While most of you settled down for a fun-filled night of Bachelor Pad hi-jinks, me and the rest of my kick-ball crew were competing in the city championship (you say nerdy, i say cool. agree to disagree). Thankfully our two-game total domination left me pumped and excited to stay-up late (yes, late for me is midnight) and catch up on BP. I knew this one was gonna be a good one with all the texts and tweets I was getting. What I didn’t know was that the contestants were all playing out their favorite movie rolls for the ABC viewing audience to enjoy (more on that to come).
Let’s get to it.
In standard fashion, we start with a montage. Doesn’t ABC know that I’m hooked already. No need to show Melissa crying and Gia prancing around in a negligee and heels, I’ll be sticking around to the very end.
We pick up right where we left off, at the last rose ceremony. We were already two minutes int the show so I was wondering where the required hyperbole was but thankfully an unnamed contestant says “that was the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor Pad history.” Nice work, even Chris Harrison couldn’t have timed that better.
Unfortunately, in what seems to be a pattern, any time the show gets mildly amusing, Kasey steps in and says some douchey words of wisdom. This time it’s “If you don’t choose a side you’re going to get cancelled.” It only gets worse when he says that is planning to “beat down [Jake's] spirit.” This isn’t the first and it won’t be the last time I say this about Kasey – WOOF.
Yes, I know I look like a tool in this shirt but when in Rome. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
On to the challenge, which apparently means – run out of the mansion in your bathing suit! Chris Harrison has borrowed one of Brad’s plaid shirts for this competition, puts the 19 girls from his season at ease.
So for today’s challenge, the guys are lined up with targets on their backs. The girls, armed with paint filled eggs, will be asked a question by CH. To answer, they will throw (toss, drop) their egg at the person they select. You get a point for hitting your target. Most points wins.
Vienna is elated and brags “I used to play softball, so I have pretty good aim.” No surprise there. “This challenge is going to be easy squeezy (peesy, weezy, ????).” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? Is she eleven?
First Question: Who are you least attracted to?
Only Micheal, William and some dude I couldn’t see get hit because the majority of the girls throw like girls (yup, that includes our softball star Vienna).
Second Question: Who doesn’t deserve the money?
Jackie, who nailed Micheal in the first round, slams one into Graham on this one. If anyone played softball, it was this chick. Her only competition at this point is Melissa who tosses one at Ames.
HI-YA! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Third Question: Who do you want to see go home?
The resounding answer to this question is Jake. All of the girls take aim at the Pavelka and his fragile emotional state is further damaged.
Comes down to Melissa and Jackie in a show-down. To Melissa, Bachelor Pad is kind of a slutty, less-violent Hunger Games. She is hoping to win this competition so she can prove herself to the
career tributes alliance.
All her hoping and praying is not in vain and she wins the paint splatter challenge. I take a moment to appreciate a few moments where Melissa is not crying or acting painfully insecure.
The Boys (I refuse to call them men) are up next.
All the girls stuff their fake ta-tas into their white bikini’s and get their targets put on. Let’s have our insecurities validated with paint filled eggs of despair.
First Question: Who is most likely to cheat?
Well duh, Jake throws this egg straight at Vienna. While the rest of the dudes send splatters all around.
It appears that Kasey and Vienna have more in common that being the scum of the universe. Kasey played baseball (debatable) and tells us that this challenge will be “easy squeezy” for him too. Then he proceeds to miss Ella by about 15 feet. So how did that baseball thing work out for you?
Second question: Who do you want to go home?
Erica takes most of the hits here with a couple for Vienna sprinkled in.
Third question: Who are you least attracted to?
This question is just an evil plot by ABC to make these painfully insecure girls break down to the point of no return. The other girls are able to remain relatively full-of themselves while Erica’s psyche is slowly torn down, egg toss by egg toss.
Clap if you think you're pretty. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Every dude slams here with an egg and then to add insult to injury, when Jake misses (which also clinched Michael’s win) CH makes sure to let Erica know that the egg was intended for her. Way to kick a girl when she’s down. As much as Erica’s weird face and tiaras creep me out, she can be kind of funny and she doesn’t like Vienna so I almost feel ad for her here. And let’s be honest, no girl wants a bunch of dudes (no matter how douchey they are) to tell them they are ugly.
