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Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay's} every seen." Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I'm thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I'm just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as "a bunch of flowers made of petals." Yup, that's what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire "dinner" is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that - that comes later), she's saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it's on like donkey kong (except it's not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to "express her feelings" which means she's ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here's the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she's gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there's no stopping it (see ex. 1 - standing on a chair and yelling "I Love Sean." ex. 2 - does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it's annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn't going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it's straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee's all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It's time for another one of Sean's test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it's time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges - I guess this is Sean's way of figuring things out. I'm just saying that I found Brad Womack's way (i.e. - hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 - AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

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There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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Dr. Sean Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Hating on Plaid and Love Chris Harrison – The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 3 Recap

Sorry for the delay friends. Been a hectic past few days and work got in the way of my recapping.

So last night, I decided to close up the computer so I could sit back, relax and enjoy the madness (also, I was really tired and couldn’t bear the thought of typing into the wee hours).  I’m pretty glad I did so I could soak up all of Tierra’s fake fall, actually enjoying a genuine moment on the show and throw popcorn at the screen every time Kacie B. popped up. That being said, today’s recap will not include some of the word for work quote mockery I’ve become known for. Sorry Charlie. I’ll be back to normal next time.

Love love love this guy.

The show opens in what should now be the open credits, Sean working out. Add in a little of that epic love music (maybe a little “On the Wings of Love”) and a beach run and I think it could become a nice standard open. Think about ABC?

Sean’s not necessarily my type but it never hurts to see those rock hard abs and if you’re playing The Bachelor drinking game, it gets your night off on the right track. Favorite line, “I’ve got my work cut out for me.” Ah, gotsta love the way the producers matched up that voice-over with Sean finishing up a set of rows. Good work.

But enough of Sean, doesn’t he know we all really tune in for one man? The one and only Chris Harrison. CH swings by the mansion to recap the rules, current standings and scatter a little cat nip for the gals to claw over, you know, a date card.

So there’s 16 gals left. This week we’ve got three dates lined up (duh). One group and two one-on-ones. First one up is little ole Lesley (jerk move Selma on giving Leslie high hopes).

“How long will this love last?”

I’m perplexed by this date card. Does he want me to answer? Okay, if I must. My best guess is that this love lasts at least until hometowns but not much longer. Even if she makes it to the end, I give it 9 months max. But enough of my predictions…

Sean and Lesley jump into the most pedestrian of Bachelor transportation methods – the limo – where the cannooodle and flirt around. Lesley is a big ball of hype for her date until she sees the limo stop in front of the Guinness World Record Museum. Uhhh what the what?

Side note: I haven’t decided how I feel about Lesley yet. On one side she seems pretty normal, not obnoxious and is remaining mostly out of the fray. All things I like. On the other side, there’s something about her that bugs me a little. Not sure if it’s her voice or what (certainly not her style – little lady always looks cute). Moving on.

So they’re at the museum and you can tell that Sean the prankster is back in action. He loves throwing these gals curve balls and seeing their reactions. At first I thought it was endearing but now it’s just getting to be old news. Either way, Lesley plays along and it appears these two are having fun on this little walkabout. It also appears that Sean is preparing for his final date scrapbook and taking tons of pics on his point-and-shoot.

But now it’s game time. Sean drops some knowledge about his pops breaking a world record (a pretty cool one at that). It appears Papa Ken Doll was the fastest to drive in all 48 contiguous states. Nice work.

“That’s cool Pops”, says Sean. “But I’ll see your world record and raise you a slutty world record.” Yup, it’s time to make a little history on this weekly competition dating show. It seems that Sean and Lesley are going to take a lick at setting the world record for longest on-screen kiss.

As the sweet sounds of Boys II Men’s “I’ll make love to you” play in the background, Sean and Lesley recreate their first middle school dance. Image: ABC

Lesley is the perfect mix of embarrassed and excited as they walk outside to complete their task in front of a randomly assembled group of hobos, street walkers, tourists, understudy Bachelor contestants (seriously, what was the deal with all the blondies in cut-off jean shorts?) and passerby’s.

CH is on the scene, along with some foreign Guinness guy, to make things official. Thank god for him because if not, the full THREE MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS of them kissing would have been an SE nightmare. Good lord, I was thinking they’d just let us fast-forward through that madness but instead we had to watch along through every lip-pursed closed mouth kiss.

We all know how big of a hater I am on the open-mouth kiss but when you’re setting a record for kissing, I would hope that you’d add in a little more tongue action. Watching them smile and press up against each other (do we keep our eyes closed? do we open them? what do we do with our hands?) was painful at best and awkward as hell at worst.

Favorite parts: CH playing ringmaster. Least favorite parts: Tie between Lesley and Sean’s off-screen commentary and the crowd of cheering fans. I mean really people? You have to have something better to do with three minutes of your life than watch these two touch lips.

Moving on.

Anyways, they break the record and we all take a collective break to change for dinner.

At dinner these crazy kids talk about their idyllic childhoods spent in perfect nuclear families where all they did was hang out with their families, do homework and go to practice (they are like the Aaron Samuels of Bachelor-dom). Clearly this season, tragic back-stories are out (unless they involve losing a limb) and perfect families are in!

Lesley impresses him with her great upbringing, sense of humor and short skirt so the rose is hers! They seal the deal with a kiss, this time with tongue and I’m instantly take back everything I said earlier about tongue-action.

Enough of these well-adjusted kids, I need some crazy crying in my Monday night routine. Let’s go on a Group Date!

Group Date: Set. Serve. Spike with Tierra, Robyn, Leslie, Taryn, Jackie, Little Desi, Kacie B., Amanda, Catherine, Daniella, Lindsey and someone else who I can’t remember right now. Oh I remember now. The model. What’s her name?

“Why yes, I am Captain America.” Image: ABC

The girls all throw on their perfectly matched bikinis and hit the beach for a date made for Sean’s abs.

It only takes one “TAKE OFF YOUR SHHHIIIIIRT!” for Sean to ditch his mank-top and run around like an extra on Baywatch. The crew spends the next 3 minute montage throwing the football, running into the ocean hand-in-hand and watching Sean do push-ups using Catherine for extra weight. It all feels so insanely staged but at least no one’s crying… yet.

Realizing that group dates were made for feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and tears, the producers throw in the challenge. Duh Duh DUNNNNN. Split into teams cause you all will be hitting the beach volleyball court to compete for five more minutes with Sean.

After assembling teams, the girls spend the next ten minutes erotically covering each other in body paint rather than coming up with a legitimate strategy on how to actually win. This lack of planning means that the game is a total and utter mess. It’s like watching 10 hot-bodied Daria’s.

“Kill HER! I mean It, I meant it!” Image: ABC

In the end, the rag tag team of Desiree, Amanda, Lindsey, Robyn, Kacie B. and Jackie win the match and to the victor go the spoils. So these ladies break out their shortest sun-dresses and get ready for a night of competing for Sean’s love and affection.

Here’s what I can tell from this group:

* Little Desi is annoying. All her lip-licking, band sweeping and bloated self-confidence are slowly making me want to lunge through the screen and wipe that stupid smirk off her wedding-loving face.

* Amanda is bi-polar and her mouth is slowing gaining control of her face. Seriously, every time she smiles I fear it will be the last time we see anything south of her forehead. Also, she is nuts.

* Robyn is a cutie-patootie.

* Jackie has no idea what she is doing there other than looking pretty with her Princess Ariel features. (Has she even spoken to Sean on-camera once?)

* Kacie B. needs to be immediately thrown into the ocean. First off, throughout the season I’ve had no idea what she’s been talking about in any of her on-camera interviews. Always something about “being selfish this time” and “not here to play game.” On this date she decides she’s going to use Desi annoyance with Amanda’s multiple personalities to her advantage. Wait what? That doesn’t make sense. She tells us that she thinks Sean will hate the drama but then she sits down with him for the expressed purpose of creating drama. Not sure what is happening with her but all I can tell is that she is in need of some serious attention. Isn’t being on television TWO TIMES enough attention Kacie B?

