Monthly Archives: June 2012

Locking Down Love. – The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 7 Recap Part I

And we’re back. So last week I was rejuvenated by a healthy dose of SE and the promise of drama. And last night, I was disappointed. What has happened to the franchise standards? You know helicopters, hot tubs, spa dates or really just dates where they do something other than walking around the city of the week. I feel like the producers have thrown in the towel with Emily too and are just biding their time until Bachelor Pad (lord knows that’s what I’d be doing).

So anyways, it’s time for the intro montage. From the looks of it, Prague will be filled with lots of site-seeing and kissing. LOTS AND LOTS of Kissing. Kissing on boats, kissing on trains, kissing in alleys, kissing in castles, kissing in dungeons, kissing in libraries. So. Much. Kissing.

It appears Emily is making up for lost time and making a strong effort to kiss everything that walks in front of her. Locals – you’ve been warned.

Oh and in between the kissing, Chris will have a nervous breakdown. Get excited!

As Emily strolls through the city, mindlessly wandering/getting a crash course in Prague history that she’ll use on the date, she tells us how jazzed she is to be there. “I’m so happy to be in Prague… I feel like I’m back in the olden days.” Yeah Emily, it’s called Europe.

After staring off into every open body of water in proximity of Prague, Emily is ready to get going especially since “I’ve got the best group of guys EVER.” I know that the hyperbole is contagious but really? Ever? I would disagree just based on the fact that Roberto has been on this show and we all know he was the best ever. (Okay, maybe just me but lay off me!)

CH greets the dudes who have all raided the local American Apparel to craft the perfect uniform of v-neck tees (this year’s plaid shirt), slightly skinny jeans (or very skinny khakis in Jef’s case) and Tom’s. Since they all still don’t understand the concept of the show – CH breaks it down for them. Four Dates. Three one-on-ones, one group date. Four Roses. Go!

After doing the required fawning over their sponsored hotel suite, the guys settle down for, what else, a chat about Emily. This basically begins Chris’  melt-down. (p.s. – does Chris constantly have a sinus infection. Every time he talks I just want to hand him a tissue and tell him to blow his nose.) With each date card, we’ll see him slip slowly away from reality. I’m hoping we also see him slip away from our television screens.

First up….

Arie – “Let’s Czech out Prague together.”

Once he finds out he’s going out with Emily, Arie bolts up and heads off to “get ready.” This means dig out his favorite leather jacket and strategically mess up his hair. Once it’s perfectly shaggy, he heads out to meet Emily who has shown up in their room, guide-book in hand.

It’s date time and surprise, they’re going to wander through the city. BOR-ING. Clearly Emily knows this will be a snooze fest since she’s worn her favorite sequin pajama shorts. Oh, and boots. Cause a girl’s gotta be prepared.

This is all you need to know.

Anyways, the date is basically just them walking around while Arie throws out cheesy line after cheesy line (“You are SO beautiful.”) while palming her face. But before the seriously sloppy tongue kissing can begin, Emily takes Arie to some statue where he has to feel up a bronze lady and pet a dog for love and loyalty, respectively. Side note: Did you all notice how long it took Emily to read the description from the guide book. She got totally stuck on “Loyalty” and had to sound it out like it was one of Ricky’s spelling words. This is where Emily decides she’s going to get real with Arie.

We find out (because CH tells us so from back at the mansion in LA – How did he get there so fast!?!Side note, couldn’t they have filmed this inside or any other time than high noon? CH is doing some SERIOUS squinting.) that Arie used to date one of the producers (who’s a little woofy if you ask me) like 10 years ago. Well Emily is miffed that her top boy never mentioned it to her. So mindless stupid drama ensues but of course, the best part is off camera. What the what ABC? Isn’t it the whole premise of this show to film EVERYTHING? How did they miss that convo?

Anyways, Emily decides it’s no big deal and it’s on the wet kissing portion of the date.

The two forgo dinner (on some sort of shipping boat) and instead head up to the roof to snuggle and open mouth kiss. I know a ton of you love Arie (and I did too at first) but I just can’t stand him anymore. Mostly because everything he says gives me the heebie jeebies. I also get some serious SE every time they kiss when he puts a death grip on Emily’s face. Hey Arie, her head is not going anywhere. Loosen up your hold on her face puh-lease.

Bro Break: Back in the room, the guys sit around and think of ways to drive Chris crazy. So obviously, the talk turns to the importance of one-on-one dates and how you’ll never get one Chris (As I write this all I can hear in my head is the En Vogue Song “Nevah gonna get it, nevah gonna get it!”). And just like that, the date card is left on the mysterious coffee table outside their room. (Can’t they just leave it on the floor?)

Chris sits on the edge of sanity waiting to hear if this date will be his (Mine! All Mine!)…. John, In Prague all you need is love.

And just like that, a little piece of Chris’ soul died.

Back on the date, someone has put a mic inside one of their mouths because the noise coming from these kisses is so loud and so sloppy that I am literally using my computer as a shield to keep from seeing it. Unfortunately, my ears weren’t so lucky.

And then it happens. The moment we’ve been dreading all season. You know what I’m talking about. The first L-Bomb dropped. “Can I tell you something?” (PLEASE NO!) “I’ve been thinking a lot about this and somewhere in between Croatia… No it was in Croatia. I think I realized that I love you.” AHHHHHHH NO NO NO NO. You just met this girl like 5 weeks ago. And during that time, she’s been dating at least 10 other dudes. Kissing at least 8 of them. Get a hold of yourself.

