Monthly Archives: February 2012

“I love this country, it’s my destiny.” Getting Swiss Cheesy with Ben. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 9 Recap

Grab your favorite scarf  and apres-ski outfit (which if you’re a contestant on this show means a bikini), we’re going to Switzerland.

Ben is hype for the last stop on his love “journey.” In his EXACT words,  “I love this country, it’s my destiny.”

So let’s determine that destiny. He’s got three “amazing” women left and it’s time for old Benny boy to make a decision. But like countless Bachelorette’s before him he’s paralyzed by the fear of not making the right decision (the first wrong decision was coming on this show, after that it was all downhill. There’s no point in trying to stop it now).

As Ben packs up his henley tees and cardigans, he ponders who will make the best match.

Is it Nicki? A “warm and loving woman… Kind of a dark horse.” And he’s not just talking about her tan.

Or  could it be Lindzi? This half city/half country little lady is also not too tan to be the mother of his children. “I had premonitions of life with children with Lindzi.” Was premonitions really the best word to use there Ben? I think not.

Or is it the Evil Love Monster Courtney?  Blech. Having to watch this montage of Courtney is making me a little nauseous. “I like that she’s a little bit nerdy,” Ben says. Um, nerdy? Is that what the kids are calling slutty these days? “She’s exciting, spontaneous…” and a little crazy, an evil hag and a fake fame seeker (can you tell I’m a fan?). The only redeeming part of this little compilation is the focus on her evil reign. Cheers to that.

So enough of the past, let’s get to the present. We’re in Interlaken, Switzerland. A “majestic and magical” place. The perfect place for Courtney to end her journey as the Evil Queen. I can see her watching from her mountainside castle now.

Ben sports his snuggest leather jackets as he meanders through the empty streets of Interlaken hunting for Nicki. (Who was thankful there wasn’t a repeat of last year’s street scene with Ashley Hebert frozen as the crowd moves wildly around her? Just me? Okay then.)

Date #1: Nicki

He finally stumbles upon Nicki who is predictably HYPE.

She agrees that Switzerland is the “perfect place to be in love.” Which infuriates me because there is not an acre in this great world that these fools wouldn’t think was perfect for love as long as a cameras was pointed in their general direction.

I end my rant to see that on this date they’ll be using the standard mode of transportation on this show, the helicopter. (Planes. Check. Trains. Check. Automobiles? No way, not on the Bachelor. Helicopters only.)

Ben acts like this is the first helicopter ride he’s ever experienced (yeah right, it’s like your 19th) and does this:

Yes, that happened. There are no words to describe it or the secondary embarrassment I experienced while watching that. I felt I would be doing a huge disservice to anyone who reads this to not highlight that “dance” move.

So into the helicopter they go. Don’t even try to act like Ben didn’t choose the helicopter date for Nicki because it prohibits her ability to talk non-stop. Seriously, Ben knew that he couldn’t even try to get a word in edge-wise when they’re face-to-face. This way he can enjoy a five-minute break from her rambling on about her love for him.

I get momentarily excited when it appears that their helicopter is crashing but instead they land on a cliff for, you guessed it, a picnic.

Such a standard Bachelor date. Helicopter + Picnic. All we need is a hot tub and we’ll be three for three.

We're going on a bear hunt...

The entire picnic is spent with Nicki jabberboxing about how much she loves Ben and how much her family loves Ben while he looks at her and nods. One look at his face and you can tell he’s letting Nicki go this episode. He is clearly bored out of his mind. It basically goes like this: Feelings, Feelings, Feelings, I love you, Feelings, Family, I love you, Open Mouth Kissing to stop the blabbering.

End Scene.

It’s dinner time which on this episode just means the awkward time before Ben slips the fantasy suite (aka it’s time to get it on) card. Tonight’s date is in a log cabin which Nicki loves so much that she lets out a little horsey squeal.

They talk about when Nicki will move to Sonoma and how many kids they’d like to have (how about none please) but I can’t pay attention to anything other than Ben’s zip up, button up, latch up sweater. Seriously, how many options are on that sweater? A zipper, buttons and latches. TOO MUCH.

The conversation regarding kids leads Ben straight to the fantasy suite drop and he asks her “What do you think?” which is code for “Do you want to have sex with me?” She, of course, replies yes and it’s on.

Ben, still emotionally unavailable and vacant with Nicki, takes her back for a champagne fueled night of getting it on. (Yes, I just said getting it on and yes a little piece of my soul just died.)

And if you were wondering when the hot tub would come into play, well here you go. They hop in and we’re, thankfully, cut off from this sinking ship.

Hot Tub Numero Uno. Check!

Date #2: Lindzi

Lindzi arrives and proceeds to provide us with one of the more awkward entrances. Nothing like a weird wave and then the dreaded run, jump, twirl entrance. Ugh, I hate it.

Today’s date is a surprise for both Ben and Lindzi. Yup, the producers broke out an oldie but a goodie with a little rappelling. Usually this is reserved for a group date in the jungle where the girls claw each others eyes out for a chance to rappel alongside their man, but alas, we’ll have to settle for it here… with Ben.

Since this date involves heights, they are predictable totally “freaked out.” They discuss their fears and then collectively decide to conquer them before conquering each other later in the fantasy suite.

Any chance you two can make it all the way down without kissing?

Are you serious? No, definitely not.

They both don’t really want to participate so Drew asks “Why are they doing it then?” Um, come on hun. We’ve been watching this for months now. They’ve surrendered control of their lives to the producers at ABC. If they don’t do it, they’re just going to push them over anyways.

So they rope up and prepare for decent. They are acting like this it’s so scary and that they are “free-falling” but to me it just looks like they are inching, VERY SLOWLY, down a rope. Lame.

They make it back to the bottom where they embrace, kiss and then Ben proceeds to wipe off the self-tanner that has rubbed onto his face.

That madness ends and what do we see, why another hot tub of course. The hot tub is the perfect place for them to “discuss their feelings” while doing a little under water groping. (Don’t act like that’s not happening.)

This is where the vulnerable drinking game commences. Lindzi tells Ben that she has made the “Ice Queen Melt” not sure who she’s talking about since I’m pretty sure she’s acted like a 12-year-old cheerleader hyped up on pixie sticks since the day she arrived, but hey, what do I know.

She’s put up a wall but Ben has allowed her to be vulnerable. Yes, I was able to explain it by using the word once. Unfortunately for all viewers, she needed to use the word 12532 additional times to get the point across.

During the hot tub, Lindzi hopes to be able to tell Ben she loves him. Instead all she can do is spit out “I’m loving this” to the tune of the McDonald’s jingle.

