Tag Archives: Bachelor

Hola Mi Amour * The Hunt for the Juan * The Bachelor Season 18 Episode 1

Hey you guys! Did you miss me? Probably not, you probably just forgot about me and moved on to a bitchier, better Bachelor blogger. Don’t worry I’m not going to cry like a contestant with daddy issues. I know I’ve been away but I’m back and ready to share my love of Juan Pablo with the world.

Seriously guys, it’s Juan Pablo time. First off, I gotta give a big, giant, sealed with a wet kiss thank you to ABC for giving us all this belated Christmas gift. Nice, nice work. Your best trabajo in years (my apologies in advance, there’s going to be a lot of Spanglish going on this season).

So let’s all forget about Ben Flajnik and Desiree, put them in the past and get excited about a long winter’s nap heating up with Juan P.

“God damn you are good looking in person,” said Juan Pablo.

Unfortunately, I didn’t share my excitement with my DVR and due to an unfortunate (more like blessing in disguise) glitch, I missed almost the entire portion of the show dedicated to sob stories, awkward desperation cries and long walks on the beach (boardwalk, farm, small town Main Street). I was spared a lot of secondary embarrassment which could be a good thing or a bad thing. For me, the only bad part is that I’m coming into these limo reveals without any back story. The good part, I don’t have to learn a lot about a bunch of girls that aren’t going to last past the first 45 minutes.

I’m going to chalk this one up as a win since I get to mentally fast-forward straight to home-sweet-home (aka the bachelor mansion) and a quick bro catch up with my long lost boy toy Chris Harrison. Missed you boo bear.

You know who I missed more… oh you know. It’s Juan Pablo. After blowing a few kisses at my paused TV screen (Drew was in the basement watching the football game), I’m ready to kick things off. Let’s do this mi amour.

Side note: totally loving on JP’s new English skills. How cute is it that he practiced? How cute is he for doing literally ANYTHING? Sorry, I digress. Back to the limos.

With squeels of delight and “he’s so cute” in the background (from the limos, not from ME. C’mon you guys), we’re ready to unleash the ladies of Limo Numero Uno (sorry i can’t help it).

* Amy. I’m going to call you Jessica Rabbit. Why is your dress so sparkly? Please tell me this is not going to be a pageant dress parade. Pretty, pretty please.

* Cassandra. How nervous is this girl? At least she’s letting her cleavage make the first impression because lord knows her awkward lack of talking isn’t winning JP over.

* Christy. Too tan. Why the white dress? Ditch that headpiece. This isn’t Coachella.

I am getting super judgy but JP is digging it. Take note ladies:  A little clevage and a lot of barrel curls will go a long way with a man.

* Christine. This little latina in the green dress is from Miami (you can totally tell from her accent) and I’m thinking JP may dig this gal. Bonus points for bringing a little present for Camila.

* Nikki the Nurse. Just an FYI, this will be how I refer to her from here on out (which could be a long time judging by the previews). Not sure how I feel about the stethoscope prop. I give her credit for giving JP an excuse to get super close to her ta-tas.

Limo Numero Dos

* Kat. This little kitty is a dancer who is pulling her best J.Law impression in that red dress.

* Chantel. All I know about Chantel is that she is very sassy about name pronunciation. She’s bossy (say it in the Kelis voice and it will be better).

* Victoria. This little lady is from Brazil and drops a little portugese language bomb on JP which he totally digs. All I know is ABC better be ready with the subtitles with these two.

Side note: Can we please outlaw the awkward hugs that accompany this portion of the show. They are all forced, they all make me uncomfortable and the girls always do something weird with their face/body to avoid leaving a giant make-up schmear on the guy’s shoulder.

* Lucy. Okay first off, “free spirit” is not a job. If it was, we’d all be free spirits and living like we’re part of the 1%. We all saw the special yesterday, old girl works in a boutique so cut the crap and just put “Sales Associate” or the like. Also, take off that stupid flower crown, put on some shoes you hobo and stop acting like a five year old. Lucy, you’re already wearing me out and we’ve just met. This doesn’t bode well for your SE future.

* Danielle. What a beautiful name. That is all.

* Woah what’s happening? Is Sarah Baralleies performing on the first episode? Nope, it’s just Lauren or whatever her name is, flexing her talent muscle on the piano. I’ll give her credit for coming strong with a real talent instead of a horse/skateboard (I’m looking at you Lindzi and Jef – gah their stupid name spelling should have been the first warning).

Lauren, in all her talent glory, forgets to tell JP her name. So he chases her inside which causes ole Jessica Rabbit to do her best Kevin McAllister impression. Hey ladies, Chill the F**K Out.

You can play my keys. Wait did I say that out loud?

Limo Numero Tres

* Chelsea. Love that dress and this girl seems cool until… wait… no, take off those science nerd frames. No no no, do not say “let’s have chemistry.” Thank the lord above that she didn’t kiss him. For a half second,  I thought she might and I got super uncomfortable. I’m not totally out on this girl but she’s treading on thin ice.

* Valerie. Oh cut it out with the cowboy boots. You’re not THAT country.  -

* Elise. This one kind of weirds me out. Why is she walking (no sauntering) so slow? What’s with the pageant talk? Why is she making me so uncomfortable unintentionally?

* Ashley. Love the dress. She seems a little old for JP though.

* Clare. WTF. Take off that fake baby bump. That shit is just weird. Seriously, it’s really really weird. I miss a lot of their interaction because my mouth is hanging open in disbelief that this is really happening in front of me. Why are people so strange/desperate for attention?

*Alli. Alli knows whats up. She’s breaking out those soccer skills to impress Juan. And it certainly fills the time better than a hug and oddly staring at each other.

* Amy.  “I’m here for you, because it’s you.” Well hey there big crazy. We’ve been waiting for you! Drinks are inside. Grab a few and we’ll talk later.

* Renee. Hot mama. Seriously though, she’s really pretty (so you agree, you think she’s really pretty) and seems semi-normal. And she’s got a little boy. Love it.

* Lauren. Woof. First off, those shoes. And second, don’t do that smushed up thing with your nose. It does nothing (and I mean nothing) for you.

* Maggie.  Our resident southern belle. “Lures” him in with a little fishing gift and that accent.

REALLY?

