Category Archives: The Bachelorette

“I was born. I had a Mom and a Dad. Just like you.” Lessons in {Thug} Life and Love on The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 2

Can we all agree that it appears that ABC and the producers have thrown in the towel and are just letting this thing get as weird/awkward/embarrassing as possible? If so, I think we can all move forward with Des’ season prepared for the madness that’s to come.

Where can I get more of this guy? Image: ABC

Preview are up and I’m already becoming consumed from head to toe in secondary embarrassment (which was referred to, quite often, in the tweets as second-hand embarrassment. Let’s all stick to one term, you know, the one that leads to my blog). This Soulja Boy music video has the makings of an epic SE experience. I’m still mentally preparing when we get to the house where we’re all met with an eyeful of…

AMERICAN APPAREL V-NECK TEES

What is this? An infomercial for v-necks, the rejects from their latest ad campaign, a gay vacation spot? I’m leaning towards the last because these shirts are just way too snug and way too plunging for a roomful of straight men.

There is one exception, sweet little Drew but instead of his standard issue v-neck, he’s got on one of their signature hoodies. Maybe one of the dates should be to the factory sweatshop where they make these. (Too much? Sorry)

The first date card arrives and it goes to the WAY over eager, Brooks.

“I’m doing arm pumps, I’m doing the Rocky Balboa, I’m pumped.” Um, Brooks – what exactly are “arm pumps?”

There’s something about Brooks that is just off. I’m pretty sure it’s the combo of his giant teeth and the wavy semi-mullet he’s rocking. Add to that a slight lisp and his childish/girly excitement and I’m thinking there’s no way he’s looking to get married to a lady. Married? Sure. To a girl? Not convinced yet.

But enough about Brooks’ sexuality, let’s focus our attention on Desiree’s outfit. Why in the F is she wearing black, shiny riding boots with a hot pink tank top? Can Emily Maynard stop by and help this gal pick out some ‘fits? There’s got to be someone in the LA area that can stand outside Des’ love shed and give her yays or nays on outfit selection. I’m available for hire if not.

Anyways, all the other dudes are totally jealous and offer grunts galore as Brooks & Des (not to be confused with Brooks & Dunn although in a twist, Brooks does look very similar to Ronny Dunn) hop into her Technicolor Bentley.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the way Ben pronounced the word genuine as “Gen U WINE?” Hey Ben, that pronunciation refers to a hottie r&b singer best known for his hit single “Pony.”

Des’ decides there’s no better time than the present to take things to the awkward extreme – so our first date is at a bridal salon. You know, because what is a straight guy’s ideal date?

Wait did you say watching you shop?

No that’s not it.

Watching you shop for WEDDING DRESSES?

Yup! Nailed it.

Brooks is all into it though (obviously) and they play dress up until they find the prefect ensemble to run around the streets on LA in. Unfortunately for us all, they didn’t pick my favorite pairing – the green suit with whatever Desiree was wearing.

Next stop, the Hollywood sign where they officially ruin a national landmark and Des shares some sob story about how the sign is some beacon of hope for her. More talk of fairy tales and princes. Woof.

Just when you thought you had been spared from total misery, you find out that this date is still going on.

But instead of coming up with something new, we’re treated to the EXACT SAME DATE that Lindsay and Kalon went on during Bachelor Pad. Same sketchy neighborhood, same closed off street, same chandelier and I’m pretty sure the food is left over too. Nice work.

Whatever it’s not like I’m mad, these two definitely deserve sloppy seconds.

After some sob story spewing (with a 50% divorce rate in this country, can we all stop acting like your parents splitting up is the equivalent of like losing a limb?) Brooks gets the rose and I pray for a commercial break.

But we’re back at the bropad where the doorbell interrupts push-up-palooza. The group date card is revealed and I’m just happy because we get a quick look at Juan Pablo. Thank you ABC for throwing us that bone.

WAIT and then we’re back at this date. Why won’t this end?

There’s a concert, which Brooks calls “magical.” (The case continues to grow against this guy.) And then it happens. Brooks starts dancing and a small piece of my soul dies.

Did you all see it? Hopefully you didn’t it. It was beyond horrible. But I did the whole train wreck move where you want to look away bit instead you rewind it three times to make sure it was real life.

Desiree closes with a warning to us all: “Tonight set the tone of the rest of my journey.” Oh lord, it’s time to reconsider watching this season.

My apologies to Andy Grammar (that singer guy in case you, like me, had no idea what his name was) for having to witness that madness. Time to talk to your agent Andy.

Speaking of talking to your agent, Soulja Boy – you’re on deck.

Who’s here for the right reasons? I’m looking at you Dan, Juan Pablo, Will, Zak K., Ryan, Drew, James, Mike D., Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon, Ben and whatever the guy who read the card’s name is.

Next stop on the journey is one for the record books. We’ve seen many an awkward and embarrassing photo shoot but nothing like this before. Yes, we’re filming a rap video (that will never be seen anywhere other than this show).

I know, I can’t believe how slutty I look either! Image: ABC

Not sure how much Soulja Boy got paid to do this but it certainly was not enough.

They show up at some nondescript McMansion and find Des is a SNUG dress. I want to hate her (I do hate the dress) but her body is on point. Shes accompanied by the Boy of Soldiers who explains that they will each need to do a quick rap to determine who will be the best worst and therefore, win a speaking/rapping (let’s not really call this rapping – it’s more like spoken word).

“Who wants to show me some love,” SB yells and the guys simultaneously attack him and start kissing him. Okay, that didn’t happen but they all did emphatically raise their hands in eagerness.

Here’s hoping Soulja Boy got REALLY HIGH before filming this.

A select few guys are chosen for their douchiness resemblance to Bachelorette stars gone past. I can’t help but squeal in delight when I realize that the producers are in on the Kasey Kahl lookalike status and have assigned him the plum “guard and protect your heart” role. Robert Mills FTW!

Bonus points for casting Ben as Mad Brad in Plaid. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’d take another season of Brad before another moment of watching this turd burglar.

The “rap song” they are performing is titled “Right Reasons.” One of the big buzzwords on this show alongside journey and anything said with “Most” and “Ever” as bookends. The fact that they were able to get the tune stuck in my head has me regretting I ever watched this show in the first place but at least it showcased these guys willingness to do anything to be on TV.

I’m getting paid for this right? Image: ABC

This entire segment is a blur because I spend half of shielding my eyes and half of it with my eyes glazed over, trying to comprehend what is happening on-screen.

I lose all faith in Des when I realize that she is kind of enjoying this. I also spend a good part of the segment wondering where they are hiding Juan Pablo. Come out come out wherever you are!

I come to when I hear Des say “It’s nice to see that looks and personality can combine” and I wonder if they have just introduced another cast member because I know she can’t be talking about any of the guys on this date. (Except JP but we all know that she has no idea what is personality is like since he mostly only speaks Spanish.)

This madness goes on about 10 minutes too long and we’re finally a wrap. Poor Poor Soulja Boy. Is this what your career has come to SB?

Thank god we’re done with this horrible rap video and moving on to the part where they get liquored up and fight.

Des is hopeful and excited since, “From what I’ve seen there are a lot of guys that are marriage material.” Um Des, you okay? I’m worried about you. Have you been watching the same thing I have? Yikes a million.

Biggest surprise of the night comes early when Zak W. (or as I refer to him, no shirt guy) presents Des with a somewhat heartfelt gift. It seems nice until we realize that he gave her a used, old notebook. Just what she’s always wanted (and duh, you know all the drawers at her place are stocked with diaries. We’ll be seeing her jot down her emotions in them as she whittles away some of you losers).

Who knew shirtless dude would bring a thoughtful antique present. Although the chances he picked it out himself are slim to none. Oh Zak W.

P.S. – Love the fight going on in the tweets. Although I’m on team no tweets for selfish reasons since I haven’t had a chance to live tweet the show.

While Brandon channels his inner (very emotional) Kasey Kahl, Ben is going the creeper route by sneaking up behind anyone talking to Des. His creepy smile and deep side part makes me wonder how many girls he roofied in college. It appears the rest of the guys are on to this though and have pegged Ben as the guy that’s “not here for the right reasons, right reasons, here for all the wrong reasons.” (Sing it with me friends!)

Ben is back using his kid for brownie points and generally being sketchy. The way he gropes her face gives me SE chills just thinking about it. There is definitely a trail of sexual assaults following this guy.

Some other observations from the bro-party:

* Mikey is definitely not going to win but I like having him around. Even if he does get all distracted when Ben complements his shoes.

* Brandon has got to stick around. He’s got a lot more embarrassment in him and I can’t wait to hear what he says next time he gets a couple of champagnes in him.
“I was born. I had a mom and a dad like you.” Thanks bro. You and everyone else.

These sob stories are getting out of hand. Is that a requirement on the application? If so, we’re going to need to step up our game. Sarah from last season had a sob story (you know, she was missing an arm). We’re going to need to get on that level if this is a new requirement.

* Juan Pablo hasn’t gotten nearly enough screen time.

Just like every contestant on this show before her, Des gives the rose to the contestant everyone else hates. The guys sneer as Ben gives that smirky smile that makes you wonder if he’s hiding something (or someone) in his trunk.

Roadtrippin with Bryden

Last up is a good old-fashioned road trip with Bryden. Other than the spelling of his name, there’s not much that I hate about Bryden. Scratch that, his bangs. I hate those bangs. Can we get someone to cut those stat?

Des picks Bryden up and he’s pumped. “She looks amazing, the car looks amazing.” Good thing you put them in that order bro. He probably would have switched it up if the car wasn’t that girly color.

Points to Bryden for actually wanting to drive (Brooks, you could have at least asked). But no Bentley for you buddy. It’s time to hop in that passenger’s seat cause Des is driving.

Des is pumped about taking this Montana boy on a California road trip, “For him to experience this is just insane.”

Hey Des, I’m thinking that’s not the adjective you were going for there. Maybe really exciting, very cool, such a fun experience. Insane, not so much.

This is followed up with the comment that “All you need is a car, some gas and some good company.” Well good thing you all have two out of three.

First stop is the beach where Sean filmed all his shirtless beach montages. Can’t we find another beach in California ABC? Is this the only one that allows filming?

Next stop is Ojai. They do a little orange grove exploring while I explore the Internets for new items to add to my closet.

Sorry pals, when the third date isn’t totally embarrassing, I tend to lose my attention and start online shopping.

But I know things are getting romantic when I name that tune in two notes – EPIC LOVE MIX!

It’s dinner time now and it appears that Bryden is quickly able to kill Des’ appetite by showing off some pictures of a serious car wreck he was in.

Was I the only one wondering why he just carries those around? Obviously he printed them out to show her before the season but did he really thing the first date was the best time to show those off?

Either way, we learn that this experience is what led him to join the military. Still no insight on what led to that haircut though. Clearly he knew what was up though, Des loves that he’s “opening up” and gives him the rose.

Now it’s on to, BY FAR, the biggest SE moment of the show (and that’s saying something. oh and because I’m a pal, I included the video). Des and Bryden in the hot tub. They inch closer together like two middle schoolers and then stare at each other going back and forth talking about “how great” today was.

I want to walk up to them and push their heads together while yelling “JUST KISS ALREADY!” As I shielded my eyes from the events taking place on screen, I saw Drew make a break for the next room. Too overcome with SE to even be within the vicinity of the television.

Thankfully Des recognizes the pain we’re all in and tells him to “just kiss me already.” I immediately feel relieved but the relief is only momentary because I’ve forgotten how horrible the slurpy, sloppy kissing noise is.

Just when I’m about to make a run for it, they end the scene.

Rose Time.

This post has gotten WAY long so I’m going to try to keep this short.

First up, what’s up with Desiree’s mermaid dress?

Second, hey Michael from Miami – I want to like you since I’m from the MIA too but that diabetes story was WAY TOO DRAMATIC. You know Des though he was about to tell her he accidentally ran over his little brother or had a love child in high school. Instead, he just drops some low blood sugar knowledge. Bro, that can be controlled. Let’s not take this whole sob story requirement too far.

Third, Ben you have got to stop being such a stage four clinger. The way you just circle around convos like a shark in bloody water is making me MUY UNCOMFORTABLE (that Spanish was for you Juan Pablo).

Not cool how you totally cut-off Michael even if he was telling a completely over dramatic story.

And then that part about it being your little secret that you’re the only one who has kissed her. Um, jokes on you buddy. It’s her little secret that she’s already kissed like four dudes.

Last, Mikey I love that you’re trying to be a stand up guy and call Ben out but it just seems a little early. Either way, I still heart you and your snug suits.

Woosh – There you are CH. I thought you’d never show up to save us. It’s rose time.

Brooks, Ben and Bryden are all safe (say that three times fast).

Roses go to…

* James
* Kasey
* Dan
* Juan Pablo – YES! HOLLA!
* Brad
* Chris
* Brian
* Zak W.
* Drew
* Mikey
* Zak K.
* Michael Diabetes
* Brandon

All I know is that she cut that cutie little Armie Hammer lookalike. Bummer.

What did you all think? Did you survive that rap-sanity? What do you think about next week?
That GF that makes an appearance kind of looks like Olivia Munn to me.

Anyways, until next time… stay tuned!

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DESperate Measures or How ABC learned to stop fighting it and embrace the insanity. The Bachelorette Season 9 Episode 1 Recap

Did you guys think I’d never come back? You probably never cared enough to ask but alas, here I am. Back for another mind-numbing season of The Bachelorette.

In general, I love The Bachelor more (obviously Bachelor Pad is #1 in my book but since it was cancelled, Bachelor, by default, gets the #1 slot) but Bachelorette can be counted on for 1. the largest assembled group of douchebags outside The Jersey Shore 2. 25 hugely overinflated egos 3. abs for days 4. hair gel. lots and lots of hair gel.

Do I have anything in my teeth? Image: ABC

This season is no different. But you know what is, Des. Not sure how I feel about her. First off, I hate how EVERYONE calls her Des. No one has even attempted to call her Desiree yet. I can totally understand why but really, you all just met. Let’s skip the overly familiar nicknames for now. Second, what is the deal with her Bachelorette pad? Did they lose the lease on that swanky pad down the road from the mansion? And last, what’s the deal with the seafoam Bentley. Was a standard black one not available? Was it necessary for her to look like she’s driving one of those ’04 throwback Thunderbirds?

Whats neither here nor there. I’m committed to watching this season. If nothing else to see who the dude with the girlfriend is, haha who am I kidding. I’m watching to see those dudes get in a fight (why they would fight over Des is beyond me but I guess that’s what makes it worth watching).

High five if you hate your life right now? Image: ABC

So anyways, last night I decided that I needed to get back into the show without taking notes. So today’s post will be strictly from memory and will not include as many completely ridiculous direct quotes. Instead you’ll have to thank your brain for immediately forgetting them so they can’t haunt your secondary embarrassment dreams forever.

On to the show:

I’ve already mentioned my displeasure with the new bachelorette-pad so I’ll move on to Chris Harrison’s obvious displeasure for Des and his own dignity (What was up with that shirt CH? Floral trim, really? Bring back the Brad Plaid!). Seriously, how miz did he look in that cliff side interview. I know the sun had to be in his eyes (intentionally to shield him from Des’ out of control fake eye lashes) but he couldn’t have looked more bored. Clearly he was just counting down until he could escape to knock back a few cocktails before the party.

Next up, let’s discuss that montage. Did you see the part where Des (not sure why I think it’s appropriate to call her Des myself but whatever – I’m sticking with it. Yeah I get it, I’m a hypocrite) slid down that concrete ball thing? WHAT THE WHAT WAS THAT? I get that we have to see the silly, senior pose moments but that shit was unreal. Can’t it just be like what they do for the dudes – basically just showing them in a bathing suit (+ American Apparel tank top)? If I had forgotten what extreme secondary embarrassment felt like in the off-season, there was no escaping it once that bit of brilliance hit the screen.

