We’ve been through some hard times lately Bachelor(ette) fans. The back-to-back combo of Ashley and Ben had us reeling a little bit but my hopes are high for this season. And it all hangs on the shoulder of the reason we’re all tuning in…my girl Ricky. Ah, but ABC has decided to play hard to get and try to get us to focus on the “star of the show.” ”My name is Emily, I’m 26…” and I have huge boobs, a banging bod and this little human to take care of. Welcome to my quest for love.
A bouquet of balloons float away into space, a visual sign of their dignity floating away as a band of cameramen and douchebags invade their lives. Gah, I forgot how much I love this show.
Ricky & Emily, in their fresh Mommy & Me fits, whip up some pancakes to discuss Mommy’s plans to date 25 guys at once. “I’m thankful for love,” says Ricky. Ricky – I’m thankful for you.
Side note: Emily is hella rich. Her house/ride/wardrobe are all ridiculously nice. But all that nice stuff doesn’t save her from lonely nights spent looking at photo albums in the dark. (p.s. – We all knew that Em, we watched your first turn on ABC.)
But look at the bright side Em, at least you (and more importantly, all of us) don’t have to see Brad. Clearly no one shared that news with Emily though and we have to see her master the art of staring off into space in urban environments. Such a mastered art.
And just like that, Emily is ready to begin her journey for true love because you know, this show is known for its innate ability to find true love for its contestants… Let the douchebaggery begin!
If some camera time for Ricky wasn’t enough to put a smile on your face, Chris Harrison is here ready to turn any frown upside down. Captain Obvious/the most amazingly awesome over-exaggerator of all time gives us some insight on this season, ”Emily’s journey isn’t just about finding her soul mate, It’s a quest to find a father for her little girl.”
The Sneak Peeks:
No season premier would be complete without the little meet and greets with some of the season’s stand-outs. (Haven’t you missed this show? I think Ben may have ruined it a little for us all but it seems like we’re back in action with Emily.)
- Kalan. With a K. If you were worried about the presence of huge douchebags, you know the guys that make you yell “REALLY? REALLY?” out loud at your TV, than fret no more. Kalan is here and ready to lather on some lip balm and talk about how rich he is. (Sigh*wipes forward in relief). He’s from Houston and ready to sport hipster glasses, talk about himself ad nauseam and generally annoy America. Welcome!
- Ryan. Just when you thought a little piece of your soul had died watching this show, Ryan is on the scene. Former pro-football player, works with kids, is from Augusta, GA. AND he has a puppy. Winner! This guy seems like a keeper.
- Didn’t catch this guys name but he sells wood and works on his hard body. Woof. Nuff said.
- Lerone. ABC’s attempt at diversity is looking to start a family, you know one that includes someone other than himself and his purse pup.
- David. Ah David. I thought you’d never show up. This singer/songwriter didn’t want to “toot his own horn” (was the pun intended?) but he’s written a lot of great songs about the hunt for love. Judging by his singing abilities, a performance sounds like a one-way ticket to the limo of doom. Prepare for some serious secondary embarrassment beforehand though. (p.s. – I also don’t want to toot my own horn – pun intended – but I totally predicted this guy yesterday.)
- Charlie. Charlie had a “perfect family, perfect life” until a patio accident left him with some serious injures (chances he raises awareness on deck safety?). No worries though cause he’s back, better than ever, and stretching out every sweater vest this side of the Mississippi. He “may have a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with [his] heart.” Ah, Charlie. Let’s hope your flare for cheesiness is account of your head injury.
- Jef. (Yup, just one ‘F.’) This CEO and modern-day Zach Morris loves jean jackets, poufy hair and providing children with clean drinking water. He’s like the Tom’s of Bottled Water. Not sure about this one.
- Arie. Arie is a smoking hottie with a talent for racing Indy cars and vapid stars into the distance. I predict he makes it to the final three or better.
And we’re back with the new host of our show… Ricky! (A girl can dream can’t she. But really? How awesome would it be if Ricky was the guest host? Just think about it.)
After approving Mommy’s outfit, Ricky runs back to whoever is babysitting during the quest for love but not before letting Em know that she “looks like a princess.” Agreed.
