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Make it stop. The Most Painful Season in the History of The Bachelorette. Episode 3 Recap Part I

And we’re back. Back to repeat dates, insecure Ashley (wait, you’re all here for ME!) and douchey dudes or what I like to call an awesome Monday night (yes, my life really is that lame). I will say though that half-way through this episode I considered throwing in the towel on this show. What was once an entertaining train wreck of a dating show is turning into a re-run taken over by Backstreet Boy wannabes dancing around a desperate cheerleader. It’s getting ROUGH to sit through two hours of this.

Chris Harrison, professional reality TV contestant herder rounds-up the dudes (lots of  cowboy, dude ranch references this season – wonder where that is coming from?) to tell them how the show works. Again. Chris, we get it. They go on dates every week. And every week Ashley gives out roses. Can we just skip this part next time?

The guys look mildly excited at best with the exception of JP who has a huge grin on his face (don’t ask my why I love this guy, it’s unexplainable other than his good looks. Normally I would be ripping the excited dude in a v-neck tee. This season, I love him).  Despite his excitement, JP does not get the first date instead it goes to our friend Ben “I just want to dance” C.

Before heading out, William (my new least favorite) is acting like the goofy uncle always pulling your leg at the family Christmas party. “She doesn’t like it when you open the car door for her.” “Make sure you don’t compliment her.” Ugh, if I was Ben C. I would have pushed him in the face and left already.

Shocker, behind-the-scenes Ashley is talking about how she can’t believe the guys are here for her. I’m guessing the 987 times she’s said this up to now has been foreshadowing the insults coming at the comedy show but honestly enough already. The shows about you. You’re the Bachelorette. If these guys aren’t here for you (which they’re not, they are there for fame with a chance of hooking up), then you send them home. That’s how it works. Chris Harrison should be explaining the rules to Ashley each episode, not the guys.

Snap if you think I'm a good dancer! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

On to the date, you know this one is gonna be a doozy. We head over to a dance studio where Ashley, once again, shakes her groove thing in an effort to show us how hot and sexy she really is (“I’m a good dancer! Let me choreograph some sexy dance moves so you’ll think I’m really pretty and then you’ll like me… hopefully.”) We get it, you’re a good dancer. But is it now required for every episode to have you in a Flashdance-style outfit baring your midriff while you sway your hips seductively?

Ben tells her they make a “cute team” (what straight man says that?) while he practices his dance moves. After mastering some steps, the duo head over to that mall in LA where they film ‘Extra’ (where’s Mario Lopez when you really need a good dancer?). Instead of doing something original (like stage a fake wedding) the producers opt to rip-off an episode of ‘Modern Family’ and thousands of You Tube videos by creating a flash mob which in case you didn’t notice from the 67 product plugs was created by Flash Mob America.

Side Note: Are flash mobs that big now where there is a company dedicated to their creation? Also, is Flash Mob America opening franchises? If so, I want one.

So Ben and Ashley are having a really weird picnic in the middle of the mall (cause isn’t that the best place for a romantic picnic?) while hoards of people watch them. Despite the fact that there are obviously at least 1000+ people watching them, Ashley tries to reassure that no one cares about their picnic and that they should practice their dance moves.

SURPRISE! I taught you the electric slide! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

C’mon dude. You’ve got to know something is up. I mean, really? Wasn’t he even like a little suspicious. I thought you had a law degree Ben, you’ve got to be smarter than this. Apparently not though, because he looks insanely surprised when the music starts (Ashley’s face when the music started gave me enough SE that I wanted to change the channel that moment).

Cue the contrived flash mob. Now, as a pretty big fan of a well-done flash mob (see here and here and here) I thought this could be promising from the previews. Instead this was the worst, most awkward and embarrassing flash mob ever. What made it even worse was the dancing white dude in the center of the action. Horrible.

As I try to contain me secondary embarrassment, Drew (the hubs in case this is your first time here) looks over at me with a giant grin on his face and confesses that he REALLY wants to be in a flash mob. I’m a little worried that he may be looking to join any Louisville-based flash mobs ASAP or even worse, he could be in the process of orchestrating his own right now. Hopefully he knows a good dancer to choreograph cause it sure as hell won’t be this gal (or the flash mob would be even worse than the one we all just watched).

Oh and in case you all forgot, Flash Mob America put this whole thing together. Sometimes ABC is so shameless with the plugs that I wish they would take it one step further and just put the company’s phone number and website on the screen.

Then in another boring twist,  a band performs on the date. Not only did they do this last season (and the one before that and before that and before that into eternity) but they did it LAST EPISODE!!!!! This time the performers were those other guys from the Black Eyed Peas. Ben C. grinds on Ashley with his white-man overbite while the crowd chants, “Kiss Kiss Kiss” like they’re the royal couple.

I think the producers have thrown in the towel on dates after the wedding date ridiculousness. They are clearly out of any original ideas that could take place within the confines of the continental 48. So rather than anything new, we get another dinner date on the top of a building.

Plotting ways to get Ashley to his love bubble. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Ben C. is for sure that guy you meet that seems nice and cool and normal who then drops the creepy, desperate, clingy bomb on you a couple dates in. Even Ashley seems a little caught off-guard with his ‘live in a love bubble’ monologue. Slow down Carrie Bradshaw, I know you’re not settling for anything less than butterflies but pull-up a little on the reins. This is after all, your FIRST DATE.

CUE BENTLEY DOUCHEBAGGERY

Back to the date, Ben C. is chatting like a nervous 14-year old on a date with Brad Pitt. I think it can’t get any worse and then he says “Do I put an emoticon?” Um no. Do not ever put an emoticon. The fact that you said the word emoticon makes me want to crawl underneath my couch and never come out.

The date ends as all Bachelor/Bachelorette dates do, with an uncomfortable open mouth kiss. (stop smothering her in your sport coat!)

I am considering tuning out on this commercial break but then I’m sucked back in by the preview for  “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show.”  Don’t act like that doesn’t look entertaining.

We’re back with the group date. You know Jeff is gonna be on this one since they are playing the creepy vampire music. Jeff is sulking around the mansion acting weird and makes an appearance on the balcony to lord over his creepy domain. All I can think is, little balcony big creep.

During these dumb monologues, I wish ABC had put a countdown to the MASK reveal in the corner of the screen. 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2, AHHHH. He finally takes the MASK off and Ashley is all, “you’re kinda old.” The charade is over, just like that. (Side note: Why were there cut aways to a hawk and a squirrel multiple times during this segment? Are the animals just as confused and embarrassed as we are?)

On to the date.

