Monthly Archives: August 2011

This is not your Jam. – Kim Kardashian Official Music Video Preview

The Kardashians. There’s no keeping up with them.

Photo from E!

Kim just had the biggest wedding since that little shindig in London. Rob is now on Dancing with the Stars. They’ve got a line at Sears (okay, that may not be that great). Those little twins or sisters or whatever have turned into hotties and model now. Kourtney has that cute baby and well Khloe, she’s married to Lamar Odom. And now mom Kris is joining The Today Show AND The Talk. Life is good for the clan Kardashian.

But let’s not all forget about how Kim “broke into the biz.” A leaked adult video. Her and Ray J had a little too much fun and the video got into some sleeze bags hands – the rest, they say, is history.

Well it appears our girl Kim hasn’t forgotten about her roots. Although she (or the Aliens that control her and plan to use her to take over the planet) may want to.

Before the whole wedding hoopla (who’d she marry again?), Kim, like Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag before her, took a stab at music. Why on earth these people think they can sing is beyond me. Just because someone points a camera in your face 18 hours a day and regrettably people watch, doesn’t mean we all want to hear what your shower musical stylings sound like.

Yes, Kim made a little “Jam” and video to accompany it (people still make those? where do they air? not on mtv).  And let me say, it is a little raunchy. Think lots of sweat and booty. Yes, together that sounds gross but I guess that’s sexy these days.

To watch it on You Tube, you have to “verify” you are 18 years old to watch it – so that’s what we’re working with on the dirty side. Basically, this video makes Xtina (in her best dirtiest) look clean and the singing makes Paris Hilton’s Stars Are Blind (not gonna lie, i kinda liked that song) sound like a Grammy winning musical masterpiece.

Check it out and let me know what you think.

My personal opinion is that the girl should stick with being hot for a living.

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Wearing Crazy on Every Article of Clothing. Bachelor Pad 2 Episode 4 Recap

Last week on Bachelor Pad, things went dark right before they sent Jake packing. Would it be a surprise twist? Would he go nutso and attack Kasey? Would he be staying in a tie vote? Lots of conspiracy theories led up to a big giant disappointment. I’m especially upset with my boy Chris Harrison who swore it would be epic in his Entertainment Weekly blog post. Chris, just like everyone else on these shows, you lied. Should have seen it coming but I didn’t expect it from you.

So anyways, we’re back and Kasey of course, leads off with another threat (not a promise) “I swear if he says anything to me, I’m going to punch him in the mouth.” Nope that’s another lie. Jake does indeed say something and Kasey doesn’t throw a single punch but he does tell him to go “kick rocks.” Burn.

"What am I doing with my life?" CH ponders as he prepares to kick off the kissing contest. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Jake  tells everyone they “had the chance to do something really special” which is weird and then does an awkward bow to Vienna while leaving  everyone with the least cryptic message possible, “Vote off Kasey and Vienna.” Okay maybe not that obvious, but you get the point.

Side note: Did anyone else hear Michelle Money tell Kasey, “I love you” when she gave him the rose? C’mon Michelle, you’re better than that.

Kasey celebrates by telling us all that the “devil’s gone” thus continuing his string of consecutive episodes with over-exaggerations and false promises. Yup friends, this is the mastermind of “best straTEEgist” in the game (seriously can he not pronounce any word correctly? how much saliva is blocking him from properly saying words?).

All in all a major disappointment on that hanging chad of an episode.  Oh well, luckily for all of us, Melissa will bring enough SE for three seasons in this single episode.

Post Rose Ceremony, Vienna thanks everyone for kicking Jake off for her. It’s always about this one isn’t it? Thankfully our chief litigator, Erica Rose (starring in Torts & Tiaras this fall on Oxygen), is there to root out the truth. She’s on to Kasey and Vienna and vows to bring them down. If only I thought she was capable of such conniving.

After a quick montage showing us that we better be prepared for a lot more annoying Michael & Holly drama, we’re back at the pad for…

The Challenge – Pucker Up… If you dare.

Chris Harrison is on the scene and thankfully, finally picked up his dry cleaning – no longer needing to rely on Brad’s Goodwill pile for his latest stylings.

The camera pans past William and Drew exclaims out loud, “Wait William’s still on here?” Yup, it’s shocking to us all hun. But enough of that, we’ve got a challenge to get to. A very special challenge …

The Kissing Contest!

Instead of being full of excitement and anticipation, the house tries to conjure up a bunch of false morals (I’m looking at you Michelle Money) and immediately a hand full of people are all like “No, I can’t do it. That’s gross.” Um, HELLO!! You all are on BACHELOR PAD! Do I need to remind you that it’s a reality TV show where they encourage you to hook up and then stab your friends in the back for money? Yeah, you’re on THAT show.

Bitch Please. I'm for sure the best kisser. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Ugh, sorry for the rant but last season the BP gang were all over this challenge. They loved it. Natalie almost jumped out of her cropped top for this challenge. So to see this group just totally dismiss it, I was hit with a couple of emotions. Really I wasn’t mad, just disappointed.

Thankfully, someone reminded these idiots that they are on Bachelor Pad and, with the exception of Michelle (who must have one real moral, yeah just one), the gang decide to give this whole kissing thing a go.

Blake who couldn’t be more cheesy if he tried throws in the expected Charlie Brown “the doctor is in” reference and we’re off!

Holly (who I’ve also decided resembles a muppet) gets the first set of smooches. A romantic moment is coming since ABC cues up track 5 from the “On the Wings of Love Greatest Hits collection.” This means Michael and Holly will share a manufactured, forced romantic moment. Very similar to their entire relationship except without track 5 always playing in the background. While the rest of the guys respectfully plant a peck kiss on Holly, Blake goes in for the kill (it killed my insides having to watch it). this kiss lasted so long I had time to go to the kitchen, get water and a snack and be back in time to catch the last five seconds.

I settled back in just to see Melissa begin to unravel. Melissa, who is so mentally unhinged at this point that I wouldn’t want to stand within double arms distance of her, believes that Blake’s efforts in the kissing contest are just for her. That smooch wasn’t a way to win a slutty contest but rather the way to her heart.

