Tag Archives: rose ceremony

February 26, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every ~~lady~~ contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone. Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay's} every seen." Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I'm thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I'm just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as "a bunch of flowers made of petals." Yup, that's what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire "dinner" is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that - that comes later), she's saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it's on like donkey kong (except it's not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to "express her feelings" which means she's ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here's the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she's gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there's no stopping it (see ex. 1 - standing on a chair and yelling "I Love Sean." ex. 2 - does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it's annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn't going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it's straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee's all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It's time for another one of Sean's test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it's time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges - I guess this is Sean's way of figuring things out. I'm just saying that I found Brad Womack's way (i.e. - hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to ~~organizing his closets~~ spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some ~~naked~~ cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at ~~the brothel~~ the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7. The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

3 Comments

Filed under The Bachelor

Tagged as ABC, American Broadcasting Company, Chris Harrison, humor, reality television, reality tv, rose ceremony, Sean, secondary embarrassment, The Bachelor, Tierra

January 29, 2013 · 11:35 am

‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s ~~most cliched~~ best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin’” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s ~~hard-on~~ desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange - “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock ~~block~~ tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it). But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving ~~kissing~~ Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?) Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves ~~kissing~~ Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong.

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

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Filed under The Bachelorette

Tagged as ABC, American Broadcasting Company, arie, Bachelorette, Chris Harrison, Curaçao, emily, Emily Maynard, Ernie, humor, jef, Maynard, rose ceremony, secondary embarrassment

July 10, 2012 · 2:39 pm

“I’ve just had the BEST time.” The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

And we’re back. It’s getting down to crunch time for our girl Emily. No more willy nilly tongue kissing all across the globe, it’s time to find Ricky a Daddy. So let’s go…. to Curacao!

“To finish it in Curacao is… so perfect.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 354654997454 times but they could send these kiddos to war-torn Africa and they’d think it was AH.MAZ.ING or in their words, “the perfect place to [fall in love, end their journey, find true love].”

We begin, as we do every episode, with a montage. The highlights in this one: the battle between saying “love” and “perfect.” I think love won by one (say that 5 times fast). interspersed in the montage, we see Emily, accompanied by some seriously EPIC music, standing at the front of her own Titanic … this sinking ship of a romantic journey.

Once they’ve gotten the pre-requisite product plug-in (seriously though, that place looks REAL NICE – said in Ricky Bobby voice but lacking any sarcasm), it’s time to take a deeper look at her relationship with the guys. Okay, I’m not trying to be too picky (yes I am) but this show could easily be an hour and half without all these montages, heart to hearts and ponderous looks (Emily looks longingly at the sea, Emily strolls down the beach, Emily plays with her hair in the Curacao breeze).

Moral of the story:

Sean: Perfect and full of plaid. Everything she wants in a husband… tall, blond, huge boobs (no coincidence that they want the same things… they’re perfect!).
Jef: A stylish bad boy (I’m laughing aloud as I write that, c’mon Emily… he’s different but “a little bit of edge.” I think not). Plays hard to get. Mormon.
Arie: It’s hard for me to hear what she’s saying over my loud boo-ing but I think I make out (no pun intended!) that she loves that he does all his talking through the mouth-to-mouth technique.

We close this recap with a cryptic message in the sand from Emily.

Emily + ?

WHO IS QUESTION MARK?!?!?! Alas, we’ll never know since it is swept out to see just like one of these dudes will be in another HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Perfect Sean

Sean, ever a fan of the ABC supplied uniform of v-necks and Toms, has upped the ante. He’s clearly run out of all his moderately deep v’s and found the most plunging one of all. You know, one that really highlights his chest. And we’re in luck because he found a pair of Toms to match perfectly. Gah, isn’t he just perfect?

He does the awkward jog thing and as much as I hate it, I hate his outfit more. Well done buddy.

Just when I’d given up hope, I hear the familiar sound of helicopter blades in the tropical breeze … a helicopter! Well it’s about damn time.

So these two crazy kiddos hop in and feel each other up as they head off to their own private island. Hold up, didn’t Brad & Emily go on this exact same date at this exact same moment on his season. It seems Womack and Sean have more in common that a shared love of plaid.

Sean’s decided he’s not holding back and breaks out a hand-written note to little Ricky. In your head you’re thinking TRUMP CARD right? So was I. Emily eats every line about wanting to be her Daddy up and I can’t help but get sad realizing that he’ll most likely never meet that little spit fire.

Awkward pauses and a conversation about Sean treating his ex girlfriends like “buddies” fill the time before the “dinner” date (have you ONCE seen someone take a single bite of food on this show? Drinks. Downed by the dozen. Food. Left alone and abandoned. Here’s hoping production meals on that shiz after the love birds leave). They also pretend to go snorkeling which must just be code for tongue kiss in the ocean.

Wanna take off your top errr I mean go snorkling?

Side note: Did you all see how big Emily’s boobs looked in that swimming suit!? I felt like a cartoon A WOO GA noise should have gone off when she took off her cover up.

I didn’t think it was possible but at dinner Sean wears an even deeper V-neck tee. Where do you even get those things?

At dinner, things get kinda serious. Sean confesses his love, to which Emily gives the mandatory “thank you” (is there anything worse?). They also discuss where they’d live, if he Sean would actually propose and other things of minor note… but enough about your life together, where is the fantasy suite card?

Emily finally pulls that puppy out (no, not THOSE puppies… that’s for the fantasy suite you guys!) and I can’t help but wonder if CH really write those notes (I secretly hope he does, did you see how nice that handwriting was?). They wholeheartedly accept the “let’s get it on” key. (Ugh, I hate when Emily says Thank You to him for accepting… you didn’t just order a soda at McD’s…)

For the next couple minutes, we hear A LOT of talk about how much they want to just spend more hours together…. talking (b**ch please)… in the hot tub (well there you are old friend!). But all of that talking will have to be put on hold because little Momma isn’t comfortable with Ricky-Tick seeing her fantasy suite her way to a new man. So Sean and his blue balls don’t have to go home but can’t stay here.

Cue some serious open-mouth kissing and we’re done.

It’s Jef with just one F.

Oh Jef, was there ever a date more perfect for you than sailing? Me thinks no.

So it’s all aboard (sorry, wrong transportation terminology) for these two (and no, not aboard each other… you and your dirty mind). While doing some heavy petting, they hit the serious topic of parenting. Jef really wants to meet Ricky and find out what kind of Dad he’ll be and more importantly, judge Emily’s parenting skills. This evaluation will be key in him deciding if he really wants a future with Ms. E. I sort of tune out cause the cheesy way they talk to one another kind of annoys me. It’s like listening to two 13 year old on a date in front of you at the movies. Just hush up you two. I think I miss something about them playing house in new city because they have to start FRESH!

I definitely tune back in when I hear Jef chime in with this moment of greatness, “It’s been like this crazy painting… And now I see the masterpiece that’s being painted.” Come on now seriously? You’re going to tell me this is a “bad boy.” Emily, you dated Jeremy Shockey (don’t know who that is? see here). Jef wears high socks like the ring bearer at the last wedding I attended. What about that says edgy?

Just two crazy kids in love.

Anyways, the rest of the date is spent paddle boarding (of course Jef is on the paddleboard date) and jumping off big rocks (p.s. – do you think production had underwater cameras to catch that jump in?). As the day comes to a close, Jef hits us with this truth: “The sun is setting here in Curacao but I feel like things are just beginning with me and Emily.”

Before the sun can set on their romance, Jef has some important dinner questions, namely: “Why haven’t you found the right guy already?” Dang. Coming strong with the questions Jef, I see you. Emily responds with the canned, I’ve dated a lot of great guys just none right for me and then turns it around on Jef. He says the same thing and I begin to lose focus.

But then, like a light at the end of the tunnel, there it is. The Fantasy Suite Card! To which Jef promptly replies “Thanks but no thanks” and bounces from dinner. Okay that didn’t happen. Really, Jef acts all ~~Mormon-~~ gentleman-like and says he doesn’t think it’s right for him to spend the night in a fantasy suite. I mean really people, he’s got morals.

But Emily wanted to be the one to kick him out, so she invites him over to a BOMB-ASS fantasy suite for some over the clothes groping and serious tongue kissing. I try not to focus on the blechy kissing and instead turn my attention to the scrumptous dessert on the bed. Chances that Emily mealed on that once Jef left? 100%

And just like that, Jef is gone.

And my anxiety kicks in because it’s…

Arie’s turn.

I can’t handle Arie. If you’ve read any of these posts this season (well other than like the first two), you know I can’t deal. I plead with Drew to just fast-forward through this entire section but for some reason, he doesn’t get creeped out by Arie’s Accutane lips, effeminate talking and incessant use of the word ‘like.’ So we soldier on…

And right from the start, it’s bad. Arie does the nerdiest half jog I’ve ever seen up to Emily and I half expect her to pick him up and twirl him (seriously, how awesome would that have been?). Instead the implanted magnets in their mouths automatically link up and we’re forced to watch Arie death grip the back of Emily’s head. WOOF CITY.

It’s time to go swimming with dolphins, so they stop their ongoing mouth-to-mouth for two minutes allowing them to board the catamaran, lay down and once again resume mealing on each other’s faces (not like zombies though… or maybe a little like zombies. just not the Miami ones).