Side note: Drink every time Des says “this is a dream come true,” “i feel like a princess” and/or makes any sort of fairy tale reference. For the record Des, you are no Disney Princess.

Now on to the guys. Where in the hell did they find these people? I didn’t even realize that so many guys still wore that much hair gel. Also, I get that you have muscles but is it so hard to get your suit tailored to keep it from looking like you’re about to HULK out of it? Couldn’t that magician/tailor have done some last minute fittings?

On to the magician, Nick, is it bad that I liked him? Not sure why because he committed so many of the SE cardinal sins but something about him didn’t make me want to run down the street to escape my TV. Lord, at least he was more up front with his day job than the “Painting Contractor” and the “Plumbing Contractor.” Oh you mean you’re a painter and a plumber? That’s cool. Those dudes can make some solid dough but let’s call it what it is, k?

Out of left field Side note: Not sure how I feel about the live twitter feed during the show. I kind of love it because it shows that ABC knows this show is a joke and fully embraces it. But I also get kind of jealous since I never live-tweet the show and will therefor never get my 1.5 seconds of fleeting twitter fame. Oh well, I do love that @finalrose account.

Moving on to the rest of the guys – there are A LOT of lookalikes this season and you all know how much I love lookalikes (well maybe you didn’t but now you do).

Up first: Brandon and Kasey “Guard and Protect Your Heart” Kahl

Brandon and Kasey Kahl Lookalike Don’t even act like you don’t see it. It becomes even more pronounced (or less pronounced maybe) when he talks and you can see that he has the same tiny, tiny mouth as Kasey. Not sure how I feel about Brandon. Don’t hate him… yet.

Next up, Dan and Jeff Probst.

jeff probst and dan lookalike

Props to Dan for being one of like three guys on the show that didn’t load up a case of L.A. Looks before coming on the show.

LA Looks Gel

Wish I could have found a lookalike for that L.A. Looks bottle but alas – it was one of a kind.

Last but not least, Robert and Armie Hammer. And yes, I intentionally chose a crappy picture of Armie Hammer – sorry Armie and not just because your name is Armie.

armie hammer and robert lookalike Okay so now that I’ve got that out of my system, on to the rest of the events.

Since I abandoned my computer this episode (the real truth – it was dead and I had no power cord. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail – I know, I know), there will be no detailed explanation of every douchebag and the seriously douchey thing he did to impress/mortify/embarrass Des. Here were the most memorable:

* Nick. I told you I liked the magician. I liked the trick. I’m not even embarrassed about it.

* Larry the ER doctor/raging alcoholic. What the what buddy? So the dip didn’t go as planned, that’s no reason to throw yourself off the deep end into a glass of scotch. Yikes a million.

* That sleezy dude that used his kid as rose bait. I get it bud, your little guy is precious. But dragging him out here to parade in front of Des gave me the mehs. I’m guessing that his mom just REALLY wanted to get a peek at the mansion and this was the only way to make it less than pathetic. What’s that guy’s name? Ben. It looks like he’s in the running for supreme douche from the previews.

* Zack. What the what are you wearing? The tuxedo cutting off circulation to his head and those chucks made him look like an overgrown four-year old (I’m hoping you all like that joke because it went over well with Drew). I’m guessing he packed up his collection of v-neck tees and can’t wait to break them out with some snug shorts on the next episode. Will he pair them with TOMS? We can only wait to find out but one things for certain: Zack, my friend, you are no Sean.

* Hashtag Guy. #killmenow

* Brooks. This guy is a total Monet (sorry I watched Clueless this weekend and needed to work in a reference). From first glance, he seems alright but then he opens his mouth and you see those wonky teeth and hear his effeminate voice. It’s disarming. Also, cut your hair.

* Armor Suit. I’ve only got three words. Bless His Heart.

* High Five Guy. Is Will on a mission to set the world record for most high-fives on one network TV show? Dude is high fiving the plants, each contestant – twice, the limo driver, Des, the waterfall, the guy that waters down the driveway before the limos arrive, my mom, his mom, EVERYONE.

* And the only one seriously worth remembering in my book, sweet sweet Juan Pablo. I’ve got a soft spot for the latin lover (see: Roberto) and JP is no exception. He’s got no chance of winning but here’s hoping she keeps him around long enough for some gratuitous shirtless shots poolside. Hola!

At the party, it’s now standard practice to just go handing out roses willy nilly. Thanks a lot Sean. I can appreciate the anxiety this gives everyone though. The mix of panic (for fear of missing out on their 19 second of fame) and testosterone makes for a pretty deadly combination and dudes are going all out to get their moment with Des. Why? I’m still not sure. Guys and just swinging from the portico trying to steal her away from one another.

Each rose symbolizes your willingness to abandon your morals, dignity and self-respect.
Image: ABC

Since I forgot to mention the shirtless Chippendale’s dancer in my first impression section, he warrants a mention now. Can one human be any tanner? I’d love for him to make it to hometowns just so we could see what his natural skin tone is supposed to be. For all we know, his mom could be a red head. Also, really with the no shirt? It’s like you automatically won the first douche-pression rose. The fact that Des gave him one after he jumped in the pool just shows the kind of gal we’re working with. At least the creepy fantasy suite frat guy put some thought into his douchebaggery.

Speaking of the fantasy suite frat guy, can we all just give him a moment of recognition. Lil buddy was hella persistent. I know all the twitter people were hating on the fantasy suite card when he got out of the limo but I thought then that it was mildly clever. And it should have made Des feel better since she never got one of those from Sean. Then our forward friend got a little too much franzia in his system and started to set the mood like it was a Boys II Men video. I was hoping that one of the producers would “accidentally” lock him in there so we could watch him panic as his rose dreams burned down like those giant pillar candles he relocated.

Des puts her foot down, cause you know – she wants to be treated like a lady (um, I’ve seen the previews Des and heavy petting and open mouth kissing while pinned up against a building in the middle of the street does not a lady make). So her kicks Jonathan out. So much for you being the creepiest dude here anymore Larry.

It seems like poor Des knows that she’s been intentionally given the worst group of bachelorette contestants ever assembled (just had to get some good ole fashioned Bachelor hyperbole in there for you). Poor thing is just running around, trying to avoid getting hair gel in her eye, self tanner on her dress and the smell of Drakkar Noir out of her hair.

In the end, she keeps a rag tag team of nice guys (and by nice guys, I mean guys with good jobs), abs guys and cutie pies (i’m looking at your childish good looks Drew). There’s also a few questionable picks (both Zacks, Mikey) and a few guys you can’t remember ever seeing before (Brad, Nick M.). So we’ll see how this plays out.

Next week, I promise to power up the laptop and get my note taking on. I also promise to prepare more for the onslaught of SE that is sure to take over next week.

What do you think of Des? What was your most cringe-inducing moment? Who’s your favorite, or better yet least favorite?

More importantly (to me only) are you hype that SE is back? Should I try to tackle more shows?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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“The best news I’ve ever heard.” Love & Marriage on The Bachelorette Season 8 Finale

 

In case you missed it, last night was officially THE MOST DRAMATIC AND EMOTIONAL MOMENT IN THE HISTORY OF SUMMER TELEVISION. Making it slightly more dramatic than the finale of American Ninja Warrior.

ABC, obviously realizing the untapped gold mine they have in Chris Harrison, decided to go live this finale. Not just for the After the Rose special but with cut-ins and background sound (laugh track anyone?) all episode long. After experiencing the entire show, I’m not sure how I felt about it. I appreciated the laughter at times but definitely could have gone for less of the clap if you love Jef/Arie bits.

It’s just you and me now buddy. (Image: ABC/Roman Fransisco)

Anyways… we’re back in Curacao and I hope you all have mentally prepared for how insanely dramatic, emotional and shocking this episode is going to be.

Emily has moved from her sex suite to a more suitable family abode now that RICKY IS BACK! (Side note: did you all see how snug that red skirt was? Couldn’t they have added a slit or something to that puppy? She was struggling to get up those pool bridge stairs.)

So Little Ricky is back and she brought her fanny pack. Not hating at all. I was kinda digging Ricky’s yellow chevron fanny pack. Possessionista - any tips on where I can find that? (Also, I think it’s worth noting that I yelled “Get it Girl” at the TV when Ricky was acting all sassy. Cue your secondary embarrassment for me.)

Enough gushing on Ricky though, it’s time for the parentals to meet the dudes. So let’s get to it.

Meet the Maynards

First impressions of the Maynards:

  • Suzy: Loves ciggies. Loves being a blonde. Loves her baby girl. (in that order)
  • David: Loves Key West and using awesome country slang. (love him)
  • Ernie: Not here to mess around. Stone cold and ready to grill the dudes. p.s. – he also looks like this guy. (definitely more relevant if you’ve ever been to the KY State Fair, which I’m guessing is very few of you)

Freddy the Farmer or Ernie’s Giant Twin Brother

Kicking it Old School with Jef

Jef is up first and he’s clearly dressed up for the introductions. That is if dressing like a girlier version of James Dean is dressed up. But this get up impresses Emily who thinks he “looks nice.” Props to Jef for bringing flowers for the ladies though. It may even excuse the converse.

After some general chit-chat, which basically was Jef gushing about Emily, it’s time for Suz to get her one-on-one with Jef. Suzy let’s us know that ole dirty dog Brad “stole her heart” (and all her family’s plaid hunting gear) so she’s a little weary of letting another guy into the fam. Especially when it involves being a daddy to “little Ricky” (how HYPE were you all when she said that? I was LOVING it).  But Jef is ready for this, so he basically recites the love letter he wrote to Emily. Suz decides that Jef is alright and heads out back to smoke a ciggy.

Next up is the grilling from Ernie. If I’m Ernie I’m wondering how in the hell my sister ended up with the white Bruno Mars (scratch that, Ernie definitely doesn’t know who Bruno Mars is). He acts some questions while staring a whole in that up do before letting Jef off the hook. But not before throwing in the dagger about how much the fam all loved the original Ricky. No pressure bud.

Last but not least it’s time for Daddy Maynard who I already LOVE because he is sporting a Key West fishing shirt. Anyone who loves Key West is alright in my book. I’m already digging him when I hear him say to Jef, “Let’s get in here with some air conditionin’.” This guy is great. I’m guessing we got the very condensed version of this talk because within 30 seconds Poppa M is giving Jef the seal of approval to marry his girl.

And that’s how Jef won over the Maynards. Poems, professing love and digging the AC. As much as I hate to admit it, at this point I’m #teamjef

Jef’s surprising win with the family sends Emily into a tizzy. They loved Jef but will they love Arie? Will I ever actually use this fan I’ve been carrying around for weeks? Do you think my parents will get uncomfortable watching Arie & I neck for 20 minutes? So many questions, time to get some answers.

Around the world in 80 (sloppy) kisses.

Arie’s on the scene and it appears he and Jef both decided that dressing down (WAY DOWN) was the way to the Maynard’s hearts (what they didn’t realize is that a fishing shirt was the way but that’s neither here nor there).

I guess it’s because he’s head over heels in love but the goofy, dopey face Arie always makes has got to go (along with that 3/4 length Henley tee). He and Emily meet up for a quick sloppy kiss before heading inside to the firing squad.

Side note: Does Ernie know he’s in Curacao? Loosen up buddy… borrow one of Pops’ fishing shirts and throw on some shorts. It’s a vacation!

So the crew welcomes Arie into the living room and immediately wants him to leave after he awkwardly talks for the first 5 minutes (okay, maybe that’s just me). He admits to not fishing (strike one) but loving kissing Emily more than anything.

Suzy finally breaks up the awkwardness by inviting Arie back to her fantasy suite. Their convo is pretty standard with Momma Bear laying on thick the need for a daddy in Little Ricky’s life (side note: who is watching my girl Ricky?). Arie says he’s ready to be a daddy since he’s been on the single mom dating circuit for years (strike two). The convo concludes with a quick make out session and a ciggy.

Once again, Ernie is up next. He wants to hate Arie but his charm and full head of hair, in the end, win Ernie over too.

“After talking with Arie, I’m confused,” says Ernie who I’m guessing is confused as to why his sister is going to end up with one of these sissies.

Daddy Maynard is up last (once again sporting a Key West fishing shirt!) and he;s not so quick to give the blessing this time. But after playing hard to get, he finally gives it (and tells him “Boy, you better learn to fish if you want a place in this family.”)

With the much-needed blessing, Arie is ready to get his shop on with Neil Lane but not before a few more LOUD, SLOPPY KISSES. (Why why why are they so loud?)

Let’s Talk it Over

With the meet and greets over, Emily needs her family’s help deciding which guy is for her. But they’re all “you got yourself into this mess” and don’t give her a clear winner. So she’s left to decide on her own. Well, thanks a lot family – some help you were. You got a sweet ass vacation for free and you can’t even help a sister/daughter out? (Like they care, they just came to do some fishing.)

Decision Making Time

Since her family was no help at all, Emily needs to go on one last date with the guys to see which one she’s like to swap spit with for the rest of her days.

Jef is up first and he’s once again sporting one of his favorite Gap Pocket Tees. They head out for a walk along the beach where they can talk about their feelings and watch each others’ hair (mainly Jef’s) blow in the wind.

They site down and the convo goes like this:

Jef: I like, really, like need to like to meet Ricky. Like soon to know if I like want to marry you and like spend the rest of like my days with you.

Emily: Um (runs tongue over teeth) I know it’s really important for you to meet Ricky (pulls back that one piece of hair and tucks it no where) but I’m nervous (purses lips together). But since we’re possibly going to get married (pulls that piece of hair back again), let’s meet that little rug rat of mine.

And so they do.

They creep on Ricky while she’s swimming with one of her nanny (who disappears once Jef & Emily arrive). Surprise Ricky! It’s your new Daddy (or Daddy option #1).

Not gonna lie, Jef is really cute/sweet with Ricky. They kick it in the pool while Emily attempts to keep her extensions dry. It’s like their little family was meant to be. Even Monkey can’t resist Jef’s charm (and amazing puppetry skills).

Jef, Ricky, Emily & Monkey = Besties. (Image: Buddy TV)

Seems like Ricky (and her fanny pack) are on #teamjef too (did you see her try to go in for a hug but JEf kinda freaked out and went for a high-five?)  Maybe time to call this one.

They end their time together with a “dinner” date where Jef presents Emily with a gift. Oh NO! Please don’t tell me it’s a scrap-book. Just when I’ve started to like you Jef.

Ah but my fears are put aside when I see that it’s just a nice book of Curacao that Jef has vandalized with little stick people (okay it was kinda cute). Emily is a smitten kitten and we know it’s love because ABC has cued up Track 8: EPIC LOVE!

We break for some lame ass audience interviews before we’re back….

… for a sit down with Chris Harrison. Wowser, this sounds like it’s going to be some serious business.

Emily says that after introducing Jef to Ricky she knew that he was the one for her. She loves kissing Arie too but he’s just not her forever guy. (WOOO HOOO! I scream out loud almost waking my sleeping child.) CH makes sure this is the decision she wants to make (I mean he did see them open mouth kiss approximately 2435435452343242398 times). Emily is sure and she wants to end it today. Ruh Roh. This is gonna be awkward.

Drew has already buried his head in his blanket when Arie comes on-screen for what has to be the most awkward, secondary embarrassment-laden one-on-one in Bachelorette history (see what i did there? gotta love some hyperbole).

Arie tells us all that he is getting engaged tomorrow. He’s found the love of his life, his soul mate and the mother of his future children. Except he didn’t…. typing this now, the SE is setting in. I am fighting the urge to crawl under my desk and pretend this whole thing never happened. He goes on to say, “The moment when Emily can look into my eyes and tell me how she really feels is going to feel so good.” YIKES. No it’s not.Trust me – It’s not going to feel even a little good at all.

Emily is “heart-broken” mostly because she’s realized that her kissing escapades must finally come to an end.

