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“There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Or just the 2nd Episode of The Bachelor Season 18

Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?

Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?

We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.

You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).

JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?

They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?

While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.

The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.

“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.

Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.

And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.

Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).

The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.

For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.

While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.

They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).

It’s electric with Kat

Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.

All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.

The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.

Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.

I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).

So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.

p.s. – Kat gets the rose.

Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.

In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.

I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television?  Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?

Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.

Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort.  Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.

The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.

It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.

What the what are they supposed to be? Is Chelsie a space alien on her way to work?

I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.

Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.

What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.

Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.

In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.

oh you’re getting naked too? then count me in!

Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.

Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.

Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.

Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.

The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.

She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.

Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!

I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.

While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.

And so begins, the Victoria show.

“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.

Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty.  Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).

is that the hymen manuever?

Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).

Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.

Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).

I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).

Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?

So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.

Rose Ceremony

This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.

What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO!  The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.

Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.

In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.

Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.

Rose ceremony:
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:

* Cassandra

* Nikki the Nurse

* Andi (YAY!)

* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?

* Sharleen

* Renee (YES!)

* Danielle

* Lucy (Why!?!)

* Allison

* Chelsea

* Lauren

Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.

* Kristi

So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).

Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.

I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.

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Hola Mi Amour * The Hunt for the Juan * The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 1

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? Probably not, you probably just forgot about me and moved on to a bitchier, better Bachelor blogger. Don’t worry I’m not going to cry like a contestant with daddy issues. I know I’ve been away but I’m back and ready to share my love of Juan Pablo with the world.

Seriously guys, it’s Juan Pablo time. First off, I gotta give a big, giant, sealed with a wet kiss thank you to ABC for giving us all this belated Christmas gift. Nice, nice work. Your best trabajo in years (my apologies in advance, there’s going to be a lot of Spanglish going on this season).

So let’s all forget about Ben Flajnik and Desiree, put them in the past and get excited about a long winter’s nap heating up with Juan P.

“God damn you are good looking in person,” said Juan Pablo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t share my excitement with my DVR and due to an unfortunate (more like blessing in disguise) glitch, I missed almost the entire portion of the show dedicated to sob stories, awkward desperation cries and long walks on the beach (boardwalk, farm, small town Main Street). I was spared a lot of secondary embarrassment which could be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, the only bad part is that I’m coming into these limo reveals without any back story. The good part, I don’t have to learn a lot about a bunch of girls that aren’t going to last past the first 45 minutes.

I’m going to chalk this one up as a win since I get to mentally fast-forward straight to home-sweet-home (aka the bachelor mansion) and a quick bro catch up with my long lost boy toy Chris Harrison. Missed you boo bear.

You know who I missed more… oh you know. It’s Juan Pablo. After blowing a few kisses at my paused TV screen (Drew was in the basement watching the football game), I’m ready to kick things off. Let’s do this mi amour.

Side note: totally loving on JP’s new English skills. How cute is it that he practiced? How cute is he for doing literally ANYTHING? Sorry, I digress. Back to the limos.

With squeels of delight and “he’s so cute” in the background (from the limos, not from ME. C’mon you guys), we’re ready to unleash the ladies of Limo Numero Uno (sorry i can’t help it).

* Amy. I’m going to call you Jessica Rabbit. Why is your dress so sparkly? Please tell me this is not going to be a pageant dress parade. Pretty, pretty please.

* Cassandra. How nervous is this girl? At least she’s letting her cleavage make the first impression because lord knows her awkward lack of talking isn’t winning JP over.

* Christy. Too tan. Why the white dress? Ditch that headpiece. This isn’t Coachella.

I am getting super judgy but JP is digging it. Take note ladies:  A little clevage and a lot of barrel curls will go a long way with a man.

* Christine. This little latina in the green dress is from Miami (you can totally tell from her accent) and I’m thinking JP may dig this gal. Bonus points for bringing a little present for Camila.

* Nikki the Nurse. Just an FYI, this will be how I refer to her from here on out (which could be a long time judging by the previews). Not sure how I feel about the stethoscope prop. I give her credit for giving JP an excuse to get super close to her ta-tas.

Limo Numero Dos

* Kat. This little kitty is a dancer who is pulling her best J.Law impression in that red dress.

* Chantel. All I know about Chantel is that she is very sassy about name pronunciation. She’s bossy (say it in the Kelis voice and it will be better).

* Victoria. This little lady is from Brazil and drops a little portugese language bomb on JP which he totally digs. All I know is ABC better be ready with the subtitles with these two.

Side note: Can we please outlaw the awkward hugs that accompany this portion of the show. They are all forced, they all make me uncomfortable and the girls always do something weird with their face/body to avoid leaving a giant make-up schmear on the guy’s shoulder.

* Lucy. Okay first off, “free spirit” is not a job. If it was, we’d all be free spirits and living like we’re part of the 1%. We all saw the special yesterday, old girl works in a boutique so cut the crap and just put “Sales Associate” or the like. Also, take off that stupid flower crown, put on some shoes you hobo and stop acting like a five year old. Lucy, you’re already wearing me out and we’ve just met. This doesn’t bode well for your SE future.

* Danielle. What a beautiful name. That is all.

* Woah what’s happening? Is Sarah Baralleies performing on the first episode? Nope, it’s just Lauren or whatever her name is, flexing her talent muscle on the piano. I’ll give her credit for coming strong with a real talent instead of a horse/skateboard (I’m looking at you Lindzi and Jef – gah their stupid name spelling should have been the first warning).

Lauren, in all her talent glory, forgets to tell JP her name. So he chases her inside which causes ole Jessica Rabbit to do her best Kevin McAllister impression. Hey ladies, Chill the F**K Out.

You can play my keys. Wait did I say that out loud?

Limo Numero Tres

* Chelsea. Love that dress and this girl seems cool until… wait… no, take off those science nerd frames. No no no, do not say “let’s have chemistry.” Thank the lord above that she didn’t kiss him. For a half second,  I thought she might and I got super uncomfortable. I’m not totally out on this girl but she’s treading on thin ice.

* Valerie. Oh cut it out with the cowboy boots. You’re not THAT country.  -

* Elise. This one kind of weirds me out. Why is she walking (no sauntering) so slow? What’s with the pageant talk? Why is she making me so uncomfortable unintentionally?

* Ashley. Love the dress. She seems a little old for JP though.

* Clare. WTF. Take off that fake baby bump. That shit is just weird. Seriously, it’s really really weird. I miss a lot of their interaction because my mouth is hanging open in disbelief that this is really happening in front of me. Why are people so strange/desperate for attention?

*Alli. Alli knows whats up. She’s breaking out those soccer skills to impress Juan. And it certainly fills the time better than a hug and oddly staring at each other.

* Amy.  “I’m here for you, because it’s you.” Well hey there big crazy. We’ve been waiting for you! Drinks are inside. Grab a few and we’ll talk later.

* Renee. Hot mama. Seriously though, she’s really pretty (so you agree, you think she’s really pretty) and seems semi-normal. And she’s got a little boy. Love it.

* Lauren. Woof. First off, those shoes. And second, don’t do that smushed up thing with your nose. It does nothing (and I mean nothing) for you.

* Maggie.  Our resident southern belle. “Lures” him in with a little fishing gift and that accent.

REALLY?

* Really, a dog? Really? And then your job is “dog lover?” That’s NOT A JOB. Sorry, not to be insensitive but that’s NOT A JOB. It’s just not. And why does the dog go with her to the party? Also, has the dog been stealing all her food? Kelly - we’re getting off to a VERY bad start.

Limo Numero Quattro

* Lacy. More pageant dresses. This time with a side of red hots courtesy of a prescription from Dr. Cupid. No. Just No.

* Alexis. I can’t even remember what this girl looks like now. My b.

* Kylie. If the double wave didn’t alert you to the fact that she’s a total douche, the pepto pink dress should have tipped you off.

* Sharleen. Why so serious Sharleen? No but really? Why is she so stiff. Loosen up little lady (no really, you need to have loose morals to be on this show).

* Andi.  Oh this girl is it. ABC even cued up that lovey music. I’m thinking I’m going to be adding this lady to my top five picks in my Bachelor pool (yup, I’m in one of those and it’s awesome). Juan Pablo is really picking up what this little hottie is putting down.

So now that we’ve met all 27 (dios mio) girls, it’s time to liquor them up and let the crazy loose. You guys excited?

So when do you all take off all your clothes?