Hot Tub Numero Dos. Check!

Oh well, Ben doesn’t care and let’s us know he has “an invitation to give to Lindzi” (Uh duh Capt. Obvious) because “we both need to get to a vulnerable state.” Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I think you all know the vulnerable state he’s talking about and I suggest you not picture it in your mind.

It’s dinner time which means lots and lots of sexual innuendo before they get to the sex card.

They race through their meal and Lindzi pretends to act excited when Ben drops the envelope on the table. Lindzi tries to pretend she’s a good girl but puts up very little fight when she sees that key. “I never let myself be vulnerable… the best way to come out of this is to be completely open to be.” Not sure if that makes sense (swear, it’s a direct quote) but I think it means she’s planning on going all the way. Blech.

A side note on this date: You can definitely tell that Ben likes Lindzi WAY more than Nicki. I know this because I spot at least one recognizable emotion on his face as she talks.

They arrive at the suite and Lindzi, like the rocket scientist she is, proclaims “It’s a fantasy of a suite.” REALLY? Yeah DUH! It’s a fantasy suite. Oh Lindzi… and I wanted to like you.

Each of them says vulnerable at least 3 more times and it’s go time. “I didn’t think she was in a place to fully open up to me,” says Ben. But we all know that she is definitely ready to open up to him now (sorry that was so gross, I couldn’t help it).

Cue the over dramatic music and we’re out.

So that's what happens in the fantasy suite.

Date #3: Courtney

I think it should be noted that my hate for Courtney has caused me to stop paying total attention on her dates. Apologies in advance.

This is the first time Courtney and Ben have been together since their faux wedding. Will there be a little awkwardness at first  (and I’m not talking about the awkward run up)? Will Courtney call him her husband (it’s totally within the realm of possibilities)? Will he push her off one of the Alps (okay, I know that one’s a stretch)?

Help! Help! I need you to believe that I'm vulnerable...

... so I can rip out your heart for a prime spot in my evil lair.

Today’s date is a train ride to a little village where they’ll be going on a, wait, don’t say it, I’m gonna let you guess it…. PICNIC!

“Come with me and all aboard,” says Ben (yes, I know it doesn’t really make total sense but they are his words, not mine). This is a phrase he’s practicing before tonight’s fantasy suite action.

The train takes them straight to “fairytale land.” Which I love since I have been comparing Courtney to a fairy tale evil monster/ogre/hideous queen since day one. But it also frightens me a little since I’m afraid she may take control of the village and put them under some spell where they’ll all turn into leprechauns and she’ll use them to do her bidding (woah, that got weird. Note to self: stop watching Once Upon a Time).

That kind of weirdness is what happens when they are talking because honestly, I stop listening.

In my humble opinion, this date is woof. I wish they were pushing her off a cliff instead of watching these two losers shopping and waltzing down the street.

They settle in for an afternoon of listening to Courtney talk about herself. “I’m so happy I hung in there. It’s been rough for me some times.” Shocker, it’s all about Courtney all the time.

A quick game of “Hey Cow” and it’s back to talking about Courtney. “I feel bad that it wasn’t easier for me,” she says as she attempts to bite off her lower lip. “I tried really hard to be nice with them.” Wait what? If that was trying hard, I’d hate to see what “not giving a shit” looks like.

After a fake apology and some fake off-screen crying, Ben is convinced that she’s just a sweet girl and not the big bad wolf we all know she is inside.

Make. IT. STOP! PLEASE!!!!

It’s time for part deux and we know that there’s still a small amount of tension because ABC has cued up Track 6 on the season soundtrack, titled “Concerned, Worried and yet… Hopeful.” Yes, it’s a complex, emotional piece.

Maybe it’s cause I hate Courtney, or maybe’s it’s cause Ben has zero personality on-screen, or maybe it’s because Courtney attempting to be nice is insanely boring but I can’t keep my eyes open on this snooze fest.

There’s some more fake apologizing and something about her being immature and then it’s fantasy suite time. Ben in his overly eager way spits out “I know how I feel about it but I want to see how you feel about it.” Um, Ben – this is the girl who stalked you to go skinny dipping with her on date three. I’m pretty sure she’s game for a little fantasy suite action.

And they’re off to their itty bitty hot tub where they open mouth kiss while I cover my eyes and attempt to control my gag reflex.

“I just feel so lucky cause Ben is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” BLECH.

Hot Tub Numero Tres. Check!

YAY FOR EMILY

Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, sweet sweet Emily steps in to save the day. It is well-documented that I freaking love Emily. Not sure how that will translate here but I imagine I will be a little protective and extremely hostile to all the douches trying to get at her.

This little cut in is a four minute commercial for Titanic (I’m not complaining) along with a little publicity boost for ole Ashley and Alli.

They play dress up (during which Ashley says she didn’t think JP was hot at first – um… LIAR!) and then head off in their tightest cocktail attire and tallest stilettos to watch a screening of Titanic in 3D. As they fake eat popcorn, they discuss how searching for love on the Bachelorette is just like losing your true love on a tragic ship accident. Sorry, I get really defensive when it comes to Titanic. Here’s a little secondary embarrassment for you all, I saw Titanic 6 times in the movie theater. Yup 6 times. Sorry for loving Leo.

But I digress, so the girls tell Emily that she deserves to find her one true love, just like Rose. But try not to let him drown at the end after you hog the piece of driftwood just for yourself while he freezes and dies. Woah Woah Woah. Sorry, I did it again.

And we’re back to Ben.

That little interlude is over and Kacie B. is back. Not one single soul should have been surprised to see her. But of course, Ben is and after a lot of awkward cursing, he invites her in.

Ole girl just needed a little closure and wants to know what she did wrong. Basically, Ben let’s her know that her Dad totally freaked him out and then he didn’t see himself being a part of her life. I can’t hate here since her Dad was super controlling and I wouldn’t want to see him at holidays either.

What are you doing here? No rose means no rose. I thought I made that pretty clear.

This whole encounter is AWKWARD. I start to get serious secondary embarrassment when they just stare at each other in silence. This is so weird. Okay she needs to either drop some truth or leave cause this is making me want to jump behind my couch

She finally pipes in with a rant on Courtney. “I feel like if you choose [her] you will get your heart-broken.” Ben is visibly annoyed and yells “PROVE IT!” Okay that didn’t happen but it would have been a lot cooler if he had. She gives one single example and then Ben shuts this madness down.

She leaves and proceeds to lay down on the floor outside his room. WHAT THE WHAT is happening here? Couldn’t someone have been like, “Um Kacie, there’s a whole couch like 15 feet away from you.”