To make matters worse, the producers let Arie proceed with their date without Emily. He is making a love potion. Yes, really. Just when you thought this couldn’t get any more painful to watch, they have the dude concoct his own love potion. Better hang on to that buddy cause you’re going to need it.

Emily finally arrives and Arie is ready to sprinkle his love potion all over her (eww not like that you dirty minds!). At this point, Drew has taken refuge in our laundry room. Voluntarily changing laundry just to avoid this awfulness.

The break up is written all over Emily’s face but Arie can’t see it (I blame the love potion). He is all excited and proudly presents the potion. Emily even lets him rub it on her arm (NO NO NO!) and goes through the motions on him complimenting her bird necklace before telling him they need to talk.

oh god oh god oh god… my secondary embarrassment is at an all time high. I think this may be worse than Ben’s proposal gone wrong. 

“It smells like I’m dumping you.”

I don’t remember exactly how Emily breaks it down (mostly because I was covered in SE hives and hiding behind my computer for cover) but she basically says “it’s not you, it’s Jef.” He’s all pissed that a dude with only one F in his name is beating him at this kissing contest. But I’ll give old dude credit. Other than the horrible, “What did I do?” He keeps his dignity intact and gets out of there quick. ‘Thank you for sparing me the embarrassment of proposing tomorrow,” he says while all of America agrees.

Emily wants to hash it out but Arie is all “i’m fiiiinnnne” and runs into the awaiting car.

And just like that, it’s over. I feel like ABC should show the montage of kisses now but that may be in poor taste.

Arie keeps it together, kinda, in the car giving the standard, “I feel naive, I feel stupid… I didn’t deserve this.” schpeel.

After Emily reflects on her decision in a puddle of muddy water, we cut to the audience. OK C’MON PEOPLE. Are they serious? No body died. The expressions on the audiences faces are totally ridiculous. You’d think someone just killed all their cats. It’s the exact opposite of the “YOU GET A CAR! YOU GET A CAR!” scene from Oprah. I can’t help but laugh out loud. Looking back, I think that laugh really helped me recover from that overdose of SE. Thanks ABC.

Let’s Get Married

Before we can get to the proposal, we get to catch up with the most boring Bachelorette ever – Ashley and her hunka hunka buring love of a man JP (gah he’s hot). We also get to see what Ashley Spivey is working with. Get. It. Girl. Did you all see that booty? Did she get new boobs? Either way her body is smoking. Here’s hoping she’s on Bachelor Pad next year.

The proposal day goes pretty standard. Mommy and Ricky do some journaling in their PJ’s while Jef meets up with Neil Lane to pick out the goodies.

I’m thinking we should try to incorporate Neil into the show more. This guy is gold (no pun intended). The ring “Jef picks” (you know Emily picked all those out before) is stunning and more importantly, free.

Jef throws on his new J.Crew hipster suit while Emily throws on the dress she wore to compete for the Miss North Carolina 2004 pageant.

As we wait, Drew points out that Jef & Emily can share skinny jeans which has got to be one of the reasons they make such a perfect pair.

Emily takes her place… at the city square. Wait, what? I’ve definitely seen at least 3 different beaches used for filming in Curacao. Couldn’t they use one of those instead of a random street corner. (Side note: some of those shutters in the background were fake props. That doesn’t really add or take away from anything, just wanted to point it out.)

Chris greets Jef before officially ending his time as his spirit guide. You’re on your own now little hipster, fly fly away!

Jef takes his place on the risers with Emily and awaits his fate. But it’s good news. Arie is gone, Ricky loves you and we’re gonna be together forever (or at least for the next 6 to 18 months)!

They share their feelings (gah we get it already!) and Jef gets down on one knee to propose. Now here’s the big question – will Emily say yes? She’d hinted that she wasn’t ready to get married. After a seriously long pause (while she mentally priced the ring), she says yes!

And then it happens…. This song happens.

Because doesn’t The Karate Kid II really say true love to you?

I’d really love to know the thought process around selecting this song. I’m both embarrassed and seriously happy to hear it. That’s how I’ll always remember these two … to the sounds of Mr. Mikayki.

Cheers to Jef & Emily! And Cheers to wrapping up another season! Now really… who’s excited for Bachelor Pad!?!?!

“it’s a beautiful night, we’re looking for something dumb to do. Hey Baby, I think I want to marry you!”

 

 

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“I’ve just had the BEST time.” The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 9 Recap

And we’re back.  It’s getting down to crunch time for our girl Emily. No more willy nilly tongue kissing all across the globe, it’s time to find Ricky a Daddy. So let’s go…. to Curacao!

“To finish it in Curacao is… so perfect.” If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 354654997454 times but they could send these kiddos to war-torn Africa and they’d think it was AH.MAZ.ING or in their words, “the perfect place to [fall in love, end their journey, find true love].”

We begin, as we do every episode, with a montage. The highlights in this one: the battle between saying “love” and “perfect.” I think love won by one (say that 5 times fast). interspersed in the montage, we see Emily, accompanied by some seriously EPIC music, standing at the front of her own Titanic … this sinking ship of a romantic journey.

Once they’ve gotten the pre-requisite product plug-in (seriously though, that place looks REAL NICE – said in Ricky Bobby voice but lacking any sarcasm), it’s time to take a deeper look at her relationship with the guys. Okay, I’m not trying to be too picky (yes I am) but this show could easily be an hour and half without all these montages, heart to hearts and ponderous looks (Emily looks longingly at the sea, Emily strolls down the beach, Emily plays with her hair in the Curacao breeze).

Moral of the story:

  • Sean: Perfect and full of plaid. Everything she wants in a husband… tall, blond, huge boobs (no coincidence that they want the same things… they’re perfect!).
  • Jef: A stylish bad boy (I’m laughing aloud as I write that, c’mon Emily… he’s different but “a little bit of edge.” I think not). Plays hard to get. Mormon.
  • Arie: It’s hard for me to hear what she’s saying over my loud boo-ing but I think I make out (no pun intended!) that she loves that he does all his talking through the mouth-to-mouth technique.

We close this recap with a cryptic message in the sand from Emily.

Emily + ?

WHO IS QUESTION MARK?!?!?! Alas, we’ll never know since it is swept out to see just like one of these dudes will be in another HOUR AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES.

Perfect Sean

Sean, ever a fan of the ABC supplied uniform of v-necks and Toms, has upped the ante. He’s clearly run out of all his moderately deep v’s and found the most plunging one of all. You know, one that really highlights his chest. And we’re in luck because he found a pair of Toms to match perfectly. Gah, isn’t he just perfect?

He does the awkward jog thing and as much as I hate it, I hate his outfit more. Well done buddy.

Just when I’d given up hope, I hear the familiar sound of helicopter blades in the tropical breeze … a helicopter! Well it’s about damn time.

So these two crazy kiddos hop in and feel each other up as they head off to their own private island. Hold up, didn’t Brad & Emily go on this exact same date at this exact same moment on his season. It seems Womack and Sean have more in common that a shared love of plaid.

Sean’s decided he’s not holding back and breaks out a hand-written note to little Ricky. In your head you’re thinking TRUMP CARD right? So was I. Emily eats every line about wanting to be her Daddy up and I can’t help but get sad realizing that he’ll most likely never meet that little spit fire.

Awkward pauses and a conversation about Sean treating his ex girlfriends like “buddies” fill the time before the “dinner” date (have you ONCE seen someone take a single bite of food on this show? Drinks. Downed by the dozen. Food. Left alone and abandoned. Here’s hoping production meals on that shiz after the love birds leave). They also pretend to go snorkeling which must just be code for tongue kiss in the ocean.

Wanna take off your top errr I mean go snorkling?

Side note: Did you all see how big Emily’s boobs looked in that swimming suit!? I felt like a cartoon A WOO GA noise should have gone off when she took off her cover up.

I didn’t think it was possible but at dinner Sean wears an even deeper V-neck tee. Where do you even get those things?

At dinner, things get kinda serious. Sean confesses his love, to which Emily gives the mandatory “thank you” (is there anything worse?). They also discuss where they’d live, if he Sean would actually propose and other things of minor note… but enough about your life together, where is the fantasy suite card?

Emily finally pulls that puppy out (no, not THOSE puppies… that’s for the fantasy suite you guys!) and I can’t help but wonder if CH really write those notes (I secretly hope he does, did you see how nice that handwriting was?). They wholeheartedly accept the “let’s get it on” key. (Ugh, I hate when Emily says Thank You to him for accepting… you didn’t just order a soda at McD’s…)

For the next couple minutes, we hear A LOT of talk about how much they want to just spend more hours together…. talking (b**ch please)… in the hot tub (well there you are old friend!). But all of that talking will have to be put on hold because little Momma isn’t comfortable with Ricky-Tick seeing her fantasy suite her way to a new man. So Sean and his blue balls don’t have to go home but can’t stay here.

Cue some serious open-mouth kissing and we’re done.

It’s Jef with just one F.

Oh Jef, was there ever a date more perfect for you than sailing? Me thinks no.

So it’s all aboard (sorry, wrong transportation terminology) for these two (and no, not aboard each other… you and your dirty mind). While doing some heavy petting, they hit the serious topic of parenting. Jef really wants to meet Ricky and find out what kind of Dad he’ll be and more importantly, judge Emily’s parenting skills. This evaluation will be key in him deciding if he really wants a future with Ms. E. I sort of tune out cause the cheesy way they talk to one another kind of annoys me. It’s like listening to two 13 year old on a date in front of you at the movies. Just hush up you two. I think I miss something about them playing house in new city because they have to start FRESH!

I definitely tune back in when I hear Jef chime in with this moment of greatness, “It’s been like this crazy painting…  And now I see the masterpiece that’s being painted.” Come on now seriously? You’re going to tell me this is a “bad boy.” Emily, you dated Jeremy Shockey (don’t know who that is? see here). Jef wears high socks like the ring bearer at the last wedding I attended. What about that says edgy?

Just two crazy kids in love.

Anyways, the rest of the date is spent paddle boarding (of course Jef is on the paddleboard date) and jumping off big rocks (p.s. – do you think production had underwater cameras to catch that jump in?). As the day comes to a close, Jef hits us with this truth: “The sun is setting here in Curacao but I feel like things are just beginning with me and Emily.”

Before the sun can set on their romance, Jef has some important dinner questions, namely: “Why haven’t you found the right guy already?” Dang. Coming strong with the questions Jef, I see you. Emily responds with the canned, I’ve dated a lot of great guys just none right for me and then turns it around on Jef. He says the same thing and I begin to lose focus.

But then, like a light at the end of the tunnel, there it is. The Fantasy Suite Card! To which Jef promptly replies “Thanks but no thanks” and bounces from dinner. Okay that didn’t happen. Really, Jef acts all Mormon- gentleman-like and says he doesn’t think it’s right for him to spend the night in a fantasy suite. I mean really people, he’s got morals.

But Emily wanted to be the one to kick him out, so she invites him over to a BOMB-ASS fantasy suite for some over the clothes groping and serious tongue kissing. I try not to focus on the blechy kissing and instead turn my attention to the scrumptous dessert on the bed. Chances that Emily mealed on that once Jef left? 100%

And just like that, Jef is gone.

And my anxiety kicks in because it’s…

Arie’s turn.

I can’t handle Arie. If you’ve read any of these posts this season (well other than like the first two), you know I can’t deal. I plead with Drew to just fast-forward through this entire section but for some reason, he doesn’t get creeped out by Arie’s Accutane lips, effeminate talking and incessant use of the word ‘like.’ So we soldier on…

And right from the start, it’s bad. Arie does the nerdiest half jog I’ve ever seen up to Emily and I half expect her to pick him up and twirl him (seriously, how awesome would that have been?). Instead the implanted magnets in their mouths automatically link up and we’re forced to watch Arie death grip the back of Emily’s head. WOOF CITY.

It’s time to go swimming with dolphins, so they stop their ongoing mouth-to-mouth for two minutes allowing them to board the catamaran, lay down and once again resume mealing on each other’s faces (not like zombies though… or maybe a little like zombies. just not the Miami ones).

This is just what we do.

Since we need some sort of voice over since they’re too busy sucking face, Emily tell us she thinks Arie will love swimming with dolphins since “he’s not scared of anything.”  Well yeah, he races cars at 200 miles an hour surrounded by about 15 other cars and oh yeah, there’s no roof – so dolphins, yeah that shouldn’t be a problem. She also uses this reasoning to discern that he will make a great Dad. Oh Emily. I’m not sure what race car driving and swimming with dolphins has to do with being a good model for Little Ricky but hey, she’s your kid.

Here’s how the rest of the date goes down:

Something about a journey from Dollywood to Curacao; open mouth kissing; face grabbing; heavy petting; talking about kissing; more kissing; swimming with dolphins; kissing; playing with dolphins while kissing; more kissing; end scene.

It’s dinner time and I honestly CANNOT get over how much Arie grosses me out. I just can’t deal. I can’t. Writing this right now is giving me the heeby jeebies. His voice is oddly high and I don’t know, I just can’t handle it.

I consider throwing a blanket over myself, plugging my ears and waiting for a signal to come out when it’s all over but before I can, I hear Emily say ” I have no doubt [Ricky] will want to be your best buddy.” This aggression will not stand. I know my girl Ricky Tick will not dig arie. She’s #teamsean all the way.

More kissing/talking/pretend eating/kissing occurs and it’s fantasy suite time but Mamma E doesn’t trust herself to even GO to the fantasy suite with Arie. She knows she’d have her panties dropped before they even hit the front step, so it’s night night for Arie (HALLELUJAH!) but not before one more attempt to suck the life force out of her body. BLECH.

Rose Time.

I’m going to skip over the H-to-H with CH for two reasons: 1. Because I think they’re always kind of boring and 2. Because I think CH is so much better than that. Why doesn’t he just GET REAL with Emily (or at least give her a heads up on that ponytail looking awful. Em girlfriend, you always looks amazing but tonight’s pony was RRRROUGH).

The moral of the story is that CH tells E that it’s time to get to choosing and E’s all like but I don’t want to go home! I’m having too much fun! Don’t make me stop kissing one of them! I love them all!

Wah Wah Wah.

To help her with this big decision, the dudes have made videos. They each basically proclaim their love in the way you’d expect each of them to. Moving on.

It’s time to do the damn thing but Emily “can’t even wrap my head around the fact that there are only two roses” and that I don’t get to kiss all of them anymore.

My prediction/wishful thinking is that Arie is going home. Drew thinks it’s gonna be Sean.

p.s. – who wants to do a bachelorette bracket next season?

Roses go to:

  • Jef

Side note: The other two dudes are like “Yikes a million we totes thought Jef was going home.” And then it happens….

  • NOOOOOOOOOOOOO which you know clearly means, Arie.

And just like that CH pops out from behind a bush and is all “Hit the Road Jack” to Sean.

Emily walks him out while Jef and Arie stand there and stare at each other, wondering whose shoes are nerdier.

I can’t look… just go.

This goodbye is awkward city. I wanted to call it a night early and just cut out cause it was making me ALL kinds of uncomfortable ESPECIALLY with the chirping noise in the background (tell me it didn’t sound like the heart monitors at the hospital). But then I thought about all the chicks Sean is going to get between now and his season on The Bachelor and I didn’t feel so bad.

For some reason Emily starts crying and Sean finally decides to leave. Props to Sean for keeping it together, not sounding like an idiot and not crying awkwardly into the camera.

Welp, it’s official friends. Emily officially has horrible taste in guys.

So what did you all think of last night’s LACK of fantasy suites? Are you happy with Emily’s decision or like me have you given up hope?

Men Tell All Next Week! Until then… stay tuned!

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Bring it on Home: The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 8 Recap

Oh Hometowns, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.

Seriously, I think I count down to hometowns every season. I love getting a sneak peek into where these creeps come from. (Okay, okay I take it back. They’re not all creeps but who knows, their families may be.)

