Tag Archives: reality television

Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

http://www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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Filed under The Bachelor

“To me this is the happies place on Earth.” Dolly > Walt. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 3 Recap

Last night’s Bachelorette viewing experience was an epic failure. First off, our DVR didn’t record the episode so I had to start 45 minutes in. Second, the notes I typed up for the remaining portion of the show didn’t save and were lost so I’m going from memory here folks. But I’m trying to catch up on the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. Apologies in advance.

The episode begins with breakfast in bed for Emily. Must be nice. After discussing the perils of reality TV show dating while having a kid with her mama, we’re back at the mansion with our dear friend CH.

But Mama, it’s just so hard looking pretty, drinking cocktails and dating 16 men.

Congrats, only 16 of you left. Only 15 more total elimination challenges until you get true love.

First up…

Chris “Love is a Steady Climb.”

The date kicks off at night with some talk about the weather. But all that small talk comes to a close when Emily lets Chris know that they will be getting dinner together but the route to the meal is up the side of the building. Well, finally. I’ve been waiting for some sort of date that involves a harness.

Chris says love is definitely like climbing a building and I wonder out loud if the producers tell them to say this shit or if it’s their Stockholm syndrome peaking through.

Up they go on the always romantic building climb in the middle of a thunder-storm. Nothing like good ole Mother Nature to spoil the romance.

p.s. – Was the production team sending out alerts to the people of Charlotte to come and gawk at all these dates? Do people in NC really care about Emily that much? Is the lure of a television crew just too much to handle? Seriously, why are all these people just watching them slowly ascend a building?

High Five! Cause there’s no way in hell i’m kissing that evil grin. (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Since Emily clearly needs lots of reassuring, one “I love you Emily” shout from the crowd is all she needs to get over the hump and up to the top. Multiple high fives later, one awkward hug and a glass of champagne later and Chris still hasn’t kissed Emily. What are you waiting for bud? An invitation? (Please lord don’t ask her if you can kiss her. That is by far the worst.)

Wait wasn’t there a storm coming in? Why are they eating outside? Sorry so many questions, so few answers.

Emily tells Chris that he’s just too cute for her – um no. Emily – stop saying that. None of these guys are too cute for you.

Chris has this weird, small smile that is super awkward. He does this thing where he puts his head down and does that mouth closed smile and I want to shield my eyes.

Back at the mansion, Tony is using his Kermit voice to baby talk with his son – get mentally prepared folks cause this is the first of WAY too much baby talk.

Date card time, who’s on deck for this sausage fest.

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Back on the date, Chris is forced to use his odd closed mouth smile and the phrase “I’m a man” to prove he’s ready at 25 to be a Dad. I used to like Chris but that odd smile totally weirds me out. I just can’t deal.

THIS is what I’m talking about.

Despite the wonky smile, Emily totally falls for him and he snags the rose. And what better way to close a date but a personal, street performance. As they dance in the street to the musical stylings of Luke Bryan, Chris commits my number one cardinal sin – asking for the kiss. This totally goes against his previous statement, “I’m a man.” He sneaks in the first kiss before giving a bro-out to Luke Bryan for performing a totally rad concert for him, his creepy grin and Emily.

Back in Charlotte, birds are singing, Emily is wearing jean shorts and the dudes are ready to kick it in the park. That can only mean one thing. It’s Group Date time!

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Do you all know how mad my spell check gets about Jef with one F. Seriously, I can feel it judging me every time I type it. Moving on.

Ryan, who just gets douchier by the moment asserts his “connection” with Emily. I used to like him but every time he appears on camera I hate him a little more. As I’m contemplating my disdain for Ryan, Emily just dips out. She’s like, “you all are the worst and I’d rather pluck out my eye lashes than be around you one more moment” so instead she decides to go kick it with her mommy-pals.

It’s time to get the mom-squad involved in this show. First off, it must be addressed that these gals are at least 10 years older than Emily. Second, I think they all have vodka in their thermos (get it girls!). Put these two elements together and I think we’re finally gonna get a little personality on this show. Bring. It. On

These ladies are hype. I love it. “These women are my best friends and they’re a tough critic.” Loves it.

It’s time for the gal pals to interview the brahs. I can’t remember which guy said it but he nailed it with, “this is going to be a train wreck.”

Hey Ladies – Don’t be strangers!

The young brunettes tag team a few of the guys and ask about being a dad. BORING. Where is that sassy Indian chick and the boozy blond?

Ah here they are. Ready to grill egg guy and Shelly (who knew the egg had a name). “Did you fertilize it yourself?” Best line ever.

Of course, Stevie showcases his dance MC moves and Ryan does push ups. Could these guys be bigger stereotypes?

Sean is on the scene (sorry I’ve been spelling his name wrong all season) and comes strong with the faith and kids card. Well played.

Okay, hold the front door. Can we get Wendy (boozy blond) to make weekly appearances on the show. She’s definitely had the best lines of the season and has 1.7 million times more personality than Emily. I’d like to see her join Em and CH in those fireside chats. I think Wendy wants to take Sean home with her. Watch out Emily, Wendy may try to steal this “genetic specimen.”

Love how she’s just sipping on her vodka water and making Sean take his shirt off and do push ups.

But enough of that, Emily wants the guys to put their “money where their mouth is” by proving they really like kids so some poor group of kids is forced to kick it with the dudes for an afternoon.

Side note: Alright, we get it. Emily needs to find a dad for Ricky Tick but enough with all this kid stuff. They aren’t competing to teach daycare.

In the mean time, Ryan the attention whore stops by the sip ‘tinis with the ladies. But since he obviously is the most vain (have you seen that hair/tan) and ridiculous human on the show, tells Emily that she best not get fat or he won’t be “loving on her as much.” To add insult to injury, he says it right in front of her friends. C’mon buddy. I know he’s cute and all, but can we please be rid of him?

The gals decide that Sean and Doug are their faves. Agreed Wendy, brunettes and sweet sassy Indian.

It’s dinner time aka crying time for Tony.

One thing Emily doesn’t disappoint with is her style. That skirt she sports to the dinner group date is freaking cute. Can’t wait to see how much that puppy cost on Possessionista.

Emily tells the guys that she loved that they got to meet her friends and that she got to evaluate their ability to kick it with kids.

Doug is up first and gushes on how much this parents love each other. (Sean, next time please apply so SPF 30 to that forehead.) Doug comes in strong by complimenting the pals but then gets all serious and gives us the “Doug life story.” Daddy Doug had a pretty rough time growing up. And I must agree with Emily when she says he seems like “an awesome human being.” Team Doug! (Wish he had a different name cause Doug just reminds me of the cartoon.)

Clearly a day at the park with a gang of kiddos was just too much for this emotional Daddy-O. It appears that Tony-T is missing his little man, big time. I am totally cool with the loving parent things but when he picks up the phone to call his little dude, his voice goes straight Kermy. Dude, your kid is 5 not 2. I’m sure he understands your normal voice.

But before Tony can have a full-fledged meltdown, we find out Arie will be getting the other date with Emily.

(p.s. – How funny was it when Kalon asked Arie if he can drive stick shift. Uh buddy, he’s a race card driver, a professional car driver, I’m pretty sure he can drive a stick shift.)

Not a rainbow connection.

Emily and Tony sit down so he can talk more about his kid and fight back tears. Next up is a papa bear heart to heart with Doug where Tony basically loses it. I’m pretty sure Taylor (Tony’s kid) can make a few more weeks without Dad and his large collection of snap-up apparel (seriously, does he not know how to use buttons?).”Do you know I miss you SO much! Do you know I love yooooou? Do you miss me toooo?” Come on guy, get it together. Your kid is gonna be fine. “No I’m joker and you’re Batman.” Oh lord. Please get this guy out of her. This conversation is sending me into a secondary embarrassment frenzy. “Where is Dad, where did he go?” Um, Tony, I didn’t hear Taylor say that once. Little man sounded a-okay to me.

