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“I’m The Bachelor, this is absolutely nuts.” The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 1 Recap

First off, it feels good to be back.

Second, I just finished watching the premier and I can’t help but be filled with a little bit of giddy joy. Somewhat similar to the first day of school. You know, if school was full of slutty, insecure, crazy girls. Oh wait, it was! Hooray school is back in session.

No but really, I think I’ve been away so long that I rather than being consumed with constant secondary embarrassment, I genuinely embraced it every time it showed its awkward face on my television set.

Gah I missed this. (Admit it, you did too.)

So this season marks our boy Sean’s second chance at big boobie grabbing true love. After a quick preview of one girl’s pursuit of madness (I’m watching you Tierra), it’s time to get down to business. And by business, I mean video footage of Sean with his shirt off. It appears that since the last time we saw Sean, he’s been working on his pecks, improving his babysitting skills and hoarding v-neck tees. You know, standard post break-up stuff.

Side note: There needs to be an addition to this season’s drinking game: take a drink every time Sean takes his shirt off. Take a shot every time he is shown working on his fitness, shirtless obviously.

I’m BAAACCK! Image: Buddy TV

While Sean’s been crying puppy dog tears and trying to deal with his new found fame, we discover his dad has been picking up Brad’s plaid me downs at Goodwill. I mean,  if anyone knows about Brad’s sloppy seconds it’s the Lowe family.

Side note part deux: When is Emily going to come back (again) as The Bachelorette? #runitback
Hey Robert Mills – make it happen. 

We end with one of the more ridiculous camera shots this show has ever filmed: Sean sulking on a beach while a couple celebrates their beach wedding in the distance. Brilliant. Bloody brilliant.

Enough of beach bum Sean, it’s time to move on with things. And who better to help Sean move on but Arie. Nothing like having a former reality show nemesis bro over for some brewskis before heading out on the hunt for love.

p.s. – did you all see Sean cutting up some strawberries to feed to his favorite man candy Arie? So sweet.

These guys can totally relate to one another because of course, “we both fell in love with the same girl and we both got our hearts broken by the same girl” and we both love v-necks. Brother from another mother. Totes.

The bros move from the kitchen to the patio where it’s time for some words of wisdom from good ‘ol Arie. So at first, I thought this sit down was one of the biggest man love moments on the show, then it turned kind of funny and then it got kind of brotastic. Especially when Sean asked Arie from kissing tips.

Now I know there are TONS more secondary embarrassing moments ahead but I may have to say this was the worst for me. It’s well documented around here how much I HATE HATE HATED watching Arie kiss Emily. The slurping noises, the aggressive face grabbing, the visible tongue fighting to figure out what she ate at her last meal. It. was. too. much.

So having to hear Arie give his pointers was one of the more horrid moments in my viewing history. I definitely yelled out “NO NO NO!” at the TV multiple times. When Arie demonstrated his hand technique, a little piece of my soul died. And I”ll never forget that I heard this line, “You’re kissing her with your whole body.” ENOUGH.

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, my man Chris Harrison steps in and save us. Happy New Year to you too CH! How I’ve missed your face! Seriously ABC, don’t keep this guy hidden up in a house on a hill. There’s got to be some parade or pageant or game show that CH can host during hiatus.

While I’m hoping aloud for some more one-on-one time with Chris, the producers have a different idea. Apparently we have to meet the ladies or something. Lame.

“Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat. Wouldn’t you say my collection’s complete?” Image: Buddy TV

* Desiree, 26: Ray (as her friends call her) or Desi (as I will call her) is a bridal stylist. This has all the making of a downward spiral but Desi doesn’t seem so bad. A little desperate but nothing too alarming… well that was until I heard her laugh. You can’t hide a crazy laugh.

* Tierra, 24: This gal has trouble written all over her. And not just drawn on like her eyebrows. Little lady couldn’t be more excited about Sean as The Bachelor. So excited that she’s filmed jumping up and down, yelling his name, all over her hometown. “He’s family oriented and that’s what I love about him.” Yikes a million.

Robyn, 26: Nerdy Engineer that loves gymnastics. ‘Nuff said.

Diana, 30: This momma of two is a hairstylist in Salt Lake City. She’s got to be friends with Michelle Money right? Kids + SLC + Bachelor = Besties. Here’s hoping.

Sarah, 26: Blondie advertising designer with one arm. Serious question from me – How do you send the girl with one arm home? Serious question from Drew – When he proposes, does the ring go on the right hand? Okay, we are the worst. Sorry about that. No but really, I like Sarah. She seems normal. That’s what it takes to be normal on this show, one arm.

Ashley: Oh Lord. Another hairstylist. What’s the deal with hairstylists on this show? Maybe they’re just planted to make sure the girls all have the perfect beach waves on every date. Oh wowser, while I was thinking about beach waves, Ashley’s been busy showing us her cats and revealing her 50 Shades of Gray obsession. Question: “Why am I single?” Answer: “I totally hope Seans rips my clothes off and spanks me.” Where do they find these people?

Leslee, 26: This gal means business. Political consultant from down south, living in DC. Doesn’t want any stinking nerds or politicians. Next best option, The Bachelor, obviously.

Kristy: Oh no. Another model. Kill us all now. model.

AshLee: A professional organizer with a penchant for getting teary eyed. Side note, can we talk about the way her name is spelled? Change that. Change it now.

But enough of that nonsense. We’ve all watched this enough times that we don’t need to watch a ton of footage of girls {working out, dancing in their time square, acting weird & quirky for the camera, telling their sob story, playing with their kiddos} to know what this group is made up. Time to meet these gals face to face.