Then Arie tells her “I just want you to know where my heart is,” while placing her hand near his nether region. You know, cause it’s really down there. Is it time for fantasy suites yet?

More face grabbing and smooching before the BIG surprise. Yup, Fireworks. They have been using the hell out of fireworks this season and if they think some giant sparklers are a substitute for helicopters and swim suit photo shoots, they are sadly mistaken.

“I feel like I’m on top of the world.” Emily says as I yell “Nope, you’re on top of a boat” at the screen.

John – In Prague, all you need is love.

A WOOOOOOO Wolf Time. (Sorry, that was cheesy. I just couldn’t go the entire season without making a wolf noise through letters.) She ain’t digging him. Date Destruction Specialist.

The real title of this date should be “All you need is another love.” because it’s clear from the get go that these two are not a match.

The first stop on another stroll about town date, is the Lennon wall. So in true reality TV fashion, there is a painting station already set up for them. They decide to paint a boat to signify how e their love is a sinking ship. Once that child’s task is complete, it’s on to another place where Emily can evaluate the validity of their relationship through superstition. They saddle up to a fence full of locks. It’s sad (by who, I don’t know) that adding your lock is a lucky love charm (or something like that). They use the world’s biggest marker to write a note on the smallest lock.

Since the workings of  inanimate objects is how Emily determines whether to continue a relationship, this is an important step. This lock is a symbol of their relationship and won’t click. So based on this one mishap Emily knows they are doomed. Instead of letting him go right then and there (the lock made her!), she decides to see what’s being served for dinner.

But I thought I had this on lock. (ABC/NICK RAY)

And the meltdown continues… back at the hotel Chris is wallowing in despair. “Arie went on a date. John is on a date…” Well Chris, this is a dating show. That’s what happens. I watch the tears and frustration welling up in his eyes as Drew hides under a blanket, praying (out loud) for the madness to end. Ah my friend, it is just beginning (i say creepily to my husband).

The dinner portion of the date is in a dungeon. Yes, another symbol of their relationship. It is doomed to rot slowly in the dark and will hopefully be locked down here, never to see the light of day again. John (who I surprisingly kind of like) continues to show absolutely no emotion and talks in his robotic Data Destruction voice. His words seem to be pre-programmed by his master back in the states (my guess is it’s CH), they sound okay but lack any sincerity or true emotion.

So I just have to keep up this act for another day or so right? (ABC/NICK RAY)

Wolf man shares some more emotions, talks about how he’s a closer (PROVE IT) and then goes in for the least romantic kiss of the season (so far… the best is still to come though). Emily doesn’t totally hate it since she’s loving getting her open-mouth kiss on while Ricky’s away.

The date ends and I give a sigh of relief. We’ve made it half way through the show.

I’m going to break this post into two parts. Not because it’s so long or because I have so much material but because I am bored. Bored to death with this season. For some reason I am totally unmotivated to write about Emily and her sparkly clothes, use of the word ya’ll and her innate ability to kiss a ton of guys while still seeming unslutty.

I’ll be back later to close this one out. If any of you would like to take a stab at the second part though, I’d love someone to guest post the rest of this bia.

p.s. – sorry for how crap this recap is. I need some bachelor pad in my life. STAT.

Until part deux… stay tuned.

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“An Act of Bravery” or How I Survived The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 6

First off, I have to apologize about my one week hiatus. For some reason I’m having trouble with this season. I definitely LIKE this season more than the past two but the secondary embarrassment just doesn’t seem to flow as easily. Emily is just a little too aware that she’s on television. That coupled with the lack of hot tubs, helicopters and rappelling has led to a somewhat luke warm season. I’m definitely enjoying it but it’s not the embarrassment of riches it’s been in the past.

But enough with the excuses. It’s Bachelorette time and I’m back in the game.

Just move a little to the right Ryan. Yup, that’s perfect.

It’s montage time, you know, just in case this is your first time watching this show (does that happen anymore, do people just now start getting into The Bachelorette/Bachelor?). The past few weeks have been full of muscles, sparse tongue kissing and lots of under the blanket cuddles. But now it’s time to get serious. Which on this show means that the remaining 8 guys all confess that they are, indeed, falling in love with Emily. Well, all of them except Ryan. He’s way too busy falling in love with himself.

As Emily walks the streets of Croatia, we learn that little Ricky has finally headed back to the states. We’ll miss her but I proclaim out loud “Behold! The return of the hot tub is nigh!” (sorry that was weird, I’ve been reading WAY too much Game of Thrones lately.)

The guys sail in to Croatia which means we miss out on any of their boisterous home made travel videos (Awwwww Maaaannnn!). And right on cue, we cut to Jef saying, “Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love.” Now I know I harp on this every season, but REALLY? He had to be reading off cue cards right? I mean, at least 3 people say that every season about (insert random locale here). I let it slide for Bali, Tahiti and Paris but Croatia REALLY? It appears that for contestants of this show, the dumpster behind the Piggly Wiggly would also be a perfect place to fall in love. You know, as long as a production crew is following them around.

I finally take a deep breath in time to see Emily walk in to their swanky apartment. Em’s in the house to deliver the date card and the excitement among the bros is palpable.

All that excitement just to find out the date card goes to…. Travis (aka this guy from Rascal Flatts).

I dare you to tell me they’re not brothers.

