Last week on Bachelor Pad, things went dark right before they sent Jake packing. Would it be a surprise twist? Would he go nutso and attack Kasey? Would he be staying in a tie vote? Lots of conspiracy theories led up to a big giant disappointment. I’m especially upset with my boy Chris Harrison who swore it would be epic in his Entertainment Weekly blog post. Chris, just like everyone else on these shows, you lied. Should have seen it coming but I didn’t expect it from you.
So anyways, we’re back and Kasey of course, leads off with another threat (not a promise) “I swear if he says anything to me, I’m going to punch him in the mouth.” Nope that’s another lie. Jake does indeed say something and Kasey doesn’t throw a single punch but he does tell him to go “kick rocks.” Burn.
"What am I doing with my life?" CH ponders as he prepares to kick off the kissing contest. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Jake tells everyone they “had the chance to do something really special” which is weird and then does an awkward bow to Vienna while leaving everyone with the least cryptic message possible, “Vote off Kasey and Vienna.” Okay maybe not that obvious, but you get the point.
Side note: Did anyone else hear Michelle Money tell Kasey, “I love you” when she gave him the rose? C’mon Michelle, you’re better than that.
Kasey celebrates by telling us all that the “devil’s gone” thus continuing his string of consecutive episodes with over-exaggerations and false promises. Yup friends, this is the mastermind of “best straTEEgist” in the game (seriously can he not pronounce any word correctly? how much saliva is blocking him from properly saying words?).
All in all a major disappointment on that hanging chad of an episode. Oh well, luckily for all of us, Melissa will bring enough SE for three seasons in this single episode.
Post Rose Ceremony, Vienna thanks everyone for kicking Jake off for her. It’s always about this one isn’t it? Thankfully our chief litigator, Erica Rose (starring in Torts & Tiaras this fall on Oxygen), is there to root out the truth. She’s on to Kasey and Vienna and vows to bring them down. If only I thought she was capable of such conniving.
After a quick montage showing us that we better be prepared for a lot more annoying Michael & Holly drama, we’re back at the pad for…
The Challenge – Pucker Up… If you dare.
Chris Harrison is on the scene and thankfully, finally picked up his dry cleaning – no longer needing to rely on Brad’s Goodwill pile for his latest stylings.
The camera pans past William and Drew exclaims out loud, “Wait William’s still on here?” Yup, it’s shocking to us all hun. But enough of that, we’ve got a challenge to get to. A very special challenge …
The Kissing Contest!
Instead of being full of excitement and anticipation, the house tries to conjure up a bunch of false morals (I’m looking at you Michelle Money) and immediately a hand full of people are all like “No, I can’t do it. That’s gross.” Um, HELLO!! You all are on BACHELOR PAD! Do I need to remind you that it’s a reality TV show where they encourage you to hook up and then stab your friends in the back for money? Yeah, you’re on THAT show.
Bitch Please. I'm for sure the best kisser. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Ugh, sorry for the rant but last season the BP gang were all over this challenge. They loved it. Natalie almost jumped out of her cropped top for this challenge. So to see this group just totally dismiss it, I was hit with a couple of emotions. Really I wasn’t mad, just disappointed.
Thankfully, someone reminded these idiots that they are on Bachelor Pad and, with the exception of Michelle (who must have one real moral, yeah just one), the gang decide to give this whole kissing thing a go.
Blake who couldn’t be more cheesy if he tried throws in the expected Charlie Brown “the doctor is in” reference and we’re off!
Holly (who I’ve also decided resembles a muppet) gets the first set of smooches. A romantic moment is coming since ABC cues up track 5 from the “On the Wings of Love Greatest Hits collection.” This means Michael and Holly will share a manufactured, forced romantic moment. Very similar to their entire relationship except without track 5 always playing in the background. While the rest of the guys respectfully plant a peck kiss on Holly, Blake goes in for the kill (it killed my insides having to watch it). this kiss lasted so long I had time to go to the kitchen, get water and a snack and be back in time to catch the last five seconds.
I settled back in just to see Melissa begin to unravel. Melissa, who is so mentally unhinged at this point that I wouldn’t want to stand within double arms distance of her, believes that Blake’s efforts in the kissing contest are just for her. That smooch wasn’t a way to win a slutty contest but rather the way to her heart.
And just in case you didn’t already hate Vienna, she steps up to bat with a warning for the fellas, “Don’t be sticking ya’lls tongues in my mouth.” Duly noted Vienna. (Note to self – Remember to eat a very light dinner before BP until Vienna is voted off.) Does anyone else think Vienna is channeling Britney Spears from her trucker hat, cut-offs, eye-liner, early K-Fed days?
On to the ladies. Michelle Money decides to sit this one out since she has a daughter and “morals.” I’m not sure that people on this show should talk about morals but moving on. Ella, who also has a child but is here for the money honey, puckers up and is ready to get her make-out on.
