is big on hyperbole. I do not think it is at all an exaggeration when I say that last night was the worst episode in the history of this franchise.

If you did not attempt to pull out your hair, assault your television or curse angrily towards the screen – then I’m not sure you are a living, breathing human. I’m guessing you are a sun-powered robot produced at the same factory as Ryan. As much as it pains me to do this, let’s recap this b**ch.

Obligatory Bentley-drama montage. I’ve recapped this montage I think 5 times now. I cannot bear to do it again. Although, if I didn’t mention that ridiculously cheesy shot of Ashley frozen on the streets on Hong Kong with the crowd moving in fast-forward behind her, I wouldn’t be doing my part in making fun of this show. Seriously, what the f was that? I’m thinking that the producers were so mind-numbingly bored while editing that they just threw this in there to give them something to do.

All the introspective Ashley shots involve her saying the words “dot dot dot” as many times as possible as I repeatedly bang my head against the wall, mumbling incoherently, praying for the punctuation discussions to end. Little did I know, I would never escape the “dot dot dot.” In a moment of sheer brilliance, Ashley explains to the viewing audience that a “dot dot dot” usually means “to be continued.” This is just in case you skipped 6th grade language arts and weren’t sure what ellipses meant.

Thankfully that ends and we’re at the hotel in Hong Kong when Chris Harrison stops by to see Ashley. He tries to hide his annoyance and hatred (At this point, I think Chris may hate Ashley more than all of us, which is seriously saying something) of Ashley while letting her know  that the King of the Douches is here. IN. THIS. HOTEL.

“SHUT UP!!!” Ashley says like a valley girl who just found out her best friend made out with her boy-friend at the prom after party. Or Like Regina George in this, one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time (yes, this season is so bad I have to add awesome movie clips to make writing a post bearable), except that Regina George is not retarded (her words not mine) like Ashley.

She yells this repeatedly and Chris is like “Chill the F out and stop telling me to shut up. I run this show.” He basically breaks it down that they flew el Jerko from Salt Lake all the way to Hong Kong so she can finally get over him and hopefully (fingers crossed!) stop mentioning in every one-on-one interview.

CH scribba scrabbas the number on a napkin and tells Ashley to handle her shit or he will. Then he is gone, like a thief in the night. Rather than playing some blatantly racist Chinese music, ABC leaves us with some artistic white noise so we can clear our heads before heading to commercial.

During this commercial break, Drew’s nice guy facade crumbles and he admits out loud that he “really doesn’t like Ashley” and that it was a horrible decision to pick her. Now it is official. Even nice people hate her and wish she wasn’t the Bachelorette. I am guessing if Michelle Money had been our girl, we would be LOVING this season.

So we’re back and Ashley heads down to Bentley’s room and then waits an eternity to knock. What the F are you waiting for? Just knock already! So Bentley and Ashley makes knock knock jokes for a minute and I consider leaping head first off my couch (i figure I’ll survive, just maybe be a little concussed like Ames).

Bentley opens the door and I immediately regret my decision to eat dinner while watching this episode. Literally, my body begins to physically reject me for watching this show. It is horrible.

This whole conversation is the epitome of Secondary Embarrassment. It’s like watching two 16-year-olds break-up. Except I imagine most 16 year-olds have a better grasp on reality than these two.

They talk in circles for about 5 minutes, mentioning every form of punctuation possible. Ashley says “dot dot dot” for the 39453509483583049583 time and Bentley decides they need to change that to a period. At this point, I yell “ENOUGH!” at my television and run out of the room to fight the urge to get physically ill.

No, I'm not on my period.

No but really, I sit and bear this awful conversation long enough to them to settle on putting a period on their relationship. With this I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. Thankfully it does, but not before Ashley acts Bentley why he came there instead of just calling. SERIOUSLY ASHLEY? How dumb are you? The free loader wanted to a free trip to Hong Kong. The frequent flier miles alone had to make it worth while.

Instead of saving any remaining shards of dignity, Ashley sits in awkward silence for a full minute before taking her loose blouse and stripper shoes back to her room.

We end knowing that Ashley got played. Hard. And despite telling America that she’s done with Bentley we all know that she’s not since she mentions him another 235983404953095 times this episode.

Date Time – Big Tex and Ashley in Downtown Hong Kong
Ames grabs the date card and despite his multiple Ivy league degrees, he still reads aloud like a 3rd grader with a stammer. He finally spits out that Lucas will be getting to spend some QT with Ashley.

Ryan is pissed (which is hard to tell when he is still smiling scarily) that Big Tex stole his one-on-one date but then he sees the sun and is over it.

It’s date time and Ashley has, once again, found a loose blouse, some tight pants and stripper shoes to wear to wander, once again, a market. Markets cannot be the only tourist attraction in Asia. Can’t they do ANYTHING ELSE? Does Hong Kong not have any helicopters? I know they have sky scrapers to rappel off of. The lack of originality makes me think the producers have thrown in the towel on this season too.

Ashley asks Big Tex if it feels like they’re in New York. Um, nope Ashley. There are about a million Chinese people around me and everything is written in an entirely different alphabet. So no. She follows up that gem of a question with the captain obvious comment, “Look at the street market, people are selling things.” Yup Ashley, that’s usually what happens at a street market.

Boring Boring Boring. Then it’s on to dinner but not before Ashley tells us she hasn’t thought about Bentley at all. Really? Then why are you still talking about him? Ugh.

Lucas tells Ashley she’s not the kind of girl he would normally date (score one for honesty) and that the hardest thing he’s been through is the Big D and he don’t mean Dallas.

Back at the ranch, the dudes fight about who will get the one-on-one date and Ames steps up to wear the required plaid shirt. I think that if someone isn’t wearing plaid at all times on this show that the Earth will tilt off its axis or something that could lead to a nuclear winter.

Date card comes and Ben F. grabs it and reads like an adult that Ryan, Mickey, he and his twin, Ames and Blake will be going on the group date where they will get their hearts racing. Blake is pissed that JP gets the one-on-one because his hotness is “definitely a front-runner.” Well yeah, have you seen the guy?