I’m throwing in a twist/challenge for the intros. Rather than wax on about how crazy or ridiculous each girl is, I am going to try and some each of them up in three words (maybe four at times but definitely under five). Let the madness begin…

Limo Reveals

As sounds of “he’s SO cute!” “ahhhhh!!!!” “he’s so handsome” “I love him!” dance in our heads, we all settle down for our winter recap. (Sorry that was corny, cue your own secondary embarrassment for me. I couldn’t help it.)

Limo #1

“Here let me do that for you.” Image: Buddy TV

* AshLee F: Really that spelling?

* Jackeie, 25: Little Mermaid puckers up. (I’m counting Little Mermaid as one word.)

* Selma: Hottie wipes it off. (p.s. – doesn’t she look like a latin Ashley Greene?)

* Leslie H.: Ready for prom OR big mouth & busty.

* Daniella: Is that lingerie?

Limo # 2

* Kelly: Please don’t sing.

Katie: Curly Sue, Sun-Saluting Yogi

* Ashley: I definitely won’t be the first or last person to say this about Ashley but it’s pretty dead on: 50 Shades of Crazy.

Oh You. Image: ABC

* Taryn: Doesn’t watch The Bachelor(ette/Pad)?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

* Catherine: Seems pretty normal. (BORING!)

Limo # 3

* Robyn: Yikes. Failed Flip.

* Lacey:  Emily’s lacy twin.

* Paige:  Ran it back from BP3.

* Tierra:  Drama for days. OR Gets the Rose.

Love how Sean says that he “hopes it doesn’t create any tension.” Hey bud, are you as crazy as Tierra? No wonder you “clicked” immediately. These girls are gonna hate Tierra hardcore. Just wait for it.

Gotta pop in and give a prediction on Paige. If you didn’t watch Bachelor Pad 3, here’s the low down on little Paigey-Poo. Last season they invited 4 fans to compete on BP. It seemed like a fun idea except those fools got run out of the building real quick. Quickest of all? Our girl Paige. She seemed nice, sweet and mid-to-mildly normal but don’t be confused. This gal is NUTS and BEYOND desperate to make it on the show. She won’t get all drunk and stupid and she won’t come off as a conniving bia but don’t be fooled – Paige is crazy motivated to get on the show.

Limo # 4

* Amanda: Fit Model. Boo.

Side note: It has become insanely clear that the #1 requirement on Sean’s list was big boobs. All of these girls have yittums for days. Not hating, just appreciating.  Get it how you live Sean.

“I brought this as a gift. So you will remember that even when I’m crazy, I still love football. And that makes me a winner.” Image: Buddy TV

* Didn’t catch this girl’s name: Rest of dress?

* Desiree:  Pennies from heaven.

* Sarah:  Don’t look at her arm.

* Brooke:  Cute short hair.

* Diana: Michelle Money’s BFF

Three word break-in: So much boobage.

Lesley M.: Down. Set. Spike.

Limo # 5

* Kristy: No. More. Models. OR “Best from the Midwest.” BARF.

* Leslie: Nicki Minaj? (Take away the hair and they look EXACTLY alike.)

* Italian Leslie: Threats ≠ Love

* Lindsay: WHY WHY WHY? Or as you may remember her: Crazy Bride to Be.

Really? That’s it?

Gotta expand on Lindsay in that absurd wedding dress. First off, if you’re going to wear a wedding dress, try not to get the ugliest one on the rack at David’s Bridal. That thing was fug to the max. Second, don’t try and play off your crazy as having a “sense of humor.” Um, last time I checked, having a sense of humor meant telling a joke or doing something a little silly NOT dressing up like a bride on a show where you compete to find love. C’mon Lindsay, you broke the Secondary Embarrassment Cardinal Rule on the first episode: Keep Your Crazy Under Control. Amateur.

Oh and yikes a million when she has to go inside. Did she not think about that? First,  that EVERY girl will hate her for being so ridiculous and second, that you actually have to wear that dress for the 12-hour cocktail party.

NO NO NO NO! Image: Buddy TV

But before I can continue ranting on Lindsay (and watch her make an enormous fool of herself in the house), CH is on the scene with a SUPRESA! Lord knows I love a good surprise. One of the former contestants on CH’s speed dial gave him a ring and asked to “meet” Sean. Who can it be?

Before CH can even finish the sentence I am yelling “PLEASE TELL ME IT’S SHAWNTEL!” at the screen. I lunge for the remote control and violently fast-forward (thank god for DVR, I couldn’t deal with this show AND commercials), all the while begging out loud for it to be Shawntel… again.

Oh yay! One More! Image: Buddy TV

Unfortunately for me (and let’s be real, all of you because I get down on talking about the undertaker), it’s Kacie B looking like a smoking hottie in that see-through number. Kacie knew that if she was coming back, she needed to come strong and obviously that meant showing off the girls. It’s amazing that they’ve remained so big (wink, wink) despite the fact that she’s clearly lost about 25 lbs since her season. Why so skinny Kacie B? You were already a grade A cutie and now you just look a little scary skinny. I think you need to head back to Clarksville for some of Momma’s cooking.

Also, I cannot stop staring at her boob mole. Just thought I’d let you all know.

Well, now that the gang’s all here, it’s time to start the shenanigans aka binge drinking like sorority pledges at their first mixer. Just with less guys and “that girl” times 26.

Bottoms Up!
(No not like that, you dirty mind. I meant glasses not, you know.)

