Okay first things first. Apologies are in order on my absence last week. The run-in with my DVR really set me back and I could never get around to watching the first half of last week’s episode. I hope the top ten made up for it a little tiny bit. Anyways, sorry friends about the posting gap but I’m back ready to tackle hometowns.
A quick recap montage voiced over by the ever so lovely CH and it’s straight into the visits. First up…
Lindzi in Ocala – The Horse Capital of Florida (I know they claim the world but as someone who grew up in Florida and now lives in Kentucky, I feel I’m qualified to say that Ocala doesn’t have squat on Lexington when it comes to horses).
So this is the guy that texted you "Welcome to Dumpsville"
I know you all are SHOCKED that Lindzi greets Ben from the saddle of her horse Devin. You know, cause she really hasn’t mentioned horses that much this season. I was happy to find out that Lindzi is originally from Florida mostly because it explains the love of tanning. The whole Seattle thing really had me thrown off. Consider the universe at peace again.
Since Lindzi’s character on this show only involves two things – horses and being tan – she decides to showcase the more impressive of the hobbies and teaches Ben how to drive a carriage.
Confession: For all her weird horsey-ness and serious tanning issues (oh and don’t get me started on the eye liner), Lindzi isn’t so bad. Dare I say, she may be my favorite of the final four.
After a quick ride, Ben & Lindz sit down for their picnic (why why why does this show love outdoor dining so much?) where our girl decides to get a little emotional. She breaks down her feelings for Ben showing him, in his words, “a soft side, a sweet side.” Ben’s digging it (and I’m digging the lack of frizz in his hair – must be winter in FL) and is ready to meet the folks.
Lindzi awkwardly sits in his lap and shows the way home. In true Southern fashion, Margie & Harry are sitting outside enjoying some sweet tea. Unfortunately for them, the nice gentleman their one and only daughter is bringing home has been “making out” with 15+ girls the last three weeks.
Lindzi’s Pops offers Ben some chilled chardonnay and then challenges him to a carriage race around the backyard (but not before her hippie parents confess to getting married at City Hall in San Fransisco. I’d say I was surprised but that would be a lie since I already saw Margie’s hair).
Not gonna lie, Lindzi’s dad is kinda cute – not sure if I’m a sucker for his love of trash talk or the fact that his name is Harry (my step-dad’s name) – either way, I’m a fan.
Mom & Dad rig the race by saddle up a thoroughbred that wandered through the challenge Lindzi’s donkey Devin. Secure in his manhood (cause he’s a real man), Harry takes Ben aside for their chat.
Other than finding out that Ben wants to take it slow no matter who he proposes to, we do learn that Lindzi is an only child whose parents have tried to keep her away from boys and “kept her focused on horses and cheer team.” This small details really explains a lot about Lindzi’s “journey.”
A little wine from a redneck wine glass later, Ben sets off on his next tour de parents. But not before Lindzi and Ben seal their love with an open mouth kiss and an awkward “back at cha kid.” (C’mon Lindz – I want to like you.)
Next stop… Clarksville, TN with Kacie B.
When I see Kacie B. I wonder aloud why she is dressed like a grown-u (in the loosest form of the word) baton majorette. I find out quickly that it is intentional (I think) and that she is doing a little “routine” with the local high school kids to show off for Ben. It had been a while since we’d heard about her band days but her lack of fashion evolution does confirm my theory that she is really a 14-year old high school girl trapped in a 24-year-old body.
This happened. (Image: ABC)
Kacie commits one of the SE cardinal sins when she does the run, jump, catch spin move with Ben. I’m pretty sure this may be one of my top two least favorite Bachelor activities, right up there with crying in the limo and confessing your love too early.
We find out that they’re at a football field named after Kacie’s grandpa (more on that later Kacie says with a wink). But one quick walk up the bleachers later, we find out that Kacie’s g-pa just liked sports and had a bunch of money. So basically the same reason fields are named after rich white dudes the world over.
We also learn that her g-parents shared a Notebook-style romance that Kacie is READY to recreate with Ben. Oh Kacie and you’re romantic dreams.
Ben shakes her out of fairytale land and demands some deets on the parental units. Kacie tells us that her Dad is a Federal Probation Officer that doesn’t drink. Uh-Oh. Add to that he was very skeptical of her going on the show (well at least someone was – sounds like Kacie’s Dad may be the voice of reason we need). Double Uh-Oh.