As Travis throws on his cleanest plaid button down (hopefully no snaps), Emily tells us that she is super excited to go on a date with Travis. That has got to be a lie. I’m thinking she’s using this as a day to do some sightseeing and pick up some souvenirs for the Ricky, the babysitter and the Hendricks family before sending Travis home before dinner.

But Travis has no clue and is as excited as ever. “We’re going to have a GREAT day!” he proclaims as I cringe at the thought of what’s to come.

Southern Fish out of Water Ya’ll aka I forgot what the date card said.

It’s time to follow these two southerners “ya’ll” their way through Croatia. Travis thinks this date is going to be great especially because he and Emily have so much in common. (Sorry I have to do this again…) Really Travis? Name one thing you have in common. Okay you’re both from south of the Mason-Dixon line. Name one more. Okay okay, you’re both blonde. Name another. That’s fine, I’ll wait.

By the time I’ve focused back on the screen, Emily has devised some faux-cultural scheme aimed at getting Travis to take off his shirt and show us what’s lurking beneath that plaid. It’s a wall where you’re supposed to hold yourself up while taking off your shirt. (That’s gotta be fake, right?) Travis gives it the old college try except he doesn’t. He stands up there and then doesn’t even attempt to unsnap his shirt.

Emily is kinda miffed and I understand. We all really wanted to know if there was a six-pack or a pair of pepperoni nipples under there. I guess we’ll never know.

Back at the hotel-motel (side note, that place looks Real Nice!), the guys sit around and talk about Travis. I’m not listening but rather trying to figure out what Ryan is wearing. Is that a wife-beater worn the wrong way? Why is it shaped like that? Anyways… this whole break is just another chance for the producers to show America how supreme a douche Ryan really is. I’m thinking they asked him to wear the tank top like that. And if so… well played, Mike Fleiss. Well played.

What am I wearing? (Image: BuddyTv)

And we’re back in the friend zone. After picking up some trinkets for all her friends and family (including her new bestie Dolly Parton), Emily and Travis sit down for a “romantic” dinner. I put romantic in quotes because this is about the least romantic dinner I’ve ever seen. And I’ve watched a lot of this show.

Travis spills the beans about going into seclusion since he broke off his engagement two years ago. Yes, for the past two years he’s stayed in, played video games, ordered pizza and gelled his hair…. alone. This kinda freaks Emers out and I echo her thoughts when she says, “TRAAAAAAAAA VIIIIS!?!?!?” (I echo those thoughts even though I have no idea what they mean. Just go with it.)

Before the heartbreak sits in (p.s. – you think he’ll call up his Rascal Flatts bro and give him some  thoughts for a new break up tune? Could be a hit.) we’re back with the bros, ready to find out who’s going on the group date and which lucky dude gets some solo time with their chick. John, Doug, Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie will find out that dating requires bravery. This means that we’re all doomed to at losing at least 20 minutes of our lives watching Ryan parade his douchebaggery around national television.

Back at dinner, it’s rose time. Emily does that horrible thing where she picks up the rose, spends a full minute telling the guy how great they are before dropping the biggest BUT. I cringe and hide behind my laptop as Travis’ face goes from excitement and hope to disappointment and sorrow. Emily tells him they just can’t escape the dreaded friend zone and that she’ll give him a call next time she’s in Charlotte so they can get together and drink some Cheerwine while catching up on NASCAR action.

(Hey Travis, look on the bright side. You may be able to get in good with Wendy or her sassy Indian friend if you can stay besties.)

Sorry Travis can’t keep it together and kind of falls apart when the producers ask all those prodding questions about “finding love” and “being worth it.” Don’t cry Travis. No seriously, don’t cry. It makes you look weird.

And just like that, it’s Group Date time!

Dating Requires Bravery with John, Jef, Chris, Sean, Doug and Arie.

So I’d almost forgotten about the ole movie date. You know the one. It’s when they do the biggest blatant cross-promotion and pan it off as a date. This time it’s Disney Pixar’s newest film Bravery. And how appropriate that we get a kiddie movie for Emily’s season.  Not like that Anna Faris movie, where she played a slut trying to find all the guys she’d slept with before, that we got to watch on Brad’s (or was it Ben’s) season.

The guys suffer through the movie by insulting each other and giving one another nougie’s while Emily gazes longingly into the screen, wishing she were just as brave as the animated red-head.

The lights go up and it’s time for the challenge portion of the date (you may remember on Brad’s season this was usually who could get their body into their bikini and their tongue into his throat fastest). The guys will be competing in the Highland challenge. Basically, they have to dress up and do some random tasks…. I Like it!

Just to make them feel even more out-of-place, they give them some skirts and make them ride donkeys. Gah, I love this show.

This date is basically a chance for us to see who is the strongest. Also who has the best legs (Jef, duh). Oh and who is the best at riding a donkey (my money’s on Chris).

Hey Guys! I want to play in the starring contest toooooo!!!!

The challenges are archery, throwing this giant log and an old-fashioned (no really, like medieval times) tug-o-war. Sean (obviously) kills it at everything. The rest of the guys range from good to meh (Doug – good, John & Arie – so so, Jef – meh) and then there’s Chris. Well, he is HORRIBLE. Like embarrassingly, can’t watch miserable. When he totally missed the target on archery I hide under my blanket for a full minute. IT. WAS. BAD.

Luckily for him, Emily finds his lack of skill, talent or muscle power endearing and gives him the Bravery cup. To which the rest of the guys respond in unison, “Say WHAAAA?” Emily spews more lies when she says, “I don’t care about big muscles.” Yeah, that is just not true.