She gives us a very in-depth description of why she’s a great kisser while I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. We did get two great pieces of information in this challenge though. 1. It’s 100% confirmed that Erica’s lips are “maintain[ed] with injections every six months.” 2. As we all predicted, Kasey Kahl has bad breath. I predict it smells like farts and dust (Too gross? Sorry).
I’m sure you all want me to talk about Holly & Micheal’s “magical” kiss. But I’m not going to. I’m tired of these two.
Kasey + Melissa = Vomit. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
All in all, this open mouth kissing marathon made me a little nauseous after dinner but I like that they’re letting their slutty side shine. Now for the winners… as the editing predicted Blake & Ella are the winners.
Their superlative in the Bachelor Pad yearbook is now officially “Best Kisser.” (Oo, I may have to do an entirely separate post breaking down superlatives for the entire cast. Woo Hoo)
Blake winning the challenge opens up the flood gates of crazy for Melissa. Watch out Blake because this girl is unrelenting (just ask the camera men who have been chasing her ass around the house).
Melissa is BEAMING. She’s still got those glossed-over crazy eyes but for about a split-second she looks happy. Like she’s finally going to get it. And by it I mean “it” with Blake in the fantasy suite.
The Sweetest Thing
So the date card (of course Melissa rushes to the door, thinking it’s for her and Blake) comes and it’s Ella’s turn to take one guy out on a date (thank god it’s not a group date). She picks Kirk which makes me happy since these two are the only ones who seems slightly normal as well as deserving of the money.
They head off in a fancy red Ferrari because ABC likes for these people to have the finest things in life for fleeting moments so that when they head back to their normal life they are utterly depressed, thus forcing them to come back and participate in things like Bachelor Pad and slutty reunion meet-ups. “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to ride in a helicopter again!”
Ella takes the wheel and they take the one mile drive to the other mansion ABC owns for these shows. You remember this little lodge/house. It’s where Bentley made us all cry by using the phrase “dot dot dot” and then Ashley hid her sorrows in that purple comforter. Remember?
Back at the pad Melissa is NUTS. It’s like she’s having a psychotic break on speed. She is out of control. Her insanity is giving ME hives and I cover my eyes and create a shield with the blanket, hoping her crazy doesn’t seep out of the TV and infect us all.
And just in case you were on the fence about her craziness, ABC cues up the kooky music which just further confirms the madness. I’m paying close attention to the music, hoping it doesn’t turn to the scary track cause that means she is for sure killing Blake and/or Holly.
After following Blake around and acting super desperate, Blake finally drops the bomb on Melissa – he may not be taking her on the date. Oh hell. You can see the anxiety and crazy swirling around inside her, just waiting to explode out her eyes in tears of desperation. Just when I think I can’t take watching this anymore we’re…
Back on the date. Yikes that was rough. So back with Kirk and Ella and things are cute and sweet and nice. Kirk tells Ella about his college house from hell sickness and Ella tops his sickness by telling him that her step-dad murdered her Mom in front of her and her little sister.
These two are precious. I heart them and I heart them even more together. I’ll even forgive Kirk’s odd outfits and Ella’s graphic tees. They are sweet and I hope they win the money. And if they get a little make-out in between, well good for them.
This moment is ruined by going…
Back to the Casa del Crazy. In an attempt to escape Melissa’s madness, Blake accepts a sensual massage from Erica. They head off to a secluded lounger where Erica mounts him and holds him hostage with her bazooka joe’s until he agrees to be her partner. After releasing him from the suffocating pressure of her boobs, Blake considers Erica’s offer while sharing a romantic arm stroke. To sweeten the pot for partnership, Erica tells Blake “If you brought me [on the date], I would do whatever you wanted. 100%” Blake tells her she makes a great argument which Erica naturally attributes to her being in law school (Will you accept this verdict?). Get me out. of. here.
Kirk and Ella’s night of romance ends with a hot air balloon ride in the backyard. “This is the first time I’ve ever had a hot air balloon set up in my backyard.” says Kirk. Really? That’s so shocking. You don’t drive Ferrari’s, ride in hot air balloons and take helicopters every where you go? Peasant.
This little love fest ends with a kiss shared in a cramped space with a camera man and the hot air balloon operate awkwardly looking on. Romance at its finest.
So the date card comes and Blake must choose who will enjoy the “slippery slopes” with Blake (and no, that is not a sexual metaphor). This causes Melissa to uncontrollably spit out (and then take back quickly) “We could be going sk……” (True confession – we watched that part like 5 times, I thought it was hilarious. Poor Melissa is so desperate for Blake’s affection that it is comical.)
Yeah, you're right. It is great having two boys fight over you. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
After spewing out some pure bullshit, Blake lays a shocker on everyone (okay, no one) and picks Holly. She accepts and Melissa is PISSED. “This is f**ked up” she says, making everyone uncomfortable and a little scared for their safety.
Let the madness begin. She begins huffing through the house in her bedazzled PJ’s (seriously, is she too distraught to get dressed? She is always in her pajama’s) and some house shoes she borrowed from Snooki.
