Tag Archives: Crying

What NOT to do when Dating. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 6 Recap

This week we’re in Panama City and would you be shocked if I told you it was a perfect place to fall in love?

Other notes from the preview… Kacie B. sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West when she laughs, Courtney will once again expose her ta-ta’s and there will be crying.

Let’s go!

Team Dating is So fun! (Image: ABC)

We know the girls made it because we get a glimpse of home video footage (Where do they keep the rest of this footage? Can they do a special using only this footage? Would we get to see what they look like without makeup? So many questions – so few answers.). We know Ben made it cause his Jeep pulls up intact to the fancy hotel. (Where has he been? Does he go four-wheeling in every location? Does he exclusively drive Jeeps?)

The girls settle into the suite which gives Courtney time to knock on all her bunk mates (eye twitch and embarrassing shoulder shrug included).

Ben saunters in to set the girls aflutter, drops the date card and flees before the girls can tackle him.

Kacie B. – Will our love survive? Pack three things.

Kacie has clearly hit the “I never thought I’d make it this far” part of her wardrobe because she is rocking booty shorts and belly top (I don’t care if they are supposed to be making a come back  – if you’re over 22, belly tops should be a no-no). Not only is her outfit atrocious but someone (cough cough Blakely) needs to help her fix her poof.

They hop into the standard mode of transportation and head off on a journey to a deserted island. WHICH by coincidence (or not) was featured in last week’s 48 Hours Mystery. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

So once alone (and by alone I mean accompanied by the crew and producers) Ben and Kacie B. must share the three items the packed.

Kacie B. packed a stuffed monkey, because she’s really 7-years-old, a corkscrew because she needs liquor to hold a conversation and a bag of candy, see item #1.

I can’t even focus on what Ben brought because Kacie is so ridiculous. For the next 5 minutes, they run around the island digging, chopping coconuts and squealing about being “all alone.” Thankfully, they’ll be “rescued” soon for their dinner date.

Side note: her bathing suit is cute.

On to dinner where I take back everything nice I just said about her bathing suit after seeing this one-shoulder, tie-up, shirts are not dresses number. AND, can someone please get these two a comb and some oil blotting sheets. Yikes, they are SWEATY.

Date Card Break In.

Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This means that Blakely and Rachel will be heading into the Bachelor Battle Royal.

Rachel, like a normal person, has tons of anxiety about the most awkward third wheel date. Blakely on the other hand is used to performing in front of girls and is psyched for the big date.

Back on the date I am massively distracted by the high levels of frizz on this date. Moving on, Kacie B. decides to lock-up the rose by spilling a story about having an eating disorder in high school. I’m not trying to make light of the situation but c’mon what girl didn’t have an eating disorder in high school for a year.

Ben finds her story endearing and gives Kacie B. the rose. This thrills Kacie to no end, “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” REALLY? Who talks like that? Are we sure she’s not a first grade teacher?

While I was pondering, these crazy kids made their way to the middle of the street to tongue kiss.

End Scene.

Group Date Time  – Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This date is all about exploring Panama (and each others bodies) and seeing river and jungles and river jungles. Ben’s words, not mine. Swears.

Each of the ladies busted out their shortest cut-off jean shorts in preparation for a day of fun with Ben. It’s time for the annual let’s do something nice with the natives date.

Jorts for everyone! (Image: ABC)

The soccer playing kiddos lure them in and then abandon them where they’re subsequently lead off and prepared to be sold into the South American sex trade.

Okay but really, they’re supposed to change into some tribal garb that can or cannot be worn with a bikini. Courtney, of course, choose the latter and “goes native.” This causes the rest of the girls (including me) to chatter endlessly about what a loose whore Courtney can be.

While the other girls get their hate on, Ben is very appreciative of her lady bits.

In between the black bars covering Courtney’s ta-ta’s we hear a little of Emily’s Spanish skills and sneak a peak at some tribal tattooing. All of this is eclipsed, once again, by Courtney. she decides to band Ben with a sweet little B+C = Heart.

Me Ben, You Mine. (Image: ABC)

Honestly, I’m getting tired of Courtney and her smirking and her mouth twitches and tics. And her endless commentary. I understand it makes good television but she is just getting to be out of control ridiculous. And beyond that she’s bitchy and annoying. And BEYOND even that, her act is getting tired.

After Courtney shakes her naughty bits all over Ben part one of this date is FINALLY over.

On a side note: I would have liked to have seen a little more interaction with the natives and a little less Courtney. But I think I may have already addressed that. (Wait, have I told you all how I feel about Courtney?)

Part Deux:

It’s time for the standard swimming pool cocktail party and Ben is looking forward to a night of “appreciating” the women. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After a toast to “going with the flow” (didn’t he just say that to Kacie B. – bygones) which is code for “keep your crazy under control.”

First up to bat, Lindzi. This little lady is determined to get things going again with Ben since their one-on-one was eons on ago in Bachelor time. To accomplish this she’s decided to sit as awkwardly close to him as possible. Add on that she just called Ben her “boyfriend” (WOAH WOAH WOAH there missy) and we’ve got ourselves a nice combo of SE. They bring up her trip to dumpsville (is this round two) and the conversation dwindles. So they move past the talking and feeling sharing and straight to the kissing.

Does my forehead look werid? (Image: ABC)

BREAK IN THE ACTION.

Back in the suite, the date card arrives. Rachel looks like a giant ball of nerves while Blakely is doing wind sprints in the hallways gearing up for her big night.

The card arrives and Kacie B. dangles the bait in front of them… Save the last dance for me.

So there will be dancing involved. Well we all know that this bodes well for Blakely (or does it? could those VIP cocktail waitress moves work against her?) who gets paid to dance and not in the classy ballet way.

She’s super hype about the date, I know this because she wails “I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to dance” right in Rachel’s face. Game on bitch. No one messes with Rachel and gets away with it.

Returning poolside, Courtney takes her first stab at Ben. She spends their time together whispering into/licking his ear while repeating the phrase “skinny dipping” as many times as possible. It’s come down to the power of the lady parts and Courtney is not afraid to use hers.

Side note: If Ben doesn’t choose Courtney whoever he did chose has to be HEATED watching this. This segment here is the reason why none of these relationships have worked in the past. Their either based entirely on skinny-dipping or the “winner” is forced to watch the mindless make outs and junk bumping. (Sorry that phrase was disgusting but I’m leaving it in there for some reason.)