She gets all sad and wonders what will happen as I yell at the screen “You’re 24. You have a great body. Just keep crazy under control and you’ll be fine.”

I think it's about time you get the h out of here. No but for real. Like for good. No but don't come back.

Rose Time.

A confused Ben sits down with CH to hash it out. It this point I wish CH would just get real with Ben and let him know about Courtney’s bitch moves. Instead, he tries to get him to bring back Kacie B. – passive aggressive, I like it. You know that CH is just sitting there thinking that Ben is a total buffoon for falling for the planted actress but oh well. He just sits back, chugs his bourbon and water and waits for it all to end.

Roses go to…

  • Lindzi. She definitely had to be first pick in that dress. That bandage dress was way hotter than those frumpy numbers.

Who will it be? I want it to be Nicki but I know it will be Courtney.

Cue the ominous church bells.

  • Courtney. BLECH.

BOOOOOOOO. We’re just one step closer to that evil wench winning.

Adios Nicki.

Bless Poor Nicki’s Heart. I’ll give her credit with going out in style. Not like Kacie B and that horrible crying madness. No weird sobbing or question asking.

“I feel kinda like a fool for falling so hard and so fast,” she says. Yeah, Nicki – that’s true. But at least you realize the errors of your ways. You’ll be fine, just don’t go on Bachelor Pad. There’s no place for you in those shenanigans.

Next week, the reunion. Are you pumped? I am but I just wish Courtney would be there so the other girls could verbally assault her.

Oh well. Until next time… stay tuned!

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Dear US Weekly, Please stop putting Courtney on the cover. Yours truly, Danielle

I don’t know about you all but I love me some US Weekly. No way am I paying cover price for my weekly dose of celebrity gossip – I subscribe so that is delivered to my doorstep for my reading pleasure. But lately I’ve been a little disappointed with the fine folks at my favorite publication. The source of my disappointment is one Courtney Robertson. The same woman who ruins my Monday evenings has ruined my Tuesday afternoon mailbox run.

I already know she is a model (you know, cause she told America like 35439857349532490 times), so I don’t need to see any more modeling pics of her. I also don’t really care what her “friends” say about her (although I do like to hear the other girls trashing her). So as a 5-year+ subscriber, I wish the nice people at US would remove her from the cover. I know I will be seeing more of her when she inevitably wins the show but I just was hoping that I’d have more time to mentally prepare.

Of course they had to pick a picture of her with her gaping mouth open. BLECH.


Not gonna lie, I devoured the articles. I was just hoping these would be more sidebar headlines than full-blown covers. No need to puff her over inflated ego up anymore. Some notes: I was a little surprised to find out that she had dug her evil talons into Jim Toth (aka Reese Witherspoon’s hubby). I mean that guy seems like a pretty regular dude, I’m thinking that US Weekly may have used the term “dated” in the loosest way possible. Also, what about this supposed sex tape? They said it was pretty raunchy which made me vom a little.

Anyways, are you ready for tonight? Let’s all collectively pray for no more fake wedding ceremonies. K?

Until tomorrow’s recap… stay tuned!

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Father of the Brides. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 8 Recap

Okay first things first. Apologies are in order on my absence last week. The run-in with my DVR really set me back and I could never get around to watching the first half of last week’s episode. I hope the top ten made up for it a little tiny bit. Anyways, sorry friends about the posting gap but I’m back ready to tackle hometowns.

A quick recap montage voiced over by the ever so lovely CH and it’s straight into the visits. First up…

Lindzi in Ocala – The Horse Capital of Florida (I know they claim the world but as someone who grew up in Florida and now lives in Kentucky, I feel I’m qualified to say that Ocala doesn’t have squat on Lexington when it comes to horses).

So this is the guy that texted you "Welcome to Dumpsville"

I know you all are SHOCKED that Lindzi greets Ben from the saddle of her horse Devin. You know, cause she really hasn’t mentioned horses that much this season. I was happy to find out that Lindzi is originally from Florida mostly because it explains the love of tanning. The whole Seattle thing really had me thrown off. Consider the universe at peace again.

Since Lindzi’s character on this show only involves two things – horses and being tan – she decides to showcase the more impressive of the hobbies and teaches Ben how to drive a carriage.

Confession: For all her weird horsey-ness and serious tanning issues (oh and don’t get me started on the eye liner), Lindzi isn’t so bad. Dare I say, she may be my favorite of the final four.

After a quick ride, Ben & Lindz sit down for their picnic (why why why does this show love outdoor dining so much?) where our girl decides to get a little emotional. She breaks down her feelings for Ben showing him, in his words, “a soft side, a sweet side.” Ben’s digging it (and I’m digging the lack of frizz in his hair – must be winter in FL) and is ready to meet the folks.

Lindzi awkwardly sits in his lap and shows the way home. In true Southern fashion, Margie & Harry are sitting outside enjoying some sweet tea. Unfortunately for them, the nice gentleman their one and only daughter is bringing home has been “making out” with 15+ girls the last three weeks.

Lindzi’s Pops offers Ben some chilled chardonnay and then challenges him to a carriage race around the backyard (but not before her hippie parents confess to getting married at City Hall in San Fransisco. I’d say I was surprised but that would be a lie since I already saw Margie’s hair).

Not gonna lie, Lindzi’s dad is kinda cute  – not sure if I’m a sucker for his love of trash talk or the fact that his name is Harry (my step-dad’s name) – either way, I’m a fan.

Mom & Dad rig the race by saddle up a thoroughbred that wandered through the challenge Lindzi’s donkey Devin. Secure in his manhood (cause he’s a real man), Harry takes Ben aside for their chat.

Other than finding out that Ben wants to take it slow no matter who he proposes to, we do learn that Lindzi is an only child whose parents have tried to keep her away from boys and “kept her focused on horses and cheer team.” This small details really explains a lot about Lindzi’s “journey.”

A little wine from a redneck wine glass later, Ben sets off on his next tour de parents. But not before Lindzi and Ben seal their love with an open mouth kiss and an awkward “back at cha kid.” (C’mon Lindz – I want to like you.)

Next stop… Clarksville, TN with Kacie B.

When I see Kacie B. I wonder aloud why she is dressed like a grown-u (in the loosest form of the word) baton majorette. I find out quickly that it is intentional (I think) and that she is doing a little “routine” with the local high school kids to show off for Ben. It had been a while since we’d heard about her band days but her lack of fashion evolution does confirm my theory that she is really a 14-year old high school girl trapped in a 24-year-old body.

This happened. (Image: ABC)

Kacie commits one of the SE cardinal sins when she does the run, jump, catch spin move with Ben. I’m pretty sure this may be one of my top two least favorite Bachelor activities, right up there with crying in the limo and confessing your love too early.

