Tag Archives: The Bachelorette

DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Brandon and Kasey Kahl Lookalike Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

jeff probst and dan lookalike

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

LA Looks Gel

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

armie hammer and robert lookalike Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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“I believe in love and fabulous shoes” and other words of wisdom from Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 1 (Premiere) Recap

We’ve been through some hard times lately Bachelor(ette) fans. The back-to-back combo of Ashley and Ben had us reeling a little bit but my hopes are high for this season. And it all hangs on the shoulder of the reason we’re all tuning in…my girl Ricky. Ah, but ABC has decided to play hard to get and try to get us to focus on the “star of the show.” “My name is Emily, I’m 26…” and I have huge boobs, a banging bod and this little human to take care of. Welcome to my quest for love.

A bouquet of balloons float away into space, a visual sign of their dignity floating away as a band of cameramen and douchebags invade their lives. Gah, I forgot how much I love this show.

Ricky & Emily, in their fresh Mommy & Me fits, whip up some pancakes to discuss Mommy’s plans to date 25 guys at once. “I’m thankful for love,” says Ricky. Ricky – I’m thankful for you.

Side note: Emily is hella rich. Her house/ride/wardrobe are all ridiculously nice. But all that nice stuff doesn’t save her from lonely nights spent looking at photo albums in the dark. (p.s. – We all knew that Em, we watched your first turn on ABC.)

But look at the bright side Em, at least you (and more importantly, all of us) don’t have to see Brad. Clearly no one shared that news with Emily though and we have to see her master the art of staring off into space in urban environments. Such a mastered art.

And just like that, Emily is ready to begin her journey for true love because you know, this show is known for its innate ability to find true love for its contestants… Let the douchebaggery begin!

If some camera time for Ricky wasn’t enough to put a smile on your face, Chris Harrison is here ready to turn any frown upside down. Captain Obvious/the most amazingly awesome over-exaggerator of all time gives us some insight on this season, “Emily’s journey isn’t just about finding her soul mate, It’s a quest to find a father for her little girl.”

I’m so excited… I’m so… so scared.(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

The Sneak Peeks:

No season premier would be complete without the little meet and greets with some of the season’s stand-outs. (Haven’t you missed this show? I think Ben may have ruined it a little for us all but it seems like we’re back in action with Emily.)

  • Kalan. With a K. If you were worried about the presence of huge douchebags, you know the guys that make you yell “REALLY? REALLY?” out loud at your TV, than fret no more. Kalan is here and ready to lather on some lip balm and talk about how rich he is. (Sigh*wipes forward in relief). He’s from Houston and ready to sport hipster glasses, talk about himself ad nauseam and generally annoy America. Welcome!
  • Ryan. Just when you thought a little piece of your soul had died watching this show, Ryan is on the scene. Former pro-football player, works with kids, is from Augusta, GA. AND he has a puppy. Winner! This guy seems like a keeper.
  • Didn’t catch this guys name but he sells wood and works on his hard body. Woof. Nuff said.
  • Lerone. ABC’s attempt at diversity is looking to start a family, you know one that includes someone other than himself and his purse pup.
  • David. Ah David. I thought you’d never show up. This singer/songwriter didn’t want to “toot his own horn” (was the pun intended?) but he’s written a lot of great songs about the hunt for love. Judging by his singing abilities, a performance sounds like a one-way ticket to the limo of doom. Prepare for some serious secondary embarrassment beforehand though. (p.s. – I also don’t want to toot my own horn – pun intended – but I totally predicted this guy yesterday.)
  • Charlie. Charlie had a “perfect family, perfect life” until a patio accident left him with some serious injures (chances he raises awareness on deck safety?). No worries though cause he’s back, better than ever, and stretching out every sweater vest this side of the Mississippi. He “may have a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with [his] heart.” Ah, Charlie. Let’s hope your flare for cheesiness is account of your head injury.
  • Jef.  (Yup, just one ‘F.’) This CEO and modern-day Zach Morris loves jean jackets, poufy hair and providing children with clean drinking water. He’s like the Tom’s of Bottled Water. Not sure about this one.
  • Arie. Arie is a smoking hottie with a talent for racing Indy cars and vapid stars into the distance. I predict he makes it to the final three or better.

And we’re back with the new host of our show… Ricky! (A girl can dream can’t she. But really? How awesome would it be if Ricky was the guest host? Just think about it.)

After approving Mommy’s outfit, Ricky runs back to whoever is babysitting during the quest for love but not before letting Em know that she “looks like a princess.” Agreed.

It’s time. The “night we’ve all been waiting for” (Oh Chris Harrison, how i’ve missed your commentary and penchant for hyperbole and exaggeration) is here. (Maybe I judged CH a little early there, I have kinda been waiting for this for a long time. Damn, I hate it when he’s right.)

From the look on Emily’s face though, this is not the moment she’s been counting down to. Our line leader looks downright petrified. No worries, CH is on the scene. Ready for his fireside chat with Emily where they’ll challenge each other to a starring contest (my money’s on Emily) and reminisce on her time with Brad (hence the starring contest).

After getting the back story on her lost love (again… not trying to be insensitive but c’mon doesn’t everyone know about it now), CH lets America know that Emily runs this shizz and got ABC to come to her in Charlotte. That’s how awesome she is (side note: start counting how many times/drinking every time she says awesome here).

It’s Game Time. Em swallows those neeerrrrvious feelings with a little faith and guidance from her spirit guide CH and it’s official, she’s ready to “let the journey begin.”

Limo Numero Uno 

  • First up it’s Sean whose most notable first impression is an awkward hug and weird walk which he means to be full of swagger but just looks like he has some inner thigh chaffing.
  • David. You know David’s from New York (this is our singer/songwriter) when he says, “Who picked Charlotte, was that your call?”I mean, cause really, why would anyone want to do anything outside of NY and LA. Is there even intelligent life in between? Blech. I hate him already.
  • Doug. Ah that’s his name. Here’s our Single Dad from Seattle. His overly familiar questioning on Ricky Tick seems a bit invasive to me but hey, maybe she digs that.
  • Jackson.  Fitness model. Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough, he gets down on one knee and recites love quotes. Boo.
  • To close out group #1 comes loud Joe from LA. Can’t decide if his enthusiasm is fake or funny. We’ll leave it open for interpretation… for now.
In Summary: Meh. Less than impressed with this first group. This is EMILY for God’s Sake. Let’s get some better talent on here.

