Monthly Archives: January 2012

January 31, 2012 · 4:40 pm

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part II

When I left you all we had just finished the group date. Well, I wish I was coming back with something more exciting to start with but alas, all I have is an Elyse one-on-one. Blech.

Oh but I will jump in and say that Bachelor Producer Robert Mills (@millsy11374) gave SE a twitter shout out today! This is the 2nd time (eek!!) he’s shared the SE but the first time I got some feedback. Needless to say, this little blogger was excited. AND… he said they’d be using competitive dates again. Double bonus.

Elyse is BEYOND excited (more excited than me getting re-tweeted) for this date which is going to make it all the worse when she goes on the date and Ben wonders who she is and why’s she’s been around this long. But really, she is SERIOUSLY excited. Like I think she may throw up she’s that excited. All. Bad. Signs.

Elyse – Let’s go somewhere private.

Elyse is literally crying she’s so excited (??). Someone needs to get this girl a glass of champagne. STAT.

She gets it together enough to throw together an outfit using her tangerine nails as a style guide. That and a leopard print bikini and she’s ready to go.

Uh oh. It’s the boat date. Boat dates are always a bad omen. Brittany got booted on the boat day during Brad’s season, Ben (some other initial) got left on a raft on Ashley’s season and well Kasey Kahl got left on that iceberg (okay so it wasn’t a boat but it was a large body of water and it was awesome that he got abandoned).

Courtney, while a total bitch, has been pretty spot on this episode with her commentary. “Ben and Elyse on a one-on-one doesn’t really bother me… I hope I got her number, I may not be seeing her later. I could use a personal trainer. [insert weird lip/mouth motion]” If she wasn’t trying so hard to be the next Michelle Money I might appreciate these comments more.

Tuxes on a First Date?

Okay, so date time. Strike one comes early when Elyse tells Ben (while constantly messing with her MASSIVE mane of hair) that she’s accomplished everything she wanted to so far. Ben calls her on it and I immediately know this date is going to be one for the SE record books.

She blabbers on about quitting her job to be on the show, to which I’m sure Ben made an “oh shit” face. But then I think about it and if you’re a personal trainer, is it really a “job?” Don’t you just go back to training your clients. (Okay probably not, please don’t send me mean emails Personal Trainers of the world). It’s at this point that we notice the dingy being drug along behind the boat. This must be Elyse’s sayonara water taxi, right?

After hearing enough about Elyse’s “accomplishments” (that’s in quotes because is moving to Florida really an accomplishment?), Ben suggests they dive off their floating mansion.

The jump is not just a fun water activity for Elyse, no she is literally jumping off the deep end into love with Ben. Exact quote. ‘There’s nothing better than the feeling of being in love.” For the sake of SE, I’m going to assume this was NOT taken out of context and proclaim “YOU ARE NOT IN LOVE!!!!!” Seriously, I yelled that at the TV. Loud. Really really Loud.

The last supper.

The second half of the date takes place on the beach where the two are dressed in black-tie attire for dinner (why?!?). This is just going to make the inevitable all the worse. He didn’t even love her in her best dress.

If this dinner could be any worse, it would be that Brittany/Brad date. Elyse talks the entire time while Ben fights the feeling to push her chair over and walk away. No but really, he stares off into space dreaming of scooby snacks and skinny dipping while Elyse dreams out their future together.

This goes on until Ben literally cannot take it anymore, so he begins his date wrap up speech. The cruel twist is that he’s holding the rose. So Elyse is all excited, huge smile on her face, thinking that she’s got this in the bag. But then the moment changes and Drew cowers behind his laptop praying that this will all just end before it’s even begun.

We’re forced to suffer through a cringe-worthy, embarrassing goose bump inducing, secondary embarrassment overload. The tears come fast and furious and it’s all downhill. He breaks the news and then does the one thing that infuriates me more than anything on this show, he walks her “out” while holding her hand.

You just broke this poor, pathetic girl’s hopes and dreams – just let her leave on her own.

He leads her down the beach while she wonders aloud what she did wrong. Oh Elyse, sometimes two people just aren’t a match but if you want specifics that dress was horrible, a ponytail never hurt a girl and tone down the tanning.

And then there it is. The getaway boat. It’s not the yacht dingy but a little coast guard-type boat ready to get her out of the picture. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, they cue the David Gray music. NO NO NOOOOOO!!!! Why must they torture this perfectly good song? I’ll never be able to truly enjoy it again.

The date finally ends with Ben poignantly dropping the rose in the sand.

END SCENE.

But wait, there’s no time for sulking – Crazy Courtney is here to make it all better. She’s positioned her stalker self outside his hotel room and waited with wine, nothing on, lotion, a knife and a slew of compliments… for herself of course.

“I bet he’s never skinny dipped with a model.” “I hope I’m a vision for him.” “I’m little miss sunshine, I just sprinkle it around.”

Yes, those are all direct quotes. The last one being BY FAR the worst.

They head out to the beach where Courtney and Ben quickly disrobe and Baywatch it into the ocean. Some overly familiar heavy petting ensues while I fight the urge to heave my dinner. They have to skinny dip because (as Courtney reminded us like 19 times) “You’re only in Puerto Rice once.”

That Courtney. She’s something isn’t she?

Rose Ceremony Time.

The first question the group of girls discuss is their confidence level. Courtney evokes her most annoying feature, her mouth, to do some weird lip pop while emphatically saying “Yup!”

Jennifer is one of the first to score some alone time with Ben where we catch a glipse of her seriously unfortunate flip flops (c’mon Red!). Her time gets pretty awkward as she gushes about how much she likes Ben. When she said “I think we’re on a path to love” I got the SE chills.

Next up Blakely, who confesses to keeping a daily affirmation journal of her love for Ben (creepy kinda). This blog is pretty similar wouldn’t you say?

Blakely has finally opened herself up to love and is ready to move forward with Ben or any other man if this whole thing doesn’t work. You know, she’s just gotta keep her options open. Strippers need love too. This outpouring of affection is sealed with a wet, sloppy, aggressive (did you see the grip she had on his face?) open mouth kiss.

Back to the girls who are coincidentally talking about skinny dipping (c’mon one of those girls had to be planted). Courtney can barely keep her secret. She looks like a 6 year-old girl just ready to burst at the seams.

After some time with Rachel and then Lindzi, it’s Emily’s turn. I’m hoping Em can keep it under control since she seems nice and mildly normal. Nope – she tells Ben she’s not going to talk about Courtney and then proceeds to talk about her for their entire time together. Ben is NOT digging it (we know this because the producers play Track 8 – “Not digging it” from their greatest hits soundtrack) and I’m pretty sure she’ll be the one leaving us tonight. Oh Emily, I had such high hopes for you.

One last note, what is Kacy S. still doing there? All she does is sit next to Courtney and reassure her. She is the Karen Smith to her Regina George.

Rose Time:

Kacie B. and Nicki (the twins) have roses.

  • Lindzi – He loves her even if she does act 11.
  • Jamies – Woah Prom Dress.
  • Rachel – Yay!
  • Courtney – Stop biting that lip!
  • Kacy S.
  • Blakely

Last rose goes to… Jennifer or Emily….

  • Emily! Woah, she got the cool your crazy rose two weeks in a row. She must be a good kisser or something.

That means Jennifer’s “path to love” has hit a dead-end. And this dead-end is a doozy. This interview is full of hiccup cries (has there ever been anything worse on TV/film than a hiccup cry?). I hate hiccup cries. Couple those with a “I just wonder what I did wrong” and I’m ready to change the channel. Oh this one is BAD. I’m afraid she may choke on her tears. Hopefully there’s a medic somewhere near. Yikes.

Enough of that, let’s talk about next week’s trip. It’s off to Panama City which promises to be full of Emily/Courtney drama, crying, binge drinking, crying, someone leaving, kissing, hot tubs and bikinis. Woo Hoo.

This was by far the best episode of the season and it gave me the mid-season boost I needed to continue.
What were your favorite/least favorite moments? Who’s your favorite? How much do you hate Courtney?

Also, if you get a chance please head over here and vote for me for best style blogger for my other blog LouWhatWear.com. Just scroll down and vote for Danielle! Seriously, it would mean the WORLD to me!

Until next time… stay tuned!

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· 10:19 am

“Who knew strippers could play baseball?” The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 5 Recap Part I

“This is where it starts to get serious.” Yup friends, it’s not all open mouth kissing and champagne-fueled group dates anymore (well, it’s still about those things, just not ALL about those things. It’s serious now, c’mon.)

Things are getting serious in Puerto Rico (we know all the girls made it cause they give us a half-second clip of home videos from the plane. Yay! Puerto Rico!) which as it happens, “is a great place to fall in love.” Let’s be real. They say that about every place they dump these girls. ABC could literally drop them in the middle of a decaying neighborhood in Detroit or some empty field in the middle of nowhere and they’d be all “this is the PERFECT place to find love.”

So they make it to the hotel where Courtney shoves the other girls out-of-the-way, claims her evil lair and begins to make plans for the week in Puerto Rican paradise.

Before Courtney (in her ironic “Be Nice” over-sized tee) can unpack her cauldron, Chris Harrison pops in (index finger ring and all – did you guys see that?) and breaks it down for the dense group of girls who are still “ooohing” and “ahhing” around the suite. Here’s how it’s going down:

Everyone gets to go on a date. Two one-on-ones and one group date. Don’t blow it (proverbially NOT literally) and make the most of your time (he’s looking at you Emily. No more Courtney talk. You’ve officially been warned.)