Anyways, she sits down with Sean, talks some crazy shit about Desi and Amanada and Sean cuts through her bull in one second flat. “Ugh why are YOU telling me this?” Yeah why are you telling him that? You are an idiot who deserves to be sent home now so we no longer have to see your hair frizz in the California heat again.

* Lindsey has emerged from her crazy first night and has wooed Sean with her high-pitched voice, hand grabbing and talk of rainbows, unicorns and puppies.

And the rose goes to… Lindsey. Ole girl is a serious threat. Watch out now.
While things were getting weird beach-side, the rest of the crew heads back to the mansion where they bathe in each other’s tears and wax poetic about “needing more time.”

I mean couldn’t we have just invited one of my buddies so someone could catch this? Image: ABC

Enough of those sad-sacks, it’s time for the final date.

Riding High with AshLee.

We’re in the home stretch now and it’s time for the last date. This one goes to AshLee (and not without a little drama induced reading of the card from Tierra). AshLee gets all glammed up and is awaiting her knight in v-necked cotton armor when from the stairs comes a clatter. Who is it curled up in a big ball of eyelashes but Tierra of course. She lays there like a big lump of coal moaning waiting for the moment for Sean to arrive.

He does and attends to her like the decent human he appears to be. Tierra, being the miserable person she appears to be, capitalizes on the situation and throws a hissy-fit similar to the one my two-year old throws when I won’t let him eat gummy-snacks for dinner. After being the paramedics off with her curling iron, Tierra escapes for a quick cuddle session with Sean. WOOF.

All the while, the sweet and innocent AshLee waits inside – silently plotting a way to destroy her roommate named after a bedazzled headpiece.

Once the date begins, Sean tells Ash that they’re going to Six Flags and that they have the whole park to themselves. Well maybe. Sean is up to some more tricks. This time he invited a couple terminally ill children to join them. Nothing like using sick children to provoke a reaction you’ll use to gauge her prospect of being your wife. All jokes aside though, these kids are awesome.

The pair of girls both had mitochondrial disease (I think that’s what it’s called – no disrespect intended) and were meeting for the first time. Since they both love the Bachelor and amusement parks, it’s a big ball of fun for them. I’m sure they were wondering if they could kick AshLee off the date but in terms of a Bachelor date, this one was a good one.

I will say it was surprisingly awesome to watch them interact with the girls and see two kids really enjoying themselves. It also made me think of Sean not as a robot created by ABC for entertainment and ab shots but as a real human. I’m also glad ABC chose AshLee for this date because throwing Des or Tierra on this one could have been a mid-to-mild disaster.

Not going to lie, I got a little knot in my throat and not from the sheer excess of secondary embarrassment this show tends to shower on us. I also was kinda jealous because that date looked like a seriously fun time. I’m guessing AshLee just wishes she was dressed a little more appropriately.

For rose-getting purposes, AshLee shares a little of her background. Adopted but… from a perfect family. She just got hers a little later than the rest of the gals. Her story warms Sean’s heart (and is genuinely very sweet) and she is rewarded with a rose. The group dances away the night to the Eli Young Band.

Rose Time:

I’m pressed for time so I’m just going to use a word run on to describe the cocktail party:

Spray tanning. Bootylicious Tierra. Crazy Desi. Man Stealing. Oh No She Didn’t. More Man Stealing. Sarah’s cute ass puppy. Man that was nice of Sean. Musical Chairs. Kisses galore. Madness. Champagne. Crazy Eyes. Teary Eyes. Kacie B. in a Wet Suit. More Man Stealing. And the roses go to….

No but in all seriousness, girls got real at that cocktail party. It was like they were playing capture the flag with ole dude.

And the roses go to…. Hold the phone…. Sean needs to talk to Kacie B. outside. Turns out little buddy didn’t like what she tried to do at the beach so he is sending her ass home right about now. He says it’s because he respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony but I’m guessing he just doesn’t want to look at that wet suit and nappy ponytail anymore.

Anyways…  the roses go to…. (Lesley, Lindsey and AshLee all have roses)
(in no particular order cause I don’t remember)

* Amanda
* Daniella
* Selma
* Robyn
* Leslie
* Jackie
* Tierra
* Catherine

And … * Desiree

Am I forgetting someone?

Anyways, the model and Taryn go home along with Kacie B.
See ya later (maybe Bachelor Pad?) ladies.

Oh snap, why did they leave out the footage of them getting Old Time Photos taken?! LOVE THOSE! Sorry I know that gives you all secondary embarrassment but I can’t help it.

What did you all think of last night’s episode? What made your skin crawl? What did I leave out?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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“I’ve just had the BEST time.” The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

And we’re back.  It’s getting down to crunch time for our girl Emily. No more willy nilly tongue kissing all across the globe, it’s time to find Ricky a Daddy. So let’s go…. to Curacao!

“To finish it in Curacao is… so perfect.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 354654997454 times but they could send these kiddos to war-torn Africa and they’d think it was AH.MAZ.ING or in their words, “the perfect place to [fall in love, end their journey, find true love].”

We begin, as we do every episode, with a montage. The highlights in this one: the battle between saying “love” and “perfect.” I think love won by one (say that 5 times fast). interspersed in the montage, we see Emily, accompanied by some seriously EPIC music, standing at the front of her own Titanic … this sinking ship of a romantic journey.

Once they’ve gotten the pre-requisite product plug-in (seriously though, that place looks REAL NICE – said in Ricky Bobby voice but lacking any sarcasm), it’s time to take a deeper look at her relationship with the guys. Okay, I’m not trying to be too picky (yes I am) but this show could easily be an hour and half without all these montages, heart to hearts and ponderous looks (Emily looks longingly at the sea, Emily strolls down the beach, Emily plays with her hair in the Curacao breeze).

Moral of the story:

  • Sean: Perfect and full of plaid. Everything she wants in a husband… tall, blond, huge boobs (no coincidence that they want the same things… they’re perfect!).
  • Jef: A stylish bad boy (I’m laughing aloud as I write that, c’mon Emily… he’s different but “a little bit of edge.” I think not). Plays hard to get. Mormon.
  • Arie: It’s hard for me to hear what she’s saying over my loud boo-ing but I think I make out (no pun intended!) that she loves that he does all his talking through the mouth-to-mouth technique.

We close this recap with a cryptic message in the sand from Emily.

Emily + ?

WHO IS QUESTION MARK?!?!?! Alas, we’ll never know since it is swept out to see just like one of these dudes will be in another HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Perfect Sean

Sean, ever a fan of the ABC supplied uniform of v-necks and Toms, has upped the ante. He’s clearly run out of all his moderately deep v’s and found the most plunging one of all. You know, one that really highlights his chest. And we’re in luck because he found a pair of Toms to match perfectly. Gah, isn’t he just perfect?

He does the awkward jog thing and as much as I hate it, I hate his outfit more. Well done buddy.

Just when I’d given up hope, I hear the familiar sound of helicopter blades in the tropical breeze … a helicopter! Well it’s about damn time.

So these two crazy kiddos hop in and feel each other up as they head off to their own private island. Hold up, didn’t Brad & Emily go on this exact same date at this exact same moment on his season. It seems Womack and Sean have more in common that a shared love of plaid.

Sean’s decided he’s not holding back and breaks out a hand-written note to little Ricky. In your head you’re thinking TRUMP CARD right? So was I. Emily eats every line about wanting to be her Daddy up and I can’t help but get sad realizing that he’ll most likely never meet that little spit fire.

Awkward pauses and a conversation about Sean treating his ex girlfriends like “buddies” fill the time before the “dinner” date (have you ONCE seen someone take a single bite of food on this show? Drinks. Downed by the dozen. Food. Left alone and abandoned. Here’s hoping production meals on that shiz after the love birds leave). They also pretend to go snorkeling which must just be code for tongue kiss in the ocean.

