Tag Archives: Ben Flajnik

Get Excited… Bachelor Pad Contestants Announced

Get excited friends. As meh as I’ve been about Emily’s season (sorry for the lack of recap this week), I’m always ALWAYS hype about Bachelor Pad. It appears that this seasons cast will not disappoint. I, for one, CAN’T WAIT.

So without further ado, here’s who will be providing nonstop secondary embarrassment this summer on Bachelor Pad:

 

Lindzi Cox

Occupation: Development Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Bellevue, WA

You Remember Her: From her cute clothes and for attempting to break up the evil reign of Courtney. Looks like she’ll be this season’s Tenley.

 

Blakely Jones

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Esthetician
Age: 34
Residence: Charlotte, NC

You Remember Her: As the stripper esthetician with a heart of gold. She also loves making scrap books. Blakely’s boobs and will to win (read: age) will attempt to take her far but just like her flamenco skills, will fall flat.

Sarah Newlon

 From: The Bachelor Season 11, Brad Womack
Occupation: Bar Manager
Age: 28
Residence: St. Louis, MO

You Remember Her: No you don’t.

Jamie Otis

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Registered Nurse
Age: 25
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As the sweet mom and nurse who you were rooting for but knew had no change. Let’s hope little momma can win some money (you know how well people do when it’s for the kids).

Jaclyn Swartz

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Account Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Newton, MA

You Remember Her: As the girl with the big (sassy) mouth and the even bigger nose. This spitfire will do well (or horribly – who knows) on BP.

Erica Rose

From: The Bachelor Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese
Occupation: Law Student
Age: 29
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Her: She’s BACK! From Bachelor Pad 2 and her futile attempts to ruin Vienna. Erica will now be a veteran and will be ready to play the game in hopes of furthering her 15 minutes of fame.

Rachel Trueheart

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Age: 27
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As being my favorite during Ben’s season and for taking down Blakely in the 2-on-1 date. She’ll charm everyone with her cuteness and will no doubt, rock the best clothes.

Ryan Hoag

From: The Bachelorette Season 4, DeAnna Pappas
Occupation: High School Dean/Former NFL Player
Age: 32
Residence: Minneapolis, MN

You Remember Him From: You may remember him but I have no idea who he is.

From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Realtor
Age: 33
Residence: Philadelphia, PA

You Remember Him From: Once again, I got nothing.

Kalon McMahon

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Luxury Brand Consultant
Age: 27
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Him: As that huge douche bag that just got kicked off Emily’s season for insulting her daughter. Likely this season’s Kasey Kahl – you’ll want to jump through your TV and punch him in his over sized lips for saying stupid stuff and wheeling around his Louis Vuitton luggage.

Nick Peterson

From: The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Herbert
Occupation: Trainer
Age: 27
Residence: Tampa, FL

You Remember Him: As one of the semi-normal guys on Ashley’s season. His flowing locks, winning smile and lack of serious drama leads me to believe he’ll team up with my totes fave Rachel.

Tony Pieper

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Lumber Trader
Age: 30
Residence: Portland, OR

You Remember Him: As the guy with the Kermit-voice that couldn’t bare to be away from his little guy (you know the Batman to his Robin) to kick it with Emily. I see him teaming up with the mama RN Jamie for a parental double whammy.

Michael Stagliano

 From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris, Bachelor Pad 2
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Age: 27
Residence: Sherman Oaks, CA

You Remember Him: As the guy that already won this show. What the What? Why is Stag getting to come back. Consider me not happy for the return of sweater vests, crying and man capri’s.

Ed Swiderski

From: The Bachelorette Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Technology Consultant
Age: 33
Residence: Chicago, IL

You Remember Him: As the douche that Jillian picked, only to find out that he was whoring himself out all over Chicago while the show aired. He will likely win since he seems a little skeezy. I anticipate a partnership with Erica Rose.

The rest of the cast is made up of fans joining the show for their chance at Bachelor fame and love (haha yeah right). You can see the full list here.

Can’t wait for the premier!

Until then… stay tuned!

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“I will be on my best behavior.” Yeah, right. It’s the finale! The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 11

We made it folks. Yes, you may have thought Brad’s season was awkward, Ashley’s embarrassing and slightly boring but Ben definitely took the cake in terms of sheer boredom. Tonight’s episode was no different. Instead of the most controversial season of The Bachelor (Oh the Hyperbole!) I’d prefer to rename it the most epically boring of all time.

This is all to let you know that if this recap is boring, it’s not my fault.

Yes, we're confused too. Image: ABC

Let’s do it. (Which may or may not be what Ben said to the ladies in the fantasy suites.)

The battle is on for who will get to spend forever the next three months with Ben “Shaggy” Flajnik. We begin with the standard contemplative walking/packing/wandering aimlessly shots accompanied by insanely cheesy voice over soundbites like “I never thought my amazing love story would end here.” and “That great big Matterhorn gives me hope.” Yes he said that.  (Do they give them a lesson in speaking like Hallmark cards before taping? I honestly do not know a single soul who speaks like this in real life.)

Can't you just make him pick me?

In Lindzi’s solo I think she realizes the sheer absurdity of filming her stroll through the streets (which I love about her) but Courtney, of course, embraces the absurdity and decides to stop and pet a kitty in the street (probably some poor soul she put a spell on).

Just when I thought the madness was ending, I hear the first notes of “This Year’s Love” and I want to weep for David Gray and the fact that it’s come to this for him. Shilling out a perfectly good song to be the theme for Ben the Bachelor’s quest for love.

Just the Gals

We begin the boredom with the meet and greet with Ben’s momma bear Barb and seester Jules. Jules looks almost scarily similar to Shawntel which continues to creep me out every moment she’s on the screen. Jules and Ben are big time besties but Jules is no idiot and she’s ready to bring the heat.

First up… Lindzi.

Lindzi, like the little tan shining star she is, wins over Barb & Jules quickly with her sweet, slightly awkward demeanor. Add in some serious gushing on Ben to his mom and she’s in like Flynn. Not gonna lie, I get a little uncomfortable with her constant professing of her love but when I consider the alternative to little Lindz, I immediately forgive her for her faults. (I also have the same jacket she’s wearing at this meeting – it’s from Banana Republic – so I can’t hate on her too much.)

When she has her face time with Jules, she wins her over despite the heavy liner and orangy tan that the seriously judgy Jules keeps eying disdainfully. Once Jules feels like they are gal pals, she does what any girl does with a friend – she talks shit. Jules is all break it down for me…. Who did everyone hate? Lindzi tries to maintain her saccharine sweet image and beats around the bush before breaking down that Courtney was the house’s resident evil bitch. Looks like Jules is on our side. Glad to have you on the team.

It appears that despite the unfortunate chin acne, Lindzi has won over the ladies in Ben’s life. The gratuitous butt shot as she walks away shows that even the producers like her better.

Always saving the worst for last…. Courtney.

So Jules is ready to get her grill on with Courtney. She’s not down with the whole “I’m a model” thing. (I know this is all false hope but I’m clinging to anything at this point.)

Being a giant bitch for so long really wore me down.

For this little family gathering, it appears Ben and his mom have decided to pull a little mommy & me look with matching sweater coats. Precious.

One thing that is NOT precious – Courtney’s baby voice. You know the one she uses AT ALL TIMES with Ben (definitely not the evil tone she takes when accosting all the other girls).  I cannot stand it. This episode it gets so bad that I almost quit watching.

When she says “I will be on my best behavior,” in her slightly bitchy and condescending tone I want to smack her. Not exactly sure why but I just do.

So after a quick sit down with the whole gang, she and Jules escape to the balcony where I’m hoping Jules pushes her over the rails. Instead, she let’s Courtney do her best victim impression and then, much to my surprise, TOTALLY BUYS IT. Courtney got all, “They were SO mean to me. They didn’t like me. They were intimidated by me.” which made me want to vom but totally won over Jules. Man, I thought you were on our team.

Don’t worry, once she sees that skinny dipping clip, she’ll change her mind.

I hate models but I love this hat.

After a quick one on one with Momma Flajnik where Courtney uses her 7-year-old girl voice and compliments Ben for a full 10 minutes, the little family get together is over. And rather than Courtney crawling back to her chateau in shambles, she is one step closer to victory. Boo.

The Last Picnic(s)

Throughout this season (and the many before), we’ve seen the importance of the picnic. Turns out that a blanket, a basket full of champagne and a couple snacks is how to find true love in this world. Maybe that’s what more people need to be doing – renting helicopters and packing picnics. Beware Match.com, the picnic is coming for you.

First Feast – Lindzi.

The date with Lindzi is just a ploy to eliminate conversation, they are going skiing on the Matterhorn. It is clear from their first rendezvous that he won’t be picking her. But none the less, they hop in a giant gondola and head up to the top of the mount.

Obviously, the gondola is prepared for an impromptu picnic. It appears to upset Ben since he will actually have to talk to Lindzi rather than getting in a few gropes before sending her home. He attempts to string words together but all we get is “You and the Matterhorn combined is pretty incredible.”

No but really, you can totally tell when Ben is going to get rid of someone because he freezes up and just says “Yeah” while awkwardly nodding to every question/comment/fart.

After the always awkward exchange of “I love you,” + “umm… thank you” + kiss, we are ready to ski.

Skiing is where Ben gets to get handsy with Lindzi just to make sure he doesn’t want to keep pick her. I will give Ben credit here since it appears that he’s pretty legit skier.

After a few cutesy skiing scenes, it’s time for “dinner.”

Lindzi opens up the door like she hasn’t scene Ben in months, c’mon girlfriend, it’s been like 90 minutes. This enthusiasm carries over into every aspect of the night and shit gets awkward pretty quick.

