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“I was born. I had a Mom and a Dad. Just like you.” Lessons in {Thug} Life and Love on The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 2

Can we all agree that it appears that ABC and the producers have thrown in the towel and are just letting this thing get as weird/awkward/embarrassing as possible? If so, I think we can all move forward with Des’ season prepared for the madness that’s to come.

Where can I get more of this guy? Image: ABC

Preview are up and I’m already becoming consumed from head to toe in secondary embarrassment (which was referred to, quite often, in the tweets as second-hand embarrassment. Let’s all stick to one term, you know, the one that leads to my blog). This Soulja Boy music video has the makings of an epic SE experience. I’m still mentally preparing when we get to the house where we’re all met with an eyeful of…

AMERICAN APPAREL V-NECK TEES

What is this? An infomercial for v-necks, the rejects from their latest ad campaign, a gay vacation spot? I’m leaning towards the last because these shirts are just way too snug and way too plunging for a roomful of straight men.

There is one exception, sweet little Drew but instead of his standard issue v-neck, he’s got on one of their signature hoodies. Maybe one of the dates should be to the factory sweatshop where they make these. (Too much? Sorry)

The first date card arrives and it goes to the WAY over eager, Brooks.

“I’m doing arm pumps, I’m doing the Rocky Balboa, I’m pumped.” Um, Brooks – what exactly are “arm pumps?”

There’s something about Brooks that is just off. I’m pretty sure it’s the combo of his giant teeth and the wavy semi-mullet he’s rocking. Add to that a slight lisp and his childish/girly excitement and I’m thinking there’s no way he’s looking to get married to a lady. Married? Sure. To a girl? Not convinced yet.

But enough about Brooks’ sexuality, let’s focus our attention on Desiree’s outfit. Why in the F is she wearing black, shiny riding boots with a hot pink tank top? Can Emily Maynard stop by and help this gal pick out some ‘fits? There’s got to be someone in the LA area that can stand outside Des’ love shed and give her yays or nays on outfit selection. I’m available for hire if not.

Anyways, all the other dudes are totally jealous and offer grunts galore as Brooks & Des (not to be confused with Brooks & Dunn although in a twist, Brooks does look very similar to Ronny Dunn) hop into her Technicolor Bentley.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the way Ben pronounced the word genuine as “Gen U WINE?” Hey Ben, that pronunciation refers to a hottie r&b singer best known for his hit single “Pony.”

Des’ decides there’s no better time than the present to take things to the awkward extreme – so our first date is at a bridal salon. You know, because what is a straight guy’s ideal date?

Wait did you say watching you shop?

No that’s not it.

Watching you shop for WEDDING DRESSES?

Yup! Nailed it.

Brooks is all into it though (obviously) and they play dress up until they find the prefect ensemble to run around the streets on LA in. Unfortunately for us all, they didn’t pick my favorite pairing – the green suit with whatever Desiree was wearing.

Next stop, the Hollywood sign where they officially ruin a national landmark and Des shares some sob story about how the sign is some beacon of hope for her. More talk of fairy tales and princes. Woof.

Just when you thought you had been spared from total misery, you find out that this date is still going on.

But instead of coming up with something new, we’re treated to the EXACT SAME DATE that Lindsay and Kalon went on during Bachelor Pad. Same sketchy neighborhood, same closed off street, same chandelier and I’m pretty sure the food is left over too. Nice work.

Whatever it’s not like I’m mad, these two definitely deserve sloppy seconds.

After some sob story spewing (with a 50% divorce rate in this country, can we all stop acting like your parents splitting up is the equivalent of like losing a limb?) Brooks gets the rose and I pray for a commercial break.

But we’re back at the bropad where the doorbell interrupts push-up-palooza. The group date card is revealed and I’m just happy because we get a quick look at Juan Pablo. Thank you ABC for throwing us that bone.

WAIT and then we’re back at this date. Why won’t this end?

There’s a concert, which Brooks calls “magical.” (The case continues to grow against this guy.) And then it happens. Brooks starts dancing and a small piece of my soul dies.

Did you all see it? Hopefully you didn’t it. It was beyond horrible. But I did the whole train wreck move where you want to look away bit instead you rewind it three times to make sure it was real life.

Desiree closes with a warning to us all: “Tonight set the tone of the rest of my journey.” Oh lord, it’s time to reconsider watching this season.

My apologies to Andy Grammar (that singer guy in case you, like me, had no idea what his name was) for having to witness that madness. Time to talk to your agent Andy.

Speaking of talking to your agent, Soulja Boy – you’re on deck.

Who’s here for the right reasons? I’m looking at you Dan, Juan Pablo, Will, Zak K., Ryan, Drew, James, Mike D., Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and whatever the guy who read the card’s name is.

Next stop on the journey is one for the record books. We’ve seen many an awkward and embarrassing photo shoot but nothing like this before. Yes, we’re filming a rap video (that will never be seen anywhere other than this show).

I know, I can’t believe how slutty I look either! Image: ABC

Not sure how much Soulja Boy got paid to do this but it certainly was not enough.

They show up at some nondescript McMansion and find Des is a SNUG dress. I want to hate her (I do hate the dress) but her body is on point. Shes accompanied by the Boy of Soldiers who explains that they will each need to do a quick rap to determine who will be the best worst and therefore, win a speaking/rapping (let’s not really call this rapping – it’s more like spoken word).

“Who wants to show me some love,” SB yells and the guys simultaneously attack him and start kissing him. Okay, that didn’t happen but they all did emphatically raise their hands in eagerness.

Here’s hoping Soulja Boy got REALLY HIGH before filming this.

A select few guys are chosen for their douchiness resemblance to Bachelorette stars gone past. I can’t help but squeal in delight when I realize that the producers are in on the Kasey Kahl lookalike status and have assigned him the plum “guard and protect your heart” role. Robert Mills FTW!

Bonus points for casting Ben as Mad Brad in Plaid. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d take another season of Brad before another moment of watching this turd burglar.

The “rap song” they are performing is titled “Right Reasons.” One of the big buzzwords on this show alongside journey and anything said with “Most” and “Ever” as bookends. The fact that they were able to get the tune stuck in my head has me regretting I ever watched this show in the first place but at least it showcased these guys willingness to do anything to be on TV.

I’m getting paid for this right? Image: ABC

This entire segment is a blur because I spend half of shielding my eyes and half of it with my eyes glazed over, trying to comprehend what is happening on-screen.

I lose all faith in Des when I realize that she is kind of enjoying this. I also spend a good part of the segment wondering where they are hiding Juan Pablo. Come out come out wherever you are!

I come to when I hear Des say “It’s nice to see that looks and personality can combine” and I wonder if they have just introduced another cast member because I know she can’t be talking about any of the guys on this date. (Except JP but we all know that she has no idea what is personality is like since he mostly only speaks Spanish.)

This madness goes on about 10 minutes too long and we’re finally a wrap. Poor Poor Soulja Boy. Is this what your career has come to SB?

Thank god we’re done with this horrible rap video and moving on to the part where they get liquored up and fight.

Des is hopeful and excited since, “From what I’ve seen there are a lot of guys that are marriage material.” Um Des, you okay? I’m worried about you. Have you been watching the same thing I have? Yikes a million.

Biggest surprise of the night comes early when Zak W. (or as I refer to him, no shirt guy) presents Des with a somewhat heartfelt gift. It seems nice until we realize that he gave her a used, old notebook. Just what she’s always wanted (and duh, you know all the drawers at her place are stocked with diaries. We’ll be seeing her jot down her emotions in them as she whittles away some of you losers).

Who knew shirtless dude would bring a thoughtful antique present. Although the chances he picked it out himself are slim to none. Oh Zak W.

P.S. – Love the fight going on in the tweets. Although I’m on team no tweets for selfish reasons since I haven’t had a chance to live tweet the show.

While Brandon channels his inner (very emotional) Kasey Kahl, Ben is going the creeper route by sneaking up behind anyone talking to Des. His creepy smile and deep side part makes me wonder how many girls he roofied in college. It appears the rest of the guys are on to this though and have pegged Ben as the guy that’s “not here for the right reasons, right reasons, here for all the wrong reasons.” (Sing it with me friends!)

Ben is back using his kid for brownie points and generally being sketchy. The way he gropes her face gives me SE chills just thinking about it. There is definitely a trail of sexual assaults following this guy.

Some other observations from the bro-party:

* Mikey is definitely not going to win but I like having him around. Even if he does get all distracted when Ben complements his shoes.

* Brandon has got to stick around. He’s got a lot more embarrassment in him and I can’t wait to hear what he says next time he gets a couple of champagnes in him.
“I was born. I had a mom and a dad like you.” Thanks bro. You and everyone else.

These sob stories are getting out of hand. Is that a requirement on the application? If so, we’re going to need to step up our game. Sarah from last season had a sob story (you know, she was missing an arm). We’re going to need to get on that level if this is a new requirement.

* Juan Pablo hasn’t gotten nearly enough screen time.

Just like every contestant on this show before her, Des gives the rose to the contestant everyone else hates. The guys sneer as Ben gives that smirky smile that makes you wonder if he’s hiding something (or someone) in his trunk.

Roadtrippin with Bryden

Last up is a good old-fashioned road trip with Bryden. Other than the spelling of his name, there’s not much that I hate about Bryden. Scratch that, his bangs. I hate those bangs. Can we get someone to cut those stat?

Des picks Bryden up and he’s pumped. “She looks amazing, the car looks amazing.” Good thing you put them in that order bro. He probably would have switched it up if the car wasn’t that girly color.

Points to Bryden for actually wanting to drive (Brooks, you could have at least asked). But no Bentley for you buddy. It’s time to hop in that passenger’s seat cause Des is driving.

Des is pumped about taking this Montana boy on a California road trip, “For him to experience this is just insane.”

Hey Des, I’m thinking that’s not the adjective you were going for there. Maybe really exciting, very cool, such a fun experience. Insane, not so much.

This is followed up with the comment that “All you need is a car, some gas and some good company.” Well good thing you all have two out of three.

First stop is the beach where Sean filmed all his shirtless beach montages. Can’t we find another beach in California ABC? Is this the only one that allows filming?

Next stop is Ojai. They do a little orange grove exploring while I explore the Internets for new items to add to my closet.

Sorry pals, when the third date isn’t totally embarrassing, I tend to lose my attention and start online shopping.

But I know things are getting romantic when I name that tune in two notes – EPIC LOVE MIX!

It’s dinner time now and it appears that Bryden is quickly able to kill Des’ appetite by showing off some pictures of a serious car wreck he was in.

Was I the only one wondering why he just carries those around? Obviously he printed them out to show her before the season but did he really thing the first date was the best time to show those off?

Either way, we learn that this experience is what led him to join the military. Still no insight on what led to that haircut though. Clearly he knew what was up though, Des loves that he’s “opening up” and gives him the rose.

Now it’s on to, BY FAR, the biggest SE moment of the show (and that’s saying something. oh and because I’m a pal, I included the video). Des and Bryden in the hot tub. They inch closer together like two middle schoolers and then stare at each other going back and forth talking about “how great” today was.

I want to walk up to them and push their heads together while yelling “JUST KISS ALREADY!” As I shielded my eyes from the events taking place on screen, I saw Drew make a break for the next room. Too overcome with SE to even be within the vicinity of the television.

Thankfully Des recognizes the pain we’re all in and tells him to “just kiss me already.” I immediately feel relieved but the relief is only momentary because I’ve forgotten how horrible the slurpy, sloppy kissing noise is.

Just when I’m about to make a run for it, they end the scene.

Rose Time.

This post has gotten WAY long so I’m going to try to keep this short.

First up, what’s up with Desiree’s mermaid dress?

Second, hey Michael from Miami – I want to like you since I’m from the MIA too but that diabetes story was WAY TOO DRAMATIC. You know Des though he was about to tell her he accidentally ran over his little brother or had a love child in high school. Instead, he just drops some low blood sugar knowledge. Bro, that can be controlled. Let’s not take this whole sob story requirement too far.

Third, Ben you have got to stop being such a stage four clinger. The way you just circle around convos like a shark in bloody water is making me MUY UNCOMFORTABLE (that Spanish was for you Juan Pablo).

Not cool how you totally cut-off Michael even if he was telling a completely over dramatic story.

And then that part about it being your little secret that you’re the only one who has kissed her. Um, jokes on you buddy. It’s her little secret that she’s already kissed like four dudes.

Last, Mikey I love that you’re trying to be a stand up guy and call Ben out but it just seems a little early. Either way, I still heart you and your snug suits.

Woosh – There you are CH. I thought you’d never show up to save us. It’s rose time.

Brooks, Ben and Bryden are all safe (say that three times fast).

Roses go to…

* James
* Kasey
* Dan
* Juan Pablo – YES! HOLLA!
* Brad
* Chris
* Brian
* Zak W.
* Drew
* Mikey
* Zak K.
* Michael Diabetes
* Brandon

All I know is that she cut that cutie little Armie Hammer lookalike. Bummer.

What did you all think? Did you survive that rap-sanity? What do you think about next week?
That GF that makes an appearance kind of looks like Olivia Munn to me.

Anyways, until next time… stay tuned!

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“I love this country, it’s my destiny.” Getting Swiss Cheesy with Ben. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 9 Recap

Grab your favorite scarf  and apres-ski outfit (which if you’re a contestant on this show means a bikini), we’re going to Switzerland.

Ben is hype for the last stop on his love “journey.” In his EXACT words,  “I love this country, it’s my destiny.”

So let’s determine that destiny. He’s got three “amazing” women left and it’s time for old Benny boy to make a decision. But like countless Bachelorette’s before him he’s paralyzed by the fear of not making the right decision (the first wrong decision was coming on this show, after that it was all downhill. There’s no point in trying to stop it now).

As Ben packs up his henley tees and cardigans, he ponders who will make the best match.

Is it Nicki? A “warm and loving woman… Kind of a dark horse.” And he’s not just talking about her tan.

Or  could it be Lindzi? This half city/half country little lady is also not too tan to be the mother of his children. “I had premonitions of life with children with Lindzi.” Was premonitions really the best word to use there Ben? I think not.

Or is it the Evil Love Monster Courtney?  Blech. Having to watch this montage of Courtney is making me a little nauseous. “I like that she’s a little bit nerdy,” Ben says. Um, nerdy? Is that what the kids are calling slutty these days? “She’s exciting, spontaneous…” and a little crazy, an evil hag and a fake fame seeker (can you tell I’m a fan?). The only redeeming part of this little compilation is the focus on her evil reign. Cheers to that.

So enough of the past, let’s get to the present. We’re in Interlaken, Switzerland. A “majestic and magical” place. The perfect place for Courtney to end her journey as the Evil Queen. I can see her watching from her mountainside castle now.

Ben sports his snuggest leather jackets as he meanders through the empty streets of Interlaken hunting for Nicki. (Who was thankful there wasn’t a repeat of last year’s street scene with Ashley Hebert frozen as the crowd moves wildly around her? Just me? Okay then.)

Date #1: Nicki

He finally stumbles upon Nicki who is predictably HYPE.

She agrees that Switzerland is the “perfect place to be in love.” Which infuriates me because there is not an acre in this great world that these fools wouldn’t think was perfect for love as long as a cameras was pointed in their general direction.

I end my rant to see that on this date they’ll be using the standard mode of transportation on this show, the helicopter. (Planes. Check. Trains. Check. Automobiles? No way, not on the Bachelor. Helicopters only.)