It’s date card time.

Nicki – Let’s find new love in old San Juan.
(yeah, it was written in Spanish but SE is only conversational in espanol.)

Before Nicki can go stare at herself in the mirror and decide if her appearance is worthy of Ben’s love, Courtney drops in with one of her, now trademark, one liners (or threats, tomAto toMAHto) for Emily. In the eternal works of the great poet Ice Cube, “You better check yourself…”

Back to Nicki, who apparently has NO friends in the house to tell her she looks MIZZ, who has thrown on the ugliest dress in her suitcase for her first one-on-one with Ben. She’s in luck though because Ben (who is sporting some champagne-induced man boobs) is sporting an equally unfortunate ‘fit.

They hop into a helicopter, ABC’s version of a taxi cab, and head off to explore Old San Juan. They’re exploring the city streets and basking in their new-found love (also known as the first date on this show) when Nicki proclaims “It’s like God is smiling down on us right now.” God, who most certainly doesn’t want to be associated with this show, responds with a torrential downpour.

It’s quite clear that God also wasn’t a huge fan of those outfits and the rain storm has provided a blessing in disguise – a necessary costume change. I say costume because they both choose the most ridiculously awesome Latin outfits in the shack shop.

Drew and I agree that Ben should wear his all-white get (with hat) the rest of the season or at least for the duration of his trip to Puerto Rico.

But I LOVE this dress! (Image: Buddy TV)

In their fresh new garb, they set out and happen to stumble upon a wedding (something that these two will never share). This causes Nicki to lose control and blabber on endlessly about wanting love and marriage again. Ben gets that glazed over look which usually means he’ll be going in for a kiss shortly to end the conversation (works every time!).

I will pause here and say that I’ve done some pretty serious hating on Nicki up until this point but she’s not half-bad. Dare I say I may like her? Okay, no I won’t go that far but she doesn’t suck or make me want to bang my head against the wall (which on this show is the exception NOT the rule).

It’s on to the dinner portion of our date and yes, Ben is wearing suspenders with his khakis and white Henley. Although these suspenders are not suspending anything. Oh Ben.

Ben has barely taken a seat before Nicki jumps head first into wedding and marriage talk. (“Too Soon! TOO SOON!” I yell at the screen.) All this commitment talk is making Ben (and his hair) sweat, so of course, he goes in for a kiss.

A quick look at the suite… shows the girls in a dog fight over who “deserves” the other coveted one-on-one dates. While Blakely and Elyse go back and forth, Courtney sits off to the side – watching and judging.

Group date card arrives and the group date goes to Lindzi, Courtney, Jennifer, Kacie B, Emily, Rachel, Kacy S., Jamie and Blakely.

And so it’s settled, Elyse wins the battle of the one-on-ones.

Back to Sally Sad Sack talking about her divorce. Ben loves the sadness and the fact that Nicki is always about 3 seconds away from crying, so she gets the rose! And they seal it with a wet, open mouth kiss.

Some notes from this date: How much does Nicki love saying “second chance at love?” Or really just the word “chance.” Also, if she is going to continue along this “journey” she’s going to need to step up her clothing game. That dress was unfortunate. And last but certainly not least, their final kiss in that weird chair was BEYOND awkward. Did you see how scrunched up Ben was?

Group Date: Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.

While the girls are dreaming up some fancy Neal Lane shopping date, Ben has something more exciting in store – baseball (yes, you read that right).

The ladies put on their most competitive (read: tight) athletic wear and suit up for day of drills with the Gigantes. Surprise of the night: Blakely played softball in high school AND college. Who knew?  This should be interesting.

After some lame hitting and throwing drills, CH steps up with a megaphone to reel it all in (who wishes he did that more often?), “Ladies, Ladies.” If CH is on the scene, you know things are about to get weird so I’m clearly hype.

So instead of the entire group cleaning up for a beach night, the girls will be split into teams to compete for the second half of the date. TWIST!

And, to take it one notch farther, one lucky lady will be batting for both teams (eww, not like that) with a guaranteed spot at the bonfire. Ben’s choice! DOUBLE TWIST!

Yes, I am a genious. (Image: ABC)

Ben, taking pity on her piss-poor at best baseball skills, picks Lindzi to be the MVP (Most Vapid Player).

Courtney and Blakely are captains and get to pick their squads. It shakes down like this.

Evil Queen Gang aka the Red Team: Courtney, Kacie B., Kacy S. and Jamie.

Strippers Need Love Too Posse aka the Black Team: Blakely, Emily, Rachel and Jennifer.

This game was a literal smorgasborg of secondary embarrassment. There were errant passes, strike outs, horrible fielding, tons of shouts of “let’s do this bitches!” and awkward running. One bright note, Blakely is surprisingly awesome at softball. On another bright note, Courtney had the line of the night when she said “Who knew strippers could play baseball?” The player caliber led this to be a pretty close game and it all came down to Red. We’re in extra innings, black team only needs (like they “NEED” the time with Ben) one run to tie it up again. We’re down to the wire… the ball is throw … STRIKE THREE.

Yup, ole Red blew it for the whole squad. Courtney’s team celebrates on the field in a shower of champagne while the black team retreats to the dugout to cry away their lives with Ben.

I’m a bit frightened for Red cause it seems that Blakely is taking this so poorly that she may just tackle her … or kill her in her sleep.

Oh well, once again the Bachelor taxi arrives (don’t make me tell you it’s a helicopter) to whisk them off to the beach. The losers hop on a bus and head home, alone in the dark.

Notes from this date: I’m going to go ahead and say this date was some of the producers best work. Cheers to you ABC. I’m thinking competitive sports/games should be a regular occurrence on the show. Also, I am extremely surprised that Courtney failed to drop a “Winning!” line on this date. I’m disappointed with you Courtney.

You ruined EVERYTHING. (Image: ABC)

Beach Date Time.

While the losers ride home with a serious case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), the winners escape for a night away with Ben. Upon arrival, Courtney sums up the competition like only she can. She waxes poetic on why she’s superior to all the remaining girls except the Snow White to her Evil Queen – Kacie B.

Kacie B. wonders if Ben is scared about committing to a serious relationship to which he defensively responds like a little kid, “I’m not scared, No No, I’m NOT scared. I’m not scared.” He should be scared of Kacie B.’s hair though. Can’t Blakely blow out that mane? That and her XXL crochet sweater dress do not say sexy.

So we all hook up now right? (Image: ABC)

But apparently, Ben doesn’t agree and runs off to get her the rose. He presents the rose, they open mouth kiss (blech) and their time is over.

Not one to let anyone else gloat, Courtney accepts the challenge and whisks Ben off for some alone time. Out on the beach, she tells Ben what she really “needs” from him in her best fake needy voice. She lays it on sweet and then finishes him off with a little bit of sexy by whispering in his ear that she thinks they should go skinny dipping. Idea planted, she returns to the group, proud of how her plan is unfolding.

 

Okay friends, last night’s episode was actually good which means I have a ton to write about. This also means it takes a TON of time. So, we’re going to make this a two-parter. I’ll be back later this afternoon with more from last night’s “SHOCKING” episode of The Bachelor.

To be continued…

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January 24, 2012 · 5:55 pm

The Evil Plot Continues. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 4 Recap

Sorry this recap is so later. I watched last night’s episode with my family in Miami and spent the day traveling back home to Louisville. So I apologize for the delay, hopefully it’s worth the wait (probably not but oh well, it’s all I’ve got).

This week we’re in the perfect place to fall in love. Perfect place, perfect guy, everything is just perfect. Well everything except Courtney. But more on that later, let’s hear what Ben thinks about Park City, Utah.

“There is every color in the rainbow” here in Park City according to our resident poet Ben. Ahh Ben, your words paint a beautiful picture.

We get a small clip of home video footage so we know the girls made it. Get ready for a week full of nature…. and champagne.

The girls arrive in their always fabulous hotel home for the week and we’re subject to the standard minute of “Oohs,” “Wows!” and “There’s a hot tub!!”Between gushing, we find out that, the always on the verge of tears, Nicki is really nervous. Shocker.

But there’s no time to fret because Chris Harrison is in the house, looking oh so casual-chic in his half-zip pullover. You can tell he’s just getting this little piece of business out of the way before he heads out for a full day of skiing and apres-ski hot tubbing.

The run down for this episode is as follows: 3 dates. 1 group. 2 one-on-ones. One rose on each date. To which you’re probably saying “duh” but this time Chris isn’t just here to drop the date card and run. He gets real with the chicks and let’s them know that this shizz is important so no more talking about the weather (chances that’s just a request from producers?). It’s time to get real and talk love.

Yup, they're competing for this guy's love and affection.

First up. Rachel – Let Nature Takes It’s Course.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty happy that Rachel finally gets a one-on-one. I’ve liked her from the start so I was hoping this was her time to shine. Unfortunately, I was wrong. But before we get into that, we have to hear Kacie B. whining about missing out on the date card. Our favorite baton twirler has fallen HARD for Bachelor Ben and is having a hell of hard time sharing him with the others. It’s so rough that the thought of it is making her nauseous. Too bad that’s what this show is all about.