Back on the pirate ship, Ashley gives a lame attempt at suspense but hands the rose over while confirming her insecurity by thanking him for accepting it. The date ends with some open-mouth kissing, some dancing to the music of their hearts, some more slobbery, wet, horribly embarrassing kisses and more hyperbole – “This was the most romantic night of my life.”

End Scene.

I’m going to take a break here but I’ll be back later with more on the twins racing debut, Ashley’s love of crop tops  and sweet, sweet JP.

Until then…stay tuned!

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“Last Minute is the Best Minute” The Bachelorette Episode 4 Recap

As I settled into last night’s episode of The Bachelorette I was hopeful. Hopeful that we’d turned the corner on Bentley, bad dates, boring dudes and Ashley talking about how surprised she was that all the guys could pick her up. I was really looking forward to liking this season. Unfortunately, I was severely disappointed. Like the most disappointed you can be.

I knew we were off to a rough start when we had to relive the entire Bentley drama in one dreadfully long montage. This would be the first of many moments when I had to fight the urge to fast forward. After reliving the whole “dot dot dot” exchange, Ashley ponders out loud “How can I do this?” Well Ashley, the first step is putting down the purple comforter. I’m sure the second step involves putting some sort of bare midriff shirt on. And last but not least, get your open mouth kissing on with every guy that’s left. Spoiler Alert (not really): Ashley does all of these things this episode. (I know, shocking right?)

p.s. – there is no two-part re-cap this week. whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up to you. 

So Chris Harrison is on the scene, cuffs rolled up, ready for business. He tells all the guys that this “process” (of elimination) is really serious and they need to take it seriously. Hey Chris – this is a reality TV dating show. It is the opposite of serious. Serious is brain surgery or the war in Afghanistan or tackling unemployment issues. This is a show about a vapid, insecure former cheerleader looking for love by dating 25 former Mickey Mouse Club members  guys over a six-week period. Not serious.

Chris “what am I doing with my life” Harrison tells the hipsters in henley to pack their bags, we’re going  to Thailand. Cue the excited brah’s giving each other high fives and man hugs.

Let's do this brah!

I imagine Nick is pumped to catch some sweet waves. Ryan (wearing his favorite Hawaiian Hardee’s manager shirt) wonders what the solar profile is like in Thailand and Ames is bored because he’s been everywhere and knows everything. All the while West sits in the corner looking creepy and being boring.

Ashley tells us that she’s never been to Thailand and that she is SOOOOOO excited. (Ugh, Ashley we know. You would be excited to take the garbage out.) The first of many cringes (that turn to angry outbursts) comes when she talks about how much she misses the Mormon tool bag.

After some home video footage (We’re going to Thailand Brah!”) we get to Thailand with Ashley. What the what is she wearing? Hey Ashley, 1999 called and it wants its cut-up and tied wife-beater back. How in the world is Possessionista going to do a wardrobe post about this outfit? In another unfortunate development this season, it appears Ashley is single-handedly trying to bring back the tie-up top/bare midriff.

In case you all forgot, I have a really awesome stomach.

Ashley bellys up to the front desk and asks the barely fluent in English concierge what they should do while in Thailand. Hey Sunshine and Rainbows – the producers have already planned every minute of your existence for the next 6 weeks. You will do what they say, go where they tell you to go and open mouth kiss who they tell you to kiss. Stop this charade and get to the date already.

What I’m really hoping Ashley will ask is “Do you all have a hot tub on the premises? I’m on this crazy American dating show and the viewers really love it when there are hot tubs involved.” Sadly, another one of my hopes and dreams is crushed when she skips this important detail.

The dudes arrive and quickly stretch out single file across the balcony showing their tight tee’s off proudly to the citizens of Thailand.

Date Card Time. Constantine, “Let’s sea Phuket together.”  Aw, how cute is Ashley. See how she did that? She spelled sea like the ocean. What a little doll. And in case those dunces in the suite didn’t know – it’s a clue!

Too bad for Constantine (aka the wonky eyed Ben F.). His island date with Ashley is spoiled by Mother Nature. So it’s off to the market to shop for some chotchkes and run through the streets in the rain. I’m a little pissed about this because I thought the standard back-up plan was a hot tub and champagne but oh well.

Did anyone else think this was the most boring date ever? Ashley, who is usually as hyped up as those pixie-stick addicted prima donnas on Toddlers & Tiaras, sounds like she’s on prozac. Instead of her over the top giggles, she appears to be sleeping (and dreaming of Bentley) her way through this date.

I had stopped listening for a couple minutes (someone was speaking Thai and there were no subtitles) then I hear this gem – “Love is not about winning.” Well that may be true in real life. But this is not real life and on this show Love actually IS about Winning. What a conundrum for these two platonic shopping pals.

Back at the hotel (thank god, I needed a break from that boring sad-sack of a date), we find out who is going on the group date. Ben F., JP, Blake, Mickey, West, Ben C., Nick, Lucas, William and Ryan will be helping Ashley “Make this world a better place.” Cut to a shot of West looking confused since he clearly has no idea how to do go about doing that. It’s just not in his nature.

Ames is that you?

While the dudes blabber on about how awesome it will be to hang out with Ashley, my mind wanders to Ames. What is he? I feel like looking at him directly is like staring at the sun, I’m afraid I’ll go blind. Thankfully, a friend and loyal reader send a well-timed text alerting me to the fact that Ames is the second coming of The Hunchback of Notre Dame (wow, two cartoon look alikes this season – well-played ABC).

Back to the most boring date of the season (that’s a superlative I can get behind) Constantine and Ashley talk incessantly about how good of a time they are having. Um guys, why don’t you all stop talking about having a good time and just have one.

In the mean time, Ashley tells America that on this date “I got a little bit of my heart back and now I’m ready to give  it out.” SERIOUSLY Ashley? Seriously you knew Bentley for like 10 days. Are you really THAT heartbroken?

We move to the dinner and tongue kissing portion of the date. Ashley is laying on the beach bed blabbering on about how insecure she is when I notice that Constantine is wearing socks on the beach. C’mon dude. I mean really? What is wrong with these people. Other than the offensive white socks, I find Constantine less-offensive than I thought I would. Probably because he is boring and this date is like watching Brad Womack button his plaid shirt (actually, that may be more entertaining).

