Here we are. The Bachelor Season Finale. We’ve made it through a season of crying, fighting, on-screen open mouth kissing, more crying, NASCAR racing, cotton candy eating and countless helicopter rides. And it’s all come down to Chantal (boooo!) and Emily (yay!).

Let’s do this.

Meet the Womacks: Predictably we open with a montage where we get to see Brad’s love (and Chantal’s bust size) grow.  Brad’s “incredible” (seriously, he says incredible more than any human I know. He says incredible more than I say seriously and I thought that was impossible) journey on his quest to find love (again).

The montages end and I have only one response: Chantal – thumbs down. Emily – thumbs up.

Cue the Chris Harrison superlative line “Coming up on the most unforgettable season finale ever.” Really Chris, unforgettable. I mean I probably won’t forget it. But that’s because I am a deranged reality TV fan. Most people will forget about this season and move on in about two US Weekly cover stories.  I had forgotten about that Molly/Jason thing until the brought them back on the “After the Final Rose” special.

After an endless onslaught of montages, we finally get to (re)meet the Womacks. Of course, Mama Womack is sporting cheetah which bodes well for Chantal. We also learn that one of Brad’s brothers is a member of Rascal Flatts. And finally, we learn that loving plaid is a Womack family trait (he comes by it naturally). After some awkward man crying and stuttering (that seemed almost unending), Chantal thankfully busts through the door like the Kool-Aid man. (Wait, what? That didn’t happen?)

"It's on backwards? Really?" (ABC)

Chantal shows up with her shirt on backwards, ready to kick-it with the Womack clan. And by kick-it, I mean awkwardly tell them how much she loves Brad as many times as she can in one 15 minute period. As Chantal blabbers on to every family member about how in-love she is, I notice that Brad’s twin is cuter and WAY less awkward than Brad. No wonder he’s already married. Mama Womack (or Pamela if you prefer) comes strong with her questions especially when she asks the question everyone at home has been yelling at their TV (just me, really?) all season, “I have to ask, how could you fall in love so fast?” Chantal blubbers through some response and shortly thereafter she is shoved out the door.

So Chad (the good twin) picks up on the crazy vibe Chantal is putting out and let’s his bro know about. I’m glad that the Womack clan is picking up on her inability to keep crazy under control. He tells Brad that her actions “really scream her feelings for Brad.” Which really means, “Dude, this chick is desperate. Run far, far away. Now.”  The Wo’s (I’ve decided i’m calling them that) break it down that Chantal is a little TOO into Brad and he may want to keep his options open. Luckily, Emily is on the way and we all know the Wo’s will love her.

Door bell rings and it’s Emily! Yay! Emily comes in and sprinkles rainbows and happiness on The Wo’s and they are smitten. Within minutes she has the good twin, the Rascal Flatts dude, Prima, the other wife and Mama Wo singing her praises.

She drops the daughter bomb on them and they get a little nervous but then she tells them to sit down for story time where they hear the story of her lost love and their love child, Ricky Tick. They are sold and love her even more. Prima and the other sister want to marry her themselves. Got ‘em.

After Emily dances off into a cloud of unicorns and happiness (after peppering every comment with a sweet southern ya’ll) the family tells Brad if he doesn’t pick her he is no longer a member of The Wo clan. No ifs, ands or butts about it. Brad assures them that Emily is his favorite with the slightly inappropriate line, “I get the warmest feeling that I can’t describe.” I pray out loud that Brad does not go into detail describing that feeling and we head to commercial.

The Final Dates: Chantal characteristically shows up in some booty shorts ready to get her date on. She goes for the run and jump into his arms and I’m thankful that Brad does so much weightlifting ’cause if not, he might be on the ground right now.

Brad asks Chantal to face one of her biggest fears with this last date, stepping away from the buffet, swimming with sharks. As they suit up, I am pretty sure Brad just picked this date for Chantal in the hopes that the girls would pop out of that wet suit. (Seriously, those things are MASSIVE.) Brad says that this is the “perfect” last date for them. I’m guessing because if she gets accidentally eaten by a shark, then it’s no biggie.

Zip those puppies up. (ABC)

The date takes a noticeably awkward turn when Brad and Chantal are forced to actually talk to one another. Brad is clearly uncomfortable and you can clearly tell that he will not be picking her.  Eventually, they head back to the resort where Chantal, in a clear act of desperation (Do not say it was cute. really, don’t), gives him the note and map (of all the countries she’s mealed in) she’s been working on. One good thing we learn though, is that Brad can read.

After a few more awkward “I love you. I pick you. Don’t leave me. You BETTER pick me.” outbursts, Brad leaves. Phew. That was rough.

On to the precious Ms. Emily. She looks like a doll and they head off on their romantic date which surprisingly (!!!) consists of a helicopter ride to a secluded picnic date. Two things. 1. Does ABC own its own helicopter? This is getting a little ridiculous. 2. Haven’t we seen these two on enough picnic dates?