Michelle Money comes on to describe this situation perfectly, “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves but Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day…. Including her hair tie. And her panties…. All of it.” Just when I thought I wasn’t on Team Michelle Money anymore, she comes back and steals my heart with that line.
As the crazy boils inside her, Melissa plots Blake's demise. (Photo from Buddytv.com)
Her craziness knows no bounds and honestly, I am tired of talking about it. (But did you all see her stirring that yogurt to death? Someone save that Dannon.) I will leave you with my favorite Melissa line of the night. “He pinky swore. So I did my hair and my nails.”
Okay never mind, there’s one more, “I think you all should disqualify him for being a douchebag.” She says to the producers. “Aw honey” they respond, “If that was ground for disqualification, none of you would be here.”
To end this live segment from the looney bin, Melissa confronts Blake who is taking care of his dental hygiene for the evening. He promises to talk to her once he’s done brushing. And she waits. And waits. And waits, until Bachelor Pad cuts to commercial accompanied by the sweet sounds of his power brusher. Well played Bachelor Pad.
Going Down The Slippery Slope
I found this date predictable and boring which also sums up my feelings about Blake and Holly. To be quite honest, I am getting tired of Holly. While I could watch Melissa act crazy for days, watching Holly cry about having too many boys like her is annoying… and boring.
So here’s my quick recap.
Limo. Flirting. Drinking. Private Plane. Flirting. Drinking. Flying. Skiing. Flirting. Drinking. Falling. Falling. Laughing. Falling. Fireside Picnic. Flirting. Confessing. Drinking. Overnight Suite. Drinking. Flirting. Kissing. Lights off. Giggling.
Blech. (photos from Buddytv.com)
Really, that’s all you need to know. That and that Holly turned her ear muff into a hipster headband.
Back at the pad: I an provide a similar recap to what was going on.
Michael. Pouting. Staring. Lonely. Crying. Melissa. Crazy. Crying. Annoying. Micheal. Sad. Sulking. All-nighter pulling. Pouting. Waxing Poetic. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
As Holly and Blake waltz back into the mansion, I can’t help but think that Holly is playing everyone here. She seems all ditzy and flirty and nice but what if she really is just playing this game like a pro? Nah, that’s giving her too much credit.
When Holly gets back, Micheal literally RUNS to her. Desperate much? She was gone for ONE day. He and Melissa both are a little unhinged. No wonder Blake and Holly want to get away from them.
Michael wraps Holly up in hugs of love and begs her to love him back. She is kinda on the fence about the whole thing and keeps stringing him along. Blah blah blah until Holly tells Michael she kissed Blake. He gets all pissed and I am thankfully we finally get to stop watching this.
After finding out who the cast of Dancing with the Stars will be (Chas Bono, Ron Artest, David Arquette, Kirstin Cavillari, Hope Solo and some other peeps) it’s on to the Rose Ceremony.
When is this going home? (photo from Buddytv.com)
CH appears on the scene ready to break the tension with his trademark combo os skinny ties, a case of champagne and a little attitude. We learn there will be no twists – just one man and one lady going home.
Instead of a booze-filled night of whispers, we get an all-out crazy fest. With people (and by people I mean Kasey and Melissa) running around trying to “save” themselves.
At first it appears the group is going to get rid of Vienna and Kasey (Woo HOO!!! Sweet hallelujah!) but then Kasey starts assaulting people with his Miami Vice suit and annoying pleas.
Just know “this money is necessary for my grandma to live.” A scheming Kasey tells a gaggle of mindless followers. Ugh. It appears the king of all douches will live to play another day. Woof. Poor William.
All the while, Melissa is carrying around her blanket of crazy, begging everyone to “swear they won’t vote her off.” It gets so bad that, at one point, as Melissa runs up to a group, Graham begs to keep her crazy ass away from him.
Everyone lies straight to her face, saying they are voting Erica off. Melissa seems to buy it for a little bit before realizing her fate is sealed. She will be taking the limo straight to the mental ward.
The twins (Blake and Kirk), Ella and Holly are safe.
Graham, Michelle (why was she crying?), Erica and Michael are safe. We’re down to the final four.
In the end, predictably William and Melissa go home.
William gets in the limo with dignity (I know, I didn’t know he had that in him) but breaks down a little once protected by the walls of the limo. Poor guy just couldn’t hang with all the backstabbing and scheming. Maybe he should have worked in some muppet impersonations. That would have definitely
entertained me helped.
Well Melissa, you really showed us that you're normal and fun and cool, right? (Photo from Buddytv.com)
Then it’s Melissa’s last hurrah! She tries to hold it together but in the limo she does the worst thing to ever be seen on television. She holds in her tears thus turning her face into a monster mash of lunacy. It is embarrassing and beyond awkward. Guess love just wasn’t in the cards for ole girl. I’m sad to see her go.
So that was Bachelor Pad. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with this episode. Too much crazy clouded this recap. Hopefully we’ll get some better SE next week.
No more challenge, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be recapping this week. Gotta find another show. Suggestions?
Until next time… stay tuned.