We cut back to the hotel to find Ben F., JP and Blake giggling like 12-year-olds at a slumber party wondering if Constantine and Ashley have kissed yet. This oddly endearing moment is ruined when they all realize they have open-mouth kissed the same girl. Which in turn is like open-mouth kissing each other. “Gross!” They all yell in unison and then jump into their sleeping bags to watch a scary movie.

The most boring date in the history of boring dates end with the spine-tingling SE moment.

Ashley: “I felt like you could get me back on my feet again and you DID!”
Constantine:  “I did?”
Ashley:  “You did!”
Constantine: (cheesy, awkward grin) “YES!” ( I also think there was an arm motion involved here.)

First off, this conversation is 100% real. Second, I am not joking when I say that I had secondary embarrassment goosebumps during this exchange. My body physically  reacted to this awfulness.

Constantine gets the rose and Ashley tells us for the 7344354358 time that she had a really great time. (Could have fooled me?)

We end with this classic line, “I guess hopeless Ashley is now hopeful again”  Symbol Crash Music. End Scene.

GROUP DATE: After a much-needed commercial break, we’re back and Ashley is still moaning about her heart aching from Bentley leaving. I know this is getting incessant because Drew chimes in with “If she says Bentley one more time I’m going to vomit.” (For the record, she said Bentley about 19343 more times and he did not vomit. What a liar.)

For this date, Ashley has tied up another t-shirt so she and her bare-midriff are all set to help the kiddos. The group date involves all the dudes and Ashley sprucing up a Thai orphanage. I’ll give it to the producers on this one. I thought there was no way to make this group of phonies do anything worth while but I am pleasantly surprised at all the great work these douches do to help out the kids.

The dudes mistakenly praise Ashley for arranging this awesome date (um, do you all not know you are being filmed and that someone is coordinating it? They are called producers and they control your life).

We learn two important facts on this date. 1. Everyone hates Ryan. 2. Ryan has no idea how to paint.

Something we already knew that continues to be discussed is how much Ashley loved Bentley. She is like a 16-year-old girl with a crush (or any aged girl). You know how they try to incorporate their loves name into every sentence? Bring them up for no reason? Ashley is doing all of this and it is annoying and desperate. I want to push her.

To distract her from her anxiety inducing thoughts of Bentley, she goes to hang out with Constantine who is painting a mural. She’s all like “I had so much fun on our date yesterday” when she realizes it’s Ben F.

Get to work now suckers.

Part one of the group date ends with some soccer and hugs and it’s on to part two. I’m still keeping my fingers crossed for a hot tub.

At the let’s get drunk and go swimming party, Ashley and Ben F. settle in for some one-on-one time. All you need to know about this is that they open-mouth kiss and in between saliva swaps, Ben F. says “Ruh roh.” And there goes my dinner.

I lose the rest of my meal when Ryan calls Ashley “freaking rad.” Thankfully, it was dark so he couldn’t accompany that phrase with any sun hand motions but I still get the SE goosebumps.

During his discussion with Ashley, the dudes, led by West, devise a plan to “get rid” of Ryan if he wins a rose. Okay, I made that part up. But they do talk about how much they hate him.

Finally, JP gets some screen time and he romantically takes Ashley down to the beach where they get down to business.

(Side note: JP  + Rain + Open Neck Button down – Ashley = Dreamy) 

I want to step through the TV, kick Ashley out-of-the-way and sit down under that umbrella. This day-dream is ended when I look up at the screen and see Ashley and JP rolling around in the sand open mouth kissing.

At this point, a little bit of my soul is dying as I watch them open mouth kissing (and not because I heart JP) . Seeing someone’s tongue enter another’s mouth is something I don’t want to see on network tv. I literally buried my head in my couch and waited until Drew told me it was over.

When they are done fornicating on the beach, JP carries Ashley (“Oh my god! I can’t believe you can carry me!”) back to the party.

The hottie and the nottie.

Here’s how the rest of the night goes down: Dudes get mad that JP carried Ashley. Ashley decides it’s rose time. Ryan decides its Ryan time. Lucas yells “GOOOBER!” at Ryan (best line of the season). Ryan and Ashley talk awkwardly under an umbrella. It’s for real rose time. Ben F. gets the rose. No hot tub. End Scene.

 
Famous Amos one-on-one.  

I wonder if William didn’t get any dates this episode because they know how umbrella-impaired he is and wanted to pair the audience the embarrassment of watching him attempt to operate one.

Before this date gets under way, we take a moment to freeze frame on Ames. He is an odd-bird. There’s the self-tanner and the uber white teeth. Then I wonder if he is wearing make-up (not just camera make-up but make-up make-up). And then I take a long look at his face. What is wrong with it? Is it the wonky eye or the fact that his lips don’t budge when he’s talking. I don’t know but things aren’t right.

On the boat ride, Ames let’s Ashley know that he has been everywhere, including Thailand, twice. He also has twice as many degrees as everyone in your family (all from the Ivy League), so get over it. He also tells Ashley that he is super spontaneous because “Last minute is the best minute.” And with every sentence, Ames is sounding more and more like a well-traveled Andy Bernard.

As the boat heads into the caves, I am reminded of Brad’s cave date with big-boobs Alli and wonder if she will abandon Ames on a deserted cave beach. I girl can dream.

All the while, Ames is telling Ashley that he’s been to a million countries.  How do I know this? Because he never misses an opportunity to talk about how much better he is than everyone. He’s smarter than you too in case you had forgotten already.

In case you needed another angle.

At the beach picnic, Ames and Ashley try to one-up each other talking about their exes. Ames talks about a girl he legitimately dated while Ashley talks about Brad Womack and loving Bentley.

When we break before the night portion of the date, Ashley comes on-screen to tell America (again, I know) how much she misses Bentley. I aggressively jump up and yell at the TV that he is gone. Like seriously gone. Gone like the N’Sync song (I’ve been listening to some N’Sync pandora lately. I blame it on this show and their motley crew of boy band under studies).

At dinner, Ashley talks about how different (aka weird) Ames is. It is at this point I decide that this is the most boring episode I’ve seen of this show. This date is like watching two people you never want to hang out with. As a friend and loyal reader texted me last night, “Ashley is so ordinary… I may as well watch my neighbor.”

