Tag Archives: arie

“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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“My Wish. To Not Be Single Forever.” A Love Story by Emily Maynard. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4 Recap

And we’re back. From the previews, it looks like The Bachelorette may be about to get her groove back. Tongue kissing, cheesy dates, narcissistic dudes, man fights, competitions, douche bags. I like where we’re heading but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Disappointment is the worst.

But before we can get there, CH is at the MANsion in one of Brad’s hand me down plaids (p.s. – why are there so many buttons on that shirt?). It’s rule time (c’mon are the guys so dense that they don’t get what’s going to happen each week. Or worse, is it for us? Oh lord). Blah, blah blah… individual, group and wait… what…. two on one you say? So soon? I need to mentally prepare.

There’s no time for that though, we’re packing up this little abode we snagged for you all to live in. Yeah, yeah, yeah we were only here for like 3 weeks but it’s world tour time. Let’s go to Bermuda (the closest Caribbean island to North Carolina). Bro-Fives for everyone!

Why did I agree to this? (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

If you thought little Ricky wasn’t coming on tour, you are sadly mistaken. Ricky is there ready to soak up the sun and judge dudes by Mama’s side. Emily is hype to be in Bermuda since it’s just like her, “pink and cute.” Here’s hoping next time she’s there she’s with her husband and “pregnant pushing a baby stroller.” C’mon Em, It’s time to chill on the baby talk. At least give it a couple more episodes.

We cut out just in time to catch the gang of douchebags invade Bermuda on scooters ready to start a war for love. After pillaging the local CVS of all its hair gel, it’s date card time.

“Doug, Let Our Senses Lead the Way.”

It’s going to be a parents day out on the islands. BOR-ING. (I can say that, I’m a parent. I’m not trying to watch people do the same lame things I do on vacation. I’m trying to watch people do extreme sports while pretending to fall in love.) Doug does some standard boasting while Alejandro reminds us that he didn’t get kicked off last week (it’s hard to tell).

While Doug talks about how great it is to be a Dad, Arie is hoping that Doug is first of the bicep buddies to take a hike, “Let’s disband the football team.” Oh Arie.

Here’s where things get fun. So Doug has played the whole great guy thing to a tee but the guys aren’t buying it and know exactly how to push his buttons. I love it. Doug doesn’t. So he proves he’s a real man by getting bleeped a good 10 times in a row. You did it Doug!

Side note: Cheers to the producers for included the roast of Doug. Loved it. Also, how many v-neck tees were in that room?

Before the date, Arie sneaks in one last dig on Doug (even if it is off-camera), “Doug is like The Hulk. Doug Angry. Doug Smash. Doug Sad.” Love love love it.

I don’t love how much Emily gushes on Doug, he’s just “so nice and so good looking.” And so boring. He’s like Brad 2.0.

Despite that, Emily says there’s no one she’d rather spend the day with. Doesn’t she say that about everyone on every date?

But then the date starts and I understand why she’d want to spend this day with Doug… it’s boring. They buy tchotchke at a local shop, they make perfume, they hang with the locals. Before heading home for a movie and falling asleep on the couch by 9:30, they stop to send a post card to Austin. Oh and hear Doug talk about being a dad and being awesome and loving the world. Umm hmm, he started his own charity. That happened. “Of course you did,” says Emily and I thank her for saying exactly what I was thinking.

Back to the postcard though, “What kid doesn’t want a postcard from his dad…” and the chick he went on TV to pursue and compete against 20 other dudes to win her love. So sweet.

Oh and one more thing, I forgot to mention Doug confiding about the incident with the guys earlier. Notice, I said GUYS.

Doug tells Emily she walked in after, ” I had just scolded all the boys.” Really Doug? The boys? Give me a break. They’re not your kids (well, other than Alejandro).

After sending Austin their love, they take a stroll through the moon gate. According to Emily, the moon gate “is where married people and like people on their honeymoon and like people in love walk through and like make a wish about love.” Beautiful.

Emily’s wish: “To not be single forever.”
Doug’s wish: “To find a tee-shirt that fits.”

Break Time.

Back with the Bros, it’s time to find out who gets the group date and who’s left for the 2-on-1 option.