This is not some original thought but it must be shared, Sean is a living (well that’s debatable. he could be a ABC created robot… how awesome would that be? okay, sorry that got weird), breathing, anatomically correct Ken doll.  And now he’s standing in a room searching for his Barbie. This is going to be an American love story at its best.

Sean is super pumped to be standing in a room full of easy women all vying for his validation, attention and love. How do I know this? Because he says that word for word in his toast. (Aw I wish!) He washes down his mix of fear and excitement with a Corona in a glass (see that lime?) and he’s off on his “amazing adventure.”

Seriously with the presents? Image: Buddy TV

Another amazing adventure is also underway, Kacie B.’s quest to avoid having her eyes scratched out by Paige and all the other super fans who think it’s “SO UNFAAAAIRRRRRR” that she’s back for a second chance. I think they’re just mad they chose to wear their prom dress while Kacie B. got real (read: slutty) in her Vegas wear.

The cocktail party is always crazypalooza and it’s hard to recap it all so here are the low lights:

* Desiree, in a sea of uncomfortably crazy laughter, manages to win Sean over with her love of wedding dress design and showing off her na-na’s. He rewards this with the SECOND ROSE of the night.

Woah woah woah little buddy. ABC didn’t set up these rules for no reason. You can’t just start giving out roses willy nilly in an attempt to avoid the threat of mob murder at the rose ceremony. This show is based on a carefully crafted set of “rules” and breaking the rules is just “NO FAAAAAIIIIIRRRRRR.”

* Sean says F your rules and starts running around like the Pied Piper, doling out roses to whatever fair maiden crosses his path. He decides to channel his inner-Oprah (don’t we all want to?) and is just skipping through the house yelling “YOU GET A ROSE! AND YOU GET A ROSE AND YOU GET A ROSE!” It’s a twist I both love and hate. Hate because he is robbing us of the mental breakdown of at least 12 women over the course of the night. Love because he is making the five mental breakdowns we do get to see THAT MUCH BETTER.

* This is Paige at the cocktail party:

Always lurking, watching, waiting, look at the baby, look at the baby.

* Every few minutes we check in with Kacie who STILL hasn’t gotten a rose. This baffles her and also takes her back to that insecure place where girls on The Bachelor live for 9 weeks.

* Within minutes, Sierra, Robyn, The Little Mermaid and something like four other girls all have roses. Paige is SO MAD! This also spurs Tierra, Desiree and some other girl who got a rose to debate on who really got the “First Impression” rose. Um, WHO CARES? Apparently Tierra cares because it seems her eyebrows have begun to move independently from her face. This frightens me and I have to take cover behind a massive pillow cushion until it ends. I’m also filled with dread since it seems we’ll be stuck with this little darling for a while.

“Is this a bomb?” Image: Buddy TV

* Nicki Minaj does not get a rose.

* The girls catch on fast to Sean’s game and have formed a single-file line that moves and follows him to each section of the patio. So whenever a boob-evaluating session conversation ends, the first girl in line physically throws herself on top of Sean forcing him into a sit down.

* About this time is when we reach the drunk as a skunk portion of the show aka the good part. Yeah, Taryn is crying but why focus on the sad crazy when you can focus on the party crazy.

* Ashley is like a gift from up above sent down to The Bachelor to entertain us with her “that girl” antics, awesomely inappropriate dance moves and obsession with S&M. Not sure where the producers found this one but if there are more, please bring them out for Bachelor Pad (OMG, I just had a revelation. Please, please, please let this gal make it to the Pad. She would be a simple slice of perfection.)
Her one-on-one should have been one of those epic SE moments where I crawl under my couch and look for lost cheerios but instead I embraced it. I think that we’ve been on hiatus for so long that I couldn’t help but soak up and enjoy every stinking second of the train wreck happening before our eyes. It was poetry in motion. And by poetry, I mean the kind scrawled on the bathroom door at a skeazy college bar. “Bless her heart,” Yoga Jane says as the rest of the country nods in agreement.

Oh and you’re welcome for that video.

* Next stop on the crazy train is Lindsay aka the Blushing (from all the booze) Bride. Can’t help but love Sean a little when he calls her out: “We may have the same morals,” Lindsay says filled with hope and desperation (which are actually the same thing on this show). “But not the same drinking tolerance,” replies Sean with calm wit of someone who’s been there before and lived to remember tell the story.

* Last but not least, we’re filled with hope (the real kind) for Sarah. It would be like The Bachelor to make one of the most normal contestants the girl with one-arm. I even don’t mind her annoying Kourtney Kardashian voice. Sarah’s all down in the dumps, sad because she hasn’t gotten a rose yet. Don’t fret little Sarah, your Ken doll is here to sweep you off your feet and present a challenge never before seen in Bachelor history: What to hold? Your drink or the rose?

(Oh and don’t get all judgy here. Likely this is not the first time you’ve read secondary embarrassment and if it is, you’ve made it this far so don’t get offended now.)

* It’s time to close down this party and get ready for the real rose ceremony but not before some helpless sap says this classic, “These are the most perfect roses ever… and they came from Sean.” WOOF.

Rose Time

In one of the least dramatic rose ceremonies of all time (gah, i missed that bachelor franchise hyperbole), Sean has already shot most of his load and now only has seven more roses to give. The girls are sharply divided and it’s hard to imagine there wasn’t some sort of pushing, shoving and name calling as they arranged into their quest for love pyramids.

And the roses go to…

* Amanda: Pretty girl. Big mouth. Woah woah woah, make that HUGE mouth. (“I see you Sean,” says Drew in one of his rare but meaningful and gross comments.)

* Leslee M: Political Football Junkie for the win.

