February 26, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Fantasy Thailand. The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 9 Recap

First off, you’re probably noticing things look a little different around here. Welp, that’s not intentional. I checked out the blog this morning and noticed the sidebar disappeared and shiz looked all wonky. After trying to fix it, I just decided to go with another layout. Yeah, I know it’s a little weird, but it’s what I’m working with today. I got the fonts I like and my embarrassed polar bear friend, so it’s all good.

Moving on.

It’s Fantasy Suite time. The night were every lady contestant uses euphemism after euphemism to describe what happens when the cameras turn off. We all get it gals. You put on your birthday suit and get to “spend that extra time with Sean” you’ve been waiting for. Since Sean is the born-again Bachelor, we all know they weren’t really getting down to business but I wish we could have avoided all that “I want to be a lady” BS. Um, you’re on The Bachelor, I think that ship has sailed.

Anyways, let’s get back to the beginning. And by beginning, I mean the five-minute montage of Sean exploring Thailand with his shirt off. I much prefer the pecs to that awful teal tank top (and the tan lines that came with it). Nothing says poignant moment more than a quick solo dip in the infinity pool to contemplate your future.

I know they bring the parents out next week but it might be nice to let Sean have some bros to tag along at this part to keep him from looking supremely douchey as he sulks around all alone.  Either way, I much prefer this to the shots of Ashley standing frozen in a crowd as people pass around her in a blurry, flurry of movement (don’t act like you don’t remember that).

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

p.s. how awesome is the ABC Bachelor Tumblr. So many awesome pics.

Sean’s time spent shirtless isn’t totally useless though. He needs to lose the shirt to adequately narrate a montage of his three leading ladies. Here’s a quick recap:

* Lindsay: The Crazy Funny One 
Lindsay’s the crazy gal in the wedding dress you never thought would make it this far. But with her high-pitch voice, luscious locks, ability to agree with EVERYTHING Sean says and her open-mouth kissing skills – Lindsay has become a force to be reckoned with. I also think that Sean is seriously afraid of the military action her father will undertake if he doesn’t choose her. This is a legitimate concern.

* AshLee: The Crazy Eyed One
I’ve told you all before that AshLee makes me a little nervous. There is a seriously scary kind of crazy lurking behind those “just love me” puppy dog eyes. You can see the glimmer of crazy every time AshLee declares her love for Sean (you can also see me hiding underneath me couch every time she declares her love). AshLee is over committed but more on that later.

* Catherine: The Crazy Cute One
This one’s a keeper. A little nerdy but super cute. So cute that I’ll give her a break on her need for a hair cut (c’mon guys, a little trim would do her well. You know that it’s just about an inch and a half or two too long). I heart Catherine and I’m keeping my fingers crossed that Sean does too because this girl actually looks fun to hang out with. I also find Sean to be least annoying (and even slightly funny/endearing) when he’s with her.

So there’s the run down on the girls. It’s time for Sean to throw on a fresh v-neck, grab a new pair of Toms and begin the final portion of his “journey to love.”

p.s. – If you’re a Monday night drinker (no judgement here), bottoms up every time they say “journey.” It would make for a blurry Tuesday morning.

In the Market for Love with Lindsay
Props to Lindsey for not committing one of SE’s cardinal sins – the run-up and jump. I appreciate that she takes her sweet-as time to walk up to Sean. This momentary respect is lost when she says that their transportation method, the moto-taxi, looks “Amazing!” Um that thing does not look even moderately amazing. Adequate method of transport – yes. Amazing – no. What were they fresh out of helicopters, elephants, jet skis, jeeps, ATV’s, etc?

Lindsay is obviously a better sport than I and she crams in for a good time. The view on the ride is equally amazing but Lindsey is too caught up in staring at Sean’s baby blues to take in the scenery.

Adding insult to injury, their ride drops them at an open air market and bolts, quick. After attempting to chase down their ride (damn that high-heel shoe selection), Lindsey agrees to do a little “shopping” with Sean. Little did she know that this meant eating bugs.

Here’s my thing. Sean tells the audience that the one thing Lindsey said she wouldn’t do was eat bugs. So what does Sean arrange for her to do, eat bugs. Doesn’t sound like a real romantic date to me. But Sean sees this as some allegory for love. “If Lindsey will eat bugs for me, then she’ll do anything for me.” Um, what?

If my husband had asked me to eat a bug to prove my love for him, I would have kicked him in the shins and told him to “bug off” (pun intended).

Instead of being like, “f-off” Lindsey puts on a smile and eats, not one, but two bugs. I cringe and cover my ears the minute you can hear the crunch of her teeth hitting the bug. Yuck City. When the pair kiss (Lindsey and Sean not Lindsey and the bug – although at this point that is totally plausible) later, I can’t help but imagine the little bits of insect that are probably stuck between their teeth. It’s giving me the SE goosebumps just thinking about it.

Sean attempts to make up for it by offering to buy a pair of asian animation swim shorts but Lindsay ain’t buying it. Luckily for us all, they head off to their next stop – the beach. Obviously.

Sean can’t miss an opportunity to really spend time with Lindsay (read: see her boobs in a bathing suit) this close to the end. So at the beach, Lindsay cackles on about how awesome and amazing everything is, while Sean stairs at her rack. Oh yeah and they feed some monkeys too.

But enough of this, it’s night-time now and that means a faux dinner followed by some faux dessert eating followed by some faux sex. Dinner is served at what appears to be the Thailand exhibit at Disneyland. The light up floats are “the most beautiful thing [Lindsay's} every seen." Girlfriend, you are in Thailand. Did you not look around at the beach? How about when you went to Canada? Did you not check out the mountains? I'm thinking the natural setting had to be a little bit more beautiful than some light-up parade floats.

I'm just about to get over this ridiculous comment when one of them describes part of the set-up as "a bunch of flowers made of petals." Yup, that's what flowers are usually made of, petals.

The entire "dinner" is spent with Lindsay trying to awkwardly tell Sean that she loves him. Sean apparently knows this and is in on the producers plot to make this entirely too awkward for words. Before she can spit it out (no, not that - that comes later), she's saved by a group of Thai dancers and the presentation of the fantasy suite card.

Obviously Lindsay accepts right quick and it's on like donkey kong (except it's not, boo).

Back at the fantasy suite, Lindsay is finally able to "express her feelings" which means she's ready to show Sean her nipples. Three cheers for love.

Love in the Dark with AshLee
Here's the deal with AshLee, ole girl is INTENSE. Like seriously, intense. I get a little nervous/uncomfortable almost every time she talks. I know she means well but I feel like she's gotten to the point where she over committed. She let her crazy get out of control and now there's no stopping it (see ex. 1 - standing on a chair and yelling "I Love Sean." ex. 2 - does so in a belly shirt).

Another reason why AshLee is wearing thin on me is the constant run and jump up move. Girl, Sean is not going anywhere (okay he is, but not in the next 30 seconds). You do not need to come at him like a hungry water buffalo every time you see him. The mad dash is not endearing, it's annoying. End Scene.

Sean isn't going to let the producers keep AshLee in a cover-up for too long on this date (gotta show off those assets), so it's straight to the swim suit for her after a quick boat ride.

AshLee's all cuddled up and over-sharing her feelings when Sean drops the news. It's time for another one of Sean's test. Lindsey had to eat bugs; now it's time for AshLee to stop being an overbearing control freak which means swimming through a cave behind Sean.

Not sure what the deal with all the love challenges - I guess this is Sean's way of figuring things out. I'm just saying that I found Brad Womack's way (i.e. - hot tubs, rolling around in sand, riding in helicopters, lots and lots of open-mouth kissing) more entertaining.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

So AshLee reluctantly jumps in, ready to prove her love for Sean by abandoning (whoops – don’t say abandon in front of AshLee) her type-A control issues and following along on a small floaty in to a dark, scary cave. Once again, I don’t get it but whatevs.

P.s. – let’s talk about what might have been lurking in that dark, deep water. Um, I would be WAY more freaked out about the eels or whatever just touched my leg (eww not like that) than a little darkness. Just saying.

It’s all worth it though because on the other side of the cave is an amazing beach (you can say amazing here – it’s appropriate) and an “amazing man” who Ash is committed to organizing his closets spending her life with. I can’t help but cringe a little whenever AshLee talks to the audience. I want to slap her and yell “Get with it! Don’t let your abandonment issues define you!” But then I realize that that’s a little weird too and I give it up and let the wave of Secondary Embarrassment wash over me.

Once we’ve logged 8 minutes of AshLee cleavage time, it’s time for dinner.

This dinner date goes by pretty quickly and it’s mostly spent with AshLee telling us ad nauseam that she’s a “lady.” Girlfriend, if you have to talk about it that much, it may not be true. I mean, weren’t you the one that got married at 17? I’m not saying, I’m just saying.

She finally gets Sean to agree on their shared “morals” so that means it’s important for her to also share what kind of engagement ring she wants. OH GAH. I almost fling myself over the sofa in embarrassment and it’s in that exact moment that I know she is TOAST.

So despite her protests, AshLee saddles up for the fantasy suite. Since we’re about half-way through the episode, I ask Drew who he thinks will be going home. He thinks Catherine but me, I know. It’s gonna be AshLee. You can just tell.