This is just what we do.

Since we need some sort of voice over since they’re too busy sucking face, Emily tell us she thinks Arie will love swimming with dolphins since “he’s not scared of anything.” Well yeah, he races cars at 200 miles an hour surrounded by about 15 other cars and oh yeah, there’s no roof – so dolphins, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem. She also uses this reasoning to discern that he will make a great Dad. Oh Emily. I’m not sure what race car driving and swimming with dolphins has to do with being a good model for Little Ricky but hey, she’s your kid.

Here’s how the rest of the date goes down:

Something about a journey from Dollywood to Curacao; open mouth kissing; face grabbing; heavy petting; talking about kissing; more kissing; swimming with dolphins; kissing; playing with dolphins while kissing; more kissing; end scene.

It’s dinner time and I honestly CANNOT get over how much Arie grosses me out. I just can’t deal. I can’t. Writing this right now is giving me the heeby jeebies. His voice is oddly high and I don’t know, I just can’t handle it.

I consider throwing a blanket over myself, plugging my ears and waiting for a signal to come out when it’s all over but before I can, I hear Emily say ” I have no doubt [Ricky] will want to be your best buddy.” This aggression will not stand. I know my girl Ricky Tick will not dig arie. She’s #teamsean all the way.

More kissing/talking/pretend eating/kissing occurs and it’s fantasy suite time but Mamma E doesn’t trust herself to even GO to the fantasy suite with Arie. She knows she’d have her panties dropped before they even hit the front step, so it’s night night for Arie (HALLELUJAH!) but not before one more attempt to suck the life force out of her body. BLECH.

Rose Time.

I’m going to skip over the H-to-H with CH for two reasons: 1. Because I think they’re always kind of boring and 2. Because I think CH is so much better than that. Why doesn’t he just GET REAL with Emily (or at least give her a heads up on that ponytail looking awful. Em girlfriend, you always looks amazing but tonight’s pony was RRRROUGH).

The moral of the story is that CH tells E that it’s time to get to choosing and E’s all like but I don’t want to go home! I’m having too much fun! Don’t make me stop kissing one of them! I love them all!

Wah Wah Wah.

To help her with this big decision, the dudes have made videos. They each basically proclaim their love in the way you’d expect each of them to. Moving on.

It’s time to do the damn thing but Emily “can’t even wrap my head around the fact that there are only two roses” and that I don’t get to kiss all of them anymore.

My prediction/wishful thinking is that Arie is going home. Drew thinks it’s gonna be Sean.

p.s. – who wants to do a bachelorette bracket next season?

Roses go to:

Jef

Side note: The other two dudes are like “Yikes a million we totes thought Jef was going home.” And then it happens….

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which you know clearly means, Arie.

And just like that CH pops out from behind a bush and is all “Hit the Road Jack” to Sean.

Emily walks him out while Jef and Arie stand there and stare at each other, wondering whose shoes are nerdier.

I can’t look… just go.

This goodbye is awkward city. I wanted to call it a night early and just cut out cause it was making me ALL kinds of uncomfortable ESPECIALLY with the chirping noise in the background (tell me it didn’t sound like the heart monitors at the hospital). But then I thought about all the chicks Sean is going to get between now and his season on The Bachelor and I didn’t feel so bad.

For some reason Emily starts crying and Sean finally decides to leave. Props to Sean for keeping it together, not sounding like an idiot and not crying awkwardly into the camera.

Welp, it’s official friends. Emily officially has horrible taste in guys.

So what did you all think of last night’s LACK of fantasy suites? Are you happy with Emily’s decision or like me have you given up hope?

Men Tell All Next Week! Until then… stay tuned!

4 Comments

Filed under The Bachelorette

Tagged as ABC, American Broadcasting Company, Bachelorette, Chris Harrison, Curaçao, emily, Emily Maynard, humor, jef, Ricky, Ricky-Tick, rose ceremony, Sean, secondary embarrassment

January 31, 2012 · 4:40 pm

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part II

When I left you all we had just finished the group date. Well, I wish I was coming back with something more exciting to start with but alas, all I have is an Elyse one-on-one. Blech.

Oh but I will jump in and say that Bachelor Producer Robert Mills (@millsy11374) gave SE a twitter shout out today! This is the 2nd time (eek!!) he’s shared the SE but the first time I got some feedback. Needless to say, this little blogger was excited. AND… he said they’d be using competitive dates again. Double bonus.

Elyse is BEYOND excited (more excited than me getting re-tweeted) for this date which is going to make it all the worse when she goes on the date and Ben wonders who she is and why’s she’s been around this long. But really, she is SERIOUSLY excited. Like I think she may throw up she’s that excited. All. Bad. Signs.

Elyse – Let’s go somewhere private.

Elyse is literally crying she’s so excited (??). Someone needs to get this girl a glass of champagne. STAT.

She gets it together enough to throw together an outfit using her tangerine nails as a style guide. That and a leopard print bikini and she’s ready to go.

Uh oh. It’s the boat date. Boat dates are always a bad omen. Brittany got booted on the boat day during Brad’s season, Ben (some other initial) got left on a raft on Ashley’s season and well Kasey Kahl got left on that iceberg (okay so it wasn’t a boat but it was a large body of water and it was awesome that he got abandoned).

Courtney, while a total bitch, has been pretty spot on this episode with her commentary. “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one doesn’t really bother me… I hope I got her number, I may not be seeing her later. I could use a personal trainer. [insert weird lip/mouth motion]” If she wasn’t trying so hard to be the next Michelle Money I might appreciate these comments more.

Tuxes on a First Date?

Okay, so date time. Strike one comes early when Elyse tells Ben (while constantly messing with her MASSIVE mane of hair) that she’s accomplished everything she wanted to so far. Ben calls her on it and I immediately know this date is going to be one for the SE record books.

She blabbers on about quitting her job to be on the show, to which I’m sure Ben made an “oh shit” face. But then I think about it and if you’re a personal trainer, is it really a “job?” Don’t you just go back to training your clients. (Okay probably not, please don’t send me mean emails Personal Trainers of the world). It’s at this point that we notice the dingy being drug along behind the boat. This must be Elyse’s sayonara water taxi, right?

After hearing enough about Elyse’s “accomplishments” (that’s in quotes because is moving to Florida really an accomplishment?), Ben suggests they dive off their floating mansion.

The jump is not just a fun water activity for Elyse, no she is literally jumping off the deep end into love with Ben. Exact quote. ‘There’s nothing better than the feeling of being in love.” For the sake of SE, I’m going to assume this was NOT taken out of context and proclaim “YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!!” Seriously, I yelled that at the TV. Loud. Really really Loud.

The last supper.

The second half of the date takes place on the beach where the two are dressed in black-tie attire for dinner (why?!?). This is just going to make the inevitable all the worse. He didn’t even love her in her best dress.

If this dinner could be any worse, it would be that Brittany/Brad date. Elyse talks the entire time while Ben fights the feeling to push her chair over and walk away. No but really, he stares off into space dreaming of scooby snacks and skinny dipping while Elyse dreams out their future together.

This goes on until Ben literally cannot take it anymore, so he begins his date wrap up speech. The cruel twist is that he’s holding the rose. So Elyse is all excited, huge smile on her face, thinking that she’s got this in the bag. But then the moment changes and Drew cowers behind his laptop praying that this will all just end before it’s even begun.

We’re forced to suffer through a cringe-worthy, embarrassing goose bump inducing, secondary embarrassment overload. The tears come fast and furious and it’s all downhill. He breaks the news and then does the one thing that infuriates me more than anything on this show, he walks her “out” while holding her hand.

You just broke this poor, pathetic girl’s hopes and dreams – just let her leave on her own.

He leads her down the beach while she wonders aloud what she did wrong. Oh Elyse, sometimes two people just aren’t a match but if you want specifics that dress was horrible, a ponytail never hurt a girl and tone down the tanning.

And then there it is. The getaway boat. It’s not the yacht dingy but a little coast guard-type boat ready to get her out of the picture. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they cue the David Gray music. NO NO NOOOOOO!!!! Why must they torture this perfectly good song? I’ll never be able to truly enjoy it again.

The date finally ends with Ben poignantly dropping the rose in the sand.

END SCENE.

But wait, there’s no time for sulking – Crazy Courtney is here to make it all better. She’s positioned her stalker self outside his hotel room and waited with wine, nothing on, lotion, a knife and a slew of compliments… for herself of course.

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” “I hope I’m a vision for him.” “I’m little miss sunshine, I just sprinkle it around.”

Yes, those are all direct quotes. The last one being BY FAR the worst.

They head out to the beach where Courtney and Ben quickly disrobe and Baywatch it into the ocean. Some overly familiar heavy petting ensues while I fight the urge to heave my dinner. They have to skinny dip because (as Courtney reminded us like 19 times) “You’re only in Puerto Rice once.”

That Courtney. She’s something isn’t she?

Rose Ceremony Time.

The first question the group of girls discuss is their confidence level. Courtney evokes her most annoying feature, her mouth, to do some weird lip pop while emphatically saying “Yup!”

Jennifer is one of the first to score some alone time with Ben where we catch a glipse of her seriously unfortunate flip flops (c’mon Red!). Her time gets pretty awkward as she gushes about how much she likes Ben. When she said “I think we’re on a path to love” I got the SE chills.

