We made it folks. Yes, you may have thought Brad’s season was awkward, Ashley’s embarrassing and slightly boring but Ben definitely took the cake in terms of sheer boredom. Tonight’s episode was no different. Instead of the most controversial season of The Bachelor (Oh the Hyperbole!) I’d prefer to rename it the most epically boring of all time.
This is all to let you know that if this recap is boring, it’s not my fault.
Let’s do it. (Which may or may not be what Ben said to the ladies in the fantasy suites.)
The battle is on for who will get to spend
forever the next three months with Ben “Shaggy” Flajnik. We begin with the standard contemplative walking/packing/wandering aimlessly shots accompanied by insanely cheesy voice over soundbites like “I never thought my amazing love story would end here.” and “That great big Matterhorn gives me hope.” Yes he said that. (Do they give them a lesson in speaking like Hallmark cards before taping? I honestly do not know a single soul who speaks like this in real life.)
In Lindzi’s solo I think she realizes the sheer absurdity of filming her stroll through the streets (which I love about her) but Courtney, of course, embraces the absurdity and decides to stop and pet a kitty in the street (probably some poor soul she put a spell on).
Just when I thought the madness was ending, I hear the first notes of “This Year’s Love” and I want to weep for David Gray and the fact that it’s come to this for him. Shilling out a perfectly good song to be the theme for Ben the Bachelor’s quest for love.
Just the Gals
We begin the boredom with the meet and greet with Ben’s momma bear Barb and seester Jules. Jules looks almost scarily similar to Shawntel which continues to creep me out every moment she’s on the screen. Jules and Ben are big time besties but Jules is no idiot and she’s ready to bring the heat.
First up… Lindzi.
Lindzi, like the little tan shining star she is, wins over Barb & Jules quickly with her sweet, slightly awkward demeanor. Add in some serious gushing on Ben to his mom and she’s in like Flynn. Not gonna lie, I get a little uncomfortable with her constant professing of her love but when I consider the alternative to little Lindz, I immediately forgive her for her faults. (I also have the same jacket she’s wearing at this meeting – it’s from Banana Republic – so I can’t hate on her too much.)
When she has her face time with Jules, she wins her over despite the heavy liner and orangy tan that the seriously judgy Jules keeps eying disdainfully. Once Jules feels like they are gal pals, she does what any girl does with a friend – she talks shit. Jules is all break it down for me…. Who did everyone hate? Lindzi tries to maintain her saccharine sweet image and beats around the bush before breaking down that Courtney was the house’s resident evil bitch. Looks like Jules is on our side. Glad to have you on the team.
It appears that despite the unfortunate chin acne, Lindzi has won over the ladies in Ben’s life. The gratuitous butt shot as she walks away shows that even the producers like her better.
Always saving the worst for last…. Courtney.
So Jules is ready to get her grill on with Courtney. She’s not down with the whole “I’m a model” thing. (I know this is all false hope but I’m clinging to anything at this point.)
For this little family gathering, it appears Ben and his mom have decided to pull a little mommy & me look with matching sweater coats. Precious.
One thing that is NOT precious – Courtney’s baby voice. You know the one she uses AT ALL TIMES with Ben (definitely not the evil tone she takes when accosting all the other girls). I cannot stand it. This episode it gets so bad that I almost quit watching.
When she says “I will be on my best behavior,” in her slightly bitchy and condescending tone I want to smack her. Not exactly sure why but I just do.
So after a quick sit down with the whole gang, she and Jules escape to the balcony where I’m hoping Jules pushes her over the rails. Instead, she let’s Courtney do her best victim impression and then, much to my surprise, TOTALLY BUYS IT. Courtney got all, “They were SO mean to me. They didn’t like me. They were intimidated by me.” which made me want to vom but totally won over Jules. Man, I thought you were on our team.
Don’t worry, once she sees that skinny dipping clip, she’ll change her mind.
After a quick one on one with Momma Flajnik where Courtney uses her 7-year-old girl voice and compliments Ben for a full 10 minutes, the little family get together is over. And rather than Courtney crawling back to her chateau in shambles, she is one step closer to victory. Boo.
