Last night was the conclusion of a long season of The Bachelorette. There were highs and mostly lows, there was crying, laughing, hating and lots and lots of kissing. But in the end, it came down to two guys and a gal and their quest for love. So let’s recap it shall we.
We start by learning that for the first time this season (and possibly her entire life) Ashley is “soooo confident” in her feelings for these two guys and she knows 100% for a fact that she will be getting engaged in the South Pacific. As much as I want to tell her to not get her hopes up, I know it’s true so I let it slide.
Just like all the other perfect for love places they’ve gone on this trip, Fiji is no different. Ash says it is “the perfect place to end my love story.” Wait, so that’s what we’ve been watching? A Love Story? Had me fooled girl. I thought we were watching you insecurely stumble on your way to finding a husband. Details.
Just to remind us, Ashley gives us a feelings recap:
Ben: Unique (uh-oh, he just got the Ames unique curse) funny and she feels comfortable with him. Sounds like the friend zone to me.
Ashley says this is the “most intense decision I’ve had to make in my life” (oh the hyperbole) but we all know we could have called it a wrap there and just gone straight to the proposal but instead we are off to hang out with the familia. I suggest you take a deep breath and prepare for the evil monster that is Ashley’s sister, Chrystie.
Quick intro. Ashley’s family consist of her precious step-dad Mike, her cute as a button mom Lori, her mellow (knock-off version of Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries) brother Elliott and her evil, awful, mean, bossy and general nasty sister Chrystie.
Family Date Numero Uno: JP
For her first family date, Ashley does one of her standard fits – booty shorts, a too-big blouse-y top (that make cause an accidental nip slip. whoopsie!) and stripper shoes. JP, who is usually saved for last (since he’s the best), goes first this time.
Chrystie, who decided to forego the beachwear and sandals rather opting for a back romper and nude pumps (really girl, you’re in Fiji?) decides that it’s time for her to step into the network reality tv spotlight. No more languishing on cable cutting coupons (Chrystie has been featured on TLC’s Extreme Couponing in case you didn’t know), she’s ready for her close-up (ugh, I’m not though).
While the family share a nice, causal meal Chrystie ups the ante and starts playing 20 Questions: Rude Bitch edition. The key to finding out if Ashley and JP are a fit is one important question: Does he make you laugh? Ashley doesn’t give a resounding yes and JP is toast in Chrystie’s book.
When they break for girl talk, Sister Sledge drops the bomb, ” I don’t think he’s right for you.” “You’re too MUCH for him.” and the final blast “He’s too old for you.”
Brad was like 42, JP is 34. And how is she too much for him? I mean she is a giant ball of energy but I’m pretty sure he can keep up, he’s not 90 after all.
Chrystie continues by bashing JP, Ashley and everything else. Basically, she acts like a Grade A Bitch and is about as supportive as a delinquent dad. (didn’t they have one of those?). I thought Ames’ sister tried to steal the show but she had nothing on this fake Amy Winehouse (too soon?) with fake Chanel earrings. The berating doesn’t end despite Ashley’s painfully embarrassing chest sobs and hiccup cries (Just writing about those gives me the SE goosebumps).
No wonder this poor girl is so insecure. She has about the meanest, most abusive big sister I’ve ever seen. She puts the mean girls on “Say Yes to the Dress” to shame.
All her talk of looking out for Ashley and logistics and saving Ashley from her self make me want to throw her into the ocean. Thankfully, we cut to step-dad Mike who is about the nicest looking man I’ve ever seen. At least Ashley has one supportive person in her family.
This brief reprieve is interrupted when we cut to Chrystie’s beat down of JP. This s**t was BRUTAL. I have never felt more uncomfortable watching two people on television in my life. I wanted JP to reach across and slap her and then tell her to “be nice.”
Chrystie aka Chris Hansen does her best investigating into how JP, a man who is so old and tired (yet smoking hot), hasn’t already settled down. S**t is spiraling out of control and gets even worse when she tells JP that Ashley and Brad seemed to have a much better connection. Yowza. While watching from the comfort of my couch, I yell all sorts of mean obscenities at the screen and encourage her strongly to take her [expletive] coupons and stuff them where the sun don’t shine.
Now we all know why Ashley is desperately seeking unattainable approval. Good luck with this one JP.
I’m kind of sick of talking about the resident mean girl. But it’s worth mentioning that Ashley and her big sis sit down for a one on one to further discuss how much she hates JP.
All we learn here is that Chrystie cannot stop talking for one single second while the camera is recording, that she has no idea how to dress for a tropical vacation and that she is even meaner than we originally thought. She also tries to prove what a rational thinker she is but I’m not convinced since she does have about 34345 tattoos and extreme coupons.
Ashley calls her a BITCH and we are through here.
Family Date Numero Dos: Ben
These crazy kid hug and make some funny noises before heading in to meet the rents. The family Hebert seems to love Ben from the get go. It’s all funny dog voices and long hair and giggling which apparently is what Ashley is all about. This pacified Chrystie who hides her evil apple for the next time she sees JP.
Despite their shared love of baby/dog voices, Chrystie still breaks out the game of questions for dinner. I honestly wish her Mom would smack her and tell her “I taught you better manners than this.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen so we have to hear Sad Sally talk about losing the passion. Since she’s been divorced, she finds it nearly impossible that two people could actually continuing enjoying each other’s company after the fun wears off (which in her defense, is what usually happens on this show).
She is getting so much camera time that I think Chrystie is auditioning for a the new ABC Bachelor spin-off – Extreme Bachloretting. This time it’s serious.
All in all, the editing is super pro-Ben which just shows that Ashley will defy her sister and pick JP.