 

While the girls grill Rachel about the upcoming date, Kacie B. fights back the spits well that is until Ben walks in and saves her weak stomach. Crisis Averted.

Scratch that, back to Kacie B. who is now talking about how the last thing she wants to see is another girl riding in a helicopter with Ben. This interview is interrupted by the sounds of the girls yelling, “Look! It’s a helicopter!” and her worst fears are realized instantaneously. You’d almost think someone was filming them? Is this a set up?

Enough of Kacie B. and her maddening love for Ben. There’s a helicopter date going on. Side note: I’m happy they’ve brought back the mid-season helicopter date. That was seriously lacking last season.

So up in the heli, Ben and Rachel do exactly what CH told them not to do – they talk about the weather/scenery. Strike One.

Strike two comes moments later as these two take their pic-a-nic basket down to the water front. This date is not coming along as I expected. I was hoping for Rachel to be normal, cool, confident and generally awesome. Instead she comes off as guarded, awkward, mildly insecure but still really pretty.

They pile into a canoe where the awkward convo continues. Thankfully Ben uses his signature move, the filling awkward silences with an open mouth kiss, and while it’s still uncomfortable to watch, it’s WAY better than listening to them say “Wow, it’s so pretty out here.” for the 33342305345th time.

Back at the resort…Monica baits Kacie B. into talking about how obsessed she is with Ben. Has she been planted by the producers? A few crazy in love comments later and we’re back to …

Rachel and Ben. Maybe it’s because they’re not total trainwrecks but this is a BORING date. Really boring. Rachel spends almost every moment telling us how nervous she is. We get it Rachel. But really, this is a television show you gotta do SOMETHING. Anything over than talking about the scenery and weather.

Since this date gets painfully drawn out, I’m going to spare all of us the misery. Here’s how it goes down. Dinner date. Awkward convo. Rachel finally opens up. Something about being bad at dating. Looking pretty. Drinking Champagne. Open Mouth Kissing. Rose Getting. Date Ending.

Group Date: Taking the Bait with Jamie, Kacy S., Blakely, Lindzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B. and DUH DUN DUN Courtney.

A note about Courtney before we head out on the group date.

Courtney is a psychopath…. and running the risk of eating her bottom lip. (Is that bugging the shit out of anyone else? Seriously, that lip thing is beginning to INFURIATE me. How can we make it stop?)

Okay, now that that’s out of my system, we can focus on the date.


The girls put on their best country looks and meet up with their “cowboy” which in Park City is synonymous with “Knight in Shining Armor with long flowing brown hair.”

Turns out they all get to go horse back riding which immediately sends Lindzi into a horsey frenzy. Ole girl loves her some horses.

While Lindzi prefers the company of horses, Nicki prefers anything and everything to do with Ben. She is some obsessed with him, which wouldn’t be so absurd except that that it seems like she hasn’t spent more than 10 minutes alone with him this season.

The girls dismount and it’s on to the fly fishing portion of the date. Here’s where things really get fishy.

Outfitted in their waders, Kacie B. continues along the road to crazy town while Courtney continues along the road to be hated by every TV viewer in America.

Courtney on Kacie B. (this starts the trend of the producers sharing Courtney’s insights on all the girls) “I think [she] is sweet and cute… and annoying.” Oh Courtney, we can always count on you to say something nice.

This leads nicely into the …

Live look at the girls left behind. Yes, it appears that everyone is just sitting around and talking shit about Courtney which, at first, seems a little annoying but then I realize that if I was there I would totally be doing the same thing (except I would never be there, such a conundrum).

Back on the date though, Courtney can do no wrong in our Bachelor’s eyes. He is a smitten kitten. The dorky smile on his face as he talks about her says it all.

Ben abandones the safety of the other girls and ventures into Courtney’s evil web of lies. There he is caught (no pun intended) and hooked (okay, that one was intended). Courtney holds him in her grasp with her hair touching, lip biting and stupidity.


The producers realize the girls haven’t had a drink in approximately 5 hours, so they hand them all a beer which gives Lindzi the liquid courage to sabotage Courtney’s one on one time. She’s about to hook Ben but then Courtney hooks a fish and Lindzi is sent back to the back, tail between her horsey legs.

Courtney’s evil plan conitnues to unfold perfectly while the girls complain aloud, pissed that the Wicked Witch has caught the proverbial fish that is Ben.

Enough of this fishing nonsense, let’s skip ahead to the bikinis and binge drinking portion of our date.

Side note: How have Jamie and Kacy S. made it this long?

And as if on cue, ready to provide an answer to everyone’s question – Ben pulls Kacy S. aside. Ben is clearly taken with her which is confusing since I thought he just met her.

While they chit chat, the girls consider toasting/making a pact (that’s how you make a pact on this show – with champagne, duh) to not interrupt each others alone time. Nicki immediately pulls back her glass, says “Nicki don’t play that” and storms off to interrupt the shit out of Kacy’s alone time. Get it girl.

During their solo time, Nicki drops a sob story about her boss passing away. They then bond because Ben too lost someone before leaving for filming. This is an emotional moment. How do I know that? Because the producers cued up Track 7: Super Sad Dead Friend/Relative Music from The Bachelor: Hits to Hook Up To. Their shared emotion obviously leads to an open mouth kiss which concludes their time together because obviously, what more could Ben want with her?

On to the next one, which as it happens is one of my favorites (more in a train wreck way than a seriously good way) – Samantha Sash. Sweet little Sam brought along the girls, who she thinks are her secret weapons. Instead they are her achilles heal, well them and her acid mouthed tongue.

Here’s where things get weird. So Sam grills Ben. Asking him why she hasn’t had a one-on-one, wondering if he really likes her, wondering where this will go. Then Ben breaks it to her. She is “highly emotional” and this shit ain’t going no where. Samantha is as shocked as we are, the crying starts, she says her goodbyes and she hits the road.

The worst part is that he walks her out. Just let her leave with dignity.

As Samantha exits, Courtney  (who apparently is the new narrator – COME BACK CH! Don’t leave us alone with her!) mutters “Excellent” under her breath and enjoys seeing another girl bite the dust.

With Samantha discarded, Ben turns his attention to the always needy Kacie B. He takes her off to his room where he makes her feel “special.” No telling what exactly that means but I don’t think I want to know. After some insanely uncomfortable and LOUD kissing (during which time I noticed how horrible Ben’s hair really is), Ben takes Kacie B. back to hot tub where we have to pay more attention to Courtney.

The last part of her plot to ruin the group date involves her laying on top of Ben in her bikini while complaining that she is “having a hard time pretending to be human.” She drops this line on him as he goes in for a big, wet, sloppy kiss. She puts the kibosh on that. No kissing until she gets that rose. She weaves a sob story about how she’s feeling vulnerable, unsure and is not doing well in the house (ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!! I scream at the TV to which my family responds with scared glances). Since Ben is totally wrapped up in her spell, he immediately jumps up, sprints to the rose and delivers it at her feet. She rewards him with a scooby snack while I yell, scream and get oddly upset about his idiocy (why why why am I surprised).

This exchange makes me 100% positive that she is an evil witch. Well that and her saying “Winning!” a la Charlie Sheen three times in this episode alone. Ugh, I hate her.

Craters and Country with Jennifer.

The last date is by far the worst date of the season so far and not just because of Jennifer’s awful outfit.

Let’s talk about it. You’re telling me that no one in that house could have lent her something better to wear than a ratty sweater, some baby blue uber flare bell bottoms circa 2001 and some low-top Converse sneakers. Blech.

The first part of the date involves Jennifer and Ben hiking to a crater where they rappel into the pool below. This TERRIFIES Jennifer for some reason and I stop paying attention as she shrieks like a little girl the entire way down. They take a quick swim (and we get a look at Jennifer’s horrible yellow bikini that she picked up 15 years ago at 5-7-9) and we’re painfully forced to watch them tread water. I think that may be the worst SE I’ve had all season. Jennifer seriously looked like she might drown. Someone throw that girl a floaty. Please. Make. It. Stop.


On to dinner, where “nothing can ruin [her] perfect date with Ben.” Um, I can think of one thing, not getting a rose.

After some seriously boring conversation, Jennifer snags the rose and some loud wet kisses. He must have a thing for red heads.

Getting the rose means Jennifer has earned the right to attend the final portion of the date – a Clay Walker concert. This hurts my heart since I like Clay Walker. You’re better than this Clay – so much better. They sing (but definitely don’t know the words) and dance. One thing that Jennifer didn’t get is dipped. Did you all see her throw her head back and leg up, not once but TWICE, in an attempt to get dipped? It was AH – MAH – ZING. If you DVR’ed it, please go back and check it out. I definitely watched it like 6 times.

Rose Ceremony Time.

As I said, I watched this episode at home and before this segment starts my mom decides to go and take a bath. I let her know that she is certainly going to miss the best part, you know the part where they get drunk and wear pretty dresses. Alas, that wasn’t enough to keep her interested. Her loss.

Rachel, Courtney and Jennifer are in the clear. Game on for the rest of the gals.

Okay but before, I have to say this Courtney lip thing is literally driving me crazy. That can’t be normal right? Why does she do that!?!

After a quick toast, he grabs Monica for some one on one time. While they get to know one another, Emily continues to fall pray to Courtney’s evil plan. We haven’t really talked out it this recap but anyone who watched the episode knows that Courtney is literally driving Emily crazy. She is unraveling and all Courtney can do is watch and smile, oh yeah and mess with her hair.