It’s time. The “night we’ve all been waiting for” (Oh Chris Harrison, how i’ve missed your commentary and penchant for hyperbole and exaggeration) is here. (Maybe I judged CH a little early there, I have kinda been waiting for this for a long time. Damn, I hate it when he’s right.)
From the look on Emily’s face though, this is not the moment she’s been counting down to. Our line leader looks downright petrified. No worries, CH is on the scene. Ready for his fireside chat with Emily where they’ll challenge each other to a starring contest (my money’s on Emily) and reminisce on her time with Brad (hence the starring contest).
After getting the back story on her lost love (again… not trying to be insensitive but c’mon doesn’t everyone know about it now), CH lets America know that Emily runs this shizz and got ABC to come to her in Charlotte. That’s how awesome she is (side note: start counting how many times/drinking every time she says awesome here).
It’s Game Time. Em swallows those neeerrrrvious feelings with a little faith and guidance from her spirit guide CH and it’s official, she’s ready to “let the journey begin.”
Limo Numero Uno
- First up it’s Sean whose most notable first impression is an awkward hug and weird walk which he means to be full of swagger but just looks like he has some inner thigh chaffing.
- David. You know David’s from New York (this is our singer/songwriter) when he says, “Who picked Charlotte, was that your call?”I mean, cause really, why would anyone want to do anything outside of NY and LA. Is there even intelligent life in between? Blech. I hate him already.
- Doug. Ah that’s his name. Here’s our Single Dad from Seattle. His overly familiar questioning on Ricky Tick seems a bit invasive to me but hey, maybe she digs that.
- Jackson. Fitness model. Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough, he gets down on one knee and recites love quotes. Boo.
- To close out group #1 comes loud Joe from LA. Can’t decide if his enthusiasm is fake or funny. We’ll leave it open for interpretation… for now.
- Artie. Smoking hot race car driver keeps it simple and sweet. Emily digs it.
- Kyle. Mostly unremarkable other than being a little too complimentary (I know, I know they all are but saying “you’re in awe” is a little too much for me).
- Chris. Is it me or does Chris give off a Tim Tebow vibe? Either way ole dude comes in with God on his side and one words of wisdom from his pops. Emily kinda likes it.
- Aaron. Cute (even in the nerdy hipster glasses – thank god those things were part of the gag… or were they?) but kinda ruins it when he says, ”I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
- Alessandro aka Brazilian guy. If he wasn’t from Brazil, I would for sure think he was a backwater auto mechanic. Not sure how I feel about the Brazil/Minnesota combo on this guy. Where will he take her for hometowns? (Yeah right, this dude ain’t making hometowns). Oh and Emily – they speak Portuguese in Brazil but I’ll forgive you cause you’re just so darn cute.
- And just like that, Jef (with one f) – aka Zack Morris – scoots in on a motorcycle. If this dude tries to freeze the scene, I will oficially (with one f) freak out.
- Lerone. Comes in smooth. I think Emily is into it. We’ll see.
- Stevie (yup, Stevie) coming with a boom box, moon walk and other assorted cliché dance moves. Figures that he’s a “dancer, MC and entertainer.” Add to that his St. Patty’s Day green shirt and you’ve got a double woof on your hands.
- Charlie. Full of charm and dripping in southern manners (yup, that was a “yes ma’am” you heard), this guy has got it in the bag (that is if his jacket doesn’t explode under the pressure of his muscles first).
- Prince Charming. I missed this guy’s name as I covered my eyes and hid from the embarrassment of hearing someone call himself “Prince Charming.” Emily did have the line of the night with this guy though, “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.” Truth.
- Things go from bad to worse when Mrs. Doubtfire emerges from the limo. I mean, why wouldn’t Emily be impressed by a dude dressed like a Grandma? These introductions are way more awkward, horrible and full of secondary embarrassment than I could ever have imagined. Where do they find these people?
- Nate. Plays it cool which is probably why I can’t remember his face. Sorry about that Nate but I applaud your boringness.
- Brent. All I can see are his weird hands, big mole and dorky name tag.