Next up Blakely, who confesses to keeping a daily affirmation journal of her love for Ben (creepy kinda). This blog is pretty similar wouldn’t you say?

Blakely has finally opened herself up to love and is ready to move forward with Ben or any other man if this whole thing doesn’t work. You know, she’s just gotta keep her options open. Strippers need love too. This outpouring of affection is sealed with a wet, sloppy, aggressive (did you see the grip she had on his face?) open mouth kiss.

Back to the girls who are coincidentally talking about skinny dipping (c’mon one of those girls had to be planted). Courtney can barely keep her secret. She looks like a 6 year-old girl just ready to burst at the seams.

After some time with Rachel and then Lindzi, it’s Emily’s turn. I’m hoping Em can keep it under control since she seems nice and mildly normal. Nope – she tells Ben she’s not going to talk about Courtney and then proceeds to talk about her for their entire time together. Ben is NOT digging it (we know this because the producers play Track 8 – “Not digging it” from their greatest hits soundtrack) and I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one leaving us tonight. Oh Emily, I had such high hopes for you.

One last note, what is Kacy S. still doing there? All she does is sit next to Courtney and reassure her. She is the Karen Smith to her Regina George.

Rose Time:

Kacie B. and Nicki (the twins) have roses.

Lindzi – He loves her even if she does act 11.
Jamies – Woah Prom Dress.
Rachel – Yay!
Courtney – Stop biting that lip!
Kacy S.
Blakely

Last rose goes to… Jennifer or Emily….

Emily! Woah, she got the cool your crazy rose two weeks in a row. She must be a good kisser or something.

That means Jennifer’s “path to love” has hit a dead-end. And this dead-end is a doozy. This interview is full of hiccup cries (has there ever been anything worse on TV/film than a hiccup cry?). I hate hiccup cries. Couple those with a “I just wonder what I did wrong” and I’m ready to change the channel. Oh this one is BAD. I’m afraid she may choke on her tears. Hopefully there’s a medic somewhere near. Yikes.

Enough of that, let’s talk about next week’s trip. It’s off to Panama City which promises to be full of Emily/Courtney drama, crying, binge drinking, crying, someone leaving, kissing, hot tubs and bikinis. Woo Hoo.

This was by far the best episode of the season and it gave me the mid-season boost I needed to continue.
What were your favorite/least favorite moments? Who’s your favorite? How much do you hate Courtney?

Also, if you get a chance please head over here and vote for me for best style blogger for my other blog LouWhatWear.com. Just scroll down and vote for Danielle! Seriously, it would mean the WORLD to me!

Until next time… stay tuned!

The Evil Plot Continues. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 4 Recap

Sorry this recap is so later. I watched last night’s episode with my family in Miami and spent the day traveling back home to Louisville. So I apologize for the delay, hopefully it’s worth the wait (probably not but oh well, it’s all I’ve got).

This week we’re in the perfect place to fall in love. Perfect place, perfect guy, everything is just perfect. Well everything except Courtney. But more on that later, let’s hear what Ben thinks about Park City, Utah.

“There is every color in the rainbow” here in Park City according to our resident poet Ben. Ahh Ben, your words paint a beautiful picture.

We get a small clip of home video footage so we know the girls made it. Get ready for a week full of nature…. and champagne.

The girls arrive in their always fabulous hotel home for the week and we’re subject to the standard minute of “Oohs,” “Wows!” and “There’s a hot tub!!”Between gushing, we find out that, the always on the verge of tears, Nicki is really nervous. Shocker.

But there’s no time to fret because Chris Harrison is in the house, looking oh so casual-chic in his half-zip pullover. You can tell he’s just getting this little piece of business out of the way before he heads out for a full day of skiing and apres-ski hot tubbing.

The run down for this episode is as follows: 3 dates. 1 group. 2 one-on-ones. One rose on each date. To which you’re probably saying “duh” but this time Chris isn’t just here to drop the date card and run. He gets real with the chicks and let’s them know that this shizz is important so no more talking about the weather (chances that’s just a request from producers?). It’s time to get real and talk love.

Yup, they're competing for this guy's love and affection.

First up. Rachel – Let Nature Takes It’s Course.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty happy that Rachel finally gets a one-on-one. I’ve liked her from the start so I was hoping this was her time to shine. Unfortunately, I was wrong. But before we get into that, we have to hear Kacie B. whining about missing out on the date card. Our favorite baton twirler has fallen HARD for Bachelor Ben and is having a hell of hard time sharing him with the others. It’s so rough that the thought of it is making her nauseous. Too bad that’s what this show is all about.

While the girls grill Rachel about the upcoming date, Kacie B. fights back the spits well that is until Ben walks in and saves her weak stomach. Crisis Averted.

Scratch that, back to Kacie B. who is now talking about how the last thing she wants to see is another girl riding in a helicopter with Ben. This interview is interrupted by the sounds of the girls yelling, “Look! It’s a helicopter!” and her worst fears are realized instantaneously. You’d almost think someone was filming them? Is this a set up?

Enough of Kacie B. and her maddening love for Ben. There’s a helicopter date going on. Side note: I’m happy they’ve brought back the mid-season helicopter date. That was seriously lacking last season.

So up in the heli, Ben and Rachel do exactly what CH told them not to do – they talk about the weather/scenery. Strike One.

Strike two comes moments later as these two take their pic-a-nic basket down to the water front. This date is not coming along as I expected. I was hoping for Rachel to be normal, cool, confident and generally awesome. Instead she comes off as guarded, awkward, mildly insecure but still really pretty.

They pile into a canoe where the awkward convo continues. Thankfully Ben uses his signature move, the filling awkward silences with an open mouth kiss, and while it’s still uncomfortable to watch, it’s WAY better than listening to them say “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” for the 33342305345th time.

Back at the resort…Monica baits Kacie B. into talking about how obsessed she is with Ben. Has she been planted by the producers? A few crazy in love comments later and we’re back to …

Rachel and Ben. Maybe it’s because they’re not total trainwrecks but this is a BORING date. Really boring. Rachel spends almost every moment telling us how nervous she is. We get it Rachel. But really, this is a television show you gotta do SOMETHING. Anything over than talking about the scenery and weather.

Since this date gets painfully drawn out, I’m going to spare all of us the misery. Here’s how it goes down. Dinner date. Awkward convo. Rachel finally opens up. Something about being bad at dating. Looking pretty. Drinking Champagne. Open Mouth Kissing. Rose Getting. Date Ending.

Group Date: Taking the Bait with Jamie, Kacy S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and DUH DUN DUN Courtney.

A note about Courtney before we head out on the group date.

Courtney is a psychopath…. and running the risk of eating her bottom lip. (Is that bugging the shit out of anyone else? Seriously, that lip thing is beginning to INFURIATE me. How can we make it stop?)

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, we can focus on the date.

The girls put on their best country looks and meet up with their “cowboy” which in Park City is synonymous with “Knight in Shining Armor with long flowing brown hair.”

Turns out they all get to go horse back riding which immediately sends Lindzi into a horsey frenzy. Ole girl loves her some horses.

While Lindzi prefers the company of horses, Nicki prefers anything and everything to do with Ben. She is some obsessed with him, which wouldn’t be so absurd except that that it seems like she hasn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone with him this season.

The girls dismount and it’s on to the fly fishing portion of the date. Here’s where things really get fishy.

Outfitted in their waders, Kacie B. continues along the road to crazy town while Courtney continues along the road to be hated by every TV viewer in America.

Courtney on Kacie B. (this starts the trend of the producers sharing Courtney’s insights on all the girls) “I think [she] is sweet and cute… and annoying.” Oh Courtney, we can always count on you to say something nice.

This leads nicely into the …

Live look at the girls left behind. Yes, it appears that everyone is just sitting around and talking shit about Courtney which, at first, seems a little annoying but then I realize that if I was there I would totally be doing the same thing (except I would never be there, such a conundrum).

Back on the date though, Courtney can do no wrong in our Bachelor’s eyes. He is a smitten kitten. The dorky smile on his face as he talks about her says it all.

Ben abandones the safety of the other girls and ventures into Courtney’s evil web of lies. There he is caught (no pun intended) and hooked (okay, that one was intended). Courtney holds him in her grasp with her hair touching, lip biting and stupidity.

The producers realize the girls haven’t had a drink in approximately 5 hours, so they hand them all a beer which gives Lindzi the liquid courage to sabotage Courtney’s one on one time. She’s about to hook Ben but then Courtney hooks a fish and Lindzi is sent back to the back, tail between her horsey legs.

Courtney’s evil plan conitnues to unfold perfectly while the girls complain aloud, pissed that the Wicked Witch has caught the proverbial fish that is Ben.

Enough of this fishing nonsense, let’s skip ahead to the bikinis and binge drinking portion of our date.

Side note: How have Jamie and Kacy S. made it this long?

And as if on cue, ready to provide an answer to everyone’s question – Ben pulls Kacy S. aside. Ben is clearly taken with her which is confusing since I thought he just met her.

While they chit chat, the girls consider toasting/making a pact (that’s how you make a pact on this show – with champagne, duh) to not interrupt each others alone time. Nicki immediately pulls back her glass, says “Nicki don’t play that” and storms off to interrupt the shit out of Kacy’s alone time. Get it girl.