We find out that they’re at a football field named after Kacie’s grandpa (more on that later Kacie says with a wink). But one quick walk up the bleachers later, we find out that Kacie’s g-pa just liked sports and had a bunch of money. So basically the same reason fields are named after rich white dudes the world over.

We also learn that her g-parents shared a Notebook-style romance that Kacie is READY to recreate with Ben. Oh Kacie and you’re romantic dreams.

Ben shakes her out of fairytale land and demands some deets on the parental units. Kacie tells us that her Dad is a Federal Probation Officer that doesn’t drink. Uh-Oh. Add to that he was very skeptical of her going on the show (well at least someone was – sounds like Kacie’s Dad may be the voice of reason we need). Double Uh-Oh.

Ben is neeerrrvious. Especially cause of that whole “I sell booze for a living” part. I can see the SE now.

A quick off-screen cackle from Kacie and we’re at her house for dinner (where production forces them to all awkwardly sit on one side of the table – kind of like The Last Supper except nothing like The Last Supper – sorry Jesus).

Kacie’s Dad is country (I can say that cause I live in Kentucky) and you can tell that Kacie is super nervous about her pops breaking things down with Ben right quick. So to avoid any uncomfortable situations for herself and leave them all for Ben, she and her sister head into the other room. There Kacie let’s her sister know it’s time to pick out the wedding colors cause Ben is HER man. After they settle on hot pink and teal, we learn that Kacie’s parents (or just her Dad maybe) are super serious and kinda controlling. This leads me to believe this whole Bachelor nonsense has been a move to get them to loosen the reigns a little (or a chance for her to loosen her morals – either way).

Ben and Daddy-O sit down for their one-on-one and needless to say, it’s a LEEETTTLE awkward. Bottom line: Kacie’s Dad wants them to slow their roll and not even THINK about marriage yet. Add a couple more awkward silences and you get the picture. He also puts his foot down and tells Ben to let Kacie know now if she’s NOT the one. Uh-oh. Ben tells us he’s “not sure he likes me.” Drew responds, “probably not since your hair is longer than his wife’s.” Truth.

Kacie’s mom adds to the pressure by giving Ben the third degree about Kacie moving to California and the horror of her moving in with him. Thoroughly scared, Ben packs up his stuff, leaves his food and gets the hell out of there.

Next stop… Ft. Worth, TX with Nicki

“I love Texas everything and Texas Nicki, that’s the best part.” Yes this is a direct quote from Ben Flajnik. Definitely a keeper.

So this is how you do it. (Image: ABC)

So we meet up with Nicki in Texas and it appears that even at home she has horrible fashion sense. Clearly her love of off-the-shoulder shirts runs deep. Woof.

Once again, Ben notices the horribleness of her outfit and makes a beeline for a new fit (remember Puerto Rico?). This time, instead of traditional Puerto Rican garb, it’s traditional cowboy wear in Texas. Ah, stereotypes.

They head into the boot store where Nicki likens finding “the one” to picking the right pair of boots. “Finding the right boot is just like finding the right partner in life,” she says as I run to the bathroom to vomit.

Performing at 8 at tonight's Rodeo. (Image: ABC)

Nicki abandons her sparkly off-the-shoulder sweater for a sparkly, off the shoulder glitter explosion and it’s time to head to the local saloon (Where are they? Texas circa 1885?) to wet their whistle. I’m so distracted by Nicki’s sparkles that I don’t even notice the cowboy fit Ben has thrown on. Oh these two. A quick whiskey later and these crazy kids are off to meet the folks.

Before they arrive, Nicki tells us that she’s expecting a lot of questions from her parents. First one that comes to mind for me is “What in the F are you wearing?” But maybe that’s just me.

Nicki also tells us there is going to be a lot of talk about the Big D (and she don’t mean Dallas). Nothing like bringing home your new boyfriend to talk about your failed marriage. Get excited.

So we arrive and if you were already confused about how to tell Nicki and Kacie B. apart, this isn’t going to help. It appears Nicki’s Mom and Dad look shockingly similar to Kacie’s parents. If Nicki had a sister, I’d be seriously creeped out. Instead, she has a little brother who I don’t think says one word the entire filming.

Nicki and her Mom break off for some seriously embarrassing girl talk while Nicki’s Dad gets serious with Ben. Not gonna lie, her Dad seems pretty sweet. Dad seems to dig Ben and just asks him to take it slow (he can’t be paying for another wedding again so quick!).

Since Nicki loves loves loves to jabber box about her feelings, she pulls Ben aside to let him know she’s in love with him (isn’t this like the 35th time she’ told him?), he responds with a sufficiently awkward, “Really?” and they kiss.

The night comes to a close and Nicki walks Ben out where she proceeds to wave and cry until she can’t see his Escalade anymore.

Save the worst for last. Courtney’s Evil Lair aka Scottsdale, AZ.

Courtney meets Ben and it’s all baby talk and lip biting. Ugh.

Thankfully, we head straight to her parents house so we can finally figure out where this all started but not before Ben tells us he saw his “past, present and future” on his last date with Courtney. WOOF. Thankfully, he follows this with the comment, “It would bother me to end up with someone who rubs people the wrong way.” Welp, prepare to be bothered.

They arrive and it’s straight to the table where of course, Courtney sits right in the middle. Not sure why they sit down at all though because two seconds late Courtney’s sister (and her seriously ombre hair) sneak out to chat. Courtney’s sister knows everything about her (do you think she knows she’s a model?) so she’s excited to get her thoughts on Ben. I stop paying attention and then it turns to the guy talk.

Courtney’s Dad asks Ben if he’s ready to bet on love (wait, is he a big Bachelor fan? Watch your back CH!) to which Ben responds “All IN!” while visions of skinny dipping dance in his head.

Next up is a chat with Courtney’s mom where we finally find out where Courtney’s weird lip and vapid, glossed over eyes come from. Their conversation bores me until my ears perk when Courtney says “If he keeps it up, I’ll be ready to say yes when he proposes to me.” Oh Courtney, it’s always all about you isn’t it?

We’ve seen enough so it’s time for their local park date.

Raise your hand if you were surprised when Courtney took Ben to the park where she had her first modeling gig. If your hand is raised, you should X out of her right now.

Next question, raise your hand if you were surprised that Courtney threw a fake wedding. Okay, I didn’t think Courtney was this kind of crazy. Mean, conniving, slutty, insulting, self-centered crazy? Yes. Faux-wedding crazy? Didn’t realize she had it in there.

