Tag Archives: secondary embarrassment

“There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Or just the 2nd Episode of The Bachelor Season 18

Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?

Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?

We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.

You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).

JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?

They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?

While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.

The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.

“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.

Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.

And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.

Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).

The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.

For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.

While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.

They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).

It’s electric with Kat

Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.

All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.

The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.

Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.

I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).

So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.

p.s. – Kat gets the rose.

Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.

In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.

I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television?  Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?

Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.

Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort.  Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.

The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.

It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.

What the what are they supposed to be? Is Chelsie a space alien on her way to work?

I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.

Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.

What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.

Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.

In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.

oh you’re getting naked too? then count me in!

Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.

Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.

Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.

Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.

The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.

She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.

Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!

I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.

While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.

And so begins, the Victoria show.

“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.

Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty.  Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).

is that the hymen manuever?

Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).

Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.

Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).

I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).

Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?

So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.

Rose Ceremony

This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.

What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO!  The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.

Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.

In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.

Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.

Rose ceremony:
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:

* Cassandra

* Nikki the Nurse

* Andi (YAY!)

* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?

* Sharleen

* Renee (YES!)

* Danielle

* Lucy (Why!?!)

* Allison

* Chelsea

* Lauren

Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.

* Kristi

So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).

Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.

I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.

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The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 - AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

http://www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin'” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange –  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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“I’ve just had the BEST time.” The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

And we’re back.  It’s getting down to crunch time for our girl Emily. No more willy nilly tongue kissing all across the globe, it’s time to find Ricky a Daddy. So let’s go…. to Curacao!

“To finish it in Curacao is… so perfect.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 354654997454 times but they could send these kiddos to war-torn Africa and they’d think it was AH.MAZ.ING or in their words, “the perfect place to [fall in love, end their journey, find true love].”

We begin, as we do every episode, with a montage. The highlights in this one: the battle between saying “love” and “perfect.” I think love won by one (say that 5 times fast). interspersed in the montage, we see Emily, accompanied by some seriously EPIC music, standing at the front of her own Titanic … this sinking ship of a romantic journey.

Once they’ve gotten the pre-requisite product plug-in (seriously though, that place looks REAL NICE – said in Ricky Bobby voice but lacking any sarcasm), it’s time to take a deeper look at her relationship with the guys. Okay, I’m not trying to be too picky (yes I am) but this show could easily be an hour and half without all these montages, heart to hearts and ponderous looks (Emily looks longingly at the sea, Emily strolls down the beach, Emily plays with her hair in the Curacao breeze).

Moral of the story:

  • Sean: Perfect and full of plaid. Everything she wants in a husband… tall, blond, huge boobs (no coincidence that they want the same things… they’re perfect!).
  • Jef: A stylish bad boy (I’m laughing aloud as I write that, c’mon Emily… he’s different but “a little bit of edge.” I think not). Plays hard to get. Mormon.
  • Arie: It’s hard for me to hear what she’s saying over my loud boo-ing but I think I make out (no pun intended!) that she loves that he does all his talking through the mouth-to-mouth technique.

We close this recap with a cryptic message in the sand from Emily.

Emily + ?

WHO IS QUESTION MARK?!?!?! Alas, we’ll never know since it is swept out to see just like one of these dudes will be in another HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Perfect Sean

Sean, ever a fan of the ABC supplied uniform of v-necks and Toms, has upped the ante. He’s clearly run out of all his moderately deep v’s and found the most plunging one of all. You know, one that really highlights his chest. And we’re in luck because he found a pair of Toms to match perfectly. Gah, isn’t he just perfect?

He does the awkward jog thing and as much as I hate it, I hate his outfit more. Well done buddy.

Just when I’d given up hope, I hear the familiar sound of helicopter blades in the tropical breeze … a helicopter! Well it’s about damn time.

So these two crazy kiddos hop in and feel each other up as they head off to their own private island. Hold up, didn’t Brad & Emily go on this exact same date at this exact same moment on his season. It seems Womack and Sean have more in common that a shared love of plaid.

Sean’s decided he’s not holding back and breaks out a hand-written note to little Ricky. In your head you’re thinking TRUMP CARD right? So was I. Emily eats every line about wanting to be her Daddy up and I can’t help but get sad realizing that he’ll most likely never meet that little spit fire.

Awkward pauses and a conversation about Sean treating his ex girlfriends like “buddies” fill the time before the “dinner” date (have you ONCE seen someone take a single bite of food on this show? Drinks. Downed by the dozen. Food. Left alone and abandoned. Here’s hoping production meals on that shiz after the love birds leave). They also pretend to go snorkeling which must just be code for tongue kiss in the ocean.

