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“An Act of Bravery” or How I Survived The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 6

First off, I have to apologize about my one week hiatus. For some reason I’m having trouble with this season. I definitely LIKE this season more than the past two but the secondary embarrassment just doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Emily is just a little too aware that she’s on television. That coupled with the lack of hot tubs, helicopters and rappelling has led to a somewhat luke warm season. I’m definitely enjoying it but it’s not the embarrassment of riches it’s been in the past.

But enough with the excuses. It’s Bachelorette time and I’m back in the game.

Just move a little to the right Ryan. Yup, that’s perfect.

It’s montage time, you know, just in case this is your first time watching this show (does that happen anymore, do people just now start getting into The Bachelorette/Bachelor?). The past few weeks have been full of muscles, sparse tongue kissing and lots of under the blanket cuddles. But now it’s time to get serious. Which on this show means that the remaining 8 guys all confess that they are, indeed, falling in love with Emily. Well, all of them except Ryan. He’s way too busy falling in love with himself.

As Emily walks the streets of Croatia, we learn that little Ricky has finally headed back to the states. We’ll miss her but I proclaim out loud “Behold! The return of the hot tub is nigh!” (sorry that was weird, I’ve been reading WAY too much Game of Thrones lately.)

The guys sail in to Croatia which means we miss out on any of their boisterous home made travel videos (Awwwww Maaaannnn!). And right on cue, we cut to Jef saying, “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.” Now I know I harp on this every season, but REALLY? He had to be reading off cue cards right? I mean, at least 3 people say that every season about (insert random locale here). I let it slide for Bali, Tahiti and Paris but Croatia REALLY? It appears that for contestants of this show, the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly would also be a perfect place to fall in love. You know, as long as a production crew is following them around.

I finally take a deep breath in time to see Emily walk in to their swanky apartment. Em’s in the house to deliver the date card and the excitement among the bros is palpable.

All that excitement just to find out the date card goes to…. Travis (aka this guy from Rascal Flatts).

I dare you to tell me they’re not brothers.

As Travis throws on his cleanest plaid button down (hopefully no snaps), Emily tells us that she is super excited to go on a date with Travis. That has got to be a lie. I’m thinking she’s using this as a day to do some sightseeing and pick up some souvenirs for the Ricky, the babysitter and the Hendricks family before sending Travis home before dinner.

But Travis has no clue and is as excited as ever. “We’re going to have a GREAT day!” he proclaims as I cringe at the thought of what’s to come.

Southern Fish out of Water Ya’ll aka I forgot what the date card said.

It’s time to follow these two southerners “ya’ll” their way through Croatia. Travis thinks this date is going to be great especially because he and Emily have so much in common. (Sorry I have to do this again…) Really Travis? Name one thing you have in common. Okay you’re both from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Name one more. Okay okay, you’re both blonde. Name another. That’s fine, I’ll wait.

By the time I’ve focused back on the screen, Emily has devised some faux-cultural scheme aimed at getting Travis to take off his shirt and show us what’s lurking beneath that plaid. It’s a wall where you’re supposed to hold yourself up while taking off your shirt. (That’s gotta be fake, right?) Travis gives it the old college try except he doesn’t. He stands up there and then doesn’t even attempt to unsnap his shirt.

Emily is kinda miffed and I understand. We all really wanted to know if there was a six-pack or a pair of pepperoni nipples under there. I guess we’ll never know.

Back at the hotel-motel (side note, that place looks Real Nice!), the guys sit around and talk about Travis. I’m not listening but rather trying to figure out what Ryan is wearing. Is that a wife-beater worn the wrong way? Why is it shaped like that? Anyways… this whole break is just another chance for the producers to show America how supreme a douche Ryan really is. I’m thinking they asked him to wear the tank top like that. And if so… well played, Mike Fleiss. Well played.

What am I wearing? (Image: BuddyTv)

And we’re back in the friend zone. After picking up some trinkets for all her friends and family (including her new bestie Dolly Parton), Emily and Travis sit down for a “romantic” dinner. I put romantic in quotes because this is about the least romantic dinner I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched a lot of this show.

Travis spills the beans about going into seclusion since he broke off his engagement two years ago. Yes, for the past two years he’s stayed in, played video games, ordered pizza and gelled his hair…. alone. This kinda freaks Emers out and I echo her thoughts when she says, “TRAAAAAAAAA VIIIIS!?!?!?” (I echo those thoughts even though I have no idea what they mean. Just go with it.)

Before the heartbreak sits in (p.s. – you think he’ll call up his Rascal Flatts bro and give him some  thoughts for a new break up tune? Could be a hit.) we’re back with the bros, ready to find out who’s going on the group date and which lucky dude gets some solo time with their chick. John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie will find out that dating requires bravery. This means that we’re all doomed to at losing at least 20 minutes of our lives watching Ryan parade his douchebaggery around national television.

Back at dinner, it’s rose time. Emily does that horrible thing where she picks up the rose, spends a full minute telling the guy how great they are before dropping the biggest BUT. I cringe and hide behind my laptop as Travis’ face goes from excitement and hope to disappointment and sorrow. Emily tells him they just can’t escape the dreaded friend zone and that she’ll give him a call next time she’s in Charlotte so they can get together and drink some Cheerwine while catching up on NASCAR action.

(Hey Travis, look on the bright side. You may be able to get in good with Wendy or her sassy Indian friend if you can stay besties.)

Sorry Travis can’t keep it together and kind of falls apart when the producers ask all those prodding questions about “finding love” and “being worth it.” Don’t cry Travis. No seriously, don’t cry. It makes you look weird.

And just like that, it’s Group Date time!

Dating Requires Bravery with John, Jef, Chris, Sean, Doug and Arie.

So I’d almost forgotten about the ole movie date. You know the one. It’s when they do the biggest blatant cross-promotion and pan it off as a date. This time it’s Disney Pixar’s newest film Bravery. And how appropriate that we get a kiddie movie for Emily’s season.  Not like that Anna Faris movie, where she played a slut trying to find all the guys she’d slept with before, that we got to watch on Brad’s (or was it Ben’s) season.

The guys suffer through the movie by insulting each other and giving one another nougie’s while Emily gazes longingly into the screen, wishing she were just as brave as the animated red-head.

The lights go up and it’s time for the challenge portion of the date (you may remember on Brad’s season this was usually who could get their body into their bikini and their tongue into his throat fastest). The guys will be competing in the Highland challenge. Basically, they have to dress up and do some random tasks…. I Like it!

Just to make them feel even more out-of-place, they give them some skirts and make them ride donkeys. Gah, I love this show.

This date is basically a chance for us to see who is the strongest. Also who has the best legs (Jef, duh). Oh and who is the best at riding a donkey (my money’s on Chris).

Hey Guys! I want to play in the starring contest toooooo!!!!