Wanna take off your top errr I mean go snorkling?

Side note: Did you all see how big Emily’s boobs looked in that swimming suit!? I felt like a cartoon A WOO GA noise should have gone off when she took off her cover up.

I didn’t think it was possible but at dinner Sean wears an even deeper V-neck tee. Where do you even get those things?

At dinner, things get kinda serious. Sean confesses his love, to which Emily gives the mandatory “thank you” (is there anything worse?). They also discuss where they’d live, if he Sean would actually propose and other things of minor note… but enough about your life together, where is the fantasy suite card?

Emily finally pulls that puppy out (no, not THOSE puppies… that’s for the fantasy suite you guys!) and I can’t help but wonder if CH really write those notes (I secretly hope he does, did you see how nice that handwriting was?). They wholeheartedly accept the “let’s get it on” key. (Ugh, I hate when Emily says Thank You to him for accepting… you didn’t just order a soda at McD’s…)

For the next couple minutes, we hear A LOT of talk about how much they want to just spend more hours together…. talking (b**ch please)… in the hot tub (well there you are old friend!). But all of that talking will have to be put on hold because little Momma isn’t comfortable with Ricky-Tick seeing her fantasy suite her way to a new man. So Sean and his blue balls don’t have to go home but can’t stay here.

Cue some serious open-mouth kissing and we’re done.

It’s Jef with just one F.

Oh Jef, was there ever a date more perfect for you than sailing? Me thinks no.

So it’s all aboard (sorry, wrong transportation terminology) for these two (and no, not aboard each other… you and your dirty mind). While doing some heavy petting, they hit the serious topic of parenting. Jef really wants to meet Ricky and find out what kind of Dad he’ll be and more importantly, judge Emily’s parenting skills. This evaluation will be key in him deciding if he really wants a future with Ms. E. I sort of tune out cause the cheesy way they talk to one another kind of annoys me. It’s like listening to two 13 year old on a date in front of you at the movies. Just hush up you two. I think I miss something about them playing house in new city because they have to start FRESH!

I definitely tune back in when I hear Jef chime in with this moment of greatness, “It’s been like this crazy painting…  And now I see the masterpiece that’s being painted.” Come on now seriously? You’re going to tell me this is a “bad boy.” Emily, you dated Jeremy Shockey (don’t know who that is? see here). Jef wears high socks like the ring bearer at the last wedding I attended. What about that says edgy?

Just two crazy kids in love.

Anyways, the rest of the date is spent paddle boarding (of course Jef is on the paddleboard date) and jumping off big rocks (p.s. – do you think production had underwater cameras to catch that jump in?). As the day comes to a close, Jef hits us with this truth: “The sun is setting here in Curacao but I feel like things are just beginning with me and Emily.”

Before the sun can set on their romance, Jef has some important dinner questions, namely: “Why haven’t you found the right guy already?” Dang. Coming strong with the questions Jef, I see you. Emily responds with the canned, I’ve dated a lot of great guys just none right for me and then turns it around on Jef. He says the same thing and I begin to lose focus.

But then, like a light at the end of the tunnel, there it is. The Fantasy Suite Card! To which Jef promptly replies “Thanks but no thanks” and bounces from dinner. Okay that didn’t happen. Really, Jef acts all Mormon- gentleman-like and says he doesn’t think it’s right for him to spend the night in a fantasy suite. I mean really people, he’s got morals.

But Emily wanted to be the one to kick him out, so she invites him over to a BOMB-ASS fantasy suite for some over the clothes groping and serious tongue kissing. I try not to focus on the blechy kissing and instead turn my attention to the scrumptous dessert on the bed. Chances that Emily mealed on that once Jef left? 100%

And just like that, Jef is gone.

And my anxiety kicks in because it’s…

Arie’s turn.

I can’t handle Arie. If you’ve read any of these posts this season (well other than like the first two), you know I can’t deal. I plead with Drew to just fast-forward through this entire section but for some reason, he doesn’t get creeped out by Arie’s Accutane lips, effeminate talking and incessant use of the word ‘like.’ So we soldier on…

And right from the start, it’s bad. Arie does the nerdiest half jog I’ve ever seen up to Emily and I half expect her to pick him up and twirl him (seriously, how awesome would that have been?). Instead the implanted magnets in their mouths automatically link up and we’re forced to watch Arie death grip the back of Emily’s head. WOOF CITY.

It’s time to go swimming with dolphins, so they stop their ongoing mouth-to-mouth for two minutes allowing them to board the catamaran, lay down and once again resume mealing on each other’s faces (not like zombies though… or maybe a little like zombies. just not the Miami ones).

This is just what we do.

Since we need some sort of voice over since they’re too busy sucking face, Emily tell us she thinks Arie will love swimming with dolphins since “he’s not scared of anything.”  Well yeah, he races cars at 200 miles an hour surrounded by about 15 other cars and oh yeah, there’s no roof – so dolphins, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem. She also uses this reasoning to discern that he will make a great Dad. Oh Emily. I’m not sure what race car driving and swimming with dolphins has to do with being a good model for Little Ricky but hey, she’s your kid.

Here’s how the rest of the date goes down:

Something about a journey from Dollywood to Curacao; open mouth kissing; face grabbing; heavy petting; talking about kissing; more kissing; swimming with dolphins; kissing; playing with dolphins while kissing; more kissing; end scene.

It’s dinner time and I honestly CANNOT get over how much Arie grosses me out. I just can’t deal. I can’t. Writing this right now is giving me the heeby jeebies. His voice is oddly high and I don’t know, I just can’t handle it.

I consider throwing a blanket over myself, plugging my ears and waiting for a signal to come out when it’s all over but before I can, I hear Emily say ” I have no doubt [Ricky] will want to be your best buddy.” This aggression will not stand. I know my girl Ricky Tick will not dig arie. She’s #teamsean all the way.

More kissing/talking/pretend eating/kissing occurs and it’s fantasy suite time but Mamma E doesn’t trust herself to even GO to the fantasy suite with Arie. She knows she’d have her panties dropped before they even hit the front step, so it’s night night for Arie (HALLELUJAH!) but not before one more attempt to suck the life force out of her body. BLECH.

Rose Time.

I’m going to skip over the H-to-H with CH for two reasons: 1. Because I think they’re always kind of boring and 2. Because I think CH is so much better than that. Why doesn’t he just GET REAL with Emily (or at least give her a heads up on that ponytail looking awful. Em girlfriend, you always looks amazing but tonight’s pony was RRRROUGH).

The moral of the story is that CH tells E that it’s time to get to choosing and E’s all like but I don’t want to go home! I’m having too much fun! Don’t make me stop kissing one of them! I love them all!

Wah Wah Wah.

To help her with this big decision, the dudes have made videos. They each basically proclaim their love in the way you’d expect each of them to. Moving on.

It’s time to do the damn thing but Emily “can’t even wrap my head around the fact that there are only two roses” and that I don’t get to kiss all of them anymore.

My prediction/wishful thinking is that Arie is going home. Drew thinks it’s gonna be Sean.

p.s. – who wants to do a bachelorette bracket next season?

Roses go to:

  • Jef

Side note: The other two dudes are like “Yikes a million we totes thought Jef was going home.” And then it happens….

  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which you know clearly means, Arie.

And just like that CH pops out from behind a bush and is all “Hit the Road Jack” to Sean.

Emily walks him out while Jef and Arie stand there and stare at each other, wondering whose shoes are nerdier.

I can’t look… just go.

This goodbye is awkward city. I wanted to call it a night early and just cut out cause it was making me ALL kinds of uncomfortable ESPECIALLY with the chirping noise in the background (tell me it didn’t sound like the heart monitors at the hospital). But then I thought about all the chicks Sean is going to get between now and his season on The Bachelor and I didn’t feel so bad.

For some reason Emily starts crying and Sean finally decides to leave. Props to Sean for keeping it together, not sounding like an idiot and not crying awkwardly into the camera.

