In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.
ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.
Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.
Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)
So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)
Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.
Meet the Maynards
First impressions of the Maynards:
- Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
- David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
- Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)
Kicking it Old School with Jef
Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.
After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it). But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.
Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.
Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.
And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef
Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.
Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.
Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).
I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.
Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!
So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving
kissing Emily more than anything.
Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.
Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.
“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.
Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)
With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)
Let’s Talk it Over
With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)
Decision Making Time
Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.
Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.
They site down and the convo goes like this:
Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.
Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.
And so they do.
They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).
Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).
Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?) Maybe time to call this one.
They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.
Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!
We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….
… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.
Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves
kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.
Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).
Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.
Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.
To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.
Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.
The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.
oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong.
I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.
Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.
And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.
Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.
After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.
Let’s Get Married
Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.
The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.
I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.
Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.
As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.
Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)
Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!
Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!
They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!
And then it happens…. This song happens.
Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?
I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.
Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!