Ben acts like this is the first helicopter ride he’s ever experienced (yeah right, it’s like your 19th) and does this:

Yes, that happened. There are no words to describe it or the secondary embarrassment I experienced while watching that. I felt I would be doing a huge disservice to anyone who reads this to not highlight that “dance” move.

So into the helicopter they go. Don’t even try to act like Ben didn’t choose the helicopter date for Nicki because it prohibits her ability to talk non-stop. Seriously, Ben knew that he couldn’t even try to get a word in edge-wise when they’re face-to-face. This way he can enjoy a five-minute break from her rambling on about her love for him.

I get momentarily excited when it appears that their helicopter is crashing but instead they land on a cliff for, you guessed it, a picnic.

Such a standard Bachelor date. Helicopter + Picnic. All we need is a hot tub and we’ll be three for three.

We're going on a bear hunt...

The entire picnic is spent with Nicki jabberboxing about how much she loves Ben and how much her family loves Ben while he looks at her and nods. One look at his face and you can tell he’s letting Nicki go this episode. He is clearly bored out of his mind. It basically goes like this: Feelings, Feelings, Feelings, I love you, Feelings, Family, I love you, Open Mouth Kissing to stop the blabbering.

End Scene.

It’s dinner time which on this episode just means the awkward time before Ben slips the fantasy suite (aka it’s time to get it on) card. Tonight’s date is in a log cabin which Nicki loves so much that she lets out a little horsey squeal.

They talk about when Nicki will move to Sonoma and how many kids they’d like to have (how about none please) but I can’t pay attention to anything other than Ben’s zip up, button up, latch up sweater. Seriously, how many options are on that sweater? A zipper, buttons and latches. TOO MUCH.

The conversation regarding kids leads Ben straight to the fantasy suite drop and he asks her “What do you think?” which is code for “Do you want to have sex with me?” She, of course, replies yes and it’s on.

Ben, still emotionally unavailable and vacant with Nicki, takes her back for a champagne fueled night of getting it on. (Yes, I just said getting it on and yes a little piece of my soul just died.)

And if you were wondering when the hot tub would come into play, well here you go. They hop in and we’re, thankfully, cut off from this sinking ship.

Hot Tub Numero Uno. Check!

Date #2: Lindzi

Lindzi arrives and proceeds to provide us with one of the more awkward entrances. Nothing like a weird wave and then the dreaded run, jump, twirl entrance. Ugh, I hate it.

Today’s date is a surprise for both Ben and Lindzi. Yup, the producers broke out an oldie but a goodie with a little rappelling. Usually this is reserved for a group date in the jungle where the girls claw each others eyes out for a chance to rappel alongside their man, but alas, we’ll have to settle for it here… with Ben.

Since this date involves heights, they are predictable totally “freaked out.” They discuss their fears and then collectively decide to conquer them before conquering each other later in the fantasy suite.

Any chance you two can make it all the way down without kissing?

Are you serious? No, definitely not.

They both don’t really want to participate so Drew asks “Why are they doing it then?” Um, come on hun. We’ve been watching this for months now. They’ve surrendered control of their lives to the producers at ABC. If they don’t do it, they’re just going to push them over anyways.

So they rope up and prepare for decent. They are acting like this it’s so scary and that they are “free-falling” but to me it just looks like they are inching, VERY SLOWLY, down a rope. Lame.

They make it back to the bottom where they embrace, kiss and then Ben proceeds to wipe off the self-tanner that has rubbed onto his face.

That madness ends and what do we see, why another hot tub of course. The hot tub is the perfect place for them to “discuss their feelings” while doing a little under water groping. (Don’t act like that’s not happening.)

This is where the vulnerable drinking game commences. Lindzi tells Ben that she has made the “Ice Queen Melt” not sure who she’s talking about since I’m pretty sure she’s acted like a 12-year-old cheerleader hyped up on pixie sticks since the day she arrived, but hey, what do I know.

She’s put up a wall but Ben has allowed her to be vulnerable. Yes, I was able to explain it by using the word once. Unfortunately for all viewers, she needed to use the word 12532 additional times to get the point across.

During the hot tub, Lindzi hopes to be able to tell Ben she loves him. Instead all she can do is spit out “I’m loving this” to the tune of the McDonald’s jingle.

Hot Tub Numero Dos. Check!

Oh well, Ben doesn’t care and let’s us know he has “an invitation to give to Lindzi” (Uh duh Capt. Obvious) because “we both need to get to a vulnerable state.” Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I think you all know the vulnerable state he’s talking about and I suggest you not picture it in your mind.

It’s dinner time which means lots and lots of sexual innuendo before they get to the sex card.

They race through their meal and Lindzi pretends to act excited when Ben drops the envelope on the table. Lindzi tries to pretend she’s a good girl but puts up very little fight when she sees that key. “I never let myself be vulnerable… the best way to come out of this is to be completely open to be.” Not sure if that makes sense (swear, it’s a direct quote) but I think it means she’s planning on going all the way. Blech.

A side note on this date: You can definitely tell that Ben likes Lindzi WAY more than Nicki. I know this because I spot at least one recognizable emotion on his face as she talks.

They arrive at the suite and Lindzi, like the rocket scientist she is, proclaims “It’s a fantasy of a suite.” REALLY? Yeah DUH! It’s a fantasy suite. Oh Lindzi… and I wanted to like you.

Each of them says vulnerable at least 3 more times and it’s go time. “I didn’t think she was in a place to fully open up to me,” says Ben. But we all know that she is definitely ready to open up to him now (sorry that was so gross, I couldn’t help it).

Cue the over dramatic music and we’re out.

So that's what happens in the fantasy suite.

Date #3: Courtney

I think it should be noted that my hate for Courtney has caused me to stop paying total attention on her dates. Apologies in advance.

This is the first time Courtney and Ben have been together since their faux wedding. Will there be a little awkwardness at first  (and I’m not talking about the awkward run up)? Will Courtney call him her husband (it’s totally within the realm of possibilities)? Will he push her off one of the Alps (okay, I know that one’s a stretch)?

Help! Help! I need you to believe that I'm vulnerable...

... so I can rip out your heart for a prime spot in my evil lair.

Today’s date is a train ride to a little village where they’ll be going on a, wait, don’t say it, I’m gonna let you guess it…. PICNIC!

“Come with me and all aboard,” says Ben (yes, I know it doesn’t really make total sense but they are his words, not mine). This is a phrase he’s practicing before tonight’s fantasy suite action.

The train takes them straight to “fairytale land.” Which I love since I have been comparing Courtney to a fairy tale evil monster/ogre/hideous queen since day one. But it also frightens me a little since I’m afraid she may take control of the village and put them under some spell where they’ll all turn into leprechauns and she’ll use them to do her bidding (woah, that got weird. Note to self: stop watching Once Upon a Time).

That kind of weirdness is what happens when they are talking because honestly, I stop listening.

In my humble opinion, this date is woof. I wish they were pushing her off a cliff instead of watching these two losers shopping and waltzing down the street.

They settle in for an afternoon of listening to Courtney talk about herself. “I’m so happy I hung in there. It’s been rough for me some times.” Shocker, it’s all about Courtney all the time.

A quick game of “Hey Cow” and it’s back to talking about Courtney. “I feel bad that it wasn’t easier for me,” she says as she attempts to bite off her lower lip. “I tried really hard to be nice with them.” Wait what? If that was trying hard, I’d hate to see what “not giving a shit” looks like.

After a fake apology and some fake off-screen crying, Ben is convinced that she’s just a sweet girl and not the big bad wolf we all know she is inside.

Make. IT. STOP! PLEASE!!!!

It’s time for part deux and we know that there’s still a small amount of tension because ABC has cued up Track 6 on the season soundtrack, titled “Concerned, Worried and yet… Hopeful.” Yes, it’s a complex, emotional piece.

Maybe it’s cause I hate Courtney, or maybe’s it’s cause Ben has zero personality on-screen, or maybe it’s because Courtney attempting to be nice is insanely boring but I can’t keep my eyes open on this snooze fest.

There’s some more fake apologizing and something about her being immature and then it’s fantasy suite time. Ben in his overly eager way spits out “I know how I feel about it but I want to see how you feel about it.” Um, Ben – this is the girl who stalked you to go skinny dipping with her on date three. I’m pretty sure she’s game for a little fantasy suite action.

And they’re off to their itty bitty hot tub where they open mouth kiss while I cover my eyes and attempt to control my gag reflex.

“I just feel so lucky cause Ben is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” BLECH.

Hot Tub Numero Tres. Check!

YAY FOR EMILY

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, sweet sweet Emily steps in to save the day. It is well-documented that I freaking love Emily. Not sure how that will translate here but I imagine I will be a little protective and extremely hostile to all the douches trying to get at her.

This little cut in is a four minute commercial for Titanic (I’m not complaining) along with a little publicity boost for ole Ashley and Alli.

They play dress up (during which Ashley says she didn’t think JP was hot at first – um… LIAR!) and then head off in their tightest cocktail attire and tallest stilettos to watch a screening of Titanic in 3D. As they fake eat popcorn, they discuss how searching for love on the Bachelorette is just like losing your true love on a tragic ship accident. Sorry, I get really defensive when it comes to Titanic. Here’s a little secondary embarrassment for you all, I saw Titanic 6 times in the movie theater. Yup 6 times. Sorry for loving Leo.

But I digress, so the girls tell Emily that she deserves to find her one true love, just like Rose. But try not to let him drown at the end after you hog the piece of driftwood just for yourself while he freezes and dies. Woah Woah Woah. Sorry, I did it again.

And we’re back to Ben.

That little interlude is over and Kacie B. is back. Not one single soul should have been surprised to see her. But of course, Ben is and after a lot of awkward cursing, he invites her in.

Ole girl just needed a little closure and wants to know what she did wrong. Basically, Ben let’s her know that her Dad totally freaked him out and then he didn’t see himself being a part of her life. I can’t hate here since her Dad was super controlling and I wouldn’t want to see him at holidays either.

What are you doing here? No rose means no rose. I thought I made that pretty clear.

This whole encounter is AWKWARD. I start to get serious secondary embarrassment when they just stare at each other in silence. This is so weird. Okay she needs to either drop some truth or leave cause this is making me want to jump behind my couch

She finally pipes in with a rant on Courtney. “I feel like if you choose [her] you will get your heart-broken.” Ben is visibly annoyed and yells “PROVE IT!” Okay that didn’t happen but it would have been a lot cooler if he had. She gives one single example and then Ben shuts this madness down.

She leaves and proceeds to lay down on the floor outside his room. WHAT THE WHAT is happening here? Couldn’t someone have been like, “Um Kacie, there’s a whole couch like 15 feet away from you.”

She gets all sad and wonders what will happen as I yell at the screen “You’re 24. You have a great body. Just keep crazy under control and you’ll be fine.”

I think it's about time you get the h out of here. No but for real. Like for good. No but don't come back.

Rose Time.

A confused Ben sits down with CH to hash it out. It this point I wish CH would just get real with Ben and let him know about Courtney’s bitch moves. Instead, he tries to get him to bring back Kacie B. – passive aggressive, I like it. You know that CH is just sitting there thinking that Ben is a total buffoon for falling for the planted actress but oh well. He just sits back, chugs his bourbon and water and waits for it all to end.

Roses go to…

  • Lindzi. She definitely had to be first pick in that dress. That bandage dress was way hotter than those frumpy numbers.

Who will it be? I want it to be Nicki but I know it will be Courtney.

Cue the ominous church bells.

  • Courtney. BLECH.

BOOOOOOOO. We’re just one step closer to that evil wench winning.

Adios Nicki.

Bless Poor Nicki’s Heart. I’ll give her credit with going out in style. Not like Kacie B and that horrible crying madness. No weird sobbing or question asking.

“I feel kinda like a fool for falling so hard and so fast,” she says. Yeah, Nicki – that’s true. But at least you realize the errors of your ways. You’ll be fine, just don’t go on Bachelor Pad. There’s no place for you in those shenanigans.

Next week, the reunion. Are you pumped? I am but I just wish Courtney would be there so the other girls could verbally assault her.

Oh well. Until next time… stay tuned!

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Father of the Brides. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 8 Recap

Okay first things first. Apologies are in order on my absence last week. The run-in with my DVR really set me back and I could never get around to watching the first half of last week’s episode. I hope the top ten made up for it a little tiny bit. Anyways, sorry friends about the posting gap but I’m back ready to tackle hometowns.

A quick recap montage voiced over by the ever so lovely CH and it’s straight into the visits. First up…

Lindzi in Ocala – The Horse Capital of Florida (I know they claim the world but as someone who grew up in Florida and now lives in Kentucky, I feel I’m qualified to say that Ocala doesn’t have squat on Lexington when it comes to horses).

So this is the guy that texted you "Welcome to Dumpsville"

I know you all are SHOCKED that Lindzi greets Ben from the saddle of her horse Devin. You know, cause she really hasn’t mentioned horses that much this season. I was happy to find out that Lindzi is originally from Florida mostly because it explains the love of tanning. The whole Seattle thing really had me thrown off. Consider the universe at peace again.

Since Lindzi’s character on this show only involves two things – horses and being tan – she decides to showcase the more impressive of the hobbies and teaches Ben how to drive a carriage.

Confession: For all her weird horsey-ness and serious tanning issues (oh and don’t get me started on the eye liner), Lindzi isn’t so bad. Dare I say, she may be my favorite of the final four.

After a quick ride, Ben & Lindz sit down for their picnic (why why why does this show love outdoor dining so much?) where our girl decides to get a little emotional. She breaks down her feelings for Ben showing him, in his words, “a soft side, a sweet side.” Ben’s digging it (and I’m digging the lack of frizz in his hair – must be winter in FL) and is ready to meet the folks.

Lindzi awkwardly sits in his lap and shows the way home. In true Southern fashion, Margie & Harry are sitting outside enjoying some sweet tea. Unfortunately for them, the nice gentleman their one and only daughter is bringing home has been “making out” with 15+ girls the last three weeks.

Lindzi’s Pops offers Ben some chilled chardonnay and then challenges him to a carriage race around the backyard (but not before her hippie parents confess to getting married at City Hall in San Fransisco. I’d say I was surprised but that would be a lie since I already saw Margie’s hair).

Not gonna lie, Lindzi’s dad is kinda cute  – not sure if I’m a sucker for his love of trash talk or the fact that his name is Harry (my step-dad’s name) – either way, I’m a fan.

Mom & Dad rig the race by saddle up a thoroughbred that wandered through the challenge Lindzi’s donkey Devin. Secure in his manhood (cause he’s a real man), Harry takes Ben aside for their chat.

Other than finding out that Ben wants to take it slow no matter who he proposes to, we do learn that Lindzi is an only child whose parents have tried to keep her away from boys and “kept her focused on horses and cheer team.” This small details really explains a lot about Lindzi’s “journey.”

A little wine from a redneck wine glass later, Ben sets off on his next tour de parents. But not before Lindzi and Ben seal their love with an open mouth kiss and an awkward “back at cha kid.” (C’mon Lindz – I want to like you.)

Next stop… Clarksville, TN with Kacie B.

When I see Kacie B. I wonder aloud why she is dressed like a grown-u (in the loosest form of the word) baton majorette. I find out quickly that it is intentional (I think) and that she is doing a little “routine” with the local high school kids to show off for Ben. It had been a while since we’d heard about her band days but her lack of fashion evolution does confirm my theory that she is really a 14-year old high school girl trapped in a 24-year-old body.