Ashley asks who the funniest guy in the house is and everyone says William. This means there can’t be anyone in the house with a decent sense of humor if the best you’ve got is a guy doing lame old George W. impersonations.

We get to the comedy club where I pray that Jeffrey Ross will single-handedly roast the entire cast and crew. Instead, the guys get to roast Ashley. This seems like a great plan. Let’s have a bunch of dudes make fun of the insecure girl. What fun! This is going to be the best date ever in the history of the world and the sea and the sky (just had to throw in some Bachelorette-hyperbole for you).

The jokes are pretty tame and lame. Although we do find out that Constantine is a big Baywatch fan ([Jeff Ross] is known for roasting Pam Anderson, David Hasselhoff and….”)

This part was pretty boring. Yes, the SE was through the roof. Bad comedians are bad enough. But coupled with the fact that they are contestants on a reality tv dating show, it makes it unbearable. I grit my teeth and attempt to make it through these next few minutes without fleeing the room, arms flailing, in embarrassment. (During this time, I do realize that Ryan P. is the human personification of Prince Charming from Shrek.)

Let's all make fun of the girl we're being paid to like! Yay! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Until William takes the stage. William has set this up off camera as his big break. Clearly he thinks we’ve crossed over onto Last Comic Standing. By roasting Ashley he’s hoping Jeffrey Ross will be amazed with his talent so he can leave his lucrative cell phone sales job behind. So long T-Mobile Columbus!

William decides that he isn’t settling for dumb Brad Womack and boobs jokes he’s going straight for the jugular (we know this because in his interview he says that he “doesn’t give a f**k.” damn you’re tough). So he makes fun of Ashley for not being Emily or Chantal (thank god for that, those bare midriff scenes would have been ROUGH).

William tries to advance his career while simultaneously advancing his chances of getting sent home. Even Bentley, the resident shoulder Satan,  knows this is a bad idea. No one laughs, everyone cringes, I cover my eyes and pray for it all to go away (my stomach literally turned, the SE was so horrendous).

The show ends and Ashley goes off to cry alone in the corner. She may be sad but she is still makes sure to adjust her shirt, just so, making sure to show enough just the right amount of skin and, of course, no boobs (she’s flat remember? every guy said so in their roast).

At this point, William is still trying to act tough and is all “I don’t care.” Bentley sees the opening and swoops in with his Pantene Pro-V Volumizer hair and his mesmerizing plaid shirts to comfort crying Ashley. I think he does this because Bentley knows that crying on TV is not attractive. Finally, there’s something we can agree on.

While trying to console/emotionally damage Ashley, Bentley comes off like a 15-year-old valley girl . Giggling awkwardly and saying “yeah” weird. Just writing this I am getting SE chills. It’s just as awful to re-imagine as it was to watch the first time.

Ashley is touched by Sweet Valley High Bentley and tells us that she “loves the way he thinks.” I’m not sure if Ashley still feels that way this morning since she got to see Bentley tells the audience, in detail, how much he dislikes almost every aspect of her. This whole segment was brutal. I am personally embarrassed that I dedicate a large portion of my free time to this show. But at this point, I’m committed (unlike any of the 14354534 contestants who have appeared on this show).

At the cocktail party, William flees in shame (thank god we at least get a few minutes without his doofus face filling up my television) but not before the producers expertly film him sitting in solitude in front of a Mobile PCS Free Cellphone sign (just when I thought they didn’t care anymore!) finally realizing that he’s not on Last Comic Standing. At this point, I’m hoping he’ll leave and go back to the Verizon kiosk in the Columbus mall. Unfortunately, we were not that lucky.

I've come to save you Princess Ashley!

Ashley thinks no one can comfort her but that’s because she hasn’t let the Sun God use the solar rays of love to warm her heart. I thought it couldn’t get much worse than making hand puppets around the sun but I was wrong. Ryan P. drops about 5 corny lines in succession before going in for a big sloppy open mouth kiss. I cover my eyes like I’m 12 years old watching Scream for the first time.

Thankfully, I am saved when we find out that JP gets the next one on one date (did you all notice his tan? seems like a little tanning does a hipster good).  Thank the lord above. I need some JP camera time to relax after an exhausting hour of secondary embarrassment. Little did I know, I would have to sit through an eternity of Bentley acting a fool time before getting to sweet, sweet JP.

So now it’s time to get down to business with Bentley. Ashley breaks it down about Michelle “man i wish you were the Bachelorette” Money giving her the 411 on bad news Bentley (there I did it, I used the name everyone has given him). Bentley acts all appalled at the accusations and tries to say that Michelle is unreliable (oh no you didn’t).

Ashley tells Bentley that she heard he only wants to stay a couple of weeks and promote his business. Uh, duh. He wants to stay a couple of weeks (check), make a name for himself (check) and get casted on Bachelor Pad (hopefully check).

In a scene that had to be scripted, Ashley tells Bentley that she can’t bear to lose another plaid lover (bear, plaid. get it?)  and if he leaves her it will be worse than anything last season. Ruh roh. This is gonna be bad. Ashley snuggles into Bentley’s mid-section while he does his best Mr. Burns “egggggcellent” impression to the camera.

Egggcellent.

Uh oh. Ashley drops the bomb. if you leave it will be worse than anything last time. This is gonna be bad. Just trust this. Yikes, yikes, yikes. she is about to jump those mormon bones.

Sun dude steals the rose and this date is a wrap.

I’ve got to take a break on this recap for now. I need to get back my strength to write about the nausea-inducing Bentley break-up segment.

Until then… stay tuned.

p.s. – because of the more awful than normal turn this season has taken, after this week my recaps will be shorter. Last season I started taking notes while I watched the show. I am going to go back to pure viewing in hopes that it will help. I know it will help take up less of our free time.

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“I get the warmest feeling that I can’t describe.” The Bachelor Finale. Duh, he picked Emily.

Here we are. The Bachelor Season Finale. We’ve made it through a season of crying, fighting, on-screen open mouth kissing, more crying, NASCAR racing, cotton candy eating and countless helicopter rides. And it’s all come down to Chantal (boooo!) and Emily (yay!).

Let’s do this.

Meet the Womacks: Predictably we open with a montage where we get to see Brad’s love (and Chantal’s bust size) grow.  Brad’s “incredible” (seriously, he says incredible more than any human I know. He says incredible more than I say seriously and I thought that was impossible) journey on his quest to find love (again).

The montages end and I have only one response: Chantal – thumbs down. Emily – thumbs up.

