Monthly Archives: May 2011

May 31, 2011 · 11:54 am

I think I wanna marry you! – The Bachelorette Re-cap Part I

Hello friends. Hope you all enjoyed your Memorial Day weekend and what better way to end a three-day fun fest than with an episode of The Bachelorette. Definitely a great way to cap off a great weekend.

After the requisite montage of what has happened and what will happen, they throw it to Chris Harrison who is at the house to explain how the show works to the dudes. Um, how many seasons have there been? Like 20. If these guys have signed up for this show and don’t know how it goes down, they should leave now. And if you’re watching at home and don’t know how this show plays out, you should change the channel. I’m guessing they are just desperate for ways to make Chris Harrison work for his salary.

This is so fun and normal. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The first date card gets played and the one-on-one goes to our umbrella-impaired, Columbus comedian William. Sun dude is pissed (and thankfully, the producers give us a hiatus from hearing him compare the suns rays to his love for Ashley). And since we’ve all been wondering what Ashley is up to at this exact moment, we cut to her sitting oddly alone on a tree stump gazing longingly into the sun (don’t you know that can cause you to go blind!) and down at the ground. (Why ABC why? Do we really need to see these people acting reflective every episode? We know they are self-absorbed and need time with their thoughts. We get it. Enough.)

Back at the OK Corral – Ashley pulls up in The Bachelorette company car, the navy blue Bentley convertible. Cue dudes making really corny comments about how good-looking she is. Don’t know who said this, but I definitely heard someone say “She’s boiling today, she’s so hot.”

William hops in the passenger seat (ps – did you all see how close Ashley was sitting to the steering wheel? Cheerleader is SHORT) while Ashley tells him how much she loves to drive. Well Ashley, I’m pretty sure I’d love to drive too if I had a Bentley to roam around in. Oh and where do you ask is she driving this Bentley to? Just the neighborhood private airport where they’ll hop on the jet for a jaunt to Sin City.

Cut back to the mansion where all the dudes are sitting around plotting how they can kill William. (I’m not saying, I’m just saying.)

Back in Vegas, Ashley and William get recognized as they roam the hotel.  William tells us all, “We’re like a celebrity couple.” Umm, what celebrity couple are you referring to? Oh yeah, the ones where the famous girl is dating some dude no one has ever heard of, like Christina Aguilera and that Jordan Bratman guy or Britney Spears and K-Fed (I’m seeing a Mickey Mouse Club trend and I like it).

So far we’re on a pretty standard Bachelor/Bachelorette-style date until s**t gets awkward. FAST. (And I’m not talking about the fact that they’ve been holding hands since the moment William got in the car.) Rather than going to see a show, or going shopping or playing poker with a famous poker player (that would be a good one, they should do that), ABC has them pretend (or is it) to plan their wedding. I can’t help but wonder why they are doing this. Is it the producers ultimate goal to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible for 120 minutes?

As I watched, I couldn’t even contain the secondary embarrassment. The one saving grace is that William realizes how awkward and weird this date is. He looks like a deer in headlights and is on board with everyone at home who are yelling “WTF” at their television, at least I think he is. More on that later.

Is this real life? (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

I am torn between crawling under a blanket to wait out this awfulness and staring flabbergasted at the TV yelling “Are you serious?” I go for the later and almost explode when he hands her a potted plant to use as a bouquet (why is she wearing white? why are they doing this? make it stop!?)  This cannot be a real date. Why aren’t they seeing cirque du soleil or blue man group?  Or going on a gondola ride or watching fireworks or playing blackjack or DOING ANYTHING ELSE????????

Ashley finally taps the brakes on this date after William agrees to marry her. (Yeah I know, I thought he was creeped out tooT? How can this be a first date? Was the pop-up carnival not available?) She doesn’t seem completely weirded out though and goes as far to say that this is “the best first date I’ve ever been on.”  I, for one, would have run away, far far away as fast as I could.

Instead, Ashley says she is falling in love. This season is starting out odd as hell. I think the producers have become so bored of safaris and helicopters that they are now like “What do you think we can legitimately get away with?” What haven’t we done? I’ve got an idea. Since none of these couples actually get married in real life (i know, i know, except Trista and Ryan) so let’s make them get married now. Maybe they won’t realize it’s real.”

Things are spiraling out of control when we are returned to our normal programming and back to regular Bachelorette-style dates. I think William is going to break the news that he’s a cell-phone sales man (He “brings communication to the people.” Swear, he said that) but instead veers off into heartbreaking family drama (Side note: do you think his watch really stopped at the time his dad passed away? If so, that brings out the paranormal enthusiast in me and I’m intrigued). The heartbreak nails it for Ashley and before you know it, the fountains are going off, they are open mouth kissing and Ashley is telling us that she is “holding onto this date and locking it up in my memory box.” I dry heave but then hear William top that comment with, “My heart is soaring higher than the fountains here.” Unfortunately, that comment is now stored in my memory box permanently.

End Scene.

Now it’s on to THE EVERYONE group date.
Basically every dude (except JP, tear) packs up their gear and hits the friendly skies to Vegas. We know they are having fun because they are showing this part home-video style.