Juan Pablo walks in and the girls all wipe the drool off their chins in unison. This comes immediately before they all squeal “he’s sooooo cUUUUTe” together. If you were drinking at home, this would be your cue to tip the glass. That and any time they mention the accent or Camila.

Despite the awkward entry, Sharleen makes up for it with the clutch cocktail. Juan Pablo let’s out an “Aye Yai Yai” which the girls all think means “Cheers!” and we’re off.

Just gotta break in and raise my glass to ABC, once again, on the JP choice. Seriously great work you guys.

Before you ask, yes, we did roofie this drink.

Juan Pablo knows it’s time to mix things up so he does the only thing he’s comfortable doing in a room full of chicas, he breaks out the boom box and gets a dance party underway. In a flash, it looks like a scene straight out of The Wolf of Wall Street before the Quaaludes kick in.

Here’s the highlights of the one-on-ones:

* Nikki the Nurse. JP remembers her because she’s the nurse and she made his heart go “boom boom.” Me, Juan Pablo. You, Nurse.

Hey okay Tarzan, we get it. You don’t speak great English but we’re going to have to do better than that if we’re going to make it through 10+ weeks of this.

* Renee the Momma. All these two need is a cup of coffee and we’ve got a Match.com commercial. Just two single parents sharing stories and talking extra curriculars. Let;s hoping these two get to doa little extra curriculars of their own coming up this season on The Bachelor (sorry, sometimes I can’t help but go into Chris Harrison mode).

Consider this your warning Lucy. Keep this up and things are going to get bad.

* Lucy, I’m going to need you to get the hell out of here right quick. Personally I have a pet peeve about not wearing shoes. There is NO EXCUSE for not wearing shoes. Honey, there’s these things, they sell them at stores, they’re called FLAT SANDALS. I want to buy a pair and throw them directly at the flower crown on her head (hoping that the foot bed hits her squarely in the nose while knocking the crown off). “I’m just a drifter,” she says. Um, really? Because yesterday I saw you working at a high-end boutique. Pretty sure real “drifers” don’t sell $500+ dresses to rich women in Hollywood but hey, I could be wrong.

Oh this girl. I feel that she may bring out some of my best work while simultaneously driving me crazy.

* What, where did this massage table come from. Seriously producers? You are just unleashing the crazy and totally enabling these girls. I’m not mad, truly I’m impressed. One glass of champs and Amy’s got glazed over crazy eyes in full effect as she rubs down Juan Pablo. (Side note: Why are her boobs so smushed in that dress? Looks horrible along with those bangs).

No, just no.

I’m totally distracted by her weird smushed dress cleavage when I hear her say, “I just wanted to take off his clothes and poor my oils all over him.” These people live among us. Just remember that.

“The massage was pretty awkward,” says Juan Pablo, perfectly echoing what we all felt inside.

We’re all just recovering from the case of the weirds we got from Amy when CH strolls in like a boss with a single rose. This opens the flood gates on a level of crazy champagne could never conjure. All of a sudden girls are fretting over “their time with Juan Pablo” and starting to lose their grip on keeping crazy under control.

It becomes especially tough for old Lauren to control and within seconds she is crying. Yes, you read that correctly, this girl is crying. So while Science Nerd Chelsea watches JP dominate the photo booth, Lauren is losing all control of her emotions and rational thought.

It makes for wonderful television.

Oh and in between all of this, Andi confirms that she’s a total babe with a cool girl personality, a badass job and pretty hair. Just give her the first impression rose already Juany P. (On a personal note, Andi receives my at-home first impression rose. This means little to nothing and plays no part in the progression of the show. I just thought I would share since we’re friends and all.)

So Blakely, I mean Lauren is still freaking out (in the mean time, JP has talked to at least three other girls) and ABC is just letting it fly. Drew walks up from the basement and wonders why I am sitting wide-eyed, staring blankly at the screen. It takes him a full 30 seconds to knock me out of the SE shame spiral I am stuck in.  My skin is crawling but I’m happy that we’re bringing crazy back. It’s a double edge sword.

I mean the girl says “This is breaking me.” Um, I think there had to be some serious underlying issues if 2 hours without attention from a GUY YOU DON’T KNOW is breaking you. No but really, where do they find these people?

When Lauren finally gets her five minutes with Juan Pablo, she lets her crazy go totally uncontrolled and word vomits all over him. It’s just chunks of “bad breakup,” “I got a call at work that it was over” and “we were planning to get married” all over Juan Pablo. He promptly stands up disgusted, wipes the word vomit off of him and makes a mental note to forget her forever right then and there. Good move bro.

No but really, I threw my hands over my face uncontrollably at one point, unable to physically deal with how embarrassing she was being. I think we should all buy that old BF a beer, clearly he was dealing with a whole lot of crazy.

Last but not least is ole Sharleen. Okay but really, why is she so serious? I know she said she’s an opera singer but are we sure she’s not in the military. She says “sir” WAY too much to not have some sort of military background. She’s stiff as a board and it’s giving me a case of the sads hearing her talk. But Juan P is loving it and all of a sudden goes from cool guy to needy guy. Wait, who is this and where did my Juan Pablo go?

He’s loving her “elegant” vibe so much that he hops up to snag her the first impressions rose and every one is all, “what the what?” Even Sharleen is totally confused and for some reason acts like she’s just not that into Juan Pablo. Um, what is wrong with you. You accept that rose gladly and stop calling him “sir” you big weirdo. He’s not your daddy or your Sargent or your conductor.

She finally accepts with a “thank you sir” in her best Old Greg impression (have you all seen that BBC video? It’s weird as hell but super funny).

All of the other girls (me included) are confused and kinda hate her but no time for all that, it’s rose ceremony time!

Love that CH has to explain how to accept the rose. Honestly gals if you don’t know how this part works, you have way bigger problems than being a reality tv show to find a husband.

It’s been great meeting you but some of you – como se dice loca? – girls are going to need to leave now.

Rose Time:
Sharleen is safe.

Wait that one girl STILL has her dog with her?

* Clare – Me? Yes you, you crazy faux preggo.

* Nikki the Nurse – love her.

Panic already setting in for Lucy.

* Renee – hot mama.

* Andi – the one to beat.

* Alli

* Chantel

* Lauren S. – Piano {Wo}man

* Kelly and her dog – REALLY? Dog lover is not a job. I just need to reiterate that.

* Cassandra – You can stop freaking out now.

* Danielle – Get it namesake.

* Chelsea – Love that little nerd.

* Kat – Oh no, did you see that? The mouth-y red-head just jumped out. “Oh I thought you said Kelsey… can you just take both of us.” Um no, he can’t. Now get back in line and prepare to go home. WOOF. That was really bad. I wasn’t ready for that level of secondary embarrassment so early.

* Victoria

* Christy

* Lucy – Stop f-ing acting like a five-year old. I’m tried of you already.

* Elise – You didn’t win a pageant, stop acting like you’re constantly in one.

Final Rose. Please no, don’t let it be the massage girl. Anyone but the massage girl.

* Amy L. aka Jessica Rabbit

So it’s the end of the road for the crazy massage therapist, over eager Kelsey and that cutie Christine. Oh and some other girls I don’t remember.

It may have only seemed like two hours to you but for these girls that cocktail party was an entire journey with hopes, dreams, aspirations and a lifetime of happiness all wrapped up in it. so when the “journey” is over, the waterworks begin. Yes, you read that right. Handsy Amy totally breaks down and lets this gem out, “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man.” Yes, her heart capacity is ready now. Just let that soak in.

But don’t let it linger too long because we’ve got some previews to enjoy. Epic, heart-wrenching, dramatic previews. Get ready for a season full of bungee jumping, fireworks, canoodling, soccer, latin dancing, long hair, sad faces and a little bit (haha, who are we kidding – a whole lot) of crying.

Right now my favorites (and by favorites, I mean my top five picks to make it to the end): Andi, Clare, Nikki, Sharleen and the Chemistry teacher.

Oh and my prediction for most hated bia since Chantel (from Brad’s season): Lucy.

What did you all think? Favorites? Winners? Losers? What did you think of CH’s suit (woofy)? Let’s discuss.

Until next week… stay tuned!

