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“There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Or just the 2nd Episode of The Bachelor Season 18

Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?

Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?

We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.

You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).

JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?

They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?

While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.

The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.

“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.

Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.

And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.

Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).

The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.

For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.

While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.

They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).

It’s electric with Kat

Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.

All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.

The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.

Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.

I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).

So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.

p.s. – Kat gets the rose.

Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.

In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.

I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television?  Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?

Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.

Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort.  Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.

The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.

It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.

What the what are they supposed to be? Is Chelsie a space alien on her way to work?

I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.

Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.

What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.

Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.

In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.

oh you’re getting naked too? then count me in!

Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.

Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.

Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.

Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.

The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.

She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.

Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!

I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.

While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.

And so begins, the Victoria show.

“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.

Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty.  Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).

is that the hymen manuever?

Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).

Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.

Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).

I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).

Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?

So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.

Rose Ceremony

This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.

What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO!  The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.

Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.

In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.

Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.

Rose ceremony:
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:

* Cassandra

* Nikki the Nurse

* Andi (YAY!)

* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?

* Sharleen

* Renee (YES!)

* Danielle

* Lucy (Why!?!)

* Allison

* Chelsea

* Lauren

Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.

* Kristi

So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).

Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.

I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.

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Filed under The Bachelor

Hola Mi Amour * The Hunt for the Juan * The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 1

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? Probably not, you probably just forgot about me and moved on to a bitchier, better Bachelor blogger. Don’t worry I’m not going to cry like a contestant with daddy issues. I know I’ve been away but I’m back and ready to share my love of Juan Pablo with the world.

Seriously guys, it’s Juan Pablo time. First off, I gotta give a big, giant, sealed with a wet kiss thank you to ABC for giving us all this belated Christmas gift. Nice, nice work. Your best trabajo in years (my apologies in advance, there’s going to be a lot of Spanglish going on this season).

So let’s all forget about Ben Flajnik and Desiree, put them in the past and get excited about a long winter’s nap heating up with Juan P.

“God damn you are good looking in person,” said Juan Pablo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t share my excitement with my DVR and due to an unfortunate (more like blessing in disguise) glitch, I missed almost the entire portion of the show dedicated to sob stories, awkward desperation cries and long walks on the beach (boardwalk, farm, small town Main Street). I was spared a lot of secondary embarrassment which could be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, the only bad part is that I’m coming into these limo reveals without any back story. The good part, I don’t have to learn a lot about a bunch of girls that aren’t going to last past the first 45 minutes.

I’m going to chalk this one up as a win since I get to mentally fast-forward straight to home-sweet-home (aka the bachelor mansion) and a quick bro catch up with my long lost boy toy Chris Harrison. Missed you boo bear.

You know who I missed more… oh you know. It’s Juan Pablo. After blowing a few kisses at my paused TV screen (Drew was in the basement watching the football game), I’m ready to kick things off. Let’s do this mi amour.

Side note: totally loving on JP’s new English skills. How cute is it that he practiced? How cute is he for doing literally ANYTHING? Sorry, I digress. Back to the limos.

With squeels of delight and “he’s so cute” in the background (from the limos, not from ME. C’mon you guys), we’re ready to unleash the ladies of Limo Numero Uno (sorry i can’t help it).

* Amy. I’m going to call you Jessica Rabbit. Why is your dress so sparkly? Please tell me this is not going to be a pageant dress parade. Pretty, pretty please.

* Cassandra. How nervous is this girl? At least she’s letting her cleavage make the first impression because lord knows her awkward lack of talking isn’t winning JP over.

* Christy. Too tan. Why the white dress? Ditch that headpiece. This isn’t Coachella.

I am getting super judgy but JP is digging it. Take note ladies:  A little clevage and a lot of barrel curls will go a long way with a man.

* Christine. This little latina in the green dress is from Miami (you can totally tell from her accent) and I’m thinking JP may dig this gal. Bonus points for bringing a little present for Camila.

* Nikki the Nurse. Just an FYI, this will be how I refer to her from here on out (which could be a long time judging by the previews). Not sure how I feel about the stethoscope prop. I give her credit for giving JP an excuse to get super close to her ta-tas.

Limo Numero Dos

* Kat. This little kitty is a dancer who is pulling her best J.Law impression in that red dress.

* Chantel. All I know about Chantel is that she is very sassy about name pronunciation. She’s bossy (say it in the Kelis voice and it will be better).

* Victoria. This little lady is from Brazil and drops a little portugese language bomb on JP which he totally digs. All I know is ABC better be ready with the subtitles with these two.

Side note: Can we please outlaw the awkward hugs that accompany this portion of the show. They are all forced, they all make me uncomfortable and the girls always do something weird with their face/body to avoid leaving a giant make-up schmear on the guy’s shoulder.

* Lucy. Okay first off, “free spirit” is not a job. If it was, we’d all be free spirits and living like we’re part of the 1%. We all saw the special yesterday, old girl works in a boutique so cut the crap and just put “Sales Associate” or the like. Also, take off that stupid flower crown, put on some shoes you hobo and stop acting like a five year old. Lucy, you’re already wearing me out and we’ve just met. This doesn’t bode well for your SE future.

* Danielle. What a beautiful name. That is all.

* Woah what’s happening? Is Sarah Baralleies performing on the first episode? Nope, it’s just Lauren or whatever her name is, flexing her talent muscle on the piano. I’ll give her credit for coming strong with a real talent instead of a horse/skateboard (I’m looking at you Lindzi and Jef – gah their stupid name spelling should have been the first warning).

Lauren, in all her talent glory, forgets to tell JP her name. So he chases her inside which causes ole Jessica Rabbit to do her best Kevin McAllister impression. Hey ladies, Chill the F**K Out.

You can play my keys. Wait did I say that out loud?

Limo Numero Tres

* Chelsea. Love that dress and this girl seems cool until… wait… no, take off those science nerd frames. No no no, do not say “let’s have chemistry.” Thank the lord above that she didn’t kiss him. For a half second,  I thought she might and I got super uncomfortable. I’m not totally out on this girl but she’s treading on thin ice.

* Valerie. Oh cut it out with the cowboy boots. You’re not THAT country.  -

* Elise. This one kind of weirds me out. Why is she walking (no sauntering) so slow? What’s with the pageant talk? Why is she making me so uncomfortable unintentionally?

* Ashley. Love the dress. She seems a little old for JP though.

* Clare. WTF. Take off that fake baby bump. That shit is just weird. Seriously, it’s really really weird. I miss a lot of their interaction because my mouth is hanging open in disbelief that this is really happening in front of me. Why are people so strange/desperate for attention?

*Alli. Alli knows whats up. She’s breaking out those soccer skills to impress Juan. And it certainly fills the time better than a hug and oddly staring at each other.

* Amy.  “I’m here for you, because it’s you.” Well hey there big crazy. We’ve been waiting for you! Drinks are inside. Grab a few and we’ll talk later.

* Renee. Hot mama. Seriously though, she’s really pretty (so you agree, you think she’s really pretty) and seems semi-normal. And she’s got a little boy. Love it.

* Lauren. Woof. First off, those shoes. And second, don’t do that smushed up thing with your nose. It does nothing (and I mean nothing) for you.

* Maggie.  Our resident southern belle. “Lures” him in with a little fishing gift and that accent.

REALLY?

* Really, a dog? Really? And then your job is “dog lover?” That’s NOT A JOB. Sorry, not to be insensitive but that’s NOT A JOB. It’s just not. And why does the dog go with her to the party? Also, has the dog been stealing all her food? Kelly - we’re getting off to a VERY bad start.

Limo Numero Quattro

* Lacy. More pageant dresses. This time with a side of red hots courtesy of a prescription from Dr. Cupid. No. Just No.

* Alexis. I can’t even remember what this girl looks like now. My b.

* Kylie. If the double wave didn’t alert you to the fact that she’s a total douche, the pepto pink dress should have tipped you off.

* Sharleen. Why so serious Sharleen? No but really? Why is she so stiff. Loosen up little lady (no really, you need to have loose morals to be on this show).

