Monthly Archives: August 2011

This is not your Jam. – Kim Kardashian Official Music Video Preview

The Kardashians. There’s no keeping up with them.

Photo from E!

Kim just had the biggest wedding since that little shindig in London. Rob is now on Dancing with the Stars. They’ve got a line at Sears (okay, that may not be that great). Those little twins or sisters or whatever have turned into hotties and model now. Kourtney has that cute baby and well Khloe, she’s married to Lamar Odom. And now mom Kris is joining The Today Show AND The Talk. Life is good for the clan Kardashian.

But let’s not all forget about how Kim “broke into the biz.” A leaked adult video. Her and Ray J had a little too much fun and the video got into some sleeze bags hands – the rest, they say, is history.

Well it appears our girl Kim hasn’t forgotten about her roots. Although she (or the Aliens that control her and plan to use her to take over the planet) may want to.

Before the whole wedding hoopla (who’d she marry again?), Kim, like Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag before her, took a stab at music. Why on earth these people think they can sing is beyond me. Just because someone points a camera in your face 18 hours a day and regrettably people watch, doesn’t mean we all want to hear what your shower musical stylings sound like.

Yes, Kim made a little “Jam” and video to accompany it (people still make those? where do they air? not on mtv).  And let me say, it is a little raunchy. Think lots of sweat and booty. Yes, together that sounds gross but I guess that’s sexy these days.

To watch it on You Tube, you have to “verify” you are 18 years old to watch it – so that’s what we’re working with on the dirty side. Basically, this video makes Xtina (in her best dirtiest) look clean and the singing makes Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind (not gonna lie, i kinda liked that song) sound like a Grammy winning musical masterpiece.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

My personal opinion is that the girl should stick with being hot for a living.

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Wearing Crazy on Every Article of Clothing. Bachelor Pad 2 Episode 4 Recap

Last week on Bachelor Pad, things went dark right before they sent Jake packing. Would it be a surprise twist? Would he go nutso and attack Kasey? Would he be staying in a tie vote? Lots of conspiracy theories led up to a big giant disappointment. I’m especially upset with my boy Chris Harrison who swore it would be epic in his Entertainment Weekly blog post. Chris, just like everyone else on these shows, you lied. Should have seen it coming but I didn’t expect it from you.

So anyways, we’re back and Kasey of course, leads off with another threat (not a promise) “I swear if he says anything to me, I’m going to punch him in the mouth.” Nope that’s another lie. Jake does indeed say something and Kasey doesn’t throw a single punch but he does tell him to go “kick rocks.” Burn.

"What am I doing with my life?" CH ponders as he prepares to kick off the kissing contest. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Jake  tells everyone they “had the chance to do something really special” which is weird and then does an awkward bow to Vienna while leaving  everyone with the least cryptic message possible, “Vote off Kasey and Vienna.” Okay maybe not that obvious, but you get the point.

Side note: Did anyone else hear Michelle Money tell Kasey, “I love you” when she gave him the rose? C’mon Michelle, you’re better than that.

Kasey celebrates by telling us all that the “devil’s gone” thus continuing his string of consecutive episodes with over-exaggerations and false promises. Yup friends, this is the mastermind of “best straTEEgist” in the game (seriously can he not pronounce any word correctly? how much saliva is blocking him from properly saying words?).

All in all a major disappointment on that hanging chad of an episode.  Oh well, luckily for all of us, Melissa will bring enough SE for three seasons in this single episode.

Post Rose Ceremony, Vienna thanks everyone for kicking Jake off for her. It’s always about this one isn’t it? Thankfully our chief litigator, Erica Rose (starring in Torts & Tiaras this fall on Oxygen), is there to root out the truth. She’s on to Kasey and Vienna and vows to bring them down. If only I thought she was capable of such conniving.

After a quick montage showing us that we better be prepared for a lot more annoying Michael & Holly drama, we’re back at the pad for…

The Challenge – Pucker Up… If you dare.

Chris Harrison is on the scene and thankfully, finally picked up his dry cleaning – no longer needing to rely on Brad’s Goodwill pile for his latest stylings.

The camera pans past William and Drew exclaims out loud, “Wait William’s still on here?” Yup, it’s shocking to us all hun. But enough of that, we’ve got a challenge to get to. A very special challenge …

The Kissing Contest!

Instead of being full of excitement and anticipation, the house tries to conjure up a bunch of false morals (I’m looking at you Michelle Money) and immediately a hand full of people are all like “No, I can’t do it. That’s gross.” Um, HELLO!! You all are on BACHELOR PAD! Do I need to remind you that it’s a reality TV show where they encourage you to hook up and then stab your friends in the back for money? Yeah, you’re on THAT show.

Bitch Please. I'm for sure the best kisser. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Ugh, sorry for the rant but last season the BP gang were all over this challenge. They loved it. Natalie almost jumped out of her cropped top for this challenge. So to see this group just totally dismiss it, I was hit with a couple of emotions. Really I wasn’t mad, just disappointed.

Thankfully, someone reminded these idiots that they are on Bachelor Pad and, with the exception of Michelle (who must have one real moral, yeah just one), the gang decide to give this whole kissing thing a go.

Blake who couldn’t be more cheesy if he tried throws in the expected Charlie Brown “the doctor is in” reference and we’re off!

Holly (who I’ve also decided resembles a muppet) gets the first set of smooches. A romantic moment is coming since ABC cues up track 5 from the “On the Wings of Love Greatest Hits collection.” This means Michael and Holly will share a manufactured, forced romantic moment. Very similar to their entire relationship except without track 5 always playing in the background. While the rest of the guys respectfully plant a peck kiss on Holly, Blake goes in for the kill (it killed my insides having to watch it). this kiss lasted so long I had time to go to the kitchen, get water and a snack and be back in time to catch the last five seconds.

I settled back in just to see Melissa begin to unravel. Melissa, who is so mentally unhinged at this point that I wouldn’t want to stand within double arms distance of her, believes that Blake’s efforts in the kissing contest are just for her. That smooch wasn’t a way to win a slutty contest but rather the way to her heart.

And just in case you didn’t already hate Vienna, she steps up to bat with a warning for the fellas, “Don’t be sticking ya’lls tongues in my mouth.” Duly noted Vienna. (Note to self – Remember to eat a very light dinner before BP until Vienna is voted off.) Does anyone else think Vienna is channeling Britney Spears from her trucker hat, cut-offs, eye-liner, early K-Fed days?

On to the ladies. Michelle Money decides to sit this one out since she has a daughter and “morals.” I’m not sure that people on this show should talk about morals but moving on. Ella, who also has a child but is here for the money honey, puckers up and is ready to get her make-out on.

She gives us a very in-depth description of why she’s a great kisser while I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. We did get two great pieces of information in this challenge though. 1. It’s 100% confirmed that Erica’s lips are “maintain[ed] with injections every six months.” 2. As we all predicted, Kasey Kahl has bad breath. I predict it smells like farts and dust (Too gross? Sorry).

I’m sure you all want me to talk about Holly & Micheal’s “magical” kiss. But I’m not going to. I’m tired of these two.

Kasey + Melissa = Vomit. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

All in all, this open mouth kissing marathon made me a little nauseous after dinner but I like that they’re letting their slutty side shine. Now for the winners… as the editing predicted Blake & Ella are the winners.

Their  superlative in the Bachelor Pad yearbook is now officially “Best Kisser.” (Oo, I may have to do an entirely separate post breaking down superlatives for the entire cast. Woo Hoo)

Blake winning the challenge opens up the flood gates of crazy for Melissa. Watch out Blake because this girl is unrelenting (just ask the camera men who have been chasing her ass around the house).

Melissa is BEAMING. She’s still got those glossed-over crazy eyes but for about a split-second she looks happy. Like she’s finally going to get it. And by it I mean “it” with Blake in the fantasy suite.

The Sweetest Thing

So the date card (of course Melissa rushes to the door, thinking it’s for her and Blake) comes and it’s Ella’s turn to take one guy out on a date (thank god it’s not a group date). She picks Kirk which makes me happy since these two are the only ones who seems slightly normal as well as deserving of the money.

They head off in a fancy red Ferrari because ABC likes for these people to have the finest things in life for fleeting moments so that when they head back to their normal life they are utterly depressed, thus forcing them to come back and participate in things like Bachelor Pad and slutty reunion meet-ups. “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to ride in a helicopter again!”

Ella takes the wheel and they take the one mile drive to the other mansion ABC owns for these shows. You remember this little lodge/house. It’s where Bentley made us all cry by using the phrase “dot dot dot” and then Ashley hid her sorrows in that purple comforter. Remember?

Back at the pad Melissa is NUTS. It’s like she’s having a psychotic break on speed. She is out of control. Her insanity is giving ME hives and I cover my eyes and create a shield with the blanket, hoping her crazy doesn’t seep out of the TV and infect us all.

And just in case you were on the fence about her craziness, ABC cues up the kooky music which just further confirms the madness. I’m paying close attention to the music, hoping it doesn’t turn to the scary track cause that means she is for sure killing Blake and/or Holly.