* Really, a dog? Really? And then your job is “dog lover?” That’s NOT A JOB. Sorry, not to be insensitive but that’s NOT A JOB. It’s just not. And why does the dog go with her to the party? Also, has the dog been stealing all her food? Kelly - we’re getting off to a VERY bad start.

Limo Numero Quattro

* Lacy. More pageant dresses. This time with a side of red hots courtesy of a prescription from Dr. Cupid. No. Just No.

* Alexis. I can’t even remember what this girl looks like now. My b.

* Kylie. If the double wave didn’t alert you to the fact that she’s a total douche, the pepto pink dress should have tipped you off.

* Sharleen. Why so serious Sharleen? No but really? Why is she so stiff. Loosen up little lady (no really, you need to have loose morals to be on this show).

* Andi.  Oh this girl is it. ABC even cued up that lovey music. I’m thinking I’m going to be adding this lady to my top five picks in my Bachelor pool (yup, I’m in one of those and it’s awesome). Juan Pablo is really picking up what this little hottie is putting down.

So now that we’ve met all 27 (dios mio) girls, it’s time to liquor them up and let the crazy loose. You guys excited?

So when do you all take off all your clothes?

Juan Pablo walks in and the girls all wipe the drool off their chins in unison. This comes immediately before they all squeal “he’s sooooo cUUUUTe” together. If you were drinking at home, this would be your cue to tip the glass. That and any time they mention the accent or Camila.

Despite the awkward entry, Sharleen makes up for it with the clutch cocktail. Juan Pablo let’s out an “Aye Yai Yai” which the girls all think means “Cheers!” and we’re off.

Just gotta break in and raise my glass to ABC, once again, on the JP choice. Seriously great work you guys.

Before you ask, yes, we did roofie this drink.

Juan Pablo knows it’s time to mix things up so he does the only thing he’s comfortable doing in a room full of chicas, he breaks out the boom box and gets a dance party underway. In a flash, it looks like a scene straight out of The Wolf of Wall Street before the Quaaludes kick in.

Here’s the highlights of the one-on-ones:

* Nikki the Nurse. JP remembers her because she’s the nurse and she made his heart go “boom boom.” Me, Juan Pablo. You, Nurse.

Hey okay Tarzan, we get it. You don’t speak great English but we’re going to have to do better than that if we’re going to make it through 10+ weeks of this.

* Renee the Momma. All these two need is a cup of coffee and we’ve got a Match.com commercial. Just two single parents sharing stories and talking extra curriculars. Let;s hoping these two get to doa little extra curriculars of their own coming up this season on The Bachelor (sorry, sometimes I can’t help but go into Chris Harrison mode).

Consider this your warning Lucy. Keep this up and things are going to get bad.

* Lucy, I’m going to need you to get the hell out of here right quick. Personally I have a pet peeve about not wearing shoes. There is NO EXCUSE for not wearing shoes. Honey, there’s these things, they sell them at stores, they’re called FLAT SANDALS. I want to buy a pair and throw them directly at the flower crown on her head (hoping that the foot bed hits her squarely in the nose while knocking the crown off). “I’m just a drifter,” she says. Um, really? Because yesterday I saw you working at a high-end boutique. Pretty sure real “drifers” don’t sell $500+ dresses to rich women in Hollywood but hey, I could be wrong.

Oh this girl. I feel that she may bring out some of my best work while simultaneously driving me crazy.

* What, where did this massage table come from. Seriously producers? You are just unleashing the crazy and totally enabling these girls. I’m not mad, truly I’m impressed. One glass of champs and Amy’s got glazed over crazy eyes in full effect as she rubs down Juan Pablo. (Side note: Why are her boobs so smushed in that dress? Looks horrible along with those bangs).

No, just no.

I’m totally distracted by her weird smushed dress cleavage when I hear her say, “I just wanted to take off his clothes and poor my oils all over him.” These people live among us. Just remember that.

“The massage was pretty awkward,” says Juan Pablo, perfectly echoing what we all felt inside.

We’re all just recovering from the case of the weirds we got from Amy when CH strolls in like a boss with a single rose. This opens the flood gates on a level of crazy champagne could never conjure. All of a sudden girls are fretting over “their time with Juan Pablo” and starting to lose their grip on keeping crazy under control.

It becomes especially tough for old Lauren to control and within seconds she is crying. Yes, you read that correctly, this girl is crying. So while Science Nerd Chelsea watches JP dominate the photo booth, Lauren is losing all control of her emotions and rational thought.

It makes for wonderful television.

Oh and in between all of this, Andi confirms that she’s a total babe with a cool girl personality, a badass job and pretty hair. Just give her the first impression rose already Juany P. (On a personal note, Andi receives my at-home first impression rose. This means little to nothing and plays no part in the progression of the show. I just thought I would share since we’re friends and all.)

So Blakely, I mean Lauren is still freaking out (in the mean time, JP has talked to at least three other girls) and ABC is just letting it fly. Drew walks up from the basement and wonders why I am sitting wide-eyed, staring blankly at the screen. It takes him a full 30 seconds to knock me out of the SE shame spiral I am stuck in.  My skin is crawling but I’m happy that we’re bringing crazy back. It’s a double edge sword.

I mean the girl says “This is breaking me.” Um, I think there had to be some serious underlying issues if 2 hours without attention from a GUY YOU DON’T KNOW is breaking you. No but really, where do they find these people?

When Lauren finally gets her five minutes with Juan Pablo, she lets her crazy go totally uncontrolled and word vomits all over him. It’s just chunks of “bad breakup,” “I got a call at work that it was over” and “we were planning to get married” all over Juan Pablo. He promptly stands up disgusted, wipes the word vomit off of him and makes a mental note to forget her forever right then and there. Good move bro.

No but really, I threw my hands over my face uncontrollably at one point, unable to physically deal with how embarrassing she was being. I think we should all buy that old BF a beer, clearly he was dealing with a whole lot of crazy.

Last but not least is ole Sharleen. Okay but really, why is she so serious? I know she said she’s an opera singer but are we sure she’s not in the military. She says “sir” WAY too much to not have some sort of military background. She’s stiff as a board and it’s giving me a case of the sads hearing her talk. But Juan P is loving it and all of a sudden goes from cool guy to needy guy. Wait, who is this and where did my Juan Pablo go?