And just in case you didn’t already hate Vienna, she steps up to bat with a warning for the fellas, “Don’t be sticking ya’lls tongues in my mouth.” Duly noted Vienna. (Note to self – Remember to eat a very light dinner before BP until Vienna is voted off.) Does anyone else think Vienna is channeling Britney Spears from her trucker hat, cut-offs, eye-liner, early K-Fed days?

On to the ladies. Michelle Money decides to sit this one out since she has a daughter and “morals.” I’m not sure that people on this show should talk about morals but moving on. Ella, who also has a child but is here for the money honey, puckers up and is ready to get her make-out on.

She gives us a very in-depth description of why she’s a great kisser while I cover my eyes and pray for it to end. We did get two great pieces of information in this challenge though. 1. It’s 100% confirmed that Erica’s lips are “maintain[ed] with injections every six months.” 2. As we all predicted, Kasey Kahl has bad breath. I predict it smells like farts and dust (Too gross? Sorry).

I’m sure you all want me to talk about Holly & Micheal’s “magical” kiss. But I’m not going to. I’m tired of these two.

Kasey + Melissa = Vomit. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

All in all, this open mouth kissing marathon made me a little nauseous after dinner but I like that they’re letting their slutty side shine. Now for the winners… as the editing predicted Blake & Ella are the winners.

Their  superlative in the Bachelor Pad yearbook is now officially “Best Kisser.” (Oo, I may have to do an entirely separate post breaking down superlatives for the entire cast. Woo Hoo)

Blake winning the challenge opens up the flood gates of crazy for Melissa. Watch out Blake because this girl is unrelenting (just ask the camera men who have been chasing her ass around the house).

Melissa is BEAMING. She’s still got those glossed-over crazy eyes but for about a split-second she looks happy. Like she’s finally going to get it. And by it I mean “it” with Blake in the fantasy suite.

The Sweetest Thing

So the date card (of course Melissa rushes to the door, thinking it’s for her and Blake) comes and it’s Ella’s turn to take one guy out on a date (thank god it’s not a group date). She picks Kirk which makes me happy since these two are the only ones who seems slightly normal as well as deserving of the money.

They head off in a fancy red Ferrari because ABC likes for these people to have the finest things in life for fleeting moments so that when they head back to their normal life they are utterly depressed, thus forcing them to come back and participate in things like Bachelor Pad and slutty reunion meet-ups. “Maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to ride in a helicopter again!”

Ella takes the wheel and they take the one mile drive to the other mansion ABC owns for these shows. You remember this little lodge/house. It’s where Bentley made us all cry by using the phrase “dot dot dot” and then Ashley hid her sorrows in that purple comforter. Remember?

Back at the pad Melissa is NUTS. It’s like she’s having a psychotic break on speed. She is out of control. Her insanity is giving ME hives and I cover my eyes and create a shield with the blanket, hoping her crazy doesn’t seep out of the TV and infect us all.

And just in case you were on the fence about her craziness, ABC cues up the kooky music which just further confirms the madness. I’m paying close attention to the music, hoping it doesn’t turn to the scary track cause that means she is for sure killing Blake and/or Holly.

After following Blake around and acting super desperate, Blake finally drops the bomb on Melissa – he may not be taking her on the date. Oh hell. You can see the anxiety and crazy swirling around inside her, just waiting to explode out her eyes in tears of desperation. Just when I think I can’t take watching this anymore we’re… 

Back on the date. Yikes that was rough. So back with Kirk and Ella and things are cute and sweet and nice. Kirk tells Ella about his college house from hell sickness and Ella tops his sickness by telling him that her step-dad murdered her Mom in front of her and her little sister.

These two are precious. I heart them and I heart them even more together. I’ll even forgive Kirk’s odd outfits and Ella’s graphic tees. They are sweet and I hope they win the money. And if they get a little make-out in between, well good for them.

This moment is ruined by going…

Back to the Casa del Crazy. In an attempt to escape Melissa’s madness, Blake accepts a sensual massage from Erica. They head off to a secluded lounger where Erica mounts him and holds him hostage with her bazooka joe’s until he agrees to be her partner. After releasing him from the suffocating pressure of her boobs, Blake considers Erica’s offer while sharing a romantic arm stroke. To sweeten the pot for partnership, Erica tells Blake “If you brought me [on the date], I would do whatever you wanted. 100%” Blake tells her she makes a great argument which Erica naturally attributes to her being in law school (Will you accept this verdict?). Get me out. of. here. 

Kirk and Ella’s night of romance ends with a hot air balloon ride in the backyard. “This is the first time I’ve ever had a hot air balloon set up in my backyard.” says Kirk. Really? That’s so shocking. You don’t drive Ferrari’s, ride in hot air balloons and take helicopters every where you go? Peasant.

This little love fest ends with a kiss shared in a cramped space with a camera man and the hot air balloon operate awkwardly looking on. Romance at its finest.

Dr. Love 

So the date card comes and Blake must choose who will enjoy the “slippery slopes” with Blake (and no, that is not a sexual metaphor). This causes Melissa to uncontrollably spit out (and then take back quickly) “We could be going sk……” (True confession – we watched that part like 5 times, I thought it was hilarious. Poor Melissa is so desperate for Blake’s affection that it is comical.)

Yeah, you're right. It is great having two boys fight over you. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

After spewing out some pure bullshit, Blake lays a shocker on everyone (okay, no one) and picks Holly. She accepts and Melissa is PISSED. “This is f**ked up” she says, making everyone uncomfortable and a little scared for their safety.

Let the madness begin. She begins huffing through the house in her bedazzled PJ’s (seriously, is she too distraught to get dressed? She is always in her pajama’s) and some house shoes she borrowed from Snooki.

Michelle Money comes on to describe this situation perfectly, “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves but Melissa wears hers on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day…. Including her hair tie. And her panties…. All of it.” Just when I thought I wasn’t on Team Michelle Money anymore, she comes back and steals my heart with that line.