Jamie, who hasn’t spoken once this episode, drops some truth “Obviously you care about him or this wouldn’t be bothering you so much.” Uh, you think. Courtney has clearly gotten under her skin.

So Emily grabs some alone time and instead of wasting it talking about the weather, she wastes it by talking about how disingenuous one of the girls is. She says she won’t name names but then says “this girl got the rose on the group date.” Okay, way to stay cool. But much to Emily’s dismay, Ben rejects Emily’s “gossip” and tells her to go make friends.

After her awkward time with Ben, Emily comes back to talk to Kacy and Jamie about her unraveling. Bad choice to confide in Kacy, who it turns out is Courtney’s one friend in the house (so that’s how she’s stuck around so long- Courtney has let her in on the evil plot. Things are coming together).

Kacy runs back to her puppet master to let her know everything Emily has said about her. Shits about to go down.

“I’m a nice person. Don’t fuck with me,” says Courtney. Followed by, “I almost just wanna rip her head off and verbally assault her. Or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night.” Definitely something a nice person would do.

After some brief one-on-one time with Nicki, we get back to the real drama – the  Emily and Courtney hair twirling stand off. That’s how you know this shit is serious. Well that and the overly dramatic music.

The girls gather around in a circle and the show down begins. Courtney cackles and her evil lip takes on Emily. Emily stands no chance and withers under the pressure. She’s all sobs and runny mascara while Courtney doesn’t even break a sweat although she did sneak in another “Winning!” Woof.

Emily clearly has cracked under Courtney’s spell. The side effects are a serious face/nose twitch.

After lots more sadness, CH is on the scene looking good. But before e can even get a word in edge wise, Ben cuts in and ruins the moment.

Side notes: What’s the deal with Blakely’s love of super long dangly earrings? Are Ben and Chris wearing matching suits?

Rose time: 8 roses to hand out. One girl heading home.

Rachel, Jennifer and the Wicked Witch have Roses.

  • Lindzi
  • Jamie (still lying low, still hanging around, still wearing sparkles)
  • Nicki
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse (how is she still here?)
  • Blakely (one more girl gets to get highlights)
  • Kacy S. (at least we know who she is now)
  • Emily gets put on notice. The, as we call it around here, “keep your crazy under control” warning rose.

Aw Monica has to go home. She wasn’t half bad and her limo cry wasn’t so embarrassing. I mean, a little but not tragic.

Next stop: Puerto Rico.

To which the one-upper aka Courney replies “I was there two months ago.” Someone punch her please.

It seems next week will be chock full of more Emily & Courtney drama. That and Kacie B. being overly dramatic and familiar with Ben.

What did you think of this episode? Do you hate Courtney too? Are you afraid if you comment yes that she will cast a spell on you?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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January 20, 2012 · 9:12 am

Guest Post: Best (Relatively) & Worst Dressed: Season Premiere gowns for Bachelor Season 16

Hey friends… while I am always full of secondary embarrassment, every once in a while it’s fun to get someone else in on the act. Today, we’ve got a guest post from the fab Graylin Porter of YepIndeed.com . Graylin and I connected through a shared love and embarrassment of the Bachelor through Twitter. She’s got a great blog that you should definitely check out and when I asked her to do a guest blog I was more than thrilled with her topic choice – the dresses. They are truly a collection of the good, the bad and the straight up ugly. Without further ado, a look back at the premiere gowns.

HEEEYYYY! Image Source: ABC

The first episode of the Bachelor is right up there with Miss America as an opportunity to completely lambast women and what they put on their bodies, head, and feet. I mean seriously, every year it offers up two blissful hours of flammable fabric and synthetic hair, boob spillage, and plenty of drunken eye makeup to go around.

A couple of weeks ago, the start of season 16 did not disappoint—Ben Flajnik’s hair was atrocious and there was a healthy dosage of strapless dress tugging.

The Best….as in not completely heinous:

Rachel

Rachel went the classy route with this bright red, flowing gown–Modest and sophisticated (again, in relative terms).

Jennifer

Image Source: ABC

Her red hair gives her an edge in this crowd. And who knew navy blue could look so nice?

Kacie B

After the second episode, Kacie B is clearly the frontrunner and this dress was sparkly fun to match her bubbly personality.

 

Image Source: ABC

Editor’s Note: Yeah the pretty dresses are great but let’s get to the good stuff.

The Worst:

Shawn, Jaclyn, and Nicki

Image Source: ABC

Image Source: ABC

I understand that cleavage is paramount when choosing a gown for the season premiere of Bachelor. But, come on, at least find something that gives the illusion of support. These scream “BOOBS!” and not in a good way…

Jamie

The midriff baring cutouts are so late 90s, not that they were ever flattering in the first place. I would need an extra set of hands to count how many of these were at my high school prom.

Image Source: ABC

Casey S

Image Source: ABC

I only have two words for this one: mesh overlay.

There are many more, but alas, I had to pick the standouts. This season is already shaping up to be pretty entertaining. However, I am sad to see Jenna go this week…her crazy faces were worth all the tears!

Happy Bachelor watching all—let’s be extra snarky this season!

Follow me on twitter: @graylinsample

Website: www.yepindeed.com

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January 18, 2012 · 2:51 pm

There’s Hope in Sight! Emily Maynard Officially the next Bachelorette

It’s official friends – sweet, sweet Emily is the next Bachelorette. There’s hope in sight!

YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!! Image: Christopher Peterson/BuzzFoto.com

If Monday’s Shawntel cameo made you wish for the good ole days of Brad Womacks’s 2nd hunt for love and our favorite contestant ever, then you’re in luck. People has confirmed that Emily Maynard will be the next Bachelorette, this time with a twist. Rather than filming in LA (and all over the globe or in this season’s case – the coast of California), she’ll bring the army of suitors to Charlotte where I foresee lots of NASCAR, Country Music and Coastal Carolina themed dates (which in case you’re wondering, is a-okay with me – I am 100% not hating but I’m guessing it may interfere with Chris Harrison’s serious party schedule).

Better yet, little Ricky Tick will be back on the scene. I’m excited to see what that little spunky gal has been up to (other than coloring and watching iCarly). I’m guessing Ricky Tick wasn’t a huge fan of past-beau Jeremy Shockey (didn’t she know he went to the U?) so if she wasn’t loving an NFL Pro-Bowl Star then little lady must have some high standards. Looking forward to seeing what’s in store on this “journey.”

I’ll keep you posted on any other details as I hear about them!

Until next time…stay tuned!

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January 17, 2012 · 10:18 am

I left my dignity in San Francisco. – The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 3 Recap

And we’re back for week three. Time flies when you’re having fun, huh?

This episode is sure to be one to remember. It appears we’ll get to hear one more girl (I think the running count is 98 now) say “I can feel myself falling for {insert bachelor name here},” we’re also promised Ben describing a girl using the word “sparkles,” and {get excited} Shawntel in stripper shoes! What more could you ask for?!

The girls are excited, especially Nicki who “feels the only way” she can experience San Francisco ”is with Ben.” Oh Nicki. So so desperate. I mean, one of America’s greatest cities can only be appreciated within arms reach of one of America’s shaggiest Bachelors.

When you put it in a coffee mug no one thinks Champagne. Image Source: ABC

On a side note, someone needs to cut that boy’s hair. Can’t someone just sneak in while he’s sleeping (or liqurored up after a rose ceremony) and trim that puppy up? His bangs are becoming a serious distraction. Side note number two, is Ben planning this season alone? What happened to visits to Chang Mai and Anguilla? Instead we’re just traveling up and down the coast of California. Yeah it’s nice but I like to get some value out of this show and the scenic views (no, not i’m not talking about that kind of scenic views) were one of them.

So Ben sits down with his faithful sidekick/sister Julia to give a detailed recap of last week’s episode. The breakdown makes me wonder if Ben realizes this is only week three and his “meet the fam” episode isn’t for like 9 weeks.

Half an ice tea later, Julia is bored and already significantly dumber after hearing about how amazing and ready for love each of the bimbos bachelorettes are. She wishes him luck on his “journey,” rolls her eyes and returns to her life, thanking her lucky stars that it will be three months before she has to deal with this bull again.

Thankfully, Chris Harrison swoops in to save us from Ben’s horrid, solo recaps (doesn’t he know he lacks the experience, editing know-how and access to the Bachelor soundtrack CDs that make for a success recap?). CH is here to explain how the show works to the girlies. They pretend to follow along and jump up excitedly when he throws them the date card. Unfortunately for us all, he escapes for a night of drinking with the boys while the girls clamor for the date info.

Emily, Love Lifts Us Up. – Ben. 

The girls seethed with jealousy hoping that the cryptic message means that Ben will be dumping her off the side of a building. While the other girls plot, Emily does what any girl about to go on a date does – frets. She wonders “will he like me… will he think i’m pretty… will I pee my pants?” Yes, inquiring minds want to know Emily – will you pee your pants? Ah, the perils of being a contestant on The Bachelor.

Emily’s concerns are all very valid in Courtney, the wicked witch of the west’s, dead eyes. She sees Emily’s smarts (must have remembered that she’s some sort of doctor) but in her oddest, most vapidly conniving face she proclaims into her magical mirror, “Book smart can be a little boring.”

