And we’re back. From the previews, it looks like The Bachelorette may be about to get her groove back. Tongue kissing, cheesy dates, narcissistic dudes, man fights, competitions, douche bags. I like where we’re heading but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Disappointment is the worst.
But before we can get there, CH is at the MANsion in one of Brad’s hand me down plaids (p.s. – why are there so many buttons on that shirt?). It’s rule time (c’mon are the guys so dense that they don’t get what’s going to happen each week. Or worse, is it for us? Oh lord). Blah, blah blah… individual, group and wait… what…. two on one you say? So soon? I need to mentally prepare.
There’s no time for that though, we’re packing up this little abode we snagged for you all to live in. Yeah, yeah, yeah we were only here for like 3 weeks but it’s world tour time. Let’s go to Bermuda (the closest Caribbean island to North Carolina). Bro-Fives for everyone!
If you thought little Ricky wasn’t coming on tour, you are sadly mistaken. Ricky is there ready to soak up the sun and judge dudes by Mama’s side. Emily is hype to be in Bermuda since it’s just like her, “pink and cute.” Here’s hoping next time she’s there she’s with her husband and “pregnant pushing a baby stroller.” C’mon Em, It’s time to chill on the baby talk. At least give it a couple more episodes.
We cut out just in time to catch the gang of douchebags invade Bermuda on scooters ready to start a war for love. After pillaging the local CVS of all its hair gel, it’s date card time.
“Doug, Let Our Senses Lead the Way.”
It’s going to be a parents day out on the islands. BOR-ING. (I can say that, I’m a parent. I’m not trying to watch people do the same lame things I do on vacation. I’m trying to watch people do extreme sports while pretending to fall in love.) Doug does some standard boasting while Alejandro reminds us that he didn’t get kicked off last week (it’s hard to tell).
While Doug talks about how great it is to be a Dad, Arie is hoping that Doug is first of the bicep buddies to take a hike, “Let’s disband the football team.” Oh Arie.
Here’s where things get fun. So Doug has played the whole great guy thing to a tee but the guys aren’t buying it and know exactly how to push his buttons. I love it. Doug doesn’t. So he proves he’s a real man by getting bleeped a good 10 times in a row. You did it Doug!
Side note: Cheers to the producers for included the roast of Doug. Loved it. Also, how many v-neck tees were in that room?
Before the date, Arie sneaks in one last dig on Doug (even if it is off-camera), “Doug is like The Hulk. Doug Angry. Doug Smash. Doug Sad.” Love love love it.
I don’t love how much Emily gushes on Doug, he’s just “so nice and so good looking.” And so boring. He’s like Brad 2.0.
Despite that, Emily says there’s no one she’d rather spend the day with. Doesn’t she say that about everyone on every date?
But then the date starts and I understand why she’d want to spend this day with Doug… it’s boring. They buy tchotchke at a local shop, they make perfume, they hang with the locals. Before heading home for a movie and falling asleep on the couch by 9:30, they stop to send a post card to Austin. Oh and hear Doug talk about being a dad and being awesome and loving the world. Umm hmm, he started his own charity. That happened. “Of course you did,” says Emily and I thank her for saying exactly what I was thinking.
Back to the postcard though, “What kid doesn’t want a postcard from his dad…” and the chick he went on TV to pursue and compete against 20 other dudes to win her love. So sweet.
Oh and one more thing, I forgot to mention Doug confiding about the incident with the guys earlier. Notice, I said GUYS.
Doug tells Emily she walked in after, ” I had just scolded all the boys.” Really Doug? The boys? Give me a break. They’re not your kids (well, other than Alejandro).
After sending Austin their love, they take a stroll through the moon gate. According to Emily, the moon gate “is where married people and like people on their honeymoon and like people in love walk through and like make a wish about love.” Beautiful.
Emily’s wish: “To not be single forever.”
Doug’s wish: “To find a tee-shirt that fits.”
Back with the Bros, it’s time to find out who gets the group date and who’s left for the 2-on-1 option.
Emily picks all the standards and leaves the scraps for the elimi-date. Alejandro, Nate (who?), John and um… someone else are left.
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be heading out on the high seas with Emily.
Before we get to the dinner portion of our date, does anyone else think Doug looks like this dog?
Oh I know, the dog is more interesting and has WAY more personality. But on looks alone – twins right?
So it’s dinner time and and Doug confesses that he loved sending a postcard to Austin. The only bummer is that Doug will be back at home when Austin receives it.
Emily decides to get down to business and lets Doug know she’s not buying the whole great guy act. So “what would your ex-girlfriends say about you?” Here’s where you’ll want to reach through your TV and smack him. His answers, “that I spent too much time with my son” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” SERIOUSLY? Get real.
