Monthly Archives: May 2012

“To me this is the happies place on Earth.” Dolly > Walt. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 3 Recap

Last night’s Bachelorette viewing experience was an epic failure. First off, our DVR didn’t record the episode so I had to start 45 minutes in. Second, the notes I typed up for the remaining portion of the show didn’t save and were lost so I’m going from memory here folks. But I’m trying to catch up on the beginning so we’ll see how it goes. Apologies in advance.

The episode begins with breakfast in bed for Emily. Must be nice. After discussing the perils of reality TV show dating while having a kid with her mama, we’re back at the mansion with our dear friend CH.

But Mama, it’s just so hard looking pretty, drinking cocktails and dating 16 men.

Congrats, only 16 of you left. Only 15 more total elimination challenges until you get true love.

First up…

Chris “Love is a Steady Climb.”

The date kicks off at night with some talk about the weather. But all that small talk comes to a close when Emily lets Chris know that they will be getting dinner together but the route to the meal is up the side of the building. Well, finally. I’ve been waiting for some sort of date that involves a harness.

Chris says love is definitely like climbing a building and I wonder out loud if the producers tell them to say this shit or if it’s their Stockholm syndrome peaking through.

Up they go on the always romantic building climb in the middle of a thunder-storm. Nothing like good ole Mother Nature to spoil the romance.

p.s. – Was the production team sending out alerts to the people of Charlotte to come and gawk at all these dates? Do people in NC really care about Emily that much? Is the lure of a television crew just too much to handle? Seriously, why are all these people just watching them slowly ascend a building?

High Five! Cause there’s no way in hell i’m kissing that evil grin. (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Since Emily clearly needs lots of reassuring, one “I love you Emily” shout from the crowd is all she needs to get over the hump and up to the top. Multiple high fives later, one awkward hug and a glass of champagne later and Chris still hasn’t kissed Emily. What are you waiting for bud? An invitation? (Please lord don’t ask her if you can kiss her. That is by far the worst.)

Wait wasn’t there a storm coming in? Why are they eating outside? Sorry so many questions, so few answers.

Emily tells Chris that he’s just too cute for her – um no. Emily – stop saying that. None of these guys are too cute for you.

Chris has this weird, small smile that is super awkward. He does this thing where he puts his head down and does that mouth closed smile and I want to shield my eyes.

Back at the mansion, Tony is using his Kermit voice to baby talk with his son – get mentally prepared folks cause this is the first of WAY too much baby talk.

Date card time, who’s on deck for this sausage fest.

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Back on the date, Chris is forced to use his odd closed mouth smile and the phrase “I’m a man” to prove he’s ready at 25 to be a Dad. I used to like Chris but that odd smile totally weirds me out. I just can’t deal.

THIS is what I’m talking about.

Despite the wonky smile, Emily totally falls for him and he snags the rose. And what better way to close a date but a personal, street performance. As they dance in the street to the musical stylings of Luke Bryan, Chris commits my number one cardinal sin – asking for the kiss. This totally goes against his previous statement, “I’m a man.” He sneaks in the first kiss before giving a bro-out to Luke Bryan for performing a totally rad concert for him, his creepy grin and Emily.

Back in Charlotte, birds are singing, Emily is wearing jean shorts and the dudes are ready to kick it in the park. That can only mean one thing. It’s Group Date time!

Charlie, Alejandro, Stevie, Ryan, Alessandro, Shawn, John, Michael, Doug, Jef, Tony and Travis – Let’s Play!

Do you all know how mad my spell check gets about Jef with one F. Seriously, I can feel it judging me every time I type it. Moving on.

Ryan, who just gets douchier by the moment asserts his “connection” with Emily. I used to like him but every time he appears on camera I hate him a little more. As I’m contemplating my disdain for Ryan, Emily just dips out. She’s like, “you all are the worst and I’d rather pluck out my eye lashes than be around you one more moment” so instead she decides to go kick it with her mommy-pals.

It’s time to get the mom-squad involved in this show. First off, it must be addressed that these gals are at least 10 years older than Emily. Second, I think they all have vodka in their thermos (get it girls!). Put these two elements together and I think we’re finally gonna get a little personality on this show. Bring. It. On

These ladies are hype. I love it. “These women are my best friends and they’re a tough critic.” Loves it.

It’s time for the gal pals to interview the brahs. I can’t remember which guy said it but he nailed it with, “this is going to be a train wreck.”

Hey Ladies – Don’t be strangers!

The young brunettes tag team a few of the guys and ask about being a dad. BORING. Where is that sassy Indian chick and the boozy blond?

Ah here they are. Ready to grill egg guy and Shelly (who knew the egg had a name). “Did you fertilize it yourself?” Best line ever.

Of course, Stevie showcases his dance MC moves and Ryan does push ups. Could these guys be bigger stereotypes?

Sean is on the scene (sorry I’ve been spelling his name wrong all season) and comes strong with the faith and kids card. Well played.

Okay, hold the front door. Can we get Wendy (boozy blond) to make weekly appearances on the show. She’s definitely had the best lines of the season and has 1.7 million times more personality than Emily. I’d like to see her join Em and CH in those fireside chats. I think Wendy wants to take Sean home with her. Watch out Emily, Wendy may try to steal this “genetic specimen.”

Love how she’s just sipping on her vodka water and making Sean take his shirt off and do push ups.

But enough of that, Emily wants the guys to put their “money where their mouth is” by proving they really like kids so some poor group of kids is forced to kick it with the dudes for an afternoon.

Side note: Alright, we get it. Emily needs to find a dad for Ricky Tick but enough with all this kid stuff. They aren’t competing to teach daycare.