As the crazy boils inside her, Melissa plots Blake's demise. (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Her craziness knows no bounds and honestly, I am tired of talking about it.  (But did you all see her stirring that yogurt to death? Someone save that Dannon.) I will leave you with my favorite Melissa line of the night. “He pinky swore. So I did my hair and my nails.”

Okay never mind, there’s one more, “I think you all should disqualify him for being a douchebag.” She says to the producers. “Aw honey” they respond, “If that was ground for disqualification, none of you would be here.”

To end this live segment from the looney bin, Melissa confronts Blake who is taking care of his dental hygiene for the evening. He promises to talk to her once he’s done brushing. And she waits. And waits. And waits, until Bachelor Pad cuts to commercial accompanied by the sweet sounds of his power brusher. Well played Bachelor Pad.

Going Down The Slippery Slope 

I found this date predictable and boring which also sums up my feelings about Blake and Holly. To be quite honest, I am getting tired of Holly. While I could watch Melissa act crazy for days, watching Holly cry about having too many boys like her is annoying… and boring.

So here’s my quick recap.

Limo. Flirting. Drinking. Private Plane. Flirting. Drinking. Flying. Skiing. Flirting. Drinking. Falling. Falling. Laughing. Falling. Fireside Picnic. Flirting. Confessing. Drinking. Overnight Suite. Drinking. Flirting. Kissing. Lights off. Giggling.

Blech. (photos from Buddytv.com)

Really, that’s all you need to know. That and that Holly turned her ear muff into a hipster headband.

Back at the pad: I an provide a similar recap to what was going on. 

Michael. Pouting. Staring. Lonely. Crying. Melissa. Crazy. Crying. Annoying. Micheal. Sad. Sulking. All-nighter pulling. Pouting. Waxing Poetic. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. 

As Holly and Blake waltz back into the mansion, I can’t help but think that Holly is playing everyone here. She seems all ditzy and flirty and nice but what if she really is just playing this game like a pro? Nah, that’s giving her too much credit.

Pad-ness 

When Holly gets back, Micheal literally RUNS to her. Desperate much? She was gone for ONE day. He and Melissa both are a little unhinged. No wonder Blake and Holly want to get away from them.

Michael wraps Holly up in hugs of love and begs her to love him back. She is kinda on the fence about the whole thing and keeps stringing him along. Blah blah blah until Holly tells Michael she kissed Blake. He gets all pissed and I am thankfully we finally get to stop watching this.

Rose ceremony!

After finding out who the cast of Dancing with the Stars will be (Chas Bono, Ron Artest, David Arquette, Kirstin Cavillari, Hope Solo and some other peeps) it’s on to the Rose Ceremony.

When is this going home? (photo from Buddytv.com)

CH appears on the scene ready to break the tension with his trademark combo os skinny ties, a case of champagne and a little attitude. We learn there will be no twists – just one man and one lady going home.

Instead of a booze-filled night of whispers, we get an all-out crazy fest. With people (and by people I mean Kasey and Melissa) running around trying to “save” themselves.

At first it appears the group is going to get rid of Vienna and Kasey (Woo HOO!!! Sweet hallelujah!) but then Kasey starts assaulting people with his Miami Vice suit and annoying pleas.

Just know “this money is necessary for my grandma to live.” A scheming Kasey tells a gaggle of mindless followers. Ugh.  It appears the king of all douches will live to play another day. Woof. Poor William.

All the while, Melissa is carrying around her blanket of crazy, begging everyone to “swear they won’t vote her off.” It gets so bad that, at one point, as Melissa runs up to a group, Graham begs to keep her crazy ass away from him.

Everyone lies straight to her face, saying they are voting Erica off. Melissa seems to buy it for a little bit before realizing her fate is sealed. She will be taking the limo straight to the mental ward.

Rose Time:

The twins (Blake and Kirk), Ella and Holly are safe.

Graham, Michelle (why was she crying?), Erica and Michael are safe. We’re down to the final four.

In the end, predictably William and Melissa go home.

William gets in the limo with dignity (I know, I didn’t know he had that in him) but breaks down a little once protected by the walls of the limo. Poor guy just couldn’t hang with all the backstabbing and scheming. Maybe he should have worked in some muppet impersonations. That would have definitely entertained me helped.

Well Melissa, you really showed us that you're normal and fun and cool, right? (Photo from Buddytv.com)

Then it’s Melissa’s last hurrah! She tries to hold it together but in the limo she does the worst thing to ever be seen on television. She holds in her tears thus turning her face into a monster mash of lunacy. It is embarrassing and beyond awkward. Guess love just wasn’t in the cards for ole girl. I’m sad to see her go.

PSYCHE!

So that was Bachelor Pad. Honestly, I wasn’t thrilled with this episode. Too much crazy clouded this recap. Hopefully we’ll get some better SE next week.

No more challenge, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be recapping this week. Gotta find another show. Suggestions?

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Getting Awkward at the VMAs

Last night I channeled my inner 17-year-old (not too hard to do since I channel her every Tuesday night for Pretty Little Liars, every Wednesday for The Challenge, every Thursday for Jersey Shore and as needed for any other awkwardness) and watched the MTV Video Music Awards.

I returned to MTV for the Real World/Road Rules Challenge, so I figured the VMAs was the next logical step. And anytime you say Britney Spears, I am there. Seriously ya’ll, I love her.

As I watched, I thought it would be a travesty if I didn’t share my thoughts on the event.

So here are my top 5 most awkward moments and my 5 favorite moments. As always, awkward goes first. It will make the highlights that much better.

What the What? 

1. Lady Gaga aka Joe Calderone – The first time.

So when I heard Lady Gaga was opening the show, I figured shit would get weird but I never expected Sir Gaga to make an appearance. Huffing a chucky and spouting all kinds of oddities, Joe Calderone came out and made everyone feel awkward as hell. When you make Brit Brit squirm you know you’re on the edge of sanity. Poor Katie Holmes looked like she couldn’t wait to get out of there. I was just wondering if this was real life.