After following Blake around and acting super desperate, Blake finally drops the bomb on Melissa – he may not be taking her on the date. Oh hell. You can see the anxiety and crazy swirling around inside her, just waiting to explode out her eyes in tears of desperation. Just when I think I can’t take watching this anymore we’re… 

Back on the date. Yikes that was rough. So back with Kirk and Ella and things are cute and sweet and nice. Kirk tells Ella about his college house from hell sickness and Ella tops his sickness by telling him that her step-dad murdered her Mom in front of her and her little sister.

These two are precious. I heart them and I heart them even more together. I’ll even forgive Kirk’s odd outfits and Ella’s graphic tees. They are sweet and I hope they win the money. And if they get a little make-out in between, well good for them.

This moment is ruined by going…

Back to the Casa del Crazy. In an attempt to escape Melissa’s madness, Blake accepts a sensual massage from Erica. They head off to a secluded lounger where Erica mounts him and holds him hostage with her bazooka joe’s until he agrees to be her partner. After releasing him from the suffocating pressure of her boobs, Blake considers Erica’s offer while sharing a romantic arm stroke. To sweeten the pot for partnership, Erica tells Blake “If you brought me [on the date], I would do whatever you wanted. 100%” Blake tells her she makes a great argument which Erica naturally attributes to her being in law school (Will you accept this verdict?). Get me out. of. here. 

Kirk and Ella’s night of romance ends with a hot air balloon ride in the backyard. “This is the first time I’ve ever had a hot air balloon set up in my backyard.” says Kirk. Really? That’s so shocking. You don’t drive Ferrari’s, ride in hot air balloons and take helicopters every where you go? Peasant.

This little love fest ends with a kiss shared in a cramped space with a camera man and the hot air balloon operate awkwardly looking on. Romance at its finest.

Dr. Love 

So the date card comes and Blake must choose who will enjoy the “slippery slopes” with Blake (and no, that is not a sexual metaphor). This causes Melissa to uncontrollably spit out (and then take back quickly) “We could be going sk……” (True confession – we watched that part like 5 times, I thought it was hilarious. Poor Melissa is so desperate for Blake’s affection that it is comical.)

Yeah, you're right. It is great having two boys fight over you. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

After spewing out some pure bullshit, Blake lays a shocker on everyone (okay, no one) and picks Holly. She accepts and Melissa is PISSED. “This is f**ked up” she says, making everyone uncomfortable and a little scared for their safety.

Let the madness begin. She begins huffing through the house in her bedazzled PJ’s (seriously, is she too distraught to get dressed? She is always in her pajama’s) and some house shoes she borrowed from Snooki.

Michelle Money comes on to describe this situation perfectly, “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves but Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day…. Including her hair tie. And her panties…. All of it.” Just when I thought I wasn’t on Team Michelle Money anymore, she comes back and steals my heart with that line.

As the crazy boils inside her, Melissa plots Blake's demise. (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Her craziness knows no bounds and honestly, I am tired of talking about it.  (But did you all see her stirring that yogurt to death? Someone save that Dannon.) I will leave you with my favorite Melissa line of the night. “He pinky swore. So I did my hair and my nails.”

Okay never mind, there’s one more, “I think you all should disqualify him for being a douchebag.” She says to the producers. “Aw honey” they respond, “If that was ground for disqualification, none of you would be here.”

To end this live segment from the looney bin, Melissa confronts Blake who is taking care of his dental hygiene for the evening. He promises to talk to her once he’s done brushing. And she waits. And waits. And waits, until Bachelor Pad cuts to commercial accompanied by the sweet sounds of his power brusher. Well played Bachelor Pad.

Going Down The Slippery Slope 

I found this date predictable and boring which also sums up my feelings about Blake and Holly. To be quite honest, I am getting tired of Holly. While I could watch Melissa act crazy for days, watching Holly cry about having too many boys like her is annoying… and boring.

So here’s my quick recap.

Limo. Flirting. Drinking. Private Plane. Flirting. Drinking. Flying. Skiing. Flirting. Drinking. Falling. Falling. Laughing. Falling. Fireside Picnic. Flirting. Confessing. Drinking. Overnight Suite. Drinking. Flirting. Kissing. Lights off. Giggling.

Blech. (photos from Buddytv.com)

Really, that’s all you need to know. That and that Holly turned her ear muff into a hipster headband.

Back at the pad: I an provide a similar recap to what was going on. 

Michael. Pouting. Staring. Lonely. Crying. Melissa. Crazy. Crying. Annoying. Micheal. Sad. Sulking. All-nighter pulling. Pouting. Waxing Poetic. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

As Holly and Blake waltz back into the mansion, I can’t help but think that Holly is playing everyone here. She seems all ditzy and flirty and nice but what if she really is just playing this game like a pro? Nah, that’s giving her too much credit.

Pad-ness 

When Holly gets back, Micheal literally RUNS to her. Desperate much? She was gone for ONE day. He and Melissa both are a little unhinged. No wonder Blake and Holly want to get away from them.

Michael wraps Holly up in hugs of love and begs her to love him back. She is kinda on the fence about the whole thing and keeps stringing him along. Blah blah blah until Holly tells Michael she kissed Blake. He gets all pissed and I am thankfully we finally get to stop watching this.

Rose ceremony!

After finding out who the cast of Dancing with the Stars will be (Chas Bono, Ron Artest, David Arquette, Kirstin Cavillari, Hope Solo and some other peeps) it’s on to the Rose Ceremony.

When is this going home? (photo from Buddytv.com)

CH appears on the scene ready to break the tension with his trademark combo os skinny ties, a case of champagne and a little attitude. We learn there will be no twists – just one man and one lady going home.

Instead of a booze-filled night of whispers, we get an all-out crazy fest. With people (and by people I mean Kasey and Melissa) running around trying to “save” themselves.

At first it appears the group is going to get rid of Vienna and Kasey (Woo HOO!!! Sweet hallelujah!) but then Kasey starts assaulting people with his Miami Vice suit and annoying pleas.

Just know “this money is necessary for my grandma to live.” A scheming Kasey tells a gaggle of mindless followers. Ugh.  It appears the king of all douches will live to play another day. Woof. Poor William.

All the while, Melissa is carrying around her blanket of crazy, begging everyone to “swear they won’t vote her off.” It gets so bad that, at one point, as Melissa runs up to a group, Graham begs to keep her crazy ass away from him.

Everyone lies straight to her face, saying they are voting Erica off. Melissa seems to buy it for a little bit before realizing her fate is sealed. She will be taking the limo straight to the mental ward.

Rose Time:

The twins (Blake and Kirk), Ella and Holly are safe.

Graham, Michelle (why was she crying?), Erica and Michael are safe. We’re down to the final four.

In the end, predictably William and Melissa go home.

William gets in the limo with dignity (I know, I didn’t know he had that in him) but breaks down a little once protected by the walls of the limo. Poor guy just couldn’t hang with all the backstabbing and scheming. Maybe he should have worked in some muppet impersonations. That would have definitely entertained me helped.

Well Melissa, you really showed us that you're normal and fun and cool, right? (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Then it’s Melissa’s last hurrah! She tries to hold it together but in the limo she does the worst thing to ever be seen on television. She holds in her tears thus turning her face into a monster mash of lunacy. It is embarrassing and beyond awkward. Guess love just wasn’t in the cards for ole girl. I’m sad to see her go.

PSYCHE!

So that was Bachelor Pad. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with this episode. Too much crazy clouded this recap. Hopefully we’ll get some better SE next week.

No more challenge, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be recapping this week. Gotta find another show. Suggestions?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Getting Awkward at the VMAs

Last night I channeled my inner 17-year-old (not too hard to do since I channel her every Tuesday night for Pretty Little Liars, every Wednesday for The Challenge, every Thursday for Jersey Shore and as needed for any other awkwardness) and watched the MTV Video Music Awards.

I returned to MTV for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, so I figured the VMAs was the next logical step. And anytime you say Britney Spears, I am there. Seriously ya’ll, I love her.

As I watched, I thought it would be a travesty if I didn’t share my thoughts on the event.

So here are my top 5 most awkward moments and my 5 favorite moments. As always, awkward goes first. It will make the highlights that much better.

What the What? 

1. Lady Gaga aka Joe Calderone – The first time.

So when I heard Lady Gaga was opening the show, I figured shit would get weird but I never expected Sir Gaga to make an appearance. Huffing a chucky and spouting all kinds of oddities, Joe Calderone came out and made everyone feel awkward as hell. When you make Brit Brit squirm you know you’re on the edge of sanity. Poor Katie Holmes looked like she couldn’t wait to get out of there. I was just wondering if this was real life.

2. Justin Bieber – The Snake, the Shoes, The Hair. Oh My. 
I am probably going to get a lot of hate comments after writing this but Justin Bieber was weird as hell last night. First off, how old is this kid now? Second, why does he dress like a lesbian hipster? Grow out that hair a little longer and throw some heels on that boy and you’ve got a pretty little lady on your hands. And what the h is up with those shoes? Leopard print sneakers? Who are you?
Now on to the snake. Why the F did he bring a snake? Is it supposed to make him edgier? I am so confused.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez at the 2011 VMAs. Photo: Getty Images

 

3. Lady Gaga Introducing Britney Spears 

I love me some Britney. I only watched this show to see them honor Ms. Spears but then they had to go and make it weird by having Lady Gaga introduce her. The part about touching him/herself made me want to vom. Couldn’t we have just had someone nice like Beyoncé honor Brit?