The challenges are archery, throwing this giant log and an old-fashioned (no really, like medieval times) tug-o-war. Sean (obviously) kills it at everything. The rest of the guys range from good to meh (Doug – good, John & Arie – so so, Jef – meh) and then there’s Chris. Well, he is HORRIBLE. Like embarrassingly, can’t watch miserable. When he totally missed the target on archery I hide under my blanket for a full minute. IT. WAS. BAD.

Luckily for him, Emily finds his lack of skill, talent or muscle power endearing and gives him the Bravery cup. To which the rest of the guys respond in unison, “Say WHAAAA?” Emily spews more lies when she says, “I don’t care about big muscles.” Yeah, that is just not true.

Either way, Sean knows that the cup is just for bravery and not for sheer muscle mass and strength cause he would have had that in spades. I mean, he broke that giant log. And Emily couldn’t even hide that she was digging it. “It was impressive.” She says smirking while sipping on her hot toddy.

After the Highland Cup it’s the after-party and after the party it’s the hotel lobby… sorry, I got a little carried away there.

So it’s time for the group to get all liquored up and ready to tongue kiss and cuddle (with Emily… not with each other. I’m looking at you Jef.)

Sean’s up first and I half wish he’d just pick her up and carry her to prove (once again) how freaking strong he is. Huge bummer when he doesn’t and instead just waxes poetic about how much he likes her. She tells him that he has nothing to worry about and they open-mouth kiss. Boring.

Next up is Jef aka this season’s Ames (i haven’t forgotten you buddy). I want to dislike Jef but I can’t. Probably because in my head, I consider him an 8-year-old boy. Despite the hair, the overly sensitive tone of voice and his inexplicable style, I don’t dislike him. At the very least, he’s different from the rest of the lookalikes left on the show.They snuggle and Emily gives him a hard time for not kissing him sooner (it was his FIRST KISS – give the kid a break!). End scene.

It’s on to Arie who I used to love but now rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies. So imagine the insanely awful secondary embarrassment I had when he slams her up against the wall and tongue kisses her (oh gah, just writing it and thinking about the slurping sounds makes me want to crawl under my desk) with the loudest slurping sounds ever. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I actually yell at the TV as my skin crawls.

I know some of you probably love Arie but I had a distinct turning point a couple of weeks ago and there’s just something off there. I can’t deal.

Back at the crib, Ryan sits around complementing himself and plucking his toe hairs. He’s interrupted from his 3-hour pre-bed routine when the date card arrives. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t immediately return to teh group date but instead are forced to watch Ryan utter this phrase out loud, “I wake up each day, look in the mirror and say to myself – who do you want to be today.” Kill me now.

Last but certainly not least (well yes, least in terms of muscle mass) is Chris. Chris is a SE smorgasbord. The combo of his mannerisms, words and awkward facial expressions make me want to crawl into the one-inch space between my couch and the floor. This awfulness once again wins Emily over and she leaps up to grab the rose for him. (WHAAAT???? I yell from the crawl space.)

The dudes share my bewilderment and just like that, we’re done here.

Ryan – The world is our oyster.

So here’s the deal friends. This part is going to be short. I cannot stand Ryan. Not in the way I can’t stand how embarrassing some of these guys are but in the way that I would consider hitting him if he walked in front of me in the cross walk (kidding, guys I swear).

Emily shows up and plops down on the couch next to Ryan. This is where the two share a painfully awkward conversation while the guys watch (and judge). S**t gets awkward quick.

When they finally get up to leave, the guys share the painful SE they all just experienced. For once, I feel like I have something in common with these bros. “My skin was crawling” says Wolfman. You and me both buddy. You and me both.

So we’re on the date and from the looks of it, it appears that Emily dislikes Ryan as much as every other living human does (well, except for Ryan himself).

These two crazy kids head off on a road trip with Ryan behind the wheel. I cannot contain my amusement as EVERY SINGLE CAR honks and gives Ryan the finger (okay, maybe I made up that last part. Wishful thinking.) By the time they make it to the fishing boat, Ryan has already said the words “Trophy Wife” at least two times. If you drank every time you heard it on this date, it would have been hard to crawl out of bed this morning.

They head off on the sea for some oysters and Ryan says some more insulting and condescending things to Emily while simultaneously complementing himself at every opportunity. I contemplate fast-forwarding just to get through this awfulness.

Instead I sit through it and wonder out loud why Ryan shaves his beard like that. Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention it earlier but the dudes informed us that he also shaves his legs, arms and ear hair every day. BLECH.

More trophy wife talk with this line, “She is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and I’m pretty sure I have a good shot at it being mine.” Why oh Why did she not push him overboard?

Now it’s time for the dinner portion. If you thought it was going to be more of Ryan talking about himself, you’d be right. He even prepared a list of 12 things he’s looking for in a wife during his free time last night. On the list:  beautiful, a servant to her family (REALLY? REALLY? What year is this?), someone who catches his eye and a sexy personality.

Thankfully, when it comes time for the rose, Emily finally realizes that Ryan is the biggest schmuck and decides NOT to give him the rose. HALLELUJAH.

Our shouts of joy quickly turn to rage as Ryan will not get up and go wallow in his defeat. Instead, he gets a little defensive with Emily. Telling her “he’s shocked” and that she’s making a bad decision. Um, Ryan – this is single-handedly the best decision Emily has made all season. Get up and LEAVE NOW!

Once again, he remains and glares at her in the most awkward way possible, trying to force her to give him the rose. Isn’t there a Bachelorette Bouncer? You know some giant dude that can come and carry the guy off to his taxi so we don’t have to watch this shiz.

And just like that, the minute we’d all been waiting for is here. Ding dong the witch is dead! Ryan is gone. Clearly he’s shocked but this obviously opens up his schedule to be on Bachelor Pad where he will hook up with desperate girls and attempt (but fail miserably) to win $125K. “I’ve been blessed with many worldly gifts… ” Ryan says as American gives a collective eye roll. Save it for Bachelor Pad buddy.

When the guys back at the hotel see Ryan’s bag being pulled out the door, they erupt into cheers “HooRay!” and I can’t help but wish I was there to high-five them.

ZOOM OUT! ZOOM OUT! (Image: BuddyTv)

Before we can get to the rose ceremony though, Arie pulls a Courtney and surprises Emily with a visit. And by visit, I mean an opportunity to do some heavy petting without the other guys around. He blabbers on about caring about her feelings before going in for some loud, slurping kisses. I can’t bear to watch and instead talk with Drew about how awkward it must be for the camera man. You know it’s some 300 lb sweaty white guy with a headset being ordered to ‘ZOOM IN MORE.’ I can see his head shaking in disgust as he zooms in on their game of tonsil hockey. Okay, enough. I can’t even write about it anymore.