2. Justin Bieber – The Snake, the Shoes, The Hair. Oh My. 
I am probably going to get a lot of hate comments after writing this but Justin Bieber was weird as hell last night. First off, how old is this kid now? Second, why does he dress like a lesbian hipster? Grow out that hair a little longer and throw some heels on that boy and you’ve got a pretty little lady on your hands. And what the h is up with those shoes? Leopard print sneakers? Who are you?
Now on to the snake. Why the F did he bring a snake? Is it supposed to make him edgier? I am so confused.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez at the 2011 VMAs. Photo: Getty Images

 

3. Lady Gaga Introducing Britney Spears 

I love me some Britney. I only watched this show to see them honor Ms. Spears but then they had to go and make it weird by having Lady Gaga introduce her. The part about touching him/herself made me want to vom. Couldn’t we have just had someone nice like Beyoncé honor Brit?

Not Cool Joe. Photo: Kevin Winter/ Getty Images

Nope, because to add insult to injury. Brit was only given a nanosecond to accept her award (with weird-ass Joe Gaga standing too close and starring) and then had to introduce Beyoncé. Way to steal her thunder MTV.

4. Chris Brown 

Love the dancing but I can’t help but feel uncomfortable when he’s performing. Something about beating the s**t out of Rhianna always gets to me. Oh and that whole Nirvana part. Weird.
5. Katy Perry and Nicky Minaj – Weird is the New Black 
When did dressing like Punky Brewster on acid become really cool? I guess we have Gaga Calderon to thank for that one but really, aren’t there other ways to look like a “rock star?” I mean, Beyoncé has managed to do it perfectly since Destiny’s Child (hey – bare midriffs were cool then).
I just don’t get it. The box on the head. The ice cream necklace (do not try to make that dirty). Someone needs to tell them it’s weird and not in a good way. Weird in a “you look like a little kid who glued everything in their toy box to their outfit” kind of way.

Nicky Minaj – WTF? (Image: Getty Images)

Who Run the World – Girls. 

1. Beyoncé 

What’s not to love? She wore an amazing dress. Rocked an amazing performance AND announced to the world that she will be the most amazing pregnant woman to ever live. All in heels.

B killed it. Watch it the way it was intended. In HD here. (Sorry couldn’t embed from MTV). Gah-  Her smile at the end when she shows off her baby bump is adorable. Love Love Love her.

Amazing. Photo by Getty Images

2. Britney Spears 

Ok, I know this post has a 2000 VMA bias but I love these ladies. Britney Spears’ performances on the VMAs have been epic (epic amazing and epic awful but always epic). The only thing that would have made the dance tribute better would have been if Brit herself had led it up. But I know that as much as I wish Britney would go back to her 20-year-old self, we can’t go back.

Even when Gaga tried to break her and make her crack, Brit held her cool. Love her. Check out her accepting her ‘Best Pop Video’ award.  I know her get-up was a little unfortunate but whatever, it’s Britney bitch.

Brit loves her some ankle booties. Photo by Getty Images

3. Adele 

I already loved Adele. After her performance last night, I am obsessed.

To watch is to love. No further explanation is necessary.

4. The Hunger Games preview + Jennifer Lawrence

So I was going to call it a night but then they said that there would be a preview for The Hunger Games. Needless to say, I stayed up to catch it. I was a little disappointed with the length of the preview but seeing Jennifer Lawrence introduce the clip was enough.

My husband has been best friend’s with Jennifer’s brother since they were like 7, so every time we see her on something like this it is ridiculously cool.

5. Bruno Mars tribute to Amy Winehouse 

I thought this was a great tribute. Nothing too sappy or frivolous. They didn’t try to change her into something she wasn’t. I loved Tony Bennett and Russell Brand’s stories but it was Bruno Mars singing ‘Valerie’ that really nailed it.

Check it out here.

So after surrendering my Sunday night to MTV, I can’t say it wasn’t worth it. Not sure if I’ll be back next year. Aw, who am I kidding. All they have to do is say Britney Spears and i’ll be glued to every minute.

What were your favorite and least favorite moments? What did you think of Joe/Gaga? Would you wear a yellow box on your head?

Bachelor Pad tonight!

Until next time… Stay tuned!

 

 

 

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Move over Elle Woods, Erica Rose Esquire Coming Through

Earlier this week we saw the trashiest tiara wearer  in all the land carrying around a gavel in her hunt to eliminate Kasey from “the game” on Bachelor Pad. Why, I asked aloud, is our pretty pretty princess working legal mumbo jumbo into her regularly scheduled vapid musings?

Erica? Is that you?

One helpful reader helped fill me in on the deets. It appears Erica Rose is in law school. Yowza.

According to her website TheEricaRose.com(yes, you can book her for parties, bar mitzvahs, club openings or any other event where a scary plastic surgery remnant is needed),  Erica is in law school.

Erica lives in Houston and concluding her final year of law school at the University of Houston.  Her new goal is to put her judgmental attitude for the greater good and have her own court show as a younger, hotter, Judge Judy.  “Dr. Phil” agreed and endorsed Erica’s career as an Entertainment Legal expert.

Okay first off, she’s almost done with law school?!? I knew she was smarter than she appeared.

Second, speaking of her appearance, what has happened to her? She looks totally different in this picture. If it weren’t for the tiara and extensions, I’d think I was on the wrong website.

And last but certainly not least, is she for real with that last sentence? “Her new goal is put her judgmental attitude for the greater good and have her own court show as a younger, hotter Judge Judy.” Seriously? I’m not even going to mention the grammatical errors, what I really want to focus on is the “younger, hotter Judge Judy” part and the fact that Dr. Phil has “endorsed” her. I thought Bachelor Pad was crazy but this is sheer madness.

What would Erica’s show be called? Let’s have a name Erica’s show contest with no prize except my love & adoration (and a mention on the blog, but we all know that can’t be worth much).

I’m confused by the alien sent from another planet to melt our brains human being that is Erica Rose. Just when I think I have her pined down, she throws us a curve ball.

Can’t get enough of Ms. Rose? Keep up to date with which Muppet Baby she’s hanging out with by following her on twitter, @LegallyErica  

Don’t forget to play the “Name Erica’s Show” game in the comments section below. I’m excited to hear some doozies.

I wasn’t able to watch the challenge last night but I promise I will tonight and I’ll post the recap tomorrow.

Until then… stay tuned!

