Hey friends – Can we all agree that last night’s show was the most chock full of SE in Bachelor Pad history? Sorry, I’ve been watching this show so long the hyperbole has started to come naturally.But really, it was awful – so let’s dive into a pool of awkwardness, shall we?
The montage gives us a sneak peek of all we have to look forward to and none of the nasty, icky parts that make us squirm and want to change the channel (see Kasey & Vienna doing anything, Jake and Erica rose canoodling in bathing suits, open mouth kissing). It appears that there are some chinks in Kasey’s protective armor, some emotional scars that have yet to heal for Michael and some crazy that cannot be kept under control for Melissa. Ooooo Weee this is gonna be good one (and by good, I mean painfully awful).
Kirk, the resident nice guy starts off by breaking down the “power couples.” Take note of this phrase because it’s going to get its fair share of usage this episode. And just to show that he has a sense of humor, he tells us about the least powerful couple – Blake and that crazy blonde girl who won’t stop following him around.
We pick up right after the last rose ceremony (WHY WHY WHY isn’t anyone talking about the epic romance they just witnessed between Ames & Jackie?) where Melissa chugs some sort of clear liquid (vodka, water, sprite, all three? who knows? ) while whisper yelling at Blake. Yikes. I mean, if Kasey and Vienna weren’t on this show, I would definitely hate her the most.
This happens. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
So all the girls try to console her when what they really should be doing is slapping her senselessly while reminding her that she met Blake exactly one week ago. Even Holly (who should be required to remain 50 feet away from Holly for her own safety) gets in on the crazy patrol. No one is safe from her madness. NO ONE!
Woah, okay sorry. That was me getting carried away in her madness. Luckily I’ve escaped to finish this recap (nope, it’s not almost finished. you better settle in for a nice long read).
Melissa falls asleep in a puddle of her own tears and vomit while the rest of the cast pass out or retire to grope each other until morning.
Morning of the competition, we awake to find Vienna crushing Kasey with her body weight and kisses. The site of these two immediately causes my body to reject my dinner and makes my dog run out of the room in terror. I wonder if these two have noticed similar reactions in their daily lives? The minute they hit the screen, I pray that it ends and my prayers are answered by the sound of Chris Harrison’s voice alerting the group that they better recognize and get their asses outside.
CH continues to inexplicably raid Brad’s hand-me-downs but is sporting some of his fresh attitude which almost makes up for the poor fashion choice.
Side note: Did you all see Blake without his hair gel? Who let these Geek Squad tech guy out of his standard issue VM bug and onto this show?
So CH let’s the posse know that today’s competition will involve being judged by their skill, talent and overall performance. The group gets excited since they assume he’s talking about sex. Instead, they are immediately disappointed when they learn he’s talking about synchronized swimming.
Just like on the last challenge, Vienna finds a way to make this one about her. She tells us that she is going to be the BEST! at this because she swam and was on the dance team in high school. She clearly fit these activities in during times that weren’t softball season (since we all know how awesome she was at that).
We also learn that this will be a subjective aka judged contest. So ABC uses this as an excuse to bring Dave and Natalie, last year’s winners back. They will
pick their friends to win judge alongside the only person there who has any idea what synchronized swimming is supposed to look like – the gold medal winning, world champion coach (we know that because she is wearing her medal) who has got to be hating her life right now.
"Get me outta here." (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
As the group prepares we learn two important things about our BP friends. 1. Erica Rose cannot swim. She cannot dive. She cannot doggie paddle. Yowza. 2. Michael Stagliano choreographs dance. Hold the phone – are you for reals? No wonder I’ve been picking up on a slightly feminine vibe.
Clearly only one of the aforementioned contestants is in the running to win.
All the Single Ladies
Any BP challenge would not be complete without costumes, so the girls prance back in with their new ‘fits on ready to drown. Vienna tells us, “I have the hardest part in the routine and I am much better than the other girls” so she is shoo-in to win. Just like last time right Vienna? She’s always so humble and gracious this one.
Do these flowers make my boobs look big? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
As the girls prepare to dive in, my mind wanders and I wonder if anyone has considered drowning Vienna and Kasey during this challenge, putting them and all of America out of its misery. Sorry, back to the challenge.
The girls routine is horrible and the “judges” try to comment their way through it without falling on the ground in a fit of laughter. Our trusty narrator Kirk steps in to tells that the girls routine was “yugh” but I think he really meant to just say that the girls in general are “yugh.”