Not Cool Joe. Photo: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

Nope, because to add insult to injury. Brit was only given a nanosecond to accept her award (with weird-ass Joe Gaga standing too close and starring) and then had to introduce Beyoncé. Way to steal her thunder MTV.

4. Chris Brown 

Love the dancing but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable when he’s performing. Something about beating the s**t out of Rhianna always gets to me. Oh and that whole Nirvana part. Weird.
5. Katy Perry and Nicky Minaj – Weird is the New Black 
When did dressing like Punky Brewster on acid become really cool? I guess we have Gaga Calderon to thank for that one but really, aren’t there other ways to look like a “rock star?” I mean, Beyoncé has managed to do it perfectly since Destiny’s Child (hey – bare midriffs were cool then).
I just don’t get it. The box on the head. The ice cream necklace (do not try to make that dirty). Someone needs to tell them it’s weird and not in a good way. Weird in a “you look like a little kid who glued everything in their toy box to their outfit” kind of way.

Nicky Minaj – WTF? (Image: Getty Images)

Who Run the World – Girls. 

1. Beyoncé 

What’s not to love? She wore an amazing dress. Rocked an amazing performance AND announced to the world that she will be the most amazing pregnant woman to ever live. All in heels.

B killed it. Watch it the way it was intended. In HD here. (Sorry couldn’t embed from MTV). Gah-  Her smile at the end when she shows off her baby bump is adorable. Love Love Love her.

Amazing. Photo by Getty Images

2. Britney Spears 

Ok, I know this post has a 2000 VMA bias but I love these ladies. Britney Spears’ performances on the VMAs have been epic (epic amazing and epic awful but always epic). The only thing that would have made the dance tribute better would have been if Brit herself had led it up. But I know that as much as I wish Britney would go back to her 20-year-old self, we can’t go back.

Even when Gaga tried to break her and make her crack, Brit held her cool. Love her. Check out her accepting her ‘Best Pop Video’ award.  I know her get-up was a little unfortunate but whatever, it’s Britney bitch.

Brit loves her some ankle booties. Photo by Getty Images

3. Adele 

I already loved Adele. After her performance last night, I am obsessed.

To watch is to love. No further explanation is necessary.

4. The Hunger Games preview + Jennifer Lawrence

So I was going to call it a night but then they said that there would be a preview for The Hunger Games. Needless to say, I stayed up to catch it. I was a little disappointed with the length of the preview but seeing Jennifer Lawrence introduce the clip was enough.

My husband has been best friend’s with Jennifer’s brother since they were like 7, so every time we see her on something like this it is ridiculously cool.

5. Bruno Mars tribute to Amy Winehouse 

I thought this was a great tribute. Nothing too sappy or frivolous. They didn’t try to change her into something she wasn’t. I loved Tony Bennett and Russell Brand’s stories but it was Bruno Mars singing ‘Valerie’ that really nailed it.

Check it out here.

So after surrendering my Sunday night to MTV, I can’t say it wasn’t worth it. Not sure if I’ll be back next year. Aw, who am I kidding. All they have to do is say Britney Spears and i’ll be glued to every minute.

What were your favorite and least favorite moments? What did you think of Joe/Gaga? Would you wear a yellow box on your head?

Bachelor Pad tonight!

Until next time… Stay tuned!

 

 

 

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Move over Elle Woods, Erica Rose Esquire Coming Through

Earlier this week we saw the trashiest tiara wearer  in all the land carrying around a gavel in her hunt to eliminate Kasey from “the game” on Bachelor Pad. Why, I asked aloud, is our pretty pretty princess working legal mumbo jumbo into her regularly scheduled vapid musings?

Erica? Is that you?

One helpful reader helped fill me in on the deets. It appears Erica Rose is in law school. Yowza.

According to her website TheEricaRose.com(yes, you can book her for parties, bar mitzvahs, club openings or any other event where a scary plastic surgery remnant is needed),  Erica is in law school.

Erica lives in Houston and concluding her final year of law school at the University of Houston.  Her new goal is to put her judgmental attitude for the greater good and have her own court show as a younger, hotter, Judge Judy.  “Dr. Phil” agreed and endorsed Erica’s career as an Entertainment Legal expert.

Okay first off, she’s almost done with law school?!? I knew she was smarter than she appeared.

Second, speaking of her appearance, what has happened to her? She looks totally different in this picture. If it weren’t for the tiara and extensions, I’d think I was on the wrong website.

And last but certainly not least, is she for real with that last sentence? “Her new goal is put her judgmental attitude for the greater good and have her own court show as a younger, hotter Judge Judy.” Seriously? I’m not even going to mention the grammatical errors, what I really want to focus on is the “younger, hotter Judge Judy” part and the fact that Dr. Phil has “endorsed” her. I thought Bachelor Pad was crazy but this is sheer madness.

What would Erica’s show be called? Let’s have a name Erica’s show contest with no prize except my love & adoration (and a mention on the blog, but we all know that can’t be worth much).

I’m confused by the alien sent from another planet to melt our brains human being that is Erica Rose. Just when I think I have her pined down, she throws us a curve ball.

Can’t get enough of Ms. Rose? Keep up to date with which Muppet Baby she’s hanging out with by following her on twitter, @LegallyErica  

Don’t forget to play the “Name Erica’s Show” game in the comments section below. I’m excited to hear some doozies.

I wasn’t able to watch the challenge last night but I promise I will tonight and I’ll post the recap tomorrow.

Until then… stay tuned!

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Ruh Roh – Ben Flajnik is the Next Bachelor According to Us Weekly

Jinkies! It appears goofy haired, silly voiced Ben “Scooby Snacks” Flajnik will be the next Bachelor according to Us Weekly.

Yup friends, it appears Mr. Cream Dream (if you forgot  or don’t know about this – you need to. Click the link)  himself will have 25 desperate   lovely ladies vying for his reassurance of their self-worth love.

No word from ABC yet but it appears his little puppy voices, shaggy hair and painfully monotone voice have melted ladies hearts the world over.

I can’t say I’m a big fan of this decision. I will say this is welcome relief from the thought of Ryan P. aka Prince Charming from Shrek aka the Sun God being the next Bachelor. That would have been just a little too much for me. Personally, I was hoping for Ames. That man is pure, television gold. His awkwardness knows no bounds and he does a fabulous one-on-one interview.

Oh alright Neil, I'll try it again. (ABC/MATT KLITSCHER)

I’ll keep you all posted on any more details that come out.

What do you all think of Ben as the next Bachelor? Who would be your pick? Will you be watching?

Update: I just found this pic of Ben (courtesy of starcasm.net). Yup, this guy is the next Bachelor. I don’t know where he was all season of The Bachelorette but maybe if this guy shows up, we could be in for some good times. 

Cheers! Wanna Party? (starcasm.net)

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Letting Trailer Trash and Tattoos Run Your Life – Bachelor Pad Episode 3 Recap

Hey friends – Can we all agree that last night’s show was the most chock full of SE in Bachelor Pad history? Sorry, I’ve been watching this show so long the hyperbole has started to come naturally.But really, it was awful – so let’s dive into a pool of awkwardness, shall we?

The montage gives us a sneak peek of all we have to look forward to and none of the nasty, icky parts that make us squirm and want to change the channel (see Kasey & Vienna doing anything, Jake and Erica rose canoodling in bathing suits, open mouth kissing). It appears that there are some chinks in Kasey’s protective armor, some emotional scars that have yet to heal for Michael and some crazy that cannot be kept under control for Melissa. Ooooo Weee this is gonna be good one (and by good, I mean painfully awful).

Kirk, the resident nice guy starts off by breaking down the “power couples.” Take note of this phrase because it’s going to get its fair share of usage this episode. And just to show that he has a sense of humor, he tells us about the least powerful couple – Blake and that crazy blonde girl who won’t stop following him around.

We pick up right after the last rose ceremony (WHY WHY WHY isn’t anyone talking about the epic romance they just witnessed between Ames & Jackie?) where Melissa chugs some sort of clear liquid (vodka, water, sprite, all three? who knows? ) while whisper yelling at Blake. Yikes. I mean, if Kasey and Vienna weren’t on this show, I would definitely hate her the most.

This happens. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

So all the girls try to console her when what they really should be doing is slapping her senselessly while reminding her that she met Blake exactly one week ago. Even Holly (who should be required to remain 50 feet away from Holly for her own safety) gets in on the crazy patrol. No one is safe from her madness. NO ONE!

Woah, okay sorry. That was me getting carried away in her madness. Luckily I’ve escaped to finish this recap (nope, it’s not almost finished. you better settle in for a nice long read).

Melissa falls asleep in a puddle of her own tears and vomit while the rest of the cast pass out or retire to grope each other until morning.

Competition Day: 

Morning of the competition, we awake to find Vienna crushing Kasey with her body weight and kisses. The site of these two immediately causes my body to reject my dinner and makes my dog run out of the room in terror. I wonder if these two have noticed similar reactions in their daily lives? The minute they hit the screen, I pray that it ends and my prayers are answered by the sound of Chris Harrison’s voice alerting the group that they better recognize and get their asses outside.