During their solo time, Nicki drops a sob story about her boss passing away. They then bond because Ben too lost someone before leaving for filming. This is an emotional moment. How do I know that? Because the producers cued up Track 7: Super Sad Dead Friend/Relative Music from The Bachelor: Hits to Hook Up To. Their shared emotion obviously leads to an open mouth kiss which concludes their time together because obviously, what more could Ben want with her?

On to the next one, which as it happens is one of my favorites (more in a train wreck way than a seriously good way) – Samantha Sash. Sweet little Sam brought along the girls, who she thinks are her secret weapons. Instead they are her achilles heal, well them and her acid mouthed tongue.

Here’s where things get weird. So Sam grills Ben. Asking him why she hasn’t had a one-on-one, wondering if he really likes her, wondering where this will go. Then Ben breaks it to her. She is “highly emotional” and this shit ain’t going no where. Samantha is as shocked as we are, the crying starts, she says her goodbyes and she hits the road.

The worst part is that he walks her out. Just let her leave with dignity.

As Samantha exits, Courtney (who apparently is the new narrator – COME BACK CH! Don’t leave us alone with her!) mutters “Excellent” under her breath and enjoys seeing another girl bite the dust.

With Samantha discarded, Ben turns his attention to the always needy Kacie B. He takes her off to his room where he makes her feel “special.” No telling what exactly that means but I don’t think I want to know. After some insanely uncomfortable and LOUD kissing (during which time I noticed how horrible Ben’s hair really is), Ben takes Kacie B. back to hot tub where we have to pay more attention to Courtney.

The last part of her plot to ruin the group date involves her laying on top of Ben in her bikini while complaining that she is “having a hard time ~~pretending to be human~~.” She drops this line on him as he goes in for a big, wet, sloppy kiss. She puts the kibosh on that. No kissing until she gets that rose. She weaves a sob story about how she’s feeling vulnerable, unsure and is not doing well in the house (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I scream at the TV to which my family responds with scared glances). Since Ben is totally wrapped up in her spell, he immediately jumps up, sprints to the rose and delivers it at her feet. She rewards him with a scooby snack while I yell, scream and get oddly upset about his idiocy (why why why am I surprised).

This exchange makes me 100% positive that she is an evil witch. Well that and her saying “Winning!” a la Charlie Sheen three times in this episode alone. Ugh, I hate her.

Craters and Country with Jennifer.

The last date is by far the worst date of the season so far and not just because of Jennifer’s awful outfit.

Let’s talk about it. You’re telling me that no one in that house could have lent her something better to wear than a ratty sweater, some baby blue uber flare bell bottoms circa 2001 and some low-top Converse sneakers. Blech.

The first part of the date involves Jennifer and Ben hiking to a crater where they rappel into the pool below. This TERRIFIES Jennifer for some reason and I stop paying attention as she shrieks like a little girl the entire way down. They take a quick swim (and we get a look at Jennifer’s horrible yellow bikini that she picked up 15 years ago at 5-7-9) and we’re painfully forced to watch them tread water. I think that may be the worst SE I’ve had all season. Jennifer seriously looked like she might drown. Someone throw that girl a floaty. Please. Make. It. Stop.

On to dinner, where “nothing can ruin [her] perfect date with Ben.” Um, I can think of one thing, not getting a rose.

After some seriously boring conversation, Jennifer snags the rose and some loud wet kisses. He must have a thing for red heads.

Getting the rose means Jennifer has earned the right to attend the final portion of the date – a Clay Walker concert. This hurts my heart since I like Clay Walker. You’re better than this Clay – so much better. They sing (but definitely don’t know the words) and dance. One thing that Jennifer didn’t get is dipped. Did you all see her throw her head back and leg up, not once but TWICE, in an attempt to get dipped? It was AH – MAH – ZING. If you DVR’ed it, please go back and check it out. I definitely watched it like 6 times.

Rose Ceremony Time.

As I said, I watched this episode at home and before this segment starts my mom decides to go and take a bath. I let her know that she is certainly going to miss the best part, you know the part where they get drunk and wear pretty dresses. Alas, that wasn’t enough to keep her interested. Her loss.

Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer are in the clear. Game on for the rest of the gals.

Okay but before, I have to say this Courtney lip thing is literally driving me crazy. That can’t be normal right? Why does she do that!?!

After a quick toast, he grabs Monica for some one on one time. While they get to know one another, Emily continues to fall pray to Courtney’s evil plan. We haven’t really talked out it this recap but anyone who watched the episode knows that Courtney is literally driving Emily crazy. She is unraveling and all Courtney can do is watch and smile, oh yeah and mess with her hair.

Jamie, who hasn’t spoken once this episode, drops some truth “Obviously you care about him or this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.” Uh, you think. Courtney has clearly gotten under her skin.

So Emily grabs some alone time and instead of wasting it talking about the weather, she wastes it by talking about how disingenuous one of the girls is. She says she won’t name names but then says “this girl got the rose on the group date.” Okay, way to stay cool. But much to Emily’s dismay, Ben rejects Emily’s “gossip” and tells her to go make friends.

After her awkward time with Ben, Emily comes back to talk to Kacy and Jamie about her unraveling. Bad choice to confide in Kacy, who it turns out is Courtney’s one friend in the house (so that’s how she’s stuck around so long- Courtney has let her in on the evil plot. Things are coming together).

Kacy runs back to her puppet master to let her know everything Emily has said about her. Shits about to go down.

“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me,” says Courtney. Followed by, “I almost just wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” Definitely something a nice person would do.

After some brief one-on-one time with Nicki, we get back to the real drama – the Emily and Courtney hair twirling stand off. That’s how you know this shit is serious. Well that and the overly dramatic music.

The girls gather around in a circle and the show down begins. Courtney cackles and her evil lip takes on Emily. Emily stands no chance and withers under the pressure. She’s all sobs and runny mascara while Courtney doesn’t even break a sweat although she did sneak in another “Winning!” Woof.

Emily clearly has cracked under Courtney’s spell. The side effects are a serious face/nose twitch.

After lots more sadness, CH is on the scene looking good. But before e can even get a word in edge wise, Ben cuts in and ruins the moment.

Side notes: What’s the deal with Blakely’s love of super long dangly earrings? Are Ben and Chris wearing matching suits?

Rose time: 8 roses to hand out. One girl heading home.

Rachel, Jennifer and the Wicked Witch have Roses.

Lindzi

Jamie (still lying low, still hanging around, still wearing sparkles)

Nicki

Kacie B.

Elyse (how is she still here?)

Blakely (one more girl gets to get highlights)

Kacy S. (at least we know who she is now)

Emily gets put on notice. The, as we call it around here, “keep your crazy under control” warning rose.

Aw Monica has to go home. She wasn’t half bad and her limo cry wasn’t so embarrassing. I mean, a little but not tragic.

Next stop: Puerto Rico.

To which the one-upper aka Courney replies “I was there two months ago.” Someone punch her please.

It seems next week will be chock full of more Emily & Courtney drama. That and Kacie B. being overly dramatic and familiar with Ben.

What did you think of this episode? Do you hate Courtney too? Are you afraid if you comment yes that she will cast a spell on you?

Until next time… stay tuned!

3 Comments

Filed under The Bachelor, Uncategorized

Tagged as ABC, Bachelor, ben, Chris Harrison, Courtney, humor, Kacie B, Lindzi, Park City Utah, Rachel, rose ceremony, The Bachelor

January 17, 2012 · 10:18 am

I left my dignity in San Francisco. – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Recap

And we’re back for week three. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?

This episode is sure to be one to remember. It appears we’ll get to hear one more girl (I think the running count is 98 now) say “I can feel myself falling for {insert bachelor name here},” we’re also promised Ben describing a girl using the word “sparkles,” and {get excited} Shawntel in stripper shoes! What more could you ask for?!

The girls are excited, especially Nicki who “feels the only way” she can experience San Francisco ”is with Ben.” Oh Nicki. So so desperate. I mean, one of America’s greatest cities can only be appreciated within arms reach of one of America’s shaggiest Bachelors.

When you put it in a coffee mug no one thinks Champagne. Image Source: ABC

On a side note, someone needs to cut that boy’s hair. Can’t someone just sneak in while he’s sleeping (or liqurored up after a rose ceremony) and trim that puppy up? His bangs are becoming a serious distraction. Side note number two, is Ben planning this season alone? What happened to visits to Chang Mai and Anguilla? Instead we’re just traveling up and down the coast of California. Yeah it’s nice but I like to get some value out of this show and the scenic views (no, not i’m not talking about that kind of scenic views) were one of them.

So Ben sits down with his faithful sidekick/sister Julia to give a detailed recap of last week’s episode. The breakdown makes me wonder if Ben realizes this is only week three and his “meet the fam” episode isn’t for like 9 weeks.

Half an ice tea later, Julia is bored and already significantly dumber after hearing about how amazing and ready for love each of the ~~bimbos~~ bachelorettes are. She wishes him luck on his “journey,” rolls her eyes and returns to her life, thanking her lucky stars that it will be three months before she has to deal with this bull again.

Thankfully, Chris Harrison swoops in to save us from Ben’s horrid, solo recaps (doesn’t he know he lacks the experience, editing know-how and access to the Bachelor soundtrack CDs that make for a success recap?). CH is here to explain how the show works to the girlies. They pretend to follow along and jump up excitedly when he throws them the date card. Unfortunately for us all, he escapes for a night of drinking with the boys while the girls clamor for the date info.

