I have high hopes for this season. And having the Muppets on the second episode could either be a brilliant way up the secondary embarrassment ante or it could be an early life vest meant to save us from the boredom that this cast of guys appears to be.
I’m going to look on the bright side, mostly because Fozzie is going to make an appearance. What can I say, I’m a huge Fozzie fan.
We now interrupt this regularly scheduled episode for BREAKING NEWS! Emily is filming in Charlotte, North Carolina. Did you all get that? Cause if not, there are helicopters circling above hunting Emily and her man candy’s every move. For Action News, I’m Ricky Bobby.
She may be a big news story but all Emily really needs after a stressful night of meeting, drinking with and ultimately kicking off a bunch of hot (-ish) dudes is a Mommy’s day out at the park. Hold the phone. I know Emily is a young mommy but she’s got to be able to find some Mom friends under the age of 40. Emily, I’m 28. I have a kid. Call me. We’ll hang out.
But enough of that. There’s a house full of dudes not paying attention to Chris Harrison. (What the what is happening around here? Why aren’t people snapping to attention the moment CH strolls into the house? Blasphemy.)
Since these guys don’t appear to be the sharpest knives in the drawer, CH is forced to give them a detailed break down of how the show works. “Some guys get individual dates, some guys get group dates, some guys get no dates…” seems easy enough and you’d think these guys would have watched an episode before packing but hey, who am I to judge.
The group thanks Chris in unison (there’s a little of the respect this man deserves) and someone remarks, “things just got real.” Truth.
First up: “Ryan, be my King in the Queen City.”
Emily gets creativity points for actually being clever in her first date card (but it’s early and I don’t want to get our hopes up). Ryan flexes his muscles, fixes his hair and throws on his favorite burn-out, v-neck tee. You’re right unnamed dude, “things just got real.”
Emily is excited to go on a date with Ryan but nervous because he’s “crazy good-looking” and the last “crazy good-looking” dude she dated was Brad (WOOF – these are her words, not mine). Let’s hope that these Brad references are few & far between. (A girl can dream.)
So Ryan’s all hyped up, wondering what the producers have in store for the first date. Rappelling (a personal favorite), helicopters, jets, sports cars? Nope, we’re taking the SUV to Emily’s home to do a little baking. (Not gonna lie, baking chocolate chip cookies doesn’t sound bad at all) Turns out Emily really is a soccer mom and it’s her turn to bring snack to practice.
Ryan can’t hide his viable disappointment but he puts on a brave face and a frilly apron and gets to baking.
A batch of cookies and few sliced oranges (p.s. – both looked delicious) and it’s time to drop off those goodies for the girlies. Unfortunately for Ryan, he’s not allowed to meet little Ricky yet so he sits in the parking lot like a huge creeper while Betty Crocker delivered the goods.
Back at the pool, the guys are talking about the star of the show. They debate whether Ricky will really like any of them (doubtful at best) and who’s abs are the best (too early to choose).
Now that her Mommy dearest duties are done for the day, it’s time to party. Which means they’re off to Chuckie Cheese! PSYCH!
While I think Emily would be totally cool with pizza and a regular coke (yeah, right), the producers won’t allow for anymore of this normalcy (read: boring). So it’s off to dinner & a surprise.
They arrive at the restaurant and it’s surrounded by a swarm of fans (“Charlotte’s just a little city” um, no it’s not. It may not be LA or NYC but c’mon it’s a seriously large metropolitan area. Enough of this country bumpkin rouse.) You’d think with a roped off crowd outside that there would at least be a few other people inside. Nope. It’s empty, just like Emily’s belly at the end of the meal.
During Ryan & Emily’s overly familiar first date convo, I tune out and instead get into a twitter convo with one of my most favorite Bachelorette bloggers – possessionista. This ranks right up there with Mike Fleiss and Ames Brown in terms of my fave twitter responses. (Check it out.)
And I’m back, just in time to hear them mention kids, family and life together. What about pizza toppings, bands you hate and sounds that make you want to pull out your hair (okay, maybe those aren’t great first date topics either but at least it doesn’t involve reproductive parts). Either way, he snags the rose all while wooing sassy southern Emily out. I wanted their conversation about “the chase” to be cute, I did, but all it did was make me feel mildly uncomfortable.