Really, the majority of the night is spent with Lindzi gushing on and on about her feelings for Ben while he awkwardly responds like she told him she got a dog. ‘That’s great.” he repeats ad nauseum.

At this point it is painfully obvious that he doesn’t pick her. But who is Ben to turn down a little open mouth kissing and over the clothes petting, especially when it’s done in the open air. So he and Lindzi enjoy some last kisses as she strokes his long, long hair. Woof.

Our Last Moments with Courtney.

One thing that makes me happy about this episode is the fact that I never have to watch this evil wench or this boring nerd do forced activities ever again. But before that I must struggle through one final helicopter + picnic date. You’d think Yogi Bear was a producer on this show with the number of pic-a-nic’s they go on. But I digress.

Courtney begins with one of the quick jabs she’s become known for, “Ben has a lot of depth and I just never saw that with Lindzi.” Oh Courtney, you really are such a nice person. How could I have ever gotten the wrong impression.

Ben does a little happy dance as he lets Courtney know that it will be “Me, you and a helicopter!” on this excursion. If this show was a sporting event, there would be all sorts of statistics and winning percentages equated with the number of helicopter rides. I’m thinking that you definitely can’t win a championship without a veteran helicopter rider.

Unfortunately for us all, Ben doesn’t push Courtney out but instead gets all lovey dovey on their ride through the Alps. Lots of “oohs” and “ahhhs” later (eww, not like that), they arrive on a snowy mountainside for their last picnic. Seriously? Why the F are they having a picnic in the snow? Who is ever like, “I would love to go and eat in the freezing cold and wet, frozen snow.” Not no one.

Well not no one until the evil Ice Queen Courtney. It appears that she only functions at her best in icy conditions.

This is how it will be in real life!

The conversation is spent how all conversations with Courtney are spent, with her talking about herself and “how hard” this has been on her. Blech. Get me out of here. Since he’s under her spell, he gets all googly eyed listening to her complaints. I want to yank him by his nappy hair straight back to the helicopter.

After this blech fest, it’s dinner time. ABC has cued up the epic love music so we all know how this ends. Courtney decides to exclusively use her baby voice this episode while they enjoy a fondue feast. Woof. Woof. Woof.

“It’s hard for me to express my emotions,” she opines as I yell at the TV that it hasn’t been hard for her to be a rude, condescending bia all season. This is followed byhe presentation of a scrap book filled with screen shots of their “journey.” What is it about this show that compels people to make scrap books? I just don’t get it. Do the producers make them for them to induce SE in all of us? So many questions. So few answers.

One insanely sappy love letter later and my stomach has all but rejected my dinner and I’m counting down til this shizz is over.

Courtney uses the magic word, “vulnerabe” and the deal is sealed with an open mouth kiss. Obviously.

The End.

For our sanity (and to allow you more time to read stuff about the Hunger Games premier online), I am going to gloss over the cheesy montages that have become staples of the show. Just know that this is the order:

  • Ben’s Lindzi memories montage.
  • Ben’s Courtney memories montage.
  • Lindzi’s Ben memories montage.
  • Courtney’s Ben memories montage.

Ben sits down for his 5 minute commercial consultation with Neil Lane where he picks out a pretty beautiful sparkler.  It makes my heart hurt that I know it’s going on Courtney’s hand.

Side note: In the sheer boredom of this episode, Drew has taken to following Emily, Kacie B, Blakely and some other assorted Bachelor characters on twitter. He spends the rest of the show giving me their play-by-play.

Gratuitous Chris Harrison shot.

It’s proposal time so in theory the girls are supposed to put on the prettiest dresses they’ve ever seen/worn for what could be their “moment.” Courtney, it appears has been reading the blog and decides to go with her favorite Disney villan for her look – Cruella da Ville. She’s got the dress, the cape (yes, I said cape), the gloves and the crazy eyes. All she’s missing is the streak of white hair. That can be arranged.

Lindzi, on the other hand, has thrown on a bandeau tankini and pairs it with a skirt made of crow feathers top with a peacock green cloak (yup, there were two cloaks) Who is dressing these girls? Courtney’s Cruella I can understand, but making Lindzi look like this when they knew what was going to go down. That’s just mean.

Courtney hops in the helicopter sporting her best surprised/excited/ready to give a BJ face. Lindzi on the other hand is a big ball of nerves.

CH is on the scene, looking fly as ever, to accompany the girls down the gravel path that awaits their doom fate.

The ultimate walk of shame. Image: ABC

Lindzi’s up first, which we all know means she loses. I feel the secondary embarrassment panic start to set in and Drew hides under the blankets. Her excited voice-over only makes it worse since we all know Ben won’t be getting down on one knee. She may have had false hope when she saw Ben’s matching spray tan but that hope was quickly squashed.

She arrives and the verbal diarrhea begins. ‘Great to see you. How are you? I’m so excited to be here with you…” I reply with a loud “AHHHHHH” at the TV followed by a quick “Please please just make it stop.”

When Ben can finally get a word in edgewise, he drops the bomb. “I’ve fallen in love with you …. BUT (there’s always a but)… I need these moments to last a lifetime. I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So there it is. Just like that little Lindzi is dunzo. But I knew I liked this girl because she takes a deep breath, regains her composure, keeps her dignity intact (with the exception of that “If it doesn’t work out, call me” line) and heads back in the heli.

No ugly crying. No emotional outbursts. Just a quick goodbye. And just like that, she’s gone.

The Proposal

Courtney is ready for her moment, I mean why wouldn’t she be, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people” she says with a straight face. She says she “feels like I can trust him and possibly love him forever.” Yeah definitely.

Courtney hops out of the limo, pushes CH out of the way and sprints to the finish line ready to claim her 4 carat prize.

Standing in front of the Alps, Ben gets all sappy talking about how much he’s been fooled by in love he is. He’s known it for a long time and he’s in love. Courtney is his “forever.”

At this Courtney gives the fakest surprised look, ditches that long ass glove and claims her victory with arms raised in the air.

"Winning!" (Yes I hate myself for just writing that.)

They seal the deal with a kiss and Courtney’s promise, “I will love you forever.” Which in reality TV time means for 2 months until he cheats on her with three girls in one weekend. Ahh, young love.

And just like that the boring dude and the crazy, selfish chick have made it official (for now).

Well what did you think? Did you hate it as much as me? Are you just counting down until Emily on The Bachelorette? Do you want more SE on a regular basis? Don’t leave me hanging!

Not going to lie, I’m pretty thrilled this season is over. There have been some highs but mostly lows. I’m ready for lots of little Ricky Tick, some southern charm and a couple predictable NASCAR dates.

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Dear US Weekly, Please stop putting Courtney on the cover. Yours truly, Danielle

I don’t know about you all but I love me some US Weekly. No way am I paying cover price for my weekly dose of celebrity gossip – I subscribe so that is delivered to my doorstep for my reading pleasure. But lately I’ve been a little disappointed with the fine folks at my favorite publication. The source of my disappointment is one Courtney Robertson. The same woman who ruins my Monday evenings has ruined my Tuesday afternoon mailbox run.

I already know she is a model (you know, cause she told America like 35439857349532490 times), so I don’t need to see any more modeling pics of her. I also don’t really care what her “friends” say about her (although I do like to hear the other girls trashing her). So as a 5-year+ subscriber, I wish the nice people at US would remove her from the cover. I know I will be seeing more of her when she inevitably wins the show but I just was hoping that I’d have more time to mentally prepare.

Of course they had to pick a picture of her with her gaping mouth open. BLECH.


Not gonna lie, I devoured the articles. I was just hoping these would be more sidebar headlines than full-blown covers. No need to puff her over inflated ego up anymore. Some notes: I was a little surprised to find out that she had dug her evil talons into Jim Toth (aka Reese Witherspoon’s hubby). I mean that guy seems like a pretty regular dude, I’m thinking that US Weekly may have used the term “dated” in the loosest way possible. Also, what about this supposed sex tape? They said it was pretty raunchy which made me vom a little.

Anyways, are you ready for tonight? Let’s all collectively pray for no more fake wedding ceremonies. K?

Until tomorrow’s recap… stay tuned!

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Father of the Brides. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 8 Recap

Okay first things first. Apologies are in order on my absence last week. The run-in with my DVR really set me back and I could never get around to watching the first half of last week’s episode. I hope the top ten made up for it a little tiny bit. Anyways, sorry friends about the posting gap but I’m back ready to tackle hometowns.

A quick recap montage voiced over by the ever so lovely CH and it’s straight into the visits. First up…

Lindzi in Ocala – The Horse Capital of Florida (I know they claim the world but as someone who grew up in Florida and now lives in Kentucky, I feel I’m qualified to say that Ocala doesn’t have squat on Lexington when it comes to horses).

So this is the guy that texted you "Welcome to Dumpsville"

I know you all are SHOCKED that Lindzi greets Ben from the saddle of her horse Devin. You know, cause she really hasn’t mentioned horses that much this season. I was happy to find out that Lindzi is originally from Florida mostly because it explains the love of tanning. The whole Seattle thing really had me thrown off. Consider the universe at peace again.

Since Lindzi’s character on this show only involves two things – horses and being tan – she decides to showcase the more impressive of the hobbies and teaches Ben how to drive a carriage.

Confession: For all her weird horsey-ness and serious tanning issues (oh and don’t get me started on the eye liner), Lindzi isn’t so bad. Dare I say, she may be my favorite of the final four.

After a quick ride, Ben & Lindz sit down for their picnic (why why why does this show love outdoor dining so much?) where our girl decides to get a little emotional. She breaks down her feelings for Ben showing him, in his words, “a soft side, a sweet side.” Ben’s digging it (and I’m digging the lack of frizz in his hair – must be winter in FL) and is ready to meet the folks.