Emily, Love Lifts Us Up. – Ben.

The girls seethed with jealousy hoping that the cryptic message means that Ben will be dumping her off the side of a building. While the other girls plot, Emily does what any girl about to go on a date does – frets. She wonders “will he like me… will he think i’m pretty… will I pee my pants?” Yes, inquiring minds want to know Emily – will you pee your pants? Ah, the perils of being a contestant on The Bachelor.

Emily’s concerns are all very valid in Courtney, the wicked witch of the west’s, dead eyes. She sees Emily’s smarts (must have remembered that she’s some sort of doctor) but in her oddest, most vapidly conniving face she proclaims into her magical mirror, “Book smart can be a little boring.”

Let the SE begin, Emily & Ben execute the awkward run meet up. This may be one of my most hated parts of this show but I am also oddly intrigued by its constant reappearance on the show. One hug and twirl later and it’s date time.

The big surprise is that they’re climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. It’s about damn time we got a date where they make one of the girls “face their fears” (this usually involves heights, crying and kissing). Some safety dude in a reflective vest reminds us this is serious business and I wish he knew just how serious. This is a climb for true love.

Hold on to my mouth.

I wonder if this is some sort of Bachelor meets Final Destination twist the producers planned this season in an attempt to permanently eliminate one girl from the competition each week. A girl can dream.

Oh well, one thing the producers did manage to take care of was strategically placing a telescope in the hotel room (what those aren’t standard?) pointed directly at the Bay Bridge. I think they may have thrown something sparkly in front of it just as Ben & Emily locked lips for their first “so romantic it occurred on the Bay Bridge” kiss.

If that wasn’t enough to set your heart a flutter, the two individually compare their hike and conquering their fear to their “quest for love.” Maybe these two are meant to be. If they can take this bridge together, they can do anything!

They hug until their bodies can physically hug no more and it’s off to dinner. (Wait, how do we get down from here?)

During dinner, Ben & Emily share their dating horror stories which include a failed proposal and an attempted set-up with a sibling (he wins). In between grunts and blank nodding from Ben, Emily shares that she hopes to conquer her two biggest fears in one night – rejection & heights (Oh Bachelor, you’re always making dreams come true). She’ll have to wait because…

… back at the penthouse pajama party, the group date card has arrived.

Everyone but Britteney, Lindzi and Courtney will be crossing something off their “leap list.”

Enough of that, we’re back at the bridge where it looks like Ben is about to pull a humpty dumpty off his stool. After not paying attention to whatever Emily is saying, Ben cuts in, talks more about his dad and single-handedly wipes away Emily’s fear of rejection … for now.

She gets the rose and like a bat signal to the girls waiting by the windows, firecrackers pop into the sky. Their roars silence the tears of the girls weeping as they cry themselves to sleep.

Leaping Into Love

We're going skiing bitches! Image: ABC

The girls are all gussied up in their semi-slutty sundresses and stilettos. But Ben has a surprise, we’re going skiing? What, in summertime? Impossible you say!? Nope, not on the Bachelor. “WHHHAAAATT?” the girls say in unison. Ben tells them to put a sock in it while he shows off the features of their sponsored cars.

All the prep wasn’t in vain though. This isn’t your grandma’s (or anyone else in your family unless you have a porn star for a relative) skiing. This is Bachelor skiing which means the girls will be stripping down to their string bikinis to slide down the streets of San Fran.

The pros at The Bachelor have figured out a way to make skiing slutty. It’s like they’re just begging for a nip slip. While the good people of San Francisco gape, wondering what in the hell has happened to their fair city, all I can wonder, “is this a porno?”

We get a quick reprieve for the next date card presentation. This date is for the Grandma-loving Britteney. “Let’s unlock our love with a key to the city.” But it appears that ole Brit doesn’t want to unlock anything of Ben’s. Emily tries to convince Brit Brit that she and Shaggy will have a ton o fun but Brit ain’t buying it. I’m thinking she may be packing her bags in no time flat.

The girls put their clothes back on so Ben can take them to this “rad” bar to hang out or as contestants call it, binge drink. Ben decides which girl he wants to tongue kiss first and this time it’s…

…Rachel! He steals her away for a quick complement session before a brief but graphic (see below) make out sesh. But all that open mouth kissing under Kacie B.’s watchful eye has her on the verge so Ben does what any red-blooded American man would do…

…takes her on a walk and then sucks the crazy right out of her mouth. He’s required to do this after he notices Kacie’s uncanny ability to “sparkle.”

Back at the hotel, Britteney begins to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t want to be a part of this charade. So she packs her stuff up and heads back to Granny’s.

As Britteney packs, Courtney nods into the mirror, acknowledging to her only ally that their evil plan is coming along perfectly.

Back on the date, Ben decides he wants to tongue kiss and sneak a boobie grab in with Blakeley. But before he can make a move, Britteney crashes the date to let Ben know she’s heading over the river and through the woods back to Grandma’s. Ben, once again, demonstrates his inability to show emotion and stares ahead blankly wondering when he can get back to trying to feel up Blakeley.

Ben stuffs her in a cab, sends his regards to Grandma and heads back into the tiki hut to consider the future…

… and who will get the date rose!

Tonight’s rose goes to”someone unexpected” Ben says although I pretty much expected it since the producers gave us a pretty graphic shot of these two open mouth kissing. Yup, it’s our favorite fashionista Rachel.

End Scene.

Trolley Hopping with Lindzi

It’s time for the annual concert date and I’m anxiously awaiting to see this year’s performer. Who will follow in the long line of adult contemporary artists forced to take the stage by their management?

The girls wake from the slumber party that never stops and clamor to find out who will get Britteney’s cast-aside date card. The honor goes to the resident equestrian Lindzi who is so consumed with excitement she makes Kacie B. seem normal. This news hits Ariel and Ursula (Jennifer and Courtney) hard, each hoping that they would be the poor unfortunate soul (YES! Finally worked in a Little Mermaid reference!) to get the last date with Ben in San Fran.

Who is this guy? Image Source: ABC

This date is a trolley hop around town where they cut the line at all of Ben’s favorite haunts. They spoil their dinner with a scoop of ice cream and then points out the stall in Chinatown where he scoops his weed. And then it’s on to the concert which takes place behind lock & key in City Hall. How romantic. They sway to music of Matt Nathanson (who for his own dignity’s sake probably forbid them from saying his name more than once), spin, dip and bounce to the next stop. Dinner is at a speakeasy where Lindzi attempts to act so surprised but we know she’s not since she’s sporting her favorite modern-day flapper look.

This is where the embarrassment sets in. As long as Ben is moving from task to task, he has little time to look insanely awkward trying to hold a conversation. But dinner presents a unique challenge – five (or what feels like an eternity) of chit-chat. He is void of all emotion until Lindzi lays the “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” text break-up story on him. Ben chokes back laughter and for once seems human.

Ben knows he can’t let her go home empty-handed after sharing her text-to-dump story, so he gives her the rose and takes her to one last stop. They open up shop at a piano store where he “teaches” her how to play his favorite song, yup you know it, just when you thought they couldn’t ruin a perfectly good song anymore, David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” is back. And it is now confirmed that I can never enjoy that song the same way again. We close with some tongue kissing (blech) and dreams of happily ever after.

The Bitch is Back

It’s Shawntel time. You remember Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal) from Brad’s season (which, it must be said, was far more entertaining than this one). You know, the one who worked with the dead.

Welp, Shawntel hopped in her convertible and cruised down the coast of Cali to have her shot at Ben. She calls up our main man CH and let’s him know she’s coming back for round two. Apparently she and Ben met at one of the Bachelor cast reunion/drunk fest/orgy’s and had a “connection.” She doesn’t want to miss another chance at love so she’s throwing her name in the hat.

As she approaches like a storm from the north, the girls zip up their sparkliest dresses, highest heels and party pants ready to hunt for love. Courtney assembles the girls using the guise of a toast to a “drama-free” night but we all know she has roofied the girls as part of her evil scheme. Oh Courtney, you may have fooled these skanks and Shaggy but you’re not pulling the wool over my eyes.

Red aka Ariel aka Jennifer pulls Ben aside and lays it on the line that “she likes him.” Cue the intense onset of secondary embarrassment. A little slip up turns into a giant mess when she continues to gush all over him (using the word “dreamy” which literally made my skin crawl – seriously? are you 13?). Ben diffuses the awkwardness in the only way he knows possible, by slipping his tongue down her throat (hey, at least she stopped talking). The kiss causes Ariel to proclaim that she is “falling in love” at which point I lunged at the TV screaming, “YOU ARE NOT in LOVE. You have know this guy for a week, max. I repeat, you are not in love.”

Shawntel finally makes her way to the hotel where she meets up with CH who immediately tells her she needs a shower and a blow out. STAT. He sends her to her room to get her act together so she can crash the party in style.

Not one to let camera time be diverted from her evil plot, Courtney gives us her expert commentary on some of the girls. (None of whom she would be friends with in the real world. Um Courtney, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared.)

Nicki – Sweet but an idiot (may have to agree with that one).

Blakeley – the girl your boyfriends cheats on you with (yeah probably have to agree with that one too).

