So can we all agree and say last night’s episode was a leeetle too drawn out. When we get to the very end of the season (hallelujah!) filling two hours can seem a little forced and when you add in the fact that it’s Ashley we’re watching, well it is forced. But alas, I stuck it out and have decided to awake at the crack of dawn to bring you the recap a little earlier. Let me know what you think of the earlier edition (1. because I heart comments 2. because I’m not sure if it will be as good without at least one cup of coffee in my system).
So we’re in Fiji – is this the same resort they go to every year? Sure looks like it. Either way, if you and your honey are looking for a Bachelorette style get away, it can be yours here. In case you weren’t aware Ashley tells us, “Fiji is a set of islands in the South Pacific.” Well thanks for the geography lesson Ash. I’m guessing Ames dropped that knowledge bomb on you and you just had to share it with all of us. Then an ocean lends a geyser like spray of water into the air which I’m guessing is the producers (and nature) letting us know that Ashley’s love will explode on this episode.
Up until this point, Ashley has made a habit of wearing tops as dresses, now we see her mixing it up and using tops as skirts. Either way, she’s not going to let a beach trip to Fiji stop her from wearing her favorite 9 inch heels. Sand shmand.
Ashley then provides us with an unnecessary recap of the final three aka the twins and JP. I pay very little attention here (since it feels like I’ve seen this montage at least 3 times already) with the exception of commenting on how much I love Consty’s family and gushing on JP’s sequence (during which I catch myself awkwardly smiling at the screen, SE much). I feel it is worth noting here that I am actually proud of Ashley for being able to keep JP around to the end. Nice work little lady.
We’re back in Fiji where Ashley, dressed in her standard Flashdance attire (really, how many off-the-shoulder tops can one girl own?), contemplatively reflects by the ocean. This moment of clarity is followed by some journaling at which point Drew pips in with his insightful comment of the show, “She really is 15.” Yes, yes she is. This comment also sets a tone for this episode during which we’re reminded far too often how much Ashley is a 15-year-old girl trapped in a 17-year-old body.
One last recap of the journey and then we’re off! Except we’re NOT! Duh Duh Duh.
What the What?
When we return from the break, the producers have gone all handheld camera on us. The music, editing and ugly flip-flops cue the arrival of the ominous swamp monster that is Ryan. So long happy sun-loving dude and hello creepy, scary, psycho axe murderer. The producers surely hate Ashley if they are allowing this creeper (who’s clearly one wrong word away from a mental break) to come back and kill her.
She invites Ryan into the villa and I yell ‘NO!’ instinctively at the TV. Doesn’t she know you never let the scary bad man inside?
This is definitely not the kind of surprise Ashley was looking for and she looks about as awkward as I feel, so I’m thinking for this short moment we may have something in common. Ry, as Ashley as now taken to calling him, strings together a creepy monologue that includes Thai chi and something about not being able to get back to his sun-sacrificing.
I am sooooo (I really hate having to add all those extra O’s but there is absolutely no other way to describe my feelings) weirded out. The desperation is making me physically ill (which is good for Drew since he gets everything I am now too sick to eat for dinner). When Ryan says “Call me crazy.” I do and then pick up my phone and make a call requesting he be taken in for evaluations. The secondary embarrassment that they’ve crammed into these few minutes is insane. This is the kind of SE that gives me anxiety and I just want it to end.
I think Ryan can sense that Ashley (and all of America) is creeped out so he let’s her know he’s made a little vacay of his trip halfway around the world and that she can find him in his room where unbeknownst to us, he will wait, alone until Ashley comes to see him. Then he’s gone and left to creep out the producers and the hotel staff. It’s raining as he leaves and I wonder if it’s symbolic.
Now back to our regularly scheduled Bachelorette.
Date #1 aka It’s about damn time we were on a yacht.
Ashley waves excitedly to Ben like the 15-year-old that she is. Despite saying that he’s really excited, it’s hard to believe when his voice sounds like he is being forced to walk the plank (yup, I just made a pirate reference. Not really sure where that came from bu I like it). I know I’ve noticed it in the last couple episodes but has he been this monotone all season? I think I must have just been distracted by his normalcy.