The Last Picnic(s)
Throughout this season (and the many before), we’ve seen the importance of the picnic. Turns out that a blanket, a basket full of champagne and a couple snacks is how to find true love in this world. Maybe that’s what more people need to be doing – renting helicopters and packing picnics. Beware Match.com, the picnic is coming for you.
First Feast – Lindzi.
The date with Lindzi is just a ploy to eliminate conversation, they are going skiing on the Matterhorn. It is clear from their first rendezvous that he won’t be picking her. But none the less, they hop in a giant gondola and head up to the top of the mount.
Obviously, the gondola is prepared for an impromptu picnic. It appears to upset Ben since he will actually have to talk to Lindzi rather than getting in a few gropes before sending her home. He attempts to string words together but all we get is “You and the Matterhorn combined is pretty incredible.”
No but really, you can totally tell when Ben is going to get rid of someone because he freezes up and just says “Yeah” while awkwardly nodding to every question/comment/fart.
After the always awkward exchange of “I love you,” + “umm… thank you” + kiss, we are ready to ski.
Skiing is where Ben gets to get handsy with Lindzi just to make sure he doesn’t want to
keep pick her. I will give Ben credit here since it appears that he’s pretty legit skier.
After a few cutesy skiing scenes, it’s time for “dinner.”
Lindzi opens up the door like she hasn’t scene Ben in months, c’mon girlfriend, it’s been like 90 minutes. This enthusiasm carries over into every aspect of the night and shit gets awkward pretty quick.
Really, the majority of the night is spent with Lindzi gushing on and on about her feelings for Ben while he awkwardly responds like she told him she got a dog. ‘That’s great.” he repeats ad nauseum.
At this point it is painfully obvious that he doesn’t pick her. But who is Ben to turn down a little open mouth kissing and over the clothes petting, especially when it’s done in the open air. So he and Lindzi enjoy some last kisses as she strokes his long, long hair. Woof.
Our Last Moments with Courtney.
One thing that makes me happy about this episode is the fact that I never have to watch this evil wench or this boring nerd do forced activities ever again. But before that I must struggle through one final helicopter + picnic date. You’d think Yogi Bear was a producer on this show with the number of pic-a-nic’s they go on. But I digress.
Courtney begins with one of the quick jabs she’s become known for, “Ben has a lot of depth and I just never saw that with Lindzi.” Oh Courtney, you really are such a nice person. How could I have ever gotten the wrong impression.
Ben does a little happy dance as he lets Courtney know that it will be “Me, you and a helicopter!” on this excursion. If this show was a sporting event, there would be all sorts of statistics and winning percentages equated with the number of helicopter rides. I’m thinking that you definitely can’t win a championship without a veteran helicopter rider.
Unfortunately for us all, Ben doesn’t push Courtney out but instead gets all lovey dovey on their ride through the Alps. Lots of “oohs” and “ahhhs” later (eww, not like that), they arrive on a snowy mountainside for their last picnic. Seriously? Why the F are they having a picnic in the snow? Who is ever like, “I would love to go and eat in the freezing cold and wet, frozen snow.” Not no one.
Well not no one until the evil Ice Queen Courtney. It appears that she only functions at her best in icy conditions.
The conversation is spent how all conversations with Courtney are spent, with her talking about herself and “how hard” this has been on her. Blech. Get me out of here. Since he’s under her spell, he gets all googly eyed listening to her complaints. I want to yank him by his nappy hair straight back to the helicopter.
After this blech fest, it’s dinner time. ABC has cued up the epic love music so we all know how this ends. Courtney decides to exclusively use her baby voice this episode while they enjoy a fondue feast. Woof. Woof. Woof.
“It’s hard for me to express my emotions,” she opines as I yell at the TV that it hasn’t been hard for her to be a rude, condescending bia all season. This is followed byhe presentation of a scrap book filled with screen shots of their “journey.” What is it about this show that compels people to make scrap books? I just don’t get it. Do the producers make them for them to induce SE in all of us? So many questions. So few answers.