In the mean time, Ryan the attention whore stops by the sip ‘tinis with the ladies. But since he obviously is the most vain (have you seen that hair/tan) and ridiculous human on the show, tells Emily that she best not get fat or he won’t be “loving on her as much.” To add insult to injury, he says it right in front of her friends. C’mon buddy. I know he’s cute and all, but can we please be rid of him?

The gals decide that Sean and Doug are their faves. Agreed Wendy, brunettes and sweet sassy Indian.

It’s dinner time aka crying time for Tony.

One thing Emily doesn’t disappoint with is her style. That skirt she sports to the dinner group date is freaking cute. Can’t wait to see how much that puppy cost on Possessionista.

Emily tells the guys that she loved that they got to meet her friends and that she got to evaluate their ability to kick it with kids.

Doug is up first and gushes on how much this parents love each other. (Sean, next time please apply so SPF 30 to that forehead.) Doug comes in strong by complimenting the pals but then gets all serious and gives us the “Doug life story.” Daddy Doug had a pretty rough time growing up. And I must agree with Emily when she says he seems like “an awesome human being.” Team Doug! (Wish he had a different name cause Doug just reminds me of the cartoon.)

Clearly a day at the park with a gang of kiddos was just too much for this emotional Daddy-O. It appears that Tony-T is missing his little man, big time. I am totally cool with the loving parent things but when he picks up the phone to call his little dude, his voice goes straight Kermy. Dude, your kid is 5 not 2. I’m sure he understands your normal voice.

But before Tony can have a full-fledged meltdown, we find out Arie will be getting the other date with Emily.

(p.s. – How funny was it when Kalon asked Arie if he can drive stick shift. Uh buddy, he’s a race card driver, a professional car driver, I’m pretty sure he can drive a stick shift.)

Not a rainbow connection.

Emily and Tony sit down so he can talk more about his kid and fight back tears. Next up is a papa bear heart to heart with Doug where Tony basically loses it. I’m pretty sure Taylor (Tony’s kid) can make a few more weeks without Dad and his large collection of snap-up apparel (seriously, does he not know how to use buttons?).”Do you know I miss you SO much! Do you know I love yooooou? Do you miss me toooo?” Come on guy, get it together. Your kid is gonna be fine. “No I’m joker and you’re Batman.” Oh lord. Please get this guy out of her. This conversation is sending me into a secondary embarrassment frenzy. “Where is Dad, where did he go?” Um, Tony, I didn’t hear Taylor say that once. Little man sounded a-okay to me.

Unfortunately for Taylor, Emily notices that Tony is just not man enough to make it another moment without his son so she comes over to send him home. His 8-week slumber party and candy fest at grandma’s house is going to end early. To Emily’s credit, she weaves a nice story about how she’s doing him a favor and before Tony knows what’s hit him, he’s being placed in a cab.

Sayonara Tony and your Kermit voice.

But now it’s back to the party, where Emily gives the rose to Sean.

Enough with this non-sense though, we’ve got a date with Arie coming up.

Arie. Good Ole Rocky Top. (Sorry I forgot what the date card said.)

Arie and Emily hop in a private jet and head to… er, Pigeon Forge. No offense to Pigeon Forge (been there, love it) but you know Arie is wondering what they’re doing there.

You’re going to DOLLYWOOD! Which in case you didn’t know, is to Emily the “happiest place on earth.” All Arie cares about is that she’s wearing jean shorts (girl must own like 19 pairs).

They enjoy all the sites and sounds of Dollywood – games, lemonade, roller coasters and dancing to the sweet sounds of the fiddle being played by overall clad, moustached men. Take that Walt Disney.

You’re not in Pheonix anymore.

But there’s only so much fun you can have before you need a nice air-conditioned break, so these two head into the empty stage where Dolly sometimes performs.

Side note: Alright, if Emily honestly thought she was going to take a trip to Dollywood as part of a nationally televised show and NOT meet Dolly Parton, she is cray. We’re only three episodes in and she’s already been to two performances, you think they didn’t make a call to sweet sweet Dolly? B**ch please.

They find a pair of microphones and a piece of paper urging them to write a love song. All the while I pray out loud that we won’t have to hear either of them sing the monstrosities they’re sure to write.

And just like that, my prayers are answered… HELLO DOLLY!

Dolly is on the scene and Emily has a full-fledge panic attack. Dolly is there in all her rhinestone glory ready to give the now standard awkward personal performance. Arie and Emily dances and he tries to keep hold of her so she doesn’t attack Dolly and plant a big open-mouth smooch on her face.

“She’s such a cool lady… she wears fabulous costumes every day.” Watch out dudes, it appears Emily aspires to be just like Dolly one day (this could be a good or bad thing, depends on who you ask. To me… Good thing. At least she’s be making something of herself). Dolly & Emily sit down for a quick chat where Dolly tells Emily “she knows her story.”

“It’s crazy to me that Dolly Parton even knows I exist on this planet.” Well, how could she not. I’m sure she has a television and you’re pretty much on it ALL THE TIME.

One more quick serenade from Dolly (a song she wrote for her husband of 46 years – get it Dolly!) and we can tell Emily is a smitten kitten. Even Dolly knows it.

At dinner, these two dine alfresco and Emily grills him on life, love and whether he wants to be Ricky’s daddy.

Clearly, Arie is one of the front-runners and I couldn’t be happier. But rather than gush on him, she continues to gush on Dolly. Um hello, you have a hottie race car driver to dine with – get on it!

Emily gets straight to business – “you dated a girl with two kids, I need to hear more about that.” He gives us the full breakdown about his daddy day care duties which is the ultimate panty dropper for Em.

Dolly, will you accept this rose. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

p.s. – has anyone else noticed how much Emily pulls that one strand of hair out of her face? It’s like a constant battle since she never actually puts it behind her ear.