CH continues to inexplicably raid Brad’s hand-me-downs but is sporting some of his fresh attitude which almost makes up for the poor fashion choice.

Side note: Did you all see Blake without his hair gel? Who let these Geek Squad tech guy out of his standard issue VM bug and onto this show?

So CH let’s the posse know that today’s competition will involve being judged by their skill, talent and overall performance. The group gets excited since they assume he’s talking about sex. Instead, they are immediately disappointed when they learn he’s talking about synchronized swimming.

Just like on the last challenge, Vienna finds a way to make this one about her. She tells us that she is going to be the BEST! at this because she swam and was on the dance team in high school. She clearly fit these activities in during times that weren’t softball season (since we all know how awesome she was at that).

We also learn that this will be a subjective aka judged contest. So ABC uses this as an excuse to bring Dave and Natalie, last year’s winners back. They will pick their friends to win  judge alongside the only person there who has any idea what synchronized swimming is supposed to look like – the gold medal winning, world champion coach (we know that because she is wearing her medal) who has got to be hating her life right now.

"Get me outta here." (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the group prepares we learn two important things about our BP friends. 1. Erica Rose cannot swim. She cannot dive. She cannot doggie paddle. Yowza. 2. Michael Stagliano choreographs dance. Hold the phone – are you for reals? No wonder I’ve been picking up on a slightly feminine vibe.

Clearly only one of the aforementioned contestants is in the running to win.

All the Single Ladies

Any BP challenge would not be complete without costumes, so the girls prance back in with their new ‘fits on ready to drown. Vienna tells us, “I have the hardest part in the routine and I am much better than the other girls” so she is shoo-in to win. Just like last time right Vienna? She’s always so humble and gracious this one.

Do these flowers make my boobs look big? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the girls prepare to dive in, my mind wanders and I wonder if anyone has considered drowning Vienna and Kasey during this challenge, putting them and all of America out of its misery. Sorry, back to the challenge.

The girls routine is horrible and the “judges” try to comment their way through it without falling on the ground in a fit of laughter. Our trusty narrator Kirk steps in to tells that the girls routine was “yugh” but I think he really meant to just say that the girls in general are “yugh.”

As they attempt to keep above water, I am reminded (possibly by the music) of the Fat Ballerina Hippo routine from Fantasia. I’m pretty sure that was what they were trying to recreate here. You make the call:

The routine wraps up and the judges confer. I yell at the screen hoping that Dave & Natalie will hear my pleas and give the rose to ANYONE but Vienna.

It’s Raining Men

The dudes “suit” up to create a rainbow of man packages. Yuck, that sentence was disgusting. Sorry.

Without even having to try they are infinitely better than the girls. The ability to dive into the pool is the first of many things the girls found hard, confusing and scary (those adjectives sound really dirty when combined together in a post about Bachelor Pad) which the boys were able to easily master.

Ta DAAAAA! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the Bachelor Pad Backstreet Boys swim in beautiful circles, I applaud BP’s effective use of the pool for the first time ever. Way to use your resources. That moment is ruined when we get an underwater camera shot of Jake’s under carriage. I am now forever scarred.

The guys put the figurative cherry on their synchronized swimming sundae with a twist and a flirty hand wave from Michael. Such a showman.

Judging the bad from the REALLY bad

Natalie and Dave applaud those who didn’t suck but weren’t actually very good – Vienna, Holly, Kirk and Jake. Then Karen, the synchronized swimming expert, pushes them out-of-the-way to reveal the actual winners – Michelle and Micheal.

How much are we getting paid to do this? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

They will each get a rose and go on another awkward group date. Yipee – another chance to see Michael make Holly feel uncomfortable.  No but really, I am SO happy that Vienna and/or Kasey didn’t win. The mere thought of watching them on a date makes me want to consider moving to a country without television (that is about as serious as it gets with me).

But before we can get to the dates, ABC throws in some Erica & Jake tongue kissing and groping (did you see that awful awful camera angle of Erica laying on the lounger? Hopefully you didn’t cause it was rough) and a Kasey & Vienna fight for good measure.

Apparently Vienna has been acting too “cordial” (who knew that Kasey’s vocab included that word?) to Jake. This causes Vienna to fly off the handle and opens up the fake tears flood gates. This girl cannot be real. Basically, these two make everyone cringe and it appears that the others way be waking up from the zombie spell they put on them. Here’s hoping.

Jake echos this sentiment, in a much cheesier and annoying fashion by saying “Everyone is looking for a hero because Kasey and Vienna are so overexposed.”

ABC prolongs the madness by following Kasey and Vienna into the pantry where they are discussing who’s crazier (don’t worry there’s a lot of Pot/Kettle stuff going on this episode). When Kasey tells Vienna she’s acting crazy, the producers – in a moment of brilliance - zoom in on Kasey’s tattoo. Well played, camera man. Well played.

Hungry Eyes  - Michelle’s Group Date 

As if it’s a surprise, Michelle tells us that she is taking Graham on the group date. She says his name like she wants to eat him. I’m not sure what it is about the tone but it makes me fearful that she is going to use her crazy, witchy eyes to cast a spell on him, turn him into a human graham cracker and eat him. I apologize for any nightmares that statement may cause.

The third and fourth wheels on this date will be Blake and Kasey. Dang, these dudes are racking up the dates. I respect this move by the queen of all crazy Michelle. She is trying to break Melissa and Vienna by taking their men on the dates. Okay, maybe she’s not that clever but for now – I’m going to pretend she is.

Kasey throws on his “date” blazer/coat thing and it’s game time.

And with this kiss, I thee wed.

Today’s date takes place at a vineyard where the group sits around drinking wine and discussing their feelings. Or as it’s called everywhere else in America, girl’s night out. Michelle isn’t there just to swap stories though. Nancy Drew is on  mission to find out what makes these guys tick. So she separates everyone in a quest to discover all their secrets, which she will store and use to back-stab them in future episodes.

She lays down the law for Blake, telling him that he better “make it right with Melissa.” Uh, good luck with that one.

Then she grabs Graham, pulling him aside to confess her undying love that formed 5 days ago. Michelle’s drunk eyes say ‘I love you’ and Grahams uncomfortable posture says “Please don’t eat me.” In the end, Michelle wishes that she and Graham could find “some common ground” which on Bachelor Pad means spit swapping.  This date ends up being, all-in-all, pretty boring. It ends, predictably, with Michelle giving Graham the rose and stuffing her tongue down his throat.

Every Rose has its Thorn. An evening with Brett Micheals.

Michael does an elfin jig when his date card arrives and gives his lucky charms to Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly looks absolutely thrilled about this date, I mean who wouldn’t want to go on ANOTHER date with your ex-finacee?

Holly makes this clear when she says “I feel like we can’t make a decision about our future at this time.” Um, wait you mean you don’t think Bachelor Pad is the best place to make decisions? Yeah, you’re probably right about that.

Before they head out on their date, Vienna stuffs her face with a sandwich (“Lay off me, I’m starving!”) since she knows she may not be able to eat for like 30 minutes.

Today’s date involves the group doing a little horseback riding but not before Vienna throws on her ugliest outfit and runs up the mountain like a chubby 5-year-old girl. Woof. They horridness that is Vienna continues as she complains about EVERYTHING.

Just to show how amazingly awful Vienna is (and how cute, sweet and awesome Ella is), they follow every nice thing Ella says with Vienna being an ungrateful hag. If I were her horse, I would buck her fat-ass off. But then again, her horse probably lacks the strength to throw her off under all that weight.

Feed ME! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Back at the pad: Blake makes a french toast peace-offering to Melissa not knowing that a blood offering is the only way to appease this beast. I also think he is wearing a leather shirt. In the end, the Melissa/Blake team is back-on, mostly because Melissa is so insecure that merely partnering up with someone makes her feel loved. 

The horses finally carry the crew up to the top of the mountain, where a picnic awaits them. Vienna proceeds to scarf down whatever is placed in front of her while Michael grabs Holly for some alone time.

Unfortunately for us all, we’re subjected to watching these two hash it out again. Basically it’s the same convo moved to different locations. They cry it out and make no decisions but isn’t that what loves all about?

“Deep down, I don’t think we’re supposed to be together,” says Holly. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right about that one. Can you please please please let Michael know so he stops acting all weird/excited and inviting you everywhere he goes?

Back at the pad: Kasey contemplates what his life is all about while staring out at the horizon. In his voice-over, he tells us that his “brain adapts to changing situations.” Well, yeah Kasey – that’s what brains do. This asshat is unbearable and I still cannot fathom how a group of individuals have agreed to follow his decisions. 

Woof.

We also get a sneak at Erica and Jake acting like two awkward, sexually-active band geeks. You know those kids in that were always feeling each other up in the hallways? Yeah, it’s like watching that but the girl is wearing a tiara (actually, I feel like some band kids at my school wore weird hairpieces like that – so it’s basically the exact same thing). Moral of the story – Gross (and I don’t care if Erica says it was “hot” it was not hot. Not hot at all). 