Welp, it’s official friends. Emily officially has horrible taste in guys.

So what did you all think of last night’s LACK of fantasy suites? Are you happy with Emily’s decision or like me have you given up hope?

Men Tell All Next Week! Until then… stay tuned!

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Called it! Chris B. Revealed as Final Bachelor Pad Contestant

Just spotted this little gem on People.com. Yup, our favorite hot-tempered, anxiety-filled, Polish super shrugger Chris Burkowski will be joining the cast of Bachelor Pad. I’m thinking he’ll definitely get into some drama with Kalon and Erica Rose. Not quite sure who he’ll sleep with team up with but I’m sure we’re in for an emotional rollercoster with this one. Totally called it (although anyone with half a brain probably did too).

Get Excited friends… Bachelor Pad is only a few short weeks away!

Here’s the full story from People.com

Bachelor Pad 3‘s Final Contestant Revealed

By Evan Lambert

Tuesday July 03, 2012 02:05 PM EDT

Bachelor Pad 3's Final Contestant Revealed

Chris Bukwoski
Image: Craig Sjodin/ABC/Getty

Almost a month after revealing the cast of Bachelor Pad 3, ABC has finally announced the name of the show’s final contestant: Chris Bukowski.

The 25-year-old Chicago native, who was voted Class Hottie in high school and works as a sales manager at Sears Centre Arena, decided to join Bachelor Pad 3 after getting sent home by Emily Maynard on Monday night’s episode of The Bachelorette.

Maynard recently wrote in a blog post for PEOPLE: “I had a really hard time sending him home, but wanted to stay true to the promise I made to his sister that I wouldn’t keep him away from his family if I didn’t see him at the end with me.”

Bukowski will be joining 19 other Bachelor and Bachelorette veterans – as well as five “super fans” of the franchise – on the show, which premieres Monday, July 23. The winner of the season will be awarded $250,000.

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Bring it on Home: The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

Oh Hometowns, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.

Seriously, I think I count down to hometowns every season. I love getting a sneak peek into where these creeps come from. (Okay, okay I take it back. They’re not all creeps but who knows, their families may be.)

Emily is excited about the home towns you know, since she’s SUPER excited about every moment she’s spent being filmed on her quest for love.

“Just stock the fridge with more cookies and go find me a daddy!”

But before the journey can continue, we’re back in Charlotte to catch up with our girl Ricki Tick (maybe that’s what’s been missing the last few episodes). Ricki, who it appears has been left alone to make crafts for her long-lost momma the last couple weeks, is hype to see Emily. This is mildly heartwarming until I see that no one has taken out the braids she got in Aruba. (no really, has she been alone this whole time.) Seems like all Emily needs to refresh (before hitting the road on another extended vacation) is a girl’s slumber party with her top chick Ricki Tick. But before these crazy gals head to bed, Emily locks up, forgetting that she already let the bad guys (you pick: producers, the sweaty camera crew, America, 25 eligible and slightly unhinged bachelors) inside and it looks like they’re spending the night on her living room couch. Wouldn’t want us to miss a minute of Bachelorette action.

p.s. – I’m skipping the recap montages since they’re all full of tongue kissing, picnic dates and street strolling. (Oh and Jef skateboards. I forgot about that.)

My kind of town. Chicago is…

We’re in the windy city on Chris’ farewell date (let’s not pretend that he’s making it any farther). Chris is back, in an outfit he stole from Mr. Rodgers, ready to win Emily’s affection (aw, it’s sweet to have dreams).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Chris creeps me out. Something about his smile, serious tan and the anxious combo of nodding and shoulder shrugging. Despite that, he’s made it this far. Props to you Chris.

After the most predictable surprise, it’s time for Chris and Emily to explore Chicago (and yes, we’ve done this date 3453453453 times already). Here’s the deal: Chicago is awesome. One of the coolest cities with literally hundreds of things to do at any one time. Museums, the waterfront, really great public art, tons of interesting neighborhoods. What does Chris do with Emily – he takes her to a dumpy polish restaurant. REALLY DUDE? REALLY?

But Chris “on a scale of 1 to 10 Polish is Polish” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?) so we’re forced to see Emily avoid all food in a crummy dive bar. Add to this that their entire conversation goes as follows:

Chris: “I’m so excited you’re here”

Emily: “I’m so happy and excited to be here.”

RINSE & REPEAT.

Kill me now.

Then to break up the monotony Emily asks “We’re going to see your family today right?” Come on Emily, act like you’ve done this before. It;s HOMETOWNS. Of course you’re meeting his family. Gah, is it time for Jef’s date yet?

So Chris breaks down the fam. Dad will love her (cause she’s hot), Mom will love her (cause she’s a hot mom), his sister will hate her (because she’s a hot mom on a reality TV show).

Before heading home, Chris comments wistfully – “I think we’d have a fantastic life here.” I don’t know what’s sadder – that he used the word fantastic in a sentence or that he legitimately think he has a shot with Emily, let alone getting her to move to Charlotte (ain’t happening bro).

Emily heads over to meet the folks who are not what I expect at all. John, Rose, Renee and Teresa seem normal and nice (that is HIGH praise on this show). Dinner is served and it’s appropriately fashioned like The Last Supper (you know, since they’ll never see each other again).

After a meal where no one actually eats, it’s time for some serious convos. Dad’s up first and he gives us his behind the scenes insight on his boy, Chris. “Christopher is a great guy. He’s a great great guy.” Welp, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks John.

Other than John’s teal shirt and visible gold chain I love him (or maybe I love him because of those things). Same with momma Rose. The sisters are a little bitchy but let’s be real – we’d all be bitchy as hell if our brother brought home a reality TV contestant who’s been tongue kissing 15 dudes on rotation.

The most fun Emily’s Had All Day

Renee asks Emily to let Chris go sooner rather than later if she doesn’t think he’s the right guy for her. Clearly, a sign of things to come.

Before it’s on to the next one, Chris pulls Emily outside to tell her he loves her (WHY WHY WHY?) and then finishes the date the best way he knows – with polish dancing and cheap carnations (hey, it works with all the girls in Chicago).

Won’t you take me to Mormon Town.

Ah Utah, the least funky place ever.

So it’s time to get down with Jef who grows on me more and more each episode. We’re at Jef’s family ranch and we’re all thinking what Emily is, “Woah Nelly. who knew that Jef was so rich?” Apparently whatever Mormon business Jef’s parentals are in pays really really well.

Jef greets Emily with the ever so manly, ” You look like really really cute.” Oh Jef, you’re like the younger, valley girl sister I never had.

But I take back any mean things as soon as Jef tells Emily she’s going for a dune buggy ride. Nice work Jef. It appears that Jef realized that the producers were never going to let him do anything but sip wine and stroll through quaint city streets. So Jef has upped the ante on hometowns. We’re gonna buggy around his GIANT ranch and then do a little skeet shooting. I applaud you Jef with one F.

p.s. – Who would have EVER thought Jef would be the one to host this kind of date?

Skeet shooting is a big hit (no pun intended) with Jef dominating the skeet. “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot?” I couldn’t have said it better myself Emily.

She stands on the side acting all scared and meek before grabbing the shot gun and going all Lara Croft on those clay pigeons. “I take gun lessons as home,” Emily says (leaving out the part about arming herself to keep Brad Womack away at all costs).

p.s. – Drew points out that Jef is left-handed. Well of course he is.

After a  quick picnic (which on this show means chugging a bottle of wine on a printed blanket), it’s time to meet the family. Except Jef’s parents won’t be there. A blue million other family members will be on hand but the parentals are in South Carolina – which must be where they send really rich Mormon missionaries (it’s why Romney is in Massachusetts).

So Jef has a big family. Like too many brothers and sisters for me to keep track of. The dudes are all meh and the girls are all kinda hotties. The whole gathering has a Big Love vibe and I wonder if they are legit sisters or many be just sister wives.

