Last night’s Bachelorette viewing experience was an epic failure. First off, our DVR didn’t record the episode so I had to start 45 minutes in. Second, the notes I typed up for the remaining portion of the show didn’t save and were lost so I’m going from memory here folks. But I’m trying to catch up on the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. Apologies in advance.
The episode begins with breakfast in bed for Emily. Must be nice. After discussing the perils of reality TV show dating while having a kid with her mama, we’re back at the mansion with our dear friend CH.
Congrats, only 16 of you left. Only 15 more total elimination challenges until you get true love.
Chris “Love is a Steady Climb.”
The date kicks off at night with some talk about the weather. But all that small talk comes to a close when Emily lets Chris know that they will be getting dinner together but the route to the meal is up the side of the building. Well, finally. I’ve been waiting for some sort of date that involves a harness.
Chris says love is definitely like climbing a building and I wonder out loud if the producers tell them to say this shit or if it’s their Stockholm syndrome peaking through.
Up they go on the always romantic building climb in the middle of a thunder-storm. Nothing like good ole Mother Nature to spoil the romance.
p.s. – Was the production team sending out alerts to the people of Charlotte to come and gawk at all these dates? Do people in NC really care about Emily that much? Is the lure of a television crew just too much to handle? Seriously, why are all these people just watching them slowly ascend a building?
Since Emily clearly needs lots of reassuring, one “I love you Emily” shout from the crowd is all she needs to get over the hump and up to the top. Multiple high fives later, one awkward hug and a glass of champagne later and Chris still hasn’t kissed Emily. What are you waiting for bud? An invitation? (Please lord don’t ask her if you can kiss her. That is by far the worst.)
Wait wasn’t there a storm coming in? Why are they eating outside? Sorry so many questions, so few answers.
Emily tells Chris that he’s just too cute for her – um no. Emily – stop saying that. None of these guys are too cute for you.
Chris has this weird, small smile that is super awkward. He does this thing where he puts his head down and does that mouth closed smile and I want to shield my eyes.
Back at the mansion, Tony is using his Kermit voice to baby talk with his son – get mentally prepared folks cause this is the first of WAY too much baby talk.
Date card time, who’s on deck for this sausage fest.
Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!
Back on the date, Chris is forced to use his odd closed mouth smile and the phrase “I’m a man” to prove he’s ready at 25 to be a Dad. I used to like Chris but that odd smile totally weirds me out. I just can’t deal.
Despite the wonky smile, Emily totally falls for him and he snags the rose. And what better way to close a date but a personal, street performance. As they dance in the street to the musical stylings of Luke Bryan, Chris commits my number one cardinal sin – asking for the kiss. This totally goes against his previous statement, “I’m a man.” He sneaks in the first kiss before giving a bro-out to Luke Bryan for performing a totally rad concert for him, his creepy grin and Emily.
Back in Charlotte, birds are singing, Emily is wearing jean shorts and the dudes are ready to kick it in the park. That can only mean one thing. It’s Group Date time!
Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!
Do you all know how mad my spell check gets about Jef with one F. Seriously, I can feel it judging me every time I type it. Moving on.
Ryan, who just gets douchier by the moment asserts his “connection” with Emily. I used to like him but every time he appears on camera I hate him a little more. As I’m contemplating my disdain for Ryan, Emily just dips out. She’s like, “you all are the worst and I’d rather pluck out my eye lashes than be around you one more moment” so instead she decides to go kick it with her mommy-pals.
It’s time to get the mom-squad involved in this show. First off, it must be addressed that these gals are at least 10 years older than Emily. Second, I think they all have vodka in their thermos (get it girls!). Put these two elements together and I think we’re finally gonna get a little personality on this show. Bring. It. On
These ladies are hype. I love it. “These women are my best friends and they’re a tough critic.” Loves it.
It’s time for the gal pals to interview the brahs. I can’t remember which guy said it but he nailed it with, “this is going to be a train wreck.”
The young brunettes tag team a few of the guys and ask about being a dad. BORING. Where is that sassy Indian chick and the boozy blond?
Ah here they are. Ready to grill egg guy and Shelly (who knew the egg had a name). “Did you fertilize it yourself?” Best line ever.
Of course, Stevie showcases his dance MC moves and Ryan does push ups. Could these guys be bigger stereotypes?
Sean is on the scene (sorry I’ve been spelling his name wrong all season) and comes strong with the faith and kids card. Well played.
Okay, hold the front door. Can we get Wendy (boozy blond) to make weekly appearances on the show. She’s definitely had the best lines of the season and has 1.7 million times more personality than Emily. I’d like to see her join Em and CH in those fireside chats. I think Wendy wants to take Sean home with her. Watch out Emily, Wendy may try to steal this “genetic specimen.”
Love how she’s just sipping on her vodka water and making Sean take his shirt off and do push ups.
But enough of that, Emily wants the guys to put their “money where their mouth is” by proving they really like kids so some poor group of kids is forced to kick it with the dudes for an afternoon.