Emily picks all the standards and leaves the scraps for the elimi-date. Alejandro, Nate (who?), John and um… someone else are left.

Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be heading out on the high seas with Emily.

Before we get to the dinner portion of our date, does anyone else think Doug looks like this dog?

Oh I know, the dog is more interesting and has WAY more personality. But on looks alone – twins right?

So it’s dinner time and and Doug confesses that he loved sending a postcard to Austin. The only bummer is that Doug will be back at home when Austin receives it.

Emily decides to get down to business and lets Doug know she’s not buying the whole great guy act. So “what would your ex-girlfriends say about you?” Here’s where you’ll want to reach through your TV and smack him. His answers, “that I spent too much time with my son” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” SERIOUSLY? Get real.

Emily isn’t buying it until the tables are turned and her response (get ready again) “I’m sensitive, stubborn” and I do this really annoying thing with my mouth (okay, I added that). Oh yeah and she “doesn’t work out and wears PJ’s in public.” BLECH.

Here, let me try. I’m bossy, dismissive, rude, sarcastic, obnoxious…” should I go on?

Some more blah blahs and then it’s supposed to be kissing time but Doug gets all neeeerviious and can’t go through with the deed. Clearly he hasn’t kissed a girl since knocking up his baby momma. Emily clearly is annoyed and sits there waiting for Doug to use his overly pink lips to plant an open mouth smooch. But good ole Doug uses his grand pappy’s reasonin’ and decides Emily will let him know if she wants a kiss. Lame.

End Scene.

Would it be bad if I wished they both capsized?

Before we dive into this date can we talk about what the guys are wearing? Is there is a stylist that is providing them with a uniform that consists of prepypy shorts, hoody or fisherman sweater over a henley (sweater optional on dudes with giant biceps) and Toms? So So So many Toms. (It’s for the kids.)

It’s sailing time boys. After a quick lesson (“it’s called a boom cause when it hits you it goes boom.” Ah, I wish. A girl can dream), it’s time to compete. I think it’s well known that I LOVE a competition date – although admittedly it’s better when the girls compete since they’re all craaaa-zy.

Before we can get down to action though, it’s time to find out who’s got the date of doom. (p.s. – Why is Doug’s mouth always so red? It’s like he always just finished a popsicle. Okay, okay – it’s cause he wears lipstick.)

Two on One Date Card time. It’s John “The Wolf” and Nate -  “Let’s explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.”

So the guys split up and it’s the Muscles (Chris, Charlie, Travis, Sean) vs. The Little Misses (Kalon, Jef, Ryan, Arie).

Side note: Doesn’t Travis look like one of the guys in Rascal Flatts?

Race Summary: Muscles heads out to an early start, they get over confident and the little ladies come up from behind and seal the win.

No drama and no craziness make me a little sad. Oh well, at least we get to see the muscles hang their head in defeat on the short bus back to the hotel.

It’s Party Time and once again, the guys are all dressing from the same suitcase.

“Aren’t I Pretty? Come on, you know I’m a pretty man.” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

The always humble Ryan  shares his thoughts thinking that we care, “I’m athletic, I’m good looking and I’m a catch.” You’re also a douche Ryan. But that’s neither here nor there especially when the rest of the guys are heading back to the hotel – filled with shame and regret. So much so that Charlie is crying. C’mon buddy. There’s no crying (for dudes) on The Bachelorette (ha ha, yeah right. Who am i kidding? There’s so much crying for dudes).

Here’s a run down of the after party.

After Ryan toasts to Emily – “his future trophy wife” (don’t even get me started) – she heads off for some alone time with Arie. Up until this VERY moment, Arie was my favorite but after this exchange he may be a leeeetle too feminine for my liking. Maybe he just gets caught up in the cheesiness. I’ll give him a pass this one time.

Next up is Jef. Emily packs up her slanket and heads to Jef’s corner of the beach.  He composes a hit pop tune and sings it to her by the bonfire. Ah, I wish. Instead his hair blows manically in the wind. Clealy Jef got the bottom of the barrel afterthe CVS hair gel raid. Seriously, someone get him some styling putty STAT.

“Are you my mother?” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

Despite the ‘do and the fact that he looks like a 9-year-old boy, Emily is smitten. (WHY WHY WHY?) So smitten that she is all bummed out when he doesn’t go in for the kiss (and spoil his first kiss with a real girl while his hair is messy – NEVER!).