It’s come to the point where I can no longer listen/focus on anything Courtney says. All I see are the tics, shoulder shrugs and mouth movements that make we want to punch her through the screen.

I jump back to reality in time to see Courtney messing with his hair (and noticing how similar their mops are), some kissing and we’re out.

On to Jamie (how is she still here?) who decides to go big or go home (WAY more on that later). Little Orphan Jamie has plans for a big smooch with Ben. Unfortunately for her, the Evil Queen Courtney has other plans. So while they chat (and by they I mean while Jamie has verbal diarrhea), Courtney creeps up, sits down and stares at them. Then she takes her cover up off, then she jumps in the pool, then she yells “HEY!” then I stab her in the eye. Sorry, train of thought caught up with me there.

It doesn’t end there. She proceeds to get out of the pool and then lie on a chair caressing herself (WOOF CITY!). Clearly her witchcraft and wizardry catch Ben’s eye and he’s lured into her evil spell.

And because no Mean Girls reference has ever been more appropriate than now: “evil takes a human form in {Courtney}. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.” That’s truth right there straight from the lips of Janice Ian.

And just like that Courtney single-handedly eliminates Jamie (but if not for her those stripper shoes would have surely sent her home).  On to Emily, who has made a resolution to keep her Courtney bashing to a minimum. Let’s see how she’s progressing.

They sit down and Emily decides to break some serious news. There’s a man in her life. A big, strong man filled with love & affection and it’s… THE CHIEF.

Well played Emily. Well played. I’m thinking I may be starting to like her again. They chat (and we later find out, Emily raps), they make amends and then seal it with a big, wet, sloppy open mouth kiss. Take that Courtney.

So this is what happens when you keep crazy under control. (Image: ABC)

Enough about all the kissing though, it’s rose time. Lindzi with her fake tan and heavy eye liner and girlish personality get the rose. This infuriates Courtney and causes her to show her first sign of weakness.

The Queen Bee heads back to her room where she preps since she is 100% sure that Ben will stopping by. He doesn’t. I think she may have cried. Nice Work Ben.

Next Stop – The Dreaded Two on One. Blakely vs. Rachel. Slutty vs. Sweet. Cheap vs. Cute. (I could go on but this post is getting LONG).

We’re going to break down the insane awkwardness of the two-on-one into two distinct parts.

Awkward, No this isn't awkward. (Image: ABC)

The Dancing – Ben & the ladies are learning the salsa. One lady must sit aside and watch while the pair dance oddly in the middle. They each get new salsa ‘fits – cute, fun & flirty for Rachel. Ugly, tacky, pink and prom-style for Blakely. Those descriptions can also sum up each girl on this date. Rachel acts adorable, fun and awesome (can you tell she’s my favorite) while Blakely dances slutty, acts WAY too excited and is generally annoying. (Did you see those stripper pole moves?)

Is this slutty? (Image: ABC)

The Dinner -Here’s where things got real. Each girl gets their time alone with Ben. Rachel is up first and is her normal, charming self. She lets Ben know she isn’t as forward as Blakely but that she really likes him (lord only knows why). She then spills all of her feelings out into his mouth and with an open mouth kiss we’re through.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the cop car lights reflecting on their faces during this date? Must have filmed in a dodgy neighborhood.

On to Blakely. Blakely acts like a 13-year-old girl on her first date… with Justin Bieber. She is WAY too exthusiastic. She goes ON and ON and ON and ON about all her feelings for Ben. She talks about falling in love with him and then she does it. She breaks out her scrap book. Yes, Blakely has been making a scrap book of her journey with Ben. (Apparently scrapbooking is one of the optional activities for the girls when they’re not on dates. They just throw a big wad of magazines, color pencils, construction paper and glue sticks in the room and watch what happens.)I mean that thing was CREEPY. I half expected her to flip to the last page where she had pasted their pictures on to wedding pictures or something. Yikes. Yikes Yikes.

As my best pal Kelly said (via g-chat), “scrapbooks are the kiss of death.” I’m going to take it one step further and say any arts & crafts project would have done it. I mean, really, that thing was BAD. Did you all see Ben’s face? I mean even Shaggy couldn’t keep it together. He was definitely hoping for a surprise CH pop in right then. All I can say is YIKES.

YAY For Rachel! (Image: ABC)

And just like that it’s rose time, yup right at the dinner table. It’s a face-off, a show-down, who will it be? Blakley’s overconfidence and crafting skills did her in and Rachel snags the rose. Oh lord, here it comes. Blakely, who has just poured her heart out to Ben, loses it. She is out of there like a bat out of hell (and I respect that, no stupid hand holding for her). She’s all sobbing and I just wish it would end. Wasn’t the scrap book misery enough?

Rose Ceremony Day

There’s a quick prelude to today’s rose ceremony. CH FINALLY makes an appearance (Where has he been? Doesn’t he know that we need him for guidance and direction?) and the girls are all like “What the what is Chris H doing here? This can’t be good.” They all try not to make eye contact until he finally reveals he’s there for a chat with Kacy S. Ah HA! I knew she couldn’t really be enjoying this charade.

Chris kindly pulls Kacy aside (couldn’t they let the girl grab some shoes?) and tells her that he knows about Michael. Her non-committal lover from back home.

Kacy fights back telling CH that Michael doesn’t love her and she’s looking for marriage. CH isn’t buying it and after a quick exchnge he gets to the point (like only he can) – “Are you still in love with him?” She fesses up and then CH drags her off to Ben’s room so she can confess to him to (“Gah, Dad! Do I haaavvvee to?”). They get to Ben’s room and he is notably surprised (although he shouldn’t have been – there were like 3 camera men in his room). CH pushes Kacy in and makes her spill the beans. Ruh roh.

CH cozies up along side the duo (“Don’t mind me!) while Kacy shares the nitty gritty. Ben is not sugar coating these scooby snacks and he tells Kacy to hit the road. And just like that another one bites the dust.

Cue the SE.

Side note: Does anyone else think Kacy kinda looks like a prettier Paris Hilton?