So here’s where the seriously bad secondary embarrassment set in. I am not joking when I say I had embarrassed goose-bumps for this entire segment.

Courtney and Ben are just sitting on a bench when she mentions seeing a wedding there before. Ben asks if there is one going on this afternoon, not knowing that Courtney has an evil plot to marrying him right then and there. No really, she does.

It's the creepy country wedding I've always dreamed of. (Image: ABC)

Since she obviously, wore a white dress. She doesn’t need to change but she’s packed a bag of tricks (I’m getting embarrassed just writing this now) which include:

  • Pen and Paper to write their Vows.
  • A bow tie for Ben.
  • Fake Rings.

Yes, this is real life. Yes, this is happening on your television screen. Yes, I fear the apocalypse is near.

Could this be any worse, I think no until, yup – there is an officiant there.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY is Ben going through with this? Seems like this is a kind of extreme way to just tell someone you love them.

I am in literal shock as I watch them recite vows and go through an entirely faux wedding. This is insanity. I mean, they put rings on each other and say “With this ring, I thee wed.” Words cannot explain the shock and embarrassment. They seal their fake wedding with a kiss and I am frozen in place on my couch.

So so so creepy. (Image: ABC)

Seriously, is there no sanctity for marriage? Does Courtney know she’s not just modeling this wedding? Ahhhh.

Thank god it ends and it’s time to get rid of one of these ladies.

Before the rose ceremony, Ben sits down with our man Chris Harrison who does a thorough recap of all the hometowns. No lie, I fast forwarded through this since I just sat through 90 minutes of hometowns.

Rose Time.

I’ve got a feeling this one is going to be epic (ly-bad). My pick to go home, Nicki (I don’t read the spoilers anymore so just humor me).

  • Courtney… “I do.” Woof.
  • Lindzi

Down to the twins.

  • Nicki.

Wait What? WOAH Nicki! I definitely thought he’d pick Kacie B. Looks like her Dad really did a number on him (Or it could have been that awful dress, either way).

While the other (read: nice) girls give her a huge to say goodbye, Courtney makes an stretched out stork face sways around in her weird, inability to connect with others (and show real emotion) way.

A quick walk out and we’re in the limo where things get rough.

“Why am I not good enough? Why Why? How did this happen?… What the F*** happened? What the f*** happened?”

Yikes. What do you think the producers say to them in there? I’d LOVE to have that job. (Sorry I would, I can’t help it.)

Poor Kacie. It seems like your parents happened honey. That your baton routine.

Enough crying, gotta keep the love train on track. Next stop, a “perfect place to fall in love,” Switzerland!

The next place their going is the perfect place to fall in love. Duh. Switzerland.

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Bad News Bears – The Bachelor Recap will be Late. Stupid DirectTV

Hey friends. So I’ve got some bad news. Last night, I had to get a late start on our old Bachelor Ben. So around 9 I settled in, ready to cue up this week’s dose of Secondary Embarrassment. I hit the DVR button and went into a ridiculous panic when I realized that my stupid DVR had decided not to record The Bachelor instead focusing on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (doesn’t it know that RHOBH is on repeat like every five minutes but Bachelor is only on ONCE! shouldn’t it know these things?). Obviously, I am blaming the DVR (and my inability to accept our switch to Direct TV) for my own mental error.

I did end up catching the last hour and gah, could Courtney have been any worse. Seriously, it’s like her evil powers (and annoying habits) grow exponentially each week. I promise to do a full recap later tonight but since I can’t leave you for a full day without getting some thoughts off my chest, here’s a quick little recap nugget.

Image: ABC

The Top 10 Most Annoying Things Courtney Did or Said Last Night [in the Final Hour].
(Sorry, it’s all I can focus on other than the blond girls crying).

10. The Lip Biting.
Okay, so I know this is NOT new but it still annoys me to no end. Does she think it’s sexy? Cute? Pretty? Does Ben find it attractive? Has he told her that her lip biting is his favorite thing about her? Someone please Make. It. Stop.And in the mouth twitch and you’ve got an SE overload.

9. The Skipping.
We all know I’ve hated on Lindzi and Kacie B. for being juvenile but Courtney is just as bad it seems. Why why why does she have to skip to pick up her rose? Not only is it annoying but it is so bitchy in the most childish way possible. I wish Rachel or Emily would have pushed her when she did a hop jump back to her spot in line last night. UGHHHH.

8. Fake Positivity
So at last night’s faux-cocktail party, I wanted to reach through the TV and tip Courtney over in her chair when she shared her thoughts with the group of nervous girls. “I’m not nervous!” she exclaimed before taking a rip of her Pina Colada. While I wished and prayed for her to get the brain freeze to end all brain freezes, she waxed poetic about how the pina colada tasted “so good when it hits your lips.” Probably was icing them down after weeks filled with non-stop biting.

7. Spying from her Balcony like the Evil Queen she is.
While Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel were enjoying a nice pool-side wrap up to their date with Ben, the Evil Queen Courtney watched over them from her balcony perch – muttering incantations in hopes of thwarting her arch nemesis Kacie B.’s advances on her Prince Charming. Despite watching their puppy-love filled interactions, Courtney the Creeper’s confidence couldn’t be stopped. “I’m not really that worried about her. She’s not like competition.She’s like a little girl in a little boy’s body.” Which leads me to…

6. Courtney’s Superiority Complex.
I’m all for being a strong, confident woman. I’m all for being proud of your achievements. But Courtney’s confidence is becoming its own character. Her false sense of superiority leaches into everything she says and does. Whether it’s (once-again) mentioning she’s a model (more on that later), or her eye-rolling at everything anyone else says, or the dismissive shoulder shrugs, or constantly talking about how confident she is about getting the rose, “Well, I’m feeling good!” – it’s annoying. And beyond that it’s embarrassing. We get it – you’re pretty and he likes you. But is it really necessary to rub it in everyone’s face non-stop? I wish Emily would have just pushed her in her face before leaving the show.

5. She’s a Model.
Or as she put it this week, “I’m the talent and I have to make everyone happy.” Yup. She said she’s the talent. This was before going into a diatribe about how hard her job is and her constant quest to keep everyone happy (and by everyone she must mean everyone NOT on this show). If you missed her “talent” comment you mostly certainly haven’t missed one of the other 134350345345430 times she mentions “I’m a model.”

4. The catch-phrases.
Which one is your favorite? “See ya, wouldn’t want to be  ya.” or “Winning!” Because she’s used both at least five times. Enough. You are not Charlie Sheen (is it bad that I would rather watch Charlie Sheen than Courtney) nor are you a 7-year-old on the playground (well, maybe she is). Maybe you like when she looks into the camera with her dead eyes and fake shoots the girls. I know watching that was a low point in my life. Some other highlights, ‘When in Belize!”