Lindzi awkwardly sits in his lap and shows the way home. In true Southern fashion, Margie & Harry are sitting outside enjoying some sweet tea. Unfortunately for them, the nice gentleman their one and only daughter is bringing home has been “making out” with 15+ girls the last three weeks.

Lindzi’s Pops offers Ben some chilled chardonnay and then challenges him to a carriage race around the backyard (but not before her hippie parents confess to getting married at City Hall in San Fransisco. I’d say I was surprised but that would be a lie since I already saw Margie’s hair).

Not gonna lie, Lindzi’s dad is kinda cute  – not sure if I’m a sucker for his love of trash talk or the fact that his name is Harry (my step-dad’s name) – either way, I’m a fan.

Mom & Dad rig the race by saddle up a thoroughbred that wandered through the challenge Lindzi’s donkey Devin. Secure in his manhood (cause he’s a real man), Harry takes Ben aside for their chat.

Other than finding out that Ben wants to take it slow no matter who he proposes to, we do learn that Lindzi is an only child whose parents have tried to keep her away from boys and “kept her focused on horses and cheer team.” This small details really explains a lot about Lindzi’s “journey.”

A little wine from a redneck wine glass later, Ben sets off on his next tour de parents. But not before Lindzi and Ben seal their love with an open mouth kiss and an awkward “back at cha kid.” (C’mon Lindz – I want to like you.)

Next stop… Clarksville, TN with Kacie B.

When I see Kacie B. I wonder aloud why she is dressed like a grown-u (in the loosest form of the word) baton majorette. I find out quickly that it is intentional (I think) and that she is doing a little “routine” with the local high school kids to show off for Ben. It had been a while since we’d heard about her band days but her lack of fashion evolution does confirm my theory that she is really a 14-year old high school girl trapped in a 24-year-old body.

This happened. (Image: ABC)

Kacie commits one of the SE cardinal sins when she does the run, jump, catch spin move with Ben. I’m pretty sure this may be one of my top two least favorite Bachelor activities, right up there with crying in the limo and confessing your love too early.

We find out that they’re at a football field named after Kacie’s grandpa (more on that later Kacie says with a wink). But one quick walk up the bleachers later, we find out that Kacie’s g-pa just liked sports and had a bunch of money. So basically the same reason fields are named after rich white dudes the world over.

We also learn that her g-parents shared a Notebook-style romance that Kacie is READY to recreate with Ben. Oh Kacie and you’re romantic dreams.

Ben shakes her out of fairytale land and demands some deets on the parental units. Kacie tells us that her Dad is a Federal Probation Officer that doesn’t drink. Uh-Oh. Add to that he was very skeptical of her going on the show (well at least someone was – sounds like Kacie’s Dad may be the voice of reason we need). Double Uh-Oh.

Ben is neeerrrvious. Especially cause of that whole “I sell booze for a living” part. I can see the SE now.

A quick off-screen cackle from Kacie and we’re at her house for dinner (where production forces them to all awkwardly sit on one side of the table – kind of like The Last Supper except nothing like The Last Supper – sorry Jesus).

Kacie’s Dad is country (I can say that cause I live in Kentucky) and you can tell that Kacie is super nervous about her pops breaking things down with Ben right quick. So to avoid any uncomfortable situations for herself and leave them all for Ben, she and her sister head into the other room. There Kacie let’s her sister know it’s time to pick out the wedding colors cause Ben is HER man. After they settle on hot pink and teal, we learn that Kacie’s parents (or just her Dad maybe) are super serious and kinda controlling. This leads me to believe this whole Bachelor nonsense has been a move to get them to loosen the reigns a little (or a chance for her to loosen her morals – either way).

Ben and Daddy-O sit down for their one-on-one and needless to say, it’s a LEEETTTLE awkward. Bottom line: Kacie’s Dad wants them to slow their roll and not even THINK about marriage yet. Add a couple more awkward silences and you get the picture. He also puts his foot down and tells Ben to let Kacie know now if she’s NOT the one. Uh-oh. Ben tells us he’s “not sure he likes me.” Drew responds, “probably not since your hair is longer than his wife’s.” Truth.

Kacie’s mom adds to the pressure by giving Ben the third degree about Kacie moving to California and the horror of her moving in with him. Thoroughly scared, Ben packs up his stuff, leaves his food and gets the hell out of there.

Next stop… Ft. Worth, TX with Nicki

“I love Texas everything and Texas Nicki, that’s the best part.” Yes this is a direct quote from Ben Flajnik. Definitely a keeper.

So this is how you do it. (Image: ABC)

So we meet up with Nicki in Texas and it appears that even at home she has horrible fashion sense. Clearly her love of off-the-shoulder shirts runs deep. Woof.

Once again, Ben notices the horribleness of her outfit and makes a beeline for a new fit (remember Puerto Rico?). This time, instead of traditional Puerto Rican garb, it’s traditional cowboy wear in Texas. Ah, stereotypes.

They head into the boot store where Nicki likens finding “the one” to picking the right pair of boots. “Finding the right boot is just like finding the right partner in life,” she says as I run to the bathroom to vomit.

Performing at 8 at tonight's Rodeo. (Image: ABC)

Nicki abandons her sparkly off-the-shoulder sweater for a sparkly, off the shoulder glitter explosion and it’s time to head to the local saloon (Where are they? Texas circa 1885?) to wet their whistle. I’m so distracted by Nicki’s sparkles that I don’t even notice the cowboy fit Ben has thrown on. Oh these two. A quick whiskey later and these crazy kids are off to meet the folks.

Before they arrive, Nicki tells us that she’s expecting a lot of questions from her parents. First one that comes to mind for me is “What in the F are you wearing?” But maybe that’s just me.

Nicki also tells us there is going to be a lot of talk about the Big D (and she don’t mean Dallas). Nothing like bringing home your new boyfriend to talk about your failed marriage. Get excited.

So we arrive and if you were already confused about how to tell Nicki and Kacie B. apart, this isn’t going to help. It appears Nicki’s Mom and Dad look shockingly similar to Kacie’s parents. If Nicki had a sister, I’d be seriously creeped out. Instead, she has a little brother who I don’t think says one word the entire filming.

Nicki and her Mom break off for some seriously embarrassing girl talk while Nicki’s Dad gets serious with Ben. Not gonna lie, her Dad seems pretty sweet. Dad seems to dig Ben and just asks him to take it slow (he can’t be paying for another wedding again so quick!).

Since Nicki loves loves loves to jabber box about her feelings, she pulls Ben aside to let him know she’s in love with him (isn’t this like the 35th time she’ told him?), he responds with a sufficiently awkward, “Really?” and they kiss.

The night comes to a close and Nicki walks Ben out where she proceeds to wave and cry until she can’t see his Escalade anymore.

Save the worst for last. Courtney’s Evil Lair aka Scottsdale, AZ.

Courtney meets Ben and it’s all baby talk and lip biting. Ugh.

Thankfully, we head straight to her parents house so we can finally figure out where this all started but not before Ben tells us he saw his “past, present and future” on his last date with Courtney. WOOF. Thankfully, he follows this with the comment, “It would bother me to end up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, prepare to be bothered.

They arrive and it’s straight to the table where of course, Courtney sits right in the middle. Not sure why they sit down at all though because two seconds late Courtney’s sister (and her seriously ombre hair) sneak out to chat. Courtney’s sister knows everything about her (do you think she knows she’s a model?) so she’s excited to get her thoughts on Ben. I stop paying attention and then it turns to the guy talk.

Courtney’s Dad asks Ben if he’s ready to bet on love (wait, is he a big Bachelor fan? Watch your back CH!) to which Ben responds “All IN!” while visions of skinny dipping dance in his head.

Next up is a chat with Courtney’s mom where we finally find out where Courtney’s weird lip and vapid, glossed over eyes come from. Their conversation bores me until my ears perk when Courtney says “If he keeps it up, I’ll be ready to say yes when he proposes to me.” Oh Courtney, it’s always all about you isn’t it?

We’ve seen enough so it’s time for their local park date.

Raise your hand if you were surprised when Courtney took Ben to the park where she had her first modeling gig. If your hand is raised, you should X out of her right now.

Next question, raise your hand if you were surprised that Courtney threw a fake wedding. Okay, I didn’t think Courtney was this kind of crazy. Mean, conniving, slutty, insulting, self-centered crazy? Yes. Faux-wedding crazy? Didn’t realize she had it in there.

So here’s where the seriously bad secondary embarrassment set in. I am not joking when I say I had embarrassed goose-bumps for this entire segment.

Courtney and Ben are just sitting on a bench when she mentions seeing a wedding there before. Ben asks if there is one going on this afternoon, not knowing that Courtney has an evil plot to marrying him right then and there. No really, she does.

It's the creepy country wedding I've always dreamed of. (Image: ABC)

Since she obviously, wore a white dress. She doesn’t need to change but she’s packed a bag of tricks (I’m getting embarrassed just writing this now) which include:

  • Pen and Paper to write their Vows.
  • A bow tie for Ben.
  • Fake Rings.

Yes, this is real life. Yes, this is happening on your television screen. Yes, I fear the apocalypse is near.

Could this be any worse, I think no until, yup – there is an officiant there.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Ben going through with this? Seems like this is a kind of extreme way to just tell someone you love them.

I am in literal shock as I watch them recite vows and go through an entirely faux wedding. This is insanity. I mean, they put rings on each other and say “With this ring, I thee wed.” Words cannot explain the shock and embarrassment. They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and I am frozen in place on my couch.

So so so creepy. (Image: ABC)

Seriously, is there no sanctity for marriage? Does Courtney know she’s not just modeling this wedding? Ahhhh.

Thank god it ends and it’s time to get rid of one of these ladies.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben sits down with our man Chris Harrison who does a thorough recap of all the hometowns. No lie, I fast forwarded through this since I just sat through 90 minutes of hometowns.

