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“There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Or just the 2nd Episode of The Bachelor Season 18

Before we can dive right into all of last night’s madness, can we all just take a quick second to ponder something that’s on my mind? You ready for it?

Why, oh why, is Kelly’s dog still there?

We all know she’s a “dog lover,” it’s her “occupation” for God’s sake but didn’t she have someone, ANYONE at home that could watch Molly (I think they said that’s her name) for a few weeks (c’mon we all know Kelly’s only gonna last a couple more episodes anyways).

Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way. Let’s move like last night’s episode right into the first date (Seriously, why didn’t we get to see the date card get delivered? WHERE WAS CHRIS HARRISON!?!), a one-on-one with Clare.

You may remember Clare from her faux baby bump introduction. Some of you may have thought it was cute or clever but I’m firmly in the camp who believes that was just the first taste of crazy from this one. This date confirmed this.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think Clare is very pretty (so you agree, you think you’re really pretty), has fabulous hair and a good sense of style (once you got past that baby bump last week, the dress was cute). I also think she has an issue keeping her overenthusiastic crazy under control. But before we can get into her usage of fairy tale analogies, Clare must give us the scoop on her dating habits, “I don’t date, I don’t go to bars..” but she does apply a mean lip gloss while laughing quietly to herself in the mirror (what was that?).

JP swings by the casa to pick up Clare in “his car” (really Juan Pablo, is it YOUR car?) but Clare is not allowed in before getting blindfolded. This is clearly how she likes to begin all of her dates. She giggles incessantly as they make their way to the surprise location. I’m sure they are talking (and by they, I mean Clare talks while JP nods) but all I can focus on is how white Clare’s teeth are. Wowzer – she really hit those Crest Whitestrips hard before heading out to LA huh?

They finally arrive at a Winter Wonderland that Juan Pablo claims to have planned special for Clare (big ups to the producers!). Clare thinks it’s all so wonderful and hits us with our first Disney reference. (You guys, we’re only 5 minutes into the SECOND episode. Shit is getting real this season.) “I feel like this is the perfect fairytale and I am living it right now.” I’m pretty well versed in my fairy tales and I’m still scratching my head trying to figure out which Brothers Grimm tale involves a prince dating 25 desperate girls in hopes of finding his one true love. Do you all have any guesses?

While you’re thinking about that why don’t you just think about this gem that Clare also shared in between snow frolicking, “All I can do is sit there and smell him. He smells like heaven in a bottle.” Yes my friends, she said that. And that is why she is still single.

The producers know that we’re all fighting the urge to jump through the TV and bury Clare in a pile of fake snow so they send us back to the pad where Lucy is just letting it all hang out. No really, she’s topless.

“I’m not going to go unnoticed,” she tells the other girls while reeking of desperation and patchouli.

Since they’ve done their job is lessening Clare’s crazy load, we can head back to hear her “check” off some date prerequisites (“We’re having a blast… check! He’s hilarious…check!”) Not sure what these prerequisites are for but after a minute, I’m guessing they are what need to happen before she can go into more detail on her daddy issues.

And before we can say “Papa can you hear me?” Clare is down to her skivies and massaging Juan Pablo’s back in the hot tub. This wouldn’t be totally cringe worthy if she wasn’t blabbing on incessantly about how great her daddy was. Now, I’m not trying to be insensitive (I can’t help it, I was born this way) and I know it’s super sad that her dad passed away but it was NINE years ago. I’m thinking that it’s time for you to accept it and figure out a way to move on with your life at this point.

Also, nothing kills a mood more than talking about your “daddy” while you’re trying to get sexy. From the look on JP’s face, he was feeling the same way we were. Thankfully he dunks her under the water, shakes her until she stops and then grabs her face aggressively to kiss her (okay so just that last part actually happened).

The kiss transports Clare to a world where all her dreams come true and where the man of her dreams “tastes like snow.” (Does she know what real snow looks like?) Just when I thought this thing couldn’t get any more ridiculous, we hear music in the background.

For the love of all things good and holy, please tell me there is not a musical performance on this date. ABC wasn’t wasting any time with this one were they. It’s everything but the kitchen sink for the first date.

While I get serious case of the sads for this Marc Cohen soundalike, a little piece of my soul simultaneously dies as I watch Clare and Juan Pablo prance (yes, that’s what they were doing) across the faux snow.

They dance the night away as I lunge for my remote control (praise the lord for DVR!).

It’s electric with Kat

Next up on the roster is Kitty Kat. Kat seems like a nice, normal enough girl but we all know that can change faster than you can say “first impression rose” so we’ll see what happens.

All the other girls are jealous as hell but Kat doesn’t rub it in too much before jumping in the borrowed Bentley and heading out. Their next stop – a private jet! Wowser. This is big time.

The minute Kat sees the jet, her mind starts wandering, throwing out ideas of where they are heading. Her top two guesses: Miami and New York. Um, did she not realize that they are filming in Los Angeles. I’m guessing she’s not great with geography at this point but I’m doubting that the producers would set you up on date that took you cross-country … on the first episode.

Instead of sunny Miami, it’s off to Salt Lake City (wah wah). I thought that might result in a total bummer but instead this date gets some points for originality since they’re doing a Glow Run.

I want to get all sassy on this date but the only things worth snarking on are Kat’s dance moves and Juan Pablo calling the music “beautiful” (only someone who lives in Miami would call house music beautiful).