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Ruh Roh – Ben Flajnik is the Next Bachelor According to Us Weekly

Jinkies! It appears goofy haired, silly voiced Ben “Scooby Snacks” Flajnik will be the next Bachelor according to Us Weekly.

Yup friends, it appears Mr. Cream Dream (if you forgot  or don’t know about this – you need to. Click the link)  himself will have 25 desperate   lovely ladies vying for his reassurance of their self-worth love.

No word from ABC yet but it appears his little puppy voices, shaggy hair and painfully monotone voice have melted ladies hearts the world over.

I can’t say I’m a big fan of this decision. I will say this is welcome relief from the thought of Ryan P. aka Prince Charming from Shrek aka the Sun God being the next Bachelor. That would have been just a little too much for me. Personally, I was hoping for Ames. That man is pure, television gold. His awkwardness knows no bounds and he does a fabulous one-on-one interview.

Oh alright Neil, I'll try it again. (ABC/MATT KLITSCHER)

I’ll keep you all posted on any more details that come out.

What do you all think of Ben as the next Bachelor? Who would be your pick? Will you be watching?

Update: I just found this pic of Ben (courtesy of starcasm.net). Yup, this guy is the next Bachelor. I don’t know where he was all season of The Bachelorette but maybe if this guy shows up, we could be in for some good times. 

Cheers! Wanna Party? (starcasm.net)

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Letting Trailer Trash and Tattoos Run Your Life – Bachelor Pad Episode 3 Recap

Hey friends – Can we all agree that last night’s show was the most chock full of SE in Bachelor Pad history? Sorry, I’ve been watching this show so long the hyperbole has started to come naturally.But really, it was awful – so let’s dive into a pool of awkwardness, shall we?

The montage gives us a sneak peek of all we have to look forward to and none of the nasty, icky parts that make us squirm and want to change the channel (see Kasey & Vienna doing anything, Jake and Erica rose canoodling in bathing suits, open mouth kissing). It appears that there are some chinks in Kasey’s protective armor, some emotional scars that have yet to heal for Michael and some crazy that cannot be kept under control for Melissa. Ooooo Weee this is gonna be good one (and by good, I mean painfully awful).

Kirk, the resident nice guy starts off by breaking down the “power couples.” Take note of this phrase because it’s going to get its fair share of usage this episode. And just to show that he has a sense of humor, he tells us about the least powerful couple – Blake and that crazy blonde girl who won’t stop following him around.

We pick up right after the last rose ceremony (WHY WHY WHY isn’t anyone talking about the epic romance they just witnessed between Ames & Jackie?) where Melissa chugs some sort of clear liquid (vodka, water, sprite, all three? who knows? ) while whisper yelling at Blake. Yikes. I mean, if Kasey and Vienna weren’t on this show, I would definitely hate her the most.

This happens. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

So all the girls try to console her when what they really should be doing is slapping her senselessly while reminding her that she met Blake exactly one week ago. Even Holly (who should be required to remain 50 feet away from Holly for her own safety) gets in on the crazy patrol. No one is safe from her madness. NO ONE!

Woah, okay sorry. That was me getting carried away in her madness. Luckily I’ve escaped to finish this recap (nope, it’s not almost finished. you better settle in for a nice long read).

Melissa falls asleep in a puddle of her own tears and vomit while the rest of the cast pass out or retire to grope each other until morning.

Competition Day: 

Morning of the competition, we awake to find Vienna crushing Kasey with her body weight and kisses. The site of these two immediately causes my body to reject my dinner and makes my dog run out of the room in terror. I wonder if these two have noticed similar reactions in their daily lives? The minute they hit the screen, I pray that it ends and my prayers are answered by the sound of Chris Harrison’s voice alerting the group that they better recognize and get their asses outside.

CH continues to inexplicably raid Brad’s hand-me-downs but is sporting some of his fresh attitude which almost makes up for the poor fashion choice.

Side note: Did you all see Blake without his hair gel? Who let these Geek Squad tech guy out of his standard issue VM bug and onto this show?

So CH let’s the posse know that today’s competition will involve being judged by their skill, talent and overall performance. The group gets excited since they assume he’s talking about sex. Instead, they are immediately disappointed when they learn he’s talking about synchronized swimming.

Just like on the last challenge, Vienna finds a way to make this one about her. She tells us that she is going to be the BEST! at this because she swam and was on the dance team in high school. She clearly fit these activities in during times that weren’t softball season (since we all know how awesome she was at that).

We also learn that this will be a subjective aka judged contest. So ABC uses this as an excuse to bring Dave and Natalie, last year’s winners back. They will pick their friends to win  judge alongside the only person there who has any idea what synchronized swimming is supposed to look like – the gold medal winning, world champion coach (we know that because she is wearing her medal) who has got to be hating her life right now.

"Get me outta here." (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the group prepares we learn two important things about our BP friends. 1. Erica Rose cannot swim. She cannot dive. She cannot doggie paddle. Yowza. 2. Michael Stagliano choreographs dance. Hold the phone – are you for reals? No wonder I’ve been picking up on a slightly feminine vibe.

Clearly only one of the aforementioned contestants is in the running to win.

All the Single Ladies

Any BP challenge would not be complete without costumes, so the girls prance back in with their new ‘fits on ready to drown. Vienna tells us, “I have the hardest part in the routine and I am much better than the other girls” so she is shoo-in to win. Just like last time right Vienna? She’s always so humble and gracious this one.

Do these flowers make my boobs look big? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the girls prepare to dive in, my mind wanders and I wonder if anyone has considered drowning Vienna and Kasey during this challenge, putting them and all of America out of its misery. Sorry, back to the challenge.

The girls routine is horrible and the “judges” try to comment their way through it without falling on the ground in a fit of laughter. Our trusty narrator Kirk steps in to tells that the girls routine was “yugh” but I think he really meant to just say that the girls in general are “yugh.”

As they attempt to keep above water, I am reminded (possibly by the music) of the Fat Ballerina Hippo routine from Fantasia. I’m pretty sure that was what they were trying to recreate here. You make the call:

The routine wraps up and the judges confer. I yell at the screen hoping that Dave & Natalie will hear my pleas and give the rose to ANYONE but Vienna.