This happened. (Image: ABC)

Kacie commits one of the SE cardinal sins when she does the run, jump, catch spin move with Ben. I’m pretty sure this may be one of my top two least favorite Bachelor activities, right up there with crying in the limo and confessing your love too early.

We find out that they’re at a football field named after Kacie’s grandpa (more on that later Kacie says with a wink). But one quick walk up the bleachers later, we find out that Kacie’s g-pa just liked sports and had a bunch of money. So basically the same reason fields are named after rich white dudes the world over.

We also learn that her g-parents shared a Notebook-style romance that Kacie is READY to recreate with Ben. Oh Kacie and you’re romantic dreams.

Ben shakes her out of fairytale land and demands some deets on the parental units. Kacie tells us that her Dad is a Federal Probation Officer that doesn’t drink. Uh-Oh. Add to that he was very skeptical of her going on the show (well at least someone was – sounds like Kacie’s Dad may be the voice of reason we need). Double Uh-Oh.

Ben is neeerrrvious. Especially cause of that whole “I sell booze for a living” part. I can see the SE now.

A quick off-screen cackle from Kacie and we’re at her house for dinner (where production forces them to all awkwardly sit on one side of the table – kind of like The Last Supper except nothing like The Last Supper – sorry Jesus).

Kacie’s Dad is country (I can say that cause I live in Kentucky) and you can tell that Kacie is super nervous about her pops breaking things down with Ben right quick. So to avoid any uncomfortable situations for herself and leave them all for Ben, she and her sister head into the other room. There Kacie let’s her sister know it’s time to pick out the wedding colors cause Ben is HER man. After they settle on hot pink and teal, we learn that Kacie’s parents (or just her Dad maybe) are super serious and kinda controlling. This leads me to believe this whole Bachelor nonsense has been a move to get them to loosen the reigns a little (or a chance for her to loosen her morals – either way).

Ben and Daddy-O sit down for their one-on-one and needless to say, it’s a LEEETTTLE awkward. Bottom line: Kacie’s Dad wants them to slow their roll and not even THINK about marriage yet. Add a couple more awkward silences and you get the picture. He also puts his foot down and tells Ben to let Kacie know now if she’s NOT the one. Uh-oh. Ben tells us he’s “not sure he likes me.” Drew responds, “probably not since your hair is longer than his wife’s.” Truth.

Kacie’s mom adds to the pressure by giving Ben the third degree about Kacie moving to California and the horror of her moving in with him. Thoroughly scared, Ben packs up his stuff, leaves his food and gets the hell out of there.

Next stop… Ft. Worth, TX with Nicki

“I love Texas everything and Texas Nicki, that’s the best part.” Yes this is a direct quote from Ben Flajnik. Definitely a keeper.

So this is how you do it. (Image: ABC)

So we meet up with Nicki in Texas and it appears that even at home she has horrible fashion sense. Clearly her love of off-the-shoulder shirts runs deep. Woof.

Once again, Ben notices the horribleness of her outfit and makes a beeline for a new fit (remember Puerto Rico?). This time, instead of traditional Puerto Rican garb, it’s traditional cowboy wear in Texas. Ah, stereotypes.

They head into the boot store where Nicki likens finding “the one” to picking the right pair of boots. “Finding the right boot is just like finding the right partner in life,” she says as I run to the bathroom to vomit.

Performing at 8 at tonight's Rodeo. (Image: ABC)

Nicki abandons her sparkly off-the-shoulder sweater for a sparkly, off the shoulder glitter explosion and it’s time to head to the local saloon (Where are they? Texas circa 1885?) to wet their whistle. I’m so distracted by Nicki’s sparkles that I don’t even notice the cowboy fit Ben has thrown on. Oh these two. A quick whiskey later and these crazy kids are off to meet the folks.

Before they arrive, Nicki tells us that she’s expecting a lot of questions from her parents. First one that comes to mind for me is “What in the F are you wearing?” But maybe that’s just me.

Nicki also tells us there is going to be a lot of talk about the Big D (and she don’t mean Dallas). Nothing like bringing home your new boyfriend to talk about your failed marriage. Get excited.

So we arrive and if you were already confused about how to tell Nicki and Kacie B. apart, this isn’t going to help. It appears Nicki’s Mom and Dad look shockingly similar to Kacie’s parents. If Nicki had a sister, I’d be seriously creeped out. Instead, she has a little brother who I don’t think says one word the entire filming.

Nicki and her Mom break off for some seriously embarrassing girl talk while Nicki’s Dad gets serious with Ben. Not gonna lie, her Dad seems pretty sweet. Dad seems to dig Ben and just asks him to take it slow (he can’t be paying for another wedding again so quick!).

Since Nicki loves loves loves to jabber box about her feelings, she pulls Ben aside to let him know she’s in love with him (isn’t this like the 35th time she’ told him?), he responds with a sufficiently awkward, “Really?” and they kiss.

The night comes to a close and Nicki walks Ben out where she proceeds to wave and cry until she can’t see his Escalade anymore.

Save the worst for last. Courtney’s Evil Lair aka Scottsdale, AZ.

Courtney meets Ben and it’s all baby talk and lip biting. Ugh.

Thankfully, we head straight to her parents house so we can finally figure out where this all started but not before Ben tells us he saw his “past, present and future” on his last date with Courtney. WOOF. Thankfully, he follows this with the comment, “It would bother me to end up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, prepare to be bothered.

They arrive and it’s straight to the table where of course, Courtney sits right in the middle. Not sure why they sit down at all though because two seconds late Courtney’s sister (and her seriously ombre hair) sneak out to chat. Courtney’s sister knows everything about her (do you think she knows she’s a model?) so she’s excited to get her thoughts on Ben. I stop paying attention and then it turns to the guy talk.

Courtney’s Dad asks Ben if he’s ready to bet on love (wait, is he a big Bachelor fan? Watch your back CH!) to which Ben responds “All IN!” while visions of skinny dipping dance in his head.

Next up is a chat with Courtney’s mom where we finally find out where Courtney’s weird lip and vapid, glossed over eyes come from. Their conversation bores me until my ears perk when Courtney says “If he keeps it up, I’ll be ready to say yes when he proposes to me.” Oh Courtney, it’s always all about you isn’t it?

We’ve seen enough so it’s time for their local park date.

Raise your hand if you were surprised when Courtney took Ben to the park where she had her first modeling gig. If your hand is raised, you should X out of her right now.

Next question, raise your hand if you were surprised that Courtney threw a fake wedding. Okay, I didn’t think Courtney was this kind of crazy. Mean, conniving, slutty, insulting, self-centered crazy? Yes. Faux-wedding crazy? Didn’t realize she had it in there.

So here’s where the seriously bad secondary embarrassment set in. I am not joking when I say I had embarrassed goose-bumps for this entire segment.

Courtney and Ben are just sitting on a bench when she mentions seeing a wedding there before. Ben asks if there is one going on this afternoon, not knowing that Courtney has an evil plot to marrying him right then and there. No really, she does.

It's the creepy country wedding I've always dreamed of. (Image: ABC)

Since she obviously, wore a white dress. She doesn’t need to change but she’s packed a bag of tricks (I’m getting embarrassed just writing this now) which include:

  • Pen and Paper to write their Vows.
  • A bow tie for Ben.
  • Fake Rings.

Yes, this is real life. Yes, this is happening on your television screen. Yes, I fear the apocalypse is near.

Could this be any worse, I think no until, yup – there is an officiant there.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Ben going through with this? Seems like this is a kind of extreme way to just tell someone you love them.

I am in literal shock as I watch them recite vows and go through an entirely faux wedding. This is insanity. I mean, they put rings on each other and say “With this ring, I thee wed.” Words cannot explain the shock and embarrassment. They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and I am frozen in place on my couch.

So so so creepy. (Image: ABC)

Seriously, is there no sanctity for marriage? Does Courtney know she’s not just modeling this wedding? Ahhhh.

Thank god it ends and it’s time to get rid of one of these ladies.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben sits down with our man Chris Harrison who does a thorough recap of all the hometowns. No lie, I fast forwarded through this since I just sat through 90 minutes of hometowns.

Rose Time.

I’ve got a feeling this one is going to be epic (ly-bad). My pick to go home, Nicki (I don’t read the spoilers anymore so just humor me).

  • Courtney… “I do.” Woof.
  • Lindzi

Down to the twins.

  • Nicki.

Wait What? WOAH Nicki! I definitely thought he’d pick Kacie B. Looks like her Dad really did a number on him (Or it could have been that awful dress, either way).

While the other (read: nice) girls give her a huge to say goodbye, Courtney makes an stretched out stork face sways around in her weird, inability to connect with others (and show real emotion) way.

A quick walk out and we’re in the limo where things get rough.

“Why am I not good enough? Why Why? How did this happen?… What the F*** happened? What the f*** happened?”

Yikes. What do you think the producers say to them in there? I’d LOVE to have that job. (Sorry I would, I can’t help it.)

Poor Kacie. It seems like your parents happened honey. That your baton routine.

Enough crying, gotta keep the love train on track. Next stop, a “perfect place to fall in love,” Switzerland!

The next place their going is the perfect place to fall in love. Duh. Switzerland.

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Bad News Bears – The Bachelor Recap will be Late. Stupid DirectTV

Hey friends. So I’ve got some bad news. Last night, I had to get a late start on our old Bachelor Ben. So around 9 I settled in, ready to cue up this week’s dose of Secondary Embarrassment. I hit the DVR button and went into a ridiculous panic when I realized that my stupid DVR had decided not to record The Bachelor instead focusing on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (doesn’t it know that RHOBH is on repeat like every five minutes but Bachelor is only on ONCE! shouldn’t it know these things?). Obviously, I am blaming the DVR (and my inability to accept our switch to Direct TV) for my own mental error.

I did end up catching the last hour and gah, could Courtney have been any worse. Seriously, it’s like her evil powers (and annoying habits) grow exponentially each week. I promise to do a full recap later tonight but since I can’t leave you for a full day without getting some thoughts off my chest, here’s a quick little recap nugget.

Image: ABC

The Top 10 Most Annoying Things Courtney Did or Said Last Night [in the Final Hour].
(Sorry, it’s all I can focus on other than the blond girls crying).

10. The Lip Biting.
Okay, so I know this is NOT new but it still annoys me to no end. Does she think it’s sexy? Cute? Pretty? Does Ben find it attractive? Has he told her that her lip biting is his favorite thing about her? Someone please Make. It. Stop.And in the mouth twitch and you’ve got an SE overload.

9. The Skipping.
We all know I’ve hated on Lindzi and Kacie B. for being juvenile but Courtney is just as bad it seems. Why why why does she have to skip to pick up her rose? Not only is it annoying but it is so bitchy in the most childish way possible. I wish Rachel or Emily would have pushed her when she did a hop jump back to her spot in line last night. UGHHHH.

8. Fake Positivity
So at last night’s faux-cocktail party, I wanted to reach through the TV and tip Courtney over in her chair when she shared her thoughts with the group of nervous girls. “I’m not nervous!” she exclaimed before taking a rip of her Pina Colada. While I wished and prayed for her to get the brain freeze to end all brain freezes, she waxed poetic about how the pina colada tasted “so good when it hits your lips.” Probably was icing them down after weeks filled with non-stop biting.

7. Spying from her Balcony like the Evil Queen she is.
While Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel were enjoying a nice pool-side wrap up to their date with Ben, the Evil Queen Courtney watched over them from her balcony perch – muttering incantations in hopes of thwarting her arch nemesis Kacie B.’s advances on her Prince Charming. Despite watching their puppy-love filled interactions, Courtney the Creeper’s confidence couldn’t be stopped. “I’m not really that worried about her. She’s not like competition.She’s like a little girl in a little boy’s body.” Which leads me to…

6. Courtney’s Superiority Complex.
I’m all for being a strong, confident woman. I’m all for being proud of your achievements. But Courtney’s confidence is becoming its own character. Her false sense of superiority leaches into everything she says and does. Whether it’s (once-again) mentioning she’s a model (more on that later), or her eye-rolling at everything anyone else says, or the dismissive shoulder shrugs, or constantly talking about how confident she is about getting the rose, “Well, I’m feeling good!” – it’s annoying. And beyond that it’s embarrassing. We get it – you’re pretty and he likes you. But is it really necessary to rub it in everyone’s face non-stop? I wish Emily would have just pushed her in her face before leaving the show.

5. She’s a Model.
Or as she put it this week, “I’m the talent and I have to make everyone happy.” Yup. She said she’s the talent. This was before going into a diatribe about how hard her job is and her constant quest to keep everyone happy (and by everyone she must mean everyone NOT on this show). If you missed her “talent” comment you mostly certainly haven’t missed one of the other 134350345345430 times she mentions “I’m a model.”

4. The catch-phrases.
Which one is your favorite? “See ya, wouldn’t want to be  ya.” or “Winning!” Because she’s used both at least five times. Enough. You are not Charlie Sheen (is it bad that I would rather watch Charlie Sheen than Courtney) nor are you a 7-year-old on the playground (well, maybe she is). Maybe you like when she looks into the camera with her dead eyes and fake shoots the girls. I know watching that was a low point in my life. Some other highlights, ‘When in Belize!”

3. The Sing-Songy Talking
Courtney half sings all of her insults. You may not have noticed this since it’s not quite as obvious as her quest to rid her face of its upper lip but it’s there. She uses it to mask insults, mock achievements, to compliment herself and to say “I like YOUUUU” to Ben. Woof Woof Woof.

2. The Insults.
Despite pretending to act like she’s above the insults and the cattiness, Courtney is the queen of the insult. Rather than go into it, watch and learn.

Actually, this video adequately sums up all of the above points.

1. The Act
The most annoying thing about Courtney is the act she’s putting on. The worst part is that it is obviously an act. Like when she tells Ben she needs to be reassured and that she’s having a really hard time before heading back to the hotel to wreck havoc on the psyche of her fellow suite-mates. She puts this little wounded girl act on whenever she’s with Ben. It’s THE WORST! No actually, the worst is the possibility of her winning. Which I’m pretty sure happens. UGH.

 

Okay, I’ll be back with more later! Until then… stay tuned!

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“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part II

When I left you all we had just finished the group date. Well, I wish I was coming back with something more exciting to start with but alas, all I have is an Elyse one-on-one. Blech.

Oh but I will jump in and say that Bachelor Producer Robert Mills (@millsy11374) gave SE a twitter shout out today! This is the 2nd time (eek!!) he’s shared the SE but the first time I got some feedback. Needless to say, this little blogger was excited. AND… he said they’d be using competitive dates again. Double bonus.

Elyse is BEYOND excited (more excited than me getting re-tweeted) for this date which is going to make it all the worse when she goes on the date and Ben wonders who she is and why’s she’s been around this long. But really, she is SERIOUSLY excited. Like I think she may throw up she’s that excited. All. Bad. Signs.

Elyse – Let’s go somewhere private.

Elyse is literally crying she’s so excited (??). Someone needs to get this girl a glass of champagne. STAT.

She gets it together enough to throw together an outfit using her tangerine nails as a style guide. That and a leopard print bikini and she’s ready to go.

Uh oh. It’s the boat date. Boat dates are always a bad omen. Brittany got booted on the boat day during Brad’s season, Ben (some other initial) got left on a raft on Ashley’s season and well Kasey Kahl got left on that iceberg (okay so it wasn’t a boat but it was a large body of water and it was awesome that he got abandoned).

