I’m not going to lie, I’m a little sad to see the end of Bachelor Pad. Feels like the official end to Summer. But alas, Summer must turn to fall and Bachelor Pad must turn to The Bachelor. Ah, the cycle begins again.
But before we jump ahead, let’s savor the last
drawn out three hours few moments we’ve got with these crazy kids.
We kick off back at the mansion where the padders are recovering from the “dramatic” rose ceremony (why is everything so dramatic on BP?). Holly is worried about her “connection” with Micheal after he saw how hard it was for her to say good-bye to Blake. I’d bet it has more to do with him seeing her tongue kissing him on a blanket though. Hard to tell.
Before they can drown their sorrows in the unlimited supply of booze, Chris Harrison jumps in with another SUPRESA! Pack your bags sinners, we’re going to your favorite city! So appropriate for the last challenge to take place in Sin City.
This revelation causes Kasey to make his own revelation/proclamation of mindless BS, “I had a dream. Build an alliance to make it to the finals. And here we are…. All I have to do is predict that I will win that $250,000 and I’ll win.” Oh Kasey, it is sweet to have dreams but please refrain from sharing them like you are MLK changing the world. You’re on Bachelor Pad, K?
The crew arrives in Vegas where they are whisked off to an auditorium that looks very similar to the one used last season in the Jaberwockeez Bachelorette competition. C’mon ABC I thought we learned our lesson then. No more awkward white people dancing. PLEASE.
Instead of performing in a hip-hop dance troop (*sign of relief*) the posse will be attempting to recreate a scene from the Cirque du Soleil show KÁ (*groan* oh lord, please no).
This involves being harnessed in and performing a routine on a giant, 100-ft vertical stage. While I think this looks like a super fun, exciting thing to try, it appears that every, single person left is afraid of heights and this challenge makes them want to vomit. Well at least they know how I’ve felt the entire season.
CH steps out, still hung over from a night out in Vegas, to explain the rules of this challenge. Each couple will perform a one minute routine where they will be judged in four categories, one of which is (the always important) Chemistry. The have one day to learn the routine which include 50 seconds of choreography and 10 seconds of their own “free-style.”
The couple with the highest score wins and gets to choose who will join them in the finals. The couple with the lowest score will be going home. *Gasps* all around as the couples realize how “important” this challenge is (seriously, you’d think Bachelor Pad is life and death for some of these people). They all clap while they silently cry on the inside.
Perfect Not Horrible
Each group heads backstage to meet with the Cirque du Soleil cast members who drew the shortest straws. They all curse their lives while they attempt to teach the routine to the group.
- Vienna and Kasey – Vienna insults Kasey’s inability to do anything correctly while Kasey proposes they “form a heart with their bodies” for their freestyle. At least Vienna doesn’t think this is a good idea. She immediately shoots it down while I contemplate Kasey’s undying love for the heart symbol. (I liked when they showed the Cirque du Soleil guy in the background just shaking his head. Yeah, we’re with you bud.)Despite Vienna’s put downs, Kasey thinks they have this in the bag. Mostly because he is “smart and witty.” I’m not sure what being witty (he’s not AT ALL) has to do with this competition but whatevs Kasey. Vienna obviously thinks she’ll be the best at this (like she’s said for every other competition they lost). I smile since I know this is the last time I will have to hear her compliment herself.
- Kirk and Ella – Ella is afraid of heights and cables and ultimately, winning. She tells us for the 93rd time that she is doing this for her son which prompts me to yell at her to strap herself in and go with it. But of course, she doesn’t. The panic and anxiety of the 100-ft wall combined with her LA Gear sneakers from 1992 cause her to look like a hot mess up there.I am sad since it appears my two favs stand no chance at winning this. Hopefully someone else sucks.
- Michael and Holly – Well these two definitely won’t suck. It doesn’t hurt that Micheal is a professional choreographer and that Holly has rhythm. While Holly learns the routine, Michael (who memorized it after watching it once) stares at her longingly. I half expect him to pull out a blanket for them to lie down on to have a tear-filled heart-to-heart.
- Michelle and Graham – Michelle throws on her cutest workout gear and her and Graham attempt to learn the routine. They look great but the routine does not. Maybe Kirk and Ella stand a chance. Ah, but that’s no good. I want them both to make it to the finals. I’m so torn.