Okay, so CH tries to be nice (this is no Justin “Rated R” Rego we’re talking about) and consoles Kacy while simultaneously pushing her out of the building. The crying is immediate and never stops. Lots of blabbering on about never finding love and having to start all over again. I could only catch some of it. Partly because I was hiding behind my couch and partly because she was seriously hard to understand. One thing’s for sure though – Looks like this little lady will be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad.

Once Kacy is off the property, CH stops back in with the girls to let them know the news. He also reminds them that the cocktail party is coming up quick so they need to get ready STAT.

The Cocktail Party

Ben arrives and let’s the girls know he has  feelings for everyone. So let’s get kissing!

Nicki is up first. She hand molests him while taking about her intense feelings. They middle school dance and then decide to tongue kiss. Check.

Next up is Jamie. And here is where things get bad FAST. Jamie is determined to make up for the Courtney incident on the group date. She chugs about six cranberry and vodka’s and is ready to show Ben what she’s working with.

Doing her best impression of the Micro Machine Man, Jamie spills her feelings. FAST. She tells him she is going to do what she wants to him (yes, she said that) and straddles him which she says is Fancy (she learned the word from the Reba song so you can understand how she doesn’t quite know the definition). Before I can look away in horror and embarrassment, I hear the sound of her dress ripping. The verbal diarrhea continues and she is uncontrollably saying anything and everything that enters her mind as it relates to Ben.

IreallylikeyouandIwanttobesexyforyouandshowyouhowmuchIwanttobehereandspendtimewithyouandkissyou.

SOMEONE TELL HER TO STOP TALKING!

At this point, Drew has built a pillow fort around himself while I am using my laptop to shield my eyes from the train wreck occurring on screen.

And it doesn’t stop. She goes in for a kiss and starts giggling. Ben is starting to get annoyed and is like “Stop laughing you wackado, I’m trying to get you to shut up with a little tongue and you keep ruining it.”
This girl is an enigma, even Ben’s signature kissing move won’t hold her back.

She’s not going to let Ben escape so easily though. They MUST kiss (or she’ll keep talking forever) so they try again. But this time Jamie gives directions. A LOT OF DIRECTIONS. Will it be open or closed mouth? With or without tongue?
“LORD ALMIGHTY – JUST KISS” I yell at the scream while Drew asks anxiously, “Is it over? I’m not looking until it’s over.” Finally. FINALLY! Ben puts a stop to the madness and we escape.

Rose Time

Kacie Lindzi and Rachel all have roses.

1 odd man out.

Ben’s been thinking a lot about the journey and trust (of course he has), so here we go.

  • Nicki
  • Courtney – NOOOOO!

Who will it be Jamie or Emily (PLEASE SAY EMILY!)

  • Emily

 

Well it was officially clean out the crazies night on The Bachelor. Jamie and her endlessly talking are dunzo.

She goes out in a ball of tears and insecurity and this week’s madness is over. Next stop on the crazy train, Belize!

Whoosh, we made it.

Well we learned this episode that dating scrapbooks are never a good idea, always let the other person talk and no kissing instruction manuals are given on this show.

Oh and we also learned that Emily is still rapping (only redeemable point was including the bit about Ben’s frizzy hair).

What did you think of Jamie’s madness? Blakely’s scrapbook? Courtney’s tribal wear?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Taking Down the Mob. MTV The Challenge: Rivals Recap

 

Do you all know how much I hate a “To Be Continued” episode? Unless I have part two DVR’ed and ready to go, it’s one of my least favorite things. I am far too impatient to wait around for what’s coming up next. So I was none too pleased when I was left hanging by the good ole Bunim Murray team. But let’s get back to the beginning.

So at the start of the episode, everyone is pretending they don’t hate each other to partake in a toga party. The gang all decide to relive their college years (which are getting farther and farther away for some of these guys and gals) with some homemade togas, war paint and giant candle holders for cups. Paula, the moral compass of the show, must sloppily tongue-kiss Michael (who must be about 12 years her junior) to enter the party. TOGA!

Are you my mommy? (Photo: MTV)

After drinking away any last shreds of dignity, the gang pack up their gear to head south to Buenos Aires, Argentina (but not before Michael rages out for getting cookies throw at him). Watch out Argentina, I don’t think you are prepared for what’s about to hit you.

The crew arrives at a sweet little Villa that they promptly destroy in a booze-filled night of aggression. Everyone’s just having a good ole mattress fight when Wes has to turn it into a giant mess. After letting us know that he finds Cara Maria to be “insecure,” he decides to show us all how mature he is by dumping a two liter of Pepsi on her head. If that doesn’t say mature adult, I don’t know what does.

Is Cara Maria related to Jack Sparrow? (Photo: MTV)

Cara Maria gets her feelings hurt and this plus being a little over-served causes her to break out in tears. I genuinely feel bad for her here. She didn’t really do anything and Wes is a total a-hole. Laurel, who continue to grow on me, stands up for her partner and gets a “go girl” from me when she calls Wes a “fire-crotch.” Let the war against the evil ginger begin.

Laurel decides to move beyond the confines of their room with her rage and ends up going on a verbal assault against everyone. I am especially pleased when she goes after Paula’s smug ass. Now I know we’re not supposed to make fun of eating disorders BUT Paula has been a nasty bia to these girls and was asking for it a little bit. So in her loose cannon rant, she basically calls Paula a miserable human being with nothing to live for. Yikes. This obviously opens up the water works for Paula who tells us “You know where you can’t go with me.” Well, Paula where do you stop with other people?

You put that fire-crotch in his place. (Photo: MTV)

Keep in mind, this is all pre-challenge. The group finally hit the hay to rest up for 2.5 hours before their next challenge. At the challenge, my fav T.J. tells them that one member will be tied to the bottom of a helicopter while the other climbs a rope to free them to belly flop into the lake below.

This is basically MTV saying, we know each team has one lame-ass, weak team member. So everyone identifies said weakling and they gear up for action. In a shocking turn of events, CT and Adam are DQ’ed when it appears that the helicopter is doing maneuvers to shake CT off the rope. In an even more shocking and awesome turn of events, Leroy and Michael (mostly Leroy) win in record time. On the girl’s side (if you care), Paula and Evelyn win again and pocket $2K.