So rather than spending a lot of time waxing poetic on day glow and how ridiculous it is to think you’re falling in love after a neon dance run, I’m going to move right on ahead to the group date aka the good stuff.

p.s. – Kat gets the rose.

Group Date: Say Cheese. And by Say Cheese, We Mean Get Drunk.
Chelsea, Kristy, Kelly, Cassandra, Andi, Renee, Lauren, Ali, Chantel, Nikki, Elise, Victoria and Lucy.

Before the head out, the girls take guesses on what they’ll be doing. Kelly comes in strong with her best guess, “I would assume it’s a photo shoot but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both so I’m okay with either.” Good to know Kelly. Thanks for that.

In other preparation news, Lucy realizes that lifting up her shirt and exposing herself may work for tips at her neighborhood strip joint but it may not be the way to catch Juan’s eye. As a side note, if I was one of the other girls I would give her a titty twister the next time she flashed those pups and make her seriously reconsider doing it ever again.

I mean really, does she not have a father? An employer? Anyone that would prefer that she keep her top on during a stint on national television?  Can’t you keep what little remains of your dignity inside your bra?

Moving on. The brigade of boots + cut-offs hop in a limo and it’s off to the races. Kelly, was half right (they are doing a photo shoot, not sure about the eating cheese). Good work Kel.

Willy Wonka pops out of a linen closet and explains to the gals that they will be pairing up with a puppy, dressing up in totally random costumes and making a calendar or poster of some sort.  Um, why didn’t they bring Molly or whatever Kelly’s dog is named. She was made for this.

The girls break to prepare and Lucy wanders off where she keenly observes, “There was a lot of sex. There was a lot of pooping. There was a lot of disorder.” Basically what Lucy calls a Wednesday night.

It turns out that while some girls get to sport bikinis and fancy dresses, others are stuck with ridiculous body paint, weird puffy wigs (what was up with that) and silly costumes. Others are stuck with nothing. Yup, you read that right. Nothing.

What the what are they supposed to be? Is Chelsie a space alien on her way to work?

I want to high-five the producers like I’m Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother) for the sheer genius of this set up. It’s like an America’s Next Top Model shoot on acid.

Unfortunately for Elise and Andi, they draw the short stick and wind up with no clothes to wear. Obviously there is a little pouting and I totally get it. These gals have a shred of dignity and realize that, as a first grade teacher and a prosecuting attorney, it may not be in their best interest to get naked on TV. Respect.

What I don’t understand is why both of them don’t take off running straight to Lucy the minute they find out. Eventually Elise realizes Lucy will do a tradesy with her and she happily dons her fire hydrant costume.

Poor Andi is stuck and is all sad until sweet, sweet Juan Pablo comes over and sprinkles Latin happiness all over her (sorry I realize now that sounds VERY dirty). It’s just come to me that I haven’t talked nearly enough about how precious Juan Pablo is… I mean he barely speaks English but whatever he’s putting down, I’m picking it up.

In a moment of true bliss for all the ladies at home, JP says he’ll get naked if she will and it’s game on. In other news, Andi is really, really pretty.

oh you’re getting naked too? then count me in!

Favorite Moment by far though was Juan Pablo and Renee’s Lady and the Tramp recreation. Those two are the sweetest.

Gotta love a little lady and the tramp action.

Otherwise, I’m pretty bored with this and just biding my time with online shopping until the drunken lady fest begins.

Each girl is required to chug a bottle of champagne and throw on the tightest dress they packed before heading to the same hotel they ALWAYS go to in LA.

The first lady desperate for attention is Cassandra who let’s us know she’s been unnecessarily clingy to her mom for a reason… she’s got a kiddo. Sorry Mama Cass, Renee already has you beat on cutest Mom in the top 15.

She musters up all the courage her 90 lb body can handle and confesses this news to JP. Because he’s adorable and lovely, he reacts in the sweetest way possible. He is a precious puppy.

Speaking of precious puppies, Renee is up next and she is determined to get a lip lock. The will they or won’t they tension in this three minute segment is crushing and I’m not sure if I want to hide under my couch cushions or jump through the TV and push their faces together. JUST KISS ALREADY!

I won’t even be mad if it’s loud, wet and sloppy.

While these two have been off being cutey patooties, Victoria has been drinking everything in sight. And it’s awesome. Have I told you guys how much I love when people get crazy over the rose and by crazy, I mean drunk.

And so begins, the Victoria show.

“This is how I am sober,” Vicky slurs to sweet little Nikki the Nurse. Oh Victoria, this is what we’ve been waiting for. Looks like you just punched your card to the pad.

Nikki the Nurse just sits next to her shaking her head, ready to jump and dodge should things get nasty.  Speaking of nasty, I’m not sure what the hymen maneuver is but apparently Victoria gave it to Juan Pablo earlier in the day. Maybe Nikki can clarify (actually, no thank you please).

is that the hymen manuever?

Victoria is running around the roof top with her mouth hanging open like a Muppet creeping on everyone getting a little Juan-on-Juan time (sorry, I couldn’t help it).

Her latest victim is Nikki who is just trying to sneak a little under the blanket action when Victoria comes loud talking in their direction. JP asks if someone’s been over-served but Nikki knows that snitches get stitches so she just does a little eye brow raise and let’s JP put two and two (cocktails) together.
At this point, Victoria loses it and we get to watch her go through every phase of drunk, annoying girl: loud, bitchy, delusional, a little crazy, sad and overly aggressive. My favorite has got to be delusional. Talking to herself in the hot tub definitely didn’t get enough air time.