No I do not want to see your abs right now! (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Limo Part Deux 
  • Artie. Smoking hot race car driver keeps it simple and sweet. Emily digs it.
  • Kyle. Mostly unremarkable other than being a little too complimentary (I know, I know they all are but saying “you’re in awe” is a little too much for me).
  • Chris. Is it me or does Chris give off a Tim Tebow vibe? Either way ole dude comes in with God on his side and one words of wisdom from his pops. Emily kinda likes it.
  • Aaron. Cute (even in the nerdy hipster glasses – thank god those things were part of the gag… or were they?) but kinda ruins it when he says,  “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
  • Alessandro aka Brazilian guy. If he wasn’t from Brazil, I would for sure think he was a backwater auto mechanic. Not sure how I feel about the Brazil/Minnesota combo on this guy. Where will he take her for hometowns? (Yeah right, this dude ain’t making hometowns). Oh and Emily – they speak Portuguese in Brazil but I’ll forgive you cause you’re just so darn cute.
In Summary: MUCH BETTER. There is some potential in this group and no outstandingly awful douche bags. My hopes are up (although I’m sure they will be crushed by the passengers in the next limo).
Limo III 
  • And just like that, Jef (with one f) – aka Zack Morris – scoots in on a motorcycle. If this dude tries to freeze the scene, I will oficially (with one f) freak out.
  • Lerone. Comes in smooth. I think Emily is into it. We’ll see.
  • Stevie (yup, Stevie) coming with a boom box, moon walk and other assorted cliché dance moves. Figures that he’s a “dancer, MC and entertainer.” Add to that his St. Patty’s Day green shirt and you’ve got a double woof on your hands.
  • Charlie. Full of charm and dripping in southern manners (yup, that was a “yes ma’am” you heard), this guy has got it in the bag (that is if his jacket doesn’t explode under the pressure of his muscles first).
  • Prince Charming. I missed this guy’s name as I covered my eyes and hid from the embarrassment of hearing someone call himself “Prince Charming.” Emily did have the line of the night with this guy though, “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.” Truth.

You seriously want me to wear a shoe you bought at Wet Seal? Uh, No. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

P.S. – If you’re drinking while watching, you should definitely be drinking every time one of the guys says Emily “looks amazing.” If you’ve already started, you’re more than likely not to remember anything after this point in the episode.
In Summary: Don’t any of these guys have friends back home? You know, the friends that ride you out mercilessly when you trip going up the stairs? The kind of friends that wouldn’t let you live down that “Prince Charming” or “MC Stevie” routine?  The friends that should text you and say “Dude, you looked like a total tool on national TV last night.” Just wondering. Please continue.
Four Loko Limo 
  • Things go from bad to worse when Mrs. Doubtfire emerges from the limo. I mean, why wouldn’t Emily be impressed by a dude dressed like a Grandma? These introductions are way more awkward, horrible and full of secondary embarrassment than I could ever have imagined. Where do they find these people?
  • Nate. Plays it cool which is probably why I can’t remember his face. Sorry about that Nate but I applaud your boringness.
  • Brent. All I can see are his weird hands, big mole and dorky name tag.
  • John aka “Wolf.” Cute guys with a horrible nickname, let’s drop that one, K? Drew chimes in with this food for thought, ” Cocky dork that came into his looks later in life.” and with that he returns to reading golf magazines and having ADD.
  • Travis aka The Egg Guy. Yeah, this guy brings a giant egg that he says represents Ricky and Emily. He will protect the egg like he will protect them. Gag. Please please please stop with this madness.
In Summary: Emily must have already eliminated at least 10 of these guys based on their horrible, horrible, devastatingly embarrassing entrances. She’s also got to be a little pissed at ABC for sending some of these jokesters.

Bless your heart and that cone head. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Cinco de Limo
  • Michael. Michael has long hair. That is all.
  •  Jean-Paul. Other than being a little awkward, he seems mildly normal, if not a little nerdy. Definitely will get canned.
  • Alejandro. (In my head, all I can hear is Lady Gaga’s voice saying his name). Note to all future contestants: Being a douche bag sounds WAY better in spanish.
  • Ryan. This is the dude. He’s cute and sincere enough to pull off the cheesy but sweet sign. Officially (with two f’s) my favorite (maybe a tie with Arie for now).
  • And now, for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme Douche Bag (comes with a crown, sash and puppy), coming in on the ABC method of choice (although Emily’s least favorite method of transport): Kalan. Emily hated him before he even got out of the helicopter but once she saw his plastic face, glossed up lips and heinous expensive garb – it was a done deal. Listening to her try to stand his presence and pretend that he’s not the biggest tool she’s ever seen was comical. Obviously, Kalan is this season’s Bentley/Courtney.
In Summary: Oh Lord. Thank the big guy upstairs (in the control room) for throwing Ryan in the mix. If not, this group would be a lost cause.
Party Time!
Helicopter Dude (that is his new name, given to him by the dudes not me – for the record) walks in and gets a serious stare down from every dude there. And like any true self-centered douche, he breaks the ice with an insult, “I saw you all from above.” Kill him… NOW!
With a quick pat on the back, CH sets Emily loose in the lion’s den… and so it begins with a champagne toast, obvi. (No really, there were dudes sipping on champagne.)

Wait, your name really only has one F?(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Highlights:

  • Chris sits Emily down and presents her with bobble heads of themselves. Creepy right? Emily’s enthusiasm has me questioning myself.
  • Emily thinks it’s a “lot of fun having guys pull you one way or the other.” Especially since that doesn’t happen to her at the grocery store. Well, I think at the grocery store that would be considered assault. Just saying.
  • Jef hopes that Emily isn’t impressed by all the material things and instead is into drinking bottled water, sitting by streams and blow drying each others hair. Shockingly, Emily finds him “super cool.” And says that he makes her “feel like a nerd.” In what universe is that possible?
  • The Seattle Single Dad hits a home run with a note from his son Austin (who has way more game than his pops). Well played Austin.