Rose Time.

I’ve got a feeling this one is going to be epic (ly-bad). My pick to go home, Nicki (I don’t read the spoilers anymore so just humor me).

  • Courtney… “I do.” Woof.
  • Lindzi

Down to the twins.

  • Nicki.

Wait What? WOAH Nicki! I definitely thought he’d pick Kacie B. Looks like her Dad really did a number on him (Or it could have been that awful dress, either way).

While the other (read: nice) girls give her a huge to say goodbye, Courtney makes an stretched out stork face sways around in her weird, inability to connect with others (and show real emotion) way.

A quick walk out and we’re in the limo where things get rough.

“Why am I not good enough? Why Why? How did this happen?… What the F*** happened? What the f*** happened?”

Yikes. What do you think the producers say to them in there? I’d LOVE to have that job. (Sorry I would, I can’t help it.)

Poor Kacie. It seems like your parents happened honey. That your baton routine.

Enough crying, gotta keep the love train on track. Next stop, a “perfect place to fall in love,” Switzerland!

The next place their going is the perfect place to fall in love. Duh. Switzerland.

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Bad News Bears – The Bachelor Recap will be Late. Stupid DirectTV

Hey friends. So I’ve got some bad news. Last night, I had to get a late start on our old Bachelor Ben. So around 9 I settled in, ready to cue up this week’s dose of Secondary Embarrassment. I hit the DVR button and went into a ridiculous panic when I realized that my stupid DVR had decided not to record The Bachelor instead focusing on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (doesn’t it know that RHOBH is on repeat like every five minutes but Bachelor is only on ONCE! shouldn’t it know these things?). Obviously, I am blaming the DVR (and my inability to accept our switch to Direct TV) for my own mental error.

I did end up catching the last hour and gah, could Courtney have been any worse. Seriously, it’s like her evil powers (and annoying habits) grow exponentially each week. I promise to do a full recap later tonight but since I can’t leave you for a full day without getting some thoughts off my chest, here’s a quick little recap nugget.

Image: ABC

The Top 10 Most Annoying Things Courtney Did or Said Last Night [in the Final Hour].
(Sorry, it’s all I can focus on other than the blond girls crying).

10. The Lip Biting.
Okay, so I know this is NOT new but it still annoys me to no end. Does she think it’s sexy? Cute? Pretty? Does Ben find it attractive? Has he told her that her lip biting is his favorite thing about her? Someone please Make. It. Stop.And in the mouth twitch and you’ve got an SE overload.

9. The Skipping.
We all know I’ve hated on Lindzi and Kacie B. for being juvenile but Courtney is just as bad it seems. Why why why does she have to skip to pick up her rose? Not only is it annoying but it is so bitchy in the most childish way possible. I wish Rachel or Emily would have pushed her when she did a hop jump back to her spot in line last night. UGHHHH.

8. Fake Positivity
So at last night’s faux-cocktail party, I wanted to reach through the TV and tip Courtney over in her chair when she shared her thoughts with the group of nervous girls. “I’m not nervous!” she exclaimed before taking a rip of her Pina Colada. While I wished and prayed for her to get the brain freeze to end all brain freezes, she waxed poetic about how the pina colada tasted “so good when it hits your lips.” Probably was icing them down after weeks filled with non-stop biting.

7. Spying from her Balcony like the Evil Queen she is.
While Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel were enjoying a nice pool-side wrap up to their date with Ben, the Evil Queen Courtney watched over them from her balcony perch – muttering incantations in hopes of thwarting her arch nemesis Kacie B.’s advances on her Prince Charming. Despite watching their puppy-love filled interactions, Courtney the Creeper’s confidence couldn’t be stopped. “I’m not really that worried about her. She’s not like competition.She’s like a little girl in a little boy’s body.” Which leads me to…

6. Courtney’s Superiority Complex.
I’m all for being a strong, confident woman. I’m all for being proud of your achievements. But Courtney’s confidence is becoming its own character. Her false sense of superiority leaches into everything she says and does. Whether it’s (once-again) mentioning she’s a model (more on that later), or her eye-rolling at everything anyone else says, or the dismissive shoulder shrugs, or constantly talking about how confident she is about getting the rose, “Well, I’m feeling good!” – it’s annoying. And beyond that it’s embarrassing. We get it – you’re pretty and he likes you. But is it really necessary to rub it in everyone’s face non-stop? I wish Emily would have just pushed her in her face before leaving the show.

5. She’s a Model.
Or as she put it this week, “I’m the talent and I have to make everyone happy.” Yup. She said she’s the talent. This was before going into a diatribe about how hard her job is and her constant quest to keep everyone happy (and by everyone she must mean everyone NOT on this show). If you missed her “talent” comment you mostly certainly haven’t missed one of the other 134350345345430 times she mentions “I’m a model.”

4. The catch-phrases.
Which one is your favorite? “See ya, wouldn’t want to be  ya.” or “Winning!” Because she’s used both at least five times. Enough. You are not Charlie Sheen (is it bad that I would rather watch Charlie Sheen than Courtney) nor are you a 7-year-old on the playground (well, maybe she is). Maybe you like when she looks into the camera with her dead eyes and fake shoots the girls. I know watching that was a low point in my life. Some other highlights, ‘When in Belize!”

3. The Sing-Songy Talking
Courtney half sings all of her insults. You may not have noticed this since it’s not quite as obvious as her quest to rid her face of its upper lip but it’s there. She uses it to mask insults, mock achievements, to compliment herself and to say “I like YOUUUU” to Ben. Woof Woof Woof.

2. The Insults.
Despite pretending to act like she’s above the insults and the cattiness, Courtney is the queen of the insult. Rather than go into it, watch and learn.

Actually, this video adequately sums up all of the above points.

1. The Act
The most annoying thing about Courtney is the act she’s putting on. The worst part is that it is obviously an act. Like when she tells Ben she needs to be reassured and that she’s having a really hard time before heading back to the hotel to wreck havoc on the psyche of her fellow suite-mates. She puts this little wounded girl act on whenever she’s with Ben. It’s THE WORST! No actually, the worst is the possibility of her winning. Which I’m pretty sure happens. UGH.

 

Okay, I’ll be back with more later! Until then… stay tuned!

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“I got the rose.” The Bachelor’s Courtney Auto-Tune.

One of SE’s most loyal supporters Stephanie sent me this AMAZING link which is sweeping the interwebs today.

I’m not going to write much because the video speaks (in auto-tune) for itself. I will let you know one thing – you will love it.

Don’t tell me you didn’t LOVE that. (No seriously, don’t tell me. Don’t ruin it for me.)

 

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What NOT to do when Dating. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 6 Recap

This week we’re in Panama City and would you be shocked if I told you it was a perfect place to fall in love?

Other notes from the preview… Kacie B. sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West when she laughs, Courtney will once again expose her ta-ta’s and there will be crying.

Let’s go!

Team Dating is So fun! (Image: ABC)

We know the girls made it because we get a glimpse of home video footage (Where do they keep the rest of this footage? Can they do a special using only this footage? Would we get to see what they look like without makeup? So many questions – so few answers.). We know Ben made it cause his Jeep pulls up intact to the fancy hotel. (Where has he been? Does he go four-wheeling in every location? Does he exclusively drive Jeeps?)

The girls settle into the suite which gives Courtney time to knock on all her bunk mates (eye twitch and embarrassing shoulder shrug included).

Ben saunters in to set the girls aflutter, drops the date card and flees before the girls can tackle him.

Kacie B. – Will our love survive? Pack three things.

Kacie has clearly hit the “I never thought I’d make it this far” part of her wardrobe because she is rocking booty shorts and belly top (I don’t care if they are supposed to be making a come back  – if you’re over 22, belly tops should be a no-no). Not only is her outfit atrocious but someone (cough cough Blakely) needs to help her fix her poof.

They hop into the standard mode of transportation and head off on a journey to a deserted island. WHICH by coincidence (or not) was featured in last week’s 48 Hours Mystery. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

So once alone (and by alone I mean accompanied by the crew and producers) Ben and Kacie B. must share the three items the packed.

Kacie B. packed a stuffed monkey, because she’s really 7-years-old, a corkscrew because she needs liquor to hold a conversation and a bag of candy, see item #1.

I can’t even focus on what Ben brought because Kacie is so ridiculous. For the next 5 minutes, they run around the island digging, chopping coconuts and squealing about being “all alone.” Thankfully, they’ll be “rescued” soon for their dinner date.

Side note: her bathing suit is cute.

On to dinner where I take back everything nice I just said about her bathing suit after seeing this one-shoulder, tie-up, shirts are not dresses number. AND, can someone please get these two a comb and some oil blotting sheets. Yikes, they are SWEATY.

Date Card Break In.

Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This means that Blakely and Rachel will be heading into the Bachelor Battle Royal.

Rachel, like a normal person, has tons of anxiety about the most awkward third wheel date. Blakely on the other hand is used to performing in front of girls and is psyched for the big date.

Back on the date I am massively distracted by the high levels of frizz on this date. Moving on, Kacie B. decides to lock-up the rose by spilling a story about having an eating disorder in high school. I’m not trying to make light of the situation but c’mon what girl didn’t have an eating disorder in high school for a year.

Ben finds her story endearing and gives Kacie B. the rose. This thrills Kacie to no end, “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” REALLY? Who talks like that? Are we sure she’s not a first grade teacher?

While I was pondering, these crazy kids made their way to the middle of the street to tongue kiss.

End Scene.

Group Date Time  – Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This date is all about exploring Panama (and each others bodies) and seeing river and jungles and river jungles. Ben’s words, not mine. Swears.

Each of the ladies busted out their shortest cut-off jean shorts in preparation for a day of fun with Ben. It’s time for the annual let’s do something nice with the natives date.

