First off, I have to apologize about my one week hiatus. For some reason I’m having trouble with this season. I definitely LIKE this season more than the past two but the secondary embarrassment just doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Emily is just a little too aware that she’s on television. That coupled with the lack of hot tubs, helicopters and rappelling has led to a somewhat luke warm season. I’m definitely enjoying it but it’s not the embarrassment of riches it’s been in the past.
But enough with the excuses. It’s Bachelorette time and I’m back in the game.
It’s montage time, you know, just in case this is your first time watching this show (does that happen anymore, do people just now start getting into The Bachelorette/Bachelor?). The past few weeks have been full of muscles, sparse tongue kissing and lots of under the blanket cuddles. But now it’s time to get serious. Which on this show means that the remaining 8 guys all confess that they are, indeed, falling in love with Emily. Well, all of them except Ryan. He’s way too busy falling in love with himself.
As Emily walks the streets of Croatia, we learn that little Ricky has finally headed back to the states. We’ll miss her but I proclaim out loud “Behold! The return of the hot tub is nigh!” (sorry that was weird, I’ve been reading WAY too much Game of Thrones lately.)
The guys sail in to Croatia which means we miss out on any of their boisterous home made travel videos (Awwwww Maaaannnn!). And right on cue, we cut to Jef saying, “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.” Now I know I harp on this every season, but REALLY? He had to be reading off cue cards right? I mean, at least 3 people say that every season about (insert random locale here). I let it slide for Bali, Tahiti and Paris but Croatia REALLY? It appears that for contestants of this show, the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly would also be a perfect place to fall in love. You know, as long as a production crew is following them around.
I finally take a deep breath in time to see Emily walk in to their swanky apartment. Em’s in the house to deliver the date card and the excitement among the bros is palpable.
All that excitement just to find out the date card goes to…. Travis (aka this guy from Rascal Flatts).
As Travis throws on his cleanest plaid button down (hopefully no snaps), Emily tells us that she is super excited to go on a date with Travis. That has got to be a lie. I’m thinking she’s using this as a day to do some sightseeing and pick up some souvenirs for the Ricky, the babysitter and the Hendricks family before sending Travis home before dinner.
But Travis has no clue and is as excited as ever. “We’re going to have a GREAT day!” he proclaims as I cringe at the thought of what’s to come.
Southern Fish out of Water Ya’ll aka I forgot what the date card said.
It’s time to follow these two southerners “ya’ll” their way through Croatia. Travis thinks this date is going to be great especially because he and Emily have so much in common. (Sorry I have to do this again…) Really Travis? Name one thing you have in common. Okay you’re both from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Name one more. Okay okay, you’re both blonde. Name another. That’s fine, I’ll wait.
By the time I’ve focused back on the screen, Emily has devised some faux-cultural scheme aimed at getting Travis to take off his shirt and show us what’s lurking beneath that plaid. It’s a wall where you’re supposed to hold yourself up while taking off your shirt. (That’s gotta be fake, right?) Travis gives it the old college try except he doesn’t. He stands up there and then doesn’t even attempt to unsnap his shirt.
Emily is kinda miffed and I understand. We all really wanted to know if there was a six-pack or a pair of pepperoni nipples under there. I guess we’ll never know.
Back at the hotel-motel (side note, that place looks Real Nice!), the guys sit around and talk about Travis. I’m not listening but rather trying to figure out what Ryan is wearing. Is that a wife-beater worn the wrong way? Why is it shaped like that? Anyways… this whole break is just another chance for the producers to show America how supreme a douche Ryan really is. I’m thinking they asked him to wear the tank top like that. And if so… well played, Mike Fleiss. Well played.
And we’re back in the friend zone. After picking up some trinkets for all her friends and family (including her new bestie Dolly Parton), Emily and Travis sit down for a “romantic” dinner. I put romantic in quotes because this is about the least romantic dinner I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched a lot of this show.
Travis spills the beans about going into seclusion since he broke off his engagement two years ago. Yes, for the past two years he’s stayed in, played video games, ordered pizza and gelled his hair…. alone. This kinda freaks Emers out and I echo her thoughts when she says, “TRAAAAAAAAA VIIIIS!?!?!?” (I echo those thoughts even though I have no idea what they mean. Just go with it.)
Before the heartbreak sits in (p.s. – you think he’ll call up his Rascal Flatts bro and give him some thoughts for a new break up tune? Could be a hit.) we’re back with the bros, ready to find out who’s going on the group date and which lucky dude gets some solo time with their chick. John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie will find out that dating requires bravery. This means that we’re all doomed to at losing at least 20 minutes of our lives watching Ryan parade his douchebaggery around national television.
Back at dinner, it’s rose time. Emily does that horrible thing where she picks up the rose, spends a full minute telling the guy how great they are before dropping the biggest BUT. I cringe and hide behind my laptop as Travis’ face goes from excitement and hope to disappointment and sorrow. Emily tells him they just can’t escape the dreaded friend zone and that she’ll give him a call next time she’s in Charlotte so they can get together and drink some Cheerwine while catching up on NASCAR action.