Unfortunately for Taylor, Emily notices that Tony is just not man enough to make it another moment without his son so she comes over to send him home. His 8-week slumber party and candy fest at grandma’s house is going to end early. To Emily’s credit, she weaves a nice story about how she’s doing him a favor and before Tony knows what’s hit him, he’s being placed in a cab.

Sayonara Tony and your Kermit voice.

But now it’s back to the party, where Emily gives the rose to Sean.

Enough with this non-sense though, we’ve got a date with Arie coming up.

Arie. Good Ole Rocky Top. (Sorry I forgot what the date card said.)

Arie and Emily hop in a private jet and head to… er, Pigeon Forge. No offense to Pigeon Forge (been there, love it) but you know Arie is wondering what they’re doing there.

You’re going to DOLLYWOOD! Which in case you didn’t know, is to Emily the “happiest place on earth.” All Arie cares about is that she’s wearing jean shorts (girl must own like 19 pairs).

They enjoy all the sites and sounds of Dollywood – games, lemonade, roller coasters and dancing to the sweet sounds of the fiddle being played by overall clad, moustached men. Take that Walt Disney.

You’re not in Pheonix anymore.

But there’s only so much fun you can have before you need a nice air-conditioned break, so these two head into the empty stage where Dolly sometimes performs.

Side note: Alright, if Emily honestly thought she was going to take a trip to Dollywood as part of a nationally televised show and NOT meet Dolly Parton, she is cray. We’re only three episodes in and she’s already been to two performances, you think they didn’t make a call to sweet sweet Dolly? B**ch please.

They find a pair of microphones and a piece of paper urging them to write a love song. All the while I pray out loud that we won’t have to hear either of them sing the monstrosities they’re sure to write.

And just like that, my prayers are answered… HELLO DOLLY!

Dolly is on the scene and Emily has a full-fledge panic attack. Dolly is there in all her rhinestone glory ready to give the now standard awkward personal performance. Arie and Emily dances and he tries to keep hold of her so she doesn’t attack Dolly and plant a big open-mouth smooch on her face.

“She’s such a cool lady… she wears fabulous costumes every day.” Watch out dudes, it appears Emily aspires to be just like Dolly one day (this could be a good or bad thing, depends on who you ask. To me… Good thing. At least she’s be making something of herself). Dolly & Emily sit down for a quick chat where Dolly tells Emily “she knows her story.”

“It’s crazy to me that Dolly Parton even knows I exist on this planet.” Well, how could she not. I’m sure she has a television and you’re pretty much on it ALL THE TIME.

One more quick serenade from Dolly (a song she wrote for her husband of 46 years – get it Dolly!) and we can tell Emily is a smitten kitten. Even Dolly knows it.

At dinner, these two dine alfresco and Emily grills him on life, love and whether he wants to be Ricky’s daddy.

Clearly, Arie is one of the front-runners and I couldn’t be happier. But rather than gush on him, she continues to gush on Dolly. Um hello, you have a hottie race car driver to dine with – get on it!

Emily gets straight to business – “you dated a girl with two kids, I need to hear more about that.” He gives us the full breakdown about his daddy day care duties which is the ultimate panty dropper for Em.

Dolly, will you accept this rose. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

p.s. – has anyone else noticed how much Emily pulls that one strand of hair out of her face? It’s like a constant battle since she never actually puts it behind her ear.

Blahblahblah, being a good mommy, kids, family and then it’s rose time. Emily tries to pull a fast one on Arie but SUPRESA, it’s just a joke. You get a Rose. Duh.

You’d think he’d get an open mouth kiss right then and there but it’s jut a kiss on the cheek. She’s saving the good stuff for the romantic carousel ride. Instead of saddling up, they grab a bench an open mouth kiss their way in circle to the sweet sounds  of Dolly Parton.

Exhibit A: Visual Proof of the Hair Twitch. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

Earn Your Rose Time.

Another week, another bathroom heart to heart with little Ricky while mommy zips up her latest sparkly black tie dress. This time it’s a gold sparkly number lacking a little in the support category. Oh Emily, you were just with Dolly. Didn’t she give you any pointers on how to properly support the girls?

The guys are mentally preparing and by mentally preparing I mean staring into the fire pit drinking away their anxiety. Some highlights from the cocktail party:

  • Kalon, el doucho supremo, is sporting the science glasses Aaron left behind (doesn’t he know those are a bad luck). In a cheer-worthy foot-in-mouth one two combo, he accost Emily for not giving him a date and then follows it up with this gem, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” I wish she would just escort him out now (or at least after he said these words outloud, “It’s not how I wrote it in my journal as a kid.” Well that makes sense that he used to be a 12-year-old girl). His little faux-pas clearly turns Emily off – “I like tall, skinny and funny but I don’t like tall, skinny and condescending.” Truth.
  • Egg Guy & Shelly (aka Travis). It’s finally time to say adios to Shelly so they take her out on the porch and smash her. I will say that during this exchange it seems like Emily finally shows a little bit of personality and sense of humor. Can we get more like this and less talk about kids? Gotta say my favorite part of the episode was when the dudes came out to “mourn” Shelly and then toasted to her. Cheers to the producers for including that!
  • Alessandro gets the boot. Emily sits down with him cause she “has a lot of questions.” Most importantly, where do you get that spray tan and can I recommend someone instead? No but really, Alessandro and Emily talk babes (of course – blech) and he drops the “i’m a gypsy” line before saying that Ricky would be a “compromise.” Basically, Alessandro is willing to “compromise” his life by putting aside his busy gypsy lifestyle for their fam.  This exchange is probably one of the worst so far. I want to jump behind my couch as he digs himself deeper and deeper into his grave. And just like that, he’s gone. We find out later that he is willing to compromise on dating his cousin and sleeping with girls on the first night. Looks like Emily made a good choice in ditching this one.
  • Arie steals some kisses. After giving Ale the boot, Em just needs a little loving (and obviously, reassurance that her kiddo isn’t a “compromise.” Oh and that she looks really really pretty right now) so she heads straight to Arie’s arms for a little side smooching. Yes!
  • Sean graciously flatters Emily since that’s all she really needs in life. Well that and someone to keep her living the life she’s become accustomed to.

The rest of the party is pretty uneventful (other than the bros getting all hot and bothered about Emily smooching Arie – I’m looking at you meat heads Charlie & Ryan). Also side note, was Emily wearing boots under that gold lame dress? I swear I saw something ankle length.

Time’s Up. Let’s get our Rose on.

Chris, Sean and Arie already have roses. One guy gotsta go.Who’s it gonna be. I’m hoping it’s Kalon but I know it’s going to be Stevie.

  • Jef
  • Charlie (she definitely says his name the most country)
  • Doug
  • Micheal (where’s he been all episode?)
  • Travis sans Shelly
  • Alejandro
  • Ryan
  • John
  • Kalon – booooooo!

And evil takes a human form in… Kalon.

And the final rose goes to…

  • Nate (who is this guy?)

More MC Stevie. The music’s over for our favorite Jersey boy. He leaves without embarrassing himself anymore than doing the worm in the park.

Next week, we’re finally leaving Ricky behind and heading to Bermuda where it looks like Ryan shows his true color and we get my favorite kind of date… a competition!

What did you think of Emily & Dolly’s first date? How do you feel about Ryan? Are you with me on Team Arie?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Bachelor Pad 2 Episode 5 Recap: What’s Love Got to do With It?

What better way to cap off a long holiday weekend than with an episode of Bachelor Pad? I can think of so many better things but alas, those things did not happen. Bachelor Pad did. So let’s get to it.

We pick up right where we left off, at the rose ceremony. Blake comments that “Tonight’s rose ceremony was insane” and not just because Melissa was there. Well, actually just because Melissa was there. Now that she’s gone we can all look forward to a nice, peaceful, drama and crazy-free season right? Ah, if only we were so lucky.