Side note: Alright, we get it. Emily needs to find a dad for Ricky Tick but enough with all this kid stuff. They aren’t competing to teach daycare.
In the mean time, Ryan the attention whore stops by the sip ‘tinis with the ladies. But since he obviously is the most vain (have you seen that hair/tan) and ridiculous human on the show, tells Emily that she best not get fat or he won’t be “loving on her as much.” To add insult to injury, he says it right in front of her friends. C’mon buddy. I know he’s cute and all, but can we please be rid of him?
The gals decide that Sean and Doug are their faves. Agreed Wendy, brunettes and sweet sassy Indian.
It’s dinner time aka crying time for Tony.
One thing Emily doesn’t disappoint with is her style. That skirt she sports to the dinner group date is freaking cute. Can’t wait to see how much that puppy cost on Possessionista.
Emily tells the guys that she loved that they got to meet her friends and that she got to evaluate their ability to kick it with kids.
Doug is up first and gushes on how much this parents love each other. (Sean, next time please apply so SPF 30 to that forehead.) Doug comes in strong by complimenting the pals but then gets all serious and gives us the “Doug life story.” Daddy Doug had a pretty rough time growing up. And I must agree with Emily when she says he seems like “an awesome human being.” Team Doug! (Wish he had a different name cause Doug just reminds me of the cartoon.)
Clearly a day at the park with a gang of kiddos was just too much for this emotional Daddy-O. It appears that Tony-T is missing his little man, big time. I am totally cool with the loving parent things but when he picks up the phone to call his little dude, his voice goes straight Kermy. Dude, your kid is 5 not 2. I’m sure he understands your normal voice.
But before Tony can have a full-fledged meltdown, we find out Arie will be getting the other date with Emily.
(p.s. – How funny was it when Kalon asked Arie if he can drive stick shift. Uh buddy, he’s a race card driver, a professional car driver, I’m pretty sure he can drive a stick shift.)
Emily and Tony sit down so he can talk more about his kid and fight back tears. Next up is a papa bear heart to heart with Doug where Tony basically loses it. I’m pretty sure Taylor (Tony’s kid) can make a few more weeks without Dad and his large collection of snap-up apparel (seriously, does he not know how to use buttons?).”Do you know I miss you SO much! Do you know I love yooooou? Do you miss me toooo?” Come on guy, get it together. Your kid is gonna be fine. “No I’m joker and you’re Batman.” Oh lord. Please get this guy out of her. This conversation is sending me into a secondary embarrassment frenzy. “Where is Dad, where did he go?” Um, Tony, I didn’t hear Taylor say that once. Little man sounded a-okay to me.
Unfortunately for Taylor, Emily notices that Tony is just not man enough to make it another moment without his son so she comes over to send him home. His 8-week slumber party and candy fest at grandma’s house is going to end early. To Emily’s credit, she weaves a nice story about how she’s doing him a favor and before Tony knows what’s hit him, he’s being placed in a cab.
Sayonara Tony and your Kermit voice.
But now it’s back to the party, where Emily gives the rose to Sean.
Enough with this non-sense though, we’ve got a date with Arie coming up.
Arie. Good Ole Rocky Top. (Sorry I forgot what the date card said.)
Arie and Emily hop in a private jet and head to… er, Pigeon Forge. No offense to Pigeon Forge (been there, love it) but you know Arie is wondering what they’re doing there.
You’re going to DOLLYWOOD! Which in case you didn’t know, is to Emily the “happiest place on earth.” All Arie cares about is that she’s wearing jean shorts (girl must own like 19 pairs).
They enjoy all the sites and sounds of Dollywood – games, lemonade, roller coasters and dancing to the sweet sounds of the fiddle being played by overall clad, moustached men. Take that Walt Disney.
But there’s only so much fun you can have before you need a nice air-conditioned break, so these two head into the empty stage where Dolly sometimes performs.
Side note: Alright, if Emily honestly thought she was going to take a trip to Dollywood as part of a nationally televised show and NOT meet Dolly Parton, she is cray. We’re only three episodes in and she’s already been to two performances, you think they didn’t make a call to sweet sweet Dolly? B**ch please.
They find a pair of microphones and a piece of paper urging them to write a love song. All the while I pray out loud that we won’t have to hear either of them sing the monstrosities they’re sure to write.
And just like that, my prayers are answered… HELLO DOLLY!
Dolly is on the scene and Emily has a full-fledge panic attack. Dolly is there in all her rhinestone glory ready to give the now standard awkward personal performance. Arie and Emily dances and he tries to keep hold of her so she doesn’t attack Dolly and plant a big open-mouth smooch on her face.
“She’s such a cool lady… she wears fabulous costumes every day.” Watch out dudes, it appears Emily aspires to be just like Dolly one day (this could be a good or bad thing, depends on who you ask. To me… Good thing. At least she’s be making something of herself). Dolly & Emily sit down for a quick chat where Dolly tells Emily “she knows her story.”