Back to the drama. So the dudes (and the mob as a whole) are in a panic. The plan was to send Mike and Leroy in as the sacrificial lambs against CT and Adam but by winning one of the mob teams has to go in. Now the mob must choose who they want to send in: Key West team of Johnny and Tyler or good/bad angel team of Kenny and Wes. My vote is for Wes/Kenny but unfortunately I don’t get a vote.

I hate it when CT doesn't win. (Photo: MTV)

What’s even better is that before the dudes have a chance to fight and bicker about who is going in, TJ tells them they will have to vote on the spot. The Mob is now in mass chaos mode. This group has been incapable of independent thought since 2006, what are they going to do when forced to make an actual decision on their own. The look of terror and panic on their faces is hilarious and I enjoy every minute of it.

So Paula stabs her bestie in the front and picks Johnny and Tyler to head to the jungle. This starts the ball rolling and ultimately it is the Key West posse facing the Paris posse. My money is on team Paris. I’m about to get that anxiety, panicking feeling I inexplicably get before the competition when I realize it’s too late in the show. We’ve only got 8 minutes left, there’s no way we’re getting to the jungle tonight. BOOO.

This is what independent thought looks like. (Photo: MTV)

In true Challenge fashion, we head back to the villa where everyone just starts YELLING. What is it with this show and yelling. I know I am getting old when I can hardly stand the screaming (and don’t even get me started on the commercials they show. I have to hit the mute button every time).  Tyler is pissed at everyone for voting him in, which is basically him trying to mask his fear of facing CT.

Despite the mass hatred, the gang goes out to the club to drink away the stress of being on a vacation for money. The guys continue to bash CT and try to start some drama between he and Adam. I am really hoping Adam doesn’t buy into all their bullshit. Johnny (who has now sued ‘Entourage’ for saying they stole his nickname ‘Johnny Bananas’ for the fake cartoon on the HBO hit) is lame. Plain and simple.

Please MTV, let CT punch Johnny. (Photo: MTV)

Back at the villa, I loved how Leroy totally punked Tyler by calling him out for being scared. I did not love how Tyler responded to said calling out with, “yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.” Um, just because you are talking to the only black guy left on the show does not mean you need to address him with a myriad of “yo’s.” I’ve never heard you say yo ever before, please attempt to hide your obvious racism.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo Stop Talking Like That. (Photo: MTV)

More drinking, yelling, fighting and mishap occurs while CT and Laurel slyly flirt in the corner. I wish these two would just team up (in the biblical sense) and get it over with.

The producers slap us with a “To Be Continued” and just like that it’s over. I am genuinely excited to see CT beat the crap out of one of these dudes. Hopefully Adam doesn’t screw this thing up.

What did you all think? Are you all on the Mob’s side or are you team CT like me? What did you think of Laurel’s fit of rage? Do you think that Tyler will kill Paula in her sleep? Is Johnny Banana’s really bananas?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Filed under The Challenge: Rivals

“I just want a friend.” Learning to Love on The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part II

Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”

So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)

Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing

Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.

Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.

As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.

These guys. (ABC/Victor Fraile)

The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.

It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.

Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.

Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).

Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).

As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.

So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.

Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.

After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)

Aren't crop tops just the cutest?!? (ABC/Victor Fraile)

Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)

As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.

The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…

Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.

Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.

At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?

I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.

So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)

Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.

JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)

Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!

Ashley is all dolled up and ready to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.

A Wooo Ga. A Woooo Ga.

Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.

Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.

Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.

After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.

Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.

Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)

  • Ben F.
  • Constantine

AND…

  • Ames

I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.

Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!

I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?

Until then… stay tuned!

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“The First Day of My Love Story” The Bachelorette Episode 3 Recap Part II

It’s on to part deux of the recap. The second hour of the show had a lot of lows (Bentley, insecure Ashley, more Bentley) but a few highs (JP one-on-one and abbreviated rose ceremony cocktail party). Let’s discuss.

So every preview in the history of this season has led up to this breakup showdown so why not kick it off with Ashley acting reflective in the rain. First off, she is walking/strutting like Pocahontas. No one walks like that. Second, it is raining. Was it really that important to get this too-cheesy for words footage? This footage outrages me so much that I almost miss her lovey-dovey diatribe about Bentley. “Today makes the first day of my love story.” Yikes. I’m pretty sure this isn’t the story you were planning on writing. (Maybe she’s referring to that sad movie that everyone loves with Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw. Doesn’t she die at the end of that?) Kuddos to producers on that set-up.

The only thing better than that set-up is that Bentley was able to borrow the exact plaid shirt Brad Womack wore to break-up with Ashley. So Bentley shows up and Ashley smothers him in desperate hugs. The settle down in her rustic mansion to talk it out. Little did I know at this point, that I would be subjected to conversation that focused primarily on using punctuations as nouns.

Period. No. Dot dot dot.

This whole back-and-forth is interspersed with Bentley’s side douchebaggery. At first its mean in that mildly amusing way (similar to this blog but more douchey) and then it just turns annoying, dull and flat-out boring.

Bentley tells Ashley: I’m going home to be with Cozy.

Bentley tells America: I can’t stand this bia.

Bentley tells Ashley: I just work up this morning and realized I need to be with my family.

Bentley tells America: I woke up this morning and realized I won this little charade and now I’m tired of it.

Bentley tells Ashley: I really care about you.

Bentley tells America: I don’t give a s**t about Ashley or her small boobs.

During this whole back and forth, the thing that made me most annoyed was that Bentley thinks he’s the first person to ever do this. Um, no you’re not. Just like everything this season, you are a rerun too. They only thing that is special about you is that you’ve managed to be the most, annoying and the biggest tool. Actually, the thing that made me the most annoyed was that he used missing his daughter as an excuse but did not say he legitimately missed her once. Not once.

Getting on my high horse: Bentley, do you think this is the way to treat a lady? I’m guessing you wouldn’t be such a big fan of a guy treating your little Cozy the way you’ve treated Ashley. [Steps off high horse and continues with regularly scheduled blog post]

I’m sure Cozy will love learning that her dear Dad used her as an out but never mentioned missing her once in three episodes. I’m thinking we can expect Cozy as a contestant in about 15 years.

The conversation turns to the merits of a “dot dot dot” versus a “period” and I have to take a break from writing to run and vomit. Honestly, having to relive this entire experience is upsetting my stomach.