Yay for us being so freaking cute. (Image: ABC/RICK ROWELL)

The gang heads inside where they are SURPRISE! re-greeted by Chris Harrison. CH who is more evil than ever this season, has a twist for the sad-sack of remaining contestants. No early bed times for you, CH says. It’s time to partner up for good. Whichever muppet of the opposite sex that you choose, will be your muppet from here on out. So no more fighting Kermy & Piggy. Also, you better “get to know” your partner and we don’t mean in the biblical sense.

Like the last kids picked on the playground, Blake & Melissa fumble about awkwardly before realizing no one wants to play with them. So Lips & Teeth are stuck together. I think they could make a mediocre team, you know cause Erica’s so smart and all. (She says she’s “smarter, prettier and a lot less annoying than Holly” but I can only agree on the smarter part and even then, that’s a stretch.)

The pairs (Kirk & Ella, Holly & Michael, Vienna & Kasey, Graham & Michelle, Lips & Teeth) all break and head off to private corners were they can learn important details about each other’s lives, like where they’re from, what they wanted to be when they grew up, where they went to college like how old they were when they gave their first BJ, how many people they’ve had sex with and what animal they would be.

If this isn’t the way to true love, I don’t know what it.

In between virginity stories, Blake slips in (ha, no pun intended) that he would be a flying squirrel if he could be any animal. In an effort to feel loved and accepted, this prompts Erica to answer that she would be a talking moose.

"Hey Rocky! Watch this!" Image: Classic Media

While the others mull over the details of their lives, Kasey and Vienna head to bed. Vienna is confident that they already know everything about each other since they are in a “real relationship” (cue hysterical laughter) and so they have this in the proverbial bag.

The Nearly-Wed Game. 

After a night full of fireside heart to heart chats, the gang wakes from their slumber to head out for the challenge. It’s the “Nearly-Wed Game!” And since this show is all about making yourself the center of attention, Micheal pipes up and says this game is a metaphor for his life. Which actually could be true since it’s a 50’s style game show and Michael is dressed like a cross between my grandpa and a hipster. Nice cardigan Mr. Rodgers.

P.S. – Is anyone else getting tired of Micheal’s perpetual sad-face? Cheer up, you’re getting paid to go on an extended vacation, drink heavily and compete for money. It could be a lot worse. (Well….) 

In other odd outfit combos, Michelle has thrown together her outfit from whatever was on the floor. Thankfully, we only have one full-body shot where we are forced to look at her in those dumpy red pants and yellow pumps. Michelle! You’re better than that.

Love is a Battlefield. (ABC/RICK ROWELL)

Just when I’ve gotten a little mad at her, she pops in to give us a spot on game explanation.  Why Thank You Ms. Money.

So basically, you know the drill. They have to guess what their partner will say. If they’re right, they get a point. If they’re wrong, they get a lashing (if only). The winners get roses and a date, second place gets a date. Game on.

Rather than go through it question by question, here are some of the things we learn about our favorite BP’ers:

  • Vienna requires 22 dates before she’ll give it up. YEAH RIGHT. C’mon Vienna. You’re not fooling anyone. Especially not Kasey, who guesses three.
  • Good thing Rocky & Bullwinkle talked it out, Erica nails the ‘what animal would you be?’ question with “flying” colors.
  • Kasey, on the other hand, would be a rabbit. UGHHHH. 
  • In what has to be one of the best answers of all time, Kasey says that Vienna’s exes miss her “teeth” the most. What does that even mean? Oh Kasey, not only are you repulsive, you are a repulsive idiot.
  • Least Shocking Moment in the History of the Bachelor Pad: Everyone hates Blake.
  • Michael is BITTER. Like seriously, seriously, bitter.
  • Graham lost his virginity at 7. Wait what? Oh you crazy kids and your scheming. Love, love, love that Michelle and Graham (mostly Graham) came up with a plan to scam BP. Nice work you two. (If you didn’t watch, basically if the question was a number they always answered 7, if it was about a guy in the house they always answered Michael and so on.)
  • Holly is annoying. Oh wait, we already knew that.
So anyways, there were three important take-aways in this game.
  • The whole Blake/Holly/Michael love triangle is ANNOYING.
  • Vienna and Kasey are idiots.
  • Graham and Michelle are awesome.

The seafood joke isn't funny anymore Stag. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

In the end, Graham and Michelle beat out Blake and Erica for the win. Surprisingly, Blake & Erika were awesome at remembering each other’s sexual pasts. If not for the incredible attractive and sneaky super couple, they would have won. Alas, they do not and we are forced to listen to them scheme the rest of the episode. The real losers though, appear to be Michael and Holly – watching his desperation and her attempts to sweetly push him away are becoming more painful by the minute.

On that note, the group heads back into the brothel mansion. Let the awkwardness begin!

My ears begin bleeding as I’m forced to listen to Holly squeal with delight in between snuggles with Blake. Woof.

Thankfully a date card arrives and Michelle, in one of her collection of graphic t’s, grabs it to read it to the gaggle of jealous onlookers. This unleashes the monster lying within Vienna as she threatens to eat Kasey if he doesn’t step it up in the challenges.

Look it’s a helicopter! 

Graham and Michelle throw on their date clothes and it’s date time. The group pretends to be excited as they hear an approaching helicopter. I think ABC has forgotten that we’ve seen all of these fools ride in helicopters at least once in their Bachelor(ette) careers. It is the second most common form of transportation on this show, right behind expensive foreign sports car and just ahead of private jet.

They leave the crew of filthy pajama wearers in the dust as they head out into the California sky. The helicopter lands on the same hotel roof-top where all Bachelor(ette) dates go down. They seriously must be running a shuttle between the pad and this place.

They head down to the pool and settle in for a pool-side movie night. Um, hasn’t Michelle been on this EXACT date before just with like 6 other girls. Remember during Brad’s season when they shot that cheesy music video and then watched in in their bathing suits? Yeah, this is the exact same thing except with less girls and a guy who wears less plaid (and says “Um” a whole lot less).

Back at the pad: Kirk and Ella are precious. Oh yeah and Kasey and Vienna get into a really gross fight about doing it in front of everyone (oh wait, that came out weird. The fight was in front of everyone not about doing it in front of everyone). Nothing like a little Vienna/Kasey sex talk to ruin a snack.

Thankfully for the casts stomachs but not for mine, the fight continues upstairs in Vienna’s bunk bed where she attempts to teach Kasey that “no means no.” I cover my ears in horror as they debate the likelihood of a sexual encounter. Just when I thought it was safe to uncover them, I hear the word cuddle and I immediately cover my eyes until Drew says its safe to come out from under the blanket. 

Cue the shameless product promotion while I contemplate how prune-y you must get watching an entire movie in a pool.

Clearly the movie sucks since they give up half-way in and just start making out to pass the time. These two are so good-looking, it’s not as repulsive watching them swap saliva. (I am still worried that Michelle might eat him. The way she says Graham really scares/annoys the hell out of me.)

The date is a success since Michelle and Graham clearly spent the night “connecting” their naughty parts.

Your Mission is Romance 

The mission is clear for Erica. She’s on a “mission to get missionary.” To accomplish this task, she’s packed her sexiest lingerie, her tiara and a sluttiest not often so proudly displayed on this show. Oh yeah and she’s also planning on poisoning Holly when she leaves. You know get her out of the picture and all.

Blake and Erica head off while the rest of the gang convenes a meeting of the “She-man Blake haters club.” Holly attends but doesn’t sign-in.

The date between Erica and Blake is pretty much full of nonsense until they get to the dinner table. There they find two roses. Are they safe? Will they be forced to do “it” in exchange for a rose?

Nope. These roses are to be given out. Used as a bargaining tool as a last-ditch way to save themselves. Erica believes that the best way to use them is as sex toys in their Mission Inn hotel room but Blake’s not so sure.

No but really, Erica seriously wants to get it on with Blake. I’m afraid she’s just going to undress and lay on the table in front of him. Their entire date is spent with Erica laying it on THICK about how badly she wants to do him and how she thinks it is the best “move” for them in the game.