* Kacie B.: Well that’s a relief.

* Kristy: Boo the Midwest model.

* Daniella

OMG Paige is FUMING right now.

* Taryn: You can quit crying now honey.

Final rose and it goes to…..

Fingers crossed for crazy Paige!

* Lindsay: WHAT the WHAT? Wedding dress girl? No Way! There is only one word for this: Ridonkulous. Okay maybe two: Staged.

How in the WORLD did this girl get a rose? Image: Buddy TV

The walk of shame commences, one that Paige is all too familiar with. Bummer.

But enough of those sad sacks, it’s time to toast to {love, adventures, the possibility of motor boating!} Let the adventure begin!

And no premiere episode is complete without a look ahead/cheat sheet at the season. Here’s what it looks like it will be full of: Beach, boobs, beautiful babes, more boobs, bungees, boats, bitches, {neck} braces, bitterness, being bummed and bliss.

Side note: Did anyone see that wedding dress gal gets a HELICOPTER DATE!?! I’m happy that helicopters will be making a prominent return but really, with wedding dress girl. Consider me disappointed.

Last but not least, Ashley’s exit interview may be the best five minutes of footage ever captured by an ABC camera. Give that girl her own show. Now.

Okay, so what did you all think? Are you excited for this season? I must say that I’m pretty hype. It already is better than Ben’s season (he was the WORST!) and obviously the crazy force is way stronger in these gals than the men. I’m thinking we’re in store for some fun.

Who’s your favorite? Who did you wish got kicked off? Let’s talk!

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Making the Ordinary Extraordinary. Hometown Dates on The Bachelorette. Season 7 Episode 8 Recap

Hey friends. Can you believe we FINALLY made it to hometowns? I can see the end in sight and I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta keep your head in the game and look ahead to Bachelor Pad (they’re showing the promos – it’s gotta be soon).

To get us started, I’ve decided that I will no longer recap montages/previews but I will say I am excited to see an old man make it rain.

So we  meet up with our girl Ash at her condo in Philly (I saw a lot of people giving Ash a hard time for saying Philly is her hometown but not going there last season. Simmer down peeps, I am no ASh fan but she lives in Philly and she grew up/her fam lives in that little town in Mainada that serves that weird/delicious poutin thing.) Ashley’s going through her mail (c’mon ABC ole girl is annoying but I know she had WAY more mail than that after being in Asia for like a month. I go out-of-town for a weekend and it’s like the post office bombed my mailbox.) playing with her pup all while being dressed like she’s going to a wedding rehearsal dinner.

While this is going on Ashley gives us the deets on why she likes these four dudes.

Ben: Superficially Ashley loves him. She likes his hair, his eyes, his body but yet never mentions his personality (or lack thereof) or how he feels about her. This one’s got true love written all over it.

Constantine: She likes him for all same reasons as Ben since they are essentially the same person.

Ames: He’s unique and nerdy. Oh and also humble about how much better he is than everyone. Basically, he snuck into the final four and she has no idea how he’s been here this long.

JP: Well, duh. She likes him cause he’s a smoking hottie with more of a personality than a wet blanket which is all the other guys are working with.

Ashley is now ready to get her hometowns on. So she steps outside and hails a cab. Wait, what? Clearly the producers hate her as much as we all do since they couldn’t even send a car service for her. And we’re off….

….to Cumming, GA. Yup, that’s what it’s really called. 

Constantine’s hometown name is the first of many sexual innuendos that get thrown around this episode. So get used it to.

These two love birds meet how all young lovers on this show do for hometowns with the required Running! Picking Up! Spinning! Hugging! sequence but this one has a new addition, SKIPPING! YAY!

And next these two go on the required hometown picnic date. While Consty and Ash catch up, I notice he’s still sporting a Asian bead bracelet from his trip. Since I’m paying more attention to his souvenir sporting, I definitely didn’t catch anything they were talking about. I’m guessing it was something like:

Ash: Oh my gawwd, I missed you.
Consty: Me too.
Ash: Can you believe it’s been so long?
Consty: Um, it was like a week ago.
Ash: Thank you for picking me up and twirling me. I am so surprised you can lift me.
Consty: (Confused look, different from normal sleepy confused look) You’re Welcome?

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.... (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

So this ends and it’s off to Consty’s family restaurant which surprise! is not Greek but Italian.  We get little to no explanation on this conundrum so it’s on to making a pizza of love. Ashley is super excited about all of this pizza making (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and attempts to bake Consty into her slice of love. “Put whatever you like in it” (That’s what she said.) Consty says and then Ashley feebly tries to put him in the pie. Guessing she got this idea from Shawntel’s epic hometown date last season. (What are crematorium jokes not funny?)

After a slew of food jokes (“I’m so cheesy!”) these two get down to business. Or as you may know it better, eating a meal.  They blabber on about falling in love while the girl employees gawk like teeny boppers from a near-by window. They provide great commentary like “AwWWW!” “She’s so pretty.” “They’re so cute.” and my personal favorite “OOOOOOOO! They’re kissing.”

After picking the pizza out of each others teeth with their tongues, these two head on over to Consty’s house to meet the fam. And can we all agree, Demetri, Elleni and Maria KILLED IT. They set a high standard for the rest of the hometown dates and no family could compare to their Big Fat Greek Bachelorette Dinner Episode.

No Ashley, I cannot be a pizza topping. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

I loved all of this hometown especially when Elleni got awkward and quizzed Ashley hard about whether she would be open to relocating. Basically, the little Greek mama bear was gonna put the kibosh on anyone trying to take her Consty our of Cumming (please ignore how gross that sounded).