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Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay's} every seen." Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I'm thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I'm just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as "a bunch of flowers made of petals." Yup, that's what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire "dinner" is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that - that comes later), she's saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it's on like donkey kong (except it's not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to "express her feelings" which means she's ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here's the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she's gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there's no stopping it (see ex. 1 - standing on a chair and yelling "I Love Sean." ex. 2 - does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it's annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn't going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it's straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee's all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It's time for another one of Sean's test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it's time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges - I guess this is Sean's way of figuring things out. I'm just saying that I found Brad Womack's way (i.e. - hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

http://www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin’” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange -  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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“I’ve just had the BEST time.” The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

And we’re back.  It’s getting down to crunch time for our girl Emily. No more willy nilly tongue kissing all across the globe, it’s time to find Ricky a Daddy. So let’s go…. to Curacao!

“To finish it in Curacao is… so perfect.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 354654997454 times but they could send these kiddos to war-torn Africa and they’d think it was AH.MAZ.ING or in their words, “the perfect place to [fall in love, end their journey, find true love].”

We begin, as we do every episode, with a montage. The highlights in this one: the battle between saying “love” and “perfect.” I think love won by one (say that 5 times fast). interspersed in the montage, we see Emily, accompanied by some seriously EPIC music, standing at the front of her own Titanic … this sinking ship of a romantic journey.

Once they’ve gotten the pre-requisite product plug-in (seriously though, that place looks REAL NICE – said in Ricky Bobby voice but lacking any sarcasm), it’s time to take a deeper look at her relationship with the guys. Okay, I’m not trying to be too picky (yes I am) but this show could easily be an hour and half without all these montages, heart to hearts and ponderous looks (Emily looks longingly at the sea, Emily strolls down the beach, Emily plays with her hair in the Curacao breeze).

Moral of the story:

  • Sean: Perfect and full of plaid. Everything she wants in a husband… tall, blond, huge boobs (no coincidence that they want the same things… they’re perfect!).
  • Jef: A stylish bad boy (I’m laughing aloud as I write that, c’mon Emily… he’s different but “a little bit of edge.” I think not). Plays hard to get. Mormon.
  • Arie: It’s hard for me to hear what she’s saying over my loud boo-ing but I think I make out (no pun intended!) that she loves that he does all his talking through the mouth-to-mouth technique.

We close this recap with a cryptic message in the sand from Emily.

Emily + ?

WHO IS QUESTION MARK?!?!?! Alas, we’ll never know since it is swept out to see just like one of these dudes will be in another HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Perfect Sean

Sean, ever a fan of the ABC supplied uniform of v-necks and Toms, has upped the ante. He’s clearly run out of all his moderately deep v’s and found the most plunging one of all. You know, one that really highlights his chest. And we’re in luck because he found a pair of Toms to match perfectly. Gah, isn’t he just perfect?

He does the awkward jog thing and as much as I hate it, I hate his outfit more. Well done buddy.

Just when I’d given up hope, I hear the familiar sound of helicopter blades in the tropical breeze … a helicopter! Well it’s about damn time.

So these two crazy kiddos hop in and feel each other up as they head off to their own private island. Hold up, didn’t Brad & Emily go on this exact same date at this exact same moment on his season. It seems Womack and Sean have more in common that a shared love of plaid.

Sean’s decided he’s not holding back and breaks out a hand-written note to little Ricky. In your head you’re thinking TRUMP CARD right? So was I. Emily eats every line about wanting to be her Daddy up and I can’t help but get sad realizing that he’ll most likely never meet that little spit fire.

Awkward pauses and a conversation about Sean treating his ex girlfriends like “buddies” fill the time before the “dinner” date (have you ONCE seen someone take a single bite of food on this show? Drinks. Downed by the dozen. Food. Left alone and abandoned. Here’s hoping production meals on that shiz after the love birds leave). They also pretend to go snorkeling which must just be code for tongue kiss in the ocean.

Wanna take off your top errr I mean go snorkling?

Side note: Did you all see how big Emily’s boobs looked in that swimming suit!? I felt like a cartoon A WOO GA noise should have gone off when she took off her cover up.

I didn’t think it was possible but at dinner Sean wears an even deeper V-neck tee. Where do you even get those things?

At dinner, things get kinda serious. Sean confesses his love, to which Emily gives the mandatory “thank you” (is there anything worse?). They also discuss where they’d live, if he Sean would actually propose and other things of minor note… but enough about your life together, where is the fantasy suite card?

Emily finally pulls that puppy out (no, not THOSE puppies… that’s for the fantasy suite you guys!) and I can’t help but wonder if CH really write those notes (I secretly hope he does, did you see how nice that handwriting was?). They wholeheartedly accept the “let’s get it on” key. (Ugh, I hate when Emily says Thank You to him for accepting… you didn’t just order a soda at McD’s…)

For the next couple minutes, we hear A LOT of talk about how much they want to just spend more hours together…. talking (b**ch please)… in the hot tub (well there you are old friend!). But all of that talking will have to be put on hold because little Momma isn’t comfortable with Ricky-Tick seeing her fantasy suite her way to a new man. So Sean and his blue balls don’t have to go home but can’t stay here.

Cue some serious open-mouth kissing and we’re done.

It’s Jef with just one F.

Oh Jef, was there ever a date more perfect for you than sailing? Me thinks no.

So it’s all aboard (sorry, wrong transportation terminology) for these two (and no, not aboard each other… you and your dirty mind). While doing some heavy petting, they hit the serious topic of parenting. Jef really wants to meet Ricky and find out what kind of Dad he’ll be and more importantly, judge Emily’s parenting skills. This evaluation will be key in him deciding if he really wants a future with Ms. E. I sort of tune out cause the cheesy way they talk to one another kind of annoys me. It’s like listening to two 13 year old on a date in front of you at the movies. Just hush up you two. I think I miss something about them playing house in new city because they have to start FRESH!

I definitely tune back in when I hear Jef chime in with this moment of greatness, “It’s been like this crazy painting…  And now I see the masterpiece that’s being painted.” Come on now seriously? You’re going to tell me this is a “bad boy.” Emily, you dated Jeremy Shockey (don’t know who that is? see here). Jef wears high socks like the ring bearer at the last wedding I attended. What about that says edgy?

Just two crazy kids in love.

Anyways, the rest of the date is spent paddle boarding (of course Jef is on the paddleboard date) and jumping off big rocks (p.s. – do you think production had underwater cameras to catch that jump in?). As the day comes to a close, Jef hits us with this truth: “The sun is setting here in Curacao but I feel like things are just beginning with me and Emily.”

Before the sun can set on their romance, Jef has some important dinner questions, namely: “Why haven’t you found the right guy already?” Dang. Coming strong with the questions Jef, I see you. Emily responds with the canned, I’ve dated a lot of great guys just none right for me and then turns it around on Jef. He says the same thing and I begin to lose focus.

But then, like a light at the end of the tunnel, there it is. The Fantasy Suite Card! To which Jef promptly replies “Thanks but no thanks” and bounces from dinner. Okay that didn’t happen. Really, Jef acts all Mormon- gentleman-like and says he doesn’t think it’s right for him to spend the night in a fantasy suite. I mean really people, he’s got morals.

But Emily wanted to be the one to kick him out, so she invites him over to a BOMB-ASS fantasy suite for some over the clothes groping and serious tongue kissing. I try not to focus on the blechy kissing and instead turn my attention to the scrumptous dessert on the bed. Chances that Emily mealed on that once Jef left? 100%

And just like that, Jef is gone.

And my anxiety kicks in because it’s…

Arie’s turn.

I can’t handle Arie. If you’ve read any of these posts this season (well other than like the first two), you know I can’t deal. I plead with Drew to just fast-forward through this entire section but for some reason, he doesn’t get creeped out by Arie’s Accutane lips, effeminate talking and incessant use of the word ‘like.’ So we soldier on…

And right from the start, it’s bad. Arie does the nerdiest half jog I’ve ever seen up to Emily and I half expect her to pick him up and twirl him (seriously, how awesome would that have been?). Instead the implanted magnets in their mouths automatically link up and we’re forced to watch Arie death grip the back of Emily’s head. WOOF CITY.

It’s time to go swimming with dolphins, so they stop their ongoing mouth-to-mouth for two minutes allowing them to board the catamaran, lay down and once again resume mealing on each other’s faces (not like zombies though… or maybe a little like zombies. just not the Miami ones).

This is just what we do.

Since we need some sort of voice over since they’re too busy sucking face, Emily tell us she thinks Arie will love swimming with dolphins since “he’s not scared of anything.”  Well yeah, he races cars at 200 miles an hour surrounded by about 15 other cars and oh yeah, there’s no roof – so dolphins, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem. She also uses this reasoning to discern that he will make a great Dad. Oh Emily. I’m not sure what race car driving and swimming with dolphins has to do with being a good model for Little Ricky but hey, she’s your kid.