* Andi.  Oh this girl is it. ABC even cued up that lovey music. I’m thinking I’m going to be adding this lady to my top five picks in my Bachelor pool (yup, I’m in one of those and it’s awesome). Juan Pablo is really picking up what this little hottie is putting down.

So now that we’ve met all 27 (dios mio) girls, it’s time to liquor them up and let the crazy loose. You guys excited?

So when do you all take off all your clothes?

Juan Pablo walks in and the girls all wipe the drool off their chins in unison. This comes immediately before they all squeal “he’s sooooo cUUUUTe” together. If you were drinking at home, this would be your cue to tip the glass. That and any time they mention the accent or Camila.

Despite the awkward entry, Sharleen makes up for it with the clutch cocktail. Juan Pablo let’s out an “Aye Yai Yai” which the girls all think means “Cheers!” and we’re off.

Just gotta break in and raise my glass to ABC, once again, on the JP choice. Seriously great work you guys.

Before you ask, yes, we did roofie this drink.

Juan Pablo knows it’s time to mix things up so he does the only thing he’s comfortable doing in a room full of chicas, he breaks out the boom box and gets a dance party underway. In a flash, it looks like a scene straight out of The Wolf of Wall Street before the Quaaludes kick in.

Here’s the highlights of the one-on-ones:

* Nikki the Nurse. JP remembers her because she’s the nurse and she made his heart go “boom boom.” Me, Juan Pablo. You, Nurse.

Hey okay Tarzan, we get it. You don’t speak great English but we’re going to have to do better than that if we’re going to make it through 10+ weeks of this.

* Renee the Momma. All these two need is a cup of coffee and we’ve got a Match.com commercial. Just two single parents sharing stories and talking extra curriculars. Let;s hoping these two get to doa little extra curriculars of their own coming up this season on The Bachelor (sorry, sometimes I can’t help but go into Chris Harrison mode).

Consider this your warning Lucy. Keep this up and things are going to get bad.

* Lucy, I’m going to need you to get the hell out of here right quick. Personally I have a pet peeve about not wearing shoes. There is NO EXCUSE for not wearing shoes. Honey, there’s these things, they sell them at stores, they’re called FLAT SANDALS. I want to buy a pair and throw them directly at the flower crown on her head (hoping that the foot bed hits her squarely in the nose while knocking the crown off). “I’m just a drifter,” she says. Um, really? Because yesterday I saw you working at a high-end boutique. Pretty sure real “drifers” don’t sell $500+ dresses to rich women in Hollywood but hey, I could be wrong.

Oh this girl. I feel that she may bring out some of my best work while simultaneously driving me crazy.

* What, where did this massage table come from. Seriously producers? You are just unleashing the crazy and totally enabling these girls. I’m not mad, truly I’m impressed. One glass of champs and Amy’s got glazed over crazy eyes in full effect as she rubs down Juan Pablo. (Side note: Why are her boobs so smushed in that dress? Looks horrible along with those bangs).

No, just no.

I’m totally distracted by her weird smushed dress cleavage when I hear her say, “I just wanted to take off his clothes and poor my oils all over him.” These people live among us. Just remember that.

“The massage was pretty awkward,” says Juan Pablo, perfectly echoing what we all felt inside.

We’re all just recovering from the case of the weirds we got from Amy when CH strolls in like a boss with a single rose. This opens the flood gates on a level of crazy champagne could never conjure. All of a sudden girls are fretting over “their time with Juan Pablo” and starting to lose their grip on keeping crazy under control.

It becomes especially tough for old Lauren to control and within seconds she is crying. Yes, you read that correctly, this girl is crying. So while Science Nerd Chelsea watches JP dominate the photo booth, Lauren is losing all control of her emotions and rational thought.

It makes for wonderful television.

Oh and in between all of this, Andi confirms that she’s a total babe with a cool girl personality, a badass job and pretty hair. Just give her the first impression rose already Juany P. (On a personal note, Andi receives my at-home first impression rose. This means little to nothing and plays no part in the progression of the show. I just thought I would share since we’re friends and all.)

So Blakely, I mean Lauren is still freaking out (in the mean time, JP has talked to at least three other girls) and ABC is just letting it fly. Drew walks up from the basement and wonders why I am sitting wide-eyed, staring blankly at the screen. It takes him a full 30 seconds to knock me out of the SE shame spiral I am stuck in.  My skin is crawling but I’m happy that we’re bringing crazy back. It’s a double edge sword.

I mean the girl says “This is breaking me.” Um, I think there had to be some serious underlying issues if 2 hours without attention from a GUY YOU DON’T KNOW is breaking you. No but really, where do they find these people?

When Lauren finally gets her five minutes with Juan Pablo, she lets her crazy go totally uncontrolled and word vomits all over him. It’s just chunks of “bad breakup,” “I got a call at work that it was over” and “we were planning to get married” all over Juan Pablo. He promptly stands up disgusted, wipes the word vomit off of him and makes a mental note to forget her forever right then and there. Good move bro.

No but really, I threw my hands over my face uncontrollably at one point, unable to physically deal with how embarrassing she was being. I think we should all buy that old BF a beer, clearly he was dealing with a whole lot of crazy.

Last but not least is ole Sharleen. Okay but really, why is she so serious? I know she said she’s an opera singer but are we sure she’s not in the military. She says “sir” WAY too much to not have some sort of military background. She’s stiff as a board and it’s giving me a case of the sads hearing her talk. But Juan P is loving it and all of a sudden goes from cool guy to needy guy. Wait, who is this and where did my Juan Pablo go?

He’s loving her “elegant” vibe so much that he hops up to snag her the first impressions rose and every one is all, “what the what?” Even Sharleen is totally confused and for some reason acts like she’s just not that into Juan Pablo. Um, what is wrong with you. You accept that rose gladly and stop calling him “sir” you big weirdo. He’s not your daddy or your Sargent or your conductor.

She finally accepts with a “thank you sir” in her best Old Greg impression (have you all seen that BBC video? It’s weird as hell but super funny).

All of the other girls (me included) are confused and kinda hate her but no time for all that, it’s rose ceremony time!

Love that CH has to explain how to accept the rose. Honestly gals if you don’t know how this part works, you have way bigger problems than being a reality tv show to find a husband.

It’s been great meeting you but some of you – como se dice loca? – girls are going to need to leave now.

Rose Time:
Sharleen is safe.

Wait that one girl STILL has her dog with her?

* Clare – Me? Yes you, you crazy faux preggo.

* Nikki the Nurse – love her.

Panic already setting in for Lucy.

* Renee – hot mama.

* Andi – the one to beat.

* Alli

* Chantel

* Lauren S. – Piano {Wo}man

* Kelly and her dog – REALLY? Dog lover is not a job. I just need to reiterate that.

* Cassandra – You can stop freaking out now.

* Danielle – Get it namesake.

* Chelsea – Love that little nerd.

* Kat – Oh no, did you see that? The mouth-y red-head just jumped out. “Oh I thought you said Kelsey… can you just take both of us.” Um no, he can’t. Now get back in line and prepare to go home. WOOF. That was really bad. I wasn’t ready for that level of secondary embarrassment so early.

* Victoria

* Christy

* Lucy – Stop f-ing acting like a five-year old. I’m tried of you already.

* Elise – You didn’t win a pageant, stop acting like you’re constantly in one.

Final Rose. Please no, don’t let it be the massage girl. Anyone but the massage girl.

* Amy L. aka Jessica Rabbit

So it’s the end of the road for the crazy massage therapist, over eager Kelsey and that cutie Christine. Oh and some other girls I don’t remember.

It may have only seemed like two hours to you but for these girls that cocktail party was an entire journey with hopes, dreams, aspirations and a lifetime of happiness all wrapped up in it. so when the “journey” is over, the waterworks begin. Yes, you read that right. Handsy Amy totally breaks down and lets this gem out, “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man.” Yes, her heart capacity is ready now. Just let that soak in.

But don’t let it linger too long because we’ve got some previews to enjoy. Epic, heart-wrenching, dramatic previews. Get ready for a season full of bungee jumping, fireworks, canoodling, soccer, latin dancing, long hair, sad faces and a little bit (haha, who are we kidding – a whole lot) of crying.