Back on the mountaintop, Micheal and Holly conclude their cry fest with him bestowing the rose upon her yet again. Ella and Vienna pack up their picnic and head home. Meanwhile, Michael and Holly get the awesome punishment reward of getting to hang out with Brett Michaels on his tour bus.

Voice of Reason. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Michael & Holly climb aboard the first train to syphilis and break down their love story (for the 45943958239042 time) for Brett who proceeds to give them his advice. Hold the phone. Why in the f is Brett Michaels giving anyone love advice? Has everyone gone mad and forgotten this guy did like 9 season of ‘Rock of Love?’ I guess when you’re on Bachelor Pad, the guy from ‘Rock of Love’ is a legitimate source of inspiration. I don’t know, it’s all too confusing.

It only gets worse when he serenades them. It is a personal pet-peeve, turn-off, source of insane amounts of SE, when people serenade someone. It’s even worse when he is serenading a couple. I also cannot bear to listen to Holly & Michael talk about the poignancy of ‘Every Rose has its Thorn.’ I mean really, are these people serious? Is this real life?

Thankfully the concert ends and Brett is like “Show’s over, get the hell out of here.” So they head back to the pad for some goo, old-fashioned conniving.

Commercial Break Question: Okay, I am serious here people. If you know of ANYONE applying for The Bachelor(ette) please please please tell me about it. I need to hear about this. It can be our little secret. 

Promises are Forever 

Now that the date foolishness is out-of-the-way, it’s time to get our secret plotting underway but not before another stomach-churning moment between Kasey & Vienna. Kasey pulls Vienna over for some alone time where he confesses, once again, how much he loves her and reaffirms his commitment to guard and protect her. Woof. Then he goes to his pocket, where Vienna romantically says “I don’t want you to propose to me.” Real nice. I hate both of these two mongrels, but I fear I hate her more.

Instead of an engagement ring (you know he can’t afford that shiz yet), Kasey presents her with a promise ring. They kiss and a I realize that every moment spent watching these two is a moment I will never get back.

Then in a moment that will live in Bachelor Pad infamy, Kasey begins screeching singing to Vienna. I immediately cover my eyes and begin shouting uncontrollably, “Make it STOP! Make it STOP!” We are forced to pause the show to regain our ability to breathe. Talk singing is the the worst thing of all time. I thought it was beyond bad when he sang for Ali in that museum (try not to go back there in your mind), but this is WAY worse.

“I made you a promise and I put it on your finger” he squeals as my ears begin bleeding. I’ve never hated anything more than I hated that song (it’s a disservice to the word song and all other songs – including Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ –  to call it that but I can’t think of anything else). I begin praying to the Lord above to make it stop and thankfully, he hears my prayers.

The rest of this segment is spent talking about how looney tunes Melissa is. I mean, you know that when Kasey calls you “bat-shit crazy” you probably are (once again – Pot meet Kettle). We also see Erica do her best Pink Panther as she spies on everyone as the talk about voting off Jake.

Here begins Erica’s double-cross. She basically spend the rest of the show pushing Melissa to the brink of sanity and telling everyone else that she is unable to keep her crazy under control.

BTW – No wonder she can’t keep crazy under control – have you seen all the liquor in that house? i’m surprised they are even able to stand up straight let alone back-stab the shit out of one another.

To add insult to injury, Blake comes clean with Melissa and tells her he doesn’t want to be involved romantically. Uh-oh.  If I were Blake, I would not be telling her this in the kitchen where they are lots of sharp objects nearby.

I think Jake says it best when he opines, “She needs to be loved and accepted way more than she needs $250K.” Truth.

So it appears that the plan is to eliminate Clearly Crazy and Jake. BUT then CH walks in to break it down. He’s put on his favorite skinny tie to help him hold it all together while talking to this douche squad.

He let’s us all know that just one man will be going home this episode. Let the whisper fighting begin!

The group breaks and splits into factions – the people voting Jake off and the people voting Kasey off. Erica leads the “Send Kasey Home” charge by carrying around a little glass gavel and beating everyone senselessly until they agree to be on her side.

No but really, why does she have that? And what’s with all the legal metaphors? She is confusing me. Surely, she’s not a lawyer? Oh and why is she carrying a purse? What does she need? A wallet – nope. A cellphone – nope. I guess it’s got her lip gloss and glass gavel in it. Who knows?

So much judging, so little time.

Back in Kamp Kasey, he gives his version of an Oscar speech to all who have “supported him physically and emotionally.” Is this for real? Who made this guy the boss? I mean,  I know I keep ranting about this but it is literally blows my mind that anyone listens to him.

William does his standard move of ruining everything by telling Kasey that people are conspiring to vote him off. This sends Kasey, who thinks he is filming an episode of ‘Miami Vice,’ into a rage. He is beyond pissed that Jake is a “schemer.” Once again, Pot meet Kettle.

This also sends Vienna into “make everything about me” mode. She yells at everyone telling them “We didn’t come here to lose friendships.” Um, did you come to get punched in the face? Cause I’m sure we could make that happen. She tells us she would be “so mad if my friends voted my boyfriend off and left me here with Jake.” Apparently no one has told her this is not the Vienna show (despite what ABC has led you to believe). I honestly can say with complete authority that I wish someone would vote her off of life. Is that possible?

Anyways, Kasey and his crew vote for Jake. When he drops in Jake’s picture he says “That’s for America. That’s for my girlfriend.” Kasey honey, the first statement would only be true is if you punched yourself in the face.

Jake and his crew vote for Kasey with Erica saying what we’ve all been thinking “People are letting trailer trash and a tattooed guy run their lives.” Who ever thought that Erica Rose would be the voice of reason in this house. Side note: How is William still around?

Rose Time (Said out loud to the beat of  “Hammer Time”) 

“I am terrified of Jake,” says Vienna. “I am terrified of a world where people like Vienna exist,” says Danielle.

The roses are handed out one by one til it comes down to Kasey and Jake.

“The name I say will receive the final rose. Kasey”

BLACK SCREEN.

Wow BP, so dramatic. So yeah, it appears trailer trash and the tattoo will be around to ruin our lives for one more episode.

So long Jake.

So what did you all think? Was the SE just too much to stand? Did you die when Kasey started singing?

I gotta hear your thoughts. Don’t let me suffer through this alone.

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Filed under Bachelor Pad

Boo – No more CT. MTV The Challenge: Rivals Recap

Not gonna lie – I’m still a little bummed about this week’s episode of The Challenge: Rivals – so this is more of a goodbye note to CT than a recap. All in all, it was a good episode but  this guy is gone, which means I dislike nearly all the humans left on this attempt by MTV to slowly kill all Real World/Road Rules alumni.

Miss you already. (Photo: MTV)

We start out with Laurel making CT the most pathetic breakfast plate ever. But since no one does anything nice for CT, he takes the offering of 4 pieces of fruit on a plate as a lovely gesture. Ah, the blossoming love of two inept adults. I want to like Laurel, I really do but her faint mustache always makes it really hard for me to focus on what she’s saying and/or doing.

Fruit in the name of Love. (Photo: MTV)

Prior to the challenge, the four guys go around beating their chests and talking into the camera about how badly they are going to work their opponent. It should have been clear that Adam/CT were heading home when about 80% of the camera time went to them talking about how awesome they are. Oh well. I was lulled into a false sense of security and should have realized that all along Adam and his late 70′s curly fro were these teams Achilles heel.

The challenge consists of two intersecting half-pipes buried in the ground with a set of 5 balls on each end. The teams will have to  race to move their colored balls to the other side (that sounds filthy dirty). The hitch is that you can ram into your opponents to slow them down.

The challenge is neck and neck, until Adam starts to literally lose his mind and makes a bunch of dumb mistakes. This is where CT steps in and decides to crush fools like there is no tomorrow – there’s hope! After laying Johnny and Tyler out, I squeal out loud in hopes that they will pull it off. Too bad Adam is a total puss and ruins the challenge by losing in a footrace to Tyler. I thought you said you were fast?

Is it still winning if you are a loser? (Photo: MTV)

Johnny goes bananas per his nickname and begins running around like he just won the Super Bowl. Paula, Ev and the rest of the minions screech and howl like a house has just fallen on CT’s head. I half expect to hear  a choreographed performance of the “Lollipop Guild” but once again am disappointed.

We represent the Lollipop Guild. (Photo: MTV)

Instead of a welcome to Munchkin Land, the remaining rivals find out they are headed to Patagonia while Adam and CT head home. Bummer. I wonder if this whole Adam & Jenn thing will continue in the real real world. Doubtful judging by Jenn’s let’s stay friends on-camera goodbye interview.

Back at the Argentina villa, Cara Maria shows Laurel he dressed up pillow (creepy), “You can dress yours up like CT!” she says as Laurel runs out of the room in embarrassment and horror. I like Cara Maria considering the other wack-jobs we have to root for but if I were Laurel I would have ripped that weird Abram heart/jersey thing off that pillow and pushed it down the garbage disposal back in Costa Rica.