Jorts for everyone! (Image: ABC)

The soccer playing kiddos lure them in and then abandon them where they’re subsequently lead off and prepared to be sold into the South American sex trade.

Okay but really, they’re supposed to change into some tribal garb that can or cannot be worn with a bikini. Courtney, of course, choose the latter and “goes native.” This causes the rest of the girls (including me) to chatter endlessly about what a loose whore Courtney can be.

While the other girls get their hate on, Ben is very appreciative of her lady bits.

In between the black bars covering Courtney’s ta-ta’s we hear a little of Emily’s Spanish skills and sneak a peak at some tribal tattooing. All of this is eclipsed, once again, by Courtney. she decides to band Ben with a sweet little B+C = Heart.

Me Ben, You Mine. (Image: ABC)

Honestly, I’m getting tired of Courtney and her smirking and her mouth twitches and tics. And her endless commentary. I understand it makes good television but she is just getting to be out of control ridiculous. And beyond that she’s bitchy and annoying. And BEYOND even that, her act is getting tired.

After Courtney shakes her naughty bits all over Ben part one of this date is FINALLY over.

On a side note: I would have liked to have seen a little more interaction with the natives and a little less Courtney. But I think I may have already addressed that. (Wait, have I told you all how I feel about Courtney?)

Part Deux:

It’s time for the standard swimming pool cocktail party and Ben is looking forward to a night of “appreciating” the women. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After a toast to “going with the flow” (didn’t he just say that to Kacie B. – bygones) which is code for “keep your crazy under control.”

First up to bat, Lindzi. This little lady is determined to get things going again with Ben since their one-on-one was eons on ago in Bachelor time. To accomplish this she’s decided to sit as awkwardly close to him as possible. Add on that she just called Ben her “boyfriend” (WOAH WOAH WOAH there missy) and we’ve got ourselves a nice combo of SE. They bring up her trip to dumpsville (is this round two) and the conversation dwindles. So they move past the talking and feeling sharing and straight to the kissing.

Does my forehead look werid? (Image: ABC)

BREAK IN THE ACTION.

Back in the suite, the date card arrives. Rachel looks like a giant ball of nerves while Blakely is doing wind sprints in the hallways gearing up for her big night.

The card arrives and Kacie B. dangles the bait in front of them… Save the last dance for me.

So there will be dancing involved. Well we all know that this bodes well for Blakely (or does it? could those VIP cocktail waitress moves work against her?) who gets paid to dance and not in the classy ballet way.

She’s super hype about the date, I know this because she wails “I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to dance” right in Rachel’s face. Game on bitch. No one messes with Rachel and gets away with it.

Returning poolside, Courtney takes her first stab at Ben. She spends their time together whispering into/licking his ear while repeating the phrase “skinny dipping” as many times as possible. It’s come down to the power of the lady parts and Courtney is not afraid to use hers.

Side note: If Ben doesn’t choose Courtney whoever he did chose has to be HEATED watching this. This segment here is the reason why none of these relationships have worked in the past. Their either based entirely on skinny-dipping or the “winner” is forced to watch the mindless make outs and junk bumping. (Sorry that phrase was disgusting but I’m leaving it in there for some reason.)

It’s come to the point where I can no longer listen/focus on anything Courtney says. All I see are the tics, shoulder shrugs and mouth movements that make we want to punch her through the screen.

I jump back to reality in time to see Courtney messing with his hair (and noticing how similar their mops are), some kissing and we’re out.

On to Jamie (how is she still here?) who decides to go big or go home (WAY more on that later). Little Orphan Jamie has plans for a big smooch with Ben. Unfortunately for her, the Evil Queen Courtney has other plans. So while they chat (and by they I mean while Jamie has verbal diarrhea), Courtney creeps up, sits down and stares at them. Then she takes her cover up off, then she jumps in the pool, then she yells “HEY!” then I stab her in the eye. Sorry, train of thought caught up with me there.

It doesn’t end there. She proceeds to get out of the pool and then lie on a chair caressing herself (WOOF CITY!). Clearly her witchcraft and wizardry catch Ben’s eye and he’s lured into her evil spell.

And because no Mean Girls reference has ever been more appropriate than now: “evil takes a human form in {Courtney}. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.” That’s truth right there straight from the lips of Janice Ian.

And just like that Courtney single-handedly eliminates Jamie (but if not for her those stripper shoes would have surely sent her home).  On to Emily, who has made a resolution to keep her Courtney bashing to a minimum. Let’s see how she’s progressing.

They sit down and Emily decides to break some serious news. There’s a man in her life. A big, strong man filled with love & affection and it’s… THE CHIEF.

Well played Emily. Well played. I’m thinking I may be starting to like her again. They chat (and we later find out, Emily raps), they make amends and then seal it with a big, wet, sloppy open mouth kiss. Take that Courtney.

So this is what happens when you keep crazy under control. (Image: ABC)

Enough about all the kissing though, it’s rose time. Lindzi with her fake tan and heavy eye liner and girlish personality get the rose. This infuriates Courtney and causes her to show her first sign of weakness.

The Queen Bee heads back to her room where she preps since she is 100% sure that Ben will stopping by. He doesn’t. I think she may have cried. Nice Work Ben.

Next Stop – The Dreaded Two on One. Blakely vs. Rachel. Slutty vs. Sweet. Cheap vs. Cute. (I could go on but this post is getting LONG).

We’re going to break down the insane awkwardness of the two-on-one into two distinct parts.

Awkward, No this isn't awkward. (Image: ABC)

The Dancing – Ben & the ladies are learning the salsa. One lady must sit aside and watch while the pair dance oddly in the middle. They each get new salsa ‘fits – cute, fun & flirty for Rachel. Ugly, tacky, pink and prom-style for Blakely. Those descriptions can also sum up each girl on this date. Rachel acts adorable, fun and awesome (can you tell she’s my favorite) while Blakely dances slutty, acts WAY too excited and is generally annoying. (Did you see those stripper pole moves?)

Is this slutty? (Image: ABC)

The Dinner -Here’s where things got real. Each girl gets their time alone with Ben. Rachel is up first and is her normal, charming self. She lets Ben know she isn’t as forward as Blakely but that she really likes him (lord only knows why). She then spills all of her feelings out into his mouth and with an open mouth kiss we’re through.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the cop car lights reflecting on their faces during this date? Must have filmed in a dodgy neighborhood.

On to Blakely. Blakely acts like a 13-year-old girl on her first date… with Justin Bieber. She is WAY too exthusiastic. She goes ON and ON and ON and ON about all her feelings for Ben. She talks about falling in love with him and then she does it. She breaks out her scrap book. Yes, Blakely has been making a scrap book of her journey with Ben. (Apparently scrapbooking is one of the optional activities for the girls when they’re not on dates. They just throw a big wad of magazines, color pencils, construction paper and glue sticks in the room and watch what happens.)I mean that thing was CREEPY. I half expected her to flip to the last page where she had pasted their pictures on to wedding pictures or something. Yikes. Yikes Yikes.

As my best pal Kelly said (via g-chat), “scrapbooks are the kiss of death.” I’m going to take it one step further and say any arts & crafts project would have done it. I mean, really, that thing was BAD. Did you all see Ben’s face? I mean even Shaggy couldn’t keep it together. He was definitely hoping for a surprise CH pop in right then. All I can say is YIKES.

YAY For Rachel! (Image: ABC)

And just like that it’s rose time, yup right at the dinner table. It’s a face-off, a show-down, who will it be? Blakley’s overconfidence and crafting skills did her in and Rachel snags the rose. Oh lord, here it comes. Blakely, who has just poured her heart out to Ben, loses it. She is out of there like a bat out of hell (and I respect that, no stupid hand holding for her). She’s all sobbing and I just wish it would end. Wasn’t the scrap book misery enough?

Rose Ceremony Day

There’s a quick prelude to today’s rose ceremony. CH FINALLY makes an appearance (Where has he been? Doesn’t he know that we need him for guidance and direction?) and the girls are all like “What the what is Chris H doing here? This can’t be good.” They all try not to make eye contact until he finally reveals he’s there for a chat with Kacy S. Ah HA! I knew she couldn’t really be enjoying this charade.

Chris kindly pulls Kacy aside (couldn’t they let the girl grab some shoes?) and tells her that he knows about Michael. Her non-committal lover from back home.

Kacy fights back telling CH that Michael doesn’t love her and she’s looking for marriage. CH isn’t buying it and after a quick exchnge he gets to the point (like only he can) – “Are you still in love with him?” She fesses up and then CH drags her off to Ben’s room so she can confess to him to (“Gah, Dad! Do I haaavvvee to?”). They get to Ben’s room and he is notably surprised (although he shouldn’t have been – there were like 3 camera men in his room). CH pushes Kacy in and makes her spill the beans. Ruh roh.

CH cozies up along side the duo (“Don’t mind me!) while Kacy shares the nitty gritty. Ben is not sugar coating these scooby snacks and he tells Kacy to hit the road. And just like that another one bites the dust.

Cue the SE.

Side note: Does anyone else think Kacy kinda looks like a prettier Paris Hilton?

Okay, so CH tries to be nice (this is no Justin “Rated R” Rego we’re talking about) and consoles Kacy while simultaneously pushing her out of the building. The crying is immediate and never stops. Lots of blabbering on about never finding love and having to start all over again. I could only catch some of it. Partly because I was hiding behind my couch and partly because she was seriously hard to understand. One thing’s for sure though – Looks like this little lady will be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad.

Once Kacy is off the property, CH stops back in with the girls to let them know the news. He also reminds them that the cocktail party is coming up quick so they need to get ready STAT.

The Cocktail Party

Ben arrives and let’s the girls know he has  feelings for everyone. So let’s get kissing!