Ashley tells Ben they’ll be going on a boat ride and Ben asks if it’s the lame dingy tied up to the dock (which is not an odd question since they haven’t really done anything cool on dates all season). Ashley let’s Ben know that the producers have finally let her play with the big boy toys and they will be cruising in style on a yacht! I thought they had all but eliminated nice things from Ashley’s season. Looks like they were just holding back on us.
All aboard where these two act like a pair of kids. They shout “you go first” in unison, then yell “jinx”, begin giggling and then grab their kiddie cocktails from TGI Fridays.
The theme of this date is agreement. They have made a pact in advance to agree on EVERYTHING and it is exhausting. This agreement even extends to the color of their clothes. Barf. After a day of lathering each other up in sunscreen (Ashley got a little suggestive in her positioning here, not sure how I feel about it), snorkeling and canoodling, these two are spent. Honestly, I would go into more detail on their date but it’s not really necessary. Imagine letting the annoying cheerleader from 1st period sophomore year and her strange but cute boyfriend on a yacht. That is what it was like.
You missed a spot.
They both agree (I know, it’s so weird that they would agree) that today was their “best day ever” and then it’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the pre-fantasy suite portion of their date.
Ben borrows one of JP’s v-neck tees (Wait, is that thing Mesh? And a Sweater? Yikes!) and awkwardly open his arms wide for a big Ben hug. Ashley accepts because she knows that a big Ben hug is the first in a series of embraces that will occur on fantasy suite night. It is worth noting that for once, I actually like what Ashley is wearing. Please don’t judge me.
Ben is getting all mushy and his nervousness is translating to weird awkwardness at dinner. It’s even more awkward with accompanied by sad piano music.”That’s why i have this grin on my face. I’m quite happy.” He’s saying this but his face says pained sadness.Could have fooled me Ben.
He has decided that tonight is the night to tell Ash that he la,la,la loves her. But the conversation leading up to the awkward one-sided I love you (did you all know that Ashley isn’t allowed to say ‘I Love You’ back? I had no idea but Drew has known all along. I guess only one of us has been paying attention to the “rules) is making me cringe. I feel the onset of SE goosebumps and cover my face in horror. Ben is dancing around it and I don’t want him to say it and yet i do because I just want it to end (which is probably what you’re feeling about this blog post). It’s like waiting for a shot at the doctor’s office - you know its going to be horrible but you also just want it to be over.
“You know, I’m on my way to, you know, the whole I love you thing.” Did he just hiccup in the middle of that? Did that count as I love you? Woof, this whole conversation is painstakingly awful.
ABC puts us out of our misery and cuts to Ashley who says “I’m hoping tonight Ben will show me how he feels.” Which translates to “I hope we get it on tonight in the fantasy suite.” We cut back to Ashley pulling out the envelope and seductively reading it (like she really needs to try that hard). Ben accepts, duh and it’s on.
Before getting down to business Ben decides that the little hiccup of an I love you was an uncontrolled outburst, not the actual phrase and that he is going to hold back the real thing. Whatever, just get out of here and into the fantasy suite.
I still can't believe you can carry me!
After a 30 second dip in the pool, Ben carries (I know, I can’t believe he can carry her either) Ashley inside to make whoopie (yup, I just said whoopie and I liked it).
Date #2 aka It’s about damn time we flew in a helicopter.
We return to the horror of Ashley’s latest ensemble. Not only does she act like a 15-year-old, she dresses like one, a loose one at that.
Behold. My bare midriff!
It’s Consty date time which thankfully, also means it’s helicopter time. I thought maybe ABC had called off all helicopter flights after their excessive use last season but it’s good to have them back. Can’t say I wasn’t disappointed that instead of a plethora of helicopter, rappelling and yacht dates, this season we got to see a lot of markets, picnics and back alleys. I had almost given up hope but there must not be any markets or back-alleys in Fiji to try to lose Ashley in.
