Tag Archives: Ashley H.

August 2, 2011 · 3:00 pm

And so it ends…. The Bachelorette Season 7 Finale

Last night was the conclusion of a long season of The Bachelorette. There were highs and mostly lows, there was crying, laughing, hating and lots and lots of kissing. But in the end, it came down to two guys and a gal and their quest for love. So let’s recap it shall we.

We start by learning that for the first time this season (and possibly her entire life) Ashley is “soooo confident” in her feelings for these two guys and she knows 100% for a fact that she will be getting engaged in the South Pacific. As much as I want to tell her to not get her hopes up, I know it’s true so I let it slide.

Just like all the other perfect for love places they’ve gone on this trip, Fiji is no different. Ash says it is “the perfect place to end my love story.” Wait, so that’s what we’ve been watching? A Love Story? Had me fooled girl. I thought we were watching you insecurely stumble on your way to finding a husband. Details.

Just to remind us, Ashley gives us a feelings recap:

Ben: Unique (uh-oh, he just got the Ames unique curse) funny and she feels comfortable with him. Sounds like the friend zone to me.

JP: Passion.

Hanging with the Heberts.

Ashley says this is the “most intense decision I’ve had to make in my life” (oh the hyperbole) but we all know we could have called it a wrap there and just gone straight to the proposal but instead we are off to hang out with the familia. I suggest you take a deep breath and prepare for the evil monster that is Ashley’s sister, Chrystie.

Quick intro. Ashley’s family consist of her precious step-dad Mike, her cute as a button mom Lori, her mellow (knock-off version of Leonardo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries) brother Elliott and her evil, awful, mean, bossy and general nasty sister Chrystie.

Family Date Numero Uno: JP

For her first family date, Ashley does one of her standard fits – booty shorts, a too-big blouse-y top (that make cause an accidental nip slip. whoopsie!) and stripper shoes. JP, who is usually saved for last (since he’s the best), goes first this time.

Chrystie, who decided to forego the beachwear and sandals rather opting for a back romper and nude pumps (really girl, you’re in Fiji?) decides that it’s time for her to step into the network reality tv spotlight. No more languishing on cable cutting coupons (Chrystie has been featured on TLC’s Extreme Couponing in case you didn’t know), she’s ready for her close-up (ugh, I’m not though).

Sorry I'm not Sorry.

While the family share a nice, causal meal Chrystie ups the ante and starts playing 20 Questions: Rude Bitch edition. The key to finding out if Ashley and JP are a fit is one important question: Does he make you laugh? Ashley doesn’t give a resounding yes and JP is toast in Chrystie’s book.

When they break for girl talk, Sister Sledge drops the bomb, ” I don’t think he’s right for you.” “You’re too MUCH for him.” and the final blast  ”He’s too old for you.”

Brad was like 42, JP is 34. And how is she too much for him?  I mean she is a giant ball of energy but I’m pretty sure he can keep up, he’s not 90 after all.

Chrystie continues by bashing JP, Ashley and everything else. Basically, she acts like a Grade A Bitch and is about as supportive as a delinquent dad. (didn’t they have one of those?). I thought Ames’ sister tried to steal the show but she had nothing on this fake Amy Winehouse (too soon?) with fake Chanel earrings. The berating doesn’t end despite Ashley’s painfully embarrassing chest sobs and hiccup cries (Just writing about those gives me the SE goosebumps).

No wonder this poor girl is so insecure. She has about the meanest, most abusive big sister I’ve ever seen. She puts the mean girls on “Say Yes to the Dress” to shame.

All her talk of looking out for Ashley and logistics and saving Ashley from her self make me want to throw her into the ocean. Thankfully, we cut to step-dad Mike who is about the nicest looking man I’ve ever seen. At least Ashley has one supportive person in her family.

This brief reprieve is interrupted when we cut to Chrystie’s beat down of JP. This s**t was BRUTAL. I have never felt more uncomfortable watching two people on television in my life. I wanted JP to reach across and slap her and then tell her to “be nice.”

Chrystie aka Chris Hansen does her best investigating into how JP, a man who is so old and tired (yet smoking hot), hasn’t already settled down. S**t is spiraling out of control and gets even worse when she tells JP that Ashley and Brad seemed to have a much better connection. Yowza.  While watching from the comfort of my couch, I yell all sorts of mean obscenities at the screen and encourage her strongly to take her [expletive] coupons and stuff them where the sun don’t shine.

Now we all know why Ashley is desperately seeking unattainable approval. Good luck with this one JP.

Sister, Sister

I’m kind of sick of talking about the resident mean girl. But it’s worth mentioning that Ashley and her big sis sit down for a one on one to further discuss how much she hates JP.

I'm not babying you. I'm just telling you what TO do.

All we learn here is that Chrystie cannot stop talking for one single second while the camera is recording, that she has no idea how to dress for a tropical vacation and that she is even meaner than we originally thought. She also tries to prove what a rational thinker she is but I’m not convinced since she does have about 34345 tattoos and extreme coupons.

Ashley calls her a BITCH and we are through here.

Family Date Numero Dos: Ben

These crazy kid hug and make some funny noises before heading in to meet the rents. The family Hebert seems to love Ben from the get go. It’s all funny dog voices and long hair and giggling which apparently is what Ashley is all about. This pacified Chrystie who hides her evil apple for the next time she sees JP.

Despite their shared love of baby/dog voices, Chrystie still breaks out the game of questions for dinner. I honestly wish her Mom would smack her and tell her “I taught you better manners than this.” Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen so we have to hear Sad Sally talk about losing the passion. Since she’s been divorced, she finds it nearly impossible that two people could actually continuing enjoying each other’s company after the fun wears off (which in her defense, is what usually happens on this show).

She is getting so much camera time that I think Chrystie is auditioning for a the new ABC Bachelor spin-off – Extreme Bachloretting. This time it’s serious.

All in all, the editing is super pro-Ben which just shows that Ashley will defy her sister and pick JP.

Moving on.

Quickie Date # 1:  The Man in the Yellow Hat Visits the Mud Baths 

Can I Borrow This?

What the what is up with Ben’s outfit. The hat. The black and neon shorts? The overly bright top. Come on. Did he pack for the trip from his bedroom at his parent’s house?

Once again, Ben’s monotone voice hides his inner excitement and happiness. He keeps saying it, so it must be true but the lack of inflection is really confusing.

I am even further confused when he seems legitimately excited to ride in a helicopter (he must also have been wondering where they’ve been all season). As they fly across the South Pacific, I secretly wish Ames was providing expert commentary in the corner. But he’s not and he arrive at some mud bath that Ashley roughly describes as having healing powers or something.

This is the producers last-ditch attempt for Ashley to move beyond the friend zone with Ben. “Let’s have her rub mud all over his body, that might work!” It doesn’t. Ashley spends more time rubbing mud on her nips than on Ben. Ashley doesn’t get frisky and will not slip the dude any tongue but Ben is still hopeful. He tells us that he is excited for the next part of the date or what he calls the “Cream Dream.” 

 

Ashley comes over to his bungalow sporting her best denim shorts and her favorite Forever 21 top. The outfit screams “Take Me Off!” but  before that can happen, Ashley and Ben drink a little water champagne to hydrate. the mood is set for Ben to make his move and drop the L bomb on Ash. He does and the friend zone is confirmed. The whole thing gives me terrible SE. The actual l-word, Ashley’s “thank you” eyes and her closed mouth kiss to seal the deal.

I won't be single for much longer.

Ben is still confused though which only makes it worse. “Her walls are down. My walls are down.” Our pants are down.
He then adds, “she is telling me the only way she can that she loves me.” with sexual favors. We end with Ben bragging, “I don’t think I’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” Well, get it while you can pal. Soon she’ll be off the market forever.

Quickie Date #2: JP 

JP and Ashley don’t need to go on elaborate dates to show their love. A simple bench and a push-up bikini top will do the trick. They use this time to talk about Dita Von Bitch and her judging.
Ashley tells him it doesn’t matter what that troll thinks and finally coaxed JP to spill the beans – that he is madly in love with her. I think she is going to tell him back but then she gives him a kiss on the cheek. BOOOO. The hottest dude on the show just told you (for some inexplicable reason) that he loves you and return the love by kissing him on the CHEEK?

Do you still like me?

After canoodling for a little, they go back to do the dirty bird in the cabin. JP seriously TRUMPS Ben when he gives Ashley a scrap-book with a picture of them and a letter describing their “journey.” She eats it up and it’s ON! I will say that the letter was pretty sweet. Super cheesy but sweet. All the ladies out there know that they wouldn’t turn down a letter like that from a guy like JP.

They get it on so Ashley can reassure JP that he is the one. Cause isn’t that what all girls do to show someone they really like them?

E Day.

We find Ashley telling her journal all the juicy details of her last nights as a single gal – without makeup. Quick! Get that girl some Vaseline.

Ashley’s journey for love is recapped through a montage as she walks around the resort, looking for answers in the trees. I wish we could catch another vacationer, some old lady in tevas, ask Ashley what they’re filming but alas, that doesn’t happen.

Meanwhile, the dudes meet up with Neil Lane who helps them pick out ring. Clearly, he’s on team JP since he let’s Ben select a fugly ring. JP’s on the other hand is simple and beautiful. Just like him.

The guys suit up and Ashley shimmies into her $17,000 dress (yup, for reals. It cost that much. It’s made of peacock feathers or something.

Let’s cut to the chase.

Ben arrives and from the minute he steps off the water plane, you know it’s going to be bad. I start attempting to dig a hole in my couch to bury myself in but it’s too late. He’s there and before Ashley can say anything, he’s confessing his love.

Ben’s sweaty confidence inspires him to pour his heart out to Ashley as I cover my eyes and pray for it all to end. I’m screaming out “don’t do it. don’t do it” when he does it. He gets down on one knee and asks her to marry him. Oh it’s so awful and sad and embarrassing when she just takes his hand and makes him stand up.

No, No, No, NOOOOOOOO (ABC)

That moment when he realizes she’s saying no is the worst thing ever. I get a cramp in my shoulders I feel so awkward and awful and horrible. I just want it to end.

And then it does.

Ben get’s (rightfully) pissed and cuts. Ashley tries to make him feel better but he doesn’t want any of her fake reassurance (way to tell it like it is Ben). He finally shows the emotion we’ve been waiting for when he says “JP’s a really nice guy and I’m sure you all will have a really nice life together.” Burn. Then he heads off BUT not before making one last appearance by boat. How weird was that? Ashley is just standing on shore and Ben floats on by. AwkWard. Wait where are they taking Ben? Are they just going to abandon him at sea?

End Scene.

Take a deep breath cause that is over. Now it’s on to the true love portion of our broadcast.

Ashley channels her inner little girl and waves at JP’s plane as it approaches. JP lands and the music starts (for a second I thought they were going to play Mariah Carey’s Dreamlover and I got HYPE!). It’s from True Love’s Greatest Hits and we know we’re in for some romance.

My Grinch heart swells a little when he proposes. I guess I have gotten a little soft but I catch myself cheesing hard as he asks her to marry him. Ashley does her most emphatic YESSSSAAA! And it’s a done deal.

Open Mouth Kisses = True Love. (ABC)

All my gushing comes to a crashing halt when they cue up ” I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.” Really ABC? And just like that, I am filled with SE again. Oh well.

Then it’s all puppies, unicorns, rainbows and roses as JP and Ashley frolics on the beach. Wait, someone tackle her before she gets in the water in that dress. S**t Ashley, that thing cost $17K. You cannot use it as a sarong.

Somebody get her out of there. (ABC)

And just like that, it’s over. All the excited hand-talking, the booty shorts, stripper shoes, inexplicable tops, crying, Bentley-obsessing and market shopping is over.

HALLELUJAH!

If you need more JP and Ashley, here they are on Jimmy Kimmel.

Bachelor Pad 2 starts in less than a week! Woo Hoo.

Until then… stay tuned!

 

Do you think the producers were like NO you cannot go in the water  that dress cost a blue fortune.

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July 27, 2011 · 3:48 pm

Definitely never thought I’d Never Title a Post “Cream Dream” – Bachelorette Ben F.’s Attempt at SNL-Style Digital Glory

Yowzer. That is all I could say when a loyal reader passed this video along.