As they attempt to keep above water, I am reminded (possibly by the music) of the Fat Ballerina Hippo routine from Fantasia. I’m pretty sure that was what they were trying to recreate here. You make the call:
The routine wraps up and the judges confer. I yell at the screen hoping that Dave & Natalie will hear my pleas and give the rose to ANYONE but Vienna.
It’s Raining Men
The dudes “suit” up to create a rainbow of man packages. Yuck, that sentence was disgusting. Sorry.
Without even having to try they are infinitely better than the girls. The ability to dive into the pool is the first of many things the girls found hard, confusing and scary (those adjectives sound really dirty when combined together in a post about Bachelor Pad) which the boys were able to easily master.
Ta DAAAAA! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
As the Bachelor Pad Backstreet Boys swim in beautiful circles, I applaud BP’s effective use of the pool for the first time ever. Way to use your resources. That moment is ruined when we get an underwater camera shot of Jake’s under carriage. I am now forever scarred.
The guys put the figurative cherry on their synchronized swimming sundae with a twist and a flirty hand wave from Michael. Such a showman.
Judging the bad from the REALLY bad
Natalie and Dave applaud those who didn’t suck but weren’t actually very good – Vienna, Holly, Kirk and Jake. Then Karen, the synchronized swimming expert, pushes them out-of-the-way to reveal the actual winners – Michelle and Micheal.
How much are we getting paid to do this? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
They will each get a rose and go on another awkward group date. Yipee – another chance to see Michael make Holly feel uncomfortable. No but really, I am SO happy that Vienna and/or Kasey didn’t win. The mere thought of watching them on a date makes me want to consider moving to a country without television (that is about as serious as it gets with me).
But before we can get to the dates, ABC throws in some Erica & Jake tongue kissing and groping (did you see that awful awful camera angle of Erica laying on the lounger? Hopefully you didn’t cause it was rough) and a Kasey & Vienna fight for good measure.
Apparently Vienna has been acting too “cordial” (who knew that Kasey’s vocab included that word?) to Jake. This causes Vienna to fly off the handle and opens up the fake tears flood gates. This girl cannot be real. Basically, these two make everyone cringe and it appears that the others way be waking up from the zombie spell they put on them. Here’s hoping.
Jake echos this sentiment, in a much cheesier and annoying fashion by saying “Everyone is looking for a hero because Kasey and Vienna are so overexposed.”
ABC prolongs the madness by following Kasey and Vienna into the pantry where they are discussing who’s crazier (don’t worry there’s a lot of Pot/Kettle stuff going on this episode). When Kasey tells Vienna she’s acting crazy, the producers – in a moment of brilliance - zoom in on Kasey’s tattoo. Well played, camera man. Well played.
Hungry Eyes - Michelle’s Group Date
As if it’s a surprise, Michelle tells us that she is taking Graham on the group date. She says his name like she wants to eat him. I’m not sure what it is about the tone but it makes me fearful that she is going to use her crazy, witchy eyes to cast a spell on him, turn him into a human graham cracker and eat him. I apologize for any nightmares that statement may cause.
The third and fourth wheels on this date will be Blake and Kasey. Dang, these dudes are racking up the dates. I respect this move by the queen of all crazy Michelle. She is trying to break Melissa and Vienna by taking their men on the dates. Okay, maybe she’s not that clever but for now – I’m going to pretend she is.
Kasey throws on his “date” blazer/coat thing and it’s game time.
And with this kiss, I thee wed.
Today’s date takes place at a vineyard where the group sits around drinking wine and discussing their feelings. Or as it’s called everywhere else in America, girl’s night out. Michelle isn’t there just to swap stories though. Nancy Drew is on mission to find out what makes these guys tick. So she separates everyone in a quest to discover all their secrets, which she will store and use to back-stab them in future episodes.
She lays down the law for Blake, telling him that he better “make it right with Melissa.” Uh, good luck with that one.
Then she grabs Graham, pulling him aside to confess her undying love that formed 5 days ago. Michelle’s drunk eyes say ‘I love you’ and Grahams uncomfortable posture says “Please don’t eat me.” In the end, Michelle wishes that she and Graham could find “some common ground” which on Bachelor Pad means spit swapping. This date ends up being, all-in-all, pretty boring. It ends, predictably, with Michelle giving Graham the rose and stuffing her tongue down his throat.
Every Rose has its Thorn. An evening with Brett Micheals.
