And we’re back. Sorry to split this episode up but I had to take care of some business. Now I’m back to the important stuff. Like which desperate wannabe Ashley will send packing.
Rolling on a River.
Two-on-one time people. Are you ready? Two men will enter. It’s up to our girl Ash to decide how many will leave (well at least one but that’s no guarantee). Ashley has a soft spot in her heart for the two-on-one as she survived this disaster of a dating scheme last season. And by survived, I mean sent her bestie home crying. I’m looking at you Ashley S.
For this date ABC combined two classic fan favorites – the elephant/jungle date and the two-on-one. Classic. Who doesn’t love the jungle date? Isn’t it where Brad and Emily cemented (actually like rubber cemented) their love last season. Elephant riding = reality romance. (After I wrote that, I realized how dirty it sounds. Totally unintentional so I am leaving it.)
So this date is a show down between the Muppet Lookalike (Ben C.) and the Muppet Act-alike (William. I just made that work up. You like it). Does anyone else think that William has put on a few lbs. over the course of filming. Is he this season’s
kool-aid man Chantal?
So William is up front pouting and rowing while Ashley and Ben C. spend some quality time on the back of the raft. During this time, William is scheming about things he can do to make himself appear cooler (not many options there) and/or ruin Ben’s chances of getting the rose. You can almost see the Grinch-like smile spread across his face when he devises his dating website plan.
This plan comes from the same cell-phone salesman that is Mystery Man #1 on Bachelor Pad. Yup, you read that right. William will be joining the cast and bringing his tourettets-style mix of self-love and self-hate to the BP. Better start preparing yourself now.
While the two guys row, Ashley talks about how cool this is while also wondering aloud how the two guys are strong enough to row her down the river.
The ride ends and it’s awkward picnic time. Ben C. decides to leave William and Ashley alone to take a quick nap. Little does he know that will be the last nap he ever takes… on The Bachelorette.
William does one of the most annoying things I think any human can ever do. The ‘ole “I don’t want to throw [Insert Name] under the bus but [proceed to throw them immediately under the bus].” This technique also works with the phrase “No offense but…” Whatever you’re going to say after but is most certainly going to be offensive.
With the bus fast approaching, William throws Ben underneath and tells Ashley that our boy Benny is telling all the dudes how hyped up he is to troll the internet dating sites when he gets home. Um, really? Like seriously? First off, I am no big fan of Ben C’s looks (I only have eyes for JP) but come on – this guy can for sure get action by just showing up at a bar and saying he was on The Bachelorette. Wouldn’t that be a more effective use of his time rather than sitting alone at his computer weeding out the ugly’s and stalkers on Match.com?
Because this show has turned this otherwise intelligent and confident girl (I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt here) into a bumbling ball of insecurity and anxiety she takes the bait. Hook Line Sinker.
Ashley is having none of it (in between her anxiety induced panic attacks and stomach pains). She’s all like “Aw hell no” and stomps over to that blanket. She’s giving Ben the business and he just looks half asleep/half surprised. Ben is clearly caught off guard but doesn’t really seem all that disappointed. Maybe mildly bummed at best. I think he was just sad that he wasn’t going to get to travel the far east (we’re not supposed to call it that anymore are we?) anymore.
William is standing in the background quietly gloating about his evil plan – thinking that this leaves him in the clear. Little goes he know that roses can be set on fire.
Ben sails off into the jungle. He goes quietly and with dignity (sounds like the copy for a hospice ad). I’m sure he’ll be back home, macking on Bachelorette groupies in no time (take that William!).
William has no idea that giving your massively insecure date a panic attack is not the way to her heart and thinks he’s in the clear. I really dislike William and his skeezy, cocky attitude. While the two of them traipse through the jungle on their elephants, I wonder out loud what a girl has to do to get Ames on this date. (yeah, it’s come to that)
We move on to the dinner portion of the date. Ashley has borrowed a dress from a Thai prostitute which was hand sewn out of the hide of a drag-queen tiger. I mean really. This dress is horrible. Almost as horrible as William.
I am getting really tired of Williams tired doofy nice guy routine. Thankfully, it appears Ashley is as well. For once Ashley doesn’t look excited at all to be on a date. It looks like she may be asleep, I point this out to Drew and find that he has actually fallen asleep. Yup, that’s what happens when you don’t invite Ames on every date.
When does Bachelor Pad start filming?
I’ve officially decided that I dislike William more than Bentley (I didn’t think it was possible) when Ashley sends he’s 30-year-old kid ass home. She burns that rose like nobody’s business and decides to call it a night.