How is this not creepy?ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

CH drops in the first impression rose and the guys start clamoring for affection obviously realizing that their lame introduction embarrassments aren’t enough to secure them a spot on Emily’s quest for love.
  • Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside in an attempt to not seem like the biggest diva in the house. But a couple of minutes in, she’s “stolen” by Shawn. This move is applauded by all the other dudes, especially MC Stevie.
  • Arie kills it in his one-on-one with Emily and I’m hoping she is going to give him the first impression rose after confessing about his career in racing. She doesn’t but you can tell she’s into him and we all agree when she says “He’d be hot in a race car.”
  • Side note: It’s gotta be like 3 am and she still looks ah-maz-ing. I’d be pissed if she wasn’t the cutest thing ever.
First impression rose goes to Austin’s Dad. p.s. – If you’ve been drinking every time she says “awesome” you’re drunker than a bachelor contestant at the first night cocktail party.

How did I get here? (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Rose Time!

Emily is happy the producers totally didn’t sell her out and found at least a couple of dudes she’d be cool introducing to Ricky-Tick. Let’s see who it could be…

  • Chicago Chris.
  • Ryan – Duh.
  • Kalan. Oh man. Is this a blessing or a curse?
  • Arie. Smoking hottie race car driver.
  • Charlie. Yup.
  • Jef. With one F.
  • Nate.
  • Shawn.
  • Joe.
  • Kyle.
  • Aaron.
  • Alejandro. The Latin Love (from Columbia not Portugal).
  • John.
  • Alessandro. The Latin Lover part deux.
  • Michael. Oh no, come on Emily. Hair guy?
  • Stevie. What the what? is she on crack with these last few picks?
  • Tony. Gah, that guy had been panicking.
  • FINAL ROSE. You know how I know, cause CH came out and let us know. What would we do without him?
  • Travis.

Man, poor Lerone didn’t even stand a chance this season. I know a lot of people say it but when is ABC gonna embrace a little diversity. Mostly I’m bummed because he seemed pretty legit other than the tiny pup. Also, I’m kinda sad we won’t get a chance to know 20,000 leagues under the sea Jean-Paul.

Oh well, he guys do the walk of shame to the chirping of sweet morning birds as they board a limo of crushed dreams. But enough of that sadness…

“Cheers to finding love in Charlotte.”

From the previews… Looks like Emily does her fair share of open mouth kissing. Also, as expected, lots of hanging with Ricky, crying, man crying, drama, fab locals and CH. What more could a girl ask for. I’ve got my hopes up for this season. I’m thinking the dark days of Ashley and Ben are far behind us!

What did you all think?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Is Ben the next Bachelor? Is Ames a sailor? Bachelor(ette) News!

Hey friends – hope you all had a fun weekend. Here in my neck of the woods we had some serious storms roll through, cutting power, downing trees and mostly making people learn what life is like without a TV. My power went out just as I was catching up on Project Runway.

Alright, enough about little ole me and on to the people we all really love to gossip about. I know you all have been racking your brains for weeks (or just one, or probably none) wondering who will be the next Bachelor. Well, the good folks at Us Weekly say it’s gonna be Ben. But if you ask me, I think it needs to be this guy:

 

Ahoy Ames!

Over the weekend, a good pal (who is also designing an awesome new site for me) sent me this gem. Turns out Lauren was at a party discussing the pros and cons (mostly cons) of this season’s Bachelorette when a friend mentioned that Ames reminded her of a 40’s era Navy man. Now, I do think it is highly unlikely that our boy Ames would serve in the armed forces in this day and age (doesn’t quite seem up to the challenge) BUT back when boys became men when they were drafted, Ames would have definitely been a Navy man.

Now you allow know how much I love a good lookalike and what’s even better is when there is photoshopping to make said lookalike even better. Behold the power of Adobe. Thanks to Lauren (seriously, check out her web designs. they are ah-ma-zing) for the awesome image.

If you want to read more about the possibility of Ben as the next Bachelor, here’s the full story from Us.
 I’ll be back tomorrow with the Bachelor Pad recap.
Until then… stay tuned!

 

 

EXCLUSIVE: Is Ben Flajnik the Next Bachelor?

Is Ben Flajnik the Next Bachelor?Credit: ABC

Friday – August 12, 2011 – 11:32am

Bachelorette Ashley Hebert didn’t give Ben Flajnik her final rose, but the hunky Sonoma winemaker might have a second shot at finding love on reality TV!

Show insiders tell the new Us Weekly, out now, that Flajnik, 28, is the front-runner to be ABC’s next Bachelor. Also being considered? Hebert’s other rejected suitorsAmes Brown, a 31-year-old portfolio manager, and Ryan Park, a 31-year-old solar energy executive.

VIDEO: Look back at Ashley and Ben’s final Fiji date

“Everyone wants [Ben] to find the woman of his dreams,” an insider told Us. Hebert, 27, was the first woman Flajnik really opened up to since the death of his father in 2006. “He loved Ashley,” says a source.

Even host Chris Harrison is eager for Flajnik to find Mrs. Right. “Our fans would love to see him as the Bachelor,” he said. “He’d be great.”

VIDEO: Bless his heart! Watch Ben’s failed proposal to Ashley

In a recent Us Poll, 53 percent of voters wanted Flajnik to be the next Bachelor, while 27 percent voted for Brown and 20 percent for Park.

Hebert — who rejected Flajnik, Brown and Park in favor of J.P. Rosenbaum — thinks any one of the three guys would make a great Bachelor. “Ben would be really good — but so would Ryan and Ames,” she told Us. Rosenbaum agreed: “We’d watch any of those guys!”

VIDEO: Sorry Ben! Revisit Ashley and J.P.’s cutest moments

One gal who might not want Flajnik to score the reality gig? Jennifer Love Hewitt, who went on a date with the reality star on August 6 in San Francisco. “It seemed like a first date, but he wasn’t overly affectionate,” an eyewitness told Us, adding that the Can’t Hardly Wait actress was “loving the attention.”