Just as Juan Pablo heads off to talk to big drunky, Drew comes into the room at this point with a little truth bomb, “This is why the girls throw fits, so they get attention.” Truth. Although the fact that JP dosn’t booze strong may mean that this girl has a one way ticket back home (as long as that hippy swirly producer can book her one).

I wish Juan P would just send her home on the spot but he’s a kind, gentle soul and he tells her to get it together and then asks the other gals to take good care of her since he’s getting the hell out of here. He dips but not before giving Kelly the date rose. Didn’t see that one coming but she did have to dress up like a polka dot alien and didn’t complain once (because she knew Molly her dog/lover would love it when she got home).

Did anyone else notice that ole girl has a wonky left eye? Why won’t it open all the way? Maybe that’s why she’s a professional “dog lover.” Still trying (really hard) to figure that one out. You guys got any ideas?

So it’s back to the house but Vicky isn’t allowed back so JP has to go hit up the hotel to send her home. He is WAY too nice to her, accepts her apology but uses the ultimate trump card, little Camila as his out. “I just can’t have you around CaMEEla.” Victoria tries to say it’s just the latin lady in her “Welcome to Brazil,” she says in a last ditch effort but JP sweetly says it’s time to go and so we’ll never really know what the hymen maneuver is.

Rose Ceremony

This post is WAY too long so I’m going to cut this short and only remark on the one thing that gave me a heeby jeeby case of the SE’s – Amy’s interview.

What the what was that? The fake interview. NO! The TV voice. NO! Looking straight into the camera. NO NO NO!  The interview questions about herself in the third person. NO NO NO NO NO! I can’t take it. Someone cut off her imaginary mic.

Juan Pablo barely speaks but I know this is giving him some major SE too.

In other news, Sharleen realizes she acted like a total turd last time and apologizes for that and her love for beige dresses.

Obviously there has been a lot of girl talk this episode but that’s because I don’t think JP has said more than 7 sentences this entire episode. I love it. Just keep those puppy dog eyes, earnest nods and “I understands,” coming. Seriously though, even when he does douchey stuff he’s annoying. He can do no wrong.

Rose ceremony:
Kelly, Clare and Kat already have roses. The rest go to:

* Cassandra

* Nikki the Nurse

* Andi (YAY!)

* Elise – did she push two girls on the way to her rose?

* Sharleen

* Renee (YES!)

* Danielle

* Lucy (Why!?!)

* Allison

* Chelsea

* Lauren

Cut to Amy who bites her lip more than Ariel in the Little Mermaid.

* Kristi

So Amy and Chantel are out. P.s. – do any of you watch Real World/Road Rules Challenge? Because Chantel looks just like Jasmin from that show (not the Disney princess).

Oh Amy, don’t give up on love but do get the hell out of here.

I know it’s been a long recap and I’m feeling like it’s not some of my most inspired work but stay tuned because next week, I promise to bring the heat.

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Filed under The Bachelor

Hola Mi Amour * The Hunt for the Juan * The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 1

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? Probably not, you probably just forgot about me and moved on to a bitchier, better Bachelor blogger. Don’t worry I’m not going to cry like a contestant with daddy issues. I know I’ve been away but I’m back and ready to share my love of Juan Pablo with the world.

Seriously guys, it’s Juan Pablo time. First off, I gotta give a big, giant, sealed with a wet kiss thank you to ABC for giving us all this belated Christmas gift. Nice, nice work. Your best trabajo in years (my apologies in advance, there’s going to be a lot of Spanglish going on this season).

So let’s all forget about Ben Flajnik and Desiree, put them in the past and get excited about a long winter’s nap heating up with Juan P.

“God damn you are good looking in person,” said Juan Pablo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t share my excitement with my DVR and due to an unfortunate (more like blessing in disguise) glitch, I missed almost the entire portion of the show dedicated to sob stories, awkward desperation cries and long walks on the beach (boardwalk, farm, small town Main Street). I was spared a lot of secondary embarrassment which could be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, the only bad part is that I’m coming into these limo reveals without any back story. The good part, I don’t have to learn a lot about a bunch of girls that aren’t going to last past the first 45 minutes.

I’m going to chalk this one up as a win since I get to mentally fast-forward straight to home-sweet-home (aka the bachelor mansion) and a quick bro catch up with my long lost boy toy Chris Harrison. Missed you boo bear.

You know who I missed more… oh you know. It’s Juan Pablo. After blowing a few kisses at my paused TV screen (Drew was in the basement watching the football game), I’m ready to kick things off. Let’s do this mi amour.

Side note: totally loving on JP’s new English skills. How cute is it that he practiced? How cute is he for doing literally ANYTHING? Sorry, I digress. Back to the limos.

With squeels of delight and “he’s so cute” in the background (from the limos, not from ME. C’mon you guys), we’re ready to unleash the ladies of Limo Numero Uno (sorry i can’t help it).

* Amy. I’m going to call you Jessica Rabbit. Why is your dress so sparkly? Please tell me this is not going to be a pageant dress parade. Pretty, pretty please.

* Cassandra. How nervous is this girl? At least she’s letting her cleavage make the first impression because lord knows her awkward lack of talking isn’t winning JP over.