Before we can find out her thoughts on the enigma that is Kacie S., we’re back at the party where Courtney accuses Kacie B. of “eying” Elyse. Happy with her ability to stir up drama, she exits and leaves to find Ben with tension and drama in her wake Thankfully, Emily (who is going up in my book every episode as long as she cools it with the rapping) recognizes Courtney’s wickedness and informs everyone that she is “weird.”

She and Ben use a secret passage (so many of those this episode) to escape to the roof (be careful Ben) where Ben wonders aloud “I don’t know what you did to me the other day.” “C’mon Ben,” I scream at the TV. “Can’t you see she’s a wiked witch who has cast an evil spell on you?” Ah, if only someone would let him know.

Courtney then drops the ultimate crazy on him (while of course, bitting her lip), “We’d make really cute babies.” Whoa woah woah. You can tell Ben is even a little creeped out by this (it’s hard to tell sometimes) and laughs awkwardly while begging for someone to step in for the steal.

Back to Shawntel, who clearly is still of the mindset that she needs a reality show to find love. She knows that she’ll fall instantly in love with Ben as I throw my remote across the room in utter amazement and disgust. She waltzes in all nonchalant past the bevy of beauties posted up too nervous to actually speak with Ben. They immediately crow “Who the hell is that bitch?” Their anger is palpable as they chase her in the most passive aggressive way possible – at least two feet behind her without actually speaking to her directly. Shawntel makes her way to Ben, who is chatting up Elyse, who is so surprised (hello emotion!) that she is greeted with a “Holy Shit!”

Yup, the grim reaper is in the {pent} house.

A quick break and we’re back to a chorus of “Who IS that?” “Who is that BITCH?” “Who the hell is SHE?” that is until one of the Bachelor-buffs recognizes Shawntel from Brad’s season. Let the insults begin!

Supresa!

I’m going to have to break in here. So I get that they are pissed. But do these girls not already realize they are in a competition for one man’s affection with 20+ other girls? What’s one more? Yeah she’s a little late to the party (and a little desperate, I get it) but c’mon – it’s not Sister Wives here. It’s a show where you try to beat other girls at love.

Okay back to the madness. Shawntel attempts to explain she appearance to Ben while the girls circle around her like hormonal sharks. I feel increasingly awkward as each camera angle shows more and more hateful, watching eyes. Yowza.

After a quick chat, Ben takes Shawntel inside where he introduces her to the wolves and then leaves her to be slaughtered. She fumbles to explain herself as they pull her apart limb by limb.

Rebecca Black, in an attempt to make herself feel better, proclaims that Shawntel is uglier in person and has huge calves (okay, I’ve been saying that since she donned her first party dress).

Courtney, on the other hand, is pissed that another evil queen is on the scene and in true juvenile fashion, storms out. “If he gives her a rose, I’m leaving!” Jacklyn chimes in that Shawntel is just Brad’s dumpster trash (um, soon to be pot meet kettle).

Shawntel’s appearance on the scene has unleashed the crazy. Yikes. Ben, in a fleeting moment of intelligence, calls off the angry mob and says it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s worth noting that Shawntel has some serious cojones coming back. It’s also worth noting that the shoes in the preview (sparkly, strappy, slutty) are NOT Shawntel’s shoes (Ahh ABC editing, you get me every time – should have known those were Blakeley’s glittery gold strappies.)

Rose Time:
Emily, Rachel and Lindzi all have roses.

The rest go to…

Courtney – She’s up first but can’t decide whether to accept this rose. Its been “heavy tonight since I saw you talking to what’s her butt.” Yes, that’s an exact quote. She really did say that. Do you think she’ll give it back if Shawntel gets a rose? Gah, I hope so.

Kacie B.

Elyse

Each girl seems to be rubbing it in Shawntel’s face when they get a rose. Oh girls.

Jamie
Jennifer
Kacie S. – Seriously? When are we going to get to meet this girl?
Blakeley
Nicki the Nurse Who is BY FAR the most emotionally unstable girl left in the game.
Monica
Samantha

And the final rose goes to…

Hold your horses. It’s a Ben monologue. Nope, it’s a Rebecca Black meltdown. It appears that binge drinking, high heels and standing for 6 hours have finally caught up with someone. This meltdown has given us more time to hear the gals hate on the evil death force that is Shawntel. “It’s all HER fault!”

They prop up Rebecca Black so we can get this thing over with and we finally get to hear Ben string together three full sentences.

After giving a breakdown of how wonderful (yeah right) the three remaining girls (Shawntel, Rebecca Black and Jacklyn) are, the final rose goes to NO ONE.

Bombshell.

As the girls scatter away in tears (or literally collapse to the ground in dismay – I’m looking at you RB), Courtney let’s out an evil cackle to cement her reign of terror over the group and cast Shawntel out into the wilderness. (Okay, I’m getting carried away with this, I know, but you’ll have to get used to it).

This Happened.

Shawntel’s left to pack up her suitcase full of one-shoulder dresses and head back to family funeral home. Unfortunately, her second stint on the Bachelor turned out worse than the first. Here’s hoping this is her last appearance.

In between, Shawntel’s self-recognition (“I just feel so dumb.” Uh, you can say that again), we find out the girls are heading to Park City (you know just another perfect place to fall in love). Not the tropical destination I was hoping for but at least they’re getting out-of-town.

Next week we’re in store for more “falling in love” bikinis, evil spells and yay! the reappearance of hot tubs! And it looks like the rag-tag gang of Disney Princesses come together to take down the evil queen. Although I’m not getting my hopes up.

What did you think of Shawntel’s reappearance? Was this the best (and by best, I mean most embarrassingly juicy) episode yet this season? Who are your favorites?

Also, I’ll be featuring a guest post tomorrow. So get excited.

Until then… stay tuned!

6 Comments

Filed under The Bachelor

Tagged as ABC, Bachelor, ben, Chris Harrison, Courtney, emily, rose ceremony, Shawntel, The Bachelor

January 3, 2012 · 12:01 pm

“This Year’s Love It’ll Last. I’ve been waiting on my own. too. long.” – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 1

Well I’m back. Officially in the most shocking way possible, with Chris Harrison by my side, back. Ready for the most shocking, amazing, crazy, ridiculous most unexpected and insane season of The Bachelor ever.

And what better way to start the newest season than to relive the awful misery of Ben’s failed proposal. Yup, awkward solo boat ride to oblivion and all. Can we all agree that was one of the more painful moments in SE history? Okay, now that we’ve all agreed on that we can move on.

Cheers to getting drunk and crying! Image: ABC

Thankfully Ben has moved on as well and has “no regrets.” I’m hoping this only applies to his relationship with Ashley and not his unfortunate rendezvous with a tank top. Other than wearing tight girls clothing Ben’s just been running his winery, hanging out in San Fran, building bon fires with friends and drinking wine. Very similar to a group date on The Bachelor without the hot tubs, cameras and desperate floozies. (My spell-check wanted me to switch that to floppies which could have been an appropriate fix.)

We know Ben is fine because he tells us so ad nauseam in his introspective monologues. I want to hate on the monologues but I can’t lie, I’ve missed them (and don’t act like you haven’t. it’s been like 6 months).

We close this look back with a little performance of David Gray’ ‘This Year’s Love” which I’m guessing means that ole David will be making an appearance on Episode 4. Note to David: Don’t do it.

It seems our boy has been busy since getting left off the coast Fiji last season. You know just filling his time with standard activities like kayaking, carrying logs, driving a bulldozer, playing piano, wearing tank tops and hanging with friends (okay, at least that last one is normal). It appears that he’ll be bringing a lot to the table this season and by a lot, I mean a lot of awkwardness and bad hair.

CH steps in and saves us from the madness/sadness that is Ben’s life and let’s us know that we can buck-up thinking about all the madness that’s to come on the best way to usher in a new year aka the two-hour Bachelor premier. Yup, the cocktail party is just around the corner.

Missed you, mean it. Image: ABC

Yup, after that preview it’s official. I have seriously missed this. I forgot how much I missed it until just… Now.

And just like that Chris Harrison is there welcoming us bank like the old friend he is. So nice to see you too Chris. How did the holidays treat you? Get any new skinny ties? Flannel shirts (from Brad of course)? V-Neck tees? Ahh, we’ll catch up later.

Let’s meet the ladies with compelling (read: sad/loony/unique/vapid) enough back stories to share with the masses.