Erica sees Melissa’s insanity and raises her. I get the awkward goosebumps watching this. It is unreal. It takes a turn from weird to totally incomprehensible when she gets legitimately mad that he won’t sleep with her. Like seriously mad.

Back at the pad: Holly and Michael have the same conversation they have EVERY episode. The one with him acting desperate while she whisper whines/cries. UGH. I am so over these two. Rather than listen, I try to find which muppet I think Holly looks most like. I’m torn between these two: 

After making Michael run away in sadness for the 254435 time, Holly and Ella grab their favorite hair accessories and sit down for a fire-side chat about feelings. 

Back at the dinner table, Erica has taken off her panties and left them on Blake’s plate. Seriously, that could have happened. Instead of heading off to the fantasy suite, Blake nervously chuckles while Erica’s sexual anger grows exponentially.

This conversation actually happened:

Blake: You assumed I would just hop right on there.

Erica: Yeah and I’m upset that you’re not.

Later…

Erica: I’m not the one who has to worry about my reputation.

Oh honey, bless your heart.

Game Time

Finally home from the date from hell, Blake is forced to forgive Erica’s madness to figure out who they should give the safety roses to. After dangling the bait in front of Kirk and Ella (you know, the semi-normal ones who really need the money and most likely will not stab you in the back), Blerica makes the worst decision of their lives (well, okay maybe like the 5th worst. Somewhere after appearing on this show) and give the roses to KASEY AND VIENNA.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I yell at the screen loudly scaring my dog and husband.

Blake thinks he can really trust Kasey. Ugh, I wouldn’t trust that muppet to take out my trash.

This rose ultimately seals their fate. It also causes Ella to run away crying. I would cry too if someone chose Kasey over me for anything even mildly positive.

It appears we are stuck with these a-holes for another episode. Woof. To make matters worse, we are forced to watch Vienna do some sort of silent, mime routing with her rose. Double Woof.

Rose Ceremony: 

CH pops in before joining clubbing to let the gang know that the ladies must cast the votes.

Lots of whispering and strategery take place deciding between Kella or Blerica.

I, for one, think that Blake should be sent home for being the biggest dummy of all time (and because I can’t stand him and Holly anymore).

Vienna & Kasey are afraid of going head-to-head with Kirk and Ella in the final (as they should be) since Kella have moral and are well-liked. But in the end, our girl Michelle Money puts her foot down and tells Vienna she’s voting for Blerica.

Predictably it comes down to Holly’s vote. Will she choose love (in the loosest form of the word) or doing the right thing (and by right, I mean what everyone else is doing).

I pray out loud that she votes for Blerica because if Kirk and Ella go home there will be no hope for mankind left on this show and we’ll be forced to watch this gang of monkeys (except for my girl Michelle) run around binge drinking, hooking up and crying.

Roses go to…

Vienna & Kasey, Michelle & Graham, Michael & Holly and…..

KIRK AND ELLA! YAY! 

Blake, who is a supreme idiot, gets what he deserves and Erica is crazy collateral damage. He heads off knowing that Holly cast the deciding vote. But wait, it’s not over yet. She wrote him a love letter. All is not lost, she promises that their love will continue outside the pad.

Uh, yeah right.

What did you all think of last night’s episode? Are you happy that Blake is gone? Will you miss Erica’s tiaras?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Wearing Crazy on Every Article of Clothing. Bachelor Pad 2 Episode 4 Recap

Last week on Bachelor Pad, things went dark right before they sent Jake packing. Would it be a surprise twist? Would he go nutso and attack Kasey? Would he be staying in a tie vote? Lots of conspiracy theories led up to a big giant disappointment. I’m especially upset with my boy Chris Harrison who swore it would be epic in his Entertainment Weekly blog post. Chris, just like everyone else on these shows, you lied. Should have seen it coming but I didn’t expect it from you.

So anyways, we’re back and Kasey of course, leads off with another threat (not a promise) “I swear if he says anything to me, I’m going to punch him in the mouth.” Nope that’s another lie. Jake does indeed say something and Kasey doesn’t throw a single punch but he does tell him to go “kick rocks.” Burn.

"What am I doing with my life?" CH ponders as he prepares to kick off the kissing contest. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Jake  tells everyone they “had the chance to do something really special” which is weird and then does an awkward bow to Vienna while leaving  everyone with the least cryptic message possible, “Vote off Kasey and Vienna.” Okay maybe not that obvious, but you get the point.

Side note: Did anyone else hear Michelle Money tell Kasey, “I love you” when she gave him the rose? C’mon Michelle, you’re better than that.

Kasey celebrates by telling us all that the “devil’s gone” thus continuing his string of consecutive episodes with over-exaggerations and false promises. Yup friends, this is the mastermind of “best straTEEgist” in the game (seriously can he not pronounce any word correctly? how much saliva is blocking him from properly saying words?).

All in all a major disappointment on that hanging chad of an episode.  Oh well, luckily for all of us, Melissa will bring enough SE for three seasons in this single episode.

Post Rose Ceremony, Vienna thanks everyone for kicking Jake off for her. It’s always about this one isn’t it? Thankfully our chief litigator, Erica Rose (starring in Torts & Tiaras this fall on Oxygen), is there to root out the truth. She’s on to Kasey and Vienna and vows to bring them down. If only I thought she was capable of such conniving.

After a quick montage showing us that we better be prepared for a lot more annoying Michael & Holly drama, we’re back at the pad for…

The Challenge – Pucker Up… If you dare.

Chris Harrison is on the scene and thankfully, finally picked up his dry cleaning – no longer needing to rely on Brad’s Goodwill pile for his latest stylings.

The camera pans past William and Drew exclaims out loud, “Wait William’s still on here?” Yup, it’s shocking to us all hun. But enough of that, we’ve got a challenge to get to. A very special challenge …

The Kissing Contest!

Instead of being full of excitement and anticipation, the house tries to conjure up a bunch of false morals (I’m looking at you Michelle Money) and immediately a hand full of people are all like “No, I can’t do it. That’s gross.” Um, HELLO!! You all are on BACHELOR PAD! Do I need to remind you that it’s a reality TV show where they encourage you to hook up and then stab your friends in the back for money? Yeah, you’re on THAT show.

Bitch Please. I'm for sure the best kisser. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Ugh, sorry for the rant but last season the BP gang were all over this challenge. They loved it. Natalie almost jumped out of her cropped top for this challenge. So to see this group just totally dismiss it, I was hit with a couple of emotions. Really I wasn’t mad, just disappointed.

Thankfully, someone reminded these idiots that they are on Bachelor Pad and, with the exception of Michelle (who must have one real moral, yeah just one), the gang decide to give this whole kissing thing a go.

Blake who couldn’t be more cheesy if he tried throws in the expected Charlie Brown “the doctor is in” reference and we’re off!

Holly (who I’ve also decided resembles a muppet) gets the first set of smooches. A romantic moment is coming since ABC cues up track 5 from the “On the Wings of Love Greatest Hits collection.” This means Michael and Holly will share a manufactured, forced romantic moment. Very similar to their entire relationship except without track 5 always playing in the background. While the rest of the guys respectfully plant a peck kiss on Holly, Blake goes in for the kill (it killed my insides having to watch it). this kiss lasted so long I had time to go to the kitchen, get water and a snack and be back in time to catch the last five seconds.

I settled back in just to see Melissa begin to unravel. Melissa, who is so mentally unhinged at this point that I wouldn’t want to stand within double arms distance of her, believes that Blake’s efforts in the kissing contest are just for her. That smooch wasn’t a way to win a slutty contest but rather the way to her heart.

And just in case you didn’t already hate Vienna, she steps up to bat with a warning for the fellas, “Don’t be sticking ya’lls tongues in my mouth.” Duly noted Vienna. (Note to self – Remember to eat a very light dinner before BP until Vienna is voted off.) Does anyone else think Vienna is channeling Britney Spears from her trucker hat, cut-offs, eye-liner, early K-Fed days?