So here’s the deal. RealitySteve (who I think started blocking my comments or maybe I’m just crazy), who I have tried to mildly boycott since my writing contest snub, posted a link to this video creation that stars one of the mop-top twins.

Has Ashley Seen This?

Apparently Ben F. and an amigo wanted to channel their inner JT and Andy Samberg’s so they created the SE filled video “Cream Dream.” Ben F. sports a mustache, a wig (who would have thought this guy would ever need one of those), and some early-90′s attire while singing about his prowess with the ladies. You get the point.

Folks, this video is chock full of SE. Tons and tons of cringe-worthy moments. I appreciate their attempt at humor although, in my opinion, it comes off as a little too crass and lacks some of the overt humor of “D**k in a Box.” But hey, if your dream is to make a naughty digital short, then you go Glen Coco Ben!

WARNING: Do not watch this video with the sound on if you are at work in a cubicle or anywhere else people might hear it and be offended (aka in front of small children). This is definitely an ear-muffs (and eye-mask) video for the youngsters and those who are easily offended (which if you are one of the latter, this blog prolly isn’t for you).

For your consideration, I present Ben F. and Forgery Films video creation “Cream Dream” (you gotta click the link, couldn’t figure out who to embed this puppy).

UPDATE: It appears that Forgery Films has removed the video but I updated the link to the only site that still has the video up. I saw that wetpaint had a notice that ABC asked them to remove it from their site.

What do you all think of the video? Love it or hate it? Does it change your opinion of our boy Ben?

Challenge tonight. I’ll be back with a recap tomorrow.

ps. – Anyone out there interested in a Project Runway recap?

Until then… stay tuned!

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July 26, 2011 · 10:42 am

The one where we finally ride in a helicopter. The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 9 Recap

So can we all agree and say last night’s episode was a leeetle too drawn out. When we get to the very end of the season (hallelujah!) filling two hours can seem a little forced and when you add in the fact that it’s Ashley we’re watching, well it is forced. But alas, I stuck it out and have decided to awake at the crack of dawn to bring you the recap a little earlier. Let me know what you think of the earlier edition (1. because I heart comments 2. because I’m not sure if it will be as good without at least one cup of coffee in my system).

So we’re in Fiji – is this the same resort they go to every year? Sure looks like it. Either way, if you and your honey are looking for a Bachelorette style get away, it can be yours here. In case you weren’t aware Ashley tells us, “Fiji is a set of islands in the South Pacific.” Well thanks for the geography lesson Ash. I’m guessing Ames dropped that knowledge bomb on you and you just had to share it with all of us. Then an ocean lends a geyser like spray of water into the air which I’m guessing is the producers (and nature) letting us know that Ashley’s love will explode on this episode.

Up until this point, Ashley has made a habit of wearing tops as dresses, now we see her mixing it up and using tops as skirts. Either way, she’s not going to let a beach trip to Fiji stop her from wearing her favorite 9 inch heels. Sand shmand.

Ashley then provides us with an unnecessary recap of the final three aka the twins and JP. I pay very little attention here (since it feels like I’ve seen this montage at least 3 times already) with the exception of commenting on how much I love Consty’s family and gushing on JP’s sequence (during which I catch myself awkwardly smiling at the screen, SE much). I feel it is worth noting here that I am actually proud of Ashley for being able to keep JP around to the end. Nice work little lady.

We’re back in Fiji where Ashley, dressed in her standard Flashdance attire (really, how many off-the-shoulder tops can one girl own?), contemplatively reflects by the ocean. This moment of clarity is followed by some journaling at which point Drew pips in with his insightful comment of the show, “She really is 15.” Yes, yes she is. This comment also sets a tone for this episode during which we’re reminded far too often how much Ashley is a 15-year-old girl trapped in a 17-year-old body.

One last recap of the journey and then we’re off! Except we’re NOT! Duh Duh Duh.

What the What?

When we return from the break, the producers have gone all handheld camera on us. The music, editing and ugly flip-flops cue the arrival of the ominous swamp monster that is Ryan. So long happy sun-loving dude and hello creepy, scary, psycho axe murderer. The producers surely hate Ashley if they are allowing this creeper (who’s clearly one wrong word away from a mental break) to come back and kill her.

She invites Ryan into the villa and I yell ‘NO!’ instinctively at the TV. Doesn’t she know you never let the scary bad man inside?

This is definitely not the kind of surprise Ashley was looking for and she looks about as awkward as I feel, so I’m thinking for this short moment we may have something in common. Ry, as Ashley as now taken to calling him, strings together a creepy monologue that includes Thai chi and something about not being able to get back to his sun-sacrificing.

I am sooooo (I really hate having to add all those extra O’s but there is absolutely no other way to describe my feelings) weirded out. The desperation is making me physically ill (which is good for Drew since he gets everything I am now too sick to eat for dinner). When Ryan says “Call me crazy.” I do and then pick up my phone and make a call requesting he be taken in for evaluations. The secondary embarrassment that they’ve crammed into these few minutes is insane. This is the kind of SE that gives me anxiety and I just want it to end.

I think Ryan can sense that Ashley (and all of America) is creeped out so he let’s her know he’s made a little vacay of his trip halfway around the world and that she can find him in his room where unbeknownst to us, he will wait, alone until Ashley comes to see him. Then he’s gone and left to creep out the producers and the hotel staff. It’s raining as he leaves and I wonder if it’s symbolic.

Now back to our regularly scheduled Bachelorette.

Date #1  aka It’s about damn time we were on a yacht.

Ashley waves excitedly to Ben like the 15-year-old that she is. Despite saying that he’s really excited, it’s hard to believe when his voice sounds like he is being forced to walk the plank (yup, I just made a pirate reference. Not really sure where that came from bu I like it). I know I’ve noticed it in the last couple episodes but has he been this monotone all season? I think I must have just been distracted by his normalcy.

Ashley tells Ben they’ll be going on a boat ride and Ben asks if it’s the lame dingy tied up to the dock (which is not an odd question since they haven’t really done anything cool on dates all season). Ashley let’s Ben know that the producers have finally let her play with the big boy toys and they will be cruising in style on a yacht! I thought they had all but eliminated nice things from Ashley’s season. Looks like they were just holding back on us.

All aboard where these two act like a pair of kids. They shout “you go first” in unison, then yell “jinx”, begin giggling and then grab their kiddie cocktails from TGI Fridays.

The theme of this date is agreement. They have made a pact in advance to agree on EVERYTHING and it is exhausting. This agreement even extends to the color of their clothes. Barf. After a day of lathering each other up in sunscreen (Ashley got a little suggestive in her positioning here, not sure how I feel about it), snorkeling and canoodling, these two are spent. Honestly, I would go into more detail on their date but it’s not really necessary. Imagine letting the annoying cheerleader from 1st period sophomore year and her strange but cute boyfriend on a yacht. That is what it was like.

You missed a spot.

They both agree (I know, it’s so weird that they would agree) that today was their “best day ever” and then it’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the pre-fantasy suite portion of their date.

Ben borrows one of JP’s v-neck tees (Wait, is that thing Mesh? And a Sweater? Yikes!) and awkwardly open his arms wide for a big Ben hug. Ashley accepts because she knows that a big Ben hug is the first in a series of embraces that will occur on fantasy suite night. It is worth noting that for once, I actually like what Ashley is wearing. Please don’t judge me.

Ben is getting all mushy and his nervousness is translating to weird awkwardness at dinner. It’s even more awkward with accompanied by sad piano music.”That’s why i have this grin on my face. I’m quite happy.” He’s saying this but his face says pained sadness.Could have fooled me Ben.

He has decided that tonight is the night to tell Ash that he la,la,la loves her. But the conversation leading up to the awkward one-sided I love you (did you all know that Ashley isn’t allowed to say ‘I Love You’ back? I had no idea but Drew has known all along. I guess only one of us has been paying attention to the “rules) is making me cringe. I feel the onset of  SE goosebumps and cover my face in horror. Ben is dancing around it and I don’t want him to say it  and yet i do because I just want it to end (which is probably what you’re feeling about this blog post). It’s like waiting for a shot at the doctor’s office -  you know its going to be horrible but you also just want it to be over.

“You know, I’m on my way to, you know, the whole I love you thing.” Did he just hiccup in the middle of that? Did that count as I love you? Woof, this whole conversation is painstakingly awful.

ABC puts us out of our misery and cuts to Ashley who says “I’m hoping tonight Ben will show me how he feels.” Which translates to “I hope we get it on tonight in the fantasy suite.” We cut back to Ashley pulling out the envelope and seductively reading it (like she really needs to try that hard). Ben accepts, duh and it’s on.

Before getting down to business Ben decides that the little hiccup of an I love you was an uncontrolled outburst, not the actual phrase and that he is going to hold back the real thing. Whatever, just get out of here and into the fantasy suite.

I still can't believe you can carry me!

After a 30 second dip in the pool, Ben carries (I know, I can’t believe he can carry her either) Ashley inside to make whoopie (yup, I just said whoopie and I liked it).

Date #2 aka It’s about damn time we flew in a helicopter.

We return to the horror of Ashley’s latest ensemble. Not only does she act like a 15-year-old, she dresses like one, a loose one at that.

Behold. My bare midriff!

It’s Consty date time which thankfully, also means it’s helicopter time. I thought maybe ABC had called off all helicopter flights after their excessive use last season but it’s good to have them back. Can’t say I wasn’t disappointed that instead of a plethora of helicopter, rappelling and yacht dates, this season we got to see a lot of markets, picnics and back alleys. I had almost given up hope but there must not be any markets or back-alleys in Fiji to try to lose Ashley in.

This date is already better than the one with Ben since Consty has the ability to show emotion. One laugh and he’s set himself apart from his twin. This joy is abruptly ended end they cut to one of the more frightening moments in the history of The Bachelorette. Ryan is standing alone on the beach watching the helicopter from below. Watching, waiting, plotting. I am seriously nervous for their safety and by their, I mean JP.

Creepy.

Consty and Ash arrive at a waterfall (jeez, they saved EVERYTHING good for this one episode) which Ash says they will be jumping from. I’m thinking this is gonna be awesome until I find out they are jumping from a high-dive level ledge under the waterfall. Waah, Waaaa.

Consty takes the “leap of faith” Ashley’s been waiting for by jumping from the ledge (with his shoes on?). We know this is a serious accomplishment because it is accompanied by the serious accomplishment music.

Fun fact: Consty looked at 108 houses before buying one. First, who knew there were that many houses in Cumming, GA? Second, Consty is a picky guy, which I respect.  It’s also good that he knows people are more dynamic than houses. Well yeah, you can also sleep with people rather than in one. Okay, never mind that came out dirty. Moving on.

It’s dinner time and Consty, while not dressed to the nines, is looking better than his mesh-loving twin. Dinner starts and it’s clear – Consty doesn’t really like Ashley that much. This date is not very romantical and within moments the writing is on the wall – Consty doesn’t want to propose next week, he doesn’t want to kick it in the fantasy suite (and all that it “implies”) and last but not least he does not want another rose. He does this all in the guise of saying he respects her too much to continue moving forward but Ashley knows what this means and she starts dropping insecurity bombs left and right.

Just when he’s about to cut President Obama breaks in for some important address on the national debt crisis. Doesn’t the Prez know that Ashley’s journey to find her one true love is way more important than our credit limit and the financial health of our nation? GAH. 

I’m about to get on my soap box when I realize we are behind on our DVR and I can fast-forward through this (oh quit your judging, you just wish you could have fast-forwarded too). 

And we’re back to this nightmare of a dinner date.

Consty is dunzo and not cause Ashley is sending him home. Another dude packing his bags and telling Ashley they’re just not that into her. There have been quite a few guys who have said sayonara early this season – is this a new record? Ashley stepping up her game and running everyone off!

So Consty packs up his toiletries and heads back to Cumming (what he couldn’t stay one more night? jeez!) while Ashley sits alone at dinner and read about what could have been in the fantasy suite.

Side note: Can we talk about how they put an actual, old-fashioned key in the envelope. Is there still a hotel on this planet that uses keys like that? Especially one as nice as this. C’mon CH.

What do you think this opens?

After counting to 100, Ashley finally gets up and sulks back to the fantasy suite (Big door. Little Ashley), drowns her sorrows in champagne and covers herself in a blanket of insecurity.