Emily is excited about the home towns you know, since she’s SUPER excited about every moment she’s spent being filmed on her quest for love.

“Just stock the fridge with more cookies and go find me a daddy!”

But before the journey can continue, we’re back in Charlotte to catch up with our girl Ricki Tick (maybe that’s what’s been missing the last few episodes). Ricki, who it appears has been left alone to make crafts for her long-lost momma the last couple weeks, is hype to see Emily. This is mildly heartwarming until I see that no one has taken out the braids she got in Aruba. (no really, has she been alone this whole time.) Seems like all Emily needs to refresh (before hitting the road on another extended vacation) is a girl’s slumber party with her top chick Ricki Tick. But before these crazy gals head to bed, Emily locks up, forgetting that she already let the bad guys (you pick: producers, the sweaty camera crew, America, 25 eligible and slightly unhinged bachelors) inside and it looks like they’re spending the night on her living room couch. Wouldn’t want us to miss a minute of Bachelorette action.

p.s. – I’m skipping the recap montages since they’re all full of tongue kissing, picnic dates and street strolling. (Oh and Jef skateboards. I forgot about that.)

My kind of town. Chicago is…

We’re in the windy city on Chris’ farewell date (let’s not pretend that he’s making it any farther). Chris is back, in an outfit he stole from Mr. Rodgers, ready to win Emily’s affection (aw, it’s sweet to have dreams).

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Chris creeps me out. Something about his smile, serious tan and the anxious combo of nodding and shoulder shrugging. Despite that, he’s made it this far. Props to you Chris.

After the most predictable surprise, it’s time for Chris and Emily to explore Chicago (and yes, we’ve done this date 3453453453 times already). Here’s the deal: Chicago is awesome. One of the coolest cities with literally hundreds of things to do at any one time. Museums, the waterfront, really great public art, tons of interesting neighborhoods. What does Chris do with Emily – he takes her to a dumpy polish restaurant. REALLY DUDE? REALLY?

But Chris “on a scale of 1 to 10 Polish is Polish” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?) so we’re forced to see Emily avoid all food in a crummy dive bar. Add to this that their entire conversation goes as follows:

Chris: “I’m so excited you’re here”

Emily: “I’m so happy and excited to be here.”

RINSE & REPEAT.

Kill me now.

Then to break up the monotony Emily asks “We’re going to see your family today right?” Come on Emily, act like you’ve done this before. It;s HOMETOWNS. Of course you’re meeting his family. Gah, is it time for Jef’s date yet?

So Chris breaks down the fam. Dad will love her (cause she’s hot), Mom will love her (cause she’s a hot mom), his sister will hate her (because she’s a hot mom on a reality TV show).

Before heading home, Chris comments wistfully – “I think we’d have a fantastic life here.” I don’t know what’s sadder – that he used the word fantastic in a sentence or that he legitimately think he has a shot with Emily, let alone getting her to move to Charlotte (ain’t happening bro).

Emily heads over to meet the folks who are not what I expect at all. John, Rose, Renee and Teresa seem normal and nice (that is HIGH praise on this show). Dinner is served and it’s appropriately fashioned like The Last Supper (you know, since they’ll never see each other again).

After a meal where no one actually eats, it’s time for some serious convos. Dad’s up first and he gives us his behind the scenes insight on his boy, Chris. “Christopher is a great guy. He’s a great great guy.” Welp, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks John.

Other than John’s teal shirt and visible gold chain I love him (or maybe I love him because of those things). Same with momma Rose. The sisters are a little bitchy but let’s be real – we’d all be bitchy as hell if our brother brought home a reality TV contestant who’s been tongue kissing 15 dudes on rotation.

The most fun Emily’s Had All Day

Renee asks Emily to let Chris go sooner rather than later if she doesn’t think he’s the right guy for her. Clearly, a sign of things to come.

Before it’s on to the next one, Chris pulls Emily outside to tell her he loves her (WHY WHY WHY?) and then finishes the date the best way he knows – with polish dancing and cheap carnations (hey, it works with all the girls in Chicago).

Won’t you take me to Mormon Town.

Ah Utah, the least funky place ever.

So it’s time to get down with Jef who grows on me more and more each episode. We’re at Jef’s family ranch and we’re all thinking what Emily is, “Woah Nelly. who knew that Jef was so rich?” Apparently whatever Mormon business Jef’s parentals are in pays really really well.

Jef greets Emily with the ever so manly, ” You look like really really cute.” Oh Jef, you’re like the younger, valley girl sister I never had.

But I take back any mean things as soon as Jef tells Emily she’s going for a dune buggy ride. Nice work Jef. It appears that Jef realized that the producers were never going to let him do anything but sip wine and stroll through quaint city streets. So Jef has upped the ante on hometowns. We’re gonna buggy around his GIANT ranch and then do a little skeet shooting. I applaud you Jef with one F.

p.s. – Who would have EVER thought Jef would be the one to host this kind of date?

Skeet shooting is a big hit (no pun intended) with Jef dominating the skeet. “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot?” I couldn’t have said it better myself Emily.

She stands on the side acting all scared and meek before grabbing the shot gun and going all Lara Croft on those clay pigeons. “I take gun lessons as home,” Emily says (leaving out the part about arming herself to keep Brad Womack away at all costs).

p.s. – Drew points out that Jef is left-handed. Well of course he is.

After a  quick picnic (which on this show means chugging a bottle of wine on a printed blanket), it’s time to meet the family. Except Jef’s parents won’t be there. A blue million other family members will be on hand but the parentals are in South Carolina – which must be where they send really rich Mormon missionaries (it’s why Romney is in Massachusetts).

So Jef has a big family. Like too many brothers and sisters for me to keep track of. The dudes are all meh and the girls are all kinda hotties. The whole gathering has a Big Love vibe and I wonder if they are legit sisters or many be just sister wives.

Emily sits down with his sisters and they try to give her the business on the dealio with Jef. They ask if she’s in love with Jef and she shrugs cryptically since we all know she’s contractually not allowed to say the L-word on TV (Side Note, can we institute that ban for the dudes as well?). In the end, Em wins the ladies over. “I feel like Emily is just like us,” you know, rich and blonde.

Jef clearly doesn’t want her to spend too much time with the fam, so he whisks her out of there and off to a canyon where he can declare his love. So I have a confession to make: I think I like Jef now.

With this kiss, I thee wed.

I know, I know. I’ve been a serious hater but just like Ames before him, he has slowly won me over with his goofy charm and odd style. I’m even still on board with him after he commits the cardinal sin of SE: reading a letter aloud.

The letter, while a little long and a lot corny, seemed genuine and sincere (well, except for that part about teaching Ricky how to play sports. Come on buddy! We all know the only sport you could teach her is soccer).

Emily is smitten. I never thought she would pick Jef but the look in her eyes when she’s around him is pretty serious. I think he has a legit chance at being the winner. (Cause this is a game, duh.)

“That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Emily proclaims before going in for a kiss.

p.s. – I also like Jef because unlike Arie, his kisses aren’t full of unnecessary sound effects. Clearly he can kiss without sounding like a leaky faucet.

Speaking of Arie….

A Race Against Time

We’re in Arizona, ready to get our race on with Arie. I’m  personally ready to take a 20 minute break from the show since it pains me to watch him fill up my television screen with his big, loud kissing, lips.

“Arie definitely looks stupid hot” Emily says. And I agree – he looks stupid and it must be hot in that giant suit.

Anyways, Arie decides to take Emily for a spin in his race car (doesn’t that just sound dirty) and as they drive I finally come to a conclusion about what bugs me about Arie. More specifically his lips. He definitely is on Accutane. Think about it.

Now that I’ve come to one conclusion, I’m ready to come to the conclusion that this love will not last (no matter how many David Gray songs you play).

These two crazy kids head off to a random park to pre-drink for the family dinner. This is clearly necessary since Arie is having a panic attack before our eyes, worrying about whether his mom will physically assault Emily over dinner. There’s no clear reason given but it just sounds like Arie’s mom must be a total bitch.

Our assumptions are confirmed when we see Momma Mica in a snug teal satin dress she borrowed from our favorite rich girl, Chantal (gah, I miss that girl. She was material for days.) Side note: I think Arie is this season’s Chantal.

Other than mom, there’s Arie Sr. and his two little brothers (did you see the acne… Arie’s totes on Accutane). Papa Arie seems nice & cool but his Mom… yikes a million. She says one thing to Emily and then decides she’s done with her. Sorry Emily, I no longer feel it’s worthwhile for me to speak to you in English, so I am going to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible and speak in a language you have no chance of understanding.

I mean how insanely awkward was that. I thought it couldn’t get worse and then Dad chimes in, “They’re talking about you.” Oh great. It must be wonderful if you can’t even say it in my native tongue. It’s clearly awkward but NOT NOBODY stops it.

Arie opines later, “It’s kind of awkward when everyone’s speaking in dutch.” Um yeah, so why didn’t you stop?

Arie’s mom follows up that warm welcome with an invitation to go out back and disappear. Em politely declines and they settle on a random bedroom for an in-depth convo. I’m able to make out that Mica wants to know why Emily is whoring it up on national tv again since she already watched her do it once before. Emily says something in English that Momma Arie clearly doesn’t understand and it’s back to the guys.

Arie and Papa Arie sit down and little A tells dad that Emily has all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman. This is code for – she has a huge rack, is super skinny, hot and blonde.  Dad agrees and gives his blessing on their unlikely union.

We’re forced to sit through one more excruciatingly loud, sloppy wet kiss before Arie says “I am going to marry Emily.” Yeah, well chances are you won’t.

The Big D

Last but certainly not least is Sean. Emily thinks Sean is perfect. No really, she does. Like every single thing about him is just perfect. So perfect. His dogs are perfect, our life would be perfect, his pecs are perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

In Chicago, all Emily said was she was excited to be there. Well, in Dallas, all we’re going to hear about is perfect Sean. Prepare accordingly.

Sean and his perfect dogs meet Emily for some fun park time. This park is perfect, the dogs behave perfectly and she could imagine Ricki picking perfect weeds flowers from this perfect field.

One perfect boring picnic date later, it’s time to meet the parents.

WOOF!

Side note: Did you all experience the massive SE we did when Sean’s tongue escapes from his mouth and into Emily’s during that seriously SLOW kiss? Drew hide under the blanket while my body tried to fight the urge to just shut down. GROSS. But really, how weird are tongues? And how weird is it that they touch other tongues when kissing? It’s like a weird alien probing another person. I get the heebs just thinking about it.

We’re at Sean’s perfect parents house (which is pretty sweet) with his perfect family. We meet his niece and nephew, Kensington & Smith Attorneys at Law. Not gonna hate though, Kensington’s cottage was pretty nice. I’d move into that place for sure.

Emily’s ready to move in when Sean says he has some news to break. Ruh roh.

“I’m nervous…” Sean says as his family bows their head in shame. “I still live here.” Emily’s all “What the What” while trying to act calm and not run the F out there. I’m experiencing some insane secondary embarrassment at this point.

It only gets worse when Sean escorts Emily upstairs to show her the living quarters. Stuffed animals, crumbs and clothes are everywhere and I imagine Emily is having the most extreme panic attack.

“I’m kind of a mess. I wish my mom had picked things up,” Sean says to which Emily replies, “It’s okay… I can clean.”

Just before she turns and sprints back to Charlotte (and before I jump behind my couch to hide under it for the forseeable future), Sean’s all “GOTCHA!”

But wait, I thought you loved to clean.

“Ha ha” Sean says, “you all thought I wasn’t perfect but I totally am.”

Post joke it’s all fun and family time and Emily clearly digs it. I’d try to be snarky but his family seems genuinely nice and I’m beginning to get on the perfect train (as long as I don’t think about the kissing).

When it’s time to head out, one tongue probe isn’t enough and Sean chases down her fleet of black SUV’s to steal one more open mouth kiss for the road.

Rose Time:

Malibu Barbie is in the house ready to narrow down her Ken’s to three. (Sean’s got this one in the bag.)

Malibu Barbie – Set Comes Complete with 12 roses and enough sparkly dresses to last a lifetime of play.

After a fireside chat with our dude CH, it’s time to choose.

Who will be the one to go? My prediction – Chris.

Roses go to…

  • Arie.
  • Jef.

Down to Sean & Chris. Totes Chris going home.

  • Sean.

Little baby Chris is going home, just like his sister predicted/told Emily to do. He’s a big ball of nervous nodding and shaking. A couple bro hugs and then it’s time for the awkward walk out.

Emily takes Chris on his walk of shame, while the remaining three dudes stare at each other, attempting not to punch each other for kissing “my girl.”

Emily should be glad she let this ship sail because Chris has a serious temper. “I’m honestly shocked,” he says as he stares her down, fighting the urge to choke her. No but really, he is kind of scary aggressive. He grills Emily who does that weird nervous tick thing where she runs her tongue over her teeth.

Production escorts Chris away while Emily returns to her remaining suitors.

“She made me a believer again… in falling in love.” Chris opines. “I loved the girl and I thought she loved me back.” Sorry Charlie.

This is all juxtaposed with the remaining crew doing a big ole toast to chasing love in Curacao. Hey, you may not get the girl but you’ll get one more trip!

Back to Angry Chris who I’m hoping is the newest addition to Bachelor Pad. That temper will be gold on that show!

What did you think about this week’s episode? Are you disappointed that my writing skills have deteriorated under the boredom of Emily Maynard? Who is your favorite? How excited are you for Bachelor Pad?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Locking Down Love. – The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 7 Recap Part I

And we’re back. So last week I was rejuvenated by a healthy dose of SE and the promise of drama. And last night, I was disappointed. What has happened to the franchise standards? You know helicopters, hot tubs, spa dates or really just dates where they do something other than walking around the city of the week. I feel like the producers have thrown in the towel with Emily too and are just biding their time until Bachelor Pad (lord knows that’s what I’d be doing).

So anyways, it’s time for the intro montage. From the looks of it, Prague will be filled with lots of site-seeing and kissing. LOTS AND LOTS of Kissing. Kissing on boats, kissing on trains, kissing in alleys, kissing in castles, kissing in dungeons, kissing in libraries. So. Much. Kissing.

It appears Emily is making up for lost time and making a strong effort to kiss everything that walks in front of her. Locals – you’ve been warned.

Oh and in between the kissing, Chris will have a nervous breakdown. Get excited!

As Emily strolls through the city, mindlessly wandering/getting a crash course in Prague history that she’ll use on the date, she tells us how jazzed she is to be there. “I’m so happy to be in Prague… I feel like I’m back in the olden days.” Yeah Emily, it’s called Europe.

After staring off into every open body of water in proximity of Prague, Emily is ready to get going especially since “I’ve got the best group of guys EVER.” I know that the hyperbole is contagious but really? Ever? I would disagree just based on the fact that Roberto has been on this show and we all know he was the best ever. (Okay, maybe just me but lay off me!)

CH greets the dudes who have all raided the local American Apparel to craft the perfect uniform of v-neck tees (this year’s plaid shirt), slightly skinny jeans (or very skinny khakis in Jef’s case) and Tom’s. Since they all still don’t understand the concept of the show – CH breaks it down for them. Four Dates. Three one-on-ones, one group date. Four Roses. Go!

After doing the required fawning over their sponsored hotel suite, the guys settle down for, what else, a chat about Emily. This basically begins Chris’  melt-down. (p.s. – does Chris constantly have a sinus infection. Every time he talks I just want to hand him a tissue and tell him to blow his nose.) With each date card, we’ll see him slip slowly away from reality. I’m hoping we also see him slip away from our television screens.

First up….

Arie – “Let’s Czech out Prague together.”

Once he finds out he’s going out with Emily, Arie bolts up and heads off to “get ready.” This means dig out his favorite leather jacket and strategically mess up his hair. Once it’s perfectly shaggy, he heads out to meet Emily who has shown up in their room, guide-book in hand.