But then, she ruins that moment by reminding us how vapid and mean she is when she wonders why the guys like Ella, who is “fat and not pretty,” more than her.
Winners: Melissa and Micheal.
These two will each get to go on a group date where they will hand out one rose. Let the real games begin.
After hosing off Vienna (no, not like that) Kasey makes a comment about taking Vienna to the “boom boom room” which almost breaks my spirit. These two are really making me contemplate all that is wrong with mankind. I really wish some sort of freak helicopter accident would occur and ensure that these two could no longer appear on the show. Nothing life threatening ( I guess) just something that impairs their ability to ever appear on camera again.
Side note: Is Michael for reals in that leather jacket?
Date Card: Michael, Are you afraid of the dark? aka The Scary Movie Portion of the Show.
For this date Michael chooses Erica (aw that was nice), Michelle and his girl Holly. He celebrates by getting a big bear hug from his twin in American Apparel printed tees and short-billed caps, Kasey (really? is this the uniform on the show? is this cool? do people really dress like this?).
Tonight’s group date will take place at a haunted hospital which is perfect for Erica since she is channeling the ghost of MJ in her gold, sparkle jacket.
As they wander through the hallways, I wonder aloud if there is an ax murderer lurking in the shadows ready to turn this date in to an awesome scary movie. Which leads us to the first of many movie references hidden in this week’s episode. ABC is channeling the horror genre for this group date although if we were going to off some contestants, I’d much prefer to have one of the trio of annoyance there.
In classic horror movie fashion, the group is split up. The two hot chicks are alone while Michael and Erica channel some Vanderbilt’s ghost. Now’s your chance ax murderer!
The whole scary movie thing only last a couple of minutes though because ABC can turn even the weirdest, lamest, scariest places into a romantic oasis with the addition of some candles in the shape of a heart. Add in a little picnic and champagne and you’re golden.
Michelle isn’t using her one-on-one time for romance though, she whips out her notepad and gets to business. ‘Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Broken Engagement’ is solved when Michelle breaks Michael down emotionally and gets to the heart of the matter – he still loves Holly.
This leads Michael to pull a Pavelka (no, not wiping his ass as Kasey calls it) and give Holly the ex (not to be confused with the lurking ax) the rose. He uses this gift to con Holly into talking to him for more than 5 minutes. Geez, what happened between all these couples that the guy has to use floral security blanket to get five minutes with the girl they were once going to marry?
It's this tuberculosis hospital romantic?
All this emotional heart-to-heart-stuff bores me and is WAY too heavy for BP. Where are Dave and Natalie when you really need them? All I want is for someone to go on a date to Vegas, wear a slutty dress and get their pool-side make-out on. Is that really too much to ask for?
The Next Morning – Back at the Pad
Kirk, who appears to be the only voice of reason, breaks down the couples for us. There’s Michael & Holly (not sure about the romance, but the alliance seems strong), Kasey & Vienna and our very own Romeo & Juliet – Ames & Jackie. While everyone else is off scheming, these two love birds are picnicking poolside, slow-kissing the days away.
Date Card: Melissa, Chart a course for romance aka The Single-White Female Portion of the Show.
Blake has decided that to succeed, he needs to con Melissa into being his partner. Rather than be upfront with, by far, the most emotionally fragile person on the show, he decides to make her think he is digging her. Bad move buddy.
Melissa has been picking up what Blake has been (fake) putting down and she picks him, his twin Kirk and their cousin Kasey for the date. These three dudes, who I will now refer to as The Brothers Backstreet, look oddly alike. Clearly Melissa has a type.
The crazy lady movie genre takes a backseat for a moment to the ever-emerging Mob movie taking place on set. For some weird, unknown reason, Kasey & Vienna are the most powerful in the house. Just writing that sentence makes me want to question my life. It is truly something I cannot wrap my mind around but apparently it’s the case.
Since Kasey is the apparent Don of the house, all the idiots must kiss his ring and sing “It’s not easy being green” to him everyday in hopes that he will spare them and give them one more week on the hunt for STD’s. No but really – How is Kasey the ring leader of anything other than the Muppet parade? I mean, if this guy is cool, I will happily live life as the biggest loser of all time (if I’m not already).
