Sorry this recap is so later. I watched last night’s episode with my family in Miami and spent the day traveling back home to Louisville. So I apologize for the delay, hopefully it’s worth the wait (probably not but oh well, it’s all I’ve got).
This week we’re in the perfect place to fall in love. Perfect place, perfect guy, everything is just perfect. Well everything except Courtney. But more on that later, let’s hear what Ben thinks about Park City, Utah.
“There is every color in the rainbow” here in Park City according to our resident poet Ben. Ahh Ben, your words paint a beautiful picture.
We get a small clip of home video footage so we know the girls made it. Get ready for a week full of nature…. and champagne.
The girls arrive in their always fabulous hotel home for the week and we’re subject to the standard minute of “Oohs,” “Wows!” and “There’s a hot tub!!”Between gushing, we find out that, the always on the verge of tears, Nicki is really nervous. Shocker.
But there’s no time to fret because Chris Harrison is in the house, looking oh so casual-chic in his half-zip pullover. You can tell he’s just getting this little piece of business out of the way before he heads out for a full day of skiing and apres-ski hot tubbing.
The run down for this episode is as follows: 3 dates. 1 group. 2 one-on-ones. One rose on each date. To which you’re probably saying “duh” but this time Chris isn’t just here to drop the date card and run. He gets real with the chicks and let’s them know that this shizz is important so no more talking about the weather (chances that’s just a request from producers?). It’s time to get real and talk love.
First up. Rachel – Let Nature Takes It’s Course.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty happy that Rachel finally gets a one-on-one. I’ve liked her from the start so I was hoping this was her time to shine. Unfortunately, I was wrong. But before we get into that, we have to hear Kacie B. whining about missing out on the date card. Our favorite baton twirler has fallen HARD for Bachelor Ben and is having a hell of hard time sharing him with the others. It’s so rough that the thought of it is making her nauseous. Too bad that’s what this show is all about.
While the girls grill Rachel about the upcoming date, Kacie B. fights back the spits well that is until Ben walks in and saves her weak stomach. Crisis Averted.
Scratch that, back to Kacie B. who is now talking about how the last thing she wants to see is another girl riding in a helicopter with Ben. This interview is interrupted by the sounds of the girls yelling, “Look! It’s a helicopter!” and her worst fears are realized instantaneously. You’d almost think someone was filming them? Is this a set up?
Enough of Kacie B. and her maddening love for Ben. There’s a helicopter date going on. Side note: I’m happy they’ve brought back the mid-season helicopter date. That was seriously lacking last season.
So up in the heli, Ben and Rachel do exactly what CH told them not to do – they talk about the weather/scenery. Strike One.
Strike two comes moments later as these two take their pic-a-nic basket down to the water front. This date is not coming along as I expected. I was hoping for Rachel to be normal, cool, confident and generally awesome. Instead she comes off as guarded, awkward, mildly insecure but still really pretty.
They pile into a canoe where the awkward convo continues. Thankfully Ben uses his signature move, the filling awkward silences with an open mouth kiss, and while it’s still uncomfortable to watch, it’s WAY better than listening to them say “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” for the 33342305345th time.
Back at the resort…Monica baits Kacie B. into talking about how obsessed she is with Ben. Has she been planted by the producers? A few crazy in love comments later and we’re back to …
Rachel and Ben. Maybe it’s because they’re not total trainwrecks but this is a BORING date. Really boring. Rachel spends almost every moment telling us how nervous she is. We get it Rachel. But really, this is a television show you gotta do SOMETHING. Anything over than talking about the scenery and weather.
Since this date gets painfully drawn out, I’m going to spare all of us the misery. Here’s how it goes down. Dinner date. Awkward convo. Rachel finally opens up. Something about being bad at dating. Looking pretty. Drinking Champagne. Open Mouth Kissing. Rose Getting. Date Ending.
Group Date: Taking the Bait with Jamie, Kacy S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and DUH DUN DUN Courtney.
A note about Courtney before we head out on the group date.
Courtney is a psychopath…. and running the risk of eating her bottom lip. (Is that bugging the shit out of anyone else? Seriously, that lip thing is beginning to INFURIATE me. How can we make it stop?)
Okay, now that that’s out of my system, we can focus on the date.
Turns out they all get to go horse back riding which immediately sends Lindzi into a horsey frenzy. Ole girl loves her some horses.
While Lindzi prefers the company of horses, Nicki prefers anything and everything to do with Ben. She is some obsessed with him, which wouldn’t be so absurd except that that it seems like she hasn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone with him this season.