For more on Ben Flajnik’s chances at becoming the next Bachelor, check out the new Us Weekly — on stands now!

 

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And so it ends…. The Bachelorette Season 7 Finale

Last night was the conclusion of a long season of The Bachelorette. There were highs and mostly lows, there was crying, laughing, hating and lots and lots of kissing. But in the end, it came down to two guys and a gal and their quest for love. So let’s recap it shall we.

We start by learning that for the first time this season (and possibly her entire life) Ashley is “soooo confident” in her feelings for these two guys and she knows 100% for a fact that she will be getting engaged in the South Pacific. As much as I want to tell her to not get her hopes up, I know it’s true so I let it slide.

Just like all the other perfect for love places they’ve gone on this trip, Fiji is no different. Ash says it is “the perfect place to end my love story.” Wait, so that’s what we’ve been watching? A Love Story? Had me fooled girl. I thought we were watching you insecurely stumble on your way to finding a husband. Details.

Just to remind us, Ashley gives us a feelings recap:

Ben: Unique (uh-oh, he just got the Ames unique curse) funny and she feels comfortable with him. Sounds like the friend zone to me.

JP: Passion.

Hanging with the Heberts.

Ashley says this is the “most intense decision I’ve had to make in my life” (oh the hyperbole) but we all know we could have called it a wrap there and just gone straight to the proposal but instead we are off to hang out with the familia. I suggest you take a deep breath and prepare for the evil monster that is Ashley’s sister, Chrystie.

Quick intro. Ashley’s family consist of her precious step-dad Mike, her cute as a button mom Lori, her mellow (knock-off version of Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries) brother Elliott and her evil, awful, mean, bossy and general nasty sister Chrystie.

Family Date Numero Uno: JP

For her first family date, Ashley does one of her standard fits – booty shorts, a too-big blouse-y top (that make cause an accidental nip slip. whoopsie!) and stripper shoes. JP, who is usually saved for last (since he’s the best), goes first this time.

Chrystie, who decided to forego the beachwear and sandals rather opting for a back romper and nude pumps (really girl, you’re in Fiji?) decides that it’s time for her to step into the network reality tv spotlight. No more languishing on cable cutting coupons (Chrystie has been featured on TLC’s Extreme Couponing in case you didn’t know), she’s ready for her close-up (ugh, I’m not though).

Sorry I'm not Sorry.

While the family share a nice, causal meal Chrystie ups the ante and starts playing 20 Questions: Rude Bitch edition. The key to finding out if Ashley and JP are a fit is one important question: Does he make you laugh? Ashley doesn’t give a resounding yes and JP is toast in Chrystie’s book.

When they break for girl talk, Sister Sledge drops the bomb, ” I don’t think he’s right for you.” “You’re too MUCH for him.” and the final blast  “He’s too old for you.”

Brad was like 42, JP is 34. And how is she too much for him?  I mean she is a giant ball of energy but I’m pretty sure he can keep up, he’s not 90 after all.

Chrystie continues by bashing JP, Ashley and everything else. Basically, she acts like a Grade A Bitch and is about as supportive as a delinquent dad. (didn’t they have one of those?). I thought Ames’ sister tried to steal the show but she had nothing on this fake Amy Winehouse (too soon?) with fake Chanel earrings. The berating doesn’t end despite Ashley’s painfully embarrassing chest sobs and hiccup cries (Just writing about those gives me the SE goosebumps).

No wonder this poor girl is so insecure. She has about the meanest, most abusive big sister I’ve ever seen. She puts the mean girls on “Say Yes to the Dress” to shame.

All her talk of looking out for Ashley and logistics and saving Ashley from her self make me want to throw her into the ocean. Thankfully, we cut to step-dad Mike who is about the nicest looking man I’ve ever seen. At least Ashley has one supportive person in her family.

This brief reprieve is interrupted when we cut to Chrystie’s beat down of JP. This s**t was BRUTAL. I have never felt more uncomfortable watching two people on television in my life. I wanted JP to reach across and slap her and then tell her to “be nice.”

Chrystie aka Chris Hansen does her best investigating into how JP, a man who is so old and tired (yet smoking hot), hasn’t already settled down. S**t is spiraling out of control and gets even worse when she tells JP that Ashley and Brad seemed to have a much better connection. Yowza.  While watching from the comfort of my couch, I yell all sorts of mean obscenities at the screen and encourage her strongly to take her [expletive] coupons and stuff them where the sun don’t shine.

Now we all know why Ashley is desperately seeking unattainable approval. Good luck with this one JP.

Sister, Sister

I’m kind of sick of talking about the resident mean girl. But it’s worth mentioning that Ashley and her big sis sit down for a one on one to further discuss how much she hates JP.

I'm not babying you. I'm just telling you what TO do.

All we learn here is that Chrystie cannot stop talking for one single second while the camera is recording, that she has no idea how to dress for a tropical vacation and that she is even meaner than we originally thought. She also tries to prove what a rational thinker she is but I’m not convinced since she does have about 34345 tattoos and extreme coupons.

Ashley calls her a BITCH and we are through here.

Family Date Numero Dos: Ben

These crazy kid hug and make some funny noises before heading in to meet the rents. The family Hebert seems to love Ben from the get go. It’s all funny dog voices and long hair and giggling which apparently is what Ashley is all about. This pacified Chrystie who hides her evil apple for the next time she sees JP.

Despite their shared love of baby/dog voices, Chrystie still breaks out the game of questions for dinner. I honestly wish her Mom would smack her and tell her “I taught you better manners than this.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen so we have to hear Sad Sally talk about losing the passion. Since she’s been divorced, she finds it nearly impossible that two people could actually continuing enjoying each other’s company after the fun wears off (which in her defense, is what usually happens on this show).

She is getting so much camera time that I think Chrystie is auditioning for a the new ABC Bachelor spin-off – Extreme Bachloretting. This time it’s serious.

All in all, the editing is super pro-Ben which just shows that Ashley will defy her sister and pick JP.

Moving on.

Quickie Date # 1:  The Man in the Yellow Hat Visits the Mud Baths 

Can I Borrow This?

What the what is up with Ben’s outfit. The hat. The black and neon shorts? The overly bright top. Come on. Did he pack for the trip from his bedroom at his parent’s house?

