Hello friends. Hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend and what better way to end a three-day fun fest than with an episode of The Bachelorette. Definitely a great way to cap off a great weekend.
After the requisite montage of what has happened and what will happen, they throw it to Chris Harrison who is at the house to explain how the show works to the dudes. Um, how many seasons have there been? Like 20. If these guys have signed up for this show and don’t know how it goes down, they should leave now. And if you’re watching at home and don’t know how this show plays out, you should change the channel. I’m guessing they are just desperate for ways to make Chris Harrison work for his salary.
The first date card gets played and the one-on-one goes to our umbrella-impaired, Columbus comedian William. Sun dude is pissed (and thankfully, the producers give us a hiatus from hearing him compare the suns rays to his love for Ashley). And since we’ve all been wondering what Ashley is up to at this exact moment, we cut to her sitting oddly alone on a tree stump gazing longingly into the sun (don’t you know that can cause you to go blind!) and down at the ground. (Why ABC why? Do we really need to see these people acting reflective every episode? We know they are self-absorbed and need time with their thoughts. We get it. Enough.)
Back at the OK Corral – Ashley pulls up in The Bachelorette company car, the navy blue Bentley convertible. Cue dudes making really corny comments about how good-looking she is. Don’t know who said this, but I definitely heard someone say “She’s boiling today, she’s so hot.”
William hops in the passenger seat (ps – did you all see how close Ashley was sitting to the steering wheel? Cheerleader is SHORT) while Ashley tells him how much she loves to drive. Well Ashley, I’m pretty sure I’d love to drive too if I had a Bentley to roam around in. Oh and where do you ask is she driving this Bentley to? Just the neighborhood private airport where they’ll hop on the jet for a jaunt to Sin City.
Cut back to the mansion where all the dudes are sitting around plotting how they can kill William. (I’m not saying, I’m just saying.)
Back in Vegas, Ashley and William get recognized as they roam the hotel. William tells us all, “We’re like a celebrity couple.” Umm, what celebrity couple are you referring to? Oh yeah, the ones where the famous girl is dating some dude no one has ever heard of, like Christina Aguilera and that Jordan Bratman guy or Britney Spears and K-Fed (I’m seeing a Mickey Mouse Club trend and I like it).
So far we’re on a pretty standard Bachelor/Bachelorette-style date until s**t gets awkward. FAST. (And I’m not talking about the fact that they’ve been holding hands since the moment William got in the car.) Rather than going to see a show, or going shopping or playing poker with a famous poker player (that would be a good one, they should do that), ABC has them pretend (or is it) to plan their wedding. I can’t help but wonder why they are doing this. Is it the producers ultimate goal to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible for 120 minutes?
As I watched, I couldn’t even contain the secondary embarrassment. The one saving grace is that William realizes how awkward and weird this date is. He looks like a deer in headlights and is on board with everyone at home who are yelling “WTF” at their television, at least I think he is. More on that later.
I am torn between crawling under a blanket to wait out this awfulness and staring flabbergasted at the TV yelling “Are you serious?” I go for the later and almost explode when he hands her a potted plant to use as a bouquet (why is she wearing white? why are they doing this? make it stop!?) This cannot be a real date. Why aren’t they seeing cirque du soleil or blue man group? Or going on a gondola ride or watching fireworks or playing blackjack or DOING ANYTHING ELSE????????
Ashley finally taps the brakes on this date after William agrees to marry her. (Yeah I know, I thought he was creeped out tooT? How can this be a first date? Was the pop-up carnival not available?) She doesn’t seem completely weirded out though and goes as far to say that this is “the best first date I’ve ever been on.” I, for one, would have run away, far far away as fast as I could.
Instead, Ashley says she is falling in love. This season is starting out odd as hell. I think the producers have become so bored of safaris and helicopters that they are now like “What do you think we can legitimately get away with?” What haven’t we done? I’ve got an idea. Since none of these couples actually get married in real life (i know, i know, except Trista and Ryan) so let’s make them get married now. Maybe they won’t realize it’s real.”