When she wakes up, she has a new resolve. She will make these dudes prove they are there for her! And in the mean time, she will boost her spirits by visiting Ryan who will, literally, beg for her affection. Just the kind of pick-me-up Ash needs to get the day started.

Rendezvous with Ryan

So I know people have been telling me for a while now, but I never noticed how bow-legged Ashley really is until this walk to Ryan’s chickee hut. She arrives and bites her nails in nervous anticipation (“What if even HE doesn’t like me?”). Ryan couldn’t be happier to see Ashley mostly because his self-induced seclusion in his room is finally over.

The two throw compliments back and forth to help boost their egos and once Ashley is finally feeling better about herself she breaks it down to Ryan. Ryan’s odd, scary smile (that hides the craziness beneath) breaks when she tells him that there is no spark, no romance. Ryan yells “Nuh-uh!” but Ashley holds strong and tells him it’s over.

Yeah, not so much.

All along we knew that Ryan was just one goodbye away from a total meltdown and here it is. The break-up is even worse the second time around and I think Ry is considering flinging himself over the balcony and into the ocean for good. The producers talk him down from that but then he spirals into a Howard Hughesian (you know, the guy Leonardo played in The Aviator) rant “It’ll happen, It’ll happen…. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” I want to hide my entire being and fight the SE but I am way too concerned for his mental stability. Is there suicide watch in Figi?

It'll happen. It'll happen.

Date 3 aka The One with the Bi-Plane. 

I like how they save JP for the end every time. They know that he is all we are interested in and therefore make us sit through all the crapola to get to the good stuff.

If you didn’t know that Ashley was head over heels in love with JP, you should be full aware after she squealed his name in excitement like the 15 year-old that she is – JAAAAAAAYYYYY PEEEEEEEE!

They smooch and I realize that Drew has the same shirt that JP is wearing. It’s official I’m married to a hipster.

ABC continues to make up for the season of lackluster dates and takes us on a bi-plane ride. And these two love birds take flight just like their romance. Know how I know that? The music. This track is from the “Epic Love Greatest Hits (Instrumental Version)” I think it’s track 6 – “The flight to true love.”

These two paw at each other on the beach while I wonder aloud how long it will take for JP to take off his shirt. It takes WAY too long but it happens. Since the anticipation for that is over all I can do is wonder how long we’ll have to watch them open mouth kiss in the ocean.

Ashley spends the entire date trying to get JP to say ‘I love you.’ And while he refuses to say the words, the giddy, googly-eyed look on his face shows that the feeling is there.

It’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the 15 minutes before the fantasy suite.

JP tells Ashley he had an incredible day to which totally shocks and surprises Ashley. “What? You had fun with ME? It must have been because we’re in Fiji right?”

These two awkwardly grope while Ashley tells JP that two people have gone home this week. This makes JP beam with excitement until she burst the bubble and tells him that Ryan came back.  JP is on a roll of being cute and fun and awesome until he goes and says the dreaded B word.

I think this is where things get kind of serious. This is always the part where I tune out and check twitter or get a snack. All I hear is slow, thoughtful piano music and JP saying something about making Ashley his wife. Whatevs, when are you two heading to the fantasy suite?

Let's do this.

The card finally appears and Ashley tries to be sneaky about giving it to JP. He is thrilled with all the FS implies and it’s on. “This is what the past few months have led up to…” the sexy time.

“Are you excited?” Ashley says (because she is excited about EVERYTHING). Uh duh he’s excited.

Ashley changes into a men’s button down which I think is her code for let’s do this. They start open mouth kissing and I am ready to leave now.  Let’s close the doors and leave these two with their weird hand positions and slobbery kisses. (Since we all know that JP wins, do you think she is this annoying in real life with him?)

Unnecessary Rose Ceremony 

I’m gonna make this part quick cause lord knows this has been a LONG post. CH and Ash sit down for their one-on-one and here’s all you need to know. Ole girl is insecure as hell so she is going to make sure the guys want to be there during the rose ceremony. Got it.

It’s raining, once again, at her rose ceremony.  Do you think the constant rose ceremony rain is a sign from the gods?  (or was that sentence a sign from the gods that I’ve been watching too much ‘Rome’ on Netflix?)

Both dudes accept the roses (uh duh) since it would make them look pretty lame to turn her down right after they made whoopie in the fantasy suite.

We close with the incredibly awkward final three champagne toast. Did you all get uncomfortable watching Ashley try to pay attention to both of them? If I was Ben or JP, I’d get my toast on and be out of there quick!

Yay! You still like me!

Well we made it through another week. Only one more episode left. Can you believe it? I thought we might not make it (I don’t think some of you did, the readership has declined throughout the season. I’m blaming that on Ashley and not my writing – it’s my blog. I do what I want).  Men Tell All Special Sunday and then the Finale Monday!

And then it’s Bachelor Pad!

Next week it’s all kissing, mean coupon lady and long dresses. Until then… stay tuned!

Wait hold on. Why do they save all the funny/extra weird stuff for the very end. Good to know Ashley has a foot fetish but really – I  wish they would show some of this funnier/sillier/slightly more normal (okay not the foot thing but the actual real conversation) stuff for the show.

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July 19, 2011 · 1:56 pm

Making the Ordinary Extraordinary. Hometown Dates on The Bachelorette. Season 7 Episode 8 Recap

Hey friends. Can you believe we FINALLY made it to hometowns? I can see the end in sight and I couldn’t be happier. Just gotta keep your head in the game and look ahead to Bachelor Pad (they’re showing the promos – it’s gotta be soon).

To get us started, I’ve decided that I will no longer recap montages/previews but I will say I am excited to see an old man make it rain.

So we  meet up with our girl Ash at her condo in Philly (I saw a lot of people giving Ash a hard time for saying Philly is her hometown but not going there last season. Simmer down peeps, I am no ASh fan but she lives in Philly and she grew up/her fam lives in that little town in Mainada that serves that weird/delicious poutin thing.) Ashley’s going through her mail (c’mon ABC ole girl is annoying but I know she had WAY more mail than that after being in Asia for like a month. I go out-of-town for a weekend and it’s like the post office bombed my mailbox.) playing with her pup all while being dressed like she’s going to a wedding rehearsal dinner.

While this is going on Ashley gives us the deets on why she likes these four dudes.

Ben: Superficially Ashley loves him. She likes his hair, his eyes, his body but yet never mentions his personality (or lack thereof) or how he feels about her. This one’s got true love written all over it.

Constantine: She likes him for all same reasons as Ben since they are essentially the same person.

Ames: He’s unique and nerdy. Oh and also humble about how much better he is than everyone. Basically, he snuck into the final four and she has no idea how he’s been here this long.

JP: Well, duh. She likes him cause he’s a smoking hottie with more of a personality than a wet blanket which is all the other guys are working with.

Ashley is now ready to get her hometowns on. So she steps outside and hails a cab. Wait, what? Clearly the producers hate her as much as we all do since they couldn’t even send a car service for her. And we’re off….

….to Cumming, GA. Yup, that’s what it’s really called. 

Constantine’s hometown name is the first of many sexual innuendos that get thrown around this episode. So get used it to.

These two love birds meet how all young lovers on this show do for hometowns with the required Running! Picking Up! Spinning! Hugging! sequence but this one has a new addition, SKIPPING! YAY!

And next these two go on the required hometown picnic date. While Consty and Ash catch up, I notice he’s still sporting a Asian bead bracelet from his trip. Since I’m paying more attention to his souvenir sporting, I definitely didn’t catch anything they were talking about. I’m guessing it was something like:

Ash: Oh my gawwd, I missed you.
Consty: Me too.
Ash: Can you believe it’s been so long?
Consty: Um, it was like a week ago.
Ash: Thank you for picking me up and twirling me. I am so surprised you can lift me.
Consty: (Confused look, different from normal sleepy confused look) You’re Welcome?

The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout.... (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

So this ends and it’s off to Consty’s family restaurant which surprise! is not Greek but Italian.  We get little to no explanation on this conundrum so it’s on to making a pizza of love. Ashley is super excited about all of this pizza making (is that what the kids are calling it these days?) and attempts to bake Consty into her slice of love. “Put whatever you like in it” (That’s what she said.) Consty says and then Ashley feebly tries to put him in the pie. Guessing she got this idea from Shawntel’s epic hometown date last season. (What are crematorium jokes not funny?)

After a slew of food jokes (“I’m so cheesy!”) these two get down to business. Or as you may know it better, eating a meal.  They blabber on about falling in love while the girl employees gawk like teeny boppers from a near-by window. They provide great commentary like “AwWWW!” “She’s so pretty.” “They’re so cute.” and my personal favorite “OOOOOOOO! They’re kissing.”

After picking the pizza out of each others teeth with their tongues, these two head on over to Consty’s house to meet the fam. And can we all agree, Demetri, Elleni and Maria KILLED IT. They set a high standard for the rest of the hometown dates and no family could compare to their Big Fat Greek Bachelorette Dinner Episode.

No Ashley, I cannot be a pizza topping. (ABC/Guy D'Alema)

I loved all of this hometown especially when Elleni got awkward and quizzed Ashley hard about whether she would be open to relocating. Basically, the little Greek mama bear was gonna put the kibosh on anyone trying to take her Consty our of Cumming (please ignore how gross that sounded).

I’m hoping Consty is the next Bachelor just because I want Demetri to get some more TV face time. His accent makes even Ashley seem fun and interesting. After a series of H-to-H’s, the rest of the Consty clan (of course his niece is named Athena. I love it.) storm through the doors with casseroles, drinks and apparently A LOT of twenty-dollar bills. Um, how come whenever I go to a family party there isn’t some fun uncle making it rain with $20 bills? I am sure I would go to a lot more family events if this happened on the regular.

Make it Rain.

This date is by far one of the best of the season (see, i can use hyperbole too!). OPA!!! to the clan Consty for turning this drabness around. Since Ash is a debbie downer though, she makes us leave before they start getting really wild and smashing plates.

We leave with Ashley and Consty swapping spit while Demetri and Elleni watch creepily from the door. End Scene.

Next Stop: Chadd’s Ford, PA. Oh Muffy! It’s time for Ames’ hometown. 

Before the required Run!Hug!Lift!Spin! sequence Ames let’s us know he’s really excited. I’m going to take his word for it since he face shows no sign of emotion or recognition.

They meet up and Ames let’s Ashely know this place “Is like home to me.” Um, yeah Ames because it IS your home.

So we pull up and Serena Van Der Ames sinks her sister claws into Ashley the minute her stripper heels hit the patio. We relive the Muay Thai boxing fiasco and Ames’ other adventures in love before we break down into one-on-ones.

Serena drags Ashley by her hair over to sit besides their in-door pool where she breaks it down. “Hurt my brother and I’ll hurt you.” Okay, so it didn’t exactly go down like that but more or less Serena is OBSESSED with her baby bro and will cause bodily harm to anyone who breaks his little Ken doll heart. And I believe her, she seems a lot bigger and a lot meaner than Ashley.

After hooking Ashley up to the lie-detector and running a brain scan analysis on her answers, Serena knows that Ashley is full of it and has no love for our boy Ames. So what does she do? She takes a page from her Gossip Girl younger self and runs over to blab to Ames, telling him how she’s not that into him and he needs to step up his game. They share some weird sexual innuendo and I am officially creeped out. I was almost officially creeped out with Ames’ awkward hand gestures but this is what really pushed me over the top.

Since Serena van der Ames stole all the spotlight on this date we hardly get to see any of Ash’s sit down with Mama Ames or Ames mama’s boy chat. We do learn about Ames losing both his dad and his step-dad and I am genuinely touched for a moment. Then I notice that Ashley is not paying any attention to what Jane Ames is saying. I’m guessing she stops paying attention when they stop talking about her. Can’t blame her, I tend to do that too. (Just kidding. Or am I?)

The awkward Ames family says their goodbyes and they duo are whisked off to a magical magnolia filled park. Ames thinks magnolia’s are the most romantic thing ever (um, haven’t we already been to all the most romantic places ever? I think we need to establish some sort of ranking for this kind of thing) which my grandma would wholeheartedly agree with.

