Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?
Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?
We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).
Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.
You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.
Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).
JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?
They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?
While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.
The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.
“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.
Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.
And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.
Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).
The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.
For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.
While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.
They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).
It’s electric with Kat
Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.
All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.
The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.
Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.
I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).
So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.
p.s. – Kat gets the rose.
Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.
Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.
In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.
I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television? Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?
Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.
Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort. Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.
The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.
It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.
I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.
Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.
What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.
Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.
In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.
Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.
Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.
Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.
Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.
The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.
She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.
Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!
I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.
While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.
And so begins, the Victoria show.
“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.
Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty. Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).
Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).
Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.
Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).
I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).
Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?
So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.
This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.
What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO! The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.
Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.
In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.
Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:
* Nikki the Nurse
* Andi (YAY!)
* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?
* Renee (YES!)
* Lucy (Why!?!)
Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.
So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).
Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.
I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.