Side note: No Possesionista needed for Melissa’s dress. I have it and it’s from Forever 21.
On the date, the posse climbs aboard a giant yacht for a day of fun aka Melissa pretending she is the Bachelorette. Melissa is reveling in her five minutes of thinking “these guys are all here for me!” It’s every insecure girls dream. What she doesn’t realize is that none of these guys really like her and are just trying to get a rose and one step closer to the cash money.
Back at the Pad
Ugh, back at the pad Jake is still wishing Vienna would stop bad-mouthing him and Vienna is still constantly talking about Jake and how much she hates him. I am wishing, praying, hoping, planning an animal sacrifice to the gods to make these two stop talking about each other or anything for that matter.
BOO. Another awkward sit down between these two – I can’t take it anymore. Please NO MORE.
Seriously, Vienna is by far a giant waste of space and resources. “Who has the audactiy to do that?” she screeches to her crowd of mindless wannabes. Um, yeah Jake is a tool but you were engaged to the fool. I don’t think asking to talk to you is that audacious you idiot. I can no longer control my intense hatred for this wench. These people are mizzzzzzzz.
On the Open Seas
Blake tells us how he is going to use his sparkly white teeth and boyish charm to win over Melissa. UNfortunately for him, he has no clue that this will only unleash the beast inside just waiting to shower him in crazy guilt and sobs of lost love.
This guy had no idea what was coming. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)
Blake goes in for the kiss of death and it’s confirmed – he will get the rose and all of the Melissa that goes with it.
Melissa is love love loving being the boss. She is literally overcome with joy at pretending to be the Bachelorette. Melissa, you do understand that this only lasts one date right?
I do wish she had given the rose to Kirk since he is by far the most normal of the bunch but I am at least pleased that she didn’t give it to Kasey. Small victories people, small victories.
Get Your Scheme On
The next morning, we learn that journaling is a shared hobby among all Bachelor(ette) contestants when we find Gia curled up jotting down her plan for the future (Mrs. Gia Pavelka, Mrs. Pavelka, Gia & Jake Pavelka).
She uses her womanly charms to lure Graham away from Michelle for a chat on ways to get rid of Kasey & Vienna. Graham seems on-board but you can never tell with these fools.
In other news, Blake and Holly are flirting in the boom boom room (does someone wash those sheets daily? hourly maybe?) but not for long if our resident nut-bag has anything to say about it. Melissa goes hunting for Blake like her lost cat, looking under furniture and behind doors while pathetically screaming out his name.
When she finds him (“I find you!”), Blake is trying furiously to get his imagined rowboat to Holly’s serenity island but unfortunately Melissa comes in and capsizes his boat. (This is his analogy not mine.) Melissa is not scared to make shit awkward and she lays down and gives Holly the stink eye. Holly realizes that Melissa may go all single-white female on her and runs out as Melissa contemplates killing her with her lip gloss.
In a break-down of epic proportions, Melissa starts freaking out and talking about how she came on BP to prove that she’s a “fun, nice person” but instead she is just confirming that she is an “unstable 32-year old woman” (again, Blake’s words – not mine). I’m thinking it’s time the producers step in and commit this lady against her will. There is definitely something loose upstairs. Isn’t there something they can prescribe for this?
I want to feel bad for Blake but then he appears in his one-on-one interviews like he’s going to a really lame wedding – Black button down, vest AND skinny tie? C’mon dude – you can do better than that.
Rose Ceremony Time aka The Love Story Portion of the Show.
At this point in the show I am considering starting up a letter writing campaign complaining about the lack of Ames on this show. This guy is television gold – why is he not getting more screen time?
The next 20 minutes are spent with everyone scrambling around leaving gifts at Kermit and Ms. Piggy’s feet requesting their favor at elimination.
Jake begs Vienna & Kasey to take mercy on him (WHY? WHY? WHY?) and they dismiss and embarrass him in front of everyone. Thankfully, some people realize that it was a shitty, mean move. Point Jake.
That point is revoked when Jake whines about how he saved Vienna’s life last time and that she should return the favor. Wait What? Saved your life? Um, you are on a reality dating/competition game show. This is not war. Get real.
