Grab your favorite scarf and apres-ski outfit (which if you’re a contestant on this show means a bikini), we’re going to Switzerland.
Ben is hype for the last stop on his love “journey.” In his EXACT words, “I love this country, it’s my destiny.”
So let’s determine that destiny. He’s got three “amazing” women left and it’s time for old Benny boy to make a decision. But like countless Bachelorette’s before him he’s paralyzed by the fear of not making the right decision (the first wrong decision was coming on this show, after that it was all downhill. There’s no point in trying to stop it now).
As Ben packs up his henley tees and cardigans, he ponders who will make the best match.
Is it Nicki? A “warm and loving woman… Kind of a dark horse.” And he’s not just talking about her tan.
Or could it be Lindzi? This half city/half country little lady is also not too tan to be the mother of his children. “I had premonitions of life with children with Lindzi.” Was premonitions really the best word to use there Ben? I think not.
Or is it the Evil Love Monster Courtney? Blech. Having to watch this montage of Courtney is making me a little nauseous. “I like that she’s a little bit nerdy,” Ben says. Um, nerdy? Is that what the kids are calling slutty these days? “She’s exciting, spontaneous…” and a little crazy, an evil hag and a fake fame seeker (can you tell I’m a fan?). The only redeeming part of this little compilation is the focus on her evil reign. Cheers to that.
So enough of the past, let’s get to the present. We’re in Interlaken, Switzerland. A “majestic and magical” place. The perfect place for Courtney to end her journey as the Evil Queen. I can see her watching from her mountainside castle now.
Ben sports his snuggest leather jackets as he meanders through the empty streets of Interlaken hunting for Nicki. (Who was thankful there wasn’t a repeat of last year’s street scene with Ashley Hebert frozen as the crowd moves wildly around her? Just me? Okay then.)
Date #1: Nicki
He finally stumbles upon Nicki who is predictably HYPE.
She agrees that Switzerland is the “perfect place to be in love.” Which infuriates me because there is not an acre in this great world that these fools wouldn’t think was perfect for love as long as a cameras was pointed in their general direction.
I end my rant to see that on this date they’ll be using the standard mode of transportation on this show, the helicopter. (Planes. Check. Trains. Check. Automobiles? No way, not on the Bachelor. Helicopters only.)
Ben acts like this is the first helicopter ride he’s ever experienced (yeah right, it’s like your 19th) and does this:
Yes, that happened. There are no words to describe it or the secondary embarrassment I experienced while watching that. I felt I would be doing a huge disservice to anyone who reads this to not highlight that “dance” move.
So into the helicopter they go. Don’t even try to act like Ben didn’t choose the helicopter date for Nicki because it prohibits her ability to talk non-stop. Seriously, Ben knew that he couldn’t even try to get a word in edge-wise when they’re face-to-face. This way he can enjoy a five-minute break from her rambling on about her love for him.
I get momentarily excited when it appears that their helicopter is crashing but instead they land on a cliff for, you guessed it, a picnic.
Such a standard Bachelor date. Helicopter + Picnic. All we need is a hot tub and we’ll be three for three.
The entire picnic is spent with Nicki jabberboxing about how much she loves Ben and how much her family loves Ben while he looks at her and nods. One look at his face and you can tell he’s letting Nicki go this episode. He is clearly bored out of his mind. It basically goes like this: Feelings, Feelings, Feelings, I love you, Feelings, Family, I love you, Open Mouth Kissing to stop the blabbering.
It’s dinner time which on this episode just means the awkward time before Ben slips the fantasy suite (aka it’s time to get it on) card. Tonight’s date is in a log cabin which Nicki loves so much that she lets out a little horsey squeal.
They talk about when Nicki will move to Sonoma and how many kids they’d like to have (how about none please) but I can’t pay attention to anything other than Ben’s zip up, button up, latch up sweater. Seriously, how many options are on that sweater? A zipper, buttons and latches. TOO MUCH.
The conversation regarding kids leads Ben straight to the fantasy suite drop and he asks her “What do you think?” which is code for “Do you want to have sex with me?” She, of course, replies yes and it’s on.
Ben, still emotionally unavailable and vacant with Nicki, takes her back for a champagne fueled night of getting it on. (Yes, I just said getting it on and yes a little piece of my soul just died.)
And if you were wondering when the hot tub would come into play, well here you go. They hop in and we’re, thankfully, cut off from this sinking ship.
Date #2: Lindzi
Lindzi arrives and proceeds to provide us with one of the more awkward entrances. Nothing like a weird wave and then the dreaded run, jump, twirl entrance. Ugh, I hate it.