Once again, Ben’s monotone voice hides his inner excitement and happiness. He keeps saying it, so it must be true but the lack of inflection is really confusing.

I am even further confused when he seems legitimately excited to ride in a helicopter (he must also have been wondering where they’ve been all season). As they fly across the South Pacific, I secretly wish Ames was providing expert commentary in the corner. But he’s not and he arrive at some mud bath that Ashley roughly describes as having healing powers or something.

This is the producers last-ditch attempt for Ashley to move beyond the friend zone with Ben. “Let’s have her rub mud all over his body, that might work!” It doesn’t. Ashley spends more time rubbing mud on her nips than on Ben. Ashley doesn’t get frisky and will not slip the dude any tongue but Ben is still hopeful. He tells us that he is excited for the next part of the date or what he calls the “Cream Dream.” 

 

Ashley comes over to his bungalow sporting her best denim shorts and her favorite Forever 21 top. The outfit screams “Take Me Off!” but  before that can happen, Ashley and Ben drink a little water champagne to hydrate. the mood is set for Ben to make his move and drop the L bomb on Ash. He does and the friend zone is confirmed. The whole thing gives me terrible SE. The actual l-word, Ashley’s “thank you” eyes and her closed mouth kiss to seal the deal.

I won't be single for much longer.

Ben is still confused though which only makes it worse. “Her walls are down. My walls are down.” Our pants are down.
He then adds, “she is telling me the only way she can that she loves me.” with sexual favors. We end with Ben bragging, “I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” Well, get it while you can pal. Soon she’ll be off the market forever.

Quickie Date #2: JP 

JP and Ashley don’t need to go on elaborate dates to show their love. A simple bench and a push-up bikini top will do the trick. They use this time to talk about Dita Von Bitch and her judging.
Ashley tells him it doesn’t matter what that troll thinks and finally coaxed JP to spill the beans – that he is madly in love with her. I think she is going to tell him back but then she gives him a kiss on the cheek. BOOOO. The hottest dude on the show just told you (for some inexplicable reason) that he loves you and return the love by kissing him on the CHEEK?

Do you still like me?

After canoodling for a little, they go back to do the dirty bird in the cabin. JP seriously TRUMPS Ben when he gives Ashley a scrap-book with a picture of them and a letter describing their “journey.” She eats it up and it’s ON! I will say that the letter was pretty sweet. Super cheesy but sweet. All the ladies out there know that they wouldn’t turn down a letter like that from a guy like JP.

They get it on so Ashley can reassure JP that he is the one. Cause isn’t that what all girls do to show someone they really like them?

E Day.

We find Ashley telling her journal all the juicy details of her last nights as a single gal – without makeup. Quick! Get that girl some Vaseline.

Ashley’s journey for love is recapped through a montage as she walks around the resort, looking for answers in the trees. I wish we could catch another vacationer, some old lady in tevas, ask Ashley what they’re filming but alas, that doesn’t happen.

Meanwhile, the dudes meet up with Neil Lane who helps them pick out ring. Clearly, he’s on team JP since he let’s Ben select a fugly ring. JP’s on the other hand is simple and beautiful. Just like him.

The guys suit up and Ashley shimmies into her $17,000 dress (yup, for reals. It cost that much. It’s made of peacock feathers or something.

Let’s cut to the chase.

Ben arrives and from the minute he steps off the water plane, you know it’s going to be bad. I start attempting to dig a hole in my couch to bury myself in but it’s too late. He’s there and before Ashley can say anything, he’s confessing his love.

Ben’s sweaty confidence inspires him to pour his heart out to Ashley as I cover my eyes and pray for it all to end. I’m screaming out “don’t do it. don’t do it” when he does it. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Oh it’s so awful and sad and embarrassing when she just takes his hand and makes him stand up.

No, No, No, NOOOOOOOO (ABC)

That moment when he realizes she’s saying no is the worst thing ever. I get a cramp in my shoulders I feel so awkward and awful and horrible. I just want it to end.

And then it does.

Ben get’s (rightfully) pissed and cuts. Ashley tries to make him feel better but he doesn’t want any of her fake reassurance (way to tell it like it is Ben). He finally shows the emotion we’ve been waiting for when he says “JP’s a really nice guy and I’m sure you all will have a really nice life together.” Burn. Then he heads off BUT not before making one last appearance by boat. How weird was that? Ashley is just standing on shore and Ben floats on by. AwkWard. Wait where are they taking Ben? Are they just going to abandon him at sea?

End Scene.

Take a deep breath cause that is over. Now it’s on to the true love portion of our broadcast.

Ashley channels her inner little girl and waves at JP’s plane as it approaches. JP lands and the music starts (for a second I thought they were going to play Mariah Carey’s Dreamlover and I got HYPE!). It’s from True Love’s Greatest Hits and we know we’re in for some romance.

My Grinch heart swells a little when he proposes. I guess I have gotten a little soft but I catch myself cheesing hard as he asks her to marry him. Ashley does her most emphatic YESSSSAAA! And it’s a done deal.

Open Mouth Kisses = True Love. (ABC)

All my gushing comes to a crashing halt when they cue up ” I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” Really ABC? And just like that, I am filled with SE again. Oh well.

Then it’s all puppies, unicorns, rainbows and roses as JP and Ashley frolics on the beach. Wait, someone tackle her before she gets in the water in that dress. S**t Ashley, that thing cost $17K. You cannot use it as a sarong.

Somebody get her out of there. (ABC)

And just like that, it’s over. All the excited hand-talking, the booty shorts, stripper shoes, inexplicable tops, crying, Bentley-obsessing and market shopping is over.

HALLELUJAH!

If you need more JP and Ashley, here they are on Jimmy Kimmel.

Bachelor Pad 2 starts in less than a week! Woo Hoo.

Until then… stay tuned!

 

Do you think the producers were like NO you cannot go in the water  that dress cost a blue fortune.

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Weak Sauce. The Bachelorette Season 7 Men Tell All Special

Not going to lie. The “Men Tell All” special snuck up on me this weekend. There I was enjoying a little Sunday when all of a sudden I realized, “Mother of pearl. Tonight is the Men Tell All special. Which means another chance to see Ames make weird faces and act awkward. Woo Woo!” Yup, it happened just like that.