Moral of the story: Emily tells Arie he’s going to get a rose.

Rose Ceremony Time

It’s party time and Emily looks awesome. I think this may be my favorite of the dresses she’s worn (I know, I know, you don’t care).

Doug & the Wolf are on the chopping blocks so Emily settles in for some one-on-one time with them. Wolf shares the story of his grandparents love before shedding some baby tears which open up the way for him to move in for a kiss. Still not sure if he’ll hang around but a worthy effort on his part.

Next up is Doug. Doug Doug Doug. I wasn’t really prepared for all the crying. Truth be told, I zoned out when they were talking only to be brought back by the sound of his sobs.

There are no words to describe what happened, so instead I’ll let you watch. Be forewarned, it is BAD.

Dougy fresh misses his little boy BIG TIME. Like BIG TIME. I can understand that but maybe he should save those tears for some solo time in his hotel room. NOT NOT NOT in front of the cameras. Doug, one day your son will get older and his friends will discover You Tube and they’ll see this. Oh the embarrassment.

Back at the gathering, the dudes sit around and talk about how they’ve all tongue kissed the same girl… in the last five minutes.

And just like that it’s rose time.

Chris has a rose (BUMMER). The other roses go to…

  • Sean
  • Jef
  • Arie

and….wait what? Emily just up and leaves. She runs down CH and let’s him know that she’s having trouble. So wait, she’s not going to give the rose to either… NAH… gotcha! False drama.  She gives them both a rose!

Doug and Wolfman got to turn those serious frowns upside down. The entire group date gives a sigh of relief and we’re out!

p.s. Raise your hand if you thought wolf would still be here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Next up is Prague. (You know, another perfect place to fall in love.) The previews look good though. It appears our boy Arie has been hiding something! Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

What were your thoughts on last night’s episode? What do you think of Emily? Most importantly – How happy are you that Ryan is gone!?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Kissing Frogs with Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 2 Recap

I have high hopes for this season. And having the Muppets on the second episode could either be a brilliant way up the secondary embarrassment ante or it could be an early life vest meant to save us from the boredom that this cast of guys appears to be.

I’m going to look on the bright side, mostly because Fozzie is going to make an appearance. What can I say, I’m a huge Fozzie fan.

(ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled episode for BREAKING NEWS! Emily is filming in Charlotte, North Carolina. Did you all get that? Cause if not, there are helicopters circling above hunting Emily and her man candy’s every move. For Action News, I’m Ricky Bobby.

She may be a big news story but all Emily really needs after a stressful night of meeting, drinking with and ultimately kicking off a bunch of hot (-ish) dudes is a Mommy’s day out at the park. Hold the phone. I know Emily is a young mommy but she’s got to be able to find some Mom friends under the age of 40. Emily, I’m 28. I have a kid. Call me. We’ll hang out.

But enough of that. There’s a house full of dudes not paying attention to Chris Harrison. (What the what is happening around here? Why aren’t people snapping to attention the moment CH strolls into the house? Blasphemy.)

Since these guys don’t appear to be the sharpest knives in the drawer, CH is forced to give them a detailed break down of how the show works. “Some guys get individual dates, some guys get group dates, some guys get no dates…” seems easy enough and you’d think these guys would have watched an episode before packing but hey, who am I to judge.

The group thanks Chris in unison (there’s a little of the respect this man deserves) and someone remarks, “things just got real.” Truth.

First up: “Ryan, be my King in the Queen City.”

Emily gets creativity points for actually being clever in her first date card (but it’s early and I don’t want to get our hopes up). Ryan flexes his muscles, fixes his hair and throws on his favorite burn-out, v-neck tee. You’re right unnamed dude, “things just got real.”

Emily is excited to go on a date with Ryan but nervous because he’s “crazy good-looking” and the last “crazy good-looking” dude she dated was Brad (WOOF – these are her words, not mine). Let’s hope that these Brad references are few & far between. (A girl can dream.)

So Ryan’s all hyped up, wondering what the producers have in store for the first date. Rappelling (a personal favorite), helicopters, jets, sports cars?  Nope, we’re taking the SUV to Emily’s home to do a little baking. (Not gonna lie, baking chocolate chip cookies doesn’t sound bad at all) Turns out Emily really is a soccer mom and it’s her turn to bring snack to practice.

Ryan can’t hide his viable disappointment but he puts on a brave face and a frilly apron and gets to baking.

A batch of cookies and few sliced oranges (p.s. – both looked delicious) and it’s time to drop off those goodies for the girlies. Unfortunately for Ryan, he’s not allowed to meet little Ricky yet so he sits in the parking lot like a huge creeper while Betty Crocker delivered the goods.

No officer, I swear I’m just waiting for my, errr, girlfriend.

Back at the pool, the guys are talking about the star of the show. They debate whether Ricky will really like any of them (doubtful at best) and who’s abs are the best (too early to choose).

Now that her Mommy dearest duties are done for the day, it’s time to party. Which means they’re off to Chuckie Cheese! PSYCH!

While I think Emily would be totally cool with pizza and a regular coke (yeah, right), the producers won’t allow for anymore of this normalcy (read: boring). So it’s off to dinner & a surprise.

They arrive at the restaurant and it’s surrounded by a swarm of fans (“Charlotte’s just a little city” um, no it’s not. It may not be LA or NYC but c’mon it’s a seriously large metropolitan area. Enough of this country bumpkin rouse.) You’d think with a roped off crowd outside that there would at least be a few other people inside. Nope. It’s empty, just like Emily’s belly at the end of the meal.

During Ryan & Emily’s overly familiar first date convo, I tune out and instead get into a twitter convo with one of my most favorite Bachelorette bloggers – possessionista. This ranks right up there with Mike Fleiss and Ames Brown in terms of my fave twitter responses. (Check it out.)

And I’m back, just in time to hear them mention kids, family and life together. What about pizza toppings, bands you hate and sounds that make you want to pull out your hair (okay, maybe those aren’t great first date topics either but at least it doesn’t involve reproductive parts). Either way, he snags the rose all while wooing sassy southern Emily out. I wanted their conversation about “the chase” to be cute, I did, but all it did was make me feel mildly uncomfortable.

Emily (aka The Producers) couldn’t let the date end this way so they pull a signature move out of the playbook – the concert. It’s a special concert surprise! Well, that’s if you consider Gloriana special (ps – where was the blond girl who used to have the show on MTV?). Gotta love the up and coming artist serenade. There’s only one thing more embarrassingly awkward than being serenaded and that’s being serenaded in the middle of a mob of camera phones on a floating stage. Yup, that happened.

They dance and talk about how “surreal” it all is which leads me to believe an open mouth kiss is imminent. Unfortunately for us all, there is no slobber swap to put a proper end to the date.

Group Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Johm, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Eric, Stevie and Kalan. “Let’s set the stage for love.”