Predictably the judges are former Bachelor(ette) “winners.” Winners because the love they found on the show was legit (so far) and not just a move based entirely on getting famous (I mean that part didn’t hurt, can anyone say free Neil Lane?).
The three who will be forced to judge the performances know little to nothing about Cirque du Soleil or dance but hey, we like seeing them. It’s Trista (cause she is puppet who ABC owns), Jason Mesnick and Ali (aww swoon, Roberto carried her out. God I love him. Beating heart be still. Okay, get it together).
Tonight’s episode of Bachelor Pad Idol features four couples who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. GO!
First up, Michelle and Graham. They play up their “romance” while playing down their ability to do the routine. It’s not horrible but in no way is it even mediocre. Hey, but at least they kissed. Let’s all just try to forget about that weird hand shake thing they did. Yeah, that was weird.
Next, Kirk and Ella. These two fail miserably. Well, to be fair – Ella fails miserably. Kirk attempts to get her in sync to no avail. They stumble through an awkward minute and descend, much to the delight of everyone watching. (Ella – I’m still pissed that you couldn’t pull it together girl. I was rooting for you).
Then the evil empire takes the stage. They are pretty decent (I’m remiss to say any of them were actually good. I think it would be insulting to Cirque du Soleil). I ask a loud “There’s no way Ali can give Kasey the rose right? Right? Right?” I am horrified that they are no horrible. At least we’ve still got Michael to put our faith in.
Stag and Holly suit up, looking like a pair of attractive lizards ready to climb their way to victory. And that they do. They are as close to good as you can get and the other contestants resign knowing they have no chance now.
It’s decision time. Of course, Jason asks Holly & Michael is they are a couple. Michael beams at Holly hoping she’ll say yes but alas, she says no and breaks Stag’s heart for the 3468465498 time.
After attempting to provide constructive feedback, they announce the winners who are of course, Michael and Holly. More importantly, the let us know the losers who are sadly (and obviously) Kirk and Ella. Boo.
The producers haul these two off into limos in a hurry, not even letting them change out of their lizard gear. Geez, a little harsh huh? Ella cries because she let down her son. But I think she should be proud – she excited the show with her dignity intact which is far more than some of the other losers can say.
The Final Roses
The group jets back to the pad for the final rose ceremony. Michael and Holly spend the day interviewing the final couples trying to decide who they will take to the finals.
It comes down to a simple choice – Pick Vienna and Kasey and 100% guarantee a win OR pick Graham & Michelle and worry about the voting.
First they sit down with Ms. Piggy and Kermit but not before the Missus reminds Kermy to act as little like his self as possible. Stag, who has decided that the Huckleberry Finn look works for him, tries to question the pair but can’t get a word in edgewise between Kasey spewing nonsensical BS. When he says “it hurts my heart” I immediately stop listening and begin praying for Michael and Holly to choose Michelle and Graham.
The conversation ends and Vienna knows they are dunzo. She let’s us all know this by insulting Kasey for the next 5 minutes. He runs away to pout and she follows him, like a mom chasing a toddler, to chastise him some more for being such a weirdo. I’m glad I no longer have to contemplate the dynamics of this relationship. It is way too confusing.
So Vienna tells Kasey that he is a weird loud mouth and then Kasey runs away and pouts.
They sit down with Graham and Michelle and let them know they are torn between being selfish or sticking with the alliance. I think this is a total dramatization. The one thing Stag has going for him is that he hates Kasey which I love about him. It almost makes me forget all the crying he’s done this season.
After some melodramatic speeches from Holly and Michael about being selfish and selfless, they end up making the right choice and picking Graham and Michelle.
All is right with the world once again and it appears the evil spell Kasey cast on everyone has finally been broken. Ding dong the witch is dead.
Chris Harrison steps in and tells them to hit the road. Kick rocks Kasey.
As they ride off, Vienna breaks down sobbing while they complain about their “perfect rose record” being ruined. Waaaah Waaaah.
I decided to break down the finale into two posts. I’ll be back shortly with the dramatic finale to Bachelor Pad 2. (Sorry, I just stole that line from my man CH).
Until then… stay tuned!