In a moment of classic SE, William doesn’t take his marching orders happily and cries his way into the sunset. This Columbus-bred cell-phone slanger is a self-proclaimed loser and jackass (who can disagree). It appears that our boy has a bit of a split personality. One minute he is telling the world that he hung the moon, the next moment he is telling us all that he is a giant piece of s**t (I’m agreeing with the latter). I’m hoping there is someone on the Bachelor Pad who is making sure William is taking his meds and staying in his happy place.
Ashley ruins her moment of guts and glory by sinking back into her pit of self-loathing and insecurity and we finally escape from this heart of darkness.
Well at least Ashley has one thing going for her, she finally found a cute dress (see I said dress not long blouse). To continue our pattern of tumultuous rose ceremonies,
the producers stage Mother Nature makes it rain.
A few well-timed thunder claps let us know how serious she when she asks the guys to be true to themselves (i.e.- tell her they’re not digging on her so she can send their sorry asses home).
Since Ryan knows just what a desperate, insecure girl needs to hear, he grabs her and makes sure she knows how he’s “totally into her.” Totally.
Constantine pulls Ashley aside to let her know that his shirt matches his eye shadow and to remind her that he’s not Ben F. I like Constantine. It is nice to know that at least one person on this show isn’t a robot. He may be boring but at least he isn’t a giant phony. It’s official, I am a fan of this Geico Caveman/Jason Schwartman/Josh Groban/Ben F. lookalike.
Side Note: Do you think Constantine and Ben F. look at each other and wonder how the ABC producers found their Doppelgangers?
It’s at this point that I want to fast forward through all of Ashley’s insecurity. I wish a little warning ticker would come across the bottom of the screen (like during thunderstorms) and let us know when she’s about to spout off about how no one likes her.
On to JP TIME aka SEXY TIME. I heart him. You know she just wans to jump his bones (can you blame her?). Ashley acts all goofy and weird around JP though. Look Bia, if you are thinking about Bentley while looking into JP’s dreamy eyes, you have some serious problems. If you say Bentley one more time and ruin an on-screen moment with JP, I am going to come smack you all the way back to Salt Lake City.
Ashley sits down with CH to break it down and by break it down, I mean can’t keep crazy under control. She’s been anxious thinking of Bentley non stop. It’s gotten so bad that she doesn’t even want to tell CH about it. She knows he is judging her along with the rest of the world. I wish CH would lean across the coffee table and knock her backwards in her chair. Maybe then she would realize what an idiot she is.
Chris Harrison stands up for the dudes and is like bitch, get your shit together. CH is PISSED. You can tell he is so annoyed with her. Thankfully CH is playing the role of the American Viewing Public. Way to represent . He is like “how the hell do we end this? How do we get you to stop acting crazy?” More importantly how do we get you both to never say “dot dot dot” again?
Chris tells Crazy No Pants to get her s**t straight, there is a rose ceremony to attend to.
Get it together.
Behind Chris Harrison’s back Ashley blabbers on about Bentley. At this point Drew even says “I hope I never hear her say Bentley’s name again.” We all know that is not going to happen but I appreciate the sentiment. That’s why I married him – he knows when chicks are acting all whack and crazy (and mostly because he’ll watch trashy reality tv with me. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times – it’s the little things in life).
Blake and Ben F. already have stems. One dude is packing up. Who will it be? Cue the sad “Thai” music (is there a pandora station for that?)
Side Note: Does Ames know where he is right now? More importantly, does Wall Street know where Ames is right now and what this dentist is doing to him? Who is keeping our economy afloat while Ames is looking for love? Who is babysitting the stock market? Is this why are economy is going down the tank? Get this man back on WALL STREET! Stat!
- Ames (“I have no clue who I am or wear I am. But yes, I will accept the flower from the pretty midget.”)
Last rose time. Who will it be? I’m hoping Nick but I know that won’t happen.
- Ryan harnesses the power of the Sun and snags the last rose.
Unfortunately for me Nick is sent packing. I wish he would be making an appearance on Bachelor Pad but apparently it’s not in the cards for him.
Nick says goodbye to love but hello to mindless hook ups and $2500 per appearance fees.
Now on to a subject I wish we were not discussing. The return of Bentley. They’ve been dragging this crap out since he left (2 episodes ago!!!!). I am 100% officially pissed at ABC. STOP IT!!!!!! I thought he was gonna be back this episode, you jerks are making this drag out a whole other episode. I am pissed. You’ve done it this time producers. If I have to look at this turds ugly mug after next weeks episode, I am going to …. well, I’m not going to do anything but rant about how mad I am at you on my blog. So there.
The only saving grace is that is looks like the remainder of the guys stage a revolt and make Ashley feel like poo. Serves her (and the show) right. These previews just gave me hope for some sort of entertainment next week (and at least Ames will be there).
So save that Pepto. You’ll be needing it next week now.
Until next time… stay tuned.