They’re met in Vegas by Hoe-down Ashley. You know, she’s just a country girl hanging out in a tied-up gingham tee. A modern-day Ginger (if Ginger wore jeggings and high heels by Jessica Simpson on Gilligan’s Island). Ashley starts laughing as they pull up. Why is she laughing? She can’t hear them in the limo. This is a little crazy and helps explain the country get-up.

So at this point, you’re probably thinking you’re in the clear. I mean, what could be more awkward than forcing two people to get married on their first date? Well, those fine folks at ABC one-up themselves and decided to force a bunch of white dudes (in plaid)to come up with choreography. Why the Jabbawockeez agreed to this is beyond me.

In a serendipitous twist, Constantine (or is it Ben F.? Seriously, those guys are twins separated at birth)  decides to combine both dates and create a dance that looks like a wedding ceremony. (Has your mind been officially blown? Mine has.)

There are no words. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The dancing is so bad that they bring in Bentley to act like a douche bag. What’s worse is that Bentley is the worst variety of douche, the kind that thinks he’s super cool but then tries to act like he doesn’t care. Ugh, those douche bags are the worst.

Yadda yadda yadda Bentley acts douchey, Stephen aka the hairstylist flips his hair and predictably is the best dancer and Ashley shakes her booty in a sports bra.

Rhythm Nation wins the dance off and the Best Men Crew head back, all bummed out, back to LA.

During this uninteresting time, my mind wanders to what would have happened if Mask Dude had been on this date? Would he have used his own mask instead of the Jabbawockeez mask? Would he have swapped back and forth. Would the ruse have been over?

Get it girl. Get it, get it girl. (ABC/ISAAC BREKKEN)

The dudes practice while The Jabbawockeez cry back stage and then it’s go time. Thankfully, this portion of the date ends and it’s time for the pool party. Wait, what? There’s no pool party? What kind of Bachelorette is this?

Here’s the part where Bentley cements his status as biggest douchebag currently on television. But before we really get to the good stuff, she sits down with the dentist where they compare cavity horror stories and West.

West finally acts emotional about the death of his wife and takes his spot as this season’s Emily. (Except not as lovable. C’mon you know you all loved Emily. And you know you love her even more now that she dumped the caveman Brad).All he needs is his own little Ricky-Tick.

I’m still not so sure about West. I know people out there just love him but I’m not sold. We’ll see how this whole thing plays out.

Back to Bentley who is trying so hard to be cool and mean but doesn’t realize that we can all see him adjusting his horrible hair every 16 seconds. He and Ashley sit down for a one-on-one and I wonder aloud why he is wearing 6 layers of clothing. Is that what the hipsters in Utah are wearing these days?

Ashley acts BEYOND desperate with him. Did she totally forget about the helpful texts from our girl Michelle? (Who I wish would pop-up in a picture in picture and offer her own personal commentary.) She is coming off as totally insecure and really lame. Is ABC making her act this way in front of him? It’s inexplicable. I’m also confused as to why she is using all of Brad’s lines from last season, “I just need you to trust me.”

And MOST importantly, why isn’t this a pool party?

To add insult to injury, Ashley gives Bentley the rose on this date. WOOF.

The first hour ends and I am almost astonished at how much SE they’ve managed to cram into this show so far. This is going to be a long season.

I’ll be back later with a re-cap of the coin toss date with Mickey (damn you for stealing face time from JP) and the rose ceremony.

Until then… let me know what you all thought was Bentley’s most supremely douchey comment. Or provide your own comment to that horrible picture of the dudes on stage. I am so embarrassed I can’t even come up with one.

(Also, sorry for saying douche bag so much. I promise to incorporate tool, scum bucket, withering rot of a human and more in the next post.)

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May 27, 2011 · 12:27 pm

Being ‘That Guy’ Wasn’t Cool. – Bachelorette’s Tim Talks TV Blackout

Second, I’m thinking of starting a weekly picture caption writing post. You know that 1000 words wouldn’t even begin to describe some of the screen shots from reality tv, so i’m sure you all could come up with some funny a** s**t (I’m trying to keep it mildly PG-13. I also love the asterisk symbol. Don’t hate)  I don’t have any prizes but I still think it could be fun (unless someone wants to offer some up!). Look for it next week.

Before we all head off on a three-day holiday weekend, I thought I’d share some hangover news (no, not the movie, just some stuff about drunk Tim from the Bachelorette. although I do love me some Bradley Cooper) from Entertainment Tonight. 

Entertainment Tonight

Image via Wikipedia

‘Bachelorette’ Castoff Tim Calls Drunken Blackout ‘Humiliating’ 

In this week’s season premiere of “The Bachelorette,” Ashley Hebert eliminated Tim McCormack, who ended up getting so drunk that he passed out in a chair during the show. Tim is now speaking out about the incident, for which he is making no excuses.

Tim — a 35-year-old liquor distributor from Long Beach, NY — says he feels like hischances for success on “The Bachelorette” were doomed from the moment he walked out of the limousine that first night because the alcohol just got the best of him. 

Speaking to reporters on a conference call, Tim said he can’t explain why the alcohol affected him so heavily, but he said his behavior was “extremely humiliating” and difficult to watch. “I literally had to turn it off, it was nauseating,” he said. But Tim was quick to add: “I don’t have any excuses.”