Here’s how the rest of the date goes down:

Something about a journey from Dollywood to Curacao; open mouth kissing; face grabbing; heavy petting; talking about kissing; more kissing; swimming with dolphins; kissing; playing with dolphins while kissing; more kissing; end scene.

It’s dinner time and I honestly CANNOT get over how much Arie grosses me out. I just can’t deal. I can’t. Writing this right now is giving me the heeby jeebies. His voice is oddly high and I don’t know, I just can’t handle it.

I consider throwing a blanket over myself, plugging my ears and waiting for a signal to come out when it’s all over but before I can, I hear Emily say ” I have no doubt [Ricky] will want to be your best buddy.” This aggression will not stand. I know my girl Ricky Tick will not dig arie. She’s #teamsean all the way.

More kissing/talking/pretend eating/kissing occurs and it’s fantasy suite time but Mamma E doesn’t trust herself to even GO to the fantasy suite with Arie. She knows she’d have her panties dropped before they even hit the front step, so it’s night night for Arie (HALLELUJAH!) but not before one more attempt to suck the life force out of her body. BLECH.

Rose Time.

I’m going to skip over the H-to-H with CH for two reasons: 1. Because I think they’re always kind of boring and 2. Because I think CH is so much better than that. Why doesn’t he just GET REAL with Emily (or at least give her a heads up on that ponytail looking awful. Em girlfriend, you always looks amazing but tonight’s pony was RRRROUGH).

The moral of the story is that CH tells E that it’s time to get to choosing and E’s all like but I don’t want to go home! I’m having too much fun! Don’t make me stop kissing one of them! I love them all!

Wah Wah Wah.

To help her with this big decision, the dudes have made videos. They each basically proclaim their love in the way you’d expect each of them to. Moving on.

It’s time to do the damn thing but Emily “can’t even wrap my head around the fact that there are only two roses” and that I don’t get to kiss all of them anymore.

My prediction/wishful thinking is that Arie is going home. Drew thinks it’s gonna be Sean.

p.s. – who wants to do a bachelorette bracket next season?

Roses go to:

  • Jef

Side note: The other two dudes are like “Yikes a million we totes thought Jef was going home.” And then it happens….

  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which you know clearly means, Arie.

And just like that CH pops out from behind a bush and is all “Hit the Road Jack” to Sean.

Emily walks him out while Jef and Arie stand there and stare at each other, wondering whose shoes are nerdier.

I can’t look… just go.

This goodbye is awkward city. I wanted to call it a night early and just cut out cause it was making me ALL kinds of uncomfortable ESPECIALLY with the chirping noise in the background (tell me it didn’t sound like the heart monitors at the hospital). But then I thought about all the chicks Sean is going to get between now and his season on The Bachelor and I didn’t feel so bad.

For some reason Emily starts crying and Sean finally decides to leave. Props to Sean for keeping it together, not sounding like an idiot and not crying awkwardly into the camera.

Welp, it’s official friends. Emily officially has horrible taste in guys.

So what did you all think of last night’s LACK of fantasy suites? Are you happy with Emily’s decision or like me have you given up hope?

Men Tell All Next Week! Until then… stay tuned!

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“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part II

When I left you all we had just finished the group date. Well, I wish I was coming back with something more exciting to start with but alas, all I have is an Elyse one-on-one. Blech.

Oh but I will jump in and say that Bachelor Producer Robert Mills (@millsy11374) gave SE a twitter shout out today! This is the 2nd time (eek!!) he’s shared the SE but the first time I got some feedback. Needless to say, this little blogger was excited. AND… he said they’d be using competitive dates again. Double bonus.

Elyse is BEYOND excited (more excited than me getting re-tweeted) for this date which is going to make it all the worse when she goes on the date and Ben wonders who she is and why’s she’s been around this long. But really, she is SERIOUSLY excited. Like I think she may throw up she’s that excited. All. Bad. Signs.

Elyse – Let’s go somewhere private.

Elyse is literally crying she’s so excited (??). Someone needs to get this girl a glass of champagne. STAT.

She gets it together enough to throw together an outfit using her tangerine nails as a style guide. That and a leopard print bikini and she’s ready to go.

Uh oh. It’s the boat date. Boat dates are always a bad omen. Brittany got booted on the boat day during Brad’s season, Ben (some other initial) got left on a raft on Ashley’s season and well Kasey Kahl got left on that iceberg (okay so it wasn’t a boat but it was a large body of water and it was awesome that he got abandoned).

Courtney, while a total bitch, has been pretty spot on this episode with her commentary. “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one doesn’t really bother me… I hope I got her number, I may not be seeing her later. I could use a personal trainer. [insert weird lip/mouth motion]” If she wasn’t trying so hard to be the next Michelle Money I might appreciate these comments more.

Tuxes on a First Date?

Okay, so date time. Strike one comes early when Elyse tells Ben (while constantly messing with her MASSIVE mane of hair) that she’s accomplished everything she wanted to so far. Ben calls her on it and I immediately know this date is going to be one for the SE record books.

She blabbers on about quitting her job to be on the show, to which I’m sure Ben made an “oh shit” face. But then I think about it and if you’re a personal trainer, is it really a “job?” Don’t you just go back to training your clients. (Okay probably not, please don’t send me mean emails Personal Trainers of the world). It’s at this point that we notice the dingy being drug along behind the boat. This must be Elyse’s sayonara water taxi, right?

After hearing enough about Elyse’s “accomplishments” (that’s in quotes because is moving to Florida really an accomplishment?), Ben suggests they dive off their floating mansion.

The jump is not just a fun water activity for Elyse, no she is literally jumping off the deep end into love with Ben. Exact quote. ‘There’s nothing better than the feeling of being in love.” For the sake of SE, I’m going to assume this was NOT taken out of context and proclaim “YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!!” Seriously, I yelled that at the TV. Loud. Really really Loud.

The last supper.

The second half of the date takes place on the beach where the two are dressed in black-tie attire for dinner (why?!?). This is just going to make the inevitable all the worse. He didn’t even love her in her best dress.

If this dinner could be any worse, it would be that Brittany/Brad date. Elyse talks the entire time while Ben fights the feeling to push her chair over and walk away. No but really, he stares off into space dreaming of scooby snacks and skinny dipping while Elyse dreams out their future together.

This goes on until Ben literally cannot take it anymore, so he begins his date wrap up speech. The cruel twist is that he’s holding the rose. So Elyse is all excited, huge smile on her face, thinking that she’s got this in the bag. But then the moment changes and Drew cowers behind his laptop praying that this will all just end before it’s even begun.

We’re forced to suffer through a cringe-worthy, embarrassing goose bump inducing, secondary embarrassment overload. The tears come fast and furious and it’s all downhill. He breaks the news and then does the one thing that infuriates me more than anything on this show, he walks her “out” while holding her hand.

You just broke this poor, pathetic girl’s hopes and dreams – just let her leave on her own.

He leads her down the beach while she wonders aloud what she did wrong. Oh Elyse, sometimes two people just aren’t a match but if you want specifics that dress was horrible, a ponytail never hurt a girl and tone down the tanning.

And then there it is. The getaway boat. It’s not the yacht dingy but a little coast guard-type boat ready to get her out of the picture. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they cue the David Gray music. NO NO NOOOOOO!!!! Why must they torture this perfectly good song? I’ll never be able to truly enjoy it again.

The date finally ends with Ben poignantly dropping the rose in the sand.

END SCENE.

But wait, there’s no time for sulking – Crazy Courtney is here to make it all better. She’s positioned her stalker self outside his hotel room and waited with wine, nothing on, lotion, a knife and a slew of compliments… for herself of course.

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” “I hope I’m a vision for him.” “I’m little miss sunshine, I just sprinkle it around.”

Yes, those are all direct quotes. The last one being BY FAR the worst.

They head out to the beach where Courtney and Ben quickly disrobe and Baywatch it into the ocean. Some overly familiar heavy petting ensues while I fight the urge to heave my dinner. They have to skinny dip because (as Courtney reminded us like 19 times) “You’re only in Puerto Rice once.”

That Courtney. She’s something isn’t she?

Rose Ceremony Time.

The first question the group of girls discuss is their confidence level. Courtney evokes her most annoying feature, her mouth, to do some weird lip pop while emphatically saying “Yup!”

