Oh Hometowns, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.
Seriously, I think I count down to hometowns every season. I love getting a sneak peek into where these creeps come from. (Okay, okay I take it back. They’re not all creeps but who knows, their families may be.)
Emily is excited about the home towns you know, since she’s SUPER excited about every moment she’s spent being filmed on her quest for love.
But before the journey can continue, we’re back in Charlotte to catch up with our girl Ricki Tick (maybe that’s what’s been missing the last few episodes). Ricki, who it appears has been left alone to make crafts for her long-lost momma the last couple weeks, is hype to see Emily. This is mildly heartwarming until I see that no one has taken out the braids she got in Aruba. (no really, has she been alone this whole time.) Seems like all Emily needs to refresh (before hitting the road on another extended vacation) is a girl’s slumber party with her top chick Ricki Tick. But before these crazy gals head to bed, Emily locks up, forgetting that she already let the bad guys (you pick: producers, the sweaty camera crew, America, 25 eligible and slightly unhinged bachelors) inside and it looks like they’re spending the night on her living room couch. Wouldn’t want us to miss a minute of Bachelorette action.
p.s. – I’m skipping the recap montages since they’re all full of tongue kissing, picnic dates and street strolling. (Oh and Jef skateboards. I forgot about that.)
My kind of town. Chicago is…
We’re in the windy city on Chris’ farewell date (let’s not pretend that he’s making it any farther). Chris is back, in an outfit he stole from Mr. Rodgers, ready to win Emily’s affection (aw, it’s sweet to have dreams).
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Chris creeps me out. Something about his smile, serious tan and the anxious combo of nodding and shoulder shrugging. Despite that, he’s made it this far. Props to you Chris.
After the most predictable surprise, it’s time for Chris and Emily to explore Chicago (and yes, we’ve done this date 3453453453 times already). Here’s the deal: Chicago is awesome. One of the coolest cities with literally hundreds of things to do at any one time. Museums, the waterfront, really great public art, tons of interesting neighborhoods. What does Chris do with Emily – he takes her to a dumpy polish restaurant. REALLY DUDE? REALLY?
But Chris “on a scale of 1 to 10 Polish is Polish” (WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?) so we’re forced to see Emily avoid all food in a crummy dive bar. Add to this that their entire conversation goes as follows:
Chris: “I’m so excited you’re here”
Emily: “I’m so happy and excited to be here.”
RINSE & REPEAT.
Kill me now.
Then to break up the monotony Emily asks “We’re going to see your family today right?” Come on Emily, act like you’ve done this before. It;s HOMETOWNS. Of course you’re meeting his family. Gah, is it time for Jef’s date yet?
So Chris breaks down the fam. Dad will love her (cause she’s hot), Mom will love her (cause she’s a hot mom), his sister will hate her (because she’s a hot mom on a reality TV show).
Before heading home, Chris comments wistfully – “I think we’d have a fantastic life here.” I don’t know what’s sadder – that he used the word fantastic in a sentence or that he legitimately think he has a shot with Emily, let alone getting her to move to Charlotte (ain’t happening bro).
Emily heads over to meet the folks who are not what I expect at all. John, Rose, Renee and Teresa seem normal and nice (that is HIGH praise on this show). Dinner is served and it’s appropriately fashioned like The Last Supper (you know, since they’ll never see each other again).
After a meal where no one actually eats, it’s time for some serious convos. Dad’s up first and he gives us his behind the scenes insight on his boy, Chris. “Christopher is a great guy. He’s a great great guy.” Welp, that pretty much sums it up. Thanks John.
Other than John’s teal shirt and visible gold chain I love him (or maybe I love him because of those things). Same with momma Rose. The sisters are a little bitchy but let’s be real – we’d all be bitchy as hell if our brother brought home a reality TV contestant who’s been tongue kissing 15 dudes on rotation.
Renee asks Emily to let Chris go sooner rather than later if she doesn’t think he’s the right guy for her. Clearly, a sign of things to come.
Before it’s on to the next one, Chris pulls Emily outside to tell her he loves her (WHY WHY WHY?) and then finishes the date the best way he knows – with polish dancing and cheap carnations (hey, it works with all the girls in Chicago).
Won’t you take me to Mormon Town.
Ah Utah, the least funky place ever.
So it’s time to get down with Jef who grows on me more and more each episode. We’re at Jef’s family ranch and we’re all thinking what Emily is, “Woah Nelly. who knew that Jef was so rich?” Apparently whatever Mormon business Jef’s parentals are in pays really really well.