* Christy. Too tan. Why the white dress? Ditch that headpiece. This isn’t Coachella.

I am getting super judgy but JP is digging it. Take note ladies:  A little clevage and a lot of barrel curls will go a long way with a man.

* Christine. This little latina in the green dress is from Miami (you can totally tell from her accent) and I’m thinking JP may dig this gal. Bonus points for bringing a little present for Camila.

* Nikki the Nurse. Just an FYI, this will be how I refer to her from here on out (which could be a long time judging by the previews). Not sure how I feel about the stethoscope prop. I give her credit for giving JP an excuse to get super close to her ta-tas.

Limo Numero Dos

* Kat. This little kitty is a dancer who is pulling her best J.Law impression in that red dress.

* Chantel. All I know about Chantel is that she is very sassy about name pronunciation. She’s bossy (say it in the Kelis voice and it will be better).

* Victoria. This little lady is from Brazil and drops a little portugese language bomb on JP which he totally digs. All I know is ABC better be ready with the subtitles with these two.

Side note: Can we please outlaw the awkward hugs that accompany this portion of the show. They are all forced, they all make me uncomfortable and the girls always do something weird with their face/body to avoid leaving a giant make-up schmear on the guy’s shoulder.

* Lucy. Okay first off, “free spirit” is not a job. If it was, we’d all be free spirits and living like we’re part of the 1%. We all saw the special yesterday, old girl works in a boutique so cut the crap and just put “Sales Associate” or the like. Also, take off that stupid flower crown, put on some shoes you hobo and stop acting like a five year old. Lucy, you’re already wearing me out and we’ve just met. This doesn’t bode well for your SE future.

* Danielle. What a beautiful name. That is all.

* Woah what’s happening? Is Sarah Baralleies performing on the first episode? Nope, it’s just Lauren or whatever her name is, flexing her talent muscle on the piano. I’ll give her credit for coming strong with a real talent instead of a horse/skateboard (I’m looking at you Lindzi and Jef – gah their stupid name spelling should have been the first warning).

Lauren, in all her talent glory, forgets to tell JP her name. So he chases her inside which causes ole Jessica Rabbit to do her best Kevin McAllister impression. Hey ladies, Chill the F**K Out.

You can play my keys. Wait did I say that out loud?

Limo Numero Tres

* Chelsea. Love that dress and this girl seems cool until… wait… no, take off those science nerd frames. No no no, do not say “let’s have chemistry.” Thank the lord above that she didn’t kiss him. For a half second,  I thought she might and I got super uncomfortable. I’m not totally out on this girl but she’s treading on thin ice.

* Valerie. Oh cut it out with the cowboy boots. You’re not THAT country.  -

* Elise. This one kind of weirds me out. Why is she walking (no sauntering) so slow? What’s with the pageant talk? Why is she making me so uncomfortable unintentionally?

* Ashley. Love the dress. She seems a little old for JP though.

* Clare. WTF. Take off that fake baby bump. That shit is just weird. Seriously, it’s really really weird. I miss a lot of their interaction because my mouth is hanging open in disbelief that this is really happening in front of me. Why are people so strange/desperate for attention?

*Alli. Alli knows whats up. She’s breaking out those soccer skills to impress Juan. And it certainly fills the time better than a hug and oddly staring at each other.

* Amy.  “I’m here for you, because it’s you.” Well hey there big crazy. We’ve been waiting for you! Drinks are inside. Grab a few and we’ll talk later.

* Renee. Hot mama. Seriously though, she’s really pretty (so you agree, you think she’s really pretty) and seems semi-normal. And she’s got a little boy. Love it.

* Lauren. Woof. First off, those shoes. And second, don’t do that smushed up thing with your nose. It does nothing (and I mean nothing) for you.

* Maggie.  Our resident southern belle. “Lures” him in with a little fishing gift and that accent.

REALLY?

* Really, a dog? Really? And then your job is “dog lover?” That’s NOT A JOB. Sorry, not to be insensitive but that’s NOT A JOB. It’s just not. And why does the dog go with her to the party? Also, has the dog been stealing all her food? Kelly - we’re getting off to a VERY bad start.

Limo Numero Quattro

* Lacy. More pageant dresses. This time with a side of red hots courtesy of a prescription from Dr. Cupid. No. Just No.

* Alexis. I can’t even remember what this girl looks like now. My b.

* Kylie. If the double wave didn’t alert you to the fact that she’s a total douche, the pepto pink dress should have tipped you off.

* Sharleen. Why so serious Sharleen? No but really? Why is she so stiff. Loosen up little lady (no really, you need to have loose morals to be on this show).

* Andi.  Oh this girl is it. ABC even cued up that lovey music. I’m thinking I’m going to be adding this lady to my top five picks in my Bachelor pool (yup, I’m in one of those and it’s awesome). Juan Pablo is really picking up what this little hottie is putting down.

So now that we’ve met all 27 (dios mio) girls, it’s time to liquor them up and let the crazy loose. You guys excited?

So when do you all take off all your clothes?

Juan Pablo walks in and the girls all wipe the drool off their chins in unison. This comes immediately before they all squeal “he’s sooooo cUUUUTe” together. If you were drinking at home, this would be your cue to tip the glass. That and any time they mention the accent or Camila.