The girls dismount and it’s on to the fly fishing portion of the date. Here’s where things really get fishy.
Outfitted in their waders, Kacie B. continues along the road to crazy town while Courtney continues along the road to be hated by every TV viewer in America.
Courtney on Kacie B. (this starts the trend of the producers sharing Courtney’s insights on all the girls) “I think [she] is sweet and cute… and annoying.” Oh Courtney, we can always count on you to say something nice.
This leads nicely into the …
Live look at the girls left behind. Yes, it appears that everyone is just sitting around and talking shit about Courtney which, at first, seems a little annoying but then I realize that if I was there I would totally be doing the same thing (except I would never be there, such a conundrum).
Back on the date though, Courtney can do no wrong in our Bachelor’s eyes. He is a smitten kitten. The dorky smile on his face as he talks about her says it all.
Ben abandones the safety of the other girls and ventures into Courtney’s evil web of lies. There he is caught (no pun intended) and hooked (okay, that one was intended). Courtney holds him in her grasp with her hair touching, lip biting and stupidity.
The producers realize the girls haven’t had a drink in approximately 5 hours, so they hand them all a beer which gives Lindzi the liquid courage to sabotage Courtney’s one on one time. She’s about to hook Ben but then Courtney hooks a fish and Lindzi is sent back to the back, tail between her horsey legs.
Courtney’s evil plan conitnues to unfold perfectly while the girls complain aloud, pissed that the Wicked Witch has caught the proverbial fish that is Ben.
Enough of this fishing nonsense, let’s skip ahead to the bikinis and binge drinking portion of our date.
Side note: How have Jamie and Kacy S. made it this long?
And as if on cue, ready to provide an answer to everyone’s question – Ben pulls Kacy S. aside. Ben is clearly taken with her which is confusing since I thought he just met her.
While they chit chat, the girls consider toasting/making a pact (that’s how you make a pact on this show – with champagne, duh) to not interrupt each others alone time. Nicki immediately pulls back her glass, says “Nicki don’t play that” and storms off to interrupt the shit out of Kacy’s alone time. Get it girl.
During their solo time, Nicki drops a sob story about her boss passing away. They then bond because Ben too lost someone before leaving for filming. This is an emotional moment. How do I know that? Because the producers cued up Track 7: Super Sad Dead Friend/Relative Music from The Bachelor: Hits to Hook Up To. Their shared emotion obviously leads to an open mouth kiss which concludes their time together because obviously, what more could Ben want with her?
On to the next one, which as it happens is one of my favorites (more in a train wreck way than a seriously good way) – Samantha Sash. Sweet little Sam brought along the girls, who she thinks are her secret weapons. Instead they are her achilles heal, well them and her acid mouthed tongue.
Here’s where things get weird. So Sam grills Ben. Asking him why she hasn’t had a one-on-one, wondering if he really likes her, wondering where this will go. Then Ben breaks it to her. She is “highly emotional” and this shit ain’t going no where. Samantha is as shocked as we are, the crying starts, she says her goodbyes and she hits the road.
The worst part is that he walks her out. Just let her leave with dignity.
As Samantha exits, Courtney (who apparently is the new narrator – COME BACK CH! Don’t leave us alone with her!) mutters “Excellent” under her breath and enjoys seeing another girl bite the dust.
With Samantha discarded, Ben turns his attention to the always needy Kacie B. He takes her off to his room where he makes her feel “special.” No telling what exactly that means but I don’t think I want to know. After some insanely uncomfortable and LOUD kissing (during which time I noticed how horrible Ben’s hair really is), Ben takes Kacie B. back to hot tub where we have to pay more attention to Courtney.
The last part of her plot to ruin the group date involves her laying on top of Ben in her bikini while complaining that she is “having a hard time
pretending to be human.” She drops this line on him as he goes in for a big, wet, sloppy kiss. She puts the kibosh on that. No kissing until she gets that rose. She weaves a sob story about how she’s feeling vulnerable, unsure and is not doing well in the house (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I scream at the TV to which my family responds with scared glances). Since Ben is totally wrapped up in her spell, he immediately jumps up, sprints to the rose and delivers it at her feet. She rewards him with a scooby snack while I yell, scream and get oddly upset about his idiocy (why why why am I surprised).
This exchange makes me 100% positive that she is an evil witch. Well that and her saying “Winning!” a la Charlie Sheen three times in this episode alone. Ugh, I hate her.
Craters and Country with Jennifer.
The last date is by far the worst date of the season so far and not just because of Jennifer’s awful outfit.