Oh Kermie, Why can’t you come on the group date with us? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Kalan comes out strong with the first douchey date comment, “I embrace the stage.” Yeah, of course you do. Along with expensive face cream, overpriced lip injections and uni-sex fragrances.

Moving on, it’s time to hit your mark (as Emily so obviously does upon walking on to the stage). Thankfully for us all, there is a surprise…. The Muppets! I mean, c’mon we know someone had to save us from the impending doom that is watching these guys “perform.” And if it has to be the most loveable puppets around (no, not you Ames), then so be it.

The guys split up into groups to practice their routines (although after 10 minutes of this date I still had little to no idea what kind of “show” this is). Some will sing (?), some will dance (?), some will tell jokes (?). All the while, Emily will look insanely gorgeous and play the role of “Seriously Adorable Leading Lady.”

Two highlights from the practice session: Tony’s Kermit impersonation and Fozzie’s appearance. God, I love Fozzie bear.

But Fozzie’s triumphant return to the small screen is interrupted by Charlie’s overwhelming fear of public speaking. Does he have a stutter (don’t act like you weren’t thinking that at home)?

This semi-serious moment is corroborated by a look-in at the guys back at the Casa de Douche discussing Charlie’s accident. It’s like watching a guy version of The Hills.

Charlie freaks out and tells Emily there’s no way he can tell jokes about Muppets on stage tonight. Like the sweet angel she is, Emily totally understands. Thankfully, Charlie doesn’t totally b**ch out and offers to take a part in whatever the other two groups are doing (again, is it singing, dancing, acting? so confused).

It’s show time and Bruno Mars, I mean Jef, is super pumped about performing with Kermit. Hit it!

The show mainly consists of Emily wearing cute outfits and swaying to the beat while Kermit and Miss Piggy run around her which, I’m totally cool with. The guys sing (if you want to call it that), dance (if you want to call it that) and tell jokes (if you want to call them that). The definite highlight was Chris Harrsion sitting in for Waldo, well that and Fozzie Bear.

It’s the Muppets! (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

The performance closes with Little Ricky taking the stage (well of course she does, she’s the real star of this show) to sing “Rainbow Connection” with Kermit. The guys all “Oooh” and “Ahhh” over how cute and precious Ricky is while she shoots them death stares in between cute shrugs.

On to the drinking portion of the group date.

It’s time to up the ante (and their BAC) and enjoy a little cocktail hour.

First up, Chicago Chris. I’m not overly enthused although I find him far more appealing than half the guys so let’s see what happens. Drew on the other hand is already ruling him out, “You’re not gonna cut it bud. She’s from CaroooolIIIIInaaaah and she’s definitely not dating some Yankee.” (In case you’re wondering, my husband isn’t a total redneck, only a partial one although judging from that statement the red part may be growing.)

Emily digs Chris cause he’s cute and not showy which in television terms means he’s pretty boring.

Onto Jef, who for some reason Emily REALLY digs. Emily is all self-conscious wondering why Jef hasn’t been picking up what she’s been putting down so far. They both blush as they awkwardly talk about how much they like each other. I hide under the sofa cushions and wonder out loud how Jef managed to escape from One Direction.

In other news, Kalan continues to be creepy, Stevie defies the odds and is still on the show and Aaron is still wearing those hipster science nerd glasses.

But it’s bed time and Emily is through with this nonsense so she slips the rose to Jef and gets out of dodge.

End Scene.

One Night Only: Joe “Come close to my heart.”

Emily is excited for her date with Joe who she thinks looks like Matthew McConaughey. Um Emily, please. He is James Van Der Beek’s long-lost twin.
Anyways, Joe is hype for the date and dons his best plaid shirt since he’s done his research and knows she’s a sucker for a dopey guy in plaid.

He arrives at the airport and you know his mind is racing thinking of all the amazing places they could be heading. Instead, she bursts that bubble with a surprise trip to West Virginia. “Ahhhh Mannnn.”

But Joe gets it together and after a quick stare at Emily in that dress, gets as excited as anyone has ever been to go to West Virginia.

Emily tells Joe she’s taking him to the Greenbrier, a lovely resort where she spent a lot of time growing up. (Really? I’m not buying the whole Greenbrier bit. I’m thinking they came there once on family vacation but who’s to say.)It’s also where she got her “first makeover.”  (I can’t make this stuff up.)

They spend the day wandering around, swimming in the old indoor pool and getting dressed up.

Emily thinks Joe is dreamy and I think Joe is high. But enough about that, it’s dinner time.

Even that guy has secondary embarrassment.

Quick dance break. Back at the sausage factory, the guys sit around the pool and flex. Between sets, Kalan and Doug get into a fight about being a dad. I’m only half paying attention but it boils down to Kalan acting like a dick (obviously) and Doug getting super pissed and really protective of his role as a Dad. Get used to this story line people, it’s definitely going to be a reoccurring one.

Joe sneaks in a quick hit and is ready for an evening with the lovely E. The dinner conversation is painful at best and heinously awkward at worst. Joe treats the date convo like a business meeting he didn’t prepare for and throws out so much jargon I can’t follow his train of thought.

Emily tries to get things back on track by telling him about the love clock and how people put their wishes into it (what, so weird). It seems like at this point she knows that she’s going to get rid of Joe but still makes him go through the process of writing out his feelings for her to place in the clock. As he talks about coming back with Ricky Tick and Emily’s parentals, the SE goosebumps set in and I have to shield my eyes from what’s about to go down.

For whom the clock tolls.

Emily is trying to let Joe down slowly but he’s all, “Is there a but coming?” (That’s what she said.) She tells him he’s not getting the rose and he gets the hell out of there. ABC, not one to put their romantic fireworks to waste, let’s them explode into the air as a representation of how this date imploded.

Side note: I’m going to need Emily to step up her game and not be so damn boring. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 30 times already – I’ve got high hopes for you Emily. Don’t let me down!

Rose Ceremony

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… some camera time for Arie. They talk about Scottsdale and he throws in some bit about loving kids. I’m not really paying attention to the words and mostly just trying to soak up his awesomeness for a couple of minutes.

Next up is Ryan, so sneaks in some time with Emily despite already having a rose. This ALWAYS is an issue and the guys are super annoyed. They all tell Tony he should go interrupt. But of course, just as he walks in Ryan presents Emily with a note. And by note, I mean 7 PAGE ESSAY (!!!!) thanking her or declaring his love or something. I thought I liked Ryan but any guy that writes SEVEN pages after one date needs to chill the f out. Either he has the biggest handwriting ever or he needs to spend more time poolside.

Tony is forced to watch on as Emily reads every, single word out loud. WOOF.

Thankfully it ends and Emily, as sweet as ever, makes a joke about the letter and thanks him for sticking around.