Emily sits down with his sisters and they try to give her the business on the dealio with Jef. They ask if she’s in love with Jef and she shrugs cryptically since we all know she’s contractually not allowed to say the L-word on TV (Side Note, can we institute that ban for the dudes as well?). In the end, Em wins the ladies over. “I feel like Emily is just like us,” you know, rich and blonde.

Jef clearly doesn’t want her to spend too much time with the fam, so he whisks her out of there and off to a canyon where he can declare his love. So I have a confession to make: I think I like Jef now.

With this kiss, I thee wed.

I know, I know. I’ve been a serious hater but just like Ames before him, he has slowly won me over with his goofy charm and odd style. I’m even still on board with him after he commits the cardinal sin of SE: reading a letter aloud.

The letter, while a little long and a lot corny, seemed genuine and sincere (well, except for that part about teaching Ricky how to play sports. Come on buddy! We all know the only sport you could teach her is soccer).

Emily is smitten. I never thought she would pick Jef but the look in her eyes when she’s around him is pretty serious. I think he has a legit chance at being the winner. (Cause this is a game, duh.)

“That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Emily proclaims before going in for a kiss.

p.s. – I also like Jef because unlike Arie, his kisses aren’t full of unnecessary sound effects. Clearly he can kiss without sounding like a leaky faucet.

Speaking of Arie….

A Race Against Time

We’re in Arizona, ready to get our race on with Arie. I’m  personally ready to take a 20 minute break from the show since it pains me to watch him fill up my television screen with his big, loud kissing, lips.

“Arie definitely looks stupid hot” Emily says. And I agree – he looks stupid and it must be hot in that giant suit.

Anyways, Arie decides to take Emily for a spin in his race car (doesn’t that just sound dirty) and as they drive I finally come to a conclusion about what bugs me about Arie. More specifically his lips. He definitely is on Accutane. Think about it.

Now that I’ve come to one conclusion, I’m ready to come to the conclusion that this love will not last (no matter how many David Gray songs you play).

These two crazy kids head off to a random park to pre-drink for the family dinner. This is clearly necessary since Arie is having a panic attack before our eyes, worrying about whether his mom will physically assault Emily over dinner. There’s no clear reason given but it just sounds like Arie’s mom must be a total bitch.

Our assumptions are confirmed when we see Momma Mica in a snug teal satin dress she borrowed from our favorite rich girl, Chantal (gah, I miss that girl. She was material for days.) Side note: I think Arie is this season’s Chantal.

Other than mom, there’s Arie Sr. and his two little brothers (did you see the acne… Arie’s totes on Accutane). Papa Arie seems nice & cool but his Mom… yikes a million. She says one thing to Emily and then decides she’s done with her. Sorry Emily, I no longer feel it’s worthwhile for me to speak to you in English, so I am going to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible and speak in a language you have no chance of understanding.

I mean how insanely awkward was that. I thought it couldn’t get worse and then Dad chimes in, “They’re talking about you.” Oh great. It must be wonderful if you can’t even say it in my native tongue. It’s clearly awkward but NOT NOBODY stops it.

Arie opines later, “It’s kind of awkward when everyone’s speaking in dutch.” Um yeah, so why didn’t you stop?

Arie’s mom follows up that warm welcome with an invitation to go out back and disappear. Em politely declines and they settle on a random bedroom for an in-depth convo. I’m able to make out that Mica wants to know why Emily is whoring it up on national tv again since she already watched her do it once before. Emily says something in English that Momma Arie clearly doesn’t understand and it’s back to the guys.

Arie and Papa Arie sit down and little A tells dad that Emily has all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman. This is code for – she has a huge rack, is super skinny, hot and blonde.  Dad agrees and gives his blessing on their unlikely union.

We’re forced to sit through one more excruciatingly loud, sloppy wet kiss before Arie says “I am going to marry Emily.” Yeah, well chances are you won’t.

The Big D

Last but certainly not least is Sean. Emily thinks Sean is perfect. No really, she does. Like every single thing about him is just perfect. So perfect. His dogs are perfect, our life would be perfect, his pecs are perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

In Chicago, all Emily said was she was excited to be there. Well, in Dallas, all we’re going to hear about is perfect Sean. Prepare accordingly.

Sean and his perfect dogs meet Emily for some fun park time. This park is perfect, the dogs behave perfectly and she could imagine Ricki picking perfect weeds flowers from this perfect field.

One perfect boring picnic date later, it’s time to meet the parents.

WOOF!

Side note: Did you all experience the massive SE we did when Sean’s tongue escapes from his mouth and into Emily’s during that seriously SLOW kiss? Drew hide under the blanket while my body tried to fight the urge to just shut down. GROSS. But really, how weird are tongues? And how weird is it that they touch other tongues when kissing? It’s like a weird alien probing another person. I get the heebs just thinking about it.

We’re at Sean’s perfect parents house (which is pretty sweet) with his perfect family. We meet his niece and nephew, Kensington & Smith Attorneys at Law. Not gonna hate though, Kensington’s cottage was pretty nice. I’d move into that place for sure.

Emily’s ready to move in when Sean says he has some news to break. Ruh roh.

“I’m nervous…” Sean says as his family bows their head in shame. “I still live here.” Emily’s all “What the What” while trying to act calm and not run the F out there. I’m experiencing some insane secondary embarrassment at this point.

It only gets worse when Sean escorts Emily upstairs to show her the living quarters. Stuffed animals, crumbs and clothes are everywhere and I imagine Emily is having the most extreme panic attack.

“I’m kind of a mess. I wish my mom had picked things up,” Sean says to which Emily replies, “It’s okay… I can clean.”

Just before she turns and sprints back to Charlotte (and before I jump behind my couch to hide under it for the forseeable future), Sean’s all “GOTCHA!”

But wait, I thought you loved to clean.

“Ha ha” Sean says, “you all thought I wasn’t perfect but I totally am.”

Post joke it’s all fun and family time and Emily clearly digs it. I’d try to be snarky but his family seems genuinely nice and I’m beginning to get on the perfect train (as long as I don’t think about the kissing).

When it’s time to head out, one tongue probe isn’t enough and Sean chases down her fleet of black SUV’s to steal one more open mouth kiss for the road.

Rose Time:

Malibu Barbie is in the house ready to narrow down her Ken’s to three. (Sean’s got this one in the bag.)

Malibu Barbie – Set Comes Complete with 12 roses and enough sparkly dresses to last a lifetime of play.

After a fireside chat with our dude CH, it’s time to choose.

Who will be the one to go? My prediction – Chris.

Roses go to…

  • Arie.
  • Jef.

Down to Sean & Chris. Totes Chris going home.

  • Sean.

Little baby Chris is going home, just like his sister predicted/told Emily to do. He’s a big ball of nervous nodding and shaking. A couple bro hugs and then it’s time for the awkward walk out.

Emily takes Chris on his walk of shame, while the remaining three dudes stare at each other, attempting not to punch each other for kissing “my girl.”

Emily should be glad she let this ship sail because Chris has a serious temper. “I’m honestly shocked,” he says as he stares her down, fighting the urge to choke her. No but really, he is kind of scary aggressive. He grills Emily who does that weird nervous tick thing where she runs her tongue over her teeth.

Production escorts Chris away while Emily returns to her remaining suitors.

“She made me a believer again… in falling in love.” Chris opines. “I loved the girl and I thought she loved me back.” Sorry Charlie.

This is all juxtaposed with the remaining crew doing a big ole toast to chasing love in Curacao. Hey, you may not get the girl but you’ll get one more trip!

Back to Angry Chris who I’m hoping is the newest addition to Bachelor Pad. That temper will be gold on that show!

What did you think about this week’s episode? Are you disappointed that my writing skills have deteriorated under the boredom of Emily Maynard? Who is your favorite? How excited are you for Bachelor Pad?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Locking Down Love. – The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 7 Recap Part I

And we’re back. So last week I was rejuvenated by a healthy dose of SE and the promise of drama. And last night, I was disappointed. What has happened to the franchise standards? You know helicopters, hot tubs, spa dates or really just dates where they do something other than walking around the city of the week. I feel like the producers have thrown in the towel with Emily too and are just biding their time until Bachelor Pad (lord knows that’s what I’d be doing).