Cue the Chris Harrison superlative line “Coming up on the most unforgettable season finale ever.” Really Chris, unforgettable. I mean I probably won’t forget it. But that’s because I am a deranged reality TV fan. Most people will forget about this season and move on in about two US Weekly cover stories.  I had forgotten about that Molly/Jason thing until the brought them back on the “After the Final Rose” special.

After an endless onslaught of montages, we finally get to (re)meet the Womacks. Of course, Mama Womack is sporting cheetah which bodes well for Chantal. We also learn that one of Brad’s brothers is a member of Rascal Flatts. And finally, we learn that loving plaid is a Womack family trait (he comes by it naturally). After some awkward man crying and stuttering (that seemed almost unending), Chantal thankfully busts through the door like the Kool-Aid man. (Wait, what? That didn’t happen?)

"It's on backwards? Really?" (ABC)

Chantal shows up with her shirt on backwards, ready to kick-it with the Womack clan. And by kick-it, I mean awkwardly tell them how much she loves Brad as many times as she can in one 15 minute period. As Chantal blabbers on to every family member about how in-love she is, I notice that Brad’s twin is cuter and WAY less awkward than Brad. No wonder he’s already married. Mama Womack (or Pamela if you prefer) comes strong with her questions especially when she asks the question everyone at home has been yelling at their TV (just me, really?) all season, “I have to ask, how could you fall in love so fast?” Chantal blubbers through some response and shortly thereafter she is shoved out the door.

So Chad (the good twin) picks up on the crazy vibe Chantal is putting out and let’s his bro know about. I’m glad that the Womack clan is picking up on her inability to keep crazy under control. He tells Brad that her actions “really scream her feelings for Brad.” Which really means, “Dude, this chick is desperate. Run far, far away. Now.”  The Wo’s (I’ve decided i’m calling them that) break it down that Chantal is a little TOO into Brad and he may want to keep his options open. Luckily, Emily is on the way and we all know the Wo’s will love her.

Door bell rings and it’s Emily! Yay! Emily comes in and sprinkles rainbows and happiness on The Wo’s and they are smitten. Within minutes she has the good twin, the Rascal Flatts dude, Prima, the other wife and Mama Wo singing her praises.

She drops the daughter bomb on them and they get a little nervous but then she tells them to sit down for story time where they hear the story of her lost love and their love child, Ricky Tick. They are sold and love her even more. Prima and the other sister want to marry her themselves. Got ‘em.

After Emily dances off into a cloud of unicorns and happiness (after peppering every comment with a sweet southern ya’ll) the family tells Brad if he doesn’t pick her he is no longer a member of The Wo clan. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Brad assures them that Emily is his favorite with the slightly inappropriate line, “I get the warmest feeling that I can’t describe.” I pray out loud that Brad does not go into detail describing that feeling and we head to commercial.

The Final Dates: Chantal characteristically shows up in some booty shorts ready to get her date on. She goes for the run and jump into his arms and I’m thankful that Brad does so much weightlifting ’cause if not, he might be on the ground right now.

Brad asks Chantal to face one of her biggest fears with this last date, stepping away from the buffet, swimming with sharks. As they suit up, I am pretty sure Brad just picked this date for Chantal in the hopes that the girls would pop out of that wet suit. (Seriously, those things are MASSIVE.) Brad says that this is the “perfect” last date for them. I’m guessing because if she gets accidentally eaten by a shark, then it’s no biggie.

Zip those puppies up. (ABC)

The date takes a noticeably awkward turn when Brad and Chantal are forced to actually talk to one another. Brad is clearly uncomfortable and you can clearly tell that he will not be picking her.  Eventually, they head back to the resort where Chantal, in a clear act of desperation (Do not say it was cute. really, don’t), gives him the note and map (of all the countries she’s mealed in) she’s been working on. One good thing we learn though, is that Brad can read.

After a few more awkward “I love you. I pick you. Don’t leave me. You BETTER pick me.” outbursts, Brad leaves. Phew. That was rough.

On to the precious Ms. Emily. She looks like a doll and they head off on their romantic date which surprisingly (!!!) consists of a helicopter ride to a secluded picnic date. Two things. 1. Does ABC own its own helicopter? This is getting a little ridiculous. 2. Haven’t we seen these two on enough picnic dates?

They arrive at their picnic spot (and by picnic spot, I mean one of the more beautiful places on this planet) and Emily contemplates pushing Brad off the cliff but decides that might be in poor taste. So instead, she sits down for an afternoon of wine, cheese and Brad. He confesses that his family loved her. Well, duh. Who doesn’t love Emily? She is definitely NOT surprised (She’s knows Chantal really presents no competition).

Things get sticky  when they head back to the room (Ew, no not like that. Dirty mind). Brad is all antsy. He literally can’t sit still and I think he starts petting Emily again (Sstop that! It’s weird!). Emily brings up Ricky Tick and wonders if Brad is ready to be the father to (and be outsmarted regularly by) a little girl. Brad tells Emily that he is ready to be “Little Ricky’s” (If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Stop, for the love of God, calling her that) Dad. When Emily asks Brad what that means, you can tell that he never really thought about that part. He was just proud he was able to spit out the Dad line. S**T gets awkward, fast. Brad is sweating. Like a lot. When he heads to grab a drink of water, I ponder which nickname is worse, Ricky Tick or Little Ricky. I decide that I prefer the combo – Little Ticky.

Can somebody get me a sweat rag? (ABC)

An uncomfortable mini, unfight (“No, i’m not mad. Are you?”) ensues and after they stare at each other and say “I don’t know what to say” a few times back and forth, Brad leaves (Did anyone else notice he left with a swag bag? What could possible be in there?) Yikes, that was painful to watch.

But we all know he is still going to pick her, so no biggie.

The Final Rose: We get a few minutes with introspective Brad as he shows us his cross tattoo and throws on a henley t-shirt. We also find out that Emily wakes up with a full face of make-up and perfectly curled hair. Wow, she really is something special. Chantal (no surprise here) doesn’t look quite as great but is also looking great for that “Just out of bed” wake-up shot.

We get a few more minutes of them all awkwardly alone in random places throughout South Africa while Brad repeatedly calls them without a doubt the most incredible ladies ever.

"Are you gonna pick one this time?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

 

We get the obvious Neil Lane plug while Brad picks out Emily’s bling. Neil Lane clearly finds this whole experience terribly awkward and looks like he is trying to find an escape route as Brad fondles the engagement rings. Brad tells Neil that he didn’t propose and Neil is like “Duh, I got that giant, super expensive ring back. You don’t get to keep that s**t.”

Chantal packs up all her too-tight tank tops and gets ready to head down for her see ya later sucker session with Brad. If ABC wanted to adequately use a superlative, it would be calling this moment of the show “the most awkward, painfully uncomfortable moment of television.” Chris Harrison shows up to escort Chantal (and the peacock on her shoulder) down to the moment of doom.