Right now my favorites (and by favorites, I mean my top five picks to make it to the end): Andi, Clare, Nikki, Sharleen and the Chemistry teacher.

Oh and my prediction for most hated bia since Chantel (from Brad’s season): Lucy.

What did you all think? Favorites? Winners? Losers? What did you think of CH’s suit (woofy)? Let’s discuss.

Until next week… stay tuned!

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Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay’s} every seen.” Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I’m thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I’m just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as “a bunch of flowers made of petals.” Yup, that’s what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire “dinner” is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that – that comes later), she’s saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it’s on like donkey kong (except it’s not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to “express her feelings” which means she’s ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here’s the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she’s gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there’s no stopping it (see ex. 1 – standing on a chair and yelling “I Love Sean.” ex. 2 – does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it’s annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn’t going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it’s straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee’s all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It’s time for another one of Sean’s test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it’s time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges – I guess this is Sean’s way of figuring things out. I’m just saying that I found Brad Womack’s way (i.e. – hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 - AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

http://www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin'” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange –  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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“I’m The Bachelor, this is absolutely nuts.” The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 1 Recap

First off, it feels good to be back.

Second, I just finished watching the premier and I can’t help but be filled with a little bit of giddy joy. Somewhat similar to the first day of school. You know, if school was full of slutty, insecure, crazy girls. Oh wait, it was! Hooray school is back in session.

No but really, I think I’ve been away so long that I rather than being consumed with constant secondary embarrassment, I genuinely embraced it every time it showed its awkward face on my television set.

Gah I missed this. (Admit it, you did too.)

So this season marks our boy Sean’s second chance at big boobie grabbing true love. After a quick preview of one girl’s pursuit of madness (I’m watching you Tierra), it’s time to get down to business. And by business, I mean video footage of Sean with his shirt off. It appears that since the last time we saw Sean, he’s been working on his pecks, improving his babysitting skills and hoarding v-neck tees. You know, standard post break-up stuff.

Side note: There needs to be an addition to this season’s drinking game: take a drink every time Sean takes his shirt off. Take a shot every time he is shown working on his fitness, shirtless obviously.

I’m BAAACCK! Image: Buddy TV

While Sean’s been crying puppy dog tears and trying to deal with his new found fame, we discover his dad has been picking up Brad’s plaid me downs at Goodwill. I mean,  if anyone knows about Brad’s sloppy seconds it’s the Lowe family.

Side note part deux: When is Emily going to come back (again) as The Bachelorette? #runitback
Hey Robert Mills – make it happen. 

We end with one of the more ridiculous camera shots this show has ever filmed: Sean sulking on a beach while a couple celebrates their beach wedding in the distance. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Enough of beach bum Sean, it’s time to move on with things. And who better to help Sean move on but Arie. Nothing like having a former reality show nemesis bro over for some brewskis before heading out on the hunt for love.

p.s. – did you all see Sean cutting up some strawberries to feed to his favorite man candy Arie? So sweet.

These guys can totally relate to one another because of course, “we both fell in love with the same girl and we both got our hearts broken by the same girl” and we both love v-necks. Brother from another mother. Totes.

The bros move from the kitchen to the patio where it’s time for some words of wisdom from good ‘ol Arie. So at first, I thought this sit down was one of the biggest man love moments on the show, then it turned kind of funny and then it got kind of brotastic. Especially when Sean asked Arie from kissing tips.

Now I know there are TONS more secondary embarrassing moments ahead but I may have to say this was the worst for me. It’s well documented around here how much I HATE HATE HATED watching Arie kiss Emily. The slurping noises, the aggressive face grabbing, the visible tongue fighting to figure out what she ate at her last meal. It. was. too. much.

So having to hear Arie give his pointers was one of the more horrid moments in my viewing history. I definitely yelled out “NO NO NO!” at the TV multiple times. When Arie demonstrated his hand technique, a little piece of my soul died. And I”ll never forget that I heard this line, “You’re kissing her with your whole body.” ENOUGH.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, my man Chris Harrison steps in and save us. Happy New Year to you too CH! How I’ve missed your face! Seriously ABC, don’t keep this guy hidden up in a house on a hill. There’s got to be some parade or pageant or game show that CH can host during hiatus.

While I’m hoping aloud for some more one-on-one time with Chris, the producers have a different idea. Apparently we have to meet the ladies or something. Lame.

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat. Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?” Image: Buddy TV

* Desiree, 26: Ray (as her friends call her) or Desi (as I will call her) is a bridal stylist. This has all the making of a downward spiral but Desi doesn’t seem so bad. A little desperate but nothing too alarming… well that was until I heard her laugh. You can’t hide a crazy laugh.

* Tierra, 24: This gal has trouble written all over her. And not just drawn on like her eyebrows. Little lady couldn’t be more excited about Sean as The Bachelor. So excited that she’s filmed jumping up and down, yelling his name, all over her hometown. “He’s family oriented and that’s what I love about him.” Yikes a million.

Robyn, 26: Nerdy Engineer that loves gymnastics. ‘Nuff said.

Diana, 30: This momma of two is a hairstylist in Salt Lake City. She’s got to be friends with Michelle Money right? Kids + SLC + Bachelor = Besties. Here’s hoping.

Sarah, 26: Blondie advertising designer with one arm. Serious question from me – How do you send the girl with one arm home? Serious question from Drew – When he proposes, does the ring go on the right hand? Okay, we are the worst. Sorry about that. No but really, I like Sarah. She seems normal. That’s what it takes to be normal on this show, one arm.

Ashley: Oh Lord. Another hairstylist. What’s the deal with hairstylists on this show? Maybe they’re just planted to make sure the girls all have the perfect beach waves on every date. Oh wowser, while I was thinking about beach waves, Ashley’s been busy showing us her cats and revealing her 50 Shades of Gray obsession. Question: “Why am I single?” Answer: “I totally hope Seans rips my clothes off and spanks me.” Where do they find these people?

Leslee, 26: This gal means business. Political consultant from down south, living in DC. Doesn’t want any stinking nerds or politicians. Next best option, The Bachelor, obviously.

Kristy: Oh no. Another model. Kill us all now. model.

AshLee: A professional organizer with a penchant for getting teary eyed. Side note, can we talk about the way her name is spelled? Change that. Change it now.

But enough of that nonsense. We’ve all watched this enough times that we don’t need to watch a ton of footage of girls {working out, dancing in their time square, acting weird & quirky for the camera, telling their sob story, playing with their kiddos} to know what this group is made up. Time to meet these gals face to face.

I’m throwing in a twist/challenge for the intros. Rather than wax on about how crazy or ridiculous each girl is, I am going to try and some each of them up in three words (maybe four at times but definitely under five). Let the madness begin…

Limo Reveals

As sounds of “he’s SO cute!” “ahhhhh!!!!” “he’s so handsome” “I love him!” dance in our heads, we all settle down for our winter recap. (Sorry that was corny, cue your own secondary embarrassment for me. I couldn’t help it.)

Limo #1

“Here let me do that for you.” Image: Buddy TV

* AshLee F: Really that spelling?

* Jackeie, 25: Little Mermaid puckers up. (I’m counting Little Mermaid as one word.)

* Selma: Hottie wipes it off. (p.s. – doesn’t she look like a latin Ashley Greene?)

* Leslie H.: Ready for prom OR big mouth & busty.

* Daniella: Is that lingerie?

Limo # 2

* Kelly: Please don’t sing.

Katie: Curly Sue, Sun-Saluting Yogi

* Ashley: I definitely won’t be the first or last person to say this about Ashley but it’s pretty dead on: 50 Shades of Crazy.

Oh You. Image: ABC

* Taryn: Doesn’t watch The Bachelor(ette/Pad)?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

* Catherine: Seems pretty normal. (BORING!)

Limo # 3

* Robyn: Yikes. Failed Flip.

* Lacey:  Emily’s lacy twin.

* Paige:  Ran it back from BP3.

* Tierra:  Drama for days. OR Gets the Rose.