He’s loving her “elegant” vibe so much that he hops up to snag her the first impressions rose and every one is all, “what the what?” Even Sharleen is totally confused and for some reason acts like she’s just not that into Juan Pablo. Um, what is wrong with you. You accept that rose gladly and stop calling him “sir” you big weirdo. He’s not your daddy or your Sargent or your conductor.

She finally accepts with a “thank you sir” in her best Old Greg impression (have you all seen that BBC video? It’s weird as hell but super funny).

All of the other girls (me included) are confused and kinda hate her but no time for all that, it’s rose ceremony time!

Love that CH has to explain how to accept the rose. Honestly gals if you don’t know how this part works, you have way bigger problems than being a reality tv show to find a husband.

It’s been great meeting you but some of you – como se dice loca? – girls are going to need to leave now.

Rose Time:
Sharleen is safe.

Wait that one girl STILL has her dog with her?

* Clare – Me? Yes you, you crazy faux preggo.

* Nikki the Nurse – love her.

Panic already setting in for Lucy.

* Renee – hot mama.

* Andi – the one to beat.

* Alli

* Chantel

* Lauren S. – Piano {Wo}man

* Kelly and her dog – REALLY? Dog lover is not a job. I just need to reiterate that.

* Cassandra – You can stop freaking out now.

* Danielle – Get it namesake.

* Chelsea – Love that little nerd.

* Kat – Oh no, did you see that? The mouth-y red-head just jumped out. “Oh I thought you said Kelsey… can you just take both of us.” Um no, he can’t. Now get back in line and prepare to go home. WOOF. That was really bad. I wasn’t ready for that level of secondary embarrassment so early.

* Victoria

* Christy

* Lucy – Stop f-ing acting like a five-year old. I’m tried of you already.

* Elise – You didn’t win a pageant, stop acting like you’re constantly in one.

Final Rose. Please no, don’t let it be the massage girl. Anyone but the massage girl.

* Amy L. aka Jessica Rabbit

So it’s the end of the road for the crazy massage therapist, over eager Kelsey and that cutie Christine. Oh and some other girls I don’t remember.

It may have only seemed like two hours to you but for these girls that cocktail party was an entire journey with hopes, dreams, aspirations and a lifetime of happiness all wrapped up in it. so when the “journey” is over, the waterworks begin. Yes, you read that right. Handsy Amy totally breaks down and lets this gem out, “My heart capacity is ready to devote myself to a man.” Yes, her heart capacity is ready now. Just let that soak in.

But don’t let it linger too long because we’ve got some previews to enjoy. Epic, heart-wrenching, dramatic previews. Get ready for a season full of bungee jumping, fireworks, canoodling, soccer, latin dancing, long hair, sad faces and a little bit (haha, who are we kidding – a whole lot) of crying.

Right now my favorites (and by favorites, I mean my top five picks to make it to the end): Andi, Clare, Nikki, Sharleen and the Chemistry teacher.

Oh and my prediction for most hated bia since Chantel (from Brad’s season): Lucy.

What did you all think? Favorites? Winners? Losers? What did you think of CH’s suit (woofy)? Let’s discuss.

Until next week… stay tuned!

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Filed under The Bachelor

Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay’s} every seen.” Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I’m thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I’m just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as “a bunch of flowers made of petals.” Yup, that’s what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire “dinner” is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that – that comes later), she’s saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it’s on like donkey kong (except it’s not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to “express her feelings” which means she’s ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here’s the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she’s gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there’s no stopping it (see ex. 1 – standing on a chair and yelling “I Love Sean.” ex. 2 – does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it’s annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn’t going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it’s straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee’s all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It’s time for another one of Sean’s test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it’s time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges – I guess this is Sean’s way of figuring things out. I’m just saying that I found Brad Womack’s way (i.e. – hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 - AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin'” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange –  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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Dr. Sean Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Hating on Plaid and Love Chris Harrison – The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 3 Recap

Sorry for the delay friends. Been a hectic past few days and work got in the way of my recapping.

So last night, I decided to close up the computer so I could sit back, relax and enjoy the madness (also, I was really tired and couldn’t bear the thought of typing into the wee hours).  I’m pretty glad I did so I could soak up all of Tierra’s fake fall, actually enjoying a genuine moment on the show and throw popcorn at the screen every time Kacie B. popped up. That being said, today’s recap will not include some of the word for work quote mockery I’ve become known for. Sorry Charlie. I’ll be back to normal next time.

Love love love this guy.

The show opens in what should now be the open credits, Sean working out. Add in a little of that epic love music (maybe a little “On the Wings of Love”) and a beach run and I think it could become a nice standard open. Think about ABC?

Sean’s not necessarily my type but it never hurts to see those rock hard abs and if you’re playing The Bachelor drinking game, it gets your night off on the right track. Favorite line, “I’ve got my work cut out for me.” Ah, gotsta love the way the producers matched up that voice-over with Sean finishing up a set of rows. Good work.

But enough of Sean, doesn’t he know we all really tune in for one man? The one and only Chris Harrison. CH swings by the mansion to recap the rules, current standings and scatter a little cat nip for the gals to claw over, you know, a date card.

So there’s 16 gals left. This week we’ve got three dates lined up (duh). One group and two one-on-ones. First one up is little ole Lesley (jerk move Selma on giving Leslie high hopes).

“How long will this love last?”

I’m perplexed by this date card. Does he want me to answer? Okay, if I must. My best guess is that this love lasts at least until hometowns but not much longer. Even if she makes it to the end, I give it 9 months max. But enough of my predictions…

Sean and Lesley jump into the most pedestrian of Bachelor transportation methods – the limo – where the cannooodle and flirt around. Lesley is a big ball of hype for her date until she sees the limo stop in front of the Guinness World Record Museum. Uhhh what the what?

Side note: I haven’t decided how I feel about Lesley yet. On one side she seems pretty normal, not obnoxious and is remaining mostly out of the fray. All things I like. On the other side, there’s something about her that bugs me a little. Not sure if it’s her voice or what (certainly not her style – little lady always looks cute). Moving on.

So they’re at the museum and you can tell that Sean the prankster is back in action. He loves throwing these gals curve balls and seeing their reactions. At first I thought it was endearing but now it’s just getting to be old news. Either way, Lesley plays along and it appears these two are having fun on this little walkabout. It also appears that Sean is preparing for his final date scrapbook and taking tons of pics on his point-and-shoot.