This whole segment runs about five minutes too long. A few too many crying shots (you know how I feel about crying on camera) , too much Bentley side-commentary, too much Bentley trying to seem sincere, too much Bentley period (definitely no “dot dot dot” there).

Does anyone else think it’s absurd for Ashley to be this upset about a guy she’s been on 3 GROUP DATES with? Not even one-on-ones, GROUP DATES. Be real. You were not in love with him. He was not your future husband. You’ve got like 6 more weeks to convince yourself you’re in love with someone else.

My secondary embarrassment was at an all-time high. The final minutes of this exchange almost caused a panic attack of embarrassment. Drew’s nausea levels were so high that he almost had to switch to the NBA Finals game so we could remember what real life was like (because aren’t super-skilled, unnaturally tall humans making exorbitant amounts of money what real life is all about?).

Just when I’m about to quit this season for good, JP swoops in to save the episode.

In another unoriginal twist, they have an at-home date where they just kick it at Ashley’s pad.  They relax by the fireplace while JP acts perfect, says perfect stuff and just generally acts like the hottie hipster he is. This date is progressing nicely when Ashley has to break in with her sad sack whining, saying “How do I know you’re not gonna break up with me?” Um, Ashley you’re on a dating show. You are “breaking up” with people every week. How the hell does he know you’re not going to break up with him? You don’t. Move on.

swoon.

Ashley’s only moment that’s mildly bearable comes when she says “I can’t believe you’re single.” Neither can I Ashley. What’s more, I can’t believe he’s trying to not be single with you.

JP and Ashley throw on their PJs (bow chick wow wow) and hang out fireside. This date has allowed my mind to rest and focus on the dreaminess that is JP.

JP + Fireside + PJ’s – Ashley = Good TV.

End of story.

I think it goes without saying, he gets the rose.

Rose ceremony:

Raining. again. For some reason the rose ceremonies wear me out.  I think this can be attributed to the fact that my attention span is spent after a two-hour show with Bentley hogging the majority of the screen time with his awfulness.

Ashley stares longingly at Bentley in his plaid and thinks about all her misadventures with douchebags in plaid (there’s a reality tv show idea for you TLC).

Chris Harrison scares Ashley into a chat. Chris and his skinny tie reassure Ashley and tell her there are no rules so she can just cut to the chase if she wants. Um, if there are no rules, why do you explain them to the dudes at the beginning of every episode?

CH brings some value by mocking Bentley’s gay-ass dot dot dot line. It seems Chris has hit his face time quota and it’s on the rose ceremony (Thank the lord. I could not take a cocktail party at this point.)

Roses:

Sun God, Ben C. and JP all have roses.

The other 9 roses (sounds like rules to me) go to:

1.  Constantine.

2. West.

3. Mickey
Where have these dudes been the whole episode?

4. Ben F.  in the bow tie.

5. Dentist

6. Water Polo Nick

7. Ames – Okay, what is with that outfit? His shirt is cutting off circulation to his overly tanned head. And he has a wonky eye.

8.  Lucas. Rich smelling dude.

9. William. He get’s the warning rose. It’s the proverbial – don’t blow it again rose.

Then Chris Harrison steps in and says “If you did not get a rose pack your mask and get the hell out of here.”

The normal dude thankfully takes it like a man and leaves with dignity aka no crying. Ashley apologizes for not being her normal robot cheerleader self. Cheers and we’re out.

That was a marathon. A marathon of embarrassment. I don’t think I can deal with another episode like this anytime soon. What did you all think of the Bentley fiasco? More importantly, how mad are you that JP didn’t get more screen time?

Until next week… stay tuned!

ps. I cannot even deal with the end of show footage of Jeff pooping (in his mask) while Bentley fixes his hair. Just call them the Bachelor Odd Couple. Why didn’t we know these guys were so close until they were both gone?

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Let’s Get Over Served. The Bachelorette Premier Recap Part II

So when we left off, Ashley had just wrapped up her fireside chat with Chris Harrison and was about to head outside to greet her suitors. I generally find the first introductions to be the longest stretch of awkwardness on broadcast television, 20 minutes filled with hair-raising meet cutes (you’ve seen The Holiday, you know what I’m talking about). Except these ones aren’t cute their more like meet weirds.

So let the meet weirds begin!

Limo Numero Uno

No No No. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

1. Ryan P: The sun dude. Ashley has yet to see his intro video so she digs this guy (What tipped me off you ask? It was hard to tell until she kept repeating “You’re so cute” over and over again) I don’t blame her, he is cute and comes off like a normal human.
2. Jon: I notice he’s wearing a weird tie and I’m about to make fun of it when he picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. No. Don’t do that. Any girl can tell you that when you’re wearing a fancy dress, your hair is fixed perfectly and your makeup is on point, you DO NOT want a dude picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder like a bag of dog food. Despite this, Ashley pretends to be amused. She really is too much joy.
3. Lucas: Works in Oil Industry aka Rich Dude from Texas. Ashley comments that he “smells good.” I bet he smells like money and fancy cologne. Or is money what fancy cologne actually smells like?
4. William: Our umbrella impaired friend from Columbus.
5. Mickey: At first I dig that he is being different in an non-creepy, semi-normal way by wearing a tan suit. Then he goes in for a kiss and Ashley, for once, does not hide her distaste for this. Thank you for proving that you are not a cheerleader robot. As he walks away, I notice he pants are a little too short.

Limo Numero Dos

6. Tim:It’s pretty clear he works for a liquor distributor (do what you love. no judging) since he’s tipsy when he gets out of the limo. Then, it what is the most cringe-worthy moment so far, he doesn’t speak. It looks like Ashley feels as uncomfortable as I do watching it from home. Please – MAKE. IT. STOP.
I’m about to curl up in a ball and wish for it to end when he walks away… woo.
7. Ben C.:Ben drops a little french on semi-Canadian Ashley and she likes it. As a student of the language of love myself, I dig it (even though it comes off a little embarrassing on tv) and Ben is a solid lock on 2nd place in my book.
8. Stephen: In another “act out your job” skit, Stephen flips his hair around 16 times while he awkwardly walks up to Ashley where he announces he’s a hair stylist (in case you couldn’t already tell). Then he comments on her hair color and I recoil inside myself. I think it’s over as he turns to leave but then I realize he is the worst walker ever (how can you be bad at that? You’ve been doing it since you were like 1 years old). At least he can walk and hair flip at the same time.
9. Chris D.: The resident young guy decides to rap to show how hip and cool he is. It doesn’t work (shocking right?)