Wanna take off your top errr I mean go snorkling?

Side note: Did you all see how big Emily’s boobs looked in that swimming suit!? I felt like a cartoon A WOO GA noise should have gone off when she took off her cover up.

I didn’t think it was possible but at dinner Sean wears an even deeper V-neck tee. Where do you even get those things?

At dinner, things get kinda serious. Sean confesses his love, to which Emily gives the mandatory “thank you” (is there anything worse?). They also discuss where they’d live, if he Sean would actually propose and other things of minor note… but enough about your life together, where is the fantasy suite card?

Emily finally pulls that puppy out (no, not THOSE puppies… that’s for the fantasy suite you guys!) and I can’t help but wonder if CH really write those notes (I secretly hope he does, did you see how nice that handwriting was?). They wholeheartedly accept the “let’s get it on” key. (Ugh, I hate when Emily says Thank You to him for accepting… you didn’t just order a soda at McD’s…)

For the next couple minutes, we hear A LOT of talk about how much they want to just spend more hours together…. talking (b**ch please)… in the hot tub (well there you are old friend!). But all of that talking will have to be put on hold because little Momma isn’t comfortable with Ricky-Tick seeing her fantasy suite her way to a new man. So Sean and his blue balls don’t have to go home but can’t stay here.

Cue some serious open-mouth kissing and we’re done.

It’s Jef with just one F.

Oh Jef, was there ever a date more perfect for you than sailing? Me thinks no.

So it’s all aboard (sorry, wrong transportation terminology) for these two (and no, not aboard each other… you and your dirty mind). While doing some heavy petting, they hit the serious topic of parenting. Jef really wants to meet Ricky and find out what kind of Dad he’ll be and more importantly, judge Emily’s parenting skills. This evaluation will be key in him deciding if he really wants a future with Ms. E. I sort of tune out cause the cheesy way they talk to one another kind of annoys me. It’s like listening to two 13 year old on a date in front of you at the movies. Just hush up you two. I think I miss something about them playing house in new city because they have to start FRESH!

I definitely tune back in when I hear Jef chime in with this moment of greatness, “It’s been like this crazy painting…  And now I see the masterpiece that’s being painted.” Come on now seriously? You’re going to tell me this is a “bad boy.” Emily, you dated Jeremy Shockey (don’t know who that is? see here). Jef wears high socks like the ring bearer at the last wedding I attended. What about that says edgy?

Just two crazy kids in love.

Anyways, the rest of the date is spent paddle boarding (of course Jef is on the paddleboard date) and jumping off big rocks (p.s. – do you think production had underwater cameras to catch that jump in?). As the day comes to a close, Jef hits us with this truth: “The sun is setting here in Curacao but I feel like things are just beginning with me and Emily.”

Before the sun can set on their romance, Jef has some important dinner questions, namely: “Why haven’t you found the right guy already?” Dang. Coming strong with the questions Jef, I see you. Emily responds with the canned, I’ve dated a lot of great guys just none right for me and then turns it around on Jef. He says the same thing and I begin to lose focus.

But then, like a light at the end of the tunnel, there it is. The Fantasy Suite Card! To which Jef promptly replies “Thanks but no thanks” and bounces from dinner. Okay that didn’t happen. Really, Jef acts all Mormon- gentleman-like and says he doesn’t think it’s right for him to spend the night in a fantasy suite. I mean really people, he’s got morals.

But Emily wanted to be the one to kick him out, so she invites him over to a BOMB-ASS fantasy suite for some over the clothes groping and serious tongue kissing. I try not to focus on the blechy kissing and instead turn my attention to the scrumptous dessert on the bed. Chances that Emily mealed on that once Jef left? 100%

And just like that, Jef is gone.

And my anxiety kicks in because it’s…

Arie’s turn.

I can’t handle Arie. If you’ve read any of these posts this season (well other than like the first two), you know I can’t deal. I plead with Drew to just fast-forward through this entire section but for some reason, he doesn’t get creeped out by Arie’s Accutane lips, effeminate talking and incessant use of the word ‘like.’ So we soldier on…

And right from the start, it’s bad. Arie does the nerdiest half jog I’ve ever seen up to Emily and I half expect her to pick him up and twirl him (seriously, how awesome would that have been?). Instead the implanted magnets in their mouths automatically link up and we’re forced to watch Arie death grip the back of Emily’s head. WOOF CITY.