It’s Raining Men

The dudes “suit” up to create a rainbow of man packages. Yuck, that sentence was disgusting. Sorry.

Without even having to try they are infinitely better than the girls. The ability to dive into the pool is the first of many things the girls found hard, confusing and scary (those adjectives sound really dirty when combined together in a post about Bachelor Pad) which the boys were able to easily master.

Ta DAAAAA! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

As the Bachelor Pad Backstreet Boys swim in beautiful circles, I applaud BP’s effective use of the pool for the first time ever. Way to use your resources. That moment is ruined when we get an underwater camera shot of Jake’s under carriage. I am now forever scarred.

The guys put the figurative cherry on their synchronized swimming sundae with a twist and a flirty hand wave from Michael. Such a showman.

Judging the bad from the REALLY bad

Natalie and Dave applaud those who didn’t suck but weren’t actually very good – Vienna, Holly, Kirk and Jake. Then Karen, the synchronized swimming expert, pushes them out-of-the-way to reveal the actual winners – Michelle and Micheal.

How much are we getting paid to do this? (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

They will each get a rose and go on another awkward group date. Yipee – another chance to see Michael make Holly feel uncomfortable.  No but really, I am SO happy that Vienna and/or Kasey didn’t win. The mere thought of watching them on a date makes me want to consider moving to a country without television (that is about as serious as it gets with me).

But before we can get to the dates, ABC throws in some Erica & Jake tongue kissing and groping (did you see that awful awful camera angle of Erica laying on the lounger? Hopefully you didn’t cause it was rough) and a Kasey & Vienna fight for good measure.

Apparently Vienna has been acting too “cordial” (who knew that Kasey’s vocab included that word?) to Jake. This causes Vienna to fly off the handle and opens up the fake tears flood gates. This girl cannot be real. Basically, these two make everyone cringe and it appears that the others way be waking up from the zombie spell they put on them. Here’s hoping.

Jake echos this sentiment, in a much cheesier and annoying fashion by saying “Everyone is looking for a hero because Kasey and Vienna are so overexposed.”

ABC prolongs the madness by following Kasey and Vienna into the pantry where they are discussing who’s crazier (don’t worry there’s a lot of Pot/Kettle stuff going on this episode). When Kasey tells Vienna she’s acting crazy, the producers – in a moment of brilliance – zoom in on Kasey’s tattoo. Well played, camera man. Well played.

Hungry Eyes  – Michelle’s Group Date 

As if it’s a surprise, Michelle tells us that she is taking Graham on the group date. She says his name like she wants to eat him. I’m not sure what it is about the tone but it makes me fearful that she is going to use her crazy, witchy eyes to cast a spell on him, turn him into a human graham cracker and eat him. I apologize for any nightmares that statement may cause.

The third and fourth wheels on this date will be Blake and Kasey. Dang, these dudes are racking up the dates. I respect this move by the queen of all crazy Michelle. She is trying to break Melissa and Vienna by taking their men on the dates. Okay, maybe she’s not that clever but for now – I’m going to pretend she is.

Kasey throws on his “date” blazer/coat thing and it’s game time.

And with this kiss, I thee wed.

Today’s date takes place at a vineyard where the group sits around drinking wine and discussing their feelings. Or as it’s called everywhere else in America, girl’s night out. Michelle isn’t there just to swap stories though. Nancy Drew is on  mission to find out what makes these guys tick. So she separates everyone in a quest to discover all their secrets, which she will store and use to back-stab them in future episodes.

She lays down the law for Blake, telling him that he better “make it right with Melissa.” Uh, good luck with that one.

Then she grabs Graham, pulling him aside to confess her undying love that formed 5 days ago. Michelle’s drunk eyes say ‘I love you’ and Grahams uncomfortable posture says “Please don’t eat me.” In the end, Michelle wishes that she and Graham could find “some common ground” which on Bachelor Pad means spit swapping.  This date ends up being, all-in-all, pretty boring. It ends, predictably, with Michelle giving Graham the rose and stuffing her tongue down his throat.

Every Rose has its Thorn. An evening with Brett Micheals.

Michael does an elfin jig when his date card arrives and gives his lucky charms to Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly looks absolutely thrilled about this date, I mean who wouldn’t want to go on ANOTHER date with your ex-finacee?

Holly makes this clear when she says “I feel like we can’t make a decision about our future at this time.” Um, wait you mean you don’t think Bachelor Pad is the best place to make decisions? Yeah, you’re probably right about that.

Before they head out on their date, Vienna stuffs her face with a sandwich (“Lay off me, I’m starving!”) since she knows she may not be able to eat for like 30 minutes.

Today’s date involves the group doing a little horseback riding but not before Vienna throws on her ugliest outfit and runs up the mountain like a chubby 5-year-old girl. Woof. They horridness that is Vienna continues as she complains about EVERYTHING.

Just to show how amazingly awful Vienna is (and how cute, sweet and awesome Ella is), they follow every nice thing Ella says with Vienna being an ungrateful hag. If I were her horse, I would buck her fat-ass off. But then again, her horse probably lacks the strength to throw her off under all that weight.

Feed ME! (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Back at the pad: Blake makes a french toast peace-offering to Melissa not knowing that a blood offering is the only way to appease this beast. I also think he is wearing a leather shirt. In the end, the Melissa/Blake team is back-on, mostly because Melissa is so insecure that merely partnering up with someone makes her feel loved. 

The horses finally carry the crew up to the top of the mountain, where a picnic awaits them. Vienna proceeds to scarf down whatever is placed in front of her while Michael grabs Holly for some alone time.

Unfortunately for us all, we’re subjected to watching these two hash it out again. Basically it’s the same convo moved to different locations. They cry it out and make no decisions but isn’t that what loves all about?

“Deep down, I don’t think we’re supposed to be together,” says Holly. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you’re right about that one. Can you please please please let Michael know so he stops acting all weird/excited and inviting you everywhere he goes?