Jef greets Emily with the ever so manly, ” You look like really really cute.” Oh Jef, you’re like the younger, valley girl sister I never had.
But I take back any mean things as soon as Jef tells Emily she’s going for a dune buggy ride. Nice work Jef. It appears that Jef realized that the producers were never going to let him do anything but sip wine and stroll through quaint city streets. So Jef has upped the ante on hometowns. We’re gonna buggy around his GIANT ranch and then do a little skeet shooting. I applaud you Jef with one F.
p.s. – Who would have EVER thought Jef would be the one to host this kind of date?
Skeet shooting is a big hit (no pun intended) with Jef dominating the skeet. “Who knew Jef in his skinny jeans had such a good shot?” I couldn’t have said it better myself Emily.
She stands on the side acting all scared and meek before grabbing the shot gun and going all Lara Croft on those clay pigeons. “I take gun lessons as home,” Emily says (leaving out the part about arming herself to keep Brad Womack away at all costs).
p.s. – Drew points out that Jef is left-handed. Well of course he is.
After a quick picnic (which on this show means chugging a bottle of wine on a printed blanket), it’s time to meet the family. Except Jef’s parents won’t be there. A blue million other family members will be on hand but the parentals are in South Carolina – which must be where they send really rich Mormon missionaries (it’s why Romney is in Massachusetts).
So Jef has a big family. Like too many brothers and sisters for me to keep track of. The dudes are all meh and the girls are all kinda hotties. The whole gathering has a Big Love vibe and I wonder if they are legit sisters or many be just sister wives.
Emily sits down with his sisters and they try to give her the business on the dealio with Jef. They ask if she’s in love with Jef and she shrugs cryptically since we all know she’s contractually not allowed to say the L-word on TV (Side Note, can we institute that ban for the dudes as well?). In the end, Em wins the ladies over. “I feel like Emily is just like us,” you know, rich and blonde.
Jef clearly doesn’t want her to spend too much time with the fam, so he whisks her out of there and off to a canyon where he can declare his love. So I have a confession to make: I think I like Jef now.
I know, I know. I’ve been a serious hater but just like Ames before him, he has slowly won me over with his goofy charm and odd style. I’m even still on board with him after he commits the cardinal sin of SE: reading a letter aloud.
The letter, while a little long and a lot corny, seemed genuine and sincere (well, except for that part about teaching Ricky how to play sports. Come on buddy! We all know the only sport you could teach her is soccer).
Emily is smitten. I never thought she would pick Jef but the look in her eyes when she’s around him is pretty serious. I think he has a legit chance at being the winner. (Cause this is a game, duh.)
“That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Emily proclaims before going in for a kiss.
p.s. – I also like Jef because unlike Arie, his kisses aren’t full of unnecessary sound effects. Clearly he can kiss without sounding like a leaky faucet.
Speaking of Arie….
A Race Against Time
We’re in Arizona, ready to get our race on with Arie. I’m personally ready to take a 20 minute break from the show since it pains me to watch him fill up my television screen with his big, loud kissing, lips.
“Arie definitely looks stupid hot” Emily says. And I agree – he looks stupid and it must be hot in that giant suit.
Anyways, Arie decides to take Emily for a spin in his race car (doesn’t that just sound dirty) and as they drive I finally come to a conclusion about what bugs me about Arie. More specifically his lips. He definitely is on Accutane. Think about it.
Now that I’ve come to one conclusion, I’m ready to come to the conclusion that this love will not last (no matter how many David Gray songs you play).
These two crazy kids head off to a random park to pre-drink for the family dinner. This is clearly necessary since Arie is having a panic attack before our eyes, worrying about whether his mom will physically assault Emily over dinner. There’s no clear reason given but it just sounds like Arie’s mom must be a total bitch.
Our assumptions are confirmed when we see Momma Mica in a snug teal satin dress she borrowed from our favorite rich girl, Chantal (gah, I miss that girl. She was material for days.) Side note: I think Arie is this season’s Chantal.
Other than mom, there’s Arie Sr. and his two little brothers (did you see the acne… Arie’s totes on Accutane). Papa Arie seems nice & cool but his Mom… yikes a million. She says one thing to Emily and then decides she’s done with her. Sorry Emily, I no longer feel it’s worthwhile for me to speak to you in English, so I am going to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible and speak in a language you have no chance of understanding.
I mean how insanely awkward was that. I thought it couldn’t get worse and then Dad chimes in, “They’re talking about you.” Oh great. It must be wonderful if you can’t even say it in my native tongue. It’s clearly awkward but NOT NOBODY stops it.