It’s time to go swimming with dolphins, so they stop their ongoing mouth-to-mouth for two minutes allowing them to board the catamaran, lay down and once again resume mealing on each other’s faces (not like zombies though… or maybe a little like zombies. just not the Miami ones).

This is just what we do.

Since we need some sort of voice over since they’re too busy sucking face, Emily tell us she thinks Arie will love swimming with dolphins since “he’s not scared of anything.”  Well yeah, he races cars at 200 miles an hour surrounded by about 15 other cars and oh yeah, there’s no roof – so dolphins, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem. She also uses this reasoning to discern that he will make a great Dad. Oh Emily. I’m not sure what race car driving and swimming with dolphins has to do with being a good model for Little Ricky but hey, she’s your kid.

Here’s how the rest of the date goes down:

Something about a journey from Dollywood to Curacao; open mouth kissing; face grabbing; heavy petting; talking about kissing; more kissing; swimming with dolphins; kissing; playing with dolphins while kissing; more kissing; end scene.

It’s dinner time and I honestly CANNOT get over how much Arie grosses me out. I just can’t deal. I can’t. Writing this right now is giving me the heeby jeebies. His voice is oddly high and I don’t know, I just can’t handle it.

I consider throwing a blanket over myself, plugging my ears and waiting for a signal to come out when it’s all over but before I can, I hear Emily say ” I have no doubt [Ricky] will want to be your best buddy.” This aggression will not stand. I know my girl Ricky Tick will not dig arie. She’s #teamsean all the way.

More kissing/talking/pretend eating/kissing occurs and it’s fantasy suite time but Mamma E doesn’t trust herself to even GO to the fantasy suite with Arie. She knows she’d have her panties dropped before they even hit the front step, so it’s night night for Arie (HALLELUJAH!) but not before one more attempt to suck the life force out of her body. BLECH.

Rose Time.

I’m going to skip over the H-to-H with CH for two reasons: 1. Because I think they’re always kind of boring and 2. Because I think CH is so much better than that. Why doesn’t he just GET REAL with Emily (or at least give her a heads up on that ponytail looking awful. Em girlfriend, you always looks amazing but tonight’s pony was RRRROUGH).

The moral of the story is that CH tells E that it’s time to get to choosing and E’s all like but I don’t want to go home! I’m having too much fun! Don’t make me stop kissing one of them! I love them all!

Wah Wah Wah.

To help her with this big decision, the dudes have made videos. They each basically proclaim their love in the way you’d expect each of them to. Moving on.

It’s time to do the damn thing but Emily “can’t even wrap my head around the fact that there are only two roses” and that I don’t get to kiss all of them anymore.

My prediction/wishful thinking is that Arie is going home. Drew thinks it’s gonna be Sean.

p.s. – who wants to do a bachelorette bracket next season?

Roses go to:

  • Jef

Side note: The other two dudes are like “Yikes a million we totes thought Jef was going home.” And then it happens….

  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which you know clearly means, Arie.

And just like that CH pops out from behind a bush and is all “Hit the Road Jack” to Sean.

Emily walks him out while Jef and Arie stand there and stare at each other, wondering whose shoes are nerdier.

I can’t look… just go.

This goodbye is awkward city. I wanted to call it a night early and just cut out cause it was making me ALL kinds of uncomfortable ESPECIALLY with the chirping noise in the background (tell me it didn’t sound like the heart monitors at the hospital). But then I thought about all the chicks Sean is going to get between now and his season on The Bachelor and I didn’t feel so bad.

For some reason Emily starts crying and Sean finally decides to leave. Props to Sean for keeping it together, not sounding like an idiot and not crying awkwardly into the camera.

Welp, it’s official friends. Emily officially has horrible taste in guys.

So what did you all think of last night’s LACK of fantasy suites? Are you happy with Emily’s decision or like me have you given up hope?

Men Tell All Next Week! Until then… stay tuned!

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Bring it on Home: The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

Oh Hometowns, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.

Seriously, I think I count down to hometowns every season. I love getting a sneak peek into where these creeps come from. (Okay, okay I take it back. They’re not all creeps but who knows, their families may be.)

Emily is excited about the home towns you know, since she’s SUPER excited about every moment she’s spent being filmed on her quest for love.

“Just stock the fridge with more cookies and go find me a daddy!”