Nicki is up first. She hand molests him while taking about her intense feelings. They middle school dance and then decide to tongue kiss. Check.

Next up is Jamie. And here is where things get bad FAST. Jamie is determined to make up for the Courtney incident on the group date. She chugs about six cranberry and vodka’s and is ready to show Ben what she’s working with.

Doing her best impression of the Micro Machine Man, Jamie spills her feelings. FAST. She tells him she is going to do what she wants to him (yes, she said that) and straddles him which she says is Fancy (she learned the word from the Reba song so you can understand how she doesn’t quite know the definition). Before I can look away in horror and embarrassment, I hear the sound of her dress ripping. The verbal diarrhea continues and she is uncontrollably saying anything and everything that enters her mind as it relates to Ben.

IreallylikeyouandIwanttobesexyforyouandshowyouhowmuchIwanttobehereandspendtimewithyouandkissyou.

SOMEONE TELL HER TO STOP TALKING!

At this point, Drew has built a pillow fort around himself while I am using my laptop to shield my eyes from the train wreck occurring on screen.

And it doesn’t stop. She goes in for a kiss and starts giggling. Ben is starting to get annoyed and is like “Stop laughing you wackado, I’m trying to get you to shut up with a little tongue and you keep ruining it.”
This girl is an enigma, even Ben’s signature kissing move won’t hold her back.

She’s not going to let Ben escape so easily though. They MUST kiss (or she’ll keep talking forever) so they try again. But this time Jamie gives directions. A LOT OF DIRECTIONS. Will it be open or closed mouth? With or without tongue?
“LORD ALMIGHTY – JUST KISS” I yell at the scream while Drew asks anxiously, “Is it over? I’m not looking until it’s over.” Finally. FINALLY! Ben puts a stop to the madness and we escape.

Rose Time

Kacie Lindzi and Rachel all have roses.

1 odd man out.

Ben’s been thinking a lot about the journey and trust (of course he has), so here we go.

  • Nicki
  • Courtney – NOOOOO!

Who will it be Jamie or Emily (PLEASE SAY EMILY!)

  • Emily

 

Well it was officially clean out the crazies night on The Bachelor. Jamie and her endlessly talking are dunzo.

She goes out in a ball of tears and insecurity and this week’s madness is over. Next stop on the crazy train, Belize!

Whoosh, we made it.

Well we learned this episode that dating scrapbooks are never a good idea, always let the other person talk and no kissing instruction manuals are given on this show.

Oh and we also learned that Emily is still rapping (only redeemable point was including the bit about Ben’s frizzy hair).

What did you think of Jamie’s madness? Blakely’s scrapbook? Courtney’s tribal wear?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part II

When I left you all we had just finished the group date. Well, I wish I was coming back with something more exciting to start with but alas, all I have is an Elyse one-on-one. Blech.

Oh but I will jump in and say that Bachelor Producer Robert Mills (@millsy11374) gave SE a twitter shout out today! This is the 2nd time (eek!!) he’s shared the SE but the first time I got some feedback. Needless to say, this little blogger was excited. AND… he said they’d be using competitive dates again. Double bonus.

Elyse is BEYOND excited (more excited than me getting re-tweeted) for this date which is going to make it all the worse when she goes on the date and Ben wonders who she is and why’s she’s been around this long. But really, she is SERIOUSLY excited. Like I think she may throw up she’s that excited. All. Bad. Signs.

Elyse – Let’s go somewhere private.

Elyse is literally crying she’s so excited (??). Someone needs to get this girl a glass of champagne. STAT.

She gets it together enough to throw together an outfit using her tangerine nails as a style guide. That and a leopard print bikini and she’s ready to go.

Uh oh. It’s the boat date. Boat dates are always a bad omen. Brittany got booted on the boat day during Brad’s season, Ben (some other initial) got left on a raft on Ashley’s season and well Kasey Kahl got left on that iceberg (okay so it wasn’t a boat but it was a large body of water and it was awesome that he got abandoned).

Courtney, while a total bitch, has been pretty spot on this episode with her commentary. “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one doesn’t really bother me… I hope I got her number, I may not be seeing her later. I could use a personal trainer. [insert weird lip/mouth motion]” If she wasn’t trying so hard to be the next Michelle Money I might appreciate these comments more.

Tuxes on a First Date?

Okay, so date time. Strike one comes early when Elyse tells Ben (while constantly messing with her MASSIVE mane of hair) that she’s accomplished everything she wanted to so far. Ben calls her on it and I immediately know this date is going to be one for the SE record books.

She blabbers on about quitting her job to be on the show, to which I’m sure Ben made an “oh shit” face. But then I think about it and if you’re a personal trainer, is it really a “job?” Don’t you just go back to training your clients. (Okay probably not, please don’t send me mean emails Personal Trainers of the world). It’s at this point that we notice the dingy being drug along behind the boat. This must be Elyse’s sayonara water taxi, right?

After hearing enough about Elyse’s “accomplishments” (that’s in quotes because is moving to Florida really an accomplishment?), Ben suggests they dive off their floating mansion.

The jump is not just a fun water activity for Elyse, no she is literally jumping off the deep end into love with Ben. Exact quote. ‘There’s nothing better than the feeling of being in love.” For the sake of SE, I’m going to assume this was NOT taken out of context and proclaim “YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!!” Seriously, I yelled that at the TV. Loud. Really really Loud.

The last supper.

The second half of the date takes place on the beach where the two are dressed in black-tie attire for dinner (why?!?). This is just going to make the inevitable all the worse. He didn’t even love her in her best dress.

If this dinner could be any worse, it would be that Brittany/Brad date. Elyse talks the entire time while Ben fights the feeling to push her chair over and walk away. No but really, he stares off into space dreaming of scooby snacks and skinny dipping while Elyse dreams out their future together.

This goes on until Ben literally cannot take it anymore, so he begins his date wrap up speech. The cruel twist is that he’s holding the rose. So Elyse is all excited, huge smile on her face, thinking that she’s got this in the bag. But then the moment changes and Drew cowers behind his laptop praying that this will all just end before it’s even begun.

We’re forced to suffer through a cringe-worthy, embarrassing goose bump inducing, secondary embarrassment overload. The tears come fast and furious and it’s all downhill. He breaks the news and then does the one thing that infuriates me more than anything on this show, he walks her “out” while holding her hand.

You just broke this poor, pathetic girl’s hopes and dreams – just let her leave on her own.

He leads her down the beach while she wonders aloud what she did wrong. Oh Elyse, sometimes two people just aren’t a match but if you want specifics that dress was horrible, a ponytail never hurt a girl and tone down the tanning.

And then there it is. The getaway boat. It’s not the yacht dingy but a little coast guard-type boat ready to get her out of the picture. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they cue the David Gray music. NO NO NOOOOOO!!!! Why must they torture this perfectly good song? I’ll never be able to truly enjoy it again.

The date finally ends with Ben poignantly dropping the rose in the sand.

END SCENE.

But wait, there’s no time for sulking – Crazy Courtney is here to make it all better. She’s positioned her stalker self outside his hotel room and waited with wine, nothing on, lotion, a knife and a slew of compliments… for herself of course.

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” “I hope I’m a vision for him.” “I’m little miss sunshine, I just sprinkle it around.”

Yes, those are all direct quotes. The last one being BY FAR the worst.

They head out to the beach where Courtney and Ben quickly disrobe and Baywatch it into the ocean. Some overly familiar heavy petting ensues while I fight the urge to heave my dinner. They have to skinny dip because (as Courtney reminded us like 19 times) “You’re only in Puerto Rice once.”

That Courtney. She’s something isn’t she?

Rose Ceremony Time.

The first question the group of girls discuss is their confidence level. Courtney evokes her most annoying feature, her mouth, to do some weird lip pop while emphatically saying “Yup!”

Jennifer is one of the first to score some alone time with Ben where we catch a glipse of her seriously unfortunate flip flops (c’mon Red!). Her time gets pretty awkward as she gushes about how much she likes Ben. When she said “I think we’re on a path to love” I got the SE chills.

Next up Blakely, who confesses to keeping a daily affirmation journal of her love for Ben (creepy kinda). This blog is pretty similar wouldn’t you say?

Blakely has finally opened herself up to love and is ready to move forward with Ben or any other man if this whole thing doesn’t work. You know, she’s just gotta keep her options open. Strippers need love too. This outpouring of affection is sealed with a wet, sloppy, aggressive (did you see the grip she had on his face?) open mouth kiss.

Back to the girls who are coincidentally talking about skinny dipping (c’mon one of those girls had to be planted). Courtney can barely keep her secret. She looks like a 6 year-old girl just ready to burst at the seams.

After some time with Rachel and then Lindzi, it’s Emily’s turn. I’m hoping Em can keep it under control since she seems nice and mildly normal. Nope – she tells Ben she’s not going to talk about Courtney and then proceeds to talk about her for their entire time together. Ben is NOT digging it (we know this because the producers play Track 8 – “Not digging it” from their greatest hits soundtrack) and I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one leaving us tonight. Oh Emily, I had such high hopes for you.

One last note, what is Kacy S. still doing there? All she does is sit next to Courtney and reassure her. She is the Karen Smith to her Regina George.

Rose Time:

Kacie B. and Nicki (the twins) have roses.

  • Lindzi – He loves her even if she does act 11.
  • Jamies – Woah Prom Dress.
  • Rachel – Yay!
  • Courtney – Stop biting that lip!
  • Kacy S.
  • Blakely

Last rose goes to… Jennifer or Emily….

  • Emily! Woah, she got the cool your crazy rose two weeks in a row. She must be a good kisser or something.