But now it’s game time. Sean drops some knowledge about his pops breaking a world record (a pretty cool one at that). It appears Papa Ken Doll was the fastest to drive in all 48 contiguous states. Nice work.

“That’s cool Pops”, says Sean. “But I’ll see your world record and raise you a slutty world record.” Yup, it’s time to make a little history on this weekly competition dating show. It seems that Sean and Lesley are going to take a lick at setting the world record for longest on-screen kiss.

As the sweet sounds of Boys II Men’s “I’ll make love to you” play in the background, Sean and Lesley recreate their first middle school dance. Image: ABC

Lesley is the perfect mix of embarrassed and excited as they walk outside to complete their task in front of a randomly assembled group of hobos, street walkers, tourists, understudy Bachelor contestants (seriously, what was the deal with all the blondies in cut-off jean shorts?) and passerby’s.

CH is on the scene, along with some foreign Guinness guy, to make things official. Thank god for him because if not, the full THREE MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS of them kissing would have been an SE nightmare. Good lord, I was thinking they’d just let us fast-forward through that madness but instead we had to watch along through every lip-pursed closed mouth kiss.

We all know how big of a hater I am on the open-mouth kiss but when you’re setting a record for kissing, I would hope that you’d add in a little more tongue action. Watching them smile and press up against each other (do we keep our eyes closed? do we open them? what do we do with our hands?) was painful at best and awkward as hell at worst.

Favorite parts: CH playing ringmaster. Least favorite parts: Tie between Lesley and Sean’s off-screen commentary and the crowd of cheering fans. I mean really people? You have to have something better to do with three minutes of your life than watch these two touch lips.

Moving on.

Anyways, they break the record and we all take a collective break to change for dinner.

At dinner these crazy kids talk about their idyllic childhoods spent in perfect nuclear families where all they did was hang out with their families, do homework and go to practice (they are like the Aaron Samuels of Bachelor-dom). Clearly this season, tragic back-stories are out (unless they involve losing a limb) and perfect families are in!

Lesley impresses him with her great upbringing, sense of humor and short skirt so the rose is hers! They seal the deal with a kiss, this time with tongue and I’m instantly take back everything I said earlier about tongue-action.

Enough of these well-adjusted kids, I need some crazy crying in my Monday night routine. Let’s go on a Group Date!

Group Date: Set. Serve. Spike with Tierra, Robyn, Leslie, Taryn, Jackie, Little Desi, Kacie B., Amanda, Catherine, Daniella, Lindsey and someone else who I can’t remember right now. Oh I remember now. The model. What’s her name?

“Why yes, I am Captain America.” Image: ABC

The girls all throw on their perfectly matched bikinis and hit the beach for a date made for Sean’s abs.

It only takes one “TAKE OFF YOUR SHHHIIIIIRT!” for Sean to ditch his mank-top and run around like an extra on Baywatch. The crew spends the next 3 minute montage throwing the football, running into the ocean hand-in-hand and watching Sean do push-ups using Catherine for extra weight. It all feels so insanely staged but at least no one’s crying… yet.

Realizing that group dates were made for feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and tears, the producers throw in the challenge. Duh Duh DUNNNNN. Split into teams cause you all will be hitting the beach volleyball court to compete for five more minutes with Sean.

After assembling teams, the girls spend the next ten minutes erotically covering each other in body paint rather than coming up with a legitimate strategy on how to actually win. This lack of planning means that the game is a total and utter mess. It’s like watching 10 hot-bodied Daria’s.

“Kill HER! I mean It, I meant it!” Image: ABC

In the end, the rag tag team of Desiree, Amanda, Lindsey, Robyn, Kacie B. and Jackie win the match and to the victor go the spoils. So these ladies break out their shortest sun-dresses and get ready for a night of competing for Sean’s love and affection.

Here’s what I can tell from this group:

* Little Desi is annoying. All her lip-licking, band sweeping and bloated self-confidence are slowly making me want to lunge through the screen and wipe that stupid smirk off her wedding-loving face.

* Amanda is bi-polar and her mouth is slowing gaining control of her face. Seriously, every time she smiles I fear it will be the last time we see anything south of her forehead. Also, she is nuts.

* Robyn is a cutie-patootie.

* Jackie has no idea what she is doing there other than looking pretty with her Princess Ariel features. (Has she even spoken to Sean on-camera once?)

* Kacie B. needs to be immediately thrown into the ocean. First off, throughout the season I’ve had no idea what she’s been talking about in any of her on-camera interviews. Always something about “being selfish this time” and “not here to play game.” On this date she decides she’s going to use Desi annoyance with Amanda’s multiple personalities to her advantage. Wait what? That doesn’t make sense. She tells us that she thinks Sean will hate the drama but then she sits down with him for the expressed purpose of creating drama. Not sure what is happening with her but all I can tell is that she is in need of some serious attention. Isn’t being on television TWO TIMES enough attention Kacie B?

Anyways, she sits down with Sean, talks some crazy shit about Desi and Amanada and Sean cuts through her bull in one second flat. “Ugh why are YOU telling me this?” Yeah why are you telling him that? You are an idiot who deserves to be sent home now so we no longer have to see your hair frizz in the California heat again.

* Lindsey has emerged from her crazy first night and has wooed Sean with her high-pitched voice, hand grabbing and talk of rainbows, unicorns and puppies.

And the rose goes to… Lindsey. Ole girl is a serious threat. Watch out now.
While things were getting weird beach-side, the rest of the crew heads back to the mansion where they bathe in each other’s tears and wax poetic about “needing more time.”

I mean couldn’t we have just invited one of my buddies so someone could catch this? Image: ABC

Enough of those sad-sacks, it’s time for the final date.

Riding High with AshLee.

We’re in the home stretch now and it’s time for the last date. This one goes to AshLee (and not without a little drama induced reading of the card from Tierra). AshLee gets all glammed up and is awaiting her knight in v-necked cotton armor when from the stairs comes a clatter. Who is it curled up in a big ball of eyelashes but Tierra of course. She lays there like a big lump of coal moaning waiting for the moment for Sean to arrive.