The Love Boat with Catherine
After Team Selma went down in flames, I’ve been squarely aligned with team Catherine. Maybe it’s because she’s had the most fun dates, maybe it’s her nerdy stories, maybe it’s because she hyperventilates at EVERY ROSE CEREMONY. I don’t know what it is but I dig her. Clearly Sean digs her too.

I’m thinking that he really like her but he’s not sure if she’s his wife material. I’m hoping on this date he just gets over that feeling and gets ready to put a ring on it.

Catherine, thankfully, does not do the run and jump but she does come strong with an aggressive sneak up. I don’t hate it.

Turns out on their date, they are taken a little cruise. Sounds fun enough. Here’s hoping there’s no caves (although I’d take a cliff jump).

Here’s really all you need to know about this date: Catherine has great hair (despite being two inches too long) that holds up well in humidity and Sean likes to open mouth kiss her.

image: bachelorabc.tumblr.com/

I mean there may be a little more to the story but if I had to sum it up, that’s it. Good hair + Lots and lots of kissing.

These two crazy kids have got it going on. (don’t worry Sean, by “it” I don’t mean sex). Catherine – despite being a contestant on a reality dating show – seems somewhat normal (and I mean that in the loosest sense of the word because there is nothing normal about this show). She also has a good sense of humor and doesn’t take herself too seriously. I like her.

Sean likes her too. A lot. They kiss lying down (did anyone notice the kiss on the forehead? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone else get one of those), they kiss before jumping in the water, they kiss in the water, they kiss in the rain (with tongue). Let’s talk about that kiss in the rain. Sean is too tall for her and that open-mouth kiss looked like he was probing her/doing his best iguana impression. It was gross.

Despite the insane amount of kissing, they come  up for air long enough for “dinner.”

Obviously they don’t eat. Probably because they are both WAY too busy doing off-camera interviews talking about how amazing the other one is. It gets to a point where I’m sick of hearing about how perfect they are and how they could be “best friends” (p.s. – Sean loves to talk about being besties) and just wish they’d kick the crew out for some of that “one-on-one time.”

Catherine is of the same mindset where she doesn’t want all America thinking she’s getting freaky in the fantasy suites. She gets her “but I don’t want to” speech on air before throwing caution (and her bra & panties) to the wind for some naked cuddle time with Sean.

Game Over.

Rose Ceremony Time

Before things get official, Disney pulls the move where they show a movie preview. Usually I hate this (Brave, that one Anna Faris movie about sleeping with a lot of people – obviously previewed during Brad’s season) but when it’s the Wizard of Oz movie I’m hype. I wonder if the “witches” filmed their segment at the Bachelor House. Hopefully they disinfected those chairs (or just brought it new ones) for them.

Back in Thailand, it’s time for the fantasy to end for one gal. Sean is super sensitive to this since he got canned this episode too. This means we’re required to watch Sean act dismayed, depressed and confused for ten minutes while he contemplates his future. C’mon buddy. We all know it’s Ashley, so just take one LONG last look at those ho-ha’s (seriously – those puppies were going to escape any minute!) and then send her home.

Sean grabs the roses and it’s game time.

First up, Lindsay. I’m surprised by this. The first rose is always symbolic and I definitely though long hair don’t care would get it.

Cue the evil eyes from AshLee (seriously her stare is frightening) and the hyper ventilating from Catherine.

After a super long pause, it’s time.

Catherine gets the rose. Duh.

But you know what wasn’t a “duh?” That reaction from AshLee. Not going to lie, I loved it.

I LOVE it when the girl (or guy) goes all “don’t talk to me.” You know The Bachelor/ette is thinking they’ll have to console them and it’s going to be all tears and hugs. Instead it’s all “don’t touch me. i hate you.”

I think I liked AshLee the most all season in these last few minutes. She just gave him the business  She let him get in his pathetic “reasoning” and was all “whatever, I hate you” and got out of there. Wouldn’t even let old dude open the door for her. Respect.

And when she finally broke down a little in the ride of shame, she hid her face from the camera because she wouldn’t give Sean that satisfaction. I love it.

Can’t WAIT to hear what she has to say next week. Yup, it’s Women Tell All. A mix of crazy and awesome all filmed in front of a live audience. That’s television magic there folks.

Who’s your pick to win? Were you surprised that AshLee left? More importantly, were you surprised at how she left?

Tell me your favorite parts in the comments!

Until next time… stay tuned!

 

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February 14, 2013 · 11:16 am

Bless His Heart. The Bachelor’s Tierra Gets Engaged

This. Just this.

All I can say is that I wish they a happy, sparkle-filled life. Oh and I pray that their children get his eyebrows.

From People.com

The Bachelor‘s Tierra Gets Engaged

By Rennie Dybal

How’s this for a shocking Bachelor twist?

This season’s most controversial rose-getter, Tierra LiCausi, told her fellow contestants on The Bachelor that if she wanted to get engaged, she could. “Men love me,” she proclaimed shortly before her ousting.

True enough: Tierra, 24, is engaged, Wetpaint Entertainment has confirmed. So who’s the lucky guy?

The Bachelor's Tierra Gets Engaged| Engagements, The Bachelor, TV News, Sean Lowe

“It’s someone she had been seeing before the show. They’ve known each other three or four years,” her brother Tyler explained to Wetpaint.

“Unfortunately, they had a bad breakup. When that happened, she signed up to go on The Bachelor. Right after she left to film, though, he had a huge change of heart and wanted to get her back.”

What’s more, the couple’s relationship was rekindled the same day that Tierra’s TV love interest, Sean Lowe, sent her home, says her brother. (Her now-fiancé flew to St. Croix where Tierra was filming and they decided to rendezvous in Denver).

“That was in November,” adds Tyler. “He proposed in January … they’re doing great.”

Looks like there will be plenty of material for The Women Tell All!

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February 13, 2013 · 4:34 pm

The moment we’ve all been waiting for… The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 6 Recap

Hey amigos! I can call you my amigos right? We’re all friends here right?

So I’ve had a few questions (not more than a few – seriously, only like 3 people) about why I’m so slow to post lately. Well, it’s just been hard for me to throw myself into the long rants when the amount of Tierra hatred (or Tiatred if you will) has been too high to stand. But Monday night was a bittersweet symphony. Tierra went out (the sweet part) in a blazing ball of glory (the bitter). Ole girl was not going to go down without a fight (and at least a tube of mascara running down her face).

I feel like I’m doing you all a disservice, this blog has no longer become a place to hear witty banter about the witless gals on The Bachelor but instead has become my personal burn book with only one singular entry: Tierra.

http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/photos/episode-1707/media/episode-seven-1

WHY ARE ALL THE PICTURES FROM THIS EPISODE OF TIERRA’S DATE!!!!

{p.s. – there should totally be a site where you can create your own Mean Girls burn book images. kind of like Condescending Wonka, only better}

But today I’m moving on, pushing forward and fully embracing the secondary embarrassment than secondary characters on this season have been spewing – I’m looking at you AshLee. I’m going to give my stream of conscious thoughts on this week’s episode since I didn’t take notes (my badsies). Love it or leave it…

Sean is sick of the cold weather (and the serious lack of bathing suit exposure this season) so he’s all “pack your bags bias, we’re going to St. Croix.” Never one to miss an opportunity to wear Toms hang with the girls, Sean hops aboard their sea plane (yeah he did) to St. Croix. The girls love love love spending time with Sean so it’s a bonus all around.

But once they land, Sean ditches the girl right quick and heads off to whatever mansion they’ve rented him for the week. The gals on the other hand, do a mad dash to their suite to pick their rooms “Real World” style. Tierra, who is generally the worst person ever, ain’t sharing nothing with nobody so she’s settles for a cot in the hallway over sharing a bed with AshLee (and she’s not even the one who sleeps naked). Here begins the battle of the bias.

No shocker than Tierra picks the cot – I’m already pounding my head against my coffee table in frustration for allowing the girls to let her get away with this con. Clearly she’s going to use this against them later when she’s pushing her massive knockers up against Sean. (+1 point Tierra)

Tierra’s pity party is put on hold with the arrival of the date card. First up – AshLee

Date #1 - AshLee

AshLee, I want to like you but your constant crying and need for reassurance PLUS the way you spell you name (really, I have to capitalize mid-name?) have me going back and forth.

Clearly digs her though and hooks her up with a bomb-ass date. These two chiseled bodies will be spending time yachting through the Caribbean Sea. Before moving on, we have to discuss an quality move by producers/editing. So the kiddos arrive at the beach where Sean let’s Ash know that they’ll be cruising in style but before they can get started they have to swim out to the boat. These cues them to remove their cover-ups for a swimsuit reveal. The camera expertly never moves away from Ash’s ass and in a move of pure genuineness the producer cue up Sean’s voice over about how she’s just a “quality girl.” Yeah she is Sean. Yeah. She. Is.

I’m not hating though cause AshLee’s body is on point. She’s definitely been avoiding the cheetos and doritos (the same can’t be said for her nemesis. +1 point AshLee).

Other than the change in setting, the date goes pretty much the same way all of AshLee’s dates have gone. They hang out and it doesn’t seem weird until you hear her talk. Oh AshLee, someone needs to tell you to slow your roll before you embarrass yourself (too late).