At this point, I’m guessing her neighbor is more interesting. Anyways, they don’t kiss, Ames gets the rose and we’re done(all the while I am wishing I could push both of them in the face).

Rose Ceremony Time. 

Ashley talks more about Bentley and her dark place. Thankfully, it’s been a week which is like 6 months on this show and she’s gotten some meds, so she’s feeling much better.

Ashley shows up in a bedazzled burlap sack and is ready to get done to business.

She talks to West (dead wife) and Lucas (divorced wife) and I am very tempted to fast-forward to the “good part” aka the end of the show.

I am bored to tears. I never thought I would long to watch Brad “The Plaid” Womack and Michelle “Baby I Got Your” Money but sweet lord above, bring them back! This season is MIZZ.

The only mildly entertaining part of the rose ceremony is Ryan’s montage about the Seven Dwarfs. “Sorry I’m happy. Sorry I’m not Grumpy. Or Sleepy, Or Doc.” Since Ryan knows everyone hates him, he tries to make military reference hoping that this will make American love him. It doesn’t. I’m pretty sure Ryan himself is solar-powered and that’s where all his positive energy (aka douchebaggery) comes from.

Chris Harrison or “This Guuuuuuy!” (whoever said that is awesome and should for sure get a rose. my money is on nick) is in the house and it’s rose time. (Actually, it’s not but I fast forwarded through the Ashley/Chris sit-down).

Don't make me make you give me a rose.

There’s a twist. Ashley has decided to only eliminate one guy this week. Awkward (please imagine me saying this under my breath with every syllable stretched out).

Remember Famous Amos and the Twins already have roses. So the remaining buds go to:

  • Lucas the rich smelling mute
  • Ryan (blech)
  • JP (hubba hubba)
  • Nick (I think he may be my new favorite)
  • Mickey (where has he been the last 2 episodes)
  • Blake aka the aggressive dentist
  • William (double blech)
And the final rose goes to…. (this is the least suspenseful rose ceremony ever)
  • Ben C. aka Flashdance

West has to pack his bags and head home to the Star Magazine accusations back home. And the rest of us now have a week reprieve from this show.

The previews with Bentley’s return already have me annoyed for next week.

Thankfully, the credit scene with Nick makes up for that and I am perplexed as to why that wasn’t included in the actual show because it was awesome and not boring.

How are you all handling this season? I am struggling through it. Bachelor Pad and this blog (and my loyal readers. all 8 of you) are all that is keeping me going. How much better would Michelle have been as the Bachelorette?

Let me know what made you crawl under your couch (or bed or any other piece of furniture).

Until then… stay tuned!

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“The First Day of My Love Story” The Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap Part II

It’s on to part deux of the recap. The second hour of the show had a lot of lows (Bentley, insecure Ashley, more Bentley) but a few highs (JP one-on-one and abbreviated rose ceremony cocktail party). Let’s discuss.

So every preview in the history of this season has led up to this breakup showdown so why not kick it off with Ashley acting reflective in the rain. First off, she is walking/strutting like Pocahontas. No one walks like that. Second, it is raining. Was it really that important to get this too-cheesy for words footage? This footage outrages me so much that I almost miss her lovey-dovey diatribe about Bentley. “Today makes the first day of my love story.” Yikes. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the story you were planning on writing. (Maybe she’s referring to that sad movie that everyone loves with Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw. Doesn’t she die at the end of that?) Kuddos to producers on that set-up.

The only thing better than that set-up is that Bentley was able to borrow the exact plaid shirt Brad Womack wore to break-up with Ashley. So Bentley shows up and Ashley smothers him in desperate hugs. The settle down in her rustic mansion to talk it out. Little did I know at this point, that I would be subjected to conversation that focused primarily on using punctuations as nouns.

Period. No. Dot dot dot.

This whole back-and-forth is interspersed with Bentley’s side douchebaggery. At first its mean in that mildly amusing way (similar to this blog but more douchey) and then it just turns annoying, dull and flat-out boring.

Bentley tells Ashley: I’m going home to be with Cozy.

Bentley tells America: I can’t stand this bia.

Bentley tells Ashley: I just work up this morning and realized I need to be with my family.

Bentley tells America: I woke up this morning and realized I won this little charade and now I’m tired of it.

Bentley tells Ashley: I really care about you.

Bentley tells America: I don’t give a s**t about Ashley or her small boobs.

During this whole back and forth, the thing that made me most annoyed was that Bentley thinks he’s the first person to ever do this. Um, no you’re not. Just like everything this season, you are a rerun too. They only thing that is special about you is that you’ve managed to be the most, annoying and the biggest tool. Actually, the thing that made me the most annoyed was that he used missing his daughter as an excuse but did not say he legitimately missed her once. Not once.

Getting on my high horse: Bentley, do you think this is the way to treat a lady? I’m guessing you wouldn’t be such a big fan of a guy treating your little Cozy the way you’ve treated Ashley. [Steps off high horse and continues with regularly scheduled blog post]

I’m sure Cozy will love learning that her dear Dad used her as an out but never mentioned missing her once in three episodes. I’m thinking we can expect Cozy as a contestant in about 15 years.

The conversation turns to the merits of a “dot dot dot” versus a “period” and I have to take a break from writing to run and vomit. Honestly, having to relive this entire experience is upsetting my stomach.

This whole segment runs about five minutes too long. A few too many crying shots (you know how I feel about crying on camera) , too much Bentley side-commentary, too much Bentley trying to seem sincere, too much Bentley period (definitely no “dot dot dot” there).

Does anyone else think it’s absurd for Ashley to be this upset about a guy she’s been on 3 GROUP DATES with? Not even one-on-ones, GROUP DATES. Be real. You were not in love with him. He was not your future husband. You’ve got like 6 more weeks to convince yourself you’re in love with someone else.

My secondary embarrassment was at an all-time high. The final minutes of this exchange almost caused a panic attack of embarrassment. Drew’s nausea levels were so high that he almost had to switch to the NBA Finals game so we could remember what real life was like (because aren’t super-skilled, unnaturally tall humans making exorbitant amounts of money what real life is all about?).

Just when I’m about to quit this season for good, JP swoops in to save the episode.