Despite the awkward entry, Sharleen makes up for it with the clutch cocktail. Juan Pablo let’s out an “Aye Yai Yai” which the girls all think means “Cheers!” and we’re off.

Just gotta break in and raise my glass to ABC, once again, on the JP choice. Seriously great work you guys.

Before you ask, yes, we did roofie this drink.

Juan Pablo knows it’s time to mix things up so he does the only thing he’s comfortable doing in a room full of chicas, he breaks out the boom box and gets a dance party underway. In a flash, it looks like a scene straight out of The Wolf of Wall Street before the Quaaludes kick in.

Here’s the highlights of the one-on-ones:

* Nikki the Nurse. JP remembers her because she’s the nurse and she made his heart go “boom boom.” Me, Juan Pablo. You, Nurse.

Hey okay Tarzan, we get it. You don’t speak great English but we’re going to have to do better than that if we’re going to make it through 10+ weeks of this.

* Renee the Momma. All these two need is a cup of coffee and we’ve got a Match.com commercial. Just two single parents sharing stories and talking extra curriculars. Let;s hoping these two get to doa little extra curriculars of their own coming up this season on The Bachelor (sorry, sometimes I can’t help but go into Chris Harrison mode).

Consider this your warning Lucy. Keep this up and things are going to get bad.

* Lucy, I’m going to need you to get the hell out of here right quick. Personally I have a pet peeve about not wearing shoes. There is NO EXCUSE for not wearing shoes. Honey, there’s these things, they sell them at stores, they’re called FLAT SANDALS. I want to buy a pair and throw them directly at the flower crown on her head (hoping that the foot bed hits her squarely in the nose while knocking the crown off). “I’m just a drifter,” she says. Um, really? Because yesterday I saw you working at a high-end boutique. Pretty sure real “drifers” don’t sell $500+ dresses to rich women in Hollywood but hey, I could be wrong.

Oh this girl. I feel that she may bring out some of my best work while simultaneously driving me crazy.

* What, where did this massage table come from. Seriously producers? You are just unleashing the crazy and totally enabling these girls. I’m not mad, truly I’m impressed. One glass of champs and Amy’s got glazed over crazy eyes in full effect as she rubs down Juan Pablo. (Side note: Why are her boobs so smushed in that dress? Looks horrible along with those bangs).

No, just no.

I’m totally distracted by her weird smushed dress cleavage when I hear her say, “I just wanted to take off his clothes and poor my oils all over him.” These people live among us. Just remember that.

“The massage was pretty awkward,” says Juan Pablo, perfectly echoing what we all felt inside.

We’re all just recovering from the case of the weirds we got from Amy when CH strolls in like a boss with a single rose. This opens the flood gates on a level of crazy champagne could never conjure. All of a sudden girls are fretting over “their time with Juan Pablo” and starting to lose their grip on keeping crazy under control.

It becomes especially tough for old Lauren to control and within seconds she is crying. Yes, you read that correctly, this girl is crying. So while Science Nerd Chelsea watches JP dominate the photo booth, Lauren is losing all control of her emotions and rational thought.

It makes for wonderful television.

Oh and in between all of this, Andi confirms that she’s a total babe with a cool girl personality, a badass job and pretty hair. Just give her the first impression rose already Juany P. (On a personal note, Andi receives my at-home first impression rose. This means little to nothing and plays no part in the progression of the show. I just thought I would share since we’re friends and all.)

So Blakely, I mean Lauren is still freaking out (in the mean time, JP has talked to at least three other girls) and ABC is just letting it fly. Drew walks up from the basement and wonders why I am sitting wide-eyed, staring blankly at the screen. It takes him a full 30 seconds to knock me out of the SE shame spiral I am stuck in.  My skin is crawling but I’m happy that we’re bringing crazy back. It’s a double edge sword.

I mean the girl says “This is breaking me.” Um, I think there had to be some serious underlying issues if 2 hours without attention from a GUY YOU DON’T KNOW is breaking you. No but really, where do they find these people?

When Lauren finally gets her five minutes with Juan Pablo, she lets her crazy go totally uncontrolled and word vomits all over him. It’s just chunks of “bad breakup,” “I got a call at work that it was over” and “we were planning to get married” all over Juan Pablo. He promptly stands up disgusted, wipes the word vomit off of him and makes a mental note to forget her forever right then and there. Good move bro.

No but really, I threw my hands over my face uncontrollably at one point, unable to physically deal with how embarrassing she was being. I think we should all buy that old BF a beer, clearly he was dealing with a whole lot of crazy.

Last but not least is ole Sharleen. Okay but really, why is she so serious? I know she said she’s an opera singer but are we sure she’s not in the military. She says “sir” WAY too much to not have some sort of military background. She’s stiff as a board and it’s giving me a case of the sads hearing her talk. But Juan P is loving it and all of a sudden goes from cool guy to needy guy. Wait, who is this and where did my Juan Pablo go?

He’s loving her “elegant” vibe so much that he hops up to snag her the first impressions rose and every one is all, “what the what?” Even Sharleen is totally confused and for some reason acts like she’s just not that into Juan Pablo. Um, what is wrong with you. You accept that rose gladly and stop calling him “sir” you big weirdo. He’s not your daddy or your Sargent or your conductor.

She finally accepts with a “thank you sir” in her best Old Greg impression (have you all seen that BBC video? It’s weird as hell but super funny).