Back inside, Ryan is combing his hair, reciting motivational quotes and looking at himself in the mirror. WOOF. He takes a break from his busy self-adulation schedule to sit down with Emily where he repeats ad nauseum, “We’d have pretty children.” Seriously, someone please just put him (and us) out of our misery.

Other notable lines, “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” and anything to do with her post-baby weight. The only thing positive about Ryan is that he brings out Emily’s sassy southern side which we get to see after his scolding about kissing Arie. Even Emily knows this is whack and is all “Woah woah woah Judgy MdJudgerson – slow your roll.” (Okay maybe she said it a little differently but you get the point.)

Side note: Is Kalon even on this date? I think he was too busy knitting fisherman sweaters to spend time with Emily.

The group date rose once again goes to Jef and what does the little boy get as a reward? Well a fireworks show of course!

Total Elimination Challenge. The Two on One. The Wolf vs. The CPA

After a quick swim with Ricky, Emily is ready for the worst date of her life. “It makes me really sad that one of these guys is going to get lost at sea.” It makes me really sad to think about the secondary embarrassment I’m about to endure. Especially since this date will involve a boat. The most cruel form of break-up transportation.

This date goes by quick (I think they were trying to spare us). They head off an a yacht to an island where they partake in a little ocean fun before cruising back for dinner in a cave (yes, you read that right and yes, this seems like an exact replica of a date on Brad’s season). All three of them continuously talk about how much fun when we all know that on the inside their soul is slowly dying.

Dinner kicks off with a toast to ” a great night.” LIES!

Only to be followed up with what may go down as the most uncomfortable comment in Bachelorette history, “Is that Quinoa?” Yes, Nate it is Quinoa. I know you’re hunting for things to talk about but really quinoa? This conversation lasts entirely too long since by the time it’s over I’m hiding inside my son’s toy box asking if it’s safe to come out.

They split up for individual talks and despite Nate’s tears, he doesn’t get the rose. That goes to the Wolf Man John who is surprisingly normal, mildly charming and pretty good looking. New favorite perhaps?

Nate lingers slightly too long at the table before Emily gives him the boot. He rides off on the dinghy of shame back to wherever he came from. Nate – you left with dignity and I respect that. I’ll even overlook the last minute tears effort.

We don’t get anymore footage of the date so it appears John has been abandoned in a cave. At least he has three full meals to get him through the night.

Ricky, Will you accept this rose?

I’m going to go off topic for a second and humor my ADD train of thought. So do you think Ricky’s pals and her play “Bachelorette” at sleep overs? Maybe like with their teddy bears or dolls or whatever they play with? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking that Ricky ALWAYS gets to be The Bachelorette.

It looks like the Mommy & Me hang out pre-rose ceremony is now a weekly tradition. I like it. Once Ricky masters the blue spelling list, Momma Bear is out to conquer her list.

It’s party time which has me wishing they’d turn off Ryan’s mic. I mean really – haven’t we heard enough of him already? He is seriously destined for Bachelor Pad. No more, no less. (And ps – I wrote this before Ryan’s little revelation.)

Emily’s ready to spice things up and by spice things up, I mean wear a jump suit.

First up – Ale(jandro not ssandro – that gypsy is long gone). Ale’s a little too young for Emily. Despite that (and his large diamond earring), he seems genuine and sufficiently charming. Here’s hoping he gets to hang around another week instead of some of these fools.

And then I see it. WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH JEF. Are you serious with those socks? Why are you dressed for your kindergarden school picture? I mean, really? I can’t even put words around this outfit. If he didn’t already have a rose, he should have been dismissed site on scene (and we thought Kalon was bad).

I’m still reeling from Jef’s tall socks when Ryan’s aura of douche fills the room. Thankfully the guys seem to hate him as much as we do and they send Arie in to bust things up! Arie rescues us from Ryan’s attempts to use three-syllable words correctly and annoyingly spiked up hair.