Jennifer is one of the first to score some alone time with Ben where we catch a glipse of her seriously unfortunate flip flops (c’mon Red!). Her time gets pretty awkward as she gushes about how much she likes Ben. When she said “I think we’re on a path to love” I got the SE chills.

Next up Blakely, who confesses to keeping a daily affirmation journal of her love for Ben (creepy kinda). This blog is pretty similar wouldn’t you say?

Blakely has finally opened herself up to love and is ready to move forward with Ben or any other man if this whole thing doesn’t work. You know, she’s just gotta keep her options open. Strippers need love too. This outpouring of affection is sealed with a wet, sloppy, aggressive (did you see the grip she had on his face?) open mouth kiss.

Back to the girls who are coincidentally talking about skinny dipping (c’mon one of those girls had to be planted). Courtney can barely keep her secret. She looks like a 6 year-old girl just ready to burst at the seams.

After some time with Rachel and then Lindzi, it’s Emily’s turn. I’m hoping Em can keep it under control since she seems nice and mildly normal. Nope – she tells Ben she’s not going to talk about Courtney and then proceeds to talk about her for their entire time together. Ben is NOT digging it (we know this because the producers play Track 8 – “Not digging it” from their greatest hits soundtrack) and I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one leaving us tonight. Oh Emily, I had such high hopes for you.

One last note, what is Kacy S. still doing there? All she does is sit next to Courtney and reassure her. She is the Karen Smith to her Regina George.

Rose Time:

Kacie B. and Nicki (the twins) have roses.

  • Lindzi – He loves her even if she does act 11.
  • Jamies – Woah Prom Dress.
  • Rachel – Yay!
  • Courtney – Stop biting that lip!
  • Kacy S.
  • Blakely

Last rose goes to… Jennifer or Emily….

  • Emily! Woah, she got the cool your crazy rose two weeks in a row. She must be a good kisser or something.

That means Jennifer’s “path to love” has hit a dead-end. And this dead-end is a doozy. This interview is full of hiccup cries (has there ever been anything worse on TV/film than a hiccup cry?). I hate hiccup cries. Couple those with a “I just wonder what I did wrong” and I’m ready to change the channel. Oh this one is BAD. I’m afraid she may choke on her tears. Hopefully there’s a medic somewhere near. Yikes.

Enough of that, let’s talk about next week’s trip. It’s off to Panama City which promises to be full of Emily/Courtney drama, crying, binge drinking, crying, someone leaving, kissing, hot tubs and bikinis. Woo Hoo.

This was by far the best episode of the season and it gave me the mid-season boost I needed to continue.
What were your favorite/least favorite moments? Who’s your favorite? How much do you hate Courtney?

Also, if you get a chance please head over here and vote for me for best style blogger for my other blog LouWhatWear.com. Just scroll down and vote for Danielle! Seriously, it would mean the WORLD to me!

Until next time… stay tuned!

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The Evil Plot Continues. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 4 Recap

Sorry this recap is so later. I watched last night’s episode with my family in Miami and spent the day traveling back home to Louisville. So I apologize for the delay, hopefully it’s worth the wait (probably not but oh well, it’s all I’ve got).

This week we’re in the perfect place to fall in love. Perfect place, perfect guy, everything is just perfect. Well everything except Courtney. But more on that later, let’s hear what Ben thinks about Park City, Utah.

“There is every color in the rainbow” here in Park City according to our resident poet Ben. Ahh Ben, your words paint a beautiful picture.

We get a small clip of home video footage so we know the girls made it. Get ready for a week full of nature…. and champagne.

The girls arrive in their always fabulous hotel home for the week and we’re subject to the standard minute of “Oohs,” “Wows!” and “There’s a hot tub!!”Between gushing, we find out that, the always on the verge of tears, Nicki is really nervous. Shocker.

But there’s no time to fret because Chris Harrison is in the house, looking oh so casual-chic in his half-zip pullover. You can tell he’s just getting this little piece of business out of the way before he heads out for a full day of skiing and apres-ski hot tubbing.

The run down for this episode is as follows: 3 dates. 1 group. 2 one-on-ones. One rose on each date. To which you’re probably saying “duh” but this time Chris isn’t just here to drop the date card and run. He gets real with the chicks and let’s them know that this shizz is important so no more talking about the weather (chances that’s just a request from producers?). It’s time to get real and talk love.

Yup, they're competing for this guy's love and affection.

First up. Rachel – Let Nature Takes It’s Course.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty happy that Rachel finally gets a one-on-one. I’ve liked her from the start so I was hoping this was her time to shine. Unfortunately, I was wrong. But before we get into that, we have to hear Kacie B. whining about missing out on the date card. Our favorite baton twirler has fallen HARD for Bachelor Ben and is having a hell of hard time sharing him with the others. It’s so rough that the thought of it is making her nauseous. Too bad that’s what this show is all about.

 

While the girls grill Rachel about the upcoming date, Kacie B. fights back the spits well that is until Ben walks in and saves her weak stomach. Crisis Averted.

Scratch that, back to Kacie B. who is now talking about how the last thing she wants to see is another girl riding in a helicopter with Ben. This interview is interrupted by the sounds of the girls yelling, “Look! It’s a helicopter!” and her worst fears are realized instantaneously. You’d almost think someone was filming them? Is this a set up?

Enough of Kacie B. and her maddening love for Ben. There’s a helicopter date going on. Side note: I’m happy they’ve brought back the mid-season helicopter date. That was seriously lacking last season.

So up in the heli, Ben and Rachel do exactly what CH told them not to do – they talk about the weather/scenery. Strike One.

Strike two comes moments later as these two take their pic-a-nic basket down to the water front. This date is not coming along as I expected. I was hoping for Rachel to be normal, cool, confident and generally awesome. Instead she comes off as guarded, awkward, mildly insecure but still really pretty.

They pile into a canoe where the awkward convo continues. Thankfully Ben uses his signature move, the filling awkward silences with an open mouth kiss, and while it’s still uncomfortable to watch, it’s WAY better than listening to them say “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” for the 33342305345th time.

Back at the resort…Monica baits Kacie B. into talking about how obsessed she is with Ben. Has she been planted by the producers? A few crazy in love comments later and we’re back to …

Rachel and Ben. Maybe it’s because they’re not total trainwrecks but this is a BORING date. Really boring. Rachel spends almost every moment telling us how nervous she is. We get it Rachel. But really, this is a television show you gotta do SOMETHING. Anything over than talking about the scenery and weather.

Since this date gets painfully drawn out, I’m going to spare all of us the misery. Here’s how it goes down. Dinner date. Awkward convo. Rachel finally opens up. Something about being bad at dating. Looking pretty. Drinking Champagne. Open Mouth Kissing. Rose Getting. Date Ending.

Group Date: Taking the Bait with Jamie, Kacy S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and DUH DUN DUN Courtney.

A note about Courtney before we head out on the group date.

Courtney is a psychopath…. and running the risk of eating her bottom lip. (Is that bugging the shit out of anyone else? Seriously, that lip thing is beginning to INFURIATE me. How can we make it stop?)

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, we can focus on the date.


The girls put on their best country looks and meet up with their “cowboy” which in Park City is synonymous with “Knight in Shining Armor with long flowing brown hair.”

Turns out they all get to go horse back riding which immediately sends Lindzi into a horsey frenzy. Ole girl loves her some horses.

While Lindzi prefers the company of horses, Nicki prefers anything and everything to do with Ben. She is some obsessed with him, which wouldn’t be so absurd except that that it seems like she hasn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone with him this season.

The girls dismount and it’s on to the fly fishing portion of the date. Here’s where things really get fishy.

Outfitted in their waders, Kacie B. continues along the road to crazy town while Courtney continues along the road to be hated by every TV viewer in America.

Courtney on Kacie B. (this starts the trend of the producers sharing Courtney’s insights on all the girls) “I think [she] is sweet and cute… and annoying.” Oh Courtney, we can always count on you to say something nice.

This leads nicely into the …

Live look at the girls left behind. Yes, it appears that everyone is just sitting around and talking shit about Courtney which, at first, seems a little annoying but then I realize that if I was there I would totally be doing the same thing (except I would never be there, such a conundrum).

Back on the date though, Courtney can do no wrong in our Bachelor’s eyes. He is a smitten kitten. The dorky smile on his face as he talks about her says it all.