Brad starts up his prepared monologue and Chantal thinks it’s good news (oh no) which is going to make the let down all the worse. As the tension builds, my body physical reacts to how uncomfortable this is to watch – I get the bad kind of goosebumps. Not the “aw cute” ones the “oh this is awful” ones. It is bad. The SE rating on this moment is through the roof.

BUT. (ABC)

And then it happens, he drops the big BUT on her. Then the crying, lots and lots of crying, starts. He tries to explain it which only makes it worse. He tells her she’s amazing but let’s her know he’s going to need her to leave now. It seems like it goes down so fast. “You’re great, we had fun. But I don’t choose you. We’re done. Please leave. Now.”

Brad walks her out and stupidly asks her “Are you alright?” I am not the biggest fan of Chantal (ok, not a fan at all) but this is a little much. Give the girl a break. Of course she is NOT alright. You just dumped a girl, who has been in love with you since day one, on national television. Give her a second.

Chantal does some limo crying but generally maintains a shred of dignity before it’s proposal time!

"Where Am I?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

The Proposal: Brad prepares Emily (and the audience, thanks for the heads up) that there will be some stuttering and stammering (we figured) as he reads his prepared (by someone with more than a 5th grade education) speech.

In summary, “I love you. Have since the first picnic date. Can’t get enough of you. Let’s get married. Here have this ring that ABC bought for you.” (p.s. – nice Neil Lane logo plug ABC. But you do realize that no one in mainstream America can afford one of those right?)

Brad gets down on one knee, Emily says yes and then they share the weirdest looking kiss ever shown on national TV. Brad is kneeling and Emily is doing the sorority squat while holding on to his face for dear life. Luckily, Brad finally stands up and they embrace like normal people.

The End.

How do we do this? (ABC)

WE DID IT FRIENDS! We made it through this painfully awkward, awesomely uncomfortable, picnic, zipline and helicopter filled season. Crazy crying chicks and all. And we got the (kinda) happy ending that I hoped for (i’m guessing most of you love Emily as much as me, but I won’t generalize). Brad, Emily and Little Ticky (I’m sticking with that) will live happily, ever after (for at least 3 weeks).

I’ll be back with a quick recap on the “After the Final Rose” special later.

Until then… stay tuned. (Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad will be here in NO Time!)

Oh and p.s. – Ashley Hebert is the next Bachelorette. Get ready for a season filled with hand-talking.

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“She Wore THAT?!” from EW.com

Today may go down as one of the best Monday’s in a LONG time. Why you ask? Well, it’s the start of my birthday week, the NCAA tournament starts in 3 days AND The Bachelor Season Finale is tonight. What more could a television-obsessed girl ask for?

As you know, all season long we’ve talked about the awful dresses (I’m talking to you Chantal & Britt) that the ladies have sported on The Bachelor. There’s been satin, sparkles, feathers and more. Thankfully, the fine folks at Entertainment Weekly have compiled a collection of the worst dresses from Season 13. They’ve also provided spot-on commentary for each of these heinous dresses. Be on the look out for #2,5, 9,10,12. (Is it a coincidence that 4 out of 5 of these are Britt and Chantal? I think not.)

‘The Bachelor': 13 ‘She Wore THAT?!’ Rose Ceremony Dresses

Here’s a little screen shot of what you can expect at this gem of a link. Clearly, critics across the country hated her shiny, satin, sad sack as much as I did.

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don’t do it emily. The Bachelor Recap Part 2

As I mentioned in the first Bachelor recap, there was simply too much SE for one post. So I’m back for a quick recap on what happened after Brad left Chantal in that tree house.

So we come out of the commercial and Brad has this dopey grin on his face that clearly says “it” went down in the fantasy suite (I put “it” in quotations not because I am afraid to use the word sex but because I am pretty sure that is what Brad would say).

Really Brad? (ABC)

Emily walks out of the jungle and Brad waves at her like an 8 year-old seeing his bestie (Sorry Ross, I am never going to stop saying bestie) on the first day of school. Then to make it worse, he awkwardly runs toward her in the sneakers he’s had since he was 8. Why Brad, Why?

When he started running, I wanted Emily to just turn around and wander back into the jungle. But I guess she really likes this guy so she sticks around only to have HIM run back in to the jungle. Emily’s all like “Hold on, don’t try and pull one of those lame moves like you did at my house.” But then he shows back up with an elephant and happiness ensues.

Of course, Brad used the best date for Emily. And of course, Emily makes going on safari look stylish and cute. In my eyes, Emily can do no wrong. I heart her. I even appreciate how she tries to make Brad not feel so bad about how awkward he acts around her, how much her kid didn’t really like him, how lame she thought that kite was and ridiculous it was that he didn’t want to kiss her.

Emily is loving the elephants and tells Brad how much Ricky would love this. And by this, she means the elephants and not Brad. She also tells Brad that Ricky-tick had a lot of fun with him. C’mon Emily, you know that’s a lie. Little Ricky (as Brad calls her) couldn’t have looked more miz while hanging out with Brad. She was all, “Mom, you’re really gonna marry THIS guy?” I’ll give it to her that she may have been a little frightened by the cameras but I also don’t think she was a huge fan of the extremely buff and tan, monotone-talking dude that kept trying to get her to fly a kite with him.

Inevitably, this date leads to a picnic where the conversation gets serious. Emily asks Brad “Are you ready for a five year-old?” Insert the longest awkward silence in all television. Brad half chokes and barely spits out a “yeah.” I think he panicked a little when he realized that Emily’s five-year-old that goes by Ricky-Tick was smarter than him.

Emily and Brad do the requisite boozing which Brad looked like he definitely needed to loosen up. The same dude who has kissed 20+ women over the course of a couple of weeks turns into the kid from the TLC show “The 26-year-old virgin” when he’s out with Emily. He gets all frozen up and starts doing weird stuff, like petting her arm. The petting even creeps out Emily who has noticeably moved her arm to her side in the next shot.

Through all of this, I really haven’t mentioned any of the editors handiwork when it comes to making things more awkward by showing animals doing weird stuff. So here’s some video to fill in that blank. (“Get on it elephants!”)

Blah, blah, blah dinner and then the fantasy suite card is delivered. One question: Why does this note come signed from Chris Harrison? It’s like the producers are trying to make it look like the show is all an elaborate scheme that Chris Harrison has devised to help good-looking, awkward singles find love. Anyways, Emily tries to act all shy and innocent about the fantasy suite (which I love about her) but in the end, she agrees that it is a good opportunity for them to spend some more quality time together (Clearly this is another euphemism for doing “it”). If you pause at just the right time, you can see Emily giving little Ricky-tick the signal to turn off the TV now.