Michael does an elfin jig when his date card arrives and gives his lucky charms to Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly looks absolutely thrilled about this date, I mean who wouldn’t want to go on ANOTHER date with your ex-finacee?
Holly makes this clear when she says “I feel like we can’t make a decision about our future at this time.” Um, wait you mean you don’t think Bachelor Pad is the best place to make decisions? Yeah, you’re probably right about that.
Before they head out on their date, Vienna stuffs her face with a sandwich (“Lay off me, I’m starving!”) since she knows she may not be able to eat for like 30 minutes.
Today’s date involves the group doing a little horseback riding but not before Vienna throws on her ugliest outfit and runs up the mountain like a chubby 5-year-old girl. Woof. They horridness that is Vienna continues as she complains about EVERYTHING.
Just to show how amazingly awful Vienna is (and how cute, sweet and awesome Ella is), they follow every nice thing Ella says with Vienna being an ungrateful hag. If I were her horse, I would buck her fat-ass off. But then again, her horse probably lacks the strength to throw her off under all that weight.
Feed ME! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Back at the pad: Blake makes a french toast peace-offering to Melissa not knowing that a blood offering is the only way to appease this beast. I also think he is wearing a leather shirt. In the end, the Melissa/Blake team is back-on, mostly because Melissa is so insecure that merely partnering up with someone makes her feel loved.
The horses finally carry the crew up to the top of the mountain, where a picnic awaits them. Vienna proceeds to scarf down whatever is placed in front of her while Michael grabs Holly for some alone time.
Unfortunately for us all, we’re subjected to watching these two hash it out again. Basically it’s the same convo moved to different locations. They cry it out and make no decisions but isn’t that what loves all about?
“Deep down, I don’t think we’re supposed to be together,” says Holly. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right about that one. Can you please please please let Michael know so he stops acting all weird/excited and inviting you everywhere he goes?
Back at the pad: Kasey contemplates what his life is all about while staring out at the horizon. In his voice-over, he tells us that his “brain adapts to changing situations.” Well, yeah Kasey – that’s what brains do. This asshat is unbearable and I still cannot fathom how a group of individuals have agreed to follow his decisions.
We also get a sneak at Erica and Jake acting like two awkward, sexually-active band geeks. You know those kids in that were always feeling each other up in the hallways? Yeah, it’s like watching that but the girl is wearing a tiara (actually, I feel like some band kids at my school wore weird hairpieces like that – so it’s basically the exact same thing). Moral of the story – Gross (and I don’t care if Erica says it was “hot” it was not hot. Not hot at all).
Back on the mountaintop, Micheal and Holly conclude their cry fest with him bestowing the rose upon her yet again. Ella and Vienna pack up their picnic and head home. Meanwhile, Michael and Holly get the awesome
punishment reward of getting to hang out with Brett Michaels on his tour bus.
Voice of Reason. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)
Michael & Holly climb aboard the first train to syphilis and break down their love story (for the 45943958239042 time) for Brett who proceeds to give them his advice. Hold the phone. Why in the f is Brett Michaels giving anyone love advice? Has everyone gone mad and forgotten this guy did like 9 season of ‘Rock of Love?’ I guess when you’re on Bachelor Pad, the guy from ‘Rock of Love’ is a legitimate source of inspiration. I don’t know, it’s all too confusing.
It only gets worse when he serenades them. It is a personal pet-peeve, turn-off, source of insane amounts of SE, when people serenade someone. It’s even worse when he is serenading a couple. I also cannot bear to listen to Holly & Michael talk about the poignancy of ‘Every Rose has its Thorn.’ I mean really, are these people serious? Is this real life?
Thankfully the concert ends and Brett is like “Show’s over, get the hell out of here.” So they head back to the pad for some goo, old-fashioned conniving.
Commercial Break Question: Okay, I am serious here people. If you know of ANYONE applying for The Bachelor(ette) please please please tell me about it. I need to hear about this. It can be our little secret.
Promises are Forever
Now that the date foolishness is out-of-the-way, it’s time to get our secret plotting underway but not before another stomach-churning moment between Kasey & Vienna. Kasey pulls Vienna over for some alone time where he confesses, once again, how much he loves her and reaffirms his commitment to guard and protect her. Woof. Then he goes to his pocket, where Vienna romantically says “I don’t want you to propose to me.” Real nice. I hate both of these two mongrels, but I fear I hate her more.