Either way, Sean knows that the cup is just for bravery and not for sheer muscle mass and strength cause he would have had that in spades. I mean, he broke that giant log. And Emily couldn’t even hide that she was digging it. “It was impressive.” She says smirking while sipping on her hot toddy.

After the Highland Cup it’s the after-party and after the party it’s the hotel lobby… sorry, I got a little carried away there.

So it’s time for the group to get all liquored up and ready to tongue kiss and cuddle (with Emily… not with each other. I’m looking at you Jef.)

Sean’s up first and I half wish he’d just pick her up and carry her to prove (once again) how freaking strong he is. Huge bummer when he doesn’t and instead just waxes poetic about how much he likes her. She tells him that he has nothing to worry about and they open-mouth kiss. Boring.

Next up is Jef aka this season’s Ames (i haven’t forgotten you buddy). I want to dislike Jef but I can’t. Probably because in my head, I consider him an 8-year-old boy. Despite the hair, the overly sensitive tone of voice and his inexplicable style, I don’t dislike him. At the very least, he’s different from the rest of the lookalikes left on the show.They snuggle and Emily gives him a hard time for not kissing him sooner (it was his FIRST KISS – give the kid a break!). End scene.

It’s on to Arie who I used to love but now rubs me the wrong way. There’s just something about him that gives me the heebie jeebies. So imagine the insanely awful secondary embarrassment I had when he slams her up against the wall and tongue kisses her (oh gah, just writing it and thinking about the slurping sounds makes me want to crawl under my desk) with the loudest slurping sounds ever. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” I actually yell at the TV as my skin crawls.

I know some of you probably love Arie but I had a distinct turning point a couple of weeks ago and there’s just something off there. I can’t deal.

Back at the crib, Ryan sits around complementing himself and plucking his toe hairs. He’s interrupted from his 3-hour pre-bed routine when the date card arrives. Unfortunately for all of us, we don’t immediately return to teh group date but instead are forced to watch Ryan utter this phrase out loud, “I wake up each day, look in the mirror and say to myself – who do you want to be today.” Kill me now.

Last but certainly not least (well yes, least in terms of muscle mass) is Chris. Chris is a SE smorgasbord. The combo of his mannerisms, words and awkward facial expressions make me want to crawl into the one-inch space between my couch and the floor. This awfulness once again wins Emily over and she leaps up to grab the rose for him. (WHAAAT???? I yell from the crawl space.)

The dudes share my bewilderment and just like that, we’re done here.

Ryan – The world is our oyster.

So here’s the deal friends. This part is going to be short. I cannot stand Ryan. Not in the way I can’t stand how embarrassing some of these guys are but in the way that I would consider hitting him if he walked in front of me in the cross walk (kidding, guys I swear).

Emily shows up and plops down on the couch next to Ryan. This is where the two share a painfully awkward conversation while the guys watch (and judge). S**t gets awkward quick.

When they finally get up to leave, the guys share the painful SE they all just experienced. For once, I feel like I have something in common with these bros. “My skin was crawling” says Wolfman. You and me both buddy. You and me both.

So we’re on the date and from the looks of it, it appears that Emily dislikes Ryan as much as every other living human does (well, except for Ryan himself).

These two crazy kids head off on a road trip with Ryan behind the wheel. I cannot contain my amusement as EVERY SINGLE CAR honks and gives Ryan the finger (okay, maybe I made up that last part. Wishful thinking.) By the time they make it to the fishing boat, Ryan has already said the words “Trophy Wife” at least two times. If you drank every time you heard it on this date, it would have been hard to crawl out of bed this morning.

They head off on the sea for some oysters and Ryan says some more insulting and condescending things to Emily while simultaneously complementing himself at every opportunity. I contemplate fast-forwarding just to get through this awfulness.

Instead I sit through it and wonder out loud why Ryan shaves his beard like that. Oh yeah, and I didn’t mention it earlier but the dudes informed us that he also shaves his legs, arms and ear hair every day. BLECH.

More trophy wife talk with this line, “She is definitely going to be someone’s trophy wife and I’m pretty sure I have a good shot at it being mine.” Why oh Why did she not push him overboard?

Now it’s time for the dinner portion. If you thought it was going to be more of Ryan talking about himself, you’d be right. He even prepared a list of 12 things he’s looking for in a wife during his free time last night. On the list:  beautiful, a servant to her family (REALLY? REALLY? What year is this?), someone who catches his eye and a sexy personality.

Thankfully, when it comes time for the rose, Emily finally realizes that Ryan is the biggest schmuck and decides NOT to give him the rose. HALLELUJAH.

Our shouts of joy quickly turn to rage as Ryan will not get up and go wallow in his defeat. Instead, he gets a little defensive with Emily. Telling her “he’s shocked” and that she’s making a bad decision. Um, Ryan – this is single-handedly the best decision Emily has made all season. Get up and LEAVE NOW!

Once again, he remains and glares at her in the most awkward way possible, trying to force her to give him the rose. Isn’t there a Bachelorette Bouncer? You know some giant dude that can come and carry the guy off to his taxi so we don’t have to watch this shiz.

And just like that, the minute we’d all been waiting for is here. Ding dong the witch is dead! Ryan is gone. Clearly he’s shocked but this obviously opens up his schedule to be on Bachelor Pad where he will hook up with desperate girls and attempt (but fail miserably) to win $125K. “I’ve been blessed with many worldly gifts… ” Ryan says as American gives a collective eye roll. Save it for Bachelor Pad buddy.