Finally, a traditional fantasy suite which the producers definitely gave to Emily because they love her just as much as the rest of us do. Emily finally breaks down and tells Brad that she is falling in love with him and Brad fights the feeling to jump up and do a happy dance in the fantasy suite. Instead, he breaks all the rules (there are rules on this show? how did my husband know they existed and not me?) and tells her he is falling in love with her two. Secretly, I’m wishing that the picture freezes and they are framed in a heart on screen (like they do in cartoons and old tv shows) and the words “The End” are written in pretty cursive across the screen. This unfortunately doesn’t happen but I am left with the knowledge that there is no way he doesn’t pick her now.

The scene ends with Brad holding on to Emily’s face for dear life as he makes out with her.
If you’re keeping score at home, Brad is 2-2 on fantasy suite sleep-overs.

Take a deep breath, do some stretching and mentally prepare because Ashley H. is next. Our favorite dentist from Maine is almost too much energy to take. The cheerleader moves, the hand talking (which was at an all-time high this episode) and all the excitement in her voice wore me out. This isn’t meant as a knock on Ashley H., who is pretty likable when she’s not crying, but more of me saying that I don’t have the energy to keep up with her even when I’m just watching her on television.

Brad picks up (literally) Ashley and they are off to their date which involves, you guessed it (I know, weren’t you so surprised), a helicopter. Ashley has the most fun panic attack I’ve ever seen but finally does a flip into the helicopter and is given a perfect score by all the judges.

Brad acts all excited and surprised about riding in the helicopter forgetting that he does this ON EVERY EPISODE. So they survive the helicopter and arrive at the Window of the World, which according to Brad is cooler than a carnival (debatable if you ask me).

Even the cameraman felt uncomfortable. (ABC)

I notice two things during this date : 1. Ashley says totally almost as much as I do. 2. Brad really plans to give the final rose to his collection of plaid shirts.

I know this date has taken a turn for the worse when Ashley asks excitedly “Is this real life?” and caveman Brad responds in his dullest of dull voices “It is.” So we move into the “let’s talk about serious stuff” portion of the date and Ashley can’t give a straight answer because she is trying to fight off the swarm of flies around her. She manages to avoid swallowing a fly and tells Brad that she “wants to live wherever there are people I love.” Brad gets all confused and later holds this against her when she doesn’t explicitly say “I WANT TO LIVE IN AUSTIN.” Ashley clearly doesn’t understand that Brad doesn’t get subtlety.

They fight off more flies and this date gets weird fast. Mean Brad shows up and gets mad at her for wanting to be dentist and have a career. Ashley tries to explain herself but Brad plugs his fingers in his ears and starts yelling “I’m not listening!” It is at this exact moment that Ashley realizes she will not be getting a rose but rather will be packing her belongs for the “most shocking season of The Bachelorette in the history of mankind.”

Is it over yet? (ABC)

Despite her doomed fate, Ashley still reads the fantasy suite invitation out loud (since Brad can’t) and says yes. Guess she figured she had nothing to lose. Things get out of control awkward in the fantasy suite when the conversation centers around saying “I don’t know” repeatedly and asking about mosquito netting. I knew it was bad when I was relieved when they started open-mouth kissing on camera. At least they had stopped talking.

The episode ends predictably with the random, totally unnecessary appearance of Chris Harrison, Brad gazing at their framed pictures which have safely made the trip from LA and Brad handing Ashley her walking papers.

Next week is The Women Tell All special which you know is going to be AWESOME. I predict lots of fights between Michelle and everyone else, chicks getting pissed at Brad and Chris Harrison finally doing some work (Seriously, that guy has the best job ever. He shows up for a half a millisecond every episode, plays Captain Obvious and gets to kick-it in tight vacation spots all day and get paid a boat load for it).

Until then… stay tuned!

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“You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” The Bachelor Recap #1

It’s Tuesday which means we are all still trying to make sense of all the ridiculous things Brad said last night on The Bachelor. As this season winds down, I am still struck with a few key questions: Exactly how many v-neck t-shirts does Brad actually own? How much do they pay Chris Harrison to remain off the air as much as possible? Does Chantal know how awkward it is when she blurts out ‘I Love You’ to a man she met four weeks ago? I could go on but then we wouldn’t get to talk about the jaunt to South Africa. So, as all the athletes and celebrities I follow on twitter say, “LEGGOOO.” (Really, is it THAT hard to just type ‘Let’s Go’ people? That’s a question for a whole other blog post.)

Oh and just as a disclaimer. I may have to break this episode down into a couple posts. There was almost too much SE for one post.

This episode opens with one of the biggest revelations on this season, Brad can tie his own shoes. Secretly, I’d been thinking that Chris Harrison had been tying them for him all season off camera, so I was really relieved to know he can handle those laces on his own.

 

Plaid in Jail. Check!

Cue the introspective montage of Brad looking off the balcony (thinking to himself, “Where Am I?”),  getting all his gear together for the journey of a lifetime  and wistfully gazing out the window of the plane. You know that flight attendant had some serious SE for Brad during that 12+ hour flight. She probably had to cover her eyes as they filmed all that cheesy footage on the plane. (ps – isn’t there a TSA regulation on filming while in-flight. if there’s not, there totally should be one specifically for ABC.)

 

This episode made me realize how much I love a good recap montage. There was so much I missed (most notably, the ridiculous amount of plaid shirts, half-zip sweaters and v-neck tee’s Brad owns) and so much SE that went undiscussed (Ashley H. – how did you make it this far with all those drunk eyes, slurred speech and sloppy hair moments?). In the end, the retrospective proved two things: 1. Emily is too good for Brad but she is definitely the clear choice. 2. The sheer volume of crazies on this show masked how incredibly awkward Brad really is. Case in point, before date

A season of love, crying and messy hair. (ABC)

time begins, Brad throws out the genius comment, “This week is big” and on-cue a giant elephant appears on screen. Nice job editing team. He also makes a giddy, googly-eyed face when he talks about the “very intimate time” they get to have on these dates. Clearly, this is what the kids are calling hanky panky in the fantasy suite these days.  Brad can hardly wait for three fantasy suites in three days. This shows is ridiculous and I love it.

So here comes Chantal and Brad is all “It feels like FOR-EVER since I’ve seen Chantal.” He says this like he is a pre-pubescent 12 year-old-girl talking about how long it has been since she went to the mall. This embarrassment is only masked by the fact that he is wearing safari gear.