Blahblahblah, being a good mommy, kids, family and then it’s rose time. Emily tries to pull a fast one on Arie but SUPRESA, it’s just a joke. You get a Rose. Duh.

You’d think he’d get an open mouth kiss right then and there but it’s jut a kiss on the cheek. She’s saving the good stuff for the romantic carousel ride. Instead of saddling up, they grab a bench an open mouth kiss their way in circle to the sweet sounds  of Dolly Parton.

Exhibit A: Visual Proof of the Hair Twitch. (ABC/JON LEMAY)

Earn Your Rose Time.

Another week, another bathroom heart to heart with little Ricky while mommy zips up her latest sparkly black tie dress. This time it’s a gold sparkly number lacking a little in the support category. Oh Emily, you were just with Dolly. Didn’t she give you any pointers on how to properly support the girls?

The guys are mentally preparing and by mentally preparing I mean staring into the fire pit drinking away their anxiety. Some highlights from the cocktail party:

  • Kalon, el doucho supremo, is sporting the science glasses Aaron left behind (doesn’t he know those are a bad luck). In a cheer-worthy foot-in-mouth one two combo, he accost Emily for not giving him a date and then follows it up with this gem, “I love it when you talk but I wish you’d let me finish.” I wish she would just escort him out now (or at least after he said these words outloud, “It’s not how I wrote it in my journal as a kid.” Well that makes sense that he used to be a 12-year-old girl). His little faux-pas clearly turns Emily off – “I like tall, skinny and funny but I don’t like tall, skinny and condescending.” Truth.
  • Egg Guy & Shelly (aka Travis). It’s finally time to say adios to Shelly so they take her out on the porch and smash her. I will say that during this exchange it seems like Emily finally shows a little bit of personality and sense of humor. Can we get more like this and less talk about kids? Gotta say my favorite part of the episode was when the dudes came out to “mourn” Shelly and then toasted to her. Cheers to the producers for including that!
  • Alessandro gets the boot. Emily sits down with him cause she “has a lot of questions.” Most importantly, where do you get that spray tan and can I recommend someone instead? No but really, Alessandro and Emily talk babes (of course – blech) and he drops the “i’m a gypsy” line before saying that Ricky would be a “compromise.” Basically, Alessandro is willing to “compromise” his life by putting aside his busy gypsy lifestyle for their fam.  This exchange is probably one of the worst so far. I want to jump behind my couch as he digs himself deeper and deeper into his grave. And just like that, he’s gone. We find out later that he is willing to compromise on dating his cousin and sleeping with girls on the first night. Looks like Emily made a good choice in ditching this one.
  • Arie steals some kisses. After giving Ale the boot, Em just needs a little loving (and obviously, reassurance that her kiddo isn’t a “compromise.” Oh and that she looks really really pretty right now) so she heads straight to Arie’s arms for a little side smooching. Yes!
  • Sean graciously flatters Emily since that’s all she really needs in life. Well that and someone to keep her living the life she’s become accustomed to.

The rest of the party is pretty uneventful (other than the bros getting all hot and bothered about Emily smooching Arie – I’m looking at you meat heads Charlie & Ryan). Also side note, was Emily wearing boots under that gold lame dress? I swear I saw something ankle length.

Time’s Up. Let’s get our Rose on.

Chris, Sean and Arie already have roses. One guy gotsta go.Who’s it gonna be. I’m hoping it’s Kalon but I know it’s going to be Stevie.

  • Jef
  • Charlie (she definitely says his name the most country)
  • Doug
  • Micheal (where’s he been all episode?)
  • Travis sans Shelly
  • Alejandro
  • Ryan
  • John
  • Kalon – booooooo!

And evil takes a human form in… Kalon.

And the final rose goes to…

  • Nate (who is this guy?)

More MC Stevie. The music’s over for our favorite Jersey boy. He leaves without embarrassing himself anymore than doing the worm in the park.

Next week, we’re finally leaving Ricky behind and heading to Bermuda where it looks like Ryan shows his true color and we get my favorite kind of date… a competition!

What did you think of Emily & Dolly’s first date? How do you feel about Ryan? Are you with me on Team Arie?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Kissing Frogs with Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 2 Recap

I have high hopes for this season. And having the Muppets on the second episode could either be a brilliant way up the secondary embarrassment ante or it could be an early life vest meant to save us from the boredom that this cast of guys appears to be.

I’m going to look on the bright side, mostly because Fozzie is going to make an appearance. What can I say, I’m a huge Fozzie fan.

(ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

We now interrupt this regularly scheduled episode for BREAKING NEWS! Emily is filming in Charlotte, North Carolina. Did you all get that? Cause if not, there are helicopters circling above hunting Emily and her man candy’s every move. For Action News, I’m Ricky Bobby.

She may be a big news story but all Emily really needs after a stressful night of meeting, drinking with and ultimately kicking off a bunch of hot (-ish) dudes is a Mommy’s day out at the park. Hold the phone. I know Emily is a young mommy but she’s got to be able to find some Mom friends under the age of 40. Emily, I’m 28. I have a kid. Call me. We’ll hang out.

But enough of that. There’s a house full of dudes not paying attention to Chris Harrison. (What the what is happening around here? Why aren’t people snapping to attention the moment CH strolls into the house? Blasphemy.)

Since these guys don’t appear to be the sharpest knives in the drawer, CH is forced to give them a detailed break down of how the show works. “Some guys get individual dates, some guys get group dates, some guys get no dates…” seems easy enough and you’d think these guys would have watched an episode before packing but hey, who am I to judge.

The group thanks Chris in unison (there’s a little of the respect this man deserves) and someone remarks, “things just got real.” Truth.

First up: “Ryan, be my King in the Queen City.”