Let’s talk about it. You’re telling me that no one in that house could have lent her something better to wear than a ratty sweater, some baby blue uber flare bell bottoms circa 2001 and some low-top Converse sneakers. Blech.
The first part of the date involves Jennifer and Ben hiking to a crater where they rappel into the pool below. This TERRIFIES Jennifer for some reason and I stop paying attention as she shrieks like a little girl the entire way down. They take a quick swim (and we get a look at Jennifer’s horrible yellow bikini that she picked up 15 years ago at 5-7-9) and we’re painfully forced to watch them tread water. I think that may be the worst SE I’ve had all season. Jennifer seriously looked like she might drown. Someone throw that girl a floaty. Please. Make. It. Stop.
After some seriously boring conversation, Jennifer snags the rose and some loud wet kisses. He must have a thing for red heads.
Getting the rose means Jennifer has earned the right to attend the final portion of the date – a Clay Walker concert. This hurts my heart since I like Clay Walker. You’re better than this Clay – so much better. They sing (but definitely don’t know the words) and dance. One thing that Jennifer didn’t get is dipped. Did you all see her throw her head back and leg up, not once but TWICE, in an attempt to get dipped? It was AH – MAH – ZING. If you DVR’ed it, please go back and check it out. I definitely watched it like 6 times.
Rose Ceremony Time.
As I said, I watched this episode at home and before this segment starts my mom decides to go and take a bath. I let her know that she is certainly going to miss the best part, you know the part where they get drunk and wear pretty dresses. Alas, that wasn’t enough to keep her interested. Her loss.
Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer are in the clear. Game on for the rest of the gals.
Okay but before, I have to say this Courtney lip thing is literally driving me crazy. That can’t be normal right? Why does she do that!?!
After a quick toast, he grabs Monica for some one on one time. While they get to know one another, Emily continues to fall pray to Courtney’s evil plan. We haven’t really talked out it this recap but anyone who watched the episode knows that Courtney is literally driving Emily crazy. She is unraveling and all Courtney can do is watch and smile, oh yeah and mess with her hair.
Jamie, who hasn’t spoken once this episode, drops some truth “Obviously you care about him or this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.” Uh, you think. Courtney has clearly gotten under her skin.
So Emily grabs some alone time and instead of wasting it talking about the weather, she wastes it by talking about how disingenuous one of the girls is. She says she won’t name names but then says “this girl got the rose on the group date.” Okay, way to stay cool. But much to Emily’s dismay, Ben rejects Emily’s “gossip” and tells her to go make friends.
After her awkward time with Ben, Emily comes back to talk to Kacy and Jamie about her unraveling. Bad choice to confide in Kacy, who it turns out is Courtney’s one friend in the house (so that’s how she’s stuck around so long- Courtney has let her in on the evil plot. Things are coming together).
Kacy runs back to her puppet master to let her know everything Emily has said about her. Shits about to go down.
“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me,” says Courtney. Followed by, “I almost just wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” Definitely something a nice person would do.
After some brief one-on-one time with Nicki, we get back to the real drama – the Emily and Courtney hair twirling stand off. That’s how you know this shit is serious. Well that and the overly dramatic music.
The girls gather around in a circle and the show down begins. Courtney cackles and her evil lip takes on Emily. Emily stands no chance and withers under the pressure. She’s all sobs and runny mascara while Courtney doesn’t even break a sweat although she did sneak in another “Winning!” Woof.
Emily clearly has cracked under Courtney’s spell. The side effects are a serious face/nose twitch.
After lots more sadness, CH is on the scene looking good. But before e can even get a word in edge wise, Ben cuts in and ruins the moment.
Side notes: What’s the deal with Blakely’s love of super long dangly earrings? Are Ben and Chris wearing matching suits?
Rose time: 8 roses to hand out. One girl heading home.
Rachel, Jennifer and the Wicked Witch have Roses.
- Jamie (still lying low, still hanging around, still wearing sparkles)
- Kacie B.
- Elyse (how is she still here?)
- Blakely (one more girl gets to get highlights)
- Kacy S. (at least we know who she is now)
- Emily gets put on notice. The, as we call it around here, “keep your crazy under control” warning rose.
Aw Monica has to go home. She wasn’t half bad and her limo cry wasn’t so embarrassing. I mean, a little but not tragic.
Next stop: Puerto Rico.
To which the one-upper aka Courney replies “I was there two months ago.” Someone punch her please.
It seems next week will be chock full of more Emily & Courtney drama. That and Kacie B. being overly dramatic and familiar with Ben.
What did you think of this episode? Do you hate Courtney too? Are you afraid if you comment yes that she will cast a spell on you?
Until next time… stay tuned!