They arrive at their picnic spot (and by picnic spot, I mean one of the more beautiful places on this planet) and Emily contemplates pushing Brad off the cliff but decides that might be in poor taste. So instead, she sits down for an afternoon of wine, cheese and Brad. He confesses that his family loved her. Well, duh. Who doesn’t love Emily? She is definitely NOT surprised (She’s knows Chantal really presents no competition).

Things get sticky  when they head back to the room (Ew, no not like that. Dirty mind). Brad is all antsy. He literally can’t sit still and I think he starts petting Emily again (Sstop that! It’s weird!). Emily brings up Ricky Tick and wonders if Brad is ready to be the father to (and be outsmarted regularly by) a little girl. Brad tells Emily that he is ready to be “Little Ricky’s” (If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. Stop, for the love of God, calling her that) Dad. When Emily asks Brad what that means, you can tell that he never really thought about that part. He was just proud he was able to spit out the Dad line. S**T gets awkward, fast. Brad is sweating. Like a lot. When he heads to grab a drink of water, I ponder which nickname is worse, Ricky Tick or Little Ricky. I decide that I prefer the combo – Little Ticky.

Can somebody get me a sweat rag? (ABC)

An uncomfortable mini, unfight (“No, i’m not mad. Are you?”) ensues and after they stare at each other and say “I don’t know what to say” a few times back and forth, Brad leaves (Did anyone else notice he left with a swag bag? What could possible be in there?) Yikes, that was painful to watch.

But we all know he is still going to pick her, so no biggie.

The Final Rose: We get a few minutes with introspective Brad as he shows us his cross tattoo and throws on a henley t-shirt. We also find out that Emily wakes up with a full face of make-up and perfectly curled hair. Wow, she really is something special. Chantal (no surprise here) doesn’t look quite as great but is also looking great for that “Just out of bed” wake-up shot.

We get a few more minutes of them all awkwardly alone in random places throughout South Africa while Brad repeatedly calls them without a doubt the most incredible ladies ever.

"Are you gonna pick one this time?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

We get the obvious Neil Lane plug while Brad picks out Emily’s bling. Neil Lane clearly finds this whole experience terribly awkward and looks like he is trying to find an escape route as Brad fondles the engagement rings. Brad tells Neil that he didn’t propose and Neil is like “Duh, I got that giant, super expensive ring back. You don’t get to keep that s**t.”

Chantal packs up all her too-tight tank tops and gets ready to head down for her see ya later sucker session with Brad. If ABC wanted to adequately use a superlative, it would be calling this moment of the show “the most awkward, painfully uncomfortable moment of television.” Chris Harrison shows up to escort Chantal (and the peacock on her shoulder) down to the moment of doom.

Brad starts up his prepared monologue and Chantal thinks it’s good news (oh no) which is going to make the let down all the worse. As the tension builds, my body physical reacts to how uncomfortable this is to watch – I get the bad kind of goosebumps. Not the “aw cute” ones the “oh this is awful” ones. It is bad. The SE rating on this moment is through the roof.

BUT. (ABC)

And then it happens, he drops the big BUT on her. Then the crying, lots and lots of crying, starts. He tries to explain it which only makes it worse. He tells her she’s amazing but let’s her know he’s going to need her to leave now. It seems like it goes down so fast. “You’re great, we had fun. But I don’t choose you. We’re done. Please leave. Now.”

Brad walks her out and stupidly asks her “Are you alright?” I am not the biggest fan of Chantal (ok, not a fan at all) but this is a little much. Give the girl a break. Of course she is NOT alright. You just dumped a girl, who has been in love with you since day one, on national television. Give her a second.

Chantal does some limo crying but generally maintains a shred of dignity before it’s proposal time!

"Where Am I?" (ABC/MARK WESSELS)

The Proposal: Brad prepares Emily (and the audience, thanks for the heads up) that there will be some stuttering and stammering (we figured) as he reads his prepared (by someone with more than a 5th grade education) speech.

In summary, “I love you. Have since the first picnic date. Can’t get enough of you. Let’s get married. Here have this ring that ABC bought for you.” (p.s. – nice Neil Lane logo plug ABC. But you do realize that no one in mainstream America can afford one of those right?)

Brad gets down on one knee, Emily says yes and then they share the weirdest looking kiss ever shown on national TV. Brad is kneeling and Emily is doing the sorority squat while holding on to his face for dear life. Luckily, Brad finally stands up and they embrace like normal people.

The End.

How do we do this? (ABC)

WE DID IT FRIENDS! We made it through this painfully awkward, awesomely uncomfortable, picnic, zipline and helicopter filled season. Crazy crying chicks and all. And we got the (kinda) happy ending that I hoped for (i’m guessing most of you love Emily as much as me, but I won’t generalize). Brad, Emily and Little Ticky (I’m sticking with that) will live happily, ever after (for at least 3 weeks).

I’ll be back with a quick recap on the “After the Final Rose” special later.

Until then… stay tuned. (Bachelorette and Bachelor Pad will be here in NO Time!)

Oh and p.s. – Ashley Hebert is the next Bachelorette. Get ready for a season filled with hand-talking.