He does and attends to her like the decent human he appears to be. Tierra, being the miserable person she appears to be, capitalizes on the situation and throws a hissy-fit similar to the one my two-year old throws when I won’t let him eat gummy-snacks for dinner. After being the paramedics off with her curling iron, Tierra escapes for a quick cuddle session with Sean. WOOF.

All the while, the sweet and innocent AshLee waits inside – silently plotting a way to destroy her roommate named after a bedazzled headpiece.

Once the date begins, Sean tells Ash that they’re going to Six Flags and that they have the whole park to themselves. Well maybe. Sean is up to some more tricks. This time he invited a couple terminally ill children to join them. Nothing like using sick children to provoke a reaction you’ll use to gauge her prospect of being your wife. All jokes aside though, these kids are awesome.

The pair of girls both had mitochondrial disease (I think that’s what it’s called – no disrespect intended) and were meeting for the first time. Since they both love the Bachelor and amusement parks, it’s a big ball of fun for them. I’m sure they were wondering if they could kick AshLee off the date but in terms of a Bachelor date, this one was a good one.

I will say it was surprisingly awesome to watch them interact with the girls and see two kids really enjoying themselves. It also made me think of Sean not as a robot created by ABC for entertainment and ab shots but as a real human. I’m also glad ABC chose AshLee for this date because throwing Des or Tierra on this one could have been a mid-to-mild disaster.

Not going to lie, I got a little knot in my throat and not from the sheer excess of secondary embarrassment this show tends to shower on us. I also was kinda jealous because that date looked like a seriously fun time. I’m guessing AshLee just wishes she was dressed a little more appropriately.

For rose-getting purposes, AshLee shares a little of her background. Adopted but… from a perfect family. She just got hers a little later than the rest of the gals. Her story warms Sean’s heart (and is genuinely very sweet) and she is rewarded with a rose. The group dances away the night to the Eli Young Band.

Rose Time:

I’m pressed for time so I’m just going to use a word run on to describe the cocktail party:

Spray tanning. Bootylicious Tierra. Crazy Desi. Man Stealing. Oh No She Didn’t. More Man Stealing. Sarah’s cute ass puppy. Man that was nice of Sean. Musical Chairs. Kisses galore. Madness. Champagne. Crazy Eyes. Teary Eyes. Kacie B. in a Wet Suit. More Man Stealing. And the roses go to….

No but in all seriousness, girls got real at that cocktail party. It was like they were playing capture the flag with ole dude.

And the roses go to…. Hold the phone…. Sean needs to talk to Kacie B. outside. Turns out little buddy didn’t like what she tried to do at the beach so he is sending her ass home right about now. He says it’s because he respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony but I’m guessing he just doesn’t want to look at that wet suit and nappy ponytail anymore.

Anyways…  the roses go to…. (Lesley, Lindsey and AshLee all have roses)
(in no particular order cause I don’t remember)

* Amanda
* Daniella
* Selma
* Robyn
* Leslie
* Jackie
* Tierra
* Catherine

And … * Desiree

Am I forgetting someone?

Anyways, the model and Taryn go home along with Kacie B.
See ya later (maybe Bachelor Pad?) ladies.

Oh snap, why did they leave out the footage of them getting Old Time Photos taken?! LOVE THOSE! Sorry I know that gives you all secondary embarrassment but I can’t help it.

What did you all think of last night’s episode? What made your skin crawl? What did I leave out?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“I’m The Bachelor, this is absolutely nuts.” The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 1 Recap

First off, it feels good to be back.

Second, I just finished watching the premier and I can’t help but be filled with a little bit of giddy joy. Somewhat similar to the first day of school. You know, if school was full of slutty, insecure, crazy girls. Oh wait, it was! Hooray school is back in session.

No but really, I think I’ve been away so long that I rather than being consumed with constant secondary embarrassment, I genuinely embraced it every time it showed its awkward face on my television set.

Gah I missed this. (Admit it, you did too.)

So this season marks our boy Sean’s second chance at big boobie grabbing true love. After a quick preview of one girl’s pursuit of madness (I’m watching you Tierra), it’s time to get down to business. And by business, I mean video footage of Sean with his shirt off. It appears that since the last time we saw Sean, he’s been working on his pecks, improving his babysitting skills and hoarding v-neck tees. You know, standard post break-up stuff.

Side note: There needs to be an addition to this season’s drinking game: take a drink every time Sean takes his shirt off. Take a shot every time he is shown working on his fitness, shirtless obviously.

I’m BAAACCK! Image: Buddy TV

While Sean’s been crying puppy dog tears and trying to deal with his new found fame, we discover his dad has been picking up Brad’s plaid me downs at Goodwill. I mean,  if anyone knows about Brad’s sloppy seconds it’s the Lowe family.

Side note part deux: When is Emily going to come back (again) as The Bachelorette? #runitback
Hey Robert Mills – make it happen. 

We end with one of the more ridiculous camera shots this show has ever filmed: Sean sulking on a beach while a couple celebrates their beach wedding in the distance. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Enough of beach bum Sean, it’s time to move on with things. And who better to help Sean move on but Arie. Nothing like having a former reality show nemesis bro over for some brewskis before heading out on the hunt for love.

p.s. – did you all see Sean cutting up some strawberries to feed to his favorite man candy Arie? So sweet.

These guys can totally relate to one another because of course, “we both fell in love with the same girl and we both got our hearts broken by the same girl” and we both love v-necks. Brother from another mother. Totes.

The bros move from the kitchen to the patio where it’s time for some words of wisdom from good ‘ol Arie. So at first, I thought this sit down was one of the biggest man love moments on the show, then it turned kind of funny and then it got kind of brotastic. Especially when Sean asked Arie from kissing tips.

Now I know there are TONS more secondary embarrassing moments ahead but I may have to say this was the worst for me. It’s well documented around here how much I HATE HATE HATED watching Arie kiss Emily. The slurping noises, the aggressive face grabbing, the visible tongue fighting to figure out what she ate at her last meal. It. was. too. much.

So having to hear Arie give his pointers was one of the more horrid moments in my viewing history. I definitely yelled out “NO NO NO!” at the TV multiple times. When Arie demonstrated his hand technique, a little piece of my soul died. And I”ll never forget that I heard this line, “You’re kissing her with your whole body.” ENOUGH.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, my man Chris Harrison steps in and save us. Happy New Year to you too CH! How I’ve missed your face! Seriously ABC, don’t keep this guy hidden up in a house on a hill. There’s got to be some parade or pageant or game show that CH can host during hiatus.