Emily gets creativity points for actually being clever in her first date card (but it’s early and I don’t want to get our hopes up). Ryan flexes his muscles, fixes his hair and throws on his favorite burn-out, v-neck tee. You’re right unnamed dude, “things just got real.”

Emily is excited to go on a date with Ryan but nervous because he’s “crazy good-looking” and the last “crazy good-looking” dude she dated was Brad (WOOF – these are her words, not mine). Let’s hope that these Brad references are few & far between. (A girl can dream.)

So Ryan’s all hyped up, wondering what the producers have in store for the first date. Rappelling (a personal favorite), helicopters, jets, sports cars?  Nope, we’re taking the SUV to Emily’s home to do a little baking. (Not gonna lie, baking chocolate chip cookies doesn’t sound bad at all) Turns out Emily really is a soccer mom and it’s her turn to bring snack to practice.

Ryan can’t hide his viable disappointment but he puts on a brave face and a frilly apron and gets to baking.

A batch of cookies and few sliced oranges (p.s. – both looked delicious) and it’s time to drop off those goodies for the girlies. Unfortunately for Ryan, he’s not allowed to meet little Ricky yet so he sits in the parking lot like a huge creeper while Betty Crocker delivered the goods.

No officer, I swear I’m just waiting for my, errr, girlfriend.

Back at the pool, the guys are talking about the star of the show. They debate whether Ricky will really like any of them (doubtful at best) and who’s abs are the best (too early to choose).

Now that her Mommy dearest duties are done for the day, it’s time to party. Which means they’re off to Chuckie Cheese! PSYCH!

While I think Emily would be totally cool with pizza and a regular coke (yeah, right), the producers won’t allow for anymore of this normalcy (read: boring). So it’s off to dinner & a surprise.

They arrive at the restaurant and it’s surrounded by a swarm of fans (“Charlotte’s just a little city” um, no it’s not. It may not be LA or NYC but c’mon it’s a seriously large metropolitan area. Enough of this country bumpkin rouse.) You’d think with a roped off crowd outside that there would at least be a few other people inside. Nope. It’s empty, just like Emily’s belly at the end of the meal.

During Ryan & Emily’s overly familiar first date convo, I tune out and instead get into a twitter convo with one of my most favorite Bachelorette bloggers – possessionista. This ranks right up there with Mike Fleiss and Ames Brown in terms of my fave twitter responses. (Check it out.)

And I’m back, just in time to hear them mention kids, family and life together. What about pizza toppings, bands you hate and sounds that make you want to pull out your hair (okay, maybe those aren’t great first date topics either but at least it doesn’t involve reproductive parts). Either way, he snags the rose all while wooing sassy southern Emily out. I wanted their conversation about “the chase” to be cute, I did, but all it did was make me feel mildly uncomfortable.

Emily (aka The Producers) couldn’t let the date end this way so they pull a signature move out of the playbook – the concert. It’s a special concert surprise! Well, that’s if you consider Gloriana special (ps – where was the blond girl who used to have the show on MTV?). Gotta love the up and coming artist serenade. There’s only one thing more embarrassingly awkward than being serenaded and that’s being serenaded in the middle of a mob of camera phones on a floating stage. Yup, that happened.

They dance and talk about how “surreal” it all is which leads me to believe an open mouth kiss is imminent. Unfortunately for us all, there is no slobber swap to put a proper end to the date.

Group Date: Alejandro, Nate, Alessandro, Tony, Michael, Johm, Jef, Charlie, Kyle, Chris, Eric, Stevie and Kalan. “Let’s set the stage for love.”

Oh Kermie, Why can’t you come on the group date with us? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Kalan comes out strong with the first douchey date comment, “I embrace the stage.” Yeah, of course you do. Along with expensive face cream, overpriced lip injections and uni-sex fragrances.

Moving on, it’s time to hit your mark (as Emily so obviously does upon walking on to the stage). Thankfully for us all, there is a surprise…. The Muppets! I mean, c’mon we know someone had to save us from the impending doom that is watching these guys “perform.” And if it has to be the most loveable puppets around (no, not you Ames), then so be it.

The guys split up into groups to practice their routines (although after 10 minutes of this date I still had little to no idea what kind of “show” this is). Some will sing (?), some will dance (?), some will tell jokes (?). All the while, Emily will look insanely gorgeous and play the role of “Seriously Adorable Leading Lady.”

Two highlights from the practice session: Tony’s Kermit impersonation and Fozzie’s appearance. God, I love Fozzie bear.

But Fozzie’s triumphant return to the small screen is interrupted by Charlie’s overwhelming fear of public speaking. Does he have a stutter (don’t act like you weren’t thinking that at home)?

This semi-serious moment is corroborated by a look-in at the guys back at the Casa de Douche discussing Charlie’s accident. It’s like watching a guy version of The Hills.

Charlie freaks out and tells Emily there’s no way he can tell jokes about Muppets on stage tonight. Like the sweet angel she is, Emily totally understands. Thankfully, Charlie doesn’t totally b**ch out and offers to take a part in whatever the other two groups are doing (again, is it singing, dancing, acting? so confused).

It’s show time and Bruno Mars, I mean Jef, is super pumped about performing with Kermit. Hit it!

The show mainly consists of Emily wearing cute outfits and swaying to the beat while Kermit and Miss Piggy run around her which, I’m totally cool with. The guys sing (if you want to call it that), dance (if you want to call it that) and tell jokes (if you want to call them that). The definite highlight was Chris Harrsion sitting in for Waldo, well that and Fozzie Bear.

It’s the Muppets! (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

The performance closes with Little Ricky taking the stage (well of course she does, she’s the real star of this show) to sing “Rainbow Connection” with Kermit. The guys all “Oooh” and “Ahhh” over how cute and precious Ricky is while she shoots them death stares in between cute shrugs.