Love how Sean says that he “hopes it doesn’t create any tension.” Hey bud, are you as crazy as Tierra? No wonder you “clicked” immediately. These girls are gonna hate Tierra hardcore. Just wait for it.

Gotta pop in and give a prediction on Paige. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Pad 3, here’s the low down on little Paigey-Poo. Last season they invited 4 fans to compete on BP. It seemed like a fun idea except those fools got run out of the building real quick. Quickest of all? Our girl Paige. She seemed nice, sweet and mid-to-mildly normal but don’t be confused. This gal is NUTS and BEYOND desperate to make it on the show. She won’t get all drunk and stupid and she won’t come off as a conniving bia but don’t be fooled – Paige is crazy motivated to get on the show.

Limo # 4

* Amanda: Fit Model. Boo.

Side note: It has become insanely clear that the #1 requirement on Sean’s list was big boobs. All of these girls have yittums for days. Not hating, just appreciating.  Get it how you live Sean.

“I brought this as a gift. So you will remember that even when I’m crazy, I still love football. And that makes me a winner.” Image: Buddy TV

* Didn’t catch this girl’s name: Rest of dress?

* Desiree:  Pennies from heaven.

* Sarah:  Don’t look at her arm.

* Brooke:  Cute short hair.

* Diana: Michelle Money’s BFF

Three word break-in: So much boobage.

Lesley M.: Down. Set. Spike.

Limo # 5

* Kristy: No. More. Models. OR “Best from the Midwest.” BARF.

* Leslie: Nicki Minaj? (Take away the hair and they look EXACTLY alike.)

* Italian Leslie: Threats ≠ Love

* Lindsay: WHY WHY WHY? Or as you may remember her: Crazy Bride to Be.

Really? That’s it?

Gotta expand on Lindsay in that absurd wedding dress. First off, if you’re going to wear a wedding dress, try not to get the ugliest one on the rack at David’s Bridal. That thing was fug to the max. Second, don’t try and play off your crazy as having a “sense of humor.” Um, last time I checked, having a sense of humor meant telling a joke or doing something a little silly NOT dressing up like a bride on a show where you compete to find love. C’mon Lindsay, you broke the Secondary Embarrassment Cardinal Rule on the first episode: Keep Your Crazy Under Control. Amateur.

Oh and yikes a million when she has to go inside. Did she not think about that? First,  that EVERY girl will hate her for being so ridiculous and second, that you actually have to wear that dress for the 12-hour cocktail party.

NO NO NO NO! Image: Buddy TV

But before I can continue ranting on Lindsay (and watch her make an enormous fool of herself in the house), CH is on the scene with a SUPRESA! Lord knows I love a good surprise. One of the former contestants on CH’s speed dial gave him a ring and asked to “meet” Sean. Who can it be?

Before CH can even finish the sentence I am yelling “PLEASE TELL ME IT’S SHAWNTEL!” at the screen. I lunge for the remote control and violently fast-forward (thank god for DVR, I couldn’t deal with this show AND commercials), all the while begging out loud for it to be Shawntel… again.

Oh yay! One More! Image: Buddy TV

Unfortunately for me (and let’s be real, all of you because I get down on talking about the undertaker), it’s Kacie B looking like a smoking hottie in that see-through number. Kacie knew that if she was coming back, she needed to come strong and obviously that meant showing off the girls. It’s amazing that they’ve remained so big (wink, wink) despite the fact that she’s clearly lost about 25 lbs since her season. Why so skinny Kacie B? You were already a grade A cutie and now you just look a little scary skinny. I think you need to head back to Clarksville for some of Momma’s cooking.

Also, I cannot stop staring at her boob mole. Just thought I’d let you all know.

Well, now that the gang’s all here, it’s time to start the shenanigans aka binge drinking like sorority pledges at their first mixer. Just with less guys and “that girl” times 26.

Bottoms Up!
(No not like that, you dirty mind. I meant glasses not, you know.)

This is not some original thought but it must be shared, Sean is a living (well that’s debatable. he could be a ABC created robot… how awesome would that be? okay, sorry that got weird), breathing, anatomically correct Ken doll.  And now he’s standing in a room searching for his Barbie. This is going to be an American love story at its best.

Sean is super pumped to be standing in a room full of easy women all vying for his validation, attention and love. How do I know this? Because he says that word for word in his toast. (Aw I wish!) He washes down his mix of fear and excitement with a Corona in a glass (see that lime?) and he’s off on his “amazing adventure.”

Seriously with the presents? Image: Buddy TV

Another amazing adventure is also underway, Kacie B.’s quest to avoid having her eyes scratched out by Paige and all the other super fans who think it’s “SO UNFAAAAIRRRRRR” that she’s back for a second chance. I think they’re just mad they chose to wear their prom dress while Kacie B. got real (read: slutty) in her Vegas wear.

The cocktail party is always crazypalooza and it’s hard to recap it all so here are the low lights:

* Desiree, in a sea of uncomfortably crazy laughter, manages to win Sean over with her love of wedding dress design and showing off her na-na’s. He rewards this with the SECOND ROSE of the night.

Woah woah woah little buddy. ABC didn’t set up these rules for no reason. You can’t just start giving out roses willy nilly in an attempt to avoid the threat of mob murder at the rose ceremony. This show is based on a carefully crafted set of “rules” and breaking the rules is just “NO FAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRR.”

* Sean says F your rules and starts running around like the Pied Piper, doling out roses to whatever fair maiden crosses his path. He decides to channel his inner-Oprah (don’t we all want to?) and is just skipping through the house yelling “YOU GET A ROSE! AND YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE!” It’s a twist I both love and hate. Hate because he is robbing us of the mental breakdown of at least 12 women over the course of the night. Love because he is making the five mental breakdowns we do get to see THAT MUCH BETTER.

* This is Paige at the cocktail party:

Always lurking, watching, waiting, look at the baby, look at the baby.

* Every few minutes we check in with Kacie who STILL hasn’t gotten a rose. This baffles her and also takes her back to that insecure place where girls on The Bachelor live for 9 weeks.

* Within minutes, Sierra, Robyn, The Little Mermaid and something like four other girls all have roses. Paige is SO MAD! This also spurs Tierra, Desiree and some other girl who got a rose to debate on who really got the “First Impression” rose. Um, WHO CARES? Apparently Tierra cares because it seems her eyebrows have begun to move independently from her face. This frightens me and I have to take cover behind a massive pillow cushion until it ends. I’m also filled with dread since it seems we’ll be stuck with this little darling for a while.

“Is this a bomb?” Image: Buddy TV

* Nicki Minaj does not get a rose.

* The girls catch on fast to Sean’s game and have formed a single-file line that moves and follows him to each section of the patio. So whenever a boob-evaluating session conversation ends, the first girl in line physically throws herself on top of Sean forcing him into a sit down.

* About this time is when we reach the drunk as a skunk portion of the show aka the good part. Yeah, Taryn is crying but why focus on the sad crazy when you can focus on the party crazy.

* Ashley is like a gift from up above sent down to The Bachelor to entertain us with her “that girl” antics, awesomely inappropriate dance moves and obsession with S&M. Not sure where the producers found this one but if there are more, please bring them out for Bachelor Pad (OMG, I just had a revelation. Please, please, please let this gal make it to the Pad. She would be a simple slice of perfection.)
Her one-on-one should have been one of those epic SE moments where I crawl under my couch and look for lost cheerios but instead I embraced it. I think that we’ve been on hiatus for so long that I couldn’t help but soak up and enjoy every stinking second of the train wreck happening before our eyes. It was poetry in motion. And by poetry, I mean the kind scrawled on the bathroom door at a skeazy college bar. “Bless her heart,” Yoga Jane says as the rest of the country nods in agreement.

Oh and you’re welcome for that video.

* Next stop on the crazy train is Lindsay aka the Blushing (from all the booze) Bride. Can’t help but love Sean a little when he calls her out: “We may have the same morals,” Lindsay says filled with hope and desperation (which are actually the same thing on this show). “But not the same drinking tolerance,” replies Sean with calm wit of someone who’s been there before and lived to remember tell the story.