While I’m hoping aloud for some more one-on-one time with Chris, the producers have a different idea. Apparently we have to meet the ladies or something. Lame.

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat. Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?” Image: Buddy TV

* Desiree, 26: Ray (as her friends call her) or Desi (as I will call her) is a bridal stylist. This has all the making of a downward spiral but Desi doesn’t seem so bad. A little desperate but nothing too alarming… well that was until I heard her laugh. You can’t hide a crazy laugh.

* Tierra, 24: This gal has trouble written all over her. And not just drawn on like her eyebrows. Little lady couldn’t be more excited about Sean as The Bachelor. So excited that she’s filmed jumping up and down, yelling his name, all over her hometown. “He’s family oriented and that’s what I love about him.” Yikes a million.

Robyn, 26: Nerdy Engineer that loves gymnastics. ‘Nuff said.

Diana, 30: This momma of two is a hairstylist in Salt Lake City. She’s got to be friends with Michelle Money right? Kids + SLC + Bachelor = Besties. Here’s hoping.

Sarah, 26: Blondie advertising designer with one arm. Serious question from me – How do you send the girl with one arm home? Serious question from Drew – When he proposes, does the ring go on the right hand? Okay, we are the worst. Sorry about that. No but really, I like Sarah. She seems normal. That’s what it takes to be normal on this show, one arm.

Ashley: Oh Lord. Another hairstylist. What’s the deal with hairstylists on this show? Maybe they’re just planted to make sure the girls all have the perfect beach waves on every date. Oh wowser, while I was thinking about beach waves, Ashley’s been busy showing us her cats and revealing her 50 Shades of Gray obsession. Question: “Why am I single?” Answer: “I totally hope Seans rips my clothes off and spanks me.” Where do they find these people?

Leslee, 26: This gal means business. Political consultant from down south, living in DC. Doesn’t want any stinking nerds or politicians. Next best option, The Bachelor, obviously.

Kristy: Oh no. Another model. Kill us all now. model.

AshLee: A professional organizer with a penchant for getting teary eyed. Side note, can we talk about the way her name is spelled? Change that. Change it now.

But enough of that nonsense. We’ve all watched this enough times that we don’t need to watch a ton of footage of girls {working out, dancing in their time square, acting weird & quirky for the camera, telling their sob story, playing with their kiddos} to know what this group is made up. Time to meet these gals face to face.

I’m throwing in a twist/challenge for the intros. Rather than wax on about how crazy or ridiculous each girl is, I am going to try and some each of them up in three words (maybe four at times but definitely under five). Let the madness begin…

Limo Reveals

As sounds of “he’s SO cute!” “ahhhhh!!!!” “he’s so handsome” “I love him!” dance in our heads, we all settle down for our winter recap. (Sorry that was corny, cue your own secondary embarrassment for me. I couldn’t help it.)

Limo #1

“Here let me do that for you.” Image: Buddy TV

* AshLee F: Really that spelling?

* Jackeie, 25: Little Mermaid puckers up. (I’m counting Little Mermaid as one word.)

* Selma: Hottie wipes it off. (p.s. – doesn’t she look like a latin Ashley Greene?)

* Leslie H.: Ready for prom OR big mouth & busty.

* Daniella: Is that lingerie?

Limo # 2

* Kelly: Please don’t sing.

Katie: Curly Sue, Sun-Saluting Yogi

* Ashley: I definitely won’t be the first or last person to say this about Ashley but it’s pretty dead on: 50 Shades of Crazy.

Oh You. Image: ABC

* Taryn: Doesn’t watch The Bachelor(ette/Pad)?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

* Catherine: Seems pretty normal. (BORING!)

Limo # 3

* Robyn: Yikes. Failed Flip.

* Lacey:  Emily’s lacy twin.

* Paige:  Ran it back from BP3.

* Tierra:  Drama for days. OR Gets the Rose.

Love how Sean says that he “hopes it doesn’t create any tension.” Hey bud, are you as crazy as Tierra? No wonder you “clicked” immediately. These girls are gonna hate Tierra hardcore. Just wait for it.

Gotta pop in and give a prediction on Paige. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Pad 3, here’s the low down on little Paigey-Poo. Last season they invited 4 fans to compete on BP. It seemed like a fun idea except those fools got run out of the building real quick. Quickest of all? Our girl Paige. She seemed nice, sweet and mid-to-mildly normal but don’t be confused. This gal is NUTS and BEYOND desperate to make it on the show. She won’t get all drunk and stupid and she won’t come off as a conniving bia but don’t be fooled – Paige is crazy motivated to get on the show.

Limo # 4

* Amanda: Fit Model. Boo.

Side note: It has become insanely clear that the #1 requirement on Sean’s list was big boobs. All of these girls have yittums for days. Not hating, just appreciating.  Get it how you live Sean.

“I brought this as a gift. So you will remember that even when I’m crazy, I still love football. And that makes me a winner.” Image: Buddy TV

* Didn’t catch this girl’s name: Rest of dress?

* Desiree:  Pennies from heaven.

* Sarah:  Don’t look at her arm.

* Brooke:  Cute short hair.

* Diana: Michelle Money’s BFF

Three word break-in: So much boobage.

Lesley M.: Down. Set. Spike.

Limo # 5

* Kristy: No. More. Models. OR “Best from the Midwest.” BARF.

* Leslie: Nicki Minaj? (Take away the hair and they look EXACTLY alike.)

* Italian Leslie: Threats ≠ Love

* Lindsay: WHY WHY WHY? Or as you may remember her: Crazy Bride to Be.

Really? That’s it?

Gotta expand on Lindsay in that absurd wedding dress. First off, if you’re going to wear a wedding dress, try not to get the ugliest one on the rack at David’s Bridal. That thing was fug to the max. Second, don’t try and play off your crazy as having a “sense of humor.” Um, last time I checked, having a sense of humor meant telling a joke or doing something a little silly NOT dressing up like a bride on a show where you compete to find love. C’mon Lindsay, you broke the Secondary Embarrassment Cardinal Rule on the first episode: Keep Your Crazy Under Control. Amateur.