Today’s date is a surprise for both Ben and Lindzi. Yup, the producers broke out an oldie but a goodie with a little rappelling. Usually this is reserved for a group date in the jungle where the girls claw each others eyes out for a chance to rappel alongside their man, but alas, we’ll have to settle for it here… with Ben.
Since this date involves heights, they are predictable totally “freaked out.” They discuss their fears and then collectively decide to conquer them before conquering each other later in the fantasy suite.
They both don’t really want to participate so Drew asks “Why are they doing it then?” Um, come on hun. We’ve been watching this for months now. They’ve surrendered control of their lives to the producers at ABC. If they don’t do it, they’re just going to push them over anyways.
So they rope up and prepare for decent. They are acting like this it’s so scary and that they are “free-falling” but to me it just looks like they are inching, VERY SLOWLY, down a rope. Lame.
They make it back to the bottom where they embrace, kiss and then Ben proceeds to wipe off the self-tanner that has rubbed onto his face.
That madness ends and what do we see, why another hot tub of course. The hot tub is the perfect place for them to “discuss their feelings” while doing a little under water groping. (Don’t act like that’s not happening.)
This is where the vulnerable drinking game commences. Lindzi tells Ben that she has made the “Ice Queen Melt” not sure who she’s talking about since I’m pretty sure she’s acted like a 12-year-old cheerleader hyped up on pixie sticks since the day she arrived, but hey, what do I know.
She’s put up a wall but Ben has allowed her to be vulnerable. Yes, I was able to explain it by using the word once. Unfortunately for all viewers, she needed to use the word 12532 additional times to get the point across.
During the hot tub, Lindzi hopes to be able to tell Ben she loves him. Instead all she can do is spit out “I’m loving this” to the tune of the McDonald’s jingle.
Oh well, Ben doesn’t care and let’s us know he has “an invitation to give to Lindzi” (Uh duh Capt. Obvious) because “we both need to get to a vulnerable state.” Yuck. Yuck. Yuck. I think you all know the vulnerable state he’s talking about and I suggest you not picture it in your mind.
It’s dinner time which means lots and lots of sexual innuendo before they get to the sex card.
They race through their meal and Lindzi pretends to act excited when Ben drops the envelope on the table. Lindzi tries to pretend she’s a good girl but puts up very little fight when she sees that key. “I never let myself be vulnerable… the best way to come out of this is to be completely open to be.” Not sure if that makes sense (swear, it’s a direct quote) but I think it means she’s planning on going all the way. Blech.
A side note on this date: You can definitely tell that Ben likes Lindzi WAY more than Nicki. I know this because I spot at least one recognizable emotion on his face as she talks.
They arrive at the suite and Lindzi, like the rocket scientist she is, proclaims “It’s a fantasy of a suite.” REALLY? Yeah DUH! It’s a fantasy suite. Oh Lindzi… and I wanted to like you.
Each of them says vulnerable at least 3 more times and it’s go time. “I didn’t think she was in a place to fully open up to me,” says Ben. But we all know that she is definitely ready to open up to him now (sorry that was so gross, I couldn’t help it).
Cue the over dramatic music and we’re out.
Date #3: Courtney
I think it should be noted that my hate for Courtney has caused me to stop paying total attention on her dates. Apologies in advance.
This is the first time Courtney and Ben have been together since their faux wedding. Will there be a little awkwardness at first (and I’m not talking about the awkward run up)? Will Courtney call him her husband (it’s totally within the realm of possibilities)? Will he push her off one of the Alps (okay, I know that one’s a stretch)?
Today’s date is a train ride to a little village where they’ll be going on a, wait, don’t say it, I’m gonna let you guess it…. PICNIC!
“Come with me and all aboard,” says Ben (yes, I know it doesn’t really make total sense but they are his words, not mine). This is a phrase he’s practicing before tonight’s fantasy suite action.
The train takes them straight to “fairytale land.” Which I love since I have been comparing Courtney to a fairy tale evil monster/ogre/hideous queen since day one. But it also frightens me a little since I’m afraid she may take control of the village and put them under some spell where they’ll all turn into leprechauns and she’ll use them to do her bidding (woah, that got weird. Note to self: stop watching Once Upon a Time).
That kind of weirdness is what happens when they are talking because honestly, I stop listening.
In my humble opinion, this date is woof. I wish they were pushing her off a cliff instead of watching these two losers shopping and waltzing down the street.
They settle in for an afternoon of listening to Courtney talk about herself. “I’m so happy I hung in there. It’s been rough for me some times.” Shocker, it’s all about Courtney all the time.
A quick game of “Hey Cow” and it’s back to talking about Courtney. “I feel bad that it wasn’t easier for me,” she says as she attempts to bite off her lower lip. “I tried really hard to be nice with them.” Wait what? If that was trying hard, I’d hate to see what “not giving a shit” looks like.