When the guys back at the hotel see Ryan’s bag being pulled out the door, they erupt into cheers “HooRay!” and I can’t help but wish I was there to high-five them.

ZOOM OUT! ZOOM OUT! (Image: BuddyTv)

Before we can get to the rose ceremony though, Arie pulls a Courtney and surprises Emily with a visit. And by visit, I mean an opportunity to do some heavy petting without the other guys around. He blabbers on about caring about her feelings before going in for some loud, slurping kisses. I can’t bear to watch and instead talk with Drew about how awkward it must be for the camera man. You know it’s some 300 lb sweaty white guy with a headset being ordered to ‘ZOOM IN MORE.’ I can see his head shaking in disgust as he zooms in on their game of tonsil hockey. Okay, enough. I can’t even write about it anymore.

Moral of the story: Emily tells Arie he’s going to get a rose.

Rose Ceremony Time

It’s party time and Emily looks awesome. I think this may be my favorite of the dresses she’s worn (I know, I know, you don’t care).

Doug & the Wolf are on the chopping blocks so Emily settles in for some one-on-one time with them. Wolf shares the story of his grandparents love before shedding some baby tears which open up the way for him to move in for a kiss. Still not sure if he’ll hang around but a worthy effort on his part.

Next up is Doug. Doug Doug Doug. I wasn’t really prepared for all the crying. Truth be told, I zoned out when they were talking only to be brought back by the sound of his sobs.

There are no words to describe what happened, so instead I’ll let you watch. Be forewarned, it is BAD.

Dougy fresh misses his little boy BIG TIME. Like BIG TIME. I can understand that but maybe he should save those tears for some solo time in his hotel room. NOT NOT NOT in front of the cameras. Doug, one day your son will get older and his friends will discover You Tube and they’ll see this. Oh the embarrassment.

Back at the gathering, the dudes sit around and talk about how they’ve all tongue kissed the same girl… in the last five minutes.

And just like that it’s rose time.

Chris has a rose (BUMMER). The other roses go to…

  • Sean
  • Jef
  • Arie

and….wait what? Emily just up and leaves. She runs down CH and let’s him know that she’s having trouble. So wait, she’s not going to give the rose to either… NAH… gotcha! False drama.  She gives them both a rose!

Doug and Wolfman got to turn those serious frowns upside down. The entire group date gives a sigh of relief and we’re out!

p.s. Raise your hand if you thought wolf would still be here. Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

Next up is Prague. (You know, another perfect place to fall in love.) The previews look good though. It appears our boy Arie has been hiding something! Can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

What were your thoughts on last night’s episode? What do you think of Emily? Most importantly – How happy are you that Ryan is gone!?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Get Excited… Bachelor Pad Contestants Announced

Get excited friends. As meh as I’ve been about Emily’s season (sorry for the lack of recap this week), I’m always ALWAYS hype about Bachelor Pad. It appears that this seasons cast will not disappoint. I, for one, CAN’T WAIT.

So without further ado, here’s who will be providing nonstop secondary embarrassment this summer on Bachelor Pad:

 

Lindzi Cox

Occupation: Development Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Bellevue, WA

You Remember Her: From her cute clothes and for attempting to break up the evil reign of Courtney. Looks like she’ll be this season’s Tenley.

 

Blakely Jones

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Esthetician
Age: 34
Residence: Charlotte, NC

You Remember Her: As the stripper esthetician with a heart of gold. She also loves making scrap books. Blakely’s boobs and will to win (read: age) will attempt to take her far but just like her flamenco skills, will fall flat.

Sarah Newlon

 From: The Bachelor Season 11, Brad Womack
Occupation: Bar Manager
Age: 28
Residence: St. Louis, MO

You Remember Her: No you don’t.

Jamie Otis

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Registered Nurse
Age: 25
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As the sweet mom and nurse who you were rooting for but knew had no change. Let’s hope little momma can win some money (you know how well people do when it’s for the kids).

Jaclyn Swartz

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Account Manager
Age: 27
Residence: Newton, MA

You Remember Her: As the girl with the big (sassy) mouth and the even bigger nose. This spitfire will do well (or horribly – who knows) on BP.

Erica Rose

From: The Bachelor Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese
Occupation: Law Student
Age: 29
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Her: She’s BACK! From Bachelor Pad 2 and her futile attempts to ruin Vienna. Erica will now be a veteran and will be ready to play the game in hopes of furthering her 15 minutes of fame.

Rachel Trueheart

From: The Bachelor Season 16, Ben Flajnik
Occupation: Executive Assistant
Age: 27
Residence: New York, NY

You Remember Her: As being my favorite during Ben’s season and for taking down Blakely in the 2-on-1 date. She’ll charm everyone with her cuteness and will no doubt, rock the best clothes.

Ryan Hoag

From: The Bachelorette Season 4, DeAnna Pappas
Occupation: High School Dean/Former NFL Player
Age: 32
Residence: Minneapolis, MN

You Remember Him From: You may remember him but I have no idea who he is.

From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Realtor
Age: 33
Residence: Philadelphia, PA

You Remember Him From: Once again, I got nothing.

Kalon McMahon

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Luxury Brand Consultant
Age: 27
Residence: Houston, TX

You Remember Him: As that huge douche bag that just got kicked off Emily’s season for insulting her daughter. Likely this season’s Kasey Kahl – you’ll want to jump through your TV and punch him in his over sized lips for saying stupid stuff and wheeling around his Louis Vuitton luggage.