Courtney, while a total bitch, has been pretty spot on this episode with her commentary. “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one doesn’t really bother me… I hope I got her number, I may not be seeing her later. I could use a personal trainer. [insert weird lip/mouth motion]” If she wasn’t trying so hard to be the next Michelle Money I might appreciate these comments more.

Tuxes on a First Date?

Okay, so date time. Strike one comes early when Elyse tells Ben (while constantly messing with her MASSIVE mane of hair) that she’s accomplished everything she wanted to so far. Ben calls her on it and I immediately know this date is going to be one for the SE record books.

She blabbers on about quitting her job to be on the show, to which I’m sure Ben made an “oh shit” face. But then I think about it and if you’re a personal trainer, is it really a “job?” Don’t you just go back to training your clients. (Okay probably not, please don’t send me mean emails Personal Trainers of the world). It’s at this point that we notice the dingy being drug along behind the boat. This must be Elyse’s sayonara water taxi, right?

After hearing enough about Elyse’s “accomplishments” (that’s in quotes because is moving to Florida really an accomplishment?), Ben suggests they dive off their floating mansion.

The jump is not just a fun water activity for Elyse, no she is literally jumping off the deep end into love with Ben. Exact quote. ‘There’s nothing better than the feeling of being in love.” For the sake of SE, I’m going to assume this was NOT taken out of context and proclaim “YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!!” Seriously, I yelled that at the TV. Loud. Really really Loud.

The last supper.

The second half of the date takes place on the beach where the two are dressed in black-tie attire for dinner (why?!?). This is just going to make the inevitable all the worse. He didn’t even love her in her best dress.

If this dinner could be any worse, it would be that Brittany/Brad date. Elyse talks the entire time while Ben fights the feeling to push her chair over and walk away. No but really, he stares off into space dreaming of scooby snacks and skinny dipping while Elyse dreams out their future together.

This goes on until Ben literally cannot take it anymore, so he begins his date wrap up speech. The cruel twist is that he’s holding the rose. So Elyse is all excited, huge smile on her face, thinking that she’s got this in the bag. But then the moment changes and Drew cowers behind his laptop praying that this will all just end before it’s even begun.

We’re forced to suffer through a cringe-worthy, embarrassing goose bump inducing, secondary embarrassment overload. The tears come fast and furious and it’s all downhill. He breaks the news and then does the one thing that infuriates me more than anything on this show, he walks her “out” while holding her hand.

You just broke this poor, pathetic girl’s hopes and dreams – just let her leave on her own.

He leads her down the beach while she wonders aloud what she did wrong. Oh Elyse, sometimes two people just aren’t a match but if you want specifics that dress was horrible, a ponytail never hurt a girl and tone down the tanning.

And then there it is. The getaway boat. It’s not the yacht dingy but a little coast guard-type boat ready to get her out of the picture. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they cue the David Gray music. NO NO NOOOOOO!!!! Why must they torture this perfectly good song? I’ll never be able to truly enjoy it again.

The date finally ends with Ben poignantly dropping the rose in the sand.

END SCENE.

But wait, there’s no time for sulking – Crazy Courtney is here to make it all better. She’s positioned her stalker self outside his hotel room and waited with wine, nothing on, lotion, a knife and a slew of compliments… for herself of course.

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” “I hope I’m a vision for him.” “I’m little miss sunshine, I just sprinkle it around.”

Yes, those are all direct quotes. The last one being BY FAR the worst.

They head out to the beach where Courtney and Ben quickly disrobe and Baywatch it into the ocean. Some overly familiar heavy petting ensues while I fight the urge to heave my dinner. They have to skinny dip because (as Courtney reminded us like 19 times) “You’re only in Puerto Rice once.”

That Courtney. She’s something isn’t she?

Rose Ceremony Time.

The first question the group of girls discuss is their confidence level. Courtney evokes her most annoying feature, her mouth, to do some weird lip pop while emphatically saying “Yup!”

Jennifer is one of the first to score some alone time with Ben where we catch a glipse of her seriously unfortunate flip flops (c’mon Red!). Her time gets pretty awkward as she gushes about how much she likes Ben. When she said “I think we’re on a path to love” I got the SE chills.

Next up Blakely, who confesses to keeping a daily affirmation journal of her love for Ben (creepy kinda). This blog is pretty similar wouldn’t you say?

Blakely has finally opened herself up to love and is ready to move forward with Ben or any other man if this whole thing doesn’t work. You know, she’s just gotta keep her options open. Strippers need love too. This outpouring of affection is sealed with a wet, sloppy, aggressive (did you see the grip she had on his face?) open mouth kiss.

Back to the girls who are coincidentally talking about skinny dipping (c’mon one of those girls had to be planted). Courtney can barely keep her secret. She looks like a 6 year-old girl just ready to burst at the seams.

After some time with Rachel and then Lindzi, it’s Emily’s turn. I’m hoping Em can keep it under control since she seems nice and mildly normal. Nope – she tells Ben she’s not going to talk about Courtney and then proceeds to talk about her for their entire time together. Ben is NOT digging it (we know this because the producers play Track 8 – “Not digging it” from their greatest hits soundtrack) and I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one leaving us tonight. Oh Emily, I had such high hopes for you.

One last note, what is Kacy S. still doing there? All she does is sit next to Courtney and reassure her. She is the Karen Smith to her Regina George.

Rose Time:

Kacie B. and Nicki (the twins) have roses.

  • Lindzi – He loves her even if she does act 11.
  • Jamies – Woah Prom Dress.
  • Rachel – Yay!
  • Courtney – Stop biting that lip!
  • Kacy S.
  • Blakely

Last rose goes to… Jennifer or Emily….

  • Emily! Woah, she got the cool your crazy rose two weeks in a row. She must be a good kisser or something.

That means Jennifer’s “path to love” has hit a dead-end. And this dead-end is a doozy. This interview is full of hiccup cries (has there ever been anything worse on TV/film than a hiccup cry?). I hate hiccup cries. Couple those with a “I just wonder what I did wrong” and I’m ready to change the channel. Oh this one is BAD. I’m afraid she may choke on her tears. Hopefully there’s a medic somewhere near. Yikes.

Enough of that, let’s talk about next week’s trip. It’s off to Panama City which promises to be full of Emily/Courtney drama, crying, binge drinking, crying, someone leaving, kissing, hot tubs and bikinis. Woo Hoo.

This was by far the best episode of the season and it gave me the mid-season boost I needed to continue.
What were your favorite/least favorite moments? Who’s your favorite? How much do you hate Courtney?

Also, if you get a chance please head over here and vote for me for best style blogger for my other blog LouWhatWear.com. Just scroll down and vote for Danielle! Seriously, it would mean the WORLD to me!

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“Who knew strippers could play baseball?” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part I

“This is where it starts to get serious.” Yup friends, it’s not all open mouth kissing and champagne-fueled group dates anymore (well, it’s still about those things, just not ALL about those things. It’s serious now, c’mon.)

Things are getting serious in Puerto Rico (we know all the girls made it cause they give us a half-second clip of home videos from the plane. Yay! Puerto Rico!) which as it happens, “is a great place to fall in love.” Let’s be real. They say that about every place they dump these girls. ABC could literally drop them in the middle of a decaying neighborhood in Detroit or some empty field in the middle of nowhere and they’d be all “this is the PERFECT place to find love.”

So they make it to the hotel where Courtney shoves the other girls out-of-the-way, claims her evil lair and begins to make plans for the week in Puerto Rican paradise.

Before Courtney (in her ironic “Be Nice” over-sized tee) can unpack her cauldron, Chris Harrison pops in (index finger ring and all – did you guys see that?) and breaks it down for the dense group of girls who are still “ooohing” and “ahhing” around the suite. Here’s how it’s going down:

Everyone gets to go on a date. Two one-on-ones and one group date. Don’t blow it (proverbially NOT literally) and make the most of your time (he’s looking at you Emily. No more Courtney talk. You’ve officially been warned.)

It’s date card time.

Nicki – Let’s find new love in old San Juan.
(yeah, it was written in Spanish but SE is only conversational in espanol.)

Before Nicki can go stare at herself in the mirror and decide if her appearance is worthy of Ben’s love, Courtney drops in with one of her, now trademark, one liners (or threats, tomAto toMAHto) for Emily. In the eternal works of the great poet Ice Cube, “You better check yourself…”

Back to Nicki, who apparently has NO friends in the house to tell her she looks MIZZ, who has thrown on the ugliest dress in her suitcase for her first one-on-one with Ben. She’s in luck though because Ben (who is sporting some champagne-induced man boobs) is sporting an equally unfortunate ‘fit.

They hop into a helicopter, ABC’s version of a taxi cab, and head off to explore Old San Juan. They’re exploring the city streets and basking in their new-found love (also known as the first date on this show) when Nicki proclaims “It’s like God is smiling down on us right now.” God, who most certainly doesn’t want to be associated with this show, responds with a torrential downpour.

It’s quite clear that God also wasn’t a huge fan of those outfits and the rain storm has provided a blessing in disguise – a necessary costume change. I say costume because they both choose the most ridiculously awesome Latin outfits in the shack shop.

Drew and I agree that Ben should wear his all-white get (with hat) the rest of the season or at least for the duration of his trip to Puerto Rico.

But I LOVE this dress! (Image: Buddy TV)

In their fresh new garb, they set out and happen to stumble upon a wedding (something that these two will never share). This causes Nicki to lose control and blabber on endlessly about wanting love and marriage again. Ben gets that glazed over look which usually means he’ll be going in for a kiss shortly to end the conversation (works every time!).

I will pause here and say that I’ve done some pretty serious hating on Nicki up until this point but she’s not half-bad. Dare I say I may like her? Okay, no I won’t go that far but she doesn’t suck or make me want to bang my head against the wall (which on this show is the exception NOT the rule).

It’s on to the dinner portion of our date and yes, Ben is wearing suspenders with his khakis and white Henley. Although these suspenders are not suspending anything. Oh Ben.

Ben has barely taken a seat before Nicki jumps head first into wedding and marriage talk. (“Too Soon! TOO SOON!” I yell at the screen.) All this commitment talk is making Ben (and his hair) sweat, so of course, he goes in for a kiss.

A quick look at the suite… shows the girls in a dog fight over who “deserves” the other coveted one-on-one dates. While Blakely and Elyse go back and forth, Courtney sits off to the side – watching and judging.

Group date card arrives and the group date goes to Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily, Rachel, Kacy S., Jamie and Blakely.

And so it’s settled, Elyse wins the battle of the one-on-ones.

Back to Sally Sad Sack talking about her divorce. Ben loves the sadness and the fact that Nicki is always about 3 seconds away from crying, so she gets the rose! And they seal it with a wet, open mouth kiss.

Some notes from this date: How much does Nicki love saying “second chance at love?” Or really just the word “chance.” Also, if she is going to continue along this “journey” she’s going to need to step up her clothing game. That dress was unfortunate. And last but certainly not least, their final kiss in that weird chair was BEYOND awkward. Did you see how scrunched up Ben was?

Group Date: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

While the girls are dreaming up some fancy Neal Lane shopping date, Ben has something more exciting in store – baseball (yes, you read that right).

The ladies put on their most competitive (read: tight) athletic wear and suit up for day of drills with the Gigantes. Surprise of the night: Blakely played softball in high school AND college. Who knew?  This should be interesting.

After some lame hitting and throwing drills, CH steps up with a megaphone to reel it all in (who wishes he did that more often?), “Ladies, Ladies.” If CH is on the scene, you know things are about to get weird so I’m clearly hype.

So instead of the entire group cleaning up for a beach night, the girls will be split into teams to compete for the second half of the date. TWIST!

And, to take it one notch farther, one lucky lady will be batting for both teams (eww, not like that) with a guaranteed spot at the bonfire. Ben’s choice! DOUBLE TWIST!

Yes, I am a genious. (Image: ABC)

Ben, taking pity on her piss-poor at best baseball skills, picks Lindzi to be the MVP (Most Vapid Player).

Courtney and Blakely are captains and get to pick their squads. It shakes down like this.

Evil Queen Gang aka the Red Team: Courtney, Kacie B., Kacy S. and Jamie.

Strippers Need Love Too Posse aka the Black Team: Blakely, Emily, Rachel and Jennifer.

This game was a literal smorgasborg of secondary embarrassment. There were errant passes, strike outs, horrible fielding, tons of shouts of “let’s do this bitches!” and awkward running. One bright note, Blakely is surprisingly awesome at softball. On another bright note, Courtney had the line of the night when she said “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” The player caliber led this to be a pretty close game and it all came down to Red. We’re in extra innings, black team only needs (like they “NEED” the time with Ben) one run to tie it up again. We’re down to the wire… the ball is throw … STRIKE THREE.

Yup, ole Red blew it for the whole squad. Courtney’s team celebrates on the field in a shower of champagne while the black team retreats to the dugout to cry away their lives with Ben.

I’m a bit frightened for Red cause it seems that Blakely is taking this so poorly that she may just tackle her … or kill her in her sleep.

Oh well, once again the Bachelor taxi arrives (don’t make me tell you it’s a helicopter) to whisk them off to the beach. The losers hop on a bus and head home, alone in the dark.

Notes from this date: I’m going to go ahead and say this date was some of the producers best work. Cheers to you ABC. I’m thinking competitive sports/games should be a regular occurrence on the show. Also, I am extremely surprised that Courtney failed to drop a “Winning!” line on this date. I’m disappointed with you Courtney.

You ruined EVERYTHING. (Image: ABC)

Beach Date Time.

While the losers ride home with a serious case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the winners escape for a night away with Ben. Upon arrival, Courtney sums up the competition like only she can. She waxes poetic on why she’s superior to all the remaining girls except the Snow White to her Evil Queen – Kacie B.

Kacie B. wonders if Ben is scared about committing to a serious relationship to which he defensively responds like a little kid, “I’m not scared, No No, I’m NOT scared. I’m not scared.” He should be scared of Kacie B.’s hair though. Can’t Blakely blow out that mane? That and her XXL crochet sweater dress do not say sexy.

So we all hook up now right? (Image: ABC)

But apparently, Ben doesn’t agree and runs off to get her the rose. He presents the rose, they open mouth kiss (blech) and their time is over.

Not one to let anyone else gloat, Courtney accepts the challenge and whisks Ben off for some alone time. Out on the beach, she tells Ben what she really “needs” from him in her best fake needy voice. She lays it on sweet and then finishes him off with a little bit of sexy by whispering in his ear that she thinks they should go skinny dipping. Idea planted, she returns to the group, proud of how her plan is unfolding.

 

Okay friends, last night’s episode was actually good which means I have a ton to write about. This also means it takes a TON of time. So, we’re going to make this a two-parter. I’ll be back later this afternoon with more from last night’s “SHOCKING” episode of The Bachelor.

To be continued…

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The Evil Plot Continues. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 4 Recap

Sorry this recap is so later. I watched last night’s episode with my family in Miami and spent the day traveling back home to Louisville. So I apologize for the delay, hopefully it’s worth the wait (probably not but oh well, it’s all I’ve got).

This week we’re in the perfect place to fall in love. Perfect place, perfect guy, everything is just perfect. Well everything except Courtney. But more on that later, let’s hear what Ben thinks about Park City, Utah.