First up, Lindzi. Nope that’s not a typo, her name is legitimately spelled that way. Don’t ask. Thankfully for her, this is not her fault. She only has her parents to blame for that one. The only bad news is that the people who gave her that name raised her. Moving on, Lindzi (I am never going to get used to typing that) loves riding horses, being from Texas and tanning. Oh yeah and she got dumped by quite possible the biggest douchebag in the history of mankind and I’m not talking about Brad Womack.
Amber - All you need to know about Amber are she loves camo, killing things, having weird, distracting bangs and eating beef nuts (nope that’s not a typo or a joke).
Kacie (what’s the deal with the “ie” ending? Clearly parents in the early 80′s were digging that.) Poor Kacie gives us a huge helping of SE and we’ve just met her. It makes me a little uncomfortable talking about falling in love with a guy you watched on TV (well, unless that guy is Ames). She follows it up with a move she stole from our favorite sun god Ryan and makes a heart with her hands. Yikes.
Courtneyis a model. Yeah, she’s modeled a lot of stuff. She stays busy being a model. Did you know she models?
Tell me I'm a model or you'll get it. Image: ABC
Jamie is a nurse. Yeah she has some daddy issues (I mean, don’t they all?) but she seems nice enough and semi-normal. I like her which most likely means she’ll be eliminated instead of some crying most mess.
Lyndsie (yes, once again that is the proper spelling) is British and the daughter of an ambassador. If that wasn’t enough, she has her name painted on the side of her car and loves wearing costumes. She’s crazy but in the fun way.
Oh no, Jenna thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw. Except the only thing she has in common with SJP’s alter-ego, other than living in New York City, is the horse nostrils. She’s been speaking for less than 30 seconds but I already know she’s painfully insecure. She’s also said crazy at least 6 times (prelude of what’s to come?).
Shawn has a legit job but a less than legit dye job. Beyond her two-toned hair she is the mother of a cute little man.
Nicki comes from a long line of dental hygenist contestants on The Bachelor. She’ll bring her sparkly white smile and stained past (she’s our required divorcee in the bunch) to the mansion.

Well it seems we’re set. we’ve got our sob story (Jamie’s parents died and she had to raise her brothers & sisters), the mom and the divorcee. Let’s get this party started.

Ahhh – but before we can get going CH and Ben have to step aside for their fire-side chat. (Wait doesn’t this show film in LA? In the summer? Details, details.) This is always my least favorite part of any episode. These heart to hearts are forced and awkward similar to BEn’s proposal last season. thankfully, we learn that he agrees. I can’t imagine watching it on national television after actually living through it. Hopefully he had tapped into some scooby snacks for that because it was MIS. ER. A. BLE. On another note, why are they talking like this thing is for real. I know they are both aware that in the history of this show not one single couple from The Bachelor has gotten married. Oh well. That’s neither here not there and I’m not going to let it spoil the fabulousness that’s to come.

Also, it appears humingbirds will be a reoccuring theme this season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

New TV Show Concepts Brainstormed During the Commercial Break: The Bachelor: Manther Edition. Forget all these young hunnies. Let’s get a manther in the mansion to tame a bunch of cougars. Now that would make some quality tv.

No But Really, It’s Game Time.

Alright enough with the blabber let’s meet these biddies.This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Like Ben I am a unique mixture of anxiety, nervousness and excitement.

Image: ABC

Rachel, 27 – Rachel is really pretty, works in fashion but has two questionable piercings. I’m going to let it slide cause she seems to be one of the good guys and appears to have packed a suitcase full of television appropriate clothing.
Erica, 23 – Erica gets the award for corniest, cheesiest and all around most nerdy opening line. We get it, you’re in law school but let’s cool it on the punny jokes.
Amber, 28 – Oh yikes, there are two Ambers this season. BUT… the Baconater seems pretty legit (other than the whole being canadian thing).
Elyse, 24 – Pretty but unmemorable. I am going to need her to step up her game at the cocktail party.
Jenna- It appears that Jenna will be the mandatory train wreck this season. I covered my head in shame watching her misquote him, awkwardly ask questions and then stand there starring awkwardly at his junior high hair cut. Get me out of here!
You're right I do kinda look the same color as an oompa loompa. Image: ABC
Courtney, 28 – Didn’t you know, she’s a model. No but really, she models. She also likes Ben’s hair. Woof. Next.
Emily – I appreciate that she was in med school until she went in for a smooch on the meet and greet. C’mon now.
Samantha, 26 – Ms. Pacific Palisades wore her sash but thankfully, left the crown at home with her dignity. She has no idea how she won the pageant. Um, you entered and then a panel of D-list celebrities, local TV anchors and former pageant queens thought you sashayed the best. End of story.
Casey – Casey is tall. No, like really tall. But I like that about her. That and her see-through bottom dress. Sounds weird but looked pretty cute on TV. (I understand that some of you may question that and I’m okay with it.)
Amber – Here’s our little beef ball eater (yup, I just typed that). She abandoned the camo for a dress that accented her odd bangs. She also is guilt of the corny opening line/encounter.
Holly – Okay, I’m going to have to step in here and let the rest of America know that Kentucky is not filled exclusively to the brim with ditzy blond girls in giant hats. Also, I have no clue where Sawyersville is and I’ve lived in KY the last 6 years. Yes, we have the Derby and the other 364 days of the year are not spent wearing giant hats. Duh, they’re spent drinking bourbon and running around barefoot (I kid, I kid).
Jamie – I like Jamie despite her utterly woofy dress selection. C’mon Jamie, prom was like 8 years ago. You can retire that bad boy.
Shira – Shira claims to know EVERYTHING about wine. Except she actually knows NOTHING. She also needs to eat a cheeseburger.
Blakeley – Blakeley is wearing feather earrings and is a VIP Cocktail Waitress which I assume means she’s slept with Tiger Woods.
Grandma Sheryl & Britteny - So here’s the G-Ma moment ABC has been promoting the ish out of. Thankfully Britteney is pretty but this whole grandma intro seems awkward and forced, which would probably be the best way to describe this show. What’s worse is that Grandma is coming to the cocktail party. Seriously? Well at least Ben “loves Grandmas.”

We get a momentary reprieve from the intros for some truth from the Baconator who calls out Samy Sash, Holly Hat and Grandma’s Bestie Britteney. I like her. I hope she doesn’t make me regret that.

Nicki – Don’t call anyone older than 12 precious. Especially not boys.
Dianna – Another prom dress. This one is a wind gust away from a nip-slip.
Jennifer – She’s our token red head. We also learn she’s an accountant who hasn’t been arrested. Thanks for that.
Lyndsie – The brit is back and this time she’s spewing poetry. Made me a little uncomfortable when she did a herckie upon completing her poem as Ben looked on with his trademark vacant stare.
Anna – She’s so mysterious that she just walks on by. Me thinks she was doing us all a favor.
Monica misses her dog. Woof.
Shawn – Wow wow wow. Shawn must not have any girlfriends back home to critique her dress selections for the show because that dress was oh so unflattering. She seems nice but that dress made her look like Fiona from Shrek. Someone needs to let these girls know that rouched satin was not made for the bright lights of Hollywood (I’m looking at you Chantal).
Jacklyn – Meh.
Kacie – Our Music City divorcee is looking good in a sparkle mini. Let’s just hope she can keep her enthusiastic desperation under control.

And just when I think it’s time for the drunken sorority all-nighter to begin…

Lindzi rides in on a horse. I’ll look past it cause her dress is pretty. Although I am still recovering from Ben saying the word “dismount.”

Ladies Night

This party got out of hand quickly so I am going to break down the high (mostly low) lights (and I’m not talking about Shawn’s hair).

Gimmicks. This season the girls were all about the gimmicks. Sashes, hats, horses, grandmas (that’s an unlikely sequence). Everyone brought their show and tell item to the party. Hell, one girl even snuck in a blindfold and candy to impress Ben. What happened to good old fake boobs, low cut dresses and stripper shoes?
And the girls that didn’t rely on gimmicks were pissed (read: super jealous and totally unprepared). Oh and did anyone else think Grandma hung around WAY too long. I mean really, a sit down? So weird. And why wasn’t Britteney (I hope she gets eliminated so I won’t have to keep typing that) talking more? And last, did anyone else think Grandma looked like a really old Jamie Lee Curtis? So many questions, so few answers.

This is no place for Grandmas. Image: ABC
Gushing on Ben. Are these girls seeing something I’m missing? When I see Ben I see unwashed, 1995 hair (parted down the middle) and a nice suit. These girls are seeing their prince charming, knight in shining armor and cream dream (that’s an long story … see the video here.) So many girls were at a loss for words that I am at a loss for words. The following are actual words used to describe Ben: sexy, very handsome, real, genuine, honest sincere, sweaty, distracted, confused. Okay I added those last three.
Mental Instability.This is always a theme on The Bachelor but last night we may have reached an all time high on the first night. We’ll break down the whole Jenna thing in a minute but there are some other loose hinges too. For example Nicki. So much akward babbling. And please don’t let her drop the divorce bomb this early. Also, I love Rachel but quitting your job gets seems a little reckless for me. And it seems like you had a good one too. You know, there can only be so many administrative assistants and dental hygienists on this show. And last but not least, did you all see Grams crying in the limo? Why was she crying? Do they pump some sort of weird gas in those things to induce crying?
"No I love you more." Image: ABC
Jenna & Monica - So this whole thing got crazy quick. Jenna & Monica are sitting down having one of those awkward “no I like him more” convos when Jenna ask if Monica has feelings for Ben already. Well of course she doesn’t have feelings for him yet. She met him 45 minutes ago and she’s not bat shit crazy. The obvious answer (which is clearly not the go-to in the mansion) infuriates Jenna who demands Monica pack her things and hit the road.
Monica doesn’t appreciate Jenna’s mental instability (and really who does?) so she tells her she’s a loon. Let the games begin.
This starts an all out feud which leads to the mental unraveling of Jenna before our eyes. It also leads to an odd girl on girl encounter/love fest with the VIP Cocktail Waitress (wait she’s not there to serve drinks and pleasure the guests?).
Jenna, who is giving us bloggers a bad name, fails to take her own touted love advice to “chill the f**k out” and my standard advice for all contestants (and girls the world over) “keep your crazy under control.” When Ben stops in to find out why she is crying and asks how their doing. We get the best line of the night. Ben says he’s having a great time and Jenna responds “Cause you know no one can dismiss you?” then a very insincere “ha ha. just kidding.” Yup. She said that. Let’s just say that it gets weird. So weird that she winds up in the bathroom giving herself the saddest pep-talk/heart-to-heart of all time. It went something like this.”I was excited before.. and now… I guess I’m scared…. I don’t want to be like this {sobs}” Wow Jessie Spano. Slow down. “…everyone here sucks…”

Ahh, this girl has seriously lost it. Holly from KY steps up and says she feels bad for them when what she really means is “bless their hearts.” Which everyone in the south knows means that those girls are lost loons that need to be institutionalized for their severe insecurity stemming from lifelong daddy issues.”