Oh and yikes a million when she has to go inside. Did she not think about that? First,  that EVERY girl will hate her for being so ridiculous and second, that you actually have to wear that dress for the 12-hour cocktail party.

NO NO NO NO! Image: Buddy TV

But before I can continue ranting on Lindsay (and watch her make an enormous fool of herself in the house), CH is on the scene with a SUPRESA! Lord knows I love a good surprise. One of the former contestants on CH’s speed dial gave him a ring and asked to “meet” Sean. Who can it be?

Before CH can even finish the sentence I am yelling “PLEASE TELL ME IT’S SHAWNTEL!” at the screen. I lunge for the remote control and violently fast-forward (thank god for DVR, I couldn’t deal with this show AND commercials), all the while begging out loud for it to be Shawntel… again.

Oh yay! One More! Image: Buddy TV

Unfortunately for me (and let’s be real, all of you because I get down on talking about the undertaker), it’s Kacie B looking like a smoking hottie in that see-through number. Kacie knew that if she was coming back, she needed to come strong and obviously that meant showing off the girls. It’s amazing that they’ve remained so big (wink, wink) despite the fact that she’s clearly lost about 25 lbs since her season. Why so skinny Kacie B? You were already a grade A cutie and now you just look a little scary skinny. I think you need to head back to Clarksville for some of Momma’s cooking.

Also, I cannot stop staring at her boob mole. Just thought I’d let you all know.

Well, now that the gang’s all here, it’s time to start the shenanigans aka binge drinking like sorority pledges at their first mixer. Just with less guys and “that girl” times 26.

Bottoms Up!
(No not like that, you dirty mind. I meant glasses not, you know.)

This is not some original thought but it must be shared, Sean is a living (well that’s debatable. he could be a ABC created robot… how awesome would that be? okay, sorry that got weird), breathing, anatomically correct Ken doll.  And now he’s standing in a room searching for his Barbie. This is going to be an American love story at its best.

Sean is super pumped to be standing in a room full of easy women all vying for his validation, attention and love. How do I know this? Because he says that word for word in his toast. (Aw I wish!) He washes down his mix of fear and excitement with a Corona in a glass (see that lime?) and he’s off on his “amazing adventure.”

Seriously with the presents? Image: Buddy TV

Another amazing adventure is also underway, Kacie B.’s quest to avoid having her eyes scratched out by Paige and all the other super fans who think it’s “SO UNFAAAAIRRRRRR” that she’s back for a second chance. I think they’re just mad they chose to wear their prom dress while Kacie B. got real (read: slutty) in her Vegas wear.

The cocktail party is always crazypalooza and it’s hard to recap it all so here are the low lights:

* Desiree, in a sea of uncomfortably crazy laughter, manages to win Sean over with her love of wedding dress design and showing off her na-na’s. He rewards this with the SECOND ROSE of the night.

Woah woah woah little buddy. ABC didn’t set up these rules for no reason. You can’t just start giving out roses willy nilly in an attempt to avoid the threat of mob murder at the rose ceremony. This show is based on a carefully crafted set of “rules” and breaking the rules is just “NO FAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRR.”

* Sean says F your rules and starts running around like the Pied Piper, doling out roses to whatever fair maiden crosses his path. He decides to channel his inner-Oprah (don’t we all want to?) and is just skipping through the house yelling “YOU GET A ROSE! AND YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE!” It’s a twist I both love and hate. Hate because he is robbing us of the mental breakdown of at least 12 women over the course of the night. Love because he is making the five mental breakdowns we do get to see THAT MUCH BETTER.

* This is Paige at the cocktail party:

Always lurking, watching, waiting, look at the baby, look at the baby.

* Every few minutes we check in with Kacie who STILL hasn’t gotten a rose. This baffles her and also takes her back to that insecure place where girls on The Bachelor live for 9 weeks.

* Within minutes, Sierra, Robyn, The Little Mermaid and something like four other girls all have roses. Paige is SO MAD! This also spurs Tierra, Desiree and some other girl who got a rose to debate on who really got the “First Impression” rose. Um, WHO CARES? Apparently Tierra cares because it seems her eyebrows have begun to move independently from her face. This frightens me and I have to take cover behind a massive pillow cushion until it ends. I’m also filled with dread since it seems we’ll be stuck with this little darling for a while.

“Is this a bomb?” Image: Buddy TV

* Nicki Minaj does not get a rose.

* The girls catch on fast to Sean’s game and have formed a single-file line that moves and follows him to each section of the patio. So whenever a boob-evaluating session conversation ends, the first girl in line physically throws herself on top of Sean forcing him into a sit down.

* About this time is when we reach the drunk as a skunk portion of the show aka the good part. Yeah, Taryn is crying but why focus on the sad crazy when you can focus on the party crazy.

* Ashley is like a gift from up above sent down to The Bachelor to entertain us with her “that girl” antics, awesomely inappropriate dance moves and obsession with S&M. Not sure where the producers found this one but if there are more, please bring them out for Bachelor Pad (OMG, I just had a revelation. Please, please, please let this gal make it to the Pad. She would be a simple slice of perfection.)
Her one-on-one should have been one of those epic SE moments where I crawl under my couch and look for lost cheerios but instead I embraced it. I think that we’ve been on hiatus for so long that I couldn’t help but soak up and enjoy every stinking second of the train wreck happening before our eyes. It was poetry in motion. And by poetry, I mean the kind scrawled on the bathroom door at a skeazy college bar. “Bless her heart,” Yoga Jane says as the rest of the country nods in agreement.

Oh and you’re welcome for that video.

* Next stop on the crazy train is Lindsay aka the Blushing (from all the booze) Bride. Can’t help but love Sean a little when he calls her out: “We may have the same morals,” Lindsay says filled with hope and desperation (which are actually the same thing on this show). “But not the same drinking tolerance,” replies Sean with calm wit of someone who’s been there before and lived to remember tell the story.

* Last but not least, we’re filled with hope (the real kind) for Sarah. It would be like The Bachelor to make one of the most normal contestants the girl with one-arm. I even don’t mind her annoying Kourtney Kardashian voice. Sarah’s all down in the dumps, sad because she hasn’t gotten a rose yet. Don’t fret little Sarah, your Ken doll is here to sweep you off your feet and present a challenge never before seen in Bachelor history: What to hold? Your drink or the rose?