But then about 30 minutes in, I wanted it to end. Basically the same way I feel about every episode this season – excitement followed by disappointment and boredom.

They're BAAACCCK! (ABC)

So rather than go into a detailed re-cap here are my high and low lights:

HIGHS! 

  1. Drunk Tim – It was a pleasure finally meeting you.
  2. Mask Dude montages = solid gold entertainment. Mask dude poops, Mask Dude does yard work. Mask Dude vacuums. Mask Dude will always be lonely.
  3. Required Lookalike Revelation: Bentley looks like a smushed big toe with curly hair (betcha didn’t see that one coming).
  4. Ashley’s voice – No for real, it’s really high.
  5. Ames ballroom dancing with the Jabberwockeez. Ames already having tried the larvae in whatever foreign country they were in. Ames in pink boxing gloves. Ames. Ames. Ames.
  6. Getting to watch the Love Lantern get peed on again!
  7. Ashley getting a toe cramp and Ryan trying to rub it out. Why why why wasn’t this in the episode?
  8. Ryan not taking himself too seriously and realizing he was kind of a creep (and by kind-of I mean a GIANT creep).
  9. Michelle Money breaking down the Bentley gossip.
  10. BACHELOR PAD 2 PREVIEW 

Honorable Mentions: Nick for being a hottie willing to stand up to defend EVERYONE except William who he hated on continuously. Mickey for being there and looking cute. And Chris Harrison for finally doing some work.

LOWS 

  1.  Jason, Molly AND Ali all back? Did ABC realize that this season is beyond lame so they had to throw some other random contestants in the mix to liven it up.
  2.  Michelle Money, Justin “Rated R” Rego and Kasey “Ready to get my guard on” Kahl – See # 1 for explanation.
  3. Chris Harrison Hyperbole. Ole dude  must be paid for every one he uses. No show in the history of television has used more hyperbole. (Gotcha!)
  4. Oh Ryan P., nope Ashley does not want to meet your family. ABC, please stop forcing us to relive this breakup.
  5. Ashley’s bugged-out eyes and crazy hands. You’re only supposed to have ONE five-hour energy.
  6. William talking about anything.
  7. Finding out that Ashley uses Vaseline at night. Don’t think that was the product placement/endorsement they were looking for.
  8. Bentley not coming on the show (was thinking about making this a High but couldn’t decide).
  9. Consty not getting NEARLY enough screen time. WAY too much Ryan. Uh hello ABC, this dude actually made it to the final 3 (I think this officially means Ryan is the next Bachelor. WOOF).
  10. The Fireside Chat. Hey Guys, it’s like a million degrees EVERYWHERE. Why the F are you two talking in front of a fireplace? Is it cold? Are you craving smores? Is the sight of burning wood soothing for you?
So there you have it folks. My top ten highs and lows (in no particular order) from last night’s “special” (wasn’t very special for me).

Finale time tonight. Let the countdown to true love begin (and by True Love, I mean Bachelor Pad 2).
Here’s the preview in case you missed it!

Until then… stay tuned!

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Definitely never thought I’d Never Title a Post “Cream Dream” – Bachelorette Ben F.’s Attempt at SNL-Style Digital Glory

Yowzer. That is all I could say when a loyal reader passed this video along.

So here’s the deal. RealitySteve (who I think started blocking my comments or maybe I’m just crazy), who I have tried to mildly boycott since my writing contest snub, posted a link to this video creation that stars one of the mop-top twins.

Has Ashley Seen This?

Apparently Ben F. and an amigo wanted to channel their inner JT and Andy Samberg’s so they created the SE filled video “Cream Dream.” Ben F. sports a mustache, a wig (who would have thought this guy would ever need one of those), and some early-90’s attire while singing about his prowess with the ladies. You get the point.

Folks, this video is chock full of SE. Tons and tons of cringe-worthy moments. I appreciate their attempt at humor although, in my opinion, it comes off as a little too crass and lacks some of the overt humor of “D**k in a Box.” But hey, if your dream is to make a naughty digital short, then you go Glen Coco Ben!

WARNING: Do not watch this video with the sound on if you are at work in a cubicle or anywhere else people might hear it and be offended (aka in front of small children). This is definitely an ear-muffs (and eye-mask) video for the youngsters and those who are easily offended (which if you are one of the latter, this blog prolly isn’t for you).

For your consideration, I present Ben F. and Forgery Films video creation “Cream Dream” (you gotta click the link, couldn’t figure out who to embed this puppy).

UPDATE: It appears that Forgery Films has removed the video but I updated the link to the only site that still has the video up. I saw that wetpaint had a notice that ABC asked them to remove it from their site.

What do you all think of the video? Love it or hate it? Does it change your opinion of our boy Ben?

Challenge tonight. I’ll be back with a recap tomorrow.

ps. – Anyone out there interested in a Project Runway recap?

Until then… stay tuned!

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Making the Ordinary Extraordinary. Hometown Dates on The Bachelorette. Season 7 Episode 8 Recap

Hey friends. Can you believe we FINALLY made it to hometowns? I can see the end in sight and I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta keep your head in the game and look ahead to Bachelor Pad (they’re showing the promos – it’s gotta be soon).

To get us started, I’ve decided that I will no longer recap montages/previews but I will say I am excited to see an old man make it rain.

So we  meet up with our girl Ash at her condo in Philly (I saw a lot of people giving Ash a hard time for saying Philly is her hometown but not going there last season. Simmer down peeps, I am no ASh fan but she lives in Philly and she grew up/her fam lives in that little town in Mainada that serves that weird/delicious poutin thing.) Ashley’s going through her mail (c’mon ABC ole girl is annoying but I know she had WAY more mail than that after being in Asia for like a month. I go out-of-town for a weekend and it’s like the post office bombed my mailbox.) playing with her pup all while being dressed like she’s going to a wedding rehearsal dinner.

While this is going on Ashley gives us the deets on why she likes these four dudes.