After some heavy petting in the sand (UGH – this is my nightmare date. All of that sticky, salty sand stuck to you. WOOOOOF. I’m getting the uncomfortable goose bumps just thinking about it) and lots of LOUD tongue kissing, they sneak in a little convo. Sean, who is quite the gossip, wants to know what Ash thinks of living with the gals, namely Tierra. Oh no, he just opened the door. I want AshLee to run right through and let Sean know what an evil Sea Monster Tierra is but in the same moment, I want to bar the door and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Tierra has shown she has a gift for twisting words and playing the ultimate victim. Do not give her this opportunity.

AshLee can’t help herself (+1 Tierra) and tells Sean that Tierra is the worst thing to happen to the girls since production dropped off that box of Double-Stuffed Oreos. He listens intently, preparing how he’ll console Tierra when she inevitably brings this up later in the episode.

But enough of that, it’s dinner time. AshLee’s nervous about dinner because she is going to reveal a big secret to Sean. My money was on a kid but instead we find out that ole Ash was a wild child and got hitched at 17. Get it girl. Married junior year, divorced senior year. She’s tied up in knots (ewww, not that way!) about it and is worried sick that Sean will want to kick her divorced ass to the curb. But Sean saves his judgement for another time and tells Ash that her past life doesn’t define her (that and the fact that it was literally 15 years ago for her).

Sean’s total embrace of her daddy issues and insecurity have AshLee filled to the brim with love which can only mean that I am filled to the brim with SE. You know what happens next – the dreaded “I Love You.”

This is my fifth season of Bachelor recaps so you’d think I’d be prepared for the over zealous “I Love You” but every time feels like the first time. Not only does AshLee let loose with her feelings but she literally screams them for the world to hear. (Not sure if this a + 1 for AshLee or for Tierra. Only time will tell.)

I knew this one was coming and listened to her proclamation from underneath a giant pillow fort. Once I heard the all clear, I settled back in for the rest of the madness.

Group Loving – Catherine, Desi and Lindsay

For his group date, Sean wakes the ladies bright and early for a sunrise to sunset day of fun. And for Sean, that day of fun begins by seeing the gals with no makeup on. I find this move both annoying and awesome. As a girl who looks like Oscar the Grouch when I wake up (I don’t mean temperament, I mean that I literally look like I climbed out of a trash can), I sympathize with this jerk move. As a commentator on a reality show, I LOVE IT!

While Desi and Lindsay make a mad dash for the mascara (and Lindsay make a dash for her unders), Catherine looks just as fab as she normally does. She tousled head of hair looks perfect and she’s camera ready by simply wiping away the eye crusties. Damn you!

I want to hate this about her but her mix of nerdy and nice is appealing and she’s easily become my favorite (since I had to say so long to Selma and Daniella).

The premise of this date is wandering around the island from sun up to sun down. Basically this means Desi is hogging shot gun, Catherine’s being cute and Lindsay’s wondering where she put her wedding dress (I NEED ATTENTION!!!)

They visit a few tourist spots for chats with Sean before making it around the island. There they shed their skin tight shorts and frolick in the sand with Sean. Ahh, life is good.

Each gal gets their one-on-one time where they share heartfelt secrets in an attempt to get Sean to their hometowns. Catherine wins for the most sincere with her reveal about her dad but this moment is overshadowed by Lindsay’s open-mouthed kissing. This move wins her the rose.

I’m guessing all three of these gals snag roses because other than Desi, who Sean seems taken with, they don’t suck.

Speaking of sucking, it’s time for Tierra’s one-on-one.

Whoops, I just realized I got the order wrong on this, but I’m sticking with it since I like the flow.

Date # 3 Tierrable

Want to know why I think Tierra is the worst? When her date card arrives, instead of being giddy with excitement and planning what to wear, she whines and complains about how her date is crappy. She just loves boats and the water so much so she thought Sean would hook her up with a yacht date. Instead, she’s going to get sweaty (isn’t she always sweaty) and her hair will get messy and her make-up will run. WAH.

And if I didn’t despise you already, there it is.

This date is every horrible thing you think it would be. Tierra’s shorts are too short, her heels are too high and her “gifts” from Sean are too tacky. I’ll give them a pass on the shell necklace since it has a sort of island appeal but that was the ugliest f-ing bracelet I’ve ever seen. (woo woo Mean Girls reference +1 me!).

Her dancing is woofy, her giggle is blood curdling and I’m thinking about officially breaking up with Chris Harrison for making me live through this. (Why, CH? Why?)

 

Just take it, it’s free. Image: ABC.com

Sean grins and bears it through the date but I’m hoping that on the inside, he’s beginning to get the willies from that eyebrow.

They make it to dinner (Tierra’s favorite part!) where she tells him that she feels like things are off. He reassures her and honestly, I can’t even remember what happens next. I’m guessing loud kissing, lots of distorted eye brow raises and over confident banter.

Date #4 Lesley

Let’s all be real. Poor Lesley got the shaft on her date. It’s the standard picnic date which isn’t a good set-up for Lesley because we all have seen how nervous and awkward she gets around Sean.

The school girl within Lesley cannot be controlled and you can see her freeze up in his presence. I find Lesley adorable and this move has gotten her pretty far but it’s time to man up (and by man up, I mean throw on a bikini and get to tongue kissing).

Lesley tells us she’s going to open up to Sean but instead she’s paralyzed by nerves and ends up a bumbling awkward mess. Bless her heart.

I’d go on about this date but we all know we want to get to the good stuff…

The Rumble in the Trundle

Throughout the episode, we’ve had to endure unflattering camera angles of Tierra as she sits inside like the giant sad sack she is while the rest of the girls talk shit about her outside (while tanning their hot bods). Tierra is tired of all the shit talking so her and AshLee sit down for a little girl talk.

What starts out as some mildly confrontational back and forth, turns into an all out showdown between Tierra’s eyebrown and AshLee. Ash lets Tierra know that her tierrable attitude and out of control eye brow raising has gone on too long. She basically lays out everything America has been yelling at their TV’s since day one. She even goes as far as saying that Tierra’s parents even told her that she doesn’t play well with others.

Tierra eating. Obvi. Image: ABC.com

Tierra’s argument: AshLee is old, desperate and well that’s it.

AshLee’s argument: Tierra is a horrible, dismissive, rude, unfriendly, overweight (no, wait that’s my argument), troll monster (whoops, that’s me again), selfish, manipulative, not nice person.

Well Tierra don’t like that one bit. (No, I didn’t say bite Tierra – calm down.) She gets all sassy and decides that her and her Target cover-up (circa 2007) don’t have to take this nonsense any more. I’m thinking she’ll just retreat to her cot with a box of Cheese-Its but instead she comes back for round two.

My favorite moment of manipulation is when AshLee is telling Catherine and Lesley that Tierra said they all talk shit about her behind her back. Catherine and Lesley deny it (obviously) but then Tierra storm in like it’s free blizzard day at Dairy Queen, yelling that she never said that. Um, can someone cue up the playback?

And here begins the meltdown, lots of yelling about “her sparkle” (was she a theta?) and how it can’t be stolen or contained. What cannot be contained are the tears and her waterproof mascara throws in the towel again.

But Tierra’s tear have some sort of super power and within moments Sean is knocking on her door, there to console her and/or try to drag her to to the beach to meet his sister (sorry, we’re skipping that part).

This time the act fails (Thank you SHAY!) and Sean takes five before coming back to lay down the law.

Tierra, on the other hand, believes her evil plan has worked again and is furiously wiping away the mascara stains while simultaneous pushing up her boobs.

But Sean is back and with bad news! HALLELUJAH I scream at my television when he drops the inevitable “BUT” after a forced compliment.

It’s time for you to skeedaddle he says in more or less words and for me the episode is over.

Oh, if you need to know – he gets rid of Lesley (bummer!) and let’s AshLee know she needs to keep her crazy under control.

But let’s talk about the ultimate win – TIERRA IS GONE! Secondary Embarrassment can go back to full recaps and I can release the hate from my heart.

You’ve got to take the good with the bad. Lesley may be gone (I’m chalking this up as a win for her) but Tierra is GONE! Now I can go back to focusing on the loud kissing, epic love songs, excessive shirt-less shots and more!

So until next time… stay tuned!

 

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February 5, 2013 · 2:23 pm

Just Tierrable or The 10 Reasons Why There’s No Bachelor Season 17 Episode 5 Recap

Hey fellow Bachelor lovers/haters. So last night, I broke out my laptop and started typing away at how spectacularly ridiculous this episode would  prove to be. Lots of notes ensued. From comments on how CH took my advice and gave up on plaid (but alas the ladies did not), on the annoying quality of Lindsay’s voice and the unearthed explanation of the origination of her daddy issues and on the pure amazingness of seeing Dezi drink a big gulp of goat’s milk.

And then it happened. The tierrable sea monster known as Tierra took over the show. I thought I couldn’t stand the sight of her wonky, independent eyebrow and odd forehead dent before but now I find her utterly insufferable. Her mere presence on the show caused me to abandon my love of two-on-one dates (when are they going to realize the dinner is the worst worst worst idea) and begin searching for poorly-made trendy clothes on Forever 21.