(Oh and don’t get all judgy here. Likely this is not the first time you’ve read secondary embarrassment and if it is, you’ve made it this far so don’t get offended now.)

* It’s time to close down this party and get ready for the real rose ceremony but not before some helpless sap says this classic, “These are the most perfect roses ever… and they came from Sean.” WOOF.

Rose Time

In one of the least dramatic rose ceremonies of all time (gah, i missed that bachelor franchise hyperbole), Sean has already shot most of his load and now only has seven more roses to give. The girls are sharply divided and it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some sort of pushing, shoving and name calling as they arranged into their quest for love pyramids.

And the roses go to…

* Amanda: Pretty girl. Big mouth. Woah woah woah, make that HUGE mouth. (“I see you Sean,” says Drew in one of his rare but meaningful and gross comments.)

* Leslee M: Political Football Junkie for the win.

* Kacie B.: Well that’s a relief.

* Kristy: Boo the Midwest model.

* Daniella

OMG Paige is FUMING right now.

* Taryn: You can quit crying now honey.

Final rose and it goes to…..

Fingers crossed for crazy Paige!

* Lindsay: WHAT the WHAT? Wedding dress girl? No Way! There is only one word for this: Ridonkulous. Okay maybe two: Staged.

How in the WORLD did this girl get a rose? Image: Buddy TV

The walk of shame commences, one that Paige is all too familiar with. Bummer.

But enough of those sad sacks, it’s time to toast to {love, adventures, the possibility of motor boating!} Let the adventure begin!

And no premiere episode is complete without a look ahead/cheat sheet at the season. Here’s what it looks like it will be full of: Beach, boobs, beautiful babes, more boobs, bungees, boats, bitches, {neck} braces, bitterness, being bummed and bliss.

Side note: Did anyone see that wedding dress gal gets a HELICOPTER DATE!?! I’m happy that helicopters will be making a prominent return but really, with wedding dress girl. Consider me disappointed.

Last but not least, Ashley’s exit interview may be the best five minutes of footage ever captured by an ABC camera. Give that girl her own show. Now.

Okay, so what did you all think? Are you excited for this season? I must say that I’m pretty hype. It already is better than Ben’s season (he was the WORST!) and obviously the crazy force is way stronger in these gals than the men. I’m thinking we’re in store for some fun.

Who’s your favorite? Who did you wish got kicked off? Let’s talk!

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Get Excited… Bachelor Pad Contestants Announced

Get excited friends. As meh as I’ve been about Emily’s season (sorry for the lack of recap this week), I’m always ALWAYS hype about Bachelor Pad. It appears that this seasons cast will not disappoint. I, for one, CAN’T WAIT.

So without further ado, here’s who will be providing nonstop secondary embarrassment this summer on Bachelor Pad:

 

Lindzi Cox

Occupation: Development Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Bellevue, WA

You Remember Her: From her cute clothes and for attempting to break up the evil reign of Courtney. Looks like she’ll be this season’s Tenley.

 

Blakely Jones

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Esthetician
Age: 34
Residence: Charlotte, NC

You Remember Her: As the stripper esthetician with a heart of gold. She also loves making scrap books. Blakely’s boobs and will to win (read: age) will attempt to take her far but just like her flamenco skills, will fall flat.

Sarah Newlon

 From: The Bachelor Season 11, Brad Womack
Occupation: Bar Manager
Age: 28
Residence: St. Louis, MO

You Remember Her: No you don’t.

Jamie Otis

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Registered Nurse
Age: 25
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As the sweet mom and nurse who you were rooting for but knew had no change. Let’s hope little momma can win some money (you know how well people do when it’s for the kids).

Jaclyn Swartz

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Account Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Newton, MA

You Remember Her: As the girl with the big (sassy) mouth and the even bigger nose. This spitfire will do well (or horribly – who knows) on BP.

Erica Rose

From: The Bachelor Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese
Occupation: Law Student
Age: 29
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Her: She’s BACK! From Bachelor Pad 2 and her futile attempts to ruin Vienna. Erica will now be a veteran and will be ready to play the game in hopes of furthering her 15 minutes of fame.

Rachel Trueheart

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Age: 27
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As being my favorite during Ben’s season and for taking down Blakely in the 2-on-1 date. She’ll charm everyone with her cuteness and will no doubt, rock the best clothes.

Ryan Hoag

From: The Bachelorette Season 4, DeAnna Pappas
Occupation: High School Dean/Former NFL Player
Age: 32
Residence: Minneapolis, MN

You Remember Him From: You may remember him but I have no idea who he is.

From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Realtor
Age: 33
Residence: Philadelphia, PA

You Remember Him From: Once again, I got nothing.

Kalon McMahon

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Luxury Brand Consultant
Age: 27
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Him: As that huge douche bag that just got kicked off Emily’s season for insulting her daughter. Likely this season’s Kasey Kahl – you’ll want to jump through your TV and punch him in his over sized lips for saying stupid stuff and wheeling around his Louis Vuitton luggage.

Nick Peterson

From: The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Herbert
Occupation: Trainer
Age: 27
Residence: Tampa, FL

You Remember Him: As one of the semi-normal guys on Ashley’s season. His flowing locks, winning smile and lack of serious drama leads me to believe he’ll team up with my totes fave Rachel.

Tony Pieper

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Lumber Trader
Age: 30
Residence: Portland, OR

You Remember Him: As the guy with the Kermit-voice that couldn’t bare to be away from his little guy (you know the Batman to his Robin) to kick it with Emily. I see him teaming up with the mama RN Jamie for a parental double whammy.

Michael Stagliano

 From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris, Bachelor Pad 2
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Age: 27
Residence: Sherman Oaks, CA

You Remember Him: As the guy that already won this show. What the What? Why is Stag getting to come back. Consider me not happy for the return of sweater vests, crying and man capri’s.

Ed Swiderski

From: The Bachelorette Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Technology Consultant
Age: 33
Residence: Chicago, IL

You Remember Him: As the douche that Jillian picked, only to find out that he was whoring himself out all over Chicago while the show aired. He will likely win since he seems a little skeezy. I anticipate a partnership with Erica Rose.

The rest of the cast is made up of fans joining the show for their chance at Bachelor fame and love (haha yeah right). You can see the full list here.

Can’t wait for the premier!

Until then… stay tuned!

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