Quickie Date # 1: The Man in the Yellow Hat Visits the Mud Baths
What the what is up with Ben’s outfit. The hat. The black and neon shorts? The overly bright top. Come on. Did he pack for the trip from his bedroom at his parent’s house?
Once again, Ben’s monotone voice hides his inner excitement and happiness. He keeps saying it, so it must be true but the lack of inflection is really confusing.
I am even further confused when he seems legitimately excited to ride in a helicopter (he must also have been wondering where they’ve been all season). As they fly across the South Pacific, I secretly wish Ames was providing expert commentary in the corner. But he’s not and he arrive at some mud bath that Ashley roughly describes as having healing powers or something.
This is the producers last-ditch attempt for Ashley to move beyond the friend zone with Ben. “Let’s have her rub mud all over his body, that might work!” It doesn’t. Ashley spends more time rubbing mud on her nips than on Ben. Ashley doesn’t get frisky and will not slip the dude any tongue but Ben is still hopeful. He tells us that he is excited for the next part of the date or what he calls the “Cream Dream.”
Ashley comes over to his bungalow sporting her best denim shorts and her favorite Forever 21 top. The outfit screams “Take Me Off!” but before that can happen, Ashley and Ben drink a little
water champagne to hydrate. the mood is set for Ben to make his move and drop the L bomb on Ash. He does and the friend zone is confirmed. The whole thing gives me terrible SE. The actual l-word, Ashley’s “thank you” eyes and her closed mouth kiss to seal the deal.
Ben is still confused though which only makes it worse. “Her walls are down. My walls are down.” Our pants are down.
He then adds, “she is telling me the only way she can that she loves me.” with sexual favors. We end with Ben bragging, “I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” Well, get it while you can pal. Soon she’ll be off the market forever.
Quickie Date #2: JP
JP and Ashley don’t need to go on elaborate dates to show their love. A simple bench and a push-up bikini top will do the trick. They use this time to talk about Dita Von Bitch and her judging.
Ashley tells him it doesn’t matter what that troll thinks and finally coaxed JP to spill the beans – that he is madly in love with her. I think she is going to tell him back but then she gives him a kiss on the cheek. BOOOO. The hottest dude on the show just told you (for some inexplicable reason) that he loves you and return the love by kissing him on the CHEEK?
After canoodling for a little, they go back to do the dirty bird in the cabin. JP seriously TRUMPS Ben when he gives Ashley a scrap-book with a picture of them and a letter describing their “journey.” She eats it up and it’s ON! I will say that the letter was pretty sweet. Super cheesy but sweet. All the ladies out there know that they wouldn’t turn down a letter like that from a guy like JP.
They get it on so Ashley can reassure JP that he is the one. Cause isn’t that what all girls do to show someone they really like them?
We find Ashley telling her journal all the juicy details of her last nights as a single gal – without makeup. Quick! Get that girl some Vaseline.
Ashley’s journey for love is recapped through a montage as she walks around the resort, looking for answers in the trees. I wish we could catch another vacationer, some old lady in tevas, ask Ashley what they’re filming but alas, that doesn’t happen.
Meanwhile, the dudes meet up with Neil Lane who helps them pick out ring. Clearly, he’s on team JP since he let’s Ben select a fugly ring. JP’s on the other hand is simple and beautiful. Just like him.
The guys suit up and Ashley shimmies into her $17,000 dress (yup, for reals. It cost that much. It’s made of peacock feathers or something.
Let’s cut to the chase.
Ben arrives and from the minute he steps off the water plane, you know it’s going to be bad. I start attempting to dig a hole in my couch to bury myself in but it’s too late. He’s there and before Ashley can say anything, he’s confessing his love.
Ben’s sweaty confidence inspires him to pour his heart out to Ashley as I cover my eyes and pray for it all to end. I’m screaming out “don’t do it. don’t do it” when he does it. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Oh it’s so awful and sad and embarrassing when she just takes his hand and makes him stand up.
That moment when he realizes she’s saying no is the worst thing ever. I get a cramp in my shoulders I feel so awkward and awful and horrible. I just want it to end.
And then it does.
Ben get’s (rightfully) pissed and cuts. Ashley tries to make him feel better but he doesn’t want any of her fake reassurance (way to tell it like it is Ben). He finally shows the emotion we’ve been waiting for when he says “JP’s a really nice guy and I’m sure you all will have a really nice life together.” Burn. Then he heads off BUT not before making one last appearance by boat. How weird was that? Ashley is just standing on shore and Ben floats on by. AwkWard. Wait where are they taking Ben? Are they just going to abandon him at sea?
Take a deep breath cause that is over. Now it’s on to the true love portion of our broadcast.
Ashley channels her inner little girl and waves at JP’s plane as it approaches. JP lands and the music starts (for a second I thought they were going to play Mariah Carey’s Dreamlover and I got HYPE!). It’s from True Love’s Greatest Hits and we know we’re in for some romance.
My Grinch heart swells a little when he proposes. I guess I have gotten a little soft but I catch myself cheesing hard as he asks her to marry him. Ashley does her most emphatic YESSSSAAA! And it’s a done deal.
All my gushing comes to a crashing halt when they cue up ” I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” Really ABC? And just like that, I am filled with SE again. Oh well.
Then it’s all puppies, unicorns, rainbows and roses as JP and Ashley frolics on the beach. Wait, someone tackle her before she gets in the water in that dress. S**t Ashley, that thing cost $17K. You cannot use it as a sarong.
And just like that, it’s over. All the excited hand-talking, the booty shorts, stripper shoes, inexplicable tops, crying, Bentley-obsessing and market shopping is over.
If you need more JP and Ashley, here they are on Jimmy Kimmel.
Bachelor Pad 2 starts in less than a week! Woo Hoo.
Until then… stay tuned!
Do you think the producers were like NO you cannot go in the water that dress cost a blue fortune.