It’s date time and surprise, they’re going to wander through the city. BOR-ING. Clearly Emily knows this will be a snooze fest since she’s worn her favorite sequin pajama shorts. Oh, and boots. Cause a girl’s gotta be prepared.

This is all you need to know.

Anyways, the date is basically just them walking around while Arie throws out cheesy line after cheesy line (“You are SO beautiful.”) while palming her face. But before the seriously sloppy tongue kissing can begin, Emily takes Arie to some statue where he has to feel up a bronze lady and pet a dog for love and loyalty, respectively. Side note: Did you all notice how long it took Emily to read the description from the guide book. She got totally stuck on “Loyalty” and had to sound it out like it was one of Ricky’s spelling words. This is where Emily decides she’s going to get real with Arie.

We find out (because CH tells us so from back at the mansion in LA – How did he get there so fast!?!Side note, couldn’t they have filmed this inside or any other time than high noon? CH is doing some SERIOUS squinting.) that Arie used to date one of the producers (who’s a little woofy if you ask me) like 10 years ago. Well Emily is miffed that her top boy never mentioned it to her. So mindless stupid drama ensues but of course, the best part is off camera. What the what ABC? Isn’t it the whole premise of this show to film EVERYTHING? How did they miss that convo?

Anyways, Emily decides it’s no big deal and it’s on the wet kissing portion of the date.

The two forgo dinner (on some sort of shipping boat) and instead head up to the roof to snuggle and open mouth kiss. I know a ton of you love Arie (and I did too at first) but I just can’t stand him anymore. Mostly because everything he says gives me the heebie jeebies. I also get some serious SE every time they kiss when he puts a death grip on Emily’s face. Hey Arie, her head is not going anywhere. Loosen up your hold on her face puh-lease.

Bro Break: Back in the room, the guys sit around and think of ways to drive Chris crazy. So obviously, the talk turns to the importance of one-on-one dates and how you’ll never get one Chris (As I write this all I can hear in my head is the En Vogue Song “Nevah gonna get it, nevah gonna get it!”). And just like that, the date card is left on the mysterious coffee table outside their room. (Can’t they just leave it on the floor?)

Chris sits on the edge of sanity waiting to hear if this date will be his (Mine! All Mine!)…. John, In Prague all you need is love.

And just like that, a little piece of Chris’ soul died.

Back on the date, someone has put a mic inside one of their mouths because the noise coming from these kisses is so loud and so sloppy that I am literally using my computer as a shield to keep from seeing it. Unfortunately, my ears weren’t so lucky.

And then it happens. The moment we’ve been dreading all season. You know what I’m talking about. The first L-Bomb dropped. “Can I tell you something?” (PLEASE NO!) “I’ve been thinking a lot about this and somewhere in between Croatia… No it was in Croatia. I think I realized that I love you.” AHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO. You just met this girl like 5 weeks ago. And during that time, she’s been dating at least 10 other dudes. Kissing at least 8 of them. Get a hold of yourself.

Then Arie tells her “I just want you to know where my heart is,” while placing her hand near his nether region. You know, cause it’s really down there. Is it time for fantasy suites yet?

More face grabbing and smooching before the BIG surprise. Yup, Fireworks. They have been using the hell out of fireworks this season and if they think some giant sparklers are a substitute for helicopters and swim suit photo shoots, they are sadly mistaken.

“I feel like I’m on top of the world.” Emily says as I yell “Nope, you’re on top of a boat” at the screen.

John – In Prague, all you need is love.

A WOOOOOOO Wolf Time. (Sorry, that was cheesy. I just couldn’t go the entire season without making a wolf noise through letters.) She ain’t digging him. Date Destruction Specialist.

The real title of this date should be “All you need is another love.” because it’s clear from the get go that these two are not a match.

The first stop on another stroll about town date, is the Lennon wall. So in true reality TV fashion, there is a painting station already set up for them. They decide to paint a boat to signify how e their love is a sinking ship. Once that child’s task is complete, it’s on to another place where Emily can evaluate the validity of their relationship through superstition. They saddle up to a fence full of locks. It’s sad (by who, I don’t know) that adding your lock is a lucky love charm (or something like that). They use the world’s biggest marker to write a note on the smallest lock.

Since the workings of  inanimate objects is how Emily determines whether to continue a relationship, this is an important step. This lock is a symbol of their relationship and won’t click. So based on this one mishap Emily knows they are doomed. Instead of letting him go right then and there (the lock made her!), she decides to see what’s being served for dinner.

But I thought I had this on lock. (ABC/NICK RAY)

And the meltdown continues… back at the hotel Chris is wallowing in despair. “Arie went on a date. John is on a date…” Well Chris, this is a dating show. That’s what happens. I watch the tears and frustration welling up in his eyes as Drew hides under a blanket, praying (out loud) for the madness to end. Ah my friend, it is just beginning (i say creepily to my husband).

The dinner portion of the date is in a dungeon. Yes, another symbol of their relationship. It is doomed to rot slowly in the dark and will hopefully be locked down here, never to see the light of day again. John (who I surprisingly kind of like) continues to show absolutely no emotion and talks in his robotic Data Destruction voice. His words seem to be pre-programmed by his master back in the states (my guess is it’s CH), they sound okay but lack any sincerity or true emotion.

So I just have to keep up this act for another day or so right? (ABC/NICK RAY)

Wolf man shares some more emotions, talks about how he’s a closer (PROVE IT) and then goes in for the least romantic kiss of the season (so far… the best is still to come though). Emily doesn’t totally hate it since she’s loving getting her open-mouth kiss on while Ricky’s away.

The date ends and I give a sigh of relief. We’ve made it half way through the show.

I’m going to break this post into two parts. Not because it’s so long or because I have so much material but because I am bored. Bored to death with this season. For some reason I am totally unmotivated to write about Emily and her sparkly clothes, use of the word ya’ll and her innate ability to kiss a ton of guys while still seeming unslutty.

I’ll be back later to close this one out. If any of you would like to take a stab at the second part though, I’d love someone to guest post the rest of this bia.

p.s. – sorry for how crap this recap is. I need some bachelor pad in my life. STAT.

Until part deux… stay tuned.

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“An Act of Bravery” or How I Survived The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 6

First off, I have to apologize about my one week hiatus. For some reason I’m having trouble with this season. I definitely LIKE this season more than the past two but the secondary embarrassment just doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Emily is just a little too aware that she’s on television. That coupled with the lack of hot tubs, helicopters and rappelling has led to a somewhat luke warm season. I’m definitely enjoying it but it’s not the embarrassment of riches it’s been in the past.

But enough with the excuses. It’s Bachelorette time and I’m back in the game.

Just move a little to the right Ryan. Yup, that’s perfect.

It’s montage time, you know, just in case this is your first time watching this show (does that happen anymore, do people just now start getting into The Bachelorette/Bachelor?). The past few weeks have been full of muscles, sparse tongue kissing and lots of under the blanket cuddles. But now it’s time to get serious. Which on this show means that the remaining 8 guys all confess that they are, indeed, falling in love with Emily. Well, all of them except Ryan. He’s way too busy falling in love with himself.

As Emily walks the streets of Croatia, we learn that little Ricky has finally headed back to the states. We’ll miss her but I proclaim out loud “Behold! The return of the hot tub is nigh!” (sorry that was weird, I’ve been reading WAY too much Game of Thrones lately.)

The guys sail in to Croatia which means we miss out on any of their boisterous home made travel videos (Awwwww Maaaannnn!). And right on cue, we cut to Jef saying, “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.” Now I know I harp on this every season, but REALLY? He had to be reading off cue cards right? I mean, at least 3 people say that every season about (insert random locale here). I let it slide for Bali, Tahiti and Paris but Croatia REALLY? It appears that for contestants of this show, the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly would also be a perfect place to fall in love. You know, as long as a production crew is following them around.

I finally take a deep breath in time to see Emily walk in to their swanky apartment. Em’s in the house to deliver the date card and the excitement among the bros is palpable.

All that excitement just to find out the date card goes to…. Travis (aka this guy from Rascal Flatts).

I dare you to tell me they’re not brothers.

As Travis throws on his cleanest plaid button down (hopefully no snaps), Emily tells us that she is super excited to go on a date with Travis. That has got to be a lie. I’m thinking she’s using this as a day to do some sightseeing and pick up some souvenirs for the Ricky, the babysitter and the Hendricks family before sending Travis home before dinner.

But Travis has no clue and is as excited as ever. “We’re going to have a GREAT day!” he proclaims as I cringe at the thought of what’s to come.

Southern Fish out of Water Ya’ll aka I forgot what the date card said.

It’s time to follow these two southerners “ya’ll” their way through Croatia. Travis thinks this date is going to be great especially because he and Emily have so much in common. (Sorry I have to do this again…) Really Travis? Name one thing you have in common. Okay you’re both from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Name one more. Okay okay, you’re both blonde. Name another. That’s fine, I’ll wait.

By the time I’ve focused back on the screen, Emily has devised some faux-cultural scheme aimed at getting Travis to take off his shirt and show us what’s lurking beneath that plaid. It’s a wall where you’re supposed to hold yourself up while taking off your shirt. (That’s gotta be fake, right?) Travis gives it the old college try except he doesn’t. He stands up there and then doesn’t even attempt to unsnap his shirt.

Emily is kinda miffed and I understand. We all really wanted to know if there was a six-pack or a pair of pepperoni nipples under there. I guess we’ll never know.

Back at the hotel-motel (side note, that place looks Real Nice!), the guys sit around and talk about Travis. I’m not listening but rather trying to figure out what Ryan is wearing. Is that a wife-beater worn the wrong way? Why is it shaped like that? Anyways… this whole break is just another chance for the producers to show America how supreme a douche Ryan really is. I’m thinking they asked him to wear the tank top like that. And if so… well played, Mike Fleiss. Well played.

What am I wearing? (Image: BuddyTv)

And we’re back in the friend zone. After picking up some trinkets for all her friends and family (including her new bestie Dolly Parton), Emily and Travis sit down for a “romantic” dinner. I put romantic in quotes because this is about the least romantic dinner I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched a lot of this show.

Travis spills the beans about going into seclusion since he broke off his engagement two years ago. Yes, for the past two years he’s stayed in, played video games, ordered pizza and gelled his hair…. alone. This kinda freaks Emers out and I echo her thoughts when she says, “TRAAAAAAAAA VIIIIS!?!?!?” (I echo those thoughts even though I have no idea what they mean. Just go with it.)

Before the heartbreak sits in (p.s. – you think he’ll call up his Rascal Flatts bro and give him some  thoughts for a new break up tune? Could be a hit.) we’re back with the bros, ready to find out who’s going on the group date and which lucky dude gets some solo time with their chick. John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie will find out that dating requires bravery. This means that we’re all doomed to at losing at least 20 minutes of our lives watching Ryan parade his douchebaggery around national television.

Back at dinner, it’s rose time. Emily does that horrible thing where she picks up the rose, spends a full minute telling the guy how great they are before dropping the biggest BUT. I cringe and hide behind my laptop as Travis’ face goes from excitement and hope to disappointment and sorrow. Emily tells him they just can’t escape the dreaded friend zone and that she’ll give him a call next time she’s in Charlotte so they can get together and drink some Cheerwine while catching up on NASCAR action.

(Hey Travis, look on the bright side. You may be able to get in good with Wendy or her sassy Indian friend if you can stay besties.)

Sorry Travis can’t keep it together and kind of falls apart when the producers ask all those prodding questions about “finding love” and “being worth it.” Don’t cry Travis. No seriously, don’t cry. It makes you look weird.

And just like that, it’s Group Date time!

Dating Requires Bravery with John, Jef, Chris, Sean, Doug and Arie.

So I’d almost forgotten about the ole movie date. You know the one. It’s when they do the biggest blatant cross-promotion and pan it off as a date. This time it’s Disney Pixar’s newest film Bravery. And how appropriate that we get a kiddie movie for Emily’s season.  Not like that Anna Faris movie, where she played a slut trying to find all the guys she’d slept with before, that we got to watch on Brad’s (or was it Ben’s) season.

The guys suffer through the movie by insulting each other and giving one another nougie’s while Emily gazes longingly into the screen, wishing she were just as brave as the animated red-head.

The lights go up and it’s time for the challenge portion of the date (you may remember on Brad’s season this was usually who could get their body into their bikini and their tongue into his throat fastest). The guys will be competing in the Highland challenge. Basically, they have to dress up and do some random tasks…. I Like it!

Just to make them feel even more out-of-place, they give them some skirts and make them ride donkeys. Gah, I love this show.

This date is basically a chance for us to see who is the strongest. Also who has the best legs (Jef, duh). Oh and who is the best at riding a donkey (my money’s on Chris).

Hey Guys! I want to play in the starring contest toooooo!!!!

The challenges are archery, throwing this giant log and an old-fashioned (no really, like medieval times) tug-o-war. Sean (obviously) kills it at everything. The rest of the guys range from good to meh (Doug – good, John & Arie – so so, Jef – meh) and then there’s Chris. Well, he is HORRIBLE. Like embarrassingly, can’t watch miserable. When he totally missed the target on archery I hide under my blanket for a full minute. IT. WAS. BAD.

Luckily for him, Emily finds his lack of skill, talent or muscle power endearing and gives him the Bravery cup. To which the rest of the guys respond in unison, “Say WHAAAA?” Emily spews more lies when she says, “I don’t care about big muscles.” Yeah, that is just not true.

Either way, Sean knows that the cup is just for bravery and not for sheer muscle mass and strength cause he would have had that in spades. I mean, he broke that giant log. And Emily couldn’t even hide that she was digging it. “It was impressive.” She says smirking while sipping on her hot toddy.

After the Highland Cup it’s the after-party and after the party it’s the hotel lobby… sorry, I got a little carried away there.

So it’s time for the group to get all liquored up and ready to tongue kiss and cuddle (with Emily… not with each other. I’m looking at you Jef.)

Sean’s up first and I half wish he’d just pick her up and carry her to prove (once again) how freaking strong he is. Huge bummer when he doesn’t and instead just waxes poetic about how much he likes her. She tells him that he has nothing to worry about and they open-mouth kiss. Boring.

Next up is Jef aka this season’s Ames (i haven’t forgotten you buddy). I want to dislike Jef but I can’t. Probably because in my head, I consider him an 8-year-old boy. Despite the hair, the overly sensitive tone of voice and his inexplicable style, I don’t dislike him. At the very least, he’s different from the rest of the lookalikes left on the show.They snuggle and Emily gives him a hard time for not kissing him sooner (it was his FIRST KISS – give the kid a break!). End scene.

It’s on to Arie who I used to love but now rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies. So imagine the insanely awful secondary embarrassment I had when he slams her up against the wall and tongue kisses her (oh gah, just writing it and thinking about the slurping sounds makes me want to crawl under my desk) with the loudest slurping sounds ever. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I actually yell at the TV as my skin crawls.

I know some of you probably love Arie but I had a distinct turning point a couple of weeks ago and there’s just something off there. I can’t deal.

Back at the crib, Ryan sits around complementing himself and plucking his toe hairs. He’s interrupted from his 3-hour pre-bed routine when the date card arrives. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t immediately return to teh group date but instead are forced to watch Ryan utter this phrase out loud, “I wake up each day, look in the mirror and say to myself – who do you want to be today.” Kill me now.

Last but certainly not least (well yes, least in terms of muscle mass) is Chris. Chris is a SE smorgasbord. The combo of his mannerisms, words and awkward facial expressions make me want to crawl into the one-inch space between my couch and the floor. This awfulness once again wins Emily over and she leaps up to grab the rose for him. (WHAAAT???? I yell from the crawl space.)

The dudes share my bewilderment and just like that, we’re done here.

Ryan – The world is our oyster.