In another unoriginal twist, they have an at-home date where they just kick it at Ashley’s pad.  They relax by the fireplace while JP acts perfect, says perfect stuff and just generally acts like the hottie hipster he is. This date is progressing nicely when Ashley has to break in with her sad sack whining, saying “How do I know you’re not gonna break up with me?” Um, Ashley you’re on a dating show. You are “breaking up” with people every week. How the hell does he know you’re not going to break up with him? You don’t. Move on.

swoon.

Ashley’s only moment that’s mildly bearable comes when she says “I can’t believe you’re single.” Neither can I Ashley. What’s more, I can’t believe he’s trying to not be single with you.

JP and Ashley throw on their PJs (bow chick wow wow) and hang out fireside. This date has allowed my mind to rest and focus on the dreaminess that is JP.

JP + Fireside + PJ’s – Ashley = Good TV.

End of story.

I think it goes without saying, he gets the rose.

Rose ceremony:

Raining. again. For some reason the rose ceremonies wear me out.  I think this can be attributed to the fact that my attention span is spent after a two-hour show with Bentley hogging the majority of the screen time with his awfulness.

Ashley stares longingly at Bentley in his plaid and thinks about all her misadventures with douchebags in plaid (there’s a reality tv show idea for you TLC).

Chris Harrison scares Ashley into a chat. Chris and his skinny tie reassure Ashley and tell her there are no rules so she can just cut to the chase if she wants. Um, if there are no rules, why do you explain them to the dudes at the beginning of every episode?

CH brings some value by mocking Bentley’s gay-ass dot dot dot line. It seems Chris has hit his face time quota and it’s on the rose ceremony (Thank the lord. I could not take a cocktail party at this point.)

Roses:

Sun God, Ben C. and JP all have roses.

The other 9 roses (sounds like rules to me) go to:

1.  Constantine.

2. West.

3. Mickey
Where have these dudes been the whole episode?

4. Ben F.  in the bow tie.

5. Dentist

6. Water Polo Nick

7. Ames – Okay, what is with that outfit? His shirt is cutting off circulation to his overly tanned head. And he has a wonky eye.

8.  Lucas. Rich smelling dude.

9. William. He get’s the warning rose. It’s the proverbial - don’t blow it again rose.

Then Chris Harrison steps in and says “If you did not get a rose pack your mask and get the hell out of here.”

The normal dude thankfully takes it like a man and leaves with dignity aka no crying. Ashley apologizes for not being her normal robot cheerleader self. Cheers and we’re out.

That was a marathon. A marathon of embarrassment. I don’t think I can deal with another episode like this anytime soon. What did you all think of the Bentley fiasco? More importantly, how mad are you that JP didn’t get more screen time?

Until next week… stay tuned!

ps. I cannot even deal with the end of show footage of Jeff pooping (in his mask) while Bentley fixes his hair. Just call them the Bachelor Odd Couple. Why didn’t we know these guys were so close until they were both gone?

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the end of days.

Some of you may have read the title of this post and wondered aloud, “Are they canceling ‘Days of Our Lives?’” Fear not my soap loving friends, Days is still on the air (for now… they are canceling those shows left and right these days).

I am actually talking about the actual end of days. Before you get the hell (no pun intended) off this site, hold on. I’m not getting all philosophical and waxing poetic on the end of the world. BUT I am sharing a pretty ridiculous link to a website with an end of days money-making scheme.

DISCLAIMER: This post is intended to be humorous. I am not trying to make light of anyone’s deeply held beliefs. If you are easily offended (which if you are, you should probably never visit this blog), stop reading now. 

Today a random mass email circulated around our office and the conversation took an end of the world turn (which is odd, because that happens with some regularity. I’m not suggesting anything, I’m just saying). We are working on a proposal for a pet-themed company and while doing research, one of my colleagues stumbled upon this site  http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

Here is a little snippet from their home page:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved.  But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?   Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind. 

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward.  Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

Ruh-roh.
At first I thought this couldn’t be for real. Do people really do this? I’m guessing yes since they’ve raised their rates in light of the predictions of the upcoming rapture on May 21, 2011 (p.s. – that means we only have 4 days). I also noticed that you can pay for your pet’s care with Paypal. Looks like this guy might be on his own if the rapture is imminent.

The Bud Man

No, but really, these people are for reals. There’s even a FAQ for all of you doubters (aka me). I’ve added my expert (I just wanted to say that, mostly because I’m not an expert at anything) opinion.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A:  No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs. 

Wait, really? This isn’t a joke. I’m confused. 

Q: Do YOU believe in the Rapture.
A: As atheists we do not hold beliefs in the supernatural or a divine being.  Thus, we do not believe in the Rapture.  However, we respect the beliefs of others and are open to the possibility that our perspective could possibly be wrong.  

But if you don’t believe in the Rapture, why are you building an entire business off of it? Also, is this just an elaborate scheme where I give you permission to loot my home? AND what if I think i’m saved and i’m not. Also, aren’t you worried about what will happen to you if you’re not saved. WOAH, this is getting deep. Next question. 


Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do.  Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

Good to know.I’m glad that blasphemous people will be taking care of my pet. 


Q: Can I be sure my name and information won’t be misused or circulated?
A: We hold all information in complete confidence.  Your name, street address, and email info are held only in the EE-BP data base.  They are not provided to the respective rescue representative unless and until the Rapture actually occurs.   Only the state, town , species, breed, sex  and number of pets are known in advance to the rescue representatives for advanced logistical planning purposes.   

Um… this seems a little fishy. Do you have a key to my house? Am I paying you to rob me?

Q: How can we trust that you’ll honor your service agreement, afterall, you ARE atheists.
A: Being an atheist does not mean we lack morals or ethics. It just means we don’t believe in God or gods. All of our representatives are normal folks who love and live for their family, are gainfully employed, and have friends of varying beliefs.  Some of us are married to believers. Many of us volunteer our time at food banks, animal shelters, meals on wheels organizations, etc.   We fully endorse the “Rule of Reciprocity”, also known as “The Golden Rule.” We just happen not to believe in God(s).  Belief in God does not ensure righteousness, nor does non-belief imply immorality. Jesus understood this. Please reference Luke 10, re “The Good Samaritan.”

Well if Jesus says so, then I guess it’s okay. I’ll be watching you though.