* Last but not least, we’re filled with hope (the real kind) for Sarah. It would be like The Bachelor to make one of the most normal contestants the girl with one-arm. I even don’t mind her annoying Kourtney Kardashian voice. Sarah’s all down in the dumps, sad because she hasn’t gotten a rose yet. Don’t fret little Sarah, your Ken doll is here to sweep you off your feet and present a challenge never before seen in Bachelor history: What to hold? Your drink or the rose?

(Oh and don’t get all judgy here. Likely this is not the first time you’ve read secondary embarrassment and if it is, you’ve made it this far so don’t get offended now.)

* It’s time to close down this party and get ready for the real rose ceremony but not before some helpless sap says this classic, “These are the most perfect roses ever… and they came from Sean.” WOOF.

Rose Time

In one of the least dramatic rose ceremonies of all time (gah, i missed that bachelor franchise hyperbole), Sean has already shot most of his load and now only has seven more roses to give. The girls are sharply divided and it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some sort of pushing, shoving and name calling as they arranged into their quest for love pyramids.

And the roses go to…

* Amanda: Pretty girl. Big mouth. Woah woah woah, make that HUGE mouth. (“I see you Sean,” says Drew in one of his rare but meaningful and gross comments.)

* Leslee M: Political Football Junkie for the win.

* Kacie B.: Well that’s a relief.

* Kristy: Boo the Midwest model.

* Daniella

OMG Paige is FUMING right now.

* Taryn: You can quit crying now honey.

Final rose and it goes to…..

Fingers crossed for crazy Paige!

* Lindsay: WHAT the WHAT? Wedding dress girl? No Way! There is only one word for this: Ridonkulous. Okay maybe two: Staged.

How in the WORLD did this girl get a rose? Image: Buddy TV

The walk of shame commences, one that Paige is all too familiar with. Bummer.

But enough of those sad sacks, it’s time to toast to {love, adventures, the possibility of motor boating!} Let the adventure begin!

And no premiere episode is complete without a look ahead/cheat sheet at the season. Here’s what it looks like it will be full of: Beach, boobs, beautiful babes, more boobs, bungees, boats, bitches, {neck} braces, bitterness, being bummed and bliss.

Side note: Did anyone see that wedding dress gal gets a HELICOPTER DATE!?! I’m happy that helicopters will be making a prominent return but really, with wedding dress girl. Consider me disappointed.

Last but not least, Ashley’s exit interview may be the best five minutes of footage ever captured by an ABC camera. Give that girl her own show. Now.

Okay, so what did you all think? Are you excited for this season? I must say that I’m pretty hype. It already is better than Ben’s season (he was the WORST!) and obviously the crazy force is way stronger in these gals than the men. I’m thinking we’re in store for some fun.

Who’s your favorite? Who did you wish got kicked off? Let’s talk!

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“I believe in love and fabulous shoes” and other words of wisdom from Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 1 (Premiere) Recap

We’ve been through some hard times lately Bachelor(ette) fans. The back-to-back combo of Ashley and Ben had us reeling a little bit but my hopes are high for this season. And it all hangs on the shoulder of the reason we’re all tuning in…my girl Ricky. Ah, but ABC has decided to play hard to get and try to get us to focus on the “star of the show.” “My name is Emily, I’m 26…” and I have huge boobs, a banging bod and this little human to take care of. Welcome to my quest for love.

A bouquet of balloons float away into space, a visual sign of their dignity floating away as a band of cameramen and douchebags invade their lives. Gah, I forgot how much I love this show.

Ricky & Emily, in their fresh Mommy & Me fits, whip up some pancakes to discuss Mommy’s plans to date 25 guys at once. “I’m thankful for love,” says Ricky. Ricky – I’m thankful for you.

Side note: Emily is hella rich. Her house/ride/wardrobe are all ridiculously nice. But all that nice stuff doesn’t save her from lonely nights spent looking at photo albums in the dark. (p.s. – We all knew that Em, we watched your first turn on ABC.)

But look at the bright side Em, at least you (and more importantly, all of us) don’t have to see Brad. Clearly no one shared that news with Emily though and we have to see her master the art of staring off into space in urban environments. Such a mastered art.

And just like that, Emily is ready to begin her journey for true love because you know, this show is known for its innate ability to find true love for its contestants… Let the douchebaggery begin!

If some camera time for Ricky wasn’t enough to put a smile on your face, Chris Harrison is here ready to turn any frown upside down. Captain Obvious/the most amazingly awesome over-exaggerator of all time gives us some insight on this season, “Emily’s journey isn’t just about finding her soul mate, It’s a quest to find a father for her little girl.”

I’m so excited… I’m so… so scared.(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

The Sneak Peeks:

No season premier would be complete without the little meet and greets with some of the season’s stand-outs. (Haven’t you missed this show? I think Ben may have ruined it a little for us all but it seems like we’re back in action with Emily.)

  • Kalan. With a K. If you were worried about the presence of huge douchebags, you know the guys that make you yell “REALLY? REALLY?” out loud at your TV, than fret no more. Kalan is here and ready to lather on some lip balm and talk about how rich he is. (Sigh*wipes forward in relief). He’s from Houston and ready to sport hipster glasses, talk about himself ad nauseam and generally annoy America. Welcome!
  • Ryan. Just when you thought a little piece of your soul had died watching this show, Ryan is on the scene. Former pro-football player, works with kids, is from Augusta, GA. AND he has a puppy. Winner! This guy seems like a keeper.
  • Didn’t catch this guys name but he sells wood and works on his hard body. Woof. Nuff said.
  • Lerone. ABC’s attempt at diversity is looking to start a family, you know one that includes someone other than himself and his purse pup.
  • David. Ah David. I thought you’d never show up. This singer/songwriter didn’t want to “toot his own horn” (was the pun intended?) but he’s written a lot of great songs about the hunt for love. Judging by his singing abilities, a performance sounds like a one-way ticket to the limo of doom. Prepare for some serious secondary embarrassment beforehand though. (p.s. – I also don’t want to toot my own horn – pun intended – but I totally predicted this guy yesterday.)
  • Charlie. Charlie had a “perfect family, perfect life” until a patio accident left him with some serious injures (chances he raises awareness on deck safety?). No worries though cause he’s back, better than ever, and stretching out every sweater vest this side of the Mississippi. He “may have a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with [his] heart.” Ah, Charlie. Let’s hope your flare for cheesiness is account of your head injury.
  • Jef.  (Yup, just one ‘F.’) This CEO and modern-day Zach Morris loves jean jackets, poufy hair and providing children with clean drinking water. He’s like the Tom’s of Bottled Water. Not sure about this one.
  • Arie. Arie is a smoking hottie with a talent for racing Indy cars and vapid stars into the distance. I predict he makes it to the final three or better.

And we’re back with the new host of our show… Ricky! (A girl can dream can’t she. But really? How awesome would it be if Ricky was the guest host? Just think about it.)

After approving Mommy’s outfit, Ricky runs back to whoever is babysitting during the quest for love but not before letting Em know that she “looks like a princess.” Agreed.

It’s time. The “night we’ve all been waiting for” (Oh Chris Harrison, how i’ve missed your commentary and penchant for hyperbole and exaggeration) is here. (Maybe I judged CH a little early there, I have kinda been waiting for this for a long time. Damn, I hate it when he’s right.)

From the look on Emily’s face though, this is not the moment she’s been counting down to. Our line leader looks downright petrified. No worries, CH is on the scene. Ready for his fireside chat with Emily where they’ll challenge each other to a starring contest (my money’s on Emily) and reminisce on her time with Brad (hence the starring contest).

After getting the back story on her lost love (again… not trying to be insensitive but c’mon doesn’t everyone know about it now), CH lets America know that Emily runs this shizz and got ABC to come to her in Charlotte. That’s how awesome she is (side note: start counting how many times/drinking every time she says awesome here).

It’s Game Time. Em swallows those neeerrrrvious feelings with a little faith and guidance from her spirit guide CH and it’s official, she’s ready to “let the journey begin.”