Let the SE begin, Emily & Ben execute the awkward run meet up. This may be one of my most hated parts of this show but I am also oddly intrigued by its constant reappearance on the show. One hug and twirl later and it’s date time.

The big surprise is that they’re climbing to the top of the Bay Bridge. It’s about damn time we got a date where they make one of the girls “face their fears” (this usually involves heights, crying and kissing). Some safety dude in a reflective vest reminds us this is serious business and I wish he knew just how serious. This is a climb for true love.

Hold on to my mouth.

I wonder if this is some sort of Bachelor meets Final Destination twist the producers planned this season in an attempt to permanently eliminate one girl from the competition each week. A girl can dream.

Oh well, one thing the producers did manage to take care of was strategically placing a telescope in the hotel room (what those aren’t standard?) pointed directly at the Bay Bridge. I think they may have thrown something sparkly in front of it just as Ben & Emily locked lips for their first “so romantic it occurred on the Bay Bridge” kiss.

If that wasn’t enough to set your heart a flutter, the two individually compare their hike and conquering their fear to their “quest for love.” Maybe these two are meant to be.  If they can take this bridge together, they can do anything!

They hug until their bodies can physically hug no more and it’s off to dinner. (Wait, how do we get down from here?)

During dinner, Ben & Emily share their dating horror stories which include a failed proposal and an attempted set-up with a sibling (he wins). In between grunts and blank nodding from Ben, Emily shares that she hopes to conquer her two biggest fears in one night – rejection & heights (Oh Bachelor, you’re always making dreams come true). She’ll have to wait because…

… back at the penthouse pajama party, the group date card has arrived.

Everyone but Britteney, Lindzi and Courtney will be crossing something off their “leap list.”

Enough of that, we’re back at the bridge where it looks like Ben is about to pull a humpty dumpty off his stool. After not paying attention to whatever Emily is saying, Ben cuts in, talks more about his dad and single-handedly wipes away Emily’s fear of rejection … for now.

She gets the rose and like a bat signal to the girls waiting by the windows, firecrackers pop into the sky. Their roars silence the tears of the girls weeping as they cry themselves to sleep.

Leaping Into Love

We're going skiing bitches! Image: ABC

The girls are all gussied up in their semi-slutty sundresses and stilettos. But Ben has a surprise, we’re going skiing? What, in summertime? Impossible you say!? Nope, not on the Bachelor. “WHHHAAAATT?” the girls say in unison. Ben tells them to put a sock in it while he shows off the features of their sponsored cars.

All the prep wasn’t in vain though. This isn’t your grandma’s (or anyone else in your family unless you have a porn star for a relative) skiing. This is Bachelor skiing which means the girls will be stripping down to their string bikinis to slide down the streets of San Fran.


The pros at The Bachelor have figured out a way to make skiing slutty. It’s like they’re just begging for a nip slip. While the good people of San Francisco gape, wondering what in the hell has happened to their fair city, all I can wonder, “is this a porno?”

We get a quick reprieve for the next date card presentation. This date is for the Grandma-loving Britteney. “Let’s unlock our love with a key to the city.” But it appears that ole Brit doesn’t want to unlock anything of Ben’s. Emily tries to convince Brit Brit that she and Shaggy will have a ton o fun but Brit ain’t buying it. I’m thinking she may be packing her bags in no time flat.

The girls put their clothes back on so Ben can take them to this “rad” bar to hang out or as contestants call it, binge drink. Ben decides which girl he wants to tongue kiss first and this time it’s…

…Rachel! He steals her away for a quick complement session before a brief but graphic (see below) make out sesh. But all that open mouth kissing under Kacie B.’s watchful eye has her on the verge so Ben does what any red-blooded American man would do…

…takes her on a walk and then sucks the crazy right out of her mouth. He’s required to do this after he notices Kacie’s uncanny ability to “sparkle.”

Back at the hotel, Britteney begins to come to terms with the fact that she doesn’t want to be a part of this charade. So she packs her stuff up and heads back to Granny’s.

As Britteney packs, Courtney nods into the mirror, acknowledging to her only ally that their evil plan is coming along perfectly.

Back on the date, Ben decides he wants to tongue kiss and sneak a boobie grab in with Blakeley. But before he can make a move, Britteney crashes the date to let Ben know she’s heading over the river and through the woods back to Grandma’s. Ben, once again, demonstrates his inability to show emotion and stares ahead blankly wondering when he can get back to trying to feel up Blakeley.

Ben stuffs her in a cab, sends his regards to Grandma and heads back into the tiki hut to consider the future…

… and who will get the date rose!

Tonight’s rose goes to”someone unexpected” Ben says although I pretty much expected it since the producers gave us a pretty graphic shot of these two open mouth kissing. Yup, it’s our favorite fashionista Rachel.

End Scene.

Trolley Hopping with Lindzi

It’s time for the annual concert date and I’m anxiously awaiting to see this year’s performer. Who will follow in the long line of adult contemporary artists forced to take the stage by their management?

The girls wake from the slumber party that never stops and clamor to find out who will get Britteney’s cast-aside date card. The honor goes to the resident equestrian Lindzi who is so consumed with excitement she makes Kacie B. seem normal. This news hits Ariel and Ursula (Jennifer and Courtney) hard, each hoping that they would be the poor unfortunate soul (YES! Finally worked in a Little Mermaid reference!) to get the last date with Ben in San Fran.

Who is this guy? Image Source: ABC

This date is a trolley hop around town where they cut the line at all of Ben’s favorite haunts. They spoil their dinner with a scoop of ice cream and then points out the stall in Chinatown where he scoops his weed. And then it’s on to the concert which takes place behind lock & key in City Hall. How romantic. They sway to music of Matt Nathanson (who for his own dignity’s sake probably forbid them from saying his name more than once), spin, dip and bounce to the next stop. Dinner is at a speakeasy where Lindzi attempts to act so surprised but we know she’s not since she’s sporting her favorite modern-day flapper look.

This is where the embarrassment sets in. As long as Ben is moving from task to task, he has little time to look insanely awkward trying to hold a conversation. But dinner presents a unique challenge – five (or what feels like an eternity) of chit-chat. He is void of all emotion until Lindzi lays the “Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You” text break-up story on him. Ben chokes back laughter and for once seems human.

Ben knows he can’t let her go home empty-handed after sharing her text-to-dump story, so he gives her the rose and takes her to one last stop. They open up shop at a piano store where he “teaches” her how to play his favorite song, yup you know it, just when you thought they couldn’t ruin a perfectly good song anymore, David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” is back. And it is now confirmed that I can never enjoy that song the same way again. We close with some tongue kissing (blech) and dreams of happily ever after.

The Bitch is Back

It’s Shawntel time. You remember Shawntel (not to be confused with Chantal) from Brad’s season (which, it must be said, was far more entertaining than this one). You know, the one who worked with the dead.

Welp, Shawntel hopped in her convertible and cruised down the coast of Cali to have her shot at Ben. She calls up our main man CH and let’s him know she’s coming back for round two. Apparently she and Ben met at one of the Bachelor cast reunion/drunk fest/orgy’s and had a “connection.” She doesn’t want to miss another chance at love so she’s throwing her name in the hat.

As she approaches like a storm from the north, the girls zip up their sparkliest dresses, highest heels and party pants ready to hunt for love. Courtney assembles the girls using the guise of a toast to a “drama-free” night but we all know she has roofied the girls as part of her evil scheme. Oh Courtney, you may have fooled these skanks and Shaggy but you’re not pulling the wool over my eyes.

Red aka Ariel aka Jennifer pulls Ben aside and lays it on the line that “she likes him.” Cue the intense onset of secondary embarrassment. A little slip up turns into a giant mess when she continues to gush all over him (using the word “dreamy” which literally made my skin crawl – seriously? are you 13?). Ben diffuses the awkwardness in the only way he knows possible, by slipping his tongue down her throat (hey, at least she stopped talking). The kiss causes Ariel to proclaim that she is “falling in love” at which point I lunged at the TV screaming, “YOU ARE NOT in LOVE. You have know this guy for a week, max. I repeat, you are not in love.”

Shawntel finally makes her way to the hotel where she meets up with CH who immediately tells her she needs a shower and a blow out. STAT. He sends her to her room to get her act together so she can crash the party in style.

Not one to let camera time be diverted from her evil plot, Courtney gives us her expert commentary on some of the girls. (None of whom she would be friends with in the real world. Um Courtney, I’m pretty sure the sentiment is shared.)

Nicki – Sweet but an idiot (may have to agree with that one).

Blakeley – the girl your boyfriends cheats on you with (yeah probably have to agree with that one too).

Before we can find out her thoughts on the enigma that is Kacie S., we’re back at the party where Courtney accuses Kacie B. of “eying” Elyse. Happy with her ability to stir up drama, she exits and leaves to find Ben with tension and drama in her wake Thankfully, Emily (who is going up in my book every episode as long as she cools it with the rapping) recognizes Courtney’s wickedness and informs everyone that she is “weird.”

She and Ben use a secret passage (so many of those this episode) to escape to the roof (be careful Ben) where Ben wonders aloud “I don’t know what you did to me the other day.” “C’mon Ben,” I scream at the TV. “Can’t you see she’s a wiked witch who has cast an evil spell on you?” Ah, if only someone would let him know.