So anyways, it’s time for the intro montage. From the looks of it, Prague will be filled with lots of site-seeing and kissing. LOTS AND LOTS of Kissing. Kissing on boats, kissing on trains, kissing in alleys, kissing in castles, kissing in dungeons, kissing in libraries. So. Much. Kissing.

It appears Emily is making up for lost time and making a strong effort to kiss everything that walks in front of her. Locals – you’ve been warned.

Oh and in between the kissing, Chris will have a nervous breakdown. Get excited!

As Emily strolls through the city, mindlessly wandering/getting a crash course in Prague history that she’ll use on the date, she tells us how jazzed she is to be there. “I’m so happy to be in Prague… I feel like I’m back in the olden days.” Yeah Emily, it’s called Europe.

After staring off into every open body of water in proximity of Prague, Emily is ready to get going especially since “I’ve got the best group of guys EVER.” I know that the hyperbole is contagious but really? Ever? I would disagree just based on the fact that Roberto has been on this show and we all know he was the best ever. (Okay, maybe just me but lay off me!)

CH greets the dudes who have all raided the local American Apparel to craft the perfect uniform of v-neck tees (this year’s plaid shirt), slightly skinny jeans (or very skinny khakis in Jef’s case) and Tom’s. Since they all still don’t understand the concept of the show – CH breaks it down for them. Four Dates. Three one-on-ones, one group date. Four Roses. Go!

After doing the required fawning over their sponsored hotel suite, the guys settle down for, what else, a chat about Emily. This basically begins Chris’  melt-down. (p.s. – does Chris constantly have a sinus infection. Every time he talks I just want to hand him a tissue and tell him to blow his nose.) With each date card, we’ll see him slip slowly away from reality. I’m hoping we also see him slip away from our television screens.

First up….

Arie – “Let’s Czech out Prague together.”

Once he finds out he’s going out with Emily, Arie bolts up and heads off to “get ready.” This means dig out his favorite leather jacket and strategically mess up his hair. Once it’s perfectly shaggy, he heads out to meet Emily who has shown up in their room, guide-book in hand.

It’s date time and surprise, they’re going to wander through the city. BOR-ING. Clearly Emily knows this will be a snooze fest since she’s worn her favorite sequin pajama shorts. Oh, and boots. Cause a girl’s gotta be prepared.

This is all you need to know.

Anyways, the date is basically just them walking around while Arie throws out cheesy line after cheesy line (“You are SO beautiful.”) while palming her face. But before the seriously sloppy tongue kissing can begin, Emily takes Arie to some statue where he has to feel up a bronze lady and pet a dog for love and loyalty, respectively. Side note: Did you all notice how long it took Emily to read the description from the guide book. She got totally stuck on “Loyalty” and had to sound it out like it was one of Ricky’s spelling words. This is where Emily decides she’s going to get real with Arie.

We find out (because CH tells us so from back at the mansion in LA – How did he get there so fast!?!Side note, couldn’t they have filmed this inside or any other time than high noon? CH is doing some SERIOUS squinting.) that Arie used to date one of the producers (who’s a little woofy if you ask me) like 10 years ago. Well Emily is miffed that her top boy never mentioned it to her. So mindless stupid drama ensues but of course, the best part is off camera. What the what ABC? Isn’t it the whole premise of this show to film EVERYTHING? How did they miss that convo?

Anyways, Emily decides it’s no big deal and it’s on the wet kissing portion of the date.

The two forgo dinner (on some sort of shipping boat) and instead head up to the roof to snuggle and open mouth kiss. I know a ton of you love Arie (and I did too at first) but I just can’t stand him anymore. Mostly because everything he says gives me the heebie jeebies. I also get some serious SE every time they kiss when he puts a death grip on Emily’s face. Hey Arie, her head is not going anywhere. Loosen up your hold on her face puh-lease.

Bro Break: Back in the room, the guys sit around and think of ways to drive Chris crazy. So obviously, the talk turns to the importance of one-on-one dates and how you’ll never get one Chris (As I write this all I can hear in my head is the En Vogue Song “Nevah gonna get it, nevah gonna get it!”). And just like that, the date card is left on the mysterious coffee table outside their room. (Can’t they just leave it on the floor?)

Chris sits on the edge of sanity waiting to hear if this date will be his (Mine! All Mine!)…. John, In Prague all you need is love.

And just like that, a little piece of Chris’ soul died.

Back on the date, someone has put a mic inside one of their mouths because the noise coming from these kisses is so loud and so sloppy that I am literally using my computer as a shield to keep from seeing it. Unfortunately, my ears weren’t so lucky.

And then it happens. The moment we’ve been dreading all season. You know what I’m talking about. The first L-Bomb dropped. “Can I tell you something?” (PLEASE NO!) “I’ve been thinking a lot about this and somewhere in between Croatia… No it was in Croatia. I think I realized that I love you.” AHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO. You just met this girl like 5 weeks ago. And during that time, she’s been dating at least 10 other dudes. Kissing at least 8 of them. Get a hold of yourself.

Then Arie tells her “I just want you to know where my heart is,” while placing her hand near his nether region. You know, cause it’s really down there. Is it time for fantasy suites yet?

More face grabbing and smooching before the BIG surprise. Yup, Fireworks. They have been using the hell out of fireworks this season and if they think some giant sparklers are a substitute for helicopters and swim suit photo shoots, they are sadly mistaken.

“I feel like I’m on top of the world.” Emily says as I yell “Nope, you’re on top of a boat” at the screen.

John – In Prague, all you need is love.

A WOOOOOOO Wolf Time. (Sorry, that was cheesy. I just couldn’t go the entire season without making a wolf noise through letters.) She ain’t digging him. Date Destruction Specialist.

The real title of this date should be “All you need is another love.” because it’s clear from the get go that these two are not a match.

The first stop on another stroll about town date, is the Lennon wall. So in true reality TV fashion, there is a painting station already set up for them. They decide to paint a boat to signify how e their love is a sinking ship. Once that child’s task is complete, it’s on to another place where Emily can evaluate the validity of their relationship through superstition. They saddle up to a fence full of locks. It’s sad (by who, I don’t know) that adding your lock is a lucky love charm (or something like that). They use the world’s biggest marker to write a note on the smallest lock.

Since the workings of  inanimate objects is how Emily determines whether to continue a relationship, this is an important step. This lock is a symbol of their relationship and won’t click. So based on this one mishap Emily knows they are doomed. Instead of letting him go right then and there (the lock made her!), she decides to see what’s being served for dinner.

But I thought I had this on lock. (ABC/NICK RAY)

And the meltdown continues… back at the hotel Chris is wallowing in despair. “Arie went on a date. John is on a date…” Well Chris, this is a dating show. That’s what happens. I watch the tears and frustration welling up in his eyes as Drew hides under a blanket, praying (out loud) for the madness to end. Ah my friend, it is just beginning (i say creepily to my husband).

The dinner portion of the date is in a dungeon. Yes, another symbol of their relationship. It is doomed to rot slowly in the dark and will hopefully be locked down here, never to see the light of day again. John (who I surprisingly kind of like) continues to show absolutely no emotion and talks in his robotic Data Destruction voice. His words seem to be pre-programmed by his master back in the states (my guess is it’s CH), they sound okay but lack any sincerity or true emotion.

So I just have to keep up this act for another day or so right? (ABC/NICK RAY)

Wolf man shares some more emotions, talks about how he’s a closer (PROVE IT) and then goes in for the least romantic kiss of the season (so far… the best is still to come though). Emily doesn’t totally hate it since she’s loving getting her open-mouth kiss on while Ricky’s away.

The date ends and I give a sigh of relief. We’ve made it half way through the show.