Ben: Superficially Ashley loves him. She likes his hair, his eyes, his body but yet never mentions his personality (or lack thereof) or how he feels about her. This one’s got true love written all over it.

Constantine: She likes him for all same reasons as Ben since they are essentially the same person.

Ames: He’s unique and nerdy. Oh and also humble about how much better he is than everyone. Basically, he snuck into the final four and she has no idea how he’s been here this long.

JP: Well, duh. She likes him cause he’s a smoking hottie with more of a personality than a wet blanket which is all the other guys are working with.

Ashley is now ready to get her hometowns on. So she steps outside and hails a cab. Wait, what? Clearly the producers hate her as much as we all do since they couldn’t even send a car service for her. And we’re off….

….to Cumming, GA. Yup, that’s what it’s really called. 

Constantine’s hometown name is the first of many sexual innuendos that get thrown around this episode. So get used it to.

These two love birds meet how all young lovers on this show do for hometowns with the required Running! Picking Up! Spinning! Hugging! sequence but this one has a new addition, SKIPPING! YAY!

And next these two go on the required hometown picnic date. While Consty and Ash catch up, I notice he’s still sporting a Asian bead bracelet from his trip. Since I’m paying more attention to his souvenir sporting, I definitely didn’t catch anything they were talking about. I’m guessing it was something like:

Ash: Oh my gawwd, I missed you.
Consty: Me too.
Ash: Can you believe it’s been so long?
Consty: Um, it was like a week ago.
Ash: Thank you for picking me up and twirling me. I am so surprised you can lift me.
Consty: (Confused look, different from normal sleepy confused look) You’re Welcome?

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.... (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

So this ends and it’s off to Consty’s family restaurant which surprise! is not Greek but Italian.  We get little to no explanation on this conundrum so it’s on to making a pizza of love. Ashley is super excited about all of this pizza making (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and attempts to bake Consty into her slice of love. “Put whatever you like in it” (That’s what she said.) Consty says and then Ashley feebly tries to put him in the pie. Guessing she got this idea from Shawntel’s epic hometown date last season. (What are crematorium jokes not funny?)

After a slew of food jokes (“I’m so cheesy!”) these two get down to business. Or as you may know it better, eating a meal.  They blabber on about falling in love while the girl employees gawk like teeny boppers from a near-by window. They provide great commentary like “AwWWW!” “She’s so pretty.” “They’re so cute.” and my personal favorite “OOOOOOOO! They’re kissing.”

After picking the pizza out of each others teeth with their tongues, these two head on over to Consty’s house to meet the fam. And can we all agree, Demetri, Elleni and Maria KILLED IT. They set a high standard for the rest of the hometown dates and no family could compare to their Big Fat Greek Bachelorette Dinner Episode.

No Ashley, I cannot be a pizza topping. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

I loved all of this hometown especially when Elleni got awkward and quizzed Ashley hard about whether she would be open to relocating. Basically, the little Greek mama bear was gonna put the kibosh on anyone trying to take her Consty our of Cumming (please ignore how gross that sounded).

I’m hoping Consty is the next Bachelor just because I want Demetri to get some more TV face time. His accent makes even Ashley seem fun and interesting. After a series of H-to-H’s, the rest of the Consty clan (of course his niece is named Athena. I love it.) storm through the doors with casseroles, drinks and apparently A LOT of twenty-dollar bills. Um, how come whenever I go to a family party there isn’t some fun uncle making it rain with $20 bills? I am sure I would go to a lot more family events if this happened on the regular.

Make it Rain.

This date is by far one of the best of the season (see, i can use hyperbole too!). OPA!!! to the clan Consty for turning this drabness around. Since Ash is a debbie downer though, she makes us leave before they start getting really wild and smashing plates.

We leave with Ashley and Consty swapping spit while Demetri and Elleni watch creepily from the door. End Scene.

Next Stop: Chadd’s Ford, PA. Oh Muffy! It’s time for Ames’ hometown. 

Before the required Run!Hug!Lift!Spin! sequence Ames let’s us know he’s really excited. I’m going to take his word for it since he face shows no sign of emotion or recognition.

They meet up and Ames let’s Ashely know this place “Is like home to me.” Um, yeah Ames because it IS your home.

So we pull up and Serena Van Der Ames sinks her sister claws into Ashley the minute her stripper heels hit the patio. We relive the Muay Thai boxing fiasco and Ames’ other adventures in love before we break down into one-on-ones.

Serena drags Ashley by her hair over to sit besides their in-door pool where she breaks it down. “Hurt my brother and I’ll hurt you.” Okay, so it didn’t exactly go down like that but more or less Serena is OBSESSED with her baby bro and will cause bodily harm to anyone who breaks his little Ken doll heart. And I believe her, she seems a lot bigger and a lot meaner than Ashley.

After hooking Ashley up to the lie-detector and running a brain scan analysis on her answers, Serena knows that Ashley is full of it and has no love for our boy Ames. So what does she do? She takes a page from her Gossip Girl younger self and runs over to blab to Ames, telling him how she’s not that into him and he needs to step up his game. They share some weird sexual innuendo and I am officially creeped out. I was almost officially creeped out with Ames’ awkward hand gestures but this is what really pushed me over the top.

Since Serena van der Ames stole all the spotlight on this date we hardly get to see any of Ash’s sit down with Mama Ames or Ames mama’s boy chat. We do learn about Ames losing both his dad and his step-dad and I am genuinely touched for a moment. Then I notice that Ashley is not paying any attention to what Jane Ames is saying. I’m guessing she stops paying attention when they stop talking about her. Can’t blame her, I tend to do that too. (Just kidding. Or am I?)

The awkward Ames family says their goodbyes and they duo are whisked off to a magical magnolia filled park. Ames thinks magnolia’s are the most romantic thing ever (um, haven’t we already been to all the most romantic places ever? I think we need to establish some sort of ranking for this kind of thing) which my grandma would wholeheartedly agree with.

