It’s Tuesday morning, which means it’s time to pick apart every awkward, embarrassing and just plain weird thing that happened on last night’s episode of “The Bachelor.” The departure of resident Queen Crazy Michelle made it a little harder to spot the crazy but there were still all kinds of embarrassing encounters (Thank you Brad Womack). Oh and Chantal’s still on the show so she’s always good for a few uncomfortable “I Love You’s.” But is it bad to say, I missed Michelle a little bit? I was comforted by the fact that I know I’ll get to see her crazy/beautiful self on the next season of “Bachelor Pad.”
This episode got going quick with a hometown visit in Seattle with good ole Chantal O. who decided that for this date, she wanted to give off the sexy-sleuth look by channeling her favorite cartoon character Daphne fro m Scooby-Doo. I love a good scarf as much as the next girl, but wasn’t that thing knotted a little tight around her neck. I just wanted to reach through the TV and loosen it up a little.
So they meet up in a park, blah, blah, blah and then they head over to Chantal’s abode. This is where we get to meet her animal family of Boca and whatever those two cats are named. At this point, I was getting kind of bored. I had nothing for the blog except a scarf comment and then Brad looks dead into camera in his confessional interview and let’s out my favorite line of the season, thus far.
“Hopefully Boca’s a good judge of character because i want to be Boca’s friend.”
Well of course you do Brad. What’s more important than befriended a girl’s cat-dog. (Just as a side note, Boca is just a knock-off version of Jiggy from RHOBH – team Jiggy all the way.) So Chantal gets antsy and is ready to leave her tiny pad to head over to her folks house. She wants to make sure Brad knows how rich her folks are in case his businesses go bad and they need a bail-out.
So I figured Chantal’s parents were rich but DAMN that is a SERIOUS house. And that entryway you could easily walk a giraffe through their front door. Brad, Chantal and her family looked like little ants from the camera angle they were filming at from the second floor. So we get down to the awkward family dinner interactions. I was happy to see that Chantal’s dad looked as uncomfortable as I feel when Chantal said that she loves Brad. Then the Dad and Brad one-on-one goes down and they’re bonding over the self made man statue and loving the fact that they both used to carry bricks. Yawn. I am bored. When do we go to the morgue?
So Dad and Brad are besties while Chantal and her Mom (who looks pretty well preserved and not too odd from some serious plastic surgery) talk about being in love in the most gigantic sitting room ever.
Moral of this hometown date, Chantal is rich and her folks aren’t that bad.
Now it’s off to Maine (who knew?) to visit Ashley H.’s family. What are the chances that two of the final home town dates would be so close to Canada?
I feel like Brad was just introduced to an entirely different girl. Ashley H. is like one of those toddler pageant girls all amped up on pixie-sticks. I am exhausted watching her, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be around this cheerleader on speed version of Ashley.
I mean, there’s clapping and jumping and yelling and lots and lots of sharp arm movements. Just thinking about it is wearing me out.
Between the cheering, Brad and Ashley eat some gravy fries and Brad sounds like an idiot when he says “Si” instead of “Oui.” Then they head out on a little drive in the ole Ford Escape. I am not lying when I say that I got winded from watching that scene of them in front of town’s sign. So much jumping, exaggerated smiling and yelling. It was just too much and they haven’t even gotten to her family yet… I am nervous.
So they walk in to Ashley’s house and her family promptly does their family cheer (okay, i made that up but it doesn’t seem totally out of the realm of possibilities). After brief introductions, the H. family gathers around Brad on the sofa and begs him to read them a story. Okay, I made that up too but honestly, do they only have one couch? There were like 4 people on the couch and then Ashley’s mom is awkwardly sitting on the floor in front of him. You know Ashley’s dad was off on the side like, “What the F is happening her?”
So after some more cheering and story telling, Brad goes off to talk to her dad and this is where I start to notice a pattern. Is Brad dressing like each Dad in an attempt to befriend them? Keep this in the back of your mind, as we will revisit this a little later.
Thankfully nothing else really happens, Ashley’s tatted up sister makes a toast thanking Brad for picking her sister. I’m sure she meant well but it comes out sounding like no dude has ever picked Ashley and they are happy someone’s finally come along for their spinster sister.
Ashley, with the combined energy of a puppy and a 12 year old at a Justin Bieber concert, then wraps Brad in a giant bear hug, does a love cheer and sends him back to a part of the country where Americans don’t speak French everywhere.
And then I realize that s**t’s about to get good because Shawntel is on deck.
The producers on The Bachelor know what’s up. They kick things off with her family’s funeral home commercial. LOVE IT. Then we roll right in to a shot of Shanwtel wandering through the mausoleum spouting off this little gem of a comment, “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl.” Fun fun fun.
Not gonna lie, I got a huge kick when Brad said “It’s beautiful here” and she says “I know, right?” thinking that he’s talking about the funeral home and he quickly corrects her and is like “Hell no, this place is weird as hell. I was talking about Chico.” (Comment may contain dramatization). Clearly Brad is weirded out. Hell, I’m weirded out too. This date will 100% go down as the weirdest, oddest, most unromantic date in Bachelor history and we haven’t even embalmed Brad yet.
The tour starts out to the hole in the wall Brad and Shawntel can spend eternity together if he picks her. Then we move on to the spot where his dead body can be burned if he picks her (if cremation is what he is interested in) and finally, we stop at where his dead body can be embalmed if he picks her (again, that’s a personal choice on his part.) Shawntel looks so excited. “Pick me and we can spend eternity together – yay!” The look on Brad’s face says it all, Shawntel – this creepy date is going to be the end of you.