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance.  Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service.  Pets’ lives are at stake.  We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times.  Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.  

I’m no Biblical scholar but in the good book the Rapture seems like kind of a big deal. What makes you all think you will just be able to hop on a plane afterwards. Have you all thought this whole thing out?

Q: What if one of my family members are left behind. Will you still take posession [SIC] of my pet?
A: That depends. When the rescuer arrives, if your loved one wants to retain possession of the pet, the pet stays in the home.   We expect in these circumstances that the pet will offer the family member some comfort and stability given the trauma of what has occurred.  If the family member prefers, we will adopt the pet per our contract.    

That could be an awkward encounter. (Also, you all may want to run a spell check on your site.) 

All in all, this site pretty much gives me the willies. Also, I’m not sure that building a business out of the end of days is such a good idea but who am I to judge.

Until then (aka the end of days)… stay tuned.

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west lee’s bachelorette bio – embarrassing, awkward & creepy all at once.

To keep up on my countdown (11 days!) to the premier of  The Bachelorette, I thought we should take a more in-depth look at the West Lee mystery. Thanks to the fine folks at ABC, we’re able to find out a little bit more about Mr. Lee from the random assortment of questions they posed and then posted. Here’s hoping these answers weren’t what got him on the show.

Courtesy of ABC.com 

West Lee (abc.com)

West

Age: 30

Occupation: Lawyer

Hometown: Walhalla, SC

Who do you admire the most in the world and why? My step-dad, Pat. He’s patient, funny, smart, successful, but still grounded. He’s very wise, great listener, and gives great advice. He’s someone to aspire to be like.

What is the most outrageous thing you have ever done? Ha, probably trying to get on The Bachelorette, but starred in a movie once, went bungee jumping, lived in Spain for six months, wandered around Europe for a month, maybe not outrageous, but amazing.

If you could be someone else for just one day, who would it be and why? LeBron James, he gets to play basketball for a living. Plus he’s a freak-of-nature athletic and super rich.

If you were stranded on a desert island, what three things would you bring with you and why? A boat? Why does no one ever say boat or a radio transmitter? Okay, I’d bring a lifetime supply of pizza, Mila Kunis, and a volleyball. Mila and I could play volleyball and if something ever happened to her I could name the volleyball Wilson and talk to it.

Would you say you’re a little bit country or more of a city person? Ay my innermost, I’ll always be the kids from the country who went around barefoot and never washed his hands before eating, but these days I fit better in a more metropolitan setting.

Tattoo Count: 0

Some items of note from this hard-hitting bio: 

  • He’s a lawyer. So we know he knows all the legal ramifications of his little murder mystery mix-up. I am guessing this has helped him with that whole situation, although whether or not that is a good thing probably depends on who you ask.
  • What is the Most Outrageous Thing You’ve Ever Done? Well this answer could get awkward and uncomfortable. I’m guessing the answer to this is a semi-lie. Also, good thing he has already bungie jumped. I feel like that could be a date on this season and at least we know he won’t break down and cry like a little baby.
  • He wants to be Lebron James for a day. Wow how thoughtful and interesting of you to pick Lebron. Was it because of his determination to be the greatest, his strong focus on goals or the great work he does for children. Nope, basically because he’s ‘super rich.’ I’ll give him credit for his honesty here but otherwise it’s just another example of the fine Americans they find to compete for fame  love on national television.
  • He’s just a country boy at heart. Forget big-city living and being a fancy lawyer, at his ‘innermost’ West is just a country bumpkin (I can say that because I live in Kentucky. It’s like how you’re allowed to make fun of your parents but no one else is) who wants to run barefoot through the grass. But yuck, c’mon West – at your innermost you’re a dude who doesn’t wash his hands before eating? That’s a little unsanitary and mildly gross.
  • Pizza, Mila Kunis and a volleyball. Does anyone find it a little creepy that he mentions that something could happen to Mila Kunis? I’m just saying. Stay away Mila (and Ashley for that matter). Stay far far away.
  • No Tattoos. Good to know. I’ll make sure to ignore you while playing a drinking game based on drinking whenever an arm band tattoo appears on-screen.
Less than two weeks til the premier friends. Get excited for SE overload.
Until then… stay tuned.

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Worst Song Ever?

If you are on twitter or have seen one of the “trending” lists in the corner of your search engine, you’ve probably seen the name “Rebecca Black.” Who is this enigma, Rebecca Black, that people are blasting and mocking endlessly on twitter and the celebrity gossip sites I frequent?

After doing a little reading over the weekend about some horrible song, I finally gave it a listen today. Let me say, my SE went through the roof. This song is pretty awful. But more importantly, I have that sad feeling I get when I watch a Division 2 basketball team get blown out by 40 points. The feeling where you just want it to stop.

That feeling subsided when I saw that her video has over 38 million views and she’ll probably make a boat load of cash from this ridiculously awful, Party In the USA wannabe. Here’s the video. I am guessing most of you will not make it through the whole thing because it really is that bad. But give it your best shot.

Where do I start? Don’t you just love how she breaks down every detail of her pre-school ritual? Thank god for that “Bus Stop” sign or she would never know where to stand to catch her ride to school. I don’t know how I managed to track down the bus every day in middle school without one of those signs. Luckily, her awesome friends stop by in their convertible and save her from bus ride on a nasty, bully-infested bus.

After Rebecca figures out which seat she should take (a very, very important question any 15-year-old girl asks herself before getting a ride. i mean, you don’t want to sit next to some gross smelly boy, you want to close to the cute one or the coolest girl in the car, duh), she breaks into the chorus.

I think this is where my ears began bleeding. The way auto-tune makes her say FRYYYEEE-Day is enough to make you bash your head against your computer. I am guessing this is where many of you escaped this awfulness. But for the sake of this blog (and you my faithful readers) I continued.

Later on in the song, Rebecca breaks down the days of the week for us (Wait, Sunday comes after Saturday? And Thursday is the day before Friday? This is some mind blowing s**t). She also lets us know that “We We We So Excited” because her and all her peeps are going to “Have a Ball.” Get down Rebecca. Get down.

I will say I agree with Rebecca on one point, the very valid – “We don’t want this weekend to end.” I say that every Sunday (the day after Saturday, in case you forgot). So before it does, “we gotta get down on Friday.”