“There is every color in the rainbow” here in Park City according to our resident poet Ben. Ahh Ben, your words paint a beautiful picture.

We get a small clip of home video footage so we know the girls made it. Get ready for a week full of nature…. and champagne.

The girls arrive in their always fabulous hotel home for the week and we’re subject to the standard minute of “Oohs,” “Wows!” and “There’s a hot tub!!”Between gushing, we find out that, the always on the verge of tears, Nicki is really nervous. Shocker.

But there’s no time to fret because Chris Harrison is in the house, looking oh so casual-chic in his half-zip pullover. You can tell he’s just getting this little piece of business out of the way before he heads out for a full day of skiing and apres-ski hot tubbing.

The run down for this episode is as follows: 3 dates. 1 group. 2 one-on-ones. One rose on each date. To which you’re probably saying “duh” but this time Chris isn’t just here to drop the date card and run. He gets real with the chicks and let’s them know that this shizz is important so no more talking about the weather (chances that’s just a request from producers?). It’s time to get real and talk love.

Yup, they're competing for this guy's love and affection.

First up. Rachel – Let Nature Takes It’s Course.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty happy that Rachel finally gets a one-on-one. I’ve liked her from the start so I was hoping this was her time to shine. Unfortunately, I was wrong. But before we get into that, we have to hear Kacie B. whining about missing out on the date card. Our favorite baton twirler has fallen HARD for Bachelor Ben and is having a hell of hard time sharing him with the others. It’s so rough that the thought of it is making her nauseous. Too bad that’s what this show is all about.

 

While the girls grill Rachel about the upcoming date, Kacie B. fights back the spits well that is until Ben walks in and saves her weak stomach. Crisis Averted.

Scratch that, back to Kacie B. who is now talking about how the last thing she wants to see is another girl riding in a helicopter with Ben. This interview is interrupted by the sounds of the girls yelling, “Look! It’s a helicopter!” and her worst fears are realized instantaneously. You’d almost think someone was filming them? Is this a set up?

Enough of Kacie B. and her maddening love for Ben. There’s a helicopter date going on. Side note: I’m happy they’ve brought back the mid-season helicopter date. That was seriously lacking last season.

So up in the heli, Ben and Rachel do exactly what CH told them not to do – they talk about the weather/scenery. Strike One.

Strike two comes moments later as these two take their pic-a-nic basket down to the water front. This date is not coming along as I expected. I was hoping for Rachel to be normal, cool, confident and generally awesome. Instead she comes off as guarded, awkward, mildly insecure but still really pretty.

They pile into a canoe where the awkward convo continues. Thankfully Ben uses his signature move, the filling awkward silences with an open mouth kiss, and while it’s still uncomfortable to watch, it’s WAY better than listening to them say “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” for the 33342305345th time.

Back at the resort…Monica baits Kacie B. into talking about how obsessed she is with Ben. Has she been planted by the producers? A few crazy in love comments later and we’re back to …

Rachel and Ben. Maybe it’s because they’re not total trainwrecks but this is a BORING date. Really boring. Rachel spends almost every moment telling us how nervous she is. We get it Rachel. But really, this is a television show you gotta do SOMETHING. Anything over than talking about the scenery and weather.

Since this date gets painfully drawn out, I’m going to spare all of us the misery. Here’s how it goes down. Dinner date. Awkward convo. Rachel finally opens up. Something about being bad at dating. Looking pretty. Drinking Champagne. Open Mouth Kissing. Rose Getting. Date Ending.

Group Date: Taking the Bait with Jamie, Kacy S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and DUH DUN DUN Courtney.

A note about Courtney before we head out on the group date.

Courtney is a psychopath…. and running the risk of eating her bottom lip. (Is that bugging the shit out of anyone else? Seriously, that lip thing is beginning to INFURIATE me. How can we make it stop?)

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, we can focus on the date.


The girls put on their best country looks and meet up with their “cowboy” which in Park City is synonymous with “Knight in Shining Armor with long flowing brown hair.”

Turns out they all get to go horse back riding which immediately sends Lindzi into a horsey frenzy. Ole girl loves her some horses.

While Lindzi prefers the company of horses, Nicki prefers anything and everything to do with Ben. She is some obsessed with him, which wouldn’t be so absurd except that that it seems like she hasn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone with him this season.

The girls dismount and it’s on to the fly fishing portion of the date. Here’s where things really get fishy.

Outfitted in their waders, Kacie B. continues along the road to crazy town while Courtney continues along the road to be hated by every TV viewer in America.

Courtney on Kacie B. (this starts the trend of the producers sharing Courtney’s insights on all the girls) “I think [she] is sweet and cute… and annoying.” Oh Courtney, we can always count on you to say something nice.

This leads nicely into the …

Live look at the girls left behind. Yes, it appears that everyone is just sitting around and talking shit about Courtney which, at first, seems a little annoying but then I realize that if I was there I would totally be doing the same thing (except I would never be there, such a conundrum).

Back on the date though, Courtney can do no wrong in our Bachelor’s eyes. He is a smitten kitten. The dorky smile on his face as he talks about her says it all.

Ben abandones the safety of the other girls and ventures into Courtney’s evil web of lies. There he is caught (no pun intended) and hooked (okay, that one was intended). Courtney holds him in her grasp with her hair touching, lip biting and stupidity.


The producers realize the girls haven’t had a drink in approximately 5 hours, so they hand them all a beer which gives Lindzi the liquid courage to sabotage Courtney’s one on one time. She’s about to hook Ben but then Courtney hooks a fish and Lindzi is sent back to the back, tail between her horsey legs.

Courtney’s evil plan conitnues to unfold perfectly while the girls complain aloud, pissed that the Wicked Witch has caught the proverbial fish that is Ben.

Enough of this fishing nonsense, let’s skip ahead to the bikinis and binge drinking portion of our date.

Side note: How have Jamie and Kacy S. made it this long?

And as if on cue, ready to provide an answer to everyone’s question – Ben pulls Kacy S. aside. Ben is clearly taken with her which is confusing since I thought he just met her.

While they chit chat, the girls consider toasting/making a pact (that’s how you make a pact on this show – with champagne, duh) to not interrupt each others alone time. Nicki immediately pulls back her glass, says “Nicki don’t play that” and storms off to interrupt the shit out of Kacy’s alone time. Get it girl.

During their solo time, Nicki drops a sob story about her boss passing away. They then bond because Ben too lost someone before leaving for filming. This is an emotional moment. How do I know that? Because the producers cued up Track 7: Super Sad Dead Friend/Relative Music from The Bachelor: Hits to Hook Up To. Their shared emotion obviously leads to an open mouth kiss which concludes their time together because obviously, what more could Ben want with her?

On to the next one, which as it happens is one of my favorites (more in a train wreck way than a seriously good way) – Samantha Sash. Sweet little Sam brought along the girls, who she thinks are her secret weapons. Instead they are her achilles heal, well them and her acid mouthed tongue.

Here’s where things get weird. So Sam grills Ben. Asking him why she hasn’t had a one-on-one, wondering if he really likes her, wondering where this will go. Then Ben breaks it to her. She is “highly emotional” and this shit ain’t going no where. Samantha is as shocked as we are, the crying starts, she says her goodbyes and she hits the road.

The worst part is that he walks her out. Just let her leave with dignity.

As Samantha exits, Courtney  (who apparently is the new narrator – COME BACK CH! Don’t leave us alone with her!) mutters “Excellent” under her breath and enjoys seeing another girl bite the dust.

With Samantha discarded, Ben turns his attention to the always needy Kacie B. He takes her off to his room where he makes her feel “special.” No telling what exactly that means but I don’t think I want to know. After some insanely uncomfortable and LOUD kissing (during which time I noticed how horrible Ben’s hair really is), Ben takes Kacie B. back to hot tub where we have to pay more attention to Courtney.

The last part of her plot to ruin the group date involves her laying on top of Ben in her bikini while complaining that she is “having a hard time pretending to be human.” She drops this line on him as he goes in for a big, wet, sloppy kiss. She puts the kibosh on that. No kissing until she gets that rose. She weaves a sob story about how she’s feeling vulnerable, unsure and is not doing well in the house (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I scream at the TV to which my family responds with scared glances). Since Ben is totally wrapped up in her spell, he immediately jumps up, sprints to the rose and delivers it at her feet. She rewards him with a scooby snack while I yell, scream and get oddly upset about his idiocy (why why why am I surprised).

This exchange makes me 100% positive that she is an evil witch. Well that and her saying “Winning!” a la Charlie Sheen three times in this episode alone. Ugh, I hate her.

Craters and Country with Jennifer.

The last date is by far the worst date of the season so far and not just because of Jennifer’s awful outfit.

Let’s talk about it. You’re telling me that no one in that house could have lent her something better to wear than a ratty sweater, some baby blue uber flare bell bottoms circa 2001 and some low-top Converse sneakers. Blech.

The first part of the date involves Jennifer and Ben hiking to a crater where they rappel into the pool below. This TERRIFIES Jennifer for some reason and I stop paying attention as she shrieks like a little girl the entire way down. They take a quick swim (and we get a look at Jennifer’s horrible yellow bikini that she picked up 15 years ago at 5-7-9) and we’re painfully forced to watch them tread water. I think that may be the worst SE I’ve had all season. Jennifer seriously looked like she might drown. Someone throw that girl a floaty. Please. Make. It. Stop.


On to dinner, where “nothing can ruin [her] perfect date with Ben.” Um, I can think of one thing, not getting a rose.

After some seriously boring conversation, Jennifer snags the rose and some loud wet kisses. He must have a thing for red heads.

Getting the rose means Jennifer has earned the right to attend the final portion of the date – a Clay Walker concert. This hurts my heart since I like Clay Walker. You’re better than this Clay – so much better. They sing (but definitely don’t know the words) and dance. One thing that Jennifer didn’t get is dipped. Did you all see her throw her head back and leg up, not once but TWICE, in an attempt to get dipped? It was AH – MAH – ZING. If you DVR’ed it, please go back and check it out. I definitely watched it like 6 times.

Rose Ceremony Time.

As I said, I watched this episode at home and before this segment starts my mom decides to go and take a bath. I let her know that she is certainly going to miss the best part, you know the part where they get drunk and wear pretty dresses. Alas, that wasn’t enough to keep her interested. Her loss.

Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer are in the clear. Game on for the rest of the gals.

Okay but before, I have to say this Courtney lip thing is literally driving me crazy. That can’t be normal right? Why does she do that!?!

After a quick toast, he grabs Monica for some one on one time. While they get to know one another, Emily continues to fall pray to Courtney’s evil plan. We haven’t really talked out it this recap but anyone who watched the episode knows that Courtney is literally driving Emily crazy. She is unraveling and all Courtney can do is watch and smile, oh yeah and mess with her hair.

Jamie, who hasn’t spoken once this episode, drops some truth “Obviously you care about him or this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.” Uh, you think. Courtney has clearly gotten under her skin.

So Emily grabs some alone time and instead of wasting it talking about the weather, she wastes it by talking about how disingenuous one of the girls is. She says she won’t name names but then says “this girl got the rose on the group date.” Okay, way to stay cool. But much to Emily’s dismay, Ben rejects Emily’s “gossip” and tells her to go make friends.

After her awkward time with Ben, Emily comes back to talk to Kacy and Jamie about her unraveling. Bad choice to confide in Kacy, who it turns out is Courtney’s one friend in the house (so that’s how she’s stuck around so long- Courtney has let her in on the evil plot. Things are coming together).

Kacy runs back to her puppet master to let her know everything Emily has said about her. Shits about to go down.

“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me,” says Courtney. Followed by, “I almost just wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” Definitely something a nice person would do.

After some brief one-on-one time with Nicki, we get back to the real drama – the  Emily and Courtney hair twirling stand off. That’s how you know this shit is serious. Well that and the overly dramatic music.

The girls gather around in a circle and the show down begins. Courtney cackles and her evil lip takes on Emily. Emily stands no chance and withers under the pressure. She’s all sobs and runny mascara while Courtney doesn’t even break a sweat although she did sneak in another “Winning!” Woof.

Emily clearly has cracked under Courtney’s spell. The side effects are a serious face/nose twitch.

After lots more sadness, CH is on the scene looking good. But before e can even get a word in edge wise, Ben cuts in and ruins the moment.

Side notes: What’s the deal with Blakely’s love of super long dangly earrings? Are Ben and Chris wearing matching suits?

Rose time: 8 roses to hand out. One girl heading home.

Rachel, Jennifer and the Wicked Witch have Roses.

  • Lindzi
  • Jamie (still lying low, still hanging around, still wearing sparkles)
  • Nicki
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse (how is she still here?)
  • Blakely (one more girl gets to get highlights)
  • Kacy S. (at least we know who she is now)
  • Emily gets put on notice. The, as we call it around here, “keep your crazy under control” warning rose.

Aw Monica has to go home. She wasn’t half bad and her limo cry wasn’t so embarrassing. I mean, a little but not tragic.

Next stop: Puerto Rico.

To which the one-upper aka Courney replies “I was there two months ago.” Someone punch her please.

It seems next week will be chock full of more Emily & Courtney drama. That and Kacie B. being overly dramatic and familiar with Ben.

What did you think of this episode? Do you hate Courtney too? Are you afraid if you comment yes that she will cast a spell on you?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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I left my dignity in San Francisco. – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Recap

And we’re back for week three. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?

This episode is sure to be one to remember. It appears we’ll get to hear one more girl (I think the running count is 98 now) say “I can feel myself falling for {insert bachelor name here},” we’re also promised Ben describing a girl using the word “sparkles,” and {get excited} Shawntel in stripper shoes! What more could you ask for?!

The girls are excited, especially Nicki who “feels the only way” she can experience San Francisco “is with Ben.” Oh Nicki. So so desperate. I mean, one of America’s greatest cities can only be appreciated within arms reach of one of America’s shaggiest Bachelors.

When you put it in a coffee mug no one thinks Champagne. Image Source: ABC

On a side note, someone needs to cut that boy’s hair. Can’t someone just sneak in while he’s sleeping (or liqurored up after a rose ceremony) and trim that puppy up? His bangs are becoming a serious distraction. Side note number two, is Ben planning this season alone? What happened to visits to Chang Mai and Anguilla? Instead we’re just traveling up and down the coast of California. Yeah it’s nice but I like to get some value out of this show and the scenic views (no, not i’m not talking about that kind of scenic views) were one of them.

So Ben sits down with his faithful sidekick/sister Julia to give a detailed recap of last week’s episode. The breakdown makes me wonder if Ben realizes this is only week three and his “meet the fam” episode isn’t for like 9 weeks.

Half an ice tea later, Julia is bored and already significantly dumber after hearing about how amazing and ready for love each of the bimbos bachelorettes are. She wishes him luck on his “journey,” rolls her eyes and returns to her life, thanking her lucky stars that it will be three months before she has to deal with this bull again.

Thankfully, Chris Harrison swoops in to save us from Ben’s horrid, solo recaps (doesn’t he know he lacks the experience, editing know-how and access to the Bachelor soundtrack CDs that make for a success recap?). CH is here to explain how the show works to the girlies. They pretend to follow along and jump up excitedly when he throws them the date card. Unfortunately for us all, he escapes for a night of drinking with the boys while the girls clamor for the date info.

Emily, Love Lifts Us Up. – Ben. 