Cheers! Wanna Party? (ABC/Ken White)

Ames let’s Ashley know that he used to go to boarding school (duh!) where he was a big nerd (shocker!) and that he didn’t have a ton of friends (really?!). Ashley pretends to act sympathetic but has no idea what to say here. The odd moment is broken up when Ames goes into his diatribe on making the “ordinary extraordinary.” According to Ames there is “magic in the ordinary.” Um, your ordinary must be a lot cooler than mine Ames cause I’m pretty sure commuting to work, working, going to the grocery store and cleaning my house aren’t filled with a lot of magic. They are filled with a lot of alcohol though, maybe that could help make everything more magical.

Ames suggests they make some ordinary magic so they kiss (after staring at each other for WAY too long) and ride off into the forest in a carriage driven by some George Washington look alikes.

Sonoma Valley, CA. Bottoms Up!  

We’re halfway through the hometown marathon and now we’re heading out west to Sonoma Valley or what 40-year-old women refer to as Heaven. I admit I’m a little excited about this one. Ben has seemed to have some personality this season and I am assuming there will be a lot of boozing in Sonoma so it should be a good time.

If you were thinking anything like me, you had to have been sorely disappointed. I am going to say this may have been the most boring hometown date I’ve ever seen. I spent the last few minutes of it online shopping for baby gear because that seemed more interesting than what I was watching (it was pretty boring too which shows how awful this date was).

Ben opens the date by saying “This is my hometown. This is where I grew up. And Ashley is here. And I’m very excited about it.” all with the enthusiasm of a wet sock.  He tries to look mildly interested for the running! jumping! twirling! meet-up but even that is half-assed.

Will this make you stop crying? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

Since there isn’t a shred of originality on this show, they go for a picnic. (Isn’t Ashley just a LITTLE tired of picnics at this point? Did these guys really do that much picnicking growing up?) The entire Ben and Ashley alone time is spent with Ashley trying to paw Ben’s clothes off while he stares awkwardly ahead, speaking exclusively  in monotone, looking like a deer in headlights. What happened to the Scooby-Doo loving stoner that we’d grown to know and not hate?

Ben tells Ashley he’s only brought one girl home before which is why, i’m guessing, he’s acting so weird. Ashley kind of freaks out and all the while I’m wishing we could go back to Cumming (Georgia that is) and hang with Consty and his fam.

Ashley and Ben taking a hair brushing break and then head over to his house to meet his mom and sister. They also speak exclusively in monotone and shockingly are way more uptight that Ames’ family. Ben’s sister manages to grill Ashley through the entire dinner before taking a break to lay down the law for her brother.

Was anyone else a little overwhelmed with these intense brother/sister relationships? Yikes. Anyway, at this point, the monotone convos were making my brain numb so I stopped paying attention.

When I looked back up Ben was crying and we finally got to leave. (For all the more sensitive viewers, I know his Dad passed away and that’s very sad but wow – that date was ROUGH!)

I thought this moment would never come…. Rosslyn, NY – Hot Skating with JP.

If I wasn’t excited enough about the date with JP, I was over the moon after that monotone date from Sonoma. JP, his hotness and his voice inflection were on hand to spin Ashley who could barely keep her hands off our hottie hipster.

Ashley doesn’t care where JP takes her as long as they’re together. For once, I am 100% behind Ashley. But JP being cute, hot and original takes Ashley on a tour of his childhood with a date to the roller rink aptly named Hot Skates.

JP and Ashley lace up and then hit the floor for couples skate. Ashley “feels like [she's] back in 7th grade.” Except it’s better because there definitely weren’t hottie like this in Mainada.

Everything is going well until the music starts. Wait, hold up. Really? That song. I know Ashley can’t fight that feeling but that wasn’t even the original version. I got a serious case of SE but then I realized I was watching JP and it passed. After tongue kissing in the strobe lights, JP takes Ash back to meet his fam.

Hot Skates (ABC/Lou Rocco)

ps. I do need to mention the fact that Ashley asked JP how he could be single for so long which was code for “What’s wrong with you? There’s got to be something I don’t know about since you are otherwise smoking hot and really charming.”

So back at the family pad, we meet JP’s mom who belongs on the SNL skit Coffee Tawk. I love her though. We also meet JP less genetically blessed brother Roy. They also say some white-haired dude is his Dad but he is never allowed to talk so I’m not sure.

Ilene gets real and asks JP if he is in love (since she knows Ashley is in love with him, obvi). He skates (you like how I used skating again huh) around the question but I’m pretty sure he digs her.

Kirk + Zack = Perfect Early 90's Love.

This date is pretty standard family fun and then Ilene goes big – she break out his Bar MIitzah. Ah MAZ ING. Not a boy, not yet a man JP was a perfect mix of Kirk Cameron and Zack Morris. Love it. What a cutie. He definitely didn’t have the same issues as Ames in high school. This is a special message for Ilene: Thank you for bringing out that picture. We all owe you and Consty’s family for bringing your A-game to hometowns.

At the end of this date, if you weren’t convinced JP wins (yeah I consider this a game) then you should know now.

Rose Ceremony

Phew. We made it. I’m going to skip over Ashley’s babbling to Chris Harrison and get down to business.

After pulling down her long black sweater and gazing longingly at the frames, Ashley knows who’s got to go.

Roses go to:

  • Ben
  • JP

Ames looks unique with his tan suit and hand-in-the-pocket style which Drew refers to as “keeping it Ivy league.” I’m not quite sure what my husband knows about Ivy League style since we both went to the University of Kentucky, but we’ll go with it.

Consty looks confused/confident. Just the way I like him.

  • Consty for the win.

Poor Ames doesn’t know what to do so he awkwardly says bye to the dudes and wanders out with Ashley. Sitting like Forest Gump, he gives Ashley his good-bye speech before giving her a HAND SHAKE. How uncomfortable was that?  Oh Ames, bless your heart.

Before he leaves, Ames gives us one final piece of poetry, “I thought I would be sharing a life time of adventures with this woman but instead I have a lifetime of adventures by myself  - which is less enticing.”

Oh Ames, I’m sure there is a frozen faced girl out there looking for adventures with you. Maybe you can find her on the next season of The Bachelor (no, nevermind, I take that back).

So there it is. What did you all think of hometowns? What do you think about the previews for Bali?

I’ll be back on track with Love in the Wild this week.

Until then… stay tuned.

Wait, when did this happen? (ABC/Ron Koeberer)

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July 12, 2011 · 12:37 pm

Ashley Hebert and The Quest for Unconditional Love – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 7 Recap

It’s been a long time, you thought I left you without a dope beat to step to. Pardon the Aaliyah reference. Things are pretty bleak over here at SE. First off, The Bachelorette is slowly sucking at my will to watch TV and second, I’m reconsidering my commitment to ‘Love in the Wild’ and thinking of throwing my Wednesday night recaps to The Challenge: Rivals. Thoughts?

I'm Waaaiting. (Abc/Kenny Ting)

I do have one positive to report this (sweltering) Tuesday morning – we made it through an entire episode without hearing about he who must not be named (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II comes out this week! what what! Sorry got to sneak those references in when I can).  I even made a cocktail prepared to finally give the drinking game a go and once again, Ashley disappoints me (but this time in a kind of good way and at least I had a cocktail to drink away the disappointment).

So the whole gang is heading over to Taiwan. And by travel, I mean they jaunt across a cartoon map of the Orient (hey, they played the semi-racist music, not me) to the Hidden Jewel of Asia. Ashley uses her montage voice-over to discuss how amazing Taiwan is, how it is the perfect place to fall in love and that it is the most beautiful, romantic, amazing, awesome place to fall in love (I think she had at least 6 other superlatives but you get the point).

Do you ever wish they would come on be like “Yeah, we’re going to this place. It sucks. It’s crowded, gross, the people are mean and the food is nasty. Basically it is the worst place ever to fall in love but we’re going to give it a go.” I think this would add some nice realism to the show. Yeah, it’s easy to fall in love when everything is all market dates and fake weddings but what about when you’re surrounded by dirty homeless people and rude commuters? That’s the true test of love. Okay, enough of my blabbering. On to the show.

Ashley gives us a detailed account of why she likes each guy. The only one with any truth was her Ames analysis, ”He is one of the most unique guys I’ve ever met.” You can say that again.

There are six dudes left when we get to Taipei. Only four will have the chance to introduce Ashley to their creepy relatives and awkward friends back home.

There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. No roses on the one-on-ones. Game on.

As the brahs settle down into their bachelor pad everyone is loving the new digs with one exception: our resident hipster hottie JP. He’s showing that he is certainly Ashley’s perfect match by allowing his insecurity to slowly creep in and eat him from the inside out. He silently seethes in the corner while the first date goes to…

Constantine – Let your love light shine. Love, Ashley.  

Ashley shows up in her standard issue outfit: half top (this time the back is missing, this turns out to be a trend this episode. A frightening and alarming trend), jeggings and stripper shoes. The two meet up at a train station and while this date clearly doesn’t involve dancing, Ashley tries to sneak in a little shimmy much to Ben’s Constantine’s displeasure.

Note: How has it gone unmentioned, this ENTIRE SEASON, that Ben and Constantine are doppelgangers? Not even one funny comment in the credit bloopers. Nothing. This aggression will not stand.

All aboard the True Love Express for Constantine (his name is entirely too long. I will call him Consty from here on out) and Ashley. Viewers experience the train ride with some sensual Thomas the Train music accompanied by some PG petting (mostly from Ashley) capped off by the phallic train-in-the-tunnel moment. Once that’s over we’re in the “adddooooorrable” Ping Shi Village. I wish Ames had been on this date. We could have heard some insightful commentary on the history of Taiwan and this specific village rather than hearing Ashley describe the world like a 7-year old girl talking about kittens.

To continue their tradition of painting things on dates (wait, that’s Ben isn’t it? This look alike thing is getting out of hand) the two paint a love lantern for the ceremonial release later that night (not meant to be a dirty sentence but came across that way. sorry!) These  dodo birds attempt to paint something of meaning (How do you draw marriage? What would commitment look like? What shape is a heart?) while the locals look on condescendingly.

We learn later that this lantern has little to no meaning after a stray dog provides it with its true meaning – “I piss on your love.”

Back at the suite the dudes are having an intense staring contest while waiting for the date card to arrive. The Hunchback leaves everyone in surprise (or maybe he is still concussed and just talks like that now) until he announces Constantine Ben is the winner of the date card lottery. Ben pretends to be excited while Ryan is all “Awww Man!” pouting about how outdoor dates are his thing.

I think the Constantine Ben back-to-back dates are a deliberate attempt by the producers to confuse the shit out of Ashley. She’s got to get them confused, doesn’t she?

Back in Ping Shi, Consty

It's Addooorrrable.

gets real with Ashley and in the one moment of truth on this show, let’s her know that (shocker!) he’s not in love with her yet. Hallelujah it appears real humans may still populate The Bachelorette. Ashley isn’t buying this and aggressively rest her hand near Consty’s package while he keeps his neatly folded and far away from her.

Ashley is in total surprise to find out that Consty actually listens to what she says since she doesn’t listen to what anyone says except for “You’re so pretty!” or “You’re so skinny!” She’s far too busy listening to her own insecure thoughts to pay attention to what the guys are talking about.
This revelation scores big for Consty and they are letting their love light shine and open mouth kissing in no time.

This date decidedly trumps Ashley’s last “most romantic date ever” while Consty adds that “he’s never been happier” as they sway in the glow of the lantern light.
Next up: Constantine Part Deux or Ben as they like to call him on this show. 

We know this date is an outdoor date since Ashley shows up in some booty shorts and another ill-fitting top, this time a men’s XL t-shirt.

After these two sway and stare awkwardly in each others eyes  for what seemed like 3 minutes, she finally tells him what the date is and they skip on over to their … Moped!

As the scoot off into the mountains, Ben gets some serious bonus points with his ‘Dumb and Dumber” reference. Although I am quite certain the reference was entirely lost on Ashley. I don’t know if it was the moped or the mountains or Ben’ calling Ashley kiddo or Ashley’s tween sized arms holding tight to Ben but these two crazy kids are falling in love. Don’t be fooled though, Ashley still sneaks her insecurity into this date when she asks Ben – while riding the moped- “But you’re happy right?” Oh Ashley, what are we going to do with you?

Back at the swanky hotel, the dudes find out that Ashley is grooming Ames, Lucas and JP for the big day. This mean Ryan finally gets his one on one date. Praise the Sun Gods – the day is near!