Emily isn’t buying it until the tables are turned and her response (get ready again) “I’m sensitive, stubborn” and I do this really annoying thing with my mouth (okay, I added that). Oh yeah and she “doesn’t work out and wears PJ’s in public.” BLECH.
Here, let me try. I’m bossy, dismissive, rude, sarcastic, obnoxious…” should I go on?
Some more blah blahs and then it’s supposed to be kissing time but Doug gets all neeeerviious and can’t go through with the deed. Clearly he hasn’t kissed a girl since knocking up his baby momma. Emily clearly is annoyed and sits there waiting for Doug to use his overly pink lips to plant an open mouth smooch. But good ole Doug uses his grand pappy’s reasonin’ and decides Emily will let him know if she wants a kiss. Lame.
Before we dive into this date can we talk about what the guys are wearing? Is there is a stylist that is providing them with a uniform that consists of prepypy shorts, hoody or fisherman sweater over a henley (sweater optional on dudes with giant biceps) and Toms? So So So many Toms. (It’s for the kids.)
It’s sailing time boys. After a quick lesson (“it’s called a boom cause when it hits you it goes boom.” Ah, I wish. A girl can dream), it’s time to compete. I think it’s well known that I LOVE a competition date – although admittedly it’s better when the girls compete since they’re all craaaa-zy.
Before we can get down to action though, it’s time to find out who’s got the date of doom. (p.s. – Why is Doug’s mouth always so red? It’s like he always just finished a popsicle. Okay, okay – it’s cause he wears lipstick.)
Two on One Date Card time. It’s John “The Wolf” and Nate - “Let’s explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.”
So the guys split up and it’s the Muscles (Chris, Charlie, Travis, Sean) vs. The Little Misses (Kalon, Jef, Ryan, Arie).
Side note: Doesn’t Travis look like one of the guys in Rascal Flatts?
Race Summary: Muscles heads out to an early start, they get over confident and the little ladies come up from behind and seal the win.
No drama and no craziness make me a little sad. Oh well, at least we get to see the muscles hang their head in defeat on the short bus back to the hotel.
It’s Party Time and once again, the guys are all dressing from the same suitcase.
The always humble Ryan shares his thoughts thinking that we care, ”I’m athletic, I’m good looking and I’m a catch.” You’re also a douche Ryan. But that’s neither here nor there especially when the rest of the guys are heading back to the hotel – filled with shame and regret. So much so that Charlie is crying. C’mon buddy. There’s no crying (for dudes) on The Bachelorette (ha ha, yeah right. Who am i kidding? There’s so much crying for dudes).
Here’s a run down of the after party.
After Ryan toasts to Emily – “his future trophy wife” (don’t even get me started) – she heads off for some alone time with Arie. Up until this VERY moment, Arie was my favorite but after this exchange he may be a leeeetle too feminine for my liking. Maybe he just gets caught up in the cheesiness. I’ll give him a pass this one time.
Next up is Jef. Emily packs up her slanket and heads to Jef’s corner of the beach. He composes a hit pop tune and sings it to her by the bonfire. Ah, I wish. Instead his hair blows manically in the wind. Clealy Jef got the bottom of the barrel afterthe CVS hair gel raid. Seriously, someone get him some styling putty STAT.
Despite the ‘do and the fact that he looks like a 9-year-old boy, Emily is smitten. (WHY WHY WHY?) So smitten that she is all bummed out when he doesn’t go in for the kiss (and spoil his first kiss with a real girl while his hair is messy – NEVER!).
Back inside, Ryan is combing his hair, reciting motivational quotes and looking at himself in the mirror. WOOF. He takes a break from his busy self-adulation schedule to sit down with Emily where he repeats ad nauseum, “We’d have pretty children.” Seriously, someone please just put him (and us) out of our misery.
Other notable lines, “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” and anything to do with her post-baby weight. The only thing positive about Ryan is that he brings out Emily’s sassy southern side which we get to see after his scolding about kissing Arie. Even Emily knows this is whack and is all “Woah woah woah Judgy MdJudgerson – slow your roll.” (Okay maybe she said it a little differently but you get the point.)
Side note: Is Kalon even on this date? I think he was too busy knitting fisherman sweaters to spend time with Emily.
The group date rose once again goes to Jef and what does the little boy get as a reward? Well a fireworks show of course!
Total Elimination Challenge. The Two on One. The Wolf vs. The CPA
After a quick swim with Ricky, Emily is ready for the worst date of her life. “It makes me really sad that one of these guys is going to get lost at sea.” It makes me really sad to think about the secondary embarrassment I’m about to endure. Especially since this date will involve a boat. The most cruel form of break-up transportation.