Shawntel then goes on to wax poetic about her love of embalming. Some people love crafting, some people love photography, others love to run. Shawtel loves to embalm in her free time. YIKES.
I don’t know what possesses Brad to lay down on that embalmig table, but he does and Shawntel asks, “Are you creeped out?” Thankfully Brad answers for all America when he emphaticlly says YES.
Quick side note: How many of her boyfriends have gone to see her “job”? Clearly this is the way to her heart. One session on that prep table and it is true love. Take note men of Chico looking to score (who aren’t afraid of a little morbid foreplay). Finally, we get to leave and thus concludes the most awkward, the weirdest and the most morbid hometown date ever.
So we head on over to Shawntel’s house and meet her folks. First thing I notice, her dad has paired a button down with a pull-over sweater (which compliment his mustache nicely). Then I look at Brad. Okay for real. Someone must be tiping him off on what the dads are wearing. Chantal’s dad was in a Miami-style button down shirt, collar open, so was Brad. Ashley’s dad was in plaid flannel, so was Brad. Now Shawntel’s dad is in a sweater and a collared shirt combo and SO IS BRAD. This s**t is weird.
So then comes the family chat. Ruh Roh. Shawntel’s dad is NOT COOL with her moving to Austin. He is laying down the guilt trip and is getting real about her taking over the death business. Brad looks uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfrotable feeling you used to get when you were at a friend’s house and their parents started to yell at them. You don’t know what to do or say so you just stand there frozen. That’s what just happened to Brad.
The Shawntel and daddy-o sit down for a one-on-one and he lays down the heavy guilt trip. Shawntel keeps saying she loves Brad and things happen for a reason and she’s taking a leap of faith (she says that like five times). And Dad is like, nope, nope, nope. You are taking over this business whether you like it or not. I need to retire so I can take this mustache around the world. It looks like her dad is about to embalm her and prop her up in the funeral home so she can run it. But really, shouldn’t Shawntel have addressed this before bringing Brad to dinner. What about the other two kids (who look NOTHING like Shawntel)? Do they not embalm in their spare time?
Thankfully, this date finally ends and we get to move on to the best part – Emily!
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – I heart Emily. She is the best and her daughter is so cute (even if her name is Ricky). My heart melts a little bit when mom and daughter are reunited. Then my husband reminds me that I’ve gone soft and before I had a kid I would have probably made fun of her. I smack him and tell him that he’s talking over Emily, which is strictly prohibited in my house.
So then Brad throws in that if this all works out, he could be little Ricky’s step-father. I automatically hate that he calls her Little Ricky. First because I think it sounds like a Latin boy band but second because it was the name of an Adam Sandler movie about the son of the devil. (Also Emily calls her the most country nick name ever – Ricky Tic – I secretly love it.)
Cue the picnic date. Never saw that one coming. Brad and Emily on a picnic date? That’s so out of character for them. But this time they’ve got a little rug rat with them and she is having none of it. Brad then let’s the audience know this is an awkward situation. NUH UH? FOR REAL? This whole show is one giant awkward situation Brad. I’m glad it just took you two seasons to figure that out. Thankfully he brought her a present. Because why not buy a child’s love?
Other than that, I have no hate for this date. Emily’s house is so cute. I adore that she served drinks out of a mason jar and I almost thought their little Candy Land family game night was precious. ALMOST. My only beef is that Brad decides, at this moment, that he is too much of a gentle man to kiss her. Uh, excuse me? I’m pretty sure you’ve rammed your tongue down every 20-something girls on this show’s mouth. NOW you decide that you’re too good of a guy for that. Emily is not buying it and thankfully takes charge of the situation (and tells Brad to man up) and kisses him.
So let’s wrap this up. They head off to NYC where Chris Harrison finally gets some face time. For a minute, I thought they had left him in Costa Rica.
Brad gazes into the framed pictures of the final four and then we make a smoooth transition to the rose ceremony where we are hit smack in the face with Chantal’s hideous get-up. WOOF. What is she wearing? First off, what is that hair? It’s like the combined both Princess Leia buns and glued them to the top of her head. Second, she looks like a satin stuffed sausage and her bra definitely doesn’t fit. Now, I may not be in tip top shape, but you can expect two things if my butt is on national TV. 1. I would be working out like a mad woman. 2. I would make sure that all outfit choices are as flattering as possible (See Ali F. from The Bachelorette for reference).
Other observations – Emily has the WHITEST teeth ever – are they capped? Shawntel is dressed a little morbid. The high collar is giving off a Wednesday Adams vibe.
As everyone at home figured – it came down to the Chantal/Shawntel’s. I knew it wouldn’t happen but i was hoping that Brad would send desperate Chantal O. home but it came down to a battle of the dad’s. Chantal’s was rich and loved masonry (who knew that would go over so big?) and Shawntel’s loved dead people. Point Chantal.
So Shawntel goes home with her dignity and that booty that compares to the Kardashians and definitely can be used as a table. Minimal crying. I like it.
Let me know what you all thought of this week’s episode. Wasn’t my favorite but I know we are in for some good stuff next week when things get hot and heavy with the introduction of the FANTASY SUITE (definitely thought Michelle would hang around long enough to take advantage of that but I was wrong). Get hype.
Until then… stay tuned!