I’m hoping Consty is the next Bachelor just because I want Demetri to get some more TV face time. His accent makes even Ashley seem fun and interesting. After a series of H-to-H’s, the rest of the Consty clan (of course his niece is named Athena. I love it.) storm through the doors with casseroles, drinks and apparently A LOT of twenty-dollar bills. Um, how come whenever I go to a family party there isn’t some fun uncle making it rain with $20 bills? I am sure I would go to a lot more family events if this happened on the regular.

Make it Rain.

This date is by far one of the best of the season (see, i can use hyperbole too!). OPA!!! to the clan Consty for turning this drabness around. Since Ash is a debbie downer though, she makes us leave before they start getting really wild and smashing plates.

We leave with Ashley and Consty swapping spit while Demetri and Elleni watch creepily from the door. End Scene.

Next Stop: Chadd’s Ford, PA. Oh Muffy! It’s time for Ames’ hometown. 

Before the required Run!Hug!Lift!Spin! sequence Ames let’s us know he’s really excited. I’m going to take his word for it since he face shows no sign of emotion or recognition.

They meet up and Ames let’s Ashely know this place “Is like home to me.” Um, yeah Ames because it IS your home.

So we pull up and Serena Van Der Ames sinks her sister claws into Ashley the minute her stripper heels hit the patio. We relive the Muay Thai boxing fiasco and Ames’ other adventures in love before we break down into one-on-ones.

Serena drags Ashley by her hair over to sit besides their in-door pool where she breaks it down. “Hurt my brother and I’ll hurt you.” Okay, so it didn’t exactly go down like that but more or less Serena is OBSESSED with her baby bro and will cause bodily harm to anyone who breaks his little Ken doll heart. And I believe her, she seems a lot bigger and a lot meaner than Ashley.

After hooking Ashley up to the lie-detector and running a brain scan analysis on her answers, Serena knows that Ashley is full of it and has no love for our boy Ames. So what does she do? She takes a page from her Gossip Girl younger self and runs over to blab to Ames, telling him how she’s not that into him and he needs to step up his game. They share some weird sexual innuendo and I am officially creeped out. I was almost officially creeped out with Ames’ awkward hand gestures but this is what really pushed me over the top.

Since Serena van der Ames stole all the spotlight on this date we hardly get to see any of Ash’s sit down with Mama Ames or Ames mama’s boy chat. We do learn about Ames losing both his dad and his step-dad and I am genuinely touched for a moment. Then I notice that Ashley is not paying any attention to what Jane Ames is saying. I’m guessing she stops paying attention when they stop talking about her. Can’t blame her, I tend to do that too. (Just kidding. Or am I?)

The awkward Ames family says their goodbyes and they duo are whisked off to a magical magnolia filled park. Ames thinks magnolia’s are the most romantic thing ever (um, haven’t we already been to all the most romantic places ever? I think we need to establish some sort of ranking for this kind of thing) which my grandma would wholeheartedly agree with.

Cheers! Wanna Party? (ABC/Ken White)

Ames let’s Ashley know that he used to go to boarding school (duh!) where he was a big nerd (shocker!) and that he didn’t have a ton of friends (really?!). Ashley pretends to act sympathetic but has no idea what to say here. The odd moment is broken up when Ames goes into his diatribe on making the “ordinary extraordinary.” According to Ames there is “magic in the ordinary.” Um, your ordinary must be a lot cooler than mine Ames cause I’m pretty sure commuting to work, working, going to the grocery store and cleaning my house aren’t filled with a lot of magic. They are filled with a lot of alcohol though, maybe that could help make everything more magical.

Ames suggests they make some ordinary magic so they kiss (after staring at each other for WAY too long) and ride off into the forest in a carriage driven by some George Washington look alikes.

Sonoma Valley, CA. Bottoms Up!  

We’re halfway through the hometown marathon and now we’re heading out west to Sonoma Valley or what 40-year-old women refer to as Heaven. I admit I’m a little excited about this one. Ben has seemed to have some personality this season and I am assuming there will be a lot of boozing in Sonoma so it should be a good time.

If you were thinking anything like me, you had to have been sorely disappointed. I am going to say this may have been the most boring hometown date I’ve ever seen. I spent the last few minutes of it online shopping for baby gear because that seemed more interesting than what I was watching (it was pretty boring too which shows how awful this date was).

Ben opens the date by saying “This is my hometown. This is where I grew up. And Ashley is here. And I’m very excited about it.” all with the enthusiasm of a wet sock.  He tries to look mildly interested for the running! jumping! twirling! meet-up but even that is half-assed.

Will this make you stop crying? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

Since there isn’t a shred of originality on this show, they go for a picnic. (Isn’t Ashley just a LITTLE tired of picnics at this point? Did these guys really do that much picnicking growing up?) The entire Ben and Ashley alone time is spent with Ashley trying to paw Ben’s clothes off while he stares awkwardly ahead, speaking exclusively  in monotone, looking like a deer in headlights. What happened to the Scooby-Doo loving stoner that we’d grown to know and not hate?

Ben tells Ashley he’s only brought one girl home before which is why, i’m guessing, he’s acting so weird. Ashley kind of freaks out and all the while I’m wishing we could go back to Cumming (Georgia that is) and hang with Consty and his fam.

Ashley and Ben taking a hair brushing break and then head over to his house to meet his mom and sister. They also speak exclusively in monotone and shockingly are way more uptight that Ames’ family. Ben’s sister manages to grill Ashley through the entire dinner before taking a break to lay down the law for her brother.