Did someone say pose? (ABC/Kenny Ting)

Back to the love birds, Ben shows up for dinner in his chambray shirt ready to get down to business. This is especially apparent when Ashley compares their dinner wine to the one Ben brought her. He slams down his glasses, throws the other in her face and yells “Are you f-ing kidding me? This swill doesn’t even compare.” AW man, I wish that had happened. Instead, Ben acts mildly annoyed and mumbles under his breath something about Ashley being an idiot.

This dinner is mildly painful. Ashley manages to ask Ben to reassure her 19 times before she believes that he really likes her and Ben uses his words to spit out that he can’t wait for her to meet his mommy and daddy.

As Ben strings together sentences pouring his love out for Ashley, she sits there oddly staring at him like there is spinach in his teeth. I start to complain about how she doesn’t respond to him but then I realize we’ve made it an entire minute without having to listen to her whiny voice. Point Ben.

We think the date ends with an open mouth kiss but apparently there was more and Ben does his walk of shame into the penthouse the next morning. This makes JP’s blood boil and right before I think he is going to lunge across the sofa and smother Ben with his beanie, he exits the room.

Group Date: Awkward Wedding Photos with Ames, JP and Lucas. 

The dudes met up with Ashley at a Thai Olin Mills where they find out they’ll be taking wedding pictures. Yay! Ashley is so excited about this that she dug out one of her old cheer-leading skirts so she could play real life Ken & Barbie with these three saps.

While Ashley looks as excited as her sister in front of a pile of coupons, the guys look less than thrilled. And by less than thrilled, I mean terrified. While the guys try to regain composure, Ashley tells America that this is an important date where she will learn if they’re ready for marriage, if they can commit and most importantly, if they look “cute”  in wedding pictures. We’re creating true love here folks.

The photo sequence goes down pretty fast.

Basically, Lucas gets set up to look like an old Thai lady for the traditional pics (cause he’s a traditional southern gentleman ya’ll!). They take the least romantic, most awkward pictures ever and he is pissed about it.

Let's play dress-up!

Ames, who has no idea where he is, takes it like a good sport and wears his baby blue tux with pride. He and Ashley take pictures in a fake tree for no apparent reason and as soon as it begun, his photos are over.

JP, who pouted more effectively than a 3-year-old girl, gets his way and dons a James Bond style black tux. He looks smoking hot but his new attitude stains his look. Ashley eats it up and they stand in front of a $3 backdrop while being SOOOO HAAPPPY!

The awkward wedding photo date ends with them checking out their best shots. They leave behind their 11 x 14′s so they can grace the entry of this Sears Portrait Studio for years to come.

The dinner portion of the date is a mix of each guy chest puffing for Ashley’s affection. Actually, this is a total lie. The rest of the date is a competition between JP and Lucas on who can be the bigger whiny brat. http://itsnotavespa.tumblr.com/

Little Amesy.

Side Note: Where on earth did Ames sneak those family photos in from? All of a sudden we’re looking at 12-year-old Ames and I’m thinking, “Have those been in your suitcase the whole time?” Seriously, he’s just been holding on to those waiting for the perfect time to drop them on Ashley. I’m guessing there was one of Ames’ parents monster sized house and Ashley is like, “Well hell. I gotta see that place.”  Poor Ames, unpopular til he was 26, I mean 16.

The moment Ryan’s been waiting for…. the one-on-one. 

I know this date is off to a bad, bad SE start when these two start running (if that’s what you call that) towards each other in the open square. If a little piece of you didn’t die while watching then you haven’t truly felt the effects of SE. Ps. – Did anyone else notice that Ashley wasn’t wearing shoes as she walk/ran across the square?

This is when Drew throws in his important comment of the show. “I’m no fashionista (yup, I taught him that word) but really what the f** is up with that shirt?” Love it. Glad to know that he has also noticed Ashley’s new trend of backless tops.

If we’re using superlatives, this meet up has got to go down as the most awkward in Bachelor(ette) history. I covered myself up in sofa cushions and asked Drew to let me know when Ashley found a normal shirt. I am currently writing this post from my cushion fort.

So, other than the mountains of SE this date was pretty boring. Basically, the two of them walk around and talk. As they wander and watch people do Thai chi, Ryan quizzes Ashley on what she’s doing to help the environment and when they are going to get married. These topics of convo clearly make Ashley uncomfortable and I can see this date taking a bad turn.

I know that it’s a bad sign when they play the game for the match making gods and the blocks don’t match up right. Ashley silently jumps for joy while Ryan begins to hyperventilate into a paper bag. Seriously, at any minute is seems like he could either laugh or break down into tears. He seems a little mentally unstable to me.

The sun comes out and Ryan uses its energy to tell Ashley about the most boring topic of all time – Water Heaters. At this point, Ashley throws the brakes on this date and lays it out for Ryan. “Look dude, you’re nice and you love our planet but this thing isn’t gonna work out.”

The worst part is that Ryan thought this date was going AMAZEballs. Like he was not just on cloud nine, he jumped over that cloud and went straight to 10. This is what makes it all the more awkward when Ashley “breaks up” with him.

As she lays down the law, Ryan looks like Ashley shot his puppy or the sun. And in the most epic line in SE history he says “So you don’t want to meet my family?” Oh god, oh god. I steal Ryan’s paper bag idea and start hyperventilating myself. Ryan’s so awkward and so weird and so bad yet so naive and I almost feel bad for him. Oh well, it doesn’t matter now since it looks like he’s about to go drown himself in that koi pond.

As Ashley drags out the break up (don’t hold hands when you are breaking up with someone), Drew notices there is a giant jungle cat lurking in the background. Snap. She is about to just leave his ass to get eaten by a giant jungle cat. Are they at the zoo? Doesn’t seem like it, that cat is roaming pretty freely.

As Ashley leaves him she notes that Ryan “Really likes me and he’s a really smart guy.” This is clearly a ‘If, Then” statement for Ashley. If he really likes me, then he is really smart. Oh Ashley and her insecurity.

Hugging or groping - that is the question.

The pair drop hands and go their separate ways but not before they get one last hug (is it groping if she’s wearing only half a shirt?). Ashley back to cocktail filled dates and Ryan to his destiny with the jungle cat (Drew says he is just as nervous for Ryan now as he was for Casey when Ali left his ass on a mountain in Iceland.)

Ryan stuffs his hands in his pockets, hangs his head and walks straight into the jungle cats lair.

Poor guy stutters and cries awkwardly into the camera and I try to leave the room but am paralyzed with SE. I almost feel bad for the guy but then he makes me so uncomfortable.

Our closing shot if of sad Ryan wandering Taiwan. And to add insult to injury they can’t even give the dude a lift to the airport – they make him hail his own cab.

End Scene.

Rose Ceremony:

This post is way too long so I am going to wrap this up.

Ashley stares at the dudes pictures longingly while Ames provides expert commentary on this episode. I honestly wish we could have him do commentary the rest of the reason. He gives us a nice recap of the guys state of mind. I love it.

Ben and Constantine sit down next to each other and seriously THEY ARE TWINS.

Heart to Heart with CH. Boring except that Ashley ONCE AGAIN kills the cocktail party. The producers need to put their foot down on this bull.

Rose Ceremony:

CH gives them all the sympathy break-up speech and it’s on.

  • JP already has a rose.
  • Constantine
  • Ben
    AND…
  • Ames (Who looks like he has been propped up. I think someone’s been doing that ever since he got concussed. When his name is called, he is like “where am i?”)

Lucas is sent packing. The dudes all stand around and are like “I totally didn’t expect that” which is code for “Ames, how the f are you still here?” Lucas leaves with dignity and without crying which i appreciate. He’d make a good bachelor.

Ashley starts getting emotional in her solo interview. Despite wanting to keep all the guys in her polly pocket case she takes with her everywhere she is not emotionally prepared to let them go. “I never knew there would be this much pressure.” Are you serious? What did you think you got to keep them all. Woof.

Drew pipes in with another insightful thought when he says, “Do you think every time she talks the producers are like ‘Oh god, why did he pick her?’” I whole heartedly agree and will no wrap this post up.

I know Emily came on afterwards and to wrap that up here goes: Crying, Broke up with Brad, Lip Quiver Crying, Being Cute as a Button, Crying, Being Precious, No more Brad and Emily. That’s a wrap.

So what did you all think of this episode? I know I left a lot out (mainly Ames’ outfit choices) so feel free to leave your favorite parts in the comments.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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July 5, 2011 · 2:51 pm

Bentley on the Brain. – The Soup’s Bachelorette Blabber

Hey friends. So it’s Tuesday and because of the birth of our great nation, we were spared from watching Ashley blabber on about Bentley for one week. Don’t worry friends, The Soup and Joel McHale are here to help us play an abbreviated version of the Bentley drinking game (and probably kill us).

I couldn’t let a Tuesday go by without a Bachelorette post, so please enjoy this fabulous montage (yes, for once a montage I can get behind) that adequately sums up all we hate about this season.

My favorite line is “Ashley continues to captivate the nation with her courageous fight against good decisions and her spot on imitation of nails on a chalkboard.” Thank you Joel for saying what we’re all been trying to put into words.

Love in the Wild AND  Rivals: The Challenge Wednesday night.

Until then… stay tuned.

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June 28, 2011 · 9:25 pm

“I just want a friend.” Learning to Love on The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part II

Sorry for breaking this recap up but I had to take a break or as Ashley would call it a “dot dot dot.”

So as Brian Fellows would say “Let’s get GOING!” (Once again, I had to insert a clip of something funny that I love to make this recap worthwhile.)

Group Date: Dragon Boat Racing

Is it bad that I got excited for the group date because it meant that Ames would be there to amuse me with his awesome facial expressions? Well if it’s bad, I don’t want to be good.

Ashley is there in a tie-front top so, if there were any doubts, it’s now confirmed we’re on a group date. We find out that the dudes are going to do some dragon boat racing. As we all wonder aloud what that means, Ashley informs us like a seasoned local (or a clueless American reading cue cards). The dudes are broken up into pairs.

As if it’s an apology for the awfulness of these season, the producers pair up the twins aka Benstantine. I love it. Clearly they do too. Their bromance is real. Not sure if it is a self-love thing since essentially they are the same person. But whatever it is – I like it.

These guys. (ABC/Victor Fraile)

The other pairings are the rivals Blake and Ryan (Ryan’s all “Rivals? We’re not Rivals. I love Blake!”) and the brains Ames and Mickey. The twist is that each team needs to find 8 other people to help row their dragon boats. This means the crew of obnoxious Americans (minus Ames cause he probably speaks Mandarin) will be let loose on the market (again? really?) to annoy and pester the locals.

It’s such a Benstantine move to try to recruit chicks. Hey Guys – you’re here trying to score with this Ashley chick, there will be plenty of time to explore the local flavor when she kicks you off. In the mean time, you need to find some strong dudes to help you row.

Clearly this message is not lost on Ames and Mickey who are able to find every experienced dragon boat racer in Hong Kong in a matter of minutes.

Team Blyan depend on Ryan’s solar-powered positive personality to recruit their motley crew of rowers. Meanwhile, Benstantine get stoned and buy matching outfits (like we weren’t confused enough already).

Race time. Ashley is impressed with Team Maemes recruiting skills, she is less impressed with the twins outfits. I, on the other hand, must thank the producers for this small favor. Watching them parade down the beach in matching red robes with a posse of ready-to-row chicks in tow is pure genius. Can we make these two the next Bachelors. Maybe it can be Parent Trap-style (lots of LaLohan references lately).

As expected Team Mames and their team of ringers win and the look of confusion on Ames’ face when they cross the finish line makes me believe that he is still dealing with the after-effects of his concussion. Yup, his facial expression was awesome. Feel free to check it out here at the 3:08 mark. You’re welcome.

So the black teams wins and during their victory celebration, another couple gets engaged. You can see all the guys start sweating and awkwardly fidgeting. No worries boys, there’s a good chance you won’t be forced into a false engagement with Ashley. Before we break for the evening portion of the group date, Ashley gives us this brilliant comment. “Every time I spend time with them, I get to know them better.” Yeah Ashley, it’s weird how that works.

Ashley feels like tonight is gonna be a good night, well isn’t it always a good time when Ames wears TWO collared shirts at once. One is just not enough for a good time. To keep with the awkward Ames theme, the pair hop into an elevator and head to the 48th floor. When Ashley asks him if he’s been there before I am expecting him to say yes since he’s been everywhere else in the world. Instead, he grabs Ashley and sticks his tongue down her throat as they climb 48 floors high. The sloppy kissing noises were almost too much to bear. Just when I thought I liked you Ames you go and ruin it with some open mouth kissing.