(Hey Travis, look on the bright side. You may be able to get in good with Wendy or her sassy Indian friend if you can stay besties.)
Sorry Travis can’t keep it together and kind of falls apart when the producers ask all those prodding questions about “finding love” and “being worth it.” Don’t cry Travis. No seriously, don’t cry. It makes you look weird.
And just like that, it’s Group Date time!
Dating Requires Bravery with John, Jef, Chris, Sean, Doug and Arie.
So I’d almost forgotten about the ole movie date. You know the one. It’s when they do the biggest blatant cross-promotion and pan it off as a date. This time it’s Disney Pixar’s newest film Bravery. And how appropriate that we get a kiddie movie for Emily’s season. Not like that Anna Faris movie, where she played a slut trying to find all the guys she’d slept with before, that we got to watch on Brad’s (or was it Ben’s) season.
The guys suffer through the movie by insulting each other and giving one another nougie’s while Emily gazes longingly into the screen, wishing she were just as brave as the animated red-head.
The lights go up and it’s time for the challenge portion of the date (you may remember on Brad’s season this was usually who could get their body into their bikini and their tongue into his throat fastest). The guys will be competing in the Highland challenge. Basically, they have to dress up and do some random tasks…. I Like it!
Just to make them feel even more out-of-place, they give them some skirts and make them ride donkeys. Gah, I love this show.
This date is basically a chance for us to see who is the strongest. Also who has the best legs (Jef, duh). Oh and who is the best at riding a donkey (my money’s on Chris).
The challenges are archery, throwing this giant log and an old-fashioned (no really, like medieval times) tug-o-war. Sean (obviously) kills it at everything. The rest of the guys range from good to meh (Doug – good, John & Arie – so so, Jef – meh) and then there’s Chris. Well, he is HORRIBLE. Like embarrassingly, can’t watch miserable. When he totally missed the target on archery I hide under my blanket for a full minute. IT. WAS. BAD.
Luckily for him, Emily finds his lack of skill, talent or muscle power endearing and gives him the Bravery cup. To which the rest of the guys respond in unison, “Say WHAAAA?” Emily spews more lies when she says, “I don’t care about big muscles.” Yeah, that is just not true.
Either way, Sean knows that the cup is just for bravery and not for sheer muscle mass and strength cause he would have had that in spades. I mean, he broke that giant log. And Emily couldn’t even hide that she was digging it. “It was impressive.” She says smirking while sipping on her hot toddy.
After the Highland Cup it’s the after-party and after the party it’s the hotel lobby… sorry, I got a little carried away there.
So it’s time for the group to get all liquored up and ready to tongue kiss and cuddle (with Emily… not with each other. I’m looking at you Jef.)
Sean’s up first and I half wish he’d just pick her up and carry her to prove (once again) how freaking strong he is. Huge bummer when he doesn’t and instead just waxes poetic about how much he likes her. She tells him that he has nothing to worry about and they open-mouth kiss. Boring.
Next up is Jef aka this season’s Ames (i haven’t forgotten you buddy). I want to dislike Jef but I can’t. Probably because in my head, I consider him an 8-year-old boy. Despite the hair, the overly sensitive tone of voice and his inexplicable style, I don’t dislike him. At the very least, he’s different from the rest of the lookalikes left on the show.They snuggle and Emily gives him a hard time for not kissing him sooner (it was his FIRST KISS – give the kid a break!). End scene.
It’s on to Arie who I used to love but now rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies. So imagine the insanely awful secondary embarrassment I had when he slams her up against the wall and tongue kisses her (oh gah, just writing it and thinking about the slurping sounds makes me want to crawl under my desk) with the loudest slurping sounds ever. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I actually yell at the TV as my skin crawls.
I know some of you probably love Arie but I had a distinct turning point a couple of weeks ago and there’s just something off there. I can’t deal.
Back at the crib, Ryan sits around complementing himself and plucking his toe hairs. He’s interrupted from his 3-hour pre-bed routine when the date card arrives. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t immediately return to teh group date but instead are forced to watch Ryan utter this phrase out loud, “I wake up each day, look in the mirror and say to myself – who do you want to be today.” Kill me now.
Last but certainly not least (well yes, least in terms of muscle mass) is Chris. Chris is a SE smorgasbord. The combo of his mannerisms, words and awkward facial expressions make me want to crawl into the one-inch space between my couch and the floor. This awfulness once again wins Emily over and she leaps up to grab the rose for him. (WHAAAT???? I yell from the crawl space.)
The dudes share my bewilderment and just like that, we’re done here.
Ryan – The world is our oyster.
So here’s the deal friends. This part is going to be short. I cannot stand Ryan. Not in the way I can’t stand how embarrassing some of these guys are but in the way that I would consider hitting him if he walked in front of me in the cross walk (kidding, guys I swear).
Emily shows up and plops down on the couch next to Ryan. This is where the two share a painfully awkward conversation while the guys watch (and judge). S**t gets awkward quick.