3. The Sing-Songy Talking
Courtney half sings all of her insults. You may not have noticed this since it’s not quite as obvious as her quest to rid her face of its upper lip but it’s there. She uses it to mask insults, mock achievements, to compliment herself and to say “I like YOUUUU” to Ben. Woof Woof Woof.

2. The Insults.
Despite pretending to act like she’s above the insults and the cattiness, Courtney is the queen of the insult. Rather than go into it, watch and learn.

Actually, this video adequately sums up all of the above points.

1. The Act
The most annoying thing about Courtney is the act she’s putting on. The worst part is that it is obviously an act. Like when she tells Ben she needs to be reassured and that she’s having a really hard time before heading back to the hotel to wreck havoc on the psyche of her fellow suite-mates. She puts this little wounded girl act on whenever she’s with Ben. It’s THE WORST! No actually, the worst is the possibility of her winning. Which I’m pretty sure happens. UGH.

 

Okay, I’ll be back with more later! Until then… stay tuned!

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This is real life. “Former ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka to guest host Chippendales revue in Las Vegas ”

Yup you read that right.

I guess it’s true. The apocalypse is near.

Not sure what’s worse – that this is happening or that the media is reporting on it.

Ah the secondary embarrassment level are almost too much to even consider the possibility of this occurring in real life. Blech.

Wonder if Vienna will be attending any of the shows.

Here’s the full story from the New York Daily News. 

Former ‘Bachelor’ Jake Pavelka to guest host Chippendales revue in Las Vegas
He signed up for four week gig at Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino

By Taylor Hom / NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Thursday, February 9, 2012, 11:34 AM

 TV personality Jake Pavelka will guest host a Chippendales revue in Vegas starting Feb. 23. 

TV personality Jake Pavelka will guest host a Chippendales revue in Vegas starting Feb. 23.

Former “The Bachelor” and “Dancing with the Stars” contestant Jake Pavelka is showcasing more than his fleet feet this time

The 34-year-old ex-airline pilot just signed on for a stint as Chippendales official man candy.

Pavelka, the four-time reality show alum, will be the celebrity guest host for the famous male stripper revue for four weeks during its spring residency at the Rio All-Suite Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, US Weekly reported.

His new gig begins Feb. 23.

Pavelka came in for a landing in front of the cameras for the first time with the fifth season of “The Bachelorette.” After he was eliminated, ABC brought him back by popular demand to star in “The Bachelor,” but his storybook engagement to Vienna Girardi ended as a gossip tabloid cautionary tale.

Undeterred, Pavelka charged forward and participated in the 10th season of “Dancing With the Stars” but received the boot in the fifth round. He then tried his hand at acting a role he knows well when he played a reality dating show contestant in an episode of “Drop Dead Diva.”

He’s currently competing to win a partnership for a Los Angeles restaurant on one of VH1’s lowest rated reality shows of the season, “Famous Food. “

So what is Texas’ most famous reality-show-connoisseur missing from his Hollywood experience?

A live audience, of course.

“You know, I’ve always loved the idea of a live audience. Hosting in front of an unpredictable crowd forces you to draw from the energy of the crowd. It’s challenging but also exciting to work off that kind of adrenaline, knowing no two shows will be the same,” he told The Hollywood Reporter.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/bachelor-jake-pavelka-guest-host-chippendales-revue-las-vegas-article-1.1019786#ixzz1mI3GFchd

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“I got the rose.” The Bachelor’s Courtney Auto-Tune.

One of SE’s most loyal supporters Stephanie sent me this AMAZING link which is sweeping the interwebs today.

I’m not going to write much because the video speaks (in auto-tune) for itself. I will let you know one thing – you will love it.

Don’t tell me you didn’t LOVE that. (No seriously, don’t tell me. Don’t ruin it for me.)

 

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What NOT to do when Dating. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 6 Recap

This week we’re in Panama City and would you be shocked if I told you it was a perfect place to fall in love?

Other notes from the preview… Kacie B. sounds like the Wicked Witch of the West when she laughs, Courtney will once again expose her ta-ta’s and there will be crying.

Let’s go!

Team Dating is So fun! (Image: ABC)

We know the girls made it because we get a glimpse of home video footage (Where do they keep the rest of this footage? Can they do a special using only this footage? Would we get to see what they look like without makeup? So many questions – so few answers.). We know Ben made it cause his Jeep pulls up intact to the fancy hotel. (Where has he been? Does he go four-wheeling in every location? Does he exclusively drive Jeeps?)

The girls settle into the suite which gives Courtney time to knock on all her bunk mates (eye twitch and embarrassing shoulder shrug included).

Ben saunters in to set the girls aflutter, drops the date card and flees before the girls can tackle him.

Kacie B. – Will our love survive? Pack three things.

Kacie has clearly hit the “I never thought I’d make it this far” part of her wardrobe because she is rocking booty shorts and belly top (I don’t care if they are supposed to be making a come back  – if you’re over 22, belly tops should be a no-no). Not only is her outfit atrocious but someone (cough cough Blakely) needs to help her fix her poof.

They hop into the standard mode of transportation and head off on a journey to a deserted island. WHICH by coincidence (or not) was featured in last week’s 48 Hours Mystery. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

So once alone (and by alone I mean accompanied by the crew and producers) Ben and Kacie B. must share the three items the packed.

Kacie B. packed a stuffed monkey, because she’s really 7-years-old, a corkscrew because she needs liquor to hold a conversation and a bag of candy, see item #1.

I can’t even focus on what Ben brought because Kacie is so ridiculous. For the next 5 minutes, they run around the island digging, chopping coconuts and squealing about being “all alone.” Thankfully, they’ll be “rescued” soon for their dinner date.

Side note: her bathing suit is cute.

On to dinner where I take back everything nice I just said about her bathing suit after seeing this one-shoulder, tie-up, shirts are not dresses number. AND, can someone please get these two a comb and some oil blotting sheets. Yikes, they are SWEATY.

Date Card Break In.

Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This means that Blakely and Rachel will be heading into the Bachelor Battle Royal.

Rachel, like a normal person, has tons of anxiety about the most awkward third wheel date. Blakely on the other hand is used to performing in front of girls and is psyched for the big date.

Back on the date I am massively distracted by the high levels of frizz on this date. Moving on, Kacie B. decides to lock-up the rose by spilling a story about having an eating disorder in high school. I’m not trying to make light of the situation but c’mon what girl didn’t have an eating disorder in high school for a year.