Emily (aka The Producers) couldn’t let the date end this way so they pull a signature move out of the playbook – the concert. It’s a special concert surprise! Well, that’s if you consider Gloriana special (ps – where was the blond girl who used to have the show on MTV?). Gotta love the up and coming artist serenade. There’s only one thing more embarrassingly awkward than being serenaded and that’s being serenaded in the middle of a mob of camera phones on a floating stage. Yup, that happened.
They dance and talk about how “surreal” it all is which leads me to believe an open mouth kiss is imminent. Unfortunately for us all, there is no slobber swap to put a proper end to the date.
Group Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Johm, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Eric, Stevie and Kalan. “Let’s set the stage for love.”
Kalan comes out strong with the first douchey date comment, “I embrace the stage.” Yeah, of course you do. Along with expensive face cream, overpriced lip injections and uni-sex fragrances.
Moving on, it’s time to hit your mark (as Emily so obviously does upon walking on to the stage). Thankfully for us all, there is a surprise…. The Muppets! I mean, c’mon we know someone had to save us from the impending doom that is watching these guys “perform.” And if it has to be the most loveable puppets around (no, not you Ames), then so be it.
The guys split up into groups to practice their routines (although after 10 minutes of this date I still had little to no idea what kind of “show” this is). Some will sing (?), some will dance (?), some will tell jokes (?). All the while, Emily will look insanely gorgeous and play the role of “Seriously Adorable Leading Lady.”
Two highlights from the practice session: Tony’s Kermit impersonation and Fozzie’s appearance. God, I love Fozzie bear.
But Fozzie’s triumphant return to the small screen is interrupted by Charlie’s overwhelming fear of public speaking. Does he have a stutter (don’t act like you weren’t thinking that at home)?
This semi-serious moment is corroborated by a look-in at the guys back at the Casa de Douche discussing Charlie’s accident. It’s like watching a guy version of The Hills.
Charlie freaks out and tells Emily there’s no way he can tell jokes about Muppets on stage tonight. Like the sweet angel she is, Emily totally understands. Thankfully, Charlie doesn’t totally b**ch out and offers to take a part in whatever the other two groups are doing (again, is it singing, dancing, acting? so confused).
It’s show time and Bruno Mars, I mean Jef, is super pumped about performing with Kermit. Hit it!
The show mainly consists of Emily wearing cute outfits and swaying to the beat while Kermit and Miss Piggy run around her which, I’m totally cool with. The guys sing (if you want to call it that), dance (if you want to call it that) and tell jokes (if you want to call them that). The definite highlight was Chris Harrsion sitting in for Waldo, well that and Fozzie Bear.
The performance closes with Little Ricky taking the stage (well of course she does, she’s the real star of this show) to sing “Rainbow Connection” with Kermit. The guys all “Oooh” and “Ahhh” over how cute and precious Ricky is while she shoots them death stares in between cute shrugs.
On to the drinking portion of the group date.
It’s time to up the ante (and their BAC) and enjoy a little cocktail hour.
First up, Chicago Chris. I’m not overly enthused although I find him far more appealing than half the guys so let’s see what happens. Drew on the other hand is already ruling him out, “You’re not gonna cut it bud. She’s from CaroooolIIIIInaaaah and she’s definitely not dating some Yankee.” (In case you’re wondering, my husband isn’t a total redneck, only a partial one although judging from that statement the red part may be growing.)
Emily digs Chris cause he’s cute and not showy which in television terms means he’s pretty boring.
Onto Jef, who for some reason Emily REALLY digs. Emily is all self-conscious wondering why Jef hasn’t been picking up what she’s been putting down so far. They both blush as they awkwardly talk about how much they like each other. I hide under the sofa cushions and wonder out loud how Jef managed to escape from One Direction.
In other news, Kalan continues to be creepy, Stevie defies the odds and is still on the show and Aaron is still wearing those hipster science nerd glasses.
But it’s bed time and Emily is through with this nonsense so she slips the rose to Jef and gets out of dodge.
One Night Only: Joe “Come close to my heart.”
Emily is excited for her date with Joe who she thinks looks like Matthew McConaughey. Um Emily, please. He is James Van Der Beek’s long-lost twin.
Anyways, Joe is hype for the date and dons his best plaid shirt since he’s done his research and knows she’s a sucker for a dopey guy in plaid.