So here’s the deal friends. This part is going to be short. I cannot stand Ryan. Not in the way I can’t stand how embarrassing some of these guys are but in the way that I would consider hitting him if he walked in front of me in the cross walk (kidding, guys I swear).

Emily shows up and plops down on the couch next to Ryan. This is where the two share a painfully awkward conversation while the guys watch (and judge). S**t gets awkward quick.

When they finally get up to leave, the guys share the painful SE they all just experienced. For once, I feel like I have something in common with these bros. “My skin was crawling” says Wolfman. You and me both buddy. You and me both.

So we’re on the date and from the looks of it, it appears that Emily dislikes Ryan as much as every other living human does (well, except for Ryan himself).

These two crazy kids head off on a road trip with Ryan behind the wheel. I cannot contain my amusement as EVERY SINGLE CAR honks and gives Ryan the finger (okay, maybe I made up that last part. Wishful thinking.) By the time they make it to the fishing boat, Ryan has already said the words “Trophy Wife” at least two times. If you drank every time you heard it on this date, it would have been hard to crawl out of bed this morning.

They head off on the sea for some oysters and Ryan says some more insulting and condescending things to Emily while simultaneously complementing himself at every opportunity. I contemplate fast-forwarding just to get through this awfulness.

Instead I sit through it and wonder out loud why Ryan shaves his beard like that. Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention it earlier but the dudes informed us that he also shaves his legs, arms and ear hair every day. BLECH.

More trophy wife talk with this line, “She is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and I’m pretty sure I have a good shot at it being mine.” Why oh Why did she not push him overboard?

Now it’s time for the dinner portion. If you thought it was going to be more of Ryan talking about himself, you’d be right. He even prepared a list of 12 things he’s looking for in a wife during his free time last night. On the list:  beautiful, a servant to her family (REALLY? REALLY? What year is this?), someone who catches his eye and a sexy personality.

Thankfully, when it comes time for the rose, Emily finally realizes that Ryan is the biggest schmuck and decides NOT to give him the rose. HALLELUJAH.

Our shouts of joy quickly turn to rage as Ryan will not get up and go wallow in his defeat. Instead, he gets a little defensive with Emily. Telling her “he’s shocked” and that she’s making a bad decision. Um, Ryan – this is single-handedly the best decision Emily has made all season. Get up and LEAVE NOW!

Once again, he remains and glares at her in the most awkward way possible, trying to force her to give him the rose. Isn’t there a Bachelorette Bouncer? You know some giant dude that can come and carry the guy off to his taxi so we don’t have to watch this shiz.

And just like that, the minute we’d all been waiting for is here. Ding dong the witch is dead! Ryan is gone. Clearly he’s shocked but this obviously opens up his schedule to be on Bachelor Pad where he will hook up with desperate girls and attempt (but fail miserably) to win $125K. “I’ve been blessed with many worldly gifts… ” Ryan says as American gives a collective eye roll. Save it for Bachelor Pad buddy.

When the guys back at the hotel see Ryan’s bag being pulled out the door, they erupt into cheers “HooRay!” and I can’t help but wish I was there to high-five them.

ZOOM OUT! ZOOM OUT! (Image: BuddyTv)

Before we can get to the rose ceremony though, Arie pulls a Courtney and surprises Emily with a visit. And by visit, I mean an opportunity to do some heavy petting without the other guys around. He blabbers on about caring about her feelings before going in for some loud, slurping kisses. I can’t bear to watch and instead talk with Drew about how awkward it must be for the camera man. You know it’s some 300 lb sweaty white guy with a headset being ordered to ‘ZOOM IN MORE.’ I can see his head shaking in disgust as he zooms in on their game of tonsil hockey. Okay, enough. I can’t even write about it anymore.

Moral of the story: Emily tells Arie he’s going to get a rose.

Rose Ceremony Time

It’s party time and Emily looks awesome. I think this may be my favorite of the dresses she’s worn (I know, I know, you don’t care).

Doug & the Wolf are on the chopping blocks so Emily settles in for some one-on-one time with them. Wolf shares the story of his grandparents love before shedding some baby tears which open up the way for him to move in for a kiss. Still not sure if he’ll hang around but a worthy effort on his part.

Next up is Doug. Doug Doug Doug. I wasn’t really prepared for all the crying. Truth be told, I zoned out when they were talking only to be brought back by the sound of his sobs.

There are no words to describe what happened, so instead I’ll let you watch. Be forewarned, it is BAD.

Dougy fresh misses his little boy BIG TIME. Like BIG TIME. I can understand that but maybe he should save those tears for some solo time in his hotel room. NOT NOT NOT in front of the cameras. Doug, one day your son will get older and his friends will discover You Tube and they’ll see this. Oh the embarrassment.

Back at the gathering, the dudes sit around and talk about how they’ve all tongue kissed the same girl… in the last five minutes.

And just like that it’s rose time.

Chris has a rose (BUMMER). The other roses go to…

  • Sean
  • Jef
  • Arie

and….wait what? Emily just up and leaves. She runs down CH and let’s him know that she’s having trouble. So wait, she’s not going to give the rose to either… NAH… gotcha! False drama.  She gives them both a rose!

Doug and Wolfman got to turn those serious frowns upside down. The entire group date gives a sigh of relief and we’re out!

p.s. Raise your hand if you thought wolf would still be here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Next up is Prague. (You know, another perfect place to fall in love.) The previews look good though. It appears our boy Arie has been hiding something! Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

What were your thoughts on last night’s episode? What do you think of Emily? Most importantly – How happy are you that Ryan is gone!?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“My Wish. To Not Be Single Forever.” A Love Story by Emily Maynard. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4 Recap

And we’re back. From the previews, it looks like The Bachelorette may be about to get her groove back. Tongue kissing, cheesy dates, narcissistic dudes, man fights, competitions, douche bags. I like where we’re heading but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Disappointment is the worst.

But before we can get there, CH is at the MANsion in one of Brad’s hand me down plaids (p.s. – why are there so many buttons on that shirt?). It’s rule time (c’mon are the guys so dense that they don’t get what’s going to happen each week. Or worse, is it for us? Oh lord). Blah, blah blah… individual, group and wait… what…. two on one you say? So soon? I need to mentally prepare.

There’s no time for that though, we’re packing up this little abode we snagged for you all to live in. Yeah, yeah, yeah we were only here for like 3 weeks but it’s world tour time. Let’s go to Bermuda (the closest Caribbean island to North Carolina). Bro-Fives for everyone!

Why did I agree to this? (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

If you thought little Ricky wasn’t coming on tour, you are sadly mistaken. Ricky is there ready to soak up the sun and judge dudes by Mama’s side. Emily is hype to be in Bermuda since it’s just like her, “pink and cute.” Here’s hoping next time she’s there she’s with her husband and “pregnant pushing a baby stroller.” C’mon Em, It’s time to chill on the baby talk. At least give it a couple more episodes.

We cut out just in time to catch the gang of douchebags invade Bermuda on scooters ready to start a war for love. After pillaging the local CVS of all its hair gel, it’s date card time.

“Doug, Let Our Senses Lead the Way.”

It’s going to be a parents day out on the islands. BOR-ING. (I can say that, I’m a parent. I’m not trying to watch people do the same lame things I do on vacation. I’m trying to watch people do extreme sports while pretending to fall in love.) Doug does some standard boasting while Alejandro reminds us that he didn’t get kicked off last week (it’s hard to tell).

While Doug talks about how great it is to be a Dad, Arie is hoping that Doug is first of the bicep buddies to take a hike, “Let’s disband the football team.” Oh Arie.

Here’s where things get fun. So Doug has played the whole great guy thing to a tee but the guys aren’t buying it and know exactly how to push his buttons. I love it. Doug doesn’t. So he proves he’s a real man by getting bleeped a good 10 times in a row. You did it Doug!

Side note: Cheers to the producers for included the roast of Doug. Loved it. Also, how many v-neck tees were in that room?

Before the date, Arie sneaks in one last dig on Doug (even if it is off-camera), “Doug is like The Hulk. Doug Angry. Doug Smash. Doug Sad.” Love love love it.

I don’t love how much Emily gushes on Doug, he’s just “so nice and so good looking.” And so boring. He’s like Brad 2.0.

Despite that, Emily says there’s no one she’d rather spend the day with. Doesn’t she say that about everyone on every date?

But then the date starts and I understand why she’d want to spend this day with Doug… it’s boring. They buy tchotchke at a local shop, they make perfume, they hang with the locals. Before heading home for a movie and falling asleep on the couch by 9:30, they stop to send a post card to Austin. Oh and hear Doug talk about being a dad and being awesome and loving the world. Umm hmm, he started his own charity. That happened. “Of course you did,” says Emily and I thank her for saying exactly what I was thinking.

Back to the postcard though, “What kid doesn’t want a postcard from his dad…” and the chick he went on TV to pursue and compete against 20 other dudes to win her love. So sweet.

Oh and one more thing, I forgot to mention Doug confiding about the incident with the guys earlier. Notice, I said GUYS.

Doug tells Emily she walked in after, ” I had just scolded all the boys.” Really Doug? The boys? Give me a break. They’re not your kids (well, other than Alejandro).

After sending Austin their love, they take a stroll through the moon gate. According to Emily, the moon gate “is where married people and like people on their honeymoon and like people in love walk through and like make a wish about love.” Beautiful.

Emily’s wish: “To not be single forever.”
Doug’s wish: “To find a tee-shirt that fits.”

Break Time.

Back with the Bros, it’s time to find out who gets the group date and who’s left for the 2-on-1 option.

Emily picks all the standards and leaves the scraps for the elimi-date. Alejandro, Nate (who?), John and um… someone else are left.

Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be heading out on the high seas with Emily.

Before we get to the dinner portion of our date, does anyone else think Doug looks like this dog?

Oh I know, the dog is more interesting and has WAY more personality. But on looks alone – twins right?

So it’s dinner time and and Doug confesses that he loved sending a postcard to Austin. The only bummer is that Doug will be back at home when Austin receives it.

Emily decides to get down to business and lets Doug know she’s not buying the whole great guy act. So “what would your ex-girlfriends say about you?” Here’s where you’ll want to reach through your TV and smack him. His answers, “that I spent too much time with my son” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” SERIOUSLY? Get real.

Emily isn’t buying it until the tables are turned and her response (get ready again) “I’m sensitive, stubborn” and I do this really annoying thing with my mouth (okay, I added that). Oh yeah and she “doesn’t work out and wears PJ’s in public.” BLECH.

Here, let me try. I’m bossy, dismissive, rude, sarcastic, obnoxious…” should I go on?

Some more blah blahs and then it’s supposed to be kissing time but Doug gets all neeeerviious and can’t go through with the deed. Clearly he hasn’t kissed a girl since knocking up his baby momma. Emily clearly is annoyed and sits there waiting for Doug to use his overly pink lips to plant an open mouth smooch. But good ole Doug uses his grand pappy’s reasonin’ and decides Emily will let him know if she wants a kiss. Lame.

End Scene.

Would it be bad if I wished they both capsized?

Before we dive into this date can we talk about what the guys are wearing? Is there is a stylist that is providing them with a uniform that consists of prepypy shorts, hoody or fisherman sweater over a henley (sweater optional on dudes with giant biceps) and Toms? So So So many Toms. (It’s for the kids.)

It’s sailing time boys. After a quick lesson (“it’s called a boom cause when it hits you it goes boom.” Ah, I wish. A girl can dream), it’s time to compete. I think it’s well known that I LOVE a competition date – although admittedly it’s better when the girls compete since they’re all craaaa-zy.

Before we can get down to action though, it’s time to find out who’s got the date of doom. (p.s. – Why is Doug’s mouth always so red? It’s like he always just finished a popsicle. Okay, okay – it’s cause he wears lipstick.)

Two on One Date Card time. It’s John “The Wolf” and Nate -  “Let’s explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.”

So the guys split up and it’s the Muscles (Chris, Charlie, Travis, Sean) vs. The Little Misses (Kalon, Jef, Ryan, Arie).

Side note: Doesn’t Travis look like one of the guys in Rascal Flatts?

Race Summary: Muscles heads out to an early start, they get over confident and the little ladies come up from behind and seal the win.

No drama and no craziness make me a little sad. Oh well, at least we get to see the muscles hang their head in defeat on the short bus back to the hotel.

It’s Party Time and once again, the guys are all dressing from the same suitcase.

“Aren’t I Pretty? Come on, you know I’m a pretty man.” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

The always humble Ryan  shares his thoughts thinking that we care, “I’m athletic, I’m good looking and I’m a catch.” You’re also a douche Ryan. But that’s neither here nor there especially when the rest of the guys are heading back to the hotel – filled with shame and regret. So much so that Charlie is crying. C’mon buddy. There’s no crying (for dudes) on The Bachelorette (ha ha, yeah right. Who am i kidding? There’s so much crying for dudes).

Here’s a run down of the after party.

After Ryan toasts to Emily – “his future trophy wife” (don’t even get me started) – she heads off for some alone time with Arie. Up until this VERY moment, Arie was my favorite but after this exchange he may be a leeeetle too feminine for my liking. Maybe he just gets caught up in the cheesiness. I’ll give him a pass this one time.

Next up is Jef. Emily packs up her slanket and heads to Jef’s corner of the beach.  He composes a hit pop tune and sings it to her by the bonfire. Ah, I wish. Instead his hair blows manically in the wind. Clealy Jef got the bottom of the barrel afterthe CVS hair gel raid. Seriously, someone get him some styling putty STAT.

“Are you my mother?” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

Despite the ‘do and the fact that he looks like a 9-year-old boy, Emily is smitten. (WHY WHY WHY?) So smitten that she is all bummed out when he doesn’t go in for the kiss (and spoil his first kiss with a real girl while his hair is messy – NEVER!).

Back inside, Ryan is combing his hair, reciting motivational quotes and looking at himself in the mirror. WOOF. He takes a break from his busy self-adulation schedule to sit down with Emily where he repeats ad nauseum, “We’d have pretty children.” Seriously, someone please just put him (and us) out of our misery.

Other notable lines, “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” and anything to do with her post-baby weight. The only thing positive about Ryan is that he brings out Emily’s sassy southern side which we get to see after his scolding about kissing Arie. Even Emily knows this is whack and is all “Woah woah woah Judgy MdJudgerson – slow your roll.” (Okay maybe she said it a little differently but you get the point.)

Side note: Is Kalon even on this date? I think he was too busy knitting fisherman sweaters to spend time with Emily.

The group date rose once again goes to Jef and what does the little boy get as a reward? Well a fireworks show of course!

Total Elimination Challenge. The Two on One. The Wolf vs. The CPA

After a quick swim with Ricky, Emily is ready for the worst date of her life. “It makes me really sad that one of these guys is going to get lost at sea.” It makes me really sad to think about the secondary embarrassment I’m about to endure. Especially since this date will involve a boat. The most cruel form of break-up transportation.

This date goes by quick (I think they were trying to spare us). They head off an a yacht to an island where they partake in a little ocean fun before cruising back for dinner in a cave (yes, you read that right and yes, this seems like an exact replica of a date on Brad’s season). All three of them continuously talk about how much fun when we all know that on the inside their soul is slowly dying.

Dinner kicks off with a toast to ” a great night.” LIES!

Only to be followed up with what may go down as the most uncomfortable comment in Bachelorette history, “Is that Quinoa?” Yes, Nate it is Quinoa. I know you’re hunting for things to talk about but really quinoa? This conversation lasts entirely too long since by the time it’s over I’m hiding inside my son’s toy box asking if it’s safe to come out.

They split up for individual talks and despite Nate’s tears, he doesn’t get the rose. That goes to the Wolf Man John who is surprisingly normal, mildly charming and pretty good looking. New favorite perhaps?

Nate lingers slightly too long at the table before Emily gives him the boot. He rides off on the dinghy of shame back to wherever he came from. Nate – you left with dignity and I respect that. I’ll even overlook the last minute tears effort.