After tongue kissing Ames, Ashley grabs the next preppiest guy, Ben and decides one awkward kissing encounter just isn’t enough. So after some Scooby snacks, Ashley and Ben get their spit swapping on. Woof. (Next time ABC I would much prefer the deleted scenes of them using their dog voices and that’s saying something.)

Aren't crop tops just the cutest?!? (ABC/Victor Fraile)

Next up is Ryan. While the guys sit around talking about how annoying Ryan is, he’s off helping an insecure girl feel good about herself. Who knew all you needed to do to get a rose was remind Ashley that you’re there for her (Really? I can’t believe you’re all here for Me! That is so exciting!) So Prince Charming does his thing and soon Princess Fiona is scooting off to snag the rose for him. This really pisses the other guys off and despite their threats, they do not pack up and leave that very moment. (I know, bummer.)

As Ashley blabbers on, telling us how she FINALLY realizes the guys are there for her, Drew and I discuss a very important topic. If we’re seeing Ashley say the same thing over and over again imagine how many times she must have said it before editing. Yikes. I feel like sending the editor a cookie cake right now.

The group date ends and it’s finally on to the good stuff…

Jordan Paul’s One-on-One.

Sporting her standard loose blouse, Ashley is ready to ruin all of JP’s precious camera time with her insecurity and hair touching. When she mentions Bentley on this date, I want to drop kick her. You are on a date with the best thing to happen to this season. Do not ruin it with talk of that loser.

At this point I’m considering turning off the sound so I can just watch JP without having to hear Ashley’s whining. Ashley notices that she and JP have one major difference. “You’re so confident” she says. Um yeah, he’s a smoking hottie without daddy issues. Why wouldn’t he be confident?

I think ABC should call this season a wash and just create a new fall rom-com reality show, Odd Couple-style, with JP and Ames. They both live in New York right? Think about how awesome that show would be. One’s in construction, one’s in finance. One is messy, one is not. One is a smoking hottie and one is the reincarnation of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. If this is the next ABC hit show don’t say I didn’t call it first.

So after some mindless chatter, Ashley officially ruins the date by coming clean about Bentley. Jordan Paul doesn’t take the bait and is lovely and understanding which totally pisses me off. I thought this would make him hate her and then cement him as the next Bachelor. (I knew it wouldn’t happen but a girl can dream.)

Ashley’s monologue about falling for Bentley make me hate her even more. She definitely doesn’t deserve sweet, sweet JP. On an entirely separate note, why don’t JP and Ashley ever have a full day/night date? I feel jipped.

JP forgives Ashley despite her unworthiness of his forgiveness. Since Ashley’s a smitten kitten (can’t blame her) she gives him the rose (duh) and he oddly wears it on his shirt the rest of the date. So JP spends the train ride part of the date looking like he’s heading to homecoming. The date ends with Ashley fishing for compliments and a dash of tongue kissing. (Yeah I still hate it, even when it’s JP.)

Rose Ceremony aka The Men Revolt aka Ashley Let’s the Girls Out!

Ashley is all dolled up and ready to appear in the Miss Teen USA pageantto get her cocktail on. Ashley’s anxiety and insecurity about her boobs have been haunting her since the roast date (similar to the experience with Bentley) so she decides to show them what’s up and let the girls out.

A Wooo Ga. A Woooo Ga.

Obviously they “captivate” the brahs who all start drooling and making honking noises. This is obviously all before she breaks the Bentley news to them.

Ashley rounds up her cowboys and sits them around the campfire for a little tale. Unfortunately for Ashley, the guys don’t take to this tale like our saint JP did. They are pissed and they let our girl know.I wish one of them would pick her up (“OMG! I can’t believe you can carry ME!”) and throw her in the ocean.

Well at least one of them does, nah I wish. Although Mickey is the only one with some cojones (Blake breaks like a pencil under the pressure of Ashley’s cleavage). Mickey tells her to send him home and she’s like you can leave if you want so he’s like “sayonara sucker” and he’s out.

After everyone gets a chance to call out Ashley, she cries and runs into the judging arms of Chris Harrison. CH is all “what did you expect?” and Ashley gets her ugly cry on (Bentley did call it on that one). Her crying is HORRIBLE. She’s a hiccup crier which I think is the worst kind of on-screen crier. CH once again tells her to pull it together and it’s rose time.

Ashley makes her rose decision while we listen to the sweet sounds of the music they play when you get a massage. The difference is that normally I love this music because it means someone is rubbing away my stress, aches and pains. Tonight the music is only emphasizing the desperation and insecurity that is Ashley Hebert.

Ashley’s Boobs Give Roses To:
(Lucas, JP and Ryan already have roses)

  • Ben F.
  • Constantine

AND…

  • Ames

I’m pretty happy about this because it means we get at least one more week of Ames’ amazing facial expressions. Blake must pack up his dental gear (and his collection of pin stripe suits) and leave. Before heading out for good, he let’s us know that he “just wants a friend.” Well Blake, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of “friends” on Bachelor Pad.

Next week: The Hidden Jewel of Asia… Taiwan!

I’m happy we all survived another week of this trash. Tomorrow night I’ll be checking out the premier of Love in the Wild and I’ll be back on Thursday to recap it! What did you all think was the worst moment of this week’s episode?

Until then… stay tuned!

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· 11:26 am

Shut up! – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 6 Recap Part I

After watching last night’s episode, it is taking everything I have to write this blog post. We all know The Bachelorette is big on hyperbole. I do not think it is at all an exaggeration when I say that last night was the worst episode in the history of this franchise.

If you did not attempt to pull out your hair, assault your television or curse angrily towards the screen – then I’m not sure you are a living, breathing human. I’m guessing you are a sun-powered robot produced at the same factory as Ryan. As much as it pains me to do this, let’s recap this b**ch.

Obligatory Bentley-drama montage. I’ve recapped this montage I think 5 times now. I cannot bear to do it again. Although, if I didn’t mention that ridiculously cheesy shot of Ashley frozen on the streets on Hong Kong with the crowd moving in fast-forward behind her, I wouldn’t be doing my part in making fun of this show. Seriously, what the f was that? I’m thinking that the producers were so mind-numbingly bored while editing that they just threw this in there to give them something to do.

All the introspective Ashley shots involve her saying the words “dot dot dot” as many times as possible as I repeatedly bang my head against the wall, mumbling incoherently, praying for the punctuation discussions to end. Little did I know, I would never escape the “dot dot dot.” In a moment of sheer brilliance, Ashley explains to the viewing audience that a “dot dot dot” usually means “to be continued.” This is just in case you skipped 6th grade language arts and weren’t sure what ellipses meant.

Thankfully that ends and we’re at the hotel in Hong Kong when Chris Harrison stops by to see Ashley. He tries to hide his annoyance and hatred (At this point, I think Chris may hate Ashley more than all of us, which is seriously saying something) of Ashley while letting her know  that the King of the Douches is here. IN. THIS. HOTEL.

“SHUT UP!!!” Ashley says like a valley girl who just found out her best friend made out with her boy-friend at the prom after party. Or Like Regina George in this, one of my most favorite movie scenes of all time (yes, this season is so bad I have to add awesome movie clips to make writing a post bearable), except that Regina George is not retarded (her words not mine) like Ashley.

She yells this repeatedly and Chris is like “Chill the F out and stop telling me to shut up. I run this show.” He basically breaks it down that they flew el Jerko from Salt Lake all the way to Hong Kong so she can finally get over him and hopefully (fingers crossed!) stop mentioning in every one-on-one interview.

CH scribba scrabbas the number on a napkin and tells Ashley to handle her shit or he will. Then he is gone, like a thief in the night. Rather than playing some blatantly racist Chinese music, ABC leaves us with some artistic white noise so we can clear our heads before heading to commercial.

During this commercial break, Drew’s nice guy facade crumbles and he admits out loud that he “really doesn’t like Ashley” and that it was a horrible decision to pick her. Now it is official. Even nice people hate her and wish she wasn’t the Bachelorette. I am guessing if Michelle Money had been our girl, we would be LOVING this season.

So we’re back and Ashley heads down to Bentley’s room and then waits an eternity to knock. What the F are you waiting for? Just knock already! So Bentley and Ashley makes knock knock jokes for a minute and I consider leaping head first off my couch (i figure I’ll survive, just maybe be a little concussed like Ames).

Bentley opens the door and I immediately regret my decision to eat dinner while watching this episode. Literally, my body begins to physically reject me for watching this show. It is horrible.

This whole conversation is the epitome of Secondary Embarrassment. It’s like watching two 16-year-olds break-up. Except I imagine most 16 year-olds have a better grasp on reality than these two.

They talk in circles for about 5 minutes, mentioning every form of punctuation possible. Ashley says “dot dot dot” for the 39453509483583049583 time and Bentley decides they need to change that to a period. At this point, I yell “ENOUGH!” at my television and run out of the room to fight the urge to get physically ill.

No, I'm not on my period.

No but really, I sit and bear this awful conversation long enough to them to settle on putting a period on their relationship. With this I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. Thankfully it does, but not before Ashley acts Bentley why he came there instead of just calling. SERIOUSLY ASHLEY? How dumb are you? The free loader wanted to a free trip to Hong Kong. The frequent flier miles alone had to make it worth while.

Instead of saving any remaining shards of dignity, Ashley sits in awkward silence for a full minute before taking her loose blouse and stripper shoes back to her room.

We end knowing that Ashley got played. Hard. And despite telling America that she’s done with Bentley we all know that she’s not since she mentions him another 235983404953095 times this episode.

Date Time – Big Tex and Ashley in Downtown Hong Kong
Ames grabs the date card and despite his multiple Ivy league degrees, he still reads aloud like a 3rd grader with a stammer. He finally spits out that Lucas will be getting to spend some QT with Ashley.

Ryan is pissed (which is hard to tell when he is still smiling scarily) that Big Tex stole his one-on-one date but then he sees the sun and is over it.

It’s date time and Ashley has, once again, found a loose blouse, some tight pants and stripper shoes to wear to wander, once again, a market. Markets cannot be the only tourist attraction in Asia. Can’t they do ANYTHING ELSE? Does Hong Kong not have any helicopters? I know they have sky scrapers to rappel off of. The lack of originality makes me think the producers have thrown in the towel on this season too.

Ashley asks Big Tex if it feels like they’re in New York. Um, nope Ashley. There are about a million Chinese people around me and everything is written in an entirely different alphabet. So no. She follows up that gem of a question with the captain obvious comment, “Look at the street market, people are selling things.” Yup Ashley, that’s usually what happens at a street market.

Boring Boring Boring. Then it’s on to dinner but not before Ashley tells us she hasn’t thought about Bentley at all. Really? Then why are you still talking about him? Ugh.

Lucas tells Ashley she’s not the kind of girl he would normally date (score one for honesty) and that the hardest thing he’s been through is the Big D and he don’t mean Dallas.

Back at the ranch, the dudes fight about who will get the one-on-one date and Ames steps up to wear the required plaid shirt. I think that if someone isn’t wearing plaid at all times on this show that the Earth will tilt off its axis or something that could lead to a nuclear winter.

Date card comes and Ben F. grabs it and reads like an adult that Ryan, Mickey, he and his twin, Ames and Blake will be going on the group date where they will get their hearts racing. Blake is pissed that JP gets the one-on-one because his hotness is “definitely a front-runner.” Well yeah, have you seen the guy?

Back on the pirate ship, Ashley gives a lame attempt at suspense but hands the rose over while confirming her insecurity by thanking him for accepting it. The date ends with some open-mouth kissing, some dancing to the music of their hearts, some more slobbery, wet, horribly embarrassing kisses and more hyperbole – “This was the most romantic night of my life.”

End Scene.

I’m going to take a break here but I’ll be back later with more on the twins racing debut, Ashley’s love of crop tops  and sweet, sweet JP.

Until then…stay tuned!

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June 21, 2011 · 4:28 pm

Adventures in Insecurity – The Bachelorette Season 7 Episode 5 Recap Part II

And we’re back. Sorry to split this episode up but I had to take care of some business. Now I’m back to the important stuff. Like which desperate wannabe Ashley will send packing.