All of the other girls (me included) are confused and kinda hate her but no time for all that, it’s rose ceremony time!

Love that CH has to explain how to accept the rose. Honestly gals if you don’t know how this part works, you have way bigger problems than being a reality tv show to find a husband.

It’s been great meeting you but some of you – como se dice loca? – girls are going to need to leave now.

Rose Time:
Sharleen is safe.

Wait that one girl STILL has her dog with her?

* Clare – Me? Yes you, you crazy faux preggo.

* Nikki the Nurse – love her.

Panic already setting in for Lucy.

* Renee – hot mama.

* Andi – the one to beat.

* Alli

* Chantel

* Lauren S. – Piano {Wo}man

* Kelly and her dog – REALLY? Dog lover is not a job. I just need to reiterate that.

* Cassandra – You can stop freaking out now.

* Danielle – Get it namesake.

* Chelsea – Love that little nerd.

* Kat – Oh no, did you see that? The mouth-y red-head just jumped out. “Oh I thought you said Kelsey… can you just take both of us.” Um no, he can’t. Now get back in line and prepare to go home. WOOF. That was really bad. I wasn’t ready for that level of secondary embarrassment so early.

* Victoria

* Christy

* Lucy – Stop f-ing acting like a five-year old. I’m tried of you already.

* Elise – You didn’t win a pageant, stop acting like you’re constantly in one.

Final Rose. Please no, don’t let it be the massage girl. Anyone but the massage girl.

* Amy L. aka Jessica Rabbit

So it’s the end of the road for the crazy massage therapist, over eager Kelsey and that cutie Christine. Oh and some other girls I don’t remember.

It may have only seemed like two hours to you but for these girls that cocktail party was an entire journey with hopes, dreams, aspirations and a lifetime of happiness all wrapped up in it. so when the “journey” is over, the waterworks begin. Yes, you read that right. Handsy Amy totally breaks down and lets this gem out, “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man.” Yes, her heart capacity is ready now. Just let that soak in.

But don’t let it linger too long because we’ve got some previews to enjoy. Epic, heart-wrenching, dramatic previews. Get ready for a season full of bungee jumping, fireworks, canoodling, soccer, latin dancing, long hair, sad faces and a little bit (haha, who are we kidding – a whole lot) of crying.

Right now my favorites (and by favorites, I mean my top five picks to make it to the end): Andi, Clare, Nikki, Sharleen and the Chemistry teacher.

Oh and my prediction for most hated bia since Chantel (from Brad’s season): Lucy.

What did you all think? Favorites? Winners? Losers? What did you think of CH’s suit (woofy)? Let’s discuss.

Until next week… stay tuned!

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Making the Ordinary Extraordinary. Hometown Dates on The Bachelorette. Season 7 Episode 8 Recap

Hey friends. Can you believe we FINALLY made it to hometowns? I can see the end in sight and I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta keep your head in the game and look ahead to Bachelor Pad (they’re showing the promos – it’s gotta be soon).

To get us started, I’ve decided that I will no longer recap montages/previews but I will say I am excited to see an old man make it rain.

So we  meet up with our girl Ash at her condo in Philly (I saw a lot of people giving Ash a hard time for saying Philly is her hometown but not going there last season. Simmer down peeps, I am no ASh fan but she lives in Philly and she grew up/her fam lives in that little town in Mainada that serves that weird/delicious poutin thing.) Ashley’s going through her mail (c’mon ABC ole girl is annoying but I know she had WAY more mail than that after being in Asia for like a month. I go out-of-town for a weekend and it’s like the post office bombed my mailbox.) playing with her pup all while being dressed like she’s going to a wedding rehearsal dinner.

While this is going on Ashley gives us the deets on why she likes these four dudes.

Ben: Superficially Ashley loves him. She likes his hair, his eyes, his body but yet never mentions his personality (or lack thereof) or how he feels about her. This one’s got true love written all over it.

Constantine: She likes him for all same reasons as Ben since they are essentially the same person.

Ames: He’s unique and nerdy. Oh and also humble about how much better he is than everyone. Basically, he snuck into the final four and she has no idea how he’s been here this long.

JP: Well, duh. She likes him cause he’s a smoking hottie with more of a personality than a wet blanket which is all the other guys are working with.

Ashley is now ready to get her hometowns on. So she steps outside and hails a cab. Wait, what? Clearly the producers hate her as much as we all do since they couldn’t even send a car service for her. And we’re off….

….to Cumming, GA. Yup, that’s what it’s really called. 

Constantine’s hometown name is the first of many sexual innuendos that get thrown around this episode. So get used it to.

These two love birds meet how all young lovers on this show do for hometowns with the required Running! Picking Up! Spinning! Hugging! sequence but this one has a new addition, SKIPPING! YAY!

And next these two go on the required hometown picnic date. While Consty and Ash catch up, I notice he’s still sporting a Asian bead bracelet from his trip. Since I’m paying more attention to his souvenir sporting, I definitely didn’t catch anything they were talking about. I’m guessing it was something like:

Ash: Oh my gawwd, I missed you.
Consty: Me too.
Ash: Can you believe it’s been so long?
Consty: Um, it was like a week ago.
Ash: Thank you for picking me up and twirling me. I am so surprised you can lift me.
Consty: (Confused look, different from normal sleepy confused look) You’re Welcome?