On to the drinking portion of the group date.

It’s time to up the ante (and their BAC) and enjoy a little cocktail hour.

First up, Chicago Chris. I’m not overly enthused although I find him far more appealing than half the guys so let’s see what happens. Drew on the other hand is already ruling him out, “You’re not gonna cut it bud. She’s from CaroooolIIIIInaaaah and she’s definitely not dating some Yankee.” (In case you’re wondering, my husband isn’t a total redneck, only a partial one although judging from that statement the red part may be growing.)

Emily digs Chris cause he’s cute and not showy which in television terms means he’s pretty boring.

Onto Jef, who for some reason Emily REALLY digs. Emily is all self-conscious wondering why Jef hasn’t been picking up what she’s been putting down so far. They both blush as they awkwardly talk about how much they like each other. I hide under the sofa cushions and wonder out loud how Jef managed to escape from One Direction.

In other news, Kalan continues to be creepy, Stevie defies the odds and is still on the show and Aaron is still wearing those hipster science nerd glasses.

But it’s bed time and Emily is through with this nonsense so she slips the rose to Jef and gets out of dodge.

End Scene.

One Night Only: Joe “Come close to my heart.”

Emily is excited for her date with Joe who she thinks looks like Matthew McConaughey. Um Emily, please. He is James Van Der Beek’s long-lost twin.
Anyways, Joe is hype for the date and dons his best plaid shirt since he’s done his research and knows she’s a sucker for a dopey guy in plaid.

He arrives at the airport and you know his mind is racing thinking of all the amazing places they could be heading. Instead, she bursts that bubble with a surprise trip to West Virginia. “Ahhhh Mannnn.”

But Joe gets it together and after a quick stare at Emily in that dress, gets as excited as anyone has ever been to go to West Virginia.

Emily tells Joe she’s taking him to the Greenbrier, a lovely resort where she spent a lot of time growing up. (Really? I’m not buying the whole Greenbrier bit. I’m thinking they came there once on family vacation but who’s to say.)It’s also where she got her “first makeover.”  (I can’t make this stuff up.)

They spend the day wandering around, swimming in the old indoor pool and getting dressed up.

Emily thinks Joe is dreamy and I think Joe is high. But enough about that, it’s dinner time.

Even that guy has secondary embarrassment.

Quick dance break. Back at the sausage factory, the guys sit around the pool and flex. Between sets, Kalan and Doug get into a fight about being a dad. I’m only half paying attention but it boils down to Kalan acting like a dick (obviously) and Doug getting super pissed and really protective of his role as a Dad. Get used to this story line people, it’s definitely going to be a reoccurring one.

Joe sneaks in a quick hit and is ready for an evening with the lovely E. The dinner conversation is painful at best and heinously awkward at worst. Joe treats the date convo like a business meeting he didn’t prepare for and throws out so much jargon I can’t follow his train of thought.

Emily tries to get things back on track by telling him about the love clock and how people put their wishes into it (what, so weird). It seems like at this point she knows that she’s going to get rid of Joe but still makes him go through the process of writing out his feelings for her to place in the clock. As he talks about coming back with Ricky Tick and Emily’s parentals, the SE goosebumps set in and I have to shield my eyes from what’s about to go down.

For whom the clock tolls.

Emily is trying to let Joe down slowly but he’s all, “Is there a but coming?” (That’s what she said.) She tells him he’s not getting the rose and he gets the hell out of there. ABC, not one to put their romantic fireworks to waste, let’s them explode into the air as a representation of how this date imploded.

Side note: I’m going to need Emily to step up her game and not be so damn boring. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 30 times already – I’ve got high hopes for you Emily. Don’t let me down!

Rose Ceremony

It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for… some camera time for Arie. They talk about Scottsdale and he throws in some bit about loving kids. I’m not really paying attention to the words and mostly just trying to soak up his awesomeness for a couple of minutes.

Next up is Ryan, so sneaks in some time with Emily despite already having a rose. This ALWAYS is an issue and the guys are super annoyed. They all tell Tony he should go interrupt. But of course, just as he walks in Ryan presents Emily with a note. And by note, I mean 7 PAGE ESSAY (!!!!) thanking her or declaring his love or something. I thought I liked Ryan but any guy that writes SEVEN pages after one date needs to chill the f out. Either he has the biggest handwriting ever or he needs to spend more time poolside.

Tony is forced to watch on as Emily reads every, single word out loud. WOOF.

Thankfully it ends and Emily, as sweet as ever, makes a joke about the letter and thanks him for sticking around.

I’m not ready to give up on Tony just yet (for some reason I kinda like him) but the way he talks is a little annoying. Mostly the way he said he had a son and how he pronounced “TAAAYYYYLOOOOOR.” But he loves the Muppets, so he’s cool in my book.

The rest of the night includes Kalan being a tool (shocker), Stevie being semi-annoying (double shocker) and Aaron still wearing those lame old glasses.

Rose time.

Doesn’t he know he looks like an idiot in those glasses? (ABC/ANGELINE HERRON)

Ryan & Jef already have roses. Two guys going home….

  • Kalan – BOOO.
  • Arie – YES!
  • Michael
  • Nate – Never saw him this episode.
  • Shawn
  • Chris
  • Doug
  • Travis
  • Tony
  • John aka The Wolf
  • Alessandro
  • Charlie
  • Alejandro

Aaron is SO heated. I might actually care if I didn’t have to look at him in those awful glasses.

  • Stevie. WHAT THE WHAT?

How in the world did Stevie get a rose (oh i know the answer – the producers are drawing out this Stevie/Kalan battle)? Aaron and Kyle are headed home.

Kyle had some bad jokes and Aaron had those bad glasses. Sucks to be them.

Blah, blah, blah… I want to find love. Tears welling, exit to limo.