On to the ladies. Michelle Money decides to sit this one out since she has a daughter and “morals.” I’m not sure that people on this show should talk about morals but moving on. Ella, who also has a child but is here for the money honey, puckers up and is ready to get her make-out on.

She gives us a very in-depth description of why she’s a great kisser while I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. We did get two great pieces of information in this challenge though. 1. It’s 100% confirmed that Erica’s lips are “maintain[ed] with injections every six months.” 2. As we all predicted, Kasey Kahl has bad breath. I predict it smells like farts and dust (Too gross? Sorry).

I’m sure you all want me to talk about Holly & Micheal’s “magical” kiss. But I’m not going to. I’m tired of these two.

Kasey + Melissa = Vomit. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

All in all, this open mouth kissing marathon made me a little nauseous after dinner but I like that they’re letting their slutty side shine. Now for the winners… as the editing predicted Blake & Ella are the winners.

Their  superlative in the Bachelor Pad yearbook is now officially “Best Kisser.” (Oo, I may have to do an entirely separate post breaking down superlatives for the entire cast. Woo Hoo)

Blake winning the challenge opens up the flood gates of crazy for Melissa. Watch out Blake because this girl is unrelenting (just ask the camera men who have been chasing her ass around the house).

Melissa is BEAMING. She’s still got those glossed-over crazy eyes but for about a split-second she looks happy. Like she’s finally going to get it. And by it I mean “it” with Blake in the fantasy suite.

The Sweetest Thing

So the date card (of course Melissa rushes to the door, thinking it’s for her and Blake) comes and it’s Ella’s turn to take one guy out on a date (thank god it’s not a group date). She picks Kirk which makes me happy since these two are the only ones who seems slightly normal as well as deserving of the money.

They head off in a fancy red Ferrari because ABC likes for these people to have the finest things in life for fleeting moments so that when they head back to their normal life they are utterly depressed, thus forcing them to come back and participate in things like Bachelor Pad and slutty reunion meet-ups. “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to ride in a helicopter again!”

Ella takes the wheel and they take the one mile drive to the other mansion ABC owns for these shows. You remember this little lodge/house. It’s where Bentley made us all cry by using the phrase “dot dot dot” and then Ashley hid her sorrows in that purple comforter. Remember?

Back at the pad Melissa is NUTS. It’s like she’s having a psychotic break on speed. She is out of control. Her insanity is giving ME hives and I cover my eyes and create a shield with the blanket, hoping her crazy doesn’t seep out of the TV and infect us all.

And just in case you were on the fence about her craziness, ABC cues up the kooky music which just further confirms the madness. I’m paying close attention to the music, hoping it doesn’t turn to the scary track cause that means she is for sure killing Blake and/or Holly.

After following Blake around and acting super desperate, Blake finally drops the bomb on Melissa – he may not be taking her on the date. Oh hell. You can see the anxiety and crazy swirling around inside her, just waiting to explode out her eyes in tears of desperation. Just when I think I can’t take watching this anymore we’re… 

Back on the date. Yikes that was rough. So back with Kirk and Ella and things are cute and sweet and nice. Kirk tells Ella about his college house from hell sickness and Ella tops his sickness by telling him that her step-dad murdered her Mom in front of her and her little sister.

These two are precious. I heart them and I heart them even more together. I’ll even forgive Kirk’s odd outfits and Ella’s graphic tees. They are sweet and I hope they win the money. And if they get a little make-out in between, well good for them.

This moment is ruined by going…

Back to the Casa del Crazy. In an attempt to escape Melissa’s madness, Blake accepts a sensual massage from Erica. They head off to a secluded lounger where Erica mounts him and holds him hostage with her bazooka joe’s until he agrees to be her partner. After releasing him from the suffocating pressure of her boobs, Blake considers Erica’s offer while sharing a romantic arm stroke. To sweeten the pot for partnership, Erica tells Blake “If you brought me [on the date], I would do whatever you wanted. 100%” Blake tells her she makes a great argument which Erica naturally attributes to her being in law school (Will you accept this verdict?). Get me out. of. here. 

Kirk and Ella’s night of romance ends with a hot air balloon ride in the backyard. “This is the first time I’ve ever had a hot air balloon set up in my backyard.” says Kirk. Really? That’s so shocking. You don’t drive Ferrari’s, ride in hot air balloons and take helicopters every where you go? Peasant.

This little love fest ends with a kiss shared in a cramped space with a camera man and the hot air balloon operate awkwardly looking on. Romance at its finest.

Dr. Love 

So the date card comes and Blake must choose who will enjoy the “slippery slopes” with Blake (and no, that is not a sexual metaphor). This causes Melissa to uncontrollably spit out (and then take back quickly) “We could be going sk……” (True confession – we watched that part like 5 times, I thought it was hilarious. Poor Melissa is so desperate for Blake’s affection that it is comical.)

Yeah, you're right. It is great having two boys fight over you. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

After spewing out some pure bullshit, Blake lays a shocker on everyone (okay, no one) and picks Holly. She accepts and Melissa is PISSED. “This is f**ked up” she says, making everyone uncomfortable and a little scared for their safety.

Let the madness begin. She begins huffing through the house in her bedazzled PJ’s (seriously, is she too distraught to get dressed? She is always in her pajama’s) and some house shoes she borrowed from Snooki.

Michelle Money comes on to describe this situation perfectly, “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves but Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day…. Including her hair tie. And her panties…. All of it.” Just when I thought I wasn’t on Team Michelle Money anymore, she comes back and steals my heart with that line.

As the crazy boils inside her, Melissa plots Blake's demise. (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Her craziness knows no bounds and honestly, I am tired of talking about it.  (But did you all see her stirring that yogurt to death? Someone save that Dannon.) I will leave you with my favorite Melissa line of the night. “He pinky swore. So I did my hair and my nails.”

Okay never mind, there’s one more, “I think you all should disqualify him for being a douchebag.” She says to the producers. “Aw honey” they respond, “If that was ground for disqualification, none of you would be here.”

To end this live segment from the looney bin, Melissa confronts Blake who is taking care of his dental hygiene for the evening. He promises to talk to her once he’s done brushing. And she waits. And waits. And waits, until Bachelor Pad cuts to commercial accompanied by the sweet sounds of his power brusher. Well played Bachelor Pad.

Going Down The Slippery Slope 

I found this date predictable and boring which also sums up my feelings about Blake and Holly. To be quite honest, I am getting tired of Holly. While I could watch Melissa act crazy for days, watching Holly cry about having too many boys like her is annoying… and boring.

So here’s my quick recap.

Limo. Flirting. Drinking. Private Plane. Flirting. Drinking. Flying. Skiing. Flirting. Drinking. Falling. Falling. Laughing. Falling. Fireside Picnic. Flirting. Confessing. Drinking. Overnight Suite. Drinking. Flirting. Kissing. Lights off. Giggling.

Blech. (photos from Buddytv.com)

Really, that’s all you need to know. That and that Holly turned her ear muff into a hipster headband.

Back at the pad: I an provide a similar recap to what was going on. 

Michael. Pouting. Staring. Lonely. Crying. Melissa. Crazy. Crying. Annoying. Micheal. Sad. Sulking. All-nighter pulling. Pouting. Waxing Poetic. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

As Holly and Blake waltz back into the mansion, I can’t help but think that Holly is playing everyone here. She seems all ditzy and flirty and nice but what if she really is just playing this game like a pro? Nah, that’s giving her too much credit.

Pad-ness 

When Holly gets back, Micheal literally RUNS to her. Desperate much? She was gone for ONE day. He and Melissa both are a little unhinged. No wonder Blake and Holly want to get away from them.

Michael wraps Holly up in hugs of love and begs her to love him back. She is kinda on the fence about the whole thing and keeps stringing him along. Blah blah blah until Holly tells Michael she kissed Blake. He gets all pissed and I am thankfully we finally get to stop watching this.