Cheers! Wanna Party? (ABC/Ken White)

Ames let’s Ashley know that he used to go to boarding school (duh!) where he was a big nerd (shocker!) and that he didn’t have a ton of friends (really?!). Ashley pretends to act sympathetic but has no idea what to say here. The odd moment is broken up when Ames goes into his diatribe on making the “ordinary extraordinary.” According to Ames there is “magic in the ordinary.” Um, your ordinary must be a lot cooler than mine Ames cause I’m pretty sure commuting to work, working, going to the grocery store and cleaning my house aren’t filled with a lot of magic. They are filled with a lot of alcohol though, maybe that could help make everything more magical.

Ames suggests they make some ordinary magic so they kiss (after staring at each other for WAY too long) and ride off into the forest in a carriage driven by some George Washington look alikes.

Sonoma Valley, CA. Bottoms Up!  

We’re halfway through the hometown marathon and now we’re heading out west to Sonoma Valley or what 40-year-old women refer to as Heaven. I admit I’m a little excited about this one. Ben has seemed to have some personality this season and I am assuming there will be a lot of boozing in Sonoma so it should be a good time.

If you were thinking anything like me, you had to have been sorely disappointed. I am going to say this may have been the most boring hometown date I’ve ever seen. I spent the last few minutes of it online shopping for baby gear because that seemed more interesting than what I was watching (it was pretty boring too which shows how awful this date was).

Ben opens the date by saying “This is my hometown. This is where I grew up. And Ashley is here. And I’m very excited about it.” all with the enthusiasm of a wet sock.  He tries to look mildly interested for the running! jumping! twirling! meet-up but even that is half-assed.

Will this make you stop crying? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

Since there isn’t a shred of originality on this show, they go for a picnic. (Isn’t Ashley just a LITTLE tired of picnics at this point? Did these guys really do that much picnicking growing up?) The entire Ben and Ashley alone time is spent with Ashley trying to paw Ben’s clothes off while he stares awkwardly ahead, speaking exclusively  in monotone, looking like a deer in headlights. What happened to the Scooby-Doo loving stoner that we’d grown to know and not hate?

Ben tells Ashley he’s only brought one girl home before which is why, i’m guessing, he’s acting so weird. Ashley kind of freaks out and all the while I’m wishing we could go back to Cumming (Georgia that is) and hang with Consty and his fam.

Ashley and Ben taking a hair brushing break and then head over to his house to meet his mom and sister. They also speak exclusively in monotone and shockingly are way more uptight that Ames’ family. Ben’s sister manages to grill Ashley through the entire dinner before taking a break to lay down the law for her brother.

Was anyone else a little overwhelmed with these intense brother/sister relationships? Yikes. Anyway, at this point, the monotone convos were making my brain numb so I stopped paying attention.

When I looked back up Ben was crying and we finally got to leave. (For all the more sensitive viewers, I know his Dad passed away and that’s very sad but wow – that date was ROUGH!)

I thought this moment would never come…. Rosslyn, NY – Hot Skating with JP.

If I wasn’t excited enough about the date with JP, I was over the moon after that monotone date from Sonoma. JP, his hotness and his voice inflection were on hand to spin Ashley who could barely keep her hands off our hottie hipster.

Ashley doesn’t care where JP takes her as long as they’re together. For once, I am 100% behind Ashley. But JP being cute, hot and original takes Ashley on a tour of his childhood with a date to the roller rink aptly named Hot Skates.

JP and Ashley lace up and then hit the floor for couples skate. Ashley “feels like [she's] back in 7th grade.” Except it’s better because there definitely weren’t hottie like this in Mainada.

Everything is going well until the music starts. Wait, hold up. Really? That song. I know Ashley can’t fight that feeling but that wasn’t even the original version. I got a serious case of SE but then I realized I was watching JP and it passed. After tongue kissing in the strobe lights, JP takes Ash back to meet his fam.

Hot Skates (ABC/Lou Rocco)

ps. I do need to mention the fact that Ashley asked JP how he could be single for so long which was code for “What’s wrong with you? There’s got to be something I don’t know about since you are otherwise smoking hot and really charming.”

So back at the family pad, we meet JP’s mom who belongs on the SNL skit Coffee Tawk. I love her though. We also meet JP less genetically blessed brother Roy. They also say some white-haired dude is his Dad but he is never allowed to talk so I’m not sure.

Ilene gets real and asks JP if he is in love (since she knows Ashley is in love with him, obvi). He skates (you like how I used skating again huh) around the question but I’m pretty sure he digs her.

Kirk + Zack = Perfect Early 90's Love.

This date is pretty standard family fun and then Ilene goes big – she break out his Bar MIitzah. Ah MAZ ING. Not a boy, not yet a man JP was a perfect mix of Kirk Cameron and Zack Morris. Love it. What a cutie. He definitely didn’t have the same issues as Ames in high school. This is a special message for Ilene: Thank you for bringing out that picture. We all owe you and Consty’s family for bringing your A-game to hometowns.

At the end of this date, if you weren’t convinced JP wins (yeah I consider this a game) then you should know now.

Rose Ceremony

Phew. We made it. I’m going to skip over Ashley’s babbling to Chris Harrison and get down to business.

After pulling down her long black sweater and gazing longingly at the frames, Ashley knows who’s got to go.

Roses go to:

  • Ben
  • JP

Ames looks unique with his tan suit and hand-in-the-pocket style which Drew refers to as “keeping it Ivy league.” I’m not quite sure what my husband knows about Ivy League style since we both went to the University of Kentucky, but we’ll go with it.

Consty looks confused/confident. Just the way I like him.

  • Consty for the win.

Poor Ames doesn’t know what to do so he awkwardly says bye to the dudes and wanders out with Ashley. Sitting like Forest Gump, he gives Ashley his good-bye speech before giving her a HAND SHAKE. How uncomfortable was that?  Oh Ames, bless your heart.

Before he leaves, Ames gives us one final piece of poetry, “I thought I would be sharing a life time of adventures with this woman but instead I have a lifetime of adventures by myself  – which is less enticing.”

Oh Ames, I’m sure there is a frozen faced girl out there looking for adventures with you. Maybe you can find her on the next season of The Bachelor (no, nevermind, I take that back).

So there it is. What did you all think of hometowns? What do you think about the previews for Bali?

I’ll be back on track with Love in the Wild this week.

Until then… stay tuned.

Wait, when did this happen? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

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