Ben abandones the safety of the other girls and ventures into Courtney’s evil web of lies. There he is caught (no pun intended) and hooked (okay, that one was intended). Courtney holds him in her grasp with her hair touching, lip biting and stupidity.


The producers realize the girls haven’t had a drink in approximately 5 hours, so they hand them all a beer which gives Lindzi the liquid courage to sabotage Courtney’s one on one time. She’s about to hook Ben but then Courtney hooks a fish and Lindzi is sent back to the back, tail between her horsey legs.

Courtney’s evil plan conitnues to unfold perfectly while the girls complain aloud, pissed that the Wicked Witch has caught the proverbial fish that is Ben.

Enough of this fishing nonsense, let’s skip ahead to the bikinis and binge drinking portion of our date.

Side note: How have Jamie and Kacy S. made it this long?

And as if on cue, ready to provide an answer to everyone’s question – Ben pulls Kacy S. aside. Ben is clearly taken with her which is confusing since I thought he just met her.

While they chit chat, the girls consider toasting/making a pact (that’s how you make a pact on this show – with champagne, duh) to not interrupt each others alone time. Nicki immediately pulls back her glass, says “Nicki don’t play that” and storms off to interrupt the shit out of Kacy’s alone time. Get it girl.

During their solo time, Nicki drops a sob story about her boss passing away. They then bond because Ben too lost someone before leaving for filming. This is an emotional moment. How do I know that? Because the producers cued up Track 7: Super Sad Dead Friend/Relative Music from The Bachelor: Hits to Hook Up To. Their shared emotion obviously leads to an open mouth kiss which concludes their time together because obviously, what more could Ben want with her?

On to the next one, which as it happens is one of my favorites (more in a train wreck way than a seriously good way) – Samantha Sash. Sweet little Sam brought along the girls, who she thinks are her secret weapons. Instead they are her achilles heal, well them and her acid mouthed tongue.

Here’s where things get weird. So Sam grills Ben. Asking him why she hasn’t had a one-on-one, wondering if he really likes her, wondering where this will go. Then Ben breaks it to her. She is “highly emotional” and this shit ain’t going no where. Samantha is as shocked as we are, the crying starts, she says her goodbyes and she hits the road.

The worst part is that he walks her out. Just let her leave with dignity.

As Samantha exits, Courtney  (who apparently is the new narrator – COME BACK CH! Don’t leave us alone with her!) mutters “Excellent” under her breath and enjoys seeing another girl bite the dust.

With Samantha discarded, Ben turns his attention to the always needy Kacie B. He takes her off to his room where he makes her feel “special.” No telling what exactly that means but I don’t think I want to know. After some insanely uncomfortable and LOUD kissing (during which time I noticed how horrible Ben’s hair really is), Ben takes Kacie B. back to hot tub where we have to pay more attention to Courtney.

The last part of her plot to ruin the group date involves her laying on top of Ben in her bikini while complaining that she is “having a hard time pretending to be human.” She drops this line on him as he goes in for a big, wet, sloppy kiss. She puts the kibosh on that. No kissing until she gets that rose. She weaves a sob story about how she’s feeling vulnerable, unsure and is not doing well in the house (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I scream at the TV to which my family responds with scared glances). Since Ben is totally wrapped up in her spell, he immediately jumps up, sprints to the rose and delivers it at her feet. She rewards him with a scooby snack while I yell, scream and get oddly upset about his idiocy (why why why am I surprised).

This exchange makes me 100% positive that she is an evil witch. Well that and her saying “Winning!” a la Charlie Sheen three times in this episode alone. Ugh, I hate her.

Craters and Country with Jennifer.

The last date is by far the worst date of the season so far and not just because of Jennifer’s awful outfit.

Let’s talk about it. You’re telling me that no one in that house could have lent her something better to wear than a ratty sweater, some baby blue uber flare bell bottoms circa 2001 and some low-top Converse sneakers. Blech.

The first part of the date involves Jennifer and Ben hiking to a crater where they rappel into the pool below. This TERRIFIES Jennifer for some reason and I stop paying attention as she shrieks like a little girl the entire way down. They take a quick swim (and we get a look at Jennifer’s horrible yellow bikini that she picked up 15 years ago at 5-7-9) and we’re painfully forced to watch them tread water. I think that may be the worst SE I’ve had all season. Jennifer seriously looked like she might drown. Someone throw that girl a floaty. Please. Make. It. Stop.


On to dinner, where “nothing can ruin [her] perfect date with Ben.” Um, I can think of one thing, not getting a rose.

After some seriously boring conversation, Jennifer snags the rose and some loud wet kisses. He must have a thing for red heads.

Getting the rose means Jennifer has earned the right to attend the final portion of the date – a Clay Walker concert. This hurts my heart since I like Clay Walker. You’re better than this Clay – so much better. They sing (but definitely don’t know the words) and dance. One thing that Jennifer didn’t get is dipped. Did you all see her throw her head back and leg up, not once but TWICE, in an attempt to get dipped? It was AH – MAH – ZING. If you DVR’ed it, please go back and check it out. I definitely watched it like 6 times.

Rose Ceremony Time.

As I said, I watched this episode at home and before this segment starts my mom decides to go and take a bath. I let her know that she is certainly going to miss the best part, you know the part where they get drunk and wear pretty dresses. Alas, that wasn’t enough to keep her interested. Her loss.

Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer are in the clear. Game on for the rest of the gals.

Okay but before, I have to say this Courtney lip thing is literally driving me crazy. That can’t be normal right? Why does she do that!?!

After a quick toast, he grabs Monica for some one on one time. While they get to know one another, Emily continues to fall pray to Courtney’s evil plan. We haven’t really talked out it this recap but anyone who watched the episode knows that Courtney is literally driving Emily crazy. She is unraveling and all Courtney can do is watch and smile, oh yeah and mess with her hair.

Jamie, who hasn’t spoken once this episode, drops some truth “Obviously you care about him or this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.” Uh, you think. Courtney has clearly gotten under her skin.

So Emily grabs some alone time and instead of wasting it talking about the weather, she wastes it by talking about how disingenuous one of the girls is. She says she won’t name names but then says “this girl got the rose on the group date.” Okay, way to stay cool. But much to Emily’s dismay, Ben rejects Emily’s “gossip” and tells her to go make friends.

After her awkward time with Ben, Emily comes back to talk to Kacy and Jamie about her unraveling. Bad choice to confide in Kacy, who it turns out is Courtney’s one friend in the house (so that’s how she’s stuck around so long- Courtney has let her in on the evil plot. Things are coming together).

Kacy runs back to her puppet master to let her know everything Emily has said about her. Shits about to go down.

“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me,” says Courtney. Followed by, “I almost just wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” Definitely something a nice person would do.

After some brief one-on-one time with Nicki, we get back to the real drama – the  Emily and Courtney hair twirling stand off. That’s how you know this shit is serious. Well that and the overly dramatic music.

The girls gather around in a circle and the show down begins. Courtney cackles and her evil lip takes on Emily. Emily stands no chance and withers under the pressure. She’s all sobs and runny mascara while Courtney doesn’t even break a sweat although she did sneak in another “Winning!” Woof.

Emily clearly has cracked under Courtney’s spell. The side effects are a serious face/nose twitch.

After lots more sadness, CH is on the scene looking good. But before e can even get a word in edge wise, Ben cuts in and ruins the moment.

Side notes: What’s the deal with Blakely’s love of super long dangly earrings? Are Ben and Chris wearing matching suits?

Rose time: 8 roses to hand out. One girl heading home.

Rachel, Jennifer and the Wicked Witch have Roses.

  • Lindzi
  • Jamie (still lying low, still hanging around, still wearing sparkles)
  • Nicki
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse (how is she still here?)
  • Blakely (one more girl gets to get highlights)
  • Kacy S. (at least we know who she is now)
  • Emily gets put on notice. The, as we call it around here, “keep your crazy under control” warning rose.

Aw Monica has to go home. She wasn’t half bad and her limo cry wasn’t so embarrassing. I mean, a little but not tragic.

Next stop: Puerto Rico.

To which the one-upper aka Courney replies “I was there two months ago.” Someone punch her please.

It seems next week will be chock full of more Emily & Courtney drama. That and Kacie B. being overly dramatic and familiar with Ben.

What did you think of this episode? Do you hate Courtney too? Are you afraid if you comment yes that she will cast a spell on you?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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I left my dignity in San Francisco. – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Recap

And we’re back for week three. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?