One insanely sappy love letter later and my stomach has all but rejected my dinner and I’m counting down til this shizz is over.
Courtney uses the magic word, “vulnerabe” and the deal is sealed with an open mouth kiss. Obviously.
For our sanity (and to allow you more time to read stuff about the Hunger Games premier online), I am going to gloss over the cheesy montages that have become staples of the show. Just know that this is the order:
- Ben’s Lindzi memories montage.
- Ben’s Courtney memories montage.
- Lindzi’s Ben memories montage.
- Courtney’s Ben memories montage.
Ben sits down for his 5 minute
commercial consultation with Neil Lane where he picks out a pretty beautiful sparkler. It makes my heart hurt that I know it’s going on Courtney’s hand.
Side note: In the sheer boredom of this episode, Drew has taken to following Emily, Kacie B, Blakely and some other assorted Bachelor characters on twitter. He spends the rest of the show giving me their play-by-play.
It’s proposal time so in theory the girls are supposed to put on the prettiest dresses they’ve ever seen/worn for what could be their “moment.” Courtney, it appears has been reading the blog and decides to go with her favorite Disney villan for her look – Cruella da Ville. She’s got the dress, the cape (yes, I said cape), the gloves and the crazy eyes. All she’s missing is the streak of white hair. That can be arranged.
Lindzi, on the other hand, has thrown on a bandeau tankini and pairs it with a skirt made of crow feathers top with a peacock green cloak (yup, there were two cloaks) Who is dressing these girls? Courtney’s Cruella I can understand, but making Lindzi look like this when they knew what was going to go down. That’s just mean.
Courtney hops in the helicopter sporting her best surprised/excited/ready to give a BJ face. Lindzi on the other hand is a big ball of nerves.
CH is on the scene, looking fly as ever, to accompany the girls down the gravel path that awaits their
Lindzi’s up first, which we all know means she loses. I feel the secondary embarrassment panic start to set in and Drew hides under the blankets. Her excited voice-over only makes it worse since we all know Ben won’t be getting down on one knee. She may have had false hope when she saw Ben’s matching spray tan but that hope was quickly squashed.
She arrives and the verbal diarrhea begins. ‘Great to see you. How are you? I’m so excited to be here with you…” I reply with a loud “AHHHHHH” at the TV followed by a quick “Please please just make it stop.”
When Ben can finally get a word in edgewise, he drops the bomb. “I’ve fallen in love with you …. BUT (there’s always a but)… I need these moments to last a lifetime. I’ve fallen in love with someone else.”
So there it is. Just like that little Lindzi is dunzo. But I knew I liked this girl because she takes a deep breath, regains her composure, keeps her dignity intact (with the exception of that “If it doesn’t work out, call me” line) and heads back in the heli.
No ugly crying. No emotional outbursts. Just a quick goodbye. And just like that, she’s gone.
Courtney is ready for her moment, I mean why wouldn’t she be, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people” she says with a straight face. She says she “feels like I can trust him and possibly love him forever.” Yeah definitely.
Courtney hops out of the limo, pushes CH out of the way and sprints to the finish line ready to claim her 4 carat prize.
Standing in front of the Alps, Ben gets all sappy talking about how
much he’s been fooled by in love he is. He’s known it for a long time and he’s in love. Courtney is his “forever.”
At this Courtney gives the fakest surprised look, ditches that long ass glove and claims her victory with arms raised in the air.
They seal the deal with a kiss and Courtney’s promise, “I will love you forever.” Which in reality TV time means for 2 months until he cheats on her with three girls in one weekend. Ahh, young love.
And just like that the boring dude and the crazy, selfish chick have made it official (for now).
Well what did you think? Did you hate it as much as me? Are you just counting down until Emily on The Bachelorette? Do you want more SE on a regular basis? Don’t leave me hanging!
Not going to lie, I’m pretty thrilled this season is over. There have been some highs but mostly lows. I’m ready for lots of little Ricky Tick, some southern charm and a couple predictable NASCAR dates.
Until next time… stay tuned!