Thanks to Rebecca (mostly thanks to the money-grubbing producers who created this) pre-teens and adults alike will now know the days of the week. We’ll also make sure to consider which seat we will take whenever we’re offered a ride.

It’s no “Party in the USA” but I agree Partying is fun and I am looking forward to the weekend now.

Final Note: E! Online has debated whether this video is for real or just a big spoof. You can read about it here.

ATTENTION GLEE FANS: Not sure if this is good or bad (could go either way), but GLEE is considering doing this little ditty in one of their final six episodes. That and more spoilers here.

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“No need to clap. He already has it.” The Situation BOMBS Roasting Donald Trump

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Since I’m more Italian than Irish, I thought I would share some Jersey Shore/Situation induced Secondary Embarrassment on this, the greatest of (drinking) holidays.

Not sure if you’ve seen this yet, but consider yourself warned. It is awkward, painfully embarrassing, turn-away, close your eyes, plug your ears, just totally awful. The Situation shows up on Comedy Central (who invited this guy?) to help actual comics roast The Donald.

But rather than giving the Trump-ster a funny, good-natured ribbing, Sitch just makes a fool out of himself. I won’t spoil it. Just watch and see (and experience the SE) for yourself. It’s bad. Really, really bad.

 

Woof. Other than great intro by Seth McFarlane, the whole thing is painful.

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i want to be boca’s friend – The Bachelor re-cap

It’s Tuesday morning, which means it’s time to pick apart every awkward, embarrassing and just plain weird thing that happened on last night’s episode of “The Bachelor.” The departure of resident Queen Crazy Michelle made it a little harder to spot the crazy but there were still all kinds of embarrassing encounters (Thank you Brad Womack). Oh and Chantal’s still on the show so she’s always good for a few uncomfortable “I Love You’s.” But is it bad to say, I missed Michelle a little bit? I was comforted by the fact that I know I’ll get to see her crazy/beautiful self on the next season of “Bachelor Pad.”

This episode got going quick with a hometown visit in Seattle with good ole Chantal O. who decided that for this date, she wanted to give off the sexy-sleuth look by channeling her favorite cartoon character Daphne fro m Scooby-Doo. I love a good scarf as much as the next girl, but wasn’t that thing knotted a little tight around her neck. I just wanted to reach through the TV and loosen it up a little.

So they meet up in a park, blah, blah, blah and then they head over to Chantal’s abode. This is where we get to meet her animal family of Boca and whatever those two cats are named. At this point, I was getting kind of bored. I had nothing for the blog except a scarf comment and then Brad looks dead into camera in his confessional interview and let’s out my favorite line of the season, thus far.

“Hopefully Boca’s a good judge of character because i want to be Boca’s friend.”

I want to be Boca's Friend. (ABC)

Well of course you do Brad. What’s more important than befriended a girl’s cat-dog. (Just as a side note, Boca is just a knock-off version of Jiggy from RHOBH – team Jiggy all the way.) So Chantal gets antsy and is ready to leave her tiny pad to head over to her folks house. She wants to make sure Brad knows how rich her folks are in case his businesses go bad and they need a bail-out.

So I figured Chantal’s parents were rich but DAMN that is a SERIOUS house. And that entryway you could easily walk a giraffe through their front door. Brad, Chantal and her family looked like little ants from the camera angle they were filming at from the second floor. So we get down to the awkward family dinner interactions. I was happy to see that Chantal’s dad looked as uncomfortable as I feel when Chantal said that she loves Brad. Then the Dad and Brad one-on-one goes down and they’re bonding over the self made man statue and loving the fact that they both used to carry bricks. Yawn. I am bored. When do we go to the morgue?
So Dad and Brad are besties while Chantal and her Mom (who looks pretty well preserved and not too odd from some serious plastic surgery) talk about being in love in the most gigantic sitting room ever.

Moral of this hometown date, Chantal is rich and her folks aren’t that bad.

Now it’s off to Maine (who knew?) to visit Ashley H.’s family. What are the chances that two of the final home town dates would be so close to Canada?

I feel like Brad was just introduced to an entirely different girl. Ashley H. is like one of those toddler pageant girls all amped up on pixie-sticks. I am exhausted watching her, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be around this cheerleader on speed version of Ashley.

I mean, there’s clapping and jumping and yelling and lots and lots of sharp arm movements. Just thinking about it is wearing me out.

Between the cheering, Brad and Ashley eat some gravy fries and Brad sounds like an idiot when he says “Si” instead of “Oui.” Then they head out on a little drive in the ole Ford Escape. I am not lying when I say that I got winded from watching that scene of them in front of town’s sign. So much jumping, exaggerated smiling and yelling. It was just too much and they haven’t even gotten to her family yet… I am nervous.

worn out. (ABC.com)

So they walk in to Ashley’s house and her family promptly does their family cheer (okay, i made that up but it doesn’t seem totally out of the realm of possibilities). After brief introductions, the H. family gathers around Brad on the sofa and begs him to read them a story. Okay, I made that up too but honestly, do they only have one couch? There were like 4 people on the couch and then Ashley’s mom is awkwardly sitting on the floor in front of him. You know Ashley’s dad was off on the side like, “What the F is happening her?”

So after some more cheering and story telling, Brad goes off to talk to her dad and this is where I start to notice a pattern. Is Brad dressing like each Dad in an attempt to befriend them? Keep this in the back of your mind, as we will revisit this a little later.

Thankfully nothing else really happens, Ashley’s tatted up sister makes a toast thanking Brad for picking her sister. I’m sure she meant well but it comes out sounding like no dude has ever picked Ashley and they are happy someone’s finally come along for their spinster sister.

Ashley, with the combined energy of a puppy and a 12 year old at a Justin Bieber concert, then wraps Brad in a giant bear hug, does a love cheer and sends him back to a part of the country where Americans don’t speak French everywhere.

And then I realize that s**t’s about to get good because Shawntel is on deck.

The producers on The Bachelor know what’s up. They kick things off with her family’s funeral home commercial. LOVE IT. Then we roll right in to a shot of Shanwtel wandering through the mausoleum spouting off this little gem of a comment, “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl.” Fun fun fun.