I’m not ready to give up on Tony just yet (for some reason I kinda like him) but the way he talks is a little annoying. Mostly the way he said he had a son and how he pronounced “TAAAYYYYLOOOOOR.” But he loves the Muppets, so he’s cool in my book.

The rest of the night includes Kalan being a tool (shocker), Stevie being semi-annoying (double shocker) and Aaron still wearing those lame old glasses.

Rose time.

Doesn’t he know he looks like an idiot in those glasses? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Ryan & Jef already have roses. Two guys going home….

  • Kalan – BOOO.
  • Arie – YES!
  • Michael
  • Nate – Never saw him this episode.
  • Shawn
  • Chris
  • Doug
  • Travis
  • Tony
  • John aka The Wolf
  • Alessandro
  • Charlie
  • Alejandro

Aaron is SO heated. I might actually care if I didn’t have to look at him in those awful glasses.

  • Stevie. WHAT THE WHAT?

How in the world did Stevie get a rose (oh i know the answer – the producers are drawing out this Stevie/Kalan battle)? Aaron and Kyle are headed home.

Kyle had some bad jokes and Aaron had those bad glasses. Sucks to be them.

Blah, blah, blah… I want to find love. Tears welling, exit to limo.

Get excited friends… next week they go to DOLLYWOOD! Oh and it looks like there’s some drama too. Double Bonus!

What did you all think of this week’s episode? Are you loving Emily? Who’s your favorite? What’s the 411? What are all the cool kids talking about? (Sorry, I couldn’t help but sneak in a Mean Girls reference.)

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Weak Sauce. The Bachelorette Season 7 Men Tell All Special

Not going to lie. The “Men Tell All” special snuck up on me this weekend. There I was enjoying a little Sunday when all of a sudden I realized, “Mother of pearl. Tonight is the Men Tell All special. Which means another chance to see Ames make weird faces and act awkward. Woo Woo!” Yup, it happened just like that.

But then about 30 minutes in, I wanted it to end. Basically the same way I feel about every episode this season – excitement followed by disappointment and boredom.

They're BAAACCCK! (ABC)

So rather than go into a detailed re-cap here are my high and low lights:

HIGHS! 

  1. Drunk Tim – It was a pleasure finally meeting you.
  2. Mask Dude montages = solid gold entertainment. Mask dude poops, Mask Dude does yard work. Mask Dude vacuums. Mask Dude will always be lonely.
  3. Required Lookalike Revelation: Bentley looks like a smushed big toe with curly hair (betcha didn’t see that one coming).
  4. Ashley’s voice – No for real, it’s really high.
  5. Ames ballroom dancing with the Jabberwockeez. Ames already having tried the larvae in whatever foreign country they were in. Ames in pink boxing gloves. Ames. Ames. Ames.
  6. Getting to watch the Love Lantern get peed on again!
  7. Ashley getting a toe cramp and Ryan trying to rub it out. Why why why wasn’t this in the episode?
  8. Ryan not taking himself too seriously and realizing he was kind of a creep (and by kind-of I mean a GIANT creep).
  9. Michelle Money breaking down the Bentley gossip.
  10. BACHELOR PAD 2 PREVIEW 

Honorable Mentions: Nick for being a hottie willing to stand up to defend EVERYONE except William who he hated on continuously. Mickey for being there and looking cute. And Chris Harrison for finally doing some work.

LOWS 

  1.  Jason, Molly AND Ali all back? Did ABC realize that this season is beyond lame so they had to throw some other random contestants in the mix to liven it up.
  2.  Michelle Money, Justin “Rated R” Rego and Kasey “Ready to get my guard on” Kahl – See # 1 for explanation.
  3. Chris Harrison Hyperbole. Ole dude  must be paid for every one he uses. No show in the history of television has used more hyperbole. (Gotcha!)
  4. Oh Ryan P., nope Ashley does not want to meet your family. ABC, please stop forcing us to relive this breakup.
  5. Ashley’s bugged-out eyes and crazy hands. You’re only supposed to have ONE five-hour energy.
  6. William talking about anything.
  7. Finding out that Ashley uses Vaseline at night. Don’t think that was the product placement/endorsement they were looking for.
  8. Bentley not coming on the show (was thinking about making this a High but couldn’t decide).
  9. Consty not getting NEARLY enough screen time. WAY too much Ryan. Uh hello ABC, this dude actually made it to the final 3 (I think this officially means Ryan is the next Bachelor. WOOF).
  10. The Fireside Chat. Hey Guys, it’s like a million degrees EVERYWHERE. Why the F are you two talking in front of a fireplace? Is it cold? Are you craving smores? Is the sight of burning wood soothing for you?
So there you have it folks. My top ten highs and lows (in no particular order) from last night’s “special” (wasn’t very special for me).

Finale time tonight. Let the countdown to true love begin (and by True Love, I mean Bachelor Pad 2).
Here’s the preview in case you missed it!

Until then… stay tuned!

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Ashley Hebert and The Quest for Unconditional Love – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 7 Recap

It’s been a long time, you thought I left you without a dope beat to step to. Pardon the Aaliyah reference. Things are pretty bleak over here at SE. First off, The Bachelorette is slowly sucking at my will to watch TV and second, I’m reconsidering my commitment to ‘Love in the Wild’ and thinking of throwing my Wednesday night recaps to The Challenge: Rivals. Thoughts?

I'm Waaaiting. (Abc/Kenny Ting)

I do have one positive to report this (sweltering) Tuesday morning – we made it through an entire episode without hearing about he who must not be named (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out this week! what what! Sorry got to sneak those references in when I can).  I even made a cocktail prepared to finally give the drinking game a go and once again, Ashley disappoints me (but this time in a kind of good way and at least I had a cocktail to drink away the disappointment).

So the whole gang is heading over to Taiwan. And by travel, I mean they jaunt across a cartoon map of the Orient (hey, they played the semi-racist music, not me) to the Hidden Jewel of Asia. Ashley uses her montage voice-over to discuss how amazing Taiwan is, how it is the perfect place to fall in love and that it is the most beautiful, romantic, amazing, awesome place to fall in love (I think she had at least 6 other superlatives but you get the point).

Do you ever wish they would come on be like “Yeah, we’re going to this place. It sucks. It’s crowded, gross, the people are mean and the food is nasty. Basically it is the worst place ever to fall in love but we’re going to give it a go.” I think this would add some nice realism to the show. Yeah, it’s easy to fall in love when everything is all market dates and fake weddings but what about when you’re surrounded by dirty homeless people and rude commuters? That’s the true test of love. Okay, enough of my blabbering. On to the show.

Ashley gives us a detailed account of why she likes each guy. The only one with any truth was her Ames analysis, “He is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” You can say that again.

There are six dudes left when we get to Taipei. Only four will have the chance to introduce Ashley to their creepy relatives and awkward friends back home.

There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones. Game on.