I’m going to break this post into two parts. Not because it’s so long or because I have so much material but because I am bored. Bored to death with this season. For some reason I am totally unmotivated to write about Emily and her sparkly clothes, use of the word ya’ll and her innate ability to kiss a ton of guys while still seeming unslutty.

I’ll be back later to close this one out. If any of you would like to take a stab at the second part though, I’d love someone to guest post the rest of this bia.

p.s. – sorry for how crap this recap is. I need some bachelor pad in my life. STAT.

Until part deux… stay tuned.

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“An Act of Bravery” or How I Survived The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 6

First off, I have to apologize about my one week hiatus. For some reason I’m having trouble with this season. I definitely LIKE this season more than the past two but the secondary embarrassment just doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Emily is just a little too aware that she’s on television. That coupled with the lack of hot tubs, helicopters and rappelling has led to a somewhat luke warm season. I’m definitely enjoying it but it’s not the embarrassment of riches it’s been in the past.

But enough with the excuses. It’s Bachelorette time and I’m back in the game.

Just move a little to the right Ryan. Yup, that’s perfect.

It’s montage time, you know, just in case this is your first time watching this show (does that happen anymore, do people just now start getting into The Bachelorette/Bachelor?). The past few weeks have been full of muscles, sparse tongue kissing and lots of under the blanket cuddles. But now it’s time to get serious. Which on this show means that the remaining 8 guys all confess that they are, indeed, falling in love with Emily. Well, all of them except Ryan. He’s way too busy falling in love with himself.

As Emily walks the streets of Croatia, we learn that little Ricky has finally headed back to the states. We’ll miss her but I proclaim out loud “Behold! The return of the hot tub is nigh!” (sorry that was weird, I’ve been reading WAY too much Game of Thrones lately.)

The guys sail in to Croatia which means we miss out on any of their boisterous home made travel videos (Awwwww Maaaannnn!). And right on cue, we cut to Jef saying, “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.” Now I know I harp on this every season, but REALLY? He had to be reading off cue cards right? I mean, at least 3 people say that every season about (insert random locale here). I let it slide for Bali, Tahiti and Paris but Croatia REALLY? It appears that for contestants of this show, the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly would also be a perfect place to fall in love. You know, as long as a production crew is following them around.

I finally take a deep breath in time to see Emily walk in to their swanky apartment. Em’s in the house to deliver the date card and the excitement among the bros is palpable.

All that excitement just to find out the date card goes to…. Travis (aka this guy from Rascal Flatts).

I dare you to tell me they’re not brothers.

As Travis throws on his cleanest plaid button down (hopefully no snaps), Emily tells us that she is super excited to go on a date with Travis. That has got to be a lie. I’m thinking she’s using this as a day to do some sightseeing and pick up some souvenirs for the Ricky, the babysitter and the Hendricks family before sending Travis home before dinner.

But Travis has no clue and is as excited as ever. “We’re going to have a GREAT day!” he proclaims as I cringe at the thought of what’s to come.

Southern Fish out of Water Ya’ll aka I forgot what the date card said.

It’s time to follow these two southerners “ya’ll” their way through Croatia. Travis thinks this date is going to be great especially because he and Emily have so much in common. (Sorry I have to do this again…) Really Travis? Name one thing you have in common. Okay you’re both from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Name one more. Okay okay, you’re both blonde. Name another. That’s fine, I’ll wait.

By the time I’ve focused back on the screen, Emily has devised some faux-cultural scheme aimed at getting Travis to take off his shirt and show us what’s lurking beneath that plaid. It’s a wall where you’re supposed to hold yourself up while taking off your shirt. (That’s gotta be fake, right?) Travis gives it the old college try except he doesn’t. He stands up there and then doesn’t even attempt to unsnap his shirt.

Emily is kinda miffed and I understand. We all really wanted to know if there was a six-pack or a pair of pepperoni nipples under there. I guess we’ll never know.

Back at the hotel-motel (side note, that place looks Real Nice!), the guys sit around and talk about Travis. I’m not listening but rather trying to figure out what Ryan is wearing. Is that a wife-beater worn the wrong way? Why is it shaped like that? Anyways… this whole break is just another chance for the producers to show America how supreme a douche Ryan really is. I’m thinking they asked him to wear the tank top like that. And if so… well played, Mike Fleiss. Well played.

What am I wearing? (Image: BuddyTv)

And we’re back in the friend zone. After picking up some trinkets for all her friends and family (including her new bestie Dolly Parton), Emily and Travis sit down for a “romantic” dinner. I put romantic in quotes because this is about the least romantic dinner I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched a lot of this show.

Travis spills the beans about going into seclusion since he broke off his engagement two years ago. Yes, for the past two years he’s stayed in, played video games, ordered pizza and gelled his hair…. alone. This kinda freaks Emers out and I echo her thoughts when she says, “TRAAAAAAAAA VIIIIS!?!?!?” (I echo those thoughts even though I have no idea what they mean. Just go with it.)

Before the heartbreak sits in (p.s. – you think he’ll call up his Rascal Flatts bro and give him some  thoughts for a new break up tune? Could be a hit.) we’re back with the bros, ready to find out who’s going on the group date and which lucky dude gets some solo time with their chick. John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie will find out that dating requires bravery. This means that we’re all doomed to at losing at least 20 minutes of our lives watching Ryan parade his douchebaggery around national television.

Back at dinner, it’s rose time. Emily does that horrible thing where she picks up the rose, spends a full minute telling the guy how great they are before dropping the biggest BUT. I cringe and hide behind my laptop as Travis’ face goes from excitement and hope to disappointment and sorrow. Emily tells him they just can’t escape the dreaded friend zone and that she’ll give him a call next time she’s in Charlotte so they can get together and drink some Cheerwine while catching up on NASCAR action.

(Hey Travis, look on the bright side. You may be able to get in good with Wendy or her sassy Indian friend if you can stay besties.)

Sorry Travis can’t keep it together and kind of falls apart when the producers ask all those prodding questions about “finding love” and “being worth it.” Don’t cry Travis. No seriously, don’t cry. It makes you look weird.

And just like that, it’s Group Date time!

Dating Requires Bravery with John, Jef, Chris, Sean, Doug and Arie.

So I’d almost forgotten about the ole movie date. You know the one. It’s when they do the biggest blatant cross-promotion and pan it off as a date. This time it’s Disney Pixar’s newest film Bravery. And how appropriate that we get a kiddie movie for Emily’s season.  Not like that Anna Faris movie, where she played a slut trying to find all the guys she’d slept with before, that we got to watch on Brad’s (or was it Ben’s) season.

The guys suffer through the movie by insulting each other and giving one another nougie’s while Emily gazes longingly into the screen, wishing she were just as brave as the animated red-head.

The lights go up and it’s time for the challenge portion of the date (you may remember on Brad’s season this was usually who could get their body into their bikini and their tongue into his throat fastest). The guys will be competing in the Highland challenge. Basically, they have to dress up and do some random tasks…. I Like it!

Just to make them feel even more out-of-place, they give them some skirts and make them ride donkeys. Gah, I love this show.

This date is basically a chance for us to see who is the strongest. Also who has the best legs (Jef, duh). Oh and who is the best at riding a donkey (my money’s on Chris).

Hey Guys! I want to play in the starring contest toooooo!!!!

The challenges are archery, throwing this giant log and an old-fashioned (no really, like medieval times) tug-o-war. Sean (obviously) kills it at everything. The rest of the guys range from good to meh (Doug – good, John & Arie – so so, Jef – meh) and then there’s Chris. Well, he is HORRIBLE. Like embarrassingly, can’t watch miserable. When he totally missed the target on archery I hide under my blanket for a full minute. IT. WAS. BAD.

Luckily for him, Emily finds his lack of skill, talent or muscle power endearing and gives him the Bravery cup. To which the rest of the guys respond in unison, “Say WHAAAA?” Emily spews more lies when she says, “I don’t care about big muscles.” Yeah, that is just not true.