During the show, Ashley seemed sympathetic and felt Tim was wasting an opportunity, but she found his behavior unacceptable and eventually recruited several of the men to help the inebriated contestant get to the car and sent him home. Tim said if he could send a message to Ashley now, he would offer an apology and express regret that she didn’t get to know him in better circumstances.

Damn you ABC and your endless champagne. (ABC)

Tim said it was a disappointing early departure from the show, which he believed might have changed his love life. “Of course I went on ‘The Bachelorette’ to find love.” 

In the second episode of “The Bachelorette,” airing Monday, May 30 on ABC, Ashley will attempt to find romance in sizzling Las Vegas. But back at the mansion, the men will quickly learn that roses will be at stake on the one group date as well as two individual dates with Ashley. On next’s week show, the current field of 18 bachelors will be narrowed to 15. 

The part that really sucks for Tim is that he was “that guy” on national television. I’ve definitely had my over-served moments and I am eternally thankful that they are not saved for posterity by the American Broadcasting Company (never say never though). I’ve heard from RealitySteve.com (and by I’ve heard, I mean, I’ve read) that the first cocktail party takes hours and doesn’t end until almost sunrise sometimes. So I’m sure ‘ole Timmy had been boozing for a while and just got that deadly combo of being a little too tipsy and a little too tired.

Either way, it is embarrassing as hell to have to be escorted out into a mini-van. Lesson learned Tim. Better bring your A-game to Bachelor Pad.

Enjoy your holiday weekend and don’t forget to remember the reason we have this three-day weekend – the service men and women who have served our great country.

Until then… stay tuned!

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May 25, 2011 · 4:54 pm

Let’s Get Over Served. The Bachelorette Premier Recap Part II

So when we left off, Ashley had just wrapped up her fireside chat with Chris Harrison and was about to head outside to greet her suitors. I generally find the first introductions to be the longest stretch of awkwardness on broadcast television, 20 minutes filled with hair-raising meet cutes (you’ve seen The Holiday, you know what I’m talking about). Except these ones aren’t cute their more like meet weirds.

So let the meet weirds begin!

Limo Numero Uno

No No No. (ABC/Rick Rowell)

1. Ryan P: The sun dude. Ashley has yet to see his intro video so she digs this guy (What tipped me off you ask? It was hard to tell until she kept repeating “You’re so cute” over and over again) I don’t blame her, he is cute and comes off like a normal human.
2. Jon: I notice he’s wearing a weird tie and I’m about to make fun of it when he picks her up and throws her over his shoulder. No. Don’t do that. Any girl can tell you that when you’re wearing a fancy dress, your hair is fixed perfectly and your makeup is on point, you DO NOT want a dude picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder like a bag of dog food. Despite this, Ashley pretends to be amused. She really is too much joy.
3. Lucas: Works in Oil Industry aka Rich Dude from Texas. Ashley comments that he “smells good.” I bet he smells like money and fancy cologne. Or is money what fancy cologne actually smells like?
4. William: Our umbrella impaired friend from Columbus.
5. Mickey: At first I dig that he is being different in an non-creepy, semi-normal way by wearing a tan suit. Then he goes in for a kiss and Ashley, for once, does not hide her distaste for this. Thank you for proving that you are not a cheerleader robot. As he walks away, I notice he pants are a little too short.

Limo Numero Dos

6. Tim:It’s pretty clear he works for a liquor distributor (do what you love. no judging) since he’s tipsy when he gets out of the limo. Then, it what is the most cringe-worthy moment so far, he doesn’t speak. It looks like Ashley feels as uncomfortable as I do watching it from home. Please – MAKE. IT. STOP.
I’m about to curl up in a ball and wish for it to end when he walks away… woo.
7. Ben C.:Ben drops a little french on semi-Canadian Ashley and she likes it. As a student of the language of love myself, I dig it (even though it comes off a little embarrassing on tv) and Ben is a solid lock on 2nd place in my book.
8. Stephen: In another “act out your job” skit, Stephen flips his hair around 16 times while he awkwardly walks up to Ashley where he announces he’s a hair stylist (in case you couldn’t already tell). Then he comments on her hair color and I recoil inside myself. I think it’s over as he turns to leave but then I realize he is the worst walker ever (how can you be bad at that? You’ve been doing it since you were like 1 years old). At least he can walk and hair flip at the same time.
9. Chris D.: The resident young guy decides to rap to show how hip and cool he is. It doesn’t work (shocking right?)

This limo round was pretty rough. Keeping my fingers crossed for…

So what's with the mask? (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Limo Numero Tres

10. West: I’m still not sold on this guy although I’m hearing he’s a fan favorite. I liked the compass gift though, clever and cute. Moving on to…
11. Anthony: So I kind of liked Anthony at first, then he got out of the limo and decided to act like a douchebag. Was he checking himself in the limo window? A
12. Rob: I don’t remember much about this guy other than that he had good teeth. Boring.
13. Ames: Little blazer. Big Ames. He must have got that while pursuing his first of a thousand degrees.
14. Matt. Office supply salesman (Dunder Mifflin employee?). He decides he and Ashley need to be in a secret club with a secret handshake. Woof.
15. MASK DUDE aka JEFF: Is Jeff this season’s Madison? His get-up would have been better with some vampire teeth.