So Chantal shows up in her booty shorts, ready to kick-it with Brad. And can you believe it, she is TOTALLY surprised that they are going on a safari. SERIOUSLY CHANTAL? You are in South Africa. Stop acting so annoying. (I say this knowing that is impossible for her. Wishful thinking on my part.)

Chantal comments on his Indiana Jones hat (why she didn’t mention his Teva’s is beyond me) and we get another gem from Brad – “You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” I uncontrollably blurt out “That’s what she said” at the TV and beg for my husband to fast forward through this awkwardness. Unfortunately (or fortunately for this blog) he denies my request.

 

Even I'm Not That Desperate (ABC)

The safari begins and they stumble upon some sleeping lions. Was anyone else sitting at home wishing the lion pack would wake up, attack their safari and drag Brad and Chantal into the jungle, never to be seen again? (No, just me? Okay I see how it is.) I figure that way Ashley H. can go back to school and Emily will be able to live free of Brad forever (and be the next contestant on the Bachelorette). We then get to see the giraffe that Chantal’s daddy bought for her with the explicit instructions that she bring it home so they could tether it in their giant entryway. And like clockwork, Brad spouts off this lovely comment. “It was just hanging out. Eating his little leaves.” (There are no words. I just had an embarrassed panic attack typing that. What is wrong with this man?)

 

So the safari takes a typical picnic (with a bar’s worth of alcohol) break and Brad and Chantal settle in for an afternoon of day-drinking. When Brad throws out the comment “We’re eating lunch with a hippo” I wonder out loud if he is talking to the actual hippo about Chantal or vice-versa (Sorry, his lack of inflection and wandering eye leaves things open for interpretation).

 

My Daddy Bought Me .... THAT ONE!

 

 

Chantal blabbers on about how now that he met her family, that Brad really knows her aka really knows how rich her daddy is and how quality of a plastic surgeon her mother has. She then throws out a few awkward ‘I Love You’s’ and I immediately want her date to end. Honestly, if an alert from the National Weather Service had interrupted programming, I would not have been mad.

As we near fantasy suite (or as I like to call it, the boom boom room) time Chantal gazes into the camera and tells America that she is gonna give it up tonight. (“I hope after tonight I’ll be able to prove to him that I am definitely in love with him and there’s no doubt about it.”) At this point, I made a mental note that if I ever have a daughter, I will not let her watch this show at an impressionable age. Only when she is old enough to drink and make fun of contestants with me.

 

Uhh.. You want to do it?

Did anyone else notice the uncomfortable amount of sex-themed double entendres that Brad and Chantal threw out during dinner? I cringed at “Oh, I get fired up.” I almost had to leave the room when he said “Come with me, just come with me.” WOOF. Also did anyone notice there was enough alcohol at dinner to kill that hippo (I mean the animal, not Chantal although jean shorts were definitely not a good choice.)

 

The fantasy suite envelope arrives and Brad immediately gives it to Chantal to read since he clearly has no idea how to read. I absolutely LOVED that their fantasy suite ends up being a “fancy” tree-house. Even the producers hate Chantal and are hoping when she takes a night-time pee break that she is attacked by a lion and carried out into the jungle.

We close this SE-filled date with some gross open mouthed kissing, some cringe worthy laughter from Chantal (ugh, i don’t even want to think about what caused that) and the realization that they are going to have sex outside while risking bug bites in very uncomfortable places.

I’m going to take a break here because really, we all know that Chantal is the most embarrassing girl left. Part 2 will look at such topics as, Can Emily do no wrong? How uncomfortable can a fantasy suite date really be? And Does Brad know how to read and/or write?

Until then…. stay tuned!

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i want to be boca’s friend – The Bachelor re-cap

It’s Tuesday morning, which means it’s time to pick apart every awkward, embarrassing and just plain weird thing that happened on last night’s episode of “The Bachelor.” The departure of resident Queen Crazy Michelle made it a little harder to spot the crazy but there were still all kinds of embarrassing encounters (Thank you Brad Womack). Oh and Chantal’s still on the show so she’s always good for a few uncomfortable “I Love You’s.” But is it bad to say, I missed Michelle a little bit? I was comforted by the fact that I know I’ll get to see her crazy/beautiful self on the next season of “Bachelor Pad.”

This episode got going quick with a hometown visit in Seattle with good ole Chantal O. who decided that for this date, she wanted to give off the sexy-sleuth look by channeling her favorite cartoon character Daphne fro m Scooby-Doo. I love a good scarf as much as the next girl, but wasn’t that thing knotted a little tight around her neck. I just wanted to reach through the TV and loosen it up a little.

So they meet up in a park, blah, blah, blah and then they head over to Chantal’s abode. This is where we get to meet her animal family of Boca and whatever those two cats are named. At this point, I was getting kind of bored. I had nothing for the blog except a scarf comment and then Brad looks dead into camera in his confessional interview and let’s out my favorite line of the season, thus far.

“Hopefully Boca’s a good judge of character because i want to be Boca’s friend.”

I want to be Boca's Friend. (ABC)

Well of course you do Brad. What’s more important than befriended a girl’s cat-dog. (Just as a side note, Boca is just a knock-off version of Jiggy from RHOBH – team Jiggy all the way.) So Chantal gets antsy and is ready to leave her tiny pad to head over to her folks house. She wants to make sure Brad knows how rich her folks are in case his businesses go bad and they need a bail-out.

So I figured Chantal’s parents were rich but DAMN that is a SERIOUS house. And that entryway you could easily walk a giraffe through their front door. Brad, Chantal and her family looked like little ants from the camera angle they were filming at from the second floor. So we get down to the awkward family dinner interactions. I was happy to see that Chantal’s dad looked as uncomfortable as I feel when Chantal said that she loves Brad. Then the Dad and Brad one-on-one goes down and they’re bonding over the self made man statue and loving the fact that they both used to carry bricks. Yawn. I am bored. When do we go to the morgue?
So Dad and Brad are besties while Chantal and her Mom (who looks pretty well preserved and not too odd from some serious plastic surgery) talk about being in love in the most gigantic sitting room ever.

Moral of this hometown date, Chantal is rich and her folks aren’t that bad.

Now it’s off to Maine (who knew?) to visit Ashley H.’s family. What are the chances that two of the final home town dates would be so close to Canada?

I feel like Brad was just introduced to an entirely different girl. Ashley H. is like one of those toddler pageant girls all amped up on pixie-sticks. I am exhausted watching her, I can’t even imagine what it is like to be around this cheerleader on speed version of Ashley.