Courtney then drops the ultimate crazy on him (while of course, bitting her lip), “We’d make really cute babies.” Whoa woah woah. You can tell Ben is even a little creeped out by this (it’s hard to tell sometimes) and laughs awkwardly while begging for someone to step in for the steal.

Back to Shawntel, who clearly is still of the mindset that she needs a reality show to find love. She knows that she’ll fall instantly in love with Ben as I throw my remote across the room in utter amazement and disgust.  She waltzes in all nonchalant past the bevy of beauties posted up too nervous to actually speak with Ben. They immediately crow “Who the hell is that bitch?” Their anger is palpable as they chase her in the most passive aggressive way possible – at least two feet behind her without actually speaking to her directly. Shawntel makes her way to Ben, who is chatting up Elyse, who is so surprised (hello emotion!) that she is greeted with a “Holy Shit!”

Yup, the grim reaper is in the {pent} house.

A quick break and we’re back to a chorus of “Who IS that?” “Who is that BITCH?” “Who the hell is SHE?” that is until one of the Bachelor-buffs recognizes Shawntel from Brad’s season. Let the insults begin!

Supresa!

I’m going to  have to break in here. So I get that they are pissed. But do these girls not already realize they are in a competition for one man’s affection with 20+ other girls? What’s one more? Yeah she’s a little late to the party (and a little desperate, I get it) but c’mon – it’s not Sister Wives here. It’s a show where you try to beat other girls at love.

Okay back to the madness. Shawntel attempts to explain she appearance to Ben while the girls circle around her like hormonal sharks. I feel increasingly awkward as each camera angle shows more and more hateful, watching eyes. Yowza.

After a quick chat, Ben takes Shawntel inside where he introduces her to the wolves and then leaves her to be slaughtered. She fumbles to explain herself as they pull her apart limb by limb.

Rebecca Black, in an attempt to make herself feel better, proclaims that Shawntel is uglier in person and has huge calves (okay, I’ve been saying that since she donned her first party dress).

Courtney, on the other hand, is pissed that another evil queen is on the scene and in true juvenile fashion, storms out. “If he gives her a rose, I’m leaving!” Jacklyn chimes in that Shawntel is just Brad’s dumpster trash (um, soon to be pot meet kettle).

Shawntel’s appearance on the scene has unleashed the crazy. Yikes. Ben, in a fleeting moment of intelligence, calls off the angry mob and says it’s rose ceremony time.

It’s worth noting that Shawntel has some serious cojones coming back. It’s also worth noting that the shoes in the preview (sparkly, strappy, slutty) are NOT Shawntel’s shoes (Ahh ABC editing, you get me every time – should have known those were Blakeley’s glittery gold strappies.)

Rose Time:
Emily, Rachel and Lindzi all have roses.

The rest go to…

  • Courtney – She’s up first but can’t decide whether to accept this rose. Its been “heavy tonight since I saw you talking to what’s her butt.” Yes, that’s an exact quote. She really did say that. Do you think she’ll give it back if Shawntel gets a rose? Gah, I hope so.
  • Kacie B.
  • Elyse

Each girl seems to be rubbing it in Shawntel’s face when they get a rose. Oh girls.

  • Jamie
  • Jennifer
  • Kacie S. – Seriously? When are we going to get to meet this girl?
  • Blakeley
  • Nicki the Nurse Who is BY FAR the most emotionally unstable girl left in the game.
  • Monica
  • Samantha

And the final rose goes to…

Hold your horses. It’s a Ben monologue. Nope, it’s a Rebecca Black meltdown.  It appears that binge drinking, high heels and standing for 6 hours have finally caught up with someone. This meltdown has given us more time to hear the gals hate on the evil death force that is Shawntel. “It’s all HER fault!”

They prop up Rebecca Black so we can get this thing over with and we finally get to hear Ben string together three full sentences.

After giving a breakdown of how wonderful (yeah right) the three remaining girls (Shawntel, Rebecca Black and Jacklyn) are, the final rose goes to NO ONE.

Bombshell.

As the girls scatter away in tears (or literally collapse to the ground in dismay – I’m looking at you RB), Courtney let’s out an evil cackle to cement her reign of terror over the group and cast Shawntel out into the wilderness. (Okay, I’m getting carried away with this, I know, but you’ll have to get used to it).

This Happened.

Shawntel’s left to pack up her suitcase full of one-shoulder dresses and head back to family funeral home. Unfortunately, her second stint on the Bachelor turned out worse than the first. Here’s hoping this is her last appearance.

In between, Shawntel’s self-recognition (“I just feel so dumb.” Uh, you can say that again), we find out the girls are heading to Park City (you know just another perfect place to fall in love). Not the tropical destination I was hoping for but at least they’re getting out-of-town.

Next week we’re in store for more “falling in love” bikinis, evil spells and yay! the reappearance of hot tubs! And it looks like the rag-tag gang of Disney Princesses come together to take down the evil queen. Although I’m not getting my hopes up.

What did you think of Shawntel’s reappearance? Was this the best (and by best, I mean most embarrassingly juicy) episode yet this season? Who are your favorites?

Also, I’ll be featuring a guest post tomorrow. So get excited.

Until then… stay tuned!

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January 15, 2012 · 4:51 pm

The Challenge Premieres Jan. 25 – Battle of the Exes – Are You Ready to Rumble?

This post is a little late coming but I had to share the exciting (in the most sad/ridiculous way possible) news that MTV’s The Challenge premieres January 25. This year’s madcap pairing/competition format – Battle of the Exes. Now don’t get confused thinking the exes get to compete against one another fueling all their hatred and hurt feelings into crushing their former lover. Nope, the exes will be paired up (a la Rivals) and will compete against other warring exes for the money.

In a sad/sick way, I cannot wait. I’m of the firm belief that The Real World still only exists to supply contestants for The Challenge (anyone else want to start a campaign to get “Road Rules” back?). I’m thinking that they should start trying to incorporate Jersey Shore cast members into the Challenges and let the drama begin. Just imagine J-WOWW or Snooki or better yet, Pauly D on the Challenge. I’m just saying.

Okay, back to The Challenge: Battle of the Exes. So I’m guessing you’re dying to know who will be competing. Well without further ado, the “contestants.”

Paula & Dunbar: We all know Paula, she’s a constant on these shows, I think they are legitimately her full-time job. I’ll admit I’m not as familiar with Dunbar. He’s from a Real World season after I stopped watching and must have been on the Challenges during that horrible time when MTV wasn’t available in HD on my cable system. (Thank god those dark days are over.)

Rachel & Aneesa: Aneesa is another Challenge constant (it’s nice that some things never change). I remember back when she was just running around naked on The Real World Chicago. Someone needs to remind me which season Rachel was on but I vaguely remember her from The Real World and several challenges.  Since Aneesa is always a little irrational and a bit of a wild card, so I’m sure this will make for some interesting drama.

Image Source: MTV

CT & Diem: My fondness for CT is well documented and I kinda love Diem so I know this team will be one of my favorites.

Image Source: MTV

Cara Maria & Abe: Woah, I thought these two crazy kids were in love. Welp, guess that’s over. Either way, I bet these two go far this season. I foresee a matchup with CT and Diem at some point.

Image Source: MTV

Ty & Emily: I have little to no idea who these two are which means two things 1. I am old & 2. They are clearly not on enough of these things.

Image Source: MTV

Dustin & Heather: See previous comment.

Image Source: MTV

Camila & Johnny: I didn’t know these two dated!! Johnny has never been a favorite of mine but Camila seems alright (and looks way better than she did last season) so I’m excited to see how this one plays out.

Image Source: MTV

Leroy & Naomi: Is she serious with that bathing suit? Okay now that that’s out of my system, I like Leroy. Don’t know much about Naomi but I’m guessing she’s sassy judging by her suit selection.

Image Source: MTV

Robin & Mark: These two are the ultimate veterans. I mean, combined, they must have been on like 30 seasons of the Challenge. On another note, dare I say that Robin looks young and kinda pretty in this picture? I’m sure any positive sentiment will be quickly erased when she lunges in the face of a fellow contestant for questioning her veteran knowledge and capabilities. Woof. Oh and yes, Mark was on the VERY FIRST SEASON OF ROAD RULES like 15 years ago. Ya think it’s maybe time to give it up (you’re probably saying the same thing about me right now).

Image Source: MTV

Nate & Pricilla: I have no idea who these people are but that Nate dude has a really wide face.

Image Source: MTV

Sarah & Vinny: Again, I’ve got nothing. Well except for noting how insanely large his calves/cankles are.

Image Source: MTV

Jasmine & Tyrie: So these two must have dated (cough hooked up cough) after last season. I’m not hating. I may be one of the few people who likes Tyrie and I think Jasmine is funny. Consider me a fan.

Image Source: MTV

Wes & Mandi: Boo. I thought we’d get a break from the evil ginger Wes. Unfortunately for us (& CT) we’ll have to deal with him once again. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for an early exit.

Image Source: MTV

 

So there you have it. Should be a fun season. I’ll be here Jan. 26th with a recap of all the hijinks, hookups and hitting. Bachelor Pad producers, I hope you’re taking notes.

Until next time (when i’ll have a guest post! woo hoo!)… stay tuned.