As the brahs settle down into their bachelor pad everyone is loving the new digs with one exception: our resident hipster hottie JP. He’s showing that he is certainly Ashley’s perfect match by allowing his insecurity to slowly creep in and eat him from the inside out. He silently seethes in the corner while the first date goes to…

Constantine – Let your love light shine. Love, Ashley.  

Ashley shows up in her standard issue outfit: half top (this time the back is missing, this turns out to be a trend this episode. A frightening and alarming trend), jeggings and stripper shoes. The two meet up at a train station and while this date clearly doesn’t involve dancing, Ashley tries to sneak in a little shimmy much to Ben’s Constantine’s displeasure.

Note: How has it gone unmentioned, this ENTIRE SEASON, that Ben and Constantine are doppelgangers? Not even one funny comment in the credit bloopers. Nothing. This aggression will not stand.

All aboard the True Love Express for Constantine (his name is entirely too long. I will call him Consty from here on out) and Ashley. Viewers experience the train ride with some sensual Thomas the Train music accompanied by some PG petting (mostly from Ashley) capped off by the phallic train-in-the-tunnel moment. Once that’s over we’re in the “adddooooorrable” Ping Shi Village. I wish Ames had been on this date. We could have heard some insightful commentary on the history of Taiwan and this specific village rather than hearing Ashley describe the world like a 7-year old girl talking about kittens.

To continue their tradition of painting things on dates (wait, that’s Ben isn’t it? This look alike thing is getting out of hand) the two paint a love lantern for the ceremonial release later that night (not meant to be a dirty sentence but came across that way. sorry!) These  dodo birds attempt to paint something of meaning (How do you draw marriage? What would commitment look like? What shape is a heart?) while the locals look on condescendingly.

We learn later that this lantern has little to no meaning after a stray dog provides it with its true meaning – “I piss on your love.”

Back at the suite the dudes are having an intense staring contest while waiting for the date card to arrive. The Hunchback leaves everyone in surprise (or maybe he is still concussed and just talks like that now) until he announces Constantine Ben is the winner of the date card lottery. Ben pretends to be excited while Ryan is all “Awww Man!” pouting about how outdoor dates are his thing.

I think the Constantine Ben back-to-back dates are a deliberate attempt by the producers to confuse the shit out of Ashley. She’s got to get them confused, doesn’t she?

Back in Ping Shi, Consty

It's Addooorrrable.

gets real with Ashley and in the one moment of truth on this show, let’s her know that (shocker!) he’s not in love with her yet. Hallelujah it appears real humans may still populate The Bachelorette. Ashley isn’t buying this and aggressively rest her hand near Consty’s package while he keeps his neatly folded and far away from her.

Ashley is in total surprise to find out that Consty actually listens to what she says since she doesn’t listen to what anyone says except for “You’re so pretty!” or “You’re so skinny!” She’s far too busy listening to her own insecure thoughts to pay attention to what the guys are talking about.
This revelation scores big for Consty and they are letting their love light shine and open mouth kissing in no time.

This date decidedly trumps Ashley’s last “most romantic date ever” while Consty adds that “he’s never been happier” as they sway in the glow of the lantern light.
Next up: Constantine Part Deux or Ben as they like to call him on this show. 

We know this date is an outdoor date since Ashley shows up in some booty shorts and another ill-fitting top, this time a men’s XL t-shirt.

After these two sway and stare awkwardly in each others eyes  for what seemed like 3 minutes, she finally tells him what the date is and they skip on over to their … Moped!

As the scoot off into the mountains, Ben gets some serious bonus points with his ‘Dumb and Dumber” reference. Although I am quite certain the reference was entirely lost on Ashley. I don’t know if it was the moped or the mountains or Ben’ calling Ashley kiddo or Ashley’s tween sized arms holding tight to Ben but these two crazy kids are falling in love. Don’t be fooled though, Ashley still sneaks her insecurity into this date when she asks Ben – while riding the moped- “But you’re happy right?” Oh Ashley, what are we going to do with you?

Back at the swanky hotel, the dudes find out that Ashley is grooming Ames, Lucas and JP for the big day. This mean Ryan finally gets his one on one date. Praise the Sun Gods – the day is near!

Did someone say pose? (ABC/Kenny Ting)

Back to the love birds, Ben shows up for dinner in his chambray shirt ready to get down to business. This is especially apparent when Ashley compares their dinner wine to the one Ben brought her. He slams down his glasses, throws the other in her face and yells “Are you f-ing kidding me? This swill doesn’t even compare.” AW man, I wish that had happened. Instead, Ben acts mildly annoyed and mumbles under his breath something about Ashley being an idiot.

This dinner is mildly painful. Ashley manages to ask Ben to reassure her 19 times before she believes that he really likes her and Ben uses his words to spit out that he can’t wait for her to meet his mommy and daddy.

As Ben strings together sentences pouring his love out for Ashley, she sits there oddly staring at him like there is spinach in his teeth. I start to complain about how she doesn’t respond to him but then I realize we’ve made it an entire minute without having to listen to her whiny voice. Point Ben.

We think the date ends with an open mouth kiss but apparently there was more and Ben does his walk of shame into the penthouse the next morning. This makes JP’s blood boil and right before I think he is going to lunge across the sofa and smother Ben with his beanie, he exits the room.

Group Date: Awkward Wedding Photos with Ames, JP and Lucas. 

The dudes met up with Ashley at a Thai Olin Mills where they find out they’ll be taking wedding pictures. Yay! Ashley is so excited about this that she dug out one of her old cheer-leading skirts so she could play real life Ken & Barbie with these three saps.

While Ashley looks as excited as her sister in front of a pile of coupons, the guys look less than thrilled. And by less than thrilled, I mean terrified. While the guys try to regain composure, Ashley tells America that this is an important date where she will learn if they’re ready for marriage, if they can commit and most importantly, if they look “cute”  in wedding pictures. We’re creating true love here folks.

The photo sequence goes down pretty fast.

Basically, Lucas gets set up to look like an old Thai lady for the traditional pics (cause he’s a traditional southern gentleman ya’ll!). They take the least romantic, most awkward pictures ever and he is pissed about it.

Let's play dress-up!

Ames, who has no idea where he is, takes it like a good sport and wears his baby blue tux with pride. He and Ashley take pictures in a fake tree for no apparent reason and as soon as it begun, his photos are over.

JP, who pouted more effectively than a 3-year-old girl, gets his way and dons a James Bond style black tux. He looks smoking hot but his new attitude stains his look. Ashley eats it up and they stand in front of a $3 backdrop while being SOOOO HAAPPPY!

The awkward wedding photo date ends with them checking out their best shots. They leave behind their 11 x 14’s so they can grace the entry of this Sears Portrait Studio for years to come.