I mean, there’s clapping and jumping and yelling and lots and lots of sharp arm movements. Just thinking about it is wearing me out.

Between the cheering, Brad and Ashley eat some gravy fries and Brad sounds like an idiot when he says “Si” instead of “Oui.” Then they head out on a little drive in the ole Ford Escape. I am not lying when I say that I got winded from watching that scene of them in front of town’s sign. So much jumping, exaggerated smiling and yelling. It was just too much and they haven’t even gotten to her family yet… I am nervous.

worn out. (ABC.com)

So they walk in to Ashley’s house and her family promptly does their family cheer (okay, i made that up but it doesn’t seem totally out of the realm of possibilities). After brief introductions, the H. family gathers around Brad on the sofa and begs him to read them a story. Okay, I made that up too but honestly, do they only have one couch? There were like 4 people on the couch and then Ashley’s mom is awkwardly sitting on the floor in front of him. You know Ashley’s dad was off on the side like, “What the F is happening her?”

So after some more cheering and story telling, Brad goes off to talk to her dad and this is where I start to notice a pattern. Is Brad dressing like each Dad in an attempt to befriend them? Keep this in the back of your mind, as we will revisit this a little later.

Thankfully nothing else really happens, Ashley’s tatted up sister makes a toast thanking Brad for picking her sister. I’m sure she meant well but it comes out sounding like no dude has ever picked Ashley and they are happy someone’s finally come along for their spinster sister.

Ashley, with the combined energy of a puppy and a 12 year old at a Justin Bieber concert, then wraps Brad in a giant bear hug, does a love cheer and sends him back to a part of the country where Americans don’t speak French everywhere.

And then I realize that s**t’s about to get good because Shawntel is on deck.

The producers on The Bachelor know what’s up. They kick things off with her family’s funeral home commercial. LOVE IT. Then we roll right in to a shot of Shanwtel wandering through the mausoleum spouting off this little gem of a comment, “Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little girl.” Fun fun fun.

Not gonna lie, I got a huge kick when Brad said “It’s beautiful here” and she says “I know, right?” thinking that he’s talking about the funeral home and he quickly corrects her and is like “Hell no, this place is weird as hell. I was talking about Chico.” (Comment may contain dramatization). Clearly Brad is weirded out. Hell, I’m weirded out too. This date will 100% go down as the weirdest, oddest, most unromantic date in Bachelor history and we haven’t even embalmed Brad yet.

The tour starts out to the hole in the wall Brad and Shawntel can spend eternity together if he picks her. Then we move on to the spot where his dead body can be burned if he picks her (if cremation is what he is interested in) and finally, we stop at where his dead body can be embalmed if he picks her (again, that’s a personal choice on his part.) Shawntel looks so excited. “Pick me and we can spend eternity together – yay!” The look on Brad’s face says it all, Shawntel – this creepy date is going to be the end of you.

Shawntel then goes on to wax poetic about her love of embalming. Some people love crafting, some people love photography, others love to run. Shawtel loves to embalm in her free time. YIKES.

I don’t know what possesses Brad to lay down on that embalmig table, but he does and Shawntel asks, “Are you creeped out?” Thankfully Brad answers for all America when he emphaticlly says YES.

Quick side note: How many of her boyfriends have gone to see her “job”? Clearly this is the way to her heart. One session on that prep table and it is true love. Take note men of Chico looking to score (who aren’t afraid of a little morbid foreplay). Finally, we get to leave and thus concludes the most awkward, the weirdest and the most morbid hometown date ever.

Embalming is fun. (ABC)

So we head on over to Shawntel’s house and meet her folks. First thing I notice, her dad has paired a button down with a pull-over sweater (which compliment his mustache nicely). Then I look at Brad. Okay for real. Someone must be tiping him off on what the dads are wearing. Chantal’s dad was in a Miami-style button down shirt, collar open, so was Brad. Ashley’s dad was in plaid flannel, so was Brad. Now Shawntel’s dad is in a sweater and a collared shirt combo and SO IS BRAD. This s**t is weird.

So then comes the family chat. Ruh Roh. Shawntel’s dad is NOT COOL with her moving to Austin. He is laying down the guilt trip and is getting real about her taking over the death business. Brad looks uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfrotable feeling you used to get when you were at a friend’s house and their parents started to yell at them. You don’t know what to do or say so you just stand there frozen. That’s what just happened to Brad.

The Shawntel and daddy-o sit down for a one-on-one and he lays down the heavy guilt trip. Shawntel keeps saying she loves Brad and things happen for a reason and she’s taking a leap of faith (she says that like five times). And Dad is like, nope, nope, nope. You are taking over this business whether you like it or not. I need to retire so I can take this mustache around the world. It looks like her dad is about to embalm her and prop her up in the funeral home so she can run it. But really, shouldn’t Shawntel have addressed this before bringing Brad to dinner. What about the other two kids (who look NOTHING like Shawntel)? Do they not embalm in their spare time?

Thankfully, this date finally ends and we get to move on to the best part – Emily!

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – I heart Emily. She is the best and her daughter is so cute (even if her name is Ricky). My heart melts a little bit when mom and daughter are reunited. Then my husband reminds me that I’ve gone soft and before I had a kid I would have probably made fun of her. I smack him and tell him that he’s talking over Emily, which is strictly prohibited in my house.

PRESENTS! (ABC.com)

So then Brad throws in that if this all works out, he could be little Ricky’s step-father. I automatically hate that he calls her Little Ricky. First because I think it sounds like a Latin boy band but second because it was the name of an Adam Sandler movie about the son of the devil. (Also Emily calls her the most country nick name ever – Ricky Tic – I secretly love it.)

Cue the picnic date. Never saw that one coming. Brad and Emily on a picnic date? That’s so out of character for them. But this time they’ve got a little rug rat with them and she is having none of it. Brad then let’s the audience know this is an awkward situation. NUH UH? FOR REAL? This whole show is one giant awkward situation Brad. I’m glad it just took you two seasons to figure that out. Thankfully he brought her a present. Because why not buy a child’s love?

Other than that, I have no hate for this date. Emily’s house is so cute. I adore that she served drinks out of a mason jar and I almost thought their little Candy Land family game night was precious. ALMOST. My only beef is that Brad decides, at this moment, that he is too much of a gentle man to kiss her. Uh, excuse me? I’m pretty sure you’ve rammed your tongue down every 20-something girls on this show’s mouth. NOW you decide that you’re too good of a guy for that. Emily is not buying it and thankfully takes charge of the situation (and tells Brad to man up) and kisses him.

So let’s wrap this up. They head off to NYC where Chris Harrison finally gets some face time. For a minute, I thought they had left him in Costa Rica.