He arrives at the airport and you know his mind is racing thinking of all the amazing places they could be heading. Instead, she bursts that bubble with a surprise trip to West Virginia. “Ahhhh Mannnn.”
But Joe gets it together and after a quick stare at Emily in that dress, gets as excited as anyone has ever been to go to West Virginia.
Emily tells Joe she’s taking him to the Greenbrier, a lovely resort where she spent a lot of time growing up. (Really? I’m not buying the whole Greenbrier bit. I’m thinking they came there once on family vacation but who’s to say.)It’s also where she got her “first makeover.” (I can’t make this stuff up.)
They spend the day wandering around, swimming in the old indoor pool and getting dressed up.
Emily thinks Joe is dreamy and I think Joe is high. But enough about that, it’s dinner time.
Quick dance break. Back at the sausage factory, the guys sit around the pool and flex. Between sets, Kalan and Doug get into a fight about being a dad. I’m only half paying attention but it boils down to Kalan acting like a dick (obviously) and Doug getting super pissed and really protective of his role as a Dad. Get used to this story line people, it’s definitely going to be a reoccurring one.
Joe sneaks in a quick hit and is ready for an evening with the lovely E. The dinner conversation is painful at best and heinously awkward at worst. Joe treats the date convo like a business meeting he didn’t prepare for and throws out so much jargon I can’t follow his train of thought.
Emily tries to get things back on track by telling him about the love clock and how people put their wishes into it (what, so weird). It seems like at this point she knows that she’s going to get rid of Joe but still makes him go through the process of writing out his feelings for her to place in the clock. As he talks about coming back with Ricky Tick and Emily’s parentals, the SE goosebumps set in and I have to shield my eyes from what’s about to go down.
Emily is trying to let Joe down slowly but he’s all, “Is there a but coming?” (That’s what she said.) She tells him he’s not getting the rose and he gets the hell out of there. ABC, not one to put their romantic fireworks to waste, let’s them explode into the air as a representation of how this date imploded.
Side note: I’m going to need Emily to step up her game and not be so damn boring. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 30 times already – I’ve got high hopes for you Emily. Don’t let me down!
It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… some camera time for Arie. They talk about Scottsdale and he throws in some bit about loving kids. I’m not really paying attention to the words and mostly just trying to soak up his awesomeness for a couple of minutes.
Next up is Ryan, so sneaks in some time with Emily despite already having a rose. This ALWAYS is an issue and the guys are super annoyed. They all tell Tony he should go interrupt. But of course, just as he walks in Ryan presents Emily with a note. And by note, I mean 7 PAGE ESSAY (!!!!) thanking her or declaring his love or something. I thought I liked Ryan but any guy that writes SEVEN pages after one date needs to chill the f out. Either he has the biggest handwriting ever or he needs to spend more time poolside.
Tony is forced to watch on as Emily reads every, single word out loud. WOOF.
Thankfully it ends and Emily, as sweet as ever, makes a joke about the letter and thanks him for sticking around.
I’m not ready to give up on Tony just yet (for some reason I kinda like him) but the way he talks is a little annoying. Mostly the way he said he had a son and how he pronounced “TAAAYYYYLOOOOOR.” But he loves the Muppets, so he’s cool in my book.
The rest of the night includes Kalan being a tool (shocker), Stevie being semi-annoying (double shocker) and Aaron still wearing those lame old glasses.
Ryan & Jef already have roses. Two guys going home….
- Kalan – BOOO.
- Arie – YES!
- Nate – Never saw him this episode.
- John aka The Wolf
Aaron is SO heated. I might actually care if I didn’t have to look at him in those awful glasses.
- Stevie. WHAT THE WHAT?
How in the world did Stevie get a rose (oh i know the answer – the producers are drawing out this Stevie/Kalan battle)? Aaron and Kyle are headed home.
Kyle had some bad jokes and Aaron had those bad glasses. Sucks to be them.
Blah, blah, blah… I want to find love. Tears welling, exit to limo.
Get excited friends… next week they go to DOLLYWOOD! Oh and it looks like there’s some drama too. Double Bonus!
What did you all think of this week’s episode? Are you loving Emily? Who’s your favorite? What’s the 411? What are all the cool kids talking about? (Sorry, I couldn’t help but sneak in a Mean Girls reference.)
Until next time… stay tuned!