Get excited friends… next week they go to DOLLYWOOD! Oh and it looks like there’s some drama too. Double Bonus!

What did you all think of this week’s episode? Are you loving Emily? Who’s your favorite? What’s the 411? What are all the cool kids talking about? (Sorry, I couldn’t help but sneak in a Mean Girls reference.)

Until next time… stay tuned!

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“I believe in love and fabulous shoes” and other words of wisdom from Emily. The Bachelorette Season 8 Episode 1 (Premiere) Recap

We’ve been through some hard times lately Bachelor(ette) fans. The back-to-back combo of Ashley and Ben had us reeling a little bit but my hopes are high for this season. And it all hangs on the shoulder of the reason we’re all tuning in…my girl Ricky. Ah, but ABC has decided to play hard to get and try to get us to focus on the “star of the show.” “My name is Emily, I’m 26…” and I have huge boobs, a banging bod and this little human to take care of. Welcome to my quest for love.

A bouquet of balloons float away into space, a visual sign of their dignity floating away as a band of cameramen and douchebags invade their lives. Gah, I forgot how much I love this show.

Ricky & Emily, in their fresh Mommy & Me fits, whip up some pancakes to discuss Mommy’s plans to date 25 guys at once. “I’m thankful for love,” says Ricky. Ricky – I’m thankful for you.

Side note: Emily is hella rich. Her house/ride/wardrobe are all ridiculously nice. But all that nice stuff doesn’t save her from lonely nights spent looking at photo albums in the dark. (p.s. – We all knew that Em, we watched your first turn on ABC.)

But look at the bright side Em, at least you (and more importantly, all of us) don’t have to see Brad. Clearly no one shared that news with Emily though and we have to see her master the art of staring off into space in urban environments. Such a mastered art.

And just like that, Emily is ready to begin her journey for true love because you know, this show is known for its innate ability to find true love for its contestants… Let the douchebaggery begin!

If some camera time for Ricky wasn’t enough to put a smile on your face, Chris Harrison is here ready to turn any frown upside down. Captain Obvious/the most amazingly awesome over-exaggerator of all time gives us some insight on this season, “Emily’s journey isn’t just about finding her soul mate, It’s a quest to find a father for her little girl.”

I’m so excited… I’m so… so scared.(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

The Sneak Peeks:

No season premier would be complete without the little meet and greets with some of the season’s stand-outs. (Haven’t you missed this show? I think Ben may have ruined it a little for us all but it seems like we’re back in action with Emily.)

  • Kalan. With a K. If you were worried about the presence of huge douchebags, you know the guys that make you yell “REALLY? REALLY?” out loud at your TV, than fret no more. Kalan is here and ready to lather on some lip balm and talk about how rich he is. (Sigh*wipes forward in relief). He’s from Houston and ready to sport hipster glasses, talk about himself ad nauseam and generally annoy America. Welcome!
  • Ryan. Just when you thought a little piece of your soul had died watching this show, Ryan is on the scene. Former pro-football player, works with kids, is from Augusta, GA. AND he has a puppy. Winner! This guy seems like a keeper.
  • Didn’t catch this guys name but he sells wood and works on his hard body. Woof. Nuff said.
  • Lerone. ABC’s attempt at diversity is looking to start a family, you know one that includes someone other than himself and his purse pup.
  • David. Ah David. I thought you’d never show up. This singer/songwriter didn’t want to “toot his own horn” (was the pun intended?) but he’s written a lot of great songs about the hunt for love. Judging by his singing abilities, a performance sounds like a one-way ticket to the limo of doom. Prepare for some serious secondary embarrassment beforehand though. (p.s. – I also don’t want to toot my own horn – pun intended – but I totally predicted this guy yesterday.)
  • Charlie. Charlie had a “perfect family, perfect life” until a patio accident left him with some serious injures (chances he raises awareness on deck safety?). No worries though cause he’s back, better than ever, and stretching out every sweater vest this side of the Mississippi. He “may have a head injury, but there’s nothing wrong with [his] heart.” Ah, Charlie. Let’s hope your flare for cheesiness is account of your head injury.
  • Jef.  (Yup, just one ‘F.’) This CEO and modern-day Zach Morris loves jean jackets, poufy hair and providing children with clean drinking water. He’s like the Tom’s of Bottled Water. Not sure about this one.
  • Arie. Arie is a smoking hottie with a talent for racing Indy cars and vapid stars into the distance. I predict he makes it to the final three or better.

And we’re back with the new host of our show… Ricky! (A girl can dream can’t she. But really? How awesome would it be if Ricky was the guest host? Just think about it.)

After approving Mommy’s outfit, Ricky runs back to whoever is babysitting during the quest for love but not before letting Em know that she “looks like a princess.” Agreed.

It’s time. The “night we’ve all been waiting for” (Oh Chris Harrison, how i’ve missed your commentary and penchant for hyperbole and exaggeration) is here. (Maybe I judged CH a little early there, I have kinda been waiting for this for a long time. Damn, I hate it when he’s right.)

From the look on Emily’s face though, this is not the moment she’s been counting down to. Our line leader looks downright petrified. No worries, CH is on the scene. Ready for his fireside chat with Emily where they’ll challenge each other to a starring contest (my money’s on Emily) and reminisce on her time with Brad (hence the starring contest).

After getting the back story on her lost love (again… not trying to be insensitive but c’mon doesn’t everyone know about it now), CH lets America know that Emily runs this shizz and got ABC to come to her in Charlotte. That’s how awesome she is (side note: start counting how many times/drinking every time she says awesome here).

It’s Game Time. Em swallows those neeerrrrvious feelings with a little faith and guidance from her spirit guide CH and it’s official, she’s ready to “let the journey begin.”