Rose ceremony!

After finding out who the cast of Dancing with the Stars will be (Chas Bono, Ron Artest, David Arquette, Kirstin Cavillari, Hope Solo and some other peeps) it’s on to the Rose Ceremony.

When is this going home? (photo from Buddytv.com)

CH appears on the scene ready to break the tension with his trademark combo os skinny ties, a case of champagne and a little attitude. We learn there will be no twists – just one man and one lady going home.

Instead of a booze-filled night of whispers, we get an all-out crazy fest. With people (and by people I mean Kasey and Melissa) running around trying to “save” themselves.

At first it appears the group is going to get rid of Vienna and Kasey (Woo HOO!!! Sweet hallelujah!) but then Kasey starts assaulting people with his Miami Vice suit and annoying pleas.

Just know “this money is necessary for my grandma to live.” A scheming Kasey tells a gaggle of mindless followers. Ugh.  It appears the king of all douches will live to play another day. Woof. Poor William.

All the while, Melissa is carrying around her blanket of crazy, begging everyone to “swear they won’t vote her off.” It gets so bad that, at one point, as Melissa runs up to a group, Graham begs to keep her crazy ass away from him.

Everyone lies straight to her face, saying they are voting Erica off. Melissa seems to buy it for a little bit before realizing her fate is sealed. She will be taking the limo straight to the mental ward.

Rose Time:

The twins (Blake and Kirk), Ella and Holly are safe.

Graham, Michelle (why was she crying?), Erica and Michael are safe. We’re down to the final four.

In the end, predictably William and Melissa go home.

William gets in the limo with dignity (I know, I didn’t know he had that in him) but breaks down a little once protected by the walls of the limo. Poor guy just couldn’t hang with all the backstabbing and scheming. Maybe he should have worked in some muppet impersonations. That would have definitely entertained me helped.

Well Melissa, you really showed us that you're normal and fun and cool, right? (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Then it’s Melissa’s last hurrah! She tries to hold it together but in the limo she does the worst thing to ever be seen on television. She holds in her tears thus turning her face into a monster mash of lunacy. It is embarrassing and beyond awkward. Guess love just wasn’t in the cards for ole girl. I’m sad to see her go.

PSYCHE!

So that was Bachelor Pad. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with this episode. Too much crazy clouded this recap. Hopefully we’ll get some better SE next week.

No more challenge, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be recapping this week. Gotta find another show. Suggestions?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Are you ready? Bachelor Pad 2 Three-Hour Premiere Tonight

Happy Monday friends! It is indeed a happy Monday since tonight is the three-hour (yup, three full hours) Bachelor Pad 2 premiere. Are you ready? To be honest, I’m not sure I am but I am resting up and hydrating so I will be fully prepared for the awesomeness.

In other news, did you see Vienna got a new nose? Welp, she did and here it is. Unfortunately, this booger-maker will not appear on BP2. But maybe Vienna used her BP winnings (????) to buy this.

ABC/CRAIG SJODIN; Noel Vasquez/Getty Images

According to E! Online, Vienna’s new sniffer was the handiwork of Bachelor alum Erica Roses’ father, who is a plastic surgeon. Not sure how I feel about the new nose. I thought the old one had some personality (annoying and kinda ugly, just like Vienna). Do you think it’s a big improvement?

Finally, to leave you, I have included an article I stumbled upon from NPR.com. It pretty much sums up my feelings about BP2 and the genre at large (It also made me feel smart since it’s from NPR).

Get ready for the big premiere! I’ll be back tomorrow to recap.

Until then… Stay Tuned.

Vienna Girardi chats with host Chris Harrison on the premiere of Bachelor Pad.

EnlargeGreg Zabilski/ABCVienna Girardi chats with host Chris Harrison on the premiere of Bachelor Pad.

ABC’s The Bachelor debuted — if you can believe it — all the way back in 2002, in the days when trying to create “romantic” “couples” on television seemed like it might take off. But in time, sleaze-fests like Temptation Island and Joe Milliionaire, brutal affronts to marriage like Married By America and Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?, they all fell by the wayside.

The survivor, no pun intended, was The Bachelor, which braved a nearly spotless record of abject failure in its basic mission to become a ratings success that has now run 15 times with bachelors and seven times with “bachelorettes.” (No one uses the word “bachelorette” outside of this franchise, but you can’t very well call the female editions The Needy Hottie.)

The Bachelor is not only the sole survivor of its generation of bloated Dating Game progeny, but it’s also the standard-bearer of what became ABC’s self-consciously “classy” reality brand. This doesn’t mean that the show actually is classy, but it ismarketed as if it were classy. Not for this show the rat-eating of the iconic first season of Survivor, or the gawking of The Biggest Loser, or the wallowing freak shows of much of basic-cable reality.

No, this is about the gauzy lighting, the roses, the swirling orchestral music that accompanies a [profoundly fraudulent] marriage proposal [that's almost certainly doomed] made by a [buff and dull] man to a [tiny and dull] woman. In the same wayThis Is Spinal Tap is a comedy shot like a documentary, The Bachelor is a train wreck shot as a romantic melodrama. Cravenness presented as love; sad wearing happy’s clothes.

That’s what makes Bachelor Pad such an incongruous development. Bachelor Pad, which returns tonight for a second season in a punishing three-hour premiere (“You’re in or you’re out,” it seems to be saying, mob-style, as it cold-cocks you), isn’t pretending to be anything it isn’t. It isn’t telling you it’s classy. It’s gleefully vulgar, straight-up.

Where the original show is supposedly about finding love, this one is a competition where cast-offs from Bachelor seasons — nine men and nine women, in this case — all come back and live in a mansion and compete for a $250,000 prize. The rules are sketchy, the way you win is unclear, but each week, one man and one woman are sent home.

The driving force behind Bachelor Pad is the discovery in recent years that it’s cheaper and simpler to develop the secondary market for existing “reality” personalities than it is to cast new ones. Survivor now recycles old cast members all the time; CBS has sent former Big Brother and Survivor contestants over toThe Amazing Race, and MTV has known for years that the best thing it ever got out of Road Rules was The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

But as much as that secondary market has flourished, it wouldn’t be what it is without an additional discovery: former reality-show contestants have a remarkable tendency to sleep with each other. I had one of them explain this to me once, and basically what I was told was that if you take a lot of people who were cast because they’re young and hot, and you send them to a lot of the same network parties where there’s a ton of free booze, eventually, there’s going to be some sex. And because every season, The Bachelor(ette) introduces 25 or 30 new people into its alumni association (motto: Ex victoria WOOOOOO!), it probably has an even better chance of that happening than other shows do.

And so, in the Bachelor Pad cast, you have people who are currently dating, people who dated in the past and broke up, and one wreck to rule them all: Jake and Vienna.

Jake and Vienna are the one couple here that actually had anything to do with each other on the original show, as opposed to being drawn from different seasons. When Jake was the actual Bachelor, he picked Vienna to propose to, and they stayed together for a few months. They then had some sort of enormously ugly breakup that led to an enormously ugly on-camera interview in which he suddenly seemed to have a seething, scary temper and she seemed even more irritating and spoiled than she had before. Ironically, while the engagement came off as utterly phony, their bitterness toward each other was clearly genuine.

So naturally, it seemed like a great idea to lock them in a house together for a few weeks and film the whole thing!

Much of that three-hour premiere — just keep saying “three hours?” to yourself, and you’ll get a sense of the appropriate level of despair — concerns this unhappy reunion. Vienna is in the house with a new boyfriend, a guy named Kasey who, and Ipromise I am not making this up, went out and got a tattoo during the Bachelorette season where he was a contender, just to prove his devotion to his motto, which is that with any woman, he is there to “guard and protect her heart.” Thus did he become Weird Tattoo-Getting Guy, and now he is Vienna’s boyfriend. And he is determined to guard and protect her new sassy haircut from the likes of Jake.