Not gonna lie, I got a huge kick when Brad said “It’s beautiful here” and she says “I know, right?” thinking that he’s talking about the funeral home and he quickly corrects her and is like “Hell no, this place is weird as hell. I was talking about Chico.” (Comment may contain dramatization). Clearly Brad is weirded out. Hell, I’m weirded out too. This date will 100% go down as the weirdest, oddest, most unromantic date in Bachelor history and we haven’t even embalmed Brad yet.

The tour starts out to the hole in the wall Brad and Shawntel can spend eternity together if he picks her. Then we move on to the spot where his dead body can be burned if he picks her (if cremation is what he is interested in) and finally, we stop at where his dead body can be embalmed if he picks her (again, that’s a personal choice on his part.) Shawntel looks so excited. “Pick me and we can spend eternity together – yay!” The look on Brad’s face says it all, Shawntel – this creepy date is going to be the end of you.

Shawntel then goes on to wax poetic about her love of embalming. Some people love crafting, some people love photography, others love to run. Shawtel loves to embalm in her free time. YIKES.

I don’t know what possesses Brad to lay down on that embalmig table, but he does and Shawntel asks, “Are you creeped out?” Thankfully Brad answers for all America when he emphaticlly says YES.

Quick side note: How many of her boyfriends have gone to see her “job”? Clearly this is the way to her heart. One session on that prep table and it is true love. Take note men of Chico looking to score (who aren’t afraid of a little morbid foreplay). Finally, we get to leave and thus concludes the most awkward, the weirdest and the most morbid hometown date ever.

Embalming is fun. (ABC)

So we head on over to Shawntel’s house and meet her folks. First thing I notice, her dad has paired a button down with a pull-over sweater (which compliment his mustache nicely). Then I look at Brad. Okay for real. Someone must be tiping him off on what the dads are wearing. Chantal’s dad was in a Miami-style button down shirt, collar open, so was Brad. Ashley’s dad was in plaid flannel, so was Brad. Now Shawntel’s dad is in a sweater and a collared shirt combo and SO IS BRAD. This s**t is weird.

So then comes the family chat. Ruh Roh. Shawntel’s dad is NOT COOL with her moving to Austin. He is laying down the guilt trip and is getting real about her taking over the death business. Brad looks uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfrotable feeling you used to get when you were at a friend’s house and their parents started to yell at them. You don’t know what to do or say so you just stand there frozen. That’s what just happened to Brad.

The Shawntel and daddy-o sit down for a one-on-one and he lays down the heavy guilt trip. Shawntel keeps saying she loves Brad and things happen for a reason and she’s taking a leap of faith (she says that like five times). And Dad is like, nope, nope, nope. You are taking over this business whether you like it or not. I need to retire so I can take this mustache around the world. It looks like her dad is about to embalm her and prop her up in the funeral home so she can run it. But really, shouldn’t Shawntel have addressed this before bringing Brad to dinner. What about the other two kids (who look NOTHING like Shawntel)? Do they not embalm in their spare time?

Thankfully, this date finally ends and we get to move on to the best part – Emily!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – I heart Emily. She is the best and her daughter is so cute (even if her name is Ricky). My heart melts a little bit when mom and daughter are reunited. Then my husband reminds me that I’ve gone soft and before I had a kid I would have probably made fun of her. I smack him and tell him that he’s talking over Emily, which is strictly prohibited in my house.

PRESENTS! (ABC.com)

So then Brad throws in that if this all works out, he could be little Ricky’s step-father. I automatically hate that he calls her Little Ricky. First because I think it sounds like a Latin boy band but second because it was the name of an Adam Sandler movie about the son of the devil. (Also Emily calls her the most country nick name ever – Ricky Tic – I secretly love it.)

Cue the picnic date. Never saw that one coming. Brad and Emily on a picnic date? That’s so out of character for them. But this time they’ve got a little rug rat with them and she is having none of it. Brad then let’s the audience know this is an awkward situation. NUH UH? FOR REAL? This whole show is one giant awkward situation Brad. I’m glad it just took you two seasons to figure that out. Thankfully he brought her a present. Because why not buy a child’s love?

Other than that, I have no hate for this date. Emily’s house is so cute. I adore that she served drinks out of a mason jar and I almost thought their little Candy Land family game night was precious. ALMOST. My only beef is that Brad decides, at this moment, that he is too much of a gentle man to kiss her. Uh, excuse me? I’m pretty sure you’ve rammed your tongue down every 20-something girls on this show’s mouth. NOW you decide that you’re too good of a guy for that. Emily is not buying it and thankfully takes charge of the situation (and tells Brad to man up) and kisses him.

So let’s wrap this up. They head off to NYC where Chris Harrison finally gets some face time. For a minute, I thought they had left him in Costa Rica.

Brad gazes into the framed pictures of the final four and then we make a smoooth transition to the rose ceremony where we are hit smack in the face with Chantal’s hideous get-up. WOOF. What is she wearing? First off, what is that hair? It’s like the combined both Princess Leia buns and glued them to the top of her head. Second, she looks like a satin stuffed sausage and her bra definitely doesn’t fit. Now, I may not be in tip top shape, but you can expect two things if my butt is on national TV. 1. I would be working out like a mad woman. 2. I would make sure that all outfit choices are as flattering as possible (See Ali F. from The Bachelorette for reference).

Other observations – Emily has the WHITEST teeth ever – are they capped? Shawntel is dressed a little morbid. The high collar is giving off a Wednesday Adams vibe.

I mean, is it possible to have teeth that white? (ABC.Com)

As everyone at home figured – it came down to the Chantal/Shawntel’s. I knew it wouldn’t happen but i was hoping that Brad would send desperate Chantal O. home but it came down to a battle of the dad’s. Chantal’s was rich and loved masonry (who knew that would go over so big?) and Shawntel’s loved dead people. Point Chantal.

So Shawntel goes home with her dignity and that booty that compares to the Kardashians and definitely can be used as a table. Minimal crying. I like it.

Let me know what you all thought of this week’s episode. Wasn’t my favorite but I know we are in for some good stuff next week when things get hot and heavy with the introduction of the FANTASY SUITE (definitely thought Michelle would hang around long enough to take advantage of that but I was wrong). Get hype.

Until then… stay tuned!

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