Ben finds her story endearing and gives Kacie B. the rose. This thrills Kacie to no end, “On a scale of one to wonderful, today was fantastic.” REALLY? Who talks like that? Are we sure she’s not a first grade teacher?

While I was pondering, these crazy kids made their way to the middle of the street to tongue kiss.

End Scene.

Group Date Time  – Let’s Get Lost. Emily, Nicki, Lindzi, Kacy S., Courtney and Jamie.

This date is all about exploring Panama (and each others bodies) and seeing river and jungles and river jungles. Ben’s words, not mine. Swears.

Each of the ladies busted out their shortest cut-off jean shorts in preparation for a day of fun with Ben. It’s time for the annual let’s do something nice with the natives date.

Jorts for everyone! (Image: ABC)

The soccer playing kiddos lure them in and then abandon them where they’re subsequently lead off and prepared to be sold into the South American sex trade.

Okay but really, they’re supposed to change into some tribal garb that can or cannot be worn with a bikini. Courtney, of course, choose the latter and “goes native.” This causes the rest of the girls (including me) to chatter endlessly about what a loose whore Courtney can be.

While the other girls get their hate on, Ben is very appreciative of her lady bits.

In between the black bars covering Courtney’s ta-ta’s we hear a little of Emily’s Spanish skills and sneak a peak at some tribal tattooing. All of this is eclipsed, once again, by Courtney. she decides to band Ben with a sweet little B+C = Heart.

Me Ben, You Mine. (Image: ABC)

Honestly, I’m getting tired of Courtney and her smirking and her mouth twitches and tics. And her endless commentary. I understand it makes good television but she is just getting to be out of control ridiculous. And beyond that she’s bitchy and annoying. And BEYOND even that, her act is getting tired.

After Courtney shakes her naughty bits all over Ben part one of this date is FINALLY over.

On a side note: I would have liked to have seen a little more interaction with the natives and a little less Courtney. But I think I may have already addressed that. (Wait, have I told you all how I feel about Courtney?)

Part Deux:

It’s time for the standard swimming pool cocktail party and Ben is looking forward to a night of “appreciating” the women. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

After a toast to “going with the flow” (didn’t he just say that to Kacie B. – bygones) which is code for “keep your crazy under control.”

First up to bat, Lindzi. This little lady is determined to get things going again with Ben since their one-on-one was eons on ago in Bachelor time. To accomplish this she’s decided to sit as awkwardly close to him as possible. Add on that she just called Ben her “boyfriend” (WOAH WOAH WOAH there missy) and we’ve got ourselves a nice combo of SE. They bring up her trip to dumpsville (is this round two) and the conversation dwindles. So they move past the talking and feeling sharing and straight to the kissing.

Does my forehead look werid? (Image: ABC)

BREAK IN THE ACTION.

Back in the suite, the date card arrives. Rachel looks like a giant ball of nerves while Blakely is doing wind sprints in the hallways gearing up for her big night.

The card arrives and Kacie B. dangles the bait in front of them… Save the last dance for me.

So there will be dancing involved. Well we all know that this bodes well for Blakely (or does it? could those VIP cocktail waitress moves work against her?) who gets paid to dance and not in the classy ballet way.

She’s super hype about the date, I know this because she wails “I LOOOOOOOOOOVE to dance” right in Rachel’s face. Game on bitch. No one messes with Rachel and gets away with it.

Returning poolside, Courtney takes her first stab at Ben. She spends their time together whispering into/licking his ear while repeating the phrase “skinny dipping” as many times as possible. It’s come down to the power of the lady parts and Courtney is not afraid to use hers.

Side note: If Ben doesn’t choose Courtney whoever he did chose has to be HEATED watching this. This segment here is the reason why none of these relationships have worked in the past. Their either based entirely on skinny-dipping or the “winner” is forced to watch the mindless make outs and junk bumping. (Sorry that phrase was disgusting but I’m leaving it in there for some reason.)

It’s come to the point where I can no longer listen/focus on anything Courtney says. All I see are the tics, shoulder shrugs and mouth movements that make we want to punch her through the screen.

I jump back to reality in time to see Courtney messing with his hair (and noticing how similar their mops are), some kissing and we’re out.

On to Jamie (how is she still here?) who decides to go big or go home (WAY more on that later). Little Orphan Jamie has plans for a big smooch with Ben. Unfortunately for her, the Evil Queen Courtney has other plans. So while they chat (and by they I mean while Jamie has verbal diarrhea), Courtney creeps up, sits down and stares at them. Then she takes her cover up off, then she jumps in the pool, then she yells “HEY!” then I stab her in the eye. Sorry, train of thought caught up with me there.

It doesn’t end there. She proceeds to get out of the pool and then lie on a chair caressing herself (WOOF CITY!). Clearly her witchcraft and wizardry catch Ben’s eye and he’s lured into her evil spell.

And because no Mean Girls reference has ever been more appropriate than now: “evil takes a human form in {Courtney}. Don’t be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she’s so much more than that.” That’s truth right there straight from the lips of Janice Ian.

And just like that Courtney single-handedly eliminates Jamie (but if not for her those stripper shoes would have surely sent her home).  On to Emily, who has made a resolution to keep her Courtney bashing to a minimum. Let’s see how she’s progressing.

They sit down and Emily decides to break some serious news. There’s a man in her life. A big, strong man filled with love & affection and it’s… THE CHIEF.

Well played Emily. Well played. I’m thinking I may be starting to like her again. They chat (and we later find out, Emily raps), they make amends and then seal it with a big, wet, sloppy open mouth kiss. Take that Courtney.

So this is what happens when you keep crazy under control. (Image: ABC)

Enough about all the kissing though, it’s rose time. Lindzi with her fake tan and heavy eye liner and girlish personality get the rose. This infuriates Courtney and causes her to show her first sign of weakness.

The Queen Bee heads back to her room where she preps since she is 100% sure that Ben will stopping by. He doesn’t. I think she may have cried. Nice Work Ben.

Next Stop – The Dreaded Two on One. Blakely vs. Rachel. Slutty vs. Sweet. Cheap vs. Cute. (I could go on but this post is getting LONG).

We’re going to break down the insane awkwardness of the two-on-one into two distinct parts.

Awkward, No this isn't awkward. (Image: ABC)

The Dancing – Ben & the ladies are learning the salsa. One lady must sit aside and watch while the pair dance oddly in the middle. They each get new salsa ‘fits – cute, fun & flirty for Rachel. Ugly, tacky, pink and prom-style for Blakely. Those descriptions can also sum up each girl on this date. Rachel acts adorable, fun and awesome (can you tell she’s my favorite) while Blakely dances slutty, acts WAY too excited and is generally annoying. (Did you see those stripper pole moves?)