This date goes by quick (I think they were trying to spare us). They head off an a yacht to an island where they partake in a little ocean fun before cruising back for dinner in a cave (yes, you read that right and yes, this seems like an exact replica of a date on Brad’s season). All three of them continuously talk about how much fun when we all know that on the inside their soul is slowly dying.
Dinner kicks off with a toast to ” a great night.” LIES!
Only to be followed up with what may go down as the most uncomfortable comment in Bachelorette history, “Is that Quinoa?” Yes, Nate it is Quinoa. I know you’re hunting for things to talk about but really quinoa? This conversation lasts entirely too long since by the time it’s over I’m hiding inside my son’s toy box asking if it’s safe to come out.
They split up for individual talks and despite Nate’s tears, he doesn’t get the rose. That goes to the Wolf Man John who is surprisingly normal, mildly charming and pretty good looking. New favorite perhaps?
Nate lingers slightly too long at the table before Emily gives him the boot. He rides off on the dinghy of shame back to wherever he came from. Nate – you left with dignity and I respect that. I’ll even overlook the last minute tears effort.
We don’t get anymore footage of the date so it appears John has been abandoned in a cave. At least he has three full meals to get him through the night.
Ricky, Will you accept this rose?
I’m going to go off topic for a second and humor my ADD train of thought. So do you think Ricky’s pals and her play “Bachelorette” at sleep overs? Maybe like with their teddy bears or dolls or whatever they play with? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking that Ricky ALWAYS gets to be The Bachelorette.
It looks like the Mommy & Me hang out pre-rose ceremony is now a weekly tradition. I like it. Once Ricky masters the blue spelling list, Momma Bear is out to conquer her list.
It’s party time which has me wishing they’d turn off Ryan’s mic. I mean really – haven’t we heard enough of him already? He is seriously destined for Bachelor Pad. No more, no less. (And ps – I wrote this before Ryan’s little revelation.)
Emily’s ready to spice things up and by spice things up, I mean wear a jump suit.
First up – Ale(jandro not ssandro – that gypsy is long gone). Ale’s a little too young for Emily. Despite that (and his large diamond earring), he seems genuine and sufficiently charming. Here’s hoping he gets to hang around another week instead of some of these fools.
And then I see it. WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH JEF. Are you serious with those socks? Why are you dressed for your kindergarden school picture? I mean, really? I can’t even put words around this outfit. If he didn’t already have a rose, he should have been dismissed site on scene (and we thought Kalon was bad).
I’m still reeling from Jef’s tall socks when Ryan’s aura of douche fills the room. Thankfully the guys seem to hate him as much as we do and they send Arie in to bust things up! Arie rescues us from Ryan’s attempts to use three-syllable words correctly and annoyingly spiked up hair.
ABC and the producers are also clearly happy to be rescued since they cue up the romantic, fun tunes and fade out the scary, awkward, weird tunes.But before we’re clear, Ryan sneaks in one last obnoxious comment told to the mute with the ponytail, “I see a lot of potential with Emily but I honestly feel like I’m called to something bigger.” Oh and by bigger, he means The Bachelor. Come on brah, you aint no Bachelor. You are straight up Bachelor Pad. No ifs, ands or buts (not butts) about it.
Side note: If you had been drinking every time Ryan gave himself a compliment, you would be on your way to the ER right now.
Is this guy for real? He’s so awful that I ALMOST forgot about Jef’s awful socks. But really. I cannot stand him and WILL NOT watch him on the BAchelor. Now Bachelor Pad – he’ll be magical on that.
The rest of the night includes Sean being cute and charming. Daddy Daycare & Chris getting into a ridiculously stupid fight where for once I am on Doug’s side (Chris Buddy – you’re just trying too hard) and a sit down with CH.
Chrissy Hare is a probing into the details, trying to find out if Emily will really find true love this time around (doubtful). Even he knows that this group of guys are meh at best.
Bored bored bored until she says she’s on to Ryan’s games (so you’re saying there’s a chance!) and then it’s rose time.
Okay, side note: Was this episode REALLY long or was it just me?
Doug, Jef and John the Wolf have roses.
7 Roses, 2 Guys Going Home.
- Ryan – BOOOOOO.
- Kalon – Double Boo.
WOAH WOAH WOAH. I definitely thought that one was going to Charlie.
Yowzer. One muscle man is gone and Emily gets rid of the only other person on the show with a pony tail. Michael – we hardly knew ye.
Aw Charlie’s crying in the rain. Poor Charlie.
But enough of that, cheers guys we’re going to London! I for one am excited about all the fancy trench coats Emily’s going to be wearing.
Previews for next week look good! Which basically means that Emily gets real with one of the guys! My wish – Ryan. More obvious choice – Kalon or Chris maybe.
What did you all think of this episode? Too little Harrison right?