That means Jennifer’s “path to love” has hit a dead-end. And this dead-end is a doozy. This interview is full of hiccup cries (has there ever been anything worse on TV/film than a hiccup cry?). I hate hiccup cries. Couple those with a “I just wonder what I did wrong” and I’m ready to change the channel. Oh this one is BAD. I’m afraid she may choke on her tears. Hopefully there’s a medic somewhere near. Yikes.

Enough of that, let’s talk about next week’s trip. It’s off to Panama City which promises to be full of Emily/Courtney drama, crying, binge drinking, crying, someone leaving, kissing, hot tubs and bikinis. Woo Hoo.

This was by far the best episode of the season and it gave me the mid-season boost I needed to continue.
What were your favorite/least favorite moments? Who’s your favorite? How much do you hate Courtney?

Also, if you get a chance please head over here and vote for me for best style blogger for my other blog LouWhatWear.com. Just scroll down and vote for Danielle! Seriously, it would mean the WORLD to me!

Until next time… stay tuned!

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My Encounter with Ames.

Okay so that title is a little misleading. It really should read my {twitter} encounter with Ames but I didn’t want you all to think this was something unsavory (I mean how could it be when it involves the king of class aka Ames).

It is no secret here at SE that I have some serious love for Ames. I know things started out rocky and awkward between us but once I embraced what Ames was truly all about (and realized that was his truly awesome personality and not some fake act for TV) my affection has only grown.

The facial expressions, the wayward glances, the (lack of) fighting skills, really – I love it all. I’ve even forgiven him for that whole Jackie debacle. Which is why I was hoping we may be lucky enough to have him for this season’s Bachelor. While we may not have been lucky to have received a gift like that from ABC producers, Ames knew that we needed a little of his trademark one liners to keep us going through the season and so he’s taken to twitter to give us his personal play-by-play (and what a fabulous play-by-play it is).

And it is on twitter where I received this little gem.

Yup, that’s a direct message from Ames. Is it incredibly sad to say that this literally made my night (don’t answer that)?

You may be wondering how you can scoop your very own DM from Ames. Well, it’s simple my friends. Just watch and learn.

Yup. Basically it’s a combination of flattery, stalking and truth. Oh and please overlook his ridiculous comments about loving Ben. C’mon Ames, you’re better than that. I know you at least would have gotten a proper haircut prior to taping.

Also, you need to follow/read Get To Our Game (@GetToOurGame). They do hilarious recaps of The Bachelor/ette/Pad from a guy’s perspective and, most importantly, they appreciate the magic of Ames as much as we (is that a little presumptive) do here at SE.

Until next time feel free to check out some of my other Ames-Centric posts (here and here and here) and also… stay tuned!

 

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“This Year’s Love It’ll Last. I’ve been waiting on my own. too. long.” – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 1

Well I’m back. Officially in the most shocking way possible, with Chris Harrison by my side, back. Ready for the most shocking, amazing, crazy, ridiculous most unexpected and insane season of The Bachelor ever.

And what better way to start the newest season than to relive the awful misery of Ben’s failed proposal. Yup, awkward solo boat ride to oblivion and all. Can we all agree that was one of the more painful moments in SE history? Okay, now that we’ve all agreed on that we can move on.

Cheers to getting drunk and crying! Image: ABC

Thankfully Ben has moved on as well and has “no regrets.” I’m hoping this only applies to his relationship with Ashley and not his unfortunate rendezvous with a tank top. Other than wearing tight girls clothing Ben’s just been running his winery, hanging out in San Fran, building bon fires with friends and drinking wine. Very similar to a group date on The Bachelor without the hot tubs, cameras and desperate floozies. (My spell-check wanted me to switch that to floppies which could have been an appropriate fix.)

We know Ben is fine because he tells us so ad nauseam in his introspective monologues. I want to hate on the monologues but I can’t lie, I’ve missed them (and don’t act like you haven’t. it’s been like 6 months).

We close this look back with a little performance of David Gray’ ‘This Year’s Love” which I’m guessing means that ole David will be making an appearance on Episode 4. Note to David: Don’t do it.

It seems our boy has been busy since getting left off the coast Fiji last season. You know just filling his time with standard activities like kayaking, carrying logs, driving a bulldozer, playing piano, wearing tank tops and hanging with friends (okay, at least that last one is normal). It appears that he’ll be bringing a lot to the table this season and by a lot, I mean a lot of awkwardness and bad hair.

CH steps in and saves us from the madness/sadness that is Ben’s life and let’s us know that we can buck-up thinking about all the madness that’s to come on the best way to usher in a new year aka the two-hour Bachelor premier. Yup, the cocktail party is just around the corner.

Missed you, mean it. Image: ABC

Yup, after that preview it’s official. I have seriously missed this. I forgot how much I missed it until just… Now.

And just like that Chris Harrison is there welcoming us bank like the old friend he is. So nice to see you too Chris. How did the holidays treat you? Get any new skinny ties? Flannel shirts (from Brad of course)? V-Neck tees? Ahh, we’ll catch up later.

Let’s meet the ladies with compelling (read: sad/loony/unique/vapid) enough back stories to share with the masses.

  • First up, Lindzi. Nope that’s not a typo, her name is legitimately spelled that way. Don’t ask. Thankfully for her, this is not her fault. She only has her parents to blame for that one. The only bad news is that the people who gave her that name raised her.  Moving on, Lindzi (I am never going to get used to typing that) loves riding horses, being from Texas and tanning. Oh yeah and she got dumped by quite possible the biggest douchebag in the history of mankind and I’m not talking about Brad Womack.
  • Amber - All you need to know about Amber are she loves camo, killing things, having weird, distracting bangs and eating beef nuts (nope that’s not a typo or a joke).
  • Kacie (what’s the deal with the “ie” ending? Clearly parents in the early 80’s were digging that.) Poor Kacie gives us a huge helping of SE and we’ve just met her. It makes me a little uncomfortable talking about falling in love with a guy you watched on TV (well, unless that guy is Ames). She follows it up with a move she stole from our favorite sun god Ryan and makes a heart with her hands. Yikes.
  • Courtneyis a model. Yeah, she’s modeled a lot of stuff. She stays busy being a model. Did you know she models?

    Tell me I'm a model or you'll get it. Image: ABC

  • Jamie is a nurse. Yeah she has some daddy issues (I mean, don’t they all?) but she seems nice enough and semi-normal. I like her which most likely means she’ll be eliminated instead of some crying most mess.
  • Lyndsie (yes, once again that is the proper spelling) is British and the daughter of an ambassador. If that wasn’t enough, she has her name painted on the side of her car and loves wearing costumes. She’s crazy but in the fun way.
  • Oh no, Jenna thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw. Except the only thing she has in common with SJP’s alter-ego, other than living in New York City, is the horse nostrils. She’s been speaking for less than 30 seconds but I already know she’s painfully insecure. She’s also said crazy at least 6 times (prelude of what’s to come?).
  • Shawn has a legit job but a less than legit dye job. Beyond her two-toned hair she is the mother of a cute little man.
  • Nicki comes from a long line of dental hygenist contestants on The Bachelor. She’ll bring her sparkly white smile and stained past (she’s our required divorcee in the bunch) to the mansion.
Well it seems we’re set. we’ve got our sob story (Jamie’s parents died and she had to raise her brothers & sisters), the mom and the divorcee. Let’s get this party started.

Ahhh – but before we can get going CH and Ben have to step aside for their fire-side chat. (Wait doesn’t this show film in LA? In the summer? Details, details.) This is always my least favorite part of any episode. These heart to hearts are forced and awkward similar to BEn’s proposal last season. thankfully, we learn that he agrees. I can’t imagine watching it on national television after actually living through it. Hopefully he had tapped into some scooby snacks for that because it was MIS. ER. A. BLE. On another note, why are they talking like this thing is for real. I know they are both aware that in the history of this show not one single couple from The Bachelor has gotten married. Oh well. That’s neither here not there and I’m not going to let it spoil the fabulousness that’s to come.

Also, it appears humingbirds will be a reoccuring theme this season. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

New TV Show Concepts Brainstormed During the Commercial Break: The Bachelor: Manther Edition. Forget all these young hunnies. Let’s get a manther in the mansion to tame a bunch of cougars. Now that would make some quality tv.

No But Really, It’s Game Time.

Alright enough with the blabber let’s meet these biddies.This is it. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Like Ben I am a unique mixture of anxiety, nervousness and excitement.

Image: ABC

  • Rachel, 27 – Rachel is really pretty, works in fashion but has two questionable piercings. I’m going to let it slide cause she seems to be one of the good guys and appears to have packed a suitcase full of television appropriate clothing.
  • Erica, 23 – Erica gets the award for corniest, cheesiest and all around most nerdy opening line. We get it, you’re in law school but let’s cool it on the punny jokes.
  • Amber, 28 – Oh yikes, there are two Ambers this season. BUT… the Baconater seems pretty legit (other than the whole being canadian thing).
  • Elyse, 24 – Pretty but unmemorable. I am going to need her to step up her game at the cocktail party.
  • Jenna- It appears that Jenna will be the mandatory train wreck this season. I covered my head in shame watching her misquote him, awkwardly ask questions and then stand there starring awkwardly at his junior high hair cut. Get me out of here!