Was anyone else a little overwhelmed with these intense brother/sister relationships? Yikes. Anyway, at this point, the monotone convos were making my brain numb so I stopped paying attention.

When I looked back up Ben was crying and we finally got to leave. (For all the more sensitive viewers, I know his Dad passed away and that’s very sad but wow – that date was ROUGH!)

I thought this moment would never come…. Rosslyn, NY – Hot Skating with JP.

If I wasn’t excited enough about the date with JP, I was over the moon after that monotone date from Sonoma. JP, his hotness and his voice inflection were on hand to spin Ashley who could barely keep her hands off our hottie hipster.

Ashley doesn’t care where JP takes her as long as they’re together. For once, I am 100% behind Ashley. But JP being cute, hot and original takes Ashley on a tour of his childhood with a date to the roller rink aptly named Hot Skates.

JP and Ashley lace up and then hit the floor for couples skate. Ashley “feels like [she’s] back in 7th grade.” Except it’s better because there definitely weren’t hottie like this in Mainada.

Everything is going well until the music starts. Wait, hold up. Really? That song. I know Ashley can’t fight that feeling but that wasn’t even the original version. I got a serious case of SE but then I realized I was watching JP and it passed. After tongue kissing in the strobe lights, JP takes Ash back to meet his fam.

Hot Skates (ABC/Lou Rocco)

ps. I do need to mention the fact that Ashley asked JP how he could be single for so long which was code for “What’s wrong with you? There’s got to be something I don’t know about since you are otherwise smoking hot and really charming.”

So back at the family pad, we meet JP’s mom who belongs on the SNL skit Coffee Tawk. I love her though. We also meet JP less genetically blessed brother Roy. They also say some white-haired dude is his Dad but he is never allowed to talk so I’m not sure.

Ilene gets real and asks JP if he is in love (since she knows Ashley is in love with him, obvi). He skates (you like how I used skating again huh) around the question but I’m pretty sure he digs her.

Kirk + Zack = Perfect Early 90's Love.

This date is pretty standard family fun and then Ilene goes big – she break out his Bar MIitzah. Ah MAZ ING. Not a boy, not yet a man JP was a perfect mix of Kirk Cameron and Zack Morris. Love it. What a cutie. He definitely didn’t have the same issues as Ames in high school. This is a special message for Ilene: Thank you for bringing out that picture. We all owe you and Consty’s family for bringing your A-game to hometowns.

At the end of this date, if you weren’t convinced JP wins (yeah I consider this a game) then you should know now.

Rose Ceremony

Phew. We made it. I’m going to skip over Ashley’s babbling to Chris Harrison and get down to business.

After pulling down her long black sweater and gazing longingly at the frames, Ashley knows who’s got to go.

Roses go to:

  • Ben
  • JP

Ames looks unique with his tan suit and hand-in-the-pocket style which Drew refers to as “keeping it Ivy league.” I’m not quite sure what my husband knows about Ivy League style since we both went to the University of Kentucky, but we’ll go with it.

Consty looks confused/confident. Just the way I like him.

  • Consty for the win.

Poor Ames doesn’t know what to do so he awkwardly says bye to the dudes and wanders out with Ashley. Sitting like Forest Gump, he gives Ashley his good-bye speech before giving her a HAND SHAKE. How uncomfortable was that?  Oh Ames, bless your heart.

Before he leaves, Ames gives us one final piece of poetry, “I thought I would be sharing a life time of adventures with this woman but instead I have a lifetime of adventures by myself  – which is less enticing.”

Oh Ames, I’m sure there is a frozen faced girl out there looking for adventures with you. Maybe you can find her on the next season of The Bachelor (no, nevermind, I take that back).

So there it is. What did you all think of hometowns? What do you think about the previews for Bali?

I’ll be back on track with Love in the Wild this week.

Until then… stay tuned.

Wait, when did this happen? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

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Shut up! – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part I

After watching last night’s episode, it is taking everything I have to write this blog post. We all know The Bachelorette is big on hyperbole. I do not think it is at all an exaggeration when I say that last night was the worst episode in the history of this franchise.

If you did not attempt to pull out your hair, assault your television or curse angrily towards the screen – then I’m not sure you are a living, breathing human. I’m guessing you are a sun-powered robot produced at the same factory as Ryan. As much as it pains me to do this, let’s recap this b**ch.

Obligatory Bentley-drama montage. I’ve recapped this montage I think 5 times now. I cannot bear to do it again. Although, if I didn’t mention that ridiculously cheesy shot of Ashley frozen on the streets on Hong Kong with the crowd moving in fast-forward behind her, I wouldn’t be doing my part in making fun of this show. Seriously, what the f was that? I’m thinking that the producers were so mind-numbingly bored while editing that they just threw this in there to give them something to do.

All the introspective Ashley shots involve her saying the words “dot dot dot” as many times as possible as I repeatedly bang my head against the wall, mumbling incoherently, praying for the punctuation discussions to end. Little did I know, I would never escape the “dot dot dot.” In a moment of sheer brilliance, Ashley explains to the viewing audience that a “dot dot dot” usually means “to be continued.” This is just in case you skipped 6th grade language arts and weren’t sure what ellipses meant.

Thankfully that ends and we’re at the hotel in Hong Kong when Chris Harrison stops by to see Ashley. He tries to hide his annoyance and hatred (At this point, I think Chris may hate Ashley more than all of us, which is seriously saying something) of Ashley while letting her know  that the King of the Douches is here. IN. THIS. HOTEL.