Limo Numero Uno 

  • First up it’s Sean whose most notable first impression is an awkward hug and weird walk which he means to be full of swagger but just looks like he has some inner thigh chaffing.
  • David. You know David’s from New York (this is our singer/songwriter) when he says, “Who picked Charlotte, was that your call?”I mean, cause really, why would anyone want to do anything outside of NY and LA. Is there even intelligent life in between? Blech. I hate him already.
  • Doug. Ah that’s his name. Here’s our Single Dad from Seattle. His overly familiar questioning on Ricky Tick seems a bit invasive to me but hey, maybe she digs that.
  • Jackson.  Fitness model. Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough, he gets down on one knee and recites love quotes. Boo.
  • To close out group #1 comes loud Joe from LA. Can’t decide if his enthusiasm is fake or funny. We’ll leave it open for interpretation… for now.
In Summary: Meh. Less than impressed with this first group. This is EMILY for God’s Sake. Let’s get some better talent on here.

No I do not want to see your abs right now! (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Limo Part Deux 
  • Artie. Smoking hot race car driver keeps it simple and sweet. Emily digs it.
  • Kyle. Mostly unremarkable other than being a little too complimentary (I know, I know they all are but saying “you’re in awe” is a little too much for me).
  • Chris. Is it me or does Chris give off a Tim Tebow vibe? Either way ole dude comes in with God on his side and one words of wisdom from his pops. Emily kinda likes it.
  • Aaron. Cute (even in the nerdy hipster glasses – thank god those things were part of the gag… or were they?) but kinda ruins it when he says,  “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
  • Alessandro aka Brazilian guy. If he wasn’t from Brazil, I would for sure think he was a backwater auto mechanic. Not sure how I feel about the Brazil/Minnesota combo on this guy. Where will he take her for hometowns? (Yeah right, this dude ain’t making hometowns). Oh and Emily – they speak Portuguese in Brazil but I’ll forgive you cause you’re just so darn cute.
In Summary: MUCH BETTER. There is some potential in this group and no outstandingly awful douche bags. My hopes are up (although I’m sure they will be crushed by the passengers in the next limo).
Limo III 
  • And just like that, Jef (with one f) – aka Zack Morris – scoots in on a motorcycle. If this dude tries to freeze the scene, I will oficially (with one f) freak out.
  • Lerone. Comes in smooth. I think Emily is into it. We’ll see.
  • Stevie (yup, Stevie) coming with a boom box, moon walk and other assorted cliché dance moves. Figures that he’s a “dancer, MC and entertainer.” Add to that his St. Patty’s Day green shirt and you’ve got a double woof on your hands.
  • Charlie. Full of charm and dripping in southern manners (yup, that was a “yes ma’am” you heard), this guy has got it in the bag (that is if his jacket doesn’t explode under the pressure of his muscles first).
  • Prince Charming. I missed this guy’s name as I covered my eyes and hid from the embarrassment of hearing someone call himself “Prince Charming.” Emily did have the line of the night with this guy though, “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.” Truth.

You seriously want me to wear a shoe you bought at Wet Seal? Uh, No. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

P.S. – If you’re drinking while watching, you should definitely be drinking every time one of the guys says Emily “looks amazing.” If you’ve already started, you’re more than likely not to remember anything after this point in the episode.
In Summary: Don’t any of these guys have friends back home? You know, the friends that ride you out mercilessly when you trip going up the stairs? The kind of friends that wouldn’t let you live down that “Prince Charming” or “MC Stevie” routine?  The friends that should text you and say “Dude, you looked like a total tool on national TV last night.” Just wondering. Please continue.
Four Loko Limo 
  • Things go from bad to worse when Mrs. Doubtfire emerges from the limo. I mean, why wouldn’t Emily be impressed by a dude dressed like a Grandma? These introductions are way more awkward, horrible and full of secondary embarrassment than I could ever have imagined. Where do they find these people?
  • Nate. Plays it cool which is probably why I can’t remember his face. Sorry about that Nate but I applaud your boringness.
  • Brent. All I can see are his weird hands, big mole and dorky name tag.
  • John aka “Wolf.” Cute guys with a horrible nickname, let’s drop that one, K? Drew chimes in with this food for thought, ” Cocky dork that came into his looks later in life.” and with that he returns to reading golf magazines and having ADD.
  • Travis aka The Egg Guy. Yeah, this guy brings a giant egg that he says represents Ricky and Emily. He will protect the egg like he will protect them. Gag. Please please please stop with this madness.
In Summary: Emily must have already eliminated at least 10 of these guys based on their horrible, horrible, devastatingly embarrassing entrances. She’s also got to be a little pissed at ABC for sending some of these jokesters.

Bless your heart and that cone head. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Cinco de Limo
  • Michael. Michael has long hair. That is all.
  •  Jean-Paul. Other than being a little awkward, he seems mildly normal, if not a little nerdy. Definitely will get canned.
  • Alejandro. (In my head, all I can hear is Lady Gaga’s voice saying his name). Note to all future contestants: Being a douche bag sounds WAY better in spanish.
  • Ryan. This is the dude. He’s cute and sincere enough to pull off the cheesy but sweet sign. Officially (with two f’s) my favorite (maybe a tie with Arie for now).
  • And now, for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme Douche Bag (comes with a crown, sash and puppy), coming in on the ABC method of choice (although Emily’s least favorite method of transport): Kalan. Emily hated him before he even got out of the helicopter but once she saw his plastic face, glossed up lips and heinous expensive garb – it was a done deal. Listening to her try to stand his presence and pretend that he’s not the biggest tool she’s ever seen was comical. Obviously, Kalan is this season’s Bentley/Courtney.
In Summary: Oh Lord. Thank the big guy upstairs (in the control room) for throwing Ryan in the mix. If not, this group would be a lost cause.
Party Time!
Helicopter Dude (that is his new name, given to him by the dudes not me – for the record) walks in and gets a serious stare down from every dude there. And like any true self-centered douche, he breaks the ice with an insult, “I saw you all from above.” Kill him… NOW!
With a quick pat on the back, CH sets Emily loose in the lion’s den… and so it begins with a champagne toast, obvi. (No really, there were dudes sipping on champagne.)

Wait, your name really only has one F?(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Highlights:

  • Chris sits Emily down and presents her with bobble heads of themselves. Creepy right? Emily’s enthusiasm has me questioning myself.
  • Emily thinks it’s a “lot of fun having guys pull you one way or the other.” Especially since that doesn’t happen to her at the grocery store. Well, I think at the grocery store that would be considered assault. Just saying.
  • Jef hopes that Emily isn’t impressed by all the material things and instead is into drinking bottled water, sitting by streams and blow drying each others hair. Shockingly, Emily finds him “super cool.” And says that he makes her “feel like a nerd.” In what universe is that possible?
  • The Seattle Single Dad hits a home run with a note from his son Austin (who has way more game than his pops). Well played Austin.

How is this not creepy?ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

CH drops in the first impression rose and the guys start clamoring for affection obviously realizing that their lame introduction embarrassments aren’t enough to secure them a spot on Emily’s quest for love.
  • Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside in an attempt to not seem like the biggest diva in the house. But a couple of minutes in, she’s “stolen” by Shawn. This move is applauded by all the other dudes, especially MC Stevie.
  • Arie kills it in his one-on-one with Emily and I’m hoping she is going to give him the first impression rose after confessing about his career in racing. She doesn’t but you can tell she’s into him and we all agree when she says “He’d be hot in a race car.”
  • Side note: It’s gotta be like 3 am and she still looks ah-maz-ing. I’d be pissed if she wasn’t the cutest thing ever.
First impression rose goes to Austin’s Dad. p.s. – If you’ve been drinking every time she says “awesome” you’re drunker than a bachelor contestant at the first night cocktail party.

How did I get here? (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Rose Time!