Isn't he cute? (Photo: MTV)

The posse makes it to Patagonia and immediately hits the bottle. This causes Wes to once again engage in his favorite activity, loud talking about Cara Maria. After a long chat with her pillow pal, she finds the courage to stand up to the baddest ginger in the land. Not gonna lie, it was pretty awesome how she punked him out. After asking him why he hates her so much, all Wes could manage is that she is immature, annoying and likes her boyfriend and hobby too much. Yeah, that sounds pretty miserable. I much prefer talking about pectoral muscles, getting it in and being awesome which all are signs of the utmost maturity.

He attempts to make her cry, while she succeeds at making him feel stupid. Here’s hoping he pusses out on the final challenge and we can all celebrate for real.

It’s the Final Countdown! 

Challenge time. On the morning of the big day, Tyler and Jenn wake up with the bubble guts and the runs. Yikes. Despite the fact that their bodies are failing them after being on a 21 day bender, they decide to proceed with the challenge.

Wait what? I'm supposed to drink water to hydrate? (Photo: MTV)

We are only given a small tid-bit of the final challenge, but here’s how it starts. They will start off by being towed by a boat underwater for 250 feet (or as long as they can hold their breath). Then they hope into a kayak and paddle their asses off towards land.

The girls go first. Laurel, Paula and Ev are able to hold on the longest and ultimately it looks like it’s going to be two-team race. Jen and Mandi have absolutely no idea how to paddle a kayak so they get off to the VERY slow start. In the end, I think it will come down to Paula mentally failing on the puzzles which will give Laurel and Cara Maria the edge. We’ll have to see though. I’m not willing to count eyebrows and blondie out just yet.

But I don't want to go swimming. (Photo: MTV)

The guys are up next and to be honest, I can’t remember who held on the longest. Probably Wes and Tyler. So they all hope into their kayaks and take off. Despite telling us that he is the king of the world, has never lost at anything in life (except for being a ginger) and is the modern-day version of Superman – Wes still has his least favorite person Kenny for a teammate. Which means, they don’t get off to that great of a start aka they aren’t awesome at kayaking. They finally get it together though and we’ll see what’s in store for these six. My money is on Leroy & Michael because I like them, they don’t suck at life and they are fun. I also hope them winning will ruin Wes’ psyche and he will never appear on one of these shows again.

So there you have it friends. What did you think of The Challenge this week? Were you sad to see CT go? Who do you think will win? Who do you hate more Wes or Kasey/Vienna?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Filed under The Challenge: Rivals

Splitsville for Ames Brown & Jackie Gordon According to EW.com

Happy Wednesday! We’ve made it half-way through the week and to reward you for your diligence, here is an update on those two star-crossed lovers, Ames & Jackie.

Despite all our hopes and dreams for a Ames & Jackie wedding special, it appears that won’t be happening anytime soon. According to EW.com these two are kaput and according to Jackie, our man Ames pulled a fast one on her and broke her little heart.

This leaves open the possibility that Ames will be the next Bachelor. One can only dream.

Tonight is the challenge. Get excited for part two.

Until then… stay tuned.

Here’s the full-story from Entertainment Weekly: 

‘Bachelor Pad’ couple Jackie and Ames talk break-up: ‘I feel like the rug was kinda pulled out from underneath me,’ she says

Ames-jackie-Bachelor-Pad

The happy ending for Bachelor Pad contestants Jackie Gordon and Ames Brown was short-lived. In separate phone interviews with EW today, they confirmed their relationship has already ended. On the episode that aired last night, Ames romantically chased after Jackie’s limo after she was evicted, taking himself out of the competition, worth $250,000, to be with her.

Following the show, the two spent a week in Napa together for a “remedial wine country tour,” Ames says, and Jackie, who’d watched him on The Bachelorette and frequently posted her appreciation for him on Twitter and Facebook, says she fell for him even more. “I woke up every day happy,” she says.

They returned to New York City, where they dated for a week or two more in secret because he was still on The Bachelorette and they couldn’t be seen together. “As for what happened later, it ended a little suddenly,” she says. “I was pretty taken aback, kinda knocked down a little bit. I thought that he was the one. I certainly fell in love with him. I feel like the rug was kinda pulled out from underneath me. I feel like we went from perfection and the potential to be the perfect couple to kind of having my heart broken.”

So what went wrong? “She is a really, really great girl, beautiful and charming, and we just weren’t the perfect match in the end,” is all Ames will say about his change of heart. He says he was instantly drawn to Jackie at the Bachelor Pad opening party. ”Almost the instant I met her,” he says, “I knew what my goal on Bachelor Pad was, which was to spend time with her … Especially in the context of The Bachelor Pad, I think we had a lot in common. Bachelor Pad is a pretty crazy place … She made Bachelor Pad a pretty wonderful experience, whereas it would otherwise be pretty harrowing for me… I didn’t even notice I was on Bachelor Pad. Every waking moment, Jackie and I spent together, and then I would go to bed at about 9:30 p.m. while everybody else stayed up till whenever because I decided right away there’s nothing more valuable that I could do than spend time with Jackie, and I had no desire to go sacrificing my integrity and strategizing endlessly. It’s much more fun to get to know a beautiful, smart woman and think about having a future together.”

He always assumed he’d leave with her no matter what. “We hit it off, and seldom are you so explicitly faced with a choice between the possibility of love and the possibility of money,” he says of watching her limo drive away. “There was no doubt in my mind that I had to choose the former.”

Jackie, who still considers that gesture “one of the best surprises of my life,” says she asks herself every day what changed. “Perhaps coming back to your real life and being apart from cameras and the extreme romance, maybe something on the outside changed his mind. Or maybe he just realized ‘Whoa, I need to put the brakes on this,’ or maybe he just didn’t feel like he was ready for a relationship,” she guesses. “He had been away [from New York] for so long and maybe just wanted to take a step back. He’s been traveling a lot, and things have been very busy on his side, so I’d also probably attribute it to that. To me, it was like walking away from something that had very beautiful potential.”

Rumors have begun that Ames, who’s back working in finance, could be named the next Bachelor. “I can honestly say nobody has even mentioned the possibility of becoming the Bachelor to me. I imagine by now, somebody would have mentioned something. So I think for better or for worse, that’s something I don’t have to think about,” he laughs.

Seeing him on The Bachelor‘s less dignified spinoff Bachelor Pad was surprising, we tell him. ”I’m at the point in life where I totally do want to get married. And I’m one of those people who says you can’t really go and say ‘no’ to anything if that’s what you want. Somebody said, ‘Come on Bachelor Pad,’ and I just said ‘yes’ because I think you just have to say ‘yes.’” So if producers said, “Come on The Bachelor?” “Then I would probably say, ‘Yes.’”

Would Jackie endorse Ames as the next Bachelor? “That would be a hard thing to watch from afar,” she admits. “I think he would make a fine Bachelor. I think he has a lot of qualities that women are looking for, but at the same time, I would question if he’s ready for that at this time. He fell in love with Ashley. He fell in love with me. If I were in that situation, I would maybe want some time.”

While we wait to see if ABC pops that question to Ames, we had one more for him. What’s up with those red pants? ”I just have bad fashion taste,” he laughs, adding that they’re Tom Ford. “Clearly I’m not looking for a future in entertainment if I’m wearing those pants.”

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Filed under Bachelor Pad, The Bachelor

Ames Brown – A Gentleman and a Scholar. Bachelor Pad Season 2 Episode 2 Recap

While most of you settled down for a fun-filled night of Bachelor Pad hi-jinks, me and the rest of my kick-ball crew were competing in the city championship (you say nerdy, i say cool. agree to disagree). Thankfully our two-game total domination left me pumped and excited to stay-up late (yes, late for me is midnight) and catch up on BP. I knew this one was gonna be a good one with all the texts and tweets I was getting. What I didn’t know was that the contestants were all playing out their favorite movie rolls for the ABC viewing audience to enjoy (more on that to come).

Let’s get to it.

In standard fashion, we start with a montage. Doesn’t ABC know that I’m hooked already. No need to show Melissa crying and Gia prancing around in a negligee and heels, I’ll be sticking around to the very end.

We pick up right where we left off, at the last rose ceremony. We were already two minutes int the show so I was wondering where the required hyperbole was but thankfully an unnamed contestant says “that was the most shocking rose ceremony in Bachelor Pad history.” Nice work, even Chris Harrison couldn’t have timed that better.

Unfortunately, in what seems to be a pattern, any time the show gets mildly amusing, Kasey steps in and says some douchey words of wisdom. This time it’s “If you don’t choose a side you’re going to get cancelled.” It only gets worse when he says that is planning to “beat down [Jake's] spirit.” This isn’t the first and it won’t be the last time I say this about Kasey – WOOF.

Yes, I know I look like a tool in this shirt but when in Rome. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Target Practice

On to the challenge, which apparently means – run out of the mansion in your bathing suit! Chris Harrison has borrowed one of Brad’s plaid shirts for this competition, puts the 19 girls from his season at ease.

So for today’s challenge, the guys are lined up with targets on their backs. The girls, armed with paint filled eggs, will be asked a question by CH. To answer, they will throw (toss, drop) their egg at the person they select. You get a point for hitting your target. Most points wins.

Vienna is elated and brags “I used to play softball, so I have pretty good aim.” No surprise there. “This challenge is going to be easy squeezy (peesy, weezy, ????).” WHO TALKS LIKE THAT? Is she eleven?