Ben is neeerrrvious. Especially cause of that whole “I sell booze for a living” part. I can see the SE now.
A quick off-screen cackle from Kacie and we’re at her house for dinner (where production forces them to all awkwardly sit on one side of the table – kind of like The Last Supper except nothing like The Last Supper – sorry Jesus).
Kacie’s Dad is country (I can say that cause I live in Kentucky) and you can tell that Kacie is super nervous about her pops breaking things down with Ben right quick. So to avoid any uncomfortable situations for herself and leave them all for Ben, she and her sister head into the other room. There Kacie let’s her sister know it’s time to pick out the wedding colors cause Ben is HER man. After they settle on hot pink and teal, we learn that Kacie’s parents (or just her Dad maybe) are super serious and kinda controlling. This leads me to believe this whole Bachelor nonsense has been a move to get them to loosen the reigns a little (or a chance for her to loosen her morals – either way).
Ben and Daddy-O sit down for their one-on-one and needless to say, it’s a LEEETTTLE awkward. Bottom line: Kacie’s Dad wants them to slow their roll and not even THINK about marriage yet. Add a couple more awkward silences and you get the picture. He also puts his foot down and tells Ben to let Kacie know now if she’s NOT the one. Uh-oh. Ben tells us he’s “not sure he likes me.” Drew responds, “probably not since your hair is longer than his wife’s.” Truth.
Kacie’s mom adds to the pressure by giving Ben the third degree about Kacie moving to California and the horror of her moving in with him. Thoroughly scared, Ben packs up his stuff, leaves his food and gets the hell out of there.
Next stop… Ft. Worth, TX with Nicki
“I love Texas everything and Texas Nicki, that’s the best part.” Yes this is a direct quote from Ben Flajnik. Definitely a keeper.
So this is how you do it. (Image: ABC)
So we meet up with Nicki in Texas and it appears that even at home she has horrible fashion sense. Clearly her love of off-the-shoulder shirts runs deep. Woof.
Once again, Ben notices the horribleness of her outfit and makes a beeline for a new fit (remember Puerto Rico?). This time, instead of traditional Puerto Rican garb, it’s traditional cowboy wear in Texas. Ah, stereotypes.
They head into the boot store where Nicki likens finding “the one” to picking the right pair of boots. “Finding the right boot is just like finding the right partner in life,” she says as I run to the bathroom to vomit.
Performing at 8 at tonight's Rodeo. (Image: ABC)
Nicki abandons her sparkly off-the-shoulder sweater for a sparkly, off the shoulder glitter explosion and it’s time to head to the local saloon (Where are they? Texas circa 1885?) to wet their whistle. I’m so distracted by Nicki’s sparkles that I don’t even notice the cowboy fit Ben has thrown on. Oh these two. A quick whiskey later and these crazy kids are off to meet the folks.
Before they arrive, Nicki tells us that she’s expecting a lot of questions from her parents. First one that comes to mind for me is “What in the F are you wearing?” But maybe that’s just me.
Nicki also tells us there is going to be a lot of talk about the Big D (and she don’t mean Dallas). Nothing like bringing home your new boyfriend to talk about your failed marriage. Get excited.
So we arrive and if you were already confused about how to tell Nicki and Kacie B. apart, this isn’t going to help. It appears Nicki’s Mom and Dad look shockingly similar to Kacie’s parents. If Nicki had a sister, I’d be seriously creeped out. Instead, she has a little brother who I don’t think says one word the entire filming.
Nicki and her Mom break off for some seriously embarrassing girl talk while Nicki’s Dad gets serious with Ben. Not gonna lie, her Dad seems pretty sweet. Dad seems to dig Ben and just asks him to take it slow (he can’t be paying for another wedding again so quick!).
Since Nicki loves loves loves to jabber box about her feelings, she pulls Ben aside to let him know she’s in love with him (isn’t this like the 35th time she’ told him?), he responds with a sufficiently awkward, “Really?” and they kiss.
The night comes to a close and Nicki walks Ben out where she proceeds to wave and cry until she can’t see his Escalade anymore.