This limo round was pretty rough. Keeping my fingers crossed for…

So what's with the mask? (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Limo Numero Tres

10. West: I’m still not sold on this guy although I’m hearing he’s a fan favorite. I liked the compass gift though, clever and cute. Moving on to…
11. Anthony: So I kind of liked Anthony at first, then he got out of the limo and decided to act like a douchebag. Was he checking himself in the limo window? A
12. Rob: I don’t remember much about this guy other than that he had good teeth. Boring.
13. Ames: Little blazer. Big Ames. He must have got that while pursuing his first of a thousand degrees.
14. Matt. Office supply salesman (Dunder Mifflin employee?). He decides he and Ashley need to be in a secret club with a secret handshake. Woof.
15. MASK DUDE aka JEFF: Is Jeff this season’s Madison? His get-up would have been better with some vampire teeth.

Commercial Break and we’re back for LIMO NUMERO QUATRO

16. Ben: Ben brings his own vino. Other than wishing that he would cut his hair, I’m cool with Ben right now. Mostly cause he’s in a suit and not dressed like a pre-teen.
17. Frank: I’m usually a fan of a good wink. But this one seems forced and then, HE PICKS HER UP. We’ve already discussed why this is bad. “I’m surprised you can carry me!” Seriously Ashley, You weigh 82 lbs. A sturdy 6-year-old could pick you up.
18. Micheal: Their convo about “gassing” sounds odd/strangely sexual. I
19. Chris: He’s Canadian. Enough said.
20. Ryan: Ryan can’t wait to snap some pics to post on Facebook. “Let’s smush our faces together!” Let’s not.
21. JP: If there could be a perfect intro on this show, Ryan just nailed it. The hottie hipster is my favorite. Done and done.
22. Nick: I’d bet money this dude plays or has played water polo. Just look at that hair.
23. Blake: Cute and Quiet. I can work with that.
24. Bentley. Dun Dun Dun. We all know how this is going to play out. Hopefully Ashley won’t let this go on too long.
25. Constantine. He looks exactly like Jason Schwartman. He has long hair. (Why are there so many long-haired dudes on this season?)

Wow, that was a lot of dudes. Chris Harrison is back to remind Ashley that tonight is going to be the night of her life.

Ashley is so excited that she is starting to remind me of Jessie Spano in that classic episode of Saved by the Bell.

Now, most of the time the cocktail party is my favorite. But I wasn’t too impressed. There was a lot of sameness.

Dudes saying the same thing about how pretty Ashley looked. Ashley saying how awesome everyone is.
Luckily, off camera I can hear a guy saying that it will take “guts & nuts” to win Ashley’s heart. Best line of the season so far.

Solar panel dude talks about the sun. Wine dude talks about pinot. Momma’s boy talking about his mom (who calls their mom? Although Gail sounded kind of fun and she clearly loves to party). Ashley being insecure. This episode is dragging… UNTIL Tim goes and gets wasted.

All Aboard! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Without Tim we would have gone this entire episode without a dude fight and some drunk talk. It was so incredibly embarrassing when, after picking a fight, he couldn’t string together two words to say to Ashley. I loved that the escorted him to a mini-van. You know they didn’t want any upchuck in the limos.

Ben speaks french. JP acts dreamy. Nothing too exciting so my mind wanders to considering what is behind the mask. A wonky eye? A hairy mole? A face tat?

I’m brought back to reality when Chris Harrison jumps out from behind a door and drops the first impression rose bait and then the dudes start clamoring for Ashley’s attention even harder. She pins up solar panel Ryan.

We did it! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

The rest of the roses go to:

  • Mask Dude
  • Jason Schwartzman aka Constantine
  • Wine dude Ben
  • Lucas (where did this dude come from?)
  • Matt
  • Water Polo Nick
  • Chris D.
  • Ryan M.
  • Blake
  • Mickey
  • French Ben C.
  • West (not East)
  • William
  • JP (YES!!!!)
  • Ames (She’s digging the degrees)
  • Bentley (Way to drag out the drama ABC)

The rest of the rag-tag team of boy band rejects say bye bye bye and we’re done.

That is until the rejects can act as over dramatic as a 14 year-old girl and talk about how Ashley was the love of their life and they wanted to tell their grandkids about their TV romance. One dude even cries. Really?

I’m glad we’re through the first episode. I need some totally unrealistic dates ASAP.

Until then… stay tuned!

p.s. – Who’s your favorite? Who’s your least favorite?

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It’s Her Party and She’ll Cry Awkwardly if She Wants To – Bethenny’s Birthday Boo-Hoo’s

If you’ve read this blog before, you know how I feel about crying on television. Almost without exception, it gives me secondary embarrassment. I’m not generally a crier but that doesn’t mean I can’t get my boo-hoo’s on every once in a while (pregnancy doesn’t count). The thing is no one looks good crying on television. The whole thing is awkward – the look, the sound, the expressions of those around you – awkward.

So, last night I was catching up on the latest episode of one of my favorite shows, “Bethenny Ever After” (thank you Bravo, for continuously creating addicting reality content) and there were the waterworks. Now if you’ve been watching this season, you know that Bethenny has been a CRYING MACHINE. Seriously, she cries every episode. Crying on her way to a party, crying at home, crying with friends. Lots and lots of crying. But last night’s episode was different. It was worse and painfully awkward to watch. Bethenny crying at her birthday party.

I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t cry at one of my birthday parties. I did. I was in sixth grade and some girl was being mean to me at my birthday slumber party (don’t act like you never had an elementary/middle school birthday breakdown, it happens to all of us). I am hopeful though, that the birthday blues don’t strike at my 40th Birthday party (which is over a decade away, thank you very much). Unfortunately for Bethenny, they hit her hard.