Rolling on a River.

Two-on-one time people. Are you ready? Two men will enter. It’s up to our girl Ash to decide how many will leave (well at least one but that’s no guarantee). Ashley has a soft spot in her heart for the two-on-one as she survived this disaster of a dating scheme last season. And by survived, I mean sent her bestie home crying. I’m looking at you Ashley S. 

For this date ABC combined two classic fan favorites – the elephant/jungle date and the two-on-one. Classic. Who doesn’t love the jungle date? Isn’t it where Brad and Emily cemented (actually like rubber cemented) their love last season. Elephant riding = reality romance. (After I wrote that, I realized how dirty it sounds. Totally unintentional so I am leaving it.)

So this date is a show down between the Muppet Lookalike (Ben C.) and the Muppet Act-alike (William. I just made that work up. You like it). Does anyone else think that William has put on a few lbs. over the course of filming. Is he this season’s kool-aid man  Chantal?

So William is up front pouting and rowing while Ashley and Ben C. spend some quality time on the back of the raft. During this time, William is scheming about things he can do to make himself appear cooler (not many options there) and/or ruin Ben’s chances of getting the rose. You can almost see the Grinch-like smile spread across his face when he devises his dating website plan.

This plan comes from the same cell-phone salesman that is Mystery Man #1 on Bachelor Pad. Yup, you read that right. William will be joining the cast and bringing his tourettets-style mix of self-love and self-hate to the BP. Better start preparing yourself now.

While the two guys row, Ashley talks about how cool this is while also wondering aloud how the two guys are strong enough to row her down the river.

The ride ends and it’s awkward picnic time. Ben C. decides to leave William and Ashley alone to take a quick nap. Little does he know that will be the last nap he ever takes… on The Bachelorette.

William?

William does one of the most annoying things I think any human can ever do. The ‘ole “I don’t want to throw [Insert Name] under the bus but [proceed to throw them immediately under the bus].” This technique also works with the phrase “No offense but…” Whatever you’re going to say after but is most certainly going to be offensive.

With the bus fast approaching, William throws Ben underneath and tells Ashley that our boy Benny is telling all the dudes how hyped up he is to troll the internet dating sites when he gets home. Um, really? Like seriously? First off, I am no big fan of Ben C’s looks (I only have eyes for JP) but come on – this guy can for sure get action by just showing up at a bar and saying he was on The Bachelorette. Wouldn’t that be a more effective use of his time rather than sitting alone at his computer weeding out the ugly’s and stalkers on Match.com?

Because this show has turned this otherwise intelligent and confident girl (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here) into a bumbling ball of insecurity and anxiety she takes the bait. Hook Line Sinker.

Ashley is having none of it (in between her anxiety induced panic attacks and stomach pains).  She’s all like “Aw hell no” and stomps over to that blanket. She’s giving Ben the business and he just looks half asleep/half surprised. Ben is clearly caught off guard but doesn’t really seem all that disappointed. Maybe mildly bummed at best. I think he was just sad that he wasn’t going to get to travel the far east (we’re not supposed to call it that anymore are we?) anymore.

William is standing in the background quietly gloating about his evil plan – thinking that this leaves him in the clear. Little goes he know that roses can be set on fire.

Ben sails off into the jungle. He goes quietly and with dignity (sounds like the copy for a hospice ad). I’m sure he’ll be back home, macking on Bachelorette groupies in no time (take that William!).

William has no idea that giving your massively insecure date a panic attack is not the way to her heart and thinks he’s in the clear. I really dislike William and his skeezy, cocky attitude. While the two of them traipse through the jungle on their elephants, I wonder out loud what a girl has to do to get Ames on this date. (yeah, it’s come to that)

We move on to the dinner portion of the date. Ashley has borrowed a dress from a Thai prostitute which was hand sewn out of the hide of a drag-queen tiger. I mean really. This dress is horrible. Almost as horrible as William.

I am getting really tired of Williams tired doofy nice guy routine. Thankfully, it appears Ashley is as well. For once Ashley doesn’t look excited at all to be on a date. It looks like she may be asleep, I point this out to Drew and find that he has actually fallen asleep. Yup, that’s what happens when you don’t invite Ames on every date.

When does Bachelor Pad start filming?

I’ve officially decided that I dislike William more than Bentley (I didn’t think it was possible) when Ashley sends he’s 30-year-old kid ass home. She burns that rose like nobody’s business and decides to call it a night.

In a moment of classic SE, William doesn’t take his marching orders happily and cries his way into the sunset. This Columbus-bred cell-phone slanger is a self-proclaimed loser and jackass (who can disagree). It appears that our boy has a bit of a split personality. One minute he is telling the world that he hung the moon, the next moment he is telling us all that he is a giant piece of s**t (I’m agreeing with the latter). I’m hoping there is someone on the Bachelor Pad who is making sure William is taking his meds and staying in his happy place.

Ashley ruins her moment of guts and glory by sinking back into her pit of self-loathing and insecurity and we finally escape from this heart of darkness.

Rose ceremony.

Well at least Ashley has one thing going for her, she finally found a cute dress (see I said dress not long blouse). To continue our pattern of tumultuous rose ceremonies, the producers stage  Mother Nature makes it rain.

A few well-timed thunder claps let us know how serious she when she asks the guys to be true to themselves (i.e.- tell her they’re not digging on her so she can send their sorry asses home).

Since Ryan knows just what a desperate, insecure girl needs to hear, he grabs her and makes sure she knows how he’s “totally into her.” Totally.

Constantine pulls Ashley aside to let her know that his shirt matches his eye shadow and to remind her that he’s not Ben F. I like Constantine. It is nice to know that at least one person on this show isn’t a robot. He may be boring but at least he isn’t a giant phony. It’s official, I am a fan of this Geico Caveman/Jason Schwartman/Josh Groban/Ben F. lookalike.

Side Note: Do you think Constantine and Ben F. look at each other and wonder how the ABC producers found their Doppelgangers?

It’s at this point that I want to fast forward through all of Ashley’s insecurity. I wish a little warning ticker would come across the bottom of the screen (like during thunderstorms) and let us know when she’s about to spout off about how no one likes her.

On to JP TIME aka SEXY TIME. I heart him. You know she just wans to jump his bones (can you blame her?). Ashley acts all  goofy and weird around JP though. Look Bia, if you are thinking about Bentley while looking into JP’s dreamy eyes, you have some serious problems.  If you say Bentley one more time and ruin an on-screen moment with JP, I am going to come smack you all the way back to Salt Lake City.

Ashley sits down with CH to break it down and by break it down, I mean can’t keep crazy under control. She’s been anxious thinking of Bentley non stop. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t even want to tell CH about it. She knows he is judging her along with the rest of the world. I wish CH would lean across the coffee table and knock her backwards in her chair. Maybe then she would realize what an idiot she is.

Chris Harrison stands up for the dudes and is like bitch, get your shit together. CH is PISSED. You can tell he is so annoyed with her. Thankfully CH is playing the role of the American Viewing Public. Way to represent . He is like “how the hell do we end this? How do we get you to stop acting crazy?” More importantly how do we get you both to never say “dot dot dot” again?

Chris tells Crazy No Pants to get her s**t straight, there is a rose ceremony to attend to.

Get it together.

Behind Chris Harrison’s back Ashley blabbers on about Bentley. At this point Drew even says “I hope I never hear her say Bentley’s name again.” We all know that is not going to happen but I appreciate the sentiment. That’s why I married him – he knows when chicks are acting all whack and crazy (and mostly because he’ll watch trashy reality tv with me. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – it’s the little things in life).

Rose Time: 

Blake and Ben F. already have stems. One dude is packing up. Who will it be? Cue the sad “Thai” music (is there a pandora station for that?)

Side Note: Does Ames know where he is right now? More importantly, does Wall Street know where Ames is right now and what this dentist is doing to him? Who is keeping our economy afloat while Ames is looking for love? Who is babysitting the stock market? Is this why are economy is going down the tank? Get this man back on WALL STREET! Stat!

  • Constantine
  • Lucas
  • JP
  • Ames (“I have no clue who I am or wear I am. But yes, I will accept the flower from the pretty midget.”)
  • Mickey

Last rose time. Who will it be? I’m hoping Nick but I know that won’t happen.

  • Ryan harnesses the power of the Sun and snags the last rose.

Unfortunately for me Nick is sent packing. I wish he would be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad but apparently it’s not in the cards for him.

Nick says goodbye to love but hello to mindless hook ups and $2500 per appearance fees.

Now on to a subject I wish we were not discussing. The return of Bentley. They’ve been dragging this crap out since he left (2 episodes ago!!!!). I am 100% officially pissed at ABC. STOP IT!!!!!!  I thought he was gonna be back this episode, you jerks are making this drag out a whole other episode. I am pissed. You’ve done it this time producers. If I have to look at this turds ugly mug after next weeks episode, I am going to …. well, I’m not going to do anything but rant about how mad I am at you on my blog. So there.

The only saving grace is that is looks like the remainder of the guys stage a revolt and make Ashley feel like poo. Serves her (and the show) right. These previews just gave me hope for some sort of entertainment next week (and at least Ames will be there).

So save that Pepto. You’ll be needing it next week now.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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· 11:14 am

Dizzy But Good. -The Bachelorette Epsiode 5 Recap

Let’s all start this Tuesday by giving Ames a big round of applause. Well done young man. You have officially saved this season from the depths of despair (and boredom). Your make love not war attitude and concussed cocktail persona are a god send. Well done.

Now that we’ve got that out-of-the-way we can proceed with our regularly scheduled recaps.

But I don't want to fight.

We kick off with, what else, a montage. You may have thought you were you free of Bentley montages. You were wrong. More dot dot dots and periods, in case you had forgotten how punctuation had ruined their love affair.

Once you’ve had your fill of looking at Bentley’s ugly mug it’s on to the Chang Mai preview. Basically the producers are letting us know that shit gets real in Thailand. We’re fighting, burning roses and acting insecure for attention. Let’s do this. Chang Mai here we come.

The dudes hit the road and are all amped up to check out another city (Ames told them this place is nice. He’s been there twice). We know they’re traveling because it’s home video time. I sometimes wish that the brahs were allowed to use their video camera all the time (I think later this episode we learn they are but we just don’t get to see enough of it). I think there needs to be an additional episode, maybe before “After the Final Rose” where we get to see their greatest home video hits.

Ames tells us that Chang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love and we believe him because he knows everything and is vastly superior to us all. It’s got monks and temples so why wouldn’t it be perfect for love. I’m going to take Ames’ word for it because I’m just not seeing the correlation.

Chris Harrison pops on the scene, all cleaned up and in khaki, ready to show the dudes their new place and read them the rules (wait, i thought there were no rules. I’m so confused).  The guys are bunking up at the Mandarin Oriental, which I must say it pretty swanky. I know this because Drew and I got our honeymoon on at the Mandarin in Mexico (I know, we’re fancy like that. Okay, not really). And like the dudes on The Bachelorette, we got the hook-up and didn’t pay full-price (that’s how we roll).

During the Real World-style house exploration, I notice that one of our bachelors is wearing manpri’s (men + capri’s = not good/manpri’s). Who is it you ask? I was thinking it would probably be JP (c’mon, he’s a hipster) but thankfully my love remains intact for him. Rather it was Mickey rocking the manpri’s. Didn’t know he had it in him. Must be a huge Nadal fan.

Bro fives ensure because this place is so rad. But the high-fiving abruptly ends when CH breaks it down and drops the two-on-one date bomb. Yup, we’re at that episode. The always awkward two-on-one.  Ashley knows all about this set-up. She survived her own total elimination challenge date with plaid Brad. Hopefully it won’t disappoint (we all know it does, but for excitement sake, I had to include this).

Me paint pretty.

Ashley meanders over to the house (taking in all the romantic sights and sounds) in her top-as-dress get-up. Okay Ashley, I know you are skinny. I’ll give it to you that you have amazing stems but enough with the tops as dresses routine. Where are the pants the stylists put out for you to wear? Do you just hide them under the bed hoping no one will notice? This aggression will not stand.  (Yup I just snuck Clueless and The Big Leobowski references in that paragraph. What about it?)

Ben F. scores the first one-on-one date (that Ryan wanted REAL bad). Forecast: 100% chance of kissing.