In the end, ole girl barely makes it to the rose ceremony where she fights her inner demons and forces herself to follow her instincts and take the plunge (with a knife into Monica’s heart – thankfully the producers put a stop to that).

I know, I can't believe I wrote that either! Image: ABC
Courtney’s a model. Wait did she tell you that she models? She’s modeled roses and engagement rings. She’s also modeled Bachelors. No but she’s a model for real. Like a model who travels the world. A model who is finally ready for love. She models.
The New Kasey. It appears we’ve got this seasons Kasey Kahl. Nope, not a singer but a rapping MD. Yes, Emily seemed like she was on the right track when she called everyone crazy but then she did an exremely long rap performance for Ben. The only thing worse than an awkward serenade has to be an awkward rap session serenade. The SE was overwhelming my entire being and Drew was forced to bury his head in his hooded sweatshirt to avoid catching the SE. Yikes.

Since Ben is unable to diffuse or control the craziness it continues throughout the night. The only moment of respite is when he delivers the first impression rose to Lindzi, who seems alright despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.

Favorites: Rachel, the Baconator, Monica (I get that she’s got a lessy side and has a weird laugh but I think she’ll be funny) and Jamie.

Rose Time:

Time to get rid of some crazies (or some seemingly normal girls who couldn’t make a strong impression).17 roses on the table. Let’s break some hearts.

First Impression Rose – Lindzi.
Jamie – The sweet RN in the bad dress.
Rachel – Woo Hoo!
Blakeley – VIP Cocktail Waitress/Prossy/Feather-Lover/Lesbian?
Emily – Rapping MD.
Kasey B.
Casey S.
Britteney – Grandma helped her snag this one but can she do it on her own?
Erica – Rebecca Black’s sister gets one more week. Partying Partying YEAH!
Shawn – The two-toned momma in the bad green dress.
Nicki – Meh. At least Ben thinks she’s a “good hugger.”
Elyse
Jennifer
Samantha Sash
Courtney – did you all know she’s a model?
Jacklyn – Who? (I predict she is this season’s Brittany – you know the one with the heart shaped earrings.)
Monica – Well of course.

And last but certainly not least.

Jenna – She snags the “come to Jesus” rose or the “shape up or ship out” rose. The one that puts you on warning. Let the craziness continue (and don’t think we don’t have ABC and the producers to thank for those last two roses.)

So the British poet and the Baconator must head home along with Amber the hunter and some other chicks.

And just like that, it’s over. Wait there’s more!

Hug it out bitches. Image: ABC

Stay tuned because this season will be chock full of…

Hot tubs, beaches, bonfires, crying, ancient ruins, ex-girlfriends, cat fights, crying, hometowns, mountains, crying, skinny dipping, runny eyeliner, proposals, monologues, crying, and bikinis.

YAY – throw in some rappelling and boating and we’ll have one hell of a season!

The journey has just begun my friends. I think, despite my earlier doubts, that we’re gonna have a fun, SE-filled season.

What was your favorite or least-favorite moment? Any early favorites? Do you miss Ames (I do of course … more on Ames later…)

Until next time… stay tuned!

Yeah this happened. Image: ABC

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Filed under The Bachelor

Tagged as ABC, Bachelor, ben, Ben Flajnik, Chris Harrison, rose ceremony, The Bachelor

August 17, 2011 · 10:18 am

Splitsville for Ames Brown & Jackie Gordon According to EW.com

Happy Wednesday! We’ve made it half-way through the week and to reward you for your diligence, here is an update on those two star-crossed lovers, Ames & Jackie.

Despite all our hopes and dreams for a Ames & Jackie wedding special, it appears that won’t be happening anytime soon. According to EW.com these two are kaput and according to Jackie, our man Ames pulled a fast one on her and broke her little heart.

This leaves open the possibility that Ames will be the next Bachelor. One can only dream.

Tonight is the challenge. Get excited for part two.

Until then… stay tuned.

Here’s the full-story from Entertainment Weekly:

‘Bachelor Pad’ couple Jackie and Ames talk break-up: ‘I feel like the rug was kinda pulled out from underneath me,’ she says

by Mandi Bierly

Categories: Bachelor Pad, Reality TV, Television

The happy ending for Bachelor Pad contestants Jackie Gordon and Ames Brown was short-lived. In separate phone interviews with EW today, they confirmed their relationship has already ended. On the episode that aired last night, Ames romantically chased after Jackie’s limo after she was evicted, taking himself out of the competition, worth $250,000, to be with her.

Following the show, the two spent a week in Napa together for a “remedial wine country tour,” Ames says, and Jackie, who’d watched him on The Bachelorette and frequently posted her appreciation for him on Twitter and Facebook, says she fell for him even more. “I woke up every day happy,” she says.

They returned to New York City, where they dated for a week or two more in secret because he was still on The Bachelorette and they couldn’t be seen together. “As for what happened later, it ended a little suddenly,” she says. “I was pretty taken aback, kinda knocked down a little bit. I thought that he was the one. I certainly fell in love with him. I feel like the rug was kinda pulled out from underneath me. I feel like we went from perfection and the potential to be the perfect couple to kind of having my heart broken.”

So what went wrong? “She is a really, really great girl, beautiful and charming, and we just weren’t the perfect match in the end,” is all Ames will say about his change of heart. He says he was instantly drawn to Jackie at the Bachelor Pad opening party. ”Almost the instant I met her,” he says, “I knew what my goal on Bachelor Pad was, which was to spend time with her … Especially in the context of The Bachelor Pad, I think we had a lot in common. Bachelor Pad is a pretty crazy place … She made Bachelor Pad a pretty wonderful experience, whereas it would otherwise be pretty harrowing for me… I didn’t even notice I was on Bachelor Pad. Every waking moment, Jackie and I spent together, and then I would go to bed at about 9:30 p.m. while everybody else stayed up till whenever because I decided right away there’s nothing more valuable that I could do than spend time with Jackie, and I had no desire to go sacrificing my integrity and strategizing endlessly. It’s much more fun to get to know a beautiful, smart woman and think about having a future together.”

He always assumed he’d leave with her no matter what. “We hit it off, and seldom are you so explicitly faced with a choice between the possibility of love and the possibility of money,” he says of watching her limo drive away. “There was no doubt in my mind that I had to choose the former.”

Jackie, who still considers that gesture “one of the best surprises of my life,” says she asks herself every day what changed. “Perhaps coming back to your real life and being apart from cameras and the extreme romance, maybe something on the outside changed his mind. Or maybe he just realized ‘Whoa, I need to put the brakes on this,’ or maybe he just didn’t feel like he was ready for a relationship,” she guesses. “He had been away [from New York] for so long and maybe just wanted to take a step back. He’s been traveling a lot, and things have been very busy on his side, so I’d also probably attribute it to that. To me, it was like walking away from something that had very beautiful potential.”

Rumors have begun that Ames, who’s back working in finance, could be named the next Bachelor. “I can honestly say nobody has even mentioned the possibility of becoming the Bachelor to me. I imagine by now, somebody would have mentioned something. So I think for better or for worse, that’s something I don’t have to think about,” he laughs.

Seeing him on The Bachelor‘s less dignified spinoff Bachelor Pad was surprising, we tell him. ”I’m at the point in life where I totally do want to get married. And I’m one of those people who says you can’t really go and say ‘no’ to anything if that’s what you want. Somebody said, ‘Come on Bachelor Pad,’ and I just said ‘yes’ because I think you just have to say ‘yes.’” So if producers said, “Come on The Bachelor?” “Then I would probably say, ‘Yes.’”

Would Jackie endorse Ames as the next Bachelor? “That would be a hard thing to watch from afar,” she admits. “I think he would make a fine Bachelor. I think he has a lot of qualities that women are looking for, but at the same time, I would question if he’s ready for that at this time. He fell in love with Ashley. He fell in love with me. If I were in that situation, I would maybe want some time.”

While we wait to see if ABC pops that question to Ames, we had one more for him. What’s up with those red pants? ”I just have bad fashion taste,” he laughs, adding that they’re Tom Ford. “Clearly I’m not looking for a future in entertainment if I’m wearing those pants.”

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Filed under Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor

Tagged as ABC, ames brown, Bachelor Pad, Bachelor Pad 2, jackie gordon, rose ceremony

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‘Bachelor Pad’ couple Jackie and Ames talk break-up: ‘I feel like the rug was kinda pulled out from underneath me,’ she says

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