Either way, Sean knows that the cup is just for bravery and not for sheer muscle mass and strength cause he would have had that in spades. I mean, he broke that giant log. And Emily couldn’t even hide that she was digging it. “It was impressive.” She says smirking while sipping on her hot toddy.

After the Highland Cup it’s the after-party and after the party it’s the hotel lobby… sorry, I got a little carried away there.

So it’s time for the group to get all liquored up and ready to tongue kiss and cuddle (with Emily… not with each other. I’m looking at you Jef.)

Sean’s up first and I half wish he’d just pick her up and carry her to prove (once again) how freaking strong he is. Huge bummer when he doesn’t and instead just waxes poetic about how much he likes her. She tells him that he has nothing to worry about and they open-mouth kiss. Boring.

Next up is Jef aka this season’s Ames (i haven’t forgotten you buddy). I want to dislike Jef but I can’t. Probably because in my head, I consider him an 8-year-old boy. Despite the hair, the overly sensitive tone of voice and his inexplicable style, I don’t dislike him. At the very least, he’s different from the rest of the lookalikes left on the show.They snuggle and Emily gives him a hard time for not kissing him sooner (it was his FIRST KISS – give the kid a break!). End scene.

It’s on to Arie who I used to love but now rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies. So imagine the insanely awful secondary embarrassment I had when he slams her up against the wall and tongue kisses her (oh gah, just writing it and thinking about the slurping sounds makes me want to crawl under my desk) with the loudest slurping sounds ever. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I actually yell at the TV as my skin crawls.

I know some of you probably love Arie but I had a distinct turning point a couple of weeks ago and there’s just something off there. I can’t deal.

Back at the crib, Ryan sits around complementing himself and plucking his toe hairs. He’s interrupted from his 3-hour pre-bed routine when the date card arrives. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t immediately return to teh group date but instead are forced to watch Ryan utter this phrase out loud, “I wake up each day, look in the mirror and say to myself – who do you want to be today.” Kill me now.

Last but certainly not least (well yes, least in terms of muscle mass) is Chris. Chris is a SE smorgasbord. The combo of his mannerisms, words and awkward facial expressions make me want to crawl into the one-inch space between my couch and the floor. This awfulness once again wins Emily over and she leaps up to grab the rose for him. (WHAAAT???? I yell from the crawl space.)

The dudes share my bewilderment and just like that, we’re done here.

Ryan – The world is our oyster.

So here’s the deal friends. This part is going to be short. I cannot stand Ryan. Not in the way I can’t stand how embarrassing some of these guys are but in the way that I would consider hitting him if he walked in front of me in the cross walk (kidding, guys I swear).

Emily shows up and plops down on the couch next to Ryan. This is where the two share a painfully awkward conversation while the guys watch (and judge). S**t gets awkward quick.

When they finally get up to leave, the guys share the painful SE they all just experienced. For once, I feel like I have something in common with these bros. “My skin was crawling” says Wolfman. You and me both buddy. You and me both.

So we’re on the date and from the looks of it, it appears that Emily dislikes Ryan as much as every other living human does (well, except for Ryan himself).

These two crazy kids head off on a road trip with Ryan behind the wheel. I cannot contain my amusement as EVERY SINGLE CAR honks and gives Ryan the finger (okay, maybe I made up that last part. Wishful thinking.) By the time they make it to the fishing boat, Ryan has already said the words “Trophy Wife” at least two times. If you drank every time you heard it on this date, it would have been hard to crawl out of bed this morning.

They head off on the sea for some oysters and Ryan says some more insulting and condescending things to Emily while simultaneously complementing himself at every opportunity. I contemplate fast-forwarding just to get through this awfulness.

Instead I sit through it and wonder out loud why Ryan shaves his beard like that. Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention it earlier but the dudes informed us that he also shaves his legs, arms and ear hair every day. BLECH.

More trophy wife talk with this line, “She is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and I’m pretty sure I have a good shot at it being mine.” Why oh Why did she not push him overboard?

Now it’s time for the dinner portion. If you thought it was going to be more of Ryan talking about himself, you’d be right. He even prepared a list of 12 things he’s looking for in a wife during his free time last night. On the list:  beautiful, a servant to her family (REALLY? REALLY? What year is this?), someone who catches his eye and a sexy personality.

Thankfully, when it comes time for the rose, Emily finally realizes that Ryan is the biggest schmuck and decides NOT to give him the rose. HALLELUJAH.

Our shouts of joy quickly turn to rage as Ryan will not get up and go wallow in his defeat. Instead, he gets a little defensive with Emily. Telling her “he’s shocked” and that she’s making a bad decision. Um, Ryan – this is single-handedly the best decision Emily has made all season. Get up and LEAVE NOW!

Once again, he remains and glares at her in the most awkward way possible, trying to force her to give him the rose. Isn’t there a Bachelorette Bouncer? You know some giant dude that can come and carry the guy off to his taxi so we don’t have to watch this shiz.

And just like that, the minute we’d all been waiting for is here. Ding dong the witch is dead! Ryan is gone. Clearly he’s shocked but this obviously opens up his schedule to be on Bachelor Pad where he will hook up with desperate girls and attempt (but fail miserably) to win $125K. “I’ve been blessed with many worldly gifts… ” Ryan says as American gives a collective eye roll. Save it for Bachelor Pad buddy.

When the guys back at the hotel see Ryan’s bag being pulled out the door, they erupt into cheers “HooRay!” and I can’t help but wish I was there to high-five them.

ZOOM OUT! ZOOM OUT! (Image: BuddyTv)

Before we can get to the rose ceremony though, Arie pulls a Courtney and surprises Emily with a visit. And by visit, I mean an opportunity to do some heavy petting without the other guys around. He blabbers on about caring about her feelings before going in for some loud, slurping kisses. I can’t bear to watch and instead talk with Drew about how awkward it must be for the camera man. You know it’s some 300 lb sweaty white guy with a headset being ordered to ‘ZOOM IN MORE.’ I can see his head shaking in disgust as he zooms in on their game of tonsil hockey. Okay, enough. I can’t even write about it anymore.

Moral of the story: Emily tells Arie he’s going to get a rose.

Rose Ceremony Time

It’s party time and Emily looks awesome. I think this may be my favorite of the dresses she’s worn (I know, I know, you don’t care).

Doug & the Wolf are on the chopping blocks so Emily settles in for some one-on-one time with them. Wolf shares the story of his grandparents love before shedding some baby tears which open up the way for him to move in for a kiss. Still not sure if he’ll hang around but a worthy effort on his part.

Next up is Doug. Doug Doug Doug. I wasn’t really prepared for all the crying. Truth be told, I zoned out when they were talking only to be brought back by the sound of his sobs.

There are no words to describe what happened, so instead I’ll let you watch. Be forewarned, it is BAD.

Dougy fresh misses his little boy BIG TIME. Like BIG TIME. I can understand that but maybe he should save those tears for some solo time in his hotel room. NOT NOT NOT in front of the cameras. Doug, one day your son will get older and his friends will discover You Tube and they’ll see this. Oh the embarrassment.

Back at the gathering, the dudes sit around and talk about how they’ve all tongue kissed the same girl… in the last five minutes.

And just like that it’s rose time.

Chris has a rose (BUMMER). The other roses go to…

  • Sean
  • Jef
  • Arie

and….wait what? Emily just up and leaves. She runs down CH and let’s him know that she’s having trouble. So wait, she’s not going to give the rose to either… NAH… gotcha! False drama.  She gives them both a rose!

Doug and Wolfman got to turn those serious frowns upside down. The entire group date gives a sigh of relief and we’re out!

p.s. Raise your hand if you thought wolf would still be here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Next up is Prague. (You know, another perfect place to fall in love.) The previews look good though. It appears our boy Arie has been hiding something! Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

What were your thoughts on last night’s episode? What do you think of Emily? Most importantly – How happy are you that Ryan is gone!?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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