Jake, on the other hand, needs to feel like the good guy, and he knows that he cracked during their breakup interview and came off like a creep, so he’s looking to fix his reputation by making up with her and wishing her well. Or at least that’s what he says.

This is the ultimate secondary market. The show is now creating a storyline about the back story of a couple that only has a back story because of the show. It is an infinite echo chamber of relationships that don’t really exist. Jake and Vienna are on the show because they hate each other, and they hate each other because they were on the other show. We’ve reached a new dimension of unreality, where if these people can stay unhappy enough and can only have relationships with other people from television, they might never have to have jobs again.

The original dream of reality-show contestants was that they’d all become stars. They’d all break out and get talk shows, or get into acting, or otherwise parlay their success into something else. What they’ve learned is that for about 99 percent of them, there is nothing to parlay. (And you have to worry about adverse consequences, too. Ask Richard Hatch about prison.)

The market is saturated with people who other people talked about a lot for about 13 weeks, both positively and negatively. That’s not a thing. It’s not a pitch. It’s not anything outside of its own world. If you want to make your reality appearance into anything, your best shot is making it into more reality appearances.

But every time you double down on that life, the perceived level of the show you’re on drops. The Bachelor pretends to have a drop — just a drop — of sophistication. It doesn’t embrace being trash. Bachelor Pad embraces being trash. You have to give up a little more of your self-respect every time you punch your ticket again. There’s a secondary market, but every sale requires you to sell harder and more cheaply.

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Living out Loud with the Bad Girls Club – Guest Post: Season 7 Premiere Episode Recap

Secondary Embarrassment is, as we all know, not just limited to the Bachelor(ette) franchise. There are tons and tons of other shows bringing the SE on the regular. So today we’ve got a guest post from my buddy Matt who is bringing us two firsts at SE. 1. The first post written by a male. 2. The first Bad Girls Club recap. 

Matt is an AVID BGC fan. In the five years I’ve known him, he’s never missed a season of BGC. He’s been trying to get me to watch it for ages but I just haven’t been able to get it on the DVR schedule. So he decided to take matters into his own hands and write a guest post. If you all leave enough comments telling him how great he is, he may come back on the reg.

For the consideration of the Secondary Embarrassment Society, I present to you the Bad Girls Club Premiere recap…  

The dog days of summer (or as I like to call it “sports Siberia”) can wear on a man after a while.  Basketball is over, football is still weeks away and for a long-suffering Cubs fan, baseball is meaningless by August.

Thankfully, just as I was about to give up on TV all together, comes a sign to let America know that not all is lost. I’m referring to the TV masterpiece we’ve come to lovingly know as Bad Girls Club. Are you familiar with this reality gem?  If not, you should be.  It ranks up there with the best of reality TV and even more important, Secondary Embarrassment.

Don't forget it.

Brought to you by the fine people at the Oxygen network, who urge viewers to “Live Out Loud”, it’s a hot-mess roller coaster of hair-pulling, fake-nail clawing, drink throwing fun. This season’s weekly hour-long train wreck takes place in New Orleans and after first glance at the cast, its fitting they’re being filmed in the “Big Easy”.

For those of you who haven’t seen the show, it’s basically a reality version similar to Dave Chappelle’s “When keeping it real goes wrong” skit.

Each of the seven girls begins the show with hopes of accomplishing a life goal and reforming their bad girl ways.  Instead, each show is filled with profanity-laced tirades, physical fights and a sheer highlight reel of SE.

Regardless of season or cast, it’s important to keep in mind that the themes of the show always remain the same. The season begins with each girl in her hometown talking about how it’s important to “keep it real”, to “be who you are” and to “tell it how it is”.  Each girl in some form or another also mentions she is a “grown-ass woman” and doesn’t have time for “drama in the house”. Apparently, they’ve never seen a prior episode of the show.

wait, this isn't rock of love?

This foreshadowing is hilarious in that the entire existence of the show from this point on is based around drama in the house stemming from each girl’s insistence upon “keeping it real” and shutting up all her “haters”.  The first episode is really just a jump-off for the booze to start flowing and the punches to start throwing, so let’s dive right in with a look at this season’s cast:

Angelic – Dubbed  “the Bronx Bombshell” by Oxygen (Live out Loud!), Angelic sounds like a cross between Rosie Perez and Betty Boop. This proud go-go dancer was without a doubt the happiest to hear the mansion had a stripper pole.  She’s not just your average Jenny from the block though. Nicknamed “Baby” by her housemates, she immediately becomes defensive over being the youngest girl in the house (21 years old) and claims that she can out-drink the entire crew. She then proceeds to try to do so, resulting in a comedy of drunken errors including throwing one of the girls voodoo dolls (Editors Note: A girl on this show has voodoo dolls????) in the toilet and pouring beer on another girl’s face. A fun drinking game for those scoring at home is the number of times “Baby” mentions that she’sBronxborn and bred.  We hit four times in the show’s first 12 minutes.  We also become aware very early in the show that “Baby” doesn’t live up to her name when it comes to bodily hygiene and needs to shave her arm pits. That stubble “Lives Out Loud” on a 64-inch hi-def TV.

Shelly – I like Shelly.  The self-proclaimed lesbian who has a boyfriend serving in Iraq said she’s “the type to poke at something until it swells”. At first I didn’t like “The Lady Killer” Shelly because of all the tattoos and eerie resemblance to Chaz Bono.  However, Shelly definitely has some bad girl in her and isn’t afraid to throw down or take up for her housemates. After knowing each girl for all of 9 minutes, she immediately refers to them as her family and will go to the mattresses to protect each one.  She’s the biggest of the girls and should be a lot of fun this season.  Another reason I like Shelly is that she’s brought back the catch phrase “DONE” that was made so famous by Kristen in season 5.

Wow, Really?

Tasha’s motto is  “I’m always VIP or I’m not going out.”  At first that line didn’t sit well with me, but Tasha seems pretty cool and harmless (and by cool, I mean the hottest), even if she isn’t very smart.  “The Posh Princess”, as Oxygen has dubbed her, believes early in the show that she’ll get along great with Nastasia who is African-American. Her reasoning?  Because “a lot of my friends in Tuscaloosaare black or whatever”.  This Miami native needs to build allies quick. You can just tell she won’t last long if (or  when, I mean, who are we kidding?) she gets in her first fight.

Nastasia – “The Powerhouse” from Sacramento, California is the first one on camera to say “I don’t have time for drama in the house”, immediately tipping me off that she in fact does have time for and would love some drama in the house.  Nastasia reminds me of Tanisha (“pop off”) from Season One, who is without a doubt the baddest girl in BCG history. She’ll be great to watch this season and is just looking for a reason to get involved in someone’s business.

Tiara – Her motto in life is, and I quote, “You thought you were the shit until I walked in the room”.  At first I didn’t like Tiara, but I get the feeling we’re going to have a lot of fun watching her as well. Oxygen has named this Houston native as the “Goofy Gangsta” and it didn’t take long to find out why. She “wigged” out when a bug nearly flew in her mouth as she was meeting her cast mates and then proceeded to fall down twice while performing the simple task of walking (before even taking the first sip of alcohol)  I can also admire Tiara for the wholesome, hardworking message she sends out to the show’s younger female viewers.  As she danced on a bar for single dollar bills, she then stuffed the money down her shirt and shouted “this is what hard work gets you!” This clumsy, uncoordinated mess is going to provide comic relief all season. At one point as a physical altercation in the kitchen escalates, we see Tiara drop to her knees and say a quick prayer, asking God to keep her from “knocking someone out”.

Priscilla – Commonly known to Oxygen viewers as the “Staten Island Spitfire” has the raspy, smokers voice that every guys dreams of. She reminds me a little of fan favorite and house crazy “Flo” from Season Four with a voice that sounds closer to Louie Armstrong.  The oldest girl in the group (25), Priscilla makes quick friends with Shelly knowing that she’ll eventually need Shelly to have her back.  And sure enough, it’s Shelly to the rescue as Priscilla gets into a physical altercation with Judi and her Creole voodoo doll because the voodoo doll was “starting stuff” with her. Later episode previews show Priscilla going “Staten Island” on her housemates, so I’ll be sure to keep a close eye on this one.