Commercial Break and we’re back for LIMO NUMERO QUATRO

16. Ben: Ben brings his own vino. Other than wishing that he would cut his hair, I’m cool with Ben right now. Mostly cause he’s in a suit and not dressed like a pre-teen.
17. Frank: I’m usually a fan of a good wink. But this one seems forced and then, HE PICKS HER UP. We’ve already discussed why this is bad. “I’m surprised you can carry me!” Seriously Ashley, You weigh 82 lbs. A sturdy 6-year-old could pick you up.
18. Micheal: Their convo about “gassing” sounds odd/strangely sexual. I
19. Chris: He’s Canadian. Enough said.
20. Ryan: Ryan can’t wait to snap some pics to post on Facebook. “Let’s smush our faces together!” Let’s not.
21. JP: If there could be a perfect intro on this show, Ryan just nailed it. The hottie hipster is my favorite. Done and done.
22. Nick: I’d bet money this dude plays or has played water polo. Just look at that hair.
23. Blake: Cute and Quiet. I can work with that.
24. Bentley. Dun Dun Dun. We all know how this is going to play out. Hopefully Ashley won’t let this go on too long.
25. Constantine. He looks exactly like Jason Schwartman. He has long hair. (Why are there so many long-haired dudes on this season?)

Wow, that was a lot of dudes. Chris Harrison is back to remind Ashley that tonight is going to be the night of her life.

Ashley is so excited that she is starting to remind me of Jessie Spano in that classic episode of Saved by the Bell.

Now, most of the time the cocktail party is my favorite. But I wasn’t too impressed. There was a lot of sameness.

Dudes saying the same thing about how pretty Ashley looked. Ashley saying how awesome everyone is.
Luckily, off camera I can hear a guy saying that it will take “guts & nuts” to win Ashley’s heart. Best line of the season so far.

Solar panel dude talks about the sun. Wine dude talks about pinot. Momma’s boy talking about his mom (who calls their mom? Although Gail sounded kind of fun and she clearly loves to party). Ashley being insecure. This episode is dragging… UNTIL Tim goes and gets wasted.

All Aboard! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

Without Tim we would have gone this entire episode without a dude fight and some drunk talk. It was so incredibly embarrassing when, after picking a fight, he couldn’t string together two words to say to Ashley. I loved that the escorted him to a mini-van. You know they didn’t want any upchuck in the limos.

Ben speaks french. JP acts dreamy. Nothing too exciting so my mind wanders to considering what is behind the mask. A wonky eye? A hairy mole? A face tat?

I’m brought back to reality when Chris Harrison jumps out from behind a door and drops the first impression rose bait and then the dudes start clamoring for Ashley’s attention even harder. She pins up solar panel Ryan.

We did it! (ABC/Rick Rowell)

The rest of the roses go to:

  • Mask Dude
  • Jason Schwartzman aka Constantine
  • Wine dude Ben
  • Lucas (where did this dude come from?)
  • Matt
  • Water Polo Nick
  • Chris D.
  • Ryan M.
  • Blake
  • Mickey
  • French Ben C.
  • West (not East)
  • William
  • JP (YES!!!!)
  • Ames (She’s digging the degrees)
  • Bentley (Way to drag out the drama ABC)

The rest of the rag-tag team of boy band rejects say bye bye bye and we’re done.

That is until the rejects can act as over dramatic as a 14 year-old girl and talk about how Ashley was the love of their life and they wanted to tell their grandkids about their TV romance. One dude even cries. Really?

I’m glad we’re through the first episode. I need some totally unrealistic dates ASAP.

Until then… stay tuned!

p.s. – Who’s your favorite? Who’s your least favorite?

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May 24, 2011 · 10:32 am

“It’s gonna take guts & nuts.” – It’s Baaaack! The Bachelorette Premier Recap Part I

It’s back. The montages, the awkwardness, the amazing, never gonna happen in your lifetime dates (well at least my lifetime, I’m holding out hope that some readers out there are riding elephants on safari, flying everywhere by helicopter and zip-lining their way to love), bottomless glasses of champagne and more montages. I couldn’t be happier.

The blog lacked a little focus without this reliable favorite from the fine folks at ABC.  So without further ado, let’s jump into this hot tub of a recap. (Note: I may end up having to break this recap into two posts… this thing could be a doozy.)

Predictably we start with a montage. By the end of the season, I’m usually about done with all the 5-minute montages but I welcome this one with open arms. We see the whole Ashley/Brad story – blah blah blah. Then it’s on to the new & improved Ashley montage.

Ashley. She’s a dentist. She’s a dancer. She lives in Philly.

If I had the chance, I'd ask the world to dance and not be dancing by myself. (ABC)

Also, we find out that Ashley has not been emotionally eating since her “break up” (her words, not mine) with Brad. Her body is still smoking even if she is rocking the sad brunette ‘do. Point Ashley. I love the dancing parts of the montage, especially the one where she does an interpretative dance in an empty auditorium. Could this be more poignant? I’m almost swept away in the dancing when they cut back to the uber-cheesy shots of Ashley running around town like a chicken with her head cut off. Jazz Hands! Jumping! Running straight into the camera! Oh, look I’m Rocky!