I think I may have even started responding to work emails, that is how awful I find her.

http://www.youplusstyle.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/Screen-shot-2013-01-15-at-10.56.49-AM.png

There are quite possibly thousands of reasons why I cannot stand her presence on my beloved television but I’ve compiled 10 here. See, I just can’t complete my recap without getting these things off my chest. Hopefully venting here will allow me to move past my intense loathing and allow me to return to witty repartee about her very apparent love of cheetos, the other girls resemblance to Disney princesses (so long Ariel!) and my girl crush on Selma.

10. The phony, fake-surprised look she gives Sean whenever he appears at the brothel the mansion.

image: realitynation.com

The moment she sees Sean, the viewing audience is able to see the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde transformation right before our eyes. The squeal that accompanies this face is, by far, the worst part.

9. Her resemblance to …

While the rest of the girls have dopplegangers in the sweet Disney princesses (Dezi = Belle, Jackie = Ariel, Daniella = Sleeping Beauty, Sarah = Cinderella, etc), our gal Tierra is straight up Esmerelda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not only is she from one of the worst Disney cartoon movies ever but she’s not even a princess. She’s a gypsy accused of murder. Both characters also share the uncanny ability to control one eyebrow independently of their face.

8. The snack hogging.

stop hogging all the snacks.

This leads straight into my next point…

7.  The Clothes.

The gals on this show have been known for their style and their lack of it. This season we’ve got style standpoints like Sarah and Selma. And in a return worthy of her predecessor Chantal, we have Tierra. It’s not that she has no style per say, it’s more than she’s showing off the stuff we don’t want to see.

She borrowed this dress from her older sister’s 2001 Junior Prom.

More Eating. This time in fringe.

That’s a lot of thigh.

 

 

6. Those crazy eyes.

More than anything, I’m seriously frightened for the other girls safety when I see those crazy eyes. I think if you look directly into them she eats a little bit of your soul off a dorito. Usually this is the time in the season when the girls lose control of their crazy but Tierra has let her crazy flag fly from day one.

5. The “I’m Sensitive” routine.

Every time she says it, THIS is how I feel.

Enough with this. You are not sensitive. Sarah is sensitive. You are horrible.

4. The Sneak Attack

While others may have started the sneak attack (see most recently Courtney and Sean), Tierra has perfected it. Ole girl just don’t care about the “rules” that our man CH lays out each week. She will strap on her Uggs and go wherever she damn well pleases. And then she’ll cry (see #3) and talk about how sensitive she is (see #5). I’m about to use one the standard issue plaid shirts and tie her to the refrigerator (that way she’ll be able to reach her cheetos stored on top of the fridge, duh).

3. The Crying

WOOF.

Ugh, the crying. A sneak attach (see #4) is almost always accompanied by crying. She’ll also use this to try and break Sean’s willpower when she fake falls down the stairs, fake freezes or fake sneezes. The crying, it might have been #1 but there’s these two…

2. The Eyebrow

Mind of it's own.

1. HER FOREHEAD DENT.

The-Bachelor-Tierra

Nuff said.

Until next time… stay tuned.

 

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January 29, 2013 · 11:35 am

‘Holy Moly Batman! Pretty Woman was about a Prostitute?’ And other lessons in Love from The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 4 Recap

Ah Tuesday. A day to sit back, relax and reflect on all of last night’s Bachelor madness. It really was a return to the good old days and by good old days I mean the days of hiding behind inanimate objects to shield yourself from the embarrassment spewing from your TV.

But enough of that, Chris Harrison is here, looking positively pleasant in plum. I’m happy to see that he’s packed up the plaids and finally given up on a long-term bromance with Brad.

CH is stopping in for a quick visit before heading off to do whatever it is he does in between keeping five-minute appearances on this show. On today’s visit, he’s dropping off a date card and doing his best 7th grade wingman impression. CH tells the girls that Sean really, really likes them and will probably ask one of them to go with him to the movies later this week. Probably after lunch period. He’ll pick you up (with his mom in the mini-van) at 7 for your 8:30 screening of Scream 2. Ahh middle school love.

After CH bolts out of there for mid-day cocktails with Neil Lane, it’s time for our weekly shirtless Sean montage. Rather than seeing Sean hitting the gym or going for a quick ocean swim, today we just get to see normal hot body Sean brushing his teeth and picking out his best v-neck tee for the grueling day ahead. Seriously though, what was the deal with that floor camera shot looking up at Sean in his boxer briefs? Were they hoping to give us all an unintentionally peek at the junk? Does the mansion closet have a floor cam? What is the deal?

Once Sean finally picks out his favorite TOMS (saved from Emily’s season), he’s ready to pick up Selma for their one-on-one date.

Selma – Let’s turn up the heat. (Yeah, let’s. No really, let’s.)

I, for one, am JAZZED about Selma getting the camera time a mug like hers so rightfully deserves. How many weeks has this show been on already with Selma, the smoking hottie, relegated to group dates? A travesty if I’ve ever seen one.

Selma is jazzed too, so mush so that she says this horribly embarrassing line, “I want to take it to the next level and then the next level and the next level and then have babies!” Oh Selma, don’t do this to me so early.

Thankfully someone in production gave Selma the heads up on what to wear so she’s not like AshLee traipsing around an amusement park in high heels and a sundress (amateur). Instead, Selma and her GINORMOUS boobies (sorry, I am not supposed to say that. Whoopsie. FYI – if boob jokes offend you, you’re gonna want to tune out now cause this is only the beginning) are stuffed into some skin-tight workout apparel. While the house full of sad sacks (p.s. – Daniella, time to wash yo hair girlfriend. stat.) sit around and cry for lost time with Sean, Selma is ready to shake what her momma gave her.

Side Note: A great drinking game to play this episode is to take a sip every time Sean checks out Selma’s cleavage. You will be well on your way to ham town by the end of this date.

Sean’s hype for this date because he “had a connection with Selma from night one.” Yeah you did – an eye line connection with her hoo-hahs.

Moving on, for their date these two love birds hop aboard the love bird express (aka a Blue Star Jet) to the desert. Selma, who thought their one-way flight would take them to the mile-high club (did you all see how grabby she was on the plane?) or at least the beach, is a little disappointed. Sean, on the other hand, is ready to see what kind of an outdoor girl Selma is (don’t get your hopes up buddy).

Side note: Is it required for every chick to make a princess/castle reference on their way to the date? If I hear ONE more line like this “I couldn’t have dreamt up a more perfect date. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Extra Side Note: All this princess talk has me brainstorming a post comparing each girl to their Disney Princess doppleganger – stay tuned!

These two crazy kids will be climbing a giant rock in Joshua Tree National Park. FUN! And by fun, I mean it’s an opportunity for the camera man to get some new angles on Selma’s rack. After the required hoopla about being “so scared” and “nervous,” Selma mans up, with a little positive encouragement from Sean, and starts the climb. The climb is a perfect opportunity for Sean to stare at Selma’s booty for a good hour. Nice work bud.

They make it to the top (don’t they always), just in time to catch the sunset (and for Sean to aggressively smash Selma’s boobs in a hug – did you all see that?). Romance at it’s most cliched best. Also, I am pissed about how ridiculously amazing Selma looked after that climb. I would be a hot sweaty mess and she’s looking camera-ready for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. I want to hate her but I can’t.

Sean suggests they change for dinner but Selma’s like “Look at me, I look like a million bucks. I ain’t changin’” So instead, they head off to another little desert spot to snuggle up. You may remember this set-up because it is the exact same date that Tony & Blakely shared on last season of Bachelor Pad. But clearly the kitschy set design was wasted on those nut bags, so it’s been recreated for this two exponentially better looking people.

The whole date revolves around Sean’s hard-on desire to kiss Selma and Selma trying to figure out how to tell Sean it’s not going to happen. So basically, she finally breaks it down after Sean betrays one of the commandments of SE “Thou shalt not ask a girl if you can kiss her.” Selma throws up the ‘Hold Up’ sign and let’s him know that she’s a sweet Iraqi princess that won’t be swapping spit on national TV. You know cause she doesn’t want to shame her family or call up the wrath of her mama bear. At first I’m relieved but then the rest of the exchange -  “I want to feel his lips.” (WHY WHY WHY SELMA!?!!?) and “Her eyes are asking me to kiss her” (NO NO NO NO NO) – is so filled with secondary embarrassment that I crawl between the coach cushions and wait for it to end. Oh and we’re not even going to talk about that song that played at the end (okay yes we are), what the what was that? That needs to be removed from the rotation. I feel like it snuck onto Mike Fleiss’ “Eternal Love” Pandora station and he just went with it.

Selma gets the rose (after doing a little heavy petting under the blanket) and we’re out.

Fun facts that we learned on this date: 1. Selma is Iraqi – who knew? 2. There will be no open-mouth kissing on Selma’s date (another eyebrow raiser – though not in the Tierra way – more on that later). 3. Sean saved his TOMS from last season, so resourceful.

Group Date: Lindsay, Robyn, Jackie, Catherine, Amanda, AshLee, Sarah and Tierra – I’m looking for a woman who can roll with the punches.

Once again, Tierra has been sentenced to a group date. Bad news for her but great news for the viewing audience. Speaking of Tierra, this amazing Twitter account started following me last week and I just now got time to enjoy its brillance. You all need to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on twitter. That thing has a mind of its own.

Despite Tierra’s displeasure, Sean has an “incredible date planned today.” I’ll say. Yup, he’s taking the girls to a Roller Derby! What better way to stir up love and affection than with some fighting on roller skates! I love it.

