It’s Tuesday which means we are all still trying to make sense of all the ridiculous things Brad said last night on The Bachelor. As this season winds down, I am still struck with a few key questions: Exactly how many v-neck t-shirts does Brad actually own? How much do they pay Chris Harrison to remain off the air as much as possible? Does Chantal know how awkward it is when she blurts out ‘I Love You’ to a man she met four weeks ago? I could go on but then we wouldn’t get to talk about the jaunt to South Africa. So, as all the athletes and celebrities I follow on twitter say, “LEGGOOO.” (Really, is it THAT hard to just type ‘Let’s Go’ people? That’s a question for a whole other blog post.)
Oh and just as a disclaimer. I may have to break this episode down into a couple posts. There was almost too much SE for one post.
This episode opens with one of the biggest revelations on this season, Brad can tie his own shoes. Secretly, I’d been thinking that Chris Harrison had been tying them for him all season off camera, so I was really relieved to know he can handle those laces on his own.
Plaid in Jail. Check!
Cue the introspective montage of Brad looking off the balcony (thinking to himself, “Where Am I?”), getting all his gear together for the journey of a lifetime and wistfully gazing out the window of the plane. You know that flight attendant had some serious SE for Brad during that 12+ hour flight. She probably had to cover her eyes as they filmed all that cheesy footage on the plane. (ps – isn’t there a TSA regulation on filming while in-flight. if there’s not, there totally should be one specifically for ABC.)
This episode made me realize how much I love a good recap montage. There was so much I missed (most notably, the ridiculous amount of plaid shirts, half-zip sweaters and v-neck tee’s Brad owns) and so much SE that went undiscussed (Ashley H. – how did you make it this far with all those drunk eyes, slurred speech and sloppy hair moments?). In the end, the retrospective proved two things: 1. Emily is too good for Brad but she is definitely the clear choice. 2. The sheer volume of crazies on this show masked how incredibly awkward Brad really is. Case in point, before date
A season of love, crying and messy hair. (ABC)
time begins, Brad throws out the genius comment, “This week is big” and on-cue a giant elephant appears on screen. Nice job editing team. He also makes a giddy, googly-eyed face when he talks about the “very intimate time” they get to have on these dates. Clearly, this is what the kids are calling hanky panky in the fantasy suite these days. Brad can hardly wait for three fantasy suites in three days. This shows is ridiculous and I love it.
So here comes Chantal and Brad is all “It feels like FOR-EVER since I’ve seen Chantal.” He says this like he is a pre-pubescent 12 year-old-girl talking about how long it has been since she went to the mall. This embarrassment is only masked by the fact that he is wearing safari gear.
So Chantal shows up in her booty shorts, ready to kick-it with Brad. And can you believe it, she is TOTALLY surprised that they are going on a safari. SERIOUSLY CHANTAL? You are in South Africa. Stop acting so annoying. (I say this knowing that is impossible for her. Wishful thinking on my part.)
Chantal comments on his Indiana Jones hat (why she didn’t mention his Teva’s is beyond me) and we get another gem from Brad – “You can’t be in the bush without a safari hat.” I uncontrollably blurt out “That’s what she said” at the TV and beg for my husband to fast forward through this awkwardness. Unfortunately (or fortunately for this blog) he denies my request.
Even I'm Not That Desperate (ABC)
The safari begins and they stumble upon some sleeping lions. Was anyone else sitting at home wishing the lion pack would wake up, attack their safari and drag Brad and Chantal into the jungle, never to be seen again? (No, just me? Okay I see how it is.) I figure that way Ashley H. can go back to school and Emily will be able to live free of Brad forever (and be the next contestant on the Bachelorette). We then get to see the giraffe that Chantal’s daddy bought for her with the explicit instructions that she bring it home so they could tether it in their giant entryway. And like clockwork, Brad spouts off this lovely comment. “It was just hanging out. Eating his little leaves.” (There are no words. I just had an embarrassed panic attack typing that. What is wrong with this man?)
So the safari takes a typical picnic (with a bar’s worth of alcohol) break and Brad and Chantal settle in for an afternoon of day-drinking. When Brad throws out the comment “We’re eating lunch with a hippo” I wonder out loud if he is talking to the actual hippo about Chantal or vice-versa (Sorry, his lack of inflection and wandering eye leaves things open for interpretation).
My Daddy Bought Me .... THAT ONE!
Chantal blabbers on about how now that he met her family, that Brad really knows her aka really knows how rich her daddy is and how quality of a plastic surgeon her mother has. She then throws out a few awkward ‘I Love You’s’ and I immediately want her date to end. Honestly, if an alert from the National Weather Service had interrupted programming, I would not have been mad.
As we near fantasy suite (or as I like to call it, the boom boom room) time Chantal gazes into the camera and tells America that she is gonna give it up tonight. (“I hope after tonight I’ll be able to prove to him that I am definitely in love with him and there’s no doubt about it.”) At this point, I made a mental note that if I ever have a daughter, I will not let her watch this show at an impressionable age. Only when she is old enough to drink and make fun of contestants with me.
Uhh.. You want to do it?
Did anyone else notice the uncomfortable amount of sex-themed double entendres that Brad and Chantal threw out during dinner? I cringed at “Oh, I get fired up.” I almost had to leave the room when he said “Come with me, just come with me.” WOOF. Also did anyone notice there was enough alcohol at dinner to kill that hippo (I mean the animal, not Chantal although jean shorts were definitely not a good choice.)
The fantasy suite envelope arrives and Brad immediately gives it to Chantal to read since he clearly has no idea how to read. I absolutely LOVED that their fantasy suite ends up being a “fancy” tree-house. Even the producers hate Chantal and are hoping when she takes a night-time pee break that she is attacked by a lion and carried out into the jungle.
We close this SE-filled date with some gross open mouthed kissing, some cringe worthy laughter from Chantal (ugh, i don’t even want to think about what caused that) and the realization that they are going to have sex outside while risking bug bites in very uncomfortable places.
I’m going to take a break here because really, we all know that Chantal is the most embarrassing girl left. Part 2 will look at such topics as, Can Emily do no wrong? How uncomfortable can a fantasy suite date really be? And Does Brad know how to read and/or write?
Until then…. stay tuned!