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.... (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

So this ends and it’s off to Consty’s family restaurant which surprise! is not Greek but Italian.  We get little to no explanation on this conundrum so it’s on to making a pizza of love. Ashley is super excited about all of this pizza making (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and attempts to bake Consty into her slice of love. “Put whatever you like in it” (That’s what she said.) Consty says and then Ashley feebly tries to put him in the pie. Guessing she got this idea from Shawntel’s epic hometown date last season. (What are crematorium jokes not funny?)

After a slew of food jokes (“I’m so cheesy!”) these two get down to business. Or as you may know it better, eating a meal.  They blabber on about falling in love while the girl employees gawk like teeny boppers from a near-by window. They provide great commentary like “AwWWW!” “She’s so pretty.” “They’re so cute.” and my personal favorite “OOOOOOOO! They’re kissing.”

After picking the pizza out of each others teeth with their tongues, these two head on over to Consty’s house to meet the fam. And can we all agree, Demetri, Elleni and Maria KILLED IT. They set a high standard for the rest of the hometown dates and no family could compare to their Big Fat Greek Bachelorette Dinner Episode.

No Ashley, I cannot be a pizza topping. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

I loved all of this hometown especially when Elleni got awkward and quizzed Ashley hard about whether she would be open to relocating. Basically, the little Greek mama bear was gonna put the kibosh on anyone trying to take her Consty our of Cumming (please ignore how gross that sounded).

I’m hoping Consty is the next Bachelor just because I want Demetri to get some more TV face time. His accent makes even Ashley seem fun and interesting. After a series of H-to-H’s, the rest of the Consty clan (of course his niece is named Athena. I love it.) storm through the doors with casseroles, drinks and apparently A LOT of twenty-dollar bills. Um, how come whenever I go to a family party there isn’t some fun uncle making it rain with $20 bills? I am sure I would go to a lot more family events if this happened on the regular.

Make it Rain.

This date is by far one of the best of the season (see, i can use hyperbole too!). OPA!!! to the clan Consty for turning this drabness around. Since Ash is a debbie downer though, she makes us leave before they start getting really wild and smashing plates.

We leave with Ashley and Consty swapping spit while Demetri and Elleni watch creepily from the door. End Scene.

Next Stop: Chadd’s Ford, PA. Oh Muffy! It’s time for Ames’ hometown. 

Before the required Run!Hug!Lift!Spin! sequence Ames let’s us know he’s really excited. I’m going to take his word for it since he face shows no sign of emotion or recognition.

They meet up and Ames let’s Ashely know this place “Is like home to me.” Um, yeah Ames because it IS your home.

So we pull up and Serena Van Der Ames sinks her sister claws into Ashley the minute her stripper heels hit the patio. We relive the Muay Thai boxing fiasco and Ames’ other adventures in love before we break down into one-on-ones.

Serena drags Ashley by her hair over to sit besides their in-door pool where she breaks it down. “Hurt my brother and I’ll hurt you.” Okay, so it didn’t exactly go down like that but more or less Serena is OBSESSED with her baby bro and will cause bodily harm to anyone who breaks his little Ken doll heart. And I believe her, she seems a lot bigger and a lot meaner than Ashley.

After hooking Ashley up to the lie-detector and running a brain scan analysis on her answers, Serena knows that Ashley is full of it and has no love for our boy Ames. So what does she do? She takes a page from her Gossip Girl younger self and runs over to blab to Ames, telling him how she’s not that into him and he needs to step up his game. They share some weird sexual innuendo and I am officially creeped out. I was almost officially creeped out with Ames’ awkward hand gestures but this is what really pushed me over the top.

Since Serena van der Ames stole all the spotlight on this date we hardly get to see any of Ash’s sit down with Mama Ames or Ames mama’s boy chat. We do learn about Ames losing both his dad and his step-dad and I am genuinely touched for a moment. Then I notice that Ashley is not paying any attention to what Jane Ames is saying. I’m guessing she stops paying attention when they stop talking about her. Can’t blame her, I tend to do that too. (Just kidding. Or am I?)

The awkward Ames family says their goodbyes and they duo are whisked off to a magical magnolia filled park. Ames thinks magnolia’s are the most romantic thing ever (um, haven’t we already been to all the most romantic places ever? I think we need to establish some sort of ranking for this kind of thing) which my grandma would wholeheartedly agree with.

Cheers! Wanna Party? (ABC/Ken White)

Ames let’s Ashley know that he used to go to boarding school (duh!) where he was a big nerd (shocker!) and that he didn’t have a ton of friends (really?!). Ashley pretends to act sympathetic but has no idea what to say here. The odd moment is broken up when Ames goes into his diatribe on making the “ordinary extraordinary.” According to Ames there is “magic in the ordinary.” Um, your ordinary must be a lot cooler than mine Ames cause I’m pretty sure commuting to work, working, going to the grocery store and cleaning my house aren’t filled with a lot of magic. They are filled with a lot of alcohol though, maybe that could help make everything more magical.

Ames suggests they make some ordinary magic so they kiss (after staring at each other for WAY too long) and ride off into the forest in a carriage driven by some George Washington look alikes.

Sonoma Valley, CA. Bottoms Up!  

We’re halfway through the hometown marathon and now we’re heading out west to Sonoma Valley or what 40-year-old women refer to as Heaven. I admit I’m a little excited about this one. Ben has seemed to have some personality this season and I am assuming there will be a lot of boozing in Sonoma so it should be a good time.