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January 10, 2012 · 11:54 am

Playing with Hearts and other tales from the Prince of Pinot. The Bachelor Season 16 Episode 2 Recap

We’re back and of course Ben is wearing baby blue Keds. Seriously, where did they find this guy?

We find out that ABC is as unenthusiastic about this season as we are and are forcing Ben to host the “girls” (aren’t they a little old to be constantly referred to as girls?) at his own home (clean the sheets mom) in his hometown of Sonoma.

The Prince of Pinot Image Source: ABC

But alas some things never change and they are still arming the contestants with video cameras for those great candid moments on the trip (‘Hey! We’re going to Sonoma! We’re on a plane! Woo Hoo!). While the girls gather up their suitcases full of tank tops, sequin dresses and bikinis – Ben walks the dog from Frasier around town (Even the dog hates those Keds) pondering what his father would think of this whole charade. I’m guessing something like “Are you crazy?” or “Really? You own a winery, still have a head of hair (despite its unfortunate styling) and are under 35 and you can’t find a steady chick?”

I say a little prayer and hope that Ben’s dad is trying to look past the absurdity of this whole search for “true love” from his perch on the other side.

During said prayer, Ben drives his open air jeep where he catches up with the girls who have just arrived in a haze of hot rod convertibles and champagne.

Ben welcomes the ladies to one of the (classiest) boozing capitals of the world with, what else, a glass of champagne poolside. Duh. But all the fun and games are short-lived cause he’s got a date-card to give out. Before they can sink their crazy eyes in him, Ben spits out Kacie B’s name and then retreats, allowing the girls to begin ripping her to shreds (both literally and figuratively).

Before we can even hear about how excited Kacie B. is to get the VERY FIRST date card, Courtney jumps into the camera frame to remind us all that she’s a model. Yeah, a model. Like a real live model. A really pretty one. Way prettier than anyone else. Seriously though. She’s a model.

Kacie B.’s saccharine sweet mug finally gets a little screen time and when compared to the evil monster that is Courtney, I can’t help but like her a little… tiny… itsy… super small… morsel of a little bit.

She packs her suitcase full of excitement and hope and gets ready for her do (it) or (let your feelings, dignity and confidence) die date. Yup, she either snags that rose (c’mon, like that won’t happen) or goes home.

See You in Sonoma – One on One with Kacie B. 

Before I get into this, I need to state for the record that just typing the letters “Kacie B.” gives me secondary embarrassment. I don’t know why but something about the way it sounds just makes me cringe. I thought you all should know since it affects all other decisions regarding her.

Kacie B. meet Sonoma. Sonoma meet Kacie B.

Unfortunately, there is no one for Kacie to meet since it appears the streets of Sonoma are deserted. Everyone’s probably off getting drunk (the classy kind of drunk, you know, off wine) somewhere.

Thankfully the streets are empty and the residents of this seemingly quaint town are spared from the high-pitched cackle that Kacie’s passes off as her laugh. It’s both perky and dark at the same time. I can’t pin it down.

The stop in a candy store where Kacie questions the “number of licks” in a way that only the most naive  girl can while Ben buys the most boring candy ever created, The Charleston Chew.

The most interesting thing to come out of this stop is a baton that Kacie steals from the window display. (Okay she probably didn’t steal it, but at least this way she gets a little edge.) It turns out (SO COINCIDENTALLY) that Kacie is a former baton twirling star. So upon spotting her instrument of choice, she snags it and leads Ben on parade through the street of Sonoma.

This date is all about learning. Ben teaches Kacie to play piano and Kacie teaches him to twirl a baton. Somehow I’m thinking she is getting the better deal. Although I’m having a hard time believing this administrative assistant will retain any of that piano lesson.

Post parade, they head over to a little cafe where the settle into one of the more boring conversations ever filmed. While the jabber on, I imagine that this is what happens when a guy from the AV club and a girl from the marching band go on a date after “blossoming.”

Back at the PJ Party it’s… AHHHH…. Date Card TIME!!!! 

Brittney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakeley, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Nicki, Jamie and Jaclyn all get a chance to “play with” Ben.

Blakeley aka the cocktail waitress aka the stripper is pissed about going on a group date which confuses me cause isn’t every day a group date for her?

 Back in Boringville 

Kacie B. snags the rose while Ben uses his odd cadence to tell her that she has reaffirmed his journey (where do they get this stuff?). After throwing down an open mouth kiss, they excuse themselves from the table to head back to his room. Wait, what? Aw boo.

I know Twirling a Baton is ridiculous! Image: ABC/Buddy TV

Rather than let this date follow a normal date pattern, ABC decides to throw a loop in things and have these two crazy kids head over to the local theatre. Nope, it’s not Train performing. Nope, it’s not the trailer for the latest Anna Faris movie. It’s the video from their imaginary wedding rehearsal dinner. Yes, a video full of toddler videos, baby snap shots and middle school performances. Consider me creeped out. Not creeped out the way I was when ABC tried to trick William and Ashley into getting married on their first date. No, this is a little trickier. Yes, it seems cute on the surface but it’s not. Nope, it’s weird. And if you don’t agree well then this blog is not for you.

The pair each shed some crocodile tears in their one on ones before we cut back to one more spit swapping.

In Ben’s words (yup, this is an exact quote). “Chemistry was there. Things were good. Food was good. Wine was good. Everything was …. [insert weird, awkward face here]… gouuuud.” Woof.

Prince Pinot and the Seven Whores. 

Okay, I know that titles a little harsh but oh well, just go with it.

"For you, I see.... Dragon." Image Source: ABC (Ron Koberer)

The group date is a competition. 12 girls all competing for his attention and by compete I mean display their boobs are prominently as possible (*cough Cough* Blakeley).

Turns out the gals are going to be in a play (OMG! This is SO exciting! Let me cover my mouth to show you how insanely excited I am about this!). The girls seem thrilled. Thrilled that is until they find out that the play was written and will be directed by a gang of 12-year-olds.

The kids, both adorable and in that awkward phase, gang up to bring out even more insecurity in the ladies by making them audition for ridiculous roles like “the Hippie” and “the Weasel.”

When it appears they have nothing left to give (except their cleavage), the kids throw them a bone and dole out roles like candy. The girls they “like” get prime roles where they get to lock lips with Prince Pinot. The other floozies just have to float around on stage in silly costumes pretending like their not drunk off of the pink punch the producers have been slipping them all day.

As the roles are handed out, I can’t help but wonder how the parents explained this insane “game/relationship” show to their offspring. I’m keeping my fingers crossed hoping that none of these parents will let their kids watch any of this episode (or any episode really). Definitely not something you think about for your child as they grow into a mature young man or lady. ‘You know son, one day I hope you can go on this game show where you hook up with a bunch of girls and pretend it’s real love.” Okay, after writing that, I’m pretty sure tons of dads would want that for their son. Definitely NOT for their daughter but totally for their son.

While Jenna flounders in her role and the kids punish Blakeley for her overexposure but tossing her into a gingerbread cookie costume (you go kids), some of the girls embrace their parts. Samantha, Emily and Rachel must have slipped the kids a $20 since they get some of the cutest costumes AND get to kiss Ben. Monica falls easily into her role of the dragon and if only Courtney were here, she could play the part she was born to play – Evil Queen.

More on that back at the hotel… 

Courtney has been deciding why she hates everyone while simultaneously one-upping everything anyone says. (“Oh you and Ben had a great date? Well Ben and I have already had six great dates and he told me he loves me and we’re going to get married.”) I mean, isn’t it obvious their connection was “undeniable.”

Woof.

It’s Play Time

It’s no surprise that Ben loves a play written by 12-year-olds. That and I think he loves being called Prince Pinot.

ABC has once again nailed it with their date creation. Getting these gals to replace their low-cut tops and short shorts with bulky, unflattering and best of all, ridiculous costumes is a pure stroke of genius. For some reason I feel like Chris Harrison may be behind this gem. He may have also fed Samantha the best line of the night, “What do you get when you cross a gingerbread man and a hooker? Blakely.”

Now Dance! Image Source: ABC

The play is mostly a revolving door of odd characters looking to plant a big wet smooch on Ben with the one exception of Monica whose goal is to blow off his clothes with a New Year’s decoration. Being full of hot air she is able to easily blow off his ridiculous lamb costume which drives the ladies (and it should be noted – NONE of the audience) in to a fit of excitement. It would appear that none of them have ever seen an adult male without his shirt off before.

It is that exact moment which causes the painfully naive Nicki to proclaim “Words cannot describe how amazing things were with Ben today.” Fortunately for Nicki, words cannot describe how I feel about that sentence.

The crowd cheers when the play finally comes to a close and each audience member collects the $20 they were paid to sit through that charade as they head out the door.

End Scene.

Now that the tom foolery is complete, it’s on to the standard group date routine: pool + open bar + bikinis + open mouth kissing + rose = pure insanity.

I’m not going to go into all the pool party details. Here’s what you need to know. Chicken Fights, Bikinis, Bathroom stall fits, Open Mouth Kissing, Tops Worn as Dresses, Awkward Convos, More Open Mouth Kissing, Spying, Crying.