After a fake apology and some fake off-screen crying, Ben is convinced that she’s just a sweet girl and not the big bad wolf we all know she is inside.
It’s time for part deux and we know that there’s still a small amount of tension because ABC has cued up Track 6 on the season soundtrack, titled “Concerned, Worried and yet… Hopeful.” Yes, it’s a complex, emotional piece.
Maybe it’s cause I hate Courtney, or maybe’s it’s cause Ben has zero personality on-screen, or maybe it’s because Courtney attempting to be nice is insanely boring but I can’t keep my eyes open on this snooze fest.
There’s some more fake apologizing and something about her being immature and then it’s fantasy suite time. Ben in his overly eager way spits out “I know how I feel about it but I want to see how you feel about it.” Um, Ben – this is the girl who stalked you to go skinny dipping with her on date three. I’m pretty sure she’s game for a little fantasy suite action.
And they’re off to their itty bitty hot tub where they open mouth kiss while I cover my eyes and attempt to control my gag reflex.
“I just feel so lucky cause Ben is the best thing that has ever happened to me.” BLECH.
YAY FOR EMILY
Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore, sweet sweet Emily steps in to save the day. It is well-documented that I freaking love Emily. Not sure how that will translate here but I imagine I will be a little protective and extremely hostile to all the douches trying to get at her.
This little cut in is a four minute commercial for Titanic (I’m not complaining) along with a little publicity boost for ole Ashley and Alli.
They play dress up (during which Ashley says she didn’t think JP was hot at first – um… LIAR!) and then head off in their tightest cocktail attire and tallest stilettos to watch a screening of Titanic in 3D. As they fake eat popcorn, they discuss how searching for love on the Bachelorette is just like losing your true love on a tragic ship accident. Sorry, I get really defensive when it comes to Titanic. Here’s a little secondary embarrassment for you all, I saw Titanic 6 times in the movie theater. Yup 6 times. Sorry for loving Leo.
But I digress, so the girls tell Emily that she deserves to find her one true love, just like Rose. But try not to let him drown at the end after you hog the piece of driftwood just for yourself while he freezes and dies. Woah Woah Woah. Sorry, I did it again.
And we’re back to Ben.
That little interlude is over and Kacie B. is back. Not one single soul should have been surprised to see her. But of course, Ben is and after a lot of awkward cursing, he invites her in.
Ole girl just needed a little closure and wants to know what she did wrong. Basically, Ben let’s her know that her Dad totally freaked him out and then he didn’t see himself being a part of her life. I can’t hate here since her Dad was super controlling and I wouldn’t want to see him at holidays either.
This whole encounter is AWKWARD. I start to get serious secondary embarrassment when they just stare at each other in silence. This is so weird. Okay she needs to either drop some truth or leave cause this is making me want to jump behind my couch
She finally pipes in with a rant on Courtney. “I feel like if you choose [her] you will get your heart-broken.” Ben is visibly annoyed and yells “PROVE IT!” Okay that didn’t happen but it would have been a lot cooler if he had. She gives one single example and then Ben shuts this madness down.
She leaves and proceeds to lay down on the floor outside his room. WHAT THE WHAT is happening here? Couldn’t someone have been like, “Um Kacie, there’s a whole couch like 15 feet away from you.”
She gets all sad and wonders what will happen as I yell at the screen “You’re 24. You have a great body. Just keep crazy under control and you’ll be fine.”
A confused Ben sits down with CH to hash it out. It this point I wish CH would just get real with Ben and let him know about Courtney’s bitch moves. Instead, he tries to get him to bring back Kacie B. – passive aggressive, I like it. You know that CH is just sitting there thinking that Ben is a total buffoon for falling for the planted actress but oh well. He just sits back, chugs his bourbon and water and waits for it all to end.
Roses go to…
- Lindzi. She definitely had to be first pick in that dress. That bandage dress was way hotter than those frumpy numbers.
Who will it be? I want it to be Nicki but I know it will be Courtney.
Cue the ominous church bells.
- Courtney. BLECH.
BOOOOOOOO. We’re just one step closer to that evil wench winning.
Bless Poor Nicki’s Heart. I’ll give her credit with going out in style. Not like Kacie B and that horrible crying madness. No weird sobbing or question asking.
“I feel kinda like a fool for falling so hard and so fast,” she says. Yeah, Nicki – that’s true. But at least you realize the errors of your ways. You’ll be fine, just don’t go on Bachelor Pad. There’s no place for you in those shenanigans.
Next week, the reunion. Are you pumped? I am but I just wish Courtney would be there so the other girls could verbally assault her.
Oh well. Until next time… stay tuned!