Emily is happy the producers totally didn’t sell her out and found at least a couple of dudes she’d be cool introducing to Ricky-Tick. Let’s see who it could be…

  • Chicago Chris.
  • Ryan – Duh.
  • Kalan. Oh man. Is this a blessing or a curse?
  • Arie. Smoking hottie race car driver.
  • Charlie. Yup.
  • Jef. With one F.
  • Nate.
  • Shawn.
  • Joe.
  • Kyle.
  • Aaron.
  • Alejandro. The Latin Love (from Columbia not Portugal).
  • John.
  • Alessandro. The Latin Lover part deux.
  • Michael. Oh no, come on Emily. Hair guy?
  • Stevie. What the what? is she on crack with these last few picks?
  • Tony. Gah, that guy had been panicking.
  • FINAL ROSE. You know how I know, cause CH came out and let us know. What would we do without him?
  • Travis.

Man, poor Lerone didn’t even stand a chance this season. I know a lot of people say it but when is ABC gonna embrace a little diversity. Mostly I’m bummed because he seemed pretty legit other than the tiny pup. Also, I’m kinda sad we won’t get a chance to know 20,000 leagues under the sea Jean-Paul.

Oh well, he guys do the walk of shame to the chirping of sweet morning birds as they board a limo of crushed dreams. But enough of that sadness…

“Cheers to finding love in Charlotte.”

From the previews… Looks like Emily does her fair share of open mouth kissing. Also, as expected, lots of hanging with Ricky, crying, man crying, drama, fab locals and CH. What more could a girl ask for. I’ve got my hopes up for this season. I’m thinking the dark days of Ashley and Ben are far behind us!

What did you all think?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Father of the Brides. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 8 Recap

Okay first things first. Apologies are in order on my absence last week. The run-in with my DVR really set me back and I could never get around to watching the first half of last week’s episode. I hope the top ten made up for it a little tiny bit. Anyways, sorry friends about the posting gap but I’m back ready to tackle hometowns.

A quick recap montage voiced over by the ever so lovely CH and it’s straight into the visits. First up…

Lindzi in Ocala – The Horse Capital of Florida (I know they claim the world but as someone who grew up in Florida and now lives in Kentucky, I feel I’m qualified to say that Ocala doesn’t have squat on Lexington when it comes to horses).

So this is the guy that texted you "Welcome to Dumpsville"

I know you all are SHOCKED that Lindzi greets Ben from the saddle of her horse Devin. You know, cause she really hasn’t mentioned horses that much this season. I was happy to find out that Lindzi is originally from Florida mostly because it explains the love of tanning. The whole Seattle thing really had me thrown off. Consider the universe at peace again.

Since Lindzi’s character on this show only involves two things – horses and being tan – she decides to showcase the more impressive of the hobbies and teaches Ben how to drive a carriage.

Confession: For all her weird horsey-ness and serious tanning issues (oh and don’t get me started on the eye liner), Lindzi isn’t so bad. Dare I say, she may be my favorite of the final four.

After a quick ride, Ben & Lindz sit down for their picnic (why why why does this show love outdoor dining so much?) where our girl decides to get a little emotional. She breaks down her feelings for Ben showing him, in his words, “a soft side, a sweet side.” Ben’s digging it (and I’m digging the lack of frizz in his hair – must be winter in FL) and is ready to meet the folks.

Lindzi awkwardly sits in his lap and shows the way home. In true Southern fashion, Margie & Harry are sitting outside enjoying some sweet tea. Unfortunately for them, the nice gentleman their one and only daughter is bringing home has been “making out” with 15+ girls the last three weeks.

Lindzi’s Pops offers Ben some chilled chardonnay and then challenges him to a carriage race around the backyard (but not before her hippie parents confess to getting married at City Hall in San Fransisco. I’d say I was surprised but that would be a lie since I already saw Margie’s hair).

Not gonna lie, Lindzi’s dad is kinda cute  – not sure if I’m a sucker for his love of trash talk or the fact that his name is Harry (my step-dad’s name) – either way, I’m a fan.

Mom & Dad rig the race by saddle up a thoroughbred that wandered through the challenge Lindzi’s donkey Devin. Secure in his manhood (cause he’s a real man), Harry takes Ben aside for their chat.

Other than finding out that Ben wants to take it slow no matter who he proposes to, we do learn that Lindzi is an only child whose parents have tried to keep her away from boys and “kept her focused on horses and cheer team.” This small details really explains a lot about Lindzi’s “journey.”

A little wine from a redneck wine glass later, Ben sets off on his next tour de parents. But not before Lindzi and Ben seal their love with an open mouth kiss and an awkward “back at cha kid.” (C’mon Lindz – I want to like you.)

Next stop… Clarksville, TN with Kacie B.

When I see Kacie B. I wonder aloud why she is dressed like a grown-u (in the loosest form of the word) baton majorette. I find out quickly that it is intentional (I think) and that she is doing a little “routine” with the local high school kids to show off for Ben. It had been a while since we’d heard about her band days but her lack of fashion evolution does confirm my theory that she is really a 14-year old high school girl trapped in a 24-year-old body.

This happened. (Image: ABC)

Kacie commits one of the SE cardinal sins when she does the run, jump, catch spin move with Ben. I’m pretty sure this may be one of my top two least favorite Bachelor activities, right up there with crying in the limo and confessing your love too early.

We find out that they’re at a football field named after Kacie’s grandpa (more on that later Kacie says with a wink). But one quick walk up the bleachers later, we find out that Kacie’s g-pa just liked sports and had a bunch of money. So basically the same reason fields are named after rich white dudes the world over.

We also learn that her g-parents shared a Notebook-style romance that Kacie is READY to recreate with Ben. Oh Kacie and you’re romantic dreams.

Ben shakes her out of fairytale land and demands some deets on the parental units. Kacie tells us that her Dad is a Federal Probation Officer that doesn’t drink. Uh-Oh. Add to that he was very skeptical of her going on the show (well at least someone was – sounds like Kacie’s Dad may be the voice of reason we need). Double Uh-Oh.

Ben is neeerrrvious. Especially cause of that whole “I sell booze for a living” part. I can see the SE now.

A quick off-screen cackle from Kacie and we’re at her house for dinner (where production forces them to all awkwardly sit on one side of the table – kind of like The Last Supper except nothing like The Last Supper – sorry Jesus).

Kacie’s Dad is country (I can say that cause I live in Kentucky) and you can tell that Kacie is super nervous about her pops breaking things down with Ben right quick. So to avoid any uncomfortable situations for herself and leave them all for Ben, she and her sister head into the other room. There Kacie let’s her sister know it’s time to pick out the wedding colors cause Ben is HER man. After they settle on hot pink and teal, we learn that Kacie’s parents (or just her Dad maybe) are super serious and kinda controlling. This leads me to believe this whole Bachelor nonsense has been a move to get them to loosen the reigns a little (or a chance for her to loosen her morals – either way).

Ben and Daddy-O sit down for their one-on-one and needless to say, it’s a LEEETTTLE awkward. Bottom line: Kacie’s Dad wants them to slow their roll and not even THINK about marriage yet. Add a couple more awkward silences and you get the picture. He also puts his foot down and tells Ben to let Kacie know now if she’s NOT the one. Uh-oh. Ben tells us he’s “not sure he likes me.” Drew responds, “probably not since your hair is longer than his wife’s.” Truth.

Kacie’s mom adds to the pressure by giving Ben the third degree about Kacie moving to California and the horror of her moving in with him. Thoroughly scared, Ben packs up his stuff, leaves his food and gets the hell out of there.

Next stop… Ft. Worth, TX with Nicki

“I love Texas everything and Texas Nicki, that’s the best part.” Yes this is a direct quote from Ben Flajnik. Definitely a keeper.

So this is how you do it. (Image: ABC)

So we meet up with Nicki in Texas and it appears that even at home she has horrible fashion sense. Clearly her love of off-the-shoulder shirts runs deep. Woof.

Once again, Ben notices the horribleness of her outfit and makes a beeline for a new fit (remember Puerto Rico?). This time, instead of traditional Puerto Rican garb, it’s traditional cowboy wear in Texas. Ah, stereotypes.

They head into the boot store where Nicki likens finding “the one” to picking the right pair of boots. “Finding the right boot is just like finding the right partner in life,” she says as I run to the bathroom to vomit.