- John aka “Wolf.” Cute guys with a horrible nickname, let’s drop that one, K? Drew chimes in with this food for thought, ” Cocky dork that came into his looks later in life.” and with that he returns to reading golf magazines and having ADD.
- Travis aka The Egg Guy. Yeah, this guy brings a giant egg that he says represents Ricky and Emily. He will protect the egg like he will protect them. Gag. Please please please stop with this madness.
- Michael. Michael has long hair. That is all.
- Jean-Paul. Other than being a little awkward, he seems mildly normal, if not a little nerdy. Definitely will get canned.
- Alejandro. (In my head, all I can hear is Lady Gaga’s voice saying his name). Note to all future contestants: Being a douche bag sounds WAY better in spanish.
- Ryan. This is the dude. He’s cute and sincere enough to pull off the cheesy but sweet sign. Officially (with two f’s) my favorite (maybe a tie with Arie for now).
- And now, for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme Douche Bag (comes with a crown, sash and puppy), coming in on the ABC method of choice (although Emily’s least favorite method of transport): Kalan. Emily hated him before he even got out of the helicopter but once she saw his plastic face, glossed up lips and heinous expensive garb – it was a done deal. Listening to her try to stand his presence and pretend that he’s not the biggest tool she’s ever seen was comical. Obviously, Kalan is this season’s Bentley/Courtney.
- Chris sits Emily down and presents her with bobble heads of themselves. Creepy right? Emily’s enthusiasm has me questioning myself.
- Emily thinks it’s a “lot of fun having guys pull you one way or the other.” Especially since that doesn’t happen to her at the grocery store. Well, I think at the grocery store that would be considered assault. Just saying.
- Jef hopes that Emily isn’t impressed by all the material things and instead is into drinking bottled water, sitting by streams and blow drying each others hair. Shockingly, Emily finds him “super cool.” And says that he makes her “feel like a nerd.” In what universe is that possible?
- The Seattle Single Dad hits a home run with a note from his son Austin (who has way more game than his pops). Well played Austin.
- Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside in an attempt to not seem like the biggest diva in the house. But a couple of minutes in, she’s “stolen” by Shawn. This move is applauded by all the other dudes, especially MC Stevie.
- Arie kills it in his one-on-one with Emily and I’m hoping she is going to give him the first impression rose after confessing about his career in racing. She doesn’t but you can tell she’s into him and we all agree when she says “He’d be hot in a race car.”
- Side note: It’s gotta be like 3 am and she still looks ah-maz-ing. I’d be pissed if she wasn’t the cutest thing ever.
Emily is happy the producers totally didn’t sell her out and found at least a couple of dudes she’d be cool introducing to Ricky-Tick. Let’s see who it could be…
- Chicago Chris.
- Ryan – Duh.
- Kalan. Oh man. Is this a blessing or a curse?
- Arie. Smoking hottie race car driver.
- Charlie. Yup.
- Jef. With one F.
- Alejandro. The Latin Love (from Columbia not Portugal).
- Alessandro. The Latin Lover part deux.
- Michael. Oh no, come on Emily. Hair guy?
- Stevie. What the what? is she on crack with these last few picks?
- Tony. Gah, that guy had been panicking.
- FINAL ROSE. You know how I know, cause CH came out and let us know. What would we do without him?
Man, poor Lerone didn’t even stand a chance this season. I know a lot of people say it but when is ABC gonna embrace a little diversity. Mostly I’m bummed because he seemed pretty legit other than the tiny pup. Also, I’m kinda sad we won’t get a chance to know 20,000 leagues under the sea Jean-Paul.
Oh well, he guys do the walk of shame to the chirping of sweet morning birds as they board a limo of crushed dreams. But enough of that sadness…
“Cheers to finding love in Charlotte.”
From the previews… Looks like Emily does her fair share of open mouth kissing. Also, as expected, lots of hanging with Ricky, crying, man crying, drama, fab locals and CH. What more could a girl ask for. I’ve got my hopes up for this season. I’m thinking the dark days of Ashley and Ben are far behind us!
What did you all think?
Until next time… stay tuned!