ABC and the producers are also clearly happy to be rescued since they cue up the romantic, fun tunes and fade out the scary, awkward, weird tunes.But before we’re clear, Ryan sneaks in one last obnoxious comment told to the mute with the ponytail, “I see a lot of potential with Emily but I honestly feel like I’m called to something bigger.” Oh and by bigger, he means The Bachelor. Come on brah, you aint no Bachelor. You are straight up Bachelor Pad. No ifs, ands or buts (not butts) about it.

Side note: If you had been drinking every time Ryan gave himself a compliment, you would be on your way to the ER right now.

Is this guy for real? He’s so awful that I ALMOST forgot about Jef’s awful socks. But really. I cannot stand him and WILL NOT watch him on the BAchelor. Now Bachelor Pad – he’ll be magical on that.

The rest of the night includes Sean being cute and charming. Daddy Daycare & Chris getting into a ridiculously stupid fight where for once I am on Doug’s side (Chris Buddy – you’re just trying too hard) and a sit down with CH.

Chrissy Hare is a probing into the details, trying to find out if Emily will really find true love this time around (doubtful). Even he knows that this group of guys are meh at best.

Bored bored bored until she says she’s on to Ryan’s games (so you’re saying there’s a chance!) and then it’s rose time.

Okay, side note: Was this episode REALLY long or was it just me?

Rose Time

Doug, Jef and John the Wolf have roses.

7 Roses, 2 Guys Going Home.

  • Sean
  • Arie
  • Travis
  • Chris
  • Ryan – BOOOOOO.
  • Kalon – Double Boo.
  • Alejandro

WOAH WOAH WOAH. I definitely thought that one was going to Charlie.

Yowzer. One muscle man is gone and Emily gets rid of the only other person on the show with a pony tail. Michael – we hardly knew ye.

Aw Charlie’s crying in the rain. Poor Charlie.

But enough of that, cheers guys we’re going to London! I for one am excited about all the fancy trench coats Emily’s going to be wearing.

Previews for next week look good! Which basically means that Emily gets real with one of the guys! My wish – Ryan. More obvious choice – Kalon or Chris maybe.

What did you all think of this episode? Too little Harrison right?

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“I believe in love and fabulous shoes” and other words of wisdom from Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 1 (Premiere) Recap

We’ve been through some hard times lately Bachelor(ette) fans. The back-to-back combo of Ashley and Ben had us reeling a little bit but my hopes are high for this season. And it all hangs on the shoulder of the reason we’re all tuning in…my girl Ricky. Ah, but ABC has decided to play hard to get and try to get us to focus on the “star of the show.” “My name is Emily, I’m 26…” and I have huge boobs, a banging bod and this little human to take care of. Welcome to my quest for love.

A bouquet of balloons float away into space, a visual sign of their dignity floating away as a band of cameramen and douchebags invade their lives. Gah, I forgot how much I love this show.

Ricky & Emily, in their fresh Mommy & Me fits, whip up some pancakes to discuss Mommy’s plans to date 25 guys at once. “I’m thankful for love,” says Ricky. Ricky – I’m thankful for you.

Side note: Emily is hella rich. Her house/ride/wardrobe are all ridiculously nice. But all that nice stuff doesn’t save her from lonely nights spent looking at photo albums in the dark. (p.s. – We all knew that Em, we watched your first turn on ABC.)

But look at the bright side Em, at least you (and more importantly, all of us) don’t have to see Brad. Clearly no one shared that news with Emily though and we have to see her master the art of staring off into space in urban environments. Such a mastered art.

And just like that, Emily is ready to begin her journey for true love because you know, this show is known for its innate ability to find true love for its contestants… Let the douchebaggery begin!

If some camera time for Ricky wasn’t enough to put a smile on your face, Chris Harrison is here ready to turn any frown upside down. Captain Obvious/the most amazingly awesome over-exaggerator of all time gives us some insight on this season, “Emily’s journey isn’t just about finding her soul mate, It’s a quest to find a father for her little girl.”

I’m so excited… I’m so… so scared.(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

The Sneak Peeks:

No season premier would be complete without the little meet and greets with some of the season’s stand-outs. (Haven’t you missed this show? I think Ben may have ruined it a little for us all but it seems like we’re back in action with Emily.)