“It’s crazy to me that Dolly Parton even knows I exist on this planet.” Well, how could she not. I’m sure she has a television and you’re pretty much on it ALL THE TIME.
One more quick serenade from Dolly (a song she wrote for her husband of 46 years – get it Dolly!) and we can tell Emily is a smitten kitten. Even Dolly knows it.
At dinner, these two dine alfresco and Emily grills him on life, love and whether he wants to be Ricky’s daddy.
Clearly, Arie is one of the front-runners and I couldn’t be happier. But rather than gush on him, she continues to gush on Dolly. Um hello, you have a hottie race car driver to dine with – get on it!
Emily gets straight to business – “you dated a girl with two kids, I need to hear more about that.” He gives us the full breakdown about his daddy day care duties which is the ultimate panty dropper for Em.
p.s. – has anyone else noticed how much Emily pulls that one strand of hair out of her face? It’s like a constant battle since she never actually puts it behind her ear.
Blahblahblah, being a good mommy, kids, family and then it’s rose time. Emily tries to pull a fast one on Arie but SUPRESA, it’s just a joke. You get a Rose. Duh.
You’d think he’d get an open mouth kiss right then and there but it’s jut a kiss on the cheek. She’s saving the good stuff for the romantic carousel ride. Instead of saddling up, they grab a bench an open mouth kiss their way in circle to the sweet sounds of Dolly Parton.
Earn Your Rose Time.
Another week, another bathroom heart to heart with little Ricky while mommy zips up her latest sparkly black tie dress. This time it’s a gold sparkly number lacking a little in the support category. Oh Emily, you were just with Dolly. Didn’t she give you any pointers on how to properly support the girls?
The guys are mentally preparing and by mentally preparing I mean staring into the fire pit drinking away their anxiety. Some highlights from the cocktail party:
- Kalon, el doucho supremo, is sporting the science glasses Aaron left behind (doesn’t he know those are a bad luck). In a cheer-worthy foot-in-mouth one two combo, he accost Emily for not giving him a date and then follows it up with this gem, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” I wish she would just escort him out now (or at least after he said these words outloud, “It’s not how I wrote it in my journal as a kid.” Well that makes sense that he used to be a 12-year-old girl). His little faux-pas clearly turns Emily off – “I like tall, skinny and funny but I don’t like tall, skinny and condescending.” Truth.
- Egg Guy & Shelly (aka Travis). It’s finally time to say adios to Shelly so they take her out on the porch and smash her. I will say that during this exchange it seems like Emily finally shows a little bit of personality and sense of humor. Can we get more like this and less talk about kids? Gotta say my favorite part of the episode was when the dudes came out to “mourn” Shelly and then toasted to her. Cheers to the producers for including that!
- Alessandro gets the boot. Emily sits down with him cause she “has a lot of questions.” Most importantly, where do you get that spray tan and can I recommend someone instead? No but really, Alessandro and Emily talk babes (of course – blech) and he drops the “i’m a gypsy” line before saying that Ricky would be a “compromise.” Basically, Alessandro is willing to “compromise” his life by putting aside his busy gypsy lifestyle for their fam. This exchange is probably one of the worst so far. I want to jump behind my couch as he digs himself deeper and deeper into his grave. And just like that, he’s gone. We find out later that he is willing to compromise on dating his cousin and sleeping with girls on the first night. Looks like Emily made a good choice in ditching this one.
- Arie steals some kisses. After giving Ale the boot, Em just needs a little loving (and obviously, reassurance that her kiddo isn’t a “compromise.” Oh and that she looks really really pretty right now) so she heads straight to Arie’s arms for a little side smooching. Yes!
- Sean graciously flatters Emily since that’s all she really needs in life. Well that and someone to keep her living the life she’s become accustomed to.
The rest of the party is pretty uneventful (other than the bros getting all hot and bothered about Emily smooching Arie – I’m looking at you meat heads Charlie & Ryan). Also side note, was Emily wearing boots under that gold lame dress? I swear I saw something ankle length.
Time’s Up. Let’s get our Rose on.
Chris, Sean and Arie already have roses. One guy gotsta go.Who’s it gonna be. I’m hoping it’s Kalon but I know it’s going to be Stevie.
- Charlie (she definitely says his name the most country)
- Micheal (where’s he been all episode?)
- Travis sans Shelly
- Kalon – booooooo!
And the final rose goes to…
- Nate (who is this guy?)
More MC Stevie. The music’s over for our favorite Jersey boy. He leaves without embarrassing himself anymore than doing the worm in the park.
Next week, we’re finally leaving Ricky behind and heading to Bermuda where it looks like Ryan shows his true color and we get my favorite kind of date… a competition!
What did you think of Emily & Dolly’s first date? How do you feel about Ryan? Are you with me on Team Arie?
Until next time… stay tuned!