This is all voiced-over with her saying she “can’t wait to find love” and that she will “be leaving with a husband.” Since she seems like a nice (and ridiculously peppy) girl, I hope it works out for her. But let’s just say the odds are not in her favor.

Now it’s on to the dudes. I’m setting the over/under at the amount of douchey tools at 13. (We already know we have two with mask dude and drunk dude – damn you ABC and your previews.)

Chris Harrison hops on-screen as he tries to soak up as much face time as he can before he becomes practically irrelevant on the show. He blabbers on with some hyperbole about these being the most amazing bachelors ever in the whole wide world so I’m like enough already, let’s meet ‘em.

Contestant #1  - Ryan, 31, who “genuinely wants better for the world.” First off, who says that. Second, other than Kim Jong-Il, Dr. Evil and Voldemort (Yes! Snuck in a Harry Potter reference) doesn’t everyone want better for the world? Anyways, Ryan is saving the world one solar panel at a time and he will tell you about every last one of those panels. He will also prove how interested he is in finding true love by holding his hands up in the shape of a heart in front of the sun while saying “The only thing stronger than the sun is love.” No, really. He did that.

Contestant #2 – J.P., 34, construction manager and resident hottie hipster. At first I’m a little hesitant of his hipster ways but he wins me over with his good looks and smile. I’m thinking I may have a favorite here.

Contestant #3 – Ames, 34, resident smarty pants. He went to Yale, he went to Harvard and in between he went to every other Ivy League school and got way more degrees than you. He’s smart. Get it?

Contestant #4 – Ben, 28, lawyer from New Orleans. This is the guy that went to Tulane with my bestie’s sister. He seems nice enough and I love the fact that he’s from New Orleans, so I’m gonna give him a pass for now.

I like my women the way I like my wine. Full bodied. (ABC)

Contestant #5 - Benjamin, 28, wine maker. Benji (yup, that’s his new nickname) has his pros and cons. Pros – he owns a winery. Cons – he dresses like a 13 year-old boy and has the hair cut and awkward walk to match. Of course, he throws in a some wine-related sexual innuendo for good measure.

Contestant #6 – Bentley, 28, businessman. What does that mean? You can’t be anymore specific than businessman? There’s your first red flag. The second red flag comes when we find out his daughter’s name is Cozy. Really? That is not a name. I’m sure she is a precious little girl, but that name is (in the words of the great Charles Barkley) tuurrible. That’s like naming your kid warm or comfortable. Even if I hadn’t seen all the foreboding previews I would know this dude’s a tool.

Contestant #7 – Anthony, 28, Goodfellas extra butcher. This guy couldn’t be more perfect for the next mob movie. At first I like him since he seems semi-normal but then he just seems a little off. There is something a bit awkward about him but he’s pretty cute in that old-fashioned Italian way, so I’m letting the weird-vibe go for now.

But what if she don't eat meat? (ABC)

Contestant #8 – West, 30, lawyer. Here’s the part all the West defenders who have commented on the blog have been waiting for (actually, they probably haven’t been waiting for it. But I’m just going to pretend they have to make myself feel better). West seems…. boring. He also doesn’t come across as all that sympathetic. He doesn’t seem too sad or eaten up about the loss of his wife. I’m not going to compare it to good ‘ole Emily Maynard who choked up every time Ricky was mentioned but a little more emotion would have been nice. Moving on.

Contestant #9 – William, 30, cellular phone salesman. One thing we learn during William’s montage, that he has no clue how to use an umbrella. Lots of introspective shots of him around Columbus, most of which make him seem a little goofy, which at this point, I won’t hate it. It’s somewhat endearing (mostly cause I’ve already seen the end of the show where he does the funny impressions, why don’t they show that kind of s**t during the show. I loved it!).

Chris is back and seems to forget Ashley’s name for a second before introducing her. But then she hops out of the limo, does a backflip, spins around three times and jumps into a herkie and lands next to Chris Harrison. Okay that didn’t happen, but it would have been a lot cooler if it had. I’m a little disappointed with her dress selection. It’s pretty, for sure, but very sparkly  and just seems too pageant-girl for her.

Is it too late to quit? (ABC/Rick Rowell)

She sits down by the fire with Chris (who is still trying to make the most out of his camera-time) and instantly wins favor with me when she acknowledges how whiny and insecure she seemed last season. Agreed Ashley. You got to be a little much down the stretch. I’m hoping you can keep that in check this season. Fingers crossed.

Before I am totally on her side though, she throws up some jazz hands and says the word “awesome” at least 10 times. I thought the jazz hands had slowed down until I realized they were lurking right beneath the camera. If you watched closely, they popped up every minute or so.

Ashley (and by Ashley, I mean Michelle via Ashley) decides to bring the drama early this season. She says she got a call from a friend (duh it’s our favorite crazy from Salt Lake City, Michelle Money!) saying that Bentley doesn’t have good intentions and is there for fame and not love (well isn’t that all what you’re really there for anyways?).  Despite this, Ashley promises to give him a fair shot. As she continues clapping rhythmically I almost fall into a trance but then Chris Harrison shakes me out of it and I realize we still have one more hour to go!