But before the journey can continue, we’re back in Charlotte to catch up with our girl Ricki Tick (maybe that’s what’s been missing the last few episodes). Ricki, who it appears has been left alone to make crafts for her long-lost momma the last couple weeks, is hype to see Emily. This is mildly heartwarming until I see that no one has taken out the braids she got in Aruba. (no really, has she been alone this whole time.) Seems like all Emily needs to refresh (before hitting the road on another extended vacation) is a girl’s slumber party with her top chick Ricki Tick. But before these crazy gals head to bed, Emily locks up, forgetting that she already let the bad guys (you pick: producers, the sweaty camera crew, America, 25 eligible and slightly unhinged bachelors) inside and it looks like they’re spending the night on her living room couch. Wouldn’t want us to miss a minute of Bachelorette action.

p.s. – I’m skipping the recap montages since they’re all full of tongue kissing, picnic dates and street strolling. (Oh and Jef skateboards. I forgot about that.)

My kind of town. Chicago is…

We’re in the windy city on Chris’ farewell date (let’s not pretend that he’s making it any farther). Chris is back, in an outfit he stole from Mr. Rodgers, ready to win Emily’s affection (aw, it’s sweet to have dreams).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Chris creeps me out. Something about his smile, serious tan and the anxious combo of nodding and shoulder shrugging. Despite that, he’s made it this far. Props to you Chris.

After the most predictable surprise, it’s time for Chris and Emily to explore Chicago (and yes, we’ve done this date 3453453453 times already). Here’s the deal: Chicago is awesome. One of the coolest cities with literally hundreds of things to do at any one time. Museums, the waterfront, really great public art, tons of interesting neighborhoods. What does Chris do with Emily – he takes her to a dumpy polish restaurant. REALLY DUDE? REALLY?

But Chris “on a scale of 1 to 10 Polish is Polish” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?) so we’re forced to see Emily avoid all food in a crummy dive bar. Add to this that their entire conversation goes as follows:

Chris: “I’m so excited you’re here”

Emily: “I’m so happy and excited to be here.”

RINSE & REPEAT.

Kill me now.

Then to break up the monotony Emily asks “We’re going to see your family today right?” Come on Emily, act like you’ve done this before. It;s HOMETOWNS. Of course you’re meeting his family. Gah, is it time for Jef’s date yet?

So Chris breaks down the fam. Dad will love her (cause she’s hot), Mom will love her (cause she’s a hot mom), his sister will hate her (because she’s a hot mom on a reality TV show).

Before heading home, Chris comments wistfully – “I think we’d have a fantastic life here.” I don’t know what’s sadder – that he used the word fantastic in a sentence or that he legitimately think he has a shot with Emily, let alone getting her to move to Charlotte (ain’t happening bro).

Emily heads over to meet the folks who are not what I expect at all. John, Rose, Renee and Teresa seem normal and nice (that is HIGH praise on this show). Dinner is served and it’s appropriately fashioned like The Last Supper (you know, since they’ll never see each other again).

After a meal where no one actually eats, it’s time for some serious convos. Dad’s up first and he gives us his behind the scenes insight on his boy, Chris. “Christopher is a great guy. He’s a great great guy.” Welp, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks John.

Other than John’s teal shirt and visible gold chain I love him (or maybe I love him because of those things). Same with momma Rose. The sisters are a little bitchy but let’s be real – we’d all be bitchy as hell if our brother brought home a reality TV contestant who’s been tongue kissing 15 dudes on rotation.

The most fun Emily’s Had All Day

Renee asks Emily to let Chris go sooner rather than later if she doesn’t think he’s the right guy for her. Clearly, a sign of things to come.

Before it’s on to the next one, Chris pulls Emily outside to tell her he loves her (WHY WHY WHY?) and then finishes the date the best way he knows – with polish dancing and cheap carnations (hey, it works with all the girls in Chicago).

Won’t you take me to Mormon Town.

Ah Utah, the least funky place ever.

So it’s time to get down with Jef who grows on me more and more each episode. We’re at Jef’s family ranch and we’re all thinking what Emily is, “Woah Nelly. who knew that Jef was so rich?” Apparently whatever Mormon business Jef’s parentals are in pays really really well.

Jef greets Emily with the ever so manly, ” You look like really really cute.” Oh Jef, you’re like the younger, valley girl sister I never had.

But I take back any mean things as soon as Jef tells Emily she’s going for a dune buggy ride. Nice work Jef. It appears that Jef realized that the producers were never going to let him do anything but sip wine and stroll through quaint city streets. So Jef has upped the ante on hometowns. We’re gonna buggy around his GIANT ranch and then do a little skeet shooting. I applaud you Jef with one F.

p.s. – Who would have EVER thought Jef would be the one to host this kind of date?