First Question: Who are you least attracted to?

Only Micheal, William and some dude I couldn’t see get hit because the majority of the girls throw like girls (yup, that includes our softball star Vienna).

Second Question: Who doesn’t deserve the money?

Jackie, who nailed Micheal in the first round, slams one into Graham on this one. If anyone played softball, it was this chick. Her only competition at this point is Melissa who tosses one at Ames.

HI-YA! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Third Question: Who do you want to see go home?

The resounding answer to this question is Jake. All of the girls take aim at the Pavelka and his fragile emotional state is further damaged.

Comes down to Melissa and Jackie in a show-down. To Melissa, Bachelor Pad is kind of a slutty, less-violent Hunger Games. She is hoping to win this competition so she can prove herself to the career tributes alliance.

All her hoping and praying is not in vain and she wins the paint splatter challenge. I take a moment to appreciate a few moments where Melissa is not crying or acting painfully insecure.

The Boys (I refuse to call them men) are up next.

All the girls stuff their fake ta-tas into their white bikini’s and get their targets put on. Let’s have our insecurities validated with paint filled eggs of despair.

First Question: Who is most likely to cheat?

Well duh, Jake throws this egg straight at Vienna. While the rest of the dudes send splatters all around.

It appears that Kasey and Vienna have more in common that being the scum of the universe. Kasey played baseball (debatable) and tells us that this challenge will be “easy squeezy” for him too. Then he proceeds to miss Ella by about 15 feet. So how did that baseball thing work out for you?

Second question: Who do you want to go home?

Erica takes most of the hits here with a couple for Vienna sprinkled in.

Third question: Who are you least attracted to?

This question is just an evil plot by ABC to make these painfully insecure girls break down to the point of no return. The other girls are able to remain relatively full-of themselves while Erica’s psyche is slowly torn down, egg toss by egg toss.

Clap if you think you're pretty. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Every dude slams here with an egg and then to add insult to injury, when Jake misses (which also clinched Michael’s win) CH makes sure to let Erica know that the egg was intended for her. Way to kick a girl when she’s down. As much as Erica’s weird face and tiaras creep me out, she can be kind of funny and she doesn’t like Vienna so I almost feel ad for her here. And let’s be honest, no girl wants a bunch of dudes (no matter how douchey they are) to tell them they are ugly.

But then, she ruins that moment by reminding us how vapid and mean she is when she wonders why the guys like Ella, who is “fat and not pretty,” more than her.

Winners: Melissa and Micheal.

These two will each get to go on a group date where they will hand out one rose. Let the real games begin.

After hosing off Vienna (no, not like that) Kasey makes a comment about taking Vienna to the “boom boom room” which almost breaks my spirit. These two are really making me contemplate all that is wrong with mankind. I really wish some sort of freak helicopter accident would occur and ensure that these two could no longer appear on the show. Nothing life threatening ( I guess) just something that impairs their ability to ever appear on camera again.

Side note: Is Michael for reals in that leather jacket?

Date Card: Michael, Are you afraid of the dark? aka The Scary Movie Portion of the Show.

For this date Michael chooses Erica (aw that was nice), Michelle and his girl Holly. He celebrates by getting a big bear hug from his twin in American Apparel printed tees and short-billed caps, Kasey (really? is this the uniform on the show? is this cool? do people really dress like this?).

Tonight’s group date will take place at a haunted hospital which is perfect for Erica since she is channeling the ghost of MJ in her gold, sparkle jacket.

As they wander through the hallways, I wonder aloud if there is an ax murderer lurking in the shadows ready to turn this date in to an awesome scary movie. Which leads us to the first of many movie references hidden in this week’s episode. ABC is channeling the horror genre for this group date although if we were going to off some contestants, I’d much prefer to have one of the trio of annoyance there.

In classic horror movie fashion, the group is split up. The two hot chicks are alone while Michael and Erica channel some Vanderbilt’s ghost. Now’s your chance ax murderer!

The whole scary movie thing only last a couple of minutes though because ABC can turn even the weirdest, lamest, scariest places into a romantic oasis with the addition of some candles in the shape of a heart. Add in a little picnic and champagne and you’re golden.

Michelle isn’t using her one-on-one time for romance though, she whips out her notepad and gets to business. ‘Nancy Drew and the Mystery of the Broken Engagement’ is solved when Michelle breaks Michael down emotionally and gets to the heart of the matter – he still loves Holly.

This leads Michael to pull a Pavelka (no, not wiping his ass as Kasey calls it) and give Holly the ex (not to be confused with the lurking ax) the rose. He uses this gift to con Holly into talking to him for more than 5 minutes. Geez, what happened between all these couples that the guy has to use floral security blanket to get five minutes with the girl they were once going to marry?

It's this tuberculosis hospital romantic?

All this emotional heart-to-heart-stuff bores me and is WAY too heavy for BP. Where are Dave and Natalie when you really need them? All I want is for someone to go on a date to Vegas, wear a slutty dress and get their pool-side make-out on. Is that really too much to ask for?

The Next Morning – Back at the Pad

Kirk, who appears to be the only voice of reason, breaks down the couples for us. There’s Michael & Holly (not sure about the romance, but the alliance seems strong), Kasey & Vienna and our very own Romeo & Juliet – Ames & Jackie. While everyone else is off scheming, these two love birds are picnicking poolside, slow-kissing the days away.

Date Card: Melissa, Chart a course for romance aka The Single-White Female Portion of the Show.

Blake has decided that to succeed, he needs to con Melissa into being his partner. Rather than be upfront with, by far, the most emotionally fragile person on the show, he decides to make her think he is digging her. Bad move buddy.

Melissa has been picking up what Blake has been (fake) putting down and she picks him, his twin Kirk and their cousin Kasey for the date. These three dudes, who I will now refer to as The Brothers Backstreet, look oddly alike. Clearly Melissa has a type.

The crazy lady movie genre takes a backseat for a moment to the ever-emerging Mob movie taking place on set. For some weird, unknown reason, Kasey & Vienna are the most powerful in the house. Just writing that sentence makes me want to question my life. It is truly something I cannot wrap my mind around but apparently it’s the case.

Since Kasey is the apparent Don of the house, all the idiots must kiss his ring and sing “It’s not easy being green” to him everyday in hopes that he will spare them and give them one more week on the hunt for STD’s. No but really – How is Kasey the ring leader of anything other than the Muppet parade? I mean, if this guy is cool, I will happily live life as the biggest loser of all time (if I’m not already).

Side note: No Possesionista needed for Melissa’s dress. I have it and it’s from Forever 21.

On the date, the posse climbs aboard a giant yacht for a day of fun aka Melissa pretending she is the Bachelorette. Melissa is reveling in her five minutes of thinking “these guys are all here for me!” It’s every insecure girls dream. What she doesn’t realize is that none of these guys really like her and are just trying to get a rose and one step closer to the cash money.

Back at the Pad

Ugh, back at the pad Jake is still wishing Vienna would stop bad-mouthing him and Vienna is still constantly talking about Jake and how much she hates him. I am wishing, praying, hoping, planning an animal sacrifice to the gods to make these two stop talking about each other or anything for that matter.

BOO. Another awkward sit down between these two – I can’t take it anymore. Please NO MORE.

Seriously, Vienna is by far a giant waste of space and resources. “Who has the audactiy to do that?” she screeches to her crowd of mindless wannabes. Um, yeah Jake is a tool but you were engaged to the fool. I don’t think asking to talk to you is that audacious you idiot. I can no longer control my intense hatred for this wench. These people are mizzzzzzzz.

On the Open Seas

Blake tells us how he is going to use his sparkly white teeth and boyish charm to win over Melissa. UNfortunately for him, he has no clue that this will only unleash the beast inside just waiting to shower him in crazy guilt and sobs of lost love.

This guy had no idea what was coming. (ABC/CRAIG SJODIN)

Blake goes in for the kiss of death and it’s confirmed – he will get the rose and all of the Melissa that goes with it.

Melissa is love love loving being the boss. She is literally overcome with joy at pretending to be the Bachelorette. Melissa, you do understand that this only lasts one date right?

I do wish she had given the rose to Kirk since he is by far the most normal of the bunch but I am at least pleased that she didn’t give it to Kasey. Small victories people, small victories.

Get Your Scheme On

The next morning, we learn that journaling is a shared hobby among all Bachelor(ette) contestants when we find Gia curled up jotting down her plan for the future (Mrs. Gia Pavelka, Mrs. Pavelka, Gia & Jake Pavelka).

She uses her womanly charms to lure Graham away from Michelle for a chat on ways to get rid of Kasey & Vienna. Graham seems on-board but you can never tell with these fools.

In other news, Blake and Holly are flirting in the boom boom room (does someone wash those sheets daily? hourly maybe?) but not for long if our resident nut-bag has anything to say about it. Melissa goes hunting for Blake like her lost cat, looking under furniture and behind doors while pathetically screaming out his name.