If you were thinking anything like me, you had to have been sorely disappointed. I am going to say this may have been the most boring hometown date I’ve ever seen. I spent the last few minutes of it online shopping for baby gear because that seemed more interesting than what I was watching (it was pretty boring too which shows how awful this date was).

Ben opens the date by saying “This is my hometown. This is where I grew up. And Ashley is here. And I’m very excited about it.” all with the enthusiasm of a wet sock.  He tries to look mildly interested for the running! jumping! twirling! meet-up but even that is half-assed.

Will this make you stop crying? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

Since there isn’t a shred of originality on this show, they go for a picnic. (Isn’t Ashley just a LITTLE tired of picnics at this point? Did these guys really do that much picnicking growing up?) The entire Ben and Ashley alone time is spent with Ashley trying to paw Ben’s clothes off while he stares awkwardly ahead, speaking exclusively  in monotone, looking like a deer in headlights. What happened to the Scooby-Doo loving stoner that we’d grown to know and not hate?

Ben tells Ashley he’s only brought one girl home before which is why, i’m guessing, he’s acting so weird. Ashley kind of freaks out and all the while I’m wishing we could go back to Cumming (Georgia that is) and hang with Consty and his fam.

Ashley and Ben taking a hair brushing break and then head over to his house to meet his mom and sister. They also speak exclusively in monotone and shockingly are way more uptight that Ames’ family. Ben’s sister manages to grill Ashley through the entire dinner before taking a break to lay down the law for her brother.

Was anyone else a little overwhelmed with these intense brother/sister relationships? Yikes. Anyway, at this point, the monotone convos were making my brain numb so I stopped paying attention.

When I looked back up Ben was crying and we finally got to leave. (For all the more sensitive viewers, I know his Dad passed away and that’s very sad but wow – that date was ROUGH!)

I thought this moment would never come…. Rosslyn, NY – Hot Skating with JP.

If I wasn’t excited enough about the date with JP, I was over the moon after that monotone date from Sonoma. JP, his hotness and his voice inflection were on hand to spin Ashley who could barely keep her hands off our hottie hipster.

Ashley doesn’t care where JP takes her as long as they’re together. For once, I am 100% behind Ashley. But JP being cute, hot and original takes Ashley on a tour of his childhood with a date to the roller rink aptly named Hot Skates.

JP and Ashley lace up and then hit the floor for couples skate. Ashley “feels like [she’s] back in 7th grade.” Except it’s better because there definitely weren’t hottie like this in Mainada.

Everything is going well until the music starts. Wait, hold up. Really? That song. I know Ashley can’t fight that feeling but that wasn’t even the original version. I got a serious case of SE but then I realized I was watching JP and it passed. After tongue kissing in the strobe lights, JP takes Ash back to meet his fam.

Hot Skates (ABC/Lou Rocco)

ps. I do need to mention the fact that Ashley asked JP how he could be single for so long which was code for “What’s wrong with you? There’s got to be something I don’t know about since you are otherwise smoking hot and really charming.”

So back at the family pad, we meet JP’s mom who belongs on the SNL skit Coffee Tawk. I love her though. We also meet JP less genetically blessed brother Roy. They also say some white-haired dude is his Dad but he is never allowed to talk so I’m not sure.

Ilene gets real and asks JP if he is in love (since she knows Ashley is in love with him, obvi). He skates (you like how I used skating again huh) around the question but I’m pretty sure he digs her.

Kirk + Zack = Perfect Early 90's Love.

This date is pretty standard family fun and then Ilene goes big – she break out his Bar MIitzah. Ah MAZ ING. Not a boy, not yet a man JP was a perfect mix of Kirk Cameron and Zack Morris. Love it. What a cutie. He definitely didn’t have the same issues as Ames in high school. This is a special message for Ilene: Thank you for bringing out that picture. We all owe you and Consty’s family for bringing your A-game to hometowns.

At the end of this date, if you weren’t convinced JP wins (yeah I consider this a game) then you should know now.

Rose Ceremony

Phew. We made it. I’m going to skip over Ashley’s babbling to Chris Harrison and get down to business.

After pulling down her long black sweater and gazing longingly at the frames, Ashley knows who’s got to go.

Roses go to:

  • Ben
  • JP

Ames looks unique with his tan suit and hand-in-the-pocket style which Drew refers to as “keeping it Ivy league.” I’m not quite sure what my husband knows about Ivy League style since we both went to the University of Kentucky, but we’ll go with it.

Consty looks confused/confident. Just the way I like him.

  • Consty for the win.

Poor Ames doesn’t know what to do so he awkwardly says bye to the dudes and wanders out with Ashley. Sitting like Forest Gump, he gives Ashley his good-bye speech before giving her a HAND SHAKE. How uncomfortable was that?  Oh Ames, bless your heart.

Before he leaves, Ames gives us one final piece of poetry, “I thought I would be sharing a life time of adventures with this woman but instead I have a lifetime of adventures by myself  – which is less enticing.”

Oh Ames, I’m sure there is a frozen faced girl out there looking for adventures with you. Maybe you can find her on the next season of The Bachelor (no, nevermind, I take that back).

So there it is. What did you all think of hometowns? What do you think about the previews for Bali?

I’ll be back on track with Love in the Wild this week.

Until then… stay tuned.

Wait, when did this happen? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

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