I’ll be back later with the party re-cap. Who is your favorite so far? More importantly, who is your least favorite? Actually, I take that back. Most importantly, what do you think of the name Cozy?

Until part two… stay tuned!

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May 23, 2011 · 9:49 am

Good News from Ashley H. on LIVE! with Regis & Kelly

It’s here. Premier day. I won’t be doing much posting today, I’m resting up my typing fingers for tomorrow’s big post.

BUT, I am watching little miss Ashley on Regis & Kelly and Good News! She has ditched the dark brown ‘do and is a blonde again. Woo Hoo!

Two other fun notes from the interview:

1. Ashley jokes that the twist this season is “No Hot Tubs.” Could this be true? If so, I think that is a step in the right sanitary direction for the show. Although I don’t want ABC to even consider this for Bachelor Pad. Seriously ABC, I’m looking at you. Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.

2. Regis & Kelly give Ashley a Bachelorette survival kit which amusingly contains hand sanitizer, gloves, cleaning products, saran wrap and other tools to keep any Bachelor-carried germs at bay.

As soon as video of her appearance is up, I’ll post it here.

UPDATE: As promised – here’s the video!

Until then… stay tuned!

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May 22, 2011 · 6:15 pm

we made it… only one more day ’til The Bachelorette

Thank god we made it through the rapture  through the hiatus between The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. Now all we have to do is struggle through a few weeks of serious secondary embarrassment before the ultimate in reality tv awesomeness – Bachelor Pad.

So are you excited for this season? To be perfectly honest, I am not thrilled with the selection of Ashley H. as The Bachelorette. I’m hoping she proves me wrong (and/or provides tons of content for the blog). But honestly, my picks for the bachelorette would have gone 1. Michelle (so crazy, so awesome) 2. Chantal (rich, daddy’s girl, emotional eater) 3. Ashley (semi-canadian, jazz hands, peppy mcpepperson).  Or consider the other options, what is it had been Britt? Or better yet, what if they did some reality tv crossovers and had Sonia from Real Housewives of New York or Kim from Real Housewives of Atlanta. I think we’re on to something here.

Either way, I am hype that this treasure trove of SE is back. To get things started, check out this pic of cute, lil Ashley. What have they done to her?

Why Ashley? Why? (Photo ABC.com)

Okay first, the hair. I’m still wondering why she went dark. I may have given her a hard time last season about her semi-crazy tendencies and her jazz hands but Ashley H. is a cute girl and I thought the blondish hair suited her MUCH better. The dark hair, plus the bangs, plus the 1998 wet seal outfit just makes her look not cute. This whole get-up doesn’t seem to suit her. She rocked some pretty awesome outfits during The Bachelor (I loved her carnival date dress!). Now ABC has her dressed up like a Charlotte Russe sales girl. Me no likey.

Because I’m trying to be positive about this season. I am choosing to focus on this Ashley in anticipation of tomorrow’s premier.

Did you know this dress costs $995? I see you Ashley H. (Photo credit - Rick Rowell/ABC)

hubba hubba (SI.com)

Bring back blond Ashley.

The Bachelorette premier. Tomorrow. 9 pm. Be there or be square.

Until then… stay tuned.

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May 19, 2011 · 12:52 pm

the new jersey re-cap (you know you want it.)

Hey friends, so while I’ve been focused on the upcoming rapture and weird You Tube videos, many of you (and by many, i mean like 6 people. Okay even that’s an exaggeration, maybe 3) have  been asking for a Real Housewives of New Jersey re-cap. 

Unfortunately for us all, I still haven’t had time to sit down with some popcorn, cue up the DVR and settle in for a nice evening filled with the adult version of The Jersey Shore. But I care about the readers so I begged my friend Jodie (you may remember her from her previous guest post on Brittany from The Bachelor, check it out here)  to help us out with her own recap. 

I promise to get back on the Real Housewives bandwagon and get some posts going. I must say, I am partial to the ladies from New York (guess it’s all that big city livin’) so I will try to catch a marathon this weekend and get to posting. 

Until then, we have the fabulous Jodie to thank for the scoop on the first trip back to the Mansions of Jersey. Enjoy! 

They're Back! (BravoTV/BuddyTV)

Finally, it’s back. The real housewives to end all real housewives. That’s right-Real Housewives of New Jersey (RHONJ) is back and it definitely DID NOT disappoint! This season, we have two newcomers. They are not just any Jersey women, who wear inappropriate outfits to christenings and break out into fights daily–they are actually Theresa’s relatives. And they know what’s up. No shrinking violets here. These girls are here and ready to flip some tables. The newcomers are Melissa, Theresa’s sister-in-law and Kathy, Theresa’s cousin. And boy, do they both hate Theresa.

The new season started out with a bang—with what else—an actual brawl at Theresa’s nephew’s christening (why not? That doesn’t happen in your family?!). Those clever producers over at bravo really showed their skills by showing part of the brawl, then flashing back to a week early so we could get the back story…before then ultimately ended up back at the brawl (that’s tv-making MAGIC there).
Before we get to the SE that erupted in the Catholic ceremony that episode, I want to touch on Jacqueline’s daughter Ashley and how much SE I have every time she is on that show. The girl legit can’t grow up and will never realize the world doesn’t revolve around her. AND, in my pal Danielle’s (the writer of this blog, not the crazy, botox-faced Danielle from RHONJ) famous words she also doesn’t understand that …crying doesn’t solve anything.