Performing at 8 at tonight's Rodeo. (Image: ABC)

Nicki abandons her sparkly off-the-shoulder sweater for a sparkly, off the shoulder glitter explosion and it’s time to head to the local saloon (Where are they? Texas circa 1885?) to wet their whistle. I’m so distracted by Nicki’s sparkles that I don’t even notice the cowboy fit Ben has thrown on. Oh these two. A quick whiskey later and these crazy kids are off to meet the folks.

Before they arrive, Nicki tells us that she’s expecting a lot of questions from her parents. First one that comes to mind for me is “What in the F are you wearing?” But maybe that’s just me.

Nicki also tells us there is going to be a lot of talk about the Big D (and she don’t mean Dallas). Nothing like bringing home your new boyfriend to talk about your failed marriage. Get excited.

So we arrive and if you were already confused about how to tell Nicki and Kacie B. apart, this isn’t going to help. It appears Nicki’s Mom and Dad look shockingly similar to Kacie’s parents. If Nicki had a sister, I’d be seriously creeped out. Instead, she has a little brother who I don’t think says one word the entire filming.

Nicki and her Mom break off for some seriously embarrassing girl talk while Nicki’s Dad gets serious with Ben. Not gonna lie, her Dad seems pretty sweet. Dad seems to dig Ben and just asks him to take it slow (he can’t be paying for another wedding again so quick!).

Since Nicki loves loves loves to jabber box about her feelings, she pulls Ben aside to let him know she’s in love with him (isn’t this like the 35th time she’ told him?), he responds with a sufficiently awkward, “Really?” and they kiss.

The night comes to a close and Nicki walks Ben out where she proceeds to wave and cry until she can’t see his Escalade anymore.

Save the worst for last. Courtney’s Evil Lair aka Scottsdale, AZ.

Courtney meets Ben and it’s all baby talk and lip biting. Ugh.

Thankfully, we head straight to her parents house so we can finally figure out where this all started but not before Ben tells us he saw his “past, present and future” on his last date with Courtney. WOOF. Thankfully, he follows this with the comment, “It would bother me to end up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, prepare to be bothered.

They arrive and it’s straight to the table where of course, Courtney sits right in the middle. Not sure why they sit down at all though because two seconds late Courtney’s sister (and her seriously ombre hair) sneak out to chat. Courtney’s sister knows everything about her (do you think she knows she’s a model?) so she’s excited to get her thoughts on Ben. I stop paying attention and then it turns to the guy talk.

Courtney’s Dad asks Ben if he’s ready to bet on love (wait, is he a big Bachelor fan? Watch your back CH!) to which Ben responds “All IN!” while visions of skinny dipping dance in his head.

Next up is a chat with Courtney’s mom where we finally find out where Courtney’s weird lip and vapid, glossed over eyes come from. Their conversation bores me until my ears perk when Courtney says “If he keeps it up, I’ll be ready to say yes when he proposes to me.” Oh Courtney, it’s always all about you isn’t it?

We’ve seen enough so it’s time for their local park date.

Raise your hand if you were surprised when Courtney took Ben to the park where she had her first modeling gig. If your hand is raised, you should X out of her right now.

Next question, raise your hand if you were surprised that Courtney threw a fake wedding. Okay, I didn’t think Courtney was this kind of crazy. Mean, conniving, slutty, insulting, self-centered crazy? Yes. Faux-wedding crazy? Didn’t realize she had it in there.

So here’s where the seriously bad secondary embarrassment set in. I am not joking when I say I had embarrassed goose-bumps for this entire segment.

Courtney and Ben are just sitting on a bench when she mentions seeing a wedding there before. Ben asks if there is one going on this afternoon, not knowing that Courtney has an evil plot to marrying him right then and there. No really, she does.

It's the creepy country wedding I've always dreamed of. (Image: ABC)

Since she obviously, wore a white dress. She doesn’t need to change but she’s packed a bag of tricks (I’m getting embarrassed just writing this now) which include:

  • Pen and Paper to write their Vows.
  • A bow tie for Ben.
  • Fake Rings.

Yes, this is real life. Yes, this is happening on your television screen. Yes, I fear the apocalypse is near.

Could this be any worse, I think no until, yup – there is an officiant there.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Ben going through with this? Seems like this is a kind of extreme way to just tell someone you love them.

I am in literal shock as I watch them recite vows and go through an entirely faux wedding. This is insanity. I mean, they put rings on each other and say “With this ring, I thee wed.” Words cannot explain the shock and embarrassment. They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and I am frozen in place on my couch.

So so so creepy. (Image: ABC)

Seriously, is there no sanctity for marriage? Does Courtney know she’s not just modeling this wedding? Ahhhh.

Thank god it ends and it’s time to get rid of one of these ladies.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben sits down with our man Chris Harrison who does a thorough recap of all the hometowns. No lie, I fast forwarded through this since I just sat through 90 minutes of hometowns.

Rose Time.

I’ve got a feeling this one is going to be epic (ly-bad). My pick to go home, Nicki (I don’t read the spoilers anymore so just humor me).

  • Courtney… “I do.” Woof.
  • Lindzi

Down to the twins.

  • Nicki.

Wait What? WOAH Nicki! I definitely thought he’d pick Kacie B. Looks like her Dad really did a number on him (Or it could have been that awful dress, either way).

While the other (read: nice) girls give her a huge to say goodbye, Courtney makes an stretched out stork face sways around in her weird, inability to connect with others (and show real emotion) way.

A quick walk out and we’re in the limo where things get rough.

“Why am I not good enough? Why Why? How did this happen?… What the F*** happened? What the f*** happened?”

Yikes. What do you think the producers say to them in there? I’d LOVE to have that job. (Sorry I would, I can’t help it.)

Poor Kacie. It seems like your parents happened honey. That your baton routine.

Enough crying, gotta keep the love train on track. Next stop, a “perfect place to fall in love,” Switzerland!

The next place their going is the perfect place to fall in love. Duh. Switzerland.

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This is real life. “Former ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka to guest host Chippendales revue in Las Vegas ”

Yup you read that right.

I guess it’s true. The apocalypse is near.

Not sure what’s worse – that this is happening or that the media is reporting on it.

Ah the secondary embarrassment level are almost too much to even consider the possibility of this occurring in real life. Blech.

Wonder if Vienna will be attending any of the shows.

Here’s the full story from the New York Daily News. 

Former ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka to guest host Chippendales revue in Las Vegas
He signed up for four week gig at Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino

By Taylor Hom / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Thursday, February 9, 2012, 11:34 AM

 TV personality Jake Pavelka will guest host a Chippendales revue in Vegas starting Feb. 23. 

TV personality Jake Pavelka will guest host a Chippendales revue in Vegas starting Feb. 23.

Former “The Bachelor” and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant Jake Pavelka is showcasing more than his fleet feet this time

The 34-year-old ex-airline pilot just signed on for a stint as Chippendales official man candy.

Pavelka, the four-time reality show alum, will be the celebrity guest host for the famous male stripper revue for four weeks during its spring residency at the Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, US Weekly reported.

His new gig begins Feb. 23.

Pavelka came in for a landing in front of the cameras for the first time with the fifth season of “The Bachelorette.” After he was eliminated, ABC brought him back by popular demand to star in “The Bachelor,” but his storybook engagement to Vienna Girardi ended as a gossip tabloid cautionary tale.

Undeterred, Pavelka charged forward and participated in the 10th season of “Dancing With the Stars” but received the boot in the fifth round. He then tried his hand at acting a role he knows well when he played a reality dating show contestant in an episode of “Drop Dead Diva.”

He’s currently competing to win a partnership for a Los Angeles restaurant on one of VH1’s lowest rated reality shows of the season, “Famous Food. “

So what is Texas’ most famous reality-show-connoisseur missing from his Hollywood experience?

A live audience, of course.

“You know, I’ve always loved the idea of a live audience. Hosting in front of an unpredictable crowd forces you to draw from the energy of the crowd. It’s challenging but also exciting to work off that kind of adrenaline, knowing no two shows will be the same,” he told The Hollywood Reporter.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/bachelor-jake-pavelka-guest-host-chippendales-revue-las-vegas-article-1.1019786#ixzz1mI3GFchd

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