This date is already better than the one with Ben since Consty has the ability to show emotion. One laugh and he’s set himself apart from his twin. This joy is abruptly ended end they cut to one of the more frightening moments in the history of The Bachelorette. Ryan is standing alone on the beach watching the helicopter from below. Watching, waiting, plotting. I am seriously nervous for their safety and by their, I mean JP.
Consty and Ash arrive at a waterfall (jeez, they saved EVERYTHING good for this one episode) which Ash says they will be jumping from. I’m thinking this is gonna be awesome until I find out they are jumping from a high-dive level ledge under the waterfall. Waah, Waaaa.
Consty takes the “leap of faith” Ashley’s been waiting for by jumping from the ledge (with his shoes on?). We know this is a serious accomplishment because it is accompanied by the serious accomplishment music.
Fun fact: Consty looked at 108 houses before buying one. First, who knew there were that many houses in Cumming, GA? Second, Consty is a picky guy, which I respect. It’s also good that he knows people are more dynamic than houses. Well yeah, you can also sleep with people rather than in one. Okay, never mind that came out dirty. Moving on.
It’s dinner time and Consty, while not dressed to the nines, is looking better than his mesh-loving twin. Dinner starts and it’s clear – Consty doesn’t really like Ashley that much. This date is not very romantical and within moments the writing is on the wall – Consty doesn’t want to propose next week, he doesn’t want to kick it in the fantasy suite (and all that it “implies”) and last but not least he does not want another rose. He does this all in the guise of saying he respects her too much to continue moving forward but Ashley knows what this means and she starts dropping insecurity bombs left and right.
Just when he’s about to cut President Obama breaks in for some important address on the national debt crisis. Doesn’t the Prez know that Ashley’s journey to find her one true love is way more important than our credit limit and the financial health of our nation? GAH.
I’m about to get on my soap box when I realize we are behind on our DVR and I can fast-forward through this (oh quit your judging, you just wish you could have fast-forwarded too).
And we’re back to this nightmare of a dinner date.
Consty is dunzo and not cause Ashley is sending him home. Another dude packing his bags and telling Ashley they’re just not that into her. There have been quite a few guys who have said sayonara early this season – is this a new record? Ashley stepping up her game and running everyone off!
So Consty packs up his toiletries and heads back to Cumming (what he couldn’t stay one more night? jeez!) while Ashley sits alone at dinner and read about what could have been in the fantasy suite.
Side note: Can we talk about how they put an actual, old-fashioned key in the envelope. Is there still a hotel on this planet that uses keys like that? Especially one as nice as this. C’mon CH.
What do you think this opens?
After counting to 100, Ashley finally gets up and sulks back to the fantasy suite (Big door. Little Ashley), drowns her sorrows in champagne and covers herself in a blanket of insecurity.
When she wakes up, she has a new resolve. She will make these dudes prove they are there for her! And in the mean time, she will boost her spirits by visiting Ryan who will, literally, beg for her affection. Just the kind of pick-me-up Ash needs to get the day started.
Rendezvous with Ryan
So I know people have been telling me for a while now, but I never noticed how bow-legged Ashley really is until this walk to Ryan’s chickee hut. She arrives and bites her nails in nervous anticipation (“What if even HE doesn’t like me?”). Ryan couldn’t be happier to see Ashley mostly because his self-induced seclusion in his room is finally over.
The two throw compliments back and forth to help boost their egos and once Ashley is finally feeling better about herself she breaks it down to Ryan. Ryan’s odd, scary smile (that hides the craziness beneath) breaks when she tells him that there is no spark, no romance. Ryan yells “Nuh-uh!” but Ashley holds strong and tells him it’s over.
Yeah, not so much.
All along we knew that Ryan was just one goodbye away from a total meltdown and here it is. The break-up is even worse the second time around and I think Ry is considering flinging himself over the balcony and into the ocean for good. The producers talk him down from that but then he spirals into a Howard Hughesian (you know, the guy Leonardo played in The Aviator) rant “It’ll happen, It’ll happen…. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” I want to hide my entire being and fight the SE but I am way too concerned for his mental stability. Is there suicide watch in Figi?