So Ashley is REALLY excited (that is until she realizes that it’s Ben on this date and not Constantine), she tells us so like 19349 so I believe her. And who wouldn’t be excited to get picked up in an itty bitty scooter taxi (“OMG! I can’t believe this scooter taxi can carry me!).

Since Ashley doesn’t want to make the twins jealous of each other, she takes Ben on the exact same date as Constantine. Except this time, instead of getting fortunes from old Thai convenience store workers, Ben and Ashley get the scoop from an umbrella painter. Ashley knows how much Ben likes to do bad paintings of jungle animals, so she buys him a paper umbrella to ruin. They talk about how much fun they’re having (could have fooled me) and then head off on a little stroll. Here’s where s**t gets awkward.

The two of them head over to a bench outside a temple and stare at each other. Then this conversation occurs:

Ashley: “I’m so glad you came.”
Ben: “I’m so glad you invited me.” (said in really weird, 13-year-old puberty voice)

Are they serious? Um, Ashley did you really think Ben was gonna be like “Nah, I don’t really want to go on this date. Tell Ashley I ain’t coming.”

I yell at the TV while Ben F. gratuitously compliments Ashley off camera. If only Ashley could hear how amazing you think her eye lids are. (These are the things insecure girls need to hear.)

Mental Open Mouth Kissing. Woof.

As the pair act all googly-eyed, Ashley tells Ben that there is no kissing allowed in front of the temple (for once, a rule I can get behind). So Daphne and Fred just gaze into each other’s eyes and do a MENTAL KISS. No seriously, I didn’t make that up. They really said that. I forget who proposed engaging in a mental kiss, but it happened. And my life has been forever changed for the worse.

To make matters worse, Ashley “rarrs” like a cat into the camera and talks about wanting to jump on Ben. This whole exchange makes me want to jump off my mantle (it’s not too far, just enough to kinda hurt). It appears that these two cannot fight the urge to act like 12-year-olds on their first date of all time when they are together.

The dinner portion of the date begins with Ashley sporting a paisley capri jumpsuit. I hope no one is looking to purchase that and that Possessionista can sit this one out.

We know this part of the date is special because ABC is playing the special romantic music. They are really pulling out all the stops on this one with the candles and flowers. I think they’re putting their money on one of the cavemen to win.

Ashley looks like she’s about to fall asleep the whole meal (mental kissing really takes it out of you) especially when she hears her 24th sob story about a dead relative. I thinking having a dead or alcoholic/abusive  mom/dad/significant other was a requirement on this season.

She perks up when Ben starts talking about his vineyard, making sure to sound both innocent and slutty at the same time when asking him if she can help make wine with him (was that supposed to be a double entendre that i missed?)

We’re all bored to tears as Ben talks about letting his walls down and his inner Scooby out.

So we break up the boring with the Group Date reveal back at the pad.

The Group Date goes to (please, pretty pretty please let William be on the two-on-one) Constantine, Ames, Nick, Lucas, Ryan, JP and Mickey. These lads will be fighting for Ashley’s love.

This means Ben C. and William (yes! send that cell-phone selling sucker home!)  will duke it out on the two-on-one

Back on the Mystery Machine.

Ashley is  struggling to not fall asleep in her dinner plate when Ben drops a well-timed wink. Since I am openly a sucker for a good wink, I like Ben a little more now. Scooby may have won me over with that move. Ashley is clearly a sucker for a good wink too since she jumps up and snags him the rose.

This is what love looks like.

The date ends with some Thai dancing, epic music and open mouth kissing. (Do dates on this show end any other way?)

Ben tells us he has puppy dog love for Ashley and we all groan at the TV. We know Scooby Doo. You went ruh-roh on the last episode. We get it.

On to the Fight Date.

Group Date, party time, excellent.

The dentist is ready to get his fight on (and help put teeth back in after they’ve been knocked out).

I’m a little afraid for everyone other than Nick. That dude is huge and a personal trainer. Which dude is going to be like “Nah bro, I don’t like her that much. I don’t want to get the s**t beat out of me just to win this insecure chick’s heart for a few weeks.”

So we find out the guys will be Muay Thai boxing which translates to “beating the hell out of one another.”

Most of the dudes are hype to get their fight on while Ashley is excited (duh) to look for the masculinity in these guys (that could be a little difficult).

Ames introduces himself to his 70-year-old trainer  like he’s meeting a toddler. And when you think about it, everyone is a toddler mentally compared to Ames. But seriously, if someone can find video of this or any other of Ames’ awesome moments, please send it over. It is at this moment that Ames takes the reigns and saves this show from itself.

Side note: I think this date is just a chance for ABC to show every guy without a shirt. I also think Ben C. and William got the two-on-one because their abs could not compete on this date.

We learn that Ames has never been in a fight in his life. This is apparent when, while training he kicks the bag and proceeds to fall flat on his ass (falling is always funny. I literally laughed out loud and then rewound this part like 5 times). If that didn’t clue you in, him taking punches to the face from a 70-year-old man with 8 teeth was another indicator.

Suit up to defeat evil. (ABC/DAVE HAGERMAN)

It’s time to gear up and the Power Rangers head over to pick out their favorite colors. No surprise that Ames is the pink power ranger. When he grabs the pink gear, we also know that Ames is the one who gets the crap beat out of him and has to go to the hospital (thank you over-dramatic previews).

I want to be mad that I know the outcome but then I realize that the producers knew that it’s not about the outcome but the journey. And Ames’ journey is epic. Thank you for putting together the best segment of the entire season. Thank you thank you thank you.

The guys head over to a public square (dang, you all aren’t kidding around). I am guessing that the Thai onlookers are betting on which Backstreet Boy goes down first. Before getting underway, Ames (our resident Wikipedia) let’s us know that Thai boxing is brutal. Yup Ames, this isn’t going to end well for you.

Side Note: What’s the deal with having the dudes fight on The Bachelorette? They did this with oil wrestling on Ali’s season. I think they need to stop discriminating and do a fighting date on The Bachelor too.

Wax on Wax off people. It’s on.

Fight 1 – Blake vs Lucas. Pretty well matched. Decent fight. Some good punches but nothing too brutal (wouldn’t want to ruin their pretty faces).
Dentist Wins!
I’ll give it to Blake, he looks pretty hot right after that fight. I’m thinking he should stop geling his hair and dressing like a wedding DJ and he could be a hottie.

Fight 2 – Mickey vs JP. JP’s a little nervous (and I am a little nervous for him). The fight starts and Ashley says “I’m cringing when I see Mickey throw punches at JP.” Yeah you and the rest of the women in America Ashley. This fighting thing was your idea (I know it wasn’t but I am going to blame this one on you). It doesn’t look good for our boy JP and then all of a sudden, he gets a burst of energy and goes off on Mickey.
JP Wins! Ladies of the world rejoice! We also learn that JP is Jewish (who knew?) so you know some nice Jewish girl is going to snatch him up if Ashley doesn’t. Watch out Ashley, Long Island is watching you.

Fight 3 – Ames vs. Ryan. The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Can the Hunchback of Notre Dame take down Prince Charming? Will good defeat evil? Not when a guy takes this stance on fighting “My take on physical violence, is that there is always another way.” Sorry Ames, not this time. The only way to Ashley’s heart is through a beat down by Ryan.

This fight of Fairy Tale proportions is a doozy. Ames turns out to be the worst fighter in the history of the world. But to redeem himself he is the best on-camera fighter of all time. Did you see those twirls? Those half-kicks? The dancing away from Ryan?This fight is single-handedly the best scene of this season. It’s all over too quickly though (that’s what she said!) when Ames takes a shot to the head and throws his hands up in surrender. Wait, I thought he gets carted out of here? That’s it?

Ames wobbles out of the ring and Ashley halfheartedly tells him he did so good. At least Mickey gets it right when he says Ames got his bell rung. The general consensus at this point is that something’s not right. Did they just now notice that Ames has a wonky eye? You guys, he’s fine. He always looks like that.

Fight 4 – Nick vs Constantine. This fight (which had the potential to be amazing) gets ruined by Ames and his poor fighting ability. We hardly see any of it. Just enough to know that Constantine wins (how did that happen?)

S**t is not right with Ames and he is escorted out in his pink trunks. I almost feel bad for the guy. But then I realize that he is way smarter and richer than me and that he’ll be fine. Ames gets carted out while the rest of the dudes stand around shirtless like they’re about to shoot a firemen calendar.

Where is Ames?

Ames getting his bell rung is the least exciting way this whole thing could turn out. I thought this was gonna be some serious s**t not just a concussion. (I know, I know, a concussion is serious too but you know what I mean, some stitches or something that requires a cast.) How emasculated is he right now – he can’t fight, he’s in pink and a 78 lb dancer is telling him it will be alright.

Despite this set back, the cocktail party must go on and so Ashley finds another top to wear as a dress. At least this time she pairs it with some nearly invisible shorts.

Ashley is recapping the date and I want to jump through the TV and smack her. How did she not know this date would be brutal? Even Drew wants to shake her and admonishes her for clearly not understanding guys very well (I want to tell him DUH! she’s on a reality tv dating show because she can’t figure out guys in real life, but I let it go). I will agree though that getting 8 guys together to do Thai Martial Arts in a quest to win your love isn’t going to end with rainbows and puppy dogs. It’s going to end with concussions and black eyes.

There’s no Ames here and I wonder if that is a blessing or a curse. Last episode – blessing. This episode – curse.

Ashley says there is a black cloud on this date (cue the Thunder) and Ryan steps in with his super Sun skills ready to make it shine. This heart to heart is ruined when Ames wobbles back on the scene. (I also like how one of the guys stood up for Ames and said that he could rock pink shorts. Am I getting soft? Yes.)

A “dizzy but good” Ames is ready to mingle fully equipped with his standard model pearly whites, perfect tan, loafers and sport coat. Ames knew this cocktail party was headed downhill so he’s brought his awkwardness back for our viewing pleasure.

I was down but I'm not out.

He and Ashley sit down and it’s clear that this concussion has left Ames with a temporary speech impediment. Despite his inability to form a sentence, Ashley gushes all over him and I swear he will get the rose. That is until he offers her an uncomfortable hand shake. C’mon Ames. You know better than that.

Back at the Mandarin. William is getting drunk and making fun of Ben C. Classy William. Real Classy. Does anyone else hate him? William breaks out the “who has two thumbs” routine and I leave the room to vomit.

The single greatest moment on this show happens next. Ashley says how great Ames looks and asks the other guys if they can believe he’s sitting there. Lucas says “You look great man.” To which Ames responds with an epic “thanks man.” As I write this I realize you really have to see it/hear it to appreciate it. So check out the 4:58 mark of this video. Feel free to check out the Ames section beforehand too. It really is fabulous.

Ames has, on his own, made this the best episode of the season. I wanted to get rid of him for a while but now I am hoping, praying, dancing for the gods that he stays. I have laughed out loud at least 3 times this episode. I was doubting this show and Ames has brought me back.

Back to the alone time. We find out Blake is the male Ashley. All dentisty and full of insecurity.

All I needed was some open mouth affirmation.

Rich oil Lucas teaches Ashley how to golf. This is just an excuse for her to act slutty and put her booty next to his crotch. I ask Drew if i could golf in the shoes Ashley is wearing. He says that I sound like Ames while he keeps watching the awkward flirting. As the sexy golf lesson continues, I ask Drew when I am getting one of those and he says not never. Good to know.

This awkward exchange between Drew and I ends (sorry if I was just giving you SE – sometimes I want to remind you what it’s like) when Lucas calls Ashley out about Bentley and she breaks out in nervous hives.

Ashley finally realizes that her initial instinct was ful of poo and that Bentley is a pile of dog shit. At least that’s what I am hoping she realizes.

Rose time…

Side note: Nick is this season’s big boobs Ali and/or heart-shaped earrings Britt.

Ashley understands how insecure dentists can be so she gives the rose to Blake. I’m thinking that Ashley just wants to start a family dental practice with Blake. Who knows? But Blake is feeling reaffirmed and waxes poetic about how awesome it will be to tell his kids about the start of their love story in Chang Mai.

This re-cap is getting a little long (blame or thank Ames for that) so I am going to take a break. I promise to be back with the second half of the recap shortly. In the mean time, go back to that video and check out the priceless shots of Ames on this date. He seriously has no idea where he is and I love it. Way to redeem the season Ames.

Until part two… stay tuned.

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