  • Kalan. With a K. If you were worried about the presence of huge douchebags, you know the guys that make you yell “REALLY? REALLY?” out loud at your TV, than fret no more. Kalan is here and ready to lather on some lip balm and talk about how rich he is. (Sigh*wipes forward in relief). He’s from Houston and ready to sport hipster glasses, talk about himself ad nauseam and generally annoy America. Welcome!
  • Ryan. Just when you thought a little piece of your soul had died watching this show, Ryan is on the scene. Former pro-football player, works with kids, is from Augusta, GA. AND he has a puppy. Winner! This guy seems like a keeper.
  • Didn’t catch this guys name but he sells wood and works on his hard body. Woof. Nuff said.
  • Lerone. ABC’s attempt at diversity is looking to start a family, you know one that includes someone other than himself and his purse pup.
  • David. Ah David. I thought you’d never show up. This singer/songwriter didn’t want to “toot his own horn” (was the pun intended?) but he’s written a lot of great songs about the hunt for love. Judging by his singing abilities, a performance sounds like a one-way ticket to the limo of doom. Prepare for some serious secondary embarrassment beforehand though. (p.s. – I also don’t want to toot my own horn – pun intended – but I totally predicted this guy yesterday.)
  • Charlie. Charlie had a “perfect family, perfect life” until a patio accident left him with some serious injures (chances he raises awareness on deck safety?). No worries though cause he’s back, better than ever, and stretching out every sweater vest this side of the Mississippi. He “may have a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with [his] heart.” Ah, Charlie. Let’s hope your flare for cheesiness is account of your head injury.
  • Jef.  (Yup, just one ‘F.’) This CEO and modern-day Zach Morris loves jean jackets, poufy hair and providing children with clean drinking water. He’s like the Tom’s of Bottled Water. Not sure about this one.
  • Arie. Arie is a smoking hottie with a talent for racing Indy cars and vapid stars into the distance. I predict he makes it to the final three or better.

And we’re back with the new host of our show… Ricky! (A girl can dream can’t she. But really? How awesome would it be if Ricky was the guest host? Just think about it.)

After approving Mommy’s outfit, Ricky runs back to whoever is babysitting during the quest for love but not before letting Em know that she “looks like a princess.” Agreed.

It’s time. The “night we’ve all been waiting for” (Oh Chris Harrison, how i’ve missed your commentary and penchant for hyperbole and exaggeration) is here. (Maybe I judged CH a little early there, I have kinda been waiting for this for a long time. Damn, I hate it when he’s right.)

From the look on Emily’s face though, this is not the moment she’s been counting down to. Our line leader looks downright petrified. No worries, CH is on the scene. Ready for his fireside chat with Emily where they’ll challenge each other to a starring contest (my money’s on Emily) and reminisce on her time with Brad (hence the starring contest).

After getting the back story on her lost love (again… not trying to be insensitive but c’mon doesn’t everyone know about it now), CH lets America know that Emily runs this shizz and got ABC to come to her in Charlotte. That’s how awesome she is (side note: start counting how many times/drinking every time she says awesome here).

It’s Game Time. Em swallows those neeerrrrvious feelings with a little faith and guidance from her spirit guide CH and it’s official, she’s ready to “let the journey begin.”

Limo Numero Uno 

  • First up it’s Sean whose most notable first impression is an awkward hug and weird walk which he means to be full of swagger but just looks like he has some inner thigh chaffing.
  • David. You know David’s from New York (this is our singer/songwriter) when he says, “Who picked Charlotte, was that your call?”I mean, cause really, why would anyone want to do anything outside of NY and LA. Is there even intelligent life in between? Blech. I hate him already.
  • Doug. Ah that’s his name. Here’s our Single Dad from Seattle. His overly familiar questioning on Ricky Tick seems a bit invasive to me but hey, maybe she digs that.
  • Jackson.  Fitness model. Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough, he gets down on one knee and recites love quotes. Boo.
  • To close out group #1 comes loud Joe from LA. Can’t decide if his enthusiasm is fake or funny. We’ll leave it open for interpretation… for now.
In Summary: Meh. Less than impressed with this first group. This is EMILY for God’s Sake. Let’s get some better talent on here.