Save the worst for last. Courtney’s Evil Lair aka Scottsdale, AZ.
Courtney meets Ben and it’s all baby talk and lip biting. Ugh.
Thankfully, we head straight to her parents house so we can finally figure out where this all started but not before Ben tells us he saw his “past, present and future” on his last date with Courtney. WOOF. Thankfully, he follows this with the comment, “It would bother me to end up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, prepare to be bothered.
They arrive and it’s straight to the table where of course, Courtney sits right in the middle. Not sure why they sit down at all though because two seconds late Courtney’s sister (and her seriously ombre hair) sneak out to chat. Courtney’s sister knows everything about her (do you think she knows she’s a model?) so she’s excited to get her thoughts on Ben. I stop paying attention and then it turns to the guy talk.
Courtney’s Dad asks Ben if he’s ready to bet on love (wait, is he a big Bachelor fan? Watch your back CH!) to which Ben responds “All IN!” while visions of skinny dipping dance in his head.
Next up is a chat with Courtney’s mom where we finally find out where Courtney’s weird lip and vapid, glossed over eyes come from. Their conversation bores me until my ears perk when Courtney says “If he keeps it up, I’ll be ready to say yes when he proposes to me.” Oh Courtney, it’s always all about you isn’t it?
We’ve seen enough so it’s time for their local park date.
Raise your hand if you were surprised when Courtney took Ben to the park where she had her first modeling gig. If your hand is raised, you should X out of her right now.
Next question, raise your hand if you were surprised that Courtney threw a fake wedding. Okay, I didn’t think Courtney was this kind of crazy. Mean, conniving, slutty, insulting, self-centered crazy? Yes. Faux-wedding crazy? Didn’t realize she had it in there.
So here’s where the seriously bad secondary embarrassment set in. I am not joking when I say I had embarrassed goose-bumps for this entire segment.
Courtney and Ben are just sitting on a bench when she mentions seeing a wedding there before. Ben asks if there is one going on this afternoon, not knowing that Courtney has an evil plot to marrying him right then and there. No really, she does.
It's the creepy country wedding I've always dreamed of. (Image: ABC)
Since she obviously, wore a white dress. She doesn’t need to change but she’s packed a bag of tricks (I’m getting embarrassed just writing this now) which include:
- Pen and Paper to write their Vows.
- A bow tie for Ben.
- Fake Rings.
Yes, this is real life. Yes, this is happening on your television screen. Yes, I fear the apocalypse is near.
Could this be any worse, I think no until, yup – there is an officiant there.
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Ben going through with this? Seems like this is a kind of extreme way to just tell someone you love them.
I am in literal shock as I watch them recite vows and go through an entirely faux wedding. This is insanity. I mean, they put rings on each other and say “With this ring, I thee wed.” Words cannot explain the shock and embarrassment. They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and I am frozen in place on my couch.
So so so creepy. (Image: ABC)
Seriously, is there no sanctity for marriage? Does Courtney know she’s not just modeling this wedding? Ahhhh.
Thank god it ends and it’s time to get rid of one of these ladies.
Before the rose ceremony, Ben sits down with our man Chris Harrison who does a thorough recap of all the hometowns. No lie, I fast forwarded through this since I just sat through 90 minutes of hometowns.
I’ve got a feeling this one is going to be epic (ly-bad). My pick to go home, Nicki (I don’t read the spoilers anymore so just humor me).
- Courtney… “I do.” Woof.
Down to the twins.
Wait What? WOAH Nicki! I definitely thought he’d pick Kacie B. Looks like her Dad really did a number on him (Or it could have been that awful dress, either way).
While the other (read: nice) girls give her a huge to say goodbye, Courtney makes an stretched out stork face sways around in her weird, inability to connect with others (and show real emotion) way.
A quick walk out and we’re in the limo where things get rough.
“Why am I not good enough? Why Why? How did this happen?… What the F*** happened? What the f*** happened?”
Yikes. What do you think the producers say to them in there? I’d LOVE to have that job. (Sorry I would, I can’t help it.)
Poor Kacie. It seems like your parents happened honey. That your baton routine.
Enough crying, gotta keep the love train on track. Next stop, a “perfect place to fall in love,” Switzerland!
The next place their going is the perfect place to fall in love. Duh. Switzerland.