Nick Peterson

From: The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Herbert
Occupation: Trainer
Age: 27
Residence: Tampa, FL

You Remember Him: As one of the semi-normal guys on Ashley’s season. His flowing locks, winning smile and lack of serious drama leads me to believe he’ll team up with my totes fave Rachel.

Tony Pieper

From: The Bachelorette Season 8, Emily Maynard
Occupation: Lumber Trader
Age: 30
Residence: Portland, OR

You Remember Him: As the guy with the Kermit-voice that couldn’t bare to be away from his little guy (you know the Batman to his Robin) to kick it with Emily. I see him teaming up with the mama RN Jamie for a parental double whammy.

Michael Stagliano

 From: The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris, Bachelor Pad 2
Occupation: Entrepreneur
Age: 27
Residence: Sherman Oaks, CA

You Remember Him: As the guy that already won this show. What the What? Why is Stag getting to come back. Consider me not happy for the return of sweater vests, crying and man capri’s.

Ed Swiderski

From: The Bachelorette Season 5, Jillian Harris
Occupation: Technology Consultant
Age: 33
Residence: Chicago, IL

You Remember Him: As the douche that Jillian picked, only to find out that he was whoring himself out all over Chicago while the show aired. He will likely win since he seems a little skeezy. I anticipate a partnership with Erica Rose.

The rest of the cast is made up of fans joining the show for their chance at Bachelor fame and love (haha yeah right). You can see the full list here.

Can’t wait for the premier!

Until then… stay tuned!

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“My Wish. To Not Be Single Forever.” A Love Story by Emily Maynard. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 4 Recap

And we’re back. From the previews, it looks like The Bachelorette may be about to get her groove back. Tongue kissing, cheesy dates, narcissistic dudes, man fights, competitions, douche bags. I like where we’re heading but I don’t want to get my hopes up. Disappointment is the worst.

But before we can get there, CH is at the MANsion in one of Brad’s hand me down plaids (p.s. – why are there so many buttons on that shirt?). It’s rule time (c’mon are the guys so dense that they don’t get what’s going to happen each week. Or worse, is it for us? Oh lord). Blah, blah blah… individual, group and wait… what…. two on one you say? So soon? I need to mentally prepare.

There’s no time for that though, we’re packing up this little abode we snagged for you all to live in. Yeah, yeah, yeah we were only here for like 3 weeks but it’s world tour time. Let’s go to Bermuda (the closest Caribbean island to North Carolina). Bro-Fives for everyone!

Why did I agree to this? (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

If you thought little Ricky wasn’t coming on tour, you are sadly mistaken. Ricky is there ready to soak up the sun and judge dudes by Mama’s side. Emily is hype to be in Bermuda since it’s just like her, “pink and cute.” Here’s hoping next time she’s there she’s with her husband and “pregnant pushing a baby stroller.” C’mon Em, It’s time to chill on the baby talk. At least give it a couple more episodes.

We cut out just in time to catch the gang of douchebags invade Bermuda on scooters ready to start a war for love. After pillaging the local CVS of all its hair gel, it’s date card time.

“Doug, Let Our Senses Lead the Way.”

It’s going to be a parents day out on the islands. BOR-ING. (I can say that, I’m a parent. I’m not trying to watch people do the same lame things I do on vacation. I’m trying to watch people do extreme sports while pretending to fall in love.) Doug does some standard boasting while Alejandro reminds us that he didn’t get kicked off last week (it’s hard to tell).

While Doug talks about how great it is to be a Dad, Arie is hoping that Doug is first of the bicep buddies to take a hike, “Let’s disband the football team.” Oh Arie.

Here’s where things get fun. So Doug has played the whole great guy thing to a tee but the guys aren’t buying it and know exactly how to push his buttons. I love it. Doug doesn’t. So he proves he’s a real man by getting bleeped a good 10 times in a row. You did it Doug!

Side note: Cheers to the producers for included the roast of Doug. Loved it. Also, how many v-neck tees were in that room?

Before the date, Arie sneaks in one last dig on Doug (even if it is off-camera), “Doug is like The Hulk. Doug Angry. Doug Smash. Doug Sad.” Love love love it.

I don’t love how much Emily gushes on Doug, he’s just “so nice and so good looking.” And so boring. He’s like Brad 2.0.

Despite that, Emily says there’s no one she’d rather spend the day with. Doesn’t she say that about everyone on every date?

But then the date starts and I understand why she’d want to spend this day with Doug… it’s boring. They buy tchotchke at a local shop, they make perfume, they hang with the locals. Before heading home for a movie and falling asleep on the couch by 9:30, they stop to send a post card to Austin. Oh and hear Doug talk about being a dad and being awesome and loving the world. Umm hmm, he started his own charity. That happened. “Of course you did,” says Emily and I thank her for saying exactly what I was thinking.

Back to the postcard though, “What kid doesn’t want a postcard from his dad…” and the chick he went on TV to pursue and compete against 20 other dudes to win her love. So sweet.

Oh and one more thing, I forgot to mention Doug confiding about the incident with the guys earlier. Notice, I said GUYS.

Doug tells Emily she walked in after, ” I had just scolded all the boys.” Really Doug? The boys? Give me a break. They’re not your kids (well, other than Alejandro).

After sending Austin their love, they take a stroll through the moon gate. According to Emily, the moon gate “is where married people and like people on their honeymoon and like people in love walk through and like make a wish about love.” Beautiful.