During this episode, we learn that Bethenny isn’t a huge birthday fan. As much as I relate to Bethenny (and I feel like I do on WAY too many levels), this is one thing I cannot comprehend. I am a birthday lover. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my birthday but I am also a huge fan of other people’s birthdays. Really, who doesn’t love a good celebration? Well apparently, Bethenny (and my husband, who seems to throw himself a birthday pity party every year ). Bethenny’s husband, like me, is a huge fan of a fun birthday and plans a fun little surprise for her. This is where the awkwardness strikes. Watch and cringe.

http://widget.bravotv.com/singleclip/singleclip_v1.swf?CXNID=1000004.10035NXC&WID=4657041ec2a2cf53&clipID=1317795

Clearly Bethenny loves attention. I mean, she has her own show. But this kind of attention is, admittedly, a bit uncomfortable. I am on her team when she says she doesn’t like for everyone to stare at her in a circle. I also agree with her dislike of opening gifts in front of other people. Opening presents at my wedding and/or baby showers made me pretty uncomfortable. I hate how everyone is just watching, waiting for your reaction. I digress.

Quick Sidenote: I heart Jason’s parents on this show but how out of place do they look at this party? You know if you were at this party and were talking to them you’d feel all bad about trying to get wasted while trying to hold an adult convo with them. You know they’re trying to talk about babies and families and Brynn while you’re just trying to get your party on. You will now be returned to your regularly scheduled programming.

Unfortunately for us all, Bethenny is unable to just suck it up and take one for the team. So instead of being thrilled with the thoughtfulness of the pink mannequin and the amazingness of the diamond earrings (!!!!!!!!!!), she freaks out. Starts crying and then escapes to the bathroom for an all-out sobfest. And we’re not talking about the tears that just quietly well-up in your eyes. We’re talking uncontrollable, lose your breath weeping. It was almost too much for me to bear AND we couldn’t even see it. She locked herself in the bathroom, so you know it has to be bad when just the sound alone made me want to fast-forward (thank you DVR). All the while, Party Planner Shawn is probably having a shit-fit off camera and secretly wishing he had convinced her to have the bare-chested male models serve drinks while Cirque du Soleil aerialists  serve drinks at the bar ( I am not making that up, he proposed she do that at the party. love it!).

I propose that Bethenny invite me to her next milestone birthday where I will happily lap up the attention, enthusiastically blow out the candles on a delicious cake (ps – how big was her birthday cake? It looked amazing and like it could feed a small army of cake lovers) and accept all lavish gifts with pleasure.

Until then, I will just enjoy all the other similarities I seem to share with Bethenny (similarities do not include being rich and fabulous, having a baby nanny, owning my own company, being a psuedo-celebrity and wearing a size 00).

Stay Tuned!

p.s. friends – do you love your birthday? or do you have bad birthday memories? i’d love to hear stories of your best or worst (share the SE!) birthday moments.

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“I get the warmest feeling that I can’t describe.” The Bachelor Finale. Duh, he picked Emily.

Here we are. The Bachelor Season Finale. We’ve made it through a season of crying, fighting, on-screen open mouth kissing, more crying, NASCAR racing, cotton candy eating and countless helicopter rides. And it’s all come down to Chantal (boooo!) and Emily (yay!).

Let’s do this.

Meet the Womacks: Predictably we open with a montage where we get to see Brad’s love (and Chantal’s bust size) grow.  Brad’s “incredible” (seriously, he says incredible more than any human I know. He says incredible more than I say seriously and I thought that was impossible) journey on his quest to find love (again).

The montages end and I have only one response: Chantal – thumbs down. Emily – thumbs up.

Cue the Chris Harrison superlative line “Coming up on the most unforgettable season finale ever.” Really Chris, unforgettable. I mean I probably won’t forget it. But that’s because I am a deranged reality TV fan. Most people will forget about this season and move on in about two US Weekly cover stories.  I had forgotten about that Molly/Jason thing until the brought them back on the “After the Final Rose” special.

After an endless onslaught of montages, we finally get to (re)meet the Womacks. Of course, Mama Womack is sporting cheetah which bodes well for Chantal. We also learn that one of Brad’s brothers is a member of Rascal Flatts. And finally, we learn that loving plaid is a Womack family trait (he comes by it naturally). After some awkward man crying and stuttering (that seemed almost unending), Chantal thankfully busts through the door like the Kool-Aid man. (Wait, what? That didn’t happen?)

"It's on backwards? Really?" (ABC)

Chantal shows up with her shirt on backwards, ready to kick-it with the Womack clan. And by kick-it, I mean awkwardly tell them how much she loves Brad as many times as she can in one 15 minute period. As Chantal blabbers on to every family member about how in-love she is, I notice that Brad’s twin is cuter and WAY less awkward than Brad. No wonder he’s already married. Mama Womack (or Pamela if you prefer) comes strong with her questions especially when she asks the question everyone at home has been yelling at their TV (just me, really?) all season, “I have to ask, how could you fall in love so fast?” Chantal blubbers through some response and shortly thereafter she is shoved out the door.

So Chad (the good twin) picks up on the crazy vibe Chantal is putting out and let’s his bro know about. I’m glad that the Womack clan is picking up on her inability to keep crazy under control. He tells Brad that her actions “really scream her feelings for Brad.” Which really means, “Dude, this chick is desperate. Run far, far away. Now.”  The Wo’s (I’ve decided i’m calling them that) break it down that Chantal is a little TOO into Brad and he may want to keep his options open. Luckily, Emily is on the way and we all know the Wo’s will love her.

Door bell rings and it’s Emily! Yay! Emily comes in and sprinkles rainbows and happiness on The Wo’s and they are smitten. Within minutes she has the good twin, the Rascal Flatts dude, Prima, the other wife and Mama Wo singing her praises.

She drops the daughter bomb on them and they get a little nervous but then she tells them to sit down for story time where they hear the story of her lost love and their love child, Ricky Tick. They are sold and love her even more. Prima and the other sister want to marry her themselves. Got ‘em.

After Emily dances off into a cloud of unicorns and happiness (after peppering every comment with a sweet southern ya’ll) the family tells Brad if he doesn’t pick her he is no longer a member of The Wo clan. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Brad assures them that Emily is his favorite with the slightly inappropriate line, “I get the warmest feeling that I can’t describe.” I pray out loud that Brad does not go into detail describing that feeling and we head to commercial.

The Final Dates: Chantal characteristically shows up in some booty shorts ready to get her date on. She goes for the run and jump into his arms and I’m thankful that Brad does so much weightlifting ’cause if not, he might be on the ground right now.