The girls seethed with jealousy hoping that the cryptic message means that Ben will be dumping her off the side of a building. While the other girls plot, Emily does what any girl about to go on a date does – frets. She wonders “will he like me… will he think i’m pretty… will I pee my pants?” Yes, inquiring minds want to know Emily – will you pee your pants? Ah, the perils of being a contestant on The Bachelor.

Emily’s concerns are all very valid in Courtney, the wicked witch of the west’s, dead eyes. She sees Emily’s smarts (must have remembered that she’s some sort of doctor) but in her oddest, most vapidly conniving face she proclaims into her magical mirror, “Book smart can be a little boring.”

Let the SE begin, Emily & Ben execute the awkward run meet up. This may be one of my most hated parts of this show but I am also oddly intrigued by its constant reappearance on the show. One hug and twirl later and it’s date time.

The big surprise is that they’re climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. It’s about damn time we got a date where they make one of the girls “face their fears” (this usually involves heights, crying and kissing). Some safety dude in a reflective vest reminds us this is serious business and I wish he knew just how serious. This is a climb for true love.

Hold on to my mouth.

I wonder if this is some sort of Bachelor meets Final Destination twist the producers planned this season in an attempt to permanently eliminate one girl from the competition each week. A girl can dream.

Oh well, one thing the producers did manage to take care of was strategically placing a telescope in the hotel room (what those aren’t standard?) pointed directly at the Bay Bridge. I think they may have thrown something sparkly in front of it just as Ben & Emily locked lips for their first “so romantic it occurred on the Bay Bridge” kiss.

If that wasn’t enough to set your heart a flutter, the two individually compare their hike and conquering their fear to their “quest for love.” Maybe these two are meant to be.  If they can take this bridge together, they can do anything!

They hug until their bodies can physically hug no more and it’s off to dinner. (Wait, how do we get down from here?)

During dinner, Ben & Emily share their dating horror stories which include a failed proposal and an attempted set-up with a sibling (he wins). In between grunts and blank nodding from Ben, Emily shares that she hopes to conquer her two biggest fears in one night – rejection & heights (Oh Bachelor, you’re always making dreams come true). She’ll have to wait because…

… back at the penthouse pajama party, the group date card has arrived.

Everyone but Britteney, Lindzi and Courtney will be crossing something off their “leap list.”

Enough of that, we’re back at the bridge where it looks like Ben is about to pull a humpty dumpty off his stool. After not paying attention to whatever Emily is saying, Ben cuts in, talks more about his dad and single-handedly wipes away Emily’s fear of rejection … for now.

She gets the rose and like a bat signal to the girls waiting by the windows, firecrackers pop into the sky. Their roars silence the tears of the girls weeping as they cry themselves to sleep.

Leaping Into Love

We're going skiing bitches! Image: ABC

The girls are all gussied up in their semi-slutty sundresses and stilettos. But Ben has a surprise, we’re going skiing? What, in summertime? Impossible you say!? Nope, not on the Bachelor. “WHHHAAAATT?” the girls say in unison. Ben tells them to put a sock in it while he shows off the features of their sponsored cars.

All the prep wasn’t in vain though. This isn’t your grandma’s (or anyone else in your family unless you have a porn star for a relative) skiing. This is Bachelor skiing which means the girls will be stripping down to their string bikinis to slide down the streets of San Fran.


The pros at The Bachelor have figured out a way to make skiing slutty. It’s like they’re just begging for a nip slip. While the good people of San Francisco gape, wondering what in the hell has happened to their fair city, all I can wonder, “is this a porno?”

We get a quick reprieve for the next date card presentation. This date is for the Grandma-loving Britteney. “Let’s unlock our love with a key to the city.” But it appears that ole Brit doesn’t want to unlock anything of Ben’s. Emily tries to convince Brit Brit that she and Shaggy will have a ton o fun but Brit ain’t buying it. I’m thinking she may be packing her bags in no time flat.

The girls put their clothes back on so Ben can take them to this “rad” bar to hang out or as contestants call it, binge drink. Ben decides which girl he wants to tongue kiss first and this time it’s…

…Rachel! He steals her away for a quick complement session before a brief but graphic (see below) make out sesh. But all that open mouth kissing under Kacie B.’s watchful eye has her on the verge so Ben does what any red-blooded American man would do…

…takes her on a walk and then sucks the crazy right out of her mouth. He’s required to do this after he notices Kacie’s uncanny ability to “sparkle.”

Back at the hotel, Britteney begins to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t want to be a part of this charade. So she packs her stuff up and heads back to Granny’s.

As Britteney packs, Courtney nods into the mirror, acknowledging to her only ally that their evil plan is coming along perfectly.

Back on the date, Ben decides he wants to tongue kiss and sneak a boobie grab in with Blakeley. But before he can make a move, Britteney crashes the date to let Ben know she’s heading over the river and through the woods back to Grandma’s. Ben, once again, demonstrates his inability to show emotion and stares ahead blankly wondering when he can get back to trying to feel up Blakeley.

Ben stuffs her in a cab, sends his regards to Grandma and heads back into the tiki hut to consider the future…

… and who will get the date rose!

Tonight’s rose goes to”someone unexpected” Ben says although I pretty much expected it since the producers gave us a pretty graphic shot of these two open mouth kissing. Yup, it’s our favorite fashionista Rachel.

End Scene.

Trolley Hopping with Lindzi

It’s time for the annual concert date and I’m anxiously awaiting to see this year’s performer. Who will follow in the long line of adult contemporary artists forced to take the stage by their management?

The girls wake from the slumber party that never stops and clamor to find out who will get Britteney’s cast-aside date card. The honor goes to the resident equestrian Lindzi who is so consumed with excitement she makes Kacie B. seem normal. This news hits Ariel and Ursula (Jennifer and Courtney) hard, each hoping that they would be the poor unfortunate soul (YES! Finally worked in a Little Mermaid reference!) to get the last date with Ben in San Fran.

Who is this guy? Image Source: ABC

This date is a trolley hop around town where they cut the line at all of Ben’s favorite haunts. They spoil their dinner with a scoop of ice cream and then points out the stall in Chinatown where he scoops his weed. And then it’s on to the concert which takes place behind lock & key in City Hall. How romantic. They sway to music of Matt Nathanson (who for his own dignity’s sake probably forbid them from saying his name more than once), spin, dip and bounce to the next stop. Dinner is at a speakeasy where Lindzi attempts to act so surprised but we know she’s not since she’s sporting her favorite modern-day flapper look.

This is where the embarrassment sets in. As long as Ben is moving from task to task, he has little time to look insanely awkward trying to hold a conversation. But dinner presents a unique challenge – five (or what feels like an eternity) of chit-chat. He is void of all emotion until Lindzi lays the “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” text break-up story on him. Ben chokes back laughter and for once seems human.

Ben knows he can’t let her go home empty-handed after sharing her text-to-dump story, so he gives her the rose and takes her to one last stop. They open up shop at a piano store where he “teaches” her how to play his favorite song, yup you know it, just when you thought they couldn’t ruin a perfectly good song anymore, David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” is back. And it is now confirmed that I can never enjoy that song the same way again. We close with some tongue kissing (blech) and dreams of happily ever after.

The Bitch is Back

It’s Shawntel time. You remember Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal) from Brad’s season (which, it must be said, was far more entertaining than this one). You know, the one who worked with the dead.

Welp, Shawntel hopped in her convertible and cruised down the coast of Cali to have her shot at Ben. She calls up our main man CH and let’s him know she’s coming back for round two. Apparently she and Ben met at one of the Bachelor cast reunion/drunk fest/orgy’s and had a “connection.” She doesn’t want to miss another chance at love so she’s throwing her name in the hat.

As she approaches like a storm from the north, the girls zip up their sparkliest dresses, highest heels and party pants ready to hunt for love. Courtney assembles the girls using the guise of a toast to a “drama-free” night but we all know she has roofied the girls as part of her evil scheme. Oh Courtney, you may have fooled these skanks and Shaggy but you’re not pulling the wool over my eyes.

Red aka Ariel aka Jennifer pulls Ben aside and lays it on the line that “she likes him.” Cue the intense onset of secondary embarrassment. A little slip up turns into a giant mess when she continues to gush all over him (using the word “dreamy” which literally made my skin crawl – seriously? are you 13?). Ben diffuses the awkwardness in the only way he knows possible, by slipping his tongue down her throat (hey, at least she stopped talking). The kiss causes Ariel to proclaim that she is “falling in love” at which point I lunged at the TV screaming, “YOU ARE NOT in LOVE. You have know this guy for a week, max. I repeat, you are not in love.”

Shawntel finally makes her way to the hotel where she meets up with CH who immediately tells her she needs a shower and a blow out. STAT. He sends her to her room to get her act together so she can crash the party in style.

Not one to let camera time be diverted from her evil plot, Courtney gives us her expert commentary on some of the girls. (None of whom she would be friends with in the real world. Um Courtney, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared.)

Nicki – Sweet but an idiot (may have to agree with that one).

Blakeley – the girl your boyfriends cheats on you with (yeah probably have to agree with that one too).

Before we can find out her thoughts on the enigma that is Kacie S., we’re back at the party where Courtney accuses Kacie B. of “eying” Elyse. Happy with her ability to stir up drama, she exits and leaves to find Ben with tension and drama in her wake Thankfully, Emily (who is going up in my book every episode as long as she cools it with the rapping) recognizes Courtney’s wickedness and informs everyone that she is “weird.”

She and Ben use a secret passage (so many of those this episode) to escape to the roof (be careful Ben) where Ben wonders aloud “I don’t know what you did to me the other day.” “C’mon Ben,” I scream at the TV. “Can’t you see she’s a wiked witch who has cast an evil spell on you?” Ah, if only someone would let him know.

Courtney then drops the ultimate crazy on him (while of course, bitting her lip), “We’d make really cute babies.” Whoa woah woah. You can tell Ben is even a little creeped out by this (it’s hard to tell sometimes) and laughs awkwardly while begging for someone to step in for the steal.

Back to Shawntel, who clearly is still of the mindset that she needs a reality show to find love. She knows that she’ll fall instantly in love with Ben as I throw my remote across the room in utter amazement and disgust.  She waltzes in all nonchalant past the bevy of beauties posted up too nervous to actually speak with Ben. They immediately crow “Who the hell is that bitch?” Their anger is palpable as they chase her in the most passive aggressive way possible – at least two feet behind her without actually speaking to her directly. Shawntel makes her way to Ben, who is chatting up Elyse, who is so surprised (hello emotion!) that she is greeted with a “Holy Shit!”

Yup, the grim reaper is in the {pent} house.

A quick break and we’re back to a chorus of “Who IS that?” “Who is that BITCH?” “Who the hell is SHE?” that is until one of the Bachelor-buffs recognizes Shawntel from Brad’s season. Let the insults begin!

Supresa!

I’m going to  have to break in here. So I get that they are pissed. But do these girls not already realize they are in a competition for one man’s affection with 20+ other girls? What’s one more? Yeah she’s a little late to the party (and a little desperate, I get it) but c’mon – it’s not Sister Wives here. It’s a show where you try to beat other girls at love.

Okay back to the madness. Shawntel attempts to explain she appearance to Ben while the girls circle around her like hormonal sharks. I feel increasingly awkward as each camera angle shows more and more hateful, watching eyes. Yowza.

After a quick chat, Ben takes Shawntel inside where he introduces her to the wolves and then leaves her to be slaughtered. She fumbles to explain herself as they pull her apart limb by limb.

Rebecca Black, in an attempt to make herself feel better, proclaims that Shawntel is uglier in person and has huge calves (okay, I’ve been saying that since she donned her first party dress).

Courtney, on the other hand, is pissed that another evil queen is on the scene and in true juvenile fashion, storms out. “If he gives her a rose, I’m leaving!” Jacklyn chimes in that Shawntel is just Brad’s dumpster trash (um, soon to be pot meet kettle).

Shawntel’s appearance on the scene has unleashed the crazy. Yikes. Ben, in a fleeting moment of intelligence, calls off the angry mob and says it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s worth noting that Shawntel has some serious cojones coming back. It’s also worth noting that the shoes in the preview (sparkly, strappy, slutty) are NOT Shawntel’s shoes (Ahh ABC editing, you get me every time – should have known those were Blakeley’s glittery gold strappies.)

Rose Time:
Emily, Rachel and Lindzi all have roses.

The rest go to…

  • Courtney – She’s up first but can’t decide whether to accept this rose. Its been “heavy tonight since I saw you talking to what’s her butt.” Yes, that’s an exact quote. She really did say that. Do you think she’ll give it back if Shawntel gets a rose? Gah, I hope so.
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse

Each girl seems to be rubbing it in Shawntel’s face when they get a rose. Oh girls.

  • Jamie
  • Jennifer
  • Kacie S. – Seriously? When are we going to get to meet this girl?
  • Blakeley
  • Nicki the Nurse Who is BY FAR the most emotionally unstable girl left in the game.
  • Monica
  • Samantha

And the final rose goes to…

Hold your horses. It’s a Ben monologue. Nope, it’s a Rebecca Black meltdown.  It appears that binge drinking, high heels and standing for 6 hours have finally caught up with someone. This meltdown has given us more time to hear the gals hate on the evil death force that is Shawntel. “It’s all HER fault!”

They prop up Rebecca Black so we can get this thing over with and we finally get to hear Ben string together three full sentences.

After giving a breakdown of how wonderful (yeah right) the three remaining girls (Shawntel, Rebecca Black and Jacklyn) are, the final rose goes to NO ONE.

Bombshell.

As the girls scatter away in tears (or literally collapse to the ground in dismay – I’m looking at you RB), Courtney let’s out an evil cackle to cement her reign of terror over the group and cast Shawntel out into the wilderness. (Okay, I’m getting carried away with this, I know, but you’ll have to get used to it).

This Happened.

Shawntel’s left to pack up her suitcase full of one-shoulder dresses and head back to family funeral home. Unfortunately, her second stint on the Bachelor turned out worse than the first. Here’s hoping this is her last appearance.

In between, Shawntel’s self-recognition (“I just feel so dumb.” Uh, you can say that again), we find out the girls are heading to Park City (you know just another perfect place to fall in love). Not the tropical destination I was hoping for but at least they’re getting out-of-town.

Next week we’re in store for more “falling in love” bikinis, evil spells and yay! the reappearance of hot tubs! And it looks like the rag-tag gang of Disney Princesses come together to take down the evil queen. Although I’m not getting my hopes up.

What did you think of Shawntel’s reappearance? Was this the best (and by best, I mean most embarrassingly juicy) episode yet this season? Who are your favorites?

Also, I’ll be featuring a guest post tomorrow. So get excited.

Until then… stay tuned!

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Playing with Hearts and other tales from the Prince of Pinot. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 2 Recap

We’re back and of course Ben is wearing baby blue Keds. Seriously, where did they find this guy?

We find out that ABC is as unenthusiastic about this season as we are and are forcing Ben to host the “girls” (aren’t they a little old to be constantly referred to as girls?) at his own home (clean the sheets mom) in his hometown of Sonoma.

The Prince of Pinot Image Source: ABC

But alas some things never change and they are still arming the contestants with video cameras for those great candid moments on the trip (‘Hey! We’re going to Sonoma! We’re on a plane! Woo Hoo!). While the girls gather up their suitcases full of tank tops, sequin dresses and bikinis – Ben walks the dog from Frasier around town (Even the dog hates those Keds) pondering what his father would think of this whole charade. I’m guessing something like “Are you crazy?” or “Really? You own a winery, still have a head of hair (despite its unfortunate styling) and are under 35 and you can’t find a steady chick?”