When they finally get up to leave, the guys share the painful SE they all just experienced. For once, I feel like I have something in common with these bros. “My skin was crawling” says Wolfman. You and me both buddy. You and me both.
So we’re on the date and from the looks of it, it appears that Emily dislikes Ryan as much as every other living human does (well, except for Ryan himself).
These two crazy kids head off on a road trip with Ryan behind the wheel. I cannot contain my amusement as EVERY SINGLE CAR honks and gives Ryan the finger (okay, maybe I made up that last part. Wishful thinking.) By the time they make it to the fishing boat, Ryan has already said the words “Trophy Wife” at least two times. If you drank every time you heard it on this date, it would have been hard to crawl out of bed this morning.
They head off on the sea for some oysters and Ryan says some more insulting and condescending things to Emily while simultaneously complementing himself at every opportunity. I contemplate fast-forwarding just to get through this awfulness.
Instead I sit through it and wonder out loud why Ryan shaves his beard like that. Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention it earlier but the dudes informed us that he also shaves his legs, arms and ear hair every day. BLECH.
More trophy wife talk with this line, “She is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and I’m pretty sure I have a good shot at it being mine.” Why oh Why did she not push him overboard?
Now it’s time for the dinner portion. If you thought it was going to be more of Ryan talking about himself, you’d be right. He even prepared a list of 12 things he’s looking for in a wife during his free time last night. On the list: beautiful, a servant to her family (REALLY? REALLY? What year is this?), someone who catches his eye and a sexy personality.
Thankfully, when it comes time for the rose, Emily finally realizes that Ryan is the biggest schmuck and decides NOT to give him the rose. HALLELUJAH.
Our shouts of joy quickly turn to rage as Ryan will not get up and go wallow in his defeat. Instead, he gets a little defensive with Emily. Telling her “he’s shocked” and that she’s making a bad decision. Um, Ryan – this is single-handedly the best decision Emily has made all season. Get up and LEAVE NOW!
Once again, he remains and glares at her in the most awkward way possible, trying to force her to give him the rose. Isn’t there a Bachelorette Bouncer? You know some giant dude that can come and carry the guy off to his taxi so we don’t have to watch this shiz.
And just like that, the minute we’d all been waiting for is here. Ding dong the witch is dead! Ryan is gone. Clearly he’s shocked but this obviously opens up his schedule to be on Bachelor Pad where he will hook up with desperate girls and attempt (but fail miserably) to win $125K. “I’ve been blessed with many worldly gifts… ” Ryan says as American gives a collective eye roll. Save it for Bachelor Pad buddy.
When the guys back at the hotel see Ryan’s bag being pulled out the door, they erupt into cheers “HooRay!” and I can’t help but wish I was there to high-five them.
Before we can get to the rose ceremony though, Arie pulls a Courtney and surprises Emily with a visit. And by visit, I mean an opportunity to do some heavy petting without the other guys around. He blabbers on about caring about her feelings before going in for some loud, slurping kisses. I can’t bear to watch and instead talk with Drew about how awkward it must be for the camera man. You know it’s some 300 lb sweaty white guy with a headset being ordered to ‘ZOOM IN MORE.’ I can see his head shaking in disgust as he zooms in on their game of tonsil hockey. Okay, enough. I can’t even write about it anymore.
Moral of the story: Emily tells Arie he’s going to get a rose.
Rose Ceremony Time
It’s party time and Emily looks awesome. I think this may be my favorite of the dresses she’s worn (I know, I know, you don’t care).
Doug & the Wolf are on the chopping blocks so Emily settles in for some one-on-one time with them. Wolf shares the story of his grandparents love before shedding some baby tears which open up the way for him to move in for a kiss. Still not sure if he’ll hang around but a worthy effort on his part.
Next up is Doug. Doug Doug Doug. I wasn’t really prepared for all the crying. Truth be told, I zoned out when they were talking only to be brought back by the sound of his sobs.
There are no words to describe what happened, so instead I’ll let you watch. Be forewarned, it is BAD.
Dougy fresh misses his little boy BIG TIME. Like BIG TIME. I can understand that but maybe he should save those tears for some solo time in his hotel room. NOT NOT NOT in front of the cameras. Doug, one day your son will get older and his friends will discover You Tube and they’ll see this. Oh the embarrassment.
Back at the gathering, the dudes sit around and talk about how they’ve all tongue kissed the same girl… in the last five minutes.
And just like that it’s rose time.
Chris has a rose (BUMMER). The other roses go to…
and….wait what? Emily just up and leaves. She runs down CH and let’s him know that she’s having trouble. So wait, she’s not going to give the rose to either… NAH… gotcha! False drama. She gives them both a rose!
Doug and Wolfman got to turn those serious frowns upside down. The entire group date gives a sigh of relief and we’re out!
p.s. Raise your hand if you thought wolf would still be here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.
Next up is Prague. (You know, another perfect place to fall in love.) The previews look good though. It appears our boy Arie has been hiding something! Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.
What were your thoughts on last night’s episode? What do you think of Emily? Most importantly – How happy are you that Ryan is gone!?
Until next time… stay tuned!