“SHUT UP!!!” Ashley says like a valley girl who just found out her best friend made out with her boy-friend at the prom after party. Or Like Regina George in this, one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time (yes, this season is so bad I have to add awesome movie clips to make writing a post bearable), except that Regina George is not retarded (her words not mine) like Ashley.

She yells this repeatedly and Chris is like “Chill the F out and stop telling me to shut up. I run this show.” He basically breaks it down that they flew el Jerko from Salt Lake all the way to Hong Kong so she can finally get over him and hopefully (fingers crossed!) stop mentioning in every one-on-one interview.

CH scribba scrabbas the number on a napkin and tells Ashley to handle her shit or he will. Then he is gone, like a thief in the night. Rather than playing some blatantly racist Chinese music, ABC leaves us with some artistic white noise so we can clear our heads before heading to commercial.

During this commercial break, Drew’s nice guy facade crumbles and he admits out loud that he “really doesn’t like Ashley” and that it was a horrible decision to pick her. Now it is official. Even nice people hate her and wish she wasn’t the Bachelorette. I am guessing if Michelle Money had been our girl, we would be LOVING this season.

So we’re back and Ashley heads down to Bentley’s room and then waits an eternity to knock. What the F are you waiting for? Just knock already! So Bentley and Ashley makes knock knock jokes for a minute and I consider leaping head first off my couch (i figure I’ll survive, just maybe be a little concussed like Ames).

Bentley opens the door and I immediately regret my decision to eat dinner while watching this episode. Literally, my body begins to physically reject me for watching this show. It is horrible.

This whole conversation is the epitome of Secondary Embarrassment. It’s like watching two 16-year-olds break-up. Except I imagine most 16 year-olds have a better grasp on reality than these two.

They talk in circles for about 5 minutes, mentioning every form of punctuation possible. Ashley says “dot dot dot” for the 39453509483583049583 time and Bentley decides they need to change that to a period. At this point, I yell “ENOUGH!” at my television and run out of the room to fight the urge to get physically ill.

No, I'm not on my period.

No but really, I sit and bear this awful conversation long enough to them to settle on putting a period on their relationship. With this I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. Thankfully it does, but not before Ashley acts Bentley why he came there instead of just calling. SERIOUSLY ASHLEY? How dumb are you? The free loader wanted to a free trip to Hong Kong. The frequent flier miles alone had to make it worth while.

Instead of saving any remaining shards of dignity, Ashley sits in awkward silence for a full minute before taking her loose blouse and stripper shoes back to her room.

We end knowing that Ashley got played. Hard. And despite telling America that she’s done with Bentley we all know that she’s not since she mentions him another 235983404953095 times this episode.

Date Time – Big Tex and Ashley in Downtown Hong Kong
Ames grabs the date card and despite his multiple Ivy league degrees, he still reads aloud like a 3rd grader with a stammer. He finally spits out that Lucas will be getting to spend some QT with Ashley.

Ryan is pissed (which is hard to tell when he is still smiling scarily) that Big Tex stole his one-on-one date but then he sees the sun and is over it.

It’s date time and Ashley has, once again, found a loose blouse, some tight pants and stripper shoes to wear to wander, once again, a market. Markets cannot be the only tourist attraction in Asia. Can’t they do ANYTHING ELSE? Does Hong Kong not have any helicopters? I know they have sky scrapers to rappel off of. The lack of originality makes me think the producers have thrown in the towel on this season too.

Ashley asks Big Tex if it feels like they’re in New York. Um, nope Ashley. There are about a million Chinese people around me and everything is written in an entirely different alphabet. So no. She follows up that gem of a question with the captain obvious comment, “Look at the street market, people are selling things.” Yup Ashley, that’s usually what happens at a street market.

Boring Boring Boring. Then it’s on to dinner but not before Ashley tells us she hasn’t thought about Bentley at all. Really? Then why are you still talking about him? Ugh.

Lucas tells Ashley she’s not the kind of girl he would normally date (score one for honesty) and that the hardest thing he’s been through is the Big D and he don’t mean Dallas.

Back at the ranch, the dudes fight about who will get the one-on-one date and Ames steps up to wear the required plaid shirt. I think that if someone isn’t wearing plaid at all times on this show that the Earth will tilt off its axis or something that could lead to a nuclear winter.

Date card comes and Ben F. grabs it and reads like an adult that Ryan, Mickey, he and his twin, Ames and Blake will be going on the group date where they will get their hearts racing. Blake is pissed that JP gets the one-on-one because his hotness is “definitely a front-runner.” Well yeah, have you seen the guy?

Back on the pirate ship, Ashley gives a lame attempt at suspense but hands the rose over while confirming her insecurity by thanking him for accepting it. The date ends with some open-mouth kissing, some dancing to the music of their hearts, some more slobbery, wet, horribly embarrassing kisses and more hyperbole – “This was the most romantic night of my life.”

End Scene.

I’m going to take a break here but I’ll be back later with more on the twins racing debut, Ashley’s love of crop tops  and sweet, sweet JP.

Until then…stay tuned!

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the new jersey re-cap (you know you want it.)

Hey friends, so while I’ve been focused on the upcoming rapture and weird You Tube videos, many of you (and by many, i mean like 6 people. Okay even that’s an exaggeration, maybe 3) have  been asking for a Real Housewives of New Jersey re-cap. 

Unfortunately for us all, I still haven’t had time to sit down with some popcorn, cue up the DVR and settle in for a nice evening filled with the adult version of The Jersey Shore. But I care about the readers so I begged my friend Jodie (you may remember her from her previous guest post on Brittany from The Bachelor, check it out here)  to help us out with her own recap. 