Instead of an engagement ring (you know he can’t afford that shiz yet), Kasey presents her with a promise ring. They kiss and a I realize that every moment spent watching these two is a moment I will never get back.
Then in a moment that will live in Bachelor Pad infamy, Kasey begins
screeching singing to Vienna. I immediately cover my eyes and begin shouting uncontrollably, “Make it STOP! Make it STOP!” We are forced to pause the show to regain our ability to breathe. Talk singing is the the worst thing of all time. I thought it was beyond bad when he sang for Ali in that museum (try not to go back there in your mind), but this is WAY worse.
“I made you a promise and I put it on your finger” he squeals as my ears begin bleeding. I’ve never hated anything more than I hated that song (it’s a disservice to the word song and all other songs – including Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ – to call it that but I can’t think of anything else). I begin praying to the Lord above to make it stop and thankfully, he hears my prayers.
The rest of this segment is spent talking about how looney tunes Melissa is. I mean, you know that when Kasey calls you “bat-shit crazy” you probably are (once again – Pot meet Kettle). We also see Erica do her best Pink Panther as she spies on everyone as the talk about voting off Jake.
Here begins Erica’s double-cross. She basically spend the rest of the show pushing Melissa to the brink of sanity and telling everyone else that she is unable to keep her crazy under control.
BTW – No wonder she can’t keep crazy under control – have you seen all the liquor in that house? i’m surprised they are even able to stand up straight let alone back-stab the shit out of one another.
To add insult to injury, Blake comes clean with Melissa and tells her he doesn’t want to be involved romantically. Uh-oh. If I were Blake, I would not be telling her this in the kitchen where they are lots of sharp objects nearby.
I think Jake says it best when he opines, “She needs to be loved and accepted way more than she needs $250K.” Truth.
So it appears that the plan is to eliminate Clearly Crazy and Jake. BUT then CH walks in to break it down. He’s put on his favorite skinny tie to help him hold it all together while talking to this douche squad.
He let’s us all know that just one man will be going home this episode. Let the whisper fighting begin!
The group breaks and splits into factions – the people voting Jake off and the people voting Kasey off. Erica leads the “Send Kasey Home” charge by carrying around a little glass gavel and beating everyone senselessly until they agree to be on her side.
No but really, why does she have that? And what’s with all the legal metaphors? She is confusing me. Surely, she’s not a lawyer? Oh and why is she carrying a purse? What does she need? A wallet – nope. A cellphone – nope. I guess it’s got her lip gloss and glass gavel in it. Who knows?
So much judging, so little time.
Back in Kamp Kasey, he gives his version of an Oscar speech to all who have “supported him physically and emotionally.” Is this for real? Who made this guy the boss? I mean, I know I keep ranting about this but it is literally blows my mind that anyone listens to him.
William does his standard move of ruining everything by telling Kasey that people are conspiring to vote him off. This sends Kasey, who thinks he is filming an episode of ‘Miami Vice,’ into a rage. He is beyond pissed that Jake is a “schemer.” Once again, Pot meet Kettle.
This also sends Vienna into “make everything about me” mode. She yells at everyone telling them “We didn’t come here to lose friendships.” Um, did you come to get punched in the face? Cause I’m sure we could make that happen. She tells us she would be “so mad if my friends voted my boyfriend off and left me here with Jake.” Apparently no one has told her this is not the Vienna show (despite what ABC has led you to believe). I honestly can say with complete authority that I wish someone would vote her off of life. Is that possible?
Anyways, Kasey and his crew vote for Jake. When he drops in Jake’s picture he says “That’s for America. That’s for my girlfriend.” Kasey honey, the first statement would only be true is if you punched yourself in the face.
Jake and his crew vote for Kasey with Erica saying what we’ve all been thinking “People are letting trailer trash and a tattooed guy run their lives.” Who ever thought that Erica Rose would be the voice of reason in this house. Side note: How is William still around?
Rose Time (Said out loud to the beat of “Hammer Time”)
“I am terrified of Jake,” says Vienna. “I am terrified of a world where people like Vienna exist,” says Danielle.
The roses are handed out one by one til it comes down to Kasey and Jake.
“The name I say will receive the final rose. Kasey”
Wow BP, so dramatic. So yeah, it appears trailer trash and the tattoo will be around to ruin our lives for one more episode.
So long Jake.
So what did you all think? Was the SE just too much to stand? Did you die when Kasey started singing?
I gotta hear your thoughts. Don’t let me suffer through this alone.
Until next time… stay tuned.