We don’t get anymore footage of the date so it appears John has been abandoned in a cave. At least he has three full meals to get him through the night.

Ricky, Will you accept this rose?

I’m going to go off topic for a second and humor my ADD train of thought. So do you think Ricky’s pals and her play “Bachelorette” at sleep overs? Maybe like with their teddy bears or dolls or whatever they play with? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking that Ricky ALWAYS gets to be The Bachelorette.

It looks like the Mommy & Me hang out pre-rose ceremony is now a weekly tradition. I like it. Once Ricky masters the blue spelling list, Momma Bear is out to conquer her list.

It’s party time which has me wishing they’d turn off Ryan’s mic. I mean really – haven’t we heard enough of him already? He is seriously destined for Bachelor Pad. No more, no less. (And ps – I wrote this before Ryan’s little revelation.)

Emily’s ready to spice things up and by spice things up, I mean wear a jump suit.

First up – Ale(jandro not ssandro – that gypsy is long gone). Ale’s a little too young for Emily. Despite that (and his large diamond earring), he seems genuine and sufficiently charming. Here’s hoping he gets to hang around another week instead of some of these fools.

And then I see it. WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH JEF. Are you serious with those socks? Why are you dressed for your kindergarden school picture? I mean, really? I can’t even put words around this outfit. If he didn’t already have a rose, he should have been dismissed site on scene (and we thought Kalon was bad).

I’m still reeling from Jef’s tall socks when Ryan’s aura of douche fills the room. Thankfully the guys seem to hate him as much as we do and they send Arie in to bust things up! Arie rescues us from Ryan’s attempts to use three-syllable words correctly and annoyingly spiked up hair.

ABC and the producers are also clearly happy to be rescued since they cue up the romantic, fun tunes and fade out the scary, awkward, weird tunes.But before we’re clear, Ryan sneaks in one last obnoxious comment told to the mute with the ponytail, “I see a lot of potential with Emily but I honestly feel like I’m called to something bigger.” Oh and by bigger, he means The Bachelor. Come on brah, you aint no Bachelor. You are straight up Bachelor Pad. No ifs, ands or buts (not butts) about it.

Side note: If you had been drinking every time Ryan gave himself a compliment, you would be on your way to the ER right now.

Is this guy for real? He’s so awful that I ALMOST forgot about Jef’s awful socks. But really. I cannot stand him and WILL NOT watch him on the BAchelor. Now Bachelor Pad – he’ll be magical on that.

The rest of the night includes Sean being cute and charming. Daddy Daycare & Chris getting into a ridiculously stupid fight where for once I am on Doug’s side (Chris Buddy – you’re just trying too hard) and a sit down with CH.

Chrissy Hare is a probing into the details, trying to find out if Emily will really find true love this time around (doubtful). Even he knows that this group of guys are meh at best.

Bored bored bored until she says she’s on to Ryan’s games (so you’re saying there’s a chance!) and then it’s rose time.

Okay, side note: Was this episode REALLY long or was it just me?

Rose Time

Doug, Jef and John the Wolf have roses.

7 Roses, 2 Guys Going Home.

  • Sean
  • Arie
  • Travis
  • Chris
  • Ryan – BOOOOOO.
  • Kalon – Double Boo.
  • Alejandro

WOAH WOAH WOAH. I definitely thought that one was going to Charlie.

Yowzer. One muscle man is gone and Emily gets rid of the only other person on the show with a pony tail. Michael – we hardly knew ye.

Aw Charlie’s crying in the rain. Poor Charlie.

But enough of that, cheers guys we’re going to London! I for one am excited about all the fancy trench coats Emily’s going to be wearing.

Previews for next week look good! Which basically means that Emily gets real with one of the guys! My wish – Ryan. More obvious choice – Kalon or Chris maybe.

What did you all think of this episode? Too little Harrison right?

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“To me this is the happies place on Earth.” Dolly > Walt. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 3 Recap

Last night’s Bachelorette viewing experience was an epic failure. First off, our DVR didn’t record the episode so I had to start 45 minutes in. Second, the notes I typed up for the remaining portion of the show didn’t save and were lost so I’m going from memory here folks. But I’m trying to catch up on the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. Apologies in advance.

The episode begins with breakfast in bed for Emily. Must be nice. After discussing the perils of reality TV show dating while having a kid with her mama, we’re back at the mansion with our dear friend CH.

But Mama, it’s just so hard looking pretty, drinking cocktails and dating 16 men.

Congrats, only 16 of you left. Only 15 more total elimination challenges until you get true love.

First up…

Chris “Love is a Steady Climb.”

The date kicks off at night with some talk about the weather. But all that small talk comes to a close when Emily lets Chris know that they will be getting dinner together but the route to the meal is up the side of the building. Well, finally. I’ve been waiting for some sort of date that involves a harness.

Chris says love is definitely like climbing a building and I wonder out loud if the producers tell them to say this shit or if it’s their Stockholm syndrome peaking through.

Up they go on the always romantic building climb in the middle of a thunder-storm. Nothing like good ole Mother Nature to spoil the romance.

p.s. – Was the production team sending out alerts to the people of Charlotte to come and gawk at all these dates? Do people in NC really care about Emily that much? Is the lure of a television crew just too much to handle? Seriously, why are all these people just watching them slowly ascend a building?

High Five! Cause there’s no way in hell i’m kissing that evil grin. (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Since Emily clearly needs lots of reassuring, one “I love you Emily” shout from the crowd is all she needs to get over the hump and up to the top. Multiple high fives later, one awkward hug and a glass of champagne later and Chris still hasn’t kissed Emily. What are you waiting for bud? An invitation? (Please lord don’t ask her if you can kiss her. That is by far the worst.)

Wait wasn’t there a storm coming in? Why are they eating outside? Sorry so many questions, so few answers.

Emily tells Chris that he’s just too cute for her – um no. Emily – stop saying that. None of these guys are too cute for you.

Chris has this weird, small smile that is super awkward. He does this thing where he puts his head down and does that mouth closed smile and I want to shield my eyes.

Back at the mansion, Tony is using his Kermit voice to baby talk with his son – get mentally prepared folks cause this is the first of WAY too much baby talk.

Date card time, who’s on deck for this sausage fest.

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Back on the date, Chris is forced to use his odd closed mouth smile and the phrase “I’m a man” to prove he’s ready at 25 to be a Dad. I used to like Chris but that odd smile totally weirds me out. I just can’t deal.

THIS is what I’m talking about.

Despite the wonky smile, Emily totally falls for him and he snags the rose. And what better way to close a date but a personal, street performance. As they dance in the street to the musical stylings of Luke Bryan, Chris commits my number one cardinal sin – asking for the kiss. This totally goes against his previous statement, “I’m a man.” He sneaks in the first kiss before giving a bro-out to Luke Bryan for performing a totally rad concert for him, his creepy grin and Emily.

Back in Charlotte, birds are singing, Emily is wearing jean shorts and the dudes are ready to kick it in the park. That can only mean one thing. It’s Group Date time!

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Do you all know how mad my spell check gets about Jef with one F. Seriously, I can feel it judging me every time I type it. Moving on.

Ryan, who just gets douchier by the moment asserts his “connection” with Emily. I used to like him but every time he appears on camera I hate him a little more. As I’m contemplating my disdain for Ryan, Emily just dips out. She’s like, “you all are the worst and I’d rather pluck out my eye lashes than be around you one more moment” so instead she decides to go kick it with her mommy-pals.

It’s time to get the mom-squad involved in this show. First off, it must be addressed that these gals are at least 10 years older than Emily. Second, I think they all have vodka in their thermos (get it girls!). Put these two elements together and I think we’re finally gonna get a little personality on this show. Bring. It. On

These ladies are hype. I love it. “These women are my best friends and they’re a tough critic.” Loves it.

It’s time for the gal pals to interview the brahs. I can’t remember which guy said it but he nailed it with, “this is going to be a train wreck.”

Hey Ladies – Don’t be strangers!

The young brunettes tag team a few of the guys and ask about being a dad. BORING. Where is that sassy Indian chick and the boozy blond?

Ah here they are. Ready to grill egg guy and Shelly (who knew the egg had a name). “Did you fertilize it yourself?” Best line ever.

Of course, Stevie showcases his dance MC moves and Ryan does push ups. Could these guys be bigger stereotypes?

Sean is on the scene (sorry I’ve been spelling his name wrong all season) and comes strong with the faith and kids card. Well played.

Okay, hold the front door. Can we get Wendy (boozy blond) to make weekly appearances on the show. She’s definitely had the best lines of the season and has 1.7 million times more personality than Emily. I’d like to see her join Em and CH in those fireside chats. I think Wendy wants to take Sean home with her. Watch out Emily, Wendy may try to steal this “genetic specimen.”

Love how she’s just sipping on her vodka water and making Sean take his shirt off and do push ups.

But enough of that, Emily wants the guys to put their “money where their mouth is” by proving they really like kids so some poor group of kids is forced to kick it with the dudes for an afternoon.

Side note: Alright, we get it. Emily needs to find a dad for Ricky Tick but enough with all this kid stuff. They aren’t competing to teach daycare.

In the mean time, Ryan the attention whore stops by the sip ‘tinis with the ladies. But since he obviously is the most vain (have you seen that hair/tan) and ridiculous human on the show, tells Emily that she best not get fat or he won’t be “loving on her as much.” To add insult to injury, he says it right in front of her friends. C’mon buddy. I know he’s cute and all, but can we please be rid of him?

The gals decide that Sean and Doug are their faves. Agreed Wendy, brunettes and sweet sassy Indian.

It’s dinner time aka crying time for Tony.

One thing Emily doesn’t disappoint with is her style. That skirt she sports to the dinner group date is freaking cute. Can’t wait to see how much that puppy cost on Possessionista.

Emily tells the guys that she loved that they got to meet her friends and that she got to evaluate their ability to kick it with kids.

Doug is up first and gushes on how much this parents love each other. (Sean, next time please apply so SPF 30 to that forehead.) Doug comes in strong by complimenting the pals but then gets all serious and gives us the “Doug life story.” Daddy Doug had a pretty rough time growing up. And I must agree with Emily when she says he seems like “an awesome human being.” Team Doug! (Wish he had a different name cause Doug just reminds me of the cartoon.)

Clearly a day at the park with a gang of kiddos was just too much for this emotional Daddy-O. It appears that Tony-T is missing his little man, big time. I am totally cool with the loving parent things but when he picks up the phone to call his little dude, his voice goes straight Kermy. Dude, your kid is 5 not 2. I’m sure he understands your normal voice.

But before Tony can have a full-fledged meltdown, we find out Arie will be getting the other date with Emily.

(p.s. – How funny was it when Kalon asked Arie if he can drive stick shift. Uh buddy, he’s a race card driver, a professional car driver, I’m pretty sure he can drive a stick shift.)

Not a rainbow connection.

Emily and Tony sit down so he can talk more about his kid and fight back tears. Next up is a papa bear heart to heart with Doug where Tony basically loses it. I’m pretty sure Taylor (Tony’s kid) can make a few more weeks without Dad and his large collection of snap-up apparel (seriously, does he not know how to use buttons?).”Do you know I miss you SO much! Do you know I love yooooou? Do you miss me toooo?” Come on guy, get it together. Your kid is gonna be fine. “No I’m joker and you’re Batman.” Oh lord. Please get this guy out of her. This conversation is sending me into a secondary embarrassment frenzy. “Where is Dad, where did he go?” Um, Tony, I didn’t hear Taylor say that once. Little man sounded a-okay to me.

Unfortunately for Taylor, Emily notices that Tony is just not man enough to make it another moment without his son so she comes over to send him home. His 8-week slumber party and candy fest at grandma’s house is going to end early. To Emily’s credit, she weaves a nice story about how she’s doing him a favor and before Tony knows what’s hit him, he’s being placed in a cab.

Sayonara Tony and your Kermit voice.

But now it’s back to the party, where Emily gives the rose to Sean.

Enough with this non-sense though, we’ve got a date with Arie coming up.

Arie. Good Ole Rocky Top. (Sorry I forgot what the date card said.)

Arie and Emily hop in a private jet and head to… er, Pigeon Forge. No offense to Pigeon Forge (been there, love it) but you know Arie is wondering what they’re doing there.

You’re going to DOLLYWOOD! Which in case you didn’t know, is to Emily the “happiest place on earth.” All Arie cares about is that she’s wearing jean shorts (girl must own like 19 pairs).

They enjoy all the sites and sounds of Dollywood – games, lemonade, roller coasters and dancing to the sweet sounds of the fiddle being played by overall clad, moustached men. Take that Walt Disney.

You’re not in Pheonix anymore.

But there’s only so much fun you can have before you need a nice air-conditioned break, so these two head into the empty stage where Dolly sometimes performs.

Side note: Alright, if Emily honestly thought she was going to take a trip to Dollywood as part of a nationally televised show and NOT meet Dolly Parton, she is cray. We’re only three episodes in and she’s already been to two performances, you think they didn’t make a call to sweet sweet Dolly? B**ch please.

They find a pair of microphones and a piece of paper urging them to write a love song. All the while I pray out loud that we won’t have to hear either of them sing the monstrosities they’re sure to write.

And just like that, my prayers are answered… HELLO DOLLY!

Dolly is on the scene and Emily has a full-fledge panic attack. Dolly is there in all her rhinestone glory ready to give the now standard awkward personal performance. Arie and Emily dances and he tries to keep hold of her so she doesn’t attack Dolly and plant a big open-mouth smooch on her face.

“She’s such a cool lady… she wears fabulous costumes every day.” Watch out dudes, it appears Emily aspires to be just like Dolly one day (this could be a good or bad thing, depends on who you ask. To me… Good thing. At least she’s be making something of herself). Dolly & Emily sit down for a quick chat where Dolly tells Emily “she knows her story.”

“It’s crazy to me that Dolly Parton even knows I exist on this planet.” Well, how could she not. I’m sure she has a television and you’re pretty much on it ALL THE TIME.

One more quick serenade from Dolly (a song she wrote for her husband of 46 years – get it Dolly!) and we can tell Emily is a smitten kitten. Even Dolly knows it.

At dinner, these two dine alfresco and Emily grills him on life, love and whether he wants to be Ricky’s daddy.

Clearly, Arie is one of the front-runners and I couldn’t be happier. But rather than gush on him, she continues to gush on Dolly. Um hello, you have a hottie race car driver to dine with – get on it!

Emily gets straight to business – “you dated a girl with two kids, I need to hear more about that.” He gives us the full breakdown about his daddy day care duties which is the ultimate panty dropper for Em.

Dolly, will you accept this rose. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

p.s. – has anyone else noticed how much Emily pulls that one strand of hair out of her face? It’s like a constant battle since she never actually puts it behind her ear.

Blahblahblah, being a good mommy, kids, family and then it’s rose time. Emily tries to pull a fast one on Arie but SUPRESA, it’s just a joke. You get a Rose. Duh.

You’d think he’d get an open mouth kiss right then and there but it’s jut a kiss on the cheek. She’s saving the good stuff for the romantic carousel ride. Instead of saddling up, they grab a bench an open mouth kiss their way in circle to the sweet sounds  of Dolly Parton.

Exhibit A: Visual Proof of the Hair Twitch. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

Earn Your Rose Time.

Another week, another bathroom heart to heart with little Ricky while mommy zips up her latest sparkly black tie dress. This time it’s a gold sparkly number lacking a little in the support category. Oh Emily, you were just with Dolly. Didn’t she give you any pointers on how to properly support the girls?