And then it happens. Kasey is on-screen, pulling up his sleeve and showing off his throbbing heart tattoo. To steal some Bachelor hyperbole, this is he most SE ever in reality television history. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? HOW IS HE IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING? The dude is not all there mentally. I am so overcome with embarrassment that I consider fast-forwarding but realize I can’t because I am literally unable to move. The SE has left me paralyzed.
“Look at that, it’s beating. It’s throbbing… it’s guarding and protecting.” Oh my word. Bless his heart. He has seriously lost it.
Thankfully, CH comes in and provides a whoosh of fresh air to help regain my footing in reality. He stirs up the pot by asking about all the tension in the house. This causes Vienna to throw a temper tantrum about ABC setting her up and forcing her to be there while Jake is there.
It what is arguably CH’s finest moment, he calls Vienna out, straight up. Tells her no one is forcing her to be there and that he will call her a cab right now. “Do it! Please for the love of God, do it!” I scream at the TV, hoping that my pleas will travel through the space-time continuum and get to CH in the BP past. Vienna is a big baby, of course, who talks a big game but regrettably, decides to stick it out with her heart guarder and protector.
Once Vienna retreats to her corner of the couch, under-eye mascara stains in tow, CH makes the “shocking” announcement that tonight TWO women will be going home. Woo Hoo! I love the twist, reminds me a little of Paradise Hotel.
The girls will vote off one person and the guys will vote off another. Let the Hunger Games begin!
Any hope I had of Vienna getting sent home is squashed when Gia freaks out. Turns out that Kasey knows about her convo with Graham about voting the dynamic duo off. Hurt by the betrayal of a friend, she storms off in a fit of tears, sheds her girly negligee and dons her leather jacket. And just like that she is gone … in the cab that CH called for Vienna & Kasey. Turns out the lies, back-stabbing and miserable, awful people were just too much to handle.
So the rest of the night is spent figuring out who will go home, Ella or Jackie. In a bad turn of events for all of us, two of the more likable characters on this show are up for elimination. I like Ella and want her to win the money for her kid and I like this whole Jackie and Ames love story. It’s a hard choice.
I spend the rest of the show wondering why these idiots listen to Vienna & Kasey. Even Ames goes groveling. C’mon Bud – you’re better than that.
In other news, it’s official – last season of BP was better. There I said it.
Finally, we get some Ames time and I can’t say enough how much I love this guy. “We’ve got a lot to be happy about” he says to Jackie. And here’s where the love story portion of the show begins. It seems between all the fighting, backstabbing and crying, two crazy kids found love. Ames is proudly displaying his love in his symbolic red pants. This guy is truly a classic.
I’m not even going to mention Melissa’s other crazy rant. I don’t want it to ruin this moment of reliving the Jackie & Ames love story.
At the ceremony, it comes down to Ella & Jackie as planned. “I’m safe but Jackie isn’t so I don’t feel safe at all.” says Ames. That’s true love right there folks.
Jackie ends up being the one to leave and Ames, like the true gentleman he is, walks her to the car and kisses her goodbye.
BUT WAIT! It’s not over. Ames looks back at the posse of miscreants left and decides that there is no place for him there without Jackie by his side. He takes off after the limo, waves one last goodbye to the cesspool of humans looking on, and jumps in to be with his true love.
Aw Shucks. He picked me.
I am torn because this moment is exactly what I needed after subjecting myself to two hours of this TV torture. But on the other hand, it’s hard to say goodbye to Ames.
We’ll see what the future holds for these two but I will say that I was touched by what appeared to be a true, genuine moment on this show. Who knew that could happen on Bachelor Pad?
“I think it’s safe to say we’ve won Bachelor Pad 2.” Gah, he’s the best.
Sorry that recap was a doozy friends. Much longer than I expected. I guess that’s what happens when they cram all that crazy into two hours.
What did you think of the Ames & Jackie exit? Was it the most romantic moment in Bachelor(ette) history? How much do you hate Vienna & Kasey? Will Melissa kill Blake?
Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.
Until next time… stay tuned!
p.s. – I kind of love the reoccurring Mask Dude. He really is the Phantom of the Pad (as well as the worst actor in America).