Is this slutty? (Image: ABC)

The Dinner -Here’s where things got real. Each girl gets their time alone with Ben. Rachel is up first and is her normal, charming self. She lets Ben know she isn’t as forward as Blakely but that she really likes him (lord only knows why). She then spills all of her feelings out into his mouth and with an open mouth kiss we’re through.

Side note: Did anyone else notice the cop car lights reflecting on their faces during this date? Must have filmed in a dodgy neighborhood.

On to Blakely. Blakely acts like a 13-year-old girl on her first date… with Justin Bieber. She is WAY too exthusiastic. She goes ON and ON and ON and ON about all her feelings for Ben. She talks about falling in love with him and then she does it. She breaks out her scrap book. Yes, Blakely has been making a scrap book of her journey with Ben. (Apparently scrapbooking is one of the optional activities for the girls when they’re not on dates. They just throw a big wad of magazines, color pencils, construction paper and glue sticks in the room and watch what happens.)I mean that thing was CREEPY. I half expected her to flip to the last page where she had pasted their pictures on to wedding pictures or something. Yikes. Yikes Yikes.

As my best pal Kelly said (via g-chat), “scrapbooks are the kiss of death.” I’m going to take it one step further and say any arts & crafts project would have done it. I mean, really, that thing was BAD. Did you all see Ben’s face? I mean even Shaggy couldn’t keep it together. He was definitely hoping for a surprise CH pop in right then. All I can say is YIKES.

YAY For Rachel! (Image: ABC)

And just like that it’s rose time, yup right at the dinner table. It’s a face-off, a show-down, who will it be? Blakley’s overconfidence and crafting skills did her in and Rachel snags the rose. Oh lord, here it comes. Blakely, who has just poured her heart out to Ben, loses it. She is out of there like a bat out of hell (and I respect that, no stupid hand holding for her). She’s all sobbing and I just wish it would end. Wasn’t the scrap book misery enough?

Rose Ceremony Day

There’s a quick prelude to today’s rose ceremony. CH FINALLY makes an appearance (Where has he been? Doesn’t he know that we need him for guidance and direction?) and the girls are all like “What the what is Chris H doing here? This can’t be good.” They all try not to make eye contact until he finally reveals he’s there for a chat with Kacy S. Ah HA! I knew she couldn’t really be enjoying this charade.

Chris kindly pulls Kacy aside (couldn’t they let the girl grab some shoes?) and tells her that he knows about Michael. Her non-committal lover from back home.

Kacy fights back telling CH that Michael doesn’t love her and she’s looking for marriage. CH isn’t buying it and after a quick exchnge he gets to the point (like only he can) – “Are you still in love with him?” She fesses up and then CH drags her off to Ben’s room so she can confess to him to (“Gah, Dad! Do I haaavvvee to?”). They get to Ben’s room and he is notably surprised (although he shouldn’t have been – there were like 3 camera men in his room). CH pushes Kacy in and makes her spill the beans. Ruh roh.

CH cozies up along side the duo (“Don’t mind me!) while Kacy shares the nitty gritty. Ben is not sugar coating these scooby snacks and he tells Kacy to hit the road. And just like that another one bites the dust.

Cue the SE.

Side note: Does anyone else think Kacy kinda looks like a prettier Paris Hilton?

Okay, so CH tries to be nice (this is no Justin “Rated R” Rego we’re talking about) and consoles Kacy while simultaneously pushing her out of the building. The crying is immediate and never stops. Lots of blabbering on about never finding love and having to start all over again. I could only catch some of it. Partly because I was hiding behind my couch and partly because she was seriously hard to understand. One thing’s for sure though – Looks like this little lady will be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad.

Once Kacy is off the property, CH stops back in with the girls to let them know the news. He also reminds them that the cocktail party is coming up quick so they need to get ready STAT.

The Cocktail Party

Ben arrives and let’s the girls know he has  feelings for everyone. So let’s get kissing!

Nicki is up first. She hand molests him while taking about her intense feelings. They middle school dance and then decide to tongue kiss. Check.

Next up is Jamie. And here is where things get bad FAST. Jamie is determined to make up for the Courtney incident on the group date. She chugs about six cranberry and vodka’s and is ready to show Ben what she’s working with.

Doing her best impression of the Micro Machine Man, Jamie spills her feelings. FAST. She tells him she is going to do what she wants to him (yes, she said that) and straddles him which she says is Fancy (she learned the word from the Reba song so you can understand how she doesn’t quite know the definition). Before I can look away in horror and embarrassment, I hear the sound of her dress ripping. The verbal diarrhea continues and she is uncontrollably saying anything and everything that enters her mind as it relates to Ben.

IreallylikeyouandIwanttobesexyforyouandshowyouhowmuchIwanttobehereandspendtimewithyouandkissyou.

SOMEONE TELL HER TO STOP TALKING!

At this point, Drew has built a pillow fort around himself while I am using my laptop to shield my eyes from the train wreck occurring on screen.

And it doesn’t stop. She goes in for a kiss and starts giggling. Ben is starting to get annoyed and is like “Stop laughing you wackado, I’m trying to get you to shut up with a little tongue and you keep ruining it.”
This girl is an enigma, even Ben’s signature kissing move won’t hold her back.

She’s not going to let Ben escape so easily though. They MUST kiss (or she’ll keep talking forever) so they try again. But this time Jamie gives directions. A LOT OF DIRECTIONS. Will it be open or closed mouth? With or without tongue?
“LORD ALMIGHTY – JUST KISS” I yell at the scream while Drew asks anxiously, “Is it over? I’m not looking until it’s over.” Finally. FINALLY! Ben puts a stop to the madness and we escape.

Rose Time

Kacie Lindzi and Rachel all have roses.

1 odd man out.

Ben’s been thinking a lot about the journey and trust (of course he has), so here we go.

  • Nicki
  • Courtney – NOOOOO!

Who will it be Jamie or Emily (PLEASE SAY EMILY!)

  • Emily

 

Well it was officially clean out the crazies night on The Bachelor. Jamie and her endlessly talking are dunzo.

She goes out in a ball of tears and insecurity and this week’s madness is over. Next stop on the crazy train, Belize!

Whoosh, we made it.

Well we learned this episode that dating scrapbooks are never a good idea, always let the other person talk and no kissing instruction manuals are given on this show.

Oh and we also learned that Emily is still rapping (only redeemable point was including the bit about Ben’s frizzy hair).

What did you think of Jamie’s madness? Blakely’s scrapbook? Courtney’s tribal wear?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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