Things are spiraling out of control when we are returned to our normal programming and back to regular Bachelorette-style dates. I think William is going to break the news that he’s a cell-phone sales man (He “brings communication to the people.” Swear, he said that) but instead veers off into heartbreaking family drama (Side note: do you think his watch really stopped at the time his dad passed away? If so, that brings out the paranormal enthusiast in me and I’m intrigued). The heartbreak nails it for Ashley and before you know it, the fountains are going off, they are open mouth kissing and Ashley is telling us that she is “holding onto this date and locking it up in my memory box.” I dry heave but then hear William top that comment with, “My heart is soaring higher than the fountains here.” Unfortunately, that comment is now stored in my memory box permanently.
Now it’s on to THE EVERYONE group date.
Basically every dude (except JP, tear) packs up their gear and hits the friendly skies to Vegas. We know they are having fun because they are showing this part home-video style.
They’re met in Vegas by Hoe-down Ashley. You know, she’s just a country girl hanging out in a tied-up gingham tee. A modern-day Ginger (if Ginger wore jeggings and high heels by Jessica Simpson on Gilligan’s Island). Ashley starts laughing as they pull up. Why is she laughing? She can’t hear them in the limo. This is a little crazy and helps explain the country get-up.
So at this point, you’re probably thinking you’re in the clear. I mean, what could be more awkward than forcing two people to get married on their first date? Well, those fine folks at ABC one-up themselves and decided to force a bunch of white dudes (in plaid)to come up with choreography. Why the Jabbawockeez agreed to this is beyond me.
In a serendipitous twist, Constantine (or is it Ben F.? Seriously, those guys are twins separated at birth) decides to combine both dates and create a dance that looks like a wedding ceremony. (Has your mind been officially blown? Mine has.)
The dancing is so bad that they bring in Bentley to act like a douche bag. What’s worse is that Bentley is the worst variety of douche, the kind that thinks he’s super cool but then tries to act like he doesn’t care. Ugh, those douche bags are the worst.
Yadda yadda yadda Bentley acts douchey, Stephen aka the hairstylist flips his hair and predictably is the best dancer and Ashley shakes her booty in a sports bra.
Rhythm Nation wins the dance off and the Best Men Crew head back, all bummed out, back to LA.
During this uninteresting time, my mind wanders to what would have happened if Mask Dude had been on this date? Would he have used his own mask instead of the Jabbawockeez mask? Would he have swapped back and forth. Would the ruse have been over?
The dudes practice while The Jabbawockeez cry back stage and then it’s go time. Thankfully, this portion of the date ends and it’s time for the pool party. Wait, what? There’s no pool party? What kind of Bachelorette is this?
Here’s the part where Bentley cements his status as biggest douchebag currently on television. But before we really get to the good stuff, she sits down with the dentist where they compare cavity horror stories and West.
West finally acts emotional about the death of his wife and takes his spot as this season’s Emily. (Except not as lovable. C’mon you know you all loved Emily. And you know you love her even more now that she dumped the caveman Brad).All he needs is his own little Ricky-Tick.
I’m still not so sure about West. I know people out there just love him but I’m not sold. We’ll see how this whole thing plays out.
Back to Bentley who is trying so hard to be cool and mean but doesn’t realize that we can all see him adjusting his horrible hair every 16 seconds. He and Ashley sit down for a one-on-one and I wonder aloud why he is wearing 6 layers of clothing. Is that what the hipsters in Utah are wearing these days?
Ashley acts BEYOND desperate with him. Did she totally forget about the helpful texts from our girl Michelle? (Who I wish would pop-up in a picture in picture and offer her own personal commentary.) She is coming off as totally insecure and really lame. Is ABC making her act this way in front of him? It’s inexplicable. I’m also confused as to why she is using all of Brad’s lines from last season, “I just need you to trust me.”
And MOST importantly, why isn’t this a pool party?
To add insult to injury, Ashley gives Bentley the rose on this date. WOOF.
The first hour ends and I am almost astonished at how much SE they’ve managed to cram into this show so far. This is going to be a long season.
I’ll be back later with a re-cap of the coin toss date with Mickey (damn you for stealing face time from JP) and the rose ceremony.
Until then… let me know what you all thought was Bentley’s most supremely douchey comment. Or provide your own comment to that horrible picture of the dudes on stage. I am so embarrassed I can’t even come up with one.
(Also, sorry for saying douche bag so much. I promise to incorporate tool, scum bucket, withering rot of a human and more in the next post.)