Emily’s wish: “To not be single forever.”
Doug’s wish: “To find a tee-shirt that fits.”

Break Time.

Back with the Bros, it’s time to find out who gets the group date and who’s left for the 2-on-1 option.

Emily picks all the standards and leaves the scraps for the elimi-date. Alejandro, Nate (who?), John and um… someone else are left.

Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jef, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon will be heading out on the high seas with Emily.

Before we get to the dinner portion of our date, does anyone else think Doug looks like this dog?

Oh I know, the dog is more interesting and has WAY more personality. But on looks alone – twins right?

So it’s dinner time and and Doug confesses that he loved sending a postcard to Austin. The only bummer is that Doug will be back at home when Austin receives it.

Emily decides to get down to business and lets Doug know she’s not buying the whole great guy act. So “what would your ex-girlfriends say about you?” Here’s where you’ll want to reach through your TV and smack him. His answers, “that I spent too much time with my son” and “I didn’t wash her car enough.” SERIOUSLY? Get real.

Emily isn’t buying it until the tables are turned and her response (get ready again) “I’m sensitive, stubborn” and I do this really annoying thing with my mouth (okay, I added that). Oh yeah and she “doesn’t work out and wears PJ’s in public.” BLECH.

Here, let me try. I’m bossy, dismissive, rude, sarcastic, obnoxious…” should I go on?

Some more blah blahs and then it’s supposed to be kissing time but Doug gets all neeeerviious and can’t go through with the deed. Clearly he hasn’t kissed a girl since knocking up his baby momma. Emily clearly is annoyed and sits there waiting for Doug to use his overly pink lips to plant an open mouth smooch. But good ole Doug uses his grand pappy’s reasonin’ and decides Emily will let him know if she wants a kiss. Lame.

End Scene.

Would it be bad if I wished they both capsized?

Before we dive into this date can we talk about what the guys are wearing? Is there is a stylist that is providing them with a uniform that consists of prepypy shorts, hoody or fisherman sweater over a henley (sweater optional on dudes with giant biceps) and Toms? So So So many Toms. (It’s for the kids.)

It’s sailing time boys. After a quick lesson (“it’s called a boom cause when it hits you it goes boom.” Ah, I wish. A girl can dream), it’s time to compete. I think it’s well known that I LOVE a competition date – although admittedly it’s better when the girls compete since they’re all craaaa-zy.

Before we can get down to action though, it’s time to find out who’s got the date of doom. (p.s. – Why is Doug’s mouth always so red? It’s like he always just finished a popsicle. Okay, okay – it’s cause he wears lipstick.)

Two on One Date Card time. It’s John “The Wolf” and Nate –  “Let’s explore this Bermuda Love Triangle.”

So the guys split up and it’s the Muscles (Chris, Charlie, Travis, Sean) vs. The Little Misses (Kalon, Jef, Ryan, Arie).

Side note: Doesn’t Travis look like one of the guys in Rascal Flatts?

Race Summary: Muscles heads out to an early start, they get over confident and the little ladies come up from behind and seal the win.

No drama and no craziness make me a little sad. Oh well, at least we get to see the muscles hang their head in defeat on the short bus back to the hotel.

It’s Party Time and once again, the guys are all dressing from the same suitcase.

“Aren’t I Pretty? Come on, you know I’m a pretty man.” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

The always humble Ryan  shares his thoughts thinking that we care, “I’m athletic, I’m good looking and I’m a catch.” You’re also a douche Ryan. But that’s neither here nor there especially when the rest of the guys are heading back to the hotel – filled with shame and regret. So much so that Charlie is crying. C’mon buddy. There’s no crying (for dudes) on The Bachelorette (ha ha, yeah right. Who am i kidding? There’s so much crying for dudes).

Here’s a run down of the after party.

After Ryan toasts to Emily – “his future trophy wife” (don’t even get me started) – she heads off for some alone time with Arie. Up until this VERY moment, Arie was my favorite but after this exchange he may be a leeeetle too feminine for my liking. Maybe he just gets caught up in the cheesiness. I’ll give him a pass this one time.

Next up is Jef. Emily packs up her slanket and heads to Jef’s corner of the beach.  He composes a hit pop tune and sings it to her by the bonfire. Ah, I wish. Instead his hair blows manically in the wind. Clealy Jef got the bottom of the barrel afterthe CVS hair gel raid. Seriously, someone get him some styling putty STAT.

“Are you my mother?” (ABC/DONNA SVENNEVIK)

Despite the ‘do and the fact that he looks like a 9-year-old boy, Emily is smitten. (WHY WHY WHY?) So smitten that she is all bummed out when he doesn’t go in for the kiss (and spoil his first kiss with a real girl while his hair is messy – NEVER!).

Back inside, Ryan is combing his hair, reciting motivational quotes and looking at himself in the mirror. WOOF. He takes a break from his busy self-adulation schedule to sit down with Emily where he repeats ad nauseum, “We’d have pretty children.” Seriously, someone please just put him (and us) out of our misery.

Other notable lines, “God designed you to be a beautiful woman, so be a beautiful woman.” and anything to do with her post-baby weight. The only thing positive about Ryan is that he brings out Emily’s sassy southern side which we get to see after his scolding about kissing Arie. Even Emily knows this is whack and is all “Woah woah woah Judgy MdJudgerson – slow your roll.” (Okay maybe she said it a little differently but you get the point.)