AshLee isn’t digging it, “I don’t do anything adventurous,” (I’d have to disagree, I’d say going on a reality dating competition show is pretty adventurous) but Sarah is excited, “I’m ready to show Sean that I can roll with the punches” even if she can only throw one punch. No combos for this gal. (Sorry sorry sorry, I had to do it. It’s like she just sets them up for me.)

The girls are generally horrible. And I do genuinely feel bad for Sarah for having to come on this date. Sean is all, “my heart goes out to her…” but I’m thinking, if your heart goes out to her why did you bring her on this date? Surely embarrassing her on national television isn’t all that heart warming. Anyways, Sean comforts her (and promises to bring her dog back. seriously, can her dog come back?) and she’s ready to conquer the track.

“Can I hold your…. err…. other hand?” Image: ABC

Amanda, on the other hand, has been running her larger than life mouth the entire date. Talking (with a WIDE open mouth) about how she’s on a roller derby team. She’s not. And karma comes back to bite her in the face (that is in danger of being taken over by her mouth every time she speaks) when she takes a big lick and damages the track with her giant jaw.

In a fit worthy of Tierra’s greatness, Amanda whines her to way to a trip to the hospital and the girls (as well as the crew) rejoice (except for the intern who had to drive her to the doctor)!

Side note: What if they have to wire her jaw shut? That would be amazing especially for her face which would be saved from impending doom.

After realizing that maybe roller derby is a little too aggressive, Sean calls the whole thing off and settles for a free skate. The princesses are thrilled and take turns slow skating with Sean to the sweet sounds of Journey.

At Roller Derby we wear Pink! Image: ABC

Enough of this nonsense. It’s time to get the girls in their tightest cocktail dresses (with bikinis on underneath for good measure) and over to a hotel rooftop pool for some champagne and crying.

This part of the date is where Tierra (and her every present eyebrow) take over. Rather than sport a dress, Tierra opts for some way too short for her booty shorts and stripper heels. She accessorizes with the attitude of a petulant 5 year old girl (Homeland fans, see Dana), ready to rage on anyone who even looks her way.

The only gal free from her wrath is her partner in crazy crime, Jaws aka Amanda the fit (not face) model. These two spend most of the night mean mugging the other girls and generally causing mayhem.
Things hit a head when Robyn unleashes the beast with some high-school mean girl hijinks of her own. Robyn apparently thinks she possesses the ability to take on Tierra. But her attempt at leaving our favorite piece of princess headgear fails when the evil sea monster calls her out right quick.

The battle is lost and Tierra takes her tears and her thunder thighs on a mission to find Sean. She finds him ready to hit the hot tub with Lindsay the lush, who’s had just enough champagne for a little dip in the bubbly. But poor Sean is cock blocked once again and Tierra’s tears trump Lindsay’s bikini. I stop paying attention as she moans on about “not fitting in” and “not being here to make friend.” BORING.

What I find more interesting is that when Lindsay returns to the rest of the gals in her bikini, rather than being bummed that they weren’t invited to the fantasy hot tub, they’re super supportive of her. Geez, they must really hate Tierra.

Anyways, her madness wins Sean over again (swears, he actually says this: “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.”) and he goes to fetch the rose for the evil one. Nice work Robyn.

The Pretty Woman Date with Leslie

So it appears that Leslie will finally get the date she’s been crying for since week one. And it’s a date sure to make all the other gals jealous. The date card came with a pair of diamond earrings so it can only mean one thing – the Pretty Woman date.

Now here’s where I need to break in. Lord knows I loved Pretty Woman as much as the next person but I haven’t forgotten the fact that Julia Roberts’ character was a PROSTITUTE. Have all the girls in America (at least the ones on this show) forgotten that? They’re all so obsessed with having their Pretty Woman moment forgetting that her character was a woman paid to have sex with Richard Gere’s character. So let’s all remember that point as we go through this date together.

Within 30 seconds I know this date will be filled to the top with Secondary Embarrassment. If any of you were doubting it for even a moment, your mind had to be changed when she used four different cartoon character voices and then chirped “Holy Moly Batman!” Well that or seeing Sean in a vest. Either one.

This date was seriously an embarrassment of riches, if riches were what the kids were calling the head to toe rush of SE. With the mix of cartoon voices, comic book catchphrases and feet 3 sizes too big for her body it seems like Sean is on a date with an 11-year-old boy. Maybe he realizes that too and takes her immediately to Badgley Mischka where they do their best to put her in all their ugliest dresses. Seriously, what were those things? Buzz, your girlfriend.

This could possibly be the worst date for a guy … or me for that matter… to watch.

Leslie shouts out “Winner Dinner Chicken Dinner!” and we’re all forced to assume that this means she’s found the dress she likes. They throw her a pair of heels and bag and hurry her out the door as quickly as possible. Oh, but that’s not all friends. They make a quick beeline over to Neil Lane, where he and CH take a quick break from their back room poker game, to pick out a diamond necklace for ole girl. Neil is so tan and so awesome. I kind of wish he would make rose ceremony appearances with CH.

Sufficiently dolled up, it’s time for dinner where Sean is hoping that the romance will set in. We all know this is code for, “I’m going to have to send her home.” I hope you all saw that warning sign and begin preparing for the SE apocalypse then. Friends, it’s going to get bad out there.

They sit down for dinner and begin sharing stories. After asking her about her “broad outline for life,” he lets her ramble on for who knows how long (I feel like they should have done those time elapse breaks), while he daydreams about Selma’s boobies. Looks like it’s time to call a spade a spade.

Sean pulls the rose fake out and picks it up to show that he’s made his decision. Leslie face breaks into a huge smile and I immediately take cover behind my laptop. I look over to make sure Drew’s safe from the SE nuclear blast and he’s already abandoned ship and has taken shelter underneath the couch (I can’t believe he’d just leave me behind like that).

He begins his bit and then it happens, the impact of the “BUT.” Once it hits, her smile crumbles and a chill-inducing pang of SE runs up my spine. MAKE. IT. STOP.

Thankfully, Sean pulls the band-aid of insecurity and doubt off quickly and Leslie is out of there in no time. But wait, there’s one more thing. “I need the necklace back,” Sean says as I dive for cover again. Gah, talk about adding insult to injury. This girl is going to be a mess when she makes it to the limo. At least she’ll have those diamond earrings to comfort her as she deals with feelings of inadequacy and the never-ending hunt for true love.

Back at the mansion, Tierra is doing work on the house’s supply of Dorrito’s (did she add melted cheese to those bad boys? does she know the camera adds 10 pounds?) while the girls debate on whether Leslie will come back or not.

Side note: Props to Leslie for fitting all her gear in that little bag!

Sean shoves Leslie into the limo and heads back inside to listen to the sweet, yet sad, sounds of Ben Taylor while he thinks about his journey. The date ends with a single rose being thrown from the balcony which is what I want to do to myself after watching that train wreck.

Cock block tails & Roses

At the cocktail party, Tierra is all pumped and not just because they replenished the supply of Cheetos. One more girl gone means one less girl to share her snacks with.

Robyn, on the other hand, is bound and determined to not let Tierra hold her down this time. So she’s coming strong with the corniest, most embarrassing (and that’s saying something) line of the night. I can’t remember how it goes (thank the lord) but it involved chocolate, an allusion to herself and kissing. WOOF CITY.

The post is getting a little lengthy so I’m going to cut to the chase.

PROS:

* That Daniella is still here. Gah, I love her. I love her always kinda drunk disheveled look. I love her commentary and I love that most of the time, it seems like she has no idea where she is. She’s like the Brittany S. Pierce (from Glee) of The Bachelor.

* Seeing Tierra let her crazy hang loose.

* AshLee and Sarah. Love these two sweeties.

* That the show is almost over.

CONS

* Tierra’s earrings.

* Dezi getting any sort of screen time.

* Catherine getting seriously awkward and nerdy with Sean. C’mon girl.

Rose Time:

Tierra and Selma already have roses.

The remaining roses go to…

* Catherine

* Dezi

* Lindsay

* Lesley – Woofy makeup tonight girlfriend.

* Robyn

* AshLee

* Sarah

* Jackie

Last rose, GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!! GIVE IT TO DANIELLA!!!!!

YYYYYYESSSSSSSS!

* Daniella

Woohoo! It’s time for ole crazy face to head home. Speaking of head, what is that on top of hers? That rats nest was definitely not helping her get a rose. “It’s going to be hard to get over Sean,” she says as I think, “it’s gonna be hard to untangle that mess on your head.”

The group toasts to getting rid of that hot mess and it’s time for the previews.

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Two episodes next week. I want to like that but that’s a serious time commitment ABC.

I definitely can’t do two recaps next week, so I’m looking for someone to guest post. Drop me a line through the contact form or tweet me (@drudydavispr) and let me know if you’re interested.

What did you all think of the episode? What was your favorite Tierra (eating) moment? Who do you think goes home next week?

Until then… stay tuned!

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January 22, 2013 · 2:10 pm

Dr. Sean Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Hating on Plaid and Love Chris Harrison – The Bachelor Season 17 Episode 3 Recap

Sorry for the delay friends. Been a hectic past few days and work got in the way of my recapping.