Limo Numero Uno 

  • First up it’s Sean whose most notable first impression is an awkward hug and weird walk which he means to be full of swagger but just looks like he has some inner thigh chaffing.
  • David. You know David’s from New York (this is our singer/songwriter) when he says, “Who picked Charlotte, was that your call?”I mean, cause really, why would anyone want to do anything outside of NY and LA. Is there even intelligent life in between? Blech. I hate him already.
  • Doug. Ah that’s his name. Here’s our Single Dad from Seattle. His overly familiar questioning on Ricky Tick seems a bit invasive to me but hey, maybe she digs that.
  • Jackson.  Fitness model. Oh and if that wasn’t bad enough, he gets down on one knee and recites love quotes. Boo.
  • To close out group #1 comes loud Joe from LA. Can’t decide if his enthusiasm is fake or funny. We’ll leave it open for interpretation… for now.
In Summary: Meh. Less than impressed with this first group. This is EMILY for God’s Sake. Let’s get some better talent on here.

No I do not want to see your abs right now! (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Limo Part Deux 
  • Artie. Smoking hot race car driver keeps it simple and sweet. Emily digs it.
  • Kyle. Mostly unremarkable other than being a little too complimentary (I know, I know they all are but saying “you’re in awe” is a little too much for me).
  • Chris. Is it me or does Chris give off a Tim Tebow vibe? Either way ole dude comes in with God on his side and one words of wisdom from his pops. Emily kinda likes it.
  • Aaron. Cute (even in the nerdy hipster glasses – thank god those things were part of the gag… or were they?) but kinda ruins it when he says,  “I’m a high school biology teacher but I’m here to have chemistry with you.”
  • Alessandro aka Brazilian guy. If he wasn’t from Brazil, I would for sure think he was a backwater auto mechanic. Not sure how I feel about the Brazil/Minnesota combo on this guy. Where will he take her for hometowns? (Yeah right, this dude ain’t making hometowns). Oh and Emily – they speak Portuguese in Brazil but I’ll forgive you cause you’re just so darn cute.
In Summary: MUCH BETTER. There is some potential in this group and no outstandingly awful douche bags. My hopes are up (although I’m sure they will be crushed by the passengers in the next limo).
Limo III 
  • And just like that, Jef (with one f) – aka Zack Morris – scoots in on a motorcycle. If this dude tries to freeze the scene, I will oficially (with one f) freak out.
  • Lerone. Comes in smooth. I think Emily is into it. We’ll see.
  • Stevie (yup, Stevie) coming with a boom box, moon walk and other assorted cliché dance moves. Figures that he’s a “dancer, MC and entertainer.” Add to that his St. Patty’s Day green shirt and you’ve got a double woof on your hands.
  • Charlie. Full of charm and dripping in southern manners (yup, that was a “yes ma’am” you heard), this guy has got it in the bag (that is if his jacket doesn’t explode under the pressure of his muscles first).
  • Prince Charming. I missed this guy’s name as I covered my eyes and hid from the embarrassment of hearing someone call himself “Prince Charming.” Emily did have the line of the night with this guy though, “I believe in love and fabulous shoes.” Truth.

You seriously want me to wear a shoe you bought at Wet Seal? Uh, No. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

P.S. – If you’re drinking while watching, you should definitely be drinking every time one of the guys says Emily “looks amazing.” If you’ve already started, you’re more than likely not to remember anything after this point in the episode.
In Summary: Don’t any of these guys have friends back home? You know, the friends that ride you out mercilessly when you trip going up the stairs? The kind of friends that wouldn’t let you live down that “Prince Charming” or “MC Stevie” routine?  The friends that should text you and say “Dude, you looked like a total tool on national TV last night.” Just wondering. Please continue.
Four Loko Limo 
  • Things go from bad to worse when Mrs. Doubtfire emerges from the limo. I mean, why wouldn’t Emily be impressed by a dude dressed like a Grandma? These introductions are way more awkward, horrible and full of secondary embarrassment than I could ever have imagined. Where do they find these people?
  • Nate. Plays it cool which is probably why I can’t remember his face. Sorry about that Nate but I applaud your boringness.
  • Brent. All I can see are his weird hands, big mole and dorky name tag.
  • John aka “Wolf.” Cute guys with a horrible nickname, let’s drop that one, K? Drew chimes in with this food for thought, ” Cocky dork that came into his looks later in life.” and with that he returns to reading golf magazines and having ADD.
  • Travis aka The Egg Guy. Yeah, this guy brings a giant egg that he says represents Ricky and Emily. He will protect the egg like he will protect them. Gag. Please please please stop with this madness.
In Summary: Emily must have already eliminated at least 10 of these guys based on their horrible, horrible, devastatingly embarrassing entrances. She’s also got to be a little pissed at ABC for sending some of these jokesters.

Bless your heart and that cone head. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Cinco de Limo
  • Michael. Michael has long hair. That is all.
  •  Jean-Paul. Other than being a little awkward, he seems mildly normal, if not a little nerdy. Definitely will get canned.
  • Alejandro. (In my head, all I can hear is Lady Gaga’s voice saying his name). Note to all future contestants: Being a douche bag sounds WAY better in spanish.
  • Ryan. This is the dude. He’s cute and sincere enough to pull off the cheesy but sweet sign. Officially (with two f’s) my favorite (maybe a tie with Arie for now).
  • And now, for the title of Ultimate Grand Supreme Douche Bag (comes with a crown, sash and puppy), coming in on the ABC method of choice (although Emily’s least favorite method of transport): Kalan. Emily hated him before he even got out of the helicopter but once she saw his plastic face, glossed up lips and heinous expensive garb – it was a done deal. Listening to her try to stand his presence and pretend that he’s not the biggest tool she’s ever seen was comical. Obviously, Kalan is this season’s Bentley/Courtney.
In Summary: Oh Lord. Thank the big guy upstairs (in the control room) for throwing Ryan in the mix. If not, this group would be a lost cause.
Party Time!
Helicopter Dude (that is his new name, given to him by the dudes not me – for the record) walks in and gets a serious stare down from every dude there. And like any true self-centered douche, he breaks the ice with an insult, “I saw you all from above.” Kill him… NOW!
With a quick pat on the back, CH sets Emily loose in the lion’s den… and so it begins with a champagne toast, obvi. (No really, there were dudes sipping on champagne.)