I promise to get back on the Real Housewives bandwagon and get some posts going. I must say, I am partial to the ladies from New York (guess it’s all that big city livin’) so I will try to catch a marathon this weekend and get to posting. 

Until then, we have the fabulous Jodie to thank for the scoop on the first trip back to the Mansions of Jersey. Enjoy! 

They're Back! (BravoTV/BuddyTV)

Finally, it’s back. The real housewives to end all real housewives. That’s right-Real Housewives of New Jersey (RHONJ) is back and it definitely DID NOT disappoint! This season, we have two newcomers. They are not just any Jersey women, who wear inappropriate outfits to christenings and break out into fights daily–they are actually Theresa’s relatives. And they know what’s up. No shrinking violets here. These girls are here and ready to flip some tables. The newcomers are Melissa, Theresa’s sister-in-law and Kathy, Theresa’s cousin. And boy, do they both hate Theresa.

The new season started out with a bang—with what else—an actual brawl at Theresa’s nephew’s christening (why not? That doesn’t happen in your family?!). Those clever producers over at bravo really showed their skills by showing part of the brawl, then flashing back to a week early so we could get the back story…before then ultimately ended up back at the brawl (that’s tv-making MAGIC there).
Before we get to the SE that erupted in the Catholic ceremony that episode, I want to touch on Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley and how much SE I have every time she is on that show. The girl legit can’t grow up and will never realize the world doesn’t revolve around her. AND, in my pal Danielle’s (the writer of this blog, not the crazy, botox-faced Danielle from RHONJ) famous words she also doesn’t understand that …crying doesn’t solve anything.

This episode Ashley’s mom visits her at work at a PR firm in New York City (how did she get this job? C’mon really?). She meets her boss, who expresses to Jacqueline that Ashley is great, but she should get to work on time, and she needs to come every day. A commute is not an excuse to skip work. Seriously?! Jacqueline kindly scolded her daughter in front of her boss—by telling her she needs to work on getting in everyday (which honestly, when the boss brought the subject up to her mom—I think that’s what she was wanting right??). Then Ashley says she wants her parents to pay for her to have a place in the city so she doesn’t have to commute anymore. She is smoking something if that’s what she thinks the real world is about. Ashley leaves the room crying. Her boss comes in to hold her while she cries, and then she makes her mom leave the room. SERIOUSLY. Because you mom won’t pay for you to live it up in New York City. She’s trying to make you a grown up. You should probably work on it.
Next…stuff with Caroline’s boys moving out. It’s about time, but seriously, I borderline love this family, so I am not going to knock them.

It's like an old(er) lady prom.

Ok. Onto the family drama. So apparently Theresa’s brother (Joey) married Melissa. The back story is, they got along at first, but now hate each other. Theresa feels after Melissa married her brother, she stopped trying to be friends and was very cold to Theresa. Melissa claims Theresa didn’t share anything in her life with them—good or bad, the past few years (I am assuming the show being one of these things?? Whether that was good or bad is up in the air. And the bankruptcy being the other? Honestly, who knows ?).

Kathy is married to the weirdest man in the world and appears to be team Melissa. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel like I am team Theresa on this one. Theresa takes the higher (I said higher, not high) road when it comes to the family drama. In all the narrations she said some shit about Melissa, but seems to be more careful of what she says. On the other side, Melissa rants on and on about how Theresa’s husband turned their father against Joey and how her parties are better than Theresa’s. Really? First of all, when it comes to the daddy issues-they are all grown men. These aren’t teenage girls that spread rumors to get someone to dump you. It all seems mildly childish. And really, if Joey wants a good relationship with his dad-go get one. I really can’t believe Theresa or her husband are the sole people preventing that. Also—if you get a chance read their Bravo blogs (Theresa’s is here and Melissa’s is here)—they are highly entertaining. Melissa obviously still is trying to be super negative and talk as much shit about Theresa as possible. Theresa, didn’t really mention it at all. To me, that’s her trying to take a positive step forward.

fugeddaboutit (sorry had to do that)

Anyway we move onto the ceremony. Melissa is wearing a dress I would have worn to Avio (editor’s note – Avio was a super awesome all-you-can drink for $10 bar that we frequented on almost every college night)on an extra special night back in 2006—so naturally that is the appropriate choice for her son’s baptism. Theresa came late to the christening because her husband had the runs (true story) and didn’t go to the ceremony. All in all though, she seemed to be involved and generally happy. She congratulated the couple twice. But the second time was too much—her brother was drunk, was upset that she said congrats at the reception and called her garbage. Then Theresa’s husband said something to her brother after she left, and Joey went freaking nuts. Watching these two fight WAS HILARIOUS, because they both have MAJOR Napoleon complexes. They are both probably 5’2” and about that wide around. Nuggets if I’d ever seen one. If either of them got into a fight with a guy of normal stature, they’d be out for the count. This fight was actually made for them! In the end, it was super embarrassing and more chaotic than the fight between Theresa, Ashley, Jacqueline and Danielle Staub from last season (can you believe it?!). I mean for goodness sake, this was a baptism. I mean, I’m Italian, but I’m glad the Cagnetti’s have never gone that far off the deep end. Also, how sad was their dad? He was like about to die after the fight!

(Bravotv.com)

The scenes for the upcoming season look as juicy as ever. It appears the whole cast (including feuding families) go on a Caribbean trip of some sort. And guess what….they get into some huge fights! CAN’T WAIT. Until next week…I suppose I’ll have to fill up the time with RHONY and RHOOC, and of course, my fave, watch what happens live! With Andy Cohen (isn’t he THE BEST?).

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