Judi - the Voodoo Vixen.  Oh, Judi, Judi, Judi. Sweet Judi. You know we had to save the best for last as Judi has already nailed down a spinoff after one episode of putting her hot mess craziness on display.  I really don’t even know where to begin with this one.  Judi is the first to arrive at the mansion and makes close friends with a life-size voodoo doll.

 

Hello Dolly!

Ready to Rumble 

After Episode 1, it looks as if that doll maybe her only friend.  I mean, this girl is already in the BCG Hall of Fame after giving us SE gold. In an effort to establish herself as alpha dog and top BG, Judi burst on to the scene with this line: “Bitches, I will shave your face off and wear it for Mardi Gras 2012” which is awesome and a totally appropriate response given the NOLA backdrop. As she told us numerous times, Judi has Creole heritage, which she let us know by the repeated yelling of “I’m Creole bitch!” throughout the show.

She locked down her role as the house villain and mega-bitch on the first night after ditching her roomies to grind on some Reggie Bush-look-alike.  This may not have been a coincidence because shortly after the grind session, Judi defended her actions by saying that she in fact knew Reggie Bush and then proceeded to drop the names of several other B-list athletes. Oh yeah, it was also about this time that Judi boasted that she has over 5,000 friends on Facebook; which in the BCG is clearly the measure of a woman’s worth.

All of this craziness ignited a fight between Judi and the rest of the girls that started in the limo and ended with an all-night brawl that featured high heals thrown into the hot tub, multiple broken house objects, spitting on food, broken glass being placed in Tasha’s bed, art being destroyed, a mysterious wet weave and of course, the show’s first producer sighting.

Did I mention Judi spitting on everyone’s pizza and then brushing a part of someone’s wet weave on it?  Truly the epitome of class.

Bad Girl.

My two favorite Judi moments came in close sequence. The first being when she was in a profanity-laced argument with Shelly and starts comes back at her by shouting “Gucci”.  And the second coming after the girls realize she has spit on their delicious Tombstone pizza.

Led by Tiara, the girls pour alcohol and an entire champagne bottle on Judi as she sits there laughing and clutching her voodoo doll friend (and three BL Smooths). Judi responds by telling the camera that “so what? They poured liquor and drinks on me. That’s what I live for. I’m a celebrity.”

The show draws to a close with crazy Judi serving her friend Priscilla “breakfast in bed” as she dumps in an entire pot of cereal and milk on the sleeping roommate.  .

Yes SE fans, buckle up. Like the car wreck you just can’t look away from, Season 7 should be a roller coaster and it’s just getting cranked up.  Live out loud!

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Not so fast missy. MTV The Challenge: Rivals Episode 5 Recap

Well hello there. So I know I said I was going to be recapping Love in the Wild, but I’ll be perfectly honest with you – I haven’t watched the last two episodes.

Once my inner-college student self sat down and watched The Challenge, I was HOOKED. It was like going back to a soap opera after a few years away, it’s different but oddly exactly the same. Yes, they’ve replaced some of your favorites with new actors but just give it a few minutes and it will feel familiar again.

I forgot how great the Challenge is. I only wandered away from it because I am a television snob (not in taste but picture quality) and MTV wasn’t offered in HD so I neglected it. But the television gods smiled upon me (and the rest of the Louisville DMA) when they began offering a slew of trashy channels in HD. What? Now I can watch Teen Mom and The Karadashians in HD! It’s like Christmas in early May!

"I only like you cause we're drunk." (Photo: MTV)

The Challenge has all the things I’m looking for in a great reality tv show: hookups, inappropriate inebriated behavior, back-stabbing, evil plotting, competitions, douche bags, nerds, sluts, meat heads, a couple nice girls and some fun gay friends. MTV has managed to neatly package all of these things into a one-hour show hosted by the always delightful (and stoned) TJ Lavin (who looks like this guy).

So last night was a girl’s elimination which means the guys get to take a two-day break from trying to kill CT. The challenge was to paddle for as long as you can upriver in a designated zone and then once you’re pushed out of the zone, to race through the rapids to a finish line. Simple enough.

The pretty/slutty team of Mandi (with an ‘I’)  and Jenn take down this season’s unlikely power couple Paula/Evelyn for the win but not before we got to witness the ineptitude that is Katelyn (seriously, those ears!) and Reece Witherspoon’s brunette tatted up sister Sarah. Sarah has been berating Katelyn all season for sucking at everything (well she kind of does) and this episode was no exception.

Don't worry they don't let them die on this show. (Photo: MTV)

After making it halfway down the rapids, Sarah is bucked from their canoe and Katelyn is left to paddle her way to an early grave in a fight with a rock and a rapid. When they are inevitably DQ’ed Sarah throws a temper tantrum on the river banks which Kately quickly emulates in an attempt to prove she doesn’t suck. After some stomping and helmet throwing these two resign themselves to going to the jungle.

The boy’s side is dominated once again by the Johnny/Tyler and CT/Adam combos much to Wes’ – the evil dictator of this show – dismay. Wes has been telling us since he first stepped foot on this show that he is the alpha male of the entire world (not realizing that ginger’s aren’t the alpha of very many things let alone the entire male species) and that all other contestants must kiss his ring and bow before him before consuming their allotted 6 cases of alcohol. So when he and Kenny DQ it brings a smile to my face.

In between the challenge and voting, we find out that Adam and Jenn have been cuddling and swapping saliva like two kids at sleep-away camp.  The guys and gals do their best impression of  “Summer Loving” while recapping their relationship with their fellow bunk mates. Except that Jenn has to be “blacked-out wasted” to even look at the kid and Adam is head over heels in love. Something tells me this is going to make for an awkward post-Challenge wrap-up show.

The entire group picks Jasmine and Johnna to go to the jungle since they actually had the balls to think for themselves and went against the evil rule of Kim Jong-Wes. This leads the two of them to do double hand claps in excitment while Sarah and Katelyn grunt about how bad they will kick their asses.

Get Digging Bitch!

This is where the completely obvious editing of the Bunim-Murray team comes in. We are lead to believe that Sarah and Katelyn will mop the jungle floor with the J twins with all their jumping up and down, fist pumping and in-your-facing (yup, i just made that a verb). But it’s all too obvious.

After whisking Jasmine and Katelyn away pre-jungle, the rest of the crew arrive to find two piles of hay and no partners. TJ lets us know that the girls are buried in coffins in the hay and that they must dig them out BUT you don’t know which pile your partner is under (got ‘em!). After you rescue your partner from inevitable death, you have to solve a puzzle – to which Sarah gets a brain boner and everyone awws at how awesome she will be at this.

So yeah, duh Jasmine and Johnna win. Cause every single solitary time they do this, the other team wins. I’m not joking when I say I get genuinely excited during the challenges – like way too emotionally invested. So when J&J pull out the win, I am hype. Mostly because I am happy I don’t have to watch Katelyn act awkward and Sarah act like a raging bia anymore (or make that scary smile face that Reece Witherspoon always made in the movie ‘Election’). And because Jasmine is feisty and I think the house needs her pipsqueak powerhouse personality.

Stop looking at me like that Sarah. (Photo: MTV)

Everyone is shocked and appalled about Sarah and Katelyn losing with the exception of CT, Michael and Leroy who think they may have some leverage against the evil dictator now. We’ll see what happens there.

Anyways, I know this was a bit of a half-assed recap but I had to go with my heart on this one and my heart (and remote hand) love The Challenge. I will catch up on Love in the Wild and get a recap going on that too though.

In the mean time, do you watch the Challenge? If so, who are your favorites? Do you love or hate CT (i love him!)? Do you even remember the seasons of The Real World these people were on? Remember when there was a Road Rules?

So many questions, so little time.

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Filed under The Challenge: Rivals