I say a little prayer and hope that Ben’s dad is trying to look past the absurdity of this whole search for “true love” from his perch on the other side.

During said prayer, Ben drives his open air jeep where he catches up with the girls who have just arrived in a haze of hot rod convertibles and champagne.

Ben welcomes the ladies to one of the (classiest) boozing capitals of the world with, what else, a glass of champagne poolside. Duh. But all the fun and games are short-lived cause he’s got a date-card to give out. Before they can sink their crazy eyes in him, Ben spits out Kacie B’s name and then retreats, allowing the girls to begin ripping her to shreds (both literally and figuratively).

Before we can even hear about how excited Kacie B. is to get the VERY FIRST date card, Courtney jumps into the camera frame to remind us all that she’s a model. Yeah, a model. Like a real live model. A really pretty one. Way prettier than anyone else. Seriously though. She’s a model.

Kacie B.’s saccharine sweet mug finally gets a little screen time and when compared to the evil monster that is Courtney, I can’t help but like her a little… tiny… itsy… super small… morsel of a little bit.

She packs her suitcase full of excitement and hope and gets ready for her do (it) or (let your feelings, dignity and confidence) die date. Yup, she either snags that rose (c’mon, like that won’t happen) or goes home.

See You in Sonoma – One on One with Kacie B. 

Before I get into this, I need to state for the record that just typing the letters “Kacie B.” gives me secondary embarrassment. I don’t know why but something about the way it sounds just makes me cringe. I thought you all should know since it affects all other decisions regarding her.

Kacie B. meet Sonoma. Sonoma meet Kacie B.

Unfortunately, there is no one for Kacie to meet since it appears the streets of Sonoma are deserted. Everyone’s probably off getting drunk (the classy kind of drunk, you know, off wine) somewhere.

Thankfully the streets are empty and the residents of this seemingly quaint town are spared from the high-pitched cackle that Kacie’s passes off as her laugh. It’s both perky and dark at the same time. I can’t pin it down.

The stop in a candy store where Kacie questions the “number of licks” in a way that only the most naive  girl can while Ben buys the most boring candy ever created, The Charleston Chew.

The most interesting thing to come out of this stop is a baton that Kacie steals from the window display. (Okay she probably didn’t steal it, but at least this way she gets a little edge.) It turns out (SO COINCIDENTALLY) that Kacie is a former baton twirling star. So upon spotting her instrument of choice, she snags it and leads Ben on parade through the street of Sonoma.

This date is all about learning. Ben teaches Kacie to play piano and Kacie teaches him to twirl a baton. Somehow I’m thinking she is getting the better deal. Although I’m having a hard time believing this administrative assistant will retain any of that piano lesson.

Post parade, they head over to a little cafe where the settle into one of the more boring conversations ever filmed. While the jabber on, I imagine that this is what happens when a guy from the AV club and a girl from the marching band go on a date after “blossoming.”

Back at the PJ Party it’s… AHHHH…. Date Card TIME!!!! 

Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Nicki, Jamie and Jaclyn all get a chance to “play with” Ben.

Blakeley aka the cocktail waitress aka the stripper is pissed about going on a group date which confuses me cause isn’t every day a group date for her?

 Back in Boringville 

Kacie B. snags the rose while Ben uses his odd cadence to tell her that she has reaffirmed his journey (where do they get this stuff?). After throwing down an open mouth kiss, they excuse themselves from the table to head back to his room. Wait, what? Aw boo.

I know Twirling a Baton is ridiculous! Image: ABC/Buddy TV

Rather than let this date follow a normal date pattern, ABC decides to throw a loop in things and have these two crazy kids head over to the local theatre. Nope, it’s not Train performing. Nope, it’s not the trailer for the latest Anna Faris movie. It’s the video from their imaginary wedding rehearsal dinner. Yes, a video full of toddler videos, baby snap shots and middle school performances. Consider me creeped out. Not creeped out the way I was when ABC tried to trick William and Ashley into getting married on their first date. No, this is a little trickier. Yes, it seems cute on the surface but it’s not. Nope, it’s weird. And if you don’t agree well then this blog is not for you.

The pair each shed some crocodile tears in their one on ones before we cut back to one more spit swapping.

In Ben’s words (yup, this is an exact quote). “Chemistry was there. Things were good. Food was good. Wine was good. Everything was …. [insert weird, awkward face here]… gouuuud.” Woof.

Prince Pinot and the Seven Whores. 

Okay, I know that titles a little harsh but oh well, just go with it.

"For you, I see.... Dragon." Image Source: ABC (Ron Koberer)

The group date is a competition. 12 girls all competing for his attention and by compete I mean display their boobs are prominently as possible (*cough Cough* Blakeley).

Turns out the gals are going to be in a play (OMG! This is SO exciting! Let me cover my mouth to show you how insanely excited I am about this!). The girls seem thrilled. Thrilled that is until they find out that the play was written and will be directed by a gang of 12-year-olds.

The kids, both adorable and in that awkward phase, gang up to bring out even more insecurity in the ladies by making them audition for ridiculous roles like “the Hippie” and “the Weasel.”

When it appears they have nothing left to give (except their cleavage), the kids throw them a bone and dole out roles like candy. The girls they “like” get prime roles where they get to lock lips with Prince Pinot. The other floozies just have to float around on stage in silly costumes pretending like their not drunk off of the pink punch the producers have been slipping them all day.

As the roles are handed out, I can’t help but wonder how the parents explained this insane “game/relationship” show to their offspring. I’m keeping my fingers crossed hoping that none of these parents will let their kids watch any of this episode (or any episode really). Definitely not something you think about for your child as they grow into a mature young man or lady. ‘You know son, one day I hope you can go on this game show where you hook up with a bunch of girls and pretend it’s real love.” Okay, after writing that, I’m pretty sure tons of dads would want that for their son. Definitely NOT for their daughter but totally for their son.

While Jenna flounders in her role and the kids punish Blakeley for her overexposure but tossing her into a gingerbread cookie costume (you go kids), some of the girls embrace their parts. Samantha, Emily and Rachel must have slipped the kids a $20 since they get some of the cutest costumes AND get to kiss Ben. Monica falls easily into her role of the dragon and if only Courtney were here, she could play the part she was born to play – Evil Queen.

More on that back at the hotel… 

Courtney has been deciding why she hates everyone while simultaneously one-upping everything anyone says. (“Oh you and Ben had a great date? Well Ben and I have already had six great dates and he told me he loves me and we’re going to get married.”) I mean, isn’t it obvious their connection was “undeniable.”

Woof.

It’s Play Time

It’s no surprise that Ben loves a play written by 12-year-olds. That and I think he loves being called Prince Pinot.

ABC has once again nailed it with their date creation. Getting these gals to replace their low-cut tops and short shorts with bulky, unflattering and best of all, ridiculous costumes is a pure stroke of genius. For some reason I feel like Chris Harrison may be behind this gem. He may have also fed Samantha the best line of the night, “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakely.”

Now Dance! Image Source: ABC

The play is mostly a revolving door of odd characters looking to plant a big wet smooch on Ben with the one exception of Monica whose goal is to blow off his clothes with a New Year’s decoration. Being full of hot air she is able to easily blow off his ridiculous lamb costume which drives the ladies (and it should be noted – NONE of the audience) in to a fit of excitement. It would appear that none of them have ever seen an adult male without his shirt off before.

It is that exact moment which causes the painfully naive Nicki to proclaim “Words cannot describe how amazing things were with Ben today.” Fortunately for Nicki, words cannot describe how I feel about that sentence.

The crowd cheers when the play finally comes to a close and each audience member collects the $20 they were paid to sit through that charade as they head out the door.

End Scene.

Now that the tom foolery is complete, it’s on to the standard group date routine: pool + open bar + bikinis + open mouth kissing + rose = pure insanity.

I’m not going to go into all the pool party details. Here’s what you need to know. Chicken Fights, Bikinis, Bathroom stall fits, Open Mouth Kissing, Tops Worn as Dresses, Awkward Convos, More Open Mouth Kissing, Spying, Crying.

I think other than finding out that Ben has a thing for red-heads, the most important discovery (not surprising, just important) was:

  • Everyone Hates Blakeley. From her overly long earrings (I mean I’m sure that’s all she wears at her “day” job but those things are a serious hazard) to her overly exposed bosom, Blakeley is public enemy numero uno on this group date. She doesn’t help her cause by slipping her tongue down Ben’s throat in front of the other gals and then bragging about it later. Seriously, they all hate her. Like A LOT. Despite their glares, snide comments and innuendo she still snags the rose. What a biatch. Oh and she talks about her Zodiac sign. Blech.

This date becomes so predictable that Drew and I spend at least five minutes discussing the bets Chris Harrison makes before each episode. We think he lays down challenges for Ben to make it more interesting (lord knows we all need it). I’m guessing it’s like can you kissing 10 of the 18 girls, make 4 cry and say ruh-roh all in one episode? Think about it. Why else would he be so happy at the rose ceremonies? He’s there to collect his winnings.

Okay enough of my rambling. On to Ben’s date with the Soul Sucking Evil Queen who goes by Courtney.

Don’t eat the Apple!!! Or Spinning the Bottle with a Model.

So Courtney goes all BOOO YAH on the girls when she gets her date card. I’m pretty sure she tries to start a fight with Kacie B. which automatically makes me like Kacie more. I’m also a little disgusted that she actually said, “How does that taste coming out of your mouth?” Um, who says that. Yeah, no one.

Don't make me eat you. Image Source: ABC/Buddy TV

Don’t worry, she followed it up with a ‘Winning’ in her one on one interview, so yeah if you even thought about liking her for like a half second, you should have changed your mind then.

But alas, Courtney has cast an evil spell on Ben and so she’ll get a chance to steal his soul, along with Scotch his helpless pooch, on the trademark picnic date.

Thankfully Ben remembers that Courtney is a model which saves us from three unnecessary reminders. No doubt it will come up at least 8 times over the course of the date though. So Ben packs up a picnic and takes her out into the forest where he leaves her for dead (wishful thinking).

They sit by a creek and talk about how awesome they each are (don’t worry, Courtney is way more awesome – she said so like 8 times). We learn they’re both rich and lead really awesome lives that none of us can even imagine, yeah they are that awesome.

After a quick snack on a blanket, they pack up, hop in Ben’s bulldozer (yes, you read that correctly) and move to another outdoor location where this time they eat at a table.

Throughout the date, I try to avoid looking into Courtney’s empty, glassy eyes since I’m pretty sure she is capable of stealing my soul is I look too long. Apparently no one warned Ben because he is under her mind control within minutes.

I wish Scotch could talk, you know he would lay down the law with Ben. He also would be best friends with CH. (I’m just saying.)

Dinner is filled with Scooby-ism, attempting to open mouth kiss and awkward fawning. Woof.

It appears that Courtney will be hanging around for a while because she snags the rose and with it, Ben’s future.

Cheers to Insecurity!

Now that all the dates are complete, it’s time to liquor these girls up and keep them awake until 2:30 a.m. hopelessly pinning away for a rose that confirms their self-worth.

Ben immediately grabs Lindzi who wonders aloud ‘do you even remember my name?’ Oh stop it, Lindzi. You’re better than that. I thought I might be able to like her and then she throws out that “dirt my makeup” line. Bitch please, that is such a lie. You’ve been wearing makeup since you were nine and don’t even try to tell me otherwise.

Next up he grabs some one on one with my new favorite, Samantha. This awesomeness is ruined when Super Tramp aka Blakeley comes and “steals him away.” This thievery leads all the girls into a fit of rage but rather than “stealing him back” they would rather sit around and talk about how rude it was. Okay Stephanie Tanner. Get on with it.

As the cocktails flow, so do the tears. It’s not long before Blakeley is crawling in a sea of luggage fake crying for attention (how mature of her), Jenna has retreated to the trademark Ashley Hebert purple comforter for consolation and a couple other random girls whose names I don’t know begin welling up.

Back to Jenna. One simple conversation with Ben throws this girl into a tail spin. Her awkward stuttering, nonsensical ramblings and glassy eyes made me want to retreat to the inner cushion of my couch. This poor girl is a mountain of SE which means she’ll be perfect for Bachelor Pad.

Bless Her Heart. Image Source: Buddy TV/ABC

Once she realizes that she is making little to no sense, she runs away from Ben while engaging in a fight between her dueling personalities. We painfully watch as she insults herself then reassures herself before insulting herself again. Yikes.

Since it’s finally rose time, Ben does a sweep of the house, pulling out all the crazies from their hiding spots.

It’s heart breaking time!

CH is back on the scene and between counting his winnings, he let’s the girls know that some of them will be heading home (or the loony bin) shortly.

Let’s do this.

Blakely, Kacie B. and Courtney already have their roses.

  • Jennifer – Told you Ben has a thing for red heads. (Apparently so does my husband, since she is now his fave.)
  • Emily – I kinda like her if I look past the whole rapping thing.
  • Elyse – Who?
  • Jacklyn – Really?
  • Erica – Rebecca Black lives to see another Friday.
  • Rachel – Love her even if she did forget her pants at the pool party.
  • Lyndzi
  • Nicki
  • Casey S. – Where has this girl been the entire season? Clearly she’s keeping her crazy under control.
  • Samantha – Woo Hoo!
  • Monica
  • Jamie

And….

  • Brittney

Shawn and Jenna both are sent packing. Shawn keeps her dignity and leaves like a proper adult. Jenna on the other hand dissolves into a giant ball of tears, sadness and shear madness. The conversation we’re forced to watch between her split personalities is painful. Let’s make sure she isn’t left alone for too long.

All in all, a pretty solid episode. Nothing too spectacular or exciting but hey, what can you expect when Ben is the Bachelor. It looks like things will be spiced up next week though.

What’s in store for next week you ask? Oh just a little trip to San Fran along with a surprise guest in stripper shoes and more fighting, crying and binge drinking!

Until then… stay tuned!

 

 

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“This Year’s Love It’ll Last. I’ve been waiting on my own. too. long.” – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 1

Well I’m back. Officially in the most shocking way possible, with Chris Harrison by my side, back. Ready for the most shocking, amazing, crazy, ridiculous most unexpected and insane season of The Bachelor ever.

And what better way to start the newest season than to relive the awful misery of Ben’s failed proposal. Yup, awkward solo boat ride to oblivion and all. Can we all agree that was one of the more painful moments in SE history? Okay, now that we’ve all agreed on that we can move on.

Cheers to getting drunk and crying! Image: ABC

Thankfully Ben has moved on as well and has “no regrets.” I’m hoping this only applies to his relationship with Ashley and not his unfortunate rendezvous with a tank top. Other than wearing tight girls clothing Ben’s just been running his winery, hanging out in San Fran, building bon fires with friends and drinking wine. Very similar to a group date on The Bachelor without the hot tubs, cameras and desperate floozies. (My spell-check wanted me to switch that to floppies which could have been an appropriate fix.)

We know Ben is fine because he tells us so ad nauseam in his introspective monologues. I want to hate on the monologues but I can’t lie, I’ve missed them (and don’t act like you haven’t. it’s been like 6 months).

We close this look back with a little performance of David Gray’ ‘This Year’s Love” which I’m guessing means that ole David will be making an appearance on Episode 4. Note to David: Don’t do it.