Side note: Is Kalon even on this date? I think he was too busy knitting fisherman sweaters to spend time with Emily.

The group date rose once again goes to Jef and what does the little boy get as a reward? Well a fireworks show of course!

Total Elimination Challenge. The Two on One. The Wolf vs. The CPA

After a quick swim with Ricky, Emily is ready for the worst date of her life. “It makes me really sad that one of these guys is going to get lost at sea.” It makes me really sad to think about the secondary embarrassment I’m about to endure. Especially since this date will involve a boat. The most cruel form of break-up transportation.

This date goes by quick (I think they were trying to spare us). They head off an a yacht to an island where they partake in a little ocean fun before cruising back for dinner in a cave (yes, you read that right and yes, this seems like an exact replica of a date on Brad’s season). All three of them continuously talk about how much fun when we all know that on the inside their soul is slowly dying.

Dinner kicks off with a toast to ” a great night.” LIES!

Only to be followed up with what may go down as the most uncomfortable comment in Bachelorette history, “Is that Quinoa?” Yes, Nate it is Quinoa. I know you’re hunting for things to talk about but really quinoa? This conversation lasts entirely too long since by the time it’s over I’m hiding inside my son’s toy box asking if it’s safe to come out.

They split up for individual talks and despite Nate’s tears, he doesn’t get the rose. That goes to the Wolf Man John who is surprisingly normal, mildly charming and pretty good looking. New favorite perhaps?

Nate lingers slightly too long at the table before Emily gives him the boot. He rides off on the dinghy of shame back to wherever he came from. Nate – you left with dignity and I respect that. I’ll even overlook the last minute tears effort.

We don’t get anymore footage of the date so it appears John has been abandoned in a cave. At least he has three full meals to get him through the night.

Ricky, Will you accept this rose?

I’m going to go off topic for a second and humor my ADD train of thought. So do you think Ricky’s pals and her play “Bachelorette” at sleep overs? Maybe like with their teddy bears or dolls or whatever they play with? I’m thinking yes. I’m also thinking that Ricky ALWAYS gets to be The Bachelorette.

It looks like the Mommy & Me hang out pre-rose ceremony is now a weekly tradition. I like it. Once Ricky masters the blue spelling list, Momma Bear is out to conquer her list.

It’s party time which has me wishing they’d turn off Ryan’s mic. I mean really – haven’t we heard enough of him already? He is seriously destined for Bachelor Pad. No more, no less. (And ps – I wrote this before Ryan’s little revelation.)

Emily’s ready to spice things up and by spice things up, I mean wear a jump suit.

First up – Ale(jandro not ssandro – that gypsy is long gone). Ale’s a little too young for Emily. Despite that (and his large diamond earring), he seems genuine and sufficiently charming. Here’s hoping he gets to hang around another week instead of some of these fools.

And then I see it. WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH JEF. Are you serious with those socks? Why are you dressed for your kindergarden school picture? I mean, really? I can’t even put words around this outfit. If he didn’t already have a rose, he should have been dismissed site on scene (and we thought Kalon was bad).

I’m still reeling from Jef’s tall socks when Ryan’s aura of douche fills the room. Thankfully the guys seem to hate him as much as we do and they send Arie in to bust things up! Arie rescues us from Ryan’s attempts to use three-syllable words correctly and annoyingly spiked up hair.

ABC and the producers are also clearly happy to be rescued since they cue up the romantic, fun tunes and fade out the scary, awkward, weird tunes.But before we’re clear, Ryan sneaks in one last obnoxious comment told to the mute with the ponytail, “I see a lot of potential with Emily but I honestly feel like I’m called to something bigger.” Oh and by bigger, he means The Bachelor. Come on brah, you aint no Bachelor. You are straight up Bachelor Pad. No ifs, ands or buts (not butts) about it.

Side note: If you had been drinking every time Ryan gave himself a compliment, you would be on your way to the ER right now.

Is this guy for real? He’s so awful that I ALMOST forgot about Jef’s awful socks. But really. I cannot stand him and WILL NOT watch him on the BAchelor. Now Bachelor Pad – he’ll be magical on that.

The rest of the night includes Sean being cute and charming. Daddy Daycare & Chris getting into a ridiculously stupid fight where for once I am on Doug’s side (Chris Buddy – you’re just trying too hard) and a sit down with CH.

Chrissy Hare is a probing into the details, trying to find out if Emily will really find true love this time around (doubtful). Even he knows that this group of guys are meh at best.

Bored bored bored until she says she’s on to Ryan’s games (so you’re saying there’s a chance!) and then it’s rose time.

Okay, side note: Was this episode REALLY long or was it just me?

Rose Time

Doug, Jef and John the Wolf have roses.

7 Roses, 2 Guys Going Home.

  • Sean
  • Arie
  • Travis
  • Chris
  • Ryan – BOOOOOO.
  • Kalon – Double Boo.
  • Alejandro

WOAH WOAH WOAH. I definitely thought that one was going to Charlie.

Yowzer. One muscle man is gone and Emily gets rid of the only other person on the show with a pony tail. Michael – we hardly knew ye.

Aw Charlie’s crying in the rain. Poor Charlie.

But enough of that, cheers guys we’re going to London! I for one am excited about all the fancy trench coats Emily’s going to be wearing.

Previews for next week look good! Which basically means that Emily gets real with one of the guys! My wish – Ryan. More obvious choice – Kalon or Chris maybe.

What did you all think of this episode? Too little Harrison right?

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