This episode Ashley’s mom visits her at work at a PR firm in New York City (how did she get this job? C’mon really?). She meets her boss, who expresses to Jacqueline that Ashley is great, but she should get to work on time, and she needs to come every day. A commute is not an excuse to skip work. Seriously?! Jacqueline kindly scolded her daughter in front of her boss—by telling her she needs to work on getting in everyday (which honestly, when the boss brought the subject up to her mom—I think that’s what she was wanting right??). Then Ashley says she wants her parents to pay for her to have a place in the city so she doesn’t have to commute anymore. She is smoking something if that’s what she thinks the real world is about. Ashley leaves the room crying. Her boss comes in to hold her while she cries, and then she makes her mom leave the room. SERIOUSLY. Because you mom won’t pay for you to live it up in New York City. She’s trying to make you a grown up. You should probably work on it.
Next…stuff with Caroline’s boys moving out. It’s about time, but seriously, I borderline love this family, so I am not going to knock them.

It's like an old(er) lady prom.

Ok. Onto the family drama. So apparently Theresa’s brother (Joey) married Melissa. The back story is, they got along at first, but now hate each other. Theresa feels after Melissa married her brother, she stopped trying to be friends and was very cold to Theresa. Melissa claims Theresa didn’t share anything in her life with them—good or bad, the past few years (I am assuming the show being one of these things?? Whether that was good or bad is up in the air. And the bankruptcy being the other? Honestly, who knows ?).

Kathy is married to the weirdest man in the world and appears to be team Melissa. Now, as much as I hate to admit it, I feel like I am team Theresa on this one. Theresa takes the higher (I said higher, not high) road when it comes to the family drama. In all the narrations she said some shit about Melissa, but seems to be more careful of what she says. On the other side, Melissa rants on and on about how Theresa’s husband turned their father against Joey and how her parties are better than Theresa’s. Really? First of all, when it comes to the daddy issues-they are all grown men. These aren’t teenage girls that spread rumors to get someone to dump you. It all seems mildly childish. And really, if Joey wants a good relationship with his dad-go get one. I really can’t believe Theresa or her husband are the sole people preventing that. Also—if you get a chance read their Bravo blogs (Theresa’s is here and Melissa’s is here)—they are highly entertaining. Melissa obviously still is trying to be super negative and talk as much shit about Theresa as possible. Theresa, didn’t really mention it at all. To me, that’s her trying to take a positive step forward.

fugeddaboutit (sorry had to do that)

Anyway we move onto the ceremony. Melissa is wearing a dress I would have worn to Avio (editor’s note – Avio was a super awesome all-you-can drink for $10 bar that we frequented on almost every college night)on an extra special night back in 2006—so naturally that is the appropriate choice for her son’s baptism. Theresa came late to the christening because her husband had the runs (true story) and didn’t go to the ceremony. All in all though, she seemed to be involved and generally happy. She congratulated the couple twice. But the second time was too much—her brother was drunk, was upset that she said congrats at the reception and called her garbage. Then Theresa’s husband said something to her brother after she left, and Joey went freaking nuts. Watching these two fight WAS HILARIOUS, because they both have MAJOR Napoleon complexes. They are both probably 5’2” and about that wide around. Nuggets if I’d ever seen one. If either of them got into a fight with a guy of normal stature, they’d be out for the count. This fight was actually made for them! In the end, it was super embarrassing and more chaotic than the fight between Theresa, Ashley, Jacqueline and Danielle Staub from last season (can you believe it?!). I mean for goodness sake, this was a baptism. I mean, I’m Italian, but I’m glad the Cagnetti’s have never gone that far off the deep end. Also, how sad was their dad? He was like about to die after the fight!

(Bravotv.com)

The scenes for the upcoming season look as juicy as ever. It appears the whole cast (including feuding families) go on a Caribbean trip of some sort. And guess what….they get into some huge fights! CAN’T WAIT. Until next week…I suppose I’ll have to fill up the time with RHONY and RHOOC, and of course, my fave, watch what happens live! With Andy Cohen (isn’t he THE BEST?).

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May 18, 2011 · 9:44 am

drunk monkeys in the highlands

So things have gotten pretty heavy over here the last few days – talking about the Rapture, reality TV dudes being accused of murder in tabloids, Rebecca Black covers – so I thought we may want to lighten up the mood a little. And what’s better to lighten up a dark, dreary, rainy day (that’s just here in Seattle Louisville – hopefully it’s b-e-a-utiful where you are) than a song/commercial about drunken monkeys? Not many things, but one thing that may be able to top it is a rap song about snacks performed by kids under 12.

Ahh, the internet. Always there to provide oddly awesome diversions.

To watch is to love these videos.

Please note that this is one in a series. I encourage you to head on over to You Tube and check out the rest of these Monkey Wrench (a local bar here in the 502) spots. You won’t be disappointed (or maybe you will be, it all depends on how creepy you find the dudes in monkey costumes).