Back at the pad: Kasey contemplates what his life is all about while staring out at the horizon. In his voice-over, he tells us that his “brain adapts to changing situations.” Well, yeah Kasey – that’s what brains do. This asshat is unbearable and I still cannot fathom how a group of individuals have agreed to follow his decisions. 

Woof.

We also get a sneak at Erica and Jake acting like two awkward, sexually-active band geeks. You know those kids in that were always feeling each other up in the hallways? Yeah, it’s like watching that but the girl is wearing a tiara (actually, I feel like some band kids at my school wore weird hairpieces like that – so it’s basically the exact same thing). Moral of the story – Gross (and I don’t care if Erica says it was “hot” it was not hot. Not hot at all). 

Back on the mountaintop, Micheal and Holly conclude their cry fest with him bestowing the rose upon her yet again. Ella and Vienna pack up their picnic and head home. Meanwhile, Michael and Holly get the awesome punishment reward of getting to hang out with Brett Michaels on his tour bus.

Voice of Reason. (ABC/GREG ZABILSKI)

Michael & Holly climb aboard the first train to syphilis and break down their love story (for the 45943958239042 time) for Brett who proceeds to give them his advice. Hold the phone. Why in the f is Brett Michaels giving anyone love advice? Has everyone gone mad and forgotten this guy did like 9 season of ‘Rock of Love?’ I guess when you’re on Bachelor Pad, the guy from ‘Rock of Love’ is a legitimate source of inspiration. I don’t know, it’s all too confusing.

It only gets worse when he serenades them. It is a personal pet-peeve, turn-off, source of insane amounts of SE, when people serenade someone. It’s even worse when he is serenading a couple. I also cannot bear to listen to Holly & Michael talk about the poignancy of ‘Every Rose has its Thorn.’ I mean really, are these people serious? Is this real life?

Thankfully the concert ends and Brett is like “Show’s over, get the hell out of here.” So they head back to the pad for some goo, old-fashioned conniving.

Commercial Break Question: Okay, I am serious here people. If you know of ANYONE applying for The Bachelor(ette) please please please tell me about it. I need to hear about this. It can be our little secret. 

Promises are Forever 

Now that the date foolishness is out-of-the-way, it’s time to get our secret plotting underway but not before another stomach-churning moment between Kasey & Vienna. Kasey pulls Vienna over for some alone time where he confesses, once again, how much he loves her and reaffirms his commitment to guard and protect her. Woof. Then he goes to his pocket, where Vienna romantically says “I don’t want you to propose to me.” Real nice. I hate both of these two mongrels, but I fear I hate her more.

Instead of an engagement ring (you know he can’t afford that shiz yet), Kasey presents her with a promise ring. They kiss and a I realize that every moment spent watching these two is a moment I will never get back.

Then in a moment that will live in Bachelor Pad infamy, Kasey begins screeching singing to Vienna. I immediately cover my eyes and begin shouting uncontrollably, “Make it STOP! Make it STOP!” We are forced to pause the show to regain our ability to breathe. Talk singing is the the worst thing of all time. I thought it was beyond bad when he sang for Ali in that museum (try not to go back there in your mind), but this is WAY worse.

“I made you a promise and I put it on your finger” he squeals as my ears begin bleeding. I’ve never hated anything more than I hated that song (it’s a disservice to the word song and all other songs – including Rebecca Black’s ‘Friday’ –  to call it that but I can’t think of anything else). I begin praying to the Lord above to make it stop and thankfully, he hears my prayers.

The rest of this segment is spent talking about how looney tunes Melissa is. I mean, you know that when Kasey calls you “bat-shit crazy” you probably are (once again – Pot meet Kettle). We also see Erica do her best Pink Panther as she spies on everyone as the talk about voting off Jake.

Here begins Erica’s double-cross. She basically spend the rest of the show pushing Melissa to the brink of sanity and telling everyone else that she is unable to keep her crazy under control.

BTW – No wonder she can’t keep crazy under control – have you seen all the liquor in that house? i’m surprised they are even able to stand up straight let alone back-stab the shit out of one another.

To add insult to injury, Blake comes clean with Melissa and tells her he doesn’t want to be involved romantically. Uh-oh.  If I were Blake, I would not be telling her this in the kitchen where they are lots of sharp objects nearby.

I think Jake says it best when he opines, “She needs to be loved and accepted way more than she needs $250K.” Truth.

So it appears that the plan is to eliminate Clearly Crazy and Jake. BUT then CH walks in to break it down. He’s put on his favorite skinny tie to help him hold it all together while talking to this douche squad.

He let’s us all know that just one man will be going home this episode. Let the whisper fighting begin!

The group breaks and splits into factions – the people voting Jake off and the people voting Kasey off. Erica leads the “Send Kasey Home” charge by carrying around a little glass gavel and beating everyone senselessly until they agree to be on her side.

No but really, why does she have that? And what’s with all the legal metaphors? She is confusing me. Surely, she’s not a lawyer? Oh and why is she carrying a purse? What does she need? A wallet – nope. A cellphone – nope. I guess it’s got her lip gloss and glass gavel in it. Who knows?

So much judging, so little time.

Back in Kamp Kasey, he gives his version of an Oscar speech to all who have “supported him physically and emotionally.” Is this for real? Who made this guy the boss? I mean,  I know I keep ranting about this but it is literally blows my mind that anyone listens to him.

William does his standard move of ruining everything by telling Kasey that people are conspiring to vote him off. This sends Kasey, who thinks he is filming an episode of ‘Miami Vice,’ into a rage. He is beyond pissed that Jake is a “schemer.” Once again, Pot meet Kettle.

This also sends Vienna into “make everything about me” mode. She yells at everyone telling them “We didn’t come here to lose friendships.” Um, did you come to get punched in the face? Cause I’m sure we could make that happen. She tells us she would be “so mad if my friends voted my boyfriend off and left me here with Jake.” Apparently no one has told her this is not the Vienna show (despite what ABC has led you to believe). I honestly can say with complete authority that I wish someone would vote her off of life. Is that possible?

Anyways, Kasey and his crew vote for Jake. When he drops in Jake’s picture he says “That’s for America. That’s for my girlfriend.” Kasey honey, the first statement would only be true is if you punched yourself in the face.