Brad asks Chantal to face one of her biggest fears with this last date, stepping away from the buffet, swimming with sharks. As they suit up, I am pretty sure Brad just picked this date for Chantal in the hopes that the girls would pop out of that wet suit. (Seriously, those things are MASSIVE.) Brad says that this is the “perfect” last date for them. I’m guessing because if she gets accidentally eaten by a shark, then it’s no biggie.

Zip those puppies up. (ABC)

The date takes a noticeably awkward turn when Brad and Chantal are forced to actually talk to one another. Brad is clearly uncomfortable and you can clearly tell that he will not be picking her.  Eventually, they head back to the resort where Chantal, in a clear act of desperation (Do not say it was cute. really, don’t), gives him the note and map (of all the countries she’s mealed in) she’s been working on. One good thing we learn though, is that Brad can read.

After a few more awkward “I love you. I pick you. Don’t leave me. You BETTER pick me.” outbursts, Brad leaves. Phew. That was rough.

On to the precious Ms. Emily. She looks like a doll and they head off on their romantic date which surprisingly (!!!) consists of a helicopter ride to a secluded picnic date. Two things. 1. Does ABC own its own helicopter? This is getting a little ridiculous. 2. Haven’t we seen these two on enough picnic dates?

They arrive at their picnic spot (and by picnic spot, I mean one of the more beautiful places on this planet) and Emily contemplates pushing Brad off the cliff but decides that might be in poor taste. So instead, she sits down for an afternoon of wine, cheese and Brad. He confesses that his family loved her. Well, duh. Who doesn’t love Emily? She is definitely NOT surprised (She’s knows Chantal really presents no competition).

Things get sticky  when they head back to the room (Ew, no not like that. Dirty mind). Brad is all antsy. He literally can’t sit still and I think he starts petting Emily again (Sstop that! It’s weird!). Emily brings up Ricky Tick and wonders if Brad is ready to be the father to (and be outsmarted regularly by) a little girl. Brad tells Emily that he is ready to be “Little Ricky’s” (If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Stop, for the love of God, calling her that) Dad. When Emily asks Brad what that means, you can tell that he never really thought about that part. He was just proud he was able to spit out the Dad line. S**T gets awkward, fast. Brad is sweating. Like a lot. When he heads to grab a drink of water, I ponder which nickname is worse, Ricky Tick or Little Ricky. I decide that I prefer the combo – Little Ticky.

Can somebody get me a sweat rag? (ABC)

An uncomfortable mini, unfight (“No, i’m not mad. Are you?”) ensues and after they stare at each other and say “I don’t know what to say” a few times back and forth, Brad leaves (Did anyone else notice he left with a swag bag? What could possible be in there?) Yikes, that was painful to watch.

But we all know he is still going to pick her, so no biggie.

The Final Rose: We get a few minutes with introspective Brad as he shows us his cross tattoo and throws on a henley t-shirt. We also find out that Emily wakes up with a full face of make-up and perfectly curled hair. Wow, she really is something special. Chantal (no surprise here) doesn’t look quite as great but is also looking great for that “Just out of bed” wake-up shot.

We get a few more minutes of them all awkwardly alone in random places throughout South Africa while Brad repeatedly calls them without a doubt the most incredible ladies ever.

"Are you gonna pick one this time?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

 

We get the obvious Neil Lane plug while Brad picks out Emily’s bling. Neil Lane clearly finds this whole experience terribly awkward and looks like he is trying to find an escape route as Brad fondles the engagement rings. Brad tells Neil that he didn’t propose and Neil is like “Duh, I got that giant, super expensive ring back. You don’t get to keep that s**t.”

Chantal packs up all her too-tight tank tops and gets ready to head down for her see ya later sucker session with Brad. If ABC wanted to adequately use a superlative, it would be calling this moment of the show “the most awkward, painfully uncomfortable moment of television.” Chris Harrison shows up to escort Chantal (and the peacock on her shoulder) down to the moment of doom.

Brad starts up his prepared monologue and Chantal thinks it’s good news (oh no) which is going to make the let down all the worse. As the tension builds, my body physical reacts to how uncomfortable this is to watch – I get the bad kind of goosebumps. Not the “aw cute” ones the “oh this is awful” ones. It is bad. The SE rating on this moment is through the roof.

BUT. (ABC)

And then it happens, he drops the big BUT on her. Then the crying, lots and lots of crying, starts. He tries to explain it which only makes it worse. He tells her she’s amazing but let’s her know he’s going to need her to leave now. It seems like it goes down so fast. “You’re great, we had fun. But I don’t choose you. We’re done. Please leave. Now.”

Brad walks her out and stupidly asks her “Are you alright?” I am not the biggest fan of Chantal (ok, not a fan at all) but this is a little much. Give the girl a break. Of course she is NOT alright. You just dumped a girl, who has been in love with you since day one, on national television. Give her a second.

Chantal does some limo crying but generally maintains a shred of dignity before it’s proposal time!

"Where Am I?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

The Proposal: Brad prepares Emily (and the audience, thanks for the heads up) that there will be some stuttering and stammering (we figured) as he reads his prepared (by someone with more than a 5th grade education) speech.

In summary, “I love you. Have since the first picnic date. Can’t get enough of you. Let’s get married. Here have this ring that ABC bought for you.” (p.s. – nice Neil Lane logo plug ABC. But you do realize that no one in mainstream America can afford one of those right?)

Brad gets down on one knee, Emily says yes and then they share the weirdest looking kiss ever shown on national TV. Brad is kneeling and Emily is doing the sorority squat while holding on to his face for dear life. Luckily, Brad finally stands up and they embrace like normal people.

The End.

How do we do this? (ABC)

WE DID IT FRIENDS! We made it through this painfully awkward, awesomely uncomfortable, picnic, zipline and helicopter filled season. Crazy crying chicks and all. And we got the (kinda) happy ending that I hoped for (i’m guessing most of you love Emily as much as me, but I won’t generalize). Brad, Emily and Little Ticky (I’m sticking with that) will live happily, ever after (for at least 3 weeks).

I’ll be back with a quick recap on the “After the Final Rose” special later.

Until then… stay tuned. (Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad will be here in NO Time!)

Oh and p.s. – Ashley Hebert is the next Bachelorette. Get ready for a season filled with hand-talking.

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