Now on to the kids on a sugar-high rapping about snacks. I know for a fact this video makes Erin over at Defending Vegetables  cringe and wish for a better world. I could share the sentiment or just enjoy the fact that these kids are being productive during their after-school time. It also appears that they all keep up with their oral hygiene which is a plus when you are snacking on honey buns, doritos and oreos on the regular.

Don’t act like you didn’t love both of those (okay, the snack video is about 30 seconds too long, but let’s not nit pick).

Until next time…. Stay Tuned.

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May 17, 2011 · 2:51 pm

the end of days.

Some of you may have read the title of this post and wondered aloud, “Are they canceling ‘Days of Our Lives?’” Fear not my soap loving friends, Days is still on the air (for now… they are canceling those shows left and right these days).

I am actually talking about the actual end of days. Before you get the hell (no pun intended) off this site, hold on. I’m not getting all philosophical and waxing poetic on the end of the world. BUT I am sharing a pretty ridiculous link to a website with an end of days money-making scheme.

DISCLAIMER: This post is intended to be humorous. I am not trying to make light of anyone’s deeply held beliefs. If you are easily offended (which if you are, you should probably never visit this blog), stop reading now. 

Today a random mass email circulated around our office and the conversation took an end of the world turn (which is odd, because that happens with some regularity. I’m not suggesting anything, I’m just saying). We are working on a proposal for a pet-themed company and while doing research, one of my colleagues stumbled upon this site  http://eternal-earthbound-pets.com/

Here is a little snippet from their home page:

You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved.  But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind?   Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind. 

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward.  Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

Ruh-roh.
At first I thought this couldn’t be for real. Do people really do this? I’m guessing yes since they’ve raised their rates in light of the predictions of the upcoming rapture on May 21, 2011 (p.s. – that means we only have 4 days). I also noticed that you can pay for your pet’s care with Paypal. Looks like this guy might be on his own if the rapture is imminent.

The Bud Man

No, but really, these people are for reals. There’s even a FAQ for all of you doubters (aka me). I’ve added my expert (I just wanted to say that, mostly because I’m not an expert at anything) opinion.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A:  No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs. 

Wait, really? This isn’t a joke. I’m confused. 

Q: Do YOU believe in the Rapture.
A: As atheists we do not hold beliefs in the supernatural or a divine being.  Thus, we do not believe in the Rapture.  However, we respect the beliefs of others and are open to the possibility that our perspective could possibly be wrong.  

But if you don’t believe in the Rapture, why are you building an entire business off of it? Also, is this just an elaborate scheme where I give you permission to loot my home? AND what if I think i’m saved and i’m not. Also, aren’t you worried about what will happen to you if you’re not saved. WOAH, this is getting deep. Next question. 


Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do.  Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

Good to know.I’m glad that blasphemous people will be taking care of my pet. 


Q: Can I be sure my name and information won’t be misused or circulated?
A: We hold all information in complete confidence.  Your name, street address, and email info are held only in the EE-BP data base.  They are not provided to the respective rescue representative unless and until the Rapture actually occurs.   Only the state, town , species, breed, sex  and number of pets are known in advance to the rescue representatives for advanced logistical planning purposes.   

Um… this seems a little fishy. Do you have a key to my house? Am I paying you to rob me?

Q: How can we trust that you’ll honor your service agreement, afterall, you ARE atheists.
A: Being an atheist does not mean we lack morals or ethics. It just means we don’t believe in God or gods. All of our representatives are normal folks who love and live for their family, are gainfully employed, and have friends of varying beliefs.  Some of us are married to believers. Many of us volunteer our time at food banks, animal shelters, meals on wheels organizations, etc.   We fully endorse the “Rule of Reciprocity”, also known as “The Golden Rule.” We just happen not to believe in God(s).  Belief in God does not ensure righteousness, nor does non-belief imply immorality. Jesus understood this. Please reference Luke 10, re “The Good Samaritan.”

Well if Jesus says so, then I guess it’s okay. I’ll be watching you though.

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance.  Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service.  Pets’ lives are at stake.  We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times.  Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.  

I’m no Biblical scholar but in the good book the Rapture seems like kind of a big deal. What makes you all think you will just be able to hop on a plane afterwards. Have you all thought this whole thing out?

Q: What if one of my family members are left behind. Will you still take posession [SIC] of my pet?
A: That depends. When the rescuer arrives, if your loved one wants to retain possession of the pet, the pet stays in the home.   We expect in these circumstances that the pet will offer the family member some comfort and stability given the trauma of what has occurred.  If the family member prefers, we will adopt the pet per our contract.    

That could be an awkward encounter. (Also, you all may want to run a spell check on your site.) 

All in all, this site pretty much gives me the willies. Also, I’m not sure that building a business out of the end of days is such a good idea but who am I to judge.

Until then (aka the end of days)… stay tuned.

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May 13, 2011 · 9:34 am

It’s Friday… the 13th.

Because I love Fridays and I love Glee, what better way to celebrate Friday the 13th than a Glee performance of this instant classic by one of SE’s favorite artists, Rebecca Black. Just when you thought a song couldn’t get any better, those crazy kids at Glee go and surprise you.

p.s – i’m sure this video will probably be taken down by Fox within a few hours so hopefully by then I’ll be able to link to the official version on their website. (What’s the deal FOX – why can’t a girl get performance clips from Glee the same week they air?)

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