Jake and his crew vote for Kasey with Erica saying what we’ve all been thinking “People are letting trailer trash and a tattooed guy run their lives.” Who ever thought that Erica Rose would be the voice of reason in this house. Side note: How is William still around?

Rose Time (Said out loud to the beat of  “Hammer Time”) 

“I am terrified of Jake,” says Vienna. “I am terrified of a world where people like Vienna exist,” says Danielle.

The roses are handed out one by one til it comes down to Kasey and Jake.

“The name I say will receive the final rose. Kasey”

BLACK SCREEN.

Wow BP, so dramatic. So yeah, it appears trailer trash and the tattoo will be around to ruin our lives for one more episode.

So long Jake.

So what did you all think? Was the SE just too much to stand? Did you die when Kasey started singing?

I gotta hear your thoughts. Don’t let me suffer through this alone.

Until next time… stay tuned.

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Boo – No more CT. MTV The Challenge: Rivals Recap

Not gonna lie – I’m still a little bummed about this week’s episode of The Challenge: Rivals – so this is more of a goodbye note to CT than a recap. All in all, it was a good episode but  this guy is gone, which means I dislike nearly all the humans left on this attempt by MTV to slowly kill all Real World/Road Rules alumni.

Miss you already. (Photo: MTV)

We start out with Laurel making CT the most pathetic breakfast plate ever. But since no one does anything nice for CT, he takes the offering of 4 pieces of fruit on a plate as a lovely gesture. Ah, the blossoming love of two inept adults. I want to like Laurel, I really do but her faint mustache always makes it really hard for me to focus on what she’s saying and/or doing.

Fruit in the name of Love. (Photo: MTV)

Prior to the challenge, the four guys go around beating their chests and talking into the camera about how badly they are going to work their opponent. It should have been clear that Adam/CT were heading home when about 80% of the camera time went to them talking about how awesome they are. Oh well. I was lulled into a false sense of security and should have realized that all along Adam and his late 70’s curly fro were these teams Achilles heel.

The challenge consists of two intersecting half-pipes buried in the ground with a set of 5 balls on each end. The teams will have to  race to move their colored balls to the other side (that sounds filthy dirty). The hitch is that you can ram into your opponents to slow them down.

The challenge is neck and neck, until Adam starts to literally lose his mind and makes a bunch of dumb mistakes. This is where CT steps in and decides to crush fools like there is no tomorrow – there’s hope! After laying Johnny and Tyler out, I squeal out loud in hopes that they will pull it off. Too bad Adam is a total puss and ruins the challenge by losing in a footrace to Tyler. I thought you said you were fast?

Is it still winning if you are a loser? (Photo: MTV)

Johnny goes bananas per his nickname and begins running around like he just won the Super Bowl. Paula, Ev and the rest of the minions screech and howl like a house has just fallen on CT’s head. I half expect to hear  a choreographed performance of the “Lollipop Guild” but once again am disappointed.

We represent the Lollipop Guild. (Photo: MTV)

Instead of a welcome to Munchkin Land, the remaining rivals find out they are headed to Patagonia while Adam and CT head home. Bummer. I wonder if this whole Adam & Jenn thing will continue in the real real world. Doubtful judging by Jenn’s let’s stay friends on-camera goodbye interview.

Back at the Argentina villa, Cara Maria shows Laurel he dressed up pillow (creepy), “You can dress yours up like CT!” she says as Laurel runs out of the room in embarrassment and horror. I like Cara Maria considering the other wack-jobs we have to root for but if I were Laurel I would have ripped that weird Abram heart/jersey thing off that pillow and pushed it down the garbage disposal back in Costa Rica.

Isn't he cute? (Photo: MTV)

The posse makes it to Patagonia and immediately hits the bottle. This causes Wes to once again engage in his favorite activity, loud talking about Cara Maria. After a long chat with her pillow pal, she finds the courage to stand up to the baddest ginger in the land. Not gonna lie, it was pretty awesome how she punked him out. After asking him why he hates her so much, all Wes could manage is that she is immature, annoying and likes her boyfriend and hobby too much. Yeah, that sounds pretty miserable. I much prefer talking about pectoral muscles, getting it in and being awesome which all are signs of the utmost maturity.

He attempts to make her cry, while she succeeds at making him feel stupid. Here’s hoping he pusses out on the final challenge and we can all celebrate for real.

It’s the Final Countdown! 

Challenge time. On the morning of the big day, Tyler and Jenn wake up with the bubble guts and the runs. Yikes. Despite the fact that their bodies are failing them after being on a 21 day bender, they decide to proceed with the challenge.

Wait what? I'm supposed to drink water to hydrate? (Photo: MTV)

We are only given a small tid-bit of the final challenge, but here’s how it starts. They will start off by being towed by a boat underwater for 250 feet (or as long as they can hold their breath). Then they hope into a kayak and paddle their asses off towards land.

The girls go first. Laurel, Paula and Ev are able to hold on the longest and ultimately it looks like it’s going to be two-team race. Jen and Mandi have absolutely no idea how to paddle a kayak so they get off to the VERY slow start. In the end, I think it will come down to Paula mentally failing on the puzzles which will give Laurel and Cara Maria the edge. We’ll have to see though. I’m not willing to count eyebrows and blondie out just yet.

But I don't want to go swimming. (Photo: MTV)

The guys are up next and to be honest, I can’t remember who held on the longest. Probably Wes and Tyler. So they all hope into their kayaks and take off. Despite telling us that he is the king of the world, has never lost at anything in life (except for being a ginger) and is the modern-day version of Superman – Wes still has his least favorite person Kenny for a teammate. Which means, they don’t get off to that great of a start aka they aren’t awesome at kayaking. They finally get it together though and we’ll see what’s in store for these six. My money is on Leroy & Michael because I like them, they don’t suck at life and they are fun. I also hope them winning will ruin Wes’ psyche and he will never appear on one of these shows again.

So there you have it friends. What did you think of The Challenge this week? Were you sad to see CT go? Who do you think will win? Who do you hate more Wes or Kasey/Vienna?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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Filed under The Challenge: Rivals