It'll happen. It'll happen.
Date 3 aka The One with the Bi-Plane.
I like how they save JP for the end every time. They know that he is all we are interested in and therefore make us sit through all the crapola to get to the good stuff.
If you didn’t know that Ashley was head over heels in love with JP, you should be full aware after she squealed his name in excitement like the 15 year-old that she is – JAAAAAAAYYYYY PEEEEEEEE!
They smooch and I realize that Drew has the same shirt that JP is wearing. It’s official I’m married to a hipster.
ABC continues to make up for the season of lackluster dates and takes us on a bi-plane ride. And these two love birds take flight just like their romance. Know how I know that? The music. This track is from the “Epic Love Greatest Hits (Instrumental Version)” I think it’s track 6 – “The flight to true love.”
These two paw at each other on the beach while I wonder aloud how long it will take for JP to take off his shirt. It takes WAY too long but it happens. Since the anticipation for that is over all I can do is wonder how long we’ll have to watch them open mouth kiss in the ocean.
Ashley spends the entire date trying to get JP to say ‘I love you.’ And while he refuses to say the words, the giddy, googly-eyed look on his face shows that the feeling is there.
It’s time for dinner and by dinner, I mean the 15 minutes before the fantasy suite.
JP tells Ashley he had an incredible day to which totally shocks and surprises Ashley. “What? You had fun with ME? It must have been because we’re in Fiji right?”
These two awkwardly grope while Ashley tells JP that two people have gone home this week. This makes JP beam with excitement until she burst the bubble and tells him that Ryan came back. JP is on a roll of being cute and fun and awesome until he goes and says the dreaded B word.
I think this is where things get kind of serious. This is always the part where I tune out and check twitter or get a snack. All I hear is slow, thoughtful piano music and JP saying something about making Ashley his wife. Whatevs, when are you two heading to the fantasy suite?
Let's do this.
The card finally appears and Ashley tries to be sneaky about giving it to JP. He is thrilled with all the FS implies and it’s on. “This is what the past few months have led up to…” the sexy time.
“Are you excited?” Ashley says (because she is excited about EVERYTHING). Uh duh he’s excited.
Ashley changes into a men’s button down which I think is her code for let’s do this. They start open mouth kissing and I am ready to leave now. Let’s close the doors and leave these two with their weird hand positions and slobbery kisses. (Since we all know that JP wins, do you think she is this annoying in real life with him?)
Unnecessary Rose Ceremony
I’m gonna make this part quick cause lord knows this has been a LONG post. CH and Ash sit down for their one-on-one and here’s all you need to know. Ole girl is insecure as hell so she is going to make sure the guys want to be there during the rose ceremony. Got it.
It’s raining, once again, at her rose ceremony. Do you think the constant rose ceremony rain is a sign from the gods? (or was that sentence a sign from the gods that I’ve been watching too much ‘Rome’ on Netflix?)
Both dudes accept the roses (uh duh) since it would make them look pretty lame to turn her down right after they made whoopie in the fantasy suite.
We close with the incredibly awkward final three champagne toast. Did you all get uncomfortable watching Ashley try to pay attention to both of them? If I was Ben or JP, I’d get my toast on and be out of there quick!
Yay! You still like me!
Well we made it through another week. Only one more episode left. Can you believe it? I thought we might not make it (I don’t think some of you did, the readership has declined throughout the season. I’m blaming that on Ashley and not my writing – it’s my blog. I do what I want). Men Tell All Special Sunday and then the Finale Monday!
And then it’s Bachelor Pad!
Next week it’s all kissing, mean coupon lady and long dresses. Until then… stay tuned!
Wait hold on. Why do they save all the funny/extra weird stuff for the very end. Good to know Ashley has a foot fetish but really – I wish they would show some of this funnier/sillier/slightly more normal (okay not the foot thing but the actual real conversation) stuff for the show.