It seems our boy has been busy since getting left off the coast Fiji last season. You know just filling his time with standard activities like kayaking, carrying logs, driving a bulldozer, playing piano, wearing tank tops and hanging with friends (okay, at least that last one is normal). It appears that he’ll be bringing a lot to the table this season and by a lot, I mean a lot of awkwardness and bad hair.

CH steps in and saves us from the madness/sadness that is Ben’s life and let’s us know that we can buck-up thinking about all the madness that’s to come on the best way to usher in a new year aka the two-hour Bachelor premier. Yup, the cocktail party is just around the corner.

Missed you, mean it. Image: ABC

Yup, after that preview it’s official. I have seriously missed this. I forgot how much I missed it until just… Now.

And just like that Chris Harrison is there welcoming us bank like the old friend he is. So nice to see you too Chris. How did the holidays treat you? Get any new skinny ties? Flannel shirts (from Brad of course)? V-Neck tees? Ahh, we’ll catch up later.

Let’s meet the ladies with compelling (read: sad/loony/unique/vapid) enough back stories to share with the masses.

  • First up, Lindzi. Nope that’s not a typo, her name is legitimately spelled that way. Don’t ask. Thankfully for her, this is not her fault. She only has her parents to blame for that one. The only bad news is that the people who gave her that name raised her.  Moving on, Lindzi (I am never going to get used to typing that) loves riding horses, being from Texas and tanning. Oh yeah and she got dumped by quite possible the biggest douchebag in the history of mankind and I’m not talking about Brad Womack.
  • Amber - All you need to know about Amber are she loves camo, killing things, having weird, distracting bangs and eating beef nuts (nope that’s not a typo or a joke).
  • Kacie (what’s the deal with the “ie” ending? Clearly parents in the early 80′s were digging that.) Poor Kacie gives us a huge helping of SE and we’ve just met her. It makes me a little uncomfortable talking about falling in love with a guy you watched on TV (well, unless that guy is Ames). She follows it up with a move she stole from our favorite sun god Ryan and makes a heart with her hands. Yikes.
  • Courtneyis a model. Yeah, she’s modeled a lot of stuff. She stays busy being a model. Did you know she models?

    Tell me I'm a model or you'll get it. Image: ABC

  • Jamie is a nurse. Yeah she has some daddy issues (I mean, don’t they all?) but she seems nice enough and semi-normal. I like her which most likely means she’ll be eliminated instead of some crying most mess.
  • Lyndsie (yes, once again that is the proper spelling) is British and the daughter of an ambassador. If that wasn’t enough, she has her name painted on the side of her car and loves wearing costumes. She’s crazy but in the fun way.
  • Oh no, Jenna thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw. Except the only thing she has in common with SJP’s alter-ego, other than living in New York City, is the horse nostrils. She’s been speaking for less than 30 seconds but I already know she’s painfully insecure. She’s also said crazy at least 6 times (prelude of what’s to come?).
  • Shawn has a legit job but a less than legit dye job. Beyond her two-toned hair she is the mother of a cute little man.
  • Nicki comes from a long line of dental hygenist contestants on The Bachelor. She’ll bring her sparkly white smile and stained past (she’s our required divorcee in the bunch) to the mansion.
Well it seems we’re set. we’ve got our sob story (Jamie’s parents died and she had to raise her brothers & sisters), the mom and the divorcee. Let’s get this party started.

Ahhh – but before we can get going CH and Ben have to step aside for their fire-side chat. (Wait doesn’t this show film in LA? In the summer? Details, details.) This is always my least favorite part of any episode. These heart to hearts are forced and awkward similar to BEn’s proposal last season. thankfully, we learn that he agrees. I can’t imagine watching it on national television after actually living through it. Hopefully he had tapped into some scooby snacks for that because it was MIS. ER. A. BLE. On another note, why are they talking like this thing is for real. I know they are both aware that in the history of this show not one single couple from The Bachelor has gotten married. Oh well. That’s neither here not there and I’m not going to let it spoil the fabulousness that’s to come.

Also, it appears humingbirds will be a reoccuring theme this season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

New TV Show Concepts Brainstormed During the Commercial Break: The Bachelor: Manther Edition. Forget all these young hunnies. Let’s get a manther in the mansion to tame a bunch of cougars. Now that would make some quality tv.

No But Really, It’s Game Time.

Alright enough with the blabber let’s meet these biddies.This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Like Ben I am a unique mixture of anxiety, nervousness and excitement.

Image: ABC

  • Rachel, 27 – Rachel is really pretty, works in fashion but has two questionable piercings. I’m going to let it slide cause she seems to be one of the good guys and appears to have packed a suitcase full of television appropriate clothing.
  • Erica, 23 – Erica gets the award for corniest, cheesiest and all around most nerdy opening line. We get it, you’re in law school but let’s cool it on the punny jokes.
  • Amber, 28 – Oh yikes, there are two Ambers this season. BUT… the Baconater seems pretty legit (other than the whole being canadian thing).
  • Elyse, 24 – Pretty but unmemorable. I am going to need her to step up her game at the cocktail party.
  • Jenna- It appears that Jenna will be the mandatory train wreck this season. I covered my head in shame watching her misquote him, awkwardly ask questions and then stand there starring awkwardly at his junior high hair cut. Get me out of here!

    You're right I do kinda look the same color as an oompa loompa. Image: ABC

  • Courtney, 28 – Didn’t you know, she’s a model. No but really, she models. She also likes Ben’s hair. Woof. Next.
  • Emily – I appreciate that she was in med school until she went in for a smooch on the meet and greet. C’mon now.
  • Samantha, 26 – Ms. Pacific Palisades wore her sash but thankfully, left the crown at home with her dignity. She has no idea how she won the pageant. Um, you entered  and then a panel of D-list celebrities, local TV anchors and former pageant queens thought you sashayed the best. End of story.
  • Casey – Casey is tall. No, like really tall. But I like that about her. That and her see-through bottom dress. Sounds weird but looked pretty cute on TV. (I understand that some of you may question that and I’m okay with it.)
  • Amber – Here’s our little beef ball eater (yup, I just typed that). She abandoned the camo for a dress that accented her odd bangs. She also is guilt of the corny opening line/encounter.
  • Holly – Okay, I’m going to have to step in here and let the rest of America know that Kentucky is not filled exclusively to the brim with ditzy blond girls in giant hats. Also, I have no clue where Sawyersville is and I’ve lived in KY the last 6 years. Yes, we have the Derby and the other 364 days of the year are not spent wearing giant hats. Duh, they’re spent drinking bourbon and running around barefoot (I kid, I kid).
  • Jamie – I like Jamie despite her utterly woofy dress selection. C’mon Jamie, prom was like 8 years ago. You can retire that bad boy.
  • Shira – Shira claims to know EVERYTHING about wine. Except she actually knows NOTHING. She also needs to eat a cheeseburger.
  • Blakeley – Blakeley is wearing feather earrings and is a VIP Cocktail Waitress which I assume means she’s slept with Tiger Woods.
  • Grandma Sheryl & Britteny - So here’s the G-Ma moment ABC has been promoting the ish out of. Thankfully Britteney is pretty but this whole grandma intro seems awkward and forced, which would probably be the best way to describe this show. What’s worse is that Grandma is coming to the cocktail party. Seriously? Well at least Ben “loves Grandmas.”

We get a momentary reprieve from the intros for some truth from the Baconator who calls out Samy Sash, Holly Hat and Grandma’s Bestie Britteney. I like her. I hope she doesn’t make me regret that.

  • Nicki – Don’t call anyone older than 12 precious. Especially not boys.
  • Dianna – Another prom dress. This one is a wind gust away from a nip-slip.
  • Jennifer – She’s our token red head. We also learn she’s an accountant who hasn’t been arrested. Thanks for that.
  • Lyndsie – The brit is back and this time she’s spewing poetry. Made me a little uncomfortable when she did a herckie upon completing her poem as Ben looked on with his trademark vacant stare.
  • Anna – She’s so mysterious that she just walks on by. Me thinks she was doing us all a favor.
  • Monica misses her dog. Woof.
  • Shawn – Wow wow wow. Shawn must not have any girlfriends back home to critique her dress selections for the show because that dress was oh so unflattering. She seems nice but that dress made her look like Fiona from Shrek. Someone needs to let these girls know that rouched satin was not made for the bright lights of Hollywood (I’m looking at you Chantal).
  • Jacklyn – Meh.
  • Kacie – Our Music City divorcee is looking good in a sparkle mini. Let’s just hope she can keep her enthusiastic desperation under control.

And just when I think it’s time for the drunken sorority all-nighter to begin…

  • Lindzi rides in on a horse. I’ll look past it cause her dress is pretty. Although I am still recovering from Ben saying the word “dismount.”

Ladies Night

This party got out of hand quickly so I am going to break down the high (mostly low) lights (and I’m not talking about Shawn’s hair).

  • Gimmicks. This season the girls were all about the gimmicks. Sashes, hats, horses, grandmas (that’s an unlikely sequence). Everyone brought their show and tell item to the party. Hell, one girl even snuck in a blindfold and candy to impress Ben. What happened to good old fake boobs, low cut dresses and stripper shoes?
    And the girls that didn’t rely on gimmicks were pissed (read: super jealous and totally unprepared). Oh and did anyone else think Grandma hung around WAY too long. I mean really, a sit down? So weird. And why wasn’t Britteney (I hope she gets eliminated so I won’t have to keep typing that) talking more? And last, did anyone else think Grandma looked like a really old Jamie Lee Curtis? So many questions, so few answers.

    This is no place for Grandmas. Image: ABC

  • Gushing on Ben. Are these girls seeing something I’m missing? When I see Ben I see unwashed, 1995 hair (parted down the middle) and a nice suit. These girls are seeing their prince charming, knight in shining armor and cream dream (that’s an long story … see the video here.) So many girls were at a loss for words that I am at a loss for words. The following are actual words used to describe Ben: sexy, very handsome, real, genuine, honest sincere, sweaty, distracted, confused. Okay I added those last three.
  • Mental Instability.This is always a theme on The Bachelor but last night we may have reached an all time high on the first night. We’ll break down the whole Jenna thing in a minute but there are some other loose hinges too. For example Nicki. So much akward babbling. And please don’t let her drop the divorce bomb this early. Also, I love Rachel but quitting your job gets seems a little reckless for me. And it seems like you had a good one too. You know, there can only be so many administrative assistants and dental hygienists on this show. And last but not least, did you all see Grams crying in the limo? Why was she crying? Do they pump some sort of weird gas in those things to induce crying?

    "No I love you more." Image: ABC

  • Jenna & Monica - So this whole thing got crazy quick. Jenna & Monica are sitting down having one of those awkward “no I like him more” convos when Jenna ask if Monica has feelings for Ben already. Well of course she doesn’t have feelings for him yet. She met him 45 minutes ago and she’s not bat shit crazy. The obvious answer (which is clearly not the go-to in the mansion) infuriates Jenna who demands Monica pack her things and hit the road.
    Monica doesn’t appreciate Jenna’s mental instability (and really who does?) so she tells her she’s a loon. Let the games begin.
    This starts an all out feud which leads to the mental unraveling of Jenna before our eyes. It also leads to an odd girl on girl encounter/love fest with the VIP Cocktail Waitress (wait she’s not there to serve drinks and pleasure the guests?).
    Jenna, who is giving us bloggers a bad name, fails to take her own touted love advice to “chill the f**k out” and my standard advice for all contestants (and girls the world over) “keep your crazy under control.” When Ben stops in to find out why she is crying and asks how their doing. We get the best line of the night. Ben says he’s having a great time and Jenna responds “Cause you know no one can dismiss you?”  then a very insincere “ha ha. just kidding.” Yup. She said that.  Let’s just say that it gets weird. So weird that she winds up in the bathroom giving herself the saddest pep-talk/heart-to-heart of all time. It went something like this.”I was excited before.. and now… I guess I’m scared…. I don’t want to be like this {sobs}” Wow Jessie Spano. Slow down. “…everyone here sucks…”

    Ahh, this girl has seriously lost it. Holly from KY steps up and says she feels bad for them when what she really means is “bless their hearts.” Which everyone in the south knows means that those girls are lost loons  that need to be institutionalized for their severe insecurity stemming from lifelong daddy issues.”

    In the end, ole girl barely makes it to the rose ceremony where she fights her inner demons and forces herself to follow her instincts and take the plunge (with a knife into Monica’s heart – thankfully the producers put a stop to that).

    I know, I can't believe I wrote that either! Image: ABC

  • Courtney’s a model. Wait did she tell you that she models? She’s modeled roses and engagement rings. She’s also modeled Bachelors. No but she’s a model for real. Like a model who travels the world. A model who is finally ready for love. She models.
  • The New Kasey. It appears we’ve got this seasons Kasey Kahl. Nope, not a singer but a rapping MD. Yes, Emily seemed like she was on the right track when she called everyone crazy but then she did an exremely long rap performance for Ben. The only thing worse than an awkward serenade has to be an awkward rap session serenade. The SE was overwhelming my entire being and Drew was forced to bury his head in his hooded sweatshirt to avoid catching the SE. Yikes.

Since Ben is unable to diffuse or control the craziness it continues throughout the night. The only moment of respite is when he delivers the first impression rose to Lindzi, who seems alright despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.

Favorites: Rachel, the Baconator, Monica (I get that she’s got a lessy side and has a weird laugh but I think she’ll be funny) and Jamie.

Rose Time:

Time to get rid of some crazies (or some seemingly normal girls who couldn’t make a strong impression).17 roses on the table. Let’s break some hearts.

  • First Impression Rose – Lindzi.
  • Jamie – The sweet RN in the bad dress.
  • Rachel – Woo Hoo!
  • Blakeley – VIP Cocktail Waitress/Prossy/Feather-Lover/Lesbian?
  • Emily – Rapping MD.
  • Kasey B.
  • Casey S.
  • Britteney – Grandma helped her snag this one but can she do it on her own?
  • Erica – Rebecca Black’s sister gets one more week. Partying Partying YEAH!
  • Shawn – The two-toned momma in the bad green dress.
  • Nicki – Meh. At least Ben thinks she’s a “good hugger.”
  • Elyse
  • Jennifer
  • Samantha Sash
  • Courtney – did you all know she’s a model?
  • Jacklyn – Who? (I predict she is this season’s Brittany – you know the one with the heart shaped earrings.)
  • Monica – Well of course.

And last but certainly not least.

  • Jenna – She snags the “come to Jesus” rose or the “shape up or ship out” rose. The one that puts you on warning. Let the craziness continue (and don’t think we don’t have ABC and the producers to thank for those last two roses.)

So the British poet and the Baconator must head home along with Amber the hunter and some other chicks.

And just like that, it’s over. Wait there’s more!

Hug it out bitches. Image: ABC

Stay tuned because this season will be chock full of…

Hot tubs, beaches, bonfires, crying, ancient ruins, ex-girlfriends, cat fights, crying, hometowns, mountains, crying, skinny dipping, runny eyeliner, proposals, monologues, crying, and bikinis.

YAY – throw in some rappelling and boating and we’ll have one hell of a season!

The journey has just begun my friends. I think, despite my earlier doubts, that we’re gonna have a fun, SE-filled season.

What was your favorite or least-favorite moment? Any early favorites? Do you miss Ames (I do of course … more on Ames later…)

Until next time… stay tuned!

Yeah this happened. Image: ABC

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