So last night, I decided to close up the computer so I could sit back, relax and enjoy the madness (also, I was really tired and couldn’t bear the thought of typing into the wee hours).  I’m pretty glad I did so I could soak up all of Tierra’s fake fall, actually enjoying a genuine moment on the show and throw popcorn at the screen every time Kacie B. popped up. That being said, today’s recap will not include some of the word for work quote mockery I’ve become known for. Sorry Charlie. I’ll be back to normal next time.

Love love love this guy.

The show opens in what should now be the open credits, Sean working out. Add in a little of that epic love music (maybe a little “On the Wings of Love”) and a beach run and I think it could become a nice standard open. Think about ABC?

Sean’s not necessarily my type but it never hurts to see those rock hard abs and if you’re playing The Bachelor drinking game, it gets your night off on the right track. Favorite line, “I’ve got my work cut out for me.” Ah, gotsta love the way the producers matched up that voice-over with Sean finishing up a set of rows. Good work.

But enough of Sean, doesn’t he know we all really tune in for one man? The one and only Chris Harrison. CH swings by the mansion to recap the rules, current standings and scatter a little cat nip for the gals to claw over, you know, a date card.

So there’s 16 gals left. This week we’ve got three dates lined up (duh). One group and two one-on-ones. First one up is little ole Lesley (jerk move Selma on giving Leslie high hopes).

“How long will this love last?”

I’m perplexed by this date card. Does he want me to answer? Okay, if I must. My best guess is that this love lasts at least until hometowns but not much longer. Even if she makes it to the end, I give it 9 months max. But enough of my predictions…

Sean and Lesley jump into the most pedestrian of Bachelor transportation methods – the limo – where the cannooodle and flirt around. Lesley is a big ball of hype for her date until she sees the limo stop in front of the Guinness World Record Museum. Uhhh what the what?

Side note: I haven’t decided how I feel about Lesley yet. On one side she seems pretty normal, not obnoxious and is remaining mostly out of the fray. All things I like. On the other side, there’s something about her that bugs me a little. Not sure if it’s her voice or what (certainly not her style – little lady always looks cute). Moving on.

So they’re at the museum and you can tell that Sean the prankster is back in action. He loves throwing these gals curve balls and seeing their reactions. At first I thought it was endearing but now it’s just getting to be old news. Either way, Lesley plays along and it appears these two are having fun on this little walkabout. It also appears that Sean is preparing for his final date scrapbook and taking tons of pics on his point-and-shoot.

But now it’s game time. Sean drops some knowledge about his pops breaking a world record (a pretty cool one at that). It appears Papa Ken Doll was the fastest to drive in all 48 contiguous states. Nice work.

“That’s cool Pops”, says Sean. “But I’ll see your world record and raise you a slutty world record.” Yup, it’s time to make a little history on this weekly competition dating show. It seems that Sean and Lesley are going to take a lick at setting the world record for longest on-screen kiss.

As the sweet sounds of Boys II Men’s “I’ll make love to you” play in the background, Sean and Lesley recreate their first middle school dance. Image: ABC

Lesley is the perfect mix of embarrassed and excited as they walk outside to complete their task in front of a randomly assembled group of hobos, street walkers, tourists, understudy Bachelor contestants (seriously, what was the deal with all the blondies in cut-off jean shorts?) and passerby’s.

CH is on the scene, along with some foreign Guinness guy, to make things official. Thank god for him because if not, the full THREE MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS of them kissing would have been an SE nightmare. Good lord, I was thinking they’d just let us fast-forward through that madness but instead we had to watch along through every lip-pursed closed mouth kiss.

We all know how big of a hater I am on the open-mouth kiss but when you’re setting a record for kissing, I would hope that you’d add in a little more tongue action. Watching them smile and press up against each other (do we keep our eyes closed? do we open them? what do we do with our hands?) was painful at best and awkward as hell at worst.

Favorite parts: CH playing ringmaster. Least favorite parts: Tie between Lesley and Sean’s off-screen commentary and the crowd of cheering fans. I mean really people? You have to have something better to do with three minutes of your life than watch these two touch lips.

Moving on.

Anyways, they break the record and we all take a collective break to change for dinner.

At dinner these crazy kids talk about their idyllic childhoods spent in perfect nuclear families where all they did was hang out with their families, do homework and go to practice (they are like the Aaron Samuels of Bachelor-dom). Clearly this season, tragic back-stories are out (unless they involve losing a limb) and perfect families are in!

Lesley impresses him with her great upbringing, sense of humor and short skirt so the rose is hers! They seal the deal with a kiss, this time with tongue and I’m instantly take back everything I said earlier about tongue-action.

Enough of these well-adjusted kids, I need some crazy crying in my Monday night routine. Let’s go on a Group Date!

Group Date: Set. Serve. Spike with Tierra, Robyn, Leslie, Taryn, Jackie, Little Desi, Kacie B., Amanda, Catherine, Daniella, Lindsey and someone else who I can’t remember right now. Oh I remember now. The model. What’s her name?

“Why yes, I am Captain America.” Image: ABC

The girls all throw on their perfectly matched bikinis and hit the beach for a date made for Sean’s abs.

It only takes one “TAKE OFF YOUR SHHHIIIIIRT!” for Sean to ditch his mank-top and run around like an extra on Baywatch. The crew spends the next 3 minute montage throwing the football, running into the ocean hand-in-hand and watching Sean do push-ups using Catherine for extra weight. It all feels so insanely staged but at least no one’s crying… yet.

Realizing that group dates were made for feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt and tears, the producers throw in the challenge. Duh Duh DUNNNNN. Split into teams cause you all will be hitting the beach volleyball court to compete for five more minutes with Sean.

After assembling teams, the girls spend the next ten minutes erotically covering each other in body paint rather than coming up with a legitimate strategy on how to actually win. This lack of planning means that the game is a total and utter mess. It’s like watching 10 hot-bodied Daria’s.

“Kill HER! I mean It, I meant it!” Image: ABC

In the end, the rag tag team of Desiree, Amanda, Lindsey, Robyn, Kacie B. and Jackie win the match and to the victor go the spoils. So these ladies break out their shortest sun-dresses and get ready for a night of competing for Sean’s love and affection.

Here’s what I can tell from this group:

* Little Desi is annoying. All her lip-licking, band sweeping and bloated self-confidence are slowly making me want to lunge through the screen and wipe that stupid smirk off her wedding-loving face.

* Amanda is bi-polar and her mouth is slowing gaining control of her face. Seriously, every time she smiles I fear it will be the last time we see anything south of her forehead. Also, she is nuts.

* Robyn is a cutie-patootie.

* Jackie has no idea what she is doing there other than looking pretty with her Princess Ariel features. (Has she even spoken to Sean on-camera once?)

* Kacie B. needs to be immediately thrown into the ocean. First off, throughout the season I’ve had no idea what she’s been talking about in any of her on-camera interviews. Always something about “being selfish this time” and “not here to play game.” On this date she decides she’s going to use Desi annoyance with Amanda’s multiple personalities to her advantage. Wait what? That doesn’t make sense. She tells us that she thinks Sean will hate the drama but then she sits down with him for the expressed purpose of creating drama. Not sure what is happening with her but all I can tell is that she is in need of some serious attention. Isn’t being on television TWO TIMES enough attention Kacie B?

Anyways, she sits down with Sean, talks some crazy shit about Desi and Amanada and Sean cuts through her bull in one second flat. “Ugh why are YOU telling me this?” Yeah why are you telling him that? You are an idiot who deserves to be sent home now so we no longer have to see your hair frizz in the California heat again.

* Lindsey has emerged from her crazy first night and has wooed Sean with her high-pitched voice, hand grabbing and talk of rainbows, unicorns and puppies.

And the rose goes to… Lindsey. Ole girl is a serious threat. Watch out now.
While things were getting weird beach-side, the rest of the crew heads back to the mansion where they bathe in each other’s tears and wax poetic about “needing more time.”

I mean couldn’t we have just invited one of my buddies so someone could catch this? Image: ABC

Enough of those sad-sacks, it’s time for the final date.

Riding High with AshLee.

We’re in the home stretch now and it’s time for the last date. This one goes to AshLee (and not without a little drama induced reading of the card from Tierra). AshLee gets all glammed up and is awaiting her knight in v-necked cotton armor when from the stairs comes a clatter. Who is it curled up in a big ball of eyelashes but Tierra of course. She lays there like a big lump of coal moaning waiting for the moment for Sean to arrive.

He does and attends to her like the decent human he appears to be. Tierra, being the miserable person she appears to be, capitalizes on the situation and throws a hissy-fit similar to the one my two-year old throws when I won’t let him eat gummy-snacks for dinner. After being the paramedics off with her curling iron, Tierra escapes for a quick cuddle session with Sean. WOOF.

All the while, the sweet and innocent AshLee waits inside – silently plotting a way to destroy her roommate named after a bedazzled headpiece.

Once the date begins, Sean tells Ash that they’re going to Six Flags and that they have the whole park to themselves. Well maybe. Sean is up to some more tricks. This time he invited a couple terminally ill children to join them. Nothing like using sick children to provoke a reaction you’ll use to gauge her prospect of being your wife. All jokes aside though, these kids are awesome.