Skeet shooting is a big hit (no pun intended) with Jef dominating the skeet. “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot?” I couldn’t have said it better myself Emily.

She stands on the side acting all scared and meek before grabbing the shot gun and going all Lara Croft on those clay pigeons. “I take gun lessons as home,” Emily says (leaving out the part about arming herself to keep Brad Womack away at all costs).

p.s. – Drew points out that Jef is left-handed. Well of course he is.

After a  quick picnic (which on this show means chugging a bottle of wine on a printed blanket), it’s time to meet the family. Except Jef’s parents won’t be there. A blue million other family members will be on hand but the parentals are in South Carolina – which must be where they send really rich Mormon missionaries (it’s why Romney is in Massachusetts).

So Jef has a big family. Like too many brothers and sisters for me to keep track of. The dudes are all meh and the girls are all kinda hotties. The whole gathering has a Big Love vibe and I wonder if they are legit sisters or many be just sister wives.

Emily sits down with his sisters and they try to give her the business on the dealio with Jef. They ask if she’s in love with Jef and she shrugs cryptically since we all know she’s contractually not allowed to say the L-word on TV (Side Note, can we institute that ban for the dudes as well?). In the end, Em wins the ladies over. “I feel like Emily is just like us,” you know, rich and blonde.

Jef clearly doesn’t want her to spend too much time with the fam, so he whisks her out of there and off to a canyon where he can declare his love. So I have a confession to make: I think I like Jef now.

With this kiss, I thee wed.

I know, I know. I’ve been a serious hater but just like Ames before him, he has slowly won me over with his goofy charm and odd style. I’m even still on board with him after he commits the cardinal sin of SE: reading a letter aloud.

The letter, while a little long and a lot corny, seemed genuine and sincere (well, except for that part about teaching Ricky how to play sports. Come on buddy! We all know the only sport you could teach her is soccer).

Emily is smitten. I never thought she would pick Jef but the look in her eyes when she’s around him is pretty serious. I think he has a legit chance at being the winner. (Cause this is a game, duh.)

“That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Emily proclaims before going in for a kiss.

p.s. – I also like Jef because unlike Arie, his kisses aren’t full of unnecessary sound effects. Clearly he can kiss without sounding like a leaky faucet.

Speaking of Arie….

A Race Against Time

We’re in Arizona, ready to get our race on with Arie. I’m  personally ready to take a 20 minute break from the show since it pains me to watch him fill up my television screen with his big, loud kissing, lips.

“Arie definitely looks stupid hot” Emily says. And I agree – he looks stupid and it must be hot in that giant suit.

Anyways, Arie decides to take Emily for a spin in his race car (doesn’t that just sound dirty) and as they drive I finally come to a conclusion about what bugs me about Arie. More specifically his lips. He definitely is on Accutane. Think about it.

Now that I’ve come to one conclusion, I’m ready to come to the conclusion that this love will not last (no matter how many David Gray songs you play).

These two crazy kids head off to a random park to pre-drink for the family dinner. This is clearly necessary since Arie is having a panic attack before our eyes, worrying about whether his mom will physically assault Emily over dinner. There’s no clear reason given but it just sounds like Arie’s mom must be a total bitch.

Our assumptions are confirmed when we see Momma Mica in a snug teal satin dress she borrowed from our favorite rich girl, Chantal (gah, I miss that girl. She was material for days.) Side note: I think Arie is this season’s Chantal.

Other than mom, there’s Arie Sr. and his two little brothers (did you see the acne… Arie’s totes on Accutane). Papa Arie seems nice & cool but his Mom… yikes a million. She says one thing to Emily and then decides she’s done with her. Sorry Emily, I no longer feel it’s worthwhile for me to speak to you in English, so I am going to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible and speak in a language you have no chance of understanding.

I mean how insanely awkward was that. I thought it couldn’t get worse and then Dad chimes in, “They’re talking about you.” Oh great. It must be wonderful if you can’t even say it in my native tongue. It’s clearly awkward but NOT NOBODY stops it.

Arie opines later, “It’s kind of awkward when everyone’s speaking in dutch.” Um yeah, so why didn’t you stop?

Arie’s mom follows up that warm welcome with an invitation to go out back and disappear. Em politely declines and they settle on a random bedroom for an in-depth convo. I’m able to make out that Mica wants to know why Emily is whoring it up on national tv again since she already watched her do it once before. Emily says something in English that Momma Arie clearly doesn’t understand and it’s back to the guys.