The dinner portion of the date is a mix of each guy chest puffing for Ashley’s affection. Actually, this is a total lie. The rest of the date is a competition between JP and Lucas on who can be the bigger whiny brat. http://itsnotavespa.tumblr.com/

Little Amesy.

Side Note: Where on earth did Ames sneak those family photos in from? All of a sudden we’re looking at 12-year-old Ames and I’m thinking, “Have those been in your suitcase the whole time?” Seriously, he’s just been holding on to those waiting for the perfect time to drop them on Ashley. I’m guessing there was one of Ames’ parents monster sized house and Ashley is like, “Well hell. I gotta see that place.”  Poor Ames, unpopular til he was 26, I mean 16.

The moment Ryan’s been waiting for…. the one-on-one. 

I know this date is off to a bad, bad SE start when these two start running (if that’s what you call that) towards each other in the open square. If a little piece of you didn’t die while watching then you haven’t truly felt the effects of SE. Ps. – Did anyone else notice that Ashley wasn’t wearing shoes as she walk/ran across the square?

This is when Drew throws in his important comment of the show. “I’m no fashionista (yup, I taught him that word) but really what the f** is up with that shirt?” Love it. Glad to know that he has also noticed Ashley’s new trend of backless tops.

If we’re using superlatives, this meet up has got to go down as the most awkward in Bachelor(ette) history. I covered myself up in sofa cushions and asked Drew to let me know when Ashley found a normal shirt. I am currently writing this post from my cushion fort.

So, other than the mountains of SE this date was pretty boring. Basically, the two of them walk around and talk. As they wander and watch people do Thai chi, Ryan quizzes Ashley on what she’s doing to help the environment and when they are going to get married. These topics of convo clearly make Ashley uncomfortable and I can see this date taking a bad turn.

I know that it’s a bad sign when they play the game for the match making gods and the blocks don’t match up right. Ashley silently jumps for joy while Ryan begins to hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, at any minute is seems like he could either laugh or break down into tears. He seems a little mentally unstable to me.

The sun comes out and Ryan uses its energy to tell Ashley about the most boring topic of all time – Water Heaters. At this point, Ashley throws the brakes on this date and lays it out for Ryan. “Look dude, you’re nice and you love our planet but this thing isn’t gonna work out.”

The worst part is that Ryan thought this date was going AMAZEballs. Like he was not just on cloud nine, he jumped over that cloud and went straight to 10. This is what makes it all the more awkward when Ashley “breaks up” with him.

As she lays down the law, Ryan looks like Ashley shot his puppy or the sun. And in the most epic line in SE history he says “So you don’t want to meet my family?” Oh god, oh god. I steal Ryan’s paper bag idea and start hyperventilating myself. Ryan’s so awkward and so weird and so bad yet so naive and I almost feel bad for him. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now since it looks like he’s about to go drown himself in that koi pond.

As Ashley drags out the break up (don’t hold hands when you are breaking up with someone), Drew notices there is a giant jungle cat lurking in the background. Snap. She is about to just leave his ass to get eaten by a giant jungle cat. Are they at the zoo? Doesn’t seem like it, that cat is roaming pretty freely.

As Ashley leaves him she notes that Ryan “Really likes me and he’s a really smart guy.” This is clearly a ‘If, Then” statement for Ashley. If he really likes me, then he is really smart. Oh Ashley and her insecurity.

Hugging or groping - that is the question.

The pair drop hands and go their separate ways but not before they get one last hug (is it groping if she’s wearing only half a shirt?). Ashley back to cocktail filled dates and Ryan to his destiny with the jungle cat (Drew says he is just as nervous for Ryan now as he was for Casey when Ali left his ass on a mountain in Iceland.)

Ryan stuffs his hands in his pockets, hangs his head and walks straight into the jungle cats lair.

Poor guy stutters and cries awkwardly into the camera and I try to leave the room but am paralyzed with SE. I almost feel bad for the guy but then he makes me so uncomfortable.

Our closing shot if of sad Ryan wandering Taiwan. And to add insult to injury they can’t even give the dude a lift to the airport – they make him hail his own cab.

End Scene.

Rose Ceremony:

This post is way too long so I am going to wrap this up.

Ashley stares at the dudes pictures longingly while Ames provides expert commentary on this episode. I honestly wish we could have him do commentary the rest of the reason. He gives us a nice recap of the guys state of mind. I love it.

Ben and Constantine sit down next to each other and seriously THEY ARE TWINS.

Heart to Heart with CH. Boring except that Ashley ONCE AGAIN kills the cocktail party. The producers need to put their foot down on this bull.

Rose Ceremony:

CH gives them all the sympathy break-up speech and it’s on.

  • JP already has a rose.
  • Constantine
  • Ben
    AND…
  • Ames (Who looks like he has been propped up. I think someone’s been doing that ever since he got concussed. When his name is called, he is like “where am i?”)

Lucas is sent packing. The dudes all stand around and are like “I totally didn’t expect that” which is code for “Ames, how the f are you still here?” Lucas leaves with dignity and without crying which i appreciate. He’d make a good bachelor.

Ashley starts getting emotional in her solo interview. Despite wanting to keep all the guys in her polly pocket case she takes with her everywhere she is not emotionally prepared to let them go. “I never knew there would be this much pressure.” Are you serious? What did you think you got to keep them all. Woof.

Drew pipes in with another insightful thought when he says, “Do you think every time she talks the producers are like ‘Oh god, why did he pick her?'” I whole heartedly agree and will no wrap this post up.

I know Emily came on afterwards and to wrap that up here goes: Crying, Broke up with Brad, Lip Quiver Crying, Being Cute as a Button, Crying, Being Precious, No more Brad and Emily. That’s a wrap.

So what did you all think of this episode? I know I left a lot out (mainly Ames’ outfit choices) so feel free to leave your favorite parts in the comments.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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“I just want a friend.” Learning to Love on The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part II

Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”

So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)

Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing

Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.

Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.

As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.

These guys. (ABC/Victor Fraile)

The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.

It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.

Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.

Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).

Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).

As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.

So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.

Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.

After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)

Aren't crop tops just the cutest?!? (ABC/Victor Fraile)

Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)

As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.

The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…

Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.

Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.

At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?

I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.

So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)

Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.

JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)

Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!

Ashley is all dolled up and ready to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.

A Wooo Ga. A Woooo Ga.

Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.

Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.

Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.

After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.

Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.

Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)

  • Ben F.
  • Constantine

AND…

  • Ames

I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.

Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!

I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?

Until then… stay tuned!

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Let’s Get Over Served. The Bachelorette Premier Recap Part II

So when we left off, Ashley had just wrapped up her fireside chat with Chris Harrison and was about to head outside to greet her suitors. I generally find the first introductions to be the longest stretch of awkwardness on broadcast television, 20 minutes filled with hair-raising meet cutes (you’ve seen The Holiday, you know what I’m talking about). Except these ones aren’t cute their more like meet weirds.