I think other than finding out that Ben has a thing for red-heads, the most important discovery (not surprising, just important) was:

  • Everyone Hates Blakeley. From her overly long earrings (I mean I’m sure that’s all she wears at her “day” job but those things are a serious hazard) to her overly exposed bosom, Blakeley is public enemy numero uno on this group date. She doesn’t help her cause by slipping her tongue down Ben’s throat in front of the other gals and then bragging about it later. Seriously, they all hate her. Like A LOT. Despite their glares, snide comments and innuendo she still snags the rose. What a biatch. Oh and she talks about her Zodiac sign. Blech.

This date becomes so predictable that Drew and I spend at least five minutes discussing the bets Chris Harrison makes before each episode. We think he lays down challenges for Ben to make it more interesting (lord knows we all need it). I’m guessing it’s like can you kissing 10 of the 18 girls, make 4 cry and say ruh-roh all in one episode? Think about it. Why else would he be so happy at the rose ceremonies? He’s there to collect his winnings.

Okay enough of my rambling. On to Ben’s date with the Soul Sucking Evil Queen who goes by Courtney.

Don’t eat the Apple!!! Or Spinning the Bottle with a Model.

So Courtney goes all BOOO YAH on the girls when she gets her date card. I’m pretty sure she tries to start a fight with Kacie B. which automatically makes me like Kacie more. I’m also a little disgusted that she actually said, “How does that taste coming out of your mouth?” Um, who says that. Yeah, no one.

Don't make me eat you. Image Source: ABC/Buddy TV

Don’t worry, she followed it up with a ‘Winning’ in her one on one interview, so yeah if you even thought about liking her for like a half second, you should have changed your mind then.

But alas, Courtney has cast an evil spell on Ben and so she’ll get a chance to steal his soul, along with Scotch his helpless pooch, on the trademark picnic date.

Thankfully Ben remembers that Courtney is a model which saves us from three unnecessary reminders. No doubt it will come up at least 8 times over the course of the date though. So Ben packs up a picnic and takes her out into the forest where he leaves her for dead (wishful thinking).

They sit by a creek and talk about how awesome they each are (don’t worry, Courtney is way more awesome – she said so like 8 times). We learn they’re both rich and lead really awesome lives that none of us can even imagine, yeah they are that awesome.

After a quick snack on a blanket, they pack up, hop in Ben’s bulldozer (yes, you read that correctly) and move to another outdoor location where this time they eat at a table.

Throughout the date, I try to avoid looking into Courtney’s empty, glassy eyes since I’m pretty sure she is capable of stealing my soul is I look too long. Apparently no one warned Ben because he is under her mind control within minutes.

I wish Scotch could talk, you know he would lay down the law with Ben. He also would be best friends with CH. (I’m just saying.)

Dinner is filled with Scooby-ism, attempting to open mouth kiss and awkward fawning. Woof.

It appears that Courtney will be hanging around for a while because she snags the rose and with it, Ben’s future.

Cheers to Insecurity!

Now that all the dates are complete, it’s time to liquor these girls up and keep them awake until 2:30 a.m. hopelessly pinning away for a rose that confirms their self-worth.

Ben immediately grabs Lindzi who wonders aloud ‘do you even remember my name?’ Oh stop it, Lindzi. You’re better than that. I thought I might be able to like her and then she throws out that “dirt my makeup” line. Bitch please, that is such a lie. You’ve been wearing makeup since you were nine and don’t even try to tell me otherwise.

Next up he grabs some one on one with my new favorite, Samantha. This awesomeness is ruined when Super Tramp aka Blakeley comes and “steals him away.” This thievery leads all the girls into a fit of rage but rather than “stealing him back” they would rather sit around and talk about how rude it was. Okay Stephanie Tanner. Get on with it.

As the cocktails flow, so do the tears. It’s not long before Blakeley is crawling in a sea of luggage fake crying for attention (how mature of her), Jenna has retreated to the trademark Ashley Hebert purple comforter for consolation and a couple other random girls whose names I don’t know begin welling up.

Back to Jenna. One simple conversation with Ben throws this girl into a tail spin. Her awkward stuttering, nonsensical ramblings and glassy eyes made me want to retreat to the inner cushion of my couch. This poor girl is a mountain of SE which means she’ll be perfect for Bachelor Pad.

Bless Her Heart. Image Source: Buddy TV/ABC

Once she realizes that she is making little to no sense, she runs away from Ben while engaging in a fight between her dueling personalities. We painfully watch as she insults herself then reassures herself before insulting herself again. Yikes.

Since it’s finally rose time, Ben does a sweep of the house, pulling out all the crazies from their hiding spots.

It’s heart breaking time!

CH is back on the scene and between counting his winnings, he let’s the girls know that some of them will be heading home (or the loony bin) shortly.

Let’s do this.

Blakely, Kacie B. and Courtney already have their roses.

  • Jennifer – Told you Ben has a thing for red heads. (Apparently so does my husband, since she is now his fave.)
  • Emily – I kinda like her if I look past the whole rapping thing.
  • Elyse – Who?
  • Jacklyn – Really?
  • Erica – Rebecca Black lives to see another Friday.
  • Rachel – Love her even if she did forget her pants at the pool party.
  • Lyndzi
  • Nicki
  • Casey S. – Where has this girl been the entire season? Clearly she’s keeping her crazy under control.
  • Samantha – Woo Hoo!
  • Monica
  • Jamie

And….

  • Brittney

Shawn and Jenna both are sent packing. Shawn keeps her dignity and leaves like a proper adult. Jenna on the other hand dissolves into a giant ball of tears, sadness and shear madness. The conversation we’re forced to watch between her split personalities is painful. Let’s make sure she isn’t left alone for too long.

All in all, a pretty solid episode. Nothing too spectacular or exciting but hey, what can you expect when Ben is the Bachelor. It looks like things will be spiced up next week though.

What’s in store for next week you ask? Oh just a little trip to San Fran along with a surprise guest in stripper shoes and more fighting, crying and binge drinking!

Until then… stay tuned!

 

 

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January 9, 2012 · 1:22 pm

Contestant details from Cincinnati.com – Jenna “Don’t Call Me Crazy” Burke and Shawn “Am I a Blonde or Brunette” Reynolds

Are you all ready to hop back on the crazy train for episode two tonight? I’m still mentally preparing but in the mean time, I thought I’d share this tidbit I found on Cincinnati.com about two contestants – Jenna Burke & Shawn Reynolds.

Cincinatti is only about an hour and a half up 71 from Louisville, so finding out these two are from Bengal-ville was an interesting tidbit. It appears some of their former classmates sent in some info on the gals. Not surprisingly, Shawn has the more impressive background and Jenna, well Jenna went to Ohio State.

Here’s the full story – see you all tomorrow with the recap!

Jenna Burke, 27, from Loveland

Thanks for emails from their old friends here who read my blog Wednesday, we know more about Jenna Burke and Shawn Reynolds on “The Bachelor” this season (8 p.m. today, Channel 9).

Shawn Reynolds, 28, a 2001 Lakota West graduate

Jenna Burke, 27, is a 2002 graduate of Mount Notre Dame High School in Reading. An old friend says she was a member of the  Normandy Swim Club diving team and went to Ohio State University. She’s identified on the TV show as a New York City blogger.

Shawn Reynolds, 28,  is a 2001 graduate of Lakota West High School, where she was a soccer star.  She was a member of Lakota West’s Division I state championship girls soccer team, and earned a position on the United State’s women’s 16-and-under national team. She also played soccer at Arizona State University, where she earned a finance degree. She later got her MBA from Xavier. She’s a single mom with a 5-year-old son in Phoenix. She’s identified on the show as a Phoenix financial adviser.

If you want to see Jenna, you’d better watch tonight. She may not last much longer on the show after her meltdown on the season premiere last Monday, when she locked herself in the bathroom delaying the rose ceremony. Read more about that in my Wednesday blog here.

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January 5, 2012 · 4:07 pm

My Encounter with Ames.

Okay so that title is a little misleading. It really should read my {twitter} encounter with Ames but I didn’t want you all to think this was something unsavory (I mean how could it be when it involves the king of class aka Ames).

It is no secret here at SE that I have some serious love for Ames. I know things started out rocky and awkward between us but once I embraced what Ames was truly all about (and realized that was his truly awesome personality and not some fake act for TV) my affection has only grown.

The facial expressions, the wayward glances, the (lack of) fighting skills, really – I love it all. I’ve even forgiven him for that whole Jackie debacle. Which is why I was hoping we may be lucky enough to have him for this season’s Bachelor. While we may not have been lucky to have received a gift like that from ABC producers, Ames knew that we needed a little of his trademark one liners to keep us going through the season and so he’s taken to twitter to give us his personal play-by-play (and what a fabulous play-by-play it is).

And it is on twitter where I received this little gem.

Yup, that’s a direct message from Ames. Is it incredibly sad to say that this literally made my night (don’t answer that)?

You may be wondering how you can scoop your very own DM from Ames. Well, it’s simple my friends. Just watch and learn.

Yup. Basically it’s a combination of flattery, stalking and truth. Oh and please overlook his ridiculous comments about loving Ben. C’mon Ames, you’re better than that. I know you at least would have gotten a proper haircut prior to taping.

Also, you need to follow/read Get To Our Game (@GetToOurGame). They do hilarious recaps of The Bachelor/ette/Pad from a guy’s perspective and, most importantly, they appreciate the magic of Ames as much as we (is that a little presumptive) do here at SE.

Until next time feel free to check out some of my other Ames-Centric posts (here and here and here) and also… stay tuned!

 

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