Arie and Papa Arie sit down and little A tells dad that Emily has all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman. This is code for – she has a huge rack, is super skinny, hot and blonde.  Dad agrees and gives his blessing on their unlikely union.

We’re forced to sit through one more excruciatingly loud, sloppy wet kiss before Arie says “I am going to marry Emily.” Yeah, well chances are you won’t.

The Big D

Last but certainly not least is Sean. Emily thinks Sean is perfect. No really, she does. Like every single thing about him is just perfect. So perfect. His dogs are perfect, our life would be perfect, his pecs are perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

In Chicago, all Emily said was she was excited to be there. Well, in Dallas, all we’re going to hear about is perfect Sean. Prepare accordingly.

Sean and his perfect dogs meet Emily for some fun park time. This park is perfect, the dogs behave perfectly and she could imagine Ricki picking perfect weeds flowers from this perfect field.

One perfect boring picnic date later, it’s time to meet the parents.

WOOF!

Side note: Did you all experience the massive SE we did when Sean’s tongue escapes from his mouth and into Emily’s during that seriously SLOW kiss? Drew hide under the blanket while my body tried to fight the urge to just shut down. GROSS. But really, how weird are tongues? And how weird is it that they touch other tongues when kissing? It’s like a weird alien probing another person. I get the heebs just thinking about it.

We’re at Sean’s perfect parents house (which is pretty sweet) with his perfect family. We meet his niece and nephew, Kensington & Smith Attorneys at Law. Not gonna hate though, Kensington’s cottage was pretty nice. I’d move into that place for sure.

Emily’s ready to move in when Sean says he has some news to break. Ruh roh.

“I’m nervous…” Sean says as his family bows their head in shame. “I still live here.” Emily’s all “What the What” while trying to act calm and not run the F out there. I’m experiencing some insane secondary embarrassment at this point.

It only gets worse when Sean escorts Emily upstairs to show her the living quarters. Stuffed animals, crumbs and clothes are everywhere and I imagine Emily is having the most extreme panic attack.

“I’m kind of a mess. I wish my mom had picked things up,” Sean says to which Emily replies, “It’s okay… I can clean.”

Just before she turns and sprints back to Charlotte (and before I jump behind my couch to hide under it for the forseeable future), Sean’s all “GOTCHA!”

But wait, I thought you loved to clean.

“Ha ha” Sean says, “you all thought I wasn’t perfect but I totally am.”

Post joke it’s all fun and family time and Emily clearly digs it. I’d try to be snarky but his family seems genuinely nice and I’m beginning to get on the perfect train (as long as I don’t think about the kissing).

When it’s time to head out, one tongue probe isn’t enough and Sean chases down her fleet of black SUV’s to steal one more open mouth kiss for the road.

Rose Time:

Malibu Barbie is in the house ready to narrow down her Ken’s to three. (Sean’s got this one in the bag.)

Malibu Barbie – Set Comes Complete with 12 roses and enough sparkly dresses to last a lifetime of play.

After a fireside chat with our dude CH, it’s time to choose.

Who will be the one to go? My prediction – Chris.

Roses go to…

  • Arie.
  • Jef.

Down to Sean & Chris. Totes Chris going home.

  • Sean.

Little baby Chris is going home, just like his sister predicted/told Emily to do. He’s a big ball of nervous nodding and shaking. A couple bro hugs and then it’s time for the awkward walk out.

Emily takes Chris on his walk of shame, while the remaining three dudes stare at each other, attempting not to punch each other for kissing “my girl.”

Emily should be glad she let this ship sail because Chris has a serious temper. “I’m honestly shocked,” he says as he stares her down, fighting the urge to choke her. No but really, he is kind of scary aggressive. He grills Emily who does that weird nervous tick thing where she runs her tongue over her teeth.

Production escorts Chris away while Emily returns to her remaining suitors.

“She made me a believer again… in falling in love.” Chris opines. “I loved the girl and I thought she loved me back.” Sorry Charlie.

This is all juxtaposed with the remaining crew doing a big ole toast to chasing love in Curacao. Hey, you may not get the girl but you’ll get one more trip!

Back to Angry Chris who I’m hoping is the newest addition to Bachelor Pad. That temper will be gold on that show!

What did you think about this week’s episode? Are you disappointed that my writing skills have deteriorated under the boredom of Emily Maynard? Who is your favorite? How excited are you for Bachelor Pad?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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