Brad gazes into the framed pictures of the final four and then we make a smoooth transition to the rose ceremony where we are hit smack in the face with Chantal’s hideous get-up. WOOF. What is she wearing? First off, what is that hair? It’s like the combined both Princess Leia buns and glued them to the top of her head. Second, she looks like a satin stuffed sausage and her bra definitely doesn’t fit. Now, I may not be in tip top shape, but you can expect two things if my butt is on national TV. 1. I would be working out like a mad woman. 2. I would make sure that all outfit choices are as flattering as possible (See Ali F. from The Bachelorette for reference).

Other observations – Emily has the WHITEST teeth ever – are they capped? Shawntel is dressed a little morbid. The high collar is giving off a Wednesday Adams vibe.

I mean, is it possible to have teeth that white? (ABC.Com)

As everyone at home figured – it came down to the Chantal/Shawntel’s. I knew it wouldn’t happen but i was hoping that Brad would send desperate Chantal O. home but it came down to a battle of the dad’s. Chantal’s was rich and loved masonry (who knew that would go over so big?) and Shawntel’s loved dead people. Point Chantal.

So Shawntel goes home with her dignity and that booty that compares to the Kardashians and definitely can be used as a table. Minimal crying. I like it.

Let me know what you all thought of this week’s episode. Wasn’t my favorite but I know we are in for some good stuff next week when things get hot and heavy with the introduction of the FANTASY SUITE (definitely thought Michelle would hang around long enough to take advantage of that but I was wrong). Get hype.

Until then… stay tuned!

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i love you THIS much and other weekly musings from The Bachelor

It’s Tuesday, which means we’re all still reeling from the weekly parade of crazies otherwise known as The Bachelor. I must confess that while I LOVE that the show is two hours long and that the producers are experts in making this show the most attractive loony bin ever – it’s sometimes too hard to pinpoint the best moment or even remember all the craziness that has a occurred in a single episode.

For this week’s recap, I think the easiest way to effectively recap is to take it one girl at a time – starting with the craziest of them all, Michelle. Because she is so crazy, I am going to have to break this re-cap into two parts. Part 1: Michelle and Chantal. Part 2: Shawntel, Ashley H., Allie, Jacqui and Emily. Where’s Britt you say, our favorite Bachlorette/Mermaid?  Stay tuned for a guest post focused solely on the enigma that is Britt.

p.s. – ABC had not posted any incriminating photos from last night’s episode yet. I’ll try to update as soon as they do.

So many crazies, so little time. (Photo by ABC)

Michelle – Michelle is as crazy as she is beautiful (take note, that will be the last compliment I bestow on her). And when I say crazy, I mean put this girl in the crazy house away in solitary where she can’t threaten and scare the others. We’ll start at the very beginning, a very good place to start (sorry, I can’t let the opportunity for a Sound of Music reference pass me by), with Chantal O’s date.  The house’s favorite hairstylist was PISSED that Chantal O got another one-on-one date which resulted in the genius comment, “All I can do is be myself, be patient and hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes.” (she just wanted to make sure she had all her primate bases covered).

On to the group date, where Michelle proceeds to pout like the child she is. (quick comment, why was she the only girl in red? did she decline her assigned repelling poncho?) Short of stomping her feet and/or laying on the ground flailing her arms and legs, Michelle threw an all-out tantrum.  And why wouldn’t she? She and Brad had a pact to never go repelling without one another again. Seriously, what kind of pact is that? Oh yeah, me and my man do so much repelling that we had to make a pact to never do it without each other. Anyways, Michelle gets her way (again!) and repels down the waterfall with Brad. Cue the other girls throwing a fit. At this point, the date moves on to the obvious second half – a giant, pool-sized Hot Tub! It is here where Michelle, all liquored up, proceeds to tell Brad that she’s mad at him for going on a date with Chantal O., that she doens’t see him with anyone but her and that he needs to send everyone else home. Before Brad can say “You are so crazy, I am sending you home right now” she sticks her tongue down his throat. End of discussion.

We’ll close this chapter on Michelle with her final embarrassment – her secret visit to Brad’s room (or villa if we are using Bachelor-speak). Ole dude is just waxing poetic on finding love in Costa Rica while gazing intently from the balcony of his villa, when cue the Psycho music, Michelle comes a knocking. The look on Brad’s face was priceless. I wish he would have said what we were all thinking, “What the hell are you doing here you crazy bia?” but instead he let her in. I think this scene is the exact point where Brad realizes that despite the fact that she is smokin’ hot with sizable assets – her crazy is really just too overwhelming.  Things get weird as she bashes every girl in the house and gives her own recap on how the rose ceremonies will go from here on out. After one all too long awkward silence, she decides to tip toe back to where she came from. One good sign – Brad is on to her. How do I know? He used his signature move to combat crazies – making her wait for the VERY LAST ROSE as if to say, “Hey psycho, get it under control or you’re out of here.”

I also love the subtle praying mantis imagery ABC uses this episode. Is this a hint that next episode Michelle will have her way with Brad in a fantasy suite and then bite his head off? They did say this is the most shocking season of The Bachelor ever.

Last comment, did you know her last name is Money? Given the news that came out about her and Carlos Boozer, it seems very appropriate.

Check out some video of Michelle acting all awkward and nuts.

Chantal – Bless your heart Chantal. We’re still on the group date phase of the show and you’re already professing your LOVE. Not I like you or I’m falling for you. No we’re talking full-on I Love You. The L-word is enough to scare a guy you’ve been dating for months and she’s dropping it on their second (or third?) one-on-one date. I mean, we’re only like 5 episodes into the season and she’s dropping L bombs. The worst part is that she doesn’t just let it slip out, she keeps saying it over and over and over again. At one point my secondary embarrassment got so strong that I instinctively yelled at the TV “STOP SAYING IT!” Seriously, my skin was crawling, I had to cover my eyes and almost curled up into the fetal position. We’re talking about one of the most intense secondary embarrassment panic attacks of all time. It’s almost too hard to even write about.

I see you.

I feel for Chantal. She isn’t totally unhinged (she’s learning to keep it under control – the rose trick worked) and seems semi-normal, albeit pretty bossy and kind of a show-off, at times. But c’mon – you cannot just start dropping I Love You’s left and right this early in the season. I guess she’s hoping that by telling him she loves him, he’ll feel more inclined to protect her from the monkey attacks Michelle is conjuring up.

Okay, my lunch (lean cuisine and a banana, WOOF) break is over. More to come later tonight. Feel free to share your own personal SE. Makes me feel like i’m not alone :)

Stay tuned!

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