Wait, your name really only has one F?(ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Highlights:

  • Chris sits Emily down and presents her with bobble heads of themselves. Creepy right? Emily’s enthusiasm has me questioning myself.
  • Emily thinks it’s a “lot of fun having guys pull you one way or the other.” Especially since that doesn’t happen to her at the grocery store. Well, I think at the grocery store that would be considered assault. Just saying.
  • Jef hopes that Emily isn’t impressed by all the material things and instead is into drinking bottled water, sitting by streams and blow drying each others hair. Shockingly, Emily finds him “super cool.” And says that he makes her “feel like a nerd.” In what universe is that possible?
  • The Seattle Single Dad hits a home run with a note from his son Austin (who has way more game than his pops). Well played Austin.

How is this not creepy?ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

CH drops in the first impression rose and the guys start clamoring for affection obviously realizing that their lame introduction embarrassments aren’t enough to secure them a spot on Emily’s quest for love.
  • Helicopter Guy pulls Emily aside in an attempt to not seem like the biggest diva in the house. But a couple of minutes in, she’s “stolen” by Shawn. This move is applauded by all the other dudes, especially MC Stevie.
  • Arie kills it in his one-on-one with Emily and I’m hoping she is going to give him the first impression rose after confessing about his career in racing. She doesn’t but you can tell she’s into him and we all agree when she says “He’d be hot in a race car.”
  • Side note: It’s gotta be like 3 am and she still looks ah-maz-ing. I’d be pissed if she wasn’t the cutest thing ever.
First impression rose goes to Austin’s Dad. p.s. – If you’ve been drinking every time she says “awesome” you’re drunker than a bachelor contestant at the first night cocktail party.

How did I get here? (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Rose Time!

Emily is happy the producers totally didn’t sell her out and found at least a couple of dudes she’d be cool introducing to Ricky-Tick. Let’s see who it could be…

  • Chicago Chris.
  • Ryan – Duh.
  • Kalan. Oh man. Is this a blessing or a curse?
  • Arie. Smoking hottie race car driver.
  • Charlie. Yup.
  • Jef. With one F.
  • Nate.
  • Shawn.
  • Joe.
  • Kyle.
  • Aaron.
  • Alejandro. The Latin Love (from Columbia not Portugal).
  • John.
  • Alessandro. The Latin Lover part deux.
  • Michael. Oh no, come on Emily. Hair guy?
  • Stevie. What the what? is she on crack with these last few picks?
  • Tony. Gah, that guy had been panicking.
  • FINAL ROSE. You know how I know, cause CH came out and let us know. What would we do without him?
  • Travis.

Man, poor Lerone didn’t even stand a chance this season. I know a lot of people say it but when is ABC gonna embrace a little diversity. Mostly I’m bummed because he seemed pretty legit other than the tiny pup. Also, I’m kinda sad we won’t get a chance to know 20,000 leagues under the sea Jean-Paul.

Oh well, he guys do the walk of shame to the chirping of sweet morning birds as they board a limo of crushed dreams. But enough of that sadness…

“Cheers to finding love in Charlotte.”

From the previews… Looks like Emily does her fair share of open mouth kissing. Also, as expected, lots of hanging with Ricky, crying, man crying, drama, fab locals and CH. What more could a girl ask for. I’ve got my hopes up for this season. I’m thinking the dark days of Ashley and Ben are far behind us!

What did you all think?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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The Bachelorette Premiere: The moment we’ve all been waiting for…

… my return to blogging! Okay, I know that’s more than a bit of a stretch. Let’s try that over.

Don’t make me regret this ABC. (Image: ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

… the return of The Bachelorette! More importantly, sweet sweet Emily’s debut as the lady in charge. Not gonna lie, I’m pretty pumped although a bit nervous at the same time. Chris Harrison says this season will be “drastically different.” Let’s explore that thought.

  • Will there be  boat load of total douches? Yes for sure.
  • Will their unmatched talent for douchebaggery be fully exploited by the mild-mannered, super classy, single-mom? My guess, no.
  • Will there still be tons of hot-tubbing? Doubtful.
  • Will there be at least one singing (or rapping) contestant? The odds are ever in our favor.
  • Will there be competitions/battle royals to win Emily’s affection? Yes please!

  • Will Ricky Tick (don’t act like you’re not excited to have that little munchkin back on the scene) lay the smack down? Definitely.

  • Will Emily be the best dressed Bachelorette in ages? Let’s hope the evil satin monster doesn’t get a hold of her and force her into some red, satin number (I’m looking at you Chantal – I’ll never forget. Never.). Ah, who am I kidding? Even if they did force er into something unfortunate, she’d still look ah-maz-ing.

Side note, I’ve said this before but I feel it needs reiterating. I stopped reading Reality Steve a couple of seasons ago since his comment policy is totally crappy and not supportive of other bloggers. Long story short, I don’t read his spoilers and I won’t be posting any of them here. That doesn’t mean I’m against spoilers, I just don’t read his.

Anyways, let’s all try to make it through one last day before an intense case of secondary embarrassment takes over for the next 12 weeks.

Here’s a little sneak peek to get you in the Bachelorette mood!

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