    You're right I do kinda look the same color as an oompa loompa. Image: ABC

  • Courtney, 28 – Didn’t you know, she’s a model. No but really, she models. She also likes Ben’s hair. Woof. Next.
  • Emily – I appreciate that she was in med school until she went in for a smooch on the meet and greet. C’mon now.
  • Samantha, 26 – Ms. Pacific Palisades wore her sash but thankfully, left the crown at home with her dignity. She has no idea how she won the pageant. Um, you entered  and then a panel of D-list celebrities, local TV anchors and former pageant queens thought you sashayed the best. End of story.
  • Casey – Casey is tall. No, like really tall. But I like that about her. That and her see-through bottom dress. Sounds weird but looked pretty cute on TV. (I understand that some of you may question that and I’m okay with it.)
  • Amber – Here’s our little beef ball eater (yup, I just typed that). She abandoned the camo for a dress that accented her odd bangs. She also is guilt of the corny opening line/encounter.
  • Holly – Okay, I’m going to have to step in here and let the rest of America know that Kentucky is not filled exclusively to the brim with ditzy blond girls in giant hats. Also, I have no clue where Sawyersville is and I’ve lived in KY the last 6 years. Yes, we have the Derby and the other 364 days of the year are not spent wearing giant hats. Duh, they’re spent drinking bourbon and running around barefoot (I kid, I kid).
  • Jamie – I like Jamie despite her utterly woofy dress selection. C’mon Jamie, prom was like 8 years ago. You can retire that bad boy.
  • Shira – Shira claims to know EVERYTHING about wine. Except she actually knows NOTHING. She also needs to eat a cheeseburger.
  • Blakeley – Blakeley is wearing feather earrings and is a VIP Cocktail Waitress which I assume means she’s slept with Tiger Woods.
  • Grandma Sheryl & Britteny - So here’s the G-Ma moment ABC has been promoting the ish out of. Thankfully Britteney is pretty but this whole grandma intro seems awkward and forced, which would probably be the best way to describe this show. What’s worse is that Grandma is coming to the cocktail party. Seriously? Well at least Ben “loves Grandmas.”

We get a momentary reprieve from the intros for some truth from the Baconator who calls out Samy Sash, Holly Hat and Grandma’s Bestie Britteney. I like her. I hope she doesn’t make me regret that.

  • Nicki – Don’t call anyone older than 12 precious. Especially not boys.
  • Dianna – Another prom dress. This one is a wind gust away from a nip-slip.
  • Jennifer – She’s our token red head. We also learn she’s an accountant who hasn’t been arrested. Thanks for that.
  • Lyndsie – The brit is back and this time she’s spewing poetry. Made me a little uncomfortable when she did a herckie upon completing her poem as Ben looked on with his trademark vacant stare.
  • Anna – She’s so mysterious that she just walks on by. Me thinks she was doing us all a favor.
  • Monica misses her dog. Woof.
  • Shawn – Wow wow wow. Shawn must not have any girlfriends back home to critique her dress selections for the show because that dress was oh so unflattering. She seems nice but that dress made her look like Fiona from Shrek. Someone needs to let these girls know that rouched satin was not made for the bright lights of Hollywood (I’m looking at you Chantal).
  • Jacklyn – Meh.
  • Kacie – Our Music City divorcee is looking good in a sparkle mini. Let’s just hope she can keep her enthusiastic desperation under control.

And just when I think it’s time for the drunken sorority all-nighter to begin…

  • Lindzi rides in on a horse. I’ll look past it cause her dress is pretty. Although I am still recovering from Ben saying the word “dismount.”

Ladies Night

This party got out of hand quickly so I am going to break down the high (mostly low) lights (and I’m not talking about Shawn’s hair).

  • Gimmicks. This season the girls were all about the gimmicks. Sashes, hats, horses, grandmas (that’s an unlikely sequence). Everyone brought their show and tell item to the party. Hell, one girl even snuck in a blindfold and candy to impress Ben. What happened to good old fake boobs, low cut dresses and stripper shoes?
    And the girls that didn’t rely on gimmicks were pissed (read: super jealous and totally unprepared). Oh and did anyone else think Grandma hung around WAY too long. I mean really, a sit down? So weird. And why wasn’t Britteney (I hope she gets eliminated so I won’t have to keep typing that) talking more? And last, did anyone else think Grandma looked like a really old Jamie Lee Curtis? So many questions, so few answers.

    This is no place for Grandmas. Image: ABC

  • Gushing on Ben. Are these girls seeing something I’m missing? When I see Ben I see unwashed, 1995 hair (parted down the middle) and a nice suit. These girls are seeing their prince charming, knight in shining armor and cream dream (that’s an long story … see the video here.) So many girls were at a loss for words that I am at a loss for words. The following are actual words used to describe Ben: sexy, very handsome, real, genuine, honest sincere, sweaty, distracted, confused. Okay I added those last three.
  • Mental Instability.This is always a theme on The Bachelor but last night we may have reached an all time high on the first night. We’ll break down the whole Jenna thing in a minute but there are some other loose hinges too. For example Nicki. So much akward babbling. And please don’t let her drop the divorce bomb this early. Also, I love Rachel but quitting your job gets seems a little reckless for me. And it seems like you had a good one too. You know, there can only be so many administrative assistants and dental hygienists on this show. And last but not least, did you all see Grams crying in the limo? Why was she crying? Do they pump some sort of weird gas in those things to induce crying?

    "No I love you more." Image: ABC

  • Jenna & Monica - So this whole thing got crazy quick. Jenna & Monica are sitting down having one of those awkward “no I like him more” convos when Jenna ask if Monica has feelings for Ben already. Well of course she doesn’t have feelings for him yet. She met him 45 minutes ago and she’s not bat shit crazy. The obvious answer (which is clearly not the go-to in the mansion) infuriates Jenna who demands Monica pack her things and hit the road.
    Monica doesn’t appreciate Jenna’s mental instability (and really who does?) so she tells her she’s a loon. Let the games begin.
    This starts an all out feud which leads to the mental unraveling of Jenna before our eyes. It also leads to an odd girl on girl encounter/love fest with the VIP Cocktail Waitress (wait she’s not there to serve drinks and pleasure the guests?).
    Jenna, who is giving us bloggers a bad name, fails to take her own touted love advice to “chill the f**k out” and my standard advice for all contestants (and girls the world over) “keep your crazy under control.” When Ben stops in to find out why she is crying and asks how their doing. We get the best line of the night. Ben says he’s having a great time and Jenna responds “Cause you know no one can dismiss you?”  then a very insincere “ha ha. just kidding.” Yup. She said that.  Let’s just say that it gets weird. So weird that she winds up in the bathroom giving herself the saddest pep-talk/heart-to-heart of all time. It went something like this.”I was excited before.. and now… I guess I’m scared…. I don’t want to be like this {sobs}” Wow Jessie Spano. Slow down. “…everyone here sucks…”

    Ahh, this girl has seriously lost it. Holly from KY steps up and says she feels bad for them when what she really means is “bless their hearts.” Which everyone in the south knows means that those girls are lost loons  that need to be institutionalized for their severe insecurity stemming from lifelong daddy issues.”

    In the end, ole girl barely makes it to the rose ceremony where she fights her inner demons and forces herself to follow her instincts and take the plunge (with a knife into Monica’s heart – thankfully the producers put a stop to that).

    I know, I can't believe I wrote that either! Image: ABC

  • Courtney’s a model. Wait did she tell you that she models? She’s modeled roses and engagement rings. She’s also modeled Bachelors. No but she’s a model for real. Like a model who travels the world. A model who is finally ready for love. She models.
  • The New Kasey. It appears we’ve got this seasons Kasey Kahl. Nope, not a singer but a rapping MD. Yes, Emily seemed like she was on the right track when she called everyone crazy but then she did an exremely long rap performance for Ben. The only thing worse than an awkward serenade has to be an awkward rap session serenade. The SE was overwhelming my entire being and Drew was forced to bury his head in his hooded sweatshirt to avoid catching the SE. Yikes.

Since Ben is unable to diffuse or control the craziness it continues throughout the night. The only moment of respite is when he delivers the first impression rose to Lindzi, who seems alright despite the unfortunate spelling of her name.

Favorites: Rachel, the Baconator, Monica (I get that she’s got a lessy side and has a weird laugh but I think she’ll be funny) and Jamie.

Rose Time:

Time to get rid of some crazies (or some seemingly normal girls who couldn’t make a strong impression).17 roses on the table. Let’s break some hearts.

  • First Impression Rose – Lindzi.
  • Jamie – The sweet RN in the bad dress.
  • Rachel – Woo Hoo!
  • Blakeley – VIP Cocktail Waitress/Prossy/Feather-Lover/Lesbian?
  • Emily – Rapping MD.
  • Kasey B.
  • Casey S.
  • Britteney – Grandma helped her snag this one but can she do it on her own?
  • Erica – Rebecca Black’s sister gets one more week. Partying Partying YEAH!
  • Shawn – The two-toned momma in the bad green dress.
  • Nicki – Meh. At least Ben thinks she’s a “good hugger.”
  • Elyse
  • Jennifer
  • Samantha Sash
  • Courtney – did you all know she’s a model?
  • Jacklyn – Who? (I predict she is this season’s Brittany – you know the one with the heart shaped earrings.)
  • Monica – Well of course.

And last but certainly not least.

  • Jenna – She snags the “come to Jesus” rose or the “shape up or ship out” rose. The one that puts you on warning. Let the craziness continue (and don’t think we don’t have ABC and the producers to thank for those last two roses.)

So the British poet and the Baconator must head home along with Amber the hunter and some other chicks.

And just like that, it’s over. Wait there’s more!

Hug it out bitches. Image: ABC

Stay tuned because this season will be chock full of…

Hot tubs, beaches, bonfires, crying, ancient ruins, ex-girlfriends, cat fights, crying, hometowns, mountains, crying, skinny dipping, runny eyeliner, proposals, monologues, crying, and bikinis.

YAY – throw in some rappelling and boating and we’ll have one hell of a season!

The journey has just begun my friends. I think, despite my earlier doubts, that we’re gonna have a fun, SE-filled season.

What was your favorite or least-favorite moment? Any early favorites? Do you miss Ames (I do of course … more on Ames later…)

Until next time… stay tuned!

Yeah this happened. Image: ABC

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