The guys are mentally preparing and by mentally preparing I mean staring into the fire pit drinking away their anxiety. Some highlights from the cocktail party:

  • Kalon, el doucho supremo, is sporting the science glasses Aaron left behind (doesn’t he know those are a bad luck). In a cheer-worthy foot-in-mouth one two combo, he accost Emily for not giving him a date and then follows it up with this gem, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” I wish she would just escort him out now (or at least after he said these words outloud, “It’s not how I wrote it in my journal as a kid.” Well that makes sense that he used to be a 12-year-old girl). His little faux-pas clearly turns Emily off – “I like tall, skinny and funny but I don’t like tall, skinny and condescending.” Truth.
  • Egg Guy & Shelly (aka Travis). It’s finally time to say adios to Shelly so they take her out on the porch and smash her. I will say that during this exchange it seems like Emily finally shows a little bit of personality and sense of humor. Can we get more like this and less talk about kids? Gotta say my favorite part of the episode was when the dudes came out to “mourn” Shelly and then toasted to her. Cheers to the producers for including that!
  • Alessandro gets the boot. Emily sits down with him cause she “has a lot of questions.” Most importantly, where do you get that spray tan and can I recommend someone instead? No but really, Alessandro and Emily talk babes (of course – blech) and he drops the “i’m a gypsy” line before saying that Ricky would be a “compromise.” Basically, Alessandro is willing to “compromise” his life by putting aside his busy gypsy lifestyle for their fam.  This exchange is probably one of the worst so far. I want to jump behind my couch as he digs himself deeper and deeper into his grave. And just like that, he’s gone. We find out later that he is willing to compromise on dating his cousin and sleeping with girls on the first night. Looks like Emily made a good choice in ditching this one.
  • Arie steals some kisses. After giving Ale the boot, Em just needs a little loving (and obviously, reassurance that her kiddo isn’t a “compromise.” Oh and that she looks really really pretty right now) so she heads straight to Arie’s arms for a little side smooching. Yes!
  • Sean graciously flatters Emily since that’s all she really needs in life. Well that and someone to keep her living the life she’s become accustomed to.

The rest of the party is pretty uneventful (other than the bros getting all hot and bothered about Emily smooching Arie – I’m looking at you meat heads Charlie & Ryan). Also side note, was Emily wearing boots under that gold lame dress? I swear I saw something ankle length.

Time’s Up. Let’s get our Rose on.

Chris, Sean and Arie already have roses. One guy gotsta go.Who’s it gonna be. I’m hoping it’s Kalon but I know it’s going to be Stevie.

  • Jef
  • Charlie (she definitely says his name the most country)
  • Doug
  • Micheal (where’s he been all episode?)
  • Travis sans Shelly
  • Alejandro
  • Ryan
  • John
  • Kalon – booooooo!

And evil takes a human form in… Kalon.

And the final rose goes to…

  • Nate (who is this guy?)

More MC Stevie. The music’s over for our favorite Jersey boy. He leaves without embarrassing himself anymore than doing the worm in the park.

Next week, we’re finally leaving Ricky behind and heading to Bermuda where it looks like Ryan shows his true color and we get my favorite kind of date… a competition!

What did you think of Emily & Dolly’s first date? How do you feel about Ryan? Are you with me on Team Arie?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Kissing Frogs with Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 2 Recap

I have high hopes for this season. And having the Muppets on the second episode could either be a brilliant way up the secondary embarrassment ante or it could be an early life vest meant to save us from the boredom that this cast of guys appears to be.

I’m going to look on the bright side, mostly because Fozzie is going to make an appearance. What can I say, I’m a huge Fozzie fan.

(ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled episode for BREAKING NEWS! Emily is filming in Charlotte, North Carolina. Did you all get that? Cause if not, there are helicopters circling above hunting Emily and her man candy’s every move. For Action News, I’m Ricky Bobby.

She may be a big news story but all Emily really needs after a stressful night of meeting, drinking with and ultimately kicking off a bunch of hot (-ish) dudes is a Mommy’s day out at the park. Hold the phone. I know Emily is a young mommy but she’s got to be able to find some Mom friends under the age of 40. Emily, I’m 28. I have a kid. Call me. We’ll hang out.

But enough of that. There’s a house full of dudes not paying attention to Chris Harrison. (What the what is happening around here? Why aren’t people snapping to attention the moment CH strolls into the house? Blasphemy.)

Since these guys don’t appear to be the sharpest knives in the drawer, CH is forced to give them a detailed break down of how the show works. “Some guys get individual dates, some guys get group dates, some guys get no dates…” seems easy enough and you’d think these guys would have watched an episode before packing but hey, who am I to judge.

The group thanks Chris in unison (there’s a little of the respect this man deserves) and someone remarks, “things just got real.” Truth.

First up: “Ryan, be my King in the Queen City.”

Emily gets creativity points for actually being clever in her first date card (but it’s early and I don’t want to get our hopes up). Ryan flexes his muscles, fixes his hair and throws on his favorite burn-out, v-neck tee. You’re right unnamed dude, “things just got real.”

Emily is excited to go on a date with Ryan but nervous because he’s “crazy good-looking” and the last “crazy good-looking” dude she dated was Brad (WOOF – these are her words, not mine). Let’s hope that these Brad references are few & far between. (A girl can dream.)

So Ryan’s all hyped up, wondering what the producers have in store for the first date. Rappelling (a personal favorite), helicopters, jets, sports cars?  Nope, we’re taking the SUV to Emily’s home to do a little baking. (Not gonna lie, baking chocolate chip cookies doesn’t sound bad at all) Turns out Emily really is a soccer mom and it’s her turn to bring snack to practice.

Ryan can’t hide his viable disappointment but he puts on a brave face and a frilly apron and gets to baking.

A batch of cookies and few sliced oranges (p.s. – both looked delicious) and it’s time to drop off those goodies for the girlies. Unfortunately for Ryan, he’s not allowed to meet little Ricky yet so he sits in the parking lot like a huge creeper while Betty Crocker delivered the goods.

No officer, I swear I’m just waiting for my, errr, girlfriend.

Back at the pool, the guys are talking about the star of the show. They debate whether Ricky will really like any of them (doubtful at best) and who’s abs are the best (too early to choose).

Now that her Mommy dearest duties are done for the day, it’s time to party. Which means they’re off to Chuckie Cheese! PSYCH!

While I think Emily would be totally cool with pizza and a regular coke (yeah, right), the producers won’t allow for anymore of this normalcy (read: boring). So it’s off to dinner & a surprise.

They arrive at the restaurant and it’s surrounded by a swarm of fans (“Charlotte’s just a little city” um, no it’s not. It may not be LA or NYC but c’mon it’s a seriously large metropolitan area. Enough of this country bumpkin rouse.) You’d think with a roped off crowd outside that there would at least be a few other people inside. Nope. It’s empty, just like Emily’s belly at the end of the meal.

During Ryan & Emily’s overly familiar first date convo, I tune out and instead get into a twitter convo with one of my most favorite Bachelorette bloggers – possessionista. This ranks right up there with Mike Fleiss and Ames Brown in terms of my fave twitter responses. (Check it out.)

And I’m back, just in time to hear them mention kids, family and life together. What about pizza toppings, bands you hate and sounds that make you want to pull out your hair (okay, maybe those aren’t great first date topics either but at least it doesn’t involve reproductive parts). Either way, he snags the rose all while wooing sassy southern Emily out. I wanted their conversation about “the chase” to be cute, I did, but all it did was make me feel mildly uncomfortable.

Emily (aka The Producers) couldn’t let the date end this way so they pull a signature move out of the playbook – the concert. It’s a special concert surprise! Well, that’s if you consider Gloriana special (ps – where was the blond girl who used to have the show on MTV?). Gotta love the up and coming artist serenade. There’s only one thing more embarrassingly awkward than being serenaded and that’s being serenaded in the middle of a mob of camera phones on a floating stage. Yup, that happened.

They dance and talk about how “surreal” it all is which leads me to believe an open mouth kiss is imminent. Unfortunately for us all, there is no slobber swap to put a proper end to the date.

Group Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Johm, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Eric, Stevie and Kalan. “Let’s set the stage for love.”

Oh Kermie, Why can’t you come on the group date with us? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Kalan comes out strong with the first douchey date comment, “I embrace the stage.” Yeah, of course you do. Along with expensive face cream, overpriced lip injections and uni-sex fragrances.

Moving on, it’s time to hit your mark (as Emily so obviously does upon walking on to the stage). Thankfully for us all, there is a surprise…. The Muppets! I mean, c’mon we know someone had to save us from the impending doom that is watching these guys “perform.” And if it has to be the most loveable puppets around (no, not you Ames), then so be it.

The guys split up into groups to practice their routines (although after 10 minutes of this date I still had little to no idea what kind of “show” this is). Some will sing (?), some will dance (?), some will tell jokes (?). All the while, Emily will look insanely gorgeous and play the role of “Seriously Adorable Leading Lady.”

Two highlights from the practice session: Tony’s Kermit impersonation and Fozzie’s appearance. God, I love Fozzie bear.

But Fozzie’s triumphant return to the small screen is interrupted by Charlie’s overwhelming fear of public speaking. Does he have a stutter (don’t act like you weren’t thinking that at home)?

This semi-serious moment is corroborated by a look-in at the guys back at the Casa de Douche discussing Charlie’s accident. It’s like watching a guy version of The Hills.

Charlie freaks out and tells Emily there’s no way he can tell jokes about Muppets on stage tonight. Like the sweet angel she is, Emily totally understands. Thankfully, Charlie doesn’t totally b**ch out and offers to take a part in whatever the other two groups are doing (again, is it singing, dancing, acting? so confused).

It’s show time and Bruno Mars, I mean Jef, is super pumped about performing with Kermit. Hit it!

The show mainly consists of Emily wearing cute outfits and swaying to the beat while Kermit and Miss Piggy run around her which, I’m totally cool with. The guys sing (if you want to call it that), dance (if you want to call it that) and tell jokes (if you want to call them that). The definite highlight was Chris Harrsion sitting in for Waldo, well that and Fozzie Bear.

It’s the Muppets! (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

The performance closes with Little Ricky taking the stage (well of course she does, she’s the real star of this show) to sing “Rainbow Connection” with Kermit. The guys all “Oooh” and “Ahhh” over how cute and precious Ricky is while she shoots them death stares in between cute shrugs.

On to the drinking portion of the group date.

It’s time to up the ante (and their BAC) and enjoy a little cocktail hour.

First up, Chicago Chris. I’m not overly enthused although I find him far more appealing than half the guys so let’s see what happens. Drew on the other hand is already ruling him out, “You’re not gonna cut it bud. She’s from CaroooolIIIIInaaaah and she’s definitely not dating some Yankee.” (In case you’re wondering, my husband isn’t a total redneck, only a partial one although judging from that statement the red part may be growing.)

Emily digs Chris cause he’s cute and not showy which in television terms means he’s pretty boring.

Onto Jef, who for some reason Emily REALLY digs. Emily is all self-conscious wondering why Jef hasn’t been picking up what she’s been putting down so far. They both blush as they awkwardly talk about how much they like each other. I hide under the sofa cushions and wonder out loud how Jef managed to escape from One Direction.

In other news, Kalan continues to be creepy, Stevie defies the odds and is still on the show and Aaron is still wearing those hipster science nerd glasses.

But it’s bed time and Emily is through with this nonsense so she slips the rose to Jef and gets out of dodge.

End Scene.

One Night Only: Joe “Come close to my heart.”

Emily is excited for her date with Joe who she thinks looks like Matthew McConaughey. Um Emily, please. He is James Van Der Beek’s long-lost twin.
Anyways, Joe is hype for the date and dons his best plaid shirt since he’s done his research and knows she’s a sucker for a dopey guy in plaid.

He arrives at the airport and you know his mind is racing thinking of all the amazing places they could be heading. Instead, she bursts that bubble with a surprise trip to West Virginia. “Ahhhh Mannnn.”

But Joe gets it together and after a quick stare at Emily in that dress, gets as excited as anyone has ever been to go to West Virginia.

Emily tells Joe she’s taking him to the Greenbrier, a lovely resort where she spent a lot of time growing up. (Really? I’m not buying the whole Greenbrier bit. I’m thinking they came there once on family vacation but who’s to say.)It’s also where she got her “first makeover.”  (I can’t make this stuff up.)

They spend the day wandering around, swimming in the old indoor pool and getting dressed up.

Emily thinks Joe is dreamy and I think Joe is high. But enough about that, it’s dinner time.

Even that guy has secondary embarrassment.

Quick dance break. Back at the sausage factory, the guys sit around the pool and flex. Between sets, Kalan and Doug get into a fight about being a dad. I’m only half paying attention but it boils down to Kalan acting like a dick (obviously) and Doug getting super pissed and really protective of his role as a Dad. Get used to this story line people, it’s definitely going to be a reoccurring one.

Joe sneaks in a quick hit and is ready for an evening with the lovely E. The dinner conversation is painful at best and heinously awkward at worst. Joe treats the date convo like a business meeting he didn’t prepare for and throws out so much jargon I can’t follow his train of thought.

Emily tries to get things back on track by telling him about the love clock and how people put their wishes into it (what, so weird). It seems like at this point she knows that she’s going to get rid of Joe but still makes him go through the process of writing out his feelings for her to place in the clock. As he talks about coming back with Ricky Tick and Emily’s parentals, the SE goosebumps set in and I have to shield my eyes from what’s about to go down.

For whom the clock tolls.

Emily is trying to let Joe down slowly but he’s all, “Is there a but coming?” (That’s what she said.) She tells him he’s not getting the rose and he gets the hell out of there. ABC, not one to put their romantic fireworks to waste, let’s them explode into the air as a representation of how this date imploded.

Side note: I’m going to need Emily to step up her game and not be so damn boring. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 30 times already – I’ve got high hopes for you Emily. Don’t let me down!

Rose Ceremony

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… some camera time for Arie. They talk about Scottsdale and he throws in some bit about loving kids. I’m not really paying attention to the words and mostly just trying to soak up his awesomeness for a couple of minutes.

Next up is Ryan, so sneaks in some time with Emily despite already having a rose. This ALWAYS is an issue and the guys are super annoyed. They all tell Tony he should go interrupt. But of course, just as he walks in Ryan presents Emily with a note. And by note, I mean 7 PAGE ESSAY (!!!!) thanking her or declaring his love or something. I thought I liked Ryan but any guy that writes SEVEN pages after one date needs to chill the f out. Either he has the biggest handwriting ever or he needs to spend more time poolside.

Tony is forced to watch on as Emily reads every, single word out loud. WOOF.

Thankfully it ends and Emily, as sweet as ever, makes a joke about the letter and thanks him for sticking around.

I’m not ready to give up on Tony just yet (for some reason I kinda like him) but the way he talks is a little annoying. Mostly the way he said he had a son and how he pronounced “TAAAYYYYLOOOOOR.” But he loves the Muppets, so he’s cool in my book.

The rest of the night includes Kalan being a tool (shocker), Stevie being semi-annoying (double shocker) and Aaron still wearing those lame old glasses.

Rose time.

Doesn’t he know he looks like an idiot in those glasses? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Ryan & Jef already have roses. Two guys going home….

  • Kalan – BOOO.
  • Arie – YES!
  • Michael
  • Nate – Never saw him this episode.
  • Shawn
  • Chris
  • Doug
  • Travis
  • Tony
  • John aka The Wolf
  • Alessandro
  • Charlie
  • Alejandro

Aaron is SO heated. I might actually care if I didn’t have to look at him in those awful glasses.

  • Stevie. WHAT THE WHAT?

How in the world did Stevie get a rose (oh i know the answer – the producers are drawing out this Stevie/Kalan battle)? Aaron and Kyle are headed home.

Kyle had some bad jokes and Aaron had those bad glasses. Sucks to be them.

Blah, blah, blah… I want to find love. Tears welling, exit to limo.

Get excited friends… next week they go to DOLLYWOOD! Oh and it looks like there’s some drama too. Double Bonus!

What did you all think of this week’s episode? Are you loving Emily? Who’s your favorite? What’s the 411? What are all the cool kids talking about? (Sorry, I couldn’t help but sneak in a Mean Girls reference.)

Until next time… stay tuned!

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