No I do not want to see your abs right now! (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Limo Part Deux 
  • Artie. Smoking hot race car driver keeps it simple and sweet. Emily digs it.
  • Kyle. Mostly unremarkable other than being a little too complimentary (I know, I know they all are but saying “you’re in awe” is a little too much for me).
  • Chris. Is it me or does Chris give off a Tim Tebow vibe? Either way ole dude comes in with God on his side and one words of wisdom from his pops. Emily kinda likes it.
  • Aaron. Cute (even in the nerdy hipster glasses – thank god those things were part of the gag… or were they?) but kinda ruins it when he says,  “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
  • Alessandro aka Brazilian guy. If he wasn’t from Brazil, I would for sure think he was a backwater auto mechanic. Not sure how I feel about the Brazil/Minnesota combo on this guy. Where will he take her for hometowns? (Yeah right, this dude ain’t making hometowns). Oh and Emily – they speak Portuguese in Brazil but I’ll forgive you cause you’re just so darn cute.
In Summary: MUCH BETTER. There is some potential in this group and no outstandingly awful douche bags. My hopes are up (although I’m sure they will be crushed by the passengers in the next limo).
Limo III 
  • And just like that, Jef (with one f) – aka Zack Morris – scoots in on a motorcycle. If this dude tries to freeze the scene, I will oficially (with one f) freak out.
  • Lerone. Comes in smooth. I think Emily is into it. We’ll see.
  • Stevie (yup, Stevie) coming with a boom box, moon walk and other assorted cliché dance moves. Figures that he’s a “dancer, MC and entertainer.” Add to that his St. Patty’s Day green shirt and you’ve got a double woof on your hands.
  • Charlie. Full of charm and dripping in southern manners (yup, that was a “yes ma’am” you heard), this guy has got it in the bag (that is if his jacket doesn’t explode under the pressure of his muscles first).
  • Prince Charming. I missed this guy’s name as I covered my eyes and hid from the embarrassment of hearing someone call himself “Prince Charming.” Emily did have the line of the night with this guy though, “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.” Truth.

You seriously want me to wear a shoe you bought at Wet Seal? Uh, No. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

P.S. – If you’re drinking while watching, you should definitely be drinking every time one of the guys says Emily “looks amazing.” If you’ve already started, you’re more than likely not to remember anything after this point in the episode.
In Summary: Don’t any of these guys have friends back home? You know, the friends that ride you out mercilessly when you trip going up the stairs? The kind of friends that wouldn’t let you live down that “Prince Charming” or “MC Stevie” routine?  The friends that should text you and say “Dude, you looked like a total tool on national TV last night.” Just wondering. Please continue.
Four Loko Limo 
  • Things go from bad to worse when Mrs. Doubtfire emerges from the limo. I mean, why wouldn’t Emily be impressed by a dude dressed like a Grandma? These introductions are way more awkward, horrible and full of secondary embarrassment than I could ever have imagined. Where do they find these people?
  • Nate. Plays it cool which is probably why I can’t remember his face. Sorry about that Nate but I applaud your boringness.
  • Brent. All I can see are his weird hands, big mole and dorky name tag.
  • John aka “Wolf.” Cute guys with a horrible nickname, let’s drop that one, K? Drew chimes in with this food for thought, ” Cocky dork that came into his looks later in life.” and with that he returns to reading golf magazines and having ADD.
  • Travis aka The Egg Guy. Yeah, this guy brings a giant egg that he says represents Ricky and Emily. He will protect the egg like he will protect them. Gag. Please please please stop with this madness.
In Summary: Emily must have already eliminated at least 10 of these guys based on their horrible, horrible, devastatingly embarrassing entrances. She’s also got to be a little pissed at ABC for sending some of these jokesters.