The pair of girls both had mitochondrial disease (I think that’s what it’s called – no disrespect intended) and were meeting for the first time. Since they both love the Bachelor and amusement parks, it’s a big ball of fun for them. I’m sure they were wondering if they could kick AshLee off the date but in terms of a Bachelor date, this one was a good one.

I will say it was surprisingly awesome to watch them interact with the girls and see two kids really enjoying themselves. It also made me think of Sean not as a robot created by ABC for entertainment and ab shots but as a real human. I’m also glad ABC chose AshLee for this date because throwing Des or Tierra on this one could have been a mid-to-mild disaster.

Not going to lie, I got a little knot in my throat and not from the sheer excess of secondary embarrassment this show tends to shower on us. I also was kinda jealous because that date looked like a seriously fun time. I’m guessing AshLee just wishes she was dressed a little more appropriately.

For rose-getting purposes, AshLee shares a little of her background. Adopted but… from a perfect family. She just got hers a little later than the rest of the gals. Her story warms Sean’s heart (and is genuinely very sweet) and she is rewarded with a rose. The group dances away the night to the Eli Young Band.

Rose Time:

I’m pressed for time so I’m just going to use a word run on to describe the cocktail party:

Spray tanning. Bootylicious Tierra. Crazy Desi. Man Stealing. Oh No She Didn’t. More Man Stealing. Sarah’s cute ass puppy. Man that was nice of Sean. Musical Chairs. Kisses galore. Madness. Champagne. Crazy Eyes. Teary Eyes. Kacie B. in a Wet Suit. More Man Stealing. And the roses go to….

No but in all seriousness, girls got real at that cocktail party. It was like they were playing capture the flag with ole dude.

And the roses go to…. Hold the phone…. Sean needs to talk to Kacie B. outside. Turns out little buddy didn’t like what she tried to do at the beach so he is sending her ass home right about now. He says it’s because he respects her too much to make her go through another rose ceremony but I’m guessing he just doesn’t want to look at that wet suit and nappy ponytail anymore.

Anyways…  the roses go to…. (Lesley, Lindsey and AshLee all have roses)
(in no particular order cause I don’t remember)

* Amanda
* Daniella
* Selma
* Robyn
* Leslie
* Jackie
* Tierra
* Catherine

And … * Desiree

Am I forgetting someone?

Anyways, the model and Taryn go home along with Kacie B.
See ya later (maybe Bachelor Pad?) ladies.

Oh snap, why did they leave out the footage of them getting Old Time Photos taken?! LOVE THOSE! Sorry I know that gives you all secondary embarrassment but I can’t help it.

What did you all think of last night’s episode? What made your skin crawl? What did I leave out?

Until next time… stay tuned!

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January 15, 2013 · 12:12 pm

“My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” The Bachelor Season 17 Epsiode 2 Recap

Don’t lie. It’s been fun this last week. You get to talk about The Bachelor with your buds (or random strangers – or is that just me?), read about it and finally have a reason to get excited for Mondays. It’s good stuff.

Now it’s not the stuff my dreams are made of but it’s definitely some good, old-fashioned crazy fun. We’ll save all the dream fulfilling to Sean who, according to the previews, is about to make so many dreams come true tonight. He’s a regular Walt Disney. You know, without the mustache, drawing talent or love of mice. (As I wrote that I pictured Sean with a Walt Disney mustache and laughed out loud. Just do it. You’ll laugh too.)

But before he can make the magic happen, Sean has a plan to get you in bed and dreaming (NO! Not like that. I know you’re not contestants on this madness) before 10 p.m. Yup, if you are playing The Bachelor drinking game, you hopefully had a high tolerance because things got serious… fast (just like the relationships on this show).

Sean without his shirt on. DRINK! Sean working out. FINISH YOUR DRINK! Sean in the SHOWER!!!! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS!!!

If you’re still standing, you see my man CH waltz into the house in his signature business on the bottom, party on top look. I love you CH but why the dress shoes with the plaid button-down? I know your relationship with Brad the WOAH-MACK left you confused and alone but don’t try to win him back with plaid smoke signals. Time to let it go.

Speaking of letting it go, it’s time for CH to shelve that speech were he half-hardheartedly tells the gals that he believes in their quest for true love. If anyone knows how this ends (in a ball of tears, sadness and regret) it’s CH.

But enough of all that doubt, I believe in a thing called love and I’m holding out hope that it can be found on this televised Match.com on steroids.

The first place we’ll look for it…

A one-on-one date with Sarah (I’m going to let the joke lurking there lie)!

A Date with the One: “Sarah – Are you ready to fall in love?”

While the rest of the girls try to hide their disdain for Sarah, I can’t. Her voice is quickly becoming like nails on a chalkboard for me and it’s hard for me to fake it when she drops lines like this, “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going to stop having fun.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! No really, what is she talking about?

I’m still asking myself that question when The Bachelor transportation method of choice descends on the property. A helicopter!!! On the First Date!!! DRINK!

It’s good to see ABC upping their game this season. No more waiting until episode 7, it’s game time and they’re bringing in the big guns early. I like it.

But Sean is a veteran of the series and he bores of the helicopter early (either that or he’s totally confused about what to do with his hands – c’mon you all know you saw the weird way he had his arm around her back). But Sarah apparently is unaware of Sean’s arm placement dilemma and instead is off in la-la land waxing poetic about the sheer awesomeness of the date thus far. “Everything is happening the way i hoped for … and I’m going to start falling in love… and it’s amazing.”

Sarah is shaken out of her day-dream by an abrupt landing in downtown Los Angeles (a perfect place to fall in love, duh). The minute they touch down, I’m thinking that the producers are definitely mailing this date in. It can’t be rappelling can it? Oh wait, it seriously cannot be rappelling – there’s all kinds of logistics issues there. What’s the next best option? Free falling down the side of a building… obviously.

The next few minutes are spent listening to Sarah talk about how {scary, horrifying, terrifying, crazy} this is going to be. At this point, I’m hoping that Sean just pushes her off the platform and yells “No rose for you!” Instead, he’s all gentleman-like and holds her hand, reassuring her that this is going to be SO FUN!

With a little convincing Sarah takes the plunge and in return, we’re given the gift of not listening to her talk for a full 30 seconds.

Side note: I don’t remember exactly when Sarah said this but I know it’s an exact quote, “My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.” I mean really? I can’t make this stuff up. I want to give this girl a pass but with comments like this coming out of her Kourtney Kardashian sounding mouth, I am having a hard time embracing her (with one OR two hands – my ability to embrace is not affected by the number of hands I have).

It’s break time which means fishing for the next round of crazy contestants, “If you’d like to date the next Bachelor, go to ABC.com and surrender your dignity.”

And we’re back. Ken and Barbie have cleaned up and now it’s time for dinner, lots of champagne and heart-felt confessions. Sarah’s is a story about how a rappelling trip in Vegas (with her Dad?!?) was thwarted by some stupid state law that says that disabled people can’t rappel. Since “opening up” is a sport on this show, Sean scores this confession a 9.5 and rewards her with a kiss and a rose.

Which leads us to a very serious discussion/major dose of ABC induced SE. Did you all see the zooming in on her arm? How uncomfortable was that? I mean, I did prefer it to an open-mouth kiss close-up but yowza. I was not prepared for it and at first, thought it was just a mistake on my part. Lo and behold after a couple forced rewinds, it was confirmed that they did, in fact, zoom in at least twice on her arm. And you all thought I was bad.

Oh and if you thought that was bad, it was topped off by the weird hug/kiss that happened on the helicopter pad. Why was Sarah’s arm awkwardly in between them rather than around Sean’s back. I feel like the producer’s should step in and rearrange things. They’re already controlling every other aspect of this quest for love. Why not let them improve the looks of it and make it mildly more visually appealing for the rest of us.

No matter for Sarah though, this little lady is falling head over heels and is already “falling in love.” NO. NO. NOOOO. Has someone taught these girls that love is more than what happens when your body touches a man you think is pretty.  You’ve literally known the man for a hot second and you’re in love? I can’t even fall in love with a pair of shoes or a delicious dessert as quickly as these gals discover their soul mates.

Moving on.

Next up, a little fun with the most trusted name in romance? Do you all know what that is, cause I’m stumped (no pun intended). Certainly TROJAN isn’t sponsoring The Bachelor now (although they should be).

A Myriad of Crazies: Group Date – “Let’s capture the romance.”
Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robyn, Katie, Selma, Taryn, Kacie B., Michelle Money Jr. (What’s the lady from SLC with the kids name again?) and last but don’t call her least Tierra.

First off, I cannot deal with Tierra and her mix of cute and back-handed bitchy. It’s like everything she says has an undertone masked by the batting eyelashes and dopey laugh. DIBS on whatever limo Tierra is not in.

Okay so the cheerleading squad climbs into their limos and pull up at Prince Charming’s castle. The girls are already squealing at a decibel level high enough for dogs to hear and it only escalates when they find out they’re doing a PHOTO SHOOT! EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeEEEEeeeeEKKKKK!

The only saving grace for me on this date is that sweet, sweet Selma is there. Can we start a dialogue in the comments section about how pretty she is? Seriously, I’m obsessed. Can we set her up with sweet, sweet Roberto? How cute would their kids be? I digress….