This episode is sure to be one to remember. It appears we’ll get to hear one more girl (I think the running count is 98 now) say “I can feel myself falling for {insert bachelor name here},” we’re also promised Ben describing a girl using the word “sparkles,” and {get excited} Shawntel in stripper shoes! What more could you ask for?!

The girls are excited, especially Nicki who “feels the only way” she can experience San Francisco “is with Ben.” Oh Nicki. So so desperate. I mean, one of America’s greatest cities can only be appreciated within arms reach of one of America’s shaggiest Bachelors.

When you put it in a coffee mug no one thinks Champagne. Image Source: ABC

On a side note, someone needs to cut that boy’s hair. Can’t someone just sneak in while he’s sleeping (or liqurored up after a rose ceremony) and trim that puppy up? His bangs are becoming a serious distraction. Side note number two, is Ben planning this season alone? What happened to visits to Chang Mai and Anguilla? Instead we’re just traveling up and down the coast of California. Yeah it’s nice but I like to get some value out of this show and the scenic views (no, not i’m not talking about that kind of scenic views) were one of them.

So Ben sits down with his faithful sidekick/sister Julia to give a detailed recap of last week’s episode. The breakdown makes me wonder if Ben realizes this is only week three and his “meet the fam” episode isn’t for like 9 weeks.

Half an ice tea later, Julia is bored and already significantly dumber after hearing about how amazing and ready for love each of the bimbos bachelorettes are. She wishes him luck on his “journey,” rolls her eyes and returns to her life, thanking her lucky stars that it will be three months before she has to deal with this bull again.

Thankfully, Chris Harrison swoops in to save us from Ben’s horrid, solo recaps (doesn’t he know he lacks the experience, editing know-how and access to the Bachelor soundtrack CDs that make for a success recap?). CH is here to explain how the show works to the girlies. They pretend to follow along and jump up excitedly when he throws them the date card. Unfortunately for us all, he escapes for a night of drinking with the boys while the girls clamor for the date info.

Emily, Love Lifts Us Up. – Ben. 

The girls seethed with jealousy hoping that the cryptic message means that Ben will be dumping her off the side of a building. While the other girls plot, Emily does what any girl about to go on a date does – frets. She wonders “will he like me… will he think i’m pretty… will I pee my pants?” Yes, inquiring minds want to know Emily – will you pee your pants? Ah, the perils of being a contestant on The Bachelor.

Emily’s concerns are all very valid in Courtney, the wicked witch of the west’s, dead eyes. She sees Emily’s smarts (must have remembered that she’s some sort of doctor) but in her oddest, most vapidly conniving face she proclaims into her magical mirror, “Book smart can be a little boring.”

Let the SE begin, Emily & Ben execute the awkward run meet up. This may be one of my most hated parts of this show but I am also oddly intrigued by its constant reappearance on the show. One hug and twirl later and it’s date time.

The big surprise is that they’re climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. It’s about damn time we got a date where they make one of the girls “face their fears” (this usually involves heights, crying and kissing). Some safety dude in a reflective vest reminds us this is serious business and I wish he knew just how serious. This is a climb for true love.

Hold on to my mouth.

I wonder if this is some sort of Bachelor meets Final Destination twist the producers planned this season in an attempt to permanently eliminate one girl from the competition each week. A girl can dream.

Oh well, one thing the producers did manage to take care of was strategically placing a telescope in the hotel room (what those aren’t standard?) pointed directly at the Bay Bridge. I think they may have thrown something sparkly in front of it just as Ben & Emily locked lips for their first “so romantic it occurred on the Bay Bridge” kiss.

If that wasn’t enough to set your heart a flutter, the two individually compare their hike and conquering their fear to their “quest for love.” Maybe these two are meant to be.  If they can take this bridge together, they can do anything!

They hug until their bodies can physically hug no more and it’s off to dinner. (Wait, how do we get down from here?)

During dinner, Ben & Emily share their dating horror stories which include a failed proposal and an attempted set-up with a sibling (he wins). In between grunts and blank nodding from Ben, Emily shares that she hopes to conquer her two biggest fears in one night – rejection & heights (Oh Bachelor, you’re always making dreams come true). She’ll have to wait because…

… back at the penthouse pajama party, the group date card has arrived.

Everyone but Britteney, Lindzi and Courtney will be crossing something off their “leap list.”

Enough of that, we’re back at the bridge where it looks like Ben is about to pull a humpty dumpty off his stool. After not paying attention to whatever Emily is saying, Ben cuts in, talks more about his dad and single-handedly wipes away Emily’s fear of rejection … for now.

She gets the rose and like a bat signal to the girls waiting by the windows, firecrackers pop into the sky. Their roars silence the tears of the girls weeping as they cry themselves to sleep.

Leaping Into Love

We're going skiing bitches! Image: ABC

The girls are all gussied up in their semi-slutty sundresses and stilettos. But Ben has a surprise, we’re going skiing? What, in summertime? Impossible you say!? Nope, not on the Bachelor. “WHHHAAAATT?” the girls say in unison. Ben tells them to put a sock in it while he shows off the features of their sponsored cars.

All the prep wasn’t in vain though. This isn’t your grandma’s (or anyone else in your family unless you have a porn star for a relative) skiing. This is Bachelor skiing which means the girls will be stripping down to their string bikinis to slide down the streets of San Fran.


The pros at The Bachelor have figured out a way to make skiing slutty. It’s like they’re just begging for a nip slip. While the good people of San Francisco gape, wondering what in the hell has happened to their fair city, all I can wonder, “is this a porno?”

We get a quick reprieve for the next date card presentation. This date is for the Grandma-loving Britteney. “Let’s unlock our love with a key to the city.” But it appears that ole Brit doesn’t want to unlock anything of Ben’s. Emily tries to convince Brit Brit that she and Shaggy will have a ton o fun but Brit ain’t buying it. I’m thinking she may be packing her bags in no time flat.

The girls put their clothes back on so Ben can take them to this “rad” bar to hang out or as contestants call it, binge drink. Ben decides which girl he wants to tongue kiss first and this time it’s…

…Rachel! He steals her away for a quick complement session before a brief but graphic (see below) make out sesh. But all that open mouth kissing under Kacie B.’s watchful eye has her on the verge so Ben does what any red-blooded American man would do…

…takes her on a walk and then sucks the crazy right out of her mouth. He’s required to do this after he notices Kacie’s uncanny ability to “sparkle.”

Back at the hotel, Britteney begins to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t want to be a part of this charade. So she packs her stuff up and heads back to Granny’s.

As Britteney packs, Courtney nods into the mirror, acknowledging to her only ally that their evil plan is coming along perfectly.

Back on the date, Ben decides he wants to tongue kiss and sneak a boobie grab in with Blakeley. But before he can make a move, Britteney crashes the date to let Ben know she’s heading over the river and through the woods back to Grandma’s. Ben, once again, demonstrates his inability to show emotion and stares ahead blankly wondering when he can get back to trying to feel up Blakeley.

Ben stuffs her in a cab, sends his regards to Grandma and heads back into the tiki hut to consider the future…

… and who will get the date rose!

Tonight’s rose goes to”someone unexpected” Ben says although I pretty much expected it since the producers gave us a pretty graphic shot of these two open mouth kissing. Yup, it’s our favorite fashionista Rachel.

End Scene.

Trolley Hopping with Lindzi

It’s time for the annual concert date and I’m anxiously awaiting to see this year’s performer. Who will follow in the long line of adult contemporary artists forced to take the stage by their management?

The girls wake from the slumber party that never stops and clamor to find out who will get Britteney’s cast-aside date card. The honor goes to the resident equestrian Lindzi who is so consumed with excitement she makes Kacie B. seem normal. This news hits Ariel and Ursula (Jennifer and Courtney) hard, each hoping that they would be the poor unfortunate soul (YES! Finally worked in a Little Mermaid reference!) to get the last date with Ben in San Fran.

Who is this guy? Image Source: ABC

This date is a trolley hop around town where they cut the line at all of Ben’s favorite haunts. They spoil their dinner with a scoop of ice cream and then points out the stall in Chinatown where he scoops his weed. And then it’s on to the concert which takes place behind lock & key in City Hall. How romantic. They sway to music of Matt Nathanson (who for his own dignity’s sake probably forbid them from saying his name more than once), spin, dip and bounce to the next stop. Dinner is at a speakeasy where Lindzi attempts to act so surprised but we know she’s not since she’s sporting her favorite modern-day flapper look.