So let the meet weirds begin!

Limo Numero Uno

No No No. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

1. Ryan P: The sun dude. Ashley has yet to see his intro video so she digs this guy (What tipped me off you ask? It was hard to tell until she kept repeating “You’re so cute” over and over again) I don’t blame her, he is cute and comes off like a normal human.
2. Jon: I notice he’s wearing a weird tie and I’m about to make fun of it when he picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. No. Don’t do that. Any girl can tell you that when you’re wearing a fancy dress, your hair is fixed perfectly and your makeup is on point, you DO NOT want a dude picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder like a bag of dog food. Despite this, Ashley pretends to be amused. She really is too much joy.
3. Lucas: Works in Oil Industry aka Rich Dude from Texas. Ashley comments that he “smells good.” I bet he smells like money and fancy cologne. Or is money what fancy cologne actually smells like?
4. William: Our umbrella impaired friend from Columbus.
5. Mickey: At first I dig that he is being different in an non-creepy, semi-normal way by wearing a tan suit. Then he goes in for a kiss and Ashley, for once, does not hide her distaste for this. Thank you for proving that you are not a cheerleader robot. As he walks away, I notice he pants are a little too short.

Limo Numero Dos

6. Tim:It’s pretty clear he works for a liquor distributor (do what you love. no judging) since he’s tipsy when he gets out of the limo. Then, it what is the most cringe-worthy moment so far, he doesn’t speak. It looks like Ashley feels as uncomfortable as I do watching it from home. Please – MAKE. IT. STOP.
I’m about to curl up in a ball and wish for it to end when he walks away… woo.
7. Ben C.:Ben drops a little french on semi-Canadian Ashley and she likes it. As a student of the language of love myself, I dig it (even though it comes off a little embarrassing on tv) and Ben is a solid lock on 2nd place in my book.
8. Stephen: In another “act out your job” skit, Stephen flips his hair around 16 times while he awkwardly walks up to Ashley where he announces he’s a hair stylist (in case you couldn’t already tell). Then he comments on her hair color and I recoil inside myself. I think it’s over as he turns to leave but then I realize he is the worst walker ever (how can you be bad at that? You’ve been doing it since you were like 1 years old). At least he can walk and hair flip at the same time.
9. Chris D.: The resident young guy decides to rap to show how hip and cool he is. It doesn’t work (shocking right?)

This limo round was pretty rough. Keeping my fingers crossed for…

So what's with the mask? (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Limo Numero Tres

10. West: I’m still not sold on this guy although I’m hearing he’s a fan favorite. I liked the compass gift though, clever and cute. Moving on to…
11. Anthony: So I kind of liked Anthony at first, then he got out of the limo and decided to act like a douchebag. Was he checking himself in the limo window? A
12. Rob: I don’t remember much about this guy other than that he had good teeth. Boring.
13. Ames: Little blazer. Big Ames. He must have got that while pursuing his first of a thousand degrees.
14. Matt. Office supply salesman (Dunder Mifflin employee?). He decides he and Ashley need to be in a secret club with a secret handshake. Woof.
15. MASK DUDE aka JEFF: Is Jeff this season’s Madison? His get-up would have been better with some vampire teeth.

Commercial Break and we’re back for LIMO NUMERO QUATRO

16. Ben: Ben brings his own vino. Other than wishing that he would cut his hair, I’m cool with Ben right now. Mostly cause he’s in a suit and not dressed like a pre-teen.
17. Frank: I’m usually a fan of a good wink. But this one seems forced and then, HE PICKS HER UP. We’ve already discussed why this is bad. “I’m surprised you can carry me!” Seriously Ashley, You weigh 82 lbs. A sturdy 6-year-old could pick you up.
18. Micheal: Their convo about “gassing” sounds odd/strangely sexual. I
19. Chris: He’s Canadian. Enough said.
20. Ryan: Ryan can’t wait to snap some pics to post on Facebook. “Let’s smush our faces together!” Let’s not.
21. JP: If there could be a perfect intro on this show, Ryan just nailed it. The hottie hipster is my favorite. Done and done.
22. Nick: I’d bet money this dude plays or has played water polo. Just look at that hair.
23. Blake: Cute and Quiet. I can work with that.
24. Bentley. Dun Dun Dun. We all know how this is going to play out. Hopefully Ashley won’t let this go on too long.
25. Constantine. He looks exactly like Jason Schwartman. He has long hair. (Why are there so many long-haired dudes on this season?)

Wow, that was a lot of dudes. Chris Harrison is back to remind Ashley that tonight is going to be the night of her life.

Ashley is so excited that she is starting to remind me of Jessie Spano in that classic episode of Saved by the Bell.

Now, most of the time the cocktail party is my favorite. But I wasn’t too impressed. There was a lot of sameness.

Dudes saying the same thing about how pretty Ashley looked. Ashley saying how awesome everyone is.
Luckily, off camera I can hear a guy saying that it will take “guts & nuts” to win Ashley’s heart. Best line of the season so far.

Solar panel dude talks about the sun. Wine dude talks about pinot. Momma’s boy talking about his mom (who calls their mom? Although Gail sounded kind of fun and she clearly loves to party). Ashley being insecure. This episode is dragging… UNTIL Tim goes and gets wasted.

All Aboard! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Without Tim we would have gone this entire episode without a dude fight and some drunk talk. It was so incredibly embarrassing when, after picking a fight, he couldn’t string together two words to say to Ashley. I loved that the escorted him to a mini-van. You know they didn’t want any upchuck in the limos.

Ben speaks french. JP acts dreamy. Nothing too exciting so my mind wanders to considering what is behind the mask. A wonky eye? A hairy mole? A face tat?

I’m brought back to reality when Chris Harrison jumps out from behind a door and drops the first impression rose bait and then the dudes start clamoring for Ashley’s attention even harder. She pins up solar panel Ryan.

We did it! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

The rest of the roses go to:

  • Mask Dude
  • Jason Schwartzman aka Constantine
  • Wine dude Ben
  • Lucas (where did this dude come from?)
  • Matt
  • Water Polo Nick
  • Chris D.
  • Ryan M.
  • Blake
  • Mickey
  • French Ben C.
  • West (not East)
  • William
  • JP (YES!!!!)
  • Ames (She’s digging the degrees)
  • Bentley (Way to drag out the drama ABC)

The rest of the rag-tag team of boy band rejects say bye bye bye and we’re done.

That is until the rejects can act as over dramatic as a 14 year-old girl and talk about how Ashley was the love of their life and they wanted to tell their grandkids about their TV romance. One dude even cries. Really?

I’m glad we’re through the first episode. I need some totally unrealistic dates ASAP.

Until then… stay tuned!

p.s. – Who’s your favorite? Who’s your least favorite?

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