So the premise of this date is that the girls and Sean are recreating some memorable Harlequin Romance novel covers (oh, so that’s the most trusted name in romance. You can see how I was confused). All the ladies get to hit the glam stations for hair & make-up before donning a costume from one of the following genres – Cowboy, Vampire, Elegant, Period.

This is pretty similar to the action movie group date or the music video group date. Basically each girl gets her one-on-one chance to sneak in a kiss (and/or pectoral grab) with Sean while 12 hungry sharks wait in the wings. Fun stuff.

Here’s how the whole thing breaks down:

* Tierra hates on the girls with extensions.
* Lesley gets her cowgirl on with Sean, sealed with a kiss. (Then Tierra hates on her.)
* Kristy makes sure we all know 1. she’s a model. 2. she has crazy eyes. 3. she’s gonna win this one! 4. Tierra is sure to hate her.
* Selma is a smoking hottie who would look good dressed as a zombie.
* Kacie B. is a bachelor know-it-all.
* The Yogi is the most normal of all. (Best Line: “Home girl is kinda excited to do a photo shoot.”) Which means her demise is imminent.

The girls all try their hand at getting grabby with Sean and sneaking in a little open-mouth kiss but no one does it better than Kristy. The group consensus is their shoot is “sexy” and “hot.” Kristy knows she nailed it (not like that, she wishes!) and is rewarded with the three-book cover deal. Shes thrilled. Mostly because this means that her occupation can officially be listed as “model” now as opposed to “unemployed crazy eyes.”

Shocker! Part two of the date is a pool party. You know, time for Sean to sit down, talk one-on-one and “evaluate” why they’re really here.

Side note: Drew makes a great group date observation from his perch paying half-attention to the show, “The craziest chicks are the ones that get interviewed a bunch.” Truth.

The big stars of the after hours party are Lesley, Tierra and Kacie B. (well and Selma in my eyes).

Lesley gets the first one-on-one with Sean and instead of capitalizing on it (and by capitalizing, I mean kissing) she asks him about the weather, talking about the house and other oddness. I had a split reaction on this. Not going to lie, I found it kind of endearing and cute. I mean, sometimes that is how things go on a real date. You’re a little nervous, not sure who’s going to make the move and things get awkward. So I’m going to lay the fault at Sean’s feet on the second reaction – AWKWARD. I mean the SE level was through the roof. Mostly because, when that awkward stuff is happening on a real date, no one is there filming you and standing by. Oh and also you’re not competing against 25 other gals for the guy that bought you dinner. Sean – man up and kiss the girl for god’s sake.

Honestly, nothing could be worse than the phrase “This is a grand time” used legitimately in a conversation. WOOF City.
Everything is made good though when Lesley does the manning up herself and marches straight up to Sean for the awkward kiss she’d wanted all along. Get it girl. (Also, loved loved loved Daniella’s play-by-play. She is officially this season’s fun commentator. Keep her around for the half-slurred, on-point commentary.)

p.s. – Lesley’s dress is really cute.

Speaking of dresses, or lack there-of, Kacie B. forgot her pants or didn’t realize that she stole her 12-year-old cousin’s Forever 21 dress. Holy hell Kacie B. We get it. You’re super skinny now and your legs are twigs. But those twigs still lead up to lady parts. Lady parts that appreciate being covered when being filmed for national television.

Kacie B. and Sean’s convo is boring. I mean I’ll come out and say it. It was. Kacie B. tells Sean that she knew there was something more there when he “treated her like a lady.” Cause that’s all it takes for these girls to fall in love, a guy to have manners. Moral of the story – the tannest girl in Tennessee moves from friend zone to girlfriend zone. YAWN.

In other news, Catherine is cute, Selma is hot and Tierra is loony tunes.

I’m calling it now, Tierra is this season’s Courtney. She’s the one every girl in the house hates, mostly because she’s a crazy bia. But then she goes up to the guy and is all “this is so hard for me…  I didn’t come here to make friends…. I just want to spend time with you.” Barf.

The BIG difference between Courtney and Tierra is their boob size. Did you all catch Sean looking down her tank top? Of course he’s keeping her around. He’s waiting for the date where they wear bathing suits.

In other unexciting but totally expected news, Katie the Yogi decides to fold and hit the road. Clearly she is WAY too normal to spend day after day cooped up in a house with these crazies. No amount of yoga can help with that mental unrest.

It’s group date rose time and Tierra thinks this one is hers but instead he switches it up and throws the rose in Kacie B.’s direction. I think this is officially Kacie’s B.’s 12 rose ceremony. There’s gotta be more to life than that girl. Is it really that hard for you to find nice guys to date in the real world?

The one with the prank – Date Night with Desiree

It’s Desiree date and I’m going to make this short and sweet because honestly, I think this date was stupid.

Here’s the deal. I love pranks. I think they are hilarious and the one they did at Madame Tussaud’s was amazing. Loved it.

The reason I think this one bombed is because Desiree was boring and a little drunk and totally didn’t care about breaking that piece of art. Also, I can’t wrap my head around how a Katie Holmes lookalike (thanks Shannon!) is named Desiree.

I had high hopes for this date. Anytime they get Chris Harrison involved, it usually means good things but Desiree ruined it. But on a high note, her dress was cute.

So anyways, Sean takes her to this fake art gallery where Desiree is the biggest phony baloney on the block. There was no way in hell she gave two licks about that art show but she’s all “this is so interesting” and “i love art.” P.S. – Saying you love art is like saying you love puppies. I mean no one hates art. They may not like some art but at some point everyone likes art. Even if it’s just drawn by your three-year-old.

So old Dezi (I’m calling her that from now on) gets set up and is left alone with this faux piece of $1.5 million art. She’s clearly already had about six glasses of champagne on the limo ride over and promptly finds the one place to sit in the row. Cue the art falling which CH and his top bro Sean watch and high-five in the back. So the camera guy and artist come in and she’s all “it just broke” in a way that gives no f’s. I’m guessing she knew it was a set up or thought it would be funny to see ABC deal with her f-ing up something that cost that much money.

More annoying than her inability to react well to the candid camera, is Sean in the back. He’s all “she’s so cute,” “i feel so bad, she’s such a sweetie.” Woof, kill me now. Can we move on to the portion of the date where you all bump uglies back at Sean’s place?

Yup, we can cause this is my blog and I do what I want.

So the date takes a big turn and instead of hitting the town, Sean takes old Dezi back to “his place” to slip into something with a little less fabric (which is hard to do given the length of her dress). They find a Stoffer’s lasagna waiting for them which they rub all over each other before washing off in the pool (okay that didn’t happen but it would have been WAY better if it had).

Instead of some lasagna love-making, these two hard bodies show off for America by slipping into their bathing suits. Then they sit poolside and talk about how idyllic their parents and childhoods were. And the rest of America collectively throws their food at their TV’s and yells “SHUT UP!”

Obviously she gets the rose because Sean just loves how real Dez is. Side note: Can he please stop calling her DEZ! It is annoying. I’d prefer if he’d switch to Old Dezi instead.

Blah blah blah, open-mouthed kissing in the hot tub. End Scene.

Rose Ceremony Time

I’ve got to get back to work so I’m going to make this rose ceremony recap quick.

Highlights:
* Daniella kills it with her commentary. I love how she is the perfect mix of dumb, insightful, drunk and funny. Let’s keep this girl here for the long haul or at least until group dates are over.

* Selma is hot. End.of.story.

* Robyn getting real with Sean on behalf of the lawsuit against ABC. No but really, I find her cute and imagine if her and Sean had babies. They’d be hella smart (ole girl is an engineer), really pretty (dark skin and blue eyes – hello hottie!) and super fit (not counting the drive way flip, ole girl has skills and Sean’s abs speak for themselves). Make it happen.

* Wedding Dress Lindsey having a General as a dad. Not sure why this is a highlight, it’s just not a lowlight. Can we ask him to stop by and lead some sort of bootcamp for these floozies?

Lowlights:
* The nightmares I had last night after watching Amanda. And that was just about her dress. What is that girl’s deal. She is like that terror from The Ring. I half expected her to crawl out of the hot tub filter to steal Sean’s soul. Instead, she attempted to eat him with that giant mouth of hers. WATCH OUT FOR THAT CRAZY FACE. No but really, drinking out of that mug. Giving evil eyes to the producers, fellow contestants and the cats that roam the property. I wouldn’t want to see her and Tierra going head to head.

* Lindsey’s dress. What in the f was that thing? Did she find it lurking in her Mom’s closet, a left over from Aunt Becky’s 1987 nuptials? Yikes a million.

And the roses go to…
Sarah, Desiree and Kacie B. all have flowers already.

* AshLee – let the organizing continue.

* Lindsey

* Robyn – love that dress!

*Jackie – Who?

* Lesley M.

* Selma (YEAHBUDDY!)

* Catherine (so cute)

* Kristy

* Leslie H.

* Tierra (really with those earrings?)

* Taryn

* Daniella (For the Win!)

* Amanda – Can’t decide if I’m happy or scared about this.

So Brooke (was that her name) and Michelle Money Jr. hit the road.

Get stepping ladies. Y’all were kinda boring anyways and that’s saying something.

What did you all think of this week’s episode? I, for one, thought it was snooze city but I’m looking forward to whatever happens to Tierra next week!

Did your favorites survive? What gave you the most SE? How do you feel about old Dez?

Keep me posted in the comments and until next week… stay tuned!

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