Arie opines later, “It’s kind of awkward when everyone’s speaking in dutch.” Um yeah, so why didn’t you stop?
Arie’s mom follows up that warm welcome with an invitation to go out back and disappear. Em politely declines and they settle on a random bedroom for an in-depth convo. I’m able to make out that Mica wants to know why Emily is whoring it up on national tv again since she already watched her do it once before. Emily says something in English that Momma Arie clearly doesn’t understand and it’s back to the guys.
Arie and Papa Arie sit down and little A tells dad that Emily has all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman. This is code for – she has a huge rack, is super skinny, hot and blonde. Dad agrees and gives his blessing on their unlikely union.
We’re forced to sit through one more excruciatingly loud, sloppy wet kiss before Arie says “I am going to marry Emily.” Yeah, well chances are you won’t.
The Big D
Last but certainly not least is Sean. Emily thinks Sean is perfect. No really, she does. Like every single thing about him is just perfect. So perfect. His dogs are perfect, our life would be perfect, his pecs are perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.
In Chicago, all Emily said was she was excited to be there. Well, in Dallas, all we’re going to hear about is perfect Sean. Prepare accordingly.
Sean and his perfect dogs meet Emily for some fun park time. This park is perfect, the dogs behave perfectly and she could imagine Ricki picking perfect
weeds flowers from this perfect field.
perfect boring picnic date later, it’s time to meet the parents.
Side note: Did you all experience the massive SE we did when Sean’s tongue escapes from his mouth and into Emily’s during that seriously SLOW kiss? Drew hide under the blanket while my body tried to fight the urge to just shut down. GROSS. But really, how weird are tongues? And how weird is it that they touch other tongues when kissing? It’s like a weird alien probing another person. I get the heebs just thinking about it.
We’re at Sean’s perfect parents house (which is pretty sweet) with his perfect family. We meet his niece and nephew, Kensington & Smith Attorneys at Law. Not gonna hate though, Kensington’s cottage was pretty nice. I’d move into that place for sure.
Emily’s ready to move in when Sean says he has some news to break. Ruh roh.
“I’m nervous…” Sean says as his family bows their head in shame. “I still live here.” Emily’s all “What the What” while trying to act calm and not run the F out there. I’m experiencing some insane secondary embarrassment at this point.
It only gets worse when Sean escorts Emily upstairs to show her the living quarters. Stuffed animals, crumbs and clothes are everywhere and I imagine Emily is having the most extreme panic attack.
“I’m kind of a mess. I wish my mom had picked things up,” Sean says to which Emily replies, “It’s okay… I can clean.”
Just before she turns and sprints back to Charlotte (and before I jump behind my couch to hide under it for the forseeable future), Sean’s all “GOTCHA!”
“Ha ha” Sean says, “you all thought I wasn’t perfect but I totally am.”
Post joke it’s all fun and family time and Emily clearly digs it. I’d try to be snarky but his family seems genuinely nice and I’m beginning to get on the perfect train (as long as I don’t think about the kissing).
When it’s time to head out, one tongue probe isn’t enough and Sean chases down her fleet of black SUV’s to steal one more open mouth kiss for the road.
Malibu Barbie is in the house ready to narrow down her Ken’s to three. (Sean’s got this one in the bag.)
After a fireside chat with our dude CH, it’s time to choose.
Who will be the one to go? My prediction – Chris.
Roses go to…
Down to Sean & Chris. Totes Chris going home.
Little baby Chris is going home, just like his sister predicted/told Emily to do. He’s a big ball of nervous nodding and shaking. A couple bro hugs and then it’s time for the awkward walk out.
Emily takes Chris on his walk of shame, while the remaining three dudes stare at each other, attempting not to punch each other for kissing “my girl.”
Emily should be glad she let this ship sail because Chris has a serious temper. “I’m honestly shocked,” he says as he stares her down, fighting the urge to choke her. No but really, he is kind of scary aggressive. He grills Emily who does that weird nervous tick thing where she runs her tongue over her teeth.
Production escorts Chris away while Emily returns to her remaining suitors.
“She made me a believer again… in falling in love.” Chris opines. “I loved the girl and I thought she loved me back.” Sorry Charlie.
This is all juxtaposed with the remaining crew doing a big ole toast to chasing love in Curacao. Hey, you may not get the girl but you’ll get one more trip!
Back to Angry Chris who I’m hoping is the newest addition to Bachelor Pad. That temper will be gold on that show!
What did you think about this week’s episode? Are you disappointed that my writing skills have deteriorated under the boredom of Emily Maynard? Who is your favorite? How excited are you for Bachelor Pad?
Until next time… stay tuned!