Bless your heart and that cone head. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Cinco de Limo
  • Michael. Michael has long hair. That is all.
  •  Jean-Paul. Other than being a little awkward, he seems mildly normal, if not a little nerdy. Definitely will get canned.
  • Alejandro. (In my head, all I can hear is Lady Gaga’s voice saying his name). Note to all future contestants: Being a douche bag sounds WAY better in spanish.
  • Ryan. This is the dude. He’s cute and sincere enough to pull off the cheesy but sweet sign. Officially (with two f’s) my favorite (maybe a tie with Arie for now).
  • And now, for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme Douche Bag (comes with a crown, sash and puppy), coming in on the ABC method of choice (although Emily’s least favorite method of transport): Kalan. Emily hated him before he even got out of the helicopter but once she saw his plastic face, glossed up lips and heinous expensive garb – it was a done deal. Listening to her try to stand his presence and pretend that he’s not the biggest tool she’s ever seen was comical. Obviously, Kalan is this season’s Bentley/Courtney.
In Summary: Oh Lord. Thank the big guy upstairs (in the control room) for throwing Ryan in the mix. If not, this group would be a lost cause.
Party Time!
Helicopter Dude (that is his new name, given to him by the dudes not me – for the record) walks in and gets a serious stare down from every dude there. And like any true self-centered douche, he breaks the ice with an insult, “I saw you all from above.” Kill him… NOW!
With a quick pat on the back, CH sets Emily loose in the lion’s den… and so it begins with a champagne toast, obvi. (No really, there were dudes sipping on champagne.)

Wait, your name really only has one F?(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Highlights:

  • Chris sits Emily down and presents her with bobble heads of themselves. Creepy right? Emily’s enthusiasm has me questioning myself.
  • Emily thinks it’s a “lot of fun having guys pull you one way or the other.” Especially since that doesn’t happen to her at the grocery store. Well, I think at the grocery store that would be considered assault. Just saying.
  • Jef hopes that Emily isn’t impressed by all the material things and instead is into drinking bottled water, sitting by streams and blow drying each others hair. Shockingly, Emily finds him “super cool.” And says that he makes her “feel like a nerd.” In what universe is that possible?
  • The Seattle Single Dad hits a home run with a note from his son Austin (who has way more game than his pops). Well played Austin.

How is this not creepy?ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

CH drops in the first impression rose and the guys start clamoring for affection obviously realizing that their lame introduction embarrassments aren’t enough to secure them a spot on Emily’s quest for love.
  • Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside in an attempt to not seem like the biggest diva in the house. But a couple of minutes in, she’s “stolen” by Shawn. This move is applauded by all the other dudes, especially MC Stevie.
  • Arie kills it in his one-on-one with Emily and I’m hoping she is going to give him the first impression rose after confessing about his career in racing. She doesn’t but you can tell she’s into him and we all agree when she says “He’d be hot in a race car.”
  • Side note: It’s gotta be like 3 am and she still looks ah-maz-ing. I’d be pissed if she wasn’t the cutest thing ever.
First impression rose goes to Austin’s Dad. p.s. – If you’ve been drinking every time she says “awesome” you’re drunker than a bachelor contestant at the first night cocktail party.

How did I get here? (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Rose Time!

Emily is happy the producers totally didn’t sell her out and found at least a couple of dudes she’d be cool introducing to Ricky-Tick. Let’s see who it could be…

  • Chicago Chris.
  • Ryan – Duh.
  • Kalan. Oh man. Is this a blessing or a curse?
  • Arie. Smoking hottie race car driver.
  • Charlie. Yup.
  • Jef. With one F.
  • Nate.
  • Shawn.
  • Joe.
  • Kyle.
  • Aaron.
  • Alejandro. The Latin Love (from Columbia not Portugal).
  • John.
  • Alessandro. The Latin Lover part deux.
  • Michael. Oh no, come on Emily. Hair guy?
  • Stevie. What the what? is she on crack with these last few picks?
  • Tony. Gah, that guy had been panicking.
  • FINAL ROSE. You know how I know, cause CH came out and let us know. What would we do without him?
  • Travis.

Man, poor Lerone didn’t even stand a chance this season. I know a lot of people say it but when is ABC gonna embrace a little diversity. Mostly I’m bummed because he seemed pretty legit other than the tiny pup. Also, I’m kinda sad we won’t get a chance to know 20,000 leagues under the sea Jean-Paul.

Oh well, he guys do the walk of shame to the chirping of sweet morning birds as they board a limo of crushed dreams. But enough of that sadness…

“Cheers to finding love in Charlotte.”

From the previews… Looks like Emily does her fair share of open mouth kissing. Also, as expected, lots of hanging with Ricky, crying, man crying, drama, fab locals and CH. What more could a girl ask for. I’ve got my hopes up for this season. I’m thinking the dark days of Ashley and Ben are far behind us!

What did you all think?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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