This is where the embarrassment sets in. As long as Ben is moving from task to task, he has little time to look insanely awkward trying to hold a conversation. But dinner presents a unique challenge – five (or what feels like an eternity) of chit-chat. He is void of all emotion until Lindzi lays the “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” text break-up story on him. Ben chokes back laughter and for once seems human.

Ben knows he can’t let her go home empty-handed after sharing her text-to-dump story, so he gives her the rose and takes her to one last stop. They open up shop at a piano store where he “teaches” her how to play his favorite song, yup you know it, just when you thought they couldn’t ruin a perfectly good song anymore, David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” is back. And it is now confirmed that I can never enjoy that song the same way again. We close with some tongue kissing (blech) and dreams of happily ever after.

The Bitch is Back

It’s Shawntel time. You remember Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal) from Brad’s season (which, it must be said, was far more entertaining than this one). You know, the one who worked with the dead.

Welp, Shawntel hopped in her convertible and cruised down the coast of Cali to have her shot at Ben. She calls up our main man CH and let’s him know she’s coming back for round two. Apparently she and Ben met at one of the Bachelor cast reunion/drunk fest/orgy’s and had a “connection.” She doesn’t want to miss another chance at love so she’s throwing her name in the hat.

As she approaches like a storm from the north, the girls zip up their sparkliest dresses, highest heels and party pants ready to hunt for love. Courtney assembles the girls using the guise of a toast to a “drama-free” night but we all know she has roofied the girls as part of her evil scheme. Oh Courtney, you may have fooled these skanks and Shaggy but you’re not pulling the wool over my eyes.

Red aka Ariel aka Jennifer pulls Ben aside and lays it on the line that “she likes him.” Cue the intense onset of secondary embarrassment. A little slip up turns into a giant mess when she continues to gush all over him (using the word “dreamy” which literally made my skin crawl – seriously? are you 13?). Ben diffuses the awkwardness in the only way he knows possible, by slipping his tongue down her throat (hey, at least she stopped talking). The kiss causes Ariel to proclaim that she is “falling in love” at which point I lunged at the TV screaming, “YOU ARE NOT in LOVE. You have know this guy for a week, max. I repeat, you are not in love.”

Shawntel finally makes her way to the hotel where she meets up with CH who immediately tells her she needs a shower and a blow out. STAT. He sends her to her room to get her act together so she can crash the party in style.

Not one to let camera time be diverted from her evil plot, Courtney gives us her expert commentary on some of the girls. (None of whom she would be friends with in the real world. Um Courtney, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared.)

Nicki – Sweet but an idiot (may have to agree with that one).

Blakeley – the girl your boyfriends cheats on you with (yeah probably have to agree with that one too).

Before we can find out her thoughts on the enigma that is Kacie S., we’re back at the party where Courtney accuses Kacie B. of “eying” Elyse. Happy with her ability to stir up drama, she exits and leaves to find Ben with tension and drama in her wake Thankfully, Emily (who is going up in my book every episode as long as she cools it with the rapping) recognizes Courtney’s wickedness and informs everyone that she is “weird.”

She and Ben use a secret passage (so many of those this episode) to escape to the roof (be careful Ben) where Ben wonders aloud “I don’t know what you did to me the other day.” “C’mon Ben,” I scream at the TV. “Can’t you see she’s a wiked witch who has cast an evil spell on you?” Ah, if only someone would let him know.

Courtney then drops the ultimate crazy on him (while of course, bitting her lip), “We’d make really cute babies.” Whoa woah woah. You can tell Ben is even a little creeped out by this (it’s hard to tell sometimes) and laughs awkwardly while begging for someone to step in for the steal.

Back to Shawntel, who clearly is still of the mindset that she needs a reality show to find love. She knows that she’ll fall instantly in love with Ben as I throw my remote across the room in utter amazement and disgust.  She waltzes in all nonchalant past the bevy of beauties posted up too nervous to actually speak with Ben. They immediately crow “Who the hell is that bitch?” Their anger is palpable as they chase her in the most passive aggressive way possible – at least two feet behind her without actually speaking to her directly. Shawntel makes her way to Ben, who is chatting up Elyse, who is so surprised (hello emotion!) that she is greeted with a “Holy Shit!”

Yup, the grim reaper is in the {pent} house.

A quick break and we’re back to a chorus of “Who IS that?” “Who is that BITCH?” “Who the hell is SHE?” that is until one of the Bachelor-buffs recognizes Shawntel from Brad’s season. Let the insults begin!

Supresa!

I’m going to  have to break in here. So I get that they are pissed. But do these girls not already realize they are in a competition for one man’s affection with 20+ other girls? What’s one more? Yeah she’s a little late to the party (and a little desperate, I get it) but c’mon – it’s not Sister Wives here. It’s a show where you try to beat other girls at love.

Okay back to the madness. Shawntel attempts to explain she appearance to Ben while the girls circle around her like hormonal sharks. I feel increasingly awkward as each camera angle shows more and more hateful, watching eyes. Yowza.

After a quick chat, Ben takes Shawntel inside where he introduces her to the wolves and then leaves her to be slaughtered. She fumbles to explain herself as they pull her apart limb by limb.

Rebecca Black, in an attempt to make herself feel better, proclaims that Shawntel is uglier in person and has huge calves (okay, I’ve been saying that since she donned her first party dress).

Courtney, on the other hand, is pissed that another evil queen is on the scene and in true juvenile fashion, storms out. “If he gives her a rose, I’m leaving!” Jacklyn chimes in that Shawntel is just Brad’s dumpster trash (um, soon to be pot meet kettle).

Shawntel’s appearance on the scene has unleashed the crazy. Yikes. Ben, in a fleeting moment of intelligence, calls off the angry mob and says it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s worth noting that Shawntel has some serious cojones coming back. It’s also worth noting that the shoes in the preview (sparkly, strappy, slutty) are NOT Shawntel’s shoes (Ahh ABC editing, you get me every time – should have known those were Blakeley’s glittery gold strappies.)

Rose Time:
Emily, Rachel and Lindzi all have roses.

The rest go to…

  • Courtney – She’s up first but can’t decide whether to accept this rose. Its been “heavy tonight since I saw you talking to what’s her butt.” Yes, that’s an exact quote. She really did say that. Do you think she’ll give it back if Shawntel gets a rose? Gah, I hope so.
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse

Each girl seems to be rubbing it in Shawntel’s face when they get a rose. Oh girls.

  • Jamie
  • Jennifer
  • Kacie S. – Seriously? When are we going to get to meet this girl?
  • Blakeley
  • Nicki the Nurse Who is BY FAR the most emotionally unstable girl left in the game.
  • Monica
  • Samantha

And the final rose goes to…

Hold your horses. It’s a Ben monologue. Nope, it’s a Rebecca Black meltdown.  It appears that binge drinking, high heels and standing for 6 hours have finally caught up with someone. This meltdown has given us more time to hear the gals hate on the evil death force that is Shawntel. “It’s all HER fault!”

They prop up Rebecca Black so we can get this thing over with and we finally get to hear Ben string together three full sentences.

After giving a breakdown of how wonderful (yeah right) the three remaining girls (Shawntel, Rebecca Black and Jacklyn) are, the final rose goes to NO ONE.

Bombshell.

As the girls scatter away in tears (or literally collapse to the ground in dismay – I’m looking at you RB), Courtney let’s out an evil cackle to cement her reign of terror over the group and cast Shawntel out into the wilderness. (Okay, I’m getting carried away with this, I know, but you’ll have to get used to it).

This Happened.

Shawntel’s left to pack up her suitcase full of one-shoulder dresses and head back to family funeral home. Unfortunately, her second stint on the Bachelor turned out worse than the first. Here’s hoping this is her last appearance.

In between, Shawntel’s self-recognition (“I just feel so dumb.” Uh, you can say that again), we find out the girls are heading to Park City (you know just another perfect place to fall in love). Not the tropical destination I was hoping for but at least they’re getting out-of-town.

Next week we’re in store for more “falling in love” bikinis, evil spells and yay! the reappearance of hot tubs! And it looks like the rag-tag gang of Disney Princesses come together to take down the evil queen. Although I’m not getting my hopes up.

What did you think of Shawntel’s reappearance? Was this the best (and by best, I mean most embarrassingly juicy) episode yet this season? Who are your favorites?

Also, I’ll be featuring a guest post tomorrow. So get excited.

Until then… stay tuned!

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