When she finds him (“I find you!”), Blake is trying furiously to get his imagined rowboat to Holly’s serenity island but unfortunately Melissa comes in and capsizes his boat. (This is his analogy not mine.) Melissa is not scared to make shit awkward and she lays down and gives Holly the stink eye. Holly realizes that Melissa may go all single-white female on her and runs out as Melissa contemplates killing her with her lip gloss.

Awkward.

In a break-down of epic proportions, Melissa starts freaking out and talking about how she came on BP to prove that she’s a “fun, nice person” but instead she is just confirming that she is an “unstable 32-year old woman” (again, Blake’s words – not mine). I’m thinking it’s time the producers step in and commit this lady against her will. There is definitely something loose upstairs. Isn’t there something they can prescribe for this?

I want to feel bad for Blake but then he appears in his one-on-one interviews like he’s going to a really lame wedding – Black button down, vest AND skinny tie? C’mon dude – you can do better than that.

Rose Ceremony Time aka The Love Story Portion of the Show.

At this point in the show I am considering starting up a letter writing campaign complaining about the lack of Ames on this show. This guy is television gold – why is he not getting more screen time?

The next 20 minutes are spent with everyone scrambling around leaving gifts at Kermit and Ms. Piggy’s feet requesting their favor at elimination.

Jake begs Vienna & Kasey to take mercy on him (WHY? WHY? WHY?) and they dismiss and embarrass him in front of everyone. Thankfully, some people realize that it was a shitty, mean move. Point Jake.

That point is revoked when Jake whines about how he saved Vienna’s life last time and that she should return the favor. Wait What? Saved your life? Um, you are on a reality dating/competition game show. This is not war. Get real.

And then it happens. Kasey is on-screen, pulling up his sleeve and showing off his throbbing heart tattoo. To steal some Bachelor hyperbole, this is he most SE ever in reality television history. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GUY? HOW IS HE IN CHARGE OF ANYTHING? The dude is not all there mentally. I am so overcome with embarrassment that I consider fast-forwarding but realize I can’t because I am literally unable to move. The SE has left me paralyzed.

“Look at that, it’s beating. It’s throbbing… it’s guarding and protecting.” Oh my word. Bless his heart. He has seriously lost it.

Look AWAY!

Thankfully, CH comes in and provides a whoosh of fresh air to help regain my footing in reality. He stirs up the pot by asking about all the tension in the house. This causes Vienna to throw a temper tantrum about ABC setting her up and forcing her to be there while Jake is there.

It what is arguably CH’s finest moment, he calls Vienna out, straight up. Tells her no one is forcing her to be there and that he will call her a cab right now. “Do it! Please for the love of God, do it!” I scream at the TV, hoping that my pleas will travel through the space-time continuum and get to CH in the BP past. Vienna is a big baby, of course, who talks a big game but regrettably, decides to stick it out with her heart guarder and protector.

Once Vienna retreats to her corner of the couch, under-eye mascara stains in tow, CH makes the “shocking” announcement that tonight TWO women will be going home. Woo Hoo! I love the twist, reminds me a little of Paradise Hotel.

The girls will vote off one person and the guys will vote off another. Let the Hunger Games begin!

Any hope I had of Vienna getting sent home is squashed when Gia freaks out. Turns out that Kasey knows about her convo with Graham about voting the dynamic duo off. Hurt by the betrayal of a friend, she storms off in a fit of tears, sheds her girly negligee and dons her leather jacket. And just like that she is gone … in the cab that CH called for Vienna & Kasey. Turns out the lies, back-stabbing and miserable, awful people were just too much to handle.

So the rest of the night is spent figuring out who will go home, Ella or Jackie. In a bad turn of events for all of us, two of the more likable characters on this show are up for elimination. I like Ella and want her to win the money for her kid and I like this whole Jackie and Ames love story. It’s a hard choice.

I spend the rest of the show wondering why these idiots listen to Vienna & Kasey. Even Ames goes groveling. C’mon Bud – you’re better than that.

In other news, it’s official – last season of BP was better. There I said it.

Finally, we get some Ames time and I can’t say enough how much I love this guy. “We’ve got a lot to be happy about” he says to Jackie. And here’s where the love story portion of the show begins. It seems between all the fighting, backstabbing and crying, two crazy kids found love. Ames is proudly displaying his love in his symbolic red pants. This guy is truly a classic.

I’m not even going to mention Melissa’s other crazy rant. I don’t want it to ruin this moment of reliving the Jackie & Ames love story.

At the ceremony, it comes down to Ella & Jackie as planned. “I’m safe but Jackie isn’t so I don’t feel safe at all.” says Ames. That’s true love right there folks.

Jackie ends up being the one to leave and Ames, like the true gentleman he is, walks her to the car and kisses her goodbye.

BUT WAIT! It’s not over. Ames looks back at the posse of miscreants left and decides that there is no place for him there without Jackie by his side. He takes off after the limo, waves one last goodbye to the cesspool of humans looking on, and jumps in to be with his true love.

Aw Shucks. He picked me.

I am torn because this moment is exactly what I needed after subjecting myself to two hours of this TV torture. But on the other hand, it’s hard to say goodbye to Ames.

We’ll see what the future holds for these two but I will say that I was touched by what appeared to be a true, genuine moment on this show. Who knew that could happen on Bachelor Pad?

“I think it’s safe to say we’ve won Bachelor Pad 2.” Gah, he’s the best.

Sorry that recap was a doozy friends. Much longer than I expected. I guess that’s what happens when they cram all that crazy into two hours.

What did you think of the Ames & Jackie exit? Was it the most romantic moment in Bachelor(ette) history? How much do you hate Vienna & Kasey? Will Melissa kill Blake?

Can’t wait to hear your thoughts.

Until next time… stay tuned!
p.s. – I kind of love the reoccurring Mask Dude. He really is the Phantom of the Pad (as well as the worst actor in America).

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Is Ben the next Bachelor? Is Ames a sailor? Bachelor(ette) News!

Hey friends – hope you all had a fun weekend. Here in my neck of the woods we had some serious storms roll through, cutting power, downing trees and mostly making people learn what life is like without a TV. My power went out just as I was catching up on Project Runway.

Alright, enough about little ole me and on to the people we all really love to gossip about. I know you all have been racking your brains for weeks (or just one, or probably none) wondering who will be the next Bachelor. Well, the good folks at Us Weekly say it’s gonna be Ben. But if you ask me, I think it needs to be this guy:

 

Ahoy Ames!

Over the weekend, a good pal (who is also designing an awesome new site for me) sent me this gem. Turns out Lauren was at a party discussing the pros and cons (mostly cons) of this season’s Bachelorette when a friend mentioned that Ames reminded her of a 40′s era Navy man. Now, I do think it is highly unlikely that our boy Ames would serve in the armed forces in this day and age (doesn’t quite seem up to the challenge) BUT back when boys became men when they were drafted, Ames would have definitely been a Navy man.

Now you allow know how much I love a good lookalike and what’s even better is when there is photoshopping to make said lookalike even better. Behold the power of Adobe. Thanks to Lauren (seriously, check out her web designs. they are ah-ma-zing) for the awesome image.

If you want to read more about the possibility of Ben as the next Bachelor, here’s the full story from Us.
 I’ll be back tomorrow with the Bachelor Pad recap.
Until then… stay tuned!

 

 

EXCLUSIVE: Is Ben Flajnik the Next Bachelor?

Is Ben Flajnik the Next Bachelor?Credit: ABC

Friday – August 12, 2011 – 11:32am

Bachelorette Ashley Hebert didn’t give Ben Flajnik her final rose, but the hunky Sonoma winemaker might have a second shot at finding love on reality TV!

Show insiders tell the new Us Weekly, out now, that Flajnik, 28, is the front-runner to be ABC’s next Bachelor. Also being considered? Hebert’s other rejected suitorsAmes Brown, a 31-year-old portfolio manager, and Ryan Park, a 31-year-old solar energy executive.

VIDEO: Look back at Ashley and Ben’s final Fiji date

“Everyone wants [Ben] to find the woman of his dreams,” an insider told Us. Hebert, 27, was the first woman Flajnik really opened up to since the death of his father in 2006. “He loved Ashley,” says a source.

Even host Chris Harrison is eager for Flajnik to find Mrs. Right. “Our fans would love to see him as the Bachelor,” he said. “He’d be great.”

VIDEO: Bless his heart! Watch Ben’s failed proposal to Ashley

In a recent Us Poll, 53 percent of voters wanted Flajnik to be the next Bachelor, while 27 percent voted for Brown and 20 percent for Park.

Hebert — who rejected Flajnik, Brown and Park in favor of J.P. Rosenbaum – thinks any one of the three guys would make a great Bachelor. “Ben would be really good — but so would Ryan and Ames,” she told Us. Rosenbaum agreed: “We’d watch any of those guys!”

VIDEO: Sorry Ben! Revisit Ashley and J.P.’s cutest moments

One gal who might not want Flajnik to score the reality gig? Jennifer Love Hewitt, who went on a date with the reality star on August 6 in San Francisco. “It seemed like a first date, but he wasn’t overly affectionate,” an eyewitness told Us, adding that the Can’t Hardly Wait actress was “loving the attention.